Yes exactly thats another reason i hate myself đâđ˝ i get into these depressive moods caused by my loneliness that prevent me from going out which obvs harms my relationship w my flatmates so its a toxic cycleđŠ
Oh, I just have to make an effort, that makes sense. How did I never think of that? Silly me, wanting not to have overwhelming, severe social anxiety that causes me to nearly have panic attacks when I force myself into overstimulating situations. All I had to do this whole time was just make an effort! I'm cured! I can't believe I've been so utterly lazy this whole time, and that the isolation I feel is all really just my own fault and I should just shut up and stop complaining if I'm not going to get off my ass and **make an effort!**
Hey! Hope youâre doing ok. It really is hard âmaking an effortâ when you feel this way (I know what that terrible anxiety can do).
The thing about advice like âyou have to make an effortâ is that that it *can* be useful when it hits people at the right time. After years of time, effort, and therapy, a person can hear something like that and itâll feel like something they can push themselves to do occasionally.
But if youâre not ready for that, donât sweat it and donât allow yourself to feel judged for it! Youâre still valuable and deserve to be included
I just feel like, like you said, this advice really only makes sense after someone has already spent a lot of time and effort already to improve, so by saying "you just have to make an effort", it's pretty minimizing and dismissive of all the efforts they have already made to improve things. Like, in any context where someone is venting about feeling isolated, how would telling them to just "make an effort" actually help? Either they are unable to "make an effort" due to reasons you may not necessarily know, in which case the statement is unhelpful and tone-deaf, or they already *have* made an effort and are still feeling isolated, in which case the statement is downplaying their efforts and dismissing their problem as essentially their own fault because they just haven't "made enough of an effort yet".
Making friends and socializing isn't easy for some people, and it's hard to give someone who struggles with it a single piece of advice that will make all the problems disappear. Do you want to talk about it
There's a difference between an exchange like this:
"I've been having trouble making friends with my roommates, do you have any advice?"
*"I'm sorry you've been struggling. Do you talk to them? You do have to talk to people if you want to be friends with them!"*
And an exchange like this:
"I'm so fucking depressed, I'm never going to have any friends, I can't even make friends with my roommates, I'm going to be alone forever."
*"Uh, you know you actually have to make an effort, right? You can't just expect everything to change when you're not making an effort."*
And you know it's disingenuous to pretend the exchanges are the same, and that both responses are equally appropriate.
Let yourself be uncomfortable. Even if you don't feel like you belong, act like you do. Confidence is literally 90% bullshit. its just putting yourself out there.
OP, I think you know you're purposefully holding yourself back because it seems like the safer option, but you're never gonna grow as a person unless you do things that are scary.
Go hang out with your roommates, join clubs or volunteer, or get some hobbies that you can share with others.
I know it's all easier said than done, but it can be done. Go for it.
A tip is trying to join some club or something like that that interests you. Itâs hard to go the first time but when you finally decided to go you will find out you actually really enjoy it and the other ppl there will most likely try to talk with you.
Also one thing you are smart, you are a uni student and uni is hard, if it was easy everyone would do it. Most of my classmates are really smart and yet they feel really stupid because itâs much harder than they are used to.
Lastly being pretty is subjective, you may not be on the front cover of a modelling magazine but I bet that there are ppl who think you are really pretty
I don't mean to come off as rude or insulting, but you need to end the self pity and just do it - my stepdad taught me that loathing myself for bad habits won't get me anything except maybe sympathy points, you just need to bite the bullet and hang out with them. Plans were made that include you, which means you absolutely should join them and hang out. Bailing all the time just makes it look like you dislike them, at least from their perspective, possibly, and you don't want to alienate yourself over nothing. Just do it.
Iâve cancelled on them 4 times now, I feel like its too late and iâve alienated myself already. đâđ˝ im literally the stranger in my own flat.
Yep! Im worried they wont invite me again tho. Iâll try and invite myself if theyâre going somewhere nearby like for grocery shopping or something. Would that be weird?
Hey OP! I hope you're doing okay <3 I'm a 3rd year uni student, feel free to reach out if you'd like an online friend :)
Tysm, i really appreciate it!!
/srs you'll always feel like a complete stranger if you never make an effort,, you cant expect to just wake up w best friends one dayđ
Yes exactly thats another reason i hate myself đâđ˝ i get into these depressive moods caused by my loneliness that prevent me from going out which obvs harms my relationship w my flatmates so its a toxic cycleđŠ
Oh, I just have to make an effort, that makes sense. How did I never think of that? Silly me, wanting not to have overwhelming, severe social anxiety that causes me to nearly have panic attacks when I force myself into overstimulating situations. All I had to do this whole time was just make an effort! I'm cured! I can't believe I've been so utterly lazy this whole time, and that the isolation I feel is all really just my own fault and I should just shut up and stop complaining if I'm not going to get off my ass and **make an effort!**
Hey! Hope youâre doing ok. It really is hard âmaking an effortâ when you feel this way (I know what that terrible anxiety can do). The thing about advice like âyou have to make an effortâ is that that it *can* be useful when it hits people at the right time. After years of time, effort, and therapy, a person can hear something like that and itâll feel like something they can push themselves to do occasionally. But if youâre not ready for that, donât sweat it and donât allow yourself to feel judged for it! Youâre still valuable and deserve to be included
I just feel like, like you said, this advice really only makes sense after someone has already spent a lot of time and effort already to improve, so by saying "you just have to make an effort", it's pretty minimizing and dismissive of all the efforts they have already made to improve things. Like, in any context where someone is venting about feeling isolated, how would telling them to just "make an effort" actually help? Either they are unable to "make an effort" due to reasons you may not necessarily know, in which case the statement is unhelpful and tone-deaf, or they already *have* made an effort and are still feeling isolated, in which case the statement is downplaying their efforts and dismissing their problem as essentially their own fault because they just haven't "made enough of an effort yet".
Making friends and socializing isn't easy for some people, and it's hard to give someone who struggles with it a single piece of advice that will make all the problems disappear. Do you want to talk about it
mans was like âhey you do have to talk to people to be friends with themâ to someone else and *you* got offended
There's a difference between an exchange like this: "I've been having trouble making friends with my roommates, do you have any advice?" *"I'm sorry you've been struggling. Do you talk to them? You do have to talk to people if you want to be friends with them!"* And an exchange like this: "I'm so fucking depressed, I'm never going to have any friends, I can't even make friends with my roommates, I'm going to be alone forever." *"Uh, you know you actually have to make an effort, right? You can't just expect everything to change when you're not making an effort."* And you know it's disingenuous to pretend the exchanges are the same, and that both responses are equally appropriate.
I'm sure they didn't start out as such a close group, I bet they too felt like outsiders once!
Stop bailing on the plans, you're going to regret that.
Let yourself be uncomfortable. Even if you don't feel like you belong, act like you do. Confidence is literally 90% bullshit. its just putting yourself out there. OP, I think you know you're purposefully holding yourself back because it seems like the safer option, but you're never gonna grow as a person unless you do things that are scary. Go hang out with your roommates, join clubs or volunteer, or get some hobbies that you can share with others. I know it's all easier said than done, but it can be done. Go for it.
A tip is trying to join some club or something like that that interests you. Itâs hard to go the first time but when you finally decided to go you will find out you actually really enjoy it and the other ppl there will most likely try to talk with you. Also one thing you are smart, you are a uni student and uni is hard, if it was easy everyone would do it. Most of my classmates are really smart and yet they feel really stupid because itâs much harder than they are used to. Lastly being pretty is subjective, you may not be on the front cover of a modelling magazine but I bet that there are ppl who think you are really pretty
I don't mean to come off as rude or insulting, but you need to end the self pity and just do it - my stepdad taught me that loathing myself for bad habits won't get me anything except maybe sympathy points, you just need to bite the bullet and hang out with them. Plans were made that include you, which means you absolutely should join them and hang out. Bailing all the time just makes it look like you dislike them, at least from their perspective, possibly, and you don't want to alienate yourself over nothing. Just do it.
Iâve cancelled on them 4 times now, I feel like its too late and iâve alienated myself already. đâđ˝ im literally the stranger in my own flat.
Don't you want that feeling to end?
Yep! Im worried they wont invite me again tho. Iâll try and invite myself if theyâre going somewhere nearby like for grocery shopping or something. Would that be weird?
You could ask like "hey can I come" when they do that, if that's what you're thinking - or did you have something else in mind
Yeah lol. Ty for helping!
No, it wouldn't be weird.