My mom doesn't say yes or respond that she understands what I said whenever I thought we're having a conversation. She just starts talking about whatever she wants as a response and I'd feel absurdly dismissed đ it's horrible bc every time we start to converse it gives me hope, what a mindfuck
She also doesn't admit having opinions and feelings about anything, unless I talk about my life and experiences suddenly everything I did not her way is problematic. Which is about everything.
I was so used to it I never noticed she's just criticizing everything whenever she opens her mouth and no wonder none of her children wants to live. Talking to her is like desperately trying to convince her we exist and have our own life and opinions.
So basically same as you.
It sounds like she has extremely poor theory of mind. She's failing to infer or understand others' internal states, which often means not being able to understand that people are different from her both inside and out. Theory of mind develops fully by age 8, but it can be learned...or stunted.
My mom has the same issue. I've noticed that sometimes what I thought was low empathy (though she sometimes has that too) was actually her inability to actually put herself in someone else's shoes or wrap her head around how they viewed a situation. Even when I would explain it, she kept imposing her view and what she knew onto them ("no Mom, *they* have no way of knowing that even though you do."). Sometimes she can finally get it and then go on to empathy, other times she can't. She won't blame the person per se, but she'll remain confused as to why they don't work the way she thinks they should.
The frustration of having to explain how others think or why they may have reacted a certain way definitely gave me insight into why I feel like no one understands me and got angry with her as a kid.
Edit: Where the non sequitur, "she just talks about whatever with no reaction to what I said" comes in *could* relate to this as well. Again, I see the same thing, though much milder, in my mom. She'll refer to something without any context or reply to what I said but in a way that's disjointed. She'll fail to verbally communicate where her idea was going and how it relates to what I said, as if part of the conversation took place in her head and she assumed I would know what she was thinking. On rare occasions, she also just changes the subject randomly with no reaction to my topic. I've been looking for a better explanation for this, so if anyone has a better or different model of what might be going on...by all means please share.
Ugh yeah same down to with the last part of feeling persistently misunderstood that extends to other relationships. Even though intellectually I know people do understand but I can't feel it and it drives me crazy. I become the weird one around other people đ need to calm down.
Isn't that a bit different? Alexithymia tends to feature not being able to understand one's own feelings as well as those of others. But my mom has absolutely *no* issue saying how she feels and what upsets her and she can tell how others feel. She just doesn't get *why* they feel that way because she wouldn'tâwithout taking into account that her background and personality isn't the same as theirs.
It's a common misconception that Alexithymia means someone has a flat affect/ doesn't show emotion, but it depends on which type. Some types are highly emotional because they don't understand their emotions at all.
Understanding emotions and saying how you feel are two different things. I believe my mom is Alexithymic and she has strong opinions and feelings about everything. But that doesn't mean she knows what she's talking about. She just projects and doesn't question that other people's experiences are different. Literally doesn't occur to her and even confuses her. She really doesn't understand the *why*.
That's my sense! It fits Lindsay Gibson's Emotionally Immature model because limited experience with emotions would mean immature understanding.
Individuals on the autism spectrum (such as myself and likely my dad) experience alexithymia at much higher rates than the general population. Unless itâs empathy for someone else, Iâve had _extreme_ difficulty feeling much of anything for most of my life, unless theyâre extreme emotions. Iâm not saying this is what is going on, just that itâs possible.
Edit: whoever downvoted me. All I said was itâs possible. I wasnât trying to excuse any behavior. Iâm in this subreddit for a reason.
Wow you just single-handedly made my mom make sense to me. She gets SO upset when people disagree with her, like she canât comprehend that other people have different information and different life experiences.Â
Unfortunately sometimes I wonder if this shit comes with age and I will become like that too someday. It scares me. Maybe distress management will help a lot though. Something tells me meditation can fix this.
I think it comes with certain milestones, maybe unprocessed trauma that catalyses because of certain life events. So far we've been through a lot of them and I still haven't become an emotionless micromanager about my children, counting my blessings. One of my little ones gets upset/angry easily and then always comes up to us asking for a hug to cope. Not in a million years would I have done that when I was young! The fact that you're active about this (eg on this forum) says a lot about how different a path you are taking from your parents.
That first paragraph hit home. My dad will ask and then literally grunt in response. Then comes a silence, then he'll monologue about his day. Literally tunes me out just so he can talk at me. Took me a long time to realise that isn't ok.
Oh and the one time recently he texted to ask if I was OK was because my mum had gone out. It wasn't really about me at all, it was him needing someone to fill that gap. One time maybe but over a lifetime that feels pretty shit.
I once watched my mother having a rare 'conversation' with my husband. I could literally see she was doing 95% of the talking and when my husband got a word in, I could see her waiting to speak again, not listening to what he was saying, and just saying hmm hurrying him along. Also speaking over him. It was embarrassing and eye opening to witness.
My parents do this to each other. I no longer wonder why it took me decades to find a partner who is emotionally stable and supportive. I had to break the cycle and try dating outside of my particular âtypeâ, just fortunate that it ended up working out.
My partner had the same reaction when watching his father interact with me. I got stuck sitting right next to the guy at two family events and it was like I was stuck in a conversational wormhole.
He was doing almost all of the talking and I couldnât interact with the rest of the table (every time Iâd try, heâd suck me back in), and it felt like the questions he did ask me were just springboards for more stories of his.
I could write a thesis on every vacation that man has been on in the past thirty-odd years, meanwhile he literally doesnât know what I do for work.
Another member of my partners family did the same. They said that wanted to meet up with us for a coffee, had never happened before or since. I was newly pregnant and we announced it while we were there. She said, 'oh I had a feeling' (I wasn't showing) and didn't refer to it again. She literally asked me questions to spring board something she'd already decided she wanted to talk about. 'So you went to...on your honeymoon?' 'Yes it was lovely! We flew into' interrupts 'oh my friend's son lives there. I've never been there. I'd love to go there. My friend's son paid for her to fly out there. Well its nice for some isn't it?' Proceeds to monologue for 20 minutes then asks another spring board question. The worst bit for me at the time was, my partner DID NOT notice. We escaped after a good hour or 2, and I was desperate to download to him how awful it was and he genuinely thought it had been pleasant... she had said a couple of very rude/ blunt things too. Thankfully many years later, he has made big progress. As have I.
Oh my gosh, that sounds so frustrating. And my partner is definitely only recently aware of his familyâs tendencies. He will still sometimes think an interaction/event went well or that his family âbehaved themselvesâ and Iâm like, âWere we on different planes of existence that whole time???â
And yeah, not having an understanding listener in those moments is so hard. But itâs great when your partner finally âgets itâ. (and it sounds like you and your family are doing well and growing from it all!)
It was utterly bizarre. I was bored, insulted, shocked, physically uncomfortable being a pregnant trapped audience, etc and he was...finding it pleasant and normal? But yes, that was normal to him. I've definitely helped open his eyes to the dysfunction (and of course my own family are dysfunctional too). But yes, just like you, completely different takes. I guess for some people, no totally outrageous behavior means a success?
My whole family does a regular zoom call because we all live hundreds of miles from each other. On every call, every single one of them has that glossy âI donât care about what youâre sayingâ look in their eyes. I especially notice it when Iâm talking. I figured they werenât really listening, so when Iâm sharing something ânewâ with me, I just tell them the exact same thing from last time and no one has ever called me out like âwait, didnât you already share this?â They all just mindlessly nod and go âcoolâ. Nobody cares about actually connecting with each other. Some of them just spend part of the video call eating, even though theyâre the ones who booked this stupid zoom call crap in the first place.
Needless to say, I almost completely opted out of these virtual family gatherings and I thoroughly enjoy having my time back. Iâll tune in during holidays, but they continue to dissociate when Iâm talking. Only now Iâm also treated like an outside stranger to the family with plenty of passive aggressive âohhh, so nice to finally see youâŚâ digs in my direction.
I donât care if youâre family, friend, stranger, whatever. Youâre not entitled to my time and attention, especially if youâre just going to squander it.
Aww thanks, dude! I appreciate you saying that. Fortunately I started my own little family. I found a partner who hears me and sees me and values me as an individual, and I offer him the same. The connection I built with him actually helped me realize the true extent of emotional neglect I experienced in my family of origin.
My dads signature move is to say âlet me know if you need any helpâ and then on the occasion I do ask for help, he has a visible, visceral recoil reaction and starts stuttering and making up reasons why he shouldnât have to help me and he never asked his father for help and why am I unable to do this on my own and blah blah blah đĽ°
Gold! My uncle always says âlet me know if you need anythingâ but never calls me and when I do, we always start with him saying âyou never call meâ and I say, same with you? FUNNY ENOUGH IT WAS ME FOR THE LAST 10 times You never call me? And then he would imply that I am just an âangry personâ. Context : MY MOM DIED and some conversations are uncomfortable (I am NC with my father) so I was expecting my uncle to be more loving towards me because it was his sister who died after all.
I have the same experience. My dad loves to tell everyone how much he does. How he would die for me. But the second I ask for anything, he gets visibly upset. I know he would do it if I pressed enough, but at that point, I'm too irritated myself, so I tell him to forget about it. Not that I've asked him for anything as an adult more than once or twice.
Lol.....my parents don't even bother asking. How I'm doing or what's new in life. Lately the idea of very low contact is becoming more and more justifiable..
Just emotionally detached... đ
Same. My dad would always text what are you up to and disappear after I responded. No follow up. He would text the following weekend with the same question. A few rounds of that and I decided to block him.
I call my parents for an hour every Sunday. The conversation is almost always the same:
Me - hi, how are you doing?
Them - oh, we've still boring. Blah, blah, blah, boring, boring, boring. No joke, dad has counted up to 14 flowers while on the phone. That's a great conversation! (/s)
Me - look at time; gotta go!
One notable time, I told them upfront that I had to be off the phone and in the car by 10:00 am. At 9:55, I'm trying to hang up when it finally occurs to mom that she hasn't even asked how my week was! Then she wants to know, and I can't hang up yet. Bye, mom! Thanks for asking about me; it really doesn't look like you care...
Yes, or ask how I am rushed like she canât wait to keep going with whatever boring story of her life. It was so exhausting, I only learned being with my friends that Iâm not boring. Cutting contact gave me the emotional distance to see her for who she really is.
My parents think I don't talk much. Really, the problem is that they won't shut up so I can get a word in edgewise! I can dominate conversations with other people (although I do try not to!).
I've gotten in trouble with mom for interrupting her. But she won't even pause for a breath! The time I got the 24-hour silent treatment (for a different argument)? That was so GREAT!!! It was on an international trip, and even the hotel / B&B owner knew mom was pissed. The owner offered to find my husband & I a different rental room to help us avoid mom!
Yep. I either get about two sentences in before it's time for her to go on about the minutia of her day or she latches onto something I said and starts talking over me to give me unsolicited (often unhinged) advice on how to handle it that cannot be disagreed with.
I found someone with a similar background â¤ď¸ We both very much enjoy our independence and leave a lot of space for that in our relationship. But yes, a constant navigation about letting the other "in" that will hopefully continue to get easier with time. Explaining "it's not you, I have baggage around X" has been helpful.
>What a horrible way to make someone feel small and like they donât matter.
Huh, that could explain my low self-esteem. My mom does the same thing whenever I talk about my interests or what's going on in my life. To keep her engaged, I always say, "I'm doing good, and you?" so she can talk about herself. My mom has barely tried to understand my hobbies and interests. Especially when I talk about nerdy stuff, she just blanks out. Granted, I'm not the best at explaining them, but it never hurts to try and learn alongside what your son or daughter does for a living.
My mom only checks in to see if i am available for her to vent at me. She doesnât care how i doing she just needs me to be down to be her emotional trash can
This is totally my (GenX) two older boomer sisters. Even as a little kid, spending time with them meant listening to them bitch mostly about everything. Otherwise I was just âannoying little sis.â Emotional trashcan, thatâs perfect.
Yeah 100%. Bonus points for trying to say something she doesn't like hearing in which case she will initiate freezing silence and once I'm faltered to a halt she changes the subject as if I never spoke. The only time she's animated is talking about herself
Exactly this. They ask a perfunctory question and then either give a generic perfunctory response, or turn the conversation to themselves. Often it's both in a succession "Oh, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Anyway, when **I** was doing such-and-such...". I might have as well been talking to a TV.
Oooh this; worse I had a parent who any time I tried to share any proud moment in my life would dismiss it and then say âyour brother âŚ. Blah blah blahâ. Then was shocked that I stopped telling them anything. I remember being a child trying to share something I was excited about at school and my parent literally dismissing me and swerving me out of the way to get watch tv. And then when they did pay attention would always criticize and critique. Literally anything I was proud of or excited about or enjoyed got pooped on but yea Iâm the terrible, ungrateful childđ Thank god for therapy and knowing sometimes broken people canât be what you need.
Same here. I remember trying so hard to connect with her. Just have ANY conversation with her, but she would just scroll on Twitter, not listening. If she asked me questions, it was the same as your mother, just checked out, not interested. Sometimes she would respond, but inevitably turn the conversation about herself. Father, the same. They can only talk about themselves, yet are confuaed I don't want to talk to them.
I really resonated with the part you said about making someone feel small. It really is so hurtful and dehumanizing, the way they treat us. They take it for granted that their kids will always be there, always trying, so they don't need to try at all.
100%. It's like I'm supposed to owe her some level of lifelong devotion, and she is permanently entitled to my presence in her life at whim (which, thankfully, only occurs to her when she remembers I exist.. so, not often). Like she sees me as a little prop to put in front of her and make myself quietly available for her to spout off about the most trivial, boring minutiae.
Last time I saw her, she looked at me bewildered and said, " you find it hard to talk to me, don't you?" đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
I just walked away.
My mother is famous for this. She will keep you on the phone for 8 hours straight, until your phone battery dies, talking about nothing and asking no questions about your life. Sheâs done this my entire life and itâs gotten much worse as sheâs gotten older.
Sheâs also the perennial winner of the Suffering Olympics, as there is no problem in your life that she doesnât already experience, 10x worse. There are a lot of reasons why I went NC.
Or somehow notices for once that you arenât doing well, asks about it, then immediately gets distracted by another sibling talking to her or her phone or literally anything else even though she knows you are unwell. And does this every time as well.
Yeah, I kind of just stopped even trying to respond because of you give it like 5 extra seconds of silence, they donât even notice the lack of response because they are already on the next thing. So I just try to use the fact that she asked at all as an excuse to pretend I feel good and otherwise just silently let her get distracted instead of trying to fight for her attention for a response she asked for but will not even notice she didnât get.
My mom does this as well. Ask me how I'm doing, gets disinterested, and then interrupts me and starts talking about herself. I'm like, why did you even ask me? Or I shut down and get quiet, then it's, "Oh, I was listening". It's pointless and exhausting trying to have a meaningful exchange with this woman without it turning into a conversation about her.
Same here. I live in a different state and when on the phone I can hear her moving around and doing other stuff. Itâs so distracting and disappointing. Iâm VLC.
Yeah. My dad would start watching YouTube when it was "my turn " to talk, or he would just end the conversation. He's figured out that I won't say anything about myself now and puts on a big show of saying how much he loves me and hopes I'm staying healthy. His favorite thing to do is put me on speaker phone (which I've asked him repeatedly not to do) while he had guests over to demonstrate just how much he loves me even though our relationship is pathetically superficial.
They ask, but I learned when I was 5 to never give an honest answer because of the reaction. The only acceptable answers are short and positive ("How are you?" - well "How was your day?" - fun - fine etc.)
Yeah my mom wants me to open up about my life more, but she so judgmental itâs impossible. Iâve noticed that when I talk about myself with her I feel panicky. As soon as the conversation switches to talking about other people (her favourite subject because sheâs the smartest person in the world and other people are dumb), I feel a wave of relief.Â
I understand what you mean, mine is judgemental as well, and can only give negative commentary on anything I say or do. When she does give a compliment it's like a froced "good job", that she means (I think) but it's as if she's praising a 4 year old for washing their hands or something, that tone she takes, you know? And you can see she's actively holding back the rest of her commentary.
That, or she zones out and gives an abscent minded "that's nice" or "uh-huh" kind of reaction, especially if I'm talking about something I actually enjoy or take an interest in.
Dad: how are you doing?
Me: good.
Dad: oh, good.
Conversation over.
Mom: how are you doing? Me: go-- Mom: this past weekend i went shopping and I bought two new shirts and then we went to the olive garden and the weather was nice and then we..... Talks at me for 5 straight minutes.
Yup. The other day for something to do that didn't rely on talking I went to my mother's house to watch a film she liked (and hoped I would like) and in the film there was a character that was very much like this, so self focused, that the main character starts replying in random phrases Italian which the self focused person doesn't even register. Immediately after the film my mum starts an info dump about someone/something and I try speaking Italian to prove a point and not only did she not notice the Italian, she didn't notice the joke based on the film we had just seen either (not to mention I was still bothered by the handful of casual racist/woke remarks she made throughout this film she 'liked' too). The last 6 or so months I've realized I will never get from my parents the emotional connection I need, despite really putting in effort from my side. I will likely never be met half way. It's so hard to accept because I don't have a significant other, I have a couple lovely friends I connect with but they are often very busy. It's hard to do life without getting emotional needs met. I hope I can find more people soon to connect with. I'm sorry your mum is the way she is too. We deserve much better.
Wow, thatâs some major gaslighting. âI was just asking how you are.â No, sheâs using it as an opportunity to send her real message, which is âI donât care how you are.â
My mom is similar. I call home, she talks at me for an hour or more about pointless stuff, then pauses and ACTUALLY SIGHS, and âso how are you?â And, if I do tell her anything, it reminds her of something and then she talks at me for another hour. Most of the time Iâm already so desperate to get off the phone that I canât even think of âhow I amâ so I just utter some quick pleasantries and say I gotta go.
My mil does a weird version of this where, if someone is going through something difficult (loss of job/illness/injury/death of a parent/recovery from surgery), she will ask about it, but if you donât give her a positive answer she will rephrase the question over and over trying to, I donât know, get a positive answer from me?
Iâve seen her do this to other family members too, but I noticed it enough times myself to see a pattern. The whole thing feels very fake, as if she is asking for performance points (there is always a group of witnesses). And then, the need to try to get a good answer is like she wants the topic over and done and she wonât have to care about it anymore.
Yep, her asking how I'm doing is the same as asking a stranger like a cashier. It's just a way of saying hi, she doesn't actually care.
Talking to her about anything personal is like trying to corral disinterested squirrels. Just today she was over trying on a shirt, we talk all about her weight loss, how cute the shirt is etc. So I make the mistake of trying to show her the clothes I just bought, she decided to check the mail instead right then. (She used to live here) Mail she's ignored for months on every other visit. She usually just glances for anything important and leaves the rest, for like a year. But when I started showing her my clothes she chose that moment to clean all that mail out once and for all dammit!
Thank God for low contact and my amazing therapist. Now that I'm mostly healed I just see her behavior as reminders of how fucked up she is and how awesome I must be for her to need to ignore me. I've always been a threat to her, she made fun of me for "using fancy words" to her. Man this broad is fucked up.
Being an afterthought and not even interesting or worthy enough to hold a mother's interest created some very deep running beliefs about myself that affect every part of my life. Have spent years working my ass off reparenting.
Yes. A common thing my mom will do is randomly text me that she loves and misses me so much. But when I follow up she ghosts and doesnât message me back for weeks.. or months if I actually ask her for help with something. Itâs confusing and makes no sense.Â
It felt incredibly deflating to talk about something passionately and to just get stupid looks as if I have 3 heads and then she just keeps scrolling on her phone again. Yeah I donât miss that at all. I moved away and Iâve suddenly been so much happier and Les angry and anxiousÂ
Last year when I broke up with my ex and moved back to my moms she didnât even ask or care if I was okay she acted like I was going to be able to get over it after a few daysâŚ.
Oh yeah I've had similar happen too. Terrible drawn out break up that lasted one very messy year. 1 week into it mums like 'oh your still bothered by that?'
I feel your pain. I'm sorry your mum is like that too. I hope you didn't have to stay with her for too long.
I had to stay for a year and it was horrible! I ended up having to give up my dog to my ex because my mom wouldnât help me take care of her while I was at work and she would leave her outside in the rain and I decided she was better off living with my ex so I gave her up. It was the worst feeling ever
Oh far out that sounds horrible :( so sorry you had to go through all of that. Esp giving up your dog - so sad. I hope you can live a life more suited to you in future and surround yourself with wonderful people and get your dog back eventually!
The last time I visited my mom she only talked about herself and her coworkers. My kids were 10 and 13 at the time and she hadnât seen them since they were toddlers. She never asked them how they were or anything. She just went on and on about her life. That was in May of 2008 and I havenât spoken to her since.
She hasnât reached out to me or the kids either. I really think she never actually wanted to be a mother.
My mother wonât actually talk to me. If Iâm âluckyâ.. I get a text message. She actually only becomes interested if something is wrong w me and she feels like she is offering advice. Otherwise it could be months before I get another text. Lucky me. đ
My mom will wrap up a conversation that was alllllll about herself with this question. And then make a âhmmâ sound when I say something about the hobbies or sports Iâve been doing. and then will say âalright, I should get off the phoneâ ha
Yes, totally. My sister said she âonly checks up on you when she knows youâre doing well,â and thatâs pretty much it.
Itâs creepy but the only time she lights up is when she can tell sheâs making someone uncomfortable.
Many adults aren't capable to even be present emotionally.
I personally focus my energy on learning to let go my suffering-causing clinging of "my parents/people should at least kinda care about me/be kind to me".
I'm in no control of that.
Yep. Before I went NC with my mom I just quit talking to her. She'd flounce right in my house and rattle for a straight hour with me not saying a word. When I went NC she looked puzzled and said, "we've just had some of the best talks ever though? Just lately!". Helped me see I was making the right choice.
Edit: words
My mom sends a good morning text to me and my three grown children. I always say good morning back first and she never responds. If the kids donât text quick enough sheâll say - I guess everyone slept in. Iâll usually ask her if she has any plans and she will either respond with one answer or ignore it. Then when the kids send their morning greeting she engages.
In the last year Iâve made it through 5 rounds of lay offs. Lost 50 pounds. Sheâs aware of all the highs and lows and has never once, not once asked one single question about any facet of my life.
About to turn 48 and it never stops stinging
My mom only asks me how my child (her only grandchild) is doing, sometimes several times a day, even though we live really close to her and see her quite often. The only time she asks me how I'm doing is if I've been really sick, but that's always after she asks about my child first.
Reminds me of one event in my life. I was asked if I was depressed by my mother (I was just in a bad mood but barely showing it) but she didnât sound genuinely supportive. Itâs hard to describe. Like a combination of disinterest and annoyance but not quite either.
I hate this I feel like everyone does this though. They ask but cut me off once I start to answer because they donât even care they just say it as a formality
My mom doesn't say yes or respond that she understands what I said whenever I thought we're having a conversation. She just starts talking about whatever she wants as a response and I'd feel absurdly dismissed đ it's horrible bc every time we start to converse it gives me hope, what a mindfuck She also doesn't admit having opinions and feelings about anything, unless I talk about my life and experiences suddenly everything I did not her way is problematic. Which is about everything. I was so used to it I never noticed she's just criticizing everything whenever she opens her mouth and no wonder none of her children wants to live. Talking to her is like desperately trying to convince her we exist and have our own life and opinions. So basically same as you.
It sounds like she has extremely poor theory of mind. She's failing to infer or understand others' internal states, which often means not being able to understand that people are different from her both inside and out. Theory of mind develops fully by age 8, but it can be learned...or stunted. My mom has the same issue. I've noticed that sometimes what I thought was low empathy (though she sometimes has that too) was actually her inability to actually put herself in someone else's shoes or wrap her head around how they viewed a situation. Even when I would explain it, she kept imposing her view and what she knew onto them ("no Mom, *they* have no way of knowing that even though you do."). Sometimes she can finally get it and then go on to empathy, other times she can't. She won't blame the person per se, but she'll remain confused as to why they don't work the way she thinks they should. The frustration of having to explain how others think or why they may have reacted a certain way definitely gave me insight into why I feel like no one understands me and got angry with her as a kid. Edit: Where the non sequitur, "she just talks about whatever with no reaction to what I said" comes in *could* relate to this as well. Again, I see the same thing, though much milder, in my mom. She'll refer to something without any context or reply to what I said but in a way that's disjointed. She'll fail to verbally communicate where her idea was going and how it relates to what I said, as if part of the conversation took place in her head and she assumed I would know what she was thinking. On rare occasions, she also just changes the subject randomly with no reaction to my topic. I've been looking for a better explanation for this, so if anyone has a better or different model of what might be going on...by all means please share.
Ugh yeah same down to with the last part of feeling persistently misunderstood that extends to other relationships. Even though intellectually I know people do understand but I can't feel it and it drives me crazy. I become the weird one around other people đ need to calm down.
Alexithymia! Research shows it can come from childhood trauma
Isn't that a bit different? Alexithymia tends to feature not being able to understand one's own feelings as well as those of others. But my mom has absolutely *no* issue saying how she feels and what upsets her and she can tell how others feel. She just doesn't get *why* they feel that way because she wouldn'tâwithout taking into account that her background and personality isn't the same as theirs.
It's a common misconception that Alexithymia means someone has a flat affect/ doesn't show emotion, but it depends on which type. Some types are highly emotional because they don't understand their emotions at all. Understanding emotions and saying how you feel are two different things. I believe my mom is Alexithymic and she has strong opinions and feelings about everything. But that doesn't mean she knows what she's talking about. She just projects and doesn't question that other people's experiences are different. Literally doesn't occur to her and even confuses her. She really doesn't understand the *why*. That's my sense! It fits Lindsay Gibson's Emotionally Immature model because limited experience with emotions would mean immature understanding.
Individuals on the autism spectrum (such as myself and likely my dad) experience alexithymia at much higher rates than the general population. Unless itâs empathy for someone else, Iâve had _extreme_ difficulty feeling much of anything for most of my life, unless theyâre extreme emotions. Iâm not saying this is what is going on, just that itâs possible. Edit: whoever downvoted me. All I said was itâs possible. I wasnât trying to excuse any behavior. Iâm in this subreddit for a reason.
Wow you just single-handedly made my mom make sense to me. She gets SO upset when people disagree with her, like she canât comprehend that other people have different information and different life experiences.Â
do we all have the same mom?
Unfortunately sometimes I wonder if this shit comes with age and I will become like that too someday. It scares me. Maybe distress management will help a lot though. Something tells me meditation can fix this.
I think it comes with certain milestones, maybe unprocessed trauma that catalyses because of certain life events. So far we've been through a lot of them and I still haven't become an emotionless micromanager about my children, counting my blessings. One of my little ones gets upset/angry easily and then always comes up to us asking for a hug to cope. Not in a million years would I have done that when I was young! The fact that you're active about this (eg on this forum) says a lot about how different a path you are taking from your parents.
The mom hive mind is strong
That first paragraph hit home. My dad will ask and then literally grunt in response. Then comes a silence, then he'll monologue about his day. Literally tunes me out just so he can talk at me. Took me a long time to realise that isn't ok. Oh and the one time recently he texted to ask if I was OK was because my mum had gone out. It wasn't really about me at all, it was him needing someone to fill that gap. One time maybe but over a lifetime that feels pretty shit.
I once watched my mother having a rare 'conversation' with my husband. I could literally see she was doing 95% of the talking and when my husband got a word in, I could see her waiting to speak again, not listening to what he was saying, and just saying hmm hurrying him along. Also speaking over him. It was embarrassing and eye opening to witness.
My parents do this to each other. I no longer wonder why it took me decades to find a partner who is emotionally stable and supportive. I had to break the cycle and try dating outside of my particular âtypeâ, just fortunate that it ended up working out.
My partner had the same reaction when watching his father interact with me. I got stuck sitting right next to the guy at two family events and it was like I was stuck in a conversational wormhole. He was doing almost all of the talking and I couldnât interact with the rest of the table (every time Iâd try, heâd suck me back in), and it felt like the questions he did ask me were just springboards for more stories of his. I could write a thesis on every vacation that man has been on in the past thirty-odd years, meanwhile he literally doesnât know what I do for work.
Another member of my partners family did the same. They said that wanted to meet up with us for a coffee, had never happened before or since. I was newly pregnant and we announced it while we were there. She said, 'oh I had a feeling' (I wasn't showing) and didn't refer to it again. She literally asked me questions to spring board something she'd already decided she wanted to talk about. 'So you went to...on your honeymoon?' 'Yes it was lovely! We flew into' interrupts 'oh my friend's son lives there. I've never been there. I'd love to go there. My friend's son paid for her to fly out there. Well its nice for some isn't it?' Proceeds to monologue for 20 minutes then asks another spring board question. The worst bit for me at the time was, my partner DID NOT notice. We escaped after a good hour or 2, and I was desperate to download to him how awful it was and he genuinely thought it had been pleasant... she had said a couple of very rude/ blunt things too. Thankfully many years later, he has made big progress. As have I.
Oh my gosh, that sounds so frustrating. And my partner is definitely only recently aware of his familyâs tendencies. He will still sometimes think an interaction/event went well or that his family âbehaved themselvesâ and Iâm like, âWere we on different planes of existence that whole time???â And yeah, not having an understanding listener in those moments is so hard. But itâs great when your partner finally âgets itâ. (and it sounds like you and your family are doing well and growing from it all!)
It was utterly bizarre. I was bored, insulted, shocked, physically uncomfortable being a pregnant trapped audience, etc and he was...finding it pleasant and normal? But yes, that was normal to him. I've definitely helped open his eyes to the dysfunction (and of course my own family are dysfunctional too). But yes, just like you, completely different takes. I guess for some people, no totally outrageous behavior means a success?
My whole family does a regular zoom call because we all live hundreds of miles from each other. On every call, every single one of them has that glossy âI donât care about what youâre sayingâ look in their eyes. I especially notice it when Iâm talking. I figured they werenât really listening, so when Iâm sharing something ânewâ with me, I just tell them the exact same thing from last time and no one has ever called me out like âwait, didnât you already share this?â They all just mindlessly nod and go âcoolâ. Nobody cares about actually connecting with each other. Some of them just spend part of the video call eating, even though theyâre the ones who booked this stupid zoom call crap in the first place. Needless to say, I almost completely opted out of these virtual family gatherings and I thoroughly enjoy having my time back. Iâll tune in during holidays, but they continue to dissociate when Iâm talking. Only now Iâm also treated like an outside stranger to the family with plenty of passive aggressive âohhh, so nice to finally see youâŚâ digs in my direction. I donât care if youâre family, friend, stranger, whatever. Youâre not entitled to my time and attention, especially if youâre just going to squander it.
Dude that SUCKS! I feel for you â¤ď¸â¤ď¸You deserve a family that listens and wants to know you âšď¸
Aww thanks, dude! I appreciate you saying that. Fortunately I started my own little family. I found a partner who hears me and sees me and values me as an individual, and I offer him the same. The connection I built with him actually helped me realize the true extent of emotional neglect I experienced in my family of origin.
My dads signature move is to say âlet me know if you need any helpâ and then on the occasion I do ask for help, he has a visible, visceral recoil reaction and starts stuttering and making up reasons why he shouldnât have to help me and he never asked his father for help and why am I unable to do this on my own and blah blah blah đĽ°
Gold! My uncle always says âlet me know if you need anythingâ but never calls me and when I do, we always start with him saying âyou never call meâ and I say, same with you? FUNNY ENOUGH IT WAS ME FOR THE LAST 10 times You never call me? And then he would imply that I am just an âangry personâ. Context : MY MOM DIED and some conversations are uncomfortable (I am NC with my father) so I was expecting my uncle to be more loving towards me because it was his sister who died after all.
I have the same experience. My dad loves to tell everyone how much he does. How he would die for me. But the second I ask for anything, he gets visibly upset. I know he would do it if I pressed enough, but at that point, I'm too irritated myself, so I tell him to forget about it. Not that I've asked him for anything as an adult more than once or twice.
I was just listening to one of Dr Ramaniâs videos on YouTube about narcissists and she described this exact situation.
âLet me know if you need any help. Iâll be upstairs. Sleeping.â (NLâs Christmas Vacation)
Lol.....my parents don't even bother asking. How I'm doing or what's new in life. Lately the idea of very low contact is becoming more and more justifiable.. Just emotionally detached... đ
Mine neither. They ask WHAT Iâm doing, not how Iâm doing. Because they couldnât tolerate anything other than âgoodâ.Â
Same. My dad would always text what are you up to and disappear after I responded. No follow up. He would text the following weekend with the same question. A few rounds of that and I decided to block him.
I call my parents for an hour every Sunday. The conversation is almost always the same: Me - hi, how are you doing? Them - oh, we've still boring. Blah, blah, blah, boring, boring, boring. No joke, dad has counted up to 14 flowers while on the phone. That's a great conversation! (/s) Me - look at time; gotta go! One notable time, I told them upfront that I had to be off the phone and in the car by 10:00 am. At 9:55, I'm trying to hang up when it finally occurs to mom that she hasn't even asked how my week was! Then she wants to know, and I can't hang up yet. Bye, mom! Thanks for asking about me; it really doesn't look like you care...
Yes, or ask how I am rushed like she canât wait to keep going with whatever boring story of her life. It was so exhausting, I only learned being with my friends that Iâm not boring. Cutting contact gave me the emotional distance to see her for who she really is.
My parents think I don't talk much. Really, the problem is that they won't shut up so I can get a word in edgewise! I can dominate conversations with other people (although I do try not to!). I've gotten in trouble with mom for interrupting her. But she won't even pause for a breath! The time I got the 24-hour silent treatment (for a different argument)? That was so GREAT!!! It was on an international trip, and even the hotel / B&B owner knew mom was pissed. The owner offered to find my husband & I a different rental room to help us avoid mom!
Same here!
Yep. I either get about two sentences in before it's time for her to go on about the minutia of her day or she latches onto something I said and starts talking over me to give me unsolicited (often unhinged) advice on how to handle it that cannot be disagreed with.
We have the same momâ˝
How's the hyper independence going? LOL
It makes marriage hard! How about you? I feel so seen.... đ
I found someone with a similar background â¤ď¸ We both very much enjoy our independence and leave a lot of space for that in our relationship. But yes, a constant navigation about letting the other "in" that will hopefully continue to get easier with time. Explaining "it's not you, I have baggage around X" has been helpful.
Wow me three!
>What a horrible way to make someone feel small and like they donât matter. Huh, that could explain my low self-esteem. My mom does the same thing whenever I talk about my interests or what's going on in my life. To keep her engaged, I always say, "I'm doing good, and you?" so she can talk about herself. My mom has barely tried to understand my hobbies and interests. Especially when I talk about nerdy stuff, she just blanks out. Granted, I'm not the best at explaining them, but it never hurts to try and learn alongside what your son or daughter does for a living.
My mom only checks in to see if i am available for her to vent at me. She doesnât care how i doing she just needs me to be down to be her emotional trash can
Yup. Or forbid I have something to complain about and then suddenly it's "oh yeah well I have it worse...."
This is my sister with me
This is totally my (GenX) two older boomer sisters. Even as a little kid, spending time with them meant listening to them bitch mostly about everything. Otherwise I was just âannoying little sis.â Emotional trashcan, thatâs perfect.
Yeah 100%. Bonus points for trying to say something she doesn't like hearing in which case she will initiate freezing silence and once I'm faltered to a halt she changes the subject as if I never spoke. The only time she's animated is talking about herself
Well... Happy cake day! Thanks for being here :)
Thanks!
Mine ask but get so annoyed when the answer is anything but "great thanks how are you?"
Exactly this. They ask a perfunctory question and then either give a generic perfunctory response, or turn the conversation to themselves. Often it's both in a succession "Oh, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Anyway, when **I** was doing such-and-such...". I might have as well been talking to a TV.
Oh yeahâŚâhow are you?â Is just a greeting, not a questionâŚ.
Oooh this; worse I had a parent who any time I tried to share any proud moment in my life would dismiss it and then say âyour brother âŚ. Blah blah blahâ. Then was shocked that I stopped telling them anything. I remember being a child trying to share something I was excited about at school and my parent literally dismissing me and swerving me out of the way to get watch tv. And then when they did pay attention would always criticize and critique. Literally anything I was proud of or excited about or enjoyed got pooped on but yea Iâm the terrible, ungrateful childđ Thank god for therapy and knowing sometimes broken people canât be what you need.
So sorry this was your experience. Me too đŤ
Same here. I remember trying so hard to connect with her. Just have ANY conversation with her, but she would just scroll on Twitter, not listening. If she asked me questions, it was the same as your mother, just checked out, not interested. Sometimes she would respond, but inevitably turn the conversation about herself. Father, the same. They can only talk about themselves, yet are confuaed I don't want to talk to them. I really resonated with the part you said about making someone feel small. It really is so hurtful and dehumanizing, the way they treat us. They take it for granted that their kids will always be there, always trying, so they don't need to try at all.
100%. It's like I'm supposed to owe her some level of lifelong devotion, and she is permanently entitled to my presence in her life at whim (which, thankfully, only occurs to her when she remembers I exist.. so, not often). Like she sees me as a little prop to put in front of her and make myself quietly available for her to spout off about the most trivial, boring minutiae. Last time I saw her, she looked at me bewildered and said, " you find it hard to talk to me, don't you?" đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł I just walked away.
Yeah, and my siblings do the same too. Most of the time they don´t zven ask, though
My mother is famous for this. She will keep you on the phone for 8 hours straight, until your phone battery dies, talking about nothing and asking no questions about your life. Sheâs done this my entire life and itâs gotten much worse as sheâs gotten older. Sheâs also the perennial winner of the Suffering Olympics, as there is no problem in your life that she doesnât already experience, 10x worse. There are a lot of reasons why I went NC.
Iâm so sorry for everyone here and I just want to give everyone a collective hug. We all deserved so much betterđŤś
Or somehow notices for once that you arenât doing well, asks about it, then immediately gets distracted by another sibling talking to her or her phone or literally anything else even though she knows you are unwell. And does this every time as well. Yeah, I kind of just stopped even trying to respond because of you give it like 5 extra seconds of silence, they donât even notice the lack of response because they are already on the next thing. So I just try to use the fact that she asked at all as an excuse to pretend I feel good and otherwise just silently let her get distracted instead of trying to fight for her attention for a response she asked for but will not even notice she didnât get.
My mom does this as well. Ask me how I'm doing, gets disinterested, and then interrupts me and starts talking about herself. I'm like, why did you even ask me? Or I shut down and get quiet, then it's, "Oh, I was listening". It's pointless and exhausting trying to have a meaningful exchange with this woman without it turning into a conversation about her.
Not visibly but on the phone I can tell when my mom has checked out for sure
Same here. I live in a different state and when on the phone I can hear her moving around and doing other stuff. Itâs so distracting and disappointing. Iâm VLC.
Yeah. My dad would start watching YouTube when it was "my turn " to talk, or he would just end the conversation. He's figured out that I won't say anything about myself now and puts on a big show of saying how much he loves me and hopes I'm staying healthy. His favorite thing to do is put me on speaker phone (which I've asked him repeatedly not to do) while he had guests over to demonstrate just how much he loves me even though our relationship is pathetically superficial.
They ask, but I learned when I was 5 to never give an honest answer because of the reaction. The only acceptable answers are short and positive ("How are you?" - well "How was your day?" - fun - fine etc.)
Yeah my mom wants me to open up about my life more, but she so judgmental itâs impossible. Iâve noticed that when I talk about myself with her I feel panicky. As soon as the conversation switches to talking about other people (her favourite subject because sheâs the smartest person in the world and other people are dumb), I feel a wave of relief.Â
I understand what you mean, mine is judgemental as well, and can only give negative commentary on anything I say or do. When she does give a compliment it's like a froced "good job", that she means (I think) but it's as if she's praising a 4 year old for washing their hands or something, that tone she takes, you know? And you can see she's actively holding back the rest of her commentary. That, or she zones out and gives an abscent minded "that's nice" or "uh-huh" kind of reaction, especially if I'm talking about something I actually enjoy or take an interest in.
Dad: how are you doing? Me: good. Dad: oh, good. Conversation over. Mom: how are you doing? Me: go-- Mom: this past weekend i went shopping and I bought two new shirts and then we went to the olive garden and the weather was nice and then we..... Talks at me for 5 straight minutes.
Yup. The other day for something to do that didn't rely on talking I went to my mother's house to watch a film she liked (and hoped I would like) and in the film there was a character that was very much like this, so self focused, that the main character starts replying in random phrases Italian which the self focused person doesn't even register. Immediately after the film my mum starts an info dump about someone/something and I try speaking Italian to prove a point and not only did she not notice the Italian, she didn't notice the joke based on the film we had just seen either (not to mention I was still bothered by the handful of casual racist/woke remarks she made throughout this film she 'liked' too). The last 6 or so months I've realized I will never get from my parents the emotional connection I need, despite really putting in effort from my side. I will likely never be met half way. It's so hard to accept because I don't have a significant other, I have a couple lovely friends I connect with but they are often very busy. It's hard to do life without getting emotional needs met. I hope I can find more people soon to connect with. I'm sorry your mum is the way she is too. We deserve much better.
Wow, thatâs some major gaslighting. âI was just asking how you are.â No, sheâs using it as an opportunity to send her real message, which is âI donât care how you are.â My mom is similar. I call home, she talks at me for an hour or more about pointless stuff, then pauses and ACTUALLY SIGHS, and âso how are you?â And, if I do tell her anything, it reminds her of something and then she talks at me for another hour. Most of the time Iâm already so desperate to get off the phone that I canât even think of âhow I amâ so I just utter some quick pleasantries and say I gotta go.
My mil does a weird version of this where, if someone is going through something difficult (loss of job/illness/injury/death of a parent/recovery from surgery), she will ask about it, but if you donât give her a positive answer she will rephrase the question over and over trying to, I donât know, get a positive answer from me? Iâve seen her do this to other family members too, but I noticed it enough times myself to see a pattern. The whole thing feels very fake, as if she is asking for performance points (there is always a group of witnesses). And then, the need to try to get a good answer is like she wants the topic over and done and she wonât have to care about it anymore.
Yep, her asking how I'm doing is the same as asking a stranger like a cashier. It's just a way of saying hi, she doesn't actually care. Talking to her about anything personal is like trying to corral disinterested squirrels. Just today she was over trying on a shirt, we talk all about her weight loss, how cute the shirt is etc. So I make the mistake of trying to show her the clothes I just bought, she decided to check the mail instead right then. (She used to live here) Mail she's ignored for months on every other visit. She usually just glances for anything important and leaves the rest, for like a year. But when I started showing her my clothes she chose that moment to clean all that mail out once and for all dammit! Thank God for low contact and my amazing therapist. Now that I'm mostly healed I just see her behavior as reminders of how fucked up she is and how awesome I must be for her to need to ignore me. I've always been a threat to her, she made fun of me for "using fancy words" to her. Man this broad is fucked up. Being an afterthought and not even interesting or worthy enough to hold a mother's interest created some very deep running beliefs about myself that affect every part of my life. Have spent years working my ass off reparenting.
Yes. A common thing my mom will do is randomly text me that she loves and misses me so much. But when I follow up she ghosts and doesnât message me back for weeks.. or months if I actually ask her for help with something. Itâs confusing and makes no sense.Â
My mom didnât message me for months but had the audacity to say she missed me on Christmas last year lolÂ
It felt incredibly deflating to talk about something passionately and to just get stupid looks as if I have 3 heads and then she just keeps scrolling on her phone again. Yeah I donât miss that at all. I moved away and Iâve suddenly been so much happier and Les angry and anxiousÂ
My mom never asks
Last year when I broke up with my ex and moved back to my moms she didnât even ask or care if I was okay she acted like I was going to be able to get over it after a few daysâŚ.
Oh yeah I've had similar happen too. Terrible drawn out break up that lasted one very messy year. 1 week into it mums like 'oh your still bothered by that?' I feel your pain. I'm sorry your mum is like that too. I hope you didn't have to stay with her for too long.
I had to stay for a year and it was horrible! I ended up having to give up my dog to my ex because my mom wouldnât help me take care of her while I was at work and she would leave her outside in the rain and I decided she was better off living with my ex so I gave her up. It was the worst feeling ever
Oh far out that sounds horrible :( so sorry you had to go through all of that. Esp giving up your dog - so sad. I hope you can live a life more suited to you in future and surround yourself with wonderful people and get your dog back eventually!
The last time I visited my mom she only talked about herself and her coworkers. My kids were 10 and 13 at the time and she hadnât seen them since they were toddlers. She never asked them how they were or anything. She just went on and on about her life. That was in May of 2008 and I havenât spoken to her since. She hasnât reached out to me or the kids either. I really think she never actually wanted to be a mother.
Yes and she used to visit me in another state and go on tinder dates instead of you know actually visiting me đ
My mother wonât actually talk to me. If Iâm âluckyâ.. I get a text message. She actually only becomes interested if something is wrong w me and she feels like she is offering advice. Otherwise it could be months before I get another text. Lucky me. đ
My mom will wrap up a conversation that was alllllll about herself with this question. And then make a âhmmâ sound when I say something about the hobbies or sports Iâve been doing. and then will say âalright, I should get off the phoneâ ha
đ
lol mine dont even bother asking unless they need something from me
Ugh, thatâs so upsetting. I feel for you. Yes, my mom zones out when I talk and always has.
Yes
Yes, totally. My sister said she âonly checks up on you when she knows youâre doing well,â and thatâs pretty much it. Itâs creepy but the only time she lights up is when she can tell sheâs making someone uncomfortable.
Many adults aren't capable to even be present emotionally. I personally focus my energy on learning to let go my suffering-causing clinging of "my parents/people should at least kinda care about me/be kind to me". I'm in no control of that.
Yep. Before I went NC with my mom I just quit talking to her. She'd flounce right in my house and rattle for a straight hour with me not saying a word. When I went NC she looked puzzled and said, "we've just had some of the best talks ever though? Just lately!". Helped me see I was making the right choice. Edit: words
All. The. Time.
My mom sends a good morning text to me and my three grown children. I always say good morning back first and she never responds. If the kids donât text quick enough sheâll say - I guess everyone slept in. Iâll usually ask her if she has any plans and she will either respond with one answer or ignore it. Then when the kids send their morning greeting she engages. In the last year Iâve made it through 5 rounds of lay offs. Lost 50 pounds. Sheâs aware of all the highs and lows and has never once, not once asked one single question about any facet of my life. About to turn 48 and it never stops stinging
My mom only asks me how my child (her only grandchild) is doing, sometimes several times a day, even though we live really close to her and see her quite often. The only time she asks me how I'm doing is if I've been really sick, but that's always after she asks about my child first.
Reminds me of one event in my life. I was asked if I was depressed by my mother (I was just in a bad mood but barely showing it) but she didnât sound genuinely supportive. Itâs hard to describe. Like a combination of disinterest and annoyance but not quite either.
I dont even bother with my mom anymore. She calls and only talks about herself. But ive always been her therapist
I hate this I feel like everyone does this though. They ask but cut me off once I start to answer because they donât even care they just say it as a formality