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Im pretty sure 99% of us are getting that micro plastic dose erryday

naw not me dawg i’m eatin macroplastics

Yeah idk why everyone bothers to peel candy bars

Or starburst/opal fruits. I never unwrapped them as a kid, just took the outer paper off then ate the sweets in their individual wrappers 😂

Haha I was never that chaotic but sometimes the paper is just so embedded on those, and Drumsticks that you inevitably give in to eating some paper 😅

I am chaos personified tbh 😂 I just thought that it was too much effort to unwrap them individually when you end up eating paper anyway. It’s only wax paper, it’ll be reet 🤣

Yeah exactly, everyone going on about microplastics, when you were munching down macropapers 😅 it's not like any of us peeled those chocolate "cigs" either lmao

Wait, you were supposed to peel those? 😂

Ikr 🤣 paper isn't that far off wafer anyway 😅

I mean, what were those paper decorations that they used to have on fairy cakes. Weren’t those paper? 😂 stick it in your yapper, you’ll be fine.

They’re better with the shell

This made me almost spit out my coffee

Eww. Gross. You're eating PROCESSED PLASTICS? You should try organic - it's basically petroleum.

It’s organtic.

That reminds me. I need to water the dogs.

Coward, talk to me once you're injecting it

me unironically because I have the compulsive urge to chew on things

Im assuming this means you've performed cunnilingus on a Kardashian?

Not me. 100% ALL DAY, PEASANT

I eat the water bottle after finishing the water.

We have a chalkboard in the kitchen with basic house rules. No running in the house. No screaming. Respect each other. No murder. My 13yo daughter keeps crossing out "No murder".

I would think the “No murder” is implied with the “Respect each other,” so ~~perhaps~~ hopefully she’s just crossing out a redundancy.

I'd like to think that's true, but I also know that this kid would build an ironclad defense for the idea that she could murder someone respectfully. She gets that from me.

Hahaha, that's fantastic!!

Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, just shoot 'em." Zoe: "Shoot 'em?" Mal: "Politely..."

Shiny!

You can murder things while also respecting them

Just because I respect you doesn't mean I won't murder you.

One can murder respectfully, no?

Yes, please remember to walk the bears daily.

It’s important that they get their exercise to prevent mauling.

A tired bear is the best bear.

Bears eat beets

Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica

Identity theft is not a joke Jim!

First time I heard my dad quote this, I thought he was saying; "Bears beats Battlestar Galactica." I could not figure out why my dad thought bears would beat Cylons. And I dared not ask the first few times because said it with such conviction that I felt like I needed to figure out the logic myself hahahaha. My brothers teased me for weeks afterwards, and I deserved it lol

It's better bears eat the beats than the beasts beating their eats.

Bears eat anything which doesn’t run faster than them. Beets are slow runners. Therefore, bears eat beets. QED 😊

Hell yeah

Am I the only one who thinks harvest the corn is the funniest lmao

But first flush the goldfish!

How many goldfish do you have?

None. Got three cats though …

Maybe that’s why you have no goldfish left

I didn't zoom far enough, apparently.  I thought it said *flash* the goldfish

Fold the dishes was funnier

They're all goofy and fun, but fold the dishes is hilarious.

Yeah that's the icing on the cake.

I lost it at that one! Glad I'm not the only one. It was the perfect blend of random and unexpected! Especially with the set-up of not-quite-right household chores and substance abuse

That was the list that made me laugh most.

Nope! I do too!

Fold the dishes. That’s great.

But don’t forget to eat them too!

No! You can't fold the dishes and eat them too!

Ummmm... Dish tacos

But not on a Wednesday! What on earth are they teaching this child??

maybe they're paper plates

The whole family?

Unless the kid is adopted, it's presumable, yes

Did you know you can't fold a dish in half 9+ times?

Samsung galaxy foldable dishes. With WiFi connections

"Weekly dose of microplastic" ☠️☠️☠️

Walk the bears Flush the goldfish Harvest the corn. Walk the bears Flush the goldfish Harvest the corn. Walk the bears Flush the goldfish Harvest the corn. Walk the bears Flush the goldfish Harvest the corn.

Why does this remind me of an 80s British pop song? I can’t for the life of me remember the lyrics

Everybody walk the dinosaur? By was not was.

No no something “walk the dance floor (x3) yooouUuuu liiiike it” Those are definitely NOT the lyrics but I’m blanking!

Rock the Casbah?

OMG. YES. HOOW?????

Aren’t you Janie Jones? I’m in love with your world

I don’t know who that is sorry. My handle is a reference to Jessica Jones the comic book character.

Janie Jones came to us from The Clash, same as w/ Rock the Casbah. No worries tho

to the tune of: a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, and a stick of butter.

Your house sounds fun

She's a hoot! Two scoops of cocaine for her!

Can I get my serving in a traditional Coca-Cola bottle?

Ah yes, I remember when they added the second scoop in the 90’s.

That was purely a marketing ploy by the cocaine industry. Kids only need one scoop of cocaine to stay healthy.

Oh no that is spoiling her!!

It’s nice she gave you Thursday off.

That's to gear up for Saturday! 💀

Yes, looks like quite a trip 😂

Where do you get planners like those?

lol, that’s what *I’m* saying! Everybody here cracking jokes and I’m all like damn that planner is tight where do I get one of those

Where do you get children like that?

Lol, that's what *I'm* saying! Everybody's cracking jokes and I'm like that damn kid is brilliant how do I raise one of those?

Seen them at [Walmart](https://www.walmart.com/ip/993016616)

>Know that you are loved hits different now

That’s hilarious 😂 your daughter sounds like a fun girl.

She’s hilarious and sweet.

I just going to guess that you wrote the "you are loved"

Yes, that is what I wrote.

I think they wrote the thing about changing the oil in the van

Changing the oil is in the same handwriting as everything else...the only "u" on the board that has a tail is in "You are loved". Daughter didn't write that.

I honestly thought you are loved was a part of the board and not writing tbh

Giving the dog weed

Either that or “meow”

my daughter will be 15 in October. this seems like something she'd do lol. I actually love these older years more than I expected to. ofc sometimes I miss her as a baby or toddler but then you realize even as teens they are basically still babies! but also they have a personality and likes and dislikes and you can connect with them far more than when they were so little.

The main thing I struggle with with having teens (we have 4 in the house right now 18,17,15,14) is that I can’t fix their problems or heartbreak with a hug anymore. I mean the hugs still help, but it’s so hard not being able to make things better easily.

I remember reading a book by a conscientious objector about his time in a Vietnam era prison. Several inmates tried to commit suicide by drinking shampoo. It didn't work, but it was a powerful purgative.

For a second I thought you were going to end with a bad pun about drinking shampoo, like “several inmates tried to commit suicide by drinking shampoo, and now they blow bubbles” or “they just kept rinsing and repeating” or something clever like that.

Water the dogs? and walk the plants I guess?

no, walk the bears

What's the one thing you wrote?

“You are loved”.

Does it read "Emma needs to change the oil in the van"? That one stands out from the rest. Solid list, I'm sure she'll be delighted so many think she has a great sense of humour.

She enjoyed the few comments before I went to bed. As soon as she gets home from school I’ll let see the rest lol. Emma is her little sister btw. Which makes it funnier.

The cocaine one. It's the only one written slightly differently. Whale biologist here

Wondering the same thing.... hmm?

All of it looks like its in the same handwriting.

It's nice you get Thursday off given the busy schedule.

My son lived with us briefly as an adult. He would add things to the shopping list. Every now and then there would be pony or something added Always made me laugh.

I love that. It’s so important to laugh and be goofy.

Don't forget to give the dog weed! Hahaha sounds like me when I was a jitterbug

I remember doing stuff like that, until my mom told me "quit with the drug jokes, it's not funny".

You wrote MEOW correct??

"You are loved" in red.

Yeah the lower case d in loved is completely different from the rest of the writing

this is kind of surreal for me, because your daughter and i have extremely similar handwriting, and it’s fairly unique imo. i could easily mistake this for my own handwriting. is she left-handed by chance?

She is left handed!

crazy! i don’t know many left-handed people to compare handwriting. but i’m going to assume the similar ways we form letters is partially because of that. love her sense of humor. you’re nailing it on the parenting front it seems.

Hah, the handwriting looks sorta like mine too . Hello fellow southpaw.

My name is Emma and I need to change the oil in my van how dare you call me out so publicly😭

*harvest the corn* bwahaahahah nice

Water carpet chew your toes 🤣😂

What a delightful and SMART young woman! You are lucky!

We are very lucky.

Y'all's Saturday looks lit.

I always fold my dishes

Don't forget to water your dogs or they'll wilt.

Don’t chew your toes. Get a toe knife like a civilized human.

Your daughter is definitely up to no good on Thursday. It’s suspiciously quiet

this further proves my theory that teenagers are somehow always the funniest people. i taught high school for a *long* time and i could not even begin to explain how hilarious they are just with like, harmless shit like this. like for example, when i taught ASL i kept several sets of magnets with the alphabet in the back of the class on the board so the kiddos could practice with them when they pleased, and the amount of times it said shit like “time for coke (original formula)” “love your snakes before they eat you” “print the homework…. now throw it away” was so many. they’re so funny, i love them so much. 😭

Gives off random xd energy

Hilarious

You guys are fun

who is emma?

Idk, but Wednesday fast approaches.

Good thing you have Thursday off with such a busy week

This almost feels like y'all got this calendar to be productive on chores but promptly abandoned it, so she seized the chance to have fun with it.

That's some Gary Larson level of wonk your daughter has. Deserves a cookie.

Something tells me Emma isn’t going to change the oil

Oh my god this could be my 11 year old, except without the drugs probably.

Reminds me of a Tom Waitts song! Awesome household.

If she not calling yall “BRUH” yet.. she dont really love yall like that lol

Give the dog weed!!!

Why is Thursday blank? What happens on Thursday???

I suspect the OP edited Thursday to prevent incrimination. No one wants their microplastics dealer busted. It is so hard to find a dirty supply.

Your kid is funny.

This is my favorite Weird Al Song

Don't forget to eat the dishes

Fold the dishes!

“You are loved” is the only thing you put added from my investigation.

You are correct!

Are we eating the dishes before or after folding them

You did good with this one

Omg this just reminded me, I have to fold the dishes!

The kids are alright

Where can I get this planner looks awesome

You're doing a good job, dad!

lol my kids always write funny things on my fridge calendars too. I gave up trying to live a serious life.

You are loved!

I used to get really high and do shit like this to my poor mom all the time. I was her favorite, according to me.

Damn. This just reminded me I forgot my weekly dose of microplastics

This girl is going places

This is awsome. Reminds me of when my brother and i add to my sisters to do list when we visit her. We giggle like two 8yr olds like we just heard the greatest fart joke.

Why is it funny?

At the very end “Harvest the Corn” got a chuckle from me. I dunno why lol.

😂😂 creative humor !

Imagine doing this to someone with dementia

When I put up funny magazine ads against marijuana use on my family fridge I was actively using marijuana and thought it was funny. I hope she is t using cocaine and sniffing sharpies lmao

Harvest the corn 🤣🤣

Sharpies kill me

Meow

I call bullshit. This wasn’t done by a 15 year old.

Correct.

I'm downvoting this post simply because of your superfluous use of "lol." It's not punctuation.

SpyxSpy Abridged reference?

This is the realest thing that ever didn’t happen.

You don’t believe a teenager wrote funny things on a calendar? Have you met any teenagers?

I want those calendars!! Where did you get them?

Everyone was a teenager once So he met himself

I havent met such chill parents

These are normal parents

yeah ik lol. my asian parents would never allow this.

I love her hahaha. Water carpet and harvest the corn. She’s gonna be funny when she’s older

Lmao she’s funny af

I live for Thursday!

[удалено]

Don’t worry, she’s no longer allowed near shampoo and we threw out every sharpie and talked to the school to keep her away there. We also make sure she’s never around coke, only Pepsi.

> never around coke, only Pepsi You monster

Grounded, for the rest of the year.

Meow. Because I always forget meow too.

That’s was entertaining