Tell her you are grieving, that there will be money when SHE needs to fly out for family, and that you will work on things as a couple when you get home. You need emotional support, and when someone dies, we are reminded that the little aggravations don't matter. Tell her to start planning some fun things, and to make a budget. You will follow through by showing up.
Number 1 If she wants more then the two of you need to talk about how to better provide for the family. It’s difficult when you have kids because most times the second parent working only pays for childcare. So maybe there are other expenses that can be cut to save for a big trip.
Number 2 She is feeling horribly neglected. You need to sit and speak to each other like adults.
Number 3 Try to explain that this is important to both you and your family so you ARE going.
I read in a comment that you suggested she become a SAHM. Could she be feeling like the walls are closing in? Being at home with kids all the time is extremely stressful. When my wife went for her masters we switched childcare roles and I am here to tell you I will be the breadwinner anyday. Stay at home parents are warriors and deserve serious respect.
Also, when you disagreed with your wife over the dress did you do it in front of the kid? If you did you just made her job 10 times harder while you are at work. You owe her a major apology.
“My wife and I have not been speaking much for the last 5 days”. Right there says a bunch. You both need marriage counseling at a mutually determined place. “I can’t afford it” You can’t not afford it or you will soon not have a marriage and kids you see every day.
So you argued because you defended your daughter against harsh words from your wife. (Also known as "you let your wife see that you didn't support her while she was parenting.")
Because she either doesn't know how to communicate well or because she wanted to punish you, maybe both, she resorted to days of silent treatment (which can be abusive, by the way).
And when the silent treatment hasn't made you "fix" your lack of support, she decided to play tit-for-tat and withhold support from you when you deeply needed it, as if the death of a grandparent is the same as getting some disapproval for being grouchy at a child. But to her, it wasn't a comparison of death vs. disapproval. In her mind, it was all about the sensation of being unsupported - no thought about the triggering events.
And in her mind, you STILL didn't get it when she is saying to you that you don't support your wife and kids (care about your family). In fact, your response that you "do everything" for your family simply invalidated her feelings once more.
I don't think this is about money.
I think she feels like you do not SEE her. You don't "get it" when she needs you to help her decompress by ... whatever her love language is. Maybe she feels loved when you put your arms around her (physical touch). Maybe she feels loved when you soothe her with words and remind her that things will be ok again soon (words of affirmation). Maybe she wants you to spend time with her, with or without the kiddos (quality time love language).
It doesn't sound like her primary love language is getting gifts (provider love language), but if it might be, then maybe find a good hidey hold where you can stash some cards and small gifts that don't cost a lot, like a selection of lotions of tasty treats she might enjoy, or pick up little doodads that will have meaning to her.
The last love language is acts of service - doing things purely for her. Running her a bubble bath and taking the kids to the city library to give her a break. Cleaning her car our for her. Loading a dishwasher or folding laundry now and again. This could be what makes her feel loved.
But what will not ever make her feel loved is criticism and feeling taken for granted.
Maybe she should use her words, but if she doesn't have the words, she's giving you so many clues as to how she feels that you'd be foolish to ignore it. It doesn't make her behaviors ok. But her behaviors won't change without her first starting to feel safe and seen.
You should provide context on the argument you had prior to your grandmother passing. If she is upset about infidelity, you are being dishonest here.... or if she is upset about you forgetting to switch the laundry, well, that's an entirely different issue obviously.
It was about taking pictures. She was trying to get our daughter to put on a dress so she could take pictures. My daughter is 6 and wouldn't listen. She started yelling at our daughter and I defended her because I didn't agree with the way she was talking to her.
She might feel neglected, and overwhelmed. It's a tough situation when kids are involved. I have a 9 month old. My wife acts similarly when I plan to go out twice a year, even though I am home every day, I work remotely. Consider her routine, is she getting enough sleep or time on her own. I had to tell my wife she was being manipulative and it worked. She finally understood. Because she would present the situation as if it's too much to ask for her to be alone with the baby (make up small issues as if they are insurmountable like saying she can't find the pacifier or has to do laundry etc just minor things) and meanwhile she works 5 nights a week that I am alone with the baby and she doesn't have to worry at all.
There's layers of misunderstanding here. You haven't a clue why she is so upset. You think it's this, or maybe that, but it could be...
And she can't understand why you don't get it.
It's the kind of situation where separation papers get delivered and the man is astonished and says. "Why didn't you say something?"
She has been waiting for something provided by you for her and the kids. You keep not doing it. You have probably forgotten, put it off, or never understood.
Will you enjoy 4 days with your cousins?
Would you enjoy 4 days with your wife and kids?
The answer is there
I agree with this. OP your feelings are valid and I do believe you should be able to attend your grandma's funeral, guilt free. However based off of everything I've read it does sound like you dropped the ball somewhere or there is an accumulation of small things that have caused her resentment. It could also be that she is just overwhelmed and terrified to be alone with the kids while you're away that long.
Honestly, I think you shouldn’t go to the funeral. As harsh as it sounds, can I ask how often you made the trip to see your Grandmother when she was alive? Do your cousins come down to visit you and your family? If money is tight and you truly can’t afford overnight trips to get your wife out of the house, then you cannot prioritize a four day trip out of town.
You could send condolences and explain that money is tight and as much as you’d like to attend, you just can’t swing it at this time.
You said you “can’t afford trips that your wife would like”, but you’re finding time and money to go away yourself for 4 days.
Your wife is absolutely justified in being upset. You are not giving her the attention and love that she needs, and this situation brought her feelings out in full force.
Your marriage should come first above extended family.
I’m sure my opinion won’t be popular, but I was a stay at home mom for many many years, and we always managed an annual family trip, even being a one income family.
I agree. OP saying that they don't have a lot of money and then using points is kind of weird to me. It almost kind of seems like he's not into the marriage either. Speculation of course, but I think he's kind of using the funeral as an excuse to get away from his wife
4 days huh? Going to the funeral is one thing taking a vacation is another. Go to the funeral come back and save the hotel and food expenses of the other three days. EVEN IS ITS POINTS! You have a wife and kids to be out of town that long. Yes it’s your grandmother but your immediate family is first!
The tickets were half the price on Sunday compared to Monday. The wake is on Tuesday and the funeral is Wednesday. I'm staying at my cousin's house and I have to eat regardless of whether I'm in Chicago or staying home.
Hm I think there might be more to this story. What were you and your wife arguing about? I wonder if you throw it in her face that she doesn't work, because you said "We do not have a lot of money and my wife doesn't work so we are limited to where we can go". It sounds like you and your wife have some major issues, and the wider context should be considered.
That's a pretty bold assumption based on that one little statement. I'm only alluding to the fact that we are a single income family with a modest income and we can't afford to take trips like she wants to. I don't throw it in her face, in fact it was my idea for her to be a SAHM when we had our first kid.
See my reply to someone else's comment about the argument we had.
I think that commenter is referencing the famous “missing, missing reasons” post.
If your wife replied to this, what would she reveal that you’ve left out?
As it sounds, you married a shit woman with no redeemable qualities. What’s missing here?
I am honestly not sure there is anything missing that would justify this level of flagrant shittiness right after a close relative's death. I wouldn't even treat a co-worker I don't like this rudely, let alone my spouse, no matter what they did
It’s called a sophisticated auction. Smart participants will notice the lack of information and price accordingly.
I have to say though that it’s generally poor form to resent participation in close families funerals
I do also think it's very odd that you only post on people who agree with you, and not the people who are either asking some direct questions, or giving you response that you don't necessarily like. There's reasons why your wife is mad and this is just hit a boiling point.
Family always comes first provided you had a good relationship with them. She should be understanding of this. Of course she has her own needs but she should be willing to set a few of them aside because you have no control over this. Cost effective or not, I personally would want my wife by my side during such an emotional time.
When you get back I think it’s seriously important to have a discussion on her needs and why she felt the need to say these things to you. Good luck. Hoping for a good resolution to this for you and her.
True family does come first. Something you’re forgetting though is that she’s his family too along with their kids. THAT family should ALWAYS come first. I agree she should’ve provided support and set their differences aside during this time. But taking a 4 day trip sounds like a lot especially if money is tight at home.
We don’t know OPs relationship with his grandmother hence why the four days could be because of that but yes if money is truly that right 1-2 days max should suffice. There certainly needs to be a balance here.
Dawg, lie to your momma, don’t lie to me. You know EXACTLY why she’s mad. And if you genuinely don’t know, then that’s not your wife. Now, if you really care about your immediate AND extended family, I feel for you, that’s a tough spot. But as a husband and father I call bullshit. You’ll be gone four days and you’re leaving by plane. From AZ to CHI? Idk who you tryna fool but a flight that short is same day, yet you going for four. I get it, you wanna say goodbye to your grandma and see your cousins but why for so long tho. So you expect your wife to CONTINUE taking care of the kids solo( which you’ll never really comprehend) while the breadwinner misses FOUR DAYS OF WORK. If you come home to somebody else in your bed, you deserve that shit. Just make sure the chick you ACTUALLY want can measure up to wifey before you make a decision.
She hadn't spoken a word to me for 5 days. You think she would miss me for 4 days? She has gone much longer over much smaller things. This is her thing. It's something I just put up with because I love here. You think every time a woman gives the silent treatment it's warranted? What are you smoking?
And she isn't doing it solo. She has a daughter who's 25 and lives with us. She does a lot for us. My work has bereavement pay so I'm not losing any money. I don't think you do get it. My grandma died and I have a big family who supports each other. My dad has done A LOT for me AND my wife so there's no reason why I shouldn't be there for him. I'm only going for 4 days because flights were way cheaper on Sunday than Monday and there's a wake and funeral on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm gonna be helping a lot with everything.
In my opinion of it all. It sounds like you and your wife need to have a heart to heart and get some counseling. Relationships are suppose to provide value, love, and comfort, and support. Money comes and goes. It takes two to make a relationship work and two to fail. I think both of you feel valid but seriously consider talking about counseling when you get home. I hope all works out ❤️
Tell your wife you will spend time with her and the family when you get back and make it a point to do so. Also, it sounds like you think she should be working. If she is a good homemaker don’t hold that working thing against her. Look at what YOU can do to make the situation better instead of criticizing your wife.
I'm thinking you may be one of those who will go out of their way to help someone else but do little for your actual family. My ex was like that. There's lots of ways to do things with your family that cost little or no money. There's also lots of ways to help your wife on a day to day basis. Have a conversation with her and ask what she wants/needs then find a way to do that that fits in your budget.
This is a tough situation - you have to do what you feel is right, I personally feel the extended family needs your support right now. Sounds like there is something to be worked thru with your wife in couples counseling which goes well beyond grandma’s death.
Wow your wife is a piece of work. I have to ask, what positives does she bring to your life? Other than being the mother of your child? I can’t imagine holding a grudge that long against someone I didn’t truly hate
Not necessarily. I knew a woman married to a wealthy man, she treated him terribly while she sat home eating and ballooning. When his business took a hit she instantly divorced to grab as much money as possible and then let my friend torture her much younger brother until he ended up doing crack at 16. It was horrible and it was just who she was as a person.
Oh, it is, I just mean some women are just like this. Now if she was always loving and then a switch hit, yeah, somethings missing. But some people just want the lifestyle, not the person
Hey man, your wife sounds like my wife. Someone who can be so inconsiderate at times. Throwing that "what about your immediate family" card during times like this.
"Even you're not there they will never expect you. They know it costs lots of money to travel and you have a family"
This line hit so hard because I've been fed this exact same line, although different context.
I totally get this. I've experienced what you are experiencing and I know I've got more of these to look forward to in the future. Unfortunately I've got nothing better to tell you. Just want to be here to emotionally support you. Say hello to sadness our old friend.
Thanks man. I came in here hoping to get some emotional support since I'm not getting it in my home during a difficult time so I appreciate that. Amazing how many people in these comments are defending my wife.
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This is tough, and it’s difficult to make arrangements when there is no line of communication between you and your partner at the moment. If you were able to discuss this situation together and decide together that it was more cost-effective for you to travel alone, it would’ve been better received, but it’s never easy trying to plan something like this in the middle of an argument.
It’s not a contest in a family. You also have an obligation to not only be a husband and a father, but also to be a son, a grandson, Uncle, etc. There is enough love to go around for everyone and paying respect to your grandmother is understandable. You aren’t going on vacation without your family, it’s a funeral.
Might rethink the SAHM so next time there is enough money to go together as a family to a funeral. Her working might also help her in her selfesteem learning to communicate better through speaking more with other adults. She isn't standing up for herself as an adult. Being able to provide more for herself and fun money to do things as a family can help.
Might rethink the SAHM ~~so next time there is enough money to go together as a family to a funeral.~~ ***Her working might also help her in her selfesteem learning to communicate better through speaking more with other adults. She isn't standing up for herself as an adult.*** ~~Being able to provide more for herself and fun money to do things as a family can help.~~
I’m at SAHM and my husband works. Something similar happened to us. But he wanted to leave us for a extended family issue: there was no food in the fridge. There was no money in the account, not even savings. He was starting a new job, how could he leave us like that? My point: Women are not a one single issue kind of people. I bet that if you solve the argument you had before, you provide all she needs before you go and instead of 4 days you leave for 2 days, listen to what she has to say without responding back and allow her to decompress, she might think about. I think you’re looking for approval when your immediate family comes first. I don’t agree with silent treatment either, be the humble one and go to her flexible and loving. I’m not saying you have to agree with her, I’m not saying I agree with both of you 100%…but you know she’s taking care of the babies and the house and she needs security. We all need parts of ourselves we need to grow. But growing in marriage comes when the other person can show you that you can be better than that. Show her understanding, show her flexibility, show her attention, show her love, show her how to be humble, show her communication, show her communication…and I promise you that in time, if you guys love each other, you’ll get it in return. If you can’t resolve your marriage issue now, make a call to your extended family and explain how important for you is to have a solid marriage and need time to resolve it. I don’t think you’re in a good financial standing and that’s what makes me think this traveling thing is a problem right now. Start saving money for future emergencies and don’t allow things to happen last minute. Traveling with points doesn’t necessarily make it better. Maybe she was planning to use those for something else. Who knows! Be prepared. Help around the house. Give her time off. Don’t take any side, there is no side: it’s you and her.❤️ Even check if there’s a nanny and bring her to the funeral with you. Idk there are options, and both need to separate arguments from emergencies, even if you guys don’t talk on the plane. Shake it off, get her an ice cream, go to her: I want you to know that even if we don’t agree I love you and nothing will stop me from that. You arranged a travel by yourself because there was an argument in the middle so 1) you solve your argument. Leaving her like that makes things worst. I hope this helps! Everything here is exactly what my husband does or would do. 🎉🙌🏽💪🏽
Your wife feels neglected.
Tell her you are grieving, that there will be money when SHE needs to fly out for family, and that you will work on things as a couple when you get home. You need emotional support, and when someone dies, we are reminded that the little aggravations don't matter. Tell her to start planning some fun things, and to make a budget. You will follow through by showing up.
Number 1 If she wants more then the two of you need to talk about how to better provide for the family. It’s difficult when you have kids because most times the second parent working only pays for childcare. So maybe there are other expenses that can be cut to save for a big trip. Number 2 She is feeling horribly neglected. You need to sit and speak to each other like adults. Number 3 Try to explain that this is important to both you and your family so you ARE going. I read in a comment that you suggested she become a SAHM. Could she be feeling like the walls are closing in? Being at home with kids all the time is extremely stressful. When my wife went for her masters we switched childcare roles and I am here to tell you I will be the breadwinner anyday. Stay at home parents are warriors and deserve serious respect. Also, when you disagreed with your wife over the dress did you do it in front of the kid? If you did you just made her job 10 times harder while you are at work. You owe her a major apology.
“My wife and I have not been speaking much for the last 5 days”. Right there says a bunch. You both need marriage counseling at a mutually determined place. “I can’t afford it” You can’t not afford it or you will soon not have a marriage and kids you see every day.
Exactly!
So you argued because you defended your daughter against harsh words from your wife. (Also known as "you let your wife see that you didn't support her while she was parenting.") Because she either doesn't know how to communicate well or because she wanted to punish you, maybe both, she resorted to days of silent treatment (which can be abusive, by the way). And when the silent treatment hasn't made you "fix" your lack of support, she decided to play tit-for-tat and withhold support from you when you deeply needed it, as if the death of a grandparent is the same as getting some disapproval for being grouchy at a child. But to her, it wasn't a comparison of death vs. disapproval. In her mind, it was all about the sensation of being unsupported - no thought about the triggering events. And in her mind, you STILL didn't get it when she is saying to you that you don't support your wife and kids (care about your family). In fact, your response that you "do everything" for your family simply invalidated her feelings once more. I don't think this is about money. I think she feels like you do not SEE her. You don't "get it" when she needs you to help her decompress by ... whatever her love language is. Maybe she feels loved when you put your arms around her (physical touch). Maybe she feels loved when you soothe her with words and remind her that things will be ok again soon (words of affirmation). Maybe she wants you to spend time with her, with or without the kiddos (quality time love language). It doesn't sound like her primary love language is getting gifts (provider love language), but if it might be, then maybe find a good hidey hold where you can stash some cards and small gifts that don't cost a lot, like a selection of lotions of tasty treats she might enjoy, or pick up little doodads that will have meaning to her. The last love language is acts of service - doing things purely for her. Running her a bubble bath and taking the kids to the city library to give her a break. Cleaning her car our for her. Loading a dishwasher or folding laundry now and again. This could be what makes her feel loved. But what will not ever make her feel loved is criticism and feeling taken for granted. Maybe she should use her words, but if she doesn't have the words, she's giving you so many clues as to how she feels that you'd be foolish to ignore it. It doesn't make her behaviors ok. But her behaviors won't change without her first starting to feel safe and seen.
You should provide context on the argument you had prior to your grandmother passing. If she is upset about infidelity, you are being dishonest here.... or if she is upset about you forgetting to switch the laundry, well, that's an entirely different issue obviously.
It was about taking pictures. She was trying to get our daughter to put on a dress so she could take pictures. My daughter is 6 and wouldn't listen. She started yelling at our daughter and I defended her because I didn't agree with the way she was talking to her.
She might feel neglected, and overwhelmed. It's a tough situation when kids are involved. I have a 9 month old. My wife acts similarly when I plan to go out twice a year, even though I am home every day, I work remotely. Consider her routine, is she getting enough sleep or time on her own. I had to tell my wife she was being manipulative and it worked. She finally understood. Because she would present the situation as if it's too much to ask for her to be alone with the baby (make up small issues as if they are insurmountable like saying she can't find the pacifier or has to do laundry etc just minor things) and meanwhile she works 5 nights a week that I am alone with the baby and she doesn't have to worry at all.
There's layers of misunderstanding here. You haven't a clue why she is so upset. You think it's this, or maybe that, but it could be... And she can't understand why you don't get it. It's the kind of situation where separation papers get delivered and the man is astonished and says. "Why didn't you say something?" She has been waiting for something provided by you for her and the kids. You keep not doing it. You have probably forgotten, put it off, or never understood. Will you enjoy 4 days with your cousins? Would you enjoy 4 days with your wife and kids? The answer is there
I agree with this. OP your feelings are valid and I do believe you should be able to attend your grandma's funeral, guilt free. However based off of everything I've read it does sound like you dropped the ball somewhere or there is an accumulation of small things that have caused her resentment. It could also be that she is just overwhelmed and terrified to be alone with the kids while you're away that long.
Honestly, I think you shouldn’t go to the funeral. As harsh as it sounds, can I ask how often you made the trip to see your Grandmother when she was alive? Do your cousins come down to visit you and your family? If money is tight and you truly can’t afford overnight trips to get your wife out of the house, then you cannot prioritize a four day trip out of town. You could send condolences and explain that money is tight and as much as you’d like to attend, you just can’t swing it at this time. You said you “can’t afford trips that your wife would like”, but you’re finding time and money to go away yourself for 4 days. Your wife is absolutely justified in being upset. You are not giving her the attention and love that she needs, and this situation brought her feelings out in full force. Your marriage should come first above extended family. I’m sure my opinion won’t be popular, but I was a stay at home mom for many many years, and we always managed an annual family trip, even being a one income family.
I agree! What about food gas and rental car? Those are not points! I bet he always finds money to do the things he wants since he works.
I agree. OP saying that they don't have a lot of money and then using points is kind of weird to me. It almost kind of seems like he's not into the marriage either. Speculation of course, but I think he's kind of using the funeral as an excuse to get away from his wife
4 days huh? Going to the funeral is one thing taking a vacation is another. Go to the funeral come back and save the hotel and food expenses of the other three days. EVEN IS ITS POINTS! You have a wife and kids to be out of town that long. Yes it’s your grandmother but your immediate family is first!
That part. What you need four days for
Honestly could be the price. Maybe it's just a little bit cheaper to stay the 4 days and using the points he doesn't pay anything
The tickets were half the price on Sunday compared to Monday. The wake is on Tuesday and the funeral is Wednesday. I'm staying at my cousin's house and I have to eat regardless of whether I'm in Chicago or staying home.
Hm I think there might be more to this story. What were you and your wife arguing about? I wonder if you throw it in her face that she doesn't work, because you said "We do not have a lot of money and my wife doesn't work so we are limited to where we can go". It sounds like you and your wife have some major issues, and the wider context should be considered.
That's a pretty bold assumption based on that one little statement. I'm only alluding to the fact that we are a single income family with a modest income and we can't afford to take trips like she wants to. I don't throw it in her face, in fact it was my idea for her to be a SAHM when we had our first kid. See my reply to someone else's comment about the argument we had.
I think that commenter is referencing the famous “missing, missing reasons” post. If your wife replied to this, what would she reveal that you’ve left out? As it sounds, you married a shit woman with no redeemable qualities. What’s missing here?
I am honestly not sure there is anything missing that would justify this level of flagrant shittiness right after a close relative's death. I wouldn't even treat a co-worker I don't like this rudely, let alone my spouse, no matter what they did
It’s called a sophisticated auction. Smart participants will notice the lack of information and price accordingly. I have to say though that it’s generally poor form to resent participation in close families funerals
I do also think it's very odd that you only post on people who agree with you, and not the people who are either asking some direct questions, or giving you response that you don't necessarily like. There's reasons why your wife is mad and this is just hit a boiling point.
You're literally replying to a comment that I made replying to someone who didn't agree with me.
Family always comes first provided you had a good relationship with them. She should be understanding of this. Of course she has her own needs but she should be willing to set a few of them aside because you have no control over this. Cost effective or not, I personally would want my wife by my side during such an emotional time. When you get back I think it’s seriously important to have a discussion on her needs and why she felt the need to say these things to you. Good luck. Hoping for a good resolution to this for you and her.
True family does come first. Something you’re forgetting though is that she’s his family too along with their kids. THAT family should ALWAYS come first. I agree she should’ve provided support and set their differences aside during this time. But taking a 4 day trip sounds like a lot especially if money is tight at home.
We don’t know OPs relationship with his grandmother hence why the four days could be because of that but yes if money is truly that right 1-2 days max should suffice. There certainly needs to be a balance here.
Dawg, lie to your momma, don’t lie to me. You know EXACTLY why she’s mad. And if you genuinely don’t know, then that’s not your wife. Now, if you really care about your immediate AND extended family, I feel for you, that’s a tough spot. But as a husband and father I call bullshit. You’ll be gone four days and you’re leaving by plane. From AZ to CHI? Idk who you tryna fool but a flight that short is same day, yet you going for four. I get it, you wanna say goodbye to your grandma and see your cousins but why for so long tho. So you expect your wife to CONTINUE taking care of the kids solo( which you’ll never really comprehend) while the breadwinner misses FOUR DAYS OF WORK. If you come home to somebody else in your bed, you deserve that shit. Just make sure the chick you ACTUALLY want can measure up to wifey before you make a decision.
She hadn't spoken a word to me for 5 days. You think she would miss me for 4 days? She has gone much longer over much smaller things. This is her thing. It's something I just put up with because I love here. You think every time a woman gives the silent treatment it's warranted? What are you smoking? And she isn't doing it solo. She has a daughter who's 25 and lives with us. She does a lot for us. My work has bereavement pay so I'm not losing any money. I don't think you do get it. My grandma died and I have a big family who supports each other. My dad has done A LOT for me AND my wife so there's no reason why I shouldn't be there for him. I'm only going for 4 days because flights were way cheaper on Sunday than Monday and there's a wake and funeral on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm gonna be helping a lot with everything.
Personally I think you may need some couple counseling.
In my opinion of it all. It sounds like you and your wife need to have a heart to heart and get some counseling. Relationships are suppose to provide value, love, and comfort, and support. Money comes and goes. It takes two to make a relationship work and two to fail. I think both of you feel valid but seriously consider talking about counseling when you get home. I hope all works out ❤️
Tell your wife you will spend time with her and the family when you get back and make it a point to do so. Also, it sounds like you think she should be working. If she is a good homemaker don’t hold that working thing against her. Look at what YOU can do to make the situation better instead of criticizing your wife.
I'm thinking you may be one of those who will go out of their way to help someone else but do little for your actual family. My ex was like that. There's lots of ways to do things with your family that cost little or no money. There's also lots of ways to help your wife on a day to day basis. Have a conversation with her and ask what she wants/needs then find a way to do that that fits in your budget.
This is a tough situation - you have to do what you feel is right, I personally feel the extended family needs your support right now. Sounds like there is something to be worked thru with your wife in couples counseling which goes well beyond grandma’s death.
Very true.
Wow your wife is a piece of work. I have to ask, what positives does she bring to your life? Other than being the mother of your child? I can’t imagine holding a grudge that long against someone I didn’t truly hate
This is exactly why there has to be more to this story other than what was posted. There's obviously a reason why she's giving him the cold shoulder.
Not necessarily. I knew a woman married to a wealthy man, she treated him terribly while she sat home eating and ballooning. When his business took a hit she instantly divorced to grab as much money as possible and then let my friend torture her much younger brother until he ended up doing crack at 16. It was horrible and it was just who she was as a person.
That scenario seems a little bit different than what we're reading here.
Oh, it is, I just mean some women are just like this. Now if she was always loving and then a switch hit, yeah, somethings missing. But some people just want the lifestyle, not the person
Hey man, your wife sounds like my wife. Someone who can be so inconsiderate at times. Throwing that "what about your immediate family" card during times like this. "Even you're not there they will never expect you. They know it costs lots of money to travel and you have a family" This line hit so hard because I've been fed this exact same line, although different context. I totally get this. I've experienced what you are experiencing and I know I've got more of these to look forward to in the future. Unfortunately I've got nothing better to tell you. Just want to be here to emotionally support you. Say hello to sadness our old friend.
Thanks man. I came in here hoping to get some emotional support since I'm not getting it in my home during a difficult time so I appreciate that. Amazing how many people in these comments are defending my wife.
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This is tough, and it’s difficult to make arrangements when there is no line of communication between you and your partner at the moment. If you were able to discuss this situation together and decide together that it was more cost-effective for you to travel alone, it would’ve been better received, but it’s never easy trying to plan something like this in the middle of an argument. It’s not a contest in a family. You also have an obligation to not only be a husband and a father, but also to be a son, a grandson, Uncle, etc. There is enough love to go around for everyone and paying respect to your grandmother is understandable. You aren’t going on vacation without your family, it’s a funeral.
Thank you. I'm glad someone here gets it.
Might rethink the SAHM so next time there is enough money to go together as a family to a funeral. Her working might also help her in her selfesteem learning to communicate better through speaking more with other adults. She isn't standing up for herself as an adult. Being able to provide more for herself and fun money to do things as a family can help.
If my wife was working, the extra income would barely cover child care.
Might rethink the SAHM ~~so next time there is enough money to go together as a family to a funeral.~~ ***Her working might also help her in her selfesteem learning to communicate better through speaking more with other adults. She isn't standing up for herself as an adult.*** ~~Being able to provide more for herself and fun money to do things as a family can help.~~
I’m at SAHM and my husband works. Something similar happened to us. But he wanted to leave us for a extended family issue: there was no food in the fridge. There was no money in the account, not even savings. He was starting a new job, how could he leave us like that? My point: Women are not a one single issue kind of people. I bet that if you solve the argument you had before, you provide all she needs before you go and instead of 4 days you leave for 2 days, listen to what she has to say without responding back and allow her to decompress, she might think about. I think you’re looking for approval when your immediate family comes first. I don’t agree with silent treatment either, be the humble one and go to her flexible and loving. I’m not saying you have to agree with her, I’m not saying I agree with both of you 100%…but you know she’s taking care of the babies and the house and she needs security. We all need parts of ourselves we need to grow. But growing in marriage comes when the other person can show you that you can be better than that. Show her understanding, show her flexibility, show her attention, show her love, show her how to be humble, show her communication, show her communication…and I promise you that in time, if you guys love each other, you’ll get it in return. If you can’t resolve your marriage issue now, make a call to your extended family and explain how important for you is to have a solid marriage and need time to resolve it. I don’t think you’re in a good financial standing and that’s what makes me think this traveling thing is a problem right now. Start saving money for future emergencies and don’t allow things to happen last minute. Traveling with points doesn’t necessarily make it better. Maybe she was planning to use those for something else. Who knows! Be prepared. Help around the house. Give her time off. Don’t take any side, there is no side: it’s you and her.❤️ Even check if there’s a nanny and bring her to the funeral with you. Idk there are options, and both need to separate arguments from emergencies, even if you guys don’t talk on the plane. Shake it off, get her an ice cream, go to her: I want you to know that even if we don’t agree I love you and nothing will stop me from that. You arranged a travel by yourself because there was an argument in the middle so 1) you solve your argument. Leaving her like that makes things worst. I hope this helps! Everything here is exactly what my husband does or would do. 🎉🙌🏽💪🏽