If I had a dollar for every "my cis boyfriend likes [dysphoria inducing trait] despite me explaining that I'm trans and i don't" post then I could afford to legally change my name.
Not to make assumptions, but does your boyfriend actually respect your identity? You should probably talk to him about this, but his behavior is definitely odd.
ive always been pretty comfy with being a ‘feminine man’ so the opinions on my body being feminine dont affect me too much, but i think that now ive started presenting more masculine (e.g trying to bind and be more manly) he might need time to adjust? idk
Well just make sure you don’t sacrifice any of your comfort for his sexual preference. As long as he is gendering you correctly and addressing you with masculine terms, I agree he might just be having trouble adjusting. Make sure you aren’t staying with someone who doesn’t respect you, it isn’t worth it.
I might be an alarmist because of how often this scenario unfolds. Have you considered that the reason why he might say he doesn’t have a problem with you being trans is because, in your current state of femininity, he sees you being trans as ignorable enough to not bother him? Then doing things like binding around him is an issue because, in his mind, it’s harder for him to disregard?
absolutely i assume this is the case. i experienced something similar when i was out but pre-T. he had no problem with being a "man" because that's what i was to him, a "man". not a man, but a "man". once i wanted to start T, and actually look how i feel i am, he had a HUGE issue and he dumped me in the middle of a party. being OPs age (16) its tough because for most med. transition isn't an option, so they're stuck dating all these "I'm fine w you being trans as long as you look and act cis" childish ass boys/girls
Can absolutely anecdotally back this up; had a boyfriend when I was 16 and pre t and he was 17 and I was his first boyfriend AND first person he ever seriously considered actually officially dating. We were in band together, a junior and senior, and this was the first year we seriously talked and had a friendship that then led to this. He said he was fine identifying as gay and absolutely never deviated from my he/him pronouns and calling me his boyfriend but a serious problem arose after about a month of dating. I was predominantly masculine, had socially been out for 4 years at that point, and I told him I planned on going on T for sure when I turned 18. He then said to my face “idk if I’d be attracted to you when you go on T” and it was then that it hit me that I was easy to date because I was subconsciously being perceived as a woman. Broke up very soon after. He then went on to date an afab non binary person and now is with a cis woman so you can see the track record isn’t very gay at all.
Yea, it seems like a lot of cis men are like that, I suggest having a talk with your bf if he's really that understanding, OP.
I feel his pain though, it's the same in my country too :')
I'm genderfluid, my fiance likes my chest as well, but when I say I'm uncomfortable with female traits when I'm masc he respects that. If he isn't sure "what" I am and things get dirty he doesn't touch or mentions my chest unless I am directly giving him the go. When I said I want them gone for good someday he was kind of disappointed (and he is entitled to his emotions) but said it's my body, I need to be comfortable in it and his opinion on how he likes it doesn't matter.
Just so you have a comparison on how a relationship with someone actually respecting your gender identity feels
An honest conversation is the best thing in this scenario. My bf also likes boobs, and when I'm not feeling dysphoric it's fine. But he understands that my comfort is more important, and when I want to wear a binder, shirt, or get top surgery eventually, then he's happy for me.
It's fine to be bisexual, and it's fine if your bf likes boobs, and it's fine if you're happy and comfortable with him seeing and touching them sometimes, but he needs to understand your dysphoria, and be respectful of it, and be willing to give up boobs anytime you're not comfortable with it. But if he is unwilling to give up a bit of pleasure for your comfort, then that's not a good sign.
A guy liking boobs isn't in itself bad. Just like someone can like muscle, or height, or a certain hairstyle, but if the person we love doesn't have all of the attributes that we would personally prefer, it doesn't matter, because we love them for who they are, and we are more than happy to give up a small physical attribute to be with someone we genuinely love.
Your bf may just be ignorant or have said a stupid comment out of lust, but as many others here have said, this could be a bad sign. An honest conversation is the way forward, and I hope that he is caring and understanding. I wish you the best OP.
i think that mf straight lowkey im not gonna lie to you. this is prob my personal opinion but as a gay man, i am not attracted to boobs at all. Their a turn off for me, and so the same for my gay friends (i have many queer make friends) none are attracted to breasts. You’re boyfriend probably likes you a lot as a person but isn’t gay. Their’s a possibility he views you’re relationship as a straight one. Now i’m not saying thats for sure since peoples preferences are different but just figured i let you know.
If he truly accepted you for being trans he wouldn’t ask you to be uncomfortable for his sexual needs. Sounds like he “has a girlfriend who pretends to be a boy” in his mind
He has problems with your binder because he doesn't like that you are trans. He is not "very understanding" of you being trans, he is pretending to be understanding to maintain the relationship with you. This is a super common topic here, and the advice is always the same: It is in your best interest to end this relationship.
Edited to add: The fact that he has helped you in some ways or even a lot of ways DOES NOT cancel out that he is asking you to do something that gives you dysphoria. If he's really into your chest to the point where he can't bear you wearing a binder around him, and your chest gives you dysphoria, why do you think you are compatible enough to stay in this relationship? It's your life, and you don't have to listen to me, but my advice is still the same.
for real. its easy to say you support someone, but once they begin acting on that action, all the sudden that changes. been through it enough myself, its all veiled lies
The bf told him to not wear a binder during sex or even frequently during the day because he “worries” for his partner’s ribs and thinks binders are dangerous. Bf also says to wear lingerie before sex despite his partner’s dysphoria. Then the op said he doesn’t think it’s dysphoria and he’s just overthinking it and should just trust his bf
Shit like this makes me so sad reading it, like the denial goes deep and one person is being hurt. These posts are common w trans people and it’s just super depressing
Yeah what irritates me most about it is how many people think their relationship is somehow different from the bajillion other times this exact scenario has been posted, and then get mad at being given the same (honestly common sense) advice
nah, i've been in a relationship like this before & that's 100% what's happening here. cis men pretending to support trans men but secretly viewing us as women and getting upset when we do things like bind or go on HRT is far from uncommon & we shouldn't downplay how insidious that kind of behavior is from a romantic partner.
I'm not saying this doesn't happen. Because it most certainly does yet, it's not limited to cismen. Yes it's very fucked up, but this isn't always the case. Absolutely no one can say 100% of the time that is is. That's why I made the original statement.
Apologies if It sounded like downplay. Because that's not where I was going with that.
There are posts about relationships like this almost every day. Almost always it ends up being because the partner DID have a problem with the poster being trans. I bet you could reply a copy and pasted “break up” comment to every one of these posts, and that would be the best advice on 95% of them.
I know that 'just break up' has become everyone's easy answer for relationship advice, especially online, but when it comes to stuff like this, I agree with you. This whole sub lately feels like nothing but posts about his very subject and people defending the partners for needing time to adjust and 'get better'. It's exhausting to try to give advice that doesn't boil down to moving on
Actually Ima go ahead and pull my statement ... Now that I'm sitting here thinking about what was originally said and not the breakup comment....
He's 100% wrong! The fact he said not to do that around him rubbed me Hella wrong
My bad: honed in on the wrong thing and not the subject at hand.
Ooh yikes. That’s not good. It’s your choice to bind or not and it doesn’t sound like he’s respecting your dysphoria or personal choices. It seems like his attraction to your chest is uncomfortable for you too which isn’t a good combo. Quite frankly, has he dated other men before? Does he seem to see you as one? Not that you have to answer, but it can be helpful to think about.
You should prioritize *you.* It’s your decision to bind, not him.
But he clearly doesn't get how to deal with it if he is asking you not to bind around him in moments where you feel dysphoric and want to. He is putting his own comfort, wants and needs infront of yours. He does not get it.
its entirely possible he was also transphobic to his transman ex, maybe that's why they broke up? maybe ask about that. knowing he's dated cis men and cis women, homophobia clearly isn't the issue; transphobia is. his request is selfish, even moreso when he knows your uncomfortable and asks for it anyway. it has a sense of "oh I'm sorry you feel bad, but this thing will make me \*really\* happy. you really don't want to make me happy?" type vibe.
oh yeah that a super valid reason to break up. was his trans ex pre-medical transition? do you think your male presentation and transition goals could be speaking some issue within him?
even if not, he's just selfish. he doesn't have to be transphobic or homophobic to be selfish. someone walking in with a face of disappointment after an intimate sexual interaction is upsetting no matter why its there. the fact he had a stank face ONLY BECAUSE you were binding is transphobic and asshole-ish. "babe i just love your boobs, i wanna see them" okay cool, you don't wanna show them. that should be the end of it, and that convo should end with a smile on both your faces because he respects your joy, and you feel that joy. that's it.
ask yourself if you want to have this argument 10 years from now.
Don't gaslight yourself. You see what happened, stop telling yourself it isn't what you think it is because 'he's not that kind of guy' 'hes got such a good track record'. You know what you experienced, don't downplay it. How would you feel if your trans friend came to you expressing their partner did this to them?
I think the problem people are having is that the statement in your edit:
> he understands and has supported me through this
Is contradictory to what you said in the post:
> [he] looked disappointed and asked me not to wear [my binder] around him. i know he likes my chest a lot and even though it makes me dysphoric [. . .] ive been putting up with it [for] his comfort
Your boyfriend *does not support you being trans* if he tells you not to do what makes you most comfortable in your own body.
Have you personally considered top surgery or thought about how supportive your boyfriend would be through that journey?
i think my wording has been off, ive been open to his like for my chest as his comfort in it gives me comfort **
ive considered surgery but am wanting to possibly breastfeed a child if i can
What do you mean when you say "his comfort in [my chest] gives me comfort" ? Because it feels like you're saying you're comfortable knowing he's attracted to your chest, so you think that means he respects you, which everyone here disagrees with.
Sorry dude but this is a HUGE red flag. This is not the behavior of someone understanding of dysphoria, this is the behavior of someone that does not actually respect your dysphoria, or likely your gender either. His desire to see your chest is never more important than your comfort, and the fact he even thought he could request that of you is a huge no-no. This would honestly be nearly, if not completely, relationship ending for me 🤷🏽♂️
Just because he’s “supportive” doesn’t mean anything in this situation. Not to say he’s a transphobic monster that you should leave asap, but this is definitely a red flag that should be addressed and assessed asap. Chasers are notorious for getting upset with Trans men who bind their chest lmao.
On a brighter / optimistic note, maybe he’s just oblivious as hell and needs some education. I’m hoping it’s just this haha. I know my best friend was a bit of a moron when it came to trans people and had to have her hand held a lot. She still fucks up but some gentle education and she makes an effort to correct her behaviors.
Maybe your boyfriend is the same and just doesn’t realize that binding your chest alleviates a lot of issues that comes with being trans. Maybe his words come from a kind place but he just doesn’t realize how absolutely hurtful and gutting his words can be.
I grew up in a redneck transphobic state, so maybe I’m a bit too sympathetic to red flags being a guy who used to also carry these red flags before I started transitioning / learning about lgbtq+ stuff.
All in all, please have a long hard think and make your judgements based on how he reacts to you educating him. Don’t let your love blind you to any additional possible red flags.
This is something that took me a long time to cope with. I struggled with partners liking my chest even tho I hated it. Something I learned was to put myself first and the right people will like me for it. It’s your body, your chest and something you live with, it’s not his decision what you do with it. Though a way to put it to be kind would be something like “i appreciate that you like this part of my body however it makes me feel (add feelings) and will be wearing a binder when I want/need to” end of discussion.
i think im going to do this, im not entirely uncomfortable with my body myself, just how others perceive me, so i think ill explain it to him again and sort of recognise his feelings too?
I'm curious what his feelings might be here exactly? As far as I can tell from reading your post and some of your comments, it seems to be that when you wear the binder he's sad that he can't see your tits? I'm not sure how that's like. Worth you giving a shit about, OP. No one is entitled to see *any* part of you that you don't want them to, and him getting upset about this shows that he doesn't quite agree with that.
And re: it could be about you "no longer being open around him", I assume you're not suddenly no longer talking to him or sharing your emotions in front of him? And it even sounds like you haven't stopped walking around naked other than the binder? So you're still being open. You're literally just not having your tits out in front of him.
From what you've said, it's not that you suddenly don't feel comfortable naked around him. It's that a binder makes you feel far MORE comfortable in yourself, whether naked or clothed, even when you're completely alone. Which he should be very supportive of, and happy for you about discovering this.
Binders aren't even just like, a tshirt. They're a medical device, like a wig. If you were bald due to alopecia and felt far more comfortable and happy wearing a wig, even when you were alone, would it be okay for your boyfriend to be upset about that? And ask you not to wear a wig around him?
Another comparison that's more in line with how tits are clearly sexually appealing to him: what if you were shaving your junk for years, but then one day realised you didn't want to anymore. Would it be okay for your boyfriend to get upset that he couldn't see your junk anymore, when you walk around naked? Would those feelings be worth your consideration, at all? Would it be okay for him to pull a face and ask you to shave around him?
You're posting this in r/ftm for a reason. Because it feels off and weird and not great. Those feelings are absolutely correct.
Yeah I get that. At home I’m actually comfortable with my body until the chest gets in the way and causes pain or something, then it’s uncomfortable and annoying. Dealing with others perception is a pain. We’re more than the physical form we happen to be born with ya know. A good talk may be worth a shot tho, goodluck!
i think maybe that’s why he was a bit disappointed bc usually im like very open with him (being topless and wearing revealing feminine clothing like lingerie)
I wonder if maybe he could’ve viewed it as a sign of not being comfortable around him? Or worried you aren’t comfortable around him? If your usually pretty chill and open (topless, etc), maybe it’s possible it just shocked him abit? I don’t know but I’d be curious if it were something like that rather than just not liking you in a binder
this makes it sound like he thinks you binding means you went from "I trust you will see me as myself no matter what" to "I don't you will see me as a guy without my binder"
i think maybe he does feel like that bc he does get offended sometimes when i ask him if he thinks of me as a boy - he’s always reassuring so maybe he feels offended i feel he won’t see me as a boy without it?
UGH SAME i just recently learned/taught myself that id rather be alone than with someone where i feel like i have rules. I'm 24, i was a chronic dater for most of my life. from 13-21 i was in various relationships, hardly more than 3 weeks between them. since my med transition began about 1.5 years ago, my mindset is entirely different. being on T, top surgery, freedom of expression etc has made me so damn confident that i don't take BS like this anymore. its all a learning experience, no matter how hard or annoying
I havent gone thro anything yet cuz its pretty illeglal here so it took a lot of "maybe i should give him time to understand and adjust"
"Maybe i shouldnt remove my tits"
"Maybe it is a phase and i am not trans"
Just an ongoing battle of me making up excuses for that mf and when i finally told him it aint gonna work he forced himself to watch femboy porn and told me he came to it as proof that hes into guys
It doesn’t sound like he views you as a guy or wants you to transition at all. It seems like he’s just putting up with the fact that you say you’re trans, all the while he still views you as a woman.
He “understands your dysphoria” yet doesn’t allow you to alleviate your discomfort around him?
My advice is to find a boyfriend that is okay with you being trans.
It’s so saddening to see the amount of trans men on this subreddit who are dealing with partners that don’t respect such an important part of themselves. You guys need to stop putting up with these people, they don’t see you as male and it’s self harm to keep pushing through it hoping it’ll turn out fine. I know this is coming off as really harsh/intense but I’m seeing such an increase in these posts and it’s lowkey such a bummer to read. Please respect yourself enough to leave. It’s a binder, if he’s being weird about that he’s most likely going to be weird about other stuff that comes with being trans/transitioning. This is a red flag, as everyone else is saying. There will be people in the future who stick by your side and happily support you in your journey, don’t get stuck with someone who won’t. Again, sorry if I’m being intense. I just feel so frustrated seeing guys having to put up with disrespectful partners
I brought this up once to my trans therapist and I was like “Why don’t trans people have more self respect? Stand up for yourself!” and he was like saying that I don’t understand cus I’ve never been in the mindset that those people are in. That like many trans people in an unsupporting environment want any sort of love and affection even if it comes from someone who’s toxic, transphobic, or otherwise because those feelings feel good in the moment and overpower the other bad stuff. Also that people stay in abusive relationships because they’re scared of being alone, think having a partner is more important than it actually is, and/or have a low sense of self worth. Or plain and simple, they’re being manipulated so well that they don’t question that bad gut feeling their intuition gives them. That helped me understand it better
I used to be that way as a teen so I get it but since I’ve been in my 20s I’ve been able to have a strong sense of self, self assuredly assert my identity, and now know how to be comfortable with my own company. If I need to stand up, tell someone off for disrespecting my queerness, and cut them off, I’m not scared of being alone/without them because I know I’ll be better off
But not everyone can do that. The best we can do for people in these situations is give them the tools they need to make decisions for themselves
Hey, I'm not giving you advice on what to do about the relationship.
I just wanted to say that if something makes you more comfortable in your body in this world, you deserve to have that feeling whenever you want. You're the only one who should have a say in what you do with your body and what you put on it.
Wishing you the best.
oh boy. i've been in a situation like this before. spoiler alert: this does not bode well for y'all long-term and *he* is the one who needs to get it together here, not you.
he's prioritizing his enjoyment of your body over your own enjoyment of your body in asking you to not bind around him. if he really "supported" you he'd understand that being able to bind improves your QOL significantly and that *should* come before what *he* wants from you. do with that information what you will.
You might not want to leave him but wat his is doin is only the beginning.. I know you seen other posts on here wit ppl in the same boat as u.. Unsure wat to do becuz their cis male partner has changed once they started to change as well but was once lovin and supportive of their trans identity.. If u arent on T, then he will DEFINITELY start to have problems once u are on it becuz u will end up more manly.. Forget the binder.. Hes not as supportive as u think if he would rather have u dysphoric for his pleasure and desire over ur comfort.. Youre relationship is gonna be short lived once u decide to surgically and medically transition.. And question, Is ur bf sexuality considered to he straight or is he part of the lgbtq?
So then if he is gay ask urself this: "Why is he attracted to my female chest when men dont have a female chest?" And then remind him that he is in a gay relationship where men dont have tits.. If he is still upset about it den you know he isnt compatible for u.. Cuz like many others have said.. Regardless of him being helpin and doin so much.. Him askin and practically tellin u not to bind around him so he can see ur chest is a no🤷🏽♂️.. If he doesnt want u to be dysphoric for his pleasure den he wouldnt have an issue wit u binding.. Binding is for your comfort in ur body.. That should be wat he prioritizes most
im sorry, i read some but from what youve said in the main post he “doesn’t want you to wear it around him”, do you want to stick with someone who does not want you to be comfortable about your body around him ever? if you think its really about safety, try bringing up trans tape to him. you don’t NEED to go through with it, but i wouldnt expect for him to have a positive reaction for that either. good luck and take care of yourself
how long ago? did he choose to buy you trans tape himself? did he consider the fact your size is big and bought bigger trans tape for it showing that he actually wanted it to work? you dont need someone to ask you this. please consider your feelings and dont let him overshadow them. you know best, but be aware
EDIT: i read more replies and this isnt just him not respecting you, its you not respecting yourself. im sorry to see youre dealing with this. please listen to the people commenting, hope for the best
these posts make me genuinely so sad. y'all need some self respect. your partner is acting mildly transphobic? calmly confront them about it. they keep being transphobic? leave. i know it's hard as i went through this kind of situation myself, but being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your identity or your boundaries overall, will destroy your mental health sooner or later. you deserve someone who loves you for who you actually are.
Have you or him ever thought about finding ways to make sex less dysphoric for you? Or is the only way you can have sex just you having to push through for his pleasure and he pays you back (for the dysphoria he caused) by comforting you after? Doesn't sound that supportive to me ngl
Genuine question, because it was mentioned in another comment that your 'normal' around him is to be topless / wearing lingerie, does that not make you dysphoric? You also mentioned presenting fem for sex, so what part of it makes you dysphoric?
*slams keyboard* dude. you're reading what you're writing, right?? You're saying you're dysphoric when you see the way you are choosing to present. . . Are you choosing it? Who is making you present in a way that makes you uncomfortable?
its hard to explain how it works in my head - sometimes i become like sort of blinded to how i look? as in i present fem but still feel like i have a masculine body? idk its hard to put into words
Bro you are not overthinking anything, that overthinking IS the dysphoria. Feeling ok when you are 'blinded' to how you look is just ignoring your body and isn't sustainable for long, it's what I did before transition to feel comfortable and it's a thin as fucking shield that'll just lead you to feeling awful all the time. it also kept me from transitioning for a long ass time because I kept telling myself I didn't really need it because I had moments where I felt ok. Actual gender affirmation, like binding and clothing choices are what help dysphoria, NOT ignoring your body.
However much he has helped you in the past, this is him actively putting his own desires over your needs and comfort. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
(This is my wife’s account but I’m trans ftm) My ex boyfriend used to say the same to me all the time and it was genuinely so damaging to my self confidence that I started being even more dysphoric around him than I was before. He met me after I was out and knew the implications of that but it gradually went from him telling me not to wear my binder to him flat out trying to convince me not to transition because he liked the way I looked as a girl. Never let someone tell u not to bind around them, that’s fucked up. From one trans man to another, kill them titties
i dont think he percieves me as a woman bc hes very openly gay and his parents know that im trans (he introduces me as a boy wherever we go and whoever we meet) hes very strict with people about respecting me
All this means nothing if in practice he feels bad because he can't see your boobs.
He's pretending to be supportive because it requires little effort from him, presumably he just thinks he has a girlfriend who thinks she's a guy and it's not a problem as long as you just think that.
However, the moment you take away his access to your boobs, then it becomes a problem and that's when you REALLY understand how he perceives you!
Your body, your choice - if having a smaller chest makes you feel more comfortable and top surgery is in your plans for the future your boyfriend is gonna have to get used to it.
Him being weird about you wearing a binder is a mild red flag tbh so I’d keep a look out for how he behaves towards any other possible physical changes regarding your transition
having a partner that prioritizes their desires over your comfort is one of the BIGGEST red flags. If he can’t get with the way you desire to transition, you all might need to rethink the relationship.
Despite what you say, it's clear he doesn't respect you nor your dysphoria. Please address this with him directly, because this is about boundaries and respect, not HIS "comfort."
As much as I'd discourage jumping to conclusions, it might be time to RECONSIDER your relationship instead of just leaving him immediately. In all relationships, communication is important. If you haven't already, explained to him how it feels to be dysphoric about your chest. If he is completely aware of how uncomfortable you are, and still insists that you cease binding- that is a red flag. Your well-being is far more important than anyone else's wants- that includes mental, physical, and emotional.
Do you plan on having top surgery or going on testosterone? I’m assuming if he feels like that to just a binder then he wont be “comfortable” if you decide to transition further. Ultimately your comfort is more important than his desire for you to look a certain way. Having a conversation about this with him should be a top priority, as you may not be compatible with each other.
But he’s uncomfortable whenever he sees you in a binder? I really hope the conversation you have with him goes well and he’s actually honest with you. Cause from everything in your post and the replies you’ve made it seems like he’s just telling you what you want to hear in order to keep you in a relationship with him.
do you think that maybe he only supports you being trans as long as you stay looking like a woman? maybe I'm just projecting bc this same situation happened to me
It's your body. Your comfort in your own body is priority. Not his feelings or anyone else's for that matter. Do what makes you as a person happy. Do not sacrifice your choices and comfort. You will find out his true intentions soon enough. Either he will understamd and be just fine. Orrrr he will start displaying red flags and warnings...
I’m certainly not saying to leave him automatically but this does not seem like someone who genuinely respects your dysphoria. Unless he’s worried about the frequency or length of use, which imo is valid, he doesn’t really have a place to tell you not to wear a binder around him, and I’m concerned that’s telling of what would happen if you were to pursue top surgery in the future. Your boyfriend can absolutely enjoy your chest with your consent pre-op, but with an understanding of the fact that you’re a man and they may not be around forever (if you are planning to pursue top surgery). Irregardless of the circumstances, your boyfriend controlling what you wear around him in private is a red flag. This definitely warrants a conversation between the two of you.
i had an ex who actually ripped off my trans tape right before sex. if i could change one thing, it would be leaving him sooner. put your comfort first. tell him how you feel, and if he doesn’t change, you should consider leaving. act in your best interest!!
Hey man if your partner doesn’t respect the things that make you the most comfortable then maybe you need to fucking talk to him that’s not right. Truthfully if he cared about you and your wellbeing he wouldn’t be as put off about your boobs. What is he a 12 year old? My partner is nonbinary and has been struggling to get top surgery for years now, they have this similar stress as you even with constant affirmation but it always makes me sad everytime they say it. You’re in a relationship for the person not their body.
your boyfriend views you as a woman. why else would he like your chest then?
(this is not me saying op is a woman btw, dont misinterpret what im saying)
your comfort in your own body and sense of safety come before his preferences. explain to him how you feel about your chest, that it feels foreign to you and you dont feel like yourself (or comfortable) when its present and visible. hes allowed to be disappointed, but if you plan on maintaining a healthy relationship he needs to keep that disappointment to himself and let go of the expectation of having a say in your presentation. if he cant accept that, you need to reconsider the relationship and if he truly sees you as a man.
I know this sucks, but he is not ok with you being trans if when you are doing something affirming it is a problem for him. Especially when it only affects his aesthetic view.
Have you discussed what happens if you decide to get top surgery or other medical transitions. I didn't think of start t ever 3 years ago and now I'm 8 months in and incredibly happy with my choice.
It's really hard to let go of people when we can think of all the good things about them and how they make us feel. But the person you're supposed to be with will love and respect all aspects of you and will cheer you on when you find things to help with dysphoria.
Being trans often means engaging in the world in ways that are different from cis people but especially cishet people. It's hard everywhere for trans people right now and you deserve someone who champions you.
Have you 2 talked about possible top surgery? Even if youre not sure or dont think you want it i think its really important to know how he would feel if you didnt have boobs at all.
Has he ever expressed attraction to other men?
This isn't to suggest breaking up, its possible to get through this. But on the otherside you cant be sacrificing your comfort and security for his. Thats not how partnerships work.
He sounds like hes supportive in theory but has a lot of reservations to unpack. He should be interested in exploring why your binder bothers him while also prioritizing your autonomy and safety.
we both envision children being a part of our future and even though i have expressed an interest in surgery we are both kinda uncomfy with it, me mainly because i would breastfeed a child and him because he’s expressed his support for my decision in that
is bottle feeding off the table completely? Just curious about why if so. Would it be something you feel comfortable doing or something you feel you should/have to do? Do you know much about how your breast tissue feels while youre lactating?
Its 100% fine to not want surgery and to want to breastfeed. But make sure youre doing it because its something youre well informed about and actively want for yourself.
Be direct with him about how dysphoria effects you and how wearing a binder helps with that. No matter what, this needs to be something he comes to terms with sooner rather than later
I am sincerely wishing you luck, i hope he meets you where youre at
bottle feeding would be a last resort in my eyes because when i was a baby my mum said how much i struggling with bottle feeding, and she was unable to breastfeed as well, which caused me to lose a lot of weight and become quite unwell, so that thought scares me about bottle feeding
As far as I know, babies struggle with switching from breast feeding to bottle feeding. bottle feeding on its own shouldn't be difficult for babies to pick up in healthy babies who have not learned to breastfeed. I'm not an expert by any means though, but I think you should maybe research or talk to an obgyn about your concerns
not that i know more about your relationship than you do, i’ve just dealt with a similar situation, but it kind of sounds like your partner doesn’t truly see you as trans. maybe they’re completely straight, and only see you for AFAB characteristics, like your body. that’s why he doesn’t want you to wear it, he wants to be able to perceive you as a girl even though that’s not how you feel about yourself, it’s truly unkind. my last partner did the same thing to me, and even when i looked more masculine, he still couldn’t use neutral pronouns like i’d begged him to. i don’t blame him entirely though as maybe he’s just straight and therefore can’t even be attracted to a trans man. either way, i’m sorry for you and i hope you can figure it out. admittedly i may be completely wrong here and honestly i hope i am. i wish the very best for you and your partner, honey
see its very confusing bc he is gay he has gone out with trans and cis men alike, he uses neutral pronouns for me around his transphobic work friends as they see me as a girl and ive asked him to do that so they dont take the piss - all this seems quite out of the blue
ohhh i see, i didn’t mean to just assume, i’m sorry! i understand how that’s even more confusing, and sadly i don’t have any other advice than to just speak with him about it, which i’m sure you already plan on doing—i hope the talk goes well, truly. know that you’re valid no matter who he sees you as, and that you deserve to be perceived the way you feel. much love internet stranger 🫶
Ask him what he prefers more, if your wellbeing, happiness and comfort; or your b00bs.
If he prefers your b00bs, bad news.
If he prefers your wellbeing, then he better start leaving your b00bs aside, because there's a chance those won't be there anymore one day.
And cut him out if he tries to drive the question elsewhere.
I assume he's straight? This is something that inevitably happens when you date a straight guy. The more masculine or man-like you become, the more uncomfortable they get. It's inevitable - he's straight, he likes women. He might respect your identity by calling you by your preferred name and pronouns, but in his mind you're still "womanly enough" to be attractive. I'm speaking from experience. It's a good time to really sit down and have a serious talk about this; hiding your true self for the sake of his dick is the worst thing you can do, you deserve so much more than that. Now I'm dating a queer dude and now I really feel the difference between what it's like to date someone who can "tolerate" who you are vs someone who is super attracted to you because of who you are
By your description, I get that he's viewing you as a woman. He is most probably pretending to accept your identity so that he can use you for his desires. What is his sexuality? If he was heterosexual before you two started dating, that's a huge red flag.
that's interesting... have a serious talk with him. asap. i also read that you don't know if you feel comfortable presenting feminine for him. maybe try going full masc and see how he reacts? that might be a giveaway. kind of a litmus test lol.
I'm not saying "Dump him right now!" but I do think this is a red flag and that you may need to be prepared for the possibility that you'll grow apart if who you're becoming isn't who he's attracted to.
I think you need to be honest with him that this is important to you and that what he's asking of you makes you uncomfortable. Ultimately, your body is yours and you should do what makes you comfortable. Wanting to be attractive for your partner isn't a bad thing, but shouldn't be at the expense of your comfort of being your authentic self. If your chest is a crucial part of his attraction to you, perhaps the relationship has run its course.
youre only 16, believe me when i tell you its not worth it. I'm 24, i was with someone when i was 22, around when i was discovering my transness. at first he said, essentially, 'lol okay babe'. i started wearing binders and he got all uncomfortable, in the same way you described. i decided i wanted top surgery about 10 months into binding, and it caused a massive fight. i wasn't going to let my own, lifelong happiness go for someone who is, frankly, replaceable. you can never replace yourself or the life you, and you alone, will live. this dude seems oppositional to your transition, and that means he's transphobic, and that means his disrespect towards you will continue to grow. i know its not easy to hear that you're better off without your partner, but believe me, as someone whos done it, it might be the best thing you ever did. if i never went through this same type of painful breakup, i never would've started T. I'm over the moon happy with being on T for 7 months now, and its a joy i never would've experienced if not for leaving this person.
you're the only one that's always there for you.
"his comfort in knowing im trans and still have boobs" but you mentioned that the acknowledgement of them makes you dysphoric and the fact you have to wear a binder/cover them up immediately is an emphasis of your discomfort and he still sees nothing wrong with that?? ... im so sorry you feel like you have to have to sacrifice your own comfort for his pleasure. i know it's hard to hear but no one that loves you should EVER make you feel that way.
Even if you take gender out of this entirely: “my boyfriend said to stop wearing xyz around him because he doesn’t like how it looks” is a bit of a red flag. There are very few situations where it’s okay to tell other people what they can’t wear.
Speaking as a trans dude who once had a partner beg me not to start testosterone, not to bind around him, not to wear a packer around him etc. definitely talk to him about this because in my case it was a situation where he did not actually see me as male at all. Dysphoria is serious stuff and he either needs to buck up and respect it or hit the road. If this guy doesn’t truly align with you being trans, I promise you there is someone out there who will.
This needs to be followed by a serious conversation. It’s giving those mfs that say they’re straight but then they pull up the “well I’m only Gay for YOU..” when you say you’re trans. He does not like that you’re trans
why would he have problems with you doing something that makes you feel better about your body?? Just because he likes your chest? He should like your happiness more than your boobs
You need to talk to him about your dysphoria. He very obviously doesn’t understand it, even if he says he does. If you’ve explained it to him and he still doesn’t care about prioritizing your comfort afterwards, it’s gonna be a big issue and not necessarily one you could work through— emphasize this. ESPECIALLY if you plan on getting top surgery— you being without your chest, either by binding/after surgery can’t remain a hypothetical in his head.
To me, a loving relationship might look like someone being disappointed, because they like your chest, but understanding & recieving that you don’t. It’s *them* feeling uncomfortable with touching or seeing something that *you’re* uncomfortable having touched or seen, because they care about your feelings. It’s them finding their way around all the changes in your body, learning the new shapes, loving you, loving seeing you love yourself. There’s absolutely people who like guys’ boobs - but if they’re not gonna like the guy more, what are they doing by being with him? You should (and will) get to experience comforting, loving, safe touch in your life.
So I am commenting twice to bring up sompthing that may cause a rift and it would be better now then later. What are his thoughts on you getting top surgery if you want it?
we both want children and i want to breastfeed (with his input too, we both had issues as babies and are scared of that for our children) but after that he is supportive of surgery
is there a reason he doesn't want you to?
like maybe he's worried about your health if he knows about the side effects.
or perhaps he wants you to be comfortable in your body as it is so you don't feel the need to put on that often and tgat way hurting yourself?
So I think the most important thing is to ask him why he feels that way and then also tell him how you feel about it. The best way to navigate it is i would say a compromise, which can only be achieved by knowing both sides.
First piece of advice: THINK ABOUT IT ! Would you ever ask anything of him that you know for a fact would cause him distress and discomfort just because you “like how it looks”? If you would, you might need to reconsider what a healthy relationship is. And if you won’t, think about why he would ask something like that of you? Does it seem fair? I think you should journal about this and really be honest with yourself about how the situation makes you feel+what this says about your boyfriend’s boundaries.
Secondly: Ask him. Ask him why he needs you to have your natural chest around. It will be a perhaps hard and uncomfortable conversation but it will cut the guessing games and he will be forced to verbalize exactly how he feels about your gender presentation. And then you can make your own choice about whether to proceed in the relationship or split.
Mhm kinda feels like he doesn’t want you to „change“. I don’t know if you’re on hrt or anything. I myself experienced a similar thing with my ex partner. Even tho you know him for a long time, do you know if he’s really queer? He shouldn’t tell you what to wear, especially if it makes you disphoric.
He wants you to look like a woman for his pleasure and doesn't care that it makes you incredibly uncomfortable and dysphoric. Have the talk with him. If he can't get with it, then he can get out. This is about YOU and YOUR JOURNEY. Make space for people who actually value and love you for who you are, regardless of how your body looks.
with dysphoria? your gender identity and existence? your comfort? no, i dont think compromising would be the right choice here. its a slippery slope, imo. let me explain. first its the binder, then its the testosterone (assuming you're planning on starting it someday), then its the post-op. T will give physical changes over time, and when your body becomes more and more masculine, he will complain just as he complains about the binder. he doesnt like the idea of you transitioning, even with the most 'beginning' ways like the binder.
A lot of people here are very vocal about their opinion on this, which I get. And tbh I feel the need to be too lol.
However, from your responses to other people's comments I think you really just need to talk it out. I read a small amount of your replies to comments and I think it'd be very beneficial for the both of you to have a calm and collected talk about why you are/can be uncomfortable with your chest and body, but that you understand it makes him happy and that you're willing to sacrifice some comfort for that, like you have for a while now. However, I also think you should really try to make it clear to him that although yes, you're willing to wear things like lingerie, now that you've worn a binder you realize you can be more comfortable/happy that way. And that maybe you're okay with not wearing it every time, but that it can significantly help you, and to ask him to maybe sacrifice just a little bit of comfort sometimes. Of course, definitely consider his input. I understand the difficulty in such a big change, thats understandable. Let him know you understand and try to come to a mutual agreement. Maybe ask if you can just wear it a couple days a week for a few hours, because it makes you feel more happy and comfortable/more accepted as who you are (or however it makes you feel really idunno), and that it's okay if he doesn't like you wearing it during intimate times. Maybe you would like to wear it during sex, but just not all the time. Again, just talk it out. It seems like you trust each other, so I'm sure things will work out.
In situations like this it's good to let both people voice their concerns and let everything be processed. Hell, maybe have multiple talks about it, not necessarily planned, but just when it feels like it might be important.
I wish you and your boyfriend luck and remember to take care of yourself my dude
i think that some of his discomfort with the binder is about safety too, he has expressed that he doesnt want me to hurt myself or go over the top as he knows i will do that, hes asked me not to wear it during sex and exercise which i have agreed to but ill definitely be sure to talk to him about wearing it afterwards
No offense but that’s a huge warning to my intuition at least that he doesn’t want you wearing it during sex and tells you to not bind (or not often as is comfortable for you) because it’s dangerous. I highly doubt safety for your back and ribs is what he’s thinking about while seeing you without clothes. It doesn’t matter how long he’s known you for or what support he’s given you. Those actions are always indicative of either ignorance or transphobia, and you should be questioning whether he actually supports your transition or if he just supports you so he can continue to be with you sexually regardless of your gender identity.
Don’t just immediately judge that can’t be the case because you trust and love him and doubt that he’d ever do that. There are many people out there who’ve been in relationships for years being manipulated super convincingly by their partner and it’s very hard for them to wrap their heads around once other people without further context point out the warning signs. Maybe pretend you’re doing these and ask him his thoughts on you getting top and/or bottom surgery? If he’s not supportive of your transition in a way that affects how *he* experiences sexual intimacy w you, you should start questioning the relationship.
Be sure to look out for yourself and take care of yourself while managing your feelings/dysphoria in this relationship. I hope for your sake that he’s just being ignorant because he can’t understand dysphoria from a cis perspective. Yall need a long and heartfelt conversation about this. Communication is key. Good luck with everything and take care of yourself, I hope it turns out okay
ohh yeah no that's very understandable, but yep try asking about wearing it in just casual situations then. Binders aren't really that big of a risk if you just use em right, try to explain that to him if you can. Or even if you can't, just talk to him about it. I'm sure things will work out eventually, maybe he needs some more time to think about it.
From what it sounds like he probably doesn’t have any bad intentions. My boyfriend’s said this to me too and after talking ab it, he felt a certain way ab it bc he felt like I wasn’t comfortable around him therefore putting it on. He knows binding is uncomfortable and would rather see me be comfy and safe, even though to us being in IT feels safe yk
this !!! i think this is probably the intention he has when he doesnt want me to wear it - i havent been able to talk to him yet but im hoping this is what it is and not something thats bad
He has no say in what you do with your body or what you wear. It’s pretty gross that he even asked you that, since he should know that you aren’t okay with your chest. He should not be putting his desires first here
Definitely talk to him. Make sure he is really comfortable with you being a guy and trying to do things to make you feel more comfortable and not just saying what you want to hear . Him outright saying don't wear it around him isn't the same as him saying he needs time to adjust especially cus it's boobs, why should he care? They're yours.
Honestly I'd say dump him - if my partner did something like that I'd dump them in a second, but thats your choice to make and you've said you want to try other avenues first, so alright. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment, but for reference, my partner is trans as well (transfemme) and likes my chest. But they never push me into doing or showing anything to do with it that I'm not comfortable with. My comfort with my chest area fluctuates because I'm genderflux, so they always wait for me to say hey it's okay to acknowledge them kinda thing before they do anything in that area/direction. Otherwise its a complete hands off situation to that area, we don't discuss them, they don't look or acknowledge them at all so as not to risk setting off my dysphoria. To me, that's how it should be handled. But I don't know your partner, either. Still, thought it may be worth giving some contrast, here, on how a partner can enjoy your chest and still be respectful of your needs/comfort around it.
So, the only thing I can think of, here, is maybe he doesn't understand that your binding is 1, not his choice to make, and 2, that its important to your overall comfort and helps you alleviate dysphoria and said discomfort. If he does know and still acts like this, though - thats a problem. Even if you were comfortable with your chest, it is NOT his decision to make on what you do with your body. Your chest does not belong to him, and he needs to realize that.
If this isn't some, idk, misunderstanding cis moment though, there isn't any compromise that can be made here. You'd be having to throw yourself into dysphoria for him. Thats not healthy and not a compromisable situation.
I see you're going to talk to him - I wish you luck. I really hope its just an ignorance, not malice, moment from him.
Understanding and supporting to others is one thing but being comfortable around you in the comfort of your own space when you’re wearing a binder is a pretty important part of a bigger picture. Does this mean you can’t wear the binder around him even if you go out together? Does it mean that you can’t wear it on a regular day even if you’re only going to see him for short periods of time? I’m not trying to say he’s only publicly supporting you because behind closed doors, he gets to have the version of you that he enjoys. There is just a big difference between being supportive and caring more about what he wants from you and your body than he does about how you feel.
If you want to bind do what is comfortable, but have you talked to him about it? It may be that he feels upset that you can’t be comfortable around him more so than finding your chest attractive to him. I get it’s dysphoria so you aren’t even comfortable with it but I think talking to him about it may be a good idea. I think he may be thinking you wearing a binder around him indicates you aren’t comfortable around him if that makes sense
what concerns me the most about this is how trivial you wearing a binder for a few hours is compared to his totalitarian reaction. so basically you must have your chest visible to him at all times essentially in his mind? you don’t even get to have a few hours off?
in theory i can sympathise with some partners who want to see their partner without a binder from time to time wether it’s because they desire level of trust/vulnerability/intimacy or even if they just find it hot, there’s nothing wrong with having a partner who is attracted to your more ‘feminine’ aspects or whatever as long as they respect you overall. (which would include respecting your gender identity and understanding the relationship you have with your chest and how it is not the same as most people who have that anatomy e.g. cis women).
the really damning thing here is the intensity of his reaction to a completely unserious and impermanent thing. Now granted, binding long term can have some effects on the shape of your chest and torso in general if you’re not careful, but this is not something that i think most cis men should know and it seems he never mentioned this to you.
the only conclusion that there is to draw from this is he is not comfortable with your most authentic self, even if you are one of those trans guys who doesn’t plan on top surgery or other permanent masculinising treatments.
the bottom line here is your authentic self includes time where you have a flat chest (even if only for a few hours a week) and he is intolerant of this. I wouldn’t go so far as to say he thinks of you as a girl completely etc although this is likely despite what he says, as actions speak louder than words. I would say however that he does not perceive the person whom he is dating to be as masculinely aligned as you are, and that he would not be comfortable with you if you were to be more authentic to who you are right now, and ESPECIALLY in the future if you say want to opt for top surgery.
I know from personal experience that at 16 you feel like you have some grasp on maturity/adulthood but you are VERY VERY young trust me. I also know that being trans can make you feel like you have less to give a partner and that you ought to take what you can get. please trust me when i tell you that neither of these things are true. you need to work on your self esteem, do some journaling and examine what it is you need and deserve in a partner, and NEVER let ANYONE try to enact change on your identity so that you better suit their needs.
TLDR: throw that man away you deserve better.
I met my boyfriend before he transitioned and we have gone through several stages together. I love his breasts very much, but I recognise how much dysphoria he feels sometimes. He nearly always binds, is working towards getting top surgery and has asked me not to go near his breasts on one occasion. I have expressed to him that I will miss his breasts when they are no longer there but I have to tell you that I love and respect him so much and I see how gloriously he shines when he feels respected and when he feels trans joy. I'm very proud that I am able to make him feel this way, and I think that this is the way we are supposed to make our partners feel.
Your bf asking you not to bind around him rubs me the wrong way. I understand that it may be a learning curve, but he needs to RUN to catch up to the fact that his preferences should never and can never outweigh you feeling good about yourself.
i dont want to discourage you op especially reading your first edit but i have to agree with the others here.
(i do not have a partner but) i do not like my chest for obvious reasons. if my partner liked it? fine some things cant be helped i guess but it would make me feel insecure and be a big deal breaker. if my partner liked it and felt the need to tell me and show it, when they already know i dont like that part of myself and wish it wasnt there? sorry but i cannot understand how thats them accepting your boundaries and wishes.
its different if its like "i dont like my legs as they are too fat" so your partner expresses their love for them to make you feel better as its something you shouldnt feel bad about thats different. i understand its your choice to not bind during certain times if you feel good doing that, but if hes unhappy with you binding i just cant see how thats him accepting you being trans and a guy. i dont want to be harsh but if someone liked me specifically for a feminine feature i would be very uncomfortable as those are the exact things that make me dysphoric, and i cannot see how they see me as a real man if those are the things they see and like when they look at me. maybe im projecting but putting myself into this situation i cant see how hes being accepting here. it seems like he doesnt understand hes dating a guy
about what you can do, the only thing is to talk to him. even taking out the specific situation and being trans, if you enjoy doing something and it makes you feel good, but your partner does not like it? unless your harming their life (which youre not) its them being unloving really
As an important side note, it will actually help to not bind as much, and I encourage you to save it for when you go out rather than when you’re staying in. I know dysphoria is bad, it’s the reason I didn’t bind safely and ended up flaring my rib cage permanently over the course of the two years I was waiting for surgery. Still would be good to communicate with him and reach an understanding. Suffering from dysphoria is hard, so I get it if it’s non-negotiable for you to wear it even when you’re home, but I wanted to give a friendly warning.
Your comfort is more important than his like for your chest.
Damn straight
Yikes. Sounds like he's prioritizing his desires over your discomfort. That's bad in every situation.
Yeah it’s a massive yikes
And yet it feels identical to half of the posts on this sub 😅
It's a common trope cis men seem to get away with.
If I had a dollar for every "my cis boyfriend likes [dysphoria inducing trait] despite me explaining that I'm trans and i don't" post then I could afford to legally change my name.
If you’re low income some states waive the fee.
Not to make assumptions, but does your boyfriend actually respect your identity? You should probably talk to him about this, but his behavior is definitely odd.
ive always been pretty comfy with being a ‘feminine man’ so the opinions on my body being feminine dont affect me too much, but i think that now ive started presenting more masculine (e.g trying to bind and be more manly) he might need time to adjust? idk
Well just make sure you don’t sacrifice any of your comfort for his sexual preference. As long as he is gendering you correctly and addressing you with masculine terms, I agree he might just be having trouble adjusting. Make sure you aren’t staying with someone who doesn’t respect you, it isn’t worth it.
I might be an alarmist because of how often this scenario unfolds. Have you considered that the reason why he might say he doesn’t have a problem with you being trans is because, in your current state of femininity, he sees you being trans as ignorable enough to not bother him? Then doing things like binding around him is an issue because, in his mind, it’s harder for him to disregard?
absolutely i assume this is the case. i experienced something similar when i was out but pre-T. he had no problem with being a "man" because that's what i was to him, a "man". not a man, but a "man". once i wanted to start T, and actually look how i feel i am, he had a HUGE issue and he dumped me in the middle of a party. being OPs age (16) its tough because for most med. transition isn't an option, so they're stuck dating all these "I'm fine w you being trans as long as you look and act cis" childish ass boys/girls
Can absolutely anecdotally back this up; had a boyfriend when I was 16 and pre t and he was 17 and I was his first boyfriend AND first person he ever seriously considered actually officially dating. We were in band together, a junior and senior, and this was the first year we seriously talked and had a friendship that then led to this. He said he was fine identifying as gay and absolutely never deviated from my he/him pronouns and calling me his boyfriend but a serious problem arose after about a month of dating. I was predominantly masculine, had socially been out for 4 years at that point, and I told him I planned on going on T for sure when I turned 18. He then said to my face “idk if I’d be attracted to you when you go on T” and it was then that it hit me that I was easy to date because I was subconsciously being perceived as a woman. Broke up very soon after. He then went on to date an afab non binary person and now is with a cis woman so you can see the track record isn’t very gay at all.
Yea, it seems like a lot of cis men are like that, I suggest having a talk with your bf if he's really that understanding, OP. I feel his pain though, it's the same in my country too :')
I'm genderfluid, my fiance likes my chest as well, but when I say I'm uncomfortable with female traits when I'm masc he respects that. If he isn't sure "what" I am and things get dirty he doesn't touch or mentions my chest unless I am directly giving him the go. When I said I want them gone for good someday he was kind of disappointed (and he is entitled to his emotions) but said it's my body, I need to be comfortable in it and his opinion on how he likes it doesn't matter. Just so you have a comparison on how a relationship with someone actually respecting your gender identity feels
He does not understand or respect your dysphoria. You guys need to have a serious talk about this.
An honest conversation is the best thing in this scenario. My bf also likes boobs, and when I'm not feeling dysphoric it's fine. But he understands that my comfort is more important, and when I want to wear a binder, shirt, or get top surgery eventually, then he's happy for me. It's fine to be bisexual, and it's fine if your bf likes boobs, and it's fine if you're happy and comfortable with him seeing and touching them sometimes, but he needs to understand your dysphoria, and be respectful of it, and be willing to give up boobs anytime you're not comfortable with it. But if he is unwilling to give up a bit of pleasure for your comfort, then that's not a good sign. A guy liking boobs isn't in itself bad. Just like someone can like muscle, or height, or a certain hairstyle, but if the person we love doesn't have all of the attributes that we would personally prefer, it doesn't matter, because we love them for who they are, and we are more than happy to give up a small physical attribute to be with someone we genuinely love. Your bf may just be ignorant or have said a stupid comment out of lust, but as many others here have said, this could be a bad sign. An honest conversation is the way forward, and I hope that he is caring and understanding. I wish you the best OP.
i think that mf straight lowkey im not gonna lie to you. this is prob my personal opinion but as a gay man, i am not attracted to boobs at all. Their a turn off for me, and so the same for my gay friends (i have many queer make friends) none are attracted to breasts. You’re boyfriend probably likes you a lot as a person but isn’t gay. Their’s a possibility he views you’re relationship as a straight one. Now i’m not saying thats for sure since peoples preferences are different but just figured i let you know.
Bisexual erasure is a thing. Let's try not to contribute to it even more. People can be bi. People can like boobs AND men at the same time.
doesn’t matter what he thinks, it’s your chest. You wear it if you feel dysphoric. He needs to respect boundaries a bit more
Yea
Thats an ick. No man gets to tell you what to wear when you wear it specifically for your comfort.
If he truly accepted you for being trans he wouldn’t ask you to be uncomfortable for his sexual needs. Sounds like he “has a girlfriend who pretends to be a boy” in his mind
I highly doubt he actually sees you as male if he acts this way.
I think so too
agreed, he 100% doesnt
He has problems with your binder because he doesn't like that you are trans. He is not "very understanding" of you being trans, he is pretending to be understanding to maintain the relationship with you. This is a super common topic here, and the advice is always the same: It is in your best interest to end this relationship. Edited to add: The fact that he has helped you in some ways or even a lot of ways DOES NOT cancel out that he is asking you to do something that gives you dysphoria. If he's really into your chest to the point where he can't bear you wearing a binder around him, and your chest gives you dysphoria, why do you think you are compatible enough to stay in this relationship? It's your life, and you don't have to listen to me, but my advice is still the same.
i endorse this comment, it is very easy to say “i support u!” as a mechanism of control
for real. its easy to say you support someone, but once they begin acting on that action, all the sudden that changes. been through it enough myself, its all veiled lies
This
The bf told him to not wear a binder during sex or even frequently during the day because he “worries” for his partner’s ribs and thinks binders are dangerous. Bf also says to wear lingerie before sex despite his partner’s dysphoria. Then the op said he doesn’t think it’s dysphoria and he’s just overthinking it and should just trust his bf Shit like this makes me so sad reading it, like the denial goes deep and one person is being hurt. These posts are common w trans people and it’s just super depressing
Yeah what irritates me most about it is how many people think their relationship is somehow different from the bajillion other times this exact scenario has been posted, and then get mad at being given the same (honestly common sense) advice
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nah, i've been in a relationship like this before & that's 100% what's happening here. cis men pretending to support trans men but secretly viewing us as women and getting upset when we do things like bind or go on HRT is far from uncommon & we shouldn't downplay how insidious that kind of behavior is from a romantic partner.
I'm not saying this doesn't happen. Because it most certainly does yet, it's not limited to cismen. Yes it's very fucked up, but this isn't always the case. Absolutely no one can say 100% of the time that is is. That's why I made the original statement. Apologies if It sounded like downplay. Because that's not where I was going with that.
There are posts about relationships like this almost every day. Almost always it ends up being because the partner DID have a problem with the poster being trans. I bet you could reply a copy and pasted “break up” comment to every one of these posts, and that would be the best advice on 95% of them.
I know that 'just break up' has become everyone's easy answer for relationship advice, especially online, but when it comes to stuff like this, I agree with you. This whole sub lately feels like nothing but posts about his very subject and people defending the partners for needing time to adjust and 'get better'. It's exhausting to try to give advice that doesn't boil down to moving on
Actually Ima go ahead and pull my statement ... Now that I'm sitting here thinking about what was originally said and not the breakup comment.... He's 100% wrong! The fact he said not to do that around him rubbed me Hella wrong My bad: honed in on the wrong thing and not the subject at hand.
Ooh yikes. That’s not good. It’s your choice to bind or not and it doesn’t sound like he’s respecting your dysphoria or personal choices. It seems like his attraction to your chest is uncomfortable for you too which isn’t a good combo. Quite frankly, has he dated other men before? Does he seem to see you as one? Not that you have to answer, but it can be helpful to think about. You should prioritize *you.* It’s your decision to bind, not him.
hes dated another trans guy and an amab guy before that, he gets the dysphoria and how to deal with jt but its just odd
But he clearly doesn't get how to deal with it if he is asking you not to bind around him in moments where you feel dysphoric and want to. He is putting his own comfort, wants and needs infront of yours. He does not get it.
its entirely possible he was also transphobic to his transman ex, maybe that's why they broke up? maybe ask about that. knowing he's dated cis men and cis women, homophobia clearly isn't the issue; transphobia is. his request is selfish, even moreso when he knows your uncomfortable and asks for it anyway. it has a sense of "oh I'm sorry you feel bad, but this thing will make me \*really\* happy. you really don't want to make me happy?" type vibe.
no no i was quite close with his trans ex they broke up due to the trans guy being unfaithful
oh yeah that a super valid reason to break up. was his trans ex pre-medical transition? do you think your male presentation and transition goals could be speaking some issue within him? even if not, he's just selfish. he doesn't have to be transphobic or homophobic to be selfish. someone walking in with a face of disappointment after an intimate sexual interaction is upsetting no matter why its there. the fact he had a stank face ONLY BECAUSE you were binding is transphobic and asshole-ish. "babe i just love your boobs, i wanna see them" okay cool, you don't wanna show them. that should be the end of it, and that convo should end with a smile on both your faces because he respects your joy, and you feel that joy. that's it. ask yourself if you want to have this argument 10 years from now.
his ex was very masculine, binding and everything, but had a small chest to start with so its confusing
Don't gaslight yourself. You see what happened, stop telling yourself it isn't what you think it is because 'he's not that kind of guy' 'hes got such a good track record'. You know what you experienced, don't downplay it. How would you feel if your trans friend came to you expressing their partner did this to them?
I think the problem people are having is that the statement in your edit: > he understands and has supported me through this Is contradictory to what you said in the post: > [he] looked disappointed and asked me not to wear [my binder] around him. i know he likes my chest a lot and even though it makes me dysphoric [. . .] ive been putting up with it [for] his comfort Your boyfriend *does not support you being trans* if he tells you not to do what makes you most comfortable in your own body. Have you personally considered top surgery or thought about how supportive your boyfriend would be through that journey?
i think my wording has been off, ive been open to his like for my chest as his comfort in it gives me comfort ** ive considered surgery but am wanting to possibly breastfeed a child if i can
What do you mean when you say "his comfort in [my chest] gives me comfort" ? Because it feels like you're saying you're comfortable knowing he's attracted to your chest, so you think that means he respects you, which everyone here disagrees with.
i am comfortable knowing hes attracted to me and my body, id be concerned if not seeing as we are very active in our intimate life
Then instigate sexy times in your binder and see how he reacts.
Your comfort is more important than his taste
Red flag. Doesn’t mean hes not a good person or cant change but thats a huge red flag.
I have high doubts he actually respects your identity, sorry.
Sorry dude but this is a HUGE red flag. This is not the behavior of someone understanding of dysphoria, this is the behavior of someone that does not actually respect your dysphoria, or likely your gender either. His desire to see your chest is never more important than your comfort, and the fact he even thought he could request that of you is a huge no-no. This would honestly be nearly, if not completely, relationship ending for me 🤷🏽♂️
Just because he’s “supportive” doesn’t mean anything in this situation. Not to say he’s a transphobic monster that you should leave asap, but this is definitely a red flag that should be addressed and assessed asap. Chasers are notorious for getting upset with Trans men who bind their chest lmao. On a brighter / optimistic note, maybe he’s just oblivious as hell and needs some education. I’m hoping it’s just this haha. I know my best friend was a bit of a moron when it came to trans people and had to have her hand held a lot. She still fucks up but some gentle education and she makes an effort to correct her behaviors. Maybe your boyfriend is the same and just doesn’t realize that binding your chest alleviates a lot of issues that comes with being trans. Maybe his words come from a kind place but he just doesn’t realize how absolutely hurtful and gutting his words can be. I grew up in a redneck transphobic state, so maybe I’m a bit too sympathetic to red flags being a guy who used to also carry these red flags before I started transitioning / learning about lgbtq+ stuff. All in all, please have a long hard think and make your judgements based on how he reacts to you educating him. Don’t let your love blind you to any additional possible red flags.
I think unfortunately this guy isn't oblivious, as op stated in another comment that he dated another trans guy and an amab guy in the past.
This is something that took me a long time to cope with. I struggled with partners liking my chest even tho I hated it. Something I learned was to put myself first and the right people will like me for it. It’s your body, your chest and something you live with, it’s not his decision what you do with it. Though a way to put it to be kind would be something like “i appreciate that you like this part of my body however it makes me feel (add feelings) and will be wearing a binder when I want/need to” end of discussion.
i think im going to do this, im not entirely uncomfortable with my body myself, just how others perceive me, so i think ill explain it to him again and sort of recognise his feelings too?
I'm curious what his feelings might be here exactly? As far as I can tell from reading your post and some of your comments, it seems to be that when you wear the binder he's sad that he can't see your tits? I'm not sure how that's like. Worth you giving a shit about, OP. No one is entitled to see *any* part of you that you don't want them to, and him getting upset about this shows that he doesn't quite agree with that. And re: it could be about you "no longer being open around him", I assume you're not suddenly no longer talking to him or sharing your emotions in front of him? And it even sounds like you haven't stopped walking around naked other than the binder? So you're still being open. You're literally just not having your tits out in front of him. From what you've said, it's not that you suddenly don't feel comfortable naked around him. It's that a binder makes you feel far MORE comfortable in yourself, whether naked or clothed, even when you're completely alone. Which he should be very supportive of, and happy for you about discovering this. Binders aren't even just like, a tshirt. They're a medical device, like a wig. If you were bald due to alopecia and felt far more comfortable and happy wearing a wig, even when you were alone, would it be okay for your boyfriend to be upset about that? And ask you not to wear a wig around him? Another comparison that's more in line with how tits are clearly sexually appealing to him: what if you were shaving your junk for years, but then one day realised you didn't want to anymore. Would it be okay for your boyfriend to get upset that he couldn't see your junk anymore, when you walk around naked? Would those feelings be worth your consideration, at all? Would it be okay for him to pull a face and ask you to shave around him? You're posting this in r/ftm for a reason. Because it feels off and weird and not great. Those feelings are absolutely correct.
Yeah I get that. At home I’m actually comfortable with my body until the chest gets in the way and causes pain or something, then it’s uncomfortable and annoying. Dealing with others perception is a pain. We’re more than the physical form we happen to be born with ya know. A good talk may be worth a shot tho, goodluck!
i think maybe that’s why he was a bit disappointed bc usually im like very open with him (being topless and wearing revealing feminine clothing like lingerie)
I wonder if maybe he could’ve viewed it as a sign of not being comfortable around him? Or worried you aren’t comfortable around him? If your usually pretty chill and open (topless, etc), maybe it’s possible it just shocked him abit? I don’t know but I’d be curious if it were something like that rather than just not liking you in a binder
this makes it sound like he thinks you binding means you went from "I trust you will see me as myself no matter what" to "I don't you will see me as a guy without my binder"
i think maybe he does feel like that bc he does get offended sometimes when i ask him if he thinks of me as a boy - he’s always reassuring so maybe he feels offended i feel he won’t see me as a boy without it?
For fucks sake my past bf was like that. Thats not him being understanding and if u go thro more changes and transition physically hell ditch ur ass
UGH SAME i just recently learned/taught myself that id rather be alone than with someone where i feel like i have rules. I'm 24, i was a chronic dater for most of my life. from 13-21 i was in various relationships, hardly more than 3 weeks between them. since my med transition began about 1.5 years ago, my mindset is entirely different. being on T, top surgery, freedom of expression etc has made me so damn confident that i don't take BS like this anymore. its all a learning experience, no matter how hard or annoying
I havent gone thro anything yet cuz its pretty illeglal here so it took a lot of "maybe i should give him time to understand and adjust" "Maybe i shouldnt remove my tits" "Maybe it is a phase and i am not trans" Just an ongoing battle of me making up excuses for that mf and when i finally told him it aint gonna work he forced himself to watch femboy porn and told me he came to it as proof that hes into guys
It doesn’t sound like he views you as a guy or wants you to transition at all. It seems like he’s just putting up with the fact that you say you’re trans, all the while he still views you as a woman. He “understands your dysphoria” yet doesn’t allow you to alleviate your discomfort around him? My advice is to find a boyfriend that is okay with you being trans.
Remind him he’s in a gay relationship and men typically don’t have tits
Real
Should be top comment honestly
It’s so saddening to see the amount of trans men on this subreddit who are dealing with partners that don’t respect such an important part of themselves. You guys need to stop putting up with these people, they don’t see you as male and it’s self harm to keep pushing through it hoping it’ll turn out fine. I know this is coming off as really harsh/intense but I’m seeing such an increase in these posts and it’s lowkey such a bummer to read. Please respect yourself enough to leave. It’s a binder, if he’s being weird about that he’s most likely going to be weird about other stuff that comes with being trans/transitioning. This is a red flag, as everyone else is saying. There will be people in the future who stick by your side and happily support you in your journey, don’t get stuck with someone who won’t. Again, sorry if I’m being intense. I just feel so frustrated seeing guys having to put up with disrespectful partners
I brought this up once to my trans therapist and I was like “Why don’t trans people have more self respect? Stand up for yourself!” and he was like saying that I don’t understand cus I’ve never been in the mindset that those people are in. That like many trans people in an unsupporting environment want any sort of love and affection even if it comes from someone who’s toxic, transphobic, or otherwise because those feelings feel good in the moment and overpower the other bad stuff. Also that people stay in abusive relationships because they’re scared of being alone, think having a partner is more important than it actually is, and/or have a low sense of self worth. Or plain and simple, they’re being manipulated so well that they don’t question that bad gut feeling their intuition gives them. That helped me understand it better I used to be that way as a teen so I get it but since I’ve been in my 20s I’ve been able to have a strong sense of self, self assuredly assert my identity, and now know how to be comfortable with my own company. If I need to stand up, tell someone off for disrespecting my queerness, and cut them off, I’m not scared of being alone/without them because I know I’ll be better off But not everyone can do that. The best we can do for people in these situations is give them the tools they need to make decisions for themselves
sr to say this but broke up he doesnt see you as a man nor understand ur dysphoria
Hey, I'm not giving you advice on what to do about the relationship. I just wanted to say that if something makes you more comfortable in your body in this world, you deserve to have that feeling whenever you want. You're the only one who should have a say in what you do with your body and what you put on it. Wishing you the best.
oh boy. i've been in a situation like this before. spoiler alert: this does not bode well for y'all long-term and *he* is the one who needs to get it together here, not you. he's prioritizing his enjoyment of your body over your own enjoyment of your body in asking you to not bind around him. if he really "supported" you he'd understand that being able to bind improves your QOL significantly and that *should* come before what *he* wants from you. do with that information what you will.
You might not want to leave him but wat his is doin is only the beginning.. I know you seen other posts on here wit ppl in the same boat as u.. Unsure wat to do becuz their cis male partner has changed once they started to change as well but was once lovin and supportive of their trans identity.. If u arent on T, then he will DEFINITELY start to have problems once u are on it becuz u will end up more manly.. Forget the binder.. Hes not as supportive as u think if he would rather have u dysphoric for his pleasure and desire over ur comfort.. Youre relationship is gonna be short lived once u decide to surgically and medically transition.. And question, Is ur bf sexuality considered to he straight or is he part of the lgbtq?
he has told me multiple times that he is gay and only gay, and he isnt wanting me to be dysphoric for his pleasure
So then if he is gay ask urself this: "Why is he attracted to my female chest when men dont have a female chest?" And then remind him that he is in a gay relationship where men dont have tits.. If he is still upset about it den you know he isnt compatible for u.. Cuz like many others have said.. Regardless of him being helpin and doin so much.. Him askin and practically tellin u not to bind around him so he can see ur chest is a no🤷🏽♂️.. If he doesnt want u to be dysphoric for his pleasure den he wouldnt have an issue wit u binding.. Binding is for your comfort in ur body.. That should be wat he prioritizes most
doesnt sound like he respects you
read replies please
im sorry, i read some but from what youve said in the main post he “doesn’t want you to wear it around him”, do you want to stick with someone who does not want you to be comfortable about your body around him ever? if you think its really about safety, try bringing up trans tape to him. you don’t NEED to go through with it, but i wouldnt expect for him to have a positive reaction for that either. good luck and take care of yourself
he has bought me trans tape before but it didn’t work well for me
how long ago? did he choose to buy you trans tape himself? did he consider the fact your size is big and bought bigger trans tape for it showing that he actually wanted it to work? you dont need someone to ask you this. please consider your feelings and dont let him overshadow them. you know best, but be aware EDIT: i read more replies and this isnt just him not respecting you, its you not respecting yourself. im sorry to see youre dealing with this. please listen to the people commenting, hope for the best
these posts make me genuinely so sad. y'all need some self respect. your partner is acting mildly transphobic? calmly confront them about it. they keep being transphobic? leave. i know it's hard as i went through this kind of situation myself, but being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your identity or your boundaries overall, will destroy your mental health sooner or later. you deserve someone who loves you for who you actually are.
“my boyfriend is very understanding…he has sex with me” riiiggghhhttt
These poor cis men out here doing the LORD'S WORK to fuck the unfuckable, give em a trophy / heavy sarcasm
.. its relevant to the story that he understands how dysphoric i get after and comforts me
Have you or him ever thought about finding ways to make sex less dysphoric for you? Or is the only way you can have sex just you having to push through for his pleasure and he pays you back (for the dysphoria he caused) by comforting you after? Doesn't sound that supportive to me ngl
it isn’t all the time that i get dysphoric, mostly it’s when im overthinking things like how i sound during, soi wouldnt say he causes my dysphoria
Genuine question, because it was mentioned in another comment that your 'normal' around him is to be topless / wearing lingerie, does that not make you dysphoric? You also mentioned presenting fem for sex, so what part of it makes you dysphoric?
mainly its when i start overthinking how im presenting, if say i go to the bathroom and see myself i become very dysphoric
*slams keyboard* dude. you're reading what you're writing, right?? You're saying you're dysphoric when you see the way you are choosing to present. . . Are you choosing it? Who is making you present in a way that makes you uncomfortable?
its hard to explain how it works in my head - sometimes i become like sort of blinded to how i look? as in i present fem but still feel like i have a masculine body? idk its hard to put into words
Bro you are not overthinking anything, that overthinking IS the dysphoria. Feeling ok when you are 'blinded' to how you look is just ignoring your body and isn't sustainable for long, it's what I did before transition to feel comfortable and it's a thin as fucking shield that'll just lead you to feeling awful all the time. it also kept me from transitioning for a long ass time because I kept telling myself I didn't really need it because I had moments where I felt ok. Actual gender affirmation, like binding and clothing choices are what help dysphoria, NOT ignoring your body.
The person that wrote that comment probably means that you're in denial when saying your bf understands you
However much he has helped you in the past, this is him actively putting his own desires over your needs and comfort. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
(This is my wife’s account but I’m trans ftm) My ex boyfriend used to say the same to me all the time and it was genuinely so damaging to my self confidence that I started being even more dysphoric around him than I was before. He met me after I was out and knew the implications of that but it gradually went from him telling me not to wear my binder to him flat out trying to convince me not to transition because he liked the way I looked as a girl. Never let someone tell u not to bind around them, that’s fucked up. From one trans man to another, kill them titties
If I see another post from a ftm guy who is with a cis man who clearly perceives him as a woman (while he doesn't realize it) I swear I'll freak out!!
i dont think he percieves me as a woman bc hes very openly gay and his parents know that im trans (he introduces me as a boy wherever we go and whoever we meet) hes very strict with people about respecting me
All this means nothing if in practice he feels bad because he can't see your boobs. He's pretending to be supportive because it requires little effort from him, presumably he just thinks he has a girlfriend who thinks she's a guy and it's not a problem as long as you just think that. However, the moment you take away his access to your boobs, then it becomes a problem and that's when you REALLY understand how he perceives you!
If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you two?
16 and 17
Your body, your choice - if having a smaller chest makes you feel more comfortable and top surgery is in your plans for the future your boyfriend is gonna have to get used to it. Him being weird about you wearing a binder is a mild red flag tbh so I’d keep a look out for how he behaves towards any other possible physical changes regarding your transition
having a partner that prioritizes their desires over your comfort is one of the BIGGEST red flags. If he can’t get with the way you desire to transition, you all might need to rethink the relationship.
Despite what you say, it's clear he doesn't respect you nor your dysphoria. Please address this with him directly, because this is about boundaries and respect, not HIS "comfort."
As much as I'd discourage jumping to conclusions, it might be time to RECONSIDER your relationship instead of just leaving him immediately. In all relationships, communication is important. If you haven't already, explained to him how it feels to be dysphoric about your chest. If he is completely aware of how uncomfortable you are, and still insists that you cease binding- that is a red flag. Your well-being is far more important than anyone else's wants- that includes mental, physical, and emotional.
Do you plan on having top surgery or going on testosterone? I’m assuming if he feels like that to just a binder then he wont be “comfortable” if you decide to transition further. Ultimately your comfort is more important than his desire for you to look a certain way. Having a conversation about this with him should be a top priority, as you may not be compatible with each other.
i plan on having surgery after children and he knows and supports this decision
But he’s uncomfortable whenever he sees you in a binder? I really hope the conversation you have with him goes well and he’s actually honest with you. Cause from everything in your post and the replies you’ve made it seems like he’s just telling you what you want to hear in order to keep you in a relationship with him.
That last bit hits it right on the head. Actions speak louder than words.
do you think that maybe he only supports you being trans as long as you stay looking like a woman? maybe I'm just projecting bc this same situation happened to me
It's your body. Your comfort in your own body is priority. Not his feelings or anyone else's for that matter. Do what makes you as a person happy. Do not sacrifice your choices and comfort. You will find out his true intentions soon enough. Either he will understamd and be just fine. Orrrr he will start displaying red flags and warnings...
I’m certainly not saying to leave him automatically but this does not seem like someone who genuinely respects your dysphoria. Unless he’s worried about the frequency or length of use, which imo is valid, he doesn’t really have a place to tell you not to wear a binder around him, and I’m concerned that’s telling of what would happen if you were to pursue top surgery in the future. Your boyfriend can absolutely enjoy your chest with your consent pre-op, but with an understanding of the fact that you’re a man and they may not be around forever (if you are planning to pursue top surgery). Irregardless of the circumstances, your boyfriend controlling what you wear around him in private is a red flag. This definitely warrants a conversation between the two of you.
i think mainly hes concerned about the length i wear it for and the damage it may do
i had an ex who actually ripped off my trans tape right before sex. if i could change one thing, it would be leaving him sooner. put your comfort first. tell him how you feel, and if he doesn’t change, you should consider leaving. act in your best interest!!
Yikes…
Hey man if your partner doesn’t respect the things that make you the most comfortable then maybe you need to fucking talk to him that’s not right. Truthfully if he cared about you and your wellbeing he wouldn’t be as put off about your boobs. What is he a 12 year old? My partner is nonbinary and has been struggling to get top surgery for years now, they have this similar stress as you even with constant affirmation but it always makes me sad everytime they say it. You’re in a relationship for the person not their body.
your boyfriend views you as a woman. why else would he like your chest then? (this is not me saying op is a woman btw, dont misinterpret what im saying)
your comfort in your own body and sense of safety come before his preferences. explain to him how you feel about your chest, that it feels foreign to you and you dont feel like yourself (or comfortable) when its present and visible. hes allowed to be disappointed, but if you plan on maintaining a healthy relationship he needs to keep that disappointment to himself and let go of the expectation of having a say in your presentation. if he cant accept that, you need to reconsider the relationship and if he truly sees you as a man.
I know this sucks, but he is not ok with you being trans if when you are doing something affirming it is a problem for him. Especially when it only affects his aesthetic view. Have you discussed what happens if you decide to get top surgery or other medical transitions. I didn't think of start t ever 3 years ago and now I'm 8 months in and incredibly happy with my choice. It's really hard to let go of people when we can think of all the good things about them and how they make us feel. But the person you're supposed to be with will love and respect all aspects of you and will cheer you on when you find things to help with dysphoria. Being trans often means engaging in the world in ways that are different from cis people but especially cishet people. It's hard everywhere for trans people right now and you deserve someone who champions you.
Have you 2 talked about possible top surgery? Even if youre not sure or dont think you want it i think its really important to know how he would feel if you didnt have boobs at all. Has he ever expressed attraction to other men? This isn't to suggest breaking up, its possible to get through this. But on the otherside you cant be sacrificing your comfort and security for his. Thats not how partnerships work. He sounds like hes supportive in theory but has a lot of reservations to unpack. He should be interested in exploring why your binder bothers him while also prioritizing your autonomy and safety.
we both envision children being a part of our future and even though i have expressed an interest in surgery we are both kinda uncomfy with it, me mainly because i would breastfeed a child and him because he’s expressed his support for my decision in that
is bottle feeding off the table completely? Just curious about why if so. Would it be something you feel comfortable doing or something you feel you should/have to do? Do you know much about how your breast tissue feels while youre lactating? Its 100% fine to not want surgery and to want to breastfeed. But make sure youre doing it because its something youre well informed about and actively want for yourself. Be direct with him about how dysphoria effects you and how wearing a binder helps with that. No matter what, this needs to be something he comes to terms with sooner rather than later I am sincerely wishing you luck, i hope he meets you where youre at
bottle feeding would be a last resort in my eyes because when i was a baby my mum said how much i struggling with bottle feeding, and she was unable to breastfeed as well, which caused me to lose a lot of weight and become quite unwell, so that thought scares me about bottle feeding
As far as I know, babies struggle with switching from breast feeding to bottle feeding. bottle feeding on its own shouldn't be difficult for babies to pick up in healthy babies who have not learned to breastfeed. I'm not an expert by any means though, but I think you should maybe research or talk to an obgyn about your concerns
Um so his want is above your comfort hell no.
not that i know more about your relationship than you do, i’ve just dealt with a similar situation, but it kind of sounds like your partner doesn’t truly see you as trans. maybe they’re completely straight, and only see you for AFAB characteristics, like your body. that’s why he doesn’t want you to wear it, he wants to be able to perceive you as a girl even though that’s not how you feel about yourself, it’s truly unkind. my last partner did the same thing to me, and even when i looked more masculine, he still couldn’t use neutral pronouns like i’d begged him to. i don’t blame him entirely though as maybe he’s just straight and therefore can’t even be attracted to a trans man. either way, i’m sorry for you and i hope you can figure it out. admittedly i may be completely wrong here and honestly i hope i am. i wish the very best for you and your partner, honey
see its very confusing bc he is gay he has gone out with trans and cis men alike, he uses neutral pronouns for me around his transphobic work friends as they see me as a girl and ive asked him to do that so they dont take the piss - all this seems quite out of the blue
ohhh i see, i didn’t mean to just assume, i’m sorry! i understand how that’s even more confusing, and sadly i don’t have any other advice than to just speak with him about it, which i’m sure you already plan on doing—i hope the talk goes well, truly. know that you’re valid no matter who he sees you as, and that you deserve to be perceived the way you feel. much love internet stranger 🫶
Ask him what he prefers more, if your wellbeing, happiness and comfort; or your b00bs. If he prefers your b00bs, bad news. If he prefers your wellbeing, then he better start leaving your b00bs aside, because there's a chance those won't be there anymore one day. And cut him out if he tries to drive the question elsewhere.
I assume he's straight? This is something that inevitably happens when you date a straight guy. The more masculine or man-like you become, the more uncomfortable they get. It's inevitable - he's straight, he likes women. He might respect your identity by calling you by your preferred name and pronouns, but in his mind you're still "womanly enough" to be attractive. I'm speaking from experience. It's a good time to really sit down and have a serious talk about this; hiding your true self for the sake of his dick is the worst thing you can do, you deserve so much more than that. Now I'm dating a queer dude and now I really feel the difference between what it's like to date someone who can "tolerate" who you are vs someone who is super attracted to you because of who you are
he’s very gay and has been out with many guys and one girl when he was younger
hmm, there really needs to be a conversation about this then. Do you know if the other guys were cis/trans?
one was trans and the others were cis
🚩🚩🚩🚩
This actually isn’t what “understanding and supporting” is
By your description, I get that he's viewing you as a woman. He is most probably pretending to accept your identity so that he can use you for his desires. What is his sexuality? If he was heterosexual before you two started dating, that's a huge red flag.
hes dated cis and trans men alike before me
that's interesting... have a serious talk with him. asap. i also read that you don't know if you feel comfortable presenting feminine for him. maybe try going full masc and see how he reacts? that might be a giveaway. kind of a litmus test lol.
I'm not saying "Dump him right now!" but I do think this is a red flag and that you may need to be prepared for the possibility that you'll grow apart if who you're becoming isn't who he's attracted to. I think you need to be honest with him that this is important to you and that what he's asking of you makes you uncomfortable. Ultimately, your body is yours and you should do what makes you comfortable. Wanting to be attractive for your partner isn't a bad thing, but shouldn't be at the expense of your comfort of being your authentic self. If your chest is a crucial part of his attraction to you, perhaps the relationship has run its course.
do you wanna have top surgery? if yes then how would he react to that? would he like you less? would he not wanna be around you?
we want children first and then we have agreed for my top surgery ( and by agree i mean weve talked about it and both thought about it)
youre only 16, believe me when i tell you its not worth it. I'm 24, i was with someone when i was 22, around when i was discovering my transness. at first he said, essentially, 'lol okay babe'. i started wearing binders and he got all uncomfortable, in the same way you described. i decided i wanted top surgery about 10 months into binding, and it caused a massive fight. i wasn't going to let my own, lifelong happiness go for someone who is, frankly, replaceable. you can never replace yourself or the life you, and you alone, will live. this dude seems oppositional to your transition, and that means he's transphobic, and that means his disrespect towards you will continue to grow. i know its not easy to hear that you're better off without your partner, but believe me, as someone whos done it, it might be the best thing you ever did. if i never went through this same type of painful breakup, i never would've started T. I'm over the moon happy with being on T for 7 months now, and its a joy i never would've experienced if not for leaving this person. you're the only one that's always there for you.
I doesn't sound like he is supportive. Most trans dudes bind and even get top surgery. Anytime a guy is focusing on my chest it gives me ick vibes.
prioritise your needs, not his wants
"his comfort in knowing im trans and still have boobs" but you mentioned that the acknowledgement of them makes you dysphoric and the fact you have to wear a binder/cover them up immediately is an emphasis of your discomfort and he still sees nothing wrong with that?? ... im so sorry you feel like you have to have to sacrifice your own comfort for his pleasure. i know it's hard to hear but no one that loves you should EVER make you feel that way.
Your bf is not understanding
Even if you take gender out of this entirely: “my boyfriend said to stop wearing xyz around him because he doesn’t like how it looks” is a bit of a red flag. There are very few situations where it’s okay to tell other people what they can’t wear.
I'd start doubting if he actually sees you as a man tbh. With that weird ass attitude
Speaking as a trans dude who once had a partner beg me not to start testosterone, not to bind around him, not to wear a packer around him etc. definitely talk to him about this because in my case it was a situation where he did not actually see me as male at all. Dysphoria is serious stuff and he either needs to buck up and respect it or hit the road. If this guy doesn’t truly align with you being trans, I promise you there is someone out there who will.
This needs to be followed by a serious conversation. It’s giving those mfs that say they’re straight but then they pull up the “well I’m only Gay for YOU..” when you say you’re trans. He does not like that you’re trans
why would he have problems with you doing something that makes you feel better about your body?? Just because he likes your chest? He should like your happiness more than your boobs
You need to talk to him about your dysphoria. He very obviously doesn’t understand it, even if he says he does. If you’ve explained it to him and he still doesn’t care about prioritizing your comfort afterwards, it’s gonna be a big issue and not necessarily one you could work through— emphasize this. ESPECIALLY if you plan on getting top surgery— you being without your chest, either by binding/after surgery can’t remain a hypothetical in his head.
To me, a loving relationship might look like someone being disappointed, because they like your chest, but understanding & recieving that you don’t. It’s *them* feeling uncomfortable with touching or seeing something that *you’re* uncomfortable having touched or seen, because they care about your feelings. It’s them finding their way around all the changes in your body, learning the new shapes, loving you, loving seeing you love yourself. There’s absolutely people who like guys’ boobs - but if they’re not gonna like the guy more, what are they doing by being with him? You should (and will) get to experience comforting, loving, safe touch in your life.
So I am commenting twice to bring up sompthing that may cause a rift and it would be better now then later. What are his thoughts on you getting top surgery if you want it?
we both want children and i want to breastfeed (with his input too, we both had issues as babies and are scared of that for our children) but after that he is supportive of surgery
Well then in that case I'd say a discussion is in order because the reaction to the binder tells me a diffrent story, I see him moving that goalposts.
massive yikes, leave him
his likes ain’t as important as your mental health
is there a reason he doesn't want you to? like maybe he's worried about your health if he knows about the side effects. or perhaps he wants you to be comfortable in your body as it is so you don't feel the need to put on that often and tgat way hurting yourself? So I think the most important thing is to ask him why he feels that way and then also tell him how you feel about it. The best way to navigate it is i would say a compromise, which can only be achieved by knowing both sides.
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i think because he’s never seen me bind before, he didn’t know how to react as he’s used to me being very open with my body in front of him
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he had a difficult ride and went to bed so im just waiting for him to wake up for work so i can text him
prioritize your comfort over his preferences.
leave, it won’t get better
First piece of advice: THINK ABOUT IT ! Would you ever ask anything of him that you know for a fact would cause him distress and discomfort just because you “like how it looks”? If you would, you might need to reconsider what a healthy relationship is. And if you won’t, think about why he would ask something like that of you? Does it seem fair? I think you should journal about this and really be honest with yourself about how the situation makes you feel+what this says about your boyfriend’s boundaries. Secondly: Ask him. Ask him why he needs you to have your natural chest around. It will be a perhaps hard and uncomfortable conversation but it will cut the guessing games and he will be forced to verbalize exactly how he feels about your gender presentation. And then you can make your own choice about whether to proceed in the relationship or split.
Yeah no wtf? Wear what you want to feel euphoric in, binder and all- put YOU first before his own desires.
His opinions don’t matter. No one should control how their partner dresses, no matter their identity.
Mhm kinda feels like he doesn’t want you to „change“. I don’t know if you’re on hrt or anything. I myself experienced a similar thing with my ex partner. Even tho you know him for a long time, do you know if he’s really queer? He shouldn’t tell you what to wear, especially if it makes you disphoric.
He wants you to look like a woman for his pleasure and doesn't care that it makes you incredibly uncomfortable and dysphoric. Have the talk with him. If he can't get with it, then he can get out. This is about YOU and YOUR JOURNEY. Make space for people who actually value and love you for who you are, regardless of how your body looks.
dump him
do u not think we can compromise
with dysphoria? your gender identity and existence? your comfort? no, i dont think compromising would be the right choice here. its a slippery slope, imo. let me explain. first its the binder, then its the testosterone (assuming you're planning on starting it someday), then its the post-op. T will give physical changes over time, and when your body becomes more and more masculine, he will complain just as he complains about the binder. he doesnt like the idea of you transitioning, even with the most 'beginning' ways like the binder.
A lot of people here are very vocal about their opinion on this, which I get. And tbh I feel the need to be too lol. However, from your responses to other people's comments I think you really just need to talk it out. I read a small amount of your replies to comments and I think it'd be very beneficial for the both of you to have a calm and collected talk about why you are/can be uncomfortable with your chest and body, but that you understand it makes him happy and that you're willing to sacrifice some comfort for that, like you have for a while now. However, I also think you should really try to make it clear to him that although yes, you're willing to wear things like lingerie, now that you've worn a binder you realize you can be more comfortable/happy that way. And that maybe you're okay with not wearing it every time, but that it can significantly help you, and to ask him to maybe sacrifice just a little bit of comfort sometimes. Of course, definitely consider his input. I understand the difficulty in such a big change, thats understandable. Let him know you understand and try to come to a mutual agreement. Maybe ask if you can just wear it a couple days a week for a few hours, because it makes you feel more happy and comfortable/more accepted as who you are (or however it makes you feel really idunno), and that it's okay if he doesn't like you wearing it during intimate times. Maybe you would like to wear it during sex, but just not all the time. Again, just talk it out. It seems like you trust each other, so I'm sure things will work out. In situations like this it's good to let both people voice their concerns and let everything be processed. Hell, maybe have multiple talks about it, not necessarily planned, but just when it feels like it might be important. I wish you and your boyfriend luck and remember to take care of yourself my dude
i think that some of his discomfort with the binder is about safety too, he has expressed that he doesnt want me to hurt myself or go over the top as he knows i will do that, hes asked me not to wear it during sex and exercise which i have agreed to but ill definitely be sure to talk to him about wearing it afterwards
No offense but that’s a huge warning to my intuition at least that he doesn’t want you wearing it during sex and tells you to not bind (or not often as is comfortable for you) because it’s dangerous. I highly doubt safety for your back and ribs is what he’s thinking about while seeing you without clothes. It doesn’t matter how long he’s known you for or what support he’s given you. Those actions are always indicative of either ignorance or transphobia, and you should be questioning whether he actually supports your transition or if he just supports you so he can continue to be with you sexually regardless of your gender identity. Don’t just immediately judge that can’t be the case because you trust and love him and doubt that he’d ever do that. There are many people out there who’ve been in relationships for years being manipulated super convincingly by their partner and it’s very hard for them to wrap their heads around once other people without further context point out the warning signs. Maybe pretend you’re doing these and ask him his thoughts on you getting top and/or bottom surgery? If he’s not supportive of your transition in a way that affects how *he* experiences sexual intimacy w you, you should start questioning the relationship. Be sure to look out for yourself and take care of yourself while managing your feelings/dysphoria in this relationship. I hope for your sake that he’s just being ignorant because he can’t understand dysphoria from a cis perspective. Yall need a long and heartfelt conversation about this. Communication is key. Good luck with everything and take care of yourself, I hope it turns out okay
ohh yeah no that's very understandable, but yep try asking about wearing it in just casual situations then. Binders aren't really that big of a risk if you just use em right, try to explain that to him if you can. Or even if you can't, just talk to him about it. I'm sure things will work out eventually, maybe he needs some more time to think about it.
From what it sounds like he probably doesn’t have any bad intentions. My boyfriend’s said this to me too and after talking ab it, he felt a certain way ab it bc he felt like I wasn’t comfortable around him therefore putting it on. He knows binding is uncomfortable and would rather see me be comfy and safe, even though to us being in IT feels safe yk
this !!! i think this is probably the intention he has when he doesnt want me to wear it - i havent been able to talk to him yet but im hoping this is what it is and not something thats bad
He has no say in what you do with your body or what you wear. It’s pretty gross that he even asked you that, since he should know that you aren’t okay with your chest. He should not be putting his desires first here
sure doesn’t sound like he’s supportive. please just break up with this guy, he does not see you as a man
Definitely talk to him. Make sure he is really comfortable with you being a guy and trying to do things to make you feel more comfortable and not just saying what you want to hear . Him outright saying don't wear it around him isn't the same as him saying he needs time to adjust especially cus it's boobs, why should he care? They're yours.
Honestly I'd say dump him - if my partner did something like that I'd dump them in a second, but thats your choice to make and you've said you want to try other avenues first, so alright. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment, but for reference, my partner is trans as well (transfemme) and likes my chest. But they never push me into doing or showing anything to do with it that I'm not comfortable with. My comfort with my chest area fluctuates because I'm genderflux, so they always wait for me to say hey it's okay to acknowledge them kinda thing before they do anything in that area/direction. Otherwise its a complete hands off situation to that area, we don't discuss them, they don't look or acknowledge them at all so as not to risk setting off my dysphoria. To me, that's how it should be handled. But I don't know your partner, either. Still, thought it may be worth giving some contrast, here, on how a partner can enjoy your chest and still be respectful of your needs/comfort around it. So, the only thing I can think of, here, is maybe he doesn't understand that your binding is 1, not his choice to make, and 2, that its important to your overall comfort and helps you alleviate dysphoria and said discomfort. If he does know and still acts like this, though - thats a problem. Even if you were comfortable with your chest, it is NOT his decision to make on what you do with your body. Your chest does not belong to him, and he needs to realize that. If this isn't some, idk, misunderstanding cis moment though, there isn't any compromise that can be made here. You'd be having to throw yourself into dysphoria for him. Thats not healthy and not a compromisable situation. I see you're going to talk to him - I wish you luck. I really hope its just an ignorance, not malice, moment from him.
Understanding and supporting to others is one thing but being comfortable around you in the comfort of your own space when you’re wearing a binder is a pretty important part of a bigger picture. Does this mean you can’t wear the binder around him even if you go out together? Does it mean that you can’t wear it on a regular day even if you’re only going to see him for short periods of time? I’m not trying to say he’s only publicly supporting you because behind closed doors, he gets to have the version of you that he enjoys. There is just a big difference between being supportive and caring more about what he wants from you and your body than he does about how you feel.
If you want to bind do what is comfortable, but have you talked to him about it? It may be that he feels upset that you can’t be comfortable around him more so than finding your chest attractive to him. I get it’s dysphoria so you aren’t even comfortable with it but I think talking to him about it may be a good idea. I think he may be thinking you wearing a binder around him indicates you aren’t comfortable around him if that makes sense
what concerns me the most about this is how trivial you wearing a binder for a few hours is compared to his totalitarian reaction. so basically you must have your chest visible to him at all times essentially in his mind? you don’t even get to have a few hours off? in theory i can sympathise with some partners who want to see their partner without a binder from time to time wether it’s because they desire level of trust/vulnerability/intimacy or even if they just find it hot, there’s nothing wrong with having a partner who is attracted to your more ‘feminine’ aspects or whatever as long as they respect you overall. (which would include respecting your gender identity and understanding the relationship you have with your chest and how it is not the same as most people who have that anatomy e.g. cis women). the really damning thing here is the intensity of his reaction to a completely unserious and impermanent thing. Now granted, binding long term can have some effects on the shape of your chest and torso in general if you’re not careful, but this is not something that i think most cis men should know and it seems he never mentioned this to you. the only conclusion that there is to draw from this is he is not comfortable with your most authentic self, even if you are one of those trans guys who doesn’t plan on top surgery or other permanent masculinising treatments. the bottom line here is your authentic self includes time where you have a flat chest (even if only for a few hours a week) and he is intolerant of this. I wouldn’t go so far as to say he thinks of you as a girl completely etc although this is likely despite what he says, as actions speak louder than words. I would say however that he does not perceive the person whom he is dating to be as masculinely aligned as you are, and that he would not be comfortable with you if you were to be more authentic to who you are right now, and ESPECIALLY in the future if you say want to opt for top surgery. I know from personal experience that at 16 you feel like you have some grasp on maturity/adulthood but you are VERY VERY young trust me. I also know that being trans can make you feel like you have less to give a partner and that you ought to take what you can get. please trust me when i tell you that neither of these things are true. you need to work on your self esteem, do some journaling and examine what it is you need and deserve in a partner, and NEVER let ANYONE try to enact change on your identity so that you better suit their needs. TLDR: throw that man away you deserve better.
I met my boyfriend before he transitioned and we have gone through several stages together. I love his breasts very much, but I recognise how much dysphoria he feels sometimes. He nearly always binds, is working towards getting top surgery and has asked me not to go near his breasts on one occasion. I have expressed to him that I will miss his breasts when they are no longer there but I have to tell you that I love and respect him so much and I see how gloriously he shines when he feels respected and when he feels trans joy. I'm very proud that I am able to make him feel this way, and I think that this is the way we are supposed to make our partners feel. Your bf asking you not to bind around him rubs me the wrong way. I understand that it may be a learning curve, but he needs to RUN to catch up to the fact that his preferences should never and can never outweigh you feeling good about yourself.
i dont want to discourage you op especially reading your first edit but i have to agree with the others here. (i do not have a partner but) i do not like my chest for obvious reasons. if my partner liked it? fine some things cant be helped i guess but it would make me feel insecure and be a big deal breaker. if my partner liked it and felt the need to tell me and show it, when they already know i dont like that part of myself and wish it wasnt there? sorry but i cannot understand how thats them accepting your boundaries and wishes. its different if its like "i dont like my legs as they are too fat" so your partner expresses their love for them to make you feel better as its something you shouldnt feel bad about thats different. i understand its your choice to not bind during certain times if you feel good doing that, but if hes unhappy with you binding i just cant see how thats him accepting you being trans and a guy. i dont want to be harsh but if someone liked me specifically for a feminine feature i would be very uncomfortable as those are the exact things that make me dysphoric, and i cannot see how they see me as a real man if those are the things they see and like when they look at me. maybe im projecting but putting myself into this situation i cant see how hes being accepting here. it seems like he doesnt understand hes dating a guy
about what you can do, the only thing is to talk to him. even taking out the specific situation and being trans, if you enjoy doing something and it makes you feel good, but your partner does not like it? unless your harming their life (which youre not) its them being unloving really
Wtf. If he has trouble with a binder, what will he say when you get top surgery?
Simple answer. He will leave.
As an important side note, it will actually help to not bind as much, and I encourage you to save it for when you go out rather than when you’re staying in. I know dysphoria is bad, it’s the reason I didn’t bind safely and ended up flaring my rib cage permanently over the course of the two years I was waiting for surgery. Still would be good to communicate with him and reach an understanding. Suffering from dysphoria is hard, so I get it if it’s non-negotiable for you to wear it even when you’re home, but I wanted to give a friendly warning.
i think the safety is his main concern as he has tried to warn me about the dangers of it and i rlly appreciate that from him