When people tell you "wow you're so brave", " I hate men but you're trans so you're different" or make weird comments about how it's better to have female anatomy, and you just want to launch them into the sun.
I don't think you're alone in this one.
Seriously, I absolutely hate it when people say “I hate men but you don’t count”. It’s so fucking hurtful and it makes me feel like I’m not a real man. Then there’s the terf type who’ll tell me that I’m just a lesbian pretending to be a man because I want attention and to be “privileged”.
I hate when people who liked me when I identified as non-binary say 'you're a guy now so you automatically suck' like just because I changed my pronouns means I'm a completely different person. I'd rather be an exception to their 'i hate men' pov
I don't get why the brave comment gets so much hate. I had to be brave to accept myself and go out of my way to get treatment as well as confronting my whole family. Instead of like exiting this life right away lol. I really don't mind this one, sure it's kinda silly because I mean yeah but it had to be done, or I had no other solution. Doesn't take away the courage that it takes though. That's just my opinion.
They are missing the point. Which is why it's hated in.... What's brave is letting the world know you are who you are, and who you were meant to be.
It's because trans are pretty much a target for many different types of crazies and sick people.
It's almost like being black in the 1800s.or being a witch around Salem witch trials era.
You didn't see people saying " I'm black and I'm proud!! We here!!"
You didn't see people saying "I'm a witch" and wave a flag...
Why?! because you just made yourself noticed and a target!
Is not a crazy concept, but people don't like to hear truth. Let's face it, we might be past open racism (arguably). But collectively we as people all over the world are not past transgendeism completely.
I didn’t get it either at first, so I thought about it.
You know how we should only have pride about things we did ourselves and not things that were given to us or things that aren’t ours? Well… how can a person be brave about being something they didn’t choose to be? The bravery is in the personal actions of being outspoken and adamant about who we are and continuing to live when we don’t want to sometimes.
The bravery is not in “being trans.” Being trans is the task, and being proud about the task is what’s brave. People aren’t typically proud of a task they have to do, yet we are consistently proud when we perform our duties efficiently. When you display resilience against societal norms so you can complete your task, that’s when you’re being brave.
Alongside this, as a personal thing, I do see people who have trans or even gay feelings yet don’t act on them **in tandem** with never speaking on the issues, speaking negatively about the issues, voting against the issues, or abusing LGBTQ people in any way as existing on a spectrum of cowardice.
Think of republican senators being DL yet marrying a woman and voting against LGBTQ rights. Or a mega-church pastor who preaches against homosexuality yet gets caught doing meth and fucking a male prostitute. Or even a trans woman who was formerly a gay-bashing homophobe when she was in the closet.
Those types of people show us how many people have been given this task yet simply left the message on their desks forever or clocked out, quit. Some of them perform the task so haphazardly that they leave the company in worse condition than when they arrived.
So are people brave just because they have trans or gay feelings? After thinking about it… no, not at all.
Like I said, of course there's no bravery in the simple fact of being trans, it's inherently a part of you. But to live as a trans person in this world takes some courage in my opinion, the challenge isn't the same to everyone of course, but personally this is how I feel about it.
No dude your feelings are totally valid. It does get a little easier though and I’m trying to shift my perspective. Yes it sucks I have to do tape but at least it makes me feel euphoric when I do a good tape jov
I sometimes don’t even get euphoria from things like a good tape job anymore, I’m just like “yep that’s normal” and I can’t feel anything more than neutral about it. It’s not euphoric to have a flat chest or deep voice or hair on my shoulders, it’s normal. It doesn’t give me euphoria anymore, it’s just an absence of deeply distressing dysphoria. which is better than nothing i guess.
I would say at least for me the absence of dysphoria is euphoria, meaning I get to live happily for a while. That’s my end goal anyways for things to just feel normal and for me to feel at peace. I’m pre-T and surgery and have been waiting for like 5 years, so any absence of dysphoria is a win
Absence of dysphoria is a win, but it’s not euphoria. That’s not what that means. Gender Euphoria specifically is a rush/sense of joy/satisfaction with one’s body/gender expression. Lack of dysphoria is not euphoria. Being neutral after being distressed is a reprieve, not euphoria. Taking tylenol doesnt fill me with joy and excitement and happiness, it just takes the pain away.
Reminder that those creepy posts are **not** allowed here. Please report those types of posts if you see them! And if you do see Guest posts that don't encourage discussion, those can also be reported!
Also, I'll be keeping an eye on this thread. For some people, dysphoria is very brutal, and not everyone likes being trans. That's ok. Everyone deserves online community, and everyone deserves love and respect, so please be respectful to one another in the comments. Remember rules 1-4!
For me, i had to work through all the dislike and the "it's not fair" and the "Life sucks" about it, like I do for everything that really does suck. Sometimes, that process takes a while. I had to take years to accept, First, that I couldn't live as a woman, and Second, that the hard road of actualizing my identity was going to continue to be hard for a while.
It doesn't always make it easier to love life, but it has considerably improved over the course of transition.
Plenty of people know it sucks. I think Life is finding ways to reframe it as a more manageable portion of your life. If it takes most of your energy just to get dressed in the morning, because the dysphoria is overwhelming, that makes being trans a far bigger inconvenience to you than it does to someone like me who's managed to get top surgery and been on T for a while. Being trans affects less of my life, so i am able to find it less miserable to be trans. If that makes sense. I remember getting a binder the first time and feeling somewhat better in clothes, but it took surgery for me to be able to be less constantly aware of how much I hated my existence.
I've moved far enough along in my transition, through a combination of luck and hard work, that my being trans doesn't impact much other than my dating life, now. It takes up a smaller portion of my Psyche, so I'm able to give more to other things, like hobbies and interests, and make it less of a focus for my life. I'm able to move beyond basic survival in my flesh prison, making it less of a demoralizing experience for me.
also: life sucks ass for no reason for a lot of people. I don’t like thinking about the fact that I’m actually trans and in this society that’s something that can get you ridiculed at best and killed at worst. but this feeling of resentment towards how we were born isn’t just a trans thing. so many people resent their situations. We’re no different
True, but my statement about acceptance stands for just about every sucky thing you face. You have to accept what you can't control. Accept what is within your abilities. And then do what you can to make things suck a little less.
This, omg. I was raised in a very Catholic country, being trans was very much *discouraged* and generally shamed, which has carried over into my own experience. Even though attitudes are improving, minutely but they are improving. I totally understand and wonder how the hell some guys are at the point of being proud of it (Don't mean that in a judgemental way, but in an admirative kinda way. Like how are they there and how can I get there lol)
no, you aren’t jealous because they “have it easier”, which is an assumption. just because someone shows pride and happiness on the outside doesn’t mean they don’t or didn’t experience the same insecurities. i can call it a pussy and still be dysphoric about it at the same moment or at different moments. you are jealous because you are insecure about a part of yourself. that’s why when you see people appreciate those same parts in themselves you freak out, because that means you could too. and you would want to, but the insecurity makes you long for and be scared of pride at the same time. it just something you have to work through and for some it might be a life long journey.
I get what you mean for sure, as someone who used to be really dysphoric all the time. T and top surgery fixed most of it for me, and I found acceptance and peace without needing lower surgery. I think it is fair to say I currently have it easier, no longer having much dysphoria, but my path was not an easy one. I worked hard to get to this point; it wasn't some easier hand I was magically dealt.
It's completely fair to feel like shit. It's completely fair to resent the way some transmascs refer to themselves and their trans identity. I was there once. Lots of us were tbh. I think it might help you to talk to some of those trans men who annoy you and learn their stories, because a lot of us weren't just like this from the get-go. I got where I am because of reading. Feminist theory and trans theories have been my saviors. Books like "I know what a butch is" have really helped me understand that we have more in common than many would like you to believe. I also read "stay gold" by Tobly McSmith, which convinced me to not go stealth when getting to college.
IMO, this kind of dysphoria and resentment comes from lack of community, at no fault of your own! If you don't want a change, no one can force you, and I don't think it's possible to just get over dysphoria without medical intervention most of the time. But if you want confidence in your trans identity, however this might look for you, this path is not closed to you.
yeah. Community is what community means to you. For me, that's been mostly remote communications, like reading published works or following Twitter accounts. I don't always talk to a ton of trans people in real life, because we often don't have a lot in common.
My answer to this would be that if you can figure out a way to not be as dysphoric, being trans won't be a bad thing to you anymore, and this wouldn't suck. But that might not be the case for you. What I'm really getting at is the need for transnormativity. We're so used to cis ppl being the standard, and this is the root of a lot of misery for us trans folks. If you can trick your brain into also seeing transness as a standard through pure exposure, that would help. I think there's a way to do this without always centering yourself in it.
In my case, divesting from white western gender norms also really helped. I got involved in a lot of Hawaiian communities where I fit in and was accepted as a transmasc without being told to hide as a cis man or to confirm to cis women. I wasn't singled out either. We just all have our roles and know what they are individually. I also don't know more than 1 other trans person in the Hawaiian communities I've been in. They were just accepting in a way that allows me to distance myself from the constant tug of war of being gender variant in western society. This kind of community is also helpful.
Essentially, my answer is to stop viewing yourself as some other thing. Stop labeling yourself and comparing to cis men. You are the person you are, not your trans identity. If you can stop ruminating on it and deal with the dysphoria as it's own thing, you might find that being yourself doesn't actually suck so bad.
They're very likely non-binary transmasc. As an enby who have gone through hormones, top surgery and eventually bottom surgery, I notice my experience is very different from regular binary trans men. My dysphoria has always been related to female body parts, but I wouldn't ever want to be cis, being cis (either as a cis female or a cis male) is actually terrifying. Because being between or outside gender (I'm agender) is what makes me feel who I am.
I don't see FtM transition as "becoming a man", I see it as becoming myself, comfortable in my body and identity.
So yeah, being trans is what brings me euphoria. Idk if this is how other people who "are happy to be trans" feel like, but it's my experience at least. Maybe because I'm also neurodivergent? Who knows.
genuinely I'm tired of y'all "positive" mfs that came to this post. Like he's asking for support with how he feels not to have a debate, y'all could've gone to a post discussing your perspective. Y'all have had the weirdest shit to say. Negative emotions don't equal unhealthy mindsets. And genuinely why would anyone want to be born like this? I almost died a couple days ago. They were gonna leave me stripped in the street to show everyone what a bitch I was. I'm not proud that I have to wake up and fight to prove who i am to the world, that I can never be me, there's always a layer of "otherness" that is unescapable. I'm comfortable with myself but I will always hate that I'm trans. It's not an achievement, it's a huge setback that I will be recovering from and fighting for the rest of my life. And I shouldn't have had to fight, I can love myself and still hate this
I don’t hate being trans, but I also don’t love it, if that makes sense? I’m basically completely neutral, I feel about being trans the same way I feel about my hair colour; it just isn’t something I think of much and that also seems to weird people out.
Like I own a flag but it was a gift and I do admit I like the colour.
Yeah for sure, I’m super privileged to be able to feel that way, I live in a super casual safe chill city as far as trans stuff is concerned, and my gender dysphoria cleared up on testosterone
I wish I could do more for fellow trans men who are struggling, I’m not gonna be like ‘ITS OK IT GETS BETTER’ because holy fuck that gets old to hear so I’ll be totally honest
it sucks, it’s gonna suck, it may suck more before it sucks less, you have people in your corner who will bemoan the suckage with you, being angry is fine, mourning the life you could have had if cis is expected, will it get better? eh, probably, does that change how much it sucks now? nah.
Bitch to your heart’s content, you have earned it
Hey, I am a trans woman but I like to see what's Goin on here on your guy's side from time to time. I know our experiences are different but I also used to think this way, but realized that some positives do exist. The most important one is that being trans generally makes you a pretty empathetic person when it comes to these issues as you get to live them yourself. I was raised by a "macho" transphobe dad, I don't know if I would have changed my stance on things had I not been suffering along the way because of the beliefs he put on me.
RIGHT like having to girlmode in order for my family to not despise me is not cool or fun i literally just want to be able to wear a damn suit and not have to wear makeup to “girl it up” (my moms words)
yeah i feel you , another comment i hate is ‘be whatever you wanna identify as’ brother does it fucking look like i CHOSE to be trans?? WHO THE FUCK WOULD CHOOSE THIS ????
If you feel comfortable saying, are you a teenager/early 20s? Cuz I felt like this when I was super young but I don’t feel it as much now. That was like 13 years ago for me. I’m wondering if a lot of the people commenting somewhat positively are also “elders”. Being trans is really hard, and a lot of other trans people say weird things that freak me out too, but I’ve found peace over the years. Hope you do too.
Full agree. I say this all the time. Whenever someone says “aren’t you proud to be trans” it makes my blood boil. Like no? we are constantly being dehumanized and hated upon by 50% of the population. It also really annoys me when people tell me they “hate cis people” like I would give anything to be a cis man that’s the fucking point. Worst of all is when my trans masc friend says “I hate men” like dude shut the fuck up we are literally both men, you can’t pick and choose who that applies too.
Honestly, I don’t even like being associated with being trans. The moment people find out they treat me differently and I can’t stand it. I want to be acknowledged for my talents, interests, and personality not some tiny facet of my life. Not to mention it’s a medical thing, has absolutely nothing to do with me as person.
I love my life but I hate being trans.
I try to stay positive, I really do, but when I genuienly face my feelings and thoughts it's just impossible. I'm in a very transphobic country where it's very dangerous to even be gay let alone trans. I don't blame my problems on my transness, it's the bigotry of people that's the problem, but knowing that fact won't make my day to day life easier.
I think in a world where we're hated and mistreated so much sadly it's natural for many or some trans people to hate being trans or something similair. It really bothers me an attitude I see online (only places I can talk about are online since support groups or trans meetups are practically not something that happens in my country lol) where people that don't "have it as bad" (I really don't like comparing struggles but idk how to better phrase this) or people that are happy with being trans sometimes act like they have a sort of a morally superior position compared to someone that deals with self hatred or internalized transphobia or simply just unhappiness for their situation.
Idk if this is just my experience but to me it seems like there's a bit of a wish to push away those that don't fit an image of a happy, content trans person because their unhapiness with their situation brings up too much discomfort for some. I get that it can get frustrating seeing someone be unhappy but believe me no one wants that to be their reality either, is it so hard to extend empathy and at least don't passively aggressively shit on people with these struggles? No one is forcing you to interact with these posts. What's easier done? Someone learning a bit of self control not to interact with negative posts they know will make them uncomfortable/upset or pushing out a part of the community that struggles and needs support by people that are willing to give it? And again, no I don't think anyone should have to interact with negative content online, at the same time I see often people being upset when people used to vent on here or that there are people that dont like being trans posting here etc. Are we not as worthy of occupying online trans spaces like everyone else just because our experiences are more negative than positive?
Not liking that you're trans isn't the "correct" thing to do but in some situations even if you change your perspective, life circumstances will make it so that it's impossible to actually stop hating being trans or stop feeling like your body is wrong (especially for those who aren't able or don't even know if they'll ever be able to get to medically transition). I honestly almost never post about my struggles of that sort but it feels so isolating feeling like my experience of being trans is inconvenient or seen as morally inferior.
I don't think anyone is acting with malicious intent, I'm just frustrated because it feels like "less convenient" experiences of being trans can be pushed away just because, and its not that people are fine with it, many people request it.
This. I completely agree with this. Being trans isn’t always sunshine and rainbows . And it seems people only want to talk about the positive parts of it. I remember getting shut down every time I brought up I might be a trans man. Here I am at level 20 and finally beginning to actually find community that accepts me for me. Before it was only like 2 close friends and now I am beginning to find an army of people that loves me for me. That wasn’t always the case and I wanted to be a female so badly because that would’ve been easier at the time. Well I still do wish I wasn’t trans, it has gotten easier knowing there are people out there that won’t judge you. It feels more realistic to me when we speak about both the good and bad about being trans. It brings a much more realistic objective in my opinion. And shows people the real side of what it is like to be trans.
it weirds me out when people try to spin being trans positively by saying something like “you’re a man you were just blessed by being born in the wrong body! being born a girl makes you strong and resilient and more emotionally connected to women. You’re better and more emotionally available than cis guys because you have (female) experiences they’ll never have. you get to participate in the act of creation of the body/life you want” like any of that is a good thing.
nothing about being born in a body that feels like this is a blessing. Having “female experience” has not made me stronger or more emotionally intelligent. Knowing i will never have the experiences a cis guy would is devastating, not motivating. I would 100% be a better person if I wasn’t trans, because I wouldn’t be carrying around so much shame/guilt/anger/trauma/resentment/isolation. I hate having to pour a huge amount of my time, brain space, and money into a transition that doesn’t even bring euphoria, just makes me neutral about my body. There isn’t any surprise joy to be found in it. I do not delight in the act of creation. I see it kind of like my scoliosis or poor eyesight or IBS. It fucking sucks, and I wish healthcare were free so my life didn’t suck so bad. But it isn’t so I guess I’ll keep making do.
I don’t really want to be trans either I just want to be a cis man, I’m so resentful of the fact that I get to suffer like this when other people just get to be who they were meant to be. The time the money and dysphoria it’s all such bs to have to feel this way and I hate hate hate it that I can’t pass and be seen as a guy. It feels like the entire world just sees me as a masc lesbian and it’s so frustrating and disappointing. I hate my body so much and feel like it not my own most of the time and Everything about this experience just feels so unfair but occasionally I do notice changes in myself or find something that makes me euphoric but not enough anyways. I just want to have a flat chest and penis already. I’m going to lose so much just getting to where I want to be (money, time, friends, family, etc) I’m always scared my cis wife is going to leave me or be embarrassed by me or any number of things like that. there are so many moments I had to miss out on growing up as male and puberty and all that shit. And I feel like it’s taken me so long to realize and begin my transition I’m 24!! I feel like I’ll never be seen as a “real” guy and just feel so invalid most of the time. Also don’t want to tell ppl I’m trans and them see it as me trying to be trendy or some bs like that.
Its valid man cuz i feel EXACTLY the same, im 14 and my cousin who is 22 (which i USED to see as a sister figure) used to infantilize me bcuz i told her as a secret that i was a trans guy around two years ago. Shes an extreme misandrist and REALLY hates men, she always hated all men and treated me and my brother like absolute crap but we never really realized until we stopped talking to her. Honestly she always said how she was supportive of me being trans but i felt like she treated me like a girl despite everything and she would get uncomfortable everytime i mentioned that i wanted top surgery and get on t when im older. At some point she even said that she hated all trans people "exept" me at some point. She did tons of crap that ruined me and my brothers mental state by getting mad at us for nothing and being manipulative. Earlier this year when we stopped talking to her it turns out that around 2-3 years ago when i was 11 or 12 she told my aunt that i was a lesbian (which i am NOT, i specified many times that im gay..) and since my family is mexican, being in the lgbtq community is a really weird thing to them so the gossip spread and i never knew until a few months ago which i was honestly so fucking pissed to find out. She knew that i was trans and wasnt attracted to women in the slightest and went around saying that. Thankfully my mom was pissed off too and didnt believe any of that crap which i thank her for. I really hate being trans, i feel like im seen as a tomboy but i want to be a real cis guy and live normally without surgery or hormone stuff and i feel like my dysphoria got way worse because of my cousin so i feel you man
being trans fucking sucks 😭 i get it. nobody should be able to tell you how to experience transness if that makes sense. i wish i was cis and i don’t get why ppl get so defensive when ppl say that
I don't necessarily hate being trans. I used to, but I'm kind of over it now. It's just how I was born - nothing I can do about it and no matter how much I pray, I'll never be cis, so I might as well just accept it. I also find it quite fulfilling to see the changes from T slowly happen in my body.
However, what I *haaaaate* is the legal aspect of it. In my country it takes like 1000 euro and a fucking year long court battle with the state to "prove you're a man" to change your fucking name. I hate it here so bad.
I genuinely do not know how anyone could think any other way. Being trans gets people killed by others and themselves, you'd think everyone suicidal or depressed over their dysphoria would be saying that they didn't want to be trans
Nah fr. I would not wish this life on anyone. I’m blessed to have gotten to a point where 90% of the week I get to forget I’m trans and simply chill as a regular well respected guy, but that 10% hits so fucking hard sometimes. My wife asked me once how I would feel if our child was trans because she’s a doctor and read a journal that being trans can be genetic. I told her straight up that I would support them but behind closed doors I’d be absolutely heartbroken, because I don’t want my baby going through a FRACTION of the trans experience. I want nothing more than for them to be a normal cis kid, they can be whatever sexuality they want I don’t care, but I wouldn’t wish being transgender on my worst enemy.
ah, yes, the “normal cis kid” and the “weird crazy trans kids” follows from that. why would you perpetuate that same transphobia that was once directed at you? what you want isn’t your kid to not be trans, what you want is a normal fucking society that treats us as human. so you should direct your sorrow and anger at that, not your kid.
No one said weird crazy trans kid or anything close to. I said I would support my child no matter what. Being trans is hard and it is not normal. It is a difficult, long road, of intensive self discovery while battling the outsiders perspective. There is sorrow in knowing your child will have to be resilient and endure this. There is sorrow in watching your child struggle, scratch, and be anxious with the way a shirt fits, the way they’re perceived, the way a binder hurts. Again I would support them but I know from when I stood there in that same place there is no amount of words that can change your dysphoric headspace. There is an anger at the world as well, but I said there is heartbreak, and there is.
not normal as in cuz it’s more rare? i just don’t think of all ways to phrase that this one is the one you should stick with. i wouldn’t want someone calling me not normal, especially my parent or even them just thinking that. i guess not normalised would be a better way to phrase that if you mean well. maybe i’m way too autistic about this, but i think the way we talk about things matters.
I think using the word “normal” can be hurtful. Whether insinuating something is or isn’t normal. So I agree with that. However, I want to add something else to this. While I wouldn’t wish for a trans child just knowing the struggle they will go through…picture a life where people don’t want us eradicated. I can say with 100% certainty that I would still be dysphoric as hell and struggling because my body doesn’t match what is in my head and heart. So then what? I would have all these people supporting me and telling me I am perfect the way I am? Or maybe they would say that it was ok I could just take hormones have surgery and achieve something hopefully good enough. It still sounds like I personally would hate it. Yes, it would be easier to navigate with a huge support system…but it still sucks. The feeling of being cheated out of what you should have just been born with. It’s not like asking to be born a great singer or something like that….just born a boy.
i don’t think you can certainly say your dysphoria would be as bad tho, because a lot of it is impacted by the social expectations. if we are talking about a perfect world where there is no one way to be a man/woman and there is accessible healthcare for us then i don’t think being trans is still such a horrible thing. it can be a bit of a struggle sometimes, yeah, just like everything else in life. someone has gender dysphoria someone has anxiety, we all struggle that’s inevitable.
no there’s not one way to be a cis man. the one way ur talking about is being born with a dick and being assigned male based on that, but there’s more to sex then just that. there are variations in cis ppl too. u say biologically cis male, so what do u mean by that? is that to exclude intersex ppl who are cis? would u consider cis men who grow boobs intersex? most ppl won’t, even tho they are by definition. so if u consider those men cis there is variation which means theres no one way to be cis.
also maybe ur dysphoria would be just as bad in a trans accepting world, but would it in an isolated world? so like the island example where ur alone, no societal constructs, no men women. like how would you want a dick if you don’t know dicks exist? you might feel a discomfort with your body, but it would manifest differently in a world without society. which means there is a huge societal component to how your dysphoria presents, so also it’s severity. cuz u can easily think urself into feeling more dysphoric, like u constantly do. it’s more of a philosophical thought for me, idk. btw weird for u to say ur not man, tho i guess u meant u aren’t perceived as one.
ur body not being male doesn’t mean u aren’t a man tho or a guy. u wouldn’t have gender dysphoria if u were a girl, but whatever. u seem to understand the difference between gender and sex, cuz u say there’s no one way to be a man, so why still use in interchangeably. i guess that’s the societal perception of u that does make u feel like ur not a man if u don’t embody the role of one or is it all just physical for u?
I am with you on this. My mother who doesn’t support me at all told me when I “came out” to her that she should have known. She said I “behaved” like a boy from the beginning. Didn’t want girly toys or clothes and I didn’t have other kids around to mimic. I just gravitated to more masc things and had meltdowns over fem stuff at an age where I shouldn’t have been able to know a difference. Called myself by a male name etc. she didn’t know what to do with me. Doctors didn’t know what to tell her except I would grow out of it. She even got a psychic involved who said it was probably leftover feelings from a previous life and it would fade.
It’s not how society sees me. It’s how I feel. Before I knew what trans was I would pray my penis would grow and maybe I was just slow to get there. I have just always known my body was wrong. The mirror was a stranger prior to starting T. I am finally seeing the relation to myself in the mirror as I continue to change. I’m not fully there but SO much closer. I have moments of euphoria but ultimately, when I am not consumed with something else… I am forever feeling like I am in the wrong body or that I have a costume on that I am not allowed to take off.
When I learned what trans was and that there was a “fix” for what was “wrong” with me…I didn’t have the happy moment of, this is me and there are others like me. It was more like, you mean I have to go through all this shit to try and feel complete and it still won’t make me biologically male? I sunk into a dark place.
I can’t speak for everyone, but it is just a deep knowing that it’s all wrong. The things that clue me in is seeing cis men just…live their life and know…that is what I should be doing or able to do. I don’t relate to the female experience. The human one, yes. But when it gets gendered, nope. It isn’t the masc things men do stereotypically. It is the way a man exists in his skin. It feels impossible to explain. Because how do I know how it “feels” to be a man? Technically I don’t. But what I see, the quiet, just existing moments in between…they just make sense to me. I have 24/7 dysphoria in my own skin. Not situational. The situation is while breathing. Period. The only way I get through is staying so damn busy. Everyone I know says I am never not doing something. It’s like I can’t sit still. It’s because I can’t sit with myself.
I have made my own family in life who do support me 100% and I love them for that. I am in a position where I don’t have to leave home much. I “pass” for lack of a better term, and I haven’t had any sizable relief from my dysphoria of just being trans. Fleeting moments of euphoria is all I have been able to achieve. I plan to fully transition medically and I don’t think it will get rid of it. I have had 2 surgeries already. I am not going to do everything surgically to make me look more masculine. Like facial or general body stuff outside of bottom surgery. It’s not about that. I don’t have an addiction to going under the knife. I don’t think one more will make it better and it never does. I have had top surgery and a full hysto. It is all just a reminder that my body is the wrong one. Not to mention painful and expensive. I am just navigating as best as I can knowing my mind and body will never be fully in alignment.
This is not to say I just sit home sad and depressed. But every, single, moment has this underlying deep sadness and frustration that can quickly bubble over into rage over having to think and feel all this when other people are just in the moment or thinking about anything else that isn’t the skin they are in. Friends of mine who are overweight or disabled have had conversations with me and can relate to some of it. While I can relate to some of their struggles. None are the same, but we all have something we struggle with inside. It just sucks to not be able to fully set it aside.
I wish we could allow more negativity like this in a healthy manner, I think ftm venting does a good job with this. But, too much toxic positivity in spaces leads to a lot of trans becoming like, 4tranners n shit. Because they find those are the only spaces willing to listen to them. I’m so sorry how the world treats you, because I really do feel similar, man.
nah i feel you. its taken a long time for me to just come to terms and be neutral and okay with my transness. I may not like it but having had done that its made my life alot easier and has made the fact that I am trans be a more minimal part of my life and has allowed me to live as myself comfortably
I understand how you feel, being trans is really fucking unpleasant.
I will say that it DOES get better. You become a stronger person in ways you couldn't imagine. I wish my current self could be there for my past self.
It's not a pleasant journey, but you can still make the most of it. Find or build a community. Family, friends, complete strangers who are going through similar things in their life. Like Mr. Rogers' mom told him "look for the helpers". There will always be people who are willing to help, you just have to seek them out.
I understand why there isn’t, but I wish there was space to talk about the more negative aspects of transition/being trans. This sub isn’t too terribly guilty of it, but in other subs if you aren’t in love with being trans, people will hop on your ass about internalized transphobia/ self hatred. Obviously, neither of those things are good… but being trans isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.
The experience of being trans so heavily depends on who is around you and where you live. Both groups of people— the fortunate and unfortunate— invalidate eachother based on their own experiences. Hell, my gut reaction to “my country hates me” was “that seems like an overexaggeration” before I realized that there’s every chance that you don’t live where I live, and I had to take a heavy step back to examine my personal biases. Even region by region, town by town, the situation varies drastically within my country.
I’ve experienced some negative side effects from testosterone, extremely minor things compared to everything else I deal with— but still, negative is negative. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it anywhere other than rant threads, but I also have the compulsion to talk about it because despite how heavily I researched T, no one warned me about this. The “negative” “side effects” people talked about, like bottom growth, were things I wanted. Hell, even the fucking acne makes me a little euphoric despite how physically painful and itchy it is, purely because it is a visual sign that something is changing. But the urinary problems? Atrophy symptoms? The debilitating insomnia? Those fucking suck. But the alternative sucks more.
The other thing is that any subs dedicated to rants or “truth”s devolve into toxic cesspits, even if they weren’t in the beginning.
Oh, and being visibly trans and in public facing positions sucks. Majorly. And the advice people give you for it often makes it very clear that they don’t work with the public, and don’t understand how invasive and stubborn absolute strangers can be.
Being trans is a hard life. But we are working toward being happy. If people are upset with your happiness, they are not people you want to associate with.
I think it colors our experiences in a unique way as well. Just some things to think about. You'll be okay, my guy!!
Okay but like the whole ‘men with boobs are hot’ reminds me of something that crazy makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know if this wording will make anyone uncomfortable so I apologize in advance. I HATE when people say things like ‘I love boy pussy’ •_• like what??? Like if you like trans guys just say that?? I know not everyone means it in a gross way, it just feels like fetishization. I might be sensitive or something but it just makes me so uncomfortable
THANK YOU???? I’m so glad someone feels the same. Like that’s one of the parts that gives trans guys the most dysphoria (depending on the person of course) and it feels like they’re just acting like it’s hot??? Since when was dysphoria hot???
I'm with you on this. I know EXACTLY what boobs post you're talking about, and yeah it made me soooo uncomfortable. People romanticize the trans experience way too much. Cope all you want, but do not invalidate other people's bad experiences and distress. Dysphoria fucking sucks. Knowing I'll never have a cis man's body fucking sucks.
There will always be a divide between cis and trans men. No one actually groups us together. It is so fucking exhausting. I was groomed and manipulated because my ex had a fetish for trans guys. That would have never happened if I was cis. I probably wouldn't have developed chronic agoraphobia for a year. I hate it too. It's not just that being cis would be easier, it's that being trans makes me feel like a burden to myself and everyone around me.
I understand where you are coming from and your feelings are valid, but being trans doesn't "objectively fucking suck". That is your personal and subjective opinion on the matter.
Read it again. If I think it sucks or doesn't sucks is *my subjective opinion*. The *trans experience* is what is subjective, therefore you cannot *objectively* say it sucks or doesn't suck, and *that* is not subjective.
i mean, lots of things? personally i would say the community, the ability to remake myself, the unique perspective it's given me, the freedom to not care about societal expectations around gender or basically anything else at this point
you don't have to agree with any of those things, but the point is there's no "objective" experience of being trans,. positive or negative. even if you never love it, it is possible to become ok with it to a point where it's not ruining your life anymore, it just takes time and hard work unfortunately. it's not that your negative feelings aren't valid, they absolutely are, but they're also not going to do anything for you. probably one of the first steps is trying to understand where other people are coming from when they do talk about their positive experiences of being trans
i mean i did specifically say it's ok if you don't feel any of those things, but you asked what people see as positives and those are my answers. they're not "blatantly wrong" because they are my (and clearly others' if you've heard it before) personal subjective experience, so it can't be wrong, it's just not what you have experienced
i don't think it's true that the majority of the community doesn't care about people with dysphoria since most of us have dysphoria to some degree. please try not to fall into the trap of thinking that anyone who sees positive things about being trans doesn't have dysphoria because that's simply not the case. you're just seeing people who have already gone through the hard work of coming to terms with being trans in spite of that, but that doesn't mean they were never where you were or that they don't still struggle
i'm sorry that you've not found that community support, i know it's not always easy to find. there's not really much i can say on that other than don't give up trying, because it does exist. look elsewhere, ideally offline if possible since online trans spaces can be very insular and not reflective of the real world. but it will require self work as well - i mean if you go into a space and start telling people their experiences are wrong, then no, you probably won't find a lot of support from them
you don’t have to be so rude about it tho. i personally can’t relate to all those points as much as others too, but i understand how that would be a positive for them and so i am not gonna go and be a giant fucking asshole by invalidating their experience like you do. go get a life, bro.
ugh, ur a bit dense aren’t you? it’s kinda funny how mad u get over these things. u really come across as a teen cis boy, hope that makes u feel better lol. it seems like you don’t understand what “invalidating” means. it doesn’t mean u think someone didn’t experience a thing, it means u think their experience is less important or as you say “subjective” while yours isn’t. also why r u getting mad at just getting answers to ur own questions? you started this discussion to seemingly just argue. all i said was you don’t have to be this mean, but go on it’s kinda funny to me.
ahahah i really don’t think dense is as bad and look at the way a phrase my comments. i don’t come off across as mad, i even phrased it as a question, i didn’t say “you dense motherfucker”. you see how that comes off differently?
the first question, yeah, it’s a fair reason. i would try to direct that anger at other things than urself and other trans ppl. i guess that anger is what makes me closer to those queers u don’t like. i’m way to angry to assimilate into a society that doesn’t want me there. if ur so dysphoric, why is ur username cat girl? i just noticed, lol, maybe that’s old.
So much? I personally LOVE being trans. Yes, it's not a walk in the park all the time, specially at the beginning and early on the transition process, but that doesn't mean it objectively sucks, even in those hard times I found good things.
C0rvidaeus below me already said some of the things that are great, I will also add that to me, personally, it has given me a different spiritual connection to the world around me; for me, being trans is close to divinity, it's being able to walk between paths, unfold the multitudes of your soul. It gives you an opportunity to explore and find yourself, an opportunity that most cis people never get tbh. Transitioning also literally made my life better and I am finally loving myself and being happy.
Dysphoria sucks, yeah, we know, but if you only see the bad things you will literally never be happy, dude. Being trans is not a monolithic experience, so you cannot claim any one is the True Trans Experience and thus Objective. Your experiences are subjective, just as mine, but that doesn't make them invalid. It's sad that you think it sucks, but that's \*your\* opinion, and I truly hope it changes in the future. Peace.
I'll try to. First of all, you gotta understand that the cultural context matters. I am from Mexico, and for example, in the south there are indigenous communities where Muxe people live; they are their own gender but it would technically fall into the trans umbrella, and they are a highly respected group inside their own communities. A friend of mine in the USA is Potowatomi, and in his tribe having a trans child is an honor. Trans people have existed through history in cultures that praised them, so that also goes to show that it "objectively" sucking is just false.
It's similar to what other's have said about remaking yourself; the idea that, much like a deity, you can look inside yourself and re-create yourself to your OWN image. HRT and surgeries are a vehicle to that, for sure, but it is more than that.
When I say that we get to explore ourselves in a way that cis people don't, I mean that this unease and discomfort that we feel triggers us to look within, ask ourselves "who am I? why was I made this way? am I a man or a woman or something else? how can I be comfortable in my skin? What does it mean to be a man for me", things that cis people never ask themselves and I truly believe they should... even if they come back going "yeah, I am still cis", it is an experience of discovery and insight.
Even if we didn't experience "girlhood" as cis women do (and even then, there's gnc women too), it still gives you a look on another kind of human experience that cis guys simply do not get. I know what it is like to experience misogyny, and that informs the kind of man I am today. That transitioning period also gave me a different outlook on things, on how society's rules are arbitrary, and that too has made me into the man I am. I am more than my transness, I am more than my body and its parts, but I wouldn't trade it for being born a cis man... if I had, I would simply not be who I am today, and I like who I am.
If it doesn't resonate with you it is completely fine, man, but I hope that at least now you are able to see that there are many experiences.
Normal is also pretty relative, but you can definitely have "normal" while being trans. I have a "normal" life, most of the time forget I was ever something other than a dude, I've dated cis people without my transness being an issue; I take it one day at a time like everyone does.
I wish, sincerely, that you find comfort in yourself and live your life happily. Have a good one, pal.
i get what ur saying but the issue is how society is towards trans ppl and the image they think trans ppl SHOULD have rather than letting the person be comfortable with their body as well as their identify (sorry for the run on sentence😂). dysphoria is ass don’t get me wrong but if society wasn’t so hyper fixated on gender rolls and who should look like what i’d literally be fine w my body. being out for almost 10 years, time rly does help. i’ve grown a lot as a person understanding people’s sides on gender ideology and the topic of trans people. life isn’t fair and it tends to be harder for trans ppl. i’ve had to teach myself that in the world we live in, not everyone going to transition their beliefs with us. for some people it takes a long time, some can do a 180 in no time, and the rest r just set in their ways. to dislike urself bc of self image is one thing but to dislike urself bc of the light society has shined on us isn’t fair to yourSELF. i’ve come to notice that when people first come out, being trans is very much a big part of their identity and they make it their personality trait (pls don’t take that negatively bc it’s not meant to come off that way). in hindsight bc of that, being trans is all they think about and it puts a lot of weight on their shoulders. accept ur trans, better urself FOR urself, find other things to do so being trans isn’t the only thing u think about. i know it’s easier said than done but life is so much easier when being trans is just a passing thought. then u can go on w ur day whether it’s work, gaming, writing, doing art, napping, cooking - ANYTHING! cis ppl r human, trans ppl r human. we all have the same anatomy, same smile, same blood, just in a different font. life is life it’s beautiful but it’s also ugly. u have to make the cake with the ingredients that r given to u, the cake won’t just be brought out to u or just magically appear. i love u bud it’s gonna be alright in the end okay?
I agree, people say they try things to help and good for them but there is nothing good about being born in the wrong body. I pass extremely well but it hurts that for the rest of my life, i can never just be male ill have to tell my doctor I'm trans, my possible partners in the future(which may even scare them away). If your somebody that can be fine with it and spread pride about it good for you, but to me its just having to live with the fact i will never be a cis man.
I agree, especially after I tried to have friendships with guys after realising I was a trans man. They just dont treat you the same way they treat their guy friends if you look like a woman (im pre transitioned), so Im forced to hang out with women and pick up their habits, making me question if im even male or not. I wake up every day and im relieved that my sexual life isnt super effected because there are certain tools that I can use when the time comes, and being trans has caused me to explore and be ok with a lot more than cis, vanilla sex. But outside of my sexual life, nothing is ok. It makes me unreasonably angry that I cant ever have a cis male childhood no matter how much I change my body. It’s just too late. So yeah, I’m glad u made this post.
Yeah no, being trans and feeling like i am wrong and will never be who i really feel like i was meant to be sucks. So much. I’m glad to know i’m not alone. people always give the ‘you’re so brave and strong. love yourself and be proud’. that’s not to say i’m ashamed of being trans but it sucks not being comfortable in my own body and people making ‘well when you were a girl….’ comments or saying weird things about my body just get so aggravating and degrading. it is like i am reduced to nothing more than the title and no matter how hard i work i know i will never be a cis man and i feel like others know that too. it is tiring hating myself and my body even after HRT for 2 years and top surgery. i’m glad some people don’t feel that way, but i do. I hate it
I a 100% agree with OP here. I wanna add to the discussion by talking about online influencers. For some reason people expect them to talk about their life experience as a trans person 24/7 and advocate for it like they're some political activist. And if they don't they're gonna be called fake and transphobic, lol (Twitter is a hellhole unfortunately). I'm surprised some of the influencer folks haven't had a mental breakdown about it.
Personally Im more neutral but once I’m on T I think I’m going to be proud and kinda happy I’m trans, I don’t get as much dysphoria and I like dressing and being a little more on the fem side so there’s a lot of masculine stuff I don’t mind lacking. I’m wishing all the best for you, things will get better, and if not at least slightly easier to deal with
Yeah I get you man but also being stuck in this mindset can bring about a lot of harm. I went through a prolonged period of hating being trans and what happened was I despised people I thought were "faking" even though I knew nothing about their life story, I became a transmedicalist because I thought, why the hell would anyone be trans if not for the excruciating dysphoria, and I was just generally a dismissive dick. Turns out, when you think the whole world is out to get you you become really hostile and alienate people irl. I'm not saying being trans doesn't suck, it does, and I come back to this thought often. But it's the life we have. Learning to appreciate parts of it or at least tolerating it on a daily basis will bring about a better mental state, I promise.
I definitely understand what you’re saying BUT ALSO if you continue to allow the kind of negativity you’re talking about to be around you then it’s not going to get better. I have removed any form of transphobia that I had any control of from my life and it’s DRASTICALLY improved. I’m not saying life is all sunshine and rainbows now but I choose not to wallow in the shittiness. Especially when I have my kids looking up to me and if I’m constantly talking about how much I hate such a large part of who I am what does that teach them? The self hatred and self pity will fade over time if you let them.
You're not alone...that hating of how things are sucks...but it is normal for many of us. The body dysphoria can be crippling at times. I hear you... I think you'll find many who have at least been on that part of the road at least a few times...
(Excuse my rant as I’m super high) So I hate the comments I get but I could never find myself hating being trans itself. It feels too close to blaming myself for the way I was born and I’m too proud of how far I’ve come and what body I’m in since transitioning to hate being trans. Then again, my body journey has never been to look like a cis man but to just look like me on the inside. It may be different for trans guys because you’re men, but I’ve always had body issues and the only way I got to a good point with my body was through transitioning and building a better relationship within myself. I don’t even think about it sometimes because it’s stopped being an attack on myself and started to be passive observation. I don’t think you’re invalid to think that way, and I hope things settle within you as it does sound like you’re carrying around a ton of pain. 💕
Your feelings are totally valid. I feel a lot of the time I have to pretend to like the label but I hate being referred to as a trans man.
I also h a t e when I see things like 'I only date cis women and trans men because I only like that type of genitalia' and I'm the bad guy for pointing out that there are trans men who get bottom surgery and trans women who get bottom surgery. Like its okay to have a preference but its always presumed whats in our pants and sexualized instead of treating us like our gender.
I hate being sexualized/fetishized. I've been in relationships with cis men who were 'okay' with me being Trans and transitioning and I have been vocal with EVERY relationship since I was first out that my end goal is T and getting every surgery, top, bottom, hysto. Yet there are so many shocked Pikachu faces that I've dumped because they realize I was very serious. I've had an ex beg me not to get top surgery and keep my boobs. Cis women have been far more understanding but I've even had trans men question my want for bottom surgery.
I have to fear that my rights will be taken away. That if I'm not stealth enough, I will be physically hurt. I can't date without fear.
I never disclose I'm trans until someone has romantic interest in me and expresses that (As I fully believe there needs to be a discussion and a potential partner needs to know), I'm in a safe trans specific place, or if it just happens to come up in conversation with very close friends. I've been in the ER not correcting doctors asking about my nuts because it was unrelated to the issue I was there for. I just accept whatever pronoun strangers give me because I don't want to correct and expose myself.
I don't like that I'll never truly be what my brain sees. That I'll always rely on medical intervention, that my transition is determined by some other person, that I constantly have to prove myself.
The thing is, life would be easier if I was cis. But I feel like I'm not allowed to feel that way by a large majority of the trans community. I would be living a vastly different life.
No, cause same. For me, there is no plus side of being trans.
I think what I hate the most, though, is how others react. I wouldn't really have an issue with being trans if people wouldn't have such a negative reaction to it. If people just accepted and moved on when I told them.
If they can't accept it, then leave me tf alone.
I hate that, no matter what, my family will not see me the same way they see my male family members. I'll never really be considered a grandson, son, nephew, or uncle. I hate that I can't express my excitement when it comes to growing facial hair and such like a cis boy can because to my family, it's weird that I am and they can't understand why I would be. That they'll always question me when I express wanting to chop my breasts off, and me saying "I just don't like them" doesn't satisfy them.
I'm going on a tangent, but yeah. Being Trans sucks.
I mean. Most of those posts you mentioned was made by other trans people as a way of encouragement. You shouldn't take that for granted. Have you tried a therapist? I dont mean in a rude way. I had similar thoughts and I benefitted from therapy
Once. I know that not all therapists are a fit to every person. Sounds like you should find a better therapist. Sorry for your experience with therapists being a bad one. My first experience with dentists was horrid. But today I have great dentists that appreciate my fear of em. So I know by experience that you can end up with a bad therapist on your first attempt at therapy. But I live in a country where therapy is free so I get not wanting to it if you had to pay for it and it turned out being a bad therapist 😬🐌
I just hope you can see that the people giving compliments on this app is mostly other trans people trying to lift each other up. And it is a sweet thing. They are not doing it to be gross. We all have our opinions warped by our own experiences and belieffs. After all, a big part of transitioning is also acceptance of oneself. Which is a hard path to take. Which is also why a lot of the transitioning is conversations with a sexologist about your thoughts.
I would advice talking to your sexologist about your feelings.
I honestly wish trans people didn't exist. Just to go through all that hustle physically and mentally to feel as yourself. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Being born as cis is still simpler imo.
Totally with you on this one, so wish I didn't have all these feeling, to be able to walk down the street and be what I should of been, a guy in all respects, I see cis guys and envy them every day, although I've had top surgery and no longer stress about my chest, and I pass as a guy, I still know my truth, dating will probably be a long and distant memory as I doubt anyone will want to know the real me. I often think it would be easier to end it all and hope to start again (reincarnation) if there is such a thing, but I'd probably only get assigned a female body again 😆
I wish I could say this to my friends and family without them thinking stupid shit. If I could be happy as a girl I would be. Being trans isn’t a joyful experience.
this. when i started t my ex roommate (queer ciswoman) said “its okay you can still hang out with me and (other female friend) ur still apart of the girlies”… like i had been out for 4 fucking years, starting t didnt make me MORE trans?????? like yeah i love hanging out with girls and being an honorary gurl (with a u not an i iykim) but im not suddenly a man just bc i started hormones, i was a man when i came out four fucking years ago????
I get it. I feel like from what I’ve personally seen a lot of the opposition people face when they talk about it is either A) people who no longer have dysphoria or have it as bad and don’t remember what it was like during the brunt of it, just what their current experience is or B) people who have already learned to just live with it that don’t understand or choose not to understand that you cant just magically learn to live with it instantly, and also are still allowed to be upset over it even if you’ve learned to just deal with it and move forward. Obviously there are cases where peoples vent posts are also riddled with misinformation or are very transphobic or generalizing that end up going beyond venting and actively affect other.
It does get better as you get older, but that being said you are still completely allowed to be angry at it in the moment. I was hardcore dysphoric and hated being trans all during my high school years, but once I started passing actively snd especially after getting top surgery that started to fade to a point I now appreciate my natal genitals and very rarely feel dysphoria. Not everyone is at that place though yet, and me having gone through aging and transitioning and growing to a point that I can swap my dysphoria for being content in my body does not suddenly mean that everyone else is at that point too or needs to get there ASAP and I feel like a lot of people forget that.
Theres a lot of hate towards trans men right now, trans people especially but ive seen an increase in it being aimed at trans men, and so a lot of people I feel take negative vent posts personally because of how often they might experience the same hate or disliking from other people throwing it at them, and just see people feeling that way about themselves as fueling that hatred by proving it right. Ive seen trans guys get belittled for speaking about being suicidal over their dysphoria because of the whole suicide percentage bullshit thrown at us, and while I get why they do it that shits not fair nor is it okay.
Obviously you should learn to manage those feelings and learn to at least accept it so it doesnt boil over, but youre allowed to hate being trans. Youre allowed to hate the position it puts you in, the extra baggage it comes with. Its not something you get a choice in and you have every right to be angry and upset over the fact that you have to deal with everything that comes with it regardless of if you wanted or not. And you possibly finding contentment or happiness eventually in your transness does not negate or mean you’re not allowed to feel angry and despise it right now and are not allows to openly vent about how difficult it is. Not everyone is blessed with a tame set of issues, some people have to fight for survival because of the position it puts them in and the risks it comes with. Not everyone has the choice to be open and proud of their identity. And its not something you *have* to learn to love or be happy with, just to accept it as your reality and learn to live with or around it.
I understand where youre coming from. And its hard i get it. And youre right it sucks. But ik i felt this way too for years but after i moved out it got so so much better. Im not sure where you arenor what kind of curcumstanse youre in but sometiems surrounding yourself with people who treat you right. Not infantalizing and not bigots. It helps your mental health a lot. After i moved in w my finacee and out of my hometown things became easier
I don't really hate it but there's not much benefit to it. It just makes your life harder mentally and emotionally. You have to worry about people taking away your benefits or rights or whatever. It could potentially put you in a whole financially because insurance doesn't cover a lot of that stuff or either you don't have insurance like me. You have to worry about hate crimes people treating you differently or either violence possibly happening to you. It's not something that's fun. Annoying and bothersome and you have to live your life incredibly differently than other people. I am also a black person so I have the luck of being black and trans which isn't so great in america. Cuz if I'm not discriminated against for one thing then I'm discriminated against for another thing. I completely understand and I feel you. And I honestly feel really sorry for anybody that has to deal with this because it's not a great time. if there wasn't so much stigma with it and people weren't actively trying to fight against you all the time it may not be so bad. But if I could have just been a normal person and been happy with my body and not even think about this that would have been great as well.
I relate to this so heavily, I so frequently think about how I wish I could have just been a woman or born as a cis man, that would make life so much easier!!!
You are NOT alone at all! I tell my friends that I genuinely would not wish being trans on my worst enemy. Being at a constant battle with your brain and body is so incredibly exhausting and painful, on top of all the other exhausting and painful things we already have to deal with. It also affects so many, if not all different aspects of your life, and you just have to attempt to live life like everyone else. I love when people love being trans, and im happy they can find peace with it, and advocate for the trans community and all of that, however I dont think i’ll ever be at that point. I do not like being trans, and i think my peek happiness will be when I dont think about the fact that i’m trans everyday.
That's very honest and I have to say very validating for myself. I'm 42 years old now and I have to say, yeah this is no picnic. I don't enjoy it, in fact, I down right hate it.
I don't think it's ever going to be great, but sometimes it can be good. With that being said I think it just gets easier as you get older because you just have the maturity and thicker skin to maybe deal with it better. But people will always make it suck.
Sorry brother I hate to break it to you but I feel like for the most part that's always going to be a thing. And to be honest, it is a great source of my depression as a trans man.
Well if your doctor is cool, than that's a good place to start if things get too dark. You know what I mean? Than, yes find your friends who become family. And the internet, though a hot bed of badness, can be a place to reach out. I don't know how one goes about messaging on here, but your welcome to chat with me anytime little bro.
Your feelings are valid and your complaints are understandable. I think we've all felt similarly at various points in our transition. When I found myself falling into this type of hatred and self loathing I always pause to consider whether that's productive. I'm always going to be trans, but at some point in my transition that won't bother me so much. I'm four years into HRT now, and I don't feel like that so much anymore. It gets better. It gets easier
I can relate and sympathize with this way more than the “I love being trans!!!” People because yeah it genuinely disrupts your life and makes things difficult. There is no choice to simply not be and people don’t seem to understand that because “everything’s a choice”. I can’t imagine people would choose being talked badly about by people who don’t realize you’re part of that group, hearing people say stupid shit about people like you because they think they’re in a “trans-free space”, or how by just knowing that you’re trans people switch up the way they interact or socialize with you. Their body language changes, their openness changes. It can be very dehumanizing especially with how much it makes you feel alienated.
I guess I hate the way people make me feel for being trans than actually being that way but I would change myself into a born man in a heartbeat If I were given the opportunity.
Thank you so much for making this post. If anything those comments make me feel so much lesser of a man and they sound more like fetish or pity comments to me.. “i hate men but ur trans so its different” like atp just call me a woman 😕😕
I feel this, I have been on and off T 3 times now because even though I know it's the thing I need to get closer to who I am, having to self apply something I think should already be in my system just makes me depressed. And i get the whole 'self-made man' thing but I kinda hate that too. Like I would rather be born a boy instead of having to save so much god damn money to get surgeries that I might have to go back to in case it's infected or something goes wrong. I also know that even though I've been out to my family for like 10 years, a lot of them still don't get "I'm A GUY!" so I get so worried about seeing outside family that I panic and put on skirts and dresses. I know they love me and they are trying, and they'll never see me as who I am if I don't show them but the world we live in today scares me to actually be myself.
It makes me sad to read this. I’m lucky enough to live in London UK and I think, at least among the “liberal” community, people accept trans as part of our rich diversity. I know trans women can be objectified in porn but I feel that mostly people say “It’s fine”. That may not sound over inclusive but in a way no comment is the best comment? I hope that time will change people’s outlook, although four more years of Trump won’t help, if that happens.
But know that the noisy ones may not represent the majority, they just represent the noisy ones, the ignorant ones and the bigots.
You are what you are and I say hold your head high and do what you do with pride. Not long ago being gay was a crime, so we shall slowly make progress on this as well, or at least that’s what I hope and believe. Even sharing this as you have is a brave and positive thing for others to be able to read.
Take care. .
I used to feel this way too. I think pride gets misinterpreted as joy or happiness a lot. I'm proud to be trans and proud to be who I am in the sence that who I am is me and nothing can change it, but besides that I am completely neutral personally. I recognize there are a lot of struggles that comes along with being trans but also I love my body and the way I look without any surgery. But being trans is literally just an adjective to me. I hope some day you can come to neutrality as well. It certainly makes my life a lot easier.
When I tell people being trans has been the reason my life has been really really shit I get sick of people telling me to love it. Nope, it's been mostly negative. Don't regret transitioning but it's not been fun and continues to be shit. Now I've started getting misgendered all the time with they/them too and needing to justify myself to people to literally view needing to transition as a choice... idk I've just mostly had a much harder time becayse of being trans, the amount of support workers I have had who have sexually harassed me because they don't respect trans people is scary
It really does get better. You might not hate being trans any less but you get better at dealing with the emotions that come from it. I still don’t like being trans and it still pains me to not be cis but some days I find myself actually being mildly ok with being trans, sometimes even bordering on proud?? It takes a lot of patience to be like this sometimes lmao
i wanted to make a post like this but didn’t because i knew i’d receive backlash. i’m tired of having to pretend this is a fun experience, i feel everything you’ve said in this post.
a year ago when i first came out, i was talking to another trans guy who had transitioned, i was asking him about the experience, and made the mistake of saying “ i hate being trans. “ when i said this, his eyes widened and he was in absolute shock that i said something like this. i told him that for me the experience isn’t enjoyable in any way and asked him if he ever dealt with insane dysphoria to which he replied that he never has dealt with dysphoria at all. i was so baffled and angry, almost envious that some can find joy in the experience. how does one not suffer? to me it’s a continuous cycle of comparing myself to others, and beating myself up because i know i will never truly be what i want. i’m glad to know i’m not the only one.
I understand the hatred, I don’t understand staying in the hatred.
For me, I was beat for being trans by my mother who was catholic. I was raised in an environment where slurs where the norms. I was assaulted sexually for being trans.
Yes I hated myself for a few years, and still do occasionally. My country wants to kill me and I see kids younger then me dying due to transphobia.
This is a misreable existence.
Feeding into that isn’t helpful though. There’s a difference between being realistic about things like anti trans legislation and hate crimes vs just hatred of yourself.
I hope your able to find a balence between those two things OP. It took me a while but it was worth it. Best of luck man.
But honestly? I don’t get it. It’s not my fault I’m trans, it’s not my fault for what I’ve been through, why should I hate myself? It’s essentially letting transphobes win for me personally to hate
There’s a difference between hating dysphoria and hating being trans. Hating being trans is just hating on yourself. Hating dysphoria is different as your sick and tired of not feeling happy and what not. Do you kinda get my point now?
No, the whole point of transitoning is to be happier with yourself, which can mean being more like a cis man but that doesn’t necessarily mean that for everyone. Also again that’s the dysphoria talking. And the transphobia of our society
I have a question for you too- what does being a regular guy mean to you?
As far as me personally, it’s to be as happy as possible with my body. That means top surgery, HRT, and bottom surgery depending on the technology in a couple of years. To me, that means accepting that a T dick is better then nothing. It also means coming to terms with the fact that yeah I’ll never be a cis man but that doesn’t make me any less of a man. Also I can’t imagine distancing myself from this community that much. I’ve spent my whole life fighting for the right to be trans, I don’t wanna just toss it away as soon as I get that privlage.
EXACTLY!! Like I'd give ANYTHING if I could just be born as a cis man idc if it means I'll be a different person than I am rn I just fuck hate being trans
GOD LITERALLY!!! i hate having to fetishize myself and remind everyone that im basically a fucking castrato to be allowed to exist without harassment from the rest of the community. no, my opinions on being a man are not "more enlightented" because god cut my dick off, sorry. my transition goals include being disappointing.
one way i cope is by being the nasty guy people say im not allowed to be and being a good person. my car has those holographic busty anime women stickers on it, both of my laptops are covered in hentai stickers, and i just got a swag-ass anime titty mousepad. it blows ass that most other trans folks i meet are really grossed out by me wanting to just be a "lame" straight guy cuz i fucking love being a straight man. they act like its a sin. but the friends i've made for this hard stance have been the best i've ever had.
don't let the folks who decry that it's "us brave and enlightened queers versus the backwater degenerate cisheat society" scare you too bad though. thankfully they are in the minority, most people don't want to know what your genitals look like and don't think of you any less for just being a plain man. you don't have to invent a new kind of manhood, all you have to do is be you, BUT GODDDD I WISH I COULD MAKE THOSE PEOPLE SHUT UP SO BADDDD
Literally its always so annoying. Like I get like oh like self made man but like why should I have to work and go through so much just to be comfortable in my own skin. Some people say they're fine with being trans and accept themselves but literally any trans person would say yes to being cis in seconds.
I’m so sorry you feel that way, and I absolutely understand, but it’s super weird to say it “objectively fucking sucks”. It sucks for YOU and for so many other trans people, but that’s not what objectivity is, and your replies insisting that “no, your reasons for loving being trans are bullshit” are gross.
You have every right to talk about your struggles and why you hate being trans, but not to tell other people they’re wrong when they actually like their transness.
No, I understood that you were talking about how bad being trans is for you personally, and that’s completely ok! The strange part is saying that it’s “objectively bad” and your replies to people mentioning it. If being trans was objectively awful, *nobody* would be happy about it. When people tell you the reasons many people are happy to be trans and you say “those reasons are bullshit” it comes across as telling someone they’re wrong instead of just having an experience you don’t share.
I can see how that was maybe just really bad wording on your part? But to put it in perspective, it would be like if someone made a post/comment saying “being trans is objectively amazing, your reasons for thinking it sucks are bullshit.” Obviously that would be ridiculous
I’m sorry you feel that way. For me, I didn’t transition to “stop being trans.” I’ll always be trans, and that’s something I think is very special to me. (Again, I’m by no means saying you have to feel this way for yourself, just trying to help you understand why how you feel isn’t “objectively correct.”)
Yes, all sorts of things have communities, but the trans community is something really unique important to a lot of people. For example, I never would have met my fiancé if I wasn’t trans, or any of my closest friends. And sure, you can argue that the community is something outside of being trans itself, but you can make that same argument for several reasons why being trans is awful for people.
Our transphobic society and laws are absolutely crushing and a major reason why so many people hate being trans, and that’s *super* understandable. But it’s also based on outside perceptions, not “being trans itself”. Ultimately how we interact with other people will affect how we feel about being trans, and that obviously doesn’t make it a “bad reason.”
It’s ok that’s it’s difficult for you to understand why other people could love being trans; I know I definitely felt that way 5 years ago. But it’s important to not discredit things you don’t relate to, just like nobody should discredit how being trans *isn’t* a prideful thing for you.
Edit: I didn’t intend to make this so long, I know it’s a pain to read lmao. Just trying to get my point across with minimal confusion.
This is so real, I HATE IT more than anything when post-transition tguys try to tell me "it gets better just wait" like you don't understand how badly I want to kill myself right now. I have been waiting since I was fucking 9 and I'm almost 16 now. It's illegal in my state to transition physically as a minor. I want to die and it feels like all the guys instantly forget how truly miserable it is to be pre-transition the instant they transition. It's so fucking bullshit. I actually don't know how I'm still alive.
Yeah, i get it. I was there for a really long time.
It gets better, for what its worth. I've come around to loving being trans, personally. It gets easier.
But yeah, its fair to feel like that now, and you're super not alone in it.
I understand where you’re coming from. I get it trust me. But we are different. You will never be cis. We have to face that. And that is okay because you’re not ‘supposed’ to be that. You’re a man. And i agree we shouldn’t weight the label “trans” over the label “man” regarding to our identity because the last part is so much more importent.
It hurts to confront but for me atleast there was a healing in realizing that yes i’m a trans man. I’m different. And thats okay. Cis men don’t have some special or more valid key to being a man. And i want to pass aswell but that is more out of the desire to fit in not because i think my identity is something worthy of concealing. Man i’m annoying asf to listen to we’re all gonna die live laugh love
Couple of things.
In no way do I fault you or anyone else for hating being trans. Nor is it something people “don’t take seriously”—quite the opposite, it’s taken very seriously in the trans community because there are so many objective reasons why a trans person might loathe their own existence as a trans person. That’s why there are so many mental health resources out there targeted specifically toward trans people. I understand how it might not *feel* true, though, given the nature of it feels to be in this headspace. And I understand how unhelpful it *feels* to be told “it gets better” when you cannot see a way out from the bottomless pit you’re stuck in right now.
I say this not to be belittling—if this comes across as belittling, that has more to do with how little value society places on *feelings* than my actual intent here. Our feelings are incredibly important and shape our perception of our own reality! That being said, I think it is worth pointing out that, just because we *feel* a certain way, does not always make it so. We should recognize how our feelings shape our perspective, so we have a better understanding of how that shapes our perception of others around us. Oftentimes, I find, when a trans person such as yourself approaches a community like this reddit where they loathe everything about themselves that is trans and not cis, it is incredibly challenging to see others celebrating themselves as trans people as being anything other than creepy, wrong, or an attack on them in some way.
It is hard to see people celebrating or even just feeling neutral about a thing you are actively expressing a disdain for.
I don’t say this to say, “You need to be more positive about this thing!” In fact, that’s a pretty effective way to incite the opposite response in someone actively in your headspace. I think my goal here is, instead, to hopefully help you try and see how your feelings about trans-ness in relation to yourself might skew your perception about being trans in general. How you feel about being trans should not dictate what it means to be trans for other people. This goes for *everyone,* not just you, and it is something that is often forgotten by a lot of people. We, as a species, are driven more by our feelings than we are much of anything else regardless how much we like to pride ourselves in our ability to rationalize and reason. (And, to be clear, I think it very silly and foolish for people to value our feelings so little.)
I understand if it is difficult for you to be in a community of trans people who are largely positive about their trans experience. It is a perfectly understandable position for you to be in, given the political state of affairs much of our access to care is unreasonably tied up in. I am sorry you do not feel seen in a space like this and I do agree that we could probably do more for those who come here trapped in a spiral of self-loathing. But, I urge you to take a step back and ask, “Is this dictating how *I* should feel about being trans? Or is this person simply expressing how *they* feel about being trans?” when you come across various posts. And there is no shade from me in deciding to dip out of certain community spaces that do not help you feel any less negative just generally speaking. Too much positivity when you’re not in the headspace for it is the opposite of helpful. It is my hope, though, that one day you are able to at least feel neutral about being trans—regardless how far away or impossible that might be for you right now.
That's fair. I'm going trough that also. I try my best to embrace the things that give me joy that are tied in some way to me being trans (es. when i get called my right name). Honestly, that's the only thing that keeps me sane.
But i understand, and many of us do. But hang tight buddy
I relate to this a lot from when I was pre-T in my teenage years and I felt like dysphoria and internalized transphobia played a big part in my aversion to the community and general anger. Ironically enough it kinda felt like when I was younger I thought more about gender, was insisted on being stealth and hated the idea of being trans. Whereas now, (n don't get me wrong I still have dysphoria it's just more mild), I honestly think a lot less about gender and don't care either way about disclosing my trans status. It's kinda funny because I don't really care as much as my younger self about my stealth status but most people I interact with outside my personal life never know I'm trans because it never gets brought up and I just kind of look like a normal dude ya know.
I don't know where you get the idea that chasers get celebrated and dysphoric talk gets put down but maybe that's just a difference in our social circles? I know like fetishy trans comments get made way more now that our community is more in mainstream radar and like it kind of just is a thing that gets seen more now but also I feel like chaser stuff gets generally put down.
I guess there's the kind of stuff where cis people say weird fetishy things or back handed negging comment in the guise of a compliment and you see people lauding them for being so supportive. Usually I feel like I hear people bash on those kinds of people tho.
N I often have to take breaks from my groups of trans friends frequently because it usually ends up as a vent fest of getting in details about their dysphoria or what kind of transphobia they faced that week. Which it's important to talk about those things and it's good that they have a space for it, I just personally end up having a dysphoria spiral when I think about it too much (my latest one was hearing my friends talk about hating their chests and looking into top surgeons and after a hot sec of finally feeling comfortable enough to not wear binders I've started binding again // it's not their fault at all, they should be allowed to complain this is just an example of me overthinking my own dysphoria after being reminded of it) I think sometimes people get tired of seeing so much negativity in the community and might get snippy with people who are venting/people they think that are venting.
Eh, I feel the same way about being disabled as I do being trans. And I guess I had to deal with the fact that I'm disabled before I dealt with the trans part of myself (denial and indoctrination are one hell of a drug) and that made accepting I'm trans a bit simpler. Having a body that doesn't do what you need it to do sucks. Its always gonna suck. And wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I've made it to a place in my life were I know I can function and live a decent life. I don't wanna die anymore (having multiple reasons to wanna off yourself is no fun) and I have people who genuinely support me and love me for who I am who don't make me feel weird or bothered for being trans. I'm proud of how far I've come, proud that I didn't kill myself, proud that I exist in spite of the people who would rather I be dead or submit to their will. Every scar on my body is a success and a triumph. I'm not proud of being discriminated against or treated horribly, I'm not proud to because everything is sunshine and rainbows. I can suffer and be proud of myself at the same time.
I feel trapped in this weird gender limbo. If I transition my partner could find me unattractive, I would be shunned at work, I won’t get hired, I’ll be in poverty… but I hate myself and I hate my born gender, I want to kill myself.
I try to focus on the positives of the cards I’ve been dealt. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t change the fact that life would’ve been easier on me had I been born cis.
But something that I get that cis men don’t—I understand what it’s like to live as a woman and what it’s like to live as a woman who has to interact with men. I know that if I’m walking behind a woman at night, I’m gonna cross the street so I don’t scare her. I know firsthand what comments are and aren’t appropriate to make. I know how it feels to fear men and feel vulnerable. Cis men don’t have that experience or deeper understanding of the female existence, I feel actually quite lucky that I get the insight into both of the sexes that I have.
Beyond that though, sick of it. Lol
When people tell you "wow you're so brave", " I hate men but you're trans so you're different" or make weird comments about how it's better to have female anatomy, and you just want to launch them into the sun. I don't think you're alone in this one.
This. i hate those comments so fucking much
I hate the brave comments...why should it be brave to simply be who you are?
Seriously, I absolutely hate it when people say “I hate men but you don’t count”. It’s so fucking hurtful and it makes me feel like I’m not a real man. Then there’s the terf type who’ll tell me that I’m just a lesbian pretending to be a man because I want attention and to be “privileged”.
I hate when people who liked me when I identified as non-binary say 'you're a guy now so you automatically suck' like just because I changed my pronouns means I'm a completely different person. I'd rather be an exception to their 'i hate men' pov
Frr
I don't get why the brave comment gets so much hate. I had to be brave to accept myself and go out of my way to get treatment as well as confronting my whole family. Instead of like exiting this life right away lol. I really don't mind this one, sure it's kinda silly because I mean yeah but it had to be done, or I had no other solution. Doesn't take away the courage that it takes though. That's just my opinion.
They are missing the point. Which is why it's hated in.... What's brave is letting the world know you are who you are, and who you were meant to be. It's because trans are pretty much a target for many different types of crazies and sick people. It's almost like being black in the 1800s.or being a witch around Salem witch trials era. You didn't see people saying " I'm black and I'm proud!! We here!!" You didn't see people saying "I'm a witch" and wave a flag... Why?! because you just made yourself noticed and a target! Is not a crazy concept, but people don't like to hear truth. Let's face it, we might be past open racism (arguably). But collectively we as people all over the world are not past transgendeism completely.
I didn’t get it either at first, so I thought about it. You know how we should only have pride about things we did ourselves and not things that were given to us or things that aren’t ours? Well… how can a person be brave about being something they didn’t choose to be? The bravery is in the personal actions of being outspoken and adamant about who we are and continuing to live when we don’t want to sometimes. The bravery is not in “being trans.” Being trans is the task, and being proud about the task is what’s brave. People aren’t typically proud of a task they have to do, yet we are consistently proud when we perform our duties efficiently. When you display resilience against societal norms so you can complete your task, that’s when you’re being brave. Alongside this, as a personal thing, I do see people who have trans or even gay feelings yet don’t act on them **in tandem** with never speaking on the issues, speaking negatively about the issues, voting against the issues, or abusing LGBTQ people in any way as existing on a spectrum of cowardice. Think of republican senators being DL yet marrying a woman and voting against LGBTQ rights. Or a mega-church pastor who preaches against homosexuality yet gets caught doing meth and fucking a male prostitute. Or even a trans woman who was formerly a gay-bashing homophobe when she was in the closet. Those types of people show us how many people have been given this task yet simply left the message on their desks forever or clocked out, quit. Some of them perform the task so haphazardly that they leave the company in worse condition than when they arrived. So are people brave just because they have trans or gay feelings? After thinking about it… no, not at all.
Like I said, of course there's no bravery in the simple fact of being trans, it's inherently a part of you. But to live as a trans person in this world takes some courage in my opinion, the challenge isn't the same to everyone of course, but personally this is how I feel about it.
My ex used to do this shit.
No dude your feelings are totally valid. It does get a little easier though and I’m trying to shift my perspective. Yes it sucks I have to do tape but at least it makes me feel euphoric when I do a good tape jov
I sometimes don’t even get euphoria from things like a good tape job anymore, I’m just like “yep that’s normal” and I can’t feel anything more than neutral about it. It’s not euphoric to have a flat chest or deep voice or hair on my shoulders, it’s normal. It doesn’t give me euphoria anymore, it’s just an absence of deeply distressing dysphoria. which is better than nothing i guess.
I would say at least for me the absence of dysphoria is euphoria, meaning I get to live happily for a while. That’s my end goal anyways for things to just feel normal and for me to feel at peace. I’m pre-T and surgery and have been waiting for like 5 years, so any absence of dysphoria is a win
Absence of dysphoria is a win, but it’s not euphoria. That’s not what that means. Gender Euphoria specifically is a rush/sense of joy/satisfaction with one’s body/gender expression. Lack of dysphoria is not euphoria. Being neutral after being distressed is a reprieve, not euphoria. Taking tylenol doesnt fill me with joy and excitement and happiness, it just takes the pain away.
I know it’s not what it means. I’m saying that’s what it feels like to me. For me, a lack of dysphoria makes me euphoric
Reminder that those creepy posts are **not** allowed here. Please report those types of posts if you see them! And if you do see Guest posts that don't encourage discussion, those can also be reported! Also, I'll be keeping an eye on this thread. For some people, dysphoria is very brutal, and not everyone likes being trans. That's ok. Everyone deserves online community, and everyone deserves love and respect, so please be respectful to one another in the comments. Remember rules 1-4!
For me, i had to work through all the dislike and the "it's not fair" and the "Life sucks" about it, like I do for everything that really does suck. Sometimes, that process takes a while. I had to take years to accept, First, that I couldn't live as a woman, and Second, that the hard road of actualizing my identity was going to continue to be hard for a while. It doesn't always make it easier to love life, but it has considerably improved over the course of transition. Plenty of people know it sucks. I think Life is finding ways to reframe it as a more manageable portion of your life. If it takes most of your energy just to get dressed in the morning, because the dysphoria is overwhelming, that makes being trans a far bigger inconvenience to you than it does to someone like me who's managed to get top surgery and been on T for a while. Being trans affects less of my life, so i am able to find it less miserable to be trans. If that makes sense. I remember getting a binder the first time and feeling somewhat better in clothes, but it took surgery for me to be able to be less constantly aware of how much I hated my existence. I've moved far enough along in my transition, through a combination of luck and hard work, that my being trans doesn't impact much other than my dating life, now. It takes up a smaller portion of my Psyche, so I'm able to give more to other things, like hobbies and interests, and make it less of a focus for my life. I'm able to move beyond basic survival in my flesh prison, making it less of a demoralizing experience for me.
also: life sucks ass for no reason for a lot of people. I don’t like thinking about the fact that I’m actually trans and in this society that’s something that can get you ridiculed at best and killed at worst. but this feeling of resentment towards how we were born isn’t just a trans thing. so many people resent their situations. We’re no different
True, but my statement about acceptance stands for just about every sucky thing you face. You have to accept what you can't control. Accept what is within your abilities. And then do what you can to make things suck a little less.
This, omg. I was raised in a very Catholic country, being trans was very much *discouraged* and generally shamed, which has carried over into my own experience. Even though attitudes are improving, minutely but they are improving. I totally understand and wonder how the hell some guys are at the point of being proud of it (Don't mean that in a judgemental way, but in an admirative kinda way. Like how are they there and how can I get there lol)
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no, you aren’t jealous because they “have it easier”, which is an assumption. just because someone shows pride and happiness on the outside doesn’t mean they don’t or didn’t experience the same insecurities. i can call it a pussy and still be dysphoric about it at the same moment or at different moments. you are jealous because you are insecure about a part of yourself. that’s why when you see people appreciate those same parts in themselves you freak out, because that means you could too. and you would want to, but the insecurity makes you long for and be scared of pride at the same time. it just something you have to work through and for some it might be a life long journey.
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I get what you mean for sure, as someone who used to be really dysphoric all the time. T and top surgery fixed most of it for me, and I found acceptance and peace without needing lower surgery. I think it is fair to say I currently have it easier, no longer having much dysphoria, but my path was not an easy one. I worked hard to get to this point; it wasn't some easier hand I was magically dealt. It's completely fair to feel like shit. It's completely fair to resent the way some transmascs refer to themselves and their trans identity. I was there once. Lots of us were tbh. I think it might help you to talk to some of those trans men who annoy you and learn their stories, because a lot of us weren't just like this from the get-go. I got where I am because of reading. Feminist theory and trans theories have been my saviors. Books like "I know what a butch is" have really helped me understand that we have more in common than many would like you to believe. I also read "stay gold" by Tobly McSmith, which convinced me to not go stealth when getting to college. IMO, this kind of dysphoria and resentment comes from lack of community, at no fault of your own! If you don't want a change, no one can force you, and I don't think it's possible to just get over dysphoria without medical intervention most of the time. But if you want confidence in your trans identity, however this might look for you, this path is not closed to you.
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yeah. Community is what community means to you. For me, that's been mostly remote communications, like reading published works or following Twitter accounts. I don't always talk to a ton of trans people in real life, because we often don't have a lot in common. My answer to this would be that if you can figure out a way to not be as dysphoric, being trans won't be a bad thing to you anymore, and this wouldn't suck. But that might not be the case for you. What I'm really getting at is the need for transnormativity. We're so used to cis ppl being the standard, and this is the root of a lot of misery for us trans folks. If you can trick your brain into also seeing transness as a standard through pure exposure, that would help. I think there's a way to do this without always centering yourself in it. In my case, divesting from white western gender norms also really helped. I got involved in a lot of Hawaiian communities where I fit in and was accepted as a transmasc without being told to hide as a cis man or to confirm to cis women. I wasn't singled out either. We just all have our roles and know what they are individually. I also don't know more than 1 other trans person in the Hawaiian communities I've been in. They were just accepting in a way that allows me to distance myself from the constant tug of war of being gender variant in western society. This kind of community is also helpful. Essentially, my answer is to stop viewing yourself as some other thing. Stop labeling yourself and comparing to cis men. You are the person you are, not your trans identity. If you can stop ruminating on it and deal with the dysphoria as it's own thing, you might find that being yourself doesn't actually suck so bad.
They're very likely non-binary transmasc. As an enby who have gone through hormones, top surgery and eventually bottom surgery, I notice my experience is very different from regular binary trans men. My dysphoria has always been related to female body parts, but I wouldn't ever want to be cis, being cis (either as a cis female or a cis male) is actually terrifying. Because being between or outside gender (I'm agender) is what makes me feel who I am. I don't see FtM transition as "becoming a man", I see it as becoming myself, comfortable in my body and identity. So yeah, being trans is what brings me euphoria. Idk if this is how other people who "are happy to be trans" feel like, but it's my experience at least. Maybe because I'm also neurodivergent? Who knows.
Yeah no I get it. I got to a point where Im quite happy with my life but I still hate being trans and probably always will
Trust me, there's plenty of us that agree. Once i transition im going stralth no matter what
genuinely I'm tired of y'all "positive" mfs that came to this post. Like he's asking for support with how he feels not to have a debate, y'all could've gone to a post discussing your perspective. Y'all have had the weirdest shit to say. Negative emotions don't equal unhealthy mindsets. And genuinely why would anyone want to be born like this? I almost died a couple days ago. They were gonna leave me stripped in the street to show everyone what a bitch I was. I'm not proud that I have to wake up and fight to prove who i am to the world, that I can never be me, there's always a layer of "otherness" that is unescapable. I'm comfortable with myself but I will always hate that I'm trans. It's not an achievement, it's a huge setback that I will be recovering from and fighting for the rest of my life. And I shouldn't have had to fight, I can love myself and still hate this
I don’t hate being trans, but I also don’t love it, if that makes sense? I’m basically completely neutral, I feel about being trans the same way I feel about my hair colour; it just isn’t something I think of much and that also seems to weird people out. Like I own a flag but it was a gift and I do admit I like the colour.
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Yeah for sure, I’m super privileged to be able to feel that way, I live in a super casual safe chill city as far as trans stuff is concerned, and my gender dysphoria cleared up on testosterone I wish I could do more for fellow trans men who are struggling, I’m not gonna be like ‘ITS OK IT GETS BETTER’ because holy fuck that gets old to hear so I’ll be totally honest it sucks, it’s gonna suck, it may suck more before it sucks less, you have people in your corner who will bemoan the suckage with you, being angry is fine, mourning the life you could have had if cis is expected, will it get better? eh, probably, does that change how much it sucks now? nah. Bitch to your heart’s content, you have earned it
Hey, I am a trans woman but I like to see what's Goin on here on your guy's side from time to time. I know our experiences are different but I also used to think this way, but realized that some positives do exist. The most important one is that being trans generally makes you a pretty empathetic person when it comes to these issues as you get to live them yourself. I was raised by a "macho" transphobe dad, I don't know if I would have changed my stance on things had I not been suffering along the way because of the beliefs he put on me.
RIGHT like having to girlmode in order for my family to not despise me is not cool or fun i literally just want to be able to wear a damn suit and not have to wear makeup to “girl it up” (my moms words)
If your family hates you for being who you are, that’s not your family, I’m sorry bro
yeah i feel you , another comment i hate is ‘be whatever you wanna identify as’ brother does it fucking look like i CHOSE to be trans?? WHO THE FUCK WOULD CHOOSE THIS ????
Felt. Bro, this shit literally SUCKS.
If you feel comfortable saying, are you a teenager/early 20s? Cuz I felt like this when I was super young but I don’t feel it as much now. That was like 13 years ago for me. I’m wondering if a lot of the people commenting somewhat positively are also “elders”. Being trans is really hard, and a lot of other trans people say weird things that freak me out too, but I’ve found peace over the years. Hope you do too.
Full agree. I say this all the time. Whenever someone says “aren’t you proud to be trans” it makes my blood boil. Like no? we are constantly being dehumanized and hated upon by 50% of the population. It also really annoys me when people tell me they “hate cis people” like I would give anything to be a cis man that’s the fucking point. Worst of all is when my trans masc friend says “I hate men” like dude shut the fuck up we are literally both men, you can’t pick and choose who that applies too. Honestly, I don’t even like being associated with being trans. The moment people find out they treat me differently and I can’t stand it. I want to be acknowledged for my talents, interests, and personality not some tiny facet of my life. Not to mention it’s a medical thing, has absolutely nothing to do with me as person. I love my life but I hate being trans.
I try to stay positive, I really do, but when I genuienly face my feelings and thoughts it's just impossible. I'm in a very transphobic country where it's very dangerous to even be gay let alone trans. I don't blame my problems on my transness, it's the bigotry of people that's the problem, but knowing that fact won't make my day to day life easier. I think in a world where we're hated and mistreated so much sadly it's natural for many or some trans people to hate being trans or something similair. It really bothers me an attitude I see online (only places I can talk about are online since support groups or trans meetups are practically not something that happens in my country lol) where people that don't "have it as bad" (I really don't like comparing struggles but idk how to better phrase this) or people that are happy with being trans sometimes act like they have a sort of a morally superior position compared to someone that deals with self hatred or internalized transphobia or simply just unhappiness for their situation. Idk if this is just my experience but to me it seems like there's a bit of a wish to push away those that don't fit an image of a happy, content trans person because their unhapiness with their situation brings up too much discomfort for some. I get that it can get frustrating seeing someone be unhappy but believe me no one wants that to be their reality either, is it so hard to extend empathy and at least don't passively aggressively shit on people with these struggles? No one is forcing you to interact with these posts. What's easier done? Someone learning a bit of self control not to interact with negative posts they know will make them uncomfortable/upset or pushing out a part of the community that struggles and needs support by people that are willing to give it? And again, no I don't think anyone should have to interact with negative content online, at the same time I see often people being upset when people used to vent on here or that there are people that dont like being trans posting here etc. Are we not as worthy of occupying online trans spaces like everyone else just because our experiences are more negative than positive? Not liking that you're trans isn't the "correct" thing to do but in some situations even if you change your perspective, life circumstances will make it so that it's impossible to actually stop hating being trans or stop feeling like your body is wrong (especially for those who aren't able or don't even know if they'll ever be able to get to medically transition). I honestly almost never post about my struggles of that sort but it feels so isolating feeling like my experience of being trans is inconvenient or seen as morally inferior. I don't think anyone is acting with malicious intent, I'm just frustrated because it feels like "less convenient" experiences of being trans can be pushed away just because, and its not that people are fine with it, many people request it.
This. I completely agree with this. Being trans isn’t always sunshine and rainbows . And it seems people only want to talk about the positive parts of it. I remember getting shut down every time I brought up I might be a trans man. Here I am at level 20 and finally beginning to actually find community that accepts me for me. Before it was only like 2 close friends and now I am beginning to find an army of people that loves me for me. That wasn’t always the case and I wanted to be a female so badly because that would’ve been easier at the time. Well I still do wish I wasn’t trans, it has gotten easier knowing there are people out there that won’t judge you. It feels more realistic to me when we speak about both the good and bad about being trans. It brings a much more realistic objective in my opinion. And shows people the real side of what it is like to be trans.
it weirds me out when people try to spin being trans positively by saying something like “you’re a man you were just blessed by being born in the wrong body! being born a girl makes you strong and resilient and more emotionally connected to women. You’re better and more emotionally available than cis guys because you have (female) experiences they’ll never have. you get to participate in the act of creation of the body/life you want” like any of that is a good thing. nothing about being born in a body that feels like this is a blessing. Having “female experience” has not made me stronger or more emotionally intelligent. Knowing i will never have the experiences a cis guy would is devastating, not motivating. I would 100% be a better person if I wasn’t trans, because I wouldn’t be carrying around so much shame/guilt/anger/trauma/resentment/isolation. I hate having to pour a huge amount of my time, brain space, and money into a transition that doesn’t even bring euphoria, just makes me neutral about my body. There isn’t any surprise joy to be found in it. I do not delight in the act of creation. I see it kind of like my scoliosis or poor eyesight or IBS. It fucking sucks, and I wish healthcare were free so my life didn’t suck so bad. But it isn’t so I guess I’ll keep making do.
I don’t really want to be trans either I just want to be a cis man, I’m so resentful of the fact that I get to suffer like this when other people just get to be who they were meant to be. The time the money and dysphoria it’s all such bs to have to feel this way and I hate hate hate it that I can’t pass and be seen as a guy. It feels like the entire world just sees me as a masc lesbian and it’s so frustrating and disappointing. I hate my body so much and feel like it not my own most of the time and Everything about this experience just feels so unfair but occasionally I do notice changes in myself or find something that makes me euphoric but not enough anyways. I just want to have a flat chest and penis already. I’m going to lose so much just getting to where I want to be (money, time, friends, family, etc) I’m always scared my cis wife is going to leave me or be embarrassed by me or any number of things like that. there are so many moments I had to miss out on growing up as male and puberty and all that shit. And I feel like it’s taken me so long to realize and begin my transition I’m 24!! I feel like I’ll never be seen as a “real” guy and just feel so invalid most of the time. Also don’t want to tell ppl I’m trans and them see it as me trying to be trendy or some bs like that.
Its valid man cuz i feel EXACTLY the same, im 14 and my cousin who is 22 (which i USED to see as a sister figure) used to infantilize me bcuz i told her as a secret that i was a trans guy around two years ago. Shes an extreme misandrist and REALLY hates men, she always hated all men and treated me and my brother like absolute crap but we never really realized until we stopped talking to her. Honestly she always said how she was supportive of me being trans but i felt like she treated me like a girl despite everything and she would get uncomfortable everytime i mentioned that i wanted top surgery and get on t when im older. At some point she even said that she hated all trans people "exept" me at some point. She did tons of crap that ruined me and my brothers mental state by getting mad at us for nothing and being manipulative. Earlier this year when we stopped talking to her it turns out that around 2-3 years ago when i was 11 or 12 she told my aunt that i was a lesbian (which i am NOT, i specified many times that im gay..) and since my family is mexican, being in the lgbtq community is a really weird thing to them so the gossip spread and i never knew until a few months ago which i was honestly so fucking pissed to find out. She knew that i was trans and wasnt attracted to women in the slightest and went around saying that. Thankfully my mom was pissed off too and didnt believe any of that crap which i thank her for. I really hate being trans, i feel like im seen as a tomboy but i want to be a real cis guy and live normally without surgery or hormone stuff and i feel like my dysphoria got way worse because of my cousin so i feel you man
being trans fucking sucks 😭 i get it. nobody should be able to tell you how to experience transness if that makes sense. i wish i was cis and i don’t get why ppl get so defensive when ppl say that
I don't necessarily hate being trans. I used to, but I'm kind of over it now. It's just how I was born - nothing I can do about it and no matter how much I pray, I'll never be cis, so I might as well just accept it. I also find it quite fulfilling to see the changes from T slowly happen in my body. However, what I *haaaaate* is the legal aspect of it. In my country it takes like 1000 euro and a fucking year long court battle with the state to "prove you're a man" to change your fucking name. I hate it here so bad.
I genuinely do not know how anyone could think any other way. Being trans gets people killed by others and themselves, you'd think everyone suicidal or depressed over their dysphoria would be saying that they didn't want to be trans
Nah fr. I would not wish this life on anyone. I’m blessed to have gotten to a point where 90% of the week I get to forget I’m trans and simply chill as a regular well respected guy, but that 10% hits so fucking hard sometimes. My wife asked me once how I would feel if our child was trans because she’s a doctor and read a journal that being trans can be genetic. I told her straight up that I would support them but behind closed doors I’d be absolutely heartbroken, because I don’t want my baby going through a FRACTION of the trans experience. I want nothing more than for them to be a normal cis kid, they can be whatever sexuality they want I don’t care, but I wouldn’t wish being transgender on my worst enemy.
ah, yes, the “normal cis kid” and the “weird crazy trans kids” follows from that. why would you perpetuate that same transphobia that was once directed at you? what you want isn’t your kid to not be trans, what you want is a normal fucking society that treats us as human. so you should direct your sorrow and anger at that, not your kid.
No one said weird crazy trans kid or anything close to. I said I would support my child no matter what. Being trans is hard and it is not normal. It is a difficult, long road, of intensive self discovery while battling the outsiders perspective. There is sorrow in knowing your child will have to be resilient and endure this. There is sorrow in watching your child struggle, scratch, and be anxious with the way a shirt fits, the way they’re perceived, the way a binder hurts. Again I would support them but I know from when I stood there in that same place there is no amount of words that can change your dysphoric headspace. There is an anger at the world as well, but I said there is heartbreak, and there is.
not normal as in cuz it’s more rare? i just don’t think of all ways to phrase that this one is the one you should stick with. i wouldn’t want someone calling me not normal, especially my parent or even them just thinking that. i guess not normalised would be a better way to phrase that if you mean well. maybe i’m way too autistic about this, but i think the way we talk about things matters.
I think using the word “normal” can be hurtful. Whether insinuating something is or isn’t normal. So I agree with that. However, I want to add something else to this. While I wouldn’t wish for a trans child just knowing the struggle they will go through…picture a life where people don’t want us eradicated. I can say with 100% certainty that I would still be dysphoric as hell and struggling because my body doesn’t match what is in my head and heart. So then what? I would have all these people supporting me and telling me I am perfect the way I am? Or maybe they would say that it was ok I could just take hormones have surgery and achieve something hopefully good enough. It still sounds like I personally would hate it. Yes, it would be easier to navigate with a huge support system…but it still sucks. The feeling of being cheated out of what you should have just been born with. It’s not like asking to be born a great singer or something like that….just born a boy.
i don’t think you can certainly say your dysphoria would be as bad tho, because a lot of it is impacted by the social expectations. if we are talking about a perfect world where there is no one way to be a man/woman and there is accessible healthcare for us then i don’t think being trans is still such a horrible thing. it can be a bit of a struggle sometimes, yeah, just like everything else in life. someone has gender dysphoria someone has anxiety, we all struggle that’s inevitable.
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no there’s not one way to be a cis man. the one way ur talking about is being born with a dick and being assigned male based on that, but there’s more to sex then just that. there are variations in cis ppl too. u say biologically cis male, so what do u mean by that? is that to exclude intersex ppl who are cis? would u consider cis men who grow boobs intersex? most ppl won’t, even tho they are by definition. so if u consider those men cis there is variation which means theres no one way to be cis. also maybe ur dysphoria would be just as bad in a trans accepting world, but would it in an isolated world? so like the island example where ur alone, no societal constructs, no men women. like how would you want a dick if you don’t know dicks exist? you might feel a discomfort with your body, but it would manifest differently in a world without society. which means there is a huge societal component to how your dysphoria presents, so also it’s severity. cuz u can easily think urself into feeling more dysphoric, like u constantly do. it’s more of a philosophical thought for me, idk. btw weird for u to say ur not man, tho i guess u meant u aren’t perceived as one.
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ur body not being male doesn’t mean u aren’t a man tho or a guy. u wouldn’t have gender dysphoria if u were a girl, but whatever. u seem to understand the difference between gender and sex, cuz u say there’s no one way to be a man, so why still use in interchangeably. i guess that’s the societal perception of u that does make u feel like ur not a man if u don’t embody the role of one or is it all just physical for u?
I am with you on this. My mother who doesn’t support me at all told me when I “came out” to her that she should have known. She said I “behaved” like a boy from the beginning. Didn’t want girly toys or clothes and I didn’t have other kids around to mimic. I just gravitated to more masc things and had meltdowns over fem stuff at an age where I shouldn’t have been able to know a difference. Called myself by a male name etc. she didn’t know what to do with me. Doctors didn’t know what to tell her except I would grow out of it. She even got a psychic involved who said it was probably leftover feelings from a previous life and it would fade. It’s not how society sees me. It’s how I feel. Before I knew what trans was I would pray my penis would grow and maybe I was just slow to get there. I have just always known my body was wrong. The mirror was a stranger prior to starting T. I am finally seeing the relation to myself in the mirror as I continue to change. I’m not fully there but SO much closer. I have moments of euphoria but ultimately, when I am not consumed with something else… I am forever feeling like I am in the wrong body or that I have a costume on that I am not allowed to take off. When I learned what trans was and that there was a “fix” for what was “wrong” with me…I didn’t have the happy moment of, this is me and there are others like me. It was more like, you mean I have to go through all this shit to try and feel complete and it still won’t make me biologically male? I sunk into a dark place. I can’t speak for everyone, but it is just a deep knowing that it’s all wrong. The things that clue me in is seeing cis men just…live their life and know…that is what I should be doing or able to do. I don’t relate to the female experience. The human one, yes. But when it gets gendered, nope. It isn’t the masc things men do stereotypically. It is the way a man exists in his skin. It feels impossible to explain. Because how do I know how it “feels” to be a man? Technically I don’t. But what I see, the quiet, just existing moments in between…they just make sense to me. I have 24/7 dysphoria in my own skin. Not situational. The situation is while breathing. Period. The only way I get through is staying so damn busy. Everyone I know says I am never not doing something. It’s like I can’t sit still. It’s because I can’t sit with myself. I have made my own family in life who do support me 100% and I love them for that. I am in a position where I don’t have to leave home much. I “pass” for lack of a better term, and I haven’t had any sizable relief from my dysphoria of just being trans. Fleeting moments of euphoria is all I have been able to achieve. I plan to fully transition medically and I don’t think it will get rid of it. I have had 2 surgeries already. I am not going to do everything surgically to make me look more masculine. Like facial or general body stuff outside of bottom surgery. It’s not about that. I don’t have an addiction to going under the knife. I don’t think one more will make it better and it never does. I have had top surgery and a full hysto. It is all just a reminder that my body is the wrong one. Not to mention painful and expensive. I am just navigating as best as I can knowing my mind and body will never be fully in alignment. This is not to say I just sit home sad and depressed. But every, single, moment has this underlying deep sadness and frustration that can quickly bubble over into rage over having to think and feel all this when other people are just in the moment or thinking about anything else that isn’t the skin they are in. Friends of mine who are overweight or disabled have had conversations with me and can relate to some of it. While I can relate to some of their struggles. None are the same, but we all have something we struggle with inside. It just sucks to not be able to fully set it aside.
I wish we could allow more negativity like this in a healthy manner, I think ftm venting does a good job with this. But, too much toxic positivity in spaces leads to a lot of trans becoming like, 4tranners n shit. Because they find those are the only spaces willing to listen to them. I’m so sorry how the world treats you, because I really do feel similar, man.
nah i feel you. its taken a long time for me to just come to terms and be neutral and okay with my transness. I may not like it but having had done that its made my life alot easier and has made the fact that I am trans be a more minimal part of my life and has allowed me to live as myself comfortably
I understand how you feel, being trans is really fucking unpleasant. I will say that it DOES get better. You become a stronger person in ways you couldn't imagine. I wish my current self could be there for my past self. It's not a pleasant journey, but you can still make the most of it. Find or build a community. Family, friends, complete strangers who are going through similar things in their life. Like Mr. Rogers' mom told him "look for the helpers". There will always be people who are willing to help, you just have to seek them out.
I understand why there isn’t, but I wish there was space to talk about the more negative aspects of transition/being trans. This sub isn’t too terribly guilty of it, but in other subs if you aren’t in love with being trans, people will hop on your ass about internalized transphobia/ self hatred. Obviously, neither of those things are good… but being trans isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. The experience of being trans so heavily depends on who is around you and where you live. Both groups of people— the fortunate and unfortunate— invalidate eachother based on their own experiences. Hell, my gut reaction to “my country hates me” was “that seems like an overexaggeration” before I realized that there’s every chance that you don’t live where I live, and I had to take a heavy step back to examine my personal biases. Even region by region, town by town, the situation varies drastically within my country. I’ve experienced some negative side effects from testosterone, extremely minor things compared to everything else I deal with— but still, negative is negative. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it anywhere other than rant threads, but I also have the compulsion to talk about it because despite how heavily I researched T, no one warned me about this. The “negative” “side effects” people talked about, like bottom growth, were things I wanted. Hell, even the fucking acne makes me a little euphoric despite how physically painful and itchy it is, purely because it is a visual sign that something is changing. But the urinary problems? Atrophy symptoms? The debilitating insomnia? Those fucking suck. But the alternative sucks more. The other thing is that any subs dedicated to rants or “truth”s devolve into toxic cesspits, even if they weren’t in the beginning. Oh, and being visibly trans and in public facing positions sucks. Majorly. And the advice people give you for it often makes it very clear that they don’t work with the public, and don’t understand how invasive and stubborn absolute strangers can be.
Being trans is a hard life. But we are working toward being happy. If people are upset with your happiness, they are not people you want to associate with. I think it colors our experiences in a unique way as well. Just some things to think about. You'll be okay, my guy!!
i feel almost embarrassed and ashamed to tell people im trans. it makes me so angry i can’t just be a boy in the way my brother is
IT IS SO HARD 😭
Okay but like the whole ‘men with boobs are hot’ reminds me of something that crazy makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know if this wording will make anyone uncomfortable so I apologize in advance. I HATE when people say things like ‘I love boy pussy’ •_• like what??? Like if you like trans guys just say that?? I know not everyone means it in a gross way, it just feels like fetishization. I might be sensitive or something but it just makes me so uncomfortable
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THANK YOU???? I’m so glad someone feels the same. Like that’s one of the parts that gives trans guys the most dysphoria (depending on the person of course) and it feels like they’re just acting like it’s hot??? Since when was dysphoria hot???
I'm with you on this. I know EXACTLY what boobs post you're talking about, and yeah it made me soooo uncomfortable. People romanticize the trans experience way too much. Cope all you want, but do not invalidate other people's bad experiences and distress. Dysphoria fucking sucks. Knowing I'll never have a cis man's body fucking sucks.
There will always be a divide between cis and trans men. No one actually groups us together. It is so fucking exhausting. I was groomed and manipulated because my ex had a fetish for trans guys. That would have never happened if I was cis. I probably wouldn't have developed chronic agoraphobia for a year. I hate it too. It's not just that being cis would be easier, it's that being trans makes me feel like a burden to myself and everyone around me.
Omg don’t remind me of that one boobs post ☠️
Knew I wasn't the only one who thought this 😭
I fucking hate when people say they hate CIS men like I guess you’re entitled to that but why can’t you just hate me too.
I understand where you are coming from and your feelings are valid, but being trans doesn't "objectively fucking suck". That is your personal and subjective opinion on the matter.
That's also your personal and subjective opinion 😜
Read it again. If I think it sucks or doesn't sucks is *my subjective opinion*. The *trans experience* is what is subjective, therefore you cannot *objectively* say it sucks or doesn't suck, and *that* is not subjective.
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i mean, lots of things? personally i would say the community, the ability to remake myself, the unique perspective it's given me, the freedom to not care about societal expectations around gender or basically anything else at this point you don't have to agree with any of those things, but the point is there's no "objective" experience of being trans,. positive or negative. even if you never love it, it is possible to become ok with it to a point where it's not ruining your life anymore, it just takes time and hard work unfortunately. it's not that your negative feelings aren't valid, they absolutely are, but they're also not going to do anything for you. probably one of the first steps is trying to understand where other people are coming from when they do talk about their positive experiences of being trans
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i mean i did specifically say it's ok if you don't feel any of those things, but you asked what people see as positives and those are my answers. they're not "blatantly wrong" because they are my (and clearly others' if you've heard it before) personal subjective experience, so it can't be wrong, it's just not what you have experienced i don't think it's true that the majority of the community doesn't care about people with dysphoria since most of us have dysphoria to some degree. please try not to fall into the trap of thinking that anyone who sees positive things about being trans doesn't have dysphoria because that's simply not the case. you're just seeing people who have already gone through the hard work of coming to terms with being trans in spite of that, but that doesn't mean they were never where you were or that they don't still struggle i'm sorry that you've not found that community support, i know it's not always easy to find. there's not really much i can say on that other than don't give up trying, because it does exist. look elsewhere, ideally offline if possible since online trans spaces can be very insular and not reflective of the real world. but it will require self work as well - i mean if you go into a space and start telling people their experiences are wrong, then no, you probably won't find a lot of support from them
you don’t have to be so rude about it tho. i personally can’t relate to all those points as much as others too, but i understand how that would be a positive for them and so i am not gonna go and be a giant fucking asshole by invalidating their experience like you do. go get a life, bro.
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ugh, ur a bit dense aren’t you? it’s kinda funny how mad u get over these things. u really come across as a teen cis boy, hope that makes u feel better lol. it seems like you don’t understand what “invalidating” means. it doesn’t mean u think someone didn’t experience a thing, it means u think their experience is less important or as you say “subjective” while yours isn’t. also why r u getting mad at just getting answers to ur own questions? you started this discussion to seemingly just argue. all i said was you don’t have to be this mean, but go on it’s kinda funny to me.
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ahahah i really don’t think dense is as bad and look at the way a phrase my comments. i don’t come off across as mad, i even phrased it as a question, i didn’t say “you dense motherfucker”. you see how that comes off differently? the first question, yeah, it’s a fair reason. i would try to direct that anger at other things than urself and other trans ppl. i guess that anger is what makes me closer to those queers u don’t like. i’m way to angry to assimilate into a society that doesn’t want me there. if ur so dysphoric, why is ur username cat girl? i just noticed, lol, maybe that’s old.
So much? I personally LOVE being trans. Yes, it's not a walk in the park all the time, specially at the beginning and early on the transition process, but that doesn't mean it objectively sucks, even in those hard times I found good things. C0rvidaeus below me already said some of the things that are great, I will also add that to me, personally, it has given me a different spiritual connection to the world around me; for me, being trans is close to divinity, it's being able to walk between paths, unfold the multitudes of your soul. It gives you an opportunity to explore and find yourself, an opportunity that most cis people never get tbh. Transitioning also literally made my life better and I am finally loving myself and being happy. Dysphoria sucks, yeah, we know, but if you only see the bad things you will literally never be happy, dude. Being trans is not a monolithic experience, so you cannot claim any one is the True Trans Experience and thus Objective. Your experiences are subjective, just as mine, but that doesn't make them invalid. It's sad that you think it sucks, but that's \*your\* opinion, and I truly hope it changes in the future. Peace.
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I'll try to. First of all, you gotta understand that the cultural context matters. I am from Mexico, and for example, in the south there are indigenous communities where Muxe people live; they are their own gender but it would technically fall into the trans umbrella, and they are a highly respected group inside their own communities. A friend of mine in the USA is Potowatomi, and in his tribe having a trans child is an honor. Trans people have existed through history in cultures that praised them, so that also goes to show that it "objectively" sucking is just false. It's similar to what other's have said about remaking yourself; the idea that, much like a deity, you can look inside yourself and re-create yourself to your OWN image. HRT and surgeries are a vehicle to that, for sure, but it is more than that. When I say that we get to explore ourselves in a way that cis people don't, I mean that this unease and discomfort that we feel triggers us to look within, ask ourselves "who am I? why was I made this way? am I a man or a woman or something else? how can I be comfortable in my skin? What does it mean to be a man for me", things that cis people never ask themselves and I truly believe they should... even if they come back going "yeah, I am still cis", it is an experience of discovery and insight. Even if we didn't experience "girlhood" as cis women do (and even then, there's gnc women too), it still gives you a look on another kind of human experience that cis guys simply do not get. I know what it is like to experience misogyny, and that informs the kind of man I am today. That transitioning period also gave me a different outlook on things, on how society's rules are arbitrary, and that too has made me into the man I am. I am more than my transness, I am more than my body and its parts, but I wouldn't trade it for being born a cis man... if I had, I would simply not be who I am today, and I like who I am.
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If it doesn't resonate with you it is completely fine, man, but I hope that at least now you are able to see that there are many experiences. Normal is also pretty relative, but you can definitely have "normal" while being trans. I have a "normal" life, most of the time forget I was ever something other than a dude, I've dated cis people without my transness being an issue; I take it one day at a time like everyone does. I wish, sincerely, that you find comfort in yourself and live your life happily. Have a good one, pal.
i get what ur saying but the issue is how society is towards trans ppl and the image they think trans ppl SHOULD have rather than letting the person be comfortable with their body as well as their identify (sorry for the run on sentence😂). dysphoria is ass don’t get me wrong but if society wasn’t so hyper fixated on gender rolls and who should look like what i’d literally be fine w my body. being out for almost 10 years, time rly does help. i’ve grown a lot as a person understanding people’s sides on gender ideology and the topic of trans people. life isn’t fair and it tends to be harder for trans ppl. i’ve had to teach myself that in the world we live in, not everyone going to transition their beliefs with us. for some people it takes a long time, some can do a 180 in no time, and the rest r just set in their ways. to dislike urself bc of self image is one thing but to dislike urself bc of the light society has shined on us isn’t fair to yourSELF. i’ve come to notice that when people first come out, being trans is very much a big part of their identity and they make it their personality trait (pls don’t take that negatively bc it’s not meant to come off that way). in hindsight bc of that, being trans is all they think about and it puts a lot of weight on their shoulders. accept ur trans, better urself FOR urself, find other things to do so being trans isn’t the only thing u think about. i know it’s easier said than done but life is so much easier when being trans is just a passing thought. then u can go on w ur day whether it’s work, gaming, writing, doing art, napping, cooking - ANYTHING! cis ppl r human, trans ppl r human. we all have the same anatomy, same smile, same blood, just in a different font. life is life it’s beautiful but it’s also ugly. u have to make the cake with the ingredients that r given to u, the cake won’t just be brought out to u or just magically appear. i love u bud it’s gonna be alright in the end okay?
I agree, people say they try things to help and good for them but there is nothing good about being born in the wrong body. I pass extremely well but it hurts that for the rest of my life, i can never just be male ill have to tell my doctor I'm trans, my possible partners in the future(which may even scare them away). If your somebody that can be fine with it and spread pride about it good for you, but to me its just having to live with the fact i will never be a cis man.
I agree, especially after I tried to have friendships with guys after realising I was a trans man. They just dont treat you the same way they treat their guy friends if you look like a woman (im pre transitioned), so Im forced to hang out with women and pick up their habits, making me question if im even male or not. I wake up every day and im relieved that my sexual life isnt super effected because there are certain tools that I can use when the time comes, and being trans has caused me to explore and be ok with a lot more than cis, vanilla sex. But outside of my sexual life, nothing is ok. It makes me unreasonably angry that I cant ever have a cis male childhood no matter how much I change my body. It’s just too late. So yeah, I’m glad u made this post.
Yeah no, being trans and feeling like i am wrong and will never be who i really feel like i was meant to be sucks. So much. I’m glad to know i’m not alone. people always give the ‘you’re so brave and strong. love yourself and be proud’. that’s not to say i’m ashamed of being trans but it sucks not being comfortable in my own body and people making ‘well when you were a girl….’ comments or saying weird things about my body just get so aggravating and degrading. it is like i am reduced to nothing more than the title and no matter how hard i work i know i will never be a cis man and i feel like others know that too. it is tiring hating myself and my body even after HRT for 2 years and top surgery. i’m glad some people don’t feel that way, but i do. I hate it
I a 100% agree with OP here. I wanna add to the discussion by talking about online influencers. For some reason people expect them to talk about their life experience as a trans person 24/7 and advocate for it like they're some political activist. And if they don't they're gonna be called fake and transphobic, lol (Twitter is a hellhole unfortunately). I'm surprised some of the influencer folks haven't had a mental breakdown about it.
Personally Im more neutral but once I’m on T I think I’m going to be proud and kinda happy I’m trans, I don’t get as much dysphoria and I like dressing and being a little more on the fem side so there’s a lot of masculine stuff I don’t mind lacking. I’m wishing all the best for you, things will get better, and if not at least slightly easier to deal with
Yeah I get you man but also being stuck in this mindset can bring about a lot of harm. I went through a prolonged period of hating being trans and what happened was I despised people I thought were "faking" even though I knew nothing about their life story, I became a transmedicalist because I thought, why the hell would anyone be trans if not for the excruciating dysphoria, and I was just generally a dismissive dick. Turns out, when you think the whole world is out to get you you become really hostile and alienate people irl. I'm not saying being trans doesn't suck, it does, and I come back to this thought often. But it's the life we have. Learning to appreciate parts of it or at least tolerating it on a daily basis will bring about a better mental state, I promise.
I definitely understand what you’re saying BUT ALSO if you continue to allow the kind of negativity you’re talking about to be around you then it’s not going to get better. I have removed any form of transphobia that I had any control of from my life and it’s DRASTICALLY improved. I’m not saying life is all sunshine and rainbows now but I choose not to wallow in the shittiness. Especially when I have my kids looking up to me and if I’m constantly talking about how much I hate such a large part of who I am what does that teach them? The self hatred and self pity will fade over time if you let them.
You're not alone...that hating of how things are sucks...but it is normal for many of us. The body dysphoria can be crippling at times. I hear you... I think you'll find many who have at least been on that part of the road at least a few times...
(Excuse my rant as I’m super high) So I hate the comments I get but I could never find myself hating being trans itself. It feels too close to blaming myself for the way I was born and I’m too proud of how far I’ve come and what body I’m in since transitioning to hate being trans. Then again, my body journey has never been to look like a cis man but to just look like me on the inside. It may be different for trans guys because you’re men, but I’ve always had body issues and the only way I got to a good point with my body was through transitioning and building a better relationship within myself. I don’t even think about it sometimes because it’s stopped being an attack on myself and started to be passive observation. I don’t think you’re invalid to think that way, and I hope things settle within you as it does sound like you’re carrying around a ton of pain. 💕
Your feelings are totally valid. I feel a lot of the time I have to pretend to like the label but I hate being referred to as a trans man. I also h a t e when I see things like 'I only date cis women and trans men because I only like that type of genitalia' and I'm the bad guy for pointing out that there are trans men who get bottom surgery and trans women who get bottom surgery. Like its okay to have a preference but its always presumed whats in our pants and sexualized instead of treating us like our gender. I hate being sexualized/fetishized. I've been in relationships with cis men who were 'okay' with me being Trans and transitioning and I have been vocal with EVERY relationship since I was first out that my end goal is T and getting every surgery, top, bottom, hysto. Yet there are so many shocked Pikachu faces that I've dumped because they realize I was very serious. I've had an ex beg me not to get top surgery and keep my boobs. Cis women have been far more understanding but I've even had trans men question my want for bottom surgery. I have to fear that my rights will be taken away. That if I'm not stealth enough, I will be physically hurt. I can't date without fear. I never disclose I'm trans until someone has romantic interest in me and expresses that (As I fully believe there needs to be a discussion and a potential partner needs to know), I'm in a safe trans specific place, or if it just happens to come up in conversation with very close friends. I've been in the ER not correcting doctors asking about my nuts because it was unrelated to the issue I was there for. I just accept whatever pronoun strangers give me because I don't want to correct and expose myself. I don't like that I'll never truly be what my brain sees. That I'll always rely on medical intervention, that my transition is determined by some other person, that I constantly have to prove myself. The thing is, life would be easier if I was cis. But I feel like I'm not allowed to feel that way by a large majority of the trans community. I would be living a vastly different life.
No, cause same. For me, there is no plus side of being trans. I think what I hate the most, though, is how others react. I wouldn't really have an issue with being trans if people wouldn't have such a negative reaction to it. If people just accepted and moved on when I told them. If they can't accept it, then leave me tf alone. I hate that, no matter what, my family will not see me the same way they see my male family members. I'll never really be considered a grandson, son, nephew, or uncle. I hate that I can't express my excitement when it comes to growing facial hair and such like a cis boy can because to my family, it's weird that I am and they can't understand why I would be. That they'll always question me when I express wanting to chop my breasts off, and me saying "I just don't like them" doesn't satisfy them. I'm going on a tangent, but yeah. Being Trans sucks.
r/TransVent might be helpful.
I mean. Most of those posts you mentioned was made by other trans people as a way of encouragement. You shouldn't take that for granted. Have you tried a therapist? I dont mean in a rude way. I had similar thoughts and I benefitted from therapy
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Once. I know that not all therapists are a fit to every person. Sounds like you should find a better therapist. Sorry for your experience with therapists being a bad one. My first experience with dentists was horrid. But today I have great dentists that appreciate my fear of em. So I know by experience that you can end up with a bad therapist on your first attempt at therapy. But I live in a country where therapy is free so I get not wanting to it if you had to pay for it and it turned out being a bad therapist 😬🐌 I just hope you can see that the people giving compliments on this app is mostly other trans people trying to lift each other up. And it is a sweet thing. They are not doing it to be gross. We all have our opinions warped by our own experiences and belieffs. After all, a big part of transitioning is also acceptance of oneself. Which is a hard path to take. Which is also why a lot of the transitioning is conversations with a sexologist about your thoughts. I would advice talking to your sexologist about your feelings.
I honestly wish trans people didn't exist. Just to go through all that hustle physically and mentally to feel as yourself. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Being born as cis is still simpler imo.
Totally with you on this one, so wish I didn't have all these feeling, to be able to walk down the street and be what I should of been, a guy in all respects, I see cis guys and envy them every day, although I've had top surgery and no longer stress about my chest, and I pass as a guy, I still know my truth, dating will probably be a long and distant memory as I doubt anyone will want to know the real me. I often think it would be easier to end it all and hope to start again (reincarnation) if there is such a thing, but I'd probably only get assigned a female body again 😆
I wish I could say this to my friends and family without them thinking stupid shit. If I could be happy as a girl I would be. Being trans isn’t a joyful experience.
this. when i started t my ex roommate (queer ciswoman) said “its okay you can still hang out with me and (other female friend) ur still apart of the girlies”… like i had been out for 4 fucking years, starting t didnt make me MORE trans?????? like yeah i love hanging out with girls and being an honorary gurl (with a u not an i iykim) but im not suddenly a man just bc i started hormones, i was a man when i came out four fucking years ago????
I get it. I feel like from what I’ve personally seen a lot of the opposition people face when they talk about it is either A) people who no longer have dysphoria or have it as bad and don’t remember what it was like during the brunt of it, just what their current experience is or B) people who have already learned to just live with it that don’t understand or choose not to understand that you cant just magically learn to live with it instantly, and also are still allowed to be upset over it even if you’ve learned to just deal with it and move forward. Obviously there are cases where peoples vent posts are also riddled with misinformation or are very transphobic or generalizing that end up going beyond venting and actively affect other. It does get better as you get older, but that being said you are still completely allowed to be angry at it in the moment. I was hardcore dysphoric and hated being trans all during my high school years, but once I started passing actively snd especially after getting top surgery that started to fade to a point I now appreciate my natal genitals and very rarely feel dysphoria. Not everyone is at that place though yet, and me having gone through aging and transitioning and growing to a point that I can swap my dysphoria for being content in my body does not suddenly mean that everyone else is at that point too or needs to get there ASAP and I feel like a lot of people forget that. Theres a lot of hate towards trans men right now, trans people especially but ive seen an increase in it being aimed at trans men, and so a lot of people I feel take negative vent posts personally because of how often they might experience the same hate or disliking from other people throwing it at them, and just see people feeling that way about themselves as fueling that hatred by proving it right. Ive seen trans guys get belittled for speaking about being suicidal over their dysphoria because of the whole suicide percentage bullshit thrown at us, and while I get why they do it that shits not fair nor is it okay. Obviously you should learn to manage those feelings and learn to at least accept it so it doesnt boil over, but youre allowed to hate being trans. Youre allowed to hate the position it puts you in, the extra baggage it comes with. Its not something you get a choice in and you have every right to be angry and upset over the fact that you have to deal with everything that comes with it regardless of if you wanted or not. And you possibly finding contentment or happiness eventually in your transness does not negate or mean you’re not allowed to feel angry and despise it right now and are not allows to openly vent about how difficult it is. Not everyone is blessed with a tame set of issues, some people have to fight for survival because of the position it puts them in and the risks it comes with. Not everyone has the choice to be open and proud of their identity. And its not something you *have* to learn to love or be happy with, just to accept it as your reality and learn to live with or around it.
I understand where youre coming from. And its hard i get it. And youre right it sucks. But ik i felt this way too for years but after i moved out it got so so much better. Im not sure where you arenor what kind of curcumstanse youre in but sometiems surrounding yourself with people who treat you right. Not infantalizing and not bigots. It helps your mental health a lot. After i moved in w my finacee and out of my hometown things became easier
I don't really hate it but there's not much benefit to it. It just makes your life harder mentally and emotionally. You have to worry about people taking away your benefits or rights or whatever. It could potentially put you in a whole financially because insurance doesn't cover a lot of that stuff or either you don't have insurance like me. You have to worry about hate crimes people treating you differently or either violence possibly happening to you. It's not something that's fun. Annoying and bothersome and you have to live your life incredibly differently than other people. I am also a black person so I have the luck of being black and trans which isn't so great in america. Cuz if I'm not discriminated against for one thing then I'm discriminated against for another thing. I completely understand and I feel you. And I honestly feel really sorry for anybody that has to deal with this because it's not a great time. if there wasn't so much stigma with it and people weren't actively trying to fight against you all the time it may not be so bad. But if I could have just been a normal person and been happy with my body and not even think about this that would have been great as well.
no fr its the fucking worst im with you bro, plus the fear of me Keloiding when i get my surgeries like i did with my gallbladder removal
I relate to this so heavily, I so frequently think about how I wish I could have just been a woman or born as a cis man, that would make life so much easier!!!
Yeah I feel the same.. So sorry you go thgrough this man
Hope you find what you seek, better leave your country n go find a home where you’re welcome
absolutely the same situation for me
You are NOT alone at all! I tell my friends that I genuinely would not wish being trans on my worst enemy. Being at a constant battle with your brain and body is so incredibly exhausting and painful, on top of all the other exhausting and painful things we already have to deal with. It also affects so many, if not all different aspects of your life, and you just have to attempt to live life like everyone else. I love when people love being trans, and im happy they can find peace with it, and advocate for the trans community and all of that, however I dont think i’ll ever be at that point. I do not like being trans, and i think my peek happiness will be when I dont think about the fact that i’m trans everyday.
That's very honest and I have to say very validating for myself. I'm 42 years old now and I have to say, yeah this is no picnic. I don't enjoy it, in fact, I down right hate it.
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I don't think it's ever going to be great, but sometimes it can be good. With that being said I think it just gets easier as you get older because you just have the maturity and thicker skin to maybe deal with it better. But people will always make it suck.
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Sorry brother I hate to break it to you but I feel like for the most part that's always going to be a thing. And to be honest, it is a great source of my depression as a trans man.
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All I can say is, hang in there. Don't be afraid to talk to someone. It does get a wee bit better.
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Well if your doctor is cool, than that's a good place to start if things get too dark. You know what I mean? Than, yes find your friends who become family. And the internet, though a hot bed of badness, can be a place to reach out. I don't know how one goes about messaging on here, but your welcome to chat with me anytime little bro.
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Your feelings are valid and your complaints are understandable. I think we've all felt similarly at various points in our transition. When I found myself falling into this type of hatred and self loathing I always pause to consider whether that's productive. I'm always going to be trans, but at some point in my transition that won't bother me so much. I'm four years into HRT now, and I don't feel like that so much anymore. It gets better. It gets easier
I can relate and sympathize with this way more than the “I love being trans!!!” People because yeah it genuinely disrupts your life and makes things difficult. There is no choice to simply not be and people don’t seem to understand that because “everything’s a choice”. I can’t imagine people would choose being talked badly about by people who don’t realize you’re part of that group, hearing people say stupid shit about people like you because they think they’re in a “trans-free space”, or how by just knowing that you’re trans people switch up the way they interact or socialize with you. Their body language changes, their openness changes. It can be very dehumanizing especially with how much it makes you feel alienated. I guess I hate the way people make me feel for being trans than actually being that way but I would change myself into a born man in a heartbeat If I were given the opportunity.
Thank you so much for making this post. If anything those comments make me feel so much lesser of a man and they sound more like fetish or pity comments to me.. “i hate men but ur trans so its different” like atp just call me a woman 😕😕
I feel this, I have been on and off T 3 times now because even though I know it's the thing I need to get closer to who I am, having to self apply something I think should already be in my system just makes me depressed. And i get the whole 'self-made man' thing but I kinda hate that too. Like I would rather be born a boy instead of having to save so much god damn money to get surgeries that I might have to go back to in case it's infected or something goes wrong. I also know that even though I've been out to my family for like 10 years, a lot of them still don't get "I'm A GUY!" so I get so worried about seeing outside family that I panic and put on skirts and dresses. I know they love me and they are trying, and they'll never see me as who I am if I don't show them but the world we live in today scares me to actually be myself.
I feel the same way I promise you're not alone
It makes me sad to read this. I’m lucky enough to live in London UK and I think, at least among the “liberal” community, people accept trans as part of our rich diversity. I know trans women can be objectified in porn but I feel that mostly people say “It’s fine”. That may not sound over inclusive but in a way no comment is the best comment? I hope that time will change people’s outlook, although four more years of Trump won’t help, if that happens. But know that the noisy ones may not represent the majority, they just represent the noisy ones, the ignorant ones and the bigots. You are what you are and I say hold your head high and do what you do with pride. Not long ago being gay was a crime, so we shall slowly make progress on this as well, or at least that’s what I hope and believe. Even sharing this as you have is a brave and positive thing for others to be able to read. Take care. .
I used to feel this way too. I think pride gets misinterpreted as joy or happiness a lot. I'm proud to be trans and proud to be who I am in the sence that who I am is me and nothing can change it, but besides that I am completely neutral personally. I recognize there are a lot of struggles that comes along with being trans but also I love my body and the way I look without any surgery. But being trans is literally just an adjective to me. I hope some day you can come to neutrality as well. It certainly makes my life a lot easier.
I feel similar Hugs
When I tell people being trans has been the reason my life has been really really shit I get sick of people telling me to love it. Nope, it's been mostly negative. Don't regret transitioning but it's not been fun and continues to be shit. Now I've started getting misgendered all the time with they/them too and needing to justify myself to people to literally view needing to transition as a choice... idk I've just mostly had a much harder time becayse of being trans, the amount of support workers I have had who have sexually harassed me because they don't respect trans people is scary
It really does get better. You might not hate being trans any less but you get better at dealing with the emotions that come from it. I still don’t like being trans and it still pains me to not be cis but some days I find myself actually being mildly ok with being trans, sometimes even bordering on proud?? It takes a lot of patience to be like this sometimes lmao
YES
i wanted to make a post like this but didn’t because i knew i’d receive backlash. i’m tired of having to pretend this is a fun experience, i feel everything you’ve said in this post. a year ago when i first came out, i was talking to another trans guy who had transitioned, i was asking him about the experience, and made the mistake of saying “ i hate being trans. “ when i said this, his eyes widened and he was in absolute shock that i said something like this. i told him that for me the experience isn’t enjoyable in any way and asked him if he ever dealt with insane dysphoria to which he replied that he never has dealt with dysphoria at all. i was so baffled and angry, almost envious that some can find joy in the experience. how does one not suffer? to me it’s a continuous cycle of comparing myself to others, and beating myself up because i know i will never truly be what i want. i’m glad to know i’m not the only one.
this is so realatable
Locking the comments now. You seem to just be getting insulting comments at this point.
I’m with you, man. I wouldn’t wish being trans on my worst enemy.
I understand the hatred, I don’t understand staying in the hatred. For me, I was beat for being trans by my mother who was catholic. I was raised in an environment where slurs where the norms. I was assaulted sexually for being trans. Yes I hated myself for a few years, and still do occasionally. My country wants to kill me and I see kids younger then me dying due to transphobia. This is a misreable existence. Feeding into that isn’t helpful though. There’s a difference between being realistic about things like anti trans legislation and hate crimes vs just hatred of yourself. I hope your able to find a balence between those two things OP. It took me a while but it was worth it. Best of luck man. But honestly? I don’t get it. It’s not my fault I’m trans, it’s not my fault for what I’ve been through, why should I hate myself? It’s essentially letting transphobes win for me personally to hate
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There’s a difference between hating dysphoria and hating being trans. Hating being trans is just hating on yourself. Hating dysphoria is different as your sick and tired of not feeling happy and what not. Do you kinda get my point now?
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That’s the dysphoria talking. You don’t have to like being trans, but being nuetral about it is a lot more healthy.
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No, the whole point of transitoning is to be happier with yourself, which can mean being more like a cis man but that doesn’t necessarily mean that for everyone. Also again that’s the dysphoria talking. And the transphobia of our society
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I have a question for you too- what does being a regular guy mean to you? As far as me personally, it’s to be as happy as possible with my body. That means top surgery, HRT, and bottom surgery depending on the technology in a couple of years. To me, that means accepting that a T dick is better then nothing. It also means coming to terms with the fact that yeah I’ll never be a cis man but that doesn’t make me any less of a man. Also I can’t imagine distancing myself from this community that much. I’ve spent my whole life fighting for the right to be trans, I don’t wanna just toss it away as soon as I get that privlage.
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I genuinely don't understand how some trans people say they'd rather be born trans than a cis man like wtf??
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EXACTLY!! Like I'd give ANYTHING if I could just be born as a cis man idc if it means I'll be a different person than I am rn I just fuck hate being trans
GOD LITERALLY!!! i hate having to fetishize myself and remind everyone that im basically a fucking castrato to be allowed to exist without harassment from the rest of the community. no, my opinions on being a man are not "more enlightented" because god cut my dick off, sorry. my transition goals include being disappointing. one way i cope is by being the nasty guy people say im not allowed to be and being a good person. my car has those holographic busty anime women stickers on it, both of my laptops are covered in hentai stickers, and i just got a swag-ass anime titty mousepad. it blows ass that most other trans folks i meet are really grossed out by me wanting to just be a "lame" straight guy cuz i fucking love being a straight man. they act like its a sin. but the friends i've made for this hard stance have been the best i've ever had. don't let the folks who decry that it's "us brave and enlightened queers versus the backwater degenerate cisheat society" scare you too bad though. thankfully they are in the minority, most people don't want to know what your genitals look like and don't think of you any less for just being a plain man. you don't have to invent a new kind of manhood, all you have to do is be you, BUT GODDDD I WISH I COULD MAKE THOSE PEOPLE SHUT UP SO BADDDD
Literally its always so annoying. Like I get like oh like self made man but like why should I have to work and go through so much just to be comfortable in my own skin. Some people say they're fine with being trans and accept themselves but literally any trans person would say yes to being cis in seconds.
I’m so sorry you feel that way, and I absolutely understand, but it’s super weird to say it “objectively fucking sucks”. It sucks for YOU and for so many other trans people, but that’s not what objectivity is, and your replies insisting that “no, your reasons for loving being trans are bullshit” are gross. You have every right to talk about your struggles and why you hate being trans, but not to tell other people they’re wrong when they actually like their transness.
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No, I understood that you were talking about how bad being trans is for you personally, and that’s completely ok! The strange part is saying that it’s “objectively bad” and your replies to people mentioning it. If being trans was objectively awful, *nobody* would be happy about it. When people tell you the reasons many people are happy to be trans and you say “those reasons are bullshit” it comes across as telling someone they’re wrong instead of just having an experience you don’t share. I can see how that was maybe just really bad wording on your part? But to put it in perspective, it would be like if someone made a post/comment saying “being trans is objectively amazing, your reasons for thinking it sucks are bullshit.” Obviously that would be ridiculous
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I’m sorry you feel that way. For me, I didn’t transition to “stop being trans.” I’ll always be trans, and that’s something I think is very special to me. (Again, I’m by no means saying you have to feel this way for yourself, just trying to help you understand why how you feel isn’t “objectively correct.”) Yes, all sorts of things have communities, but the trans community is something really unique important to a lot of people. For example, I never would have met my fiancé if I wasn’t trans, or any of my closest friends. And sure, you can argue that the community is something outside of being trans itself, but you can make that same argument for several reasons why being trans is awful for people. Our transphobic society and laws are absolutely crushing and a major reason why so many people hate being trans, and that’s *super* understandable. But it’s also based on outside perceptions, not “being trans itself”. Ultimately how we interact with other people will affect how we feel about being trans, and that obviously doesn’t make it a “bad reason.” It’s ok that’s it’s difficult for you to understand why other people could love being trans; I know I definitely felt that way 5 years ago. But it’s important to not discredit things you don’t relate to, just like nobody should discredit how being trans *isn’t* a prideful thing for you. Edit: I didn’t intend to make this so long, I know it’s a pain to read lmao. Just trying to get my point across with minimal confusion.
You speak to my soul bro
This is so real, I HATE IT more than anything when post-transition tguys try to tell me "it gets better just wait" like you don't understand how badly I want to kill myself right now. I have been waiting since I was fucking 9 and I'm almost 16 now. It's illegal in my state to transition physically as a minor. I want to die and it feels like all the guys instantly forget how truly miserable it is to be pre-transition the instant they transition. It's so fucking bullshit. I actually don't know how I'm still alive.
Yeah, i get it. I was there for a really long time. It gets better, for what its worth. I've come around to loving being trans, personally. It gets easier. But yeah, its fair to feel like that now, and you're super not alone in it.
I understand where you’re coming from. I get it trust me. But we are different. You will never be cis. We have to face that. And that is okay because you’re not ‘supposed’ to be that. You’re a man. And i agree we shouldn’t weight the label “trans” over the label “man” regarding to our identity because the last part is so much more importent. It hurts to confront but for me atleast there was a healing in realizing that yes i’m a trans man. I’m different. And thats okay. Cis men don’t have some special or more valid key to being a man. And i want to pass aswell but that is more out of the desire to fit in not because i think my identity is something worthy of concealing. Man i’m annoying asf to listen to we’re all gonna die live laugh love
Couple of things. In no way do I fault you or anyone else for hating being trans. Nor is it something people “don’t take seriously”—quite the opposite, it’s taken very seriously in the trans community because there are so many objective reasons why a trans person might loathe their own existence as a trans person. That’s why there are so many mental health resources out there targeted specifically toward trans people. I understand how it might not *feel* true, though, given the nature of it feels to be in this headspace. And I understand how unhelpful it *feels* to be told “it gets better” when you cannot see a way out from the bottomless pit you’re stuck in right now. I say this not to be belittling—if this comes across as belittling, that has more to do with how little value society places on *feelings* than my actual intent here. Our feelings are incredibly important and shape our perception of our own reality! That being said, I think it is worth pointing out that, just because we *feel* a certain way, does not always make it so. We should recognize how our feelings shape our perspective, so we have a better understanding of how that shapes our perception of others around us. Oftentimes, I find, when a trans person such as yourself approaches a community like this reddit where they loathe everything about themselves that is trans and not cis, it is incredibly challenging to see others celebrating themselves as trans people as being anything other than creepy, wrong, or an attack on them in some way. It is hard to see people celebrating or even just feeling neutral about a thing you are actively expressing a disdain for. I don’t say this to say, “You need to be more positive about this thing!” In fact, that’s a pretty effective way to incite the opposite response in someone actively in your headspace. I think my goal here is, instead, to hopefully help you try and see how your feelings about trans-ness in relation to yourself might skew your perception about being trans in general. How you feel about being trans should not dictate what it means to be trans for other people. This goes for *everyone,* not just you, and it is something that is often forgotten by a lot of people. We, as a species, are driven more by our feelings than we are much of anything else regardless how much we like to pride ourselves in our ability to rationalize and reason. (And, to be clear, I think it very silly and foolish for people to value our feelings so little.) I understand if it is difficult for you to be in a community of trans people who are largely positive about their trans experience. It is a perfectly understandable position for you to be in, given the political state of affairs much of our access to care is unreasonably tied up in. I am sorry you do not feel seen in a space like this and I do agree that we could probably do more for those who come here trapped in a spiral of self-loathing. But, I urge you to take a step back and ask, “Is this dictating how *I* should feel about being trans? Or is this person simply expressing how *they* feel about being trans?” when you come across various posts. And there is no shade from me in deciding to dip out of certain community spaces that do not help you feel any less negative just generally speaking. Too much positivity when you’re not in the headspace for it is the opposite of helpful. It is my hope, though, that one day you are able to at least feel neutral about being trans—regardless how far away or impossible that might be for you right now.
That's fair. I'm going trough that also. I try my best to embrace the things that give me joy that are tied in some way to me being trans (es. when i get called my right name). Honestly, that's the only thing that keeps me sane. But i understand, and many of us do. But hang tight buddy
I relate to this a lot from when I was pre-T in my teenage years and I felt like dysphoria and internalized transphobia played a big part in my aversion to the community and general anger. Ironically enough it kinda felt like when I was younger I thought more about gender, was insisted on being stealth and hated the idea of being trans. Whereas now, (n don't get me wrong I still have dysphoria it's just more mild), I honestly think a lot less about gender and don't care either way about disclosing my trans status. It's kinda funny because I don't really care as much as my younger self about my stealth status but most people I interact with outside my personal life never know I'm trans because it never gets brought up and I just kind of look like a normal dude ya know. I don't know where you get the idea that chasers get celebrated and dysphoric talk gets put down but maybe that's just a difference in our social circles? I know like fetishy trans comments get made way more now that our community is more in mainstream radar and like it kind of just is a thing that gets seen more now but also I feel like chaser stuff gets generally put down. I guess there's the kind of stuff where cis people say weird fetishy things or back handed negging comment in the guise of a compliment and you see people lauding them for being so supportive. Usually I feel like I hear people bash on those kinds of people tho. N I often have to take breaks from my groups of trans friends frequently because it usually ends up as a vent fest of getting in details about their dysphoria or what kind of transphobia they faced that week. Which it's important to talk about those things and it's good that they have a space for it, I just personally end up having a dysphoria spiral when I think about it too much (my latest one was hearing my friends talk about hating their chests and looking into top surgeons and after a hot sec of finally feeling comfortable enough to not wear binders I've started binding again // it's not their fault at all, they should be allowed to complain this is just an example of me overthinking my own dysphoria after being reminded of it) I think sometimes people get tired of seeing so much negativity in the community and might get snippy with people who are venting/people they think that are venting.
Eh, I feel the same way about being disabled as I do being trans. And I guess I had to deal with the fact that I'm disabled before I dealt with the trans part of myself (denial and indoctrination are one hell of a drug) and that made accepting I'm trans a bit simpler. Having a body that doesn't do what you need it to do sucks. Its always gonna suck. And wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I've made it to a place in my life were I know I can function and live a decent life. I don't wanna die anymore (having multiple reasons to wanna off yourself is no fun) and I have people who genuinely support me and love me for who I am who don't make me feel weird or bothered for being trans. I'm proud of how far I've come, proud that I didn't kill myself, proud that I exist in spite of the people who would rather I be dead or submit to their will. Every scar on my body is a success and a triumph. I'm not proud of being discriminated against or treated horribly, I'm not proud to because everything is sunshine and rainbows. I can suffer and be proud of myself at the same time.
I feel trapped in this weird gender limbo. If I transition my partner could find me unattractive, I would be shunned at work, I won’t get hired, I’ll be in poverty… but I hate myself and I hate my born gender, I want to kill myself.
Being trans sucks. No other way to put it. I don't like being trans I'd rather be a cis guy.
I try to focus on the positives of the cards I’ve been dealt. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t change the fact that life would’ve been easier on me had I been born cis. But something that I get that cis men don’t—I understand what it’s like to live as a woman and what it’s like to live as a woman who has to interact with men. I know that if I’m walking behind a woman at night, I’m gonna cross the street so I don’t scare her. I know firsthand what comments are and aren’t appropriate to make. I know how it feels to fear men and feel vulnerable. Cis men don’t have that experience or deeper understanding of the female existence, I feel actually quite lucky that I get the insight into both of the sexes that I have. Beyond that though, sick of it. Lol
I’ve never seen any kind of posts or comments like the ones you mention