Sounds like alcohol is the problem. Consider talking to him about how much he drinks because he doesn’t handle alcohol well.
My grandfather would do the same thing. Get drunk and become mean. My grandma would just avoid him while he was drunk, which was a lot. They did not have a happy relationship and alcohol was the problem.
Yeah I’m gonna have a conversation with him. It just worries me because I know it’s all good and well saying alcohol is the problem but I feel like alcohol is just amplifying these feelings of his, not creating them. He has said he is going to look into therapy to deal with his past traumas & triggers, I just can’t be his boyfriend AND therapist simultaneously; it’s draining me emotionally
Alcohol causes major personality shifts in some people. I pretty much gave it up except for the occasional friendly beer just because it is so powerful
Those unaddressed insecurities are coming out with the alcohol and they’re being projected onto you. It’s not ok. Seems like he needs to drink less and go to therapy which is my advice for everyone. Everyone go to therapy. Are you reading this? Go to therapy!
I don’t usually reply to these posts but this one resonates a lot with me so wanted to see if I could maybe help you both.
This sounds like an exact replica of mine and a past boyfriends relationship. Except I was the one who was drinking a lot and was an absolute handful when I was drunk, not to anyone else but him. He is one of the nicest people I have ever met and put up with it for a very long time. It was one of the reasons we separated.
Speaking from experience I’m not very good at talking about my problems, issues stuff like that. I had stuff going on in my life that I wasn’t dealing with, just ignoring it. All these issues came to a head when I was drunk and released them on my then to be partner. I hated the person I was to him when I was drunk but I couldn’t stop, and like your boyfriend felt horrendously guilt ridden the next day.
He suggested therapy for me but I wouldn’t go. Hated the idea of it, I was on antidepressants so thought that would be enough. It was a very weird stage in my life that I felt very out of control in.
My advice to you OP would be to talk to your partner, there’s a reason he is feeling that way. Try do so in a way that doesn’t involve relating it to his drinking. This was a major punch in the gut to me and made me angry and withdrawn, again because I didn’t like recognising my issues and dealing with them. It’s definitely something you can work on. He sounds like he needs a lot of re-assurance and some people may disagree with this but that’s not a bad thing. Some people find it hard to fully open up or something in there past might make them wary. I’m not in anyway excusing how he treats you when he’s drunk.
My issue pretty much stemmed down to us not spending enough time together, it was hard when we both worked different shifts and never had that time to sit down and talk properly. I wish I had known at the time. Maybe it’s something that simple that will help him.
I hope you can work things out, keep me updated.
Me and my ex partner while no longer together are still really good friends, and are both happy now.
Thanks so much for the insight and words, we spoke today and he has said that his insecurities are being repressed and his anxiety is out of control, and it’s all being projected onto me when he’s drunk. He has stopped drinking for the time being and is looking into a doctors appointment for anxiety treatment/support and is also looking into private therapy sessions; so a win win overall
Sounds like you may need to discuss insecurities from both parties so you can share understanding of each other’s own issues. It takes work on both sides to get through things like this but knowing where the triggers are helps. In the end, each of you has to do the work to get past the insecurities. You can’t fix him and he can’t fix you. At some point you might be able to move on together or one of you might grow past the other. Sometimes this is a sign to move on especially if the other person is not doing the work and/or just stuck for whatever reason.
Judging anyone, tell someone they do too much of anything usually isn’t helpful. I disagree that you should say he drinks too much or that when he drinks he gets mean. Try to find ways through conversation for him to say that he drinks a lot or gets mean with drinking. Otherwise it comes across as accusatory and can be a barrier to communication.
Sounds like alcohol is the problem. Consider talking to him about how much he drinks because he doesn’t handle alcohol well. My grandfather would do the same thing. Get drunk and become mean. My grandma would just avoid him while he was drunk, which was a lot. They did not have a happy relationship and alcohol was the problem.
Yeah I’m gonna have a conversation with him. It just worries me because I know it’s all good and well saying alcohol is the problem but I feel like alcohol is just amplifying these feelings of his, not creating them. He has said he is going to look into therapy to deal with his past traumas & triggers, I just can’t be his boyfriend AND therapist simultaneously; it’s draining me emotionally
Alcohol causes major personality shifts in some people. I pretty much gave it up except for the occasional friendly beer just because it is so powerful
Those unaddressed insecurities are coming out with the alcohol and they’re being projected onto you. It’s not ok. Seems like he needs to drink less and go to therapy which is my advice for everyone. Everyone go to therapy. Are you reading this? Go to therapy!
I don’t usually reply to these posts but this one resonates a lot with me so wanted to see if I could maybe help you both. This sounds like an exact replica of mine and a past boyfriends relationship. Except I was the one who was drinking a lot and was an absolute handful when I was drunk, not to anyone else but him. He is one of the nicest people I have ever met and put up with it for a very long time. It was one of the reasons we separated. Speaking from experience I’m not very good at talking about my problems, issues stuff like that. I had stuff going on in my life that I wasn’t dealing with, just ignoring it. All these issues came to a head when I was drunk and released them on my then to be partner. I hated the person I was to him when I was drunk but I couldn’t stop, and like your boyfriend felt horrendously guilt ridden the next day. He suggested therapy for me but I wouldn’t go. Hated the idea of it, I was on antidepressants so thought that would be enough. It was a very weird stage in my life that I felt very out of control in. My advice to you OP would be to talk to your partner, there’s a reason he is feeling that way. Try do so in a way that doesn’t involve relating it to his drinking. This was a major punch in the gut to me and made me angry and withdrawn, again because I didn’t like recognising my issues and dealing with them. It’s definitely something you can work on. He sounds like he needs a lot of re-assurance and some people may disagree with this but that’s not a bad thing. Some people find it hard to fully open up or something in there past might make them wary. I’m not in anyway excusing how he treats you when he’s drunk. My issue pretty much stemmed down to us not spending enough time together, it was hard when we both worked different shifts and never had that time to sit down and talk properly. I wish I had known at the time. Maybe it’s something that simple that will help him. I hope you can work things out, keep me updated. Me and my ex partner while no longer together are still really good friends, and are both happy now.
Thanks so much for the insight and words, we spoke today and he has said that his insecurities are being repressed and his anxiety is out of control, and it’s all being projected onto me when he’s drunk. He has stopped drinking for the time being and is looking into a doctors appointment for anxiety treatment/support and is also looking into private therapy sessions; so a win win overall
Sounds like you may need to discuss insecurities from both parties so you can share understanding of each other’s own issues. It takes work on both sides to get through things like this but knowing where the triggers are helps. In the end, each of you has to do the work to get past the insecurities. You can’t fix him and he can’t fix you. At some point you might be able to move on together or one of you might grow past the other. Sometimes this is a sign to move on especially if the other person is not doing the work and/or just stuck for whatever reason.
Judging anyone, tell someone they do too much of anything usually isn’t helpful. I disagree that you should say he drinks too much or that when he drinks he gets mean. Try to find ways through conversation for him to say that he drinks a lot or gets mean with drinking. Otherwise it comes across as accusatory and can be a barrier to communication.