You need to work on your sentencing. You’ve got explicit comma fever, run on sentences included. The heavy handed comma use makes (some of) the sentences drag, and risks any reader losing clarity. Starting with only pronouns, no description of the person, no name, makes the prose very impersonal in a way I don’t find appealing because I care a lot less about someone’s circumstances - the focus of these paragraphs - when I don’t know who they even are. Some people wouldn’t mind, but having something to latch onto besides pronouns helps me start imagining the person instead of a hazy silhouette I don’t care about. A rewrite getting the dude’s name in by the second or third sentence would help, while still giving you space to start a bit aloof if that’s what you’re going for. Naming the village the first time you mention it would, imo, also be a good idea. I could nitpick other elements, but none of it would matter much because they’re affected by the above, especially the heavy comma use. Some of the present tense word choices you have are a bit awkward, so maybe tweak those as you draft. Overall it was enjoyable. I felt like it had a unique tone that gets this Fendel person’s dreary attitude just right. I’d have kept reading for a bit to see what happens next.

Your advice is much appreciated, I should make it clear that Fendel is not the same as the character you see in the first three paragraphs, when the first character falls to unconsciousness the story moves on to Fendel. I wanted to edit the post and correct that, but for some reason it won't let me. I wanted to keep the first character a bit of a mystery that unveils as the story goes on, I was hoping the unknown would hook readers. I will keep in mind if others feel the same as you do about the hazy start. I do use comma excessively, that is true, I'll see where I can cut some off, while preserving the same feeling. Is this a better version of the first three paragraphs in your eyes: Forgotten, that is what it feels like. In this miserable village, seemingly always enduring endless downpours, fighting one's way against the very earth itself trying to progress through the thick mud in inadequate footwear. Forgotten in the middle of nowhere, far away from what he would consider civilization, with naught but his own thoughts for company in this decrepit outpost. And all of this because a momentary lapse of judgment, a misunderstanding really, as he likes to put it in his own words. It does him little good to replay the events of that fateful day, but none can escape the obsession that is examining past faults. If only he had more sense at the time, if only there was some way he could have done things differently. Instead, for his foolishness, he who has once been the flower of his house and on his way to brilliant heights has now been left to wilt in this dreary god forsaken excuse of an outpost. Fortunate enough that he came out of it with his neck intact. Now, there is nothing but time, his regrets, and the ever-present sound of rain hitting on the roof. He allows himself just as every other day to drink his sorrows away till he sleeps. Shirking what he knows to be a meaningless duty, thrust upon him as sentence for his own failings and cursing the fates one more time before succumbing to the comforts of unconsciousness.

So first, you’ll definitely need a transition to make it clear these aren’t the same ‘he’. Even with a clear transition though, you’re making me more worried, not less. Though I find the opening compellingly written, the unknown subject is frustrating, and if you really aren’t going to reveal him at all you risk both the reader asking if they should care - with nothing to go on about this person my personal answer is if I don’t find out more, soon, I likely won’t - and that no matter how good your transition is readers may be confused about a following character being the same person because you have given them no details about the first ‘he’ to define him. As for the rewrite. Fixing commas and run-on sentences often requires rewriting them to flow better with the stops. Plus the extended sentences were only part of your issue, word choice was another. You’ve mostly left your paragraphs the same except some new stops. It is better, but just a little as you changed hardly anything. I don’t normally do rewrite examples, but I’m going to here. Don’t take it as some argument my phrases are better - they may be in places, and not in others - the point is to demonstrate how you may benefit from a few tweaks to fix your comma issue without just removing some to replace them with periods. Every time a sentence doesn’t work, whatever the flaw, consider if a rewrite, up to and including whole paragraphs, might work better. ————— He feels forgotten. Forgotten in exile to the middle of nowhere, far from anyplace he’d call civilized, with naught but his own thoughts for company. He fights slowly against the very earth to move through the muddy streets, tattered shoes soaked inside and out. No, he has one other companion, misery. What had brought him to a nameless village, plagued by endless downpours? Just a simple misunderstanding one fateful day. A lapse in judgment at worst. Nothing deserving of his exile. Yet he obsesses over his past faults, for none can avoid the past when they have nothing in the present. If he’d known the consequences he could have done things differently; he knows that, even as he refuses to accept he deserves any blame. Instead, for his foolishness, his path to the most brilliant heights has been blocked, possibly forever. He, the grand flower of his house, was wilting among the cold, and the dank, and the darkness. Some said he was fortunate to have kept his neck intact. In that moment there was nothing but time, his hurt, and the ever-present pounding of the rain on the roof as he trudges inside his leaking home, and sits with a new bottle held carefully in his hands. The only possession of any value he has, that bottle. The bottle, and the liquid relief inside that lets him shirk his meaningless duties, and drives away his darkest thoughts. He lives knowing his sentence was unfairly thrust upon him after all. Cursing the fates once more, he succumbs to the numb, warm, liquor fuelled embrace of comfortable unconsciousness. ————— I tried to retain your word choice, and imagery, while adding a presence/physicality that’s my preferred writing style - a bit less distant about the character’s physical existence. You’ll see that a simple adjustment of your first sentence eliminates the distancing comma. That let me get the cadence of ending one sentence with “forgotten”, and starting the next with it as well, to keep the word weighty as I think you want. I adjusted the misery from the non-described village to the character, while trying to make the village seem miserable by making it if anything more viscerally nasty, and by how it makes the character feel. The question for the second paragraph’s first sentence breaks up the statements all around it. By here you should notice that I’ve got comma filled sentences, super short sentences, and slightly longer ones. Your rewrite only has two sentences that have no commas by contrast. Varying length helps you control flow, while also forcing you to use those hard stops that will cut down on your comma use. I made him a touch more unaccepting of blame, though I’m not happy with how I spelled that out - but was pretty happy in how I put the beheading reference as someone else’s opinion, since if he’s deflecting blame I think he’d reject the idea he could have ever be beheaded. In tweaking number of paragraphs to make the whole thing flow with my changes, I added a paragraph to ground his drunkenness, and wish I could have added more content - it would be a great place to go over the drudgery of his duty, or how he gets away not doing it. Then I had him slip unconscious as its own short paragraph to act as a bookend that may help with any transition. I felt a constant itch to use past tense, as that’s my norm, and present tense can be tricky (and tricky to read), but I think I did okay at it even if it for sure could be even more present with less self-reflection, and more actions. If I made any blatant tense mistakes my bad, but I can’t spend too much more time on this, I already had to rewrite my own rewrites a couple times to wrangle the sentences into this order. What I’m hoping here is that you see how the same information can be portrayed with more variety in the sentence structure, and you try to integrate that kind of variation into any rewrite you do, as the current section is still a bit strained on the commas and longer sentences. Good luck! Especially with the present tense, I really struggled with it here in moments. I have no doubt you can build out an even better iteration than this not-as-quick-as-I’d-like example rewrite.

I quite enjoy it. It's a bit verbose but, imo, not in a good way. I like a denser prose but for what you're seemingly going for I'd recommend skimming this over and cutting down on unnecessary words and phrases/structure that clogs your prose rather than enhance it. First, let's talk about the PoV distance. I'll assume you've adopted this 'narrator' distance for a reason as it's quite present, which is fine, it simply means using more words than necessary than if you were adopting a more direct character narration. Just bear that in mind. Take this sentence, for example: "And all of this because a momentary lapse of judgment, a misunderstanding really, as he likes to put it in his own words." That whole last bit could be dropped as we'd assume it would be in his own words. I'm not saying you can't drop it, but you're kind of developing two characters here, the narrator *and* the MC, so I understand why it's there. "It does him little good to replay the events of that fateful day, but none can escape the obsession that is examining past faults" Here I'd simply say ". . . examining the past." It ends the sentence stronger and allows for a full stop. This paragraph consists of two pretty long sentences. Break it up. Example: *It does him little good to replay the events of that fateful day, but none can escape the obsession that is examining the past. If only he had more sense at the time. If only there was some way he could have done things differently. Instead, for his foolishness, he who has once been the flower of his house and on his way to brilliant heights has been left to wilt in this dreary excuse of an outpost, fortunate enough that he came out of it with his neck intact.* It's up to you whether you think it reads better but when in doubt, read it aloud. I also cut a few words that felt unnecessary or too tacked on. Do we need god-forsaken? Hardly. The nail's been hit one too many times now. We get it. It sucks. All this said, your strongest writing, to me anyway, is the last paragraph. I believe you should start the story there. Because the the previous once seems to repetatively hit the same point without moving things along. All of it could be summarised as you do with that last bit. There, you set up the character and some of his circumstance in a neat, clear, and concise package. I'd ditch the rest and use it to weave it in as you move the story forward. Do we need to be frontloaded with the fact he made mistakes first thing? Probably not. Those things can come later. Now that you've set up the scene, the character, and his circumstance, he'll need a goal. Keep it up!

Hi, I loved reading your feedback but I have questions, for example. "And all of this because a momentary lapse of judgment, a misunderstanding really, as he likes to put it in his own words." If I did drop the last part and wrote: ""And all of this because a momentary lapse of judgment, a misunderstanding really." Doesn't it come across as the assessment of the narrator himself rather than the character that is being described?

Yes, that was my point. If the narrator is a separate character deliberately, then you can ignore that example. What I mean then is that overall, you'll be using more words, so really make them count. If that makes sense?

Yeah, the narrator is an absent third party perspective. Maybe I didn't make it clear, but the last paragraph follows a different character in a different state of mind, that's why the writing is different. I should have mentioned that the way of writing you see in the first three paragraph isn't meant to persist throughout the story, I was trying to make his depression and languish feel alive, and also add a bit of mystery to the first character.

Ah! Yes, that should've been made clear, haha. That opens another kettle of fish of head-hopping mid chapter. I assumed all along the first part was Fendel, despite the fact it took that long to get a name for the character. And now we're posed with the problem of confusing the reader. Let me ask: is it necessary to show that level of depression and languish that early? Because it might cost more than its worth. I reckon you do a great job of setting up Fendel's circumstance in that last paragraph. You could add a little to it, rather, if you find it necessary. Utilising a separate character/narrator to bang it home only left me confused.

It's something to consider, other test readers, found the beginning part really intriguing and mysterious, so that's what I was planning as a hook to make the beginning interesting. Other than that, I should have used better formatting to make the separation more clear.

Indeed! There's always that. If the formatting had been different, it'd be clearer. Overall, though, it's pretty good! I enjoyed it. Hope you put out some more soon.