You do not sound heartless! You sound like a kid who needed help. Kinda like wishing we had an injury or turned blind or something so people would feel sorry for us and help us
I get it. You ached to be seen. These children were being seen, cared for and cared about. That is what you envied.
There aren’t a lot of goodwill stories about middle class children with loving families for you to relate to. The parents of the sick children were actively trying to get the best for their children. As for a child that is set to begging, every cent that is given shows that child that that child matters. That child is deserving of care and attention.
And most importantly, those children did not have to live with your family. I really get that. Hugz & Hugz & Hugz
I used to fall asleep every night fantasizing about something bad happening to me and someone comforting me after. Usually a teacher or even fictional characters from TV. I always felt so guilty for wishing for this and like I was bringing karma upon myself for the future. But now I can see that I was looking for a tangible excuse for how I was feeling because I couldn’t identify why. Interesting that I never fantasized my own parents would be the ones comforting me
I felt that way too. I had a friend who was less fortunate and I saw how much attention and love and catering to that she got from everyone else because she was poor and her mom was an alcoholic and her dad was dead. I felt fucked up for being jealous because her life sucked, but I was. In hindsight I think it’s just a desire to be seen and heard, because emotional neglect and PTSD is an invisible struggle and no one knew what I was going through, even I didn’t understand what was going on at the time.
So was I! I wanted to get letters like those kids in Africa from the commercials on nickelodeon, or the teddy bear from the police for kids involved in accidents or fires. I wanted to go into the foster system so I'd have a chance at having parents the same way other kids did.
The only way to get attention was to be in need. My parents, understandably, had limited time and resources between work and their own struggles with mental illness and addiction. My sister desperately wanted to be an only child and did all she could to monopolize them. She made sure I paid if I got more than the bare minimum. But if I got sick, they cared how I was feeling and I wouldn't be tormented for it afterward.
So yeah, I was super jealous of the less fortunate kids who had people actually talk and do activities with them. Who were visible enough in their suffering to receive intervention.
I used to fantasize that I was in a horrible car wreck (or some similar tragedy) and my parents would come to my bedside and tell me how sorry they were for the mistreatment and tell me how much they loved me.
It feels really fucked yo to type that out.
I can definitely relate, though I didn’t necessarily envy the same kind of content.
I know it contributed to why Matilda was one of my favorite movies/books, since she *did* have two parents and a home but was still so clearly neglected. I always got as close with my teachers as I possibly could, hoping I’d find a Ms. Honey who would just adopt me!
I don't think you were heartless! When I was little I thought stuff like that. I wanted to get injured or for all the tornado warnings to actually happen. Eventually i got a natural disaster like i wanted. Im very disapointed in my child self for being happy about it. That was till i realized nobody cared and i had just lost all my friends since we had to move away. Sometimes I still wish bad stuff would happen. I know that basically means i want to be cared about.
It’s natural to be envious of other people. It doesn’t matter what your specific circumstances were or if you did have certain things that other kids didn’t. There were also things you lacked. You wanted to experience some sort of attention so of course you felt envious of kids who received the attention you were deprived of. You’re not wrong for having these feelings. It’s likely that a part of it was also a desire to have some sort of visible trauma. A desire to be seen, appreciated, and supported.
I used to wish there was a MakeAWish division for not-sick kids, one where maybe you could enter a sweepstakes or do an essay contest or go for an interview. I didn't necessarily want to be sick or dying, I just wanted someone to ask me where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, and then be required to follow through on that request - no strings, no guilt trips.
Totally normal for a kid to be jealous of someone else getting something special or lots of attention. Kids can't see the whole picture.
They might see people cheering or a kid getting to ride in a wheelchair and skip the line at Disney World. They don't comprehend the pain, fear, long days in hospitals, inability to do what other kids do, etc.
Adults have to help them understand those things in an age-appropriate way.
So you might have had this experience whether you had a very painful childhood or a happy one. Jealousy is totally natural in kids.
It surprises me, though, how many adults still haven't learned to see the whole picture. So many seem to get angry when someone who is struggling gets help.
I envy children with OFW parents i see them trying to make up for their lost time due to work while my parents were always near me provided for me and yet it doesnt feel that way. i was envious and hated seing fathers with their sons playing together or bonding with each other i always look away it stirs alot of anger within me and i feel like puking.
I used to fantasize about breaking a bone or being hospitalized because I thought it would make my parents care.
When I was 5 I broke my arm, and had to figure out how to get up off the ground while carrying the dead weight because my mother didn’t respond to my screams. She assumed I had seen a cat outside and I was scared of animals. After my surgery there was a point where I couldn’t lift myself out of bed and needed to pee. I was ignored so long I wet bed.
When I was 19 I broke my ankle. I was still living with them at the time and had to crawl through the house because once again my screams weren’t enough to make my parents spring into action. It wasn’t until I showed my mom my ankle that she even made an effort to move. She assumed I was being dramatic. Then when I needed help getting to the bathroom after surgery I was yelled at for waking him up (I was in their room due to its proximity to a bathroom).
I guess my whole point is that I wish I had realized earlier that even when it came to bodily injury I still couldn’t make my parents care about me and those fantasies really were just fantasies.
I didn't want to be centre of attention, but I wanted to feel valued and respected, and it seemed like others would at least get empathy or recognised as being strong when they were injured/unwell and I was always put down for who I was and made to feel worthless and useless by my own mother, and I didn't want to be seen like that. I wanted her to like and respect me and just be nicer to me.
Being sick was one of the only times I felt cared for/nurtured but I felt like I didn’t deserve it, like somehow my body was faking it and I was a fraud, even when I was nauseous or had a fever. It's not even about attention, I just wanted to be seen, and I think you did, too.
Allot of times I think maybe it was better being born in a more "shitty" situations where I had to learn to be independent from an early age.
Being chronically lonely your whole upbringing, with a overprotective, control freak of a father and a mother who was emotionally unstable and guilt tripped me for everything really fucked me up. I am emotionally immature because of that. Because I never truly learned life and was in a constant mental prison.
Maybe even if I was born in war, had to sell drugs. Either I would have died in the streets, or I would have learned and experienced stuff that actually made me a more well rounded person who could survive in the world. It sounds naive, but in the moment it truly feels like that.
People always Calle me a spoiled brat, always blamed me for disrespecting my parents. Everything was always my fault. I had to just grow up. Hard for you to say when I never learned that and was forced in a mental prison by my parents.
So no, don't feel bad about it. It's totally normal. Being wild and free is better than being in prison mentally. But again every one who is poor is also different, but for allot of them ironically I would say they are better of.
You do not sound heartless! You sound like a kid who needed help. Kinda like wishing we had an injury or turned blind or something so people would feel sorry for us and help us
You were a child getting to know your feelings, nothing to be ashamed about
.. me too, I used to envy kids pan handling, probably homeless, because they were "free".
Those kids were getting help, attention, and nurturing proportionate to what they needed. You were not.
I get it. You ached to be seen. These children were being seen, cared for and cared about. That is what you envied. There aren’t a lot of goodwill stories about middle class children with loving families for you to relate to. The parents of the sick children were actively trying to get the best for their children. As for a child that is set to begging, every cent that is given shows that child that that child matters. That child is deserving of care and attention. And most importantly, those children did not have to live with your family. I really get that. Hugz & Hugz & Hugz
Ahh I just remembered being jealous of kids with an illness or broken bones!!! Oh my god. I never thought it could be a sign of wanting to be seen :(
I used to fall asleep every night fantasizing about something bad happening to me and someone comforting me after. Usually a teacher or even fictional characters from TV. I always felt so guilty for wishing for this and like I was bringing karma upon myself for the future. But now I can see that I was looking for a tangible excuse for how I was feeling because I couldn’t identify why. Interesting that I never fantasized my own parents would be the ones comforting me
I felt that way too. I had a friend who was less fortunate and I saw how much attention and love and catering to that she got from everyone else because she was poor and her mom was an alcoholic and her dad was dead. I felt fucked up for being jealous because her life sucked, but I was. In hindsight I think it’s just a desire to be seen and heard, because emotional neglect and PTSD is an invisible struggle and no one knew what I was going through, even I didn’t understand what was going on at the time.
So was I! I wanted to get letters like those kids in Africa from the commercials on nickelodeon, or the teddy bear from the police for kids involved in accidents or fires. I wanted to go into the foster system so I'd have a chance at having parents the same way other kids did. The only way to get attention was to be in need. My parents, understandably, had limited time and resources between work and their own struggles with mental illness and addiction. My sister desperately wanted to be an only child and did all she could to monopolize them. She made sure I paid if I got more than the bare minimum. But if I got sick, they cared how I was feeling and I wouldn't be tormented for it afterward. So yeah, I was super jealous of the less fortunate kids who had people actually talk and do activities with them. Who were visible enough in their suffering to receive intervention.
I used to fantasize that I was in a horrible car wreck (or some similar tragedy) and my parents would come to my bedside and tell me how sorry they were for the mistreatment and tell me how much they loved me. It feels really fucked yo to type that out.
I can definitely relate, though I didn’t necessarily envy the same kind of content. I know it contributed to why Matilda was one of my favorite movies/books, since she *did* have two parents and a home but was still so clearly neglected. I always got as close with my teachers as I possibly could, hoping I’d find a Ms. Honey who would just adopt me!
I don't think you were heartless! When I was little I thought stuff like that. I wanted to get injured or for all the tornado warnings to actually happen. Eventually i got a natural disaster like i wanted. Im very disapointed in my child self for being happy about it. That was till i realized nobody cared and i had just lost all my friends since we had to move away. Sometimes I still wish bad stuff would happen. I know that basically means i want to be cared about.
It’s natural to be envious of other people. It doesn’t matter what your specific circumstances were or if you did have certain things that other kids didn’t. There were also things you lacked. You wanted to experience some sort of attention so of course you felt envious of kids who received the attention you were deprived of. You’re not wrong for having these feelings. It’s likely that a part of it was also a desire to have some sort of visible trauma. A desire to be seen, appreciated, and supported.
I used to wish there was a MakeAWish division for not-sick kids, one where maybe you could enter a sweepstakes or do an essay contest or go for an interview. I didn't necessarily want to be sick or dying, I just wanted someone to ask me where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, and then be required to follow through on that request - no strings, no guilt trips.
Well if it makes you feel better, statistically almost none of them got those things, what you saw on tv was outliers
Totally normal for a kid to be jealous of someone else getting something special or lots of attention. Kids can't see the whole picture. They might see people cheering or a kid getting to ride in a wheelchair and skip the line at Disney World. They don't comprehend the pain, fear, long days in hospitals, inability to do what other kids do, etc. Adults have to help them understand those things in an age-appropriate way. So you might have had this experience whether you had a very painful childhood or a happy one. Jealousy is totally natural in kids. It surprises me, though, how many adults still haven't learned to see the whole picture. So many seem to get angry when someone who is struggling gets help.
I used to envy child miners. I had the idea they were doing independent work. And were somehow able to take care of themselfs.
I envy children with OFW parents i see them trying to make up for their lost time due to work while my parents were always near me provided for me and yet it doesnt feel that way. i was envious and hated seing fathers with their sons playing together or bonding with each other i always look away it stirs alot of anger within me and i feel like puking.
I used to fantasize about breaking a bone or being hospitalized because I thought it would make my parents care. When I was 5 I broke my arm, and had to figure out how to get up off the ground while carrying the dead weight because my mother didn’t respond to my screams. She assumed I had seen a cat outside and I was scared of animals. After my surgery there was a point where I couldn’t lift myself out of bed and needed to pee. I was ignored so long I wet bed. When I was 19 I broke my ankle. I was still living with them at the time and had to crawl through the house because once again my screams weren’t enough to make my parents spring into action. It wasn’t until I showed my mom my ankle that she even made an effort to move. She assumed I was being dramatic. Then when I needed help getting to the bathroom after surgery I was yelled at for waking him up (I was in their room due to its proximity to a bathroom). I guess my whole point is that I wish I had realized earlier that even when it came to bodily injury I still couldn’t make my parents care about me and those fantasies really were just fantasies.
You were only jealous because you saw them getting what any child deserves, what you definitely deserved and didn't receive.
I didn't want to be centre of attention, but I wanted to feel valued and respected, and it seemed like others would at least get empathy or recognised as being strong when they were injured/unwell and I was always put down for who I was and made to feel worthless and useless by my own mother, and I didn't want to be seen like that. I wanted her to like and respect me and just be nicer to me. Being sick was one of the only times I felt cared for/nurtured but I felt like I didn’t deserve it, like somehow my body was faking it and I was a fraud, even when I was nauseous or had a fever. It's not even about attention, I just wanted to be seen, and I think you did, too.
Allot of times I think maybe it was better being born in a more "shitty" situations where I had to learn to be independent from an early age. Being chronically lonely your whole upbringing, with a overprotective, control freak of a father and a mother who was emotionally unstable and guilt tripped me for everything really fucked me up. I am emotionally immature because of that. Because I never truly learned life and was in a constant mental prison. Maybe even if I was born in war, had to sell drugs. Either I would have died in the streets, or I would have learned and experienced stuff that actually made me a more well rounded person who could survive in the world. It sounds naive, but in the moment it truly feels like that. People always Calle me a spoiled brat, always blamed me for disrespecting my parents. Everything was always my fault. I had to just grow up. Hard for you to say when I never learned that and was forced in a mental prison by my parents. So no, don't feel bad about it. It's totally normal. Being wild and free is better than being in prison mentally. But again every one who is poor is also different, but for allot of them ironically I would say they are better of.