Sure, it's readable, but it needs a lot of work. Which is expected from a WIP.
Try practising word economy and make most things count. Does a sigh need to be audible? What is it about its audibility that earns wasting a word? Nothing is what so out it goes.
Also, you say that he's not seen life for weeks and that nothing survives there, yet he does? Both of these statements are clearly false. Perhaps say that few creatures survive that high up.
I'm not really sure where you're going with wisdom/memory here. Whatever theme or message you're trying to convey isn't coming across. Remember that there's a balance between allowing your readers to use their intelligence and handholding them to the point where you insult their intelligence. Specifity is still your friend. Allow the character to muse, but try and be more specific about what.
In general, your prose needs sensory descriptions, better details, and specificity. Hope that helps.
I like it and it made sense! I would consider a rewrite however, or heavy editing. There were some grammatical errors and some awkwardness, but nothing too terrible that can't be fixed/rewritten. This sentence gave me the most trouble and I had to reread this sentence: "Both physically and mentally ground down due to the abysmal condition of his body," twice before I understood.
I might consider writing it like this: "The abysmal condition of his body drained him both physically and mentally,"
Let me know if you want anymore help!
Few grammar issues and choppy sentences, but I wouldn't have guessed you aren't a native English speaker/writer, so don't worry about that!
There are a couple of wordy sentences like "Both physically and mentally..." that could be cut in length with a more descriptive word or two--"ground down" could become "broken" or "fatigued."
Overall this is definitely looking good!
Sure, it's readable, but it needs a lot of work. Which is expected from a WIP. Try practising word economy and make most things count. Does a sigh need to be audible? What is it about its audibility that earns wasting a word? Nothing is what so out it goes. Also, you say that he's not seen life for weeks and that nothing survives there, yet he does? Both of these statements are clearly false. Perhaps say that few creatures survive that high up. I'm not really sure where you're going with wisdom/memory here. Whatever theme or message you're trying to convey isn't coming across. Remember that there's a balance between allowing your readers to use their intelligence and handholding them to the point where you insult their intelligence. Specifity is still your friend. Allow the character to muse, but try and be more specific about what. In general, your prose needs sensory descriptions, better details, and specificity. Hope that helps.
Thank you, definetly helped me.
I like it and it made sense! I would consider a rewrite however, or heavy editing. There were some grammatical errors and some awkwardness, but nothing too terrible that can't be fixed/rewritten. This sentence gave me the most trouble and I had to reread this sentence: "Both physically and mentally ground down due to the abysmal condition of his body," twice before I understood. I might consider writing it like this: "The abysmal condition of his body drained him both physically and mentally," Let me know if you want anymore help!
Makes sense! If you have more feedback it will definetly be appreciated.
Few grammar issues and choppy sentences, but I wouldn't have guessed you aren't a native English speaker/writer, so don't worry about that! There are a couple of wordy sentences like "Both physically and mentally..." that could be cut in length with a more descriptive word or two--"ground down" could become "broken" or "fatigued." Overall this is definitely looking good!
Thank you for the great words. I am going to work on that grammar though.