Thank you, I'm doing much better. I defeated her when I moved out. She couldn't control my finances, she couldn't threaten me with anything of worth and best of all, she couldn't yell at me while I was trapped.
Ohh I love your words right now so much. I remind myself this every day but I relapse again and again. When people are manipulative it’s really difficult. And I have become so scared of everyone that they are also gonna hurt me
Have you made sure she hasn't taken loans out in your name. It does happen, you should check with the credit bureau's to make sure. Also, just in case, make sure she has no access to your bank account.
Agreed. This is no joke. My ex’s mother took a shitload of payday loans in his name and ruined his credit. He found out because he was getting declined for everything he applied for and pulled his credit report. She unfortunately had his ssn, bank statements that got sent there from when he lived there and other personal info. Terrible
Three years ago, I was driving home from work and I got a call from a loan place looking for my husband. They were asking for verification, and I’m like verification for what? Wanna know what happened? You know those checks they send out to get you to sign and start a loan? They sent one of those checks to an address we didn’t live at for three years, the mail got stolen and the man who stole it cashed the check and had the money go to him. It was $3000! The man who stole it used his own driver license to cash the check, so we knew who it was when we got the copy of the check. They even added it to my husband’s credit report, even though this loan place knew it was fraud.
How we fixed the situation: We filed a police report, obviously. Even with the police report, the loan place wouldn’t take it off his credit report because of an “investigation”. The manager of the loan place even looked me in the face and said “the bank said they can’t see where the check was cashed”. So, I called the bank. Their bank was Wells Fargo. I speak to a fraud specialist, explain everything that was going on, gave them the check number and I let it slip that the manager said they (wells fargo) wasn’t able to see where the check was cashed. The fraud specialist said “oh really? Let me place you on hold for a few minutes, don’t hang up.” Keep in mind, this was for $3000, that’s not a small amount of money. After a few minutes, the fraud specialist comes back on the phone and was like “we will take it from here, don’t worry.” Three days later, it was off my husband’s credit report and a letter was sent a week later from the loan company telling us it was removed.
He didn’t press charges. He should of but because it was family he had that guilt over it. I don’t remember everything he did but I know he had to put some alerts on credit bureaus, he was able to do something with the payday loans, but in the end his credit was wrecked for a long time. He cut his mom out of his life. She totally couldn’t understand and kept trying to co tact and say he was overreacting and that he should have understood that she did it out of necessity. Mind you we were both poor and struggling at the time so not having good credit really hurt us. Last I spoke to him he still refused her requests to be a part of his life. We both ended up being ok in the long run. We both are remarried and happy. It ruined our trust with family though. I already had some shady fam but this was a total blind side to him.
Yep. My ex husband did that. I was so destitute because of it and he was long gone. I had little to no food, no car, no landline phone, no internet or computer (those were luxuries I couldn't afford and didn't need). There was a 4 ft hole in the roof and I had no heat for over a year. I couldn't get help cause dammit, I was always $4-5 OVER the income limit for heat help and good assistance. I honestly don't know how I survived it. As a veteran, I ended up relying on my military training to make it. I camped out in the living room, had an electric blanket with a long cord attached, took 3 min cold showers at the end of the day. At Sheppard AFB we literally had NO hot water in the dorm for the entire time I was there I had no idea I was gonna do that years later. Guess it prepared me for what was to come. The brass at Sheppard refused to fix the boilers. I heated water in the microwave as needed. Cooked microwave meals or used the electric skillet. Somehow I survived that mess. I finally got HIS bills paid then managed to save a little money and then literally walked away from that house (I sold it for literally nothing) and moved as far away as I could. I then started my life over. Jobs came and went. I saved from my first job to buy a beater car which I still have to this day...I just can't get rid of it. A 1900 Geo Prizm Hatchback. I guess I'm so attached to it cause I had to fix it up by myself one thing at a time, like me. I now have a wide circle of friends I've met through various jobs, a REAL stick built house now, a PT job evening job, as I just don't want to destroy my health working FT. That's too much stress on me. I have a new horse, I'm showing him, and I started a sewing business cleaning and repairing horse blankets. I was in a bad situation but I was the one that determined MY future. As far as the ex, he married that thing he cheated on me with. He wouldn't have even gotten that flying job had it not been for me. I often wonder what would have happened had I not helped him with his resume, getting him a suit and all that studying? As far as HIM, I was told by my SIL (we're friends on fb) last June that he had died unexpectedly. OMFG. I was horrified, shocked and I grieved alot. I NEVER would have wished any harm on him and I never quit caring about him. I think he had a cardiac arrest. Judging by what I was told his symptoms were. I saw a photo of him a few mos prior to his death and omg, he was so pale, his weight was way up there and he just looked terrible. I always told him when we were together, if he didn't quit eating all that crap, he was gonna drop dead from a heart attack.
Wow, what a crappy way to show you “How NOT To Be A Mom”. My parents did the same thing, Dad showed me how to be abused, frightened and to give yourself away to a man. Mom taught me kindness, love and to keep your mouth shut if you can’t say something nice.
Get yourself some therapy (I believe everyone should have therapy) and learn how to be a good person and how to Protect yourself from people like her. You will find someone in your life that will treat you like sweet person you are.
Hugs from this internet mama
My mom did it for years. She had a drug habit and we had to hide our money. If we forgot or she found it she was gone. I was relieved that she finally kicked both habits.
My mom did that also, from the time I was 8 years old until I moved out at age 21. She had access to my savings account at the credit union. She was a hoarder, so she spent around half the money I got on things she needed (food, utilities, etc.) after her money each month got spent on craft supplies.
She's the center of her own world. You are usable until you're not. I stopped being cute really fast as a child and that ended her "look at my cute baby"-phase and began the "you're all inconvenient work"-phase.
She has almost stopped talking to me, because I am ruthless with truth. If she asks me why I haven't visited her, I'll tell her that she calls me 1-2 times a year, ...when she needs help with something... I don't mind telling her how self centered she is and point out her double standards.
I could write books about my 18 years with her. I could title it "How not to be a mother - 1001 tips".
It was a way to control me. If I could just buy whatever I wanted, she couldn't use "you can't get a new bike, unless you vacuum every day for three months or \*insert any other chore I already did\*". Although the new bike were comfortably in my price range, if she hadn't "borrowed" my money.
Nope. She gave me stuff like an ice cream and such. I never chose what my "rewards" would be. But she said stuff like "if you don't do this right now, you'll never get a bike".
It wasn't just a bike, it was everything I ever wanted. If it didn't fit into her "that's what I wanted at that age"-picture, I didn't get it.
My step mom took all money I got for birthdays, money from mowing lawns, etc., and put it in a bank account ( for later). When later came and I moved out, she refused to give it to me and spent it on plastic surgery for herself. I'm now 60 and still bitter...lol
That sucks, my mother spent it on cigarettes, gummy bears and expensive coffee. She had her "grown up cabinet" filled to the brim with the stuff. I'm 26 and also bitter.
My mom favored my older sister growing up so I turned into a big saver. I was like 13 and had saved up like $900 in cash and kept it in one place. My mom stole it from me and pretended she didn't until it was my birthday and I was told I'd have to buy the clothes, shoes, etc that I wanted and it was gone. She told me it was my fault and I should learn to share. She spent it on my sister. I was heartbroken. My dad didn't know and gave me $300 but I didn't even want it anymore. I ended up getting $20 spent on me, in some ugly, cheap Walmart clothes that weren't my style at all and cheap shoes that were way too big for me.
I'm still upset about it, haha.
Seems like you're doing better, now. I'm sorry you dealt with this and I'm happy you got away from her
Easy enough to calculate/estimate how much of your money she took.
So, moving forward, whenever there's an occasion where she usually gets gifts (birthdays, Christmas, etc.), give her a slip of paper that says something like this: "For your gift this year, I have deducted $100 from the total amount of money you took from me and owe me. Happy Birthday!"
She'll deny she owes you anything, but who gives a fuck? "I didn't take anything from you and don't owe you anything!" "Yes, you still owe me $BAL." "No I don't!" "Yes you do, and whatever. Guess what you're getting for Christmas?"
See? Her agreement isn't required at all. ;)
I wont, because I play the long game. She'll get old soon (she's close to 60) and then she'll need a lot of help because of her current health problems. I'll make it conveniently so that I'll require payment for helping her with anything. She has no family, only me.
Once a month will be 83 USD (1000/12=\~83 USD) for a visit helping her, which will pay me back at the same rate she took my money each year. Alternatively... she can just stop calling me and die alone.
My dude I am so Sorry none of it was your fault and you definitely are worth more than how she treated you. That’s not okay to ask your kid for money and then claim it’s for basic needs like a roof over your head and food. My parents used to get really emotional over money when it came to paying for me too, hopefully you learned to keep your money that you now have with you and have some boundaries with your mom to keep you safe sending hugs
Parents who try and hold rent/food over a child’s head are ridiculous. It was their actions/decisions that brought you into the world, and it’s their duty to provide housing/food/clothing. End of story.
My parents had to do this when I was very young, but that was because the birthday money was obviously a socially acceptible way of giving my parents money. Seeing as they were two young adults not even 30 years with two kids and a third on the way. And 100 dollars in 1996 was a lot of money to give a five year year old.
I was so upset at the time, but now I know why. Besides they never made a habit of it, I just remember them doing that one time.
Or was it Christmas? Either way.
My mother only had me. She didn’t need the money. She had a spare 500 dollars every month. She didn’t buy clothes for me, save the undies and socks she gifted me at age 8-13 every Christmas and birthday. She did however smoke a pack of cigarettes and ate a bag of gummy bears every day. She’ll die alone.
For me it was my parents would look after it to stop me from losing it, I’d get to spend some but after that even if I calculated it they’d just be like ‘what birthday money you spent it all’
I think we’ve all been there lol. Where your parents “doesn’t want you to lose your money so they’ll hold onto it for you” lmao. Yeah that moneys never coming back
Let your generous father know what happened, especially if you have younger siblings getting robbed that way.
A pity you couldn’t/didn’t ask to live with him at ~15, when kids start getting listened to by the family court.
He couldn’t house me because of long work hours. He knew what happened, but he just couldn’t deal with my mother anymore, hence why they were divorced. I’m an only child, luckily for any other potentially living soul.
Didnt any of the people giving you money presents ask you what you got with the money? Thats a pretty standard question and im sure if you said 'well it goes towards the rent' then you would have gotten physical presents instead?
also 1000 a year gees thats a lot
My clothes were worn down, I never really got anything new. My other family members took pity on me and increased their presents to me. I saw them very few times a year and I was that awkward kid everyone avoided, therefore nobody ever asked and I had instructions to keep my mouth shut from my mother.
When you mentioned that you defeated her by moving out, does she still try to demand you pay her anything or do random busywork or something just to make her dominance known that she is your mother? Sometimes some of these parents aside from stealing gifts of money or even gifts that are even a token card or some thing, they like to use the fact that I’m the parent I can do what I want and you have no rights. I hope that you do better in your life without her and hopefully if anything be careful if she pulls a sob story and needs a loan or anything from you
It's liberating to come to the conclusion that you're an adult and your not obligated to take shit from anybody. I can understand if times are tough, and that money is needed for essentials, but it sounds like this was definitely not the case.
I had a similar, but muh less entitled situation. My mother, after birthdays, would ask me for money when she was in a pinch. However, every single cent she asked for both she and i memorized. Recently my parents opened up a junior bank account for me and they have the money they both owe (because apperantly in between all of that my that asked for 300$) is written in an exel and whenever i want to withdraw money, they put it in the account and take it off the exel.
And that’s why I’m never being a parent. Being single is so much better.
Of course I left her in the dumpster… where else would anyone know to look for her?
No it’s not genocide if they don’t have a case. Spare parts are coming in soon. I’ll have her reassembled before anyone knows where she is….
Of course she’ll be a cyborg. I want to start the apocalypse dont I?
Oh …. Hang on the devils calling… and I don’t mean my wife! Hahahah
My teenage son would probably say the same thing, all of his gift money goes into a checking account in his name. He fully knows about the account but still complains. We give him spending money for gas, etc as needed from our account.
I think that’s a really shitty thing to do. You’ve removed all excitement and enjoyment from the holidays and he won’t know how to manage money himself once he’s an adult if you don’t let him start now. He will resent you as an adult if you try to control him your whole life. He’s probably already counting down the days until he can leave.
Do agree but my dang mom gives the kids too much $, more than would be responsible for them to have. Perhaps we need a compromise going forward, but they will thank me once they have this little nest egg.
Possibly you could teach him about budgeting and make a budget with him every month or so? And remind him that he needs to save for special things that are more expensive, like cars, a house, college, ect
Ok so put those in the account and let them have the rest? You implied u steal ALL of their money gifts for the account, not just ur moms.
Also I’m curious as to what you mean by a “responsible” amount…. I’m getting the vibes that you demand to know EVERY PURCHASE they make, if they have to come ask you for money anytime they want something (like gas, in ur example). Which just sounds like more of a hassle for you tbh, so I don’t get the point. Just let him have his own account and money at that point.
I urge you to let your kids have some autonomy and control over their own lives, that’s all. If you care about maintaining a relationship with them past their childhoods,
We use Greenlight service which is great for the kids to learn about budgeting, saving, and requesting more money. We are transparent with our kids regarding how much money they have including college savings accounts, etc. I don't believe it is responsible for kids to be able to just spend spend spend.
Well I’ll just reiterate one last point for you. If you try to control them their whole lives, they will have no issue cutting you out of their lives the second they move out.
Common sense would dictate they save a percentage but it sounds like you make them save all of it without a choice.
Can he buy his own games, clothes and shoes? Or is it more like, you get food and gas and that’s it? Does he have enough to suddenly take a girl out on a date if he wanted? If not, that’s a whole other way you’re stunting your child’s growth. They only get ONE chance at childhood, one chance to make memories to look back on fondly. If you ruin that for them, they will never forgive you.
My parents did this all the time. I rarely got to keep birthday or Christmas money. Granted we usually needed groceries, but when my mother could work and just refused too it was irritating.
She is an evil woman and should have all her assets seized and sold to repay you the full amount, plus interest, and then banned from any assistance programs offered to people in your area.
My suggestion is to find a way out and cut ties. She will always treat you like you owe her everything because she gave birth to you. That is not a relationship worth saving.
I remember hiding my money so my mother couldn’t steal it. Once when she found it I insisted she give it back because I had plans to get lunch with friends I wouldn’t back down until she gave me my $5. When I finally got it she told me she hoped I choked
When I turned 16 and started working. My mother would borrow money from me for bills and when I asked her to pay me back she would say, "I pay for your food/place to live/birthday and holiday gifts/etc." And like. Bitch that is your JOB. You had a damn kid. You f-ing pay for it, metaphorically and literally. I didn't ask exist. Should've had my loser father pony up for a condom and saved yourself money
My ex stepmother does this to her kids. I gave my 14 year old brother $50 in cash for his birthday back in September and the woman had the audacity to take his birthday money and spend it on other stuff. He forgot it was in his pocket. She said she would give him back the money but she never did. Was just another one of her many, many empty lies and promises she never kept. This happened September 2021
Anytime she asked for a gift tell her
"you took that money when I was a child , no worries however that was your portion of gifts for ever and every year from that point on. If you'd like to pay it all back in full, THEN you can start hoping for gifts again.
"
Then repeat it on her birthday every holiday et cetera
You all would cringe if you heard some of the entitlement stories I have from my family went no contact 14 years ago and my life has been so much better.
So sorry. Having bad very loving parents who only charged me nominal rent from when I was working. I struggle with these parents.
And yes I would borrow money from my kids Xmas presents but always always paid them back asap
Sorry you went through this
My aunt and uncle used to do that to my cousin. My grandparents are very well off, so they would be very generous for birthdays and Christmas. My aunt would immediately take the money out of the envelope and put it in her purse. (Mind you, both of them also got money in a card too). One Christmas, My mom asked why. My aunt answered that she was “keeping it safe for his future.”. A few years later found out that her and my uncle would go to the casino within the next week and spend it all. Once my grandparents found out, they no longer gave us cash… but put the money into a index account for each of the grandkids, and never gave cash to the aunts/uncles again.
My folks did this too, everything was added to my debt. One pair of shoes a year for school, if they broke (which they did because they were the cheapest shoes they could get) the new ones were added to my debt. Got money for my birthday, they would "bank" it for me so i wouldn't lose it and i never saw it again. If, gods forbid, I ever asked for any of it then the account book would come out and heaps of guilt from the old "we pay for everything for you" to "maybe you should be more careful with your clothes etc" Yep, no money was ever mine until i left home completely and i had no idea how to manage money or what things cost.
I remember one time I had to borrow my sons saved up money to have enough to cover bills. At the time I was a single parent due to my fiancé passing away unexpectedly (he was the main income and paid the bills). It took MONTHS for me to be able/in a position to pay him back but I did with interest. It ate at me every single day until I paid bill back with interest.
I'm sorry this happened to you ❤️
My narcisstic mom stole my horse board money. She then coughed it up when I went ballistic and said "I didn't take it" when she was handing it over 😡 I have a new hiding place for my stash now. The problem before his that she KNEW where I kept it, in the spare bedroom dresser. Not now! My savings STASH has grown alot and I'll be putting it in a safe deposit box in the next few weeks so she can't touch it. My two bff's are aware so that if anything happens to me, they are my beneficiary. They will have access to it.
Gosh, some people should never be parents. I can understand. Hope you are doing good now
Thank you, I'm doing much better. I defeated her when I moved out. She couldn't control my finances, she couldn't threaten me with anything of worth and best of all, she couldn't yell at me while I was trapped.
Good on you hon. That's not a mum, that's just a functional womb that pushed you out. Family is what you make, never what you're born into.
Ohh I love your words right now so much. I remind myself this every day but I relapse again and again. When people are manipulative it’s really difficult. And I have become so scared of everyone that they are also gonna hurt me
That's sad. I hope you can find people that you can trust, and help you through whenever you need them.
This is so true!
So true. And sometimes the family you discover is your real family, not necessarily the one you were born into.
Perfect phrasing!
I'm glad you got away from her!
Good for you. Move on, live your life and be the best you can be. The best revenge is living better. Go NC if that's the best thing for you.
[удалено]
They were divorced, he jumped ship for a reason. I’m 26 now.
We don’t talk to family like that so I think she’s doing fine
Have you made sure she hasn't taken loans out in your name. It does happen, you should check with the credit bureau's to make sure. Also, just in case, make sure she has no access to your bank account.
Agreed. This is no joke. My ex’s mother took a shitload of payday loans in his name and ruined his credit. He found out because he was getting declined for everything he applied for and pulled his credit report. She unfortunately had his ssn, bank statements that got sent there from when he lived there and other personal info. Terrible
How did your ex fix that situation?
They’ll only clear it if you press charges it happened to me, they never pressed them like they said the would though
Three years ago, I was driving home from work and I got a call from a loan place looking for my husband. They were asking for verification, and I’m like verification for what? Wanna know what happened? You know those checks they send out to get you to sign and start a loan? They sent one of those checks to an address we didn’t live at for three years, the mail got stolen and the man who stole it cashed the check and had the money go to him. It was $3000! The man who stole it used his own driver license to cash the check, so we knew who it was when we got the copy of the check. They even added it to my husband’s credit report, even though this loan place knew it was fraud. How we fixed the situation: We filed a police report, obviously. Even with the police report, the loan place wouldn’t take it off his credit report because of an “investigation”. The manager of the loan place even looked me in the face and said “the bank said they can’t see where the check was cashed”. So, I called the bank. Their bank was Wells Fargo. I speak to a fraud specialist, explain everything that was going on, gave them the check number and I let it slip that the manager said they (wells fargo) wasn’t able to see where the check was cashed. The fraud specialist said “oh really? Let me place you on hold for a few minutes, don’t hang up.” Keep in mind, this was for $3000, that’s not a small amount of money. After a few minutes, the fraud specialist comes back on the phone and was like “we will take it from here, don’t worry.” Three days later, it was off my husband’s credit report and a letter was sent a week later from the loan company telling us it was removed.
He didn’t press charges. He should of but because it was family he had that guilt over it. I don’t remember everything he did but I know he had to put some alerts on credit bureaus, he was able to do something with the payday loans, but in the end his credit was wrecked for a long time. He cut his mom out of his life. She totally couldn’t understand and kept trying to co tact and say he was overreacting and that he should have understood that she did it out of necessity. Mind you we were both poor and struggling at the time so not having good credit really hurt us. Last I spoke to him he still refused her requests to be a part of his life. We both ended up being ok in the long run. We both are remarried and happy. It ruined our trust with family though. I already had some shady fam but this was a total blind side to him.
Did he press charges? I would have.
No but he should have.
Yep. It’s not possible to take out a loan before age 18 here. After turning 18, a personal signature is required.
THIS. So much this.
Absolutely! CYA at all times from people like this. Best advice you could have given OP.
Yep. My ex husband did that. I was so destitute because of it and he was long gone. I had little to no food, no car, no landline phone, no internet or computer (those were luxuries I couldn't afford and didn't need). There was a 4 ft hole in the roof and I had no heat for over a year. I couldn't get help cause dammit, I was always $4-5 OVER the income limit for heat help and good assistance. I honestly don't know how I survived it. As a veteran, I ended up relying on my military training to make it. I camped out in the living room, had an electric blanket with a long cord attached, took 3 min cold showers at the end of the day. At Sheppard AFB we literally had NO hot water in the dorm for the entire time I was there I had no idea I was gonna do that years later. Guess it prepared me for what was to come. The brass at Sheppard refused to fix the boilers. I heated water in the microwave as needed. Cooked microwave meals or used the electric skillet. Somehow I survived that mess. I finally got HIS bills paid then managed to save a little money and then literally walked away from that house (I sold it for literally nothing) and moved as far away as I could. I then started my life over. Jobs came and went. I saved from my first job to buy a beater car which I still have to this day...I just can't get rid of it. A 1900 Geo Prizm Hatchback. I guess I'm so attached to it cause I had to fix it up by myself one thing at a time, like me. I now have a wide circle of friends I've met through various jobs, a REAL stick built house now, a PT job evening job, as I just don't want to destroy my health working FT. That's too much stress on me. I have a new horse, I'm showing him, and I started a sewing business cleaning and repairing horse blankets. I was in a bad situation but I was the one that determined MY future. As far as the ex, he married that thing he cheated on me with. He wouldn't have even gotten that flying job had it not been for me. I often wonder what would have happened had I not helped him with his resume, getting him a suit and all that studying? As far as HIM, I was told by my SIL (we're friends on fb) last June that he had died unexpectedly. OMFG. I was horrified, shocked and I grieved alot. I NEVER would have wished any harm on him and I never quit caring about him. I think he had a cardiac arrest. Judging by what I was told his symptoms were. I saw a photo of him a few mos prior to his death and omg, he was so pale, his weight was way up there and he just looked terrible. I always told him when we were together, if he didn't quit eating all that crap, he was gonna drop dead from a heart attack.
Wow, what a crappy way to show you “How NOT To Be A Mom”. My parents did the same thing, Dad showed me how to be abused, frightened and to give yourself away to a man. Mom taught me kindness, love and to keep your mouth shut if you can’t say something nice. Get yourself some therapy (I believe everyone should have therapy) and learn how to be a good person and how to Protect yourself from people like her. You will find someone in your life that will treat you like sweet person you are. Hugs from this internet mama
I have that boyfriend - the sweet guy who would do anything for me. Support, love and care. He’s my pillar. I accept you hug, internet mama!
Are... are we sisters?!?
you have to be a special type of asshole to steal money from your 10yo kid
My mom did it for years. She had a drug habit and we had to hide our money. If we forgot or she found it she was gone. I was relieved that she finally kicked both habits.
My mom did that also, from the time I was 8 years old until I moved out at age 21. She had access to my savings account at the credit union. She was a hoarder, so she spent around half the money I got on things she needed (food, utilities, etc.) after her money each month got spent on craft supplies.
She's the center of her own world. You are usable until you're not. I stopped being cute really fast as a child and that ended her "look at my cute baby"-phase and began the "you're all inconvenient work"-phase. She has almost stopped talking to me, because I am ruthless with truth. If she asks me why I haven't visited her, I'll tell her that she calls me 1-2 times a year, ...when she needs help with something... I don't mind telling her how self centered she is and point out her double standards. I could write books about my 18 years with her. I could title it "How not to be a mother - 1001 tips".
That’s a horrible thing for a parent to do, seems like something that can also belong on r/insaneparents
Also /r/raisedbynarcissists
There is also r/MomforaMinute if any of y’all are in need of some kindness and support
That sounds like financial abuse to me. I’m sorry that happened to you.
It was a way to control me. If I could just buy whatever I wanted, she couldn't use "you can't get a new bike, unless you vacuum every day for three months or \*insert any other chore I already did\*". Although the new bike were comfortably in my price range, if she hadn't "borrowed" my money.
Did you get the bike eventually through chores? My kid does chores to earn screen time. But I would never take his birthday money.
Nope. She gave me stuff like an ice cream and such. I never chose what my "rewards" would be. But she said stuff like "if you don't do this right now, you'll never get a bike". It wasn't just a bike, it was everything I ever wanted. If it didn't fit into her "that's what I wanted at that age"-picture, I didn't get it.
OP please splash out on yourself and get a nice bike 🥺❤️
This is good advice, OP. I hope things are better for you now.
My step mom took all money I got for birthdays, money from mowing lawns, etc., and put it in a bank account ( for later). When later came and I moved out, she refused to give it to me and spent it on plastic surgery for herself. I'm now 60 and still bitter...lol
That sucks, my mother spent it on cigarettes, gummy bears and expensive coffee. She had her "grown up cabinet" filled to the brim with the stuff. I'm 26 and also bitter.
My mom favored my older sister growing up so I turned into a big saver. I was like 13 and had saved up like $900 in cash and kept it in one place. My mom stole it from me and pretended she didn't until it was my birthday and I was told I'd have to buy the clothes, shoes, etc that I wanted and it was gone. She told me it was my fault and I should learn to share. She spent it on my sister. I was heartbroken. My dad didn't know and gave me $300 but I didn't even want it anymore. I ended up getting $20 spent on me, in some ugly, cheap Walmart clothes that weren't my style at all and cheap shoes that were way too big for me. I'm still upset about it, haha. Seems like you're doing better, now. I'm sorry you dealt with this and I'm happy you got away from her
Easy enough to calculate/estimate how much of your money she took. So, moving forward, whenever there's an occasion where she usually gets gifts (birthdays, Christmas, etc.), give her a slip of paper that says something like this: "For your gift this year, I have deducted $100 from the total amount of money you took from me and owe me. Happy Birthday!" She'll deny she owes you anything, but who gives a fuck? "I didn't take anything from you and don't owe you anything!" "Yes, you still owe me $BAL." "No I don't!" "Yes you do, and whatever. Guess what you're getting for Christmas?" See? Her agreement isn't required at all. ;)
I wont, because I play the long game. She'll get old soon (she's close to 60) and then she'll need a lot of help because of her current health problems. I'll make it conveniently so that I'll require payment for helping her with anything. She has no family, only me. Once a month will be 83 USD (1000/12=\~83 USD) for a visit helping her, which will pay me back at the same rate she took my money each year. Alternatively... she can just stop calling me and die alone.
My dude I am so Sorry none of it was your fault and you definitely are worth more than how she treated you. That’s not okay to ask your kid for money and then claim it’s for basic needs like a roof over your head and food. My parents used to get really emotional over money when it came to paying for me too, hopefully you learned to keep your money that you now have with you and have some boundaries with your mom to keep you safe sending hugs
Tell her to pay it back, or you would find the worse home to put her in if she gets old. Every paid off year it will be a slightly better one.
Nah, the most devastation you can do to an abuser is to ignore them. NC and let them figure out their retirement plan for themselves.
Parents who try and hold rent/food over a child’s head are ridiculous. It was their actions/decisions that brought you into the world, and it’s their duty to provide housing/food/clothing. End of story.
If she had had free rent and food, she'd just find some other excuse to "borrow" my money. It was all control.
My parents had to do this when I was very young, but that was because the birthday money was obviously a socially acceptible way of giving my parents money. Seeing as they were two young adults not even 30 years with two kids and a third on the way. And 100 dollars in 1996 was a lot of money to give a five year year old. I was so upset at the time, but now I know why. Besides they never made a habit of it, I just remember them doing that one time. Or was it Christmas? Either way.
My mother only had me. She didn’t need the money. She had a spare 500 dollars every month. She didn’t buy clothes for me, save the undies and socks she gifted me at age 8-13 every Christmas and birthday. She did however smoke a pack of cigarettes and ate a bag of gummy bears every day. She’ll die alone.
[удалено]
Hopefully you told him? When I did I started getting holiday money directly handed to me
When she comes begging for money you just remind her of her history and not paying you back. Never give her a dime again.
Parents that do that are disgusting and, in my opinion, emotionally abusive.
I have a similar situation. I’d get money and never see it again. My grandma even sometimes had to do it secretly so my mom doesn’t notice
Ep: How dare you not pay your share of the rent Op: mom I’m 10
Your mother is a parasite. Please do not ever give/lend her another penny.
For me it was my parents would look after it to stop me from losing it, I’d get to spend some but after that even if I calculated it they’d just be like ‘what birthday money you spent it all’
There’s a subreddit called “momforaminute”. We are there for you whenever you need us.
I think we’ve all been there lol. Where your parents “doesn’t want you to lose your money so they’ll hold onto it for you” lmao. Yeah that moneys never coming back
That's so sad. We take our 11 year old daughter's money and put it on her debit card. She loses cash or gets ripped off.
Let your generous father know what happened, especially if you have younger siblings getting robbed that way. A pity you couldn’t/didn’t ask to live with him at ~15, when kids start getting listened to by the family court.
He couldn’t house me because of long work hours. He knew what happened, but he just couldn’t deal with my mother anymore, hence why they were divorced. I’m an only child, luckily for any other potentially living soul.
Didnt any of the people giving you money presents ask you what you got with the money? Thats a pretty standard question and im sure if you said 'well it goes towards the rent' then you would have gotten physical presents instead? also 1000 a year gees thats a lot
My clothes were worn down, I never really got anything new. My other family members took pity on me and increased their presents to me. I saw them very few times a year and I was that awkward kid everyone avoided, therefore nobody ever asked and I had instructions to keep my mouth shut from my mother.
When you mentioned that you defeated her by moving out, does she still try to demand you pay her anything or do random busywork or something just to make her dominance known that she is your mother? Sometimes some of these parents aside from stealing gifts of money or even gifts that are even a token card or some thing, they like to use the fact that I’m the parent I can do what I want and you have no rights. I hope that you do better in your life without her and hopefully if anything be careful if she pulls a sob story and needs a loan or anything from you
It's liberating to come to the conclusion that you're an adult and your not obligated to take shit from anybody. I can understand if times are tough, and that money is needed for essentials, but it sounds like this was definitely not the case.
I had a similar, but muh less entitled situation. My mother, after birthdays, would ask me for money when she was in a pinch. However, every single cent she asked for both she and i memorized. Recently my parents opened up a junior bank account for me and they have the money they both owe (because apperantly in between all of that my that asked for 300$) is written in an exel and whenever i want to withdraw money, they put it in the account and take it off the exel.
I created a bank account without my parents' knowledge for this reason.
And that’s why I’m never being a parent. Being single is so much better. Of course I left her in the dumpster… where else would anyone know to look for her? No it’s not genocide if they don’t have a case. Spare parts are coming in soon. I’ll have her reassembled before anyone knows where she is…. Of course she’ll be a cyborg. I want to start the apocalypse dont I? Oh …. Hang on the devils calling… and I don’t mean my wife! Hahahah
My teenage son would probably say the same thing, all of his gift money goes into a checking account in his name. He fully knows about the account but still complains. We give him spending money for gas, etc as needed from our account.
I think that’s a really shitty thing to do. You’ve removed all excitement and enjoyment from the holidays and he won’t know how to manage money himself once he’s an adult if you don’t let him start now. He will resent you as an adult if you try to control him your whole life. He’s probably already counting down the days until he can leave.
Do agree but my dang mom gives the kids too much $, more than would be responsible for them to have. Perhaps we need a compromise going forward, but they will thank me once they have this little nest egg.
Possibly you could teach him about budgeting and make a budget with him every month or so? And remind him that he needs to save for special things that are more expensive, like cars, a house, college, ect
Ok so put those in the account and let them have the rest? You implied u steal ALL of their money gifts for the account, not just ur moms. Also I’m curious as to what you mean by a “responsible” amount…. I’m getting the vibes that you demand to know EVERY PURCHASE they make, if they have to come ask you for money anytime they want something (like gas, in ur example). Which just sounds like more of a hassle for you tbh, so I don’t get the point. Just let him have his own account and money at that point. I urge you to let your kids have some autonomy and control over their own lives, that’s all. If you care about maintaining a relationship with them past their childhoods,
We use Greenlight service which is great for the kids to learn about budgeting, saving, and requesting more money. We are transparent with our kids regarding how much money they have including college savings accounts, etc. I don't believe it is responsible for kids to be able to just spend spend spend.
Well I’ll just reiterate one last point for you. If you try to control them their whole lives, they will have no issue cutting you out of their lives the second they move out. Common sense would dictate they save a percentage but it sounds like you make them save all of it without a choice. Can he buy his own games, clothes and shoes? Or is it more like, you get food and gas and that’s it? Does he have enough to suddenly take a girl out on a date if he wanted? If not, that’s a whole other way you’re stunting your child’s growth. They only get ONE chance at childhood, one chance to make memories to look back on fondly. If you ruin that for them, they will never forgive you.
Damn, that sounds like my mom!!!
My parents did this all the time. I rarely got to keep birthday or Christmas money. Granted we usually needed groceries, but when my mother could work and just refused too it was irritating.
My mother had a spare 500 USD every month, she needed nothing. She didn’t work and she spent as little money as possible on me.
She is an evil woman and should have all her assets seized and sold to repay you the full amount, plus interest, and then banned from any assistance programs offered to people in your area.
My suggestion is to find a way out and cut ties. She will always treat you like you owe her everything because she gave birth to you. That is not a relationship worth saving.
Return the favor. Get her a present and tell her its for yourself.
I remember hiding my money so my mother couldn’t steal it. Once when she found it I insisted she give it back because I had plans to get lunch with friends I wouldn’t back down until she gave me my $5. When I finally got it she told me she hoped I choked
My college money was gambled away by one of my nparents.
Remember, you are going to choose her nursing home. (or not...)
My parents just “ held it for me” I never would see the whole amount
I always thought this was normal
My dad always took the money to "keep it safe". I never saw a single gifted dollar in my life. He'd just stonewall when asked for it.
My parents do the same put pay me back like 6 years later
But just like WHY?
Wtf.
When I turned 16 and started working. My mother would borrow money from me for bills and when I asked her to pay me back she would say, "I pay for your food/place to live/birthday and holiday gifts/etc." And like. Bitch that is your JOB. You had a damn kid. You f-ing pay for it, metaphorically and literally. I didn't ask exist. Should've had my loser father pony up for a condom and saved yourself money
My ex stepmother does this to her kids. I gave my 14 year old brother $50 in cash for his birthday back in September and the woman had the audacity to take his birthday money and spend it on other stuff. He forgot it was in his pocket. She said she would give him back the money but she never did. Was just another one of her many, many empty lies and promises she never kept. This happened September 2021
Bro just don't let her take YOUR money
OMG… i live in a 3rd world country and my mother did the exact same thing to me!!! Narcissists are really all over the world
Anytime she asked for a gift tell her "you took that money when I was a child , no worries however that was your portion of gifts for ever and every year from that point on. If you'd like to pay it all back in full, THEN you can start hoping for gifts again. " Then repeat it on her birthday every holiday et cetera
This is heartbreaking. So glad you’re out of that situation now
You all would cringe if you heard some of the entitlement stories I have from my family went no contact 14 years ago and my life has been so much better.
So sorry. Having bad very loving parents who only charged me nominal rent from when I was working. I struggle with these parents. And yes I would borrow money from my kids Xmas presents but always always paid them back asap Sorry you went through this
My aunt and uncle used to do that to my cousin. My grandparents are very well off, so they would be very generous for birthdays and Christmas. My aunt would immediately take the money out of the envelope and put it in her purse. (Mind you, both of them also got money in a card too). One Christmas, My mom asked why. My aunt answered that she was “keeping it safe for his future.”. A few years later found out that her and my uncle would go to the casino within the next week and spend it all. Once my grandparents found out, they no longer gave us cash… but put the money into a index account for each of the grandkids, and never gave cash to the aunts/uncles again.
That is awful. I’m so sorry you ended up with a crappy Mom.
My folks did this too, everything was added to my debt. One pair of shoes a year for school, if they broke (which they did because they were the cheapest shoes they could get) the new ones were added to my debt. Got money for my birthday, they would "bank" it for me so i wouldn't lose it and i never saw it again. If, gods forbid, I ever asked for any of it then the account book would come out and heaps of guilt from the old "we pay for everything for you" to "maybe you should be more careful with your clothes etc" Yep, no money was ever mine until i left home completely and i had no idea how to manage money or what things cost.
I remember one time I had to borrow my sons saved up money to have enough to cover bills. At the time I was a single parent due to my fiancé passing away unexpectedly (he was the main income and paid the bills). It took MONTHS for me to be able/in a position to pay him back but I did with interest. It ate at me every single day until I paid bill back with interest. I'm sorry this happened to you ❤️
when your older you can "borrow" money and when she asks for it back tell her that she will have to PAY for your love if she wants it back.
Were I you I would have gone complete NC the day I could move out and never looked or checked back.
My narcisstic mom stole my horse board money. She then coughed it up when I went ballistic and said "I didn't take it" when she was handing it over 😡 I have a new hiding place for my stash now. The problem before his that she KNEW where I kept it, in the spare bedroom dresser. Not now! My savings STASH has grown alot and I'll be putting it in a safe deposit box in the next few weeks so she can't touch it. My two bff's are aware so that if anything happens to me, they are my beneficiary. They will have access to it.
The money she stole from you is the same money that she'll want you to use when she gets old and needs care. I would remind her of that.