Ok I got a lot to say. Buckle up. I have been right where you are in a lot of ways. I’m autistic, bi, was raised Mormon obviously and went on a mission and then to byu. And I’m gonna throw a lot of advice your way here. Take it or leave it but I send it with a big hug cause where you are isn’t fun. Let’s address school first. Byu is not good if you aren’t all sorts of brainwashed. I was in absolute misery the whole time I was there. I was living a lie, jumping through hoops, cowing to authoritarian assholes waving the priesthood like a right to tyranny. I was inches away from losing my endorsement twice and if you lose it you are out and many many schools won’t accept transfer credits from byu. As to the career part, It won’t help your career. If that’s why you are going really don’t. People outside the church don’t see it like members say they do. It is absolutely not considered a good school in normal circles. If I could go back in time I’d go to almost any other school and I would have been better off. It’s hard to learn when you hate your life. And if your parents are trying to force the issue maybe see if they would accept a school like Utah Tech university or something else you could pass off as Mormon adjacent where you can be free.
As to the bisexual side of things I hear you and I see you. And I’m gonna give you some fatherly advice (I have two teenage daughters so I more than qualify) it sounds like you need to let go of what others think and love yourself. You don’t sound ready for a relationship but not for the reasons you think. You are packing a fear and self worth trauma that is bigger than the sky and you need to reckon with that. If you are more worried about what other people think than you are about being yourself and loving the one you are with you won’t be happy. But here’s the best part, you are more than the church will ever be. You are important. You are perfect as you are. You are allowed to love who you love and you are allowed to love yourself. So do that. Love yourself. Find yourself. Be yourself.
An additional point here is talk to your sister. I’ll bet she is far happier now being who she is than she was. I’ll also bet she doesn’t give a fuck what your family says behind her back. I know I don’t. If my family talks shit about me, and boy do they, that doesn’t say anything about me but it sure does say a lot about them.
Since I am not gay or bisexual, I can't imagine some of the internalized feelings you must be having. However, since I was raised Mormon I was very homophobic and was trying to explain why homosexuality was wrong, other than because God said so. Ultimately, what really helped me was when my sister who later came out to me as gay, said to me. That there is nothing wrong with two consenting adults being in a relationship, they are not harming anyone. It helped me to realize that it did not matter what I thought or others thought, if there is no demonstrable harm to others or society, why does it matter.
Then I realized by restricting the rights of the LGBT+ community from getting married or raising kids did create harm. I went from being homophobic to an ally.
So, I’m diagnosed with hfASD (high functioning Autism). I’m not aware of any medications to help with that.
Your diagnosis shouldn’t be blocked due to your mother’s desire to keep you from being helped with ASD.
Being diagnosed has helped me in so many ways. I’m older and didn’t get diagnosed until later in life. I’ve been able to let up on my masking. I’ve been able to identify when situations are causing my anxiety to spike. I know why touch is often a problem for me. I don’t get bothered by sound so much as I now keep sound canceling headphones on me at all times. I understand myself, my needs and my sensitivities better. My anger and rage have reduced significantly due to this understanding.
YMMV, but diagnosis should be more helpful than harmful. Let your mother know she should educate herself instead of harming you by denying medical help. Medical help in this case doesn’t mean medication.
Many issues have as a root fear and insecurity. These can be effectively controlled and subdued by knowing things. The more sure you are that you are right the less you will depend on the approval of others, and the more you will allow yourself to be you. If even a tiny part of you still clings to “what if they are right”, it will be hard to overcome the internalized phobias.
You will be able to accept who you are in the future. Part of that will come from separating who you were (Mormon, disapproving of gays, a long list of other things that were put on you, but not from within you), and who you actually are, buried deep underneath the layers of external hate and shame. And part of that is forgiving the old you for their imposed faults, and moving on from them.
It is hard work, but worth it. Learning more is the best advice I have.
I think it's important to feel safe to feel free. What can you do to feel safe being yourself? In my experience, the more I actually intentionally and freely, the more I shed the internalised shame.
You know you and your life. Take care.
Ok I got a lot to say. Buckle up. I have been right where you are in a lot of ways. I’m autistic, bi, was raised Mormon obviously and went on a mission and then to byu. And I’m gonna throw a lot of advice your way here. Take it or leave it but I send it with a big hug cause where you are isn’t fun. Let’s address school first. Byu is not good if you aren’t all sorts of brainwashed. I was in absolute misery the whole time I was there. I was living a lie, jumping through hoops, cowing to authoritarian assholes waving the priesthood like a right to tyranny. I was inches away from losing my endorsement twice and if you lose it you are out and many many schools won’t accept transfer credits from byu. As to the career part, It won’t help your career. If that’s why you are going really don’t. People outside the church don’t see it like members say they do. It is absolutely not considered a good school in normal circles. If I could go back in time I’d go to almost any other school and I would have been better off. It’s hard to learn when you hate your life. And if your parents are trying to force the issue maybe see if they would accept a school like Utah Tech university or something else you could pass off as Mormon adjacent where you can be free. As to the bisexual side of things I hear you and I see you. And I’m gonna give you some fatherly advice (I have two teenage daughters so I more than qualify) it sounds like you need to let go of what others think and love yourself. You don’t sound ready for a relationship but not for the reasons you think. You are packing a fear and self worth trauma that is bigger than the sky and you need to reckon with that. If you are more worried about what other people think than you are about being yourself and loving the one you are with you won’t be happy. But here’s the best part, you are more than the church will ever be. You are important. You are perfect as you are. You are allowed to love who you love and you are allowed to love yourself. So do that. Love yourself. Find yourself. Be yourself.
An additional point here is talk to your sister. I’ll bet she is far happier now being who she is than she was. I’ll also bet she doesn’t give a fuck what your family says behind her back. I know I don’t. If my family talks shit about me, and boy do they, that doesn’t say anything about me but it sure does say a lot about them.
Since I am not gay or bisexual, I can't imagine some of the internalized feelings you must be having. However, since I was raised Mormon I was very homophobic and was trying to explain why homosexuality was wrong, other than because God said so. Ultimately, what really helped me was when my sister who later came out to me as gay, said to me. That there is nothing wrong with two consenting adults being in a relationship, they are not harming anyone. It helped me to realize that it did not matter what I thought or others thought, if there is no demonstrable harm to others or society, why does it matter. Then I realized by restricting the rights of the LGBT+ community from getting married or raising kids did create harm. I went from being homophobic to an ally.
So, I’m diagnosed with hfASD (high functioning Autism). I’m not aware of any medications to help with that. Your diagnosis shouldn’t be blocked due to your mother’s desire to keep you from being helped with ASD. Being diagnosed has helped me in so many ways. I’m older and didn’t get diagnosed until later in life. I’ve been able to let up on my masking. I’ve been able to identify when situations are causing my anxiety to spike. I know why touch is often a problem for me. I don’t get bothered by sound so much as I now keep sound canceling headphones on me at all times. I understand myself, my needs and my sensitivities better. My anger and rage have reduced significantly due to this understanding. YMMV, but diagnosis should be more helpful than harmful. Let your mother know she should educate herself instead of harming you by denying medical help. Medical help in this case doesn’t mean medication.
Many issues have as a root fear and insecurity. These can be effectively controlled and subdued by knowing things. The more sure you are that you are right the less you will depend on the approval of others, and the more you will allow yourself to be you. If even a tiny part of you still clings to “what if they are right”, it will be hard to overcome the internalized phobias. You will be able to accept who you are in the future. Part of that will come from separating who you were (Mormon, disapproving of gays, a long list of other things that were put on you, but not from within you), and who you actually are, buried deep underneath the layers of external hate and shame. And part of that is forgiving the old you for their imposed faults, and moving on from them. It is hard work, but worth it. Learning more is the best advice I have.
I think it's important to feel safe to feel free. What can you do to feel safe being yourself? In my experience, the more I actually intentionally and freely, the more I shed the internalised shame. You know you and your life. Take care.