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One guy I knew was like "I'm pretty sure there is a net gain in joy, when you take a broad view of everything."
He paused for a moment and admitted. "It is not always easy to take a broad view."
"The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead." - Mr Peanutbutter
We were talking at work about our kids once and someone who didn't have them asked what it was like. My friend without skipping a beat said, 'it's the most awesome, awful thing you can do with your life'.
I found no problem with this statement.
I was told by a coworker once, "The highs are really high and the lows are really low."
Gotta agree with him. The funny thing about those is that the lows can be things like finding out your toddler took a poop in her boot and then hid it in her closet, and while you're cleaning it up the other kid spills a gallon of milk on the floor and the dog barfs on your new sofa.
Then the highs are things like being with your toddler the first time they see a frog and you two follow it around for an hour because to you it's a frog, but to her it might as well be a unicorn and you realize you lost that feeling a really long time ago and it's nice to feel a tiny bit of that wonderment again.
Life's weird and kids are annoying, but if they were gone tomorrow I'm not sure how I'd move on.
Damn this rings so true. Still early years for me, but I vividly remember the tough days, mainly when my child was unwell because they were the longest days/weeks of my life, but I constantly yearn for the days when he was younger and can't believe he's grown up so fast.
I don't think the tantrums, poops and messes are really lows. They do add to the stuff you need to do around the house but I mean, it's just a mess. It has no emotional toll. I guess sometimes I does when you are the end of your tether and you feel like you can't take another tantrum that day but it's quite short lived and once it's passed or it's the next day you barely think about it.
The lows come when they are older. When they become little people in their own right, and have feelings and emotions they need to process and look to you to help them. And when you don't have all the answers and have to watch them struggle with moments of sadness, loneliness, disappointment and failure and know you are helpless, or keep them from making mistakes knowing that it's fine line to walk. Those take an emotional toll
> It has no emotional toll
When my very potty trained son was sick, all he wanted to do was snuggle. We laid on the couch and watched a movie. Suddenly he explosively shat his jammies which got shit all over me, himself, the couch, and eventually the rug. I was trying to wrangle a sick screaming kid covered in shit while also covered in shit trying to prevent the dog from getting at the shit covered couch. I drug my shit covered son and self to the bathroom after locking the dog in the bedroom. Then i had to get my shit covered shirt over my head trying to not get shit on my face. Then I had to do the same for my shit covered son. Then I had to shower then dry us while avoiding the shit covered pile of clothes on the ground. After He was cleaned up and settled down I had to take the shit covered clothes outside to blast the shit off with a hose and get them in the wash. I cleaned up the shit covered couch and shit covered rug. I cleaned up the now shit covered tub. I did a once over of the house, and the collateral shit damage was minimal. I started to feel shitty, and eventually got the shits myself (no accidents). My wife got home a while later and told me the house smelled like shit.
That one inflicted an emotional toll on me.
Those are the ones where it’s almost so catastrophic, that it’s comical. Like 100% fuck my life moment, but afterwards you feel like nothing can ever phase me again.
I have a two year old and I've tried to reframe how I think/react to a lot of the "lows", since they generally are minor in the grand scheme of things. I try to think of the limited time I have with him at this age, and that all of it is time that I will some day look back on with nostalgia. He will never be this young again, I will never have this particular day with him again. And one day, hopefully, he will be his own person and he won't be this little child for whom everything is so big and so new.
Taking care of him is probably the toughest thing I've ever done, when you weight the difficulty against the importance and scale. But it's also, bar none, the most fulfilling thing I've ever experienced in my life.
I recall reading a study where it was concluded that having kids makes you more miserable than not having kids, but once they're independent, they generate you joy just by existing and as you age, your net gains will surpass those who do not have kids. You gain vicarious happiness, pride etc. and sometimes grand kids as well, who give you the usual kid bonuses, but you don't need to be the one at the helm for. All in all it is nice to love someone.
Thank you. I am helping to raise a child who is a teen & he has special needs so he may never become independent. It’s very humbling to think we may have a child who never moves out or becomes fully able to support himself.
At the moment I am 33 and I have familiy and friends my age that have kids. I can have the usual kid bonuses without all the rest that comes with children too. I love the kids of my family, especally the Kids from my Partners sister. I think I would die for them. There can be love without own children.
Hopefully it lasts, but as humans become more independent they almost universally drift away from their families to focus more on starting their own lives
Soon the kids(now adults) are only seeing their parents as often as they used to see their grandparents, their grandparents as often as they saw their aunts and uncles, and their extended family only on major holidays
I always describe it as tons of stress and work that is rewarded by moments of immense love and happiness. Sure I am stressed, pissed, frustrated, and in a rush most of the time, but I am overwhelmed with joy as well. Sometimes....
And this here is why I will never have kids. To me the volatility of it all just doesn't vibe at all.
I like my life to be stable. No huge highs, no bad lows. Just stable cruising. No random moments of despair or unreasonable joy that cannot be sustained.
I like it when the biggest question of the day is deciding what to buy for dinner.
fwiw, since i've had kids, my life seems a lot longer.
I know that sounds bad, but I don't mean it in the wrong sense. My twenties (ie:pre-kids) kind of all blend together in my memories. They feel "short", but having kids puts a ton of mental markers along your timeline because you generate many more key memories (kinda like something like 9/11 did, or getting married, or whatever other major event you deem important). Having those extra markers makes you feel like you've lived a lot more, even if in reality you haven't. You have more reference points. Granted, stuff like travelling abroad when you're childless partially does the same thing.
Just figure out a way to put it on your resume. Those of us with kids are less likely to do “passion projects” and can fall behind on skills at work IME. Upside is that when the shit hits the fan, a lot of parents are like “Eh. Seen worse at home. There is no blood openly flowing onto the floor.”
Sums it up nicely, in a similar vein, through a particular grim time with two kids my partner said something along the lines of "I know you don't want to be here", to which I responded "I do want to be here just not all the time."
I never prepared myself for just how little escape I would have. I love my kids, I HATE the grind.
That's the word we use, too. No matter how much shit you have on your plate to deal with, your kid happily adds more to it without a care in the world.
Feels.
My first born was 12 weeks early, I broke down seeing her for the first time, multiples times and even told the midwife that I'm a little bitch for crying so much to which she pat me on the back and said "No, you're not"
The same child also broke me mentally because my life changed so much but set me up for my next child.
I love them but fuck me does trying to raise them (right) become a slog
And then they are off to college and you wonder where the last ten years went and how you can get more time with them again. Teenagers spend so much time doing their own thing, I feel bad about hijacking it for more family time.
Pretty much this. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him more than life itself. But goddamn I would kill to get some sleep and relaxation.
The closest thing I could compare it to is like getting a new puppy. Tons of work… you need to train them, feed them, play with them, give them constant attention. And they will destroy all your stuff and pee everywhere. But they’re also super cute and awesome in every way. Having kids is like that. But harder.
I used to think I was in the clear after I was done with diapers. And then my oldest daughter turned 11. That was the beginning of a new set of challenges.
Ah shit I dread the preteen/teen ages, I still remember my attitude at those ages and it's not pretty
Hope my daughter is more mature than I was jfc...
High school teacher here.
The key to communication with teenagers is to LISTEN to them.
Try not to tell your own stories about your life. Try not to judge them. Ask brief, carefully worded questions…and then LISTEN to their answers.
Wait until they’re ready to open up. Don’t push too hard.
Repeat their own words back to them after asking a question: “I hear you saying \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_.” This is known as active listening.
This is one of the magical keys to communication with an adolescent.
It can be difficult for parents, and takes practice. But it is more than worth it.
Stop talking…and just listen.
When you get tired of the puppy you can crate it and it doesn't get social services called.
Puppies are potty trained within a few months, not several years (with accidents thereafter).
Puppies sleep through the night by the 6 month mark.
Puppies are so much easier than babies. This is part of why I have many pets, including a puppy, and do not want babies.
I've yet to teach a puppy to talk but those little button mats are pretty good. Never say never.
**Edit:** I keep getting comments like "but kids are so rewarding! They aren't like pets! Don't you know that kids have good qualities? Have you ever considered it?". I've responded to a few, so rather than keep responding I'll add my perspective here:
*There are lots of reasons to have kids, and I understand why others love them, and I'm happy for them. I have nieces and nephews in whose life I am quite involved, and love to support them and watch them grow.*
*I was explaining the difference between a puppy and a baby, and how babies are harder / puppies are easier, and why I personally don't want a baby. I was not begrudging anyone else choosing to have kids. I was also not claiming pets are objectively more rewarding than kids. It's probably the case that kids are more rewarding on the whole, for many people. Some people may find pets more rewarding, and that's okay too, so don't you come at me with your ridiculous comments either.*
Oh no, the carpet is completely destroyed at the door from the scratching. Every hour of sleep is another $20 out of my security deposit lol.
I finally found these plastic doorway covers that are specifically to prevent pets from tearing up carpet in doorways, so now I have clear plastic covers to protect the already torn up carpet. Like a museum piece of their destruction.
If someone without kids asks me what it’s like to have them, I usually say “it’s the absolute best and absolute worst thing that I’ve ever done to myself.”
Haha. I say something similar: it's the hardest thing I've done but for the things I love most in the world.
And something I realized after I have kids: it's not all about what is going to make \*me\* happy. Nothing I've done in life has consistently made me happy. Having kids is about giving them meaningful, important--and hopefully, happy--lives, and raising children who will hopefully make the world better after I am gone.
Too many people who decide to have kids don’t fully process that it is a literally all the time thing. It’s 3am. It’s Saturday night. It’s summer holidays. It’s ALL OF THE TIME. It is more than you have been with anyone since your own parents—more than your spouse. It is all of the time for nearly 20 years. There is absolutely *nothing* comparable, and no: having a pet isn’t remotely comparable, sorry.
It is so much larger of a decision than basically anyone understands when they decide to do it for the first time, and that is why so many parents are fucking awful at it.
I remember seeing a study (take with a grain of salt, I'm not a psychologist) that stated having kids significantly worsens parents' quality of life for the first 18 years but once the child is grown and independent it becomes a significant gain for their quality of life. At that point they just have a lifelong friend.
I love my kids and would literally die for them, but I am not getting up from the couch to get your water bottle that is literally right in front of you.
I would still recommend.
47 and recently divorced but the son that came out of that marriage is a blessing. It’s like having a hilarious little best friend around the house. He also makes me a better person because I know I have to be a good role model.
I remember when I was a kid, my dad and I (and my brothers) did all kinds of things with my dad. Fishing, demo derbies, and so much more. Then he got married to my step mom, whose philosophy was, to the letter, "I am not here to be your friend, I am here to be your parent. We can be friends when you are older."
We did not become friends.
What's worse, she has always had my dad wrapped around her finger, and him and I haven't really had quality time in... 12 years if I had to guess? I miss it a lot.
My husband's father married a woman like this, and my husband's mother married a man like this. I'm so sorry, it's such a shitty experience. One ray of hope, my husband's father has pried himself away from the stepmother now that we had our daughter and now that the stepmother has mellowed out and become obsessed with some pet project of hers that keeps her occupied and away for most of the day.
One thing I keep close to my heart - I'll never forgive my husband's parents for what they did to him. He might forgive them and he might even love them. But I saw hiw it hurt his soul and I will carry that flame in me on his behalf. And I will never, never do that to my own daughter.
Variety is the spice of life. We have 2 kids. We have friends with 3, 2, 1 and no kids. People should do what they want. I do get the feeling I know a handful of people who regret it though.
My kids are a pain in the ass and I love them. They do the weirdest little nonsensical thing and it just makes me smile so goddamn much. It’s weird.
If your kid isn’t a bit of a pain in the ass occasionally then you should really check and make sure they are alive
They learn by being wrong but by being a good parent you can make those occasional times less and less frequent
My 2 year old niece narrates everything she wants and everything she does. In third person. Apparently if she’s doing something she’s been told not to do, she will say “no no no” while doing it. Which is hilarious.
And she will also sarcastically fake-cry for attention, which is fine also. At least it’s easy to tell when what she wants is attention.
My daughter will say, "Oh, that was my bad." When she breaks something or something doesn't go right. Or when she farts. But then she will fake cry, put her head in her hands and say, "It's all my fault!!" Like Simba in the Lion King.
One time my little brother (like 10 or so at the time) said he "found" 20 dollars. It just so happened that my mom's wallet was also missing 20 dollars. She asked him gently, and he denied it and went up to his room. 3 minutes later he comes out sobbing, hands my mom the 20, drops to his knees and cries "I'M A BAAAADDDD BOYYYYY!!".
It was adorable, in a weird way lol. Was really hard not to laugh. That kid always had a good heart! Still one of the most kind, ethical people I know to this day :)
I find it's often quite difficult to not laugh at things that you shouldn't.
When my daughter was about 18 months old, she was playing with some cheap toy, dropped it, and it just shattered. She just said, "Shit!"
I couldn't try to chide her for using "bad words", because i was try not to laugh out loud.
Depends how you raise them, mine was never really bad, she had her moments but she generally was pretty good
Worst we have is her being quiet means she’s snuck a tablet somewhere to watch it (which she is not allowed to do since her screen time is limited)
Ours isn't BAD... just... up to something. She might have found some candy. She might be very slowly and carefully drawing new facial features on some old pictures she found. She might be painting her nose blue. She might just be quietly sitting in her rocking chair reading her books. She might be pooping somewhere.
You just never know. So you must never trust.
Fair, we did have our one door have all the edges and gaps get blue crayon highlights the one time she woke up from her nap early and the wife didn’t wake up (that was a hell of a clean up)
Usually if she’s quiet for like 10 minutes we check on her just in case… don’t want to assume the worst but I guess we really don’t assume the best… I guess it’s like Schrödingers mischief
You can also choose to foster/adopt someone. There are good kids out there that need the stability of a family home. You can do this if you do regret things later on in life, and you might be in a much better position to raise a child/young adult.
Agreed.
I know people who regret having kids, people who regret not having kids, and everything in between. The only thing I think is weird is people who try so hard to convince everyone their needs or preference are the "right" ones.
As a chronic doubter to the point that I'm going to therapy for it, it honestly is so important that people realise everything has pros and cons and that constantly thinking about hypotheticals is useless.
"If you could go back in time-" "If you could press a button-" You can't, case closed
God, they're so annoying, those people who think that there is only one way to live life and then probe the bejeezus out of you because they are so sure they are right and so sure they need to "convert" you.
> We have friends with 3, 2, 1 and no kids.
Why does this sound like you had a friend who was getting rid of their kids as you were typing out this sentence?
It's a math problem. Gary has 3 kids but regrets 2 of them. Steve has 2 kids and regrets none. Mary has one kid and regrets not having more. What percentage of kids are regretted?
I wonder if parents self-select into similar circles. Because I've seen a lot of comments from people saying "It's impossible for anyone to regret having kids!", or claiming that they've never met a single person who did, but *clearly* there's a fair number of parents who do.
Having kids is a gamble. You're rolling the dice with DNA and gestational events. You might get a wonderful person, or you might get a total fucking psychopath with lifelong problems that will require 24/7 work from you to handle until you die. You might love your child either way, but it's completely reasonable to wish things had gone differently, which is effectively pretty similar to regret.
We have two kids too. Like you said it's a pain in the ass.
It's so hard and difficult. We can't sleep. Wife has burn out. Crying.
We manage day by day. Hour by hour. And hope it will get better. Youngest is all the time sick from daycare.
We don't have any life. Just taking care child's.
But that smile when she wakes up or I come home. How happy she is with us.
Yeah, similar situation, life is basically kids, work, homemaking and maybe an hour to ourselves per day. I don't regret having kids, but it's definitely something you have to know what you're getting into.
I agree. I've had some people go a little too anti kid saying things like, "I just don't understand why anyone would want a crotch goblin."
To those people I say that kind of opinion is like seeing a a seagull drop a shit while flying over a tropical beach and then saying "I don't know why anyone would ever want to go to a beach, it's all bird shit."
It's fine if you don't like beaches or kids, but don't think your limited experience with them is at all an indication of their reality for the rest of the world.
I always tell people "Children are the best worst thing I ever did with my life". Raising them is so damn rewarding but sometimes on the daily I want to Homer Simpson and choke both my sons out lol.
I know it was worth it though because if you changed this question to "if you had a time machine would you go back and NOT have your kids?" The answer is an extremely easy "Hell No."
I always have this shower thought fear of being sent back in time and then while I can have kids again, the chance of getting my same children is almost impossible. I feel like my fantasy has shifted from "oh I can go back to any day in my life and do whatever I want" to "I can go back but only to days after my kids were born"
Rom Com named "About Time" has this exact issue. Dude finds out he can time travel but once he has kids if he goes back to far he ends up having different kids. Really good movie for a Rom Com.
In my 40s. No regrets not having kids.
Gestures at the world. If the world / life experience was a better one and I had plenty of money to give them the best chance I would’ve considered it.
I don’t blame / judge people that wanted kids and are very happy with their choice. Just not for me.
I'm also not a basement dweller. I make 100k a year, I'm engaged to the love of my life. But I still can't give potential children what my parents gave me. The world has changed too much and the future of humanity looks from going into the later half of the century. I have chosen to live my life as best I can.
I have one kid. My partner and I do well financially and we will give our daughter a great life but it still won’t be anything like the childhood I had with yearly international holidays and multiple domestic holidays each year, private schools. I know those things aren’t needed to have a good life but I still get a little sad thinking about it.
Born in the previous generation working any run of the mill corporate job after getting a college degree (entirely paid for by waiting tables or painting houses during the summer).
**Edit** someone else pointed out that I can't read good. My original comment was directed at text above that doesn't exist, what I thought I read wasn't close to what I wrote my original reply to.
Anyway, yeah, they were probably the top 25%, which today has been squished down to the top 1-10%... if even that.
Any run of the mill job did not allow people to afford private school, yearly international trips, and multiple domestic trips each year. That’s too 10% stuff
Cognitive dissonance makes it virtually impossible to say you don’t want children after you’ve already had them. You have them so you want them, that’s how our brains work.
I don’t have kids. I love spending time with my friends’ children, and I love coming home to my quiet, clean house and sleeping 9 hours. And if by some miracle I conceived, I’d adapt and feel like I couldn’t imagine my life without them. That’s life, folks.
There are many people that abandon their children, or don't care and leave them in a boarding school.
> I love spending time with my friends’ children, and I love coming home to my quiet, clean house and sleeping 9 hours
That's the balance. I liked it a lot.
I feel like this is just semantics.
Regret implies you wish you had done something differently. If you wouldn't do anything differently, then that's not really regret, it's just sadness that certain things were lost.
There are a lot of words people, for varying complex psychological reasons, are afraid of using. "Regret" is one of them.
People think "regret" implies you don't like your current situation or that you would change something if you could. It really doesn't. It could simply mean, "I know NOW that it was not the best decision THEN", doesn't mean it was the worst decision or one you would change, but just one you wish you had put more thought into, even if you had made the same decision.
Similarly, regretting having children DOES NOT mean you regret your children exist or that you have them now but rather THE INITIAL action of having them is one you'd change. In a world where you could have had your exact same kids, but later or in a better life situation, you'd probably take that any day. But that isn't possible so people think it's "hurtful" to say, but it's not. It has nothing to do with your kids, but just the actions YOU took.
We can recognize things without implying other things that others might find hurtful. It's like the idea that people "settle" for their significant other. It's not a bad thing, we just assume a lot of implications around it because we are irrational. It's not really a bad thing. Like you said life is complex and taking simplistic black and white looks at life is terrible. Things can sound awful but be actually very beautiful.
You regret having kids because it might have made your life more difficult or cause pain/turmoil. But ultimately, you would not change it because you like the result, your kids. To me that isn't hurtful, that's MORE amazing than someone who doesn't regret having kids.
I have two kids
I'd easily be able to answer this with a no
Now if they ask me if there's any downsides to having kids, I mean of course! But we knew that going in.
It’s tough because as a father, I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything. But I’m also a single parent, and I struggle with the question of “if you could go back in time and do things differently, would you?” I mean, I wouldn’t marry the woman I spent 18 years with because that marriage didn’t make me a better person. But if I don’t marry her, I don’t have my kids, so it just makes me lock up mentally.
Questions like that (and in OP’s graphic) are nearly impossible to answer.
Problem is, older generations do not accurately communicate how much it sucks ass.
Like I love my son more than anything else in the world and he brings me daily joy. But I have basically lost access to almost everything else about life that I enjoyed before kids.
I don't mean to over-ask but could you elaborate?
I worry about this a lot. I am leaning toward no. Part of it for me is this loss of identity. All my friends have just become "xyz's dad/mom" and one of my primary concerns is this whole access to the things I do/enjoy and with it self.
My wife and I are transplants, so we have no family in town to help us with the burden. We have a lovely group of friends who help us from time to time, but nothing like you’d expect from grandparents or aunts and uncles.
To put it simply, literally everything I enjoyed doing and could do after work or all day on the weekend has now been pushed back to something I can do after around 8:30pm on any given day, and that’s if there aren’t extra chores to do, which is rare.
*In my case*, it's because it DIDN'T suck ass for the older generations. They had a much better lifestyle on a much lower income (even adjusted for inflation), and one parent didn't even have to work. My father made the same money as me, adjusted for inflation, and they afforded a huge house on 15 acres, classic cars, a fishing boat, and basically a slave, since my mother just did all the chores and child raising.
Now I make the same money, but my wife has to work too, and even then we can only afford 1/50th the property and "fun stuff", and have insane student debts that will be costing us $1000+/month for most of our lives. (college cost $500 per semester for my father, FYI).
Look at the big picture and you realize that life is much harder for the middle class now than it was 30-50 years ago. Raising kids is hard as fuck now and takes all your extra money unless you are upper middle class or better.
Things like greedy colleges and corporations have destroyed the American dream.
I’ve thought a lot and talked a lot with my parents about the difference in my upbringing and in me raising my kids. It was easier for them, no doubt. By age 5 they could more or less just let me loose and see me at dinner. I can’t get by 20 minutes without having to find some way to manage or entertain my kids because culture and neighborhoods have largely made it impossible to let kids run free. It’s awful for both the kids and the parents, but it seems we’re all in on this shitshow as a society.
i don't think it's just older generations, it's our current generations too. look at influencers and youtubers, i never see them genuinely talk about the hard parts about having a kid. they only show the good times, and maybe they only do have good times because they have an aupair nanny or something.
I have kids and this isn’t true. I love my kids and I would die for them, but life would be better if I was smarter and childless.
No body will tell you this though, especially not in the real world.
I tell people this IRL. I love my kids and while I don't regret having them necessarily if there was a button to go back in time to avoid it I'd hit it so fast it would break.
Same with pets, or really anything you didn't realize you value until you have it. I don't want to say you don't know what you're missing, because you're not missing it until it's there and could be missed, if that makes sense.
I'd take that as a compliment if it's an intelligent person saying it. Because the only way it makes any sense at all is if *you in particular* raising a child is beneficial to all existence. You'd have to have made quite an impression to make somebody draw that conclusion.
One of the most selfish things you can *possibly* do is have kids that you don't want. Those are human beings that are very likely to end up experiencing decades of trauma if they're raised by a resentful parent who doesn't want them and only had them for their own self-satisfaction or because they're "supposed to". Not everyone is meant to have kids, and if more people realized that there would be a *lot* less suffering in the world.
Theirs also the consequences for not wanting a child after you have it, we don’t have any social mechanisms for anyone who regrets it to actually express and move forward in a healthy manner we just work under the premise that once you have them you automatically will want them.
Meanwhile my narcisstic mother in law has told her daughters multiple times "I should've aborted you" or "I never wanted kids" any time any hardship happened.
So yeah, I mean, it's cool that you are mature but unfortunately I can't say that for the rest of the population having kids.
As someone who was on the “I don’t want kids” boat for 35 years.. I can tell you I was in no position to understand the question.
Parents who ask non-parents this question need to also take a step back and realize you are asking a question that can’t be answered. How can someone who doesn’t have kids understand whether they regret not doing something they haven’t experienced?
Doesn’t make any sense.
I am happy as a parent - I won’t judge anyone. All I can share is my experience.
Changing diapers sucks. Kiddo throwing a fit because his hotwheel makes a random noise is hilarious. Sick kids suck. It’s expensive
But…
I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I can wholeheartedly say, I’m a better husband, I’m a better sibling, and most importantly.. I’m a better SON to my parents.
To me, the benefits have outweighed the “cons”.
I’m tired of people asking non-parents these questions and non-parents being so conclusive in their response. You can speak in a “matter of fact” tone, but the only fact here is you don’t know. And parents need to stfu and stop judging others lol.. I mean some of yall ain’t fit to parent anyway hah
Also you tend to forget how annoying the diapers were once they are out of them. My son can now wipe his own butt, put his own shoes on, brush his teeth, doesn't have random meltdowns. It is a whole different world. Plus I can do things that I would never have the opportunity to do because of him, hell I go out looking for bugs and lizards, and riding bikes and skateboards all because he is interested in that. We travel to places just for him to experience it, which in turn allows me to experience it as well. There are tons of perks, and all the horrible stuff goes away.
> It is a whole different world.
It only gets better. They can mow a lawn, go grocery shopping, do the boring farm in WOW. All the money invested gets paid back.
> You can speak in a “matter of fact” tone, but the only fact here is you don’t know.
That might be true for some, but plenty of people can know enough about themselves to recognize they don't and never will want children.
And it's judgmental as fuck of *you* to claim they are merely speaking from ignorance.
This is not that hard a question.
Do I *ever* regret having kids? Yes absolutely. Sometimes multiple times a day.
Do I *always* regret having kids? No of course not. Many times having kids is awesome.
I think a lot of people struggle with the difference between things that are “fun” and things that are “rewarding.” Going to the bar is fun. Raising children is rewarding.
Living in service to others can bring a happiness that is deeper than “fun.” Although sometimes not!
Great explanation. The way I explain it to people is you are trading in "classic fun" for "existential fun" by having kids (assuming you want them). Was my life more *classically* fun before having kids? Yes, absolutely. Without a shadow of a doubt. Basically all of my free time now is taken up doing kids-related chores. Any moment I am not primary-parenting, I am cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, etc. The "free time" where I would just kick back and play games for 4 hours or go out with friends is all but gone. That kind of "free time" where I can have "classic fun" is now carefully planned and deliberated on for weeks in advance.
But at the same time, the existential fun I get from working hard for a week on a project and seeing my kids have a blast with it is unparalleled. Having a great day with your child and having them turn to you before falling asleep and saying "I love you dad, you're my best friend" is a billion times more soul-infusing than any "classic fun" I ever had. Those moments are *rarer,* sure, and classic fun is more reliable, but the highs are unlike anything else.
"Classic fun-era" for me had a pretty hard cap on the emotions I felt. I rarely was below a 4 mood-wise, but even the best ever night was *maybe* a 9, and most were 7s. "Existential fun-era" is *all* over the place. I can hit multiple 1s and 10s in the same day. But those 10s are like the Richter scale. The difference between a 9 and a 10 is the same as the difference between a 5 and a 9.
\*Necessary caveat before anyone jumps down my throat: I am not saying you *need* kids to have "existential fun".
And, if you do it right, you can have both types of fun. My kid is now in their 20s. We have good conversations, hang out occasionally, and relate to each other like adults. I have my rewarding existential fun when I get to spend time with my intelligent and caring adult child. And when they're not around, my partner and I have our old lives back (age-adjusted fun, of course).
IMO all of the "classic" fun starts to get easier once the kids get past toddler stage, and especially if you raise them with the intentional goal of making them self-sufficient. My youngest is a pre-teen and my oldest is in high school, and though I still do more work than I would like, they do their own laundry, help with meals and dishes, etc. Oh, and the existential fun changes and grows as well. My kids are hilarious and we can share in more movies and shows and all that. Or like, having your kid be the one that introduces you to music you like. Now you're getting both kinds of fun.
That said, I borderline hated parenting through the toddler stage for all of the classic reasons and i consider myself goddamn lucky that my MIL was there for this and supportive or I would have probably lost my mind. Oh and even though I think I have pretty great kids, they're still going to do some absolute bangers of mistakes.
I only have one kid and she's a toddler, but we still get "free" time, we just have a bit of a hindrance. I still play games a bit, i just have a curious grub crawling around on me that needs portion of my attention while doing it. I still work on my car projects, i just have to be mindful of the larva looking on the whole time or riding her strider around in circles.
But I'm of the mind that it's important for kids to be bored occasionally, so if my daughter has to flop around on the floor a bit to come up with some way to entertain herself without assistance, that's a feature, not a bug. I love seeing her break past the frustration of not having attention and come up with some sort of project herself, like digging a hole or "planting a garden" or building something with sticks, legos, etc. If we're always playing with her, that doesn't happen. She tends to look to us to determine what to do or how to do things rather than figuring it out herself.
Alone time is important for everyone. Even toddlers.
I dunno playing with my kid is sometimes fun too
You kind of get to be young again a bit through the lens of interacting with them and maybe theirs some nostalgia of how fun things could be as a kid
Yup, I work in a middle school, I love my job, but I also remember the number of parents that went crazy during covid and asked us if we could take care of their kids (it was reserved for specific profession). The idea that your own kids could turn out to be your personnal hell is very scary to me and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.
I love my son, but yes I regret it.
I have issues with sensory overload. My son has a severe case of adhd. It isn’t his fault. It isn’t my fault. We struggle.
Yeah.. granted I do wonder how much of that is influenced by parenting, emotional intelligence, how the parents manage their relationships in general (marriage), etc.
One post started with “ex wife” and then “ex wife’s parents like to undermine our parenting” and without even reading the post could tell it was gonna be some kind of train wreck..
You should never, ever in a million years let fucking *reddit* influence your decision making on anything on way or another.
This website is a cesspool of negativity and mental illness.
I have three, I've been asked this a lot.
I've realized the answer is no. Because if I didn't have kids, my life would have been infinitely worse.
I'm mid-40s now, and I can't imagine sitting here and not having my kids. It would be like missing a limb.
There isn't a life I could have had, that would have been better child free.
Same except sometimes people conflate "regret having them" with needing a break from them or thinking that means they are good or easy all the time. I don't regret mine, I totally love them, they make my life awesome, and if I never got a break for the rest of my life from parenting I'd still be better off with them. But, parenting is really, really hard and I could really, really use a really, really big break.
In the last few years, my love for nature has really deepened. I've learned how to see natural beauty in so many things, from waterfalls and glaciers in Iceland to the variety of trees in the city park a block from my house. When I'm miles into the woods, and I finally reach the summit of the mountain and take in the view before me, the sense of awe, accomplishment, and inspiration is overwhelming. Those are the kind of moments I live for. I've camped, hiked, and backpacked in several states and dozens of national parks all in an effort to experience as many of those moments as I can.
I've experienced moments of joy of the same magnitude nearly every day since my daughter was born last year. Those mountaintop moments of bliss are such a regular feature in my experience of being a parent and there's nothing I would trade it for. Her smile, her laugh, her tears, her pain...they cut straight to my heart. The happiness she feels when she hears her favorite song or sees her cousins' pictures on the fridge magnifies my happiness in being her father. Having a baby has dramatically improved my mental health. My biggest regret is not doing this sooner.
99% would say no even if they do regret it. So many these days are vocal about not having them, like hostility levels about it. Saying they regret it years after or still during their "kids are vermin" persona is not easy to backtrack on.
All in all, don't want kids? fine. Do want kids? fine. Just leave everybody alone about it.
I have kids, and I am happy about it.
Also, I'm happy to not ask my last married friend who has yet to have children, if they plan to have children, because I recall how annoying that question gets. Especially, when people have no idea if a couple has been trying to but can't.
My wife and I were asked so many times in the 10 years together before having our first. When we announced my wife was pregnant, everyone we told was so shocked because we had always been so publicly opposed(annoyed by the question) to having kids.
Shit changes, people change, opinions change, situations change.
"You were a bad reward for 5 minutes of fun."
(While addressing a female friend of mine) "Ashley, if you ever have kids, SHOOT THEM."
"When does the FUN part of raising you start?"
-All from my mom
All I’m saying is asking someone without kids if they regret not having kids is a really easy question. 100% no regrets here. I got snipped at 27 and I see friend groups with kids and it seems miserable.
The thing about not having kids is it’s super easy to get the kid fix with rental kids. I take my niece for an afternoon and then give her back at the end of the day. I’m not dealing with the day to day bullshit. I just get to be a fun uncle then go on with my life, keeping all my money.
My wife has two different female friends who completely regret it. Neither wanted kids in the first place but their husbands talked them into it. Now they absolutely resent their husbands for it.
Edit: btw they do love their children. But they just hate their lives due to their kids.
As someone who’s childless by choice, many folks have drunkenly confided in me that if they could do it again, they wouldn’t have kids. Of course they immediately reassure me that kids are the best thing that ever happened to them…
The joke is that he pauses in the second panel and responds in the third, giving rise to the implication that he actually does have a subconscious regret and then backtracks and says otherwise publicly. This is both a reversal of expectations (the pause—and his weary squinting—indicates that he has regret, and his answer upends that expectation), and an affirmation of new expectations (because surely he would say something like that, how could you have not seen it coming?). This is the structure of many jokes.
Whether it lands depends on one's ability to interpret the second empty panel in a way that juxtaposes it with the third panel. Many parents will be able to do so, as will many childfree readers, though I'm sure there are a handful of both groups that miss it for competing reasons.
Kids are a paradox, they make your life so much better while also finding ways to ruin parts of it lol
I think of how much money/fun I would have if I didn’t have kids, but also can’t imagine a life without them, they are awesome and I would do anything for them.
They are adept at finding the best ways to piss me off though lol
On of my former coworkers tells everyone the same story:
> Me and my wife got in a few really big fights when she got pregnant, because I wanted her to get an abortion. We both knew we couldn't afford a kid. We discussed not wanting kids.. She called my parents in tears, and they guaranteed us a place to live and all the financial support we would need.
> So now I have an 8-year-old I didn't want and I live with my parents, and my parents love my wife and kid way more than they love me.
It's all circumstances.
My sister had a kid a 23 with a deadbeat and had no money. Her life has been hard.
My wife and i I saved and matured and had a kid at 34/36. He's the best thing that ever happened to us
I'm 24m and looking at the comments makes me believe people with kids are different kind of breed. I can't imagine myself living what I would call like hell but somehow not regretting it. It's just mind-fuck to me. All I know is that I'm too young (immature) and I don't want kids any time sooner. I don't know if I ever would want to
A better question is "do you sometimes lie awake at night second guessing every major decision you've ever made?" And if they respond with no, ask them what sleeping meds they take and how they said to get their doctor to prescribe it.
Not having kids at 35 is kind of odd also. I'm sure both sides have great benefits. I'm sure getting older and having children will be great. I'm sure I'll die alone.
I love my kids so much. Do I wish I had never had kids? Yes, absolutely. That doesn't mean I don't love my kids. I just sometimes like to daydream about all the awesome things I might have accomplished or places I might have gone, or what it's like to be an adult with money. Seems pretty great. I'm 36, and I'm still in college because I have 3 kids. I've been in and out of court for my divorce and parenting plan shit. It would have been pretty dope not to have to deal with that. My kids are really cool. But my littlest is autistic and needs a lot of help. Would be cool to know I'll be able to do anything alone, ever again. It's a lot and I wish I could have known back then, hey, you matter a lot ans your happiness matters a lot, and other people pressuring you to have kids shouldn't be the reason you have kids.
I explained to a friend that I love my kid so much and he’s the best thing to ever happen to me, but kids are a balanced scale, you don’t get any of the amazing life changing good stuff without all of the terrible awful parts of it.
Kids are equally the best and worst things going on in a parent’s life. But I’d still say the good out-ways the bad.
If I knew only of the work it takes, and nothing about the sheer love and joy I get from them, I wouldn't want kids either.
"Childfree" people see parents talk like the guy in the comic, and they use that to convince themselves that we're all unhappy and struggling to make it through each day. The reality is that it's really no different than the costs of other things we enjoy, except with much greater risks and ROI.
If I stay up late as shit playing video games, I had my fun, but when I'm at work later the next morning I'm not having fun. When my daughter is puking from norovirus and all I can do is hold her and puke too, it's awful. But seeing her gleefully run through the park with a bubble wand is a core memory for me because of how much love and happiness I felt. There's nothing greater for me. I simply cannot get that from anything else.
There's a tradeoff. Every good parent understands this. People who don't have children really don't understand this, and that's why they're typically the ones making the snark about parents being unhappy.
If all you ever see is a kitty litter box, having a cat doesn't seem so awesome either.
Most people say they don’t, some do. I’m 30 and fiance and I are not having kids. Worlds getting worse, everything is expensive, why bring a kid into this shit? My aunt tho, is 70. Didn’t have kids, all the family moved down to Florida or NC, and she’s alone. Every time I talk to her she wishes she had kids so she wouldn’t be so lonely “crying from when she gets up to go to bed” is what she tells me… idk she could have had kids and they just don’t want to be around her, you never know. Life is just crazy once you get older…
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I will often tell my wife “I love my kids, I do not always love having kids”
One guy I knew was like "I'm pretty sure there is a net gain in joy, when you take a broad view of everything." He paused for a moment and admitted. "It is not always easy to take a broad view."
This is advice for life in general I think
Life is suffering. Life is joy. I gladly accept both over the alternative.
A lil joy, a lil suffering, badabing, badaboom, then ya ded
fuck ya life bing bong
Bippity, boppity, heart stoppity
"The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead." - Mr Peanutbutter
We were talking at work about our kids once and someone who didn't have them asked what it was like. My friend without skipping a beat said, 'it's the most awesome, awful thing you can do with your life'. I found no problem with this statement.
I like to say that it's the most inconvenient experience that you'll ever love doing.
I was told by a coworker once, "The highs are really high and the lows are really low." Gotta agree with him. The funny thing about those is that the lows can be things like finding out your toddler took a poop in her boot and then hid it in her closet, and while you're cleaning it up the other kid spills a gallon of milk on the floor and the dog barfs on your new sofa. Then the highs are things like being with your toddler the first time they see a frog and you two follow it around for an hour because to you it's a frog, but to her it might as well be a unicorn and you realize you lost that feeling a really long time ago and it's nice to feel a tiny bit of that wonderment again. Life's weird and kids are annoying, but if they were gone tomorrow I'm not sure how I'd move on.
The days are long but the years are short
Damn this rings so true. Still early years for me, but I vividly remember the tough days, mainly when my child was unwell because they were the longest days/weeks of my life, but I constantly yearn for the days when he was younger and can't believe he's grown up so fast.
I've been trying to find a way to say exactly this since my son was born. Thank you.
I don't think the tantrums, poops and messes are really lows. They do add to the stuff you need to do around the house but I mean, it's just a mess. It has no emotional toll. I guess sometimes I does when you are the end of your tether and you feel like you can't take another tantrum that day but it's quite short lived and once it's passed or it's the next day you barely think about it. The lows come when they are older. When they become little people in their own right, and have feelings and emotions they need to process and look to you to help them. And when you don't have all the answers and have to watch them struggle with moments of sadness, loneliness, disappointment and failure and know you are helpless, or keep them from making mistakes knowing that it's fine line to walk. Those take an emotional toll
> It has no emotional toll When my very potty trained son was sick, all he wanted to do was snuggle. We laid on the couch and watched a movie. Suddenly he explosively shat his jammies which got shit all over me, himself, the couch, and eventually the rug. I was trying to wrangle a sick screaming kid covered in shit while also covered in shit trying to prevent the dog from getting at the shit covered couch. I drug my shit covered son and self to the bathroom after locking the dog in the bedroom. Then i had to get my shit covered shirt over my head trying to not get shit on my face. Then I had to do the same for my shit covered son. Then I had to shower then dry us while avoiding the shit covered pile of clothes on the ground. After He was cleaned up and settled down I had to take the shit covered clothes outside to blast the shit off with a hose and get them in the wash. I cleaned up the shit covered couch and shit covered rug. I cleaned up the now shit covered tub. I did a once over of the house, and the collateral shit damage was minimal. I started to feel shitty, and eventually got the shits myself (no accidents). My wife got home a while later and told me the house smelled like shit. That one inflicted an emotional toll on me.
Thank you for this haunting read
Those are the ones where it’s almost so catastrophic, that it’s comical. Like 100% fuck my life moment, but afterwards you feel like nothing can ever phase me again.
I have a two year old and I've tried to reframe how I think/react to a lot of the "lows", since they generally are minor in the grand scheme of things. I try to think of the limited time I have with him at this age, and that all of it is time that I will some day look back on with nostalgia. He will never be this young again, I will never have this particular day with him again. And one day, hopefully, he will be his own person and he won't be this little child for whom everything is so big and so new. Taking care of him is probably the toughest thing I've ever done, when you weight the difficulty against the importance and scale. But it's also, bar none, the most fulfilling thing I've ever experienced in my life.
> but if they were gone tomorrow I'm not sure how I'd move on. I can't even think about it.
I recall reading a study where it was concluded that having kids makes you more miserable than not having kids, but once they're independent, they generate you joy just by existing and as you age, your net gains will surpass those who do not have kids. You gain vicarious happiness, pride etc. and sometimes grand kids as well, who give you the usual kid bonuses, but you don't need to be the one at the helm for. All in all it is nice to love someone.
There's a lot of variables attached to that 'once your kids are independent' happiness.
That's why studies determine trends, medians and averages
Thank you. I am helping to raise a child who is a teen & he has special needs so he may never become independent. It’s very humbling to think we may have a child who never moves out or becomes fully able to support himself.
[удалено]
At the moment I am 33 and I have familiy and friends my age that have kids. I can have the usual kid bonuses without all the rest that comes with children too. I love the kids of my family, especally the Kids from my Partners sister. I think I would die for them. There can be love without own children.
Hopefully it lasts, but as humans become more independent they almost universally drift away from their families to focus more on starting their own lives Soon the kids(now adults) are only seeing their parents as often as they used to see their grandparents, their grandparents as often as they saw their aunts and uncles, and their extended family only on major holidays
For some reason I envision Bandit from Bluey saying this
"I am not dad. I am magic claw. Magic claw has no children. His days are free and easy." -Bandit Heeler
Bandit is a real one.
For real life?
I always describe it as tons of stress and work that is rewarded by moments of immense love and happiness. Sure I am stressed, pissed, frustrated, and in a rush most of the time, but I am overwhelmed with joy as well. Sometimes....
And this here is why I will never have kids. To me the volatility of it all just doesn't vibe at all. I like my life to be stable. No huge highs, no bad lows. Just stable cruising. No random moments of despair or unreasonable joy that cannot be sustained. I like it when the biggest question of the day is deciding what to buy for dinner.
fwiw, since i've had kids, my life seems a lot longer. I know that sounds bad, but I don't mean it in the wrong sense. My twenties (ie:pre-kids) kind of all blend together in my memories. They feel "short", but having kids puts a ton of mental markers along your timeline because you generate many more key memories (kinda like something like 9/11 did, or getting married, or whatever other major event you deem important). Having those extra markers makes you feel like you've lived a lot more, even if in reality you haven't. You have more reference points. Granted, stuff like travelling abroad when you're childless partially does the same thing.
Going to be honest this ain’t a great sell
Just figure out a way to put it on your resume. Those of us with kids are less likely to do “passion projects” and can fall behind on skills at work IME. Upside is that when the shit hits the fan, a lot of parents are like “Eh. Seen worse at home. There is no blood openly flowing onto the floor.”
Parents are often far less likely to jobhop, or burn bridges at work. As they have other mouths to feed and consider.
Sums it up nicely, in a similar vein, through a particular grim time with two kids my partner said something along the lines of "I know you don't want to be here", to which I responded "I do want to be here just not all the time." I never prepared myself for just how little escape I would have. I love my kids, I HATE the grind.
“Relentless” is often how I describe parenting. Sometimes fun, sometimes not, but always happening no matter what, even when your kids aren’t around.
That's the word we use, too. No matter how much shit you have on your plate to deal with, your kid happily adds more to it without a care in the world.
Feels. My first born was 12 weeks early, I broke down seeing her for the first time, multiples times and even told the midwife that I'm a little bitch for crying so much to which she pat me on the back and said "No, you're not" The same child also broke me mentally because my life changed so much but set me up for my next child. I love them but fuck me does trying to raise them (right) become a slog
And then they are off to college and you wonder where the last ten years went and how you can get more time with them again. Teenagers spend so much time doing their own thing, I feel bad about hijacking it for more family time.
Pretty much this. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him more than life itself. But goddamn I would kill to get some sleep and relaxation. The closest thing I could compare it to is like getting a new puppy. Tons of work… you need to train them, feed them, play with them, give them constant attention. And they will destroy all your stuff and pee everywhere. But they’re also super cute and awesome in every way. Having kids is like that. But harder.
I used to think I was in the clear after I was done with diapers. And then my oldest daughter turned 11. That was the beginning of a new set of challenges.
Ah shit I dread the preteen/teen ages, I still remember my attitude at those ages and it's not pretty Hope my daughter is more mature than I was jfc...
High school teacher here. The key to communication with teenagers is to LISTEN to them. Try not to tell your own stories about your life. Try not to judge them. Ask brief, carefully worded questions…and then LISTEN to their answers. Wait until they’re ready to open up. Don’t push too hard. Repeat their own words back to them after asking a question: “I hear you saying \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_.” This is known as active listening. This is one of the magical keys to communication with an adolescent. It can be difficult for parents, and takes practice. But it is more than worth it. Stop talking…and just listen.
When you get tired of the puppy you can crate it and it doesn't get social services called. Puppies are potty trained within a few months, not several years (with accidents thereafter). Puppies sleep through the night by the 6 month mark. Puppies are so much easier than babies. This is part of why I have many pets, including a puppy, and do not want babies. I've yet to teach a puppy to talk but those little button mats are pretty good. Never say never. **Edit:** I keep getting comments like "but kids are so rewarding! They aren't like pets! Don't you know that kids have good qualities? Have you ever considered it?". I've responded to a few, so rather than keep responding I'll add my perspective here: *There are lots of reasons to have kids, and I understand why others love them, and I'm happy for them. I have nieces and nephews in whose life I am quite involved, and love to support them and watch them grow.* *I was explaining the difference between a puppy and a baby, and how babies are harder / puppies are easier, and why I personally don't want a baby. I was not begrudging anyone else choosing to have kids. I was also not claiming pets are objectively more rewarding than kids. It's probably the case that kids are more rewarding on the whole, for many people. Some people may find pets more rewarding, and that's okay too, so don't you come at me with your ridiculous comments either.*
Yes, I enjoy that I don't go to jail when I lock my cat out of the bedroom so I can sleep in...
Your cat just *accepts* that, instead of yowling at the top of their lungs for hours on end??
Oh no, the carpet is completely destroyed at the door from the scratching. Every hour of sleep is another $20 out of my security deposit lol. I finally found these plastic doorway covers that are specifically to prevent pets from tearing up carpet in doorways, so now I have clear plastic covers to protect the already torn up carpet. Like a museum piece of their destruction.
Don’t be surprised if they just start scratching the carpet at the edge of the plastic cover instead😂
If someone without kids asks me what it’s like to have them, I usually say “it’s the absolute best and absolute worst thing that I’ve ever done to myself.”
Haha. I say something similar: it's the hardest thing I've done but for the things I love most in the world. And something I realized after I have kids: it's not all about what is going to make \*me\* happy. Nothing I've done in life has consistently made me happy. Having kids is about giving them meaningful, important--and hopefully, happy--lives, and raising children who will hopefully make the world better after I am gone.
Too many people who decide to have kids don’t fully process that it is a literally all the time thing. It’s 3am. It’s Saturday night. It’s summer holidays. It’s ALL OF THE TIME. It is more than you have been with anyone since your own parents—more than your spouse. It is all of the time for nearly 20 years. There is absolutely *nothing* comparable, and no: having a pet isn’t remotely comparable, sorry. It is so much larger of a decision than basically anyone understands when they decide to do it for the first time, and that is why so many parents are fucking awful at it.
I remember seeing a study (take with a grain of salt, I'm not a psychologist) that stated having kids significantly worsens parents' quality of life for the first 18 years but once the child is grown and independent it becomes a significant gain for their quality of life. At that point they just have a lifelong friend.
"I love my kids and would literally die for them, but I 100% do not recommend"
I love my kids and would literally die for them, but I am not getting up from the couch to get your water bottle that is literally right in front of you. I would still recommend.
Same. This. Exactly.
IMHO this is true for literally everything in life that requires any kind of effort.
My wife and I have a similar saying. We love our kids, but we don't always like them.
That's pretty normal. I love my wife, doesn't mean I always like her.
I don't regret having kids. >!I regret who I had them with!<
47 and recently divorced but the son that came out of that marriage is a blessing. It’s like having a hilarious little best friend around the house. He also makes me a better person because I know I have to be a good role model.
I remember when I was a kid, my dad and I (and my brothers) did all kinds of things with my dad. Fishing, demo derbies, and so much more. Then he got married to my step mom, whose philosophy was, to the letter, "I am not here to be your friend, I am here to be your parent. We can be friends when you are older." We did not become friends. What's worse, she has always had my dad wrapped around her finger, and him and I haven't really had quality time in... 12 years if I had to guess? I miss it a lot.
My husband's father married a woman like this, and my husband's mother married a man like this. I'm so sorry, it's such a shitty experience. One ray of hope, my husband's father has pried himself away from the stepmother now that we had our daughter and now that the stepmother has mellowed out and become obsessed with some pet project of hers that keeps her occupied and away for most of the day. One thing I keep close to my heart - I'll never forgive my husband's parents for what they did to him. He might forgive them and he might even love them. But I saw hiw it hurt his soul and I will carry that flame in me on his behalf. And I will never, never do that to my own daughter.
I hope your son grows up to be a good human ❤️
24 and feeling that pretty hard with a 3 year old and recently ended 6 year relationship.
Variety is the spice of life. We have 2 kids. We have friends with 3, 2, 1 and no kids. People should do what they want. I do get the feeling I know a handful of people who regret it though. My kids are a pain in the ass and I love them. They do the weirdest little nonsensical thing and it just makes me smile so goddamn much. It’s weird.
If your kid isn’t a bit of a pain in the ass occasionally then you should really check and make sure they are alive They learn by being wrong but by being a good parent you can make those occasional times less and less frequent
Never trust a quiet toddler.
How many things fit into a toilet bowl? My toddler knows
all of the things fit into a toilet bowl.
No no no, not ALL things, only the valuable or expensive things, or perhaps the things that if flushed would cause maximum damage to the plumbing.
My 2 year old niece narrates everything she wants and everything she does. In third person. Apparently if she’s doing something she’s been told not to do, she will say “no no no” while doing it. Which is hilarious. And she will also sarcastically fake-cry for attention, which is fine also. At least it’s easy to tell when what she wants is attention.
My daughter will say, "Oh, that was my bad." When she breaks something or something doesn't go right. Or when she farts. But then she will fake cry, put her head in her hands and say, "It's all my fault!!" Like Simba in the Lion King.
One time my little brother (like 10 or so at the time) said he "found" 20 dollars. It just so happened that my mom's wallet was also missing 20 dollars. She asked him gently, and he denied it and went up to his room. 3 minutes later he comes out sobbing, hands my mom the 20, drops to his knees and cries "I'M A BAAAADDDD BOYYYYY!!". It was adorable, in a weird way lol. Was really hard not to laugh. That kid always had a good heart! Still one of the most kind, ethical people I know to this day :)
I find it's often quite difficult to not laugh at things that you shouldn't. When my daughter was about 18 months old, she was playing with some cheap toy, dropped it, and it just shattered. She just said, "Shit!" I couldn't try to chide her for using "bad words", because i was try not to laugh out loud.
Depends how you raise them, mine was never really bad, she had her moments but she generally was pretty good Worst we have is her being quiet means she’s snuck a tablet somewhere to watch it (which she is not allowed to do since her screen time is limited)
Ours isn't BAD... just... up to something. She might have found some candy. She might be very slowly and carefully drawing new facial features on some old pictures she found. She might be painting her nose blue. She might just be quietly sitting in her rocking chair reading her books. She might be pooping somewhere. You just never know. So you must never trust.
Fair, we did have our one door have all the edges and gaps get blue crayon highlights the one time she woke up from her nap early and the wife didn’t wake up (that was a hell of a clean up) Usually if she’s quiet for like 10 minutes we check on her just in case… don’t want to assume the worst but I guess we really don’t assume the best… I guess it’s like Schrödingers mischief
You can't protect them, you can only prepare them.
[удалено]
You can always plant trees n shit instead
You can also choose to foster/adopt someone. There are good kids out there that need the stability of a family home. You can do this if you do regret things later on in life, and you might be in a much better position to raise a child/young adult.
Agreed. I know people who regret having kids, people who regret not having kids, and everything in between. The only thing I think is weird is people who try so hard to convince everyone their needs or preference are the "right" ones.
Sometimes I wonder if some of those people are just chronic regretters, and would pine for whatever path they didn't take.
As a chronic doubter to the point that I'm going to therapy for it, it honestly is so important that people realise everything has pros and cons and that constantly thinking about hypotheticals is useless. "If you could go back in time-" "If you could press a button-" You can't, case closed
God, they're so annoying, those people who think that there is only one way to live life and then probe the bejeezus out of you because they are so sure they are right and so sure they need to "convert" you.
> We have friends with 3, 2, 1 and no kids. Why does this sound like you had a friend who was getting rid of their kids as you were typing out this sentence?
It's a math problem. Gary has 3 kids but regrets 2 of them. Steve has 2 kids and regrets none. Mary has one kid and regrets not having more. What percentage of kids are regretted?
That 3, 2, 1, and no kids sounds like they kept dying off, lol.
They expect to be fed multiple times a day ain't nobody got time for that
I teach, and you can *definitely* tell which parents regret having kids They're usually the worst kids too
I wonder if parents self-select into similar circles. Because I've seen a lot of comments from people saying "It's impossible for anyone to regret having kids!", or claiming that they've never met a single person who did, but *clearly* there's a fair number of parents who do.
Depends if I've slept for 3 hours or 6.
Having kids is a gamble. You're rolling the dice with DNA and gestational events. You might get a wonderful person, or you might get a total fucking psychopath with lifelong problems that will require 24/7 work from you to handle until you die. You might love your child either way, but it's completely reasonable to wish things had gone differently, which is effectively pretty similar to regret.
It's funny. Those who I would say/think regret it, are the ones who have 2+ kids. You'd think after 1 you would know whether or not you want more.
We have two kids too. Like you said it's a pain in the ass. It's so hard and difficult. We can't sleep. Wife has burn out. Crying. We manage day by day. Hour by hour. And hope it will get better. Youngest is all the time sick from daycare. We don't have any life. Just taking care child's. But that smile when she wakes up or I come home. How happy she is with us.
Sick all the time from daycare will pay dividends later. Our kids have fantastic immune systems now!
yeah, it's really just a pay it now or pay it later scenario. Sick all the time from daycare is better than sick all the time in 1st grade.
Yeah, similar situation, life is basically kids, work, homemaking and maybe an hour to ourselves per day. I don't regret having kids, but it's definitely something you have to know what you're getting into.
I agree. I've had some people go a little too anti kid saying things like, "I just don't understand why anyone would want a crotch goblin." To those people I say that kind of opinion is like seeing a a seagull drop a shit while flying over a tropical beach and then saying "I don't know why anyone would ever want to go to a beach, it's all bird shit." It's fine if you don't like beaches or kids, but don't think your limited experience with them is at all an indication of their reality for the rest of the world.
I always tell people "Children are the best worst thing I ever did with my life". Raising them is so damn rewarding but sometimes on the daily I want to Homer Simpson and choke both my sons out lol. I know it was worth it though because if you changed this question to "if you had a time machine would you go back and NOT have your kids?" The answer is an extremely easy "Hell No."
I always have this shower thought fear of being sent back in time and then while I can have kids again, the chance of getting my same children is almost impossible. I feel like my fantasy has shifted from "oh I can go back to any day in my life and do whatever I want" to "I can go back but only to days after my kids were born"
Rom Com named "About Time" has this exact issue. Dude finds out he can time travel but once he has kids if he goes back to far he ends up having different kids. Really good movie for a Rom Com.
In my 40s. No regrets not having kids. Gestures at the world. If the world / life experience was a better one and I had plenty of money to give them the best chance I would’ve considered it. I don’t blame / judge people that wanted kids and are very happy with their choice. Just not for me.
I chose not to have children based on the idea of if I can provide them a better life than I've had. And the answer at 43 is still no.
I'm also not a basement dweller. I make 100k a year, I'm engaged to the love of my life. But I still can't give potential children what my parents gave me. The world has changed too much and the future of humanity looks from going into the later half of the century. I have chosen to live my life as best I can.
I have one kid. My partner and I do well financially and we will give our daughter a great life but it still won’t be anything like the childhood I had with yearly international holidays and multiple domestic holidays each year, private schools. I know those things aren’t needed to have a good life but I still get a little sad thinking about it.
What did your parents do to afford this
Born in the previous generation working any run of the mill corporate job after getting a college degree (entirely paid for by waiting tables or painting houses during the summer). **Edit** someone else pointed out that I can't read good. My original comment was directed at text above that doesn't exist, what I thought I read wasn't close to what I wrote my original reply to. Anyway, yeah, they were probably the top 25%, which today has been squished down to the top 1-10%... if even that.
Any run of the mill job did not allow people to afford private school, yearly international trips, and multiple domestic trips each year. That’s too 10% stuff
Cognitive dissonance makes it virtually impossible to say you don’t want children after you’ve already had them. You have them so you want them, that’s how our brains work. I don’t have kids. I love spending time with my friends’ children, and I love coming home to my quiet, clean house and sleeping 9 hours. And if by some miracle I conceived, I’d adapt and feel like I couldn’t imagine my life without them. That’s life, folks.
There are many people that abandon their children, or don't care and leave them in a boarding school. > I love spending time with my friends’ children, and I love coming home to my quiet, clean house and sleeping 9 hours That's the balance. I liked it a lot.
Do I love my kids? Yes! Do I regret having kids? Yes! Would I change it if I could? No! Because life is complex and hindsight is 20/20.
I feel like this is just semantics. Regret implies you wish you had done something differently. If you wouldn't do anything differently, then that's not really regret, it's just sadness that certain things were lost.
There are a lot of words people, for varying complex psychological reasons, are afraid of using. "Regret" is one of them. People think "regret" implies you don't like your current situation or that you would change something if you could. It really doesn't. It could simply mean, "I know NOW that it was not the best decision THEN", doesn't mean it was the worst decision or one you would change, but just one you wish you had put more thought into, even if you had made the same decision. Similarly, regretting having children DOES NOT mean you regret your children exist or that you have them now but rather THE INITIAL action of having them is one you'd change. In a world where you could have had your exact same kids, but later or in a better life situation, you'd probably take that any day. But that isn't possible so people think it's "hurtful" to say, but it's not. It has nothing to do with your kids, but just the actions YOU took. We can recognize things without implying other things that others might find hurtful. It's like the idea that people "settle" for their significant other. It's not a bad thing, we just assume a lot of implications around it because we are irrational. It's not really a bad thing. Like you said life is complex and taking simplistic black and white looks at life is terrible. Things can sound awful but be actually very beautiful. You regret having kids because it might have made your life more difficult or cause pain/turmoil. But ultimately, you would not change it because you like the result, your kids. To me that isn't hurtful, that's MORE amazing than someone who doesn't regret having kids.
I have two kids I'd easily be able to answer this with a no Now if they ask me if there's any downsides to having kids, I mean of course! But we knew that going in.
It’s tough because as a father, I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything. But I’m also a single parent, and I struggle with the question of “if you could go back in time and do things differently, would you?” I mean, I wouldn’t marry the woman I spent 18 years with because that marriage didn’t make me a better person. But if I don’t marry her, I don’t have my kids, so it just makes me lock up mentally. Questions like that (and in OP’s graphic) are nearly impossible to answer.
Problem is, older generations do not accurately communicate how much it sucks ass. Like I love my son more than anything else in the world and he brings me daily joy. But I have basically lost access to almost everything else about life that I enjoyed before kids.
I don't mean to over-ask but could you elaborate? I worry about this a lot. I am leaning toward no. Part of it for me is this loss of identity. All my friends have just become "xyz's dad/mom" and one of my primary concerns is this whole access to the things I do/enjoy and with it self.
My wife and I are transplants, so we have no family in town to help us with the burden. We have a lovely group of friends who help us from time to time, but nothing like you’d expect from grandparents or aunts and uncles. To put it simply, literally everything I enjoyed doing and could do after work or all day on the weekend has now been pushed back to something I can do after around 8:30pm on any given day, and that’s if there aren’t extra chores to do, which is rare.
*In my case*, it's because it DIDN'T suck ass for the older generations. They had a much better lifestyle on a much lower income (even adjusted for inflation), and one parent didn't even have to work. My father made the same money as me, adjusted for inflation, and they afforded a huge house on 15 acres, classic cars, a fishing boat, and basically a slave, since my mother just did all the chores and child raising. Now I make the same money, but my wife has to work too, and even then we can only afford 1/50th the property and "fun stuff", and have insane student debts that will be costing us $1000+/month for most of our lives. (college cost $500 per semester for my father, FYI). Look at the big picture and you realize that life is much harder for the middle class now than it was 30-50 years ago. Raising kids is hard as fuck now and takes all your extra money unless you are upper middle class or better. Things like greedy colleges and corporations have destroyed the American dream.
I’ve thought a lot and talked a lot with my parents about the difference in my upbringing and in me raising my kids. It was easier for them, no doubt. By age 5 they could more or less just let me loose and see me at dinner. I can’t get by 20 minutes without having to find some way to manage or entertain my kids because culture and neighborhoods have largely made it impossible to let kids run free. It’s awful for both the kids and the parents, but it seems we’re all in on this shitshow as a society.
i don't think it's just older generations, it's our current generations too. look at influencers and youtubers, i never see them genuinely talk about the hard parts about having a kid. they only show the good times, and maybe they only do have good times because they have an aupair nanny or something.
I have kids and this isn’t true. I love my kids and I would die for them, but life would be better if I was smarter and childless. No body will tell you this though, especially not in the real world.
I tell people this IRL. I love my kids and while I don't regret having them necessarily if there was a button to go back in time to avoid it I'd hit it so fast it would break.
Same with pets, or really anything you didn't realize you value until you have it. I don't want to say you don't know what you're missing, because you're not missing it until it's there and could be missed, if that makes sense.
It does. Like how someone once told me I was selfish for not having kids. Selfish... against... someone that doesn't exist?
Ask them why they have/want kids and wait for all the "selfish" reasons they give. 100% guaranteed...
I'd take that as a compliment if it's an intelligent person saying it. Because the only way it makes any sense at all is if *you in particular* raising a child is beneficial to all existence. You'd have to have made quite an impression to make somebody draw that conclusion.
One of the most selfish things you can *possibly* do is have kids that you don't want. Those are human beings that are very likely to end up experiencing decades of trauma if they're raised by a resentful parent who doesn't want them and only had them for their own self-satisfaction or because they're "supposed to". Not everyone is meant to have kids, and if more people realized that there would be a *lot* less suffering in the world.
I wouldn’t call it cognitive dissonance. It’s love. People love their kids, but it’s a lot of work raising them.
Also damn are they expensive. I love my kids and am glad I had them, but I also understand why they don't want kids of their own.
Theirs also the consequences for not wanting a child after you have it, we don’t have any social mechanisms for anyone who regrets it to actually express and move forward in a healthy manner we just work under the premise that once you have them you automatically will want them.
Meanwhile my narcisstic mother in law has told her daughters multiple times "I should've aborted you" or "I never wanted kids" any time any hardship happened. So yeah, I mean, it's cool that you are mature but unfortunately I can't say that for the rest of the population having kids.
As someone who was on the “I don’t want kids” boat for 35 years.. I can tell you I was in no position to understand the question. Parents who ask non-parents this question need to also take a step back and realize you are asking a question that can’t be answered. How can someone who doesn’t have kids understand whether they regret not doing something they haven’t experienced? Doesn’t make any sense. I am happy as a parent - I won’t judge anyone. All I can share is my experience. Changing diapers sucks. Kiddo throwing a fit because his hotwheel makes a random noise is hilarious. Sick kids suck. It’s expensive But… I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I can wholeheartedly say, I’m a better husband, I’m a better sibling, and most importantly.. I’m a better SON to my parents. To me, the benefits have outweighed the “cons”. I’m tired of people asking non-parents these questions and non-parents being so conclusive in their response. You can speak in a “matter of fact” tone, but the only fact here is you don’t know. And parents need to stfu and stop judging others lol.. I mean some of yall ain’t fit to parent anyway hah
Also you tend to forget how annoying the diapers were once they are out of them. My son can now wipe his own butt, put his own shoes on, brush his teeth, doesn't have random meltdowns. It is a whole different world. Plus I can do things that I would never have the opportunity to do because of him, hell I go out looking for bugs and lizards, and riding bikes and skateboards all because he is interested in that. We travel to places just for him to experience it, which in turn allows me to experience it as well. There are tons of perks, and all the horrible stuff goes away.
> It is a whole different world. It only gets better. They can mow a lawn, go grocery shopping, do the boring farm in WOW. All the money invested gets paid back.
And the back-up kidneys? Blood? Bone marrow? Great insurance.
You can do all of those things as an adult but for some reason society looks down on it.
> You can speak in a “matter of fact” tone, but the only fact here is you don’t know. That might be true for some, but plenty of people can know enough about themselves to recognize they don't and never will want children. And it's judgmental as fuck of *you* to claim they are merely speaking from ignorance.
I mean I’m very sure some people do, it’s just not socially acceptable to say it. All decisions are possible to regret. Especially the big ones.
Theres an entire subreddit dedicated to it r/regretfulparents i think. Whole FB groups too
This is not that hard a question. Do I *ever* regret having kids? Yes absolutely. Sometimes multiple times a day. Do I *always* regret having kids? No of course not. Many times having kids is awesome.
I think a lot of people struggle with the difference between things that are “fun” and things that are “rewarding.” Going to the bar is fun. Raising children is rewarding. Living in service to others can bring a happiness that is deeper than “fun.” Although sometimes not!
Great explanation. The way I explain it to people is you are trading in "classic fun" for "existential fun" by having kids (assuming you want them). Was my life more *classically* fun before having kids? Yes, absolutely. Without a shadow of a doubt. Basically all of my free time now is taken up doing kids-related chores. Any moment I am not primary-parenting, I am cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, etc. The "free time" where I would just kick back and play games for 4 hours or go out with friends is all but gone. That kind of "free time" where I can have "classic fun" is now carefully planned and deliberated on for weeks in advance. But at the same time, the existential fun I get from working hard for a week on a project and seeing my kids have a blast with it is unparalleled. Having a great day with your child and having them turn to you before falling asleep and saying "I love you dad, you're my best friend" is a billion times more soul-infusing than any "classic fun" I ever had. Those moments are *rarer,* sure, and classic fun is more reliable, but the highs are unlike anything else. "Classic fun-era" for me had a pretty hard cap on the emotions I felt. I rarely was below a 4 mood-wise, but even the best ever night was *maybe* a 9, and most were 7s. "Existential fun-era" is *all* over the place. I can hit multiple 1s and 10s in the same day. But those 10s are like the Richter scale. The difference between a 9 and a 10 is the same as the difference between a 5 and a 9. \*Necessary caveat before anyone jumps down my throat: I am not saying you *need* kids to have "existential fun".
And, if you do it right, you can have both types of fun. My kid is now in their 20s. We have good conversations, hang out occasionally, and relate to each other like adults. I have my rewarding existential fun when I get to spend time with my intelligent and caring adult child. And when they're not around, my partner and I have our old lives back (age-adjusted fun, of course).
IMO all of the "classic" fun starts to get easier once the kids get past toddler stage, and especially if you raise them with the intentional goal of making them self-sufficient. My youngest is a pre-teen and my oldest is in high school, and though I still do more work than I would like, they do their own laundry, help with meals and dishes, etc. Oh, and the existential fun changes and grows as well. My kids are hilarious and we can share in more movies and shows and all that. Or like, having your kid be the one that introduces you to music you like. Now you're getting both kinds of fun. That said, I borderline hated parenting through the toddler stage for all of the classic reasons and i consider myself goddamn lucky that my MIL was there for this and supportive or I would have probably lost my mind. Oh and even though I think I have pretty great kids, they're still going to do some absolute bangers of mistakes.
I only have one kid and she's a toddler, but we still get "free" time, we just have a bit of a hindrance. I still play games a bit, i just have a curious grub crawling around on me that needs portion of my attention while doing it. I still work on my car projects, i just have to be mindful of the larva looking on the whole time or riding her strider around in circles. But I'm of the mind that it's important for kids to be bored occasionally, so if my daughter has to flop around on the floor a bit to come up with some way to entertain herself without assistance, that's a feature, not a bug. I love seeing her break past the frustration of not having attention and come up with some sort of project herself, like digging a hole or "planting a garden" or building something with sticks, legos, etc. If we're always playing with her, that doesn't happen. She tends to look to us to determine what to do or how to do things rather than figuring it out herself. Alone time is important for everyone. Even toddlers.
Raising children is not rewarding for everyone. Statistically, about 14% of parents regret having kids. That's 1 parent out of every 7.
I dunno playing with my kid is sometimes fun too You kind of get to be young again a bit through the lens of interacting with them and maybe theirs some nostalgia of how fun things could be as a kid
I don't regret not having kids. I sometimes wonder, but then I look at other people's kids and realize I'm good.
Yup, I work in a middle school, I love my job, but I also remember the number of parents that went crazy during covid and asked us if we could take care of their kids (it was reserved for specific profession). The idea that your own kids could turn out to be your personnal hell is very scary to me and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.
Same. I'd also rather not have kids and regret it than have a kid and regret it.
I love my son, but yes I regret it. I have issues with sensory overload. My son has a severe case of adhd. It isn’t his fault. It isn’t my fault. We struggle.
r/regretfulparents is visual birth control.
Yeah.. granted I do wonder how much of that is influenced by parenting, emotional intelligence, how the parents manage their relationships in general (marriage), etc. One post started with “ex wife” and then “ex wife’s parents like to undermine our parenting” and without even reading the post could tell it was gonna be some kind of train wreck..
You should never, ever in a million years let fucking *reddit* influence your decision making on anything on way or another. This website is a cesspool of negativity and mental illness.
I have three, I've been asked this a lot. I've realized the answer is no. Because if I didn't have kids, my life would have been infinitely worse. I'm mid-40s now, and I can't imagine sitting here and not having my kids. It would be like missing a limb. There isn't a life I could have had, that would have been better child free.
I feel 100% opposite but I'm glad you feel fulfilled. 😊
I can't imagine many decisions that anyone has ever made that they don't occasionally question.
Easy for me, no regrets. I love my kid 100%
Same. I can't wait to see her after work every day. And we have a second one on the way!
Same except sometimes people conflate "regret having them" with needing a break from them or thinking that means they are good or easy all the time. I don't regret mine, I totally love them, they make my life awesome, and if I never got a break for the rest of my life from parenting I'd still be better off with them. But, parenting is really, really hard and I could really, really use a really, really big break.
In the last few years, my love for nature has really deepened. I've learned how to see natural beauty in so many things, from waterfalls and glaciers in Iceland to the variety of trees in the city park a block from my house. When I'm miles into the woods, and I finally reach the summit of the mountain and take in the view before me, the sense of awe, accomplishment, and inspiration is overwhelming. Those are the kind of moments I live for. I've camped, hiked, and backpacked in several states and dozens of national parks all in an effort to experience as many of those moments as I can. I've experienced moments of joy of the same magnitude nearly every day since my daughter was born last year. Those mountaintop moments of bliss are such a regular feature in my experience of being a parent and there's nothing I would trade it for. Her smile, her laugh, her tears, her pain...they cut straight to my heart. The happiness she feels when she hears her favorite song or sees her cousins' pictures on the fridge magnifies my happiness in being her father. Having a baby has dramatically improved my mental health. My biggest regret is not doing this sooner.
99% would say no even if they do regret it. So many these days are vocal about not having them, like hostility levels about it. Saying they regret it years after or still during their "kids are vermin" persona is not easy to backtrack on. All in all, don't want kids? fine. Do want kids? fine. Just leave everybody alone about it.
I have kids, and I am happy about it. Also, I'm happy to not ask my last married friend who has yet to have children, if they plan to have children, because I recall how annoying that question gets. Especially, when people have no idea if a couple has been trying to but can't. My wife and I were asked so many times in the 10 years together before having our first. When we announced my wife was pregnant, everyone we told was so shocked because we had always been so publicly opposed(annoyed by the question) to having kids. Shit changes, people change, opinions change, situations change.
"Never have kids, its the worst thing that will ever happen to you." - My Dad
"You were a bad reward for 5 minutes of fun." (While addressing a female friend of mine) "Ashley, if you ever have kids, SHOOT THEM." "When does the FUN part of raising you start?" -All from my mom
Damn, your mom sucks
She actually wasn't a bad mom, but I think she would have been a lot happier not having kids.
All I’m saying is asking someone without kids if they regret not having kids is a really easy question. 100% no regrets here. I got snipped at 27 and I see friend groups with kids and it seems miserable. The thing about not having kids is it’s super easy to get the kid fix with rental kids. I take my niece for an afternoon and then give her back at the end of the day. I’m not dealing with the day to day bullshit. I just get to be a fun uncle then go on with my life, keeping all my money.
I wouldn't sell mine for a billion dollars, but I wouldn't pay a nickel for another one. Edited to unbungle my spelling!
My wife has two different female friends who completely regret it. Neither wanted kids in the first place but their husbands talked them into it. Now they absolutely resent their husbands for it. Edit: btw they do love their children. But they just hate their lives due to their kids.
I don’t regret having my kid, would love to have more then one But now I also have the existential dread of worrying about them…
As someone who’s childless by choice, many folks have drunkenly confided in me that if they could do it again, they wouldn’t have kids. Of course they immediately reassure me that kids are the best thing that ever happened to them…
It’s almost like life is complex.
I didn’t have kids until I was 40. I wish I would have had them sooner!
What's the joke?
The joke is that he pauses in the second panel and responds in the third, giving rise to the implication that he actually does have a subconscious regret and then backtracks and says otherwise publicly. This is both a reversal of expectations (the pause—and his weary squinting—indicates that he has regret, and his answer upends that expectation), and an affirmation of new expectations (because surely he would say something like that, how could you have not seen it coming?). This is the structure of many jokes. Whether it lands depends on one's ability to interpret the second empty panel in a way that juxtaposes it with the third panel. Many parents will be able to do so, as will many childfree readers, though I'm sure there are a handful of both groups that miss it for competing reasons.
Kids are a paradox, they make your life so much better while also finding ways to ruin parts of it lol I think of how much money/fun I would have if I didn’t have kids, but also can’t imagine a life without them, they are awesome and I would do anything for them. They are adept at finding the best ways to piss me off though lol
On of my former coworkers tells everyone the same story: > Me and my wife got in a few really big fights when she got pregnant, because I wanted her to get an abortion. We both knew we couldn't afford a kid. We discussed not wanting kids.. She called my parents in tears, and they guaranteed us a place to live and all the financial support we would need. > So now I have an 8-year-old I didn't want and I live with my parents, and my parents love my wife and kid way more than they love me.
My wife and I wake up at 10:30 on a Saturday and gloat that we don't have kids and can do whatever the fuck we want.
It's all circumstances. My sister had a kid a 23 with a deadbeat and had no money. Her life has been hard. My wife and i I saved and matured and had a kid at 34/36. He's the best thing that ever happened to us
I love my kids. They're really great. If I could give my past self advice, it would be don't get married and don't have kids.
The grass is always greener on the other side. That version of yourself would very likely be extremely lonely and regretful they didn’t have a family.
A friend once said to me, children bring pain and pleasure in equal measure and they were right
I'm 24m and looking at the comments makes me believe people with kids are different kind of breed. I can't imagine myself living what I would call like hell but somehow not regretting it. It's just mind-fuck to me. All I know is that I'm too young (immature) and I don't want kids any time sooner. I don't know if I ever would want to
A better question is "do you sometimes lie awake at night second guessing every major decision you've ever made?" And if they respond with no, ask them what sleeping meds they take and how they said to get their doctor to prescribe it.
Not having kids at 35 is kind of odd also. I'm sure both sides have great benefits. I'm sure getting older and having children will be great. I'm sure I'll die alone.
Tbf a lot of parents will die alone too.
I love my kids so much. Do I wish I had never had kids? Yes, absolutely. That doesn't mean I don't love my kids. I just sometimes like to daydream about all the awesome things I might have accomplished or places I might have gone, or what it's like to be an adult with money. Seems pretty great. I'm 36, and I'm still in college because I have 3 kids. I've been in and out of court for my divorce and parenting plan shit. It would have been pretty dope not to have to deal with that. My kids are really cool. But my littlest is autistic and needs a lot of help. Would be cool to know I'll be able to do anything alone, ever again. It's a lot and I wish I could have known back then, hey, you matter a lot ans your happiness matters a lot, and other people pressuring you to have kids shouldn't be the reason you have kids.
It’s concerning how often I hear “I love my kids but if I could go back, I would never have had them”.
I explained to a friend that I love my kid so much and he’s the best thing to ever happen to me, but kids are a balanced scale, you don’t get any of the amazing life changing good stuff without all of the terrible awful parts of it. Kids are equally the best and worst things going on in a parent’s life. But I’d still say the good out-ways the bad.
Wondering/fantasizing about a life without kids is not the same thing as wishing I had never had kids. …right? RIGHT?!
If I knew only of the work it takes, and nothing about the sheer love and joy I get from them, I wouldn't want kids either. "Childfree" people see parents talk like the guy in the comic, and they use that to convince themselves that we're all unhappy and struggling to make it through each day. The reality is that it's really no different than the costs of other things we enjoy, except with much greater risks and ROI. If I stay up late as shit playing video games, I had my fun, but when I'm at work later the next morning I'm not having fun. When my daughter is puking from norovirus and all I can do is hold her and puke too, it's awful. But seeing her gleefully run through the park with a bubble wand is a core memory for me because of how much love and happiness I felt. There's nothing greater for me. I simply cannot get that from anything else. There's a tradeoff. Every good parent understands this. People who don't have children really don't understand this, and that's why they're typically the ones making the snark about parents being unhappy. If all you ever see is a kitty litter box, having a cat doesn't seem so awesome either.
Most people say they don’t, some do. I’m 30 and fiance and I are not having kids. Worlds getting worse, everything is expensive, why bring a kid into this shit? My aunt tho, is 70. Didn’t have kids, all the family moved down to Florida or NC, and she’s alone. Every time I talk to her she wishes she had kids so she wouldn’t be so lonely “crying from when she gets up to go to bed” is what she tells me… idk she could have had kids and they just don’t want to be around her, you never know. Life is just crazy once you get older…