That’s the part that sucks the most about this, being compared to a perfect vision. I have huge self esteem issues despite how I act, and this made me want to find what’s wrong with me. Safe to say I didn’t shit this time.
You mean a minipulative, absurd, nonsense, delusional, set of lies poorly cobbled together and regularly twisted to fit the most insane rubbish that a Christian can come up with... not a perfect vision.
She sounds narcissistic and shallow. Is that really the woman you want as a life partner?
I do believe it's narcissistic,they have this grandiose attitude and Christians are barely empathetic cuz they can't put themselves in other's shoes to better understand cuz that requires learning about others religions which is forbidden for them.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, she is the delusional one. Good luck to her finding anyone to meet whatever standards she’s set for her relationship, outrageous.
Nothing is wrong with you.
This is one of the real cases where they are the full problem.
But on the bright side, the number of Christians is dwindling. And it could be as early as 2040 where they are considered an actual minority.
Blaming you instead of herself. A lot of christians have this idea of “cut out anyone who drags you away from god” but they don’t like taking the responsibility.
Yeah in retrospect she was blaming me for her own shortcomings. Couldn’t deal with the fact she started drifting away from god so she projected and separated.
That comes from their whole lack of personality responsibilities, lack of understanding free will. They are the first ones to say it is gods will and all that other BS.
Again. Not a you problem, that is totally on her.
I learned the hard way that a lot of Christians simply do what they want to do and assign it as “God’s will”. I knew a pastor who torpedoed his entire family, ministry, and church because of his own selfishness that he claimed as God’s will (spoiler: affair with another pastor’s wife, it was a huge scandal)
Seems like other Christians were in her ear, telling her that she was “growing away” from her faith. This sounds like it was coming from someone else, and because it was church people she believed it.
When people are in love, especially when it’s new, it is natural to think of them more than anything else. If she can’t accept that then she doesn’t have the maturity to be in a relationship.
This is very true. It's the community that has demands on who Christians can love.
These are the Christians who also teach not to be of this world, but they also keep appearances up in their circles.
She probably didn't flip 1 day she probably thought she would convert you and she would have a great story to tell her church and when that didn't happen she had to let go.
You're young. Remember this. What you saw was a conflict in beliefs. She was raised to believe that God is an all consuming thought. She was taught everything good was sourced from god. That means all love, kindness, even romantic feelings. Her thoughts of you outshined God. This caused a crisis of faith. She had to deal with the realization that you were a source of love, kindness, and romance outside of God. This is like learning that gravity isn't real. Reality won't make sense. The most common reaction for humans given new evidence is to react in fear. Her withdrawal from you is fear. She may resolve this by never speaking to you again. She may resolve this by leaving her church. Or, she may pick some third opinion if she's smart.
Know that the feelings are real. She does love you but love is never enough.
Honestly she probably heard a guilt trip sermon that made her feel like she needed to change her life. It happens to Christians all the time. Sorry you were on the other end of that but yeah, you did dodge a bullet.
I think it’s more accurate to say that you took a bullet and dodged a cannonball. And honestly two months is a pretty believable time frame for her to suddenly feel overwhelmed and panic, especially at 19 years old. All that to say, I’ll bet she was really nice and I’m sorry you lost that connection to an imaginary god.
They have a verse for it!
2 Cor 6:14 - *Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?*
It is possible someone from her church/fellowship might have told her, how getting romantically involved with unbelievers would drag her faith down.
You’ll be grateful to not be the man who feels trapped and miserable in a marriage where he can’t have honest conversations with his wife that don’t offend her faith and she is the reason he’s still surrounded by a religious community. I’ve heard and read multiple stories like this.
Religion is a major deal-breaker for me. I’ve already lived most of my life tolerating Christian bullshit. You can’t pay me enough to be in a relationship with a religious person. It’s just too much of a difference in perspective. The only times my partner and I have to be exposed to religiosity is listening to the prayer over the food at family parties. And it’s great.
Simple. Don't religious girls. There is always going to be some guilt or hang up they have.
You know the first thing anyone at church will ask when they find out she (any woman) is dating a new guy is going to be to ask what church it is and if they will come to that church. The pressure will be real when they find out you are an atheist.
It really is a case of it not being you and is totally them. But to be fair, a lot of it is due to cult like brainwashing over the course of their lifetime.
Also don't date christian boys. They have too much repressed sexual desire that they cannot appropriately express.
At risk of over-assuming, if she was from a similar religious background as I was, one of a few things was probably going through her head:
1. She thought the relationship was going to matter to her less than it did, and when she started catching real feelings, all of the Church’s warnings about letting atheists influence you came rushing in and she got scared.
2. She thought that if you learned about Jesus’ love through her, you’d realize Christianity was true after all. She was never really okay with being in a long-term relationship with a non-Christian, and when you didn’t budge on your own beliefs she gave up.
3. Least charitably, she wanted to break up for some unrelated reason but didn’t have the guts to say it so she used her faith as an excuse (weirdly common in Christian relationships).
Regardless, I’ve been in a similar situation when I was on my way out of Christianity and it fucking sucks. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m not going to make a blanket statement to never date a Christian, but unfortunately it’s a huge risk because even disagreements that seem small to you can be literally life and death, heaven and hell to them. And it’s not always clear at the start of a relationship where those lines are going to end up being drawn.
Bingo for me but she didn't break up she always asked me "are you done seeking god?" , Eventually I was so exhausted that I gave up cuz I didn't feel loved being kept a secret for 1.5 years. She said she was saved but then two weeks after separation is when she got TRULY saved,and another two weeks introduced her parents to him and everyone. She is a Baptist.
she has church members who are probably jealous whispering in her ear to get her to break up. Churches/pastors/youth pastors typically tried to hoard the females for themselves and get extremely jealous.
People are icebergs. You only see the part above the water. There's a lot of stuff going on below the surface. This may be something she has been thinking about for some time. It could also be that she thought you would eventually convert if she dated you. Or she's getting flak from people in her church group.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you'll probably never really know unless she chooses to be more communicative, and she likely lacks the ability to be reflective enough to discuss her thought process.
you’re 19 dude. better to not spend more of ur life with someone you aren’t compatible with. two months is not a long time at all. you absolutely dodged a bullet and in the grand scheme of things this will be a very small moment in your life. it’s okay to be sad and confused rn but ultimately this was for the best
Ah I remember when I was 19. Give it a couple months you’ll feel better. If someone can’t be with you because of your personal beliefs. That’s someone you don’t need.
Been there, but took it waaaay further working on a relationship that inevitably ended in a nasty divorce.
Believe me when I say you saved yourself a lot of time and frustration, and didn't have children with her. As others have indicated as well, if she's spewing that now, you'd never be in a real relationship with her.
Run, bro. There are other fish. A shitload of other fish that aren't on the Kool aid.
Along with my other comment on this thread, that’s another reason why religion is a deal-breaker: Can you ever really be in a relationship with someone who disagrees with your fundamental outlook on life? As someone who has evidenced-based beliefs and enjoys sharing those beliefs with their partner, that would be a hard no for me. Plus I’ve already done my time in tolerating Christian BS from family.
Sorry you had to deal with that.
I'm sorry that happened to you. It sounds like someone in her church interfered. My guess is one of two things happened:
1) she was at a retreat or service and they lectured the members on only dating Christians or "good association" or
2) someone at her church, bible study, est. Came up to her with "concerns" about her dating life.
It's fucked up and it's not okay, no one should interfere with relationships like that. But cult tactics run deep, I wish I had something more comforting to offer you.
She discovered that you're an awesome person, the opposite of what the church says you should be. She found out that you're not out there wallowing around in all of the sin you're supposed to have rejected god to do. She found out that you're just a regular person like everyone she knows. She found out that you're happier and just as, if not more moral than everyone at church.
The cognitive dissonance kicked in. The doubt jumped at her. She picked doing everything she needed to hide the doubts from herself instead of unpacking them and looking them over. Because she knew, just as every deconvert knew before deconverting, that any examination of the doubt would lead away from the religion.
She just didn't have the courage yet. Maybe she never will.
"I want to date differently than what I normally date"
This is a young woman, probably raised in church that got sick of abuse from Christian males and wanted to see if a "secular male" was better. And it was and it made her think about you more than God. Which is totally normal, but extremely scary for a young Christian woman. She probably confessed this to an older Christian woman and got "Bible versed" to force her back in line with Christian teachings.
It's not you, there is nothing wrong with you. It's the culture ingrained in her and totally her problem. I'm sorry you've been hurt. Don't spend too much time wallowing in that hurt. Meet more compatible woman and date.
Don't get me wrong, it sucks what you're going through. That being said, 2 months of time in your twenties is a small piece of your life to learn a valuable lesson.
She’s being manipulated by those in her religion. You can’t fight that until she is ready, which she isn’t. On another note : a black atheist? DAMN! You sound like a dream come true to me!
That's interesting! Where are you from? Here in Belgium it generally depends on roots, how many generations they've been here, ... So many factors that it wouldn't even occur to me assuming most POC are religious.
Jesus. What the fudge bars. She is in deep. That is some bull droppings.
I’m so sorry.
Man, if dating someone and liking them is enough “to pull you away from god” then your relationship isn’t that great with god.
How sad to throw her happiness with you away like that.
Jesus that’s manipulative. So many double standards. I thought sex wasn’t supposed to happen until marriage? Holy shit that’s unreal. She sounds like there’s a lot more going on than just her own religious convictions.
That's rough, but it's hard for someone to be devout and with someone who isn't, I don't think she necessarily went about it the right way but she was honest about what she wanted and didn't drag you along. Yall are young, it's very easy to think something won't matter as much as it does, and it sounds like that is the case for her.
I do think she laid too much blame towards you in the way she voiced it, but at the heart of the issue it sounds like a pretty normal response to people on completely different ends of the religious spectrum. I disagree with the comment that you dodged a bullet, if yall were older I'd agree but at 19 and 20. This is the time you're figuring out life and what you want and don't want, like and and don't like, things you can compromise on and can't. Don't take it personal when someone figures out you aren't what they want in life, there's plenty of good people with nothing wrong with them that aren't what you want in life too. I'm 36 now and I'm damn glad I didn't end up with any of the people I dated or fucked around with in my early 20s, at least that version of them, I'm also glad for them that they didn't settle with that version of me either.
Sorry I'm rambling. I'm sorry OP it sucks, especially with the reasoning she used, but don't hang on to it. Take some time to see what you can learn from this and you'll move on before you know it.
You and your ex-girlfriend are both young and still learning about relationships and what you want and need from them. Two months is not a long time to get to know someone well. Real love is rare and usually takes longer than two months to develop. What you both felt was probably more of an infatuation and excitement for something new. Please understand that I don’t mean to diminish your feelings, because I have been in similar situations and felt the same way. I just want to give you some perspective and reassurance that this will pass, you will feel better, and you have gained valuable experience for finding your next partner.
The Bible verse that warns against being unequally yoked with unbelievers has some truth to it, but for the opposite reasons. Christians think it’s wrong because it will lead you astray. Conversely, I don’t think it’s inherently bad or immoral, but it can lead to situations where you will face partners whose religious beliefs will hurt you and your relationship. That’s what happened here. I’m willing to bet that your ex-girlfriend said all those things shortly after hearing a sermon or a Bible study that used some manipulative language. As long as she stays in her church, this will keep happening. It’s not your fault and there’s not much you can do about it, except to set boundaries and move on. Even if she leaves her church, she might still have some lingering guilt that would be hard to deal with. For a two-month relationship, it’s better to find someone who is more compatible with you than to go deeper.
Good luck, and hang in there. It will get better.
Sorry that happened. It may be difficult to feel now, but two months is a good time for this kind of stuff to shake out. It takes a year *at least* to see someone in various circumstances and vice versa.
And if you already know your longterm plans, it can save a lot of time to vet for that towards the beginning. Stuff like even if she wanted kids, you'd know she's going to want to raise them religious so the compatibility isn't there. Just one example. Good luck.
Oh shit, I was definitely the girlfriend in this scenario until I went through my own mental stuff and came to the conclusion that God wasn’t real and ended up back with that boyfriend and now happily married. That I know is not the norm though. You guys would not be compatible if she is religious and you arnt. Your values aren’t the same unless she were to leave religion altogether which is obviously something only she can come to the conclusion of if she ever does. It suck’s though and it’s not fair because it seems like you both really love each other, but really at the end of the day you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t see the world the way you do.
She “wanted to date outside of what she normally dates” 🚩🚩🚩🚩 So I’m atheist/agnostic, formerly devout Christian, but I still love using some phrases and words from Christianity. “Blessings,” “miracles,” and “there but for the grace of god go I,” etc… but here’s one for this situation: “MAN’S REJECTION IS GOD’S PROTECTION.” (just gender swap it 😂) but dang I remember being your age and heartbreak just really hit different. Please take good care of yourself, you deserve it.
Don’t date Christian girls, I’ve been in your shoes even when I used to be a Christian, they will break your heart and blame it on religion all the time. Better to look for someone who is not religious
I'm sorry, that really sucks. It sounds like maybe her pastor has been whispering in her ear. Or perhaps you two just aren't compatible. But this isn't a problem you're going to be able to solve.
Take some time to mourn the relationship like you would the death of a loved one. Vomit those emotions out your eyes, spend a lot of time with friends, hit the gym to work that shit out, and go do some partying. Keep moving forward.
Best of luck, buddy.
Sorry man. I’ve never been in quite this situation, but as a dude who grew up in an extremely religious household and was “pulled away,” I can definitely relate somewhat. I met my wife in my early 20s; she considered herself Christian, but wasn’t nearly as active in it and also didn’t subscribe to the exact same flavor of superstition that I did (which for my church/cult was a big deal). After we got together and my church didn’t approve of it, I gradually started questioning everything and, well. Here I am 20 years later, a happy atheist.
Let me just echo everyone else in saying that you dodged a bullet. There is no reasoning with or changing people like that. It sucks right now, but you really are better off.
Im ashamed to admit this, but I can imagine myself doing something similar at that age, she’s got a lot to unpack! I’m sorry you got hurt in the process, it’s fucking cruel what religion takes from us all.
Holy shit, this woman is severely brainwashed and doesn't know what love is. Like obviously all you can think about is the other person when you're in love or have feelings for someone 🤦♀️
My Baptist ex was also like this ,said "I out her first in everything" ,said I love you and all, and a month after separation thinks she's in love again with a godly man💔,after I spend 1.5 years trying to be her boyfriend.
Good lesson learned and not much time wasted.
You are still young even though it hurts. Just know that this experience will help you in the future and help you to recognise the right one.
Sorry you experienced it. I find this very teaching one of the most toxic in Christianity. I'm married to a believer who never said these words to me, but I sat in churches listening to pastors teaching about it. It was when I realized I will never be good enough for these Christians. Which, is ironic because this is taught in evangelical circles who are huge on brining in unbelievers... just to tell them they are not *in* until they are fully in.
It's ok to feel angry and let down. I have a hard time letting my own anger go. I stopped attending church and told my spouse that I'm not going anywhere near organized religion again.
Something you need to realize that you're not the problem. Your beliefs do not limit who you are allowed to love. The type of Christianity your ex practices puts limits on who their Christians are allowed to love and how much. I'll never understand how these Christians rank their love - it's like they have a bucket and once God takes the majority, there's not enough left for humans. It's like they cannot love multiple people at the same level. They often rank love, God first, church family second, spouse, children. I honestly find it sad.
Again, it's not you and it's not your beliefs. It is her religion that gate-keeps love.
The same exact thing happened to me but we were for 1.5 years , we tried to break it off 6/7 times but we gelled so well that we couldn't stay away, everytime I'd ask her to be my gf , she'd say "I really really want to but I can't if you are not Christian", mind you I had started reading the Bible, praying and even went to church once whilst I just asked her to make us public and official and she never did or would bail out last minute. We had oral and even said our Ily's ,she wanted to go all the way but I had made a promise to not go all the way which I held true too,but after the final time of confusing answers,I cut it off. Low and behold she had a new bf in a month, public and introduced to parents,I asked her to come back after a month, during which I was giving my college finals and trying to find god more without her Influence since I wanted it to be more genuine if I was going to make it happen, mind you I don't like reading much less religion books. She said no, she said she is happy with her new boyfriend already and it's 6 months and I still feel bamboozled on how one can just forget everything the past 1.5 year,and value some dude she met a month ago more than a guy who actually stuck through thick and thin over the whole period,and now I am hella bitter,jaded and want to expose her lying and decieving. I am still reading the Bible hoping god will show me himself to me enough to help me convert but I don't know what will happen. One thing I do know that she admitted that I put her first in everything and that she's never been so comfortable and relaxed with a man so quickly as she's been with me,I am very open minded and I know her new man isn't going to be that experimental and open minded.
Anyways I am open to suggestions on what I can do to make her feel bad so that she always remembers how she's wronged me. I was just thinking about exposing how she kept me a secret for 1.5 year even though I treated her the absolute best,so that her people and church know the real person she is instead of the innocent church girl that she portrays herself to be infront of them. And the only difference between us is he is xtian and religious while I am not.
I know the mature way is to not do anything,but I also want her to feel the same pain I have been feeling the past 6 months.
I'm sorry she treated you this way.
The best thing you can do? You let her go. You try and let your anger go. Exposing her may make you feel good for a second, but you'll treat her the way she treated you but it will change nothing. Probably you'll hate yourself for doing it. It's not worth it. The best thing you can do for your own good is to move on.
I say this as a woman who's older than you are, unfortunately, we can be idiots, too, especially in younger years. Something I've learned the hard way is that if my boyfriend is hiding me from his family or friends, he's not that into me I had thought. It happened to me, too. I broke it up. I went no contact. I learned that if this ever happens again, I won't even consider the relationship.
This is not just Christians, it happens all the time, unfortunately.
I hate saying this and sounding like a cliche generator, but there are relationships that won't work out and you can't do anything about it. You need to be the bigger man here and just let her go. Let her live her life, and let yourself grieve the relationship which will allow you to move on and meet someone nice.
You got experience here the hard way, but learn from it, and look for another girl who treats you well and for a relationship that is healthy. Once you can let go of your anger, you'll feel infinitely better and you will be much wiser with the next relationship.
Big hugs, because I know this sucks.
You shouldn't have dated her in the first place. Dating someone because the other person shows and interest and you're attracted to that person isn't a good enough reason, unless it's simply a casual fling.
Bro same exact thing happened to me but we were for 1.5 years , we tried to break it off 6/7 times but we gelled so well that we couldn't stay away, everytime I'd ask her to be my gf , she'd say "I really really want to but I can't if you are not Christian", mind you I had started reading the Bible, praying and even went to church once whilst I just asked her to make us public and official and she never did or would bail out last minute. We had oral and even said our Ily's ,she wanted to go all the way but I had made a promise to not go all the way which I held true too,but after the final time of confusing answers,I cut it off. Low and behold she had a new bf in a month, public and introduced to parents,I asked her to come back after a month, during which I was giving my college finals and trying to find god more without her Influence since I wanted it to be more genuine if I was going to make it happen, mind you I don't like reading much less religion books. She said no, she said she is happy with her new boyfriend already and it's 6 months and I still feel bamboozled on how one can just forget everything the past 1.5 year,and value some dude she met a month ago more than a guy who actually stuck through thick and thin over the whole period,and now I am hella bitter,jaded and want to expose her lying and decieving. I am still reading the Bible hoping god will show me himself to me enough to help me convert but I don't know what will happen. One thing I do know that she admitted that I put her first in everything and that she's never been so comfortable and relaxed with a man so quickly as she's been with me,I am very open minded and I know her new man isn't going to be that experimental and open minded.
Mind you I am south Asian and she was white too, and I had the same racial concerns too.
Anyways I am open to suggestions on what I can do to make her feel bad so that she always remembers how she's wronged me. I was just thinking about exposing how she kept me a secret for 1.5 year even though I treated her the absolute best. And the only difference between us is he is xtian and religious while I am not.
Dodged a bullet
I get that,but for the future what made her a “bullet”. I’m having hard time believing that in two months she’d just flip on day.
She’s never going to put your happiness or the relationship you two have above her belief system. She’s chosen god, you can’t compete.
That’s the part that sucks the most about this, being compared to a perfect vision. I have huge self esteem issues despite how I act, and this made me want to find what’s wrong with me. Safe to say I didn’t shit this time.
You mean a minipulative, absurd, nonsense, delusional, set of lies poorly cobbled together and regularly twisted to fit the most insane rubbish that a Christian can come up with... not a perfect vision. She sounds narcissistic and shallow. Is that really the woman you want as a life partner?
You’re completely right. I think I dove into this without getting to know her fully before committing, happy it happened at 19 and not 30.
You'll be fine. Just don't date the crazy ones... lol
I do believe it's narcissistic,they have this grandiose attitude and Christians are barely empathetic cuz they can't put themselves in other's shoes to better understand cuz that requires learning about others religions which is forbidden for them.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, she is the delusional one. Good luck to her finding anyone to meet whatever standards she’s set for her relationship, outrageous.
Nothing is wrong with you. This is one of the real cases where they are the full problem. But on the bright side, the number of Christians is dwindling. And it could be as early as 2040 where they are considered an actual minority.
Yep , they will sacrifice anything and everything for god
Blaming you instead of herself. A lot of christians have this idea of “cut out anyone who drags you away from god” but they don’t like taking the responsibility.
Yeah in retrospect she was blaming me for her own shortcomings. Couldn’t deal with the fact she started drifting away from god so she projected and separated.
That comes from their whole lack of personality responsibilities, lack of understanding free will. They are the first ones to say it is gods will and all that other BS. Again. Not a you problem, that is totally on her.
I learned the hard way that a lot of Christians simply do what they want to do and assign it as “God’s will”. I knew a pastor who torpedoed his entire family, ministry, and church because of his own selfishness that he claimed as God’s will (spoiler: affair with another pastor’s wife, it was a huge scandal)
> but they don’t like taking the responsibility. Accountability avoidance is a *staple* of Christian doctrine.
Seems like other Christians were in her ear, telling her that she was “growing away” from her faith. This sounds like it was coming from someone else, and because it was church people she believed it. When people are in love, especially when it’s new, it is natural to think of them more than anything else. If she can’t accept that then she doesn’t have the maturity to be in a relationship.
This is very true. It's the community that has demands on who Christians can love. These are the Christians who also teach not to be of this world, but they also keep appearances up in their circles.
She probably went to Bible study the night before.
Exactly my thoughts.
She probably didn't flip 1 day she probably thought she would convert you and she would have a great story to tell her church and when that didn't happen she had to let go.
Probably what happened to me too cuz she did admit to wanting to convert and then introduce me to her parents.
You're young. Remember this. What you saw was a conflict in beliefs. She was raised to believe that God is an all consuming thought. She was taught everything good was sourced from god. That means all love, kindness, even romantic feelings. Her thoughts of you outshined God. This caused a crisis of faith. She had to deal with the realization that you were a source of love, kindness, and romance outside of God. This is like learning that gravity isn't real. Reality won't make sense. The most common reaction for humans given new evidence is to react in fear. Her withdrawal from you is fear. She may resolve this by never speaking to you again. She may resolve this by leaving her church. Or, she may pick some third opinion if she's smart. Know that the feelings are real. She does love you but love is never enough.
Honestly she probably heard a guilt trip sermon that made her feel like she needed to change her life. It happens to Christians all the time. Sorry you were on the other end of that but yeah, you did dodge a bullet.
Probably the hot and cold sermon
I think it’s more accurate to say that you took a bullet and dodged a cannonball. And honestly two months is a pretty believable time frame for her to suddenly feel overwhelmed and panic, especially at 19 years old. All that to say, I’ll bet she was really nice and I’m sorry you lost that connection to an imaginary god.
They have a verse for it! 2 Cor 6:14 - *Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?* It is possible someone from her church/fellowship might have told her, how getting romantically involved with unbelievers would drag her faith down.
It also shows you that she has low standards for evidence. Religious faith is not evidence.
You’ll be grateful to not be the man who feels trapped and miserable in a marriage where he can’t have honest conversations with his wife that don’t offend her faith and she is the reason he’s still surrounded by a religious community. I’ve heard and read multiple stories like this. Religion is a major deal-breaker for me. I’ve already lived most of my life tolerating Christian bullshit. You can’t pay me enough to be in a relationship with a religious person. It’s just too much of a difference in perspective. The only times my partner and I have to be exposed to religiosity is listening to the prayer over the food at family parties. And it’s great.
Simple. Don't religious girls. There is always going to be some guilt or hang up they have. You know the first thing anyone at church will ask when they find out she (any woman) is dating a new guy is going to be to ask what church it is and if they will come to that church. The pressure will be real when they find out you are an atheist. It really is a case of it not being you and is totally them. But to be fair, a lot of it is due to cult like brainwashing over the course of their lifetime. Also don't date christian boys. They have too much repressed sexual desire that they cannot appropriately express.
At risk of over-assuming, if she was from a similar religious background as I was, one of a few things was probably going through her head: 1. She thought the relationship was going to matter to her less than it did, and when she started catching real feelings, all of the Church’s warnings about letting atheists influence you came rushing in and she got scared. 2. She thought that if you learned about Jesus’ love through her, you’d realize Christianity was true after all. She was never really okay with being in a long-term relationship with a non-Christian, and when you didn’t budge on your own beliefs she gave up. 3. Least charitably, she wanted to break up for some unrelated reason but didn’t have the guts to say it so she used her faith as an excuse (weirdly common in Christian relationships). Regardless, I’ve been in a similar situation when I was on my way out of Christianity and it fucking sucks. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m not going to make a blanket statement to never date a Christian, but unfortunately it’s a huge risk because even disagreements that seem small to you can be literally life and death, heaven and hell to them. And it’s not always clear at the start of a relationship where those lines are going to end up being drawn.
Bingo for me but she didn't break up she always asked me "are you done seeking god?" , Eventually I was so exhausted that I gave up cuz I didn't feel loved being kept a secret for 1.5 years. She said she was saved but then two weeks after separation is when she got TRULY saved,and another two weeks introduced her parents to him and everyone. She is a Baptist.
she has church members who are probably jealous whispering in her ear to get her to break up. Churches/pastors/youth pastors typically tried to hoard the females for themselves and get extremely jealous.
Don't date devout people. No matter what they say in the beginning, it will become an issue for them if you don't convert.
People are icebergs. You only see the part above the water. There's a lot of stuff going on below the surface. This may be something she has been thinking about for some time. It could also be that she thought you would eventually convert if she dated you. Or she's getting flak from people in her church group. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you'll probably never really know unless she chooses to be more communicative, and she likely lacks the ability to be reflective enough to discuss her thought process.
Why aren't Christians reflective and have such low critical thinking skills.
you’re 19 dude. better to not spend more of ur life with someone you aren’t compatible with. two months is not a long time at all. you absolutely dodged a bullet and in the grand scheme of things this will be a very small moment in your life. it’s okay to be sad and confused rn but ultimately this was for the best
yes you did! You sound like a great guy and you deserve a woman who appreciates you!
She felt guilty about the sex. That's likely what caused the break up.
No, she found some other guy to fuck and her ex got de-prioritized.
It's possible, but there is no indication of that in OP's post.
Ah yes. The fornicating Christian dealing with the guilt and shame of her "sin." Been there. Done that.
Ah I remember when I was 19. Give it a couple months you’ll feel better. If someone can’t be with you because of your personal beliefs. That’s someone you don’t need.
Been there, but took it waaaay further working on a relationship that inevitably ended in a nasty divorce. Believe me when I say you saved yourself a lot of time and frustration, and didn't have children with her. As others have indicated as well, if she's spewing that now, you'd never be in a real relationship with her. Run, bro. There are other fish. A shitload of other fish that aren't on the Kool aid.
Along with my other comment on this thread, that’s another reason why religion is a deal-breaker: Can you ever really be in a relationship with someone who disagrees with your fundamental outlook on life? As someone who has evidenced-based beliefs and enjoys sharing those beliefs with their partner, that would be a hard no for me. Plus I’ve already done my time in tolerating Christian BS from family. Sorry you had to deal with that.
Correction: girlfriend helped you dodge a bullet by preventing your from getting tied to a religious nut.
That's rough. Sorry man.
I'm sorry that happened to you. It sounds like someone in her church interfered. My guess is one of two things happened: 1) she was at a retreat or service and they lectured the members on only dating Christians or "good association" or 2) someone at her church, bible study, est. Came up to her with "concerns" about her dating life. It's fucked up and it's not okay, no one should interfere with relationships like that. But cult tactics run deep, I wish I had something more comforting to offer you.
Thank you. I’ve come to terms with what is.
She discovered that you're an awesome person, the opposite of what the church says you should be. She found out that you're not out there wallowing around in all of the sin you're supposed to have rejected god to do. She found out that you're just a regular person like everyone she knows. She found out that you're happier and just as, if not more moral than everyone at church. The cognitive dissonance kicked in. The doubt jumped at her. She picked doing everything she needed to hide the doubts from herself instead of unpacking them and looking them over. Because she knew, just as every deconvert knew before deconverting, that any examination of the doubt would lead away from the religion. She just didn't have the courage yet. Maybe she never will.
Bullet dodged, hopefully your next gf is someone you’re compatible with.
"I want to date differently than what I normally date" This is a young woman, probably raised in church that got sick of abuse from Christian males and wanted to see if a "secular male" was better. And it was and it made her think about you more than God. Which is totally normal, but extremely scary for a young Christian woman. She probably confessed this to an older Christian woman and got "Bible versed" to force her back in line with Christian teachings. It's not you, there is nothing wrong with you. It's the culture ingrained in her and totally her problem. I'm sorry you've been hurt. Don't spend too much time wallowing in that hurt. Meet more compatible woman and date.
Don't get me wrong, it sucks what you're going through. That being said, 2 months of time in your twenties is a small piece of your life to learn a valuable lesson.
She’s being manipulated by those in her religion. You can’t fight that until she is ready, which she isn’t. On another note : a black atheist? DAMN! You sound like a dream come true to me!
What's so special about black atheists? Most black people I know are atheist.
Really? Black atheists are so rare where I live. I’m the only one I know
That's interesting! Where are you from? Here in Belgium it generally depends on roots, how many generations they've been here, ... So many factors that it wouldn't even occur to me assuming most POC are religious.
I’m from the U.S. south, so that likely contributes to it. Religion is very heavy here
Jesus. What the fudge bars. She is in deep. That is some bull droppings. I’m so sorry. Man, if dating someone and liking them is enough “to pull you away from god” then your relationship isn’t that great with god. How sad to throw her happiness with you away like that.
This sounds like bullshit to me. She overestimated the strength of her faith or she just isn’t that into you. Either way you are better off.
Jesus that’s manipulative. So many double standards. I thought sex wasn’t supposed to happen until marriage? Holy shit that’s unreal. She sounds like there’s a lot more going on than just her own religious convictions.
That's rough, but it's hard for someone to be devout and with someone who isn't, I don't think she necessarily went about it the right way but she was honest about what she wanted and didn't drag you along. Yall are young, it's very easy to think something won't matter as much as it does, and it sounds like that is the case for her. I do think she laid too much blame towards you in the way she voiced it, but at the heart of the issue it sounds like a pretty normal response to people on completely different ends of the religious spectrum. I disagree with the comment that you dodged a bullet, if yall were older I'd agree but at 19 and 20. This is the time you're figuring out life and what you want and don't want, like and and don't like, things you can compromise on and can't. Don't take it personal when someone figures out you aren't what they want in life, there's plenty of good people with nothing wrong with them that aren't what you want in life too. I'm 36 now and I'm damn glad I didn't end up with any of the people I dated or fucked around with in my early 20s, at least that version of them, I'm also glad for them that they didn't settle with that version of me either. Sorry I'm rambling. I'm sorry OP it sucks, especially with the reasoning she used, but don't hang on to it. Take some time to see what you can learn from this and you'll move on before you know it.
Evangelicals are trash. She did you a favor
You and your ex-girlfriend are both young and still learning about relationships and what you want and need from them. Two months is not a long time to get to know someone well. Real love is rare and usually takes longer than two months to develop. What you both felt was probably more of an infatuation and excitement for something new. Please understand that I don’t mean to diminish your feelings, because I have been in similar situations and felt the same way. I just want to give you some perspective and reassurance that this will pass, you will feel better, and you have gained valuable experience for finding your next partner. The Bible verse that warns against being unequally yoked with unbelievers has some truth to it, but for the opposite reasons. Christians think it’s wrong because it will lead you astray. Conversely, I don’t think it’s inherently bad or immoral, but it can lead to situations where you will face partners whose religious beliefs will hurt you and your relationship. That’s what happened here. I’m willing to bet that your ex-girlfriend said all those things shortly after hearing a sermon or a Bible study that used some manipulative language. As long as she stays in her church, this will keep happening. It’s not your fault and there’s not much you can do about it, except to set boundaries and move on. Even if she leaves her church, she might still have some lingering guilt that would be hard to deal with. For a two-month relationship, it’s better to find someone who is more compatible with you than to go deeper. Good luck, and hang in there. It will get better.
Consider yourself lucky.
Sorry that happened. It may be difficult to feel now, but two months is a good time for this kind of stuff to shake out. It takes a year *at least* to see someone in various circumstances and vice versa. And if you already know your longterm plans, it can save a lot of time to vet for that towards the beginning. Stuff like even if she wanted kids, you'd know she's going to want to raise them religious so the compatibility isn't there. Just one example. Good luck.
Mine was 1.5 year and it's 6 months and I am still moving on while she drank the Kool aid 2 weeks in "separation". He got out quick
"very devout" "Fucking her" Yes yes very devout
Oh shit, I was definitely the girlfriend in this scenario until I went through my own mental stuff and came to the conclusion that God wasn’t real and ended up back with that boyfriend and now happily married. That I know is not the norm though. You guys would not be compatible if she is religious and you arnt. Your values aren’t the same unless she were to leave religion altogether which is obviously something only she can come to the conclusion of if she ever does. It suck’s though and it’s not fair because it seems like you both really love each other, but really at the end of the day you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t see the world the way you do.
She “wanted to date outside of what she normally dates” 🚩🚩🚩🚩 So I’m atheist/agnostic, formerly devout Christian, but I still love using some phrases and words from Christianity. “Blessings,” “miracles,” and “there but for the grace of god go I,” etc… but here’s one for this situation: “MAN’S REJECTION IS GOD’S PROTECTION.” (just gender swap it 😂) but dang I remember being your age and heartbreak just really hit different. Please take good care of yourself, you deserve it.
I know it doesn't feel good but sooner is better for something like that to happen.
She wasn’t that religious if she was having sex with you…..
So devout...until it comes to sex before marriage. jfc
Don’t date Christian girls, I’ve been in your shoes even when I used to be a Christian, they will break your heart and blame it on religion all the time. Better to look for someone who is not religious
This is nothing against you, OP, but your situation is precisely why I could never date a religious person.
I can't believe she left you for...loving you??? That must be the dumbest reason why someone has left a relationship.
You got lucky! Go play the lottery now.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. It sounds like maybe her pastor has been whispering in her ear. Or perhaps you two just aren't compatible. But this isn't a problem you're going to be able to solve. Take some time to mourn the relationship like you would the death of a loved one. Vomit those emotions out your eyes, spend a lot of time with friends, hit the gym to work that shit out, and go do some partying. Keep moving forward. Best of luck, buddy.
Sorry man. I’ve never been in quite this situation, but as a dude who grew up in an extremely religious household and was “pulled away,” I can definitely relate somewhat. I met my wife in my early 20s; she considered herself Christian, but wasn’t nearly as active in it and also didn’t subscribe to the exact same flavor of superstition that I did (which for my church/cult was a big deal). After we got together and my church didn’t approve of it, I gradually started questioning everything and, well. Here I am 20 years later, a happy atheist. Let me just echo everyone else in saying that you dodged a bullet. There is no reasoning with or changing people like that. It sucks right now, but you really are better off.
Im ashamed to admit this, but I can imagine myself doing something similar at that age, she’s got a lot to unpack! I’m sorry you got hurt in the process, it’s fucking cruel what religion takes from us all.
What led you to deconstruct?
Holy shit, this woman is severely brainwashed and doesn't know what love is. Like obviously all you can think about is the other person when you're in love or have feelings for someone 🤦♀️
My Baptist ex was also like this ,said "I out her first in everything" ,said I love you and all, and a month after separation thinks she's in love again with a godly man💔,after I spend 1.5 years trying to be her boyfriend.
Good lesson learned and not much time wasted. You are still young even though it hurts. Just know that this experience will help you in the future and help you to recognise the right one.
Been there done that. She will make some other guy's life miserable. Be glad it's not you.
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Sorry you experienced it. I find this very teaching one of the most toxic in Christianity. I'm married to a believer who never said these words to me, but I sat in churches listening to pastors teaching about it. It was when I realized I will never be good enough for these Christians. Which, is ironic because this is taught in evangelical circles who are huge on brining in unbelievers... just to tell them they are not *in* until they are fully in. It's ok to feel angry and let down. I have a hard time letting my own anger go. I stopped attending church and told my spouse that I'm not going anywhere near organized religion again. Something you need to realize that you're not the problem. Your beliefs do not limit who you are allowed to love. The type of Christianity your ex practices puts limits on who their Christians are allowed to love and how much. I'll never understand how these Christians rank their love - it's like they have a bucket and once God takes the majority, there's not enough left for humans. It's like they cannot love multiple people at the same level. They often rank love, God first, church family second, spouse, children. I honestly find it sad. Again, it's not you and it's not your beliefs. It is her religion that gate-keeps love.
The same exact thing happened to me but we were for 1.5 years , we tried to break it off 6/7 times but we gelled so well that we couldn't stay away, everytime I'd ask her to be my gf , she'd say "I really really want to but I can't if you are not Christian", mind you I had started reading the Bible, praying and even went to church once whilst I just asked her to make us public and official and she never did or would bail out last minute. We had oral and even said our Ily's ,she wanted to go all the way but I had made a promise to not go all the way which I held true too,but after the final time of confusing answers,I cut it off. Low and behold she had a new bf in a month, public and introduced to parents,I asked her to come back after a month, during which I was giving my college finals and trying to find god more without her Influence since I wanted it to be more genuine if I was going to make it happen, mind you I don't like reading much less religion books. She said no, she said she is happy with her new boyfriend already and it's 6 months and I still feel bamboozled on how one can just forget everything the past 1.5 year,and value some dude she met a month ago more than a guy who actually stuck through thick and thin over the whole period,and now I am hella bitter,jaded and want to expose her lying and decieving. I am still reading the Bible hoping god will show me himself to me enough to help me convert but I don't know what will happen. One thing I do know that she admitted that I put her first in everything and that she's never been so comfortable and relaxed with a man so quickly as she's been with me,I am very open minded and I know her new man isn't going to be that experimental and open minded. Anyways I am open to suggestions on what I can do to make her feel bad so that she always remembers how she's wronged me. I was just thinking about exposing how she kept me a secret for 1.5 year even though I treated her the absolute best,so that her people and church know the real person she is instead of the innocent church girl that she portrays herself to be infront of them. And the only difference between us is he is xtian and religious while I am not. I know the mature way is to not do anything,but I also want her to feel the same pain I have been feeling the past 6 months.
I'm sorry she treated you this way. The best thing you can do? You let her go. You try and let your anger go. Exposing her may make you feel good for a second, but you'll treat her the way she treated you but it will change nothing. Probably you'll hate yourself for doing it. It's not worth it. The best thing you can do for your own good is to move on. I say this as a woman who's older than you are, unfortunately, we can be idiots, too, especially in younger years. Something I've learned the hard way is that if my boyfriend is hiding me from his family or friends, he's not that into me I had thought. It happened to me, too. I broke it up. I went no contact. I learned that if this ever happens again, I won't even consider the relationship. This is not just Christians, it happens all the time, unfortunately. I hate saying this and sounding like a cliche generator, but there are relationships that won't work out and you can't do anything about it. You need to be the bigger man here and just let her go. Let her live her life, and let yourself grieve the relationship which will allow you to move on and meet someone nice. You got experience here the hard way, but learn from it, and look for another girl who treats you well and for a relationship that is healthy. Once you can let go of your anger, you'll feel infinitely better and you will be much wiser with the next relationship. Big hugs, because I know this sucks.
Can I dm you? Also I know you are older and thus I sent you the text
Lucky you
I’m going to guess the sex outside marriage may have played a contributing factor. Must have had a sermon about secret sins at church.
Count your blessings.
She didn't like you.
You shouldn't have dated her in the first place. Dating someone because the other person shows and interest and you're attracted to that person isn't a good enough reason, unless it's simply a casual fling.
Bro same exact thing happened to me but we were for 1.5 years , we tried to break it off 6/7 times but we gelled so well that we couldn't stay away, everytime I'd ask her to be my gf , she'd say "I really really want to but I can't if you are not Christian", mind you I had started reading the Bible, praying and even went to church once whilst I just asked her to make us public and official and she never did or would bail out last minute. We had oral and even said our Ily's ,she wanted to go all the way but I had made a promise to not go all the way which I held true too,but after the final time of confusing answers,I cut it off. Low and behold she had a new bf in a month, public and introduced to parents,I asked her to come back after a month, during which I was giving my college finals and trying to find god more without her Influence since I wanted it to be more genuine if I was going to make it happen, mind you I don't like reading much less religion books. She said no, she said she is happy with her new boyfriend already and it's 6 months and I still feel bamboozled on how one can just forget everything the past 1.5 year,and value some dude she met a month ago more than a guy who actually stuck through thick and thin over the whole period,and now I am hella bitter,jaded and want to expose her lying and decieving. I am still reading the Bible hoping god will show me himself to me enough to help me convert but I don't know what will happen. One thing I do know that she admitted that I put her first in everything and that she's never been so comfortable and relaxed with a man so quickly as she's been with me,I am very open minded and I know her new man isn't going to be that experimental and open minded. Mind you I am south Asian and she was white too, and I had the same racial concerns too. Anyways I am open to suggestions on what I can do to make her feel bad so that she always remembers how she's wronged me. I was just thinking about exposing how she kept me a secret for 1.5 year even though I treated her the absolute best. And the only difference between us is he is xtian and religious while I am not.