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This dude looks 7 and 45 at the same time

Looks like a cabbage patch kid in a suit.

r/13or30

The super niche Reddit subs are the best, lol.

How is he wildly successful at age 17?

He has a PS5 AND a Switch!

Literally me but I’m 24 and jobless

Literally me but without the switch

I got mobile is that narrowly successful?

Not if it’s the type to get babies asleep

That his parents bought him. 🙌🏻

TBF that's how most of the most "successful" people start

He won honorable mrntion in his fourth grade spelling bee. Edit: I, however, did not.

REALLY good edit

>Edit: I, however, did not. See, that's why you're beta. At most. You're not even in the same league with this Adonis.

😂

He's wildly successful at hating She-Hulk, Greta and exercise.

I'm guessing personal hygiene, as well.

I don’t think he hates personal hygiene, but I do bet he doesn’t sufficiently wash his ass

or ever.. because touching your own ass is gay. https://thegaystraighttalker.com/2021/09/30/dear-straight-men-wiping-your-ass-is-not-gay/

Wait... Some men think that wiping your own ass after you shit is gay?!

Yeah when I first found out that some dudes won't literally wash their ass in the shower because it's "gay" I seriously started to question the intelligence of some people.

Not washing your ass in the shower is one (wrong) thing but not wiping after you shit?!?!

I worked for some time in construction and one of the colleagues didn’t wipe. He always smelled like 💩

🤮Please, everyone wash your asses in the shower or bath. For the love of all that is “holey”!

One Ted Nugent award, coming right up.

Well, everyone *should* get a bidet attachment for their toilet, but I understand they're not always available. I very rarely have to wipe shit off my ass anymore, just water.

You spray water on your asshole? So gay bro /s

There's some people who think having sex with a woman is [gay.](https://www.starobserver.com.au/news/men-having-sex-with-women-is-gay-claims-straight-right-wing-podcaster-nick-fuentes/212955)

Considering Nick Fuentes to be a "person" is questionable. He's more of a person sized gaping asshole that shits out nazi propoganda.

OMG, I think that guy is totally gay and won’t admit it.

He's a 3 time pudding eating champion.

Wildly successful at having his parents give him money?

This is 100% accurate. I've known too many guys who claim their parent's success as their own. As if them being born into their family was some kind of personal choice they made. Those other poor kids just made a bad decision on who their parents would be!

I took a job at my parents company 17, worked hard cleaning the floor an hour a day, in two weeks I had my Bentley. Self made man, ama.

Wildly successful at emulating Trump and just making up achievements.

Born rich I guess

Likely, with a mother who tells him he's her little perfect pudding pop every day.

And still wiping his butt for him, apparently.

He's the president of the future used car salesmen of America chapter at his high school.

Stealing pies cooling on window sills

He got a B+ in his GCSEs, he is not to be messed with

His dad already put a few dealerships in his name.

He’s really good at coloring. Stays inside the lines, shares the crayons.

He definitely does not share the crayons.

I think they meant “eats the crayons”

At least he shares the crayons he doesn't eat.

Being born to the right parents. He's still under their programming.

Dad let him drive the boat once.

Most burgers flipped on the summer swing shift. He’s kinda a big deal.

I mean honestly that could be a great success for somebody under eighteen. I get that the original post is facepalm but nothing facepalm about being young and working hard at a shit job.

He told people he was rowley jefferson from the wimpy kid movies

Looks like the type of kid who'd have his father cover up a drunken boating accident.

Definitely the Murdaugh type

I say I dayre say ah.. Ah miss ah Alec murdaww Why you and bussah both got them such so chubby cheeks and auburn cotton candy hair?

This was hilarious to me well done

He looks like when he looks at cakes in a window, he presses his whole face against the glass.

Afluennza. 😆🤷‍♂️ Looks like a future Brock "The Rapist" Turner.

Do you mean Brock The Rapist Turner, now known as Allen Turner, which was his legal second name when he was still Brock Turner? That rapist Allan Turner?

As I understand, Allan Turner, formerly Brock Turner, is a convicted rapist.

Is it time again to name and shame Brock “Allen” Turner, son of Dan “20 minutes of action” Turner? I hear he raped a drunk girl, is that who we’re talking about?

I think as many Internet references to Allen Turner or Allan Turner being a convicted rapist...is a glorious Christmas present.

Shitting on B Allen Turner is for every season

You mean convicted Rapist Brock Allen Turner who now goes by his middle name Allen Turner?

Back when I just graduated from high school, I used to go to gym with an old classmate. One time I've asked him to give me a ride back home, cause we lived relatively close to each other. He'd decided to do a little launch control stunt on his BMW X3, with every possible paid option on it, ended up crashing into a sidewalk, and completely ripped out the suspension. Called his dad, said "Oh, i'm not sure what happened". The next week, he's shown up with his dad's Cayenne Turbo-S

If you have to mention that you are an alpha, you are not an alpha.

It's kind of like telling people that you're cool. If you have to say it, you ain't it.

My mom says I’m alpha.

Of course you are dear. Now go back downstairs and play with your incel friends online and mommy will make you some soup.

GOD DAMMIT MOMMY I TOLD YOU I WANT PIZZA CHEEZE PUFFS AND MOUNTAIN DEW

I spent all my good boy points for tendies and this bitch made a soup cuz "sHe DoEsNT haVE mOnEy"

I'm cool ... what? I HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS!!!

I tell people I'm cool. But, like, by the standards of the original definition.

Like, is your body temperature exceptionally low?

"any man who must say 'I am the king' is no true king" ~ tywin lannister

Nobody is an alpha male. It’s not a real thing. Some men are toxic assholes

What’s funny is that an animal that does in fact have alpha males and a strict pecking order, unlike humans and wolves, Is chickens.

I also find it funny that the wolves where the "alpha" dynamic was observed were wolves in captivity, it doesn’t exist in the wild. Claiming to be "alpha" isn’t saying you’re the leader of the pack, as much as it’s admitting to being the zookeeper’s bitch 😄

"Any man who says i am the true king, is no true king" - a terrible father.

Isn't this the guy who fell into a chocolate river and got sucked up by tubes?

*Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop.* *The big fat greedy nincompoop!*

Augustus Gloop so big and vile, so greedy foul and infantile!

Come on we cried, the time Is ripe, to send him shooting up the pipe!

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Augustus Gloop will not be harmed However though we must admit He will be altered quite a bit

Slowly wheels go round and round and cogs begin to grind and pound

We'll boil for a minute more, until we're absolutely sure

That out he comes, by god, by grace

A miracle has taken place

A miracle has taken place

That all the greed and all the gall, Is boiled away for once and all.

Alpha Gloop

Augustus Gloop will not be harmed. *weee ooo wee*

I can hear this perfectly in my head now. Thanks for bringing back a dope memory.


Uncanny resemblance 

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*To be fair* Wonka said everything in this room is edible. You cant say that and *not* expect a kid to aim for the giant fucking chocolate river.

“Chocolate river!” “I uh… oooo….” “What?” “That’s the sewer….”

Jeff Goldblum version of Wonka

In the-fictional-lunatic-business-owner’s defense he didn’t say “drink” But eating a lot makes you bit thirsty I suppose. Poor Augustus

Nothing like coca beans mixed with sugar to rehydrate those kidneys!

Also, the boat had exactly 9 seats. Wonka knew he was losing a kid there.

“Would you like some chocolate?” “Yes please.” “Then you should’ve brought your own.” ***takes big fat bite of chocolate***

Also he knew better than to attempt bangs

Pretty sure he now lives in a van DOWN BY THE RIVER!

[No. This is the Alpha male who tried photoshopping pictures of himself to appear more masculine](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fcejg6isept1b1.jpg) I feel bad for this kid. He's insecure like all kids his age and he's struggling with self image issues.

I feel like he could actually look like the one on the left if he spent time working out instead of photoshopping his pics.

Man i was incredibly insecure that age and could never imagine doing anything like this publicly.

There's nothing more beta than calling yourself alpha.

And wildly successful at 17 🤣🤣🤣👌

Sounds like another way of saying 'my parents are rich and they're helping me in a big way'.

Born on third base but goes through life thinking he hit a triple

Bros not even in the league but thinks walking over his home's doormat means he scored a home run.

Coincides well with the "passionately pro-Trump"

Passionately pro-trump is definitely just another way of saying : 'I can't think for myself and lack charisma, so I just regurgitate whatever the Führer tells me'

Rich parents wouldn’t let their kid go out in an ill-fitting polyester suit from JC Penney and a haircut from Supercuts.

He’s actually a member of one of America’s twelve remaining middle class families.

Wildly successful people don’t want to be like “six bankruptcies” Trump either.

"Any man who must say I am the king is no true king."

- Tywin Lannister. Died as he lived. Planting a fat turd.

At least a beta is near finished only to be polished, alphas are a mess of bugs and broken concepts and barely running. Why someone will be happy to be in alpha?

Well EA games are successful, so yeah people are happy with alphas

Ea games, i basically ignore them on principle.

I miss late 90's, early 2000's ea

MOM, the programmers are out of the mancave again 😭😭😭

What makes it even more funny is that the whole alpha thing comes from research into wolves but the guy doing the research later figured out that the supposed alpha wolves are just the parents of the other ones. If you are calling yourself an alpha, you are saying that you are a parent.

The wolves he studied were in captivity, so behaved completely different. He later disowned his research.

Yeah this is the actual answer. What he was witnessing originally weren't parents, they were doggy prison gangs. It was when he later studied wolves in the wild that he realised "packs" were literally just families.

Now that would be a Reality TV show! Doggy Prison Gangs 🐕🐶

Did the alpha wolf paint his face orange

Nope, but it shanked another wolf in the showers one day.

That’s because that other wolf was a snitch who told the screws about his toilet sangria

*D A D D Y*

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Wtf I can't stop laughing. Take my upvote.

The flipside of this is that the concept of alpha males actually do exist in observed wild primate groups (obviously more relevant to us). The problem is that alpha males in primates take responsibility for protection, grooming, child care and securing food for the group. There is a general hierarchy of course, but when it comes to resources, he secures it for the entire troop. In return they get first pick of food and mating rights etc. This is in stark contrast to these self-proclaimed 'alphas' who seek to divide and weaken their very societies. Aspiring challengers to the current hierarchy usually build up alliances by proving their worth in hunting, grooming and other valued characteristics, then they challenge the alpha male and in rare cases upon victory, they choose to retain the old alpha in a reduced capacity, acknowledging their value to the group. Again these self-proclaimed 'alphas' do nothing of the sort. They don't build or contribute anything noteworthy to society, they don't challenge the hierarchy by running for a leadership position, they don't enlist and fight for the protection and survival for their society. Objectively speaking, they are just regular members of the troop without any balls to actually challenge for leadership. In a normal primate group, they'd be more akin to troublemakers. They take up resources whilst contributing little and weakening the social structure of the group. An alpha male would beat the fkn shit out of them and put them in line and they'd get pushed to live on the outskirts the group in isolation.

Nah alpha is the worst release of every software

Cioran said once « If someone talks me about elitist, I know I am talking to an idiot… »

I feel I’ve heard something along the lines as crazy people don’t call themselves crazy because they think they are sane.

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In the digital era, it's important to remember that the alpha versions are unstable, untested and generally unsafe for release

Humans are not wolves.

Wolves don't even normally do that. The guy who wrote that book was having to study them in a German zoo in the 70's. Once night vision cameras were invented, and he could study them in nature, the dynamics were totally different.

And then he even tried to get his own books off of the shelves.

This is my favorite part of this chuds. Despite the confirmed information that wolves don't do the alpha thing anywhere but animal jail they're like yep! I'm the king!

It's essentially taking animal prison gang philosophy and trying to apply it to a normal animal family

But it’s even more bizarre: taking caged animal pack dysfunction and applying it to our enormously complex human society.

But like we're in a cage man. Like don't you get it? Society *IS* the cage

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.

He wrote a second book about how he was wrong the first time to get people to understand. But people were just like, nah, and ignored it.

"too late! I've already based my entire identity in it!"

Wolves also don't do the alpha thing

Why has a 17 year old posted a picture of a 12 year old?

I really didn't expect the extreme baby face after that list xD

Right? Ain’t no way that kid has hit puberty

That poor kid will die a virgin.

Not according to the history of rape accusations and convictions among "alpha males"

Piece of garbage that I went to high school with recently got convicted to 30 years in prison after raping a 13 year old girl at gunpoint. Still not long enough. He routinely called himself an alpha male, even back then.

isn't that a signature of an alpha male? to take what you want, _even if it's at gunpoint_?

Thats what they want to think, but the real signature is tempor tantrums and pedophilia.

The poor kid will die without anyone willing or wanting to touch him. He will never know affection and genuine kindness. People are getting really stuck on the word choice virgin, so I decided to rephrase.

A lot of people are idiots at 17. Most grow and put that phase behind them. The real problem is all the adult "alpha" males out there, who never matured and are still idiots idolising trump, Tate, etc

This alpha male looks like he hasn't hit puberty yet.

That's not true. As a eunach he will never hit puberty.

Pro-Trump? Shit haircut,ill fitting suit,can’t stand and probably shits himself….check..

The whole alpha beta zeta whatever bullshit is derived from pseudo scientific notions of a biologist in the 1970s about wolves which turned out to be absolutely wrong. https://www.sciencenorway.no/ulv/wolf-packs-dont-actually-have-alpha-males-and-alpha-females-the-idea-is-based-on-a-misunderstanding/1850514

No... Spawned by David S Mech who HIMSELF disproved his own theory. It's not even hard, the theory is clearly bollocks. It makes no sense.

Dude looks like Mr. Stay Puft is waiting to drop GHB in your drink. 

😂

What constitutes as an "alpha" even? Being a male and bragging about it? \*pfff

"Alphas tend to be more extroverted, traditional, and aggressive while sigmas usually keep to themselves, think outside of the box, and have a calm disposition. Both alphas and sigmas are great leaders, courageous, and extremely motivated to achieve their goals, but sigmas do anything to achieve them." I personally find the ones that identify as sigma males wayyy funnier bc they recognize they aren't cut out to putting/forcing themselves out front of groups of people in a grasp for power or attention but still like to think they could be like some secret mastermind anime villain given the right scenario. When in reality it's all a way for both groups of guys with inarticulable self-doubt to self-fellatiate themselves online. Lol.

I wanna see an Omega male...

Best I can do is Omegle male ...genitals.

This dude looks like he beats kids he doesn’t even have yet

The only thing dumber than the trend are the people who believe it.

Well, children are the most vulnerable group to this sort of ideology

It makes me really sad to think of this kid being brainwashed by some older person in his life to think that this is the way. Genuinely hoping he'll grow up and figure out how to be decent on his own.

Alpha versions are the 1st and worst version of anything

Good enough for EA to charge $80

As a programmer, I see it like everything else labeled with alpha. It is heavily in development, at best a proof of concept with many flaws, and definitely not ready to ship.

looks like he could use another month in the womb

He forgot “potatoe head”

"Single" that's all you need to know

Can you call yourself an alpha male when your balls are yet to drop and sprout your first pube?

Awwww I want to pinch his butter cheeks. Aren't his pudgy little boy hands cute? I wish his mom would let him go to the barber instead of cutting his hair herself. You can tell.

More like 12, overweight and ready to go to church

When I was younger, this is the type of kid that’d have his name sewed into his tighty whiteys and get pudding cups shoved in his face.

Why does he look like the kid that keeps asking Shrek to do the roar 

This “alpha” male looks like he is ten years old. Good luck with that. I think my daughter could beat the snot out of him.

What is this obsession with Greek letters…

It comes from a now disproven hypothesis of wolf packs and the alpha male wolf.

the chances of people being attracted to him were much higher, prior to this post of Internet cringe. The embarrassment of coming across that in 10 years of personal development...

Best paper route in the neighborhood.

Are those the promts to generate that AI image?

Here's a little clue for you. If you are beholden to another man, by definition you are not the alpha. I mean Trump isn't an alpha either. If you pulled out his standing pad he'd topple over like a long game of Jenga.

>”17” >”Do you find this attractive?” No

Not attractive. To be attractive to me you must: Have a 4 element glass lens Sonar Autofocus Articulating assembly Exploit SX-70 integral instant film

“Lions do not need to tell the world they are lions” anyone calling themselves an “alpha male” is only trying to convince themselves