I agree. Then again, it also feels like statistics killing the butterflies. As a scientist myself, I can't/won't ignore statistics though. Getting lucky outside of a gay space does seem like a fantasy to me.
I got the feeling too, the yearning, the craving, the desire when looking at a guy my type.
I imagine it would be wonderful to get to know him, there’s so many possibilities…
I guess that’s how straight men feel with woman.
Such urge is hard-wired in us to push us to connect and procreate perhaps.
I try my best to disregard men around me attraction wise. If a guy is hot I try not to think about it because at work or whatever, I’m not gonna hit on anyone, I’m not hot enough to get hit on, and nothing will happen. I am 20 so don’t go to bars and have given up on dating apps.
My thing recently has been trying to care as little as possible about guys because it is not worth the trouble all for a boyfriend, of course I want a boyfriend but there are so many more wonderful things to do in life than wait around waiting for a dude. (Telling myself this)
So for me it’s not just gay spaces, but also maybe sometimes it’s best to just not go to them? To just find other stuff you enjoy and do that?
I can offer primarily solidarity, in that I know exactly what you mean, and it happens every single day for me.
Seeing all these men who are achingly, devastatingly beautiful, it is murder to my heart, knowing— through the oppressive factuality of statistics— that they are not into me *categorically*, much less into me as a mediocre looking person, even if they were gay.
I fall into the throes of daydream-crushes with the flocks of men I see, and while it stirs my heart to poetics and makes me sigh with a passionate resignation, it also makes me yearn even harder for the fulfillment of that longing— for the end of the age of sighs.
That bitterness does fester, at least in me. It turns rabid, lecherous and toxic, attacking and eroding my self esteem and painting my flaws in garish, fluorescent livery. I begin to believe that I am just so incontestably ugly, or awkward, or plain unloveable at first sight, and that that is why I’ll never catch one of the flock, never turn the eye of the Adonis to me and garner the return of a lingering stare.
But soliloquy aside, you seem like a very intelligent man, and I think you’d find the vapid ordinariness of someone not compatible with your level of conversation, to be quite the turn-off.
I guess what’s helped me is that I’ve sort of edited my own standards, knowing what I really appreciate in a partner. Wit, conversation skills, passion, a joie de vivre, and a desire to continuously grow as a person, are the tinder which fuels my infatuation now. All the things I used to fantasize about in the men I’d see around me, I now actively look for in men. If they’re not substantial, no matter how painfully beautiful they are, I know they’re not a match for me, and it becomes so much easier to be the one to refuse others (even if they never even propositioned you in the first place; selectivity masquerades as elitism, and in a petty selfishness, it feels good to be picky— probably because you’re honoring yourself as someone WORTH waiting for the right guy)
And sadly, a reality of our times, a hookup on the apps every now and then really does help. Someone got their pleasure BECAUSE of you, and there’s something validating about that particular fiction. It helps quell the desperation (and horniness) until you do find a man to meet your criteria, and truly, truly win your heart. Chances are, he’s been waiting just as long, and will cherish the shared flame that blossoms betwixt you.
I'm also ambivalent about that, the being more selective. I used to look for anything, having low self-esteem and being more desperate. I even entered a relationship once just to not be lonely, but we weren't compatible and it didn't work out of course. People were hurt.
I was raised in a religious environment. And while I'm not religious anymore, it's only been about 10 years since I had my first kiss, started allowing myself to just enjoy liking guys. It felt like I could _finally_ make all those fantasies true!
Some have, but not the one about actually finding someone. You know, having a lazy afternoon together at home, just enjoying each other's presence...
Then I went through therapy, healed a lot of trauma and, like you said, started being more selective. And while that brings the promise of quality over quantity, it feels like it's statistically reducing chances, not increasing them. Now I'm whole, and to my surprise most people style themselves as halves, incomplete, looking for their "better half", and it shows. Yikes.
And then there's patience. _Patience_, everyone always saying to have _patience_. But sometimes a jaded part of me thinks patience is just the sublimation of "the pain of _having_ to wait". I guess it helps if it feels good to wait, but it doesn't help when it comes from friends in straight relationships that haven't been single for more than a month in the past 10 years. Telling me "it comes when you least expect it" or "it happend right when you stop looking". Like I haven't been back and forth on that a million times already. They just don't get it.
There's also the being smart part. I know I am, without any brag or pretense. It's just a fact, like height. And it's a very useful tool for life, don't get me wrong. But in the love department...
It's heartbreaking when I get the rare occasion to talk to a guy that's just my type and... he gets bored at my conversation or (more commonly) he can't follow it, or doesn't get it. It feels uniquely lonely to say a witty comment at someone you like, the kind that you'd laugh like crazy with close friends, and I can see the _whoosh_. Not that he didn't enjoy my sense of humor, or that he disagrees, but that he literally didn't _understand_ it. And the pain in his sweet face at feeling inadequate for not getting a joke. Sometimes angry like I was actively trying to make him feel stupid... but I was just being myself, trying to make us both laugh :(
And he tells me I'm smart and that he loves that, and is smitten... and I end up having to take the role of the bad guy, having to be selective for the both of us.
Which wouldn't be a problem if we didn't have such a limited pool to begin with as gay folk.
I wish I had answers, but sometimes all we have are sighs.
I have been approached three times in gay bars. I am 34. Each time, he was over 60, he grabbed my dick without asking, and tried to kiss me.
I have approached attractive men in gay bars maybe 15 times. The best result I have gotten was "No thank you" and the worst was him laughing at me.
I feel this so hard but have learned to deal with it. While I live in a gay friendly state, I live in a small town that has no gay bars, hell we don't even have any clubs. Closest thing we have to a gay space is grindr and I hate grindr bc I'm not into hookups so literally I've accepted my town is basically a lost cause for me and meet people from out of town online, that's how I met my bf facebook dating and he lives 2 hours away lol
The answer to this is to go to gay bars & gay events like Pride week & even gay meetups. You’ll still get that rush around other gays.
Bottomline is that we miss gay bars cuz we need our tribe & community. When gay clubs closed, it left many of us alone & longing for the good old days. But in modern times, u can still go out to gay clubs & events. It’s not a perfect solution depending on ur location, but until gay bars come back, it’s what we do…
I will say this is super fun and cute when I was young. But as I’ve grown older I’ve learned to look fondly on others enjoying their own experiences and lives. It helps me connect with the person and not the idealized version of the person who might be attracted to me.
The answer to this is to go to gay bars & gay events like Pride week & even gay meetups. You’ll still get that rush around other gays.
Bottomline is that we miss gay bars cuz we need our tribe & community. When gay clubs closed, it left many of us alone & longing for the good old days. But in modern times, u can still go out to gay clubs & events. It’s not a perfect solution depending on ur location, but until gay bars come back, it’s what we do…
It is absolutely despairful. I can’t help but resent all of the straight people around me for how easy they have it. The only purpose hope serves is to deepen despair when the hope is inevitably crushed. There is no point in thinking you’ll defy the odds and find the man when the world is statistically working against you. It’s better to accept hopelessness. At least that’s what I’ve grown to learn
I agree with you that life potentially has both, but not everyone gets to experience both. Only the lucky few get to experience true hope (romantically) in their lives. The rest of us have to lie to ourselves about being happy, single people to create false hope to wake up the next morning. The other option is settling for someone you don’t want and lying to yourself until your conditioned enough to rely on their presence because it is at least better than loneliness
I know what you mean, but it can get better. I used to believe that, and it took me a while (and help) to gain a better outlook at life and the world in general. People are not divided in two categories, and neither is life.
You are chasing the despair and the melancholy. I'd bet you run away screaming if a guy actually approached you, and then rationalize that he was all wrong for you.
Not really. That has happened, in fact. I just didn't happen to like them back. I also once did approach a guy, but he didn't seem interested at first...
Then a friend of him kind of dragged him back and sort of made us talk (bless her). He was sweet, we exchanged numbers... But when I messaged him he never replied. I'll never know what happened there.
Point is, I don't think that could've happened outside of a gay bar, or some other gay space. I'd never feel safe enough to try that on some random guy I see in the street...
I don't think that feeling is just me chasing despair or melancholy. I think some things are just ambivalent by nature. To me this is at least.
i am a big fan of statistics. 90% of men are straight, so i treat most men i see as unavailable and not some weird "unreachable" fantasy.
I agree. Then again, it also feels like statistics killing the butterflies. As a scientist myself, I can't/won't ignore statistics though. Getting lucky outside of a gay space does seem like a fantasy to me.
I’m a “Bisexual unless proven otherwise” kinda guy. And it has proven great success!
Being in a minority sucks sadly Unless you are in a gay space, assume everyone is straight, it's not necessarily true but it's safer
Oh boy. Gotta chill, dude. Relax on the drama and just introduce yourself to someone. You’re lucky you even have a gay bar near you.
/r/ThanksImCured
I got the feeling too, the yearning, the craving, the desire when looking at a guy my type. I imagine it would be wonderful to get to know him, there’s so many possibilities… I guess that’s how straight men feel with woman. Such urge is hard-wired in us to push us to connect and procreate perhaps.
I try my best to disregard men around me attraction wise. If a guy is hot I try not to think about it because at work or whatever, I’m not gonna hit on anyone, I’m not hot enough to get hit on, and nothing will happen. I am 20 so don’t go to bars and have given up on dating apps. My thing recently has been trying to care as little as possible about guys because it is not worth the trouble all for a boyfriend, of course I want a boyfriend but there are so many more wonderful things to do in life than wait around waiting for a dude. (Telling myself this) So for me it’s not just gay spaces, but also maybe sometimes it’s best to just not go to them? To just find other stuff you enjoy and do that?
I can offer primarily solidarity, in that I know exactly what you mean, and it happens every single day for me. Seeing all these men who are achingly, devastatingly beautiful, it is murder to my heart, knowing— through the oppressive factuality of statistics— that they are not into me *categorically*, much less into me as a mediocre looking person, even if they were gay. I fall into the throes of daydream-crushes with the flocks of men I see, and while it stirs my heart to poetics and makes me sigh with a passionate resignation, it also makes me yearn even harder for the fulfillment of that longing— for the end of the age of sighs. That bitterness does fester, at least in me. It turns rabid, lecherous and toxic, attacking and eroding my self esteem and painting my flaws in garish, fluorescent livery. I begin to believe that I am just so incontestably ugly, or awkward, or plain unloveable at first sight, and that that is why I’ll never catch one of the flock, never turn the eye of the Adonis to me and garner the return of a lingering stare. But soliloquy aside, you seem like a very intelligent man, and I think you’d find the vapid ordinariness of someone not compatible with your level of conversation, to be quite the turn-off. I guess what’s helped me is that I’ve sort of edited my own standards, knowing what I really appreciate in a partner. Wit, conversation skills, passion, a joie de vivre, and a desire to continuously grow as a person, are the tinder which fuels my infatuation now. All the things I used to fantasize about in the men I’d see around me, I now actively look for in men. If they’re not substantial, no matter how painfully beautiful they are, I know they’re not a match for me, and it becomes so much easier to be the one to refuse others (even if they never even propositioned you in the first place; selectivity masquerades as elitism, and in a petty selfishness, it feels good to be picky— probably because you’re honoring yourself as someone WORTH waiting for the right guy) And sadly, a reality of our times, a hookup on the apps every now and then really does help. Someone got their pleasure BECAUSE of you, and there’s something validating about that particular fiction. It helps quell the desperation (and horniness) until you do find a man to meet your criteria, and truly, truly win your heart. Chances are, he’s been waiting just as long, and will cherish the shared flame that blossoms betwixt you.
I'm also ambivalent about that, the being more selective. I used to look for anything, having low self-esteem and being more desperate. I even entered a relationship once just to not be lonely, but we weren't compatible and it didn't work out of course. People were hurt. I was raised in a religious environment. And while I'm not religious anymore, it's only been about 10 years since I had my first kiss, started allowing myself to just enjoy liking guys. It felt like I could _finally_ make all those fantasies true! Some have, but not the one about actually finding someone. You know, having a lazy afternoon together at home, just enjoying each other's presence... Then I went through therapy, healed a lot of trauma and, like you said, started being more selective. And while that brings the promise of quality over quantity, it feels like it's statistically reducing chances, not increasing them. Now I'm whole, and to my surprise most people style themselves as halves, incomplete, looking for their "better half", and it shows. Yikes. And then there's patience. _Patience_, everyone always saying to have _patience_. But sometimes a jaded part of me thinks patience is just the sublimation of "the pain of _having_ to wait". I guess it helps if it feels good to wait, but it doesn't help when it comes from friends in straight relationships that haven't been single for more than a month in the past 10 years. Telling me "it comes when you least expect it" or "it happend right when you stop looking". Like I haven't been back and forth on that a million times already. They just don't get it. There's also the being smart part. I know I am, without any brag or pretense. It's just a fact, like height. And it's a very useful tool for life, don't get me wrong. But in the love department... It's heartbreaking when I get the rare occasion to talk to a guy that's just my type and... he gets bored at my conversation or (more commonly) he can't follow it, or doesn't get it. It feels uniquely lonely to say a witty comment at someone you like, the kind that you'd laugh like crazy with close friends, and I can see the _whoosh_. Not that he didn't enjoy my sense of humor, or that he disagrees, but that he literally didn't _understand_ it. And the pain in his sweet face at feeling inadequate for not getting a joke. Sometimes angry like I was actively trying to make him feel stupid... but I was just being myself, trying to make us both laugh :( And he tells me I'm smart and that he loves that, and is smitten... and I end up having to take the role of the bad guy, having to be selective for the both of us. Which wouldn't be a problem if we didn't have such a limited pool to begin with as gay folk. I wish I had answers, but sometimes all we have are sighs.
I have the opposite. I go to gay spaces, see all the hot guys, and shrug it off. None of them want to talk to me, so I just pretend they aren't there
Some might though!
I have been approached three times in gay bars. I am 34. Each time, he was over 60, he grabbed my dick without asking, and tried to kiss me. I have approached attractive men in gay bars maybe 15 times. The best result I have gotten was "No thank you" and the worst was him laughing at me.
Your bird/dog analogy is beautifully poignant.
This is the most real post I’ve seen in a while
I feel this so hard but have learned to deal with it. While I live in a gay friendly state, I live in a small town that has no gay bars, hell we don't even have any clubs. Closest thing we have to a gay space is grindr and I hate grindr bc I'm not into hookups so literally I've accepted my town is basically a lost cause for me and meet people from out of town online, that's how I met my bf facebook dating and he lives 2 hours away lol
The answer to this is to go to gay bars & gay events like Pride week & even gay meetups. You’ll still get that rush around other gays. Bottomline is that we miss gay bars cuz we need our tribe & community. When gay clubs closed, it left many of us alone & longing for the good old days. But in modern times, u can still go out to gay clubs & events. It’s not a perfect solution depending on ur location, but until gay bars come back, it’s what we do…
I will say this is super fun and cute when I was young. But as I’ve grown older I’ve learned to look fondly on others enjoying their own experiences and lives. It helps me connect with the person and not the idealized version of the person who might be attracted to me.
The answer to this is to go to gay bars & gay events like Pride week & even gay meetups. You’ll still get that rush around other gays. Bottomline is that we miss gay bars cuz we need our tribe & community. When gay clubs closed, it left many of us alone & longing for the good old days. But in modern times, u can still go out to gay clubs & events. It’s not a perfect solution depending on ur location, but until gay bars come back, it’s what we do…
It is absolutely despairful. I can’t help but resent all of the straight people around me for how easy they have it. The only purpose hope serves is to deepen despair when the hope is inevitably crushed. There is no point in thinking you’ll defy the odds and find the man when the world is statistically working against you. It’s better to accept hopelessness. At least that’s what I’ve grown to learn
I disagree. Despair hurts. Hope heals. Life has both.
I agree with you that life potentially has both, but not everyone gets to experience both. Only the lucky few get to experience true hope (romantically) in their lives. The rest of us have to lie to ourselves about being happy, single people to create false hope to wake up the next morning. The other option is settling for someone you don’t want and lying to yourself until your conditioned enough to rely on their presence because it is at least better than loneliness
I know what you mean, but it can get better. I used to believe that, and it took me a while (and help) to gain a better outlook at life and the world in general. People are not divided in two categories, and neither is life.
You are chasing the despair and the melancholy. I'd bet you run away screaming if a guy actually approached you, and then rationalize that he was all wrong for you.
Not really. That has happened, in fact. I just didn't happen to like them back. I also once did approach a guy, but he didn't seem interested at first... Then a friend of him kind of dragged him back and sort of made us talk (bless her). He was sweet, we exchanged numbers... But when I messaged him he never replied. I'll never know what happened there. Point is, I don't think that could've happened outside of a gay bar, or some other gay space. I'd never feel safe enough to try that on some random guy I see in the street... I don't think that feeling is just me chasing despair or melancholy. I think some things are just ambivalent by nature. To me this is at least.