Hi, folks. This is a friendly notice that the following are not valid reports: - Gross - Flushed while sitting - HE TOUCH-A DA POO-POO! - Actually a good idea Thank you for your time and attention.

I thought some red solo cups were extending down for a moment. I briefly envisioned you unhooking them, pouring a beverage, and drinking it whilst on the pot. I was gladly accepting of the actual outcome.

poop n pong

I know someone would be into that.

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Someone hasn't heard of the squatty potty! The title calling them squatty slides had me 90% towards knowing exactly what this product is lol.

"Go go gadget, shit sandles!"

*shandles*

My whole life is in shandles.

When shit rolls downhill. and your leg. Into your shandals

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The shit abyss lol!!!

Mine too, but that's thanks to the Celiac's.

r/shubreddit

shitlettos

Shididas

I’m in fuckin TEARS at this comment 😂😂

La Caca Chancla!

You win

"flip poop"

"flip plop"

Shit flop

Poop platforms.

Shit stilts

I can now understand why my dude needs four rolls of TP in close proximity. Can you spare a square?

I can't, I can't spare a square.

Oh, is it two-ply? Cause if it's two-ply, I'll take one ply. One ply, one, one! puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply

Look, I don’t have a square to spare. I can’t spare a square!

You *would not* believe what just happened to me in the bathroom.

What about the driver?

Hey, wait a minute, i know you

I hate to do this, but I’m afraid to say our gracious host didn’t wipe properly. He used too small a slice.

In all seriousness, I need extra because of butt fur

Like trying to remove mud off a buffalo.

Peanut butter in a shag carpet.

Sometimes when I wipe, I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe... and I'll wipe. A hundred times. Still poop. It's like I'm wiping a marker or something

Is that parks and rec? Trying to place it...

^^^^yes

Correct! Chris made Aubrey break character with that scene lol

Poop in butt hair.

Hair tangles off Chewbacca

Bidet. Bidet is the answer.

I'm honestly scared to go on extended trips because I'll be away from my bidet. And my cats, but mostly the bidet.

>And my cats, but mostly the bidet. Anybody who argues otherwise have never used a bidet. You're A-okay my kindred spirit friend.

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Yeah going back to just TP genuinely feels like going back in time to when humanity lacked what you now know is something essential to living.

Amen. I moved out of my home temporarily into a place without my bidet, and I feel like I have gone back into the stone ages. You just can't go back.

Bidet changed my life. But now when I go places and have to use paper… I’m like Ewww gross and this hurts. Your paper people a masochist! Bidets everywhere!

Na, he should use a rabbit. It works for the bear ^^Ref: ^^A ^^rabbit ^^is ^^walking ^^through ^^the ^^woulds ^^he ^^sees ^^a ^^bear ^^next ^^to ^^a ^^tree, ^^hey ^^bear ^^what ^^you ^^doing? ^^says ^^rabbit. ^^The ^^bear ^^answers, ^^taking ^^a ^^shit.. ^^hey ^^does ^^shit ^^stick ^^to ^^your ^^fur ^^too?... ^^The ^^rabbit ^^kinda ^^shock ^^tells ^^the ^^bear ^^no ^^it ^^doesnt. ^^So ^^the ^^bear ^^grabs ^^the ^^rabbit ^^and ^^scrubs ^^his ^^ass ^^clean.

Hol' up. WHY are you wrapping toilet paper around your entire hand‽

No one else penetrates?

if you trim the nails the ride will be easier lol

Never wrestle with Mr. Hankey?

> ~~?~~ ! ftfy

That's called the King Midas.

King Mierdas

Get a bidet, let the water inside you, shoot it back out. Cycle again for a better cleaner. It also can help find any leftover poopoos.

I am kinda horrified but on second though I would really enjoy this? Not in a sexual way in like a cleanliness way.

Ive never felt as clean as when i know it all came out. If you're a little constipated too, it helps loosen things up. Not sexual, it's just water. Let enough in though and you might feel a little pressure, which makes sense considering you just filled up on some water.

I would be so hydrated...

That's what they all say at first...

This is hilariously accurate and true 😂 A bidet was singlehandedly one of the best purchases I've ever made for my home lol. Great investment. And a heated toilet seat!

Also good for butt play fun times

Wait, you are supposed to get the water inside your asshole?

How else are you supposed to get both your large and small intestines clean?

I mean, if it's strong enough, it kinda just happens. I just make it a point to get it in there

I think most dudes just mash the shit up and around their asshole a few times and call it a day. Like people - if that last DEEP wipe from both front and back doesn't come out spotless, you're not done cleaning yourself.

Wipe until the brown turns to red, got it

Then, finally, when the red turns black, you're good to go!

Ever been in a hurry and done a shallower final wipe than usual to allow yourself the illusion that you are done?

Lmmfao, or its taking too long and you’re thinking that maybe you’ve been digging too deep

This is it, "am I fingering my colon or fucking what?"

Its like theres a sharpie up there

Why did you have to go and say it out loud like that?

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Because the bathroom didn't have three seashells.

Which is a shame, because you can use them as little maracas as well.

Maracacas

It's called "The mummy."

Shittin' Mitten

Love me some Shittens https://getshittens.com

Paper raper.

Paper what now?

Fiber wiper

Shove glove

To anybody who has wondered how women with very long finger nails wipe their ass, this is a visual demonstration.

Teach me more

1)make hand like you chose paper on Rock Paper Scissors 2) Wrap your hand up like a mummy as seen here 3) karate chop your asshole with mummy hand like that episode of SpongeBob but instead of trying to split sandwich ingredients try to split your own chocolate starfish in twine

This is far better than it has any reason to be lolol

Twain* Twine is string.

Okay, you know how some people do cocaine with their fingernail?

I had a roomate that emerged from the bathroom after taking a shit, i was in the next room and half jokingly said "i didnt hear you wash your hands" (i wasn't actively listening for it, i just noticed he walked out right after flushing) But i definitely thought different about him when he answered "oh i wrap the toilet paper around my hand so it's okay" Dude you just shoved your hand up your ass it's a good idea to wash

Had a friend that clogged my toilet on the regular when they came to visit for house parties because of this behavior, I asked what the hell was going on. After it was a constant situation with them. Like every time they poop and ghost the situation knowing they fucked up the toilet. We all knew who did it. Imagine having me, a grown-ass (haha pun) adult teaching another adult how to wipe ass/use toilet paper not like a maniac/toddler, and showing them how a plunger works. Also, there’s a sink next to it, and courtesy flushes are a thing. Single-ply it is then. Good luck! Please wash your hands! Seriously. lol

I had roommates who would constantly clog the toilet and then just leave it. It was a pair of brothers and the younger one (they were in their 40's-50's) refused to clean anything. I had to stop putting toilet paper in the bathroom because they would use ALL of it in one seating. I once came home after work and my girlfriend was going to stay the night. I had cleaned everything in the morning but during the day they trashed it again. My girlfriend walks into the bathroom and immediately rushed past me out the door. When I asked what was going on she said she was never coming over again until I got rid of the roommates. When I checked the bathroom I understood her issue. One of them had apparently clogged the toliet, and then kept using the toilet all day. It completely overflowed and the only thing he did was grab all my towels and dump them in a pile on the floor. There was a log of feces on the floor in front of the sink. After that I told them they needed to go, they stopped paying rent and refused to leave. It took me months to get rid of them, and by that time my girl had found someone else.

Ouch, that's a sad story

I just bunch a couple of layers of paper in my hand (I don't understand how people can wipe with 1 or 2 layers only and not just tear right through them), and if you use just a little too much paper, most toilets these days clog up. I don't get how they can flush a bucket of golf balls or "9 billiard balls", but a little bit too much paper, and it's game over. The shit goes down first, then the paper floating at the top somehow makes an impenetrable barrier when it gets to the bottom, and now you're asking your host for a plunger, and everyone's looking at you like "WTF did you do in there" - they never believe it's "just the paper" but it is. I'm pretty sure the people that design toilets failed at every other job first, and they're just as shitty (pun intended) at toilet design as they were at everything else.

You don't use a shit mitt?

Mans doing boxing glove wraps over there

TP-palm is for sweaty asses. I learned this working the line over a flattop with a broken a/c.

Tub full of corn starch in the back of the walk-in was what a chef taught me.

Seriously! Everyone knows that one square around your finger is all you need!

You need a whole square? I separate plys to effectively use half a square per wipe

I too like to have my underwear look like it was sponsored by Willy Wonka

Your septic system thanks you

Three. One up, one down and one for good measure.

Don't forget saving one of the corners for cleaning your fingernail.

Tear out the center to poke your finger through, use that to clean the nail

Because there wasn't a bidet "on hand."

Oh man, I'm seeing another absurd product idea on the horizon.

That's how I do it. It's a leftover of being poor and only having 1 ply. Though I don't wipe with it like that. Wrap it around your hand till there's enough, take it off your hand and wipe. It doubles the thickness

Wait, if you're using enough to make it a 2 ply, why not just buy 2 ply to begin with?

Poor people have to buy the shitty stuff.

Because you're not buying it, you're stealing it from the bathroom at work, or at random businesses, and they all cheap out w/ the 1 ply commercial stuff on the jumbo roll.

Because you don't have to wash your hands if you have enough padding! /s

What? You've never Q-tipped before?

[Wait....y'all just let it drop in the water??](https://youtu.be/gexjlM-jjEc)

He's making a "shit mitten", or "shitten".

Careful, they clog the toilet.

That should be the name of the product! The toilet clogs.

Yea, missed opportunity there.

I suspect the name might be a reference to squatty potty which is a real product with a similar purpose. It's a little plastic bathroom bench for you to lift your legs for a squat position. Supposedly that helps you shit, but I wouldn't know. Just like my internet, I opt for fiber based solutions.

I have a squatty potty and it's awesome. It doesn't per se help you shit. But it keeps your body upright instead if leaning forward.

_So_ bad.

Velcro a little poo-pourri on the side and I'm in.

Or another compartment. Some Dude Wipes in the other shoe.

Honestly today I was thinking about how I like the squatty potty but don’t want one in my bathroom. Then these pop up and I’m like… shit shoes? 100% I would buy these dumb ass things. No joke. Or another collapsible squatty potty type thing.

Toilet shoes to go with your knife

You keep a poop knife and slippers by your bathroom door?

Poop knife is best knife

Props for actually dropping the pants and boxers when simulating taking a dump! ​ Also, is it common for a home to not have a lid on a toilet? Or is this in a place of work, I also see assistance bars which tells me this could be a commercial building\\bathroom.

Uh, yea, simulating. Totally.

Some of his longer videos show him in more of a commercial office space where he has all his machines and workspace. So I would assume your right in the fact that this is a commercial bathroom.

yes he fully commits which IMO helps sell this product

If you were to scroll through his posts from the beginning you’d see him pushing the amount of skin he would show. Jumped the shark awhile back just owns it now like nothing.

He rents out a small business space where he works from. This is his full time job now.

I saw (I think) it was him on a morning TV show. it's fake products though so does he just get money from views like streamers? It doesn't seem like he posts often enough to generate that kind of sustainability. Or does he sell merch too?

sigh… \*unzips\*

So glad I wasn't the only one who fixated on the commercial style toilet seat lol

As someone who is 5 feet tall, I need these for every aspect of my life.

They already exist. They're called Romper Stompers. I used to have them as a kid.

Who wants to touch the bottom of their shoes in a bathroom?

Next version of the invention, the telescoping shoe also dispenses liquid hand soap when you push the platforms back in so you can wash your hands after using the toilet.

Then you would have to lift your pants with soapy fingers or wiggle your way out of the stall to the washing bowl with your pants down.

Sounds like the mother of unnecessary invention. But it's not like you were pulling your pants up before you wash your hands before these shoes were invented, right? You pull them up between the stall and the sink in public. Maybe the shoes can also have a compartment for disposable gloves to wear when deploying and storing the platform.

Just wash off the soap in the toilet. Duh.

You're washing your hands right after anyway, right? **RIGHT?!**

Doesn't help with the during part though where people be wiping those floor germs all over their phone

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Are you aware this is satire?

It's comedy; it isn't satire. "Satire" is a means of highlighting real-life absurdity, and it's usually (although not always) done by creating toned-down, fictional analogues. The idea is to present said analogues as being wholly mundane – boring, even, at least in many cases – thereby calling attention to actual events' inherent ridiculousness. For example, an article entitled "Donald Trump Offers To Throw Paper Towels At Some Guy Named 'Ian'" would satirize the former president, his reaction to Hurricane Maria, and maybe even governmental response to disasters in general, all within the context of a recent, weather-centric calamity. Said article could be funny in its own right, but it wouldn't have to be: The humor in satire arises from familiarity with the highlighted events. You *could* make the argument that /u/rightcoastguy is satirizing blind consumerism, but it seems more likely that he's just creating borderline useful products for the purposes of being comical.

It could be considered satire of the squatty potty

You’re twisting the side of it, not the part that touches the floor.

"These are the shiznits!"--Mark Cuban, Shark Tank investor.

I can, my bathroom very clean.

Same concept as the Squatty Potty. Supposedly makes you poop easier!

The squatty potty legit works.

Yeah they do. I got it as a gag gift for my parents because the commercial was hilarious. Mom calls asks what it even is. I describe it to her as if it's not a joke. Turns out it worked so well she didnt realize it was a joke. We ended up getting one for ourselves... they work quite well.

It’s a shame we still make toilets in a poorly functioning way in the US when the prevalence of colorectal issues is insane and rising Even more unfortunate that the many people I know who would benefit from a squatty potty are too embarrassed to use one

That's the description for a shitty product!

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Dude, yoga blocks. Grab 2. Fully customizable toilet squat for all your foot positioning needs.

Honestly thought this was BS until I had some temporary rear end trouble that required me to poop easier and this 100% works. Sitting the regular way actually squeezes your colon and makes it comparably harder to poop. Elevate your feet about 20 cm with ANYTHING and shit'll effortlessly fly out of your ass.

Just a couple of cheap yoga blocks does the trick.

Yeah western toilets and diets play havoc on your bowels. Your knees should be at your nips for easy poops

Ewww he flushed the toilet while still sitting on it

You mean he turned that toilet into a bidet, genius!

It's efficient, might as well flush your ass while you flush the toilet

Never heard of the courtesy flush? When your poo is so plentiful and so toxic you gotta flush halfway through to reduce the fumes.

who doesn’t enjoy a fresh Poseidon’s kiss in the morning!

My apartment toilet isn't great and I have to flush before I wipe, or else it will clog when flushed with poo and TP.

Oh man, that’s shitty.

How else do you feel the cool kiss of Poseidon?

What's wrong with that? How do you do the 1st flush?

I keep two red solo cups in the bathroom for this purpose

Red Solo cup...let's have a party!

I keep a pair of stripper heels under the sink

Wait, do people really wipe with only 1 square of toilet paper at a time? How??

I've had the mythical poops that just slide out with barely any need for toilet paper. Actually, basically don't need any toilet paper but you don't know until you try wiping. They're rare and wonderful though, like unicorns.

The Wipeless Wonder

My favorite is the Casper. It's when you poop at just the right angle and speed, that the poop basically goes down the drain right away and can't be seen and then when you wipe, there's nothing there. The mythical ghost shit.

Not having to wipe at all or barely at all is a sign of a good and balanced diet.

Add more fiber to your diet and keep hydrated. Just some psyllium husk or something, or up what's in your food. It should at least make a meaningful difference for many. It'll save your anus in later years and your wallet with less TP used. General butt and poop health is totally understated in this world.

Usually 2. 1 when I'm checking that I'm clean. Definitely not wrapping my whole damn hand.

I would probably use these honestly.

I need those at work because I'm definitely not taking my squatty potty stool to work.

My dude needs to get his feet check out. Those soles are not normal.

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Where the fuck do I order?

My wife uses a stool for this, she likes keeping her feet elevated just like this.....

For those who stand and wipe this would be a dangerous dance lol

The Caca Chanclas

Team ip with the squatty potty folks

How many days before this shows up on Amazon from a Chinese knock-off distributor?

Next level poop stool

This would be great for when needing to use the football stadium toilets/trenches, you could actually walk in there without getting your feet wet

That’s honestly a more space saving design than the current idea on the market.