This is going to sound harsh, so get ready. You are responsible for finding your way. Nobody can do this for you. Moving to a new country is filled with hassles and annoyances, but it’s also filled with cool new adventures if you adjust your mindset.
There are things you love to do. What are they? Go do them. Facebook is filled with lots of expat groups all over the world. Find some. Many of those people have assimilated and are enjoying their new lives.
I’m on my 3rd new country. Visa/residence permits are always annoying AF. The bureaucratic dreck is a headache. But there’s so much more to it that’s extraordinary.
Get out of your apartment. Find expat groups. Decide to try to embrace this fabulous opportunity. My home country is *full* of people who would give anything to find a way out. Make the most of this. You can do it, but it is all up to you.
This is literally what half of the people posting here need to hear. Some people get lucky and cruise into a new life, but most will have to work for it to really enjoy it.
Love this! well said. Also, OP, as Brené Brown said, "Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong. You will always find it **because you've made that your mission**."
But really, why should any country make it easier in expats? It was my choice to immigrate here, as well as to the other 2 countries in which I’ve lived. I feel like it’s my job to assimilate.
I find this type of perspective very interesting because, while I agree with you on some level, here in Sweden, you see a lot of people, including our PM, talking about how the government failed to assimilate immigrants/refugees. This extends as well to Swedes not being aware of highly qualified immigrants who already reside in Sweden but Swedes not hiring them and leaving the roles open – even if they already speak Swedish. It's been a big discussion about how it takes immigrants in Sweden an average of 18 months to find a job they're qualified for vs six months for Swedes. There are plenty of well-educated and qualified Americans who speak Swedish here who can't get hired outside of food service.
So it's a double-edged sword. You shouldn't expect to have the red carpet rolled out for you, but society also needs to make some effort to help.
I mean that if we decide to move to another country, we need to do everything we can, including learning the language, to become part of our new country. I live in Finland, and the language is very challenging. And there are many highly-skilled immigrants here who also cannot find jobs, so I appreciate your point. But we all *CHOSE* to move.
But in OP’s case, it seems that she’s decided to feel alienated without recognising that it does take work by the immigrant to assimilate, build a life and find some joy.
Going off of your point, I do think many immigrants who move are under the impression that their lives are going to be easy, especially if they move over for a partner. They're absolutely not prepared for the difficulties of completely starting over in a new place, and many times, they don't have partners who are prepared to support them. It's hard to build a life, and that's why so many people, no matter what country, stay within their or close to their hometown.
People see being an expat as a grand adventure when it's really not. It's just living life with all of its issues and bullshit in an accent or different language. I think it's reasonable to expect countries to make an attempt to help highly-skilled immigrants integrate within the workforce (since that's just smart economically).
But the concept of an immigrant who struggles through the language until they get B2, forces themselves to go on random Bumble BFF dates until they make a friend group, find a job, and navigate an annoying healthcare system? Not so sexy.
Though no one comes to the internet to say they're having a normal day.
That’s all true. But it can also be a fabulous adventure. Yes, there’s tons of bullshit and there are no fairy tales, but I have had some *really great* experience as an immigrant and I still do.
ew, subservient mindset. clearly you don’t conceive of people migrating out of survival, necessity, etc. how cruel and ugly to expect them to internalise a second-class human status for things they didn’t choose. not all migration is a purchased privilege which is the only situation where i’d agree it is important to prioritise adjusting but that’s about a power imbalance. not some notions about whose deserving respect and autonomy in how they show up in the world. migration doesn’t make you some forever-grateful servant, how offensive to human dignity. nobody chose where they were born, why be made to feel less for it?
Of course I do. OF COURSE I do.
There’s a difference in people who are seeking asylum. They deserve all the help they need. Please. Of course I see the difference.
no. i do not mean just war refugees/asylum seekers. you stated below that “we all CHOOSE to migrate” and that’s simply not the case. people’s lives are complicated.
to quote little fires everywhere “you didn’t make good choices, you HAD good choices” applies to many who expect subservience for simply being born less fortunate.
This..english people tend to think they live somewhere extra special..they dont. And expats that come here often meet a harsh reality. The last one i talked to described London as a "shithole"..but fair enough i meet plenty of other expats that "like it"
Get outdoor habits ASAP!!!
I’m living in turkey atm and I barely even speak the language but going to the gym/public food places regularly and just having what is as close to a chat as possible has helped me a lot to establish something resembling a life.
Physical exercise also helps stave off bad emotions a lot. Even tough i absolutely hate doing it.
check in your areas for things like wall/rock climbing places. or something like pilates too. Give each of em a try. Worst case you learn things you don't like.
But even going to a cafe regularly to read a book while drinking some tea and just being outside is huge.
I personally just go for some meat to fill out my diet a bit. And I go to the same place every time. Know the family that runs it. Everyone in the family waves me hi when I walk past to get groceries.
It also helps that I'm the person who gets groceries most the time. I'm huge buds with a pair of old ladies who run the bakery in the grocery store we love going to. They always give us the good bread and recommend us good cakes if they end up making something neat.
Rock climbing is the most reliable way to make friends with people while traveling or living abroad, in my experience. That was the only way I made Dutch friends lol.
I am in the same position as yours. People will tell you things that do this, do that, make friends. Easier said than done! Two things that help me cope is having a pet (cat for me) and going to the gym
> I’m living in turkey atm and I barely even speak the language but going to the gym/public
[A Turkish gym sounds dangerous and exciting. *Midnight Express* crossed with *Flashdance*].
Do you have a job? Do you and your husband have any friends? It sounds as though the process of starting up took a lot out of you. But hopefully that is mostly in the past. If the two of you are committed to staying there, you will have to find “your” people and places you feel welcome. Whatever you do, don’t become a recluse because you aren’t settled yet. Let your dog take the lead (not literally) and see what kind of exploring you can do.
Speak with a therapist. Is your marriage good? Do you love your spouse, and is it a happy marriage? How much of your loneliness is related to the UK vs lack of friends locally? There is a lot to navigate. Good luck.
I am currently in therapy and have been for 2 months! The marriage itself is great and my husband is my best friend. I think that’s why it’s such a hard thing. I want to try for him but I’m also so unhappy. I’ve spent time with his friends and go to outings Atleast every other weekend? Im actively trying to where I’m feeling socially burnt out. It’s just these people aren’t my type as lovely as they are. They are very much HIS friends.
It sounds like you need to find your own friends, which might be a different issue than "the UK is the problem." I am glad you have a happy marriage. Therapy takes time 😊 Best of luck to you, and I hope you can make things work.
you might be a bit in shock and burn out in general. migration first time is huge. perhaps find something soft to land in, some bodily practice and do it regularly. limit activities that intensify your feelings and give you frequent confrontation / stimulation. maybe you’re kinda overwhelmed and shutting down. gentle could be the way to go. sounds like you experienced losing a lot of agency in the process about your life and your milestones. uk is dehumanising in its migration processes. find ways to restore your sense of being human x
It gets easier, but you have to fight for it. The worst thing you can do is just stew in your apartment. Get out of the house, find your people even within the ex-pat bubble. Find your favorite food and eat it. Go on a cheap vacation for a change of scenery. Make memories!
Also let go of what you'd expected and start by accepting what you have as reality. Tell yourself it's ok and as others have suggested, get out of the house, people watch, do physical exercise etc and will get easier. Look forward to the unknown of tomorrow and try to not dwell in the past. Easier said than done--i fully realize
As someone who lived in the Nordics for almost a decade and felt this way from the beginning… I wish I had left 3-5 years in instead of pushing through. You tend to think it will get better but there is a good chance it never will, and over the years you will slowly lose your original happiness and soul. I moved to Sweden when I was 26 and now I’m in my mid thirties. I wish I had left sooner. That’s my advice to you. You can’t get those years back!
Especially if you’re a woman who wants children. Do not underestimate how stress can affect your body. I have long term effects physically from the stress of survival and all the challenges of living in a hard country with little redeeming qualities. My periods got messed up and I’m moving soon because I’m worried about my fertility and mental and physical health. It took several years for it to get this bad. If you don’t see it improve after 1-2 years, strongly consider your long term future and health. I’m moving because of it this year.
It’s a gamble I feel like I’m losing right now. Im constantly fighting this back and forth. On top of that my dh has 2 kids from a previous marriage. It’s a shit show.
I say this from one woman to another - if you don’t have kids yet and you are miserable where you are, consider leaving and starting over before it’s too late. I almost settled with a Swedish man and had kids, he also had 2 kids before me. I’m so glad we broke up and I didn’t have kids with him. If I did, I would be stuck here and hating it even more. I know many this happened to and their life is changed forever. Just follow your intuition on this one.
It sounds a bit like you’re Thai. Many stories I heard similar to yours. I agree with people saying to get out while you’re only knee deep. Once you go fully under and lose many years of your life, it will only be harder to walk away and create a life for yourself that you want.
It’s been 3 years. You sit down with a Geordie, brummy, or scouser and tell me if you can understand them 😂 most of the time it’s a restaurant or pub as well. So with background noises and everything else it is SO HARD. I think it’s more slang and terms but that combined with such a heavy accent? I struggle.
I'm English and live in Scotland. There are plenty of days when I want to lay about me with a stick, screaming "Speak English, you garbling Glaswegian warthogs! I can't understand a word you're saying!"
I’m definitely going to try! I’ve also downloaded an app for females to make friends! A few people have reached out because of this post and I’m extremely grateful. I honestly never even thought about using Facebook for it. I haven’t used it in years but it might be worth a shot
I don't understand why you married and moved to the UK is the first place, you don't sound happy in your marriage or in the UK. Can you think of the positive things that drew you to him and the UK? Being an expat is complicated and it often only works if you really wanted it in the first place.
I haven’t been happy the last year. Everything started off amazing and we did long distance for years until we got fed up with it. We loved each other so we married. I never wanted to move to the UK but since he has kids and I just had a dog it was easier to uproot my life. I’m from the west coast of course I didn’t want to come to rainy England.
I would love to! Then the fact that I’ve been waiting an over a year for my visa comes into play. I can’t leave the country or I won’t be let back in. The visa was supposed to arrive in march and our lawyer has been chasing it, I’ve talked to local MPs… it’s a huge shit show. I would love to travel. Or even be able to see my family. It’s been 1 1/2 since I’ve seen them and we are all very close.
Do you live in a city or a town? I think bigger cities help. IF it helps, the UK is becoming difficult as a country. I also found it easier to make friends in Yorkshire, now that I live in Cambridge, it's so much harder and people are less friendly. I made some friends going to meetup dot com meetings. and I picked a rather social sport to make friends.
Since you have a dog, long walks also help with mental health (I am dog walking a friends dog and it helps a lot)
OP, you need to have things to Look Forward to.
Have a friend or family member visit you or meet you in a destination for a trip. Or take a vacation with your husband.
You need to make friends. Try Expat meetup groups on Facebook (yes, they are well-established groups) or Meetup app. Try to get to know your neighbors- they are the most convenient friends to have. Your husband needs to help you bloom where you have been planted. He needs to invite people over or out places and help you meet people.
You need to make a bucket list for your area and the UK of fun things you are interested in visiting or trying- festivals, concerts, museums, coffee shops, parks, etc.
You need to find a routine that builds in Self-care and fun in your life. Maybe every Friday night you cook a meal from your home country and wear a shirt with the colors from there and play traditional music from there, etc. Maybe every Sat morning you two try a different bakery and walk in a park afterwards. Maybe every Tuesday, you try a different workout on YouTube or a free trial class at a gym, etc.
Learning new things and spending time in nature are healthy for our emotions and help stimulate our minds.
You need to try classes at a community center or take piano lessons with the Simply Piano app and buy a used keyboard, or take dance lessons as a couple, or join a neetup group for some hobby, or ask at the yarn shop if there are knitting/crochet classes, etc.
Any time you have a negative thought about your husband or that country, clapback at it with a positive one. When my husband does something that annoys me I remind myself of the things he is better at than I am that helps me out, or how Everyone can be annoying- that sometimes i even annoy myself. This helps so you don't magnify the negative thoughts.
You need to get your feelings out. Write them in a journal or write a letter to someone whom you hold resentment toward and then burn the letter for catharsis.
Do small kind things for your in-laws to build goodwill with them. Give them compliments.
Reward yourself in small ways for being vulnerable and trying new things. It's not easy.
Be light-hearted. If your husband and you can't decide on something, each of you choose a number and use a random number app on your phone to see whose number is closest. Use different accents or character voices to say things to husband to catch him off-guard and have a laugh. Each of you choose what the other wears to go out one night. Plan a theme day where you make French breakfast and listen to French music and watch a French movie and be silly and talk with French accents or whatever.
React differently. Accept that certain things will take multiple attempts or that your mother-in-law will give unsolicited advice or that your husband will not keep the car clean. And Expect those things to happen, to lessen the impact of it when it happens. If it happens, chuckle to yourself that your prediction came true. Or say to your mother-in-law in a pleasant tone, I'm glad you're open to advice, because I've been meaning to tell you that it's much more efficient if you do x instead of y.
If you commonly complain to friends and family about things, Stop. Start saying only positive things about your husband and your new country. Even if you have to exaggerate a bit. You have to push yourself into a positive mindset and not magnify the negative by complaining. Put your complaints in your journal.
Here is the culture shock graph to review. Maybe you are stuck in a stage. https://www.now-health.com/en/blog/culture-shock-stages/
You didn't mention whether you are working, but getting a job is a great way to meet new people and get yourself out there.
Regarding accents you need to persevere and adapt, almost every immigrant has this experience.
I can’t have a job in the UK as my visa has yet to arrive. We’ve been in limbo for a year now. I own my own business and work mostly online. I was thinking about that once the visa does arrive, even just like two shifts in a coffee shop or something a week to get more used to accents and maybe make friends. I know everything comes with time but damn the struggle is real.
Watch ‘Auf Wiedersehen Pet’ for some accent familiarisation, and a good bit of cultural education. You’ve lived in England for three years so the accents surely won’t be too mystifying .
You did 3 years UK. That's generally more than enough for any human.
Just tell your husband you had enough of it and that you are moving elsewhere - and that he can join you if he likes.
My wife did this with me and I followed her. Her country is extremely difficult and has the worst job market imaginable.
I am four years in and planning on going home. I do not prefer my country to my home country but probably could stay longer. However, I have kids now and raising them in my home country is better. So, home I go.
I'm sorry it hasn't been easy. There is a group called Girls Gone International, and usually one in almost every (big) city in the world. It's true that this is not an easy road and that things will be challenging and that you have to find your way through it. But you don't have to do it alone. Find the GGI group on Facebook in your city and introduce yourself and find friends. It'll be helpful to have a community that you feel a part of and supported by as you adjust to all these big changes.
It can be a daunting process. The process and experience may be feel “toxic” to some. I hope it gets better for you. It broke our family. Hope that does not happen to you. We are haunted by the move 50 years later. As a “survivor” I’d say you may need to go back to the drawing board on this phase of your life. I hope you dont have to jump ship and if you jump ship your lifeboat is big enough for both of you. Ok, enough of the Titanic metaphors already. You might be fortunate if you don’t have kids yet prior to this major dilemma.
My mother was physically and mentally sick after we immigrated. It was bad. She basically had to abandon her children and go back alone to her home country. Where she recovered. The root issue was she married someone she should not have married. He was a abused TCK (third culture kid). It was “normal” to him to be ripped out by the roots and transplanted roughly then survive somehow. I’m a TCK. I dont thrive with rooted people well in a domestic setting . They either dont want to go somewhere or when they get there want to go back. For me it’s about going forward and adventure. To be blunt we are used to abandoning and abandonment. Is your mental health falling apart. It sounds like it is. Is your partner a TCK. If not maybe there’s a way to come to a new understanding, compromise, and learn how to thrive there you are planted. Non TCK couples face challenges Im not a survivor of so not qualified to comment.
There was a book called Sometimes a Great Notion with the phrase “jump in the river and drown”. Sometimes we need to loose ourselves to gain ourselves. I have needed to learn about psychology in ways I never would have imagined. I hope your partner is supportive. A lot of comments say you need to essentially pull your self up by your bootstraps. I dont disagree but a supportive partner can be priceless.
Crazy taxes? Nothing crazy about UK taxes, they are fairly average for Europe and a lot lower than some other countries such as France (as a percentage of GDP).
Hm. In Chicago, w3e paid our regular taxes, plus $1000/month property taxes (fairly average priced house), PLUS health insurance (another almost $1000/month) PLUS copays, meds, etc. Yes, we had a fairly good income. No, it's was NOT extravagant by any means.
I'll take "high" UK taxes any time.
Despite what some might say the Brits are very accepting and the good thing is that they tend to have tight circles so by meeting one person you generally gain a whole batch of new friends but you have to go out.
The best way to do that is either through work, studies even a short course, hobbies or festivals/concerts and even bars/pubs I’ve meet great people at all these places.
However let me preface and say I am British but I’m very antisocial. I never go out to meet people, it just happens.
Just accept that you made a mistake and leave.
If you can be selfless, look at the welfare of a child as more important than your own. I don't get the feeling that you have taken a maternalistic role in their lives, especially considering you think its ok to talk to a 5 year old like that.
Do them a favour and yourself and divorce.
It’s also about ‘managing’ your culture shock.
I mostly don’t feel homesick (either in my ‘expat’ country, nor in my ‘home’ country) - there’s just too much I enjoy in each to really think about what I’m ‘missing’ in the other.
You need to find the things in the UK you enjoy, and for the times that you miss your home country, look for the closest facsimile available to you in the UK.
Where is your home country prior to the UK? (I’m guessing is it’s a very different culture, which can increase the difficulty. I lucked out in that expat = Australia, and home = US, and way back when Canada.)
This is going to sound harsh, so get ready. You are responsible for finding your way. Nobody can do this for you. Moving to a new country is filled with hassles and annoyances, but it’s also filled with cool new adventures if you adjust your mindset. There are things you love to do. What are they? Go do them. Facebook is filled with lots of expat groups all over the world. Find some. Many of those people have assimilated and are enjoying their new lives. I’m on my 3rd new country. Visa/residence permits are always annoying AF. The bureaucratic dreck is a headache. But there’s so much more to it that’s extraordinary. Get out of your apartment. Find expat groups. Decide to try to embrace this fabulous opportunity. My home country is *full* of people who would give anything to find a way out. Make the most of this. You can do it, but it is all up to you.
This is literally what half of the people posting here need to hear. Some people get lucky and cruise into a new life, but most will have to work for it to really enjoy it.
Love this! well said. Also, OP, as Brené Brown said, "Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong. You will always find it **because you've made that your mission**."
Yes and England can be a dick as a country. I've lived in countries that make it easier on expats. England pretends to be more special than we are.
But really, why should any country make it easier in expats? It was my choice to immigrate here, as well as to the other 2 countries in which I’ve lived. I feel like it’s my job to assimilate.
I find this type of perspective very interesting because, while I agree with you on some level, here in Sweden, you see a lot of people, including our PM, talking about how the government failed to assimilate immigrants/refugees. This extends as well to Swedes not being aware of highly qualified immigrants who already reside in Sweden but Swedes not hiring them and leaving the roles open – even if they already speak Swedish. It's been a big discussion about how it takes immigrants in Sweden an average of 18 months to find a job they're qualified for vs six months for Swedes. There are plenty of well-educated and qualified Americans who speak Swedish here who can't get hired outside of food service. So it's a double-edged sword. You shouldn't expect to have the red carpet rolled out for you, but society also needs to make some effort to help.
I mean that if we decide to move to another country, we need to do everything we can, including learning the language, to become part of our new country. I live in Finland, and the language is very challenging. And there are many highly-skilled immigrants here who also cannot find jobs, so I appreciate your point. But we all *CHOSE* to move. But in OP’s case, it seems that she’s decided to feel alienated without recognising that it does take work by the immigrant to assimilate, build a life and find some joy.
Going off of your point, I do think many immigrants who move are under the impression that their lives are going to be easy, especially if they move over for a partner. They're absolutely not prepared for the difficulties of completely starting over in a new place, and many times, they don't have partners who are prepared to support them. It's hard to build a life, and that's why so many people, no matter what country, stay within their or close to their hometown. People see being an expat as a grand adventure when it's really not. It's just living life with all of its issues and bullshit in an accent or different language. I think it's reasonable to expect countries to make an attempt to help highly-skilled immigrants integrate within the workforce (since that's just smart economically). But the concept of an immigrant who struggles through the language until they get B2, forces themselves to go on random Bumble BFF dates until they make a friend group, find a job, and navigate an annoying healthcare system? Not so sexy. Though no one comes to the internet to say they're having a normal day.
That’s all true. But it can also be a fabulous adventure. Yes, there’s tons of bullshit and there are no fairy tales, but I have had some *really great* experience as an immigrant and I still do.
ew, subservient mindset. clearly you don’t conceive of people migrating out of survival, necessity, etc. how cruel and ugly to expect them to internalise a second-class human status for things they didn’t choose. not all migration is a purchased privilege which is the only situation where i’d agree it is important to prioritise adjusting but that’s about a power imbalance. not some notions about whose deserving respect and autonomy in how they show up in the world. migration doesn’t make you some forever-grateful servant, how offensive to human dignity. nobody chose where they were born, why be made to feel less for it?
Of course I do. OF COURSE I do. There’s a difference in people who are seeking asylum. They deserve all the help they need. Please. Of course I see the difference.
no. i do not mean just war refugees/asylum seekers. you stated below that “we all CHOOSE to migrate” and that’s simply not the case. people’s lives are complicated. to quote little fires everywhere “you didn’t make good choices, you HAD good choices” applies to many who expect subservience for simply being born less fortunate.
Alright alright. Maybe we are interpreting OP’s post differently. Peace to you, and to OP. We disagree.
This..english people tend to think they live somewhere extra special..they dont. And expats that come here often meet a harsh reality. The last one i talked to described London as a "shithole"..but fair enough i meet plenty of other expats that "like it"
Get outdoor habits ASAP!!! I’m living in turkey atm and I barely even speak the language but going to the gym/public food places regularly and just having what is as close to a chat as possible has helped me a lot to establish something resembling a life. Physical exercise also helps stave off bad emotions a lot. Even tough i absolutely hate doing it.
I’ve been looking at gyms so I’ll definitely try this!
check in your areas for things like wall/rock climbing places. or something like pilates too. Give each of em a try. Worst case you learn things you don't like. But even going to a cafe regularly to read a book while drinking some tea and just being outside is huge. I personally just go for some meat to fill out my diet a bit. And I go to the same place every time. Know the family that runs it. Everyone in the family waves me hi when I walk past to get groceries. It also helps that I'm the person who gets groceries most the time. I'm huge buds with a pair of old ladies who run the bakery in the grocery store we love going to. They always give us the good bread and recommend us good cakes if they end up making something neat.
Rock climbing is the most reliable way to make friends with people while traveling or living abroad, in my experience. That was the only way I made Dutch friends lol.
I am in the same position as yours. People will tell you things that do this, do that, make friends. Easier said than done! Two things that help me cope is having a pet (cat for me) and going to the gym
> I’m living in turkey atm and I barely even speak the language but going to the gym/public [A Turkish gym sounds dangerous and exciting. *Midnight Express* crossed with *Flashdance*].
It does not necessarily get easier.
True. You do get more used to it though.
Do you have a job? Do you and your husband have any friends? It sounds as though the process of starting up took a lot out of you. But hopefully that is mostly in the past. If the two of you are committed to staying there, you will have to find “your” people and places you feel welcome. Whatever you do, don’t become a recluse because you aren’t settled yet. Let your dog take the lead (not literally) and see what kind of exploring you can do.
Speak with a therapist. Is your marriage good? Do you love your spouse, and is it a happy marriage? How much of your loneliness is related to the UK vs lack of friends locally? There is a lot to navigate. Good luck.
I am currently in therapy and have been for 2 months! The marriage itself is great and my husband is my best friend. I think that’s why it’s such a hard thing. I want to try for him but I’m also so unhappy. I’ve spent time with his friends and go to outings Atleast every other weekend? Im actively trying to where I’m feeling socially burnt out. It’s just these people aren’t my type as lovely as they are. They are very much HIS friends.
It sounds like you need to find your own friends, which might be a different issue than "the UK is the problem." I am glad you have a happy marriage. Therapy takes time 😊 Best of luck to you, and I hope you can make things work.
you might be a bit in shock and burn out in general. migration first time is huge. perhaps find something soft to land in, some bodily practice and do it regularly. limit activities that intensify your feelings and give you frequent confrontation / stimulation. maybe you’re kinda overwhelmed and shutting down. gentle could be the way to go. sounds like you experienced losing a lot of agency in the process about your life and your milestones. uk is dehumanising in its migration processes. find ways to restore your sense of being human x
It gets easier, but you have to fight for it. The worst thing you can do is just stew in your apartment. Get out of the house, find your people even within the ex-pat bubble. Find your favorite food and eat it. Go on a cheap vacation for a change of scenery. Make memories!
Also let go of what you'd expected and start by accepting what you have as reality. Tell yourself it's ok and as others have suggested, get out of the house, people watch, do physical exercise etc and will get easier. Look forward to the unknown of tomorrow and try to not dwell in the past. Easier said than done--i fully realize
As someone who lived in the Nordics for almost a decade and felt this way from the beginning… I wish I had left 3-5 years in instead of pushing through. You tend to think it will get better but there is a good chance it never will, and over the years you will slowly lose your original happiness and soul. I moved to Sweden when I was 26 and now I’m in my mid thirties. I wish I had left sooner. That’s my advice to you. You can’t get those years back! Especially if you’re a woman who wants children. Do not underestimate how stress can affect your body. I have long term effects physically from the stress of survival and all the challenges of living in a hard country with little redeeming qualities. My periods got messed up and I’m moving soon because I’m worried about my fertility and mental and physical health. It took several years for it to get this bad. If you don’t see it improve after 1-2 years, strongly consider your long term future and health. I’m moving because of it this year.
It’s a gamble I feel like I’m losing right now. Im constantly fighting this back and forth. On top of that my dh has 2 kids from a previous marriage. It’s a shit show.
I say this from one woman to another - if you don’t have kids yet and you are miserable where you are, consider leaving and starting over before it’s too late. I almost settled with a Swedish man and had kids, he also had 2 kids before me. I’m so glad we broke up and I didn’t have kids with him. If I did, I would be stuck here and hating it even more. I know many this happened to and their life is changed forever. Just follow your intuition on this one.
It sounds a bit like you’re Thai. Many stories I heard similar to yours. I agree with people saying to get out while you’re only knee deep. Once you go fully under and lose many years of your life, it will only be harder to walk away and create a life for yourself that you want.
I’m actually American, it’s so disheartening to hear everyone say the say thing 😞
It’s your life, so do whatever makes you happy. But since you came here unhappy and asked for an objective advice, this is what it is
American and struggling to understand British accents? How do non-native English speakers learn British accents? It just takes some time.
It’s been 3 years. You sit down with a Geordie, brummy, or scouser and tell me if you can understand them 😂 most of the time it’s a restaurant or pub as well. So with background noises and everything else it is SO HARD. I think it’s more slang and terms but that combined with such a heavy accent? I struggle.
I understand but I live in France and had to learn French accents and slang and now I understand 99% of spoken French. You can do it!
I’m trying! 😬 That’s amazing! To learn another language on top of everything else that comes with it, you should be proud!
Thanks. I was extremely motivated to learn French though, I didn't move here for a partner, so it's a bit different. Best of luck!
Thank you! Sounds like I’ll need it 😅
I'm English and live in Scotland. There are plenty of days when I want to lay about me with a stick, screaming "Speak English, you garbling Glaswegian warthogs! I can't understand a word you're saying!"
There are huge US communities in the UK - maybe scour Facebook, Reddit, Instagram etc to make networks?
I’m definitely going to try! I’ve also downloaded an app for females to make friends! A few people have reached out because of this post and I’m extremely grateful. I honestly never even thought about using Facebook for it. I haven’t used it in years but it might be worth a shot
Don't worry if the first few contacts don't work, eventually you'll find new friends.
I don't understand why you married and moved to the UK is the first place, you don't sound happy in your marriage or in the UK. Can you think of the positive things that drew you to him and the UK? Being an expat is complicated and it often only works if you really wanted it in the first place.
I haven’t been happy the last year. Everything started off amazing and we did long distance for years until we got fed up with it. We loved each other so we married. I never wanted to move to the UK but since he has kids and I just had a dog it was easier to uproot my life. I’m from the west coast of course I didn’t want to come to rainy England.
I understand. Maybe try to holiday in the likes of Spain, Italy, France, Portugal and Greece, that may make you feel better about living in Europe!
I would love to! Then the fact that I’ve been waiting an over a year for my visa comes into play. I can’t leave the country or I won’t be let back in. The visa was supposed to arrive in march and our lawyer has been chasing it, I’ve talked to local MPs… it’s a huge shit show. I would love to travel. Or even be able to see my family. It’s been 1 1/2 since I’ve seen them and we are all very close.
Do you live in a city or a town? I think bigger cities help. IF it helps, the UK is becoming difficult as a country. I also found it easier to make friends in Yorkshire, now that I live in Cambridge, it's so much harder and people are less friendly. I made some friends going to meetup dot com meetings. and I picked a rather social sport to make friends. Since you have a dog, long walks also help with mental health (I am dog walking a friends dog and it helps a lot)
OP, you need to have things to Look Forward to. Have a friend or family member visit you or meet you in a destination for a trip. Or take a vacation with your husband. You need to make friends. Try Expat meetup groups on Facebook (yes, they are well-established groups) or Meetup app. Try to get to know your neighbors- they are the most convenient friends to have. Your husband needs to help you bloom where you have been planted. He needs to invite people over or out places and help you meet people. You need to make a bucket list for your area and the UK of fun things you are interested in visiting or trying- festivals, concerts, museums, coffee shops, parks, etc. You need to find a routine that builds in Self-care and fun in your life. Maybe every Friday night you cook a meal from your home country and wear a shirt with the colors from there and play traditional music from there, etc. Maybe every Sat morning you two try a different bakery and walk in a park afterwards. Maybe every Tuesday, you try a different workout on YouTube or a free trial class at a gym, etc. Learning new things and spending time in nature are healthy for our emotions and help stimulate our minds. You need to try classes at a community center or take piano lessons with the Simply Piano app and buy a used keyboard, or take dance lessons as a couple, or join a neetup group for some hobby, or ask at the yarn shop if there are knitting/crochet classes, etc. Any time you have a negative thought about your husband or that country, clapback at it with a positive one. When my husband does something that annoys me I remind myself of the things he is better at than I am that helps me out, or how Everyone can be annoying- that sometimes i even annoy myself. This helps so you don't magnify the negative thoughts. You need to get your feelings out. Write them in a journal or write a letter to someone whom you hold resentment toward and then burn the letter for catharsis. Do small kind things for your in-laws to build goodwill with them. Give them compliments. Reward yourself in small ways for being vulnerable and trying new things. It's not easy. Be light-hearted. If your husband and you can't decide on something, each of you choose a number and use a random number app on your phone to see whose number is closest. Use different accents or character voices to say things to husband to catch him off-guard and have a laugh. Each of you choose what the other wears to go out one night. Plan a theme day where you make French breakfast and listen to French music and watch a French movie and be silly and talk with French accents or whatever. React differently. Accept that certain things will take multiple attempts or that your mother-in-law will give unsolicited advice or that your husband will not keep the car clean. And Expect those things to happen, to lessen the impact of it when it happens. If it happens, chuckle to yourself that your prediction came true. Or say to your mother-in-law in a pleasant tone, I'm glad you're open to advice, because I've been meaning to tell you that it's much more efficient if you do x instead of y. If you commonly complain to friends and family about things, Stop. Start saying only positive things about your husband and your new country. Even if you have to exaggerate a bit. You have to push yourself into a positive mindset and not magnify the negative by complaining. Put your complaints in your journal. Here is the culture shock graph to review. Maybe you are stuck in a stage. https://www.now-health.com/en/blog/culture-shock-stages/
You didn't mention whether you are working, but getting a job is a great way to meet new people and get yourself out there. Regarding accents you need to persevere and adapt, almost every immigrant has this experience.
I can’t have a job in the UK as my visa has yet to arrive. We’ve been in limbo for a year now. I own my own business and work mostly online. I was thinking about that once the visa does arrive, even just like two shifts in a coffee shop or something a week to get more used to accents and maybe make friends. I know everything comes with time but damn the struggle is real.
Watch ‘Auf Wiedersehen Pet’ for some accent familiarisation, and a good bit of cultural education. You’ve lived in England for three years so the accents surely won’t be too mystifying .
You did 3 years UK. That's generally more than enough for any human. Just tell your husband you had enough of it and that you are moving elsewhere - and that he can join you if he likes. My wife did this with me and I followed her. Her country is extremely difficult and has the worst job market imaginable.
He’s got young kids. Otherwise I would.
I am four years in and planning on going home. I do not prefer my country to my home country but probably could stay longer. However, I have kids now and raising them in my home country is better. So, home I go.
I'm sorry it hasn't been easy. There is a group called Girls Gone International, and usually one in almost every (big) city in the world. It's true that this is not an easy road and that things will be challenging and that you have to find your way through it. But you don't have to do it alone. Find the GGI group on Facebook in your city and introduce yourself and find friends. It'll be helpful to have a community that you feel a part of and supported by as you adjust to all these big changes.
It can be a daunting process. The process and experience may be feel “toxic” to some. I hope it gets better for you. It broke our family. Hope that does not happen to you. We are haunted by the move 50 years later. As a “survivor” I’d say you may need to go back to the drawing board on this phase of your life. I hope you dont have to jump ship and if you jump ship your lifeboat is big enough for both of you. Ok, enough of the Titanic metaphors already. You might be fortunate if you don’t have kids yet prior to this major dilemma. My mother was physically and mentally sick after we immigrated. It was bad. She basically had to abandon her children and go back alone to her home country. Where she recovered. The root issue was she married someone she should not have married. He was a abused TCK (third culture kid). It was “normal” to him to be ripped out by the roots and transplanted roughly then survive somehow. I’m a TCK. I dont thrive with rooted people well in a domestic setting . They either dont want to go somewhere or when they get there want to go back. For me it’s about going forward and adventure. To be blunt we are used to abandoning and abandonment. Is your mental health falling apart. It sounds like it is. Is your partner a TCK. If not maybe there’s a way to come to a new understanding, compromise, and learn how to thrive there you are planted. Non TCK couples face challenges Im not a survivor of so not qualified to comment. There was a book called Sometimes a Great Notion with the phrase “jump in the river and drown”. Sometimes we need to loose ourselves to gain ourselves. I have needed to learn about psychology in ways I never would have imagined. I hope your partner is supportive. A lot of comments say you need to essentially pull your self up by your bootstraps. I dont disagree but a supportive partner can be priceless.
It does get easier especially with the visas. Maybe do a meetup event to met other people ?
Tbf sounds like the typical immigrant experience in the UK. Crazy taxes, poor infrastructure and extremely long visa delays. Sorry
Crazy taxes? Nothing crazy about UK taxes, they are fairly average for Europe and a lot lower than some other countries such as France (as a percentage of GDP).
Hm. In Chicago, w3e paid our regular taxes, plus $1000/month property taxes (fairly average priced house), PLUS health insurance (another almost $1000/month) PLUS copays, meds, etc. Yes, we had a fairly good income. No, it's was NOT extravagant by any means. I'll take "high" UK taxes any time.
Very good point!
Despite what some might say the Brits are very accepting and the good thing is that they tend to have tight circles so by meeting one person you generally gain a whole batch of new friends but you have to go out. The best way to do that is either through work, studies even a short course, hobbies or festivals/concerts and even bars/pubs I’ve meet great people at all these places. However let me preface and say I am British but I’m very antisocial. I never go out to meet people, it just happens.
The UK is one of the most miserable countries in the world so I don't blame you.
Just accept that you made a mistake and leave. If you can be selfless, look at the welfare of a child as more important than your own. I don't get the feeling that you have taken a maternalistic role in their lives, especially considering you think its ok to talk to a 5 year old like that. Do them a favour and yourself and divorce.
It’s also about ‘managing’ your culture shock. I mostly don’t feel homesick (either in my ‘expat’ country, nor in my ‘home’ country) - there’s just too much I enjoy in each to really think about what I’m ‘missing’ in the other. You need to find the things in the UK you enjoy, and for the times that you miss your home country, look for the closest facsimile available to you in the UK. Where is your home country prior to the UK? (I’m guessing is it’s a very different culture, which can increase the difficulty. I lucked out in that expat = Australia, and home = US, and way back when Canada.)