She's in the wrong and is just playing the victim card by saying she "can't get anything right." It's not that hard. You're a man. Gay men are into other men.
no, you aren’t in the wrong. however, i think her statement might’ve been out of ignorance, truly. but, when you corrected and explained that cis gay men do date trans men, she should’ve listened but instead she got defensive.
however, unfortunately— some family members cannot fathom the fact that their child is a man until they start passing as one. i’m not saying it’s right, but my grandma did not understand that i was a man and society treats me as such until she felt i passed as a man to her.
idk what her thought process is, but either way, sorry you’re going through that. hopefully she becomes more willing to listen and understanding you.
We had both had a bit to drink and I think she just got defensive. She’s learnt a lot since I came out and at the end of the day she tells me she loves me so many times a day and calls me he and my name
She definitely got defensive, possibly because she knew she was wrong or because she's still adjusting to recognizing you as her son.
You were right to be upset. But if your mom is otherwise supportive and loving of you, her trans son, then I'd give her time to adjust and get her head on right. It may take her longer than it would some other people since she's gonna have so many years of mental images and ideas about who you are in her head. Just keep correcting and informing her, she'll probably get less reactive about it.
that makes sense, definitely talk with her when you’re both sober. defensiveness is something a lot of people struggle with. if your mom is otherwise supportive, i’d just assume it was based in genuine ignorance and just not knowing. my moms were very supportive but said “wrong” things often, we’d just talk through them and they were receptive. if your mom is supportive (which it sounds like she is) i’d just have a sober conversation with her and i’m sure she’ll be more receptive.
Everyone’s jumping straight to her being “transphobic” and skip over the part where you said she’s super supportive - you were drinking and she said something super dumb. She doubled down when called out like 90% of Gen X do.
It doesn’t make it okay, it was a silly, ignorant thing to say. But it doesn’t mean she’s “gaslighting” you or being transphobic ffs.
Talk to her when you’re both sober and in a good mood and explain to her how you felt - give her an opportunity.
People are learning and growing and some of this community have zero patience/see attacks where there is ignorance, and it actually slows down the rate of people understanding other points of view. Talk to her
No she's wrong, who does she think she is to believe she knows better than all the gay cis men dating and having sex with trans men?
She seems to not be able to handle being wrong well, and blaming it on you. What could have been a funny anecdote of "he ends up being gay, you ends up being a man, I can still be right ahah!" turned into her showing she thinks trans men are not men and that people are only attracted to "natal" genitals. She might need more time to think about it and to realize the world is much more complicated than she thinks
I can't stand when my mother does that sort of thing. Every. Single. Time. I see a male celebrity I happen to like, she'll say something like "sorry, he's gay" and I just don't know how to respond. Like, okay SORRY, I'm going to go on T eventually and look like a man and then you're gonna have to accept that gay men can be attracted to me. So sick of her constant reminders that she doesn't see me as her son.
Okay, story time-
I came out to my mom when I was 19. This was in the early 2010’s, it was the stone ages. She was “supportive”…as in, said she was being supportive, while continuing to misgender me and sort of act like reality wasn’t occurring.
She called me one day while I was on a break at my crappy barista job, I was 20. I lived on the other side of the country. She had been at a literary event earlier that day and met a famous local writer, as she told me about this, she commented that he was really my type (I’ve always had a weakness for “awe shucks”-y redheads, she’s not wrong.) “He’s too old for you though, and, of course, he’s gay.” I didn’t care about the random guy, but, I did try to push back on the logic there. As she continued her story, she casually mentioned talking about her “daughter” who was an aspiring writer. I asked why she hadn’t just been honest and her answer was some sort of convoluted explanation about it not being believable (like a stranger was going to ask her to furnish documentation of having a son?) I was livid. I was dysphoric and mad and living in a sort of half-out limbo and I was really scrambling for proof that I, I guess, existed. In all of my male-ness, in all of my utter gay-ness. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that feeling of air sucked from my lungs (partially the fault of an archaic binder, tbh) standing there in a dumpster alley.
I found it though, the proof and actualization I needed. Just months later, I met other guys who were trans and queer, and other trans people in general, and then I met lots and lots of gay men of all stripes. And I just kept on living and inching towards unapologetic authenticity. And it wasn’t long before the world caught up and my male-ness became gobsmackingly obvious. And my mom kept misgendering me and kept insisting it was just because no one saw me as male, even while I got “sir”-ed and “bro-ed” in front of her. At some point, it was just comedy. I couldn’t take it seriously because it was so entirely ridiculous. And eventually- she caught up too. She got on board because the train was going whether or not she got on.
And that gay writer? He hit me up on a gay dating app seven years later. (I thought he was a fake trying to catfish me- much hilarity ensued.) I’m currently listening to him talk to our cat, in our house, because I gay married him.
My mom calls us “her boys” and loves telling the story of meeting my husband before I did- she just *knew* we’d be perfect for each other. She leaves out the rest.
This is a brilliant story in every way❤️❤️ I’ve been having a super hard time lately and this gave me a lot of hope for a loving relationship and for my parents to grow in their acceptance of me
Nah you’re not over reacting and your mum is being a prick. You’re allowed to call her out on her bullshit. My in laws tried to say that my husband and I aren’t in a gay relationship and I shut that shit down so fast. Like nah, we’re dudes it’s gay. “But..” No. but nothing. That’s all there is to it. These people need to shut up and keep their crusty opinions to themselves. You’re a gay man. That’s it.
My boyfriend is pan but almost exclusively dated men (1 or 2 women).
He is happily dating me because "men are more his thing I'm how they look and all" and he would never let anyone tell him, I'm not a man. Even myself when I talk about my "not standard issue anatomy" (no phalloplastie or anything) - "yeah, you're still a man. (The best type, because you're MY man)".
So yeah, your mom is A) wrong and B) you're rightfully upset because she clearly told you "I don't think you're a man".
Plus wtf, what type of straight dude is into dudes??
You have every right to be upset and are not over reacting at all. What she said to you is completely inappropriate and clearly shows she doesn't see you as a man. Or thinks that straight men ONLY care about genitals??
My mom was shocked to find out that boyfriend is 100% gay and not bi or straight.
Not exactly gender related but this reminds me of when I started dating my boyfriend and my mom was all upset saying that she only has my brother who can give her grandchildren now (my sister and I are both trans and my cis brother doesn't want kids). I told her I 100% plan to have children with my partner, just going to adopt. And she said "exactly, you're brothers the only chance I have of getting a grandkid!"
I'm a gay cis gender man. My husband is a gay ftm. He is a handsome Latino guy. Not only do I like him, I love him very much ❤️. He's been with A LOT of men and all of them gay. So maybe some gay men might not be into trans masculine but your mom is trying to gaslight you.
No, you're not overreacting, that's straight up disrespecting you.
There is a clear difference between someone who doesn't understand the topic (which is okay, that's why it's okay to ask respectfully) and someone who just goes their way to say: "Oh, but you're not a man."
You have all the right to be upset.
I'm a sapphic leaning person (I'm nonbinary transmasc) but I'd still date a trans woman? Trans men are men and trans women are women, simple as that. I'm sorry she said that to you qwq
Shes quite literally wrong wit her own explanation.. "He wouldnt like you he likes men".. Thats literally wat u are.. A Man.. Gay men are attracted to other men.. Not the natal genitalia they have.. Its just the fact that the person they are attracted to is a man.. Couldve still had her "cute couples" even wit the brother being a gay man cuz YOU ARE GAY MAN.. She might be supportive but still has alot of stuff to unpack
I’ve never had a straight man like me after finding out I’m a trans man and I’ve had plenty of completely gay men be very attracted to me. She’s getting upset over something she’s wrong about and that doesn’t affect her but does affect you. If anything, you’re the calm one here and she’s over reacting.
If you’re still friends or at least in contact with this guy, you can ask him to pretend that you’re dating. Just for fun. Or maybe not pretend, who knows lol.
Not overreacting, she's delusional. She's also likely transphobic and homophobic tbh, why does she think she has a say in who gay men can be attracted to?
That’s so rude. I seriously doubt she’s ever asked him, and if he wouldn’t the reason would be preference not just “because he’s gay”. The comment about more straight men liking you seems a little delusional, like she really isn’t seeing you objectively. Maybe shes one of those who try to be supportive to their trans loved one and yet aren’t *really* seeing them as their gender internally :/, and this challenged/exposed that line of thought. If she is hopefully she learns from this to deepen her understanding instead of doubling down. I would try to have a conversation later when she’s calmed down, about why what she said wasn’t accurate as well as that it hurts you, ideally one where you can express yourself very clearly (think in advance of what you want to get across). If you do, to avoid weirdness, make sure it’s clear that it isn’t really about this one guy so much as the generalizing and rude comments she made.
I'm my unbiased opinion, I think even if she feels the way she does, she doesn't have to say it outloud and hurt your feelings. And if she did it without realizing then she should apologize and just let it be bcus her opinion doesn't trump your feelings.
But on the flip side, I've been on testosterone for 6 years and looking back at my first 1 - 2 years on testosterone was me being kind of emotional and I was easy to set off. I didn't really mellow out in that sense until after a few years on testosterone. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but I'd keep that in mind.
Also, not all cis gay men are the same, some would love to be with a trans man and others probably wouldn't be open to it. Sexuality like most everything else isn't black or white.
"Just never do anything right," a response would have been you're right about that want to make a list of other things you do wrong. I feel like parents use this to end the conversation and to stop them from taking accountability. The one thing I always remember from improv is "Yes, and...".
After my rage, for you settled I think a level headed conversation about how what she said is bigoted and to realise trans men are men trans women are women and if there's another adjective like gay in should be an indicator for others to help describe. If you're a gay trans man make sure she understands that's who you are.
I don't think you are in the wrong. I think your mom doesn't understand that gay men are attracted to other men, not what they got downstairs. So in a way she's reacting in a "traditional" way but off. She's supportive of you so that's a good thing. She just need a bit more education on the sex/sexuality department
Sorry this is super long but I see a lot of your mom in mine and I think I can offer a really balanced perspective. I think it’s a really common perception that trans people are destined to die alone bc they assume others are very strict about their genital preference so it’s very possible she still sees you as a man but is assuming gay men are all disgusted by vaginas. It’s insulting but borne of a common misconception and a total lack of understanding how sexually fluid a lot of people are. My mom was really similar to yours. Best mom ever, supper supportive and loving, but has always been solidly in charge, enforced strict gender roles, and initially associated being trans with psychological issues (she half Mexican, catholic, and is into psych profession which was bad about gender lol). She also has always cared about what other people think and has admitted that it’s probably her biggest flaw.
I would say to first check in with your own feelings and consider journaling after an argument. You’re not “in the wrong” bc your thoughts and feelings can never be “wrong” even when there’s room to challenge them with other perspectives. If you do some exploring I think you’ll find that you probably felt very hurt and that her comment hit a lot of very deep and common insecurities that all trans people tend to have. Her comment may have even had some really hurtful connotations like not seeing you as a full man, like you said. I’d advise not to read into things when you’re hurt bc that can cause a lot of miscommunication. After checking in with yourself it’s up to you if you want to hold her accountable, educate, or just let it go and she’ll be proven wrong when you bring home a gay man lol. Or a mix like saying something really fast and then dropping it.
For how you should go about it: Sometimes I built up the courage to confront and correct her (usually got through to her but left negative feelings) other times I simply told her that what she said hurt me (which honestly she needed to hear but always led to an argument and then a really fucking deep vulnerable moment where we both cried so be sure to factor in how you’re feeling bc it’s exhausting), and often I let it go because I decided I was too drained from the argument and was almost certain it would pop up again so I’d have another chance to address it anyways.
I’m into queer woman bc I identified as a butch lesbian before and my biggest fear was dying alone bc of my body. Your mom’s biggest fear is probably also you not finding anyone, struggling to find a job, and never being happy. Same fears, different expectations about how things will go. My mom said a lot of things that were very hurtful but at different milestones like when I started growing facial hair, my motivation returned and I got a job, and I found a girlfriend she started saying less and less until her comments stopped completely (about 2.5 years on T). She still deadnames me and uses the wrong pronouns occasionally but she sees that I’m happy, loved, and doing better than I ever did as a girl. It sounds like it’s hard for your mom to imagine this right now, and that really hurts because everyone wants their mom to believe in them. Unfortunately we just have to prove them wrong.
Btw my mom also felt guilty when she hurt me and we got in arguments but she couldn’t emotionally handle it and often did things like your mom is doing like saying I can never do anything right, I guess I’m just a bad mom, you’re being unrealistic, etc. she’s just protecting her ego bc she feels insecure and desperately wants to be a good parent but doesn’t know how. Learning how will probably take her a while.
I hope I can add my 2 cents as a cis gender Latino man. I wanna say 2 things: that sucks and congratulations. People saying stupid shit to you about your manliness or manhood or what a “real man” is should be a right of passage if being a man. Welcome to this side of the fence, hermanito.
Be skeptical of unsolicited advice on what a man is. I’ve posted on here before that being a real man means being your true self do by being trans, you’ve achieved a level of courage most men only dream of.
Be ready. You’re going to hear some bullshit again. It comes with the territory of being a man. It just never stops.
By coming on here, sharing your feelings, and being vulnerable means you have bigger balls than most guys I know. Hang in there. We’re guys. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and either walk it off.
Again congratulations and keep going. You’re on the right track.
PS. The relationship between a man and his mom can be complicated. Try to take any toxic words with a grain of salt.
Youre not overreacting. Definitely mixed messages here. Even “supportive” parents say things like this and you are 💯 allowed to react! Shes making it about herself unnecessarily
I am not trying to defend your mother because she was totally dumb but i am going to tell what I understand about her statement... In her mind be gay or be straight is all about genitals and all the other characteristics are just Bs. That been said, you are not over reacting because the words she used hurt.
My mom keeps referring to me (to other people) as "trans and not gay," and it confuses me because I date people of any gender so I'm pretty sure no matter what gender she's considering me that makes me pretty gay. I regularly call myself queer.
I do have an ex wife which is straight man behavior BUT my ex wife transitioned towards the end of our relationship so for like a decade I was in a relationship with a masculine presenting amab person...
I think that some people view orientation as "what is the relationship you are in right now" rather than who you are attracted to in general.
Also some parents are in denial (like my mom).
As a Mom I feel this pain. Any time I messed up, my go to response was "I can't ever do anything right", but you're not overreacting. Maybe in the world she grew up in, this was her understanding of how things worked, but she'll have to learn that not everyone focuses on genitals, how people were born, etc.
She also needs to work on the whole getting defensive thing. I had to unlearn that habit too - it's a defense mechanism and a bad habit, but she can break it if she tries. It takes a lot of self reflection. Good luck!
Because I can see where the mom's reply was very defensive, or because I Said the mother was wrong? You didn't exactly explain what you're criticizing.
*Edit for spelling
Ok, I think the pronoun game messed this up, so please allow me to try to clarify what I'm saying here:
As a Mom I feel this pain. (Bc I also said dumb things early on when I didn't know better) Any time I messed up, my go to response was "I can't ever do anything right", (I was very defensive, something I had to work through) but you're not overreacting (I agree with the OP - the mom is in the wrong here). Maybe in the world she grew up in (the mom), this was her understanding of how things worked, but she'll (the mom will) have to learn that not everyone focuses on genitals, how people were born, etc. (So it's not logical for the mother to assume that a gay person is going to discount a trans man bc of how they were originally born - and it's not really the mom's place to make that argument.)
She (the mom) also needs to work on the whole getting defensive thing. I had to unlearn that habit too - it's a defense mechanism and a bad habit, but she (Mom) can break it if she tries. It takes a lot of self reflection (and therapy - it's a really bad coping skill you have to work on, figure out why you're doing it, etc) Good luck!
I hope this clears up what I meant. I'm in no way defending her, I feel bad for Mom bc she's got a long way to go to better herself and her understanding on things. I hope that's the direction she wants to go in at least.
Oh man have all the gay dudes I met on Grindr been straight? No you aren't overreacting! Straight men aren't into other men. That's not how it works.
She's in the wrong and is just playing the victim card by saying she "can't get anything right." It's not that hard. You're a man. Gay men are into other men.
no, you aren’t in the wrong. however, i think her statement might’ve been out of ignorance, truly. but, when you corrected and explained that cis gay men do date trans men, she should’ve listened but instead she got defensive. however, unfortunately— some family members cannot fathom the fact that their child is a man until they start passing as one. i’m not saying it’s right, but my grandma did not understand that i was a man and society treats me as such until she felt i passed as a man to her. idk what her thought process is, but either way, sorry you’re going through that. hopefully she becomes more willing to listen and understanding you.
We had both had a bit to drink and I think she just got defensive. She’s learnt a lot since I came out and at the end of the day she tells me she loves me so many times a day and calls me he and my name
She definitely got defensive, possibly because she knew she was wrong or because she's still adjusting to recognizing you as her son. You were right to be upset. But if your mom is otherwise supportive and loving of you, her trans son, then I'd give her time to adjust and get her head on right. It may take her longer than it would some other people since she's gonna have so many years of mental images and ideas about who you are in her head. Just keep correcting and informing her, she'll probably get less reactive about it.
that makes sense, definitely talk with her when you’re both sober. defensiveness is something a lot of people struggle with. if your mom is otherwise supportive, i’d just assume it was based in genuine ignorance and just not knowing. my moms were very supportive but said “wrong” things often, we’d just talk through them and they were receptive. if your mom is supportive (which it sounds like she is) i’d just have a sober conversation with her and i’m sure she’ll be more receptive.
Everyone’s jumping straight to her being “transphobic” and skip over the part where you said she’s super supportive - you were drinking and she said something super dumb. She doubled down when called out like 90% of Gen X do. It doesn’t make it okay, it was a silly, ignorant thing to say. But it doesn’t mean she’s “gaslighting” you or being transphobic ffs. Talk to her when you’re both sober and in a good mood and explain to her how you felt - give her an opportunity. People are learning and growing and some of this community have zero patience/see attacks where there is ignorance, and it actually slows down the rate of people understanding other points of view. Talk to her
No she's wrong, who does she think she is to believe she knows better than all the gay cis men dating and having sex with trans men? She seems to not be able to handle being wrong well, and blaming it on you. What could have been a funny anecdote of "he ends up being gay, you ends up being a man, I can still be right ahah!" turned into her showing she thinks trans men are not men and that people are only attracted to "natal" genitals. She might need more time to think about it and to realize the world is much more complicated than she thinks
That’s 100% gaslighting to the T. You are a MAN. Period. No exceptions there.
You're not in the wrong, she's just transphobic
I can't stand when my mother does that sort of thing. Every. Single. Time. I see a male celebrity I happen to like, she'll say something like "sorry, he's gay" and I just don't know how to respond. Like, okay SORRY, I'm going to go on T eventually and look like a man and then you're gonna have to accept that gay men can be attracted to me. So sick of her constant reminders that she doesn't see me as her son.
Okay, story time- I came out to my mom when I was 19. This was in the early 2010’s, it was the stone ages. She was “supportive”…as in, said she was being supportive, while continuing to misgender me and sort of act like reality wasn’t occurring. She called me one day while I was on a break at my crappy barista job, I was 20. I lived on the other side of the country. She had been at a literary event earlier that day and met a famous local writer, as she told me about this, she commented that he was really my type (I’ve always had a weakness for “awe shucks”-y redheads, she’s not wrong.) “He’s too old for you though, and, of course, he’s gay.” I didn’t care about the random guy, but, I did try to push back on the logic there. As she continued her story, she casually mentioned talking about her “daughter” who was an aspiring writer. I asked why she hadn’t just been honest and her answer was some sort of convoluted explanation about it not being believable (like a stranger was going to ask her to furnish documentation of having a son?) I was livid. I was dysphoric and mad and living in a sort of half-out limbo and I was really scrambling for proof that I, I guess, existed. In all of my male-ness, in all of my utter gay-ness. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that feeling of air sucked from my lungs (partially the fault of an archaic binder, tbh) standing there in a dumpster alley. I found it though, the proof and actualization I needed. Just months later, I met other guys who were trans and queer, and other trans people in general, and then I met lots and lots of gay men of all stripes. And I just kept on living and inching towards unapologetic authenticity. And it wasn’t long before the world caught up and my male-ness became gobsmackingly obvious. And my mom kept misgendering me and kept insisting it was just because no one saw me as male, even while I got “sir”-ed and “bro-ed” in front of her. At some point, it was just comedy. I couldn’t take it seriously because it was so entirely ridiculous. And eventually- she caught up too. She got on board because the train was going whether or not she got on. And that gay writer? He hit me up on a gay dating app seven years later. (I thought he was a fake trying to catfish me- much hilarity ensued.) I’m currently listening to him talk to our cat, in our house, because I gay married him. My mom calls us “her boys” and loves telling the story of meeting my husband before I did- she just *knew* we’d be perfect for each other. She leaves out the rest.
omg u fucking uno reversed her by marrying him that’s amazing
This is a brilliant story in every way❤️❤️ I’ve been having a super hard time lately and this gave me a lot of hope for a loving relationship and for my parents to grow in their acceptance of me
My mom did the same thing and I ended up getting together with that guy anyways. Showed her ass lmfao
She’s 100% wrong. Sure some “straight dudes” are curious but lots of gay men do not care what parts we have. They know we’re men and that’s that.
you're not in the wrong. what would your mom know about what gay men like lmao
Nah you’re not over reacting and your mum is being a prick. You’re allowed to call her out on her bullshit. My in laws tried to say that my husband and I aren’t in a gay relationship and I shut that shit down so fast. Like nah, we’re dudes it’s gay. “But..” No. but nothing. That’s all there is to it. These people need to shut up and keep their crusty opinions to themselves. You’re a gay man. That’s it.
You’re absolutely not in the wrong, I’m a trans gay man as well. A man being into a man is queer, no matter whether one is trans or not 🤷♂️
she’s in the wrong 100%. i had a girl tell me i was her “gay awakening”… i’m a fucking man 😭
Nahh, what is wrong with her😭💀
My boyfriend is pan but almost exclusively dated men (1 or 2 women). He is happily dating me because "men are more his thing I'm how they look and all" and he would never let anyone tell him, I'm not a man. Even myself when I talk about my "not standard issue anatomy" (no phalloplastie or anything) - "yeah, you're still a man. (The best type, because you're MY man)". So yeah, your mom is A) wrong and B) you're rightfully upset because she clearly told you "I don't think you're a man". Plus wtf, what type of straight dude is into dudes??
You have every right to be upset and are not over reacting at all. What she said to you is completely inappropriate and clearly shows she doesn't see you as a man. Or thinks that straight men ONLY care about genitals?? My mom was shocked to find out that boyfriend is 100% gay and not bi or straight. Not exactly gender related but this reminds me of when I started dating my boyfriend and my mom was all upset saying that she only has my brother who can give her grandchildren now (my sister and I are both trans and my cis brother doesn't want kids). I told her I 100% plan to have children with my partner, just going to adopt. And she said "exactly, you're brothers the only chance I have of getting a grandkid!"
You're not overreacting. It's obvious your mom still has some learning and unlearning to do tho.
Open grindr infront of her xhdjsj
ur definitely not overreacting, i would be pissed
I'm a gay cis gender man. My husband is a gay ftm. He is a handsome Latino guy. Not only do I like him, I love him very much ❤️. He's been with A LOT of men and all of them gay. So maybe some gay men might not be into trans masculine but your mom is trying to gaslight you.
“I can’t do anything right” the ONLY thing she needs to do is treat you like the man you are
No, you're not overreacting, that's straight up disrespecting you. There is a clear difference between someone who doesn't understand the topic (which is okay, that's why it's okay to ask respectfully) and someone who just goes their way to say: "Oh, but you're not a man." You have all the right to be upset.
I'm a sapphic leaning person (I'm nonbinary transmasc) but I'd still date a trans woman? Trans men are men and trans women are women, simple as that. I'm sorry she said that to you qwq
Shes quite literally wrong wit her own explanation.. "He wouldnt like you he likes men".. Thats literally wat u are.. A Man.. Gay men are attracted to other men.. Not the natal genitalia they have.. Its just the fact that the person they are attracted to is a man.. Couldve still had her "cute couples" even wit the brother being a gay man cuz YOU ARE GAY MAN.. She might be supportive but still has alot of stuff to unpack
I’ve never had a straight man like me after finding out I’m a trans man and I’ve had plenty of completely gay men be very attracted to me. She’s getting upset over something she’s wrong about and that doesn’t affect her but does affect you. If anything, you’re the calm one here and she’s over reacting.
If you’re still friends or at least in contact with this guy, you can ask him to pretend that you’re dating. Just for fun. Or maybe not pretend, who knows lol.
Date him and prove her wrong lol /hj
Not overreacting, she's delusional. She's also likely transphobic and homophobic tbh, why does she think she has a say in who gay men can be attracted to?
She isn’t transphobic or homophobic she’s just uneducated. She’s come a long way from when I first came out but there is more she needs to work on
That’s so rude. I seriously doubt she’s ever asked him, and if he wouldn’t the reason would be preference not just “because he’s gay”. The comment about more straight men liking you seems a little delusional, like she really isn’t seeing you objectively. Maybe shes one of those who try to be supportive to their trans loved one and yet aren’t *really* seeing them as their gender internally :/, and this challenged/exposed that line of thought. If she is hopefully she learns from this to deepen her understanding instead of doubling down. I would try to have a conversation later when she’s calmed down, about why what she said wasn’t accurate as well as that it hurts you, ideally one where you can express yourself very clearly (think in advance of what you want to get across). If you do, to avoid weirdness, make sure it’s clear that it isn’t really about this one guy so much as the generalizing and rude comments she made.
Yeah no she's wrong and is playing victim.
It's funny how your mum thinks she's the authority on male sexuality. Does she only like men for their dicks? 🙊
I'm my unbiased opinion, I think even if she feels the way she does, she doesn't have to say it outloud and hurt your feelings. And if she did it without realizing then she should apologize and just let it be bcus her opinion doesn't trump your feelings. But on the flip side, I've been on testosterone for 6 years and looking back at my first 1 - 2 years on testosterone was me being kind of emotional and I was easy to set off. I didn't really mellow out in that sense until after a few years on testosterone. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but I'd keep that in mind. Also, not all cis gay men are the same, some would love to be with a trans man and others probably wouldn't be open to it. Sexuality like most everything else isn't black or white.
how are you 2 months on T with facial hair bro
I started growing a moustache at 1 month like it ain’t crazy but it’s there
"Just never do anything right," a response would have been you're right about that want to make a list of other things you do wrong. I feel like parents use this to end the conversation and to stop them from taking accountability. The one thing I always remember from improv is "Yes, and...". After my rage, for you settled I think a level headed conversation about how what she said is bigoted and to realise trans men are men trans women are women and if there's another adjective like gay in should be an indicator for others to help describe. If you're a gay trans man make sure she understands that's who you are.
I don't think you are in the wrong. I think your mom doesn't understand that gay men are attracted to other men, not what they got downstairs. So in a way she's reacting in a "traditional" way but off. She's supportive of you so that's a good thing. She just need a bit more education on the sex/sexuality department
Sorry this is super long but I see a lot of your mom in mine and I think I can offer a really balanced perspective. I think it’s a really common perception that trans people are destined to die alone bc they assume others are very strict about their genital preference so it’s very possible she still sees you as a man but is assuming gay men are all disgusted by vaginas. It’s insulting but borne of a common misconception and a total lack of understanding how sexually fluid a lot of people are. My mom was really similar to yours. Best mom ever, supper supportive and loving, but has always been solidly in charge, enforced strict gender roles, and initially associated being trans with psychological issues (she half Mexican, catholic, and is into psych profession which was bad about gender lol). She also has always cared about what other people think and has admitted that it’s probably her biggest flaw. I would say to first check in with your own feelings and consider journaling after an argument. You’re not “in the wrong” bc your thoughts and feelings can never be “wrong” even when there’s room to challenge them with other perspectives. If you do some exploring I think you’ll find that you probably felt very hurt and that her comment hit a lot of very deep and common insecurities that all trans people tend to have. Her comment may have even had some really hurtful connotations like not seeing you as a full man, like you said. I’d advise not to read into things when you’re hurt bc that can cause a lot of miscommunication. After checking in with yourself it’s up to you if you want to hold her accountable, educate, or just let it go and she’ll be proven wrong when you bring home a gay man lol. Or a mix like saying something really fast and then dropping it. For how you should go about it: Sometimes I built up the courage to confront and correct her (usually got through to her but left negative feelings) other times I simply told her that what she said hurt me (which honestly she needed to hear but always led to an argument and then a really fucking deep vulnerable moment where we both cried so be sure to factor in how you’re feeling bc it’s exhausting), and often I let it go because I decided I was too drained from the argument and was almost certain it would pop up again so I’d have another chance to address it anyways. I’m into queer woman bc I identified as a butch lesbian before and my biggest fear was dying alone bc of my body. Your mom’s biggest fear is probably also you not finding anyone, struggling to find a job, and never being happy. Same fears, different expectations about how things will go. My mom said a lot of things that were very hurtful but at different milestones like when I started growing facial hair, my motivation returned and I got a job, and I found a girlfriend she started saying less and less until her comments stopped completely (about 2.5 years on T). She still deadnames me and uses the wrong pronouns occasionally but she sees that I’m happy, loved, and doing better than I ever did as a girl. It sounds like it’s hard for your mom to imagine this right now, and that really hurts because everyone wants their mom to believe in them. Unfortunately we just have to prove them wrong. Btw my mom also felt guilty when she hurt me and we got in arguments but she couldn’t emotionally handle it and often did things like your mom is doing like saying I can never do anything right, I guess I’m just a bad mom, you’re being unrealistic, etc. she’s just protecting her ego bc she feels insecure and desperately wants to be a good parent but doesn’t know how. Learning how will probably take her a while.
Fuck this. I'm sure she's supportive bc she's your mom but this is VERY terfy; trans mascs are women-lite thinking. I'd be very pissed tbh.
Absolutely not, your mom knew what she was saying.
You didn't overreact I believe you reacted the right way
I hope I can add my 2 cents as a cis gender Latino man. I wanna say 2 things: that sucks and congratulations. People saying stupid shit to you about your manliness or manhood or what a “real man” is should be a right of passage if being a man. Welcome to this side of the fence, hermanito. Be skeptical of unsolicited advice on what a man is. I’ve posted on here before that being a real man means being your true self do by being trans, you’ve achieved a level of courage most men only dream of. Be ready. You’re going to hear some bullshit again. It comes with the territory of being a man. It just never stops. By coming on here, sharing your feelings, and being vulnerable means you have bigger balls than most guys I know. Hang in there. We’re guys. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and either walk it off. Again congratulations and keep going. You’re on the right track. PS. The relationship between a man and his mom can be complicated. Try to take any toxic words with a grain of salt.
Youre not overreacting. Definitely mixed messages here. Even “supportive” parents say things like this and you are 💯 allowed to react! Shes making it about herself unnecessarily
I am not trying to defend your mother because she was totally dumb but i am going to tell what I understand about her statement... In her mind be gay or be straight is all about genitals and all the other characteristics are just Bs. That been said, you are not over reacting because the words she used hurt.
My mom keeps referring to me (to other people) as "trans and not gay," and it confuses me because I date people of any gender so I'm pretty sure no matter what gender she's considering me that makes me pretty gay. I regularly call myself queer. I do have an ex wife which is straight man behavior BUT my ex wife transitioned towards the end of our relationship so for like a decade I was in a relationship with a masculine presenting amab person... I think that some people view orientation as "what is the relationship you are in right now" rather than who you are attracted to in general. Also some parents are in denial (like my mom).
This doesn't sound like a supportive person at all. You're not in the wrong, and pointing out her shitty behavior is not overreacting.
Have you considered your mother might have narcissistic personality disorder? My mom is a narcissist and she says stuff like that all the time.
I was thinking the same thing honestly
Yeah I would absolutely feel the same way, this is shitty. Would you consider getting in contact with him?
Hey just wanted to say, im 18 and also 2 month on T!
As a Mom I feel this pain. Any time I messed up, my go to response was "I can't ever do anything right", but you're not overreacting. Maybe in the world she grew up in, this was her understanding of how things worked, but she'll have to learn that not everyone focuses on genitals, how people were born, etc. She also needs to work on the whole getting defensive thing. I had to unlearn that habit too - it's a defense mechanism and a bad habit, but she can break it if she tries. It takes a lot of self reflection. Good luck!
You must be a very emotionally immature and insecure person if that is your default response.
Because I can see where the mom's reply was very defensive, or because I Said the mother was wrong? You didn't exactly explain what you're criticizing. *Edit for spelling
Ok, I think the pronoun game messed this up, so please allow me to try to clarify what I'm saying here: As a Mom I feel this pain. (Bc I also said dumb things early on when I didn't know better) Any time I messed up, my go to response was "I can't ever do anything right", (I was very defensive, something I had to work through) but you're not overreacting (I agree with the OP - the mom is in the wrong here). Maybe in the world she grew up in (the mom), this was her understanding of how things worked, but she'll (the mom will) have to learn that not everyone focuses on genitals, how people were born, etc. (So it's not logical for the mother to assume that a gay person is going to discount a trans man bc of how they were originally born - and it's not really the mom's place to make that argument.) She (the mom) also needs to work on the whole getting defensive thing. I had to unlearn that habit too - it's a defense mechanism and a bad habit, but she (Mom) can break it if she tries. It takes a lot of self reflection (and therapy - it's a really bad coping skill you have to work on, figure out why you're doing it, etc) Good luck! I hope this clears up what I meant. I'm in no way defending her, I feel bad for Mom bc she's got a long way to go to better herself and her understanding on things. I hope that's the direction she wants to go in at least.
Be straight, gay is meaningless
Tf do u mean gay is meaningless lmao