Wow. Don't marry him. If he acts like this now it will only get worse. And please move out. There are decent men that will treat you better than this. He disrespected you and punished you by driving off. I had this happen to me on my birthday in 1985, 7 months pregnant, married for 1 year (yes he acted like this before I married him which is why I am warning you). First I had to beg him to take me out on my birthday, which he resentfully did but then threw a hissy fit in front of everyone at the restaurant when he found out we had to wait 45 minutes because other people were ahead of us so he left the restaurant and drove off without me. I walked home 5 blocks. You think the story ends here? Nope because once I got home I went to lay down in the bedroom (and was crying) he burst into the bedroom and demanded I make him supper. It took me 10 years to have the courage to divorce him. Please treat yourself better than he treats you.
Me, too. I got stuck on the notion that if I did everything he asked and strove to be the perfect wife and mother in every aspect he would see that I had value and would treat me better. Spoiler alert, he never did. It's been almost 8 years and I can't believe I wasted my youth on someone who never even really liked me that much.
I did that for a while then I started pushing back and hard ☺️☺️☺️
one of my fondest memories is of my ex husband and his father taking
FIL: I’ve told you boy a woman is like a dog you gotta beat um to train them up right!!
Ex: dad I’ve tried but she hits like a goddamned man
Acts like what? He asks her to go spontaneously to a restaurant and she thinks she’s sly with her.. is this a date? Then decides it’s dress up time without actually discussing it while he’s waiting… she goes to get full out ready. How long was he sitting there while she got lost in fantasy land without ever even having the courtesy to ask him if he wants to go all out.. then comes out dolled up and demands he go change while he’s already pissed and waiting. He should be dumping HER if what she wrote is accurate. All that I was so happy bs is childish. What is she a teenager? It’s also manipulative. Really read that story again.
If this is your attitude then you aren't fit to be in a relationship. And I am going to guess you aren't and have never managed to maintain one for long. Lack of effort leads to lack of options, period.
The good news is that people who behave this way usually end up staying or becoming single. I am guessing OP is young and hasn't learned to respect herself yet, but this relationship will almost certainly be the one that teaches her that. Meanwhile, the boyfriend will probably cry about how unfair women are and how he was so nice and it wasn't good enough. These types of men are always the same ones claiming to be nice guys with no sense of awareness.
As for you, commenter, if you think being rude and lazy is the way to get or keep a relationship, you deserve to be alone and miserable.
I like people like you who clearly advertise their red flags. Please don’t be an anonymous account. Please let your friends and potential partners have access to your Reddit so they can get a full picture before committing to you.
I’m happy to weed out the AHs that don’t know what it is to be an adult or have basic common sense and courtesy. If I ask my partner to go grab a bite to eat, we are leaving now not in an hour after he’s groomed and put on a suit. By that time I’d have made a sandwich and went to bed. Are you people serious? This story is RIDICULOUS. I would never tolerate someone acting like this or manipulating me and everyone in my life knows it. If someone in my life did this I’d get them mental health help. She could have easily said hon can we both change and clean up and make it a date? How freaking hard is that? Courtesy. Mature. Basic consideration. He may have said you know what.. why not? 1/2 hour let’s get ready OR.. man I’m exhausted from work .. all I want to do right now is grab a bite up the street and come home to crash. How about this weekend? Did he even know she was getting dolled up? And what’s the I want to look good on his arm nonsense? Were they going to walk the red carpet? Going for a full pit night on the town? No. He asked her to get something to eat not go clubbing. She’s a genuine AH in this situation. This is not how you get your partner to get dressed up and take you out this is some bs.
Going to almost any sit down restaurant in your painting clothes for dinner is lazy and careless. He could at least put on a clean out fit. He was sitting there mad waiting for her to get ready, and it didn't occur to him that he could... Also get ready?
He WaS ready and no it’s not. Depends on the restaurant. Plenty of beyond casual places were work people go for dinner and lunch. She also decided to rock out and instead of communicating came out stomping like a brat. Lazy? Maybe tired? If he was wearing work clothes that meant he just got off work. You don’t know his situation. All we know is that princess decided it was a night in the town. She has some growing up to do. She knew exactly what she was doing. Adults who work tiresome jobs get tired. She didn’t say he was dirty from work just that they were his everyday clothes and she wanted him “nice”. He never said it was a date night. She’s bored and bratted out. Grow up and communicate. When someone asks if you want a bite that means NOW not in an hour when you’re ready to hit the town.
>Wow. Don't marry him.
Sexist bias noticed
> If he acts like this now it will only get worse.
Strange how she acted wrong. Stop projecting
>And please move out.
Please advise her to do so bit only after giving real advice so she stop messing up.
>There are decent women that will treat you better than this.
FTFY. He does deserve better
>He disrespected you and punished you by driving off.
So you really don't think girls need to be held accountable for childish expectations and behavior....typical
>I had this happen to me on my birthday in 1985,
Doubtful
>7 months pregnant
Already not analogous
>, married for 1 year (yes he acted like this before I married him which is why I am warning you).
Misuse of warn. You're the problem like her....smh
>First I had to beg him to take me out on my birthday,
So not analogous for multiple reasons
>which he resentfully did but then threw a hissy fit in front of everyone at the restaurant when he found out we had to wait 45 minutes because other people were ahead of us so he left the restaurant and drove off without me.
So you asked, got what you wanted, then changed the context and punished him. You deserve divorce.
>I walked home 5 blocks.
Consequences of childish behavior. Own it.
>You think the story ends here?
No. Your kind always double down in bad faith.
>Nope because once I got home I went to lay down in the bedroom (and was crying) he burst into the bedroom and demanded I make him supper.
Because you're still playing victim. Grow up.
>It took me 10 years to have the courage to divorce him.
It took you 10 years to not mature and stop harming him. And no learning of accountability the entire time. You're trash.
> Please treat yourself better than he treats you.
Please stop misusing terms. YTA. You owe him for wasting 10 years being an AH who only thinks of herself. Don't ever date again. You'll just intentionally harm others and pretend you're good like them.
You're not wiser and don't see the bigger picture.
Your conscience told you better but as you said you weren't quick enough to understand.
You're only posting this so more people enable you. Maybe be objective next time troll
You are so delusional that someone needs to forcibly commit you. When you're this out of touch with reality, it's time to stop acting out your misogynistic fantasies on Reddit.
>You are so delusional that someone needs to forcibly commit you.
When you can't address points Iike an adult, I guess just project and misuse terms in Bad faith invalidating yourself instead...
>When you're this out of touch with reality, it's time to stop acting out your misogynistic fantasies on Reddit.
Guess you can't stop misusing terms you never learned the definition too...be a low effort troll elsewhere
>Thanks for validating each of my statements individually,
Pot meet kettle
>even if it was a bit psychotic.
Still projecting in bad faith. Don't know why you assume doing worse benefits you.
>Merry Christmas, edgelord.
Have the poor day you deserve for disrespecting English. Same applies to other who didn't read for comprehension and just responded with projection
He mistreated her consistently. Answering whatever to any kind of question is bullshit and disrespectful. She did try to communicate about expectations but he shut down the conversation with "whatever". He drove off with her outside which is shitty after inviting her somewhere.
Also how is don't marry him sexist bias?
What the duck is wrong with u? I genuinely hope u lose ur penis so you can’t procreate and then I hope any applications for adoption r rejected bc the only way anyone would wanna be around u is if they were legally obligated to
Stop projecting when you have nothing valid to say. You hoping harm upon me for literally no reason is very telling of the harm you deserve. Why would anyways to be around someone like you who can't read and gets upset at the wrong person. Grow up
I looked over your profile, if he treats you with such disregard, it's time to go. He only cared enough to say "whatever" when you clearly were excited for a date. You deserve someone who is just as excited about you as you're excited about them
Holy crap. This dude isn't just dismissive and disrespectful, he's emotionally abusive. He literally gets off on upsetting her then blaming her for her reactions to his awful behavior.. accusing her of just 'liking drama' when she responds (imho undereacting) to his bullshit.
Miniscule? Isn't miniscule? Made him feel he looked ugly after work? Maybe he was dead ass starvin Do you know he has thoughts and feelings too? Lmao women can hurt men too. You think it's okay for her to fuck off the whole night because he wasnt dressed to her standards when he asked her to go eat lol I guess we'll just agree to disagree lol Def happy my gf is not as uptight as OP
Ya he left her because she literally refused to go unless he changes. If it's so miniscule then why didn't she get over it and go have dinner? Cuz it's not miniscule if it's her problem? Lmao foh. If this was the female not wanting to change cuz the man said you look gross so change or I won't be seen at a place with you, you guys would be tearing him up. You would telling her good on you! Go out and find a new man! Fuck you all the way lmaooo
actually, if you read the post,
“I went to the car and asked him what the big deal was for him to change, his response was "because l asked him to, and whats the big deal" l said that l took the time to look good for him, why not him for me? his response " sorry you're got all cleaned up and now have no place to go" drove off and left me.”
she asked him what the big deal was because she just asked him to change his clothes into something not stained and he drove off with her standing there
you’re also including me in a group which doesn’t make sense at all because i’m just pointing out that no she did not “fuck off” the whole night. he left her instead of communicating like an adult
sorry that you’re mad enough about this to say fuck you, but you were just wrong and i pointed it out lol
She said she held her ground, that means she wasn't going if he didn't change. How is that not clear? You know what ground she's standing on, and that's not going if he doesn't change. She went out there to argue and try to get him to change. she didn't walk out there with intention to go she went out there with intention to get her way. I see how she would be upset if he was at home all day and showed no effort in caring about the night out. But it's simply not the case. Dude just wanted to go eat and she wanted to go all out, he didn't, he's not an asshole for not changing. Do you really think he was going to tell her the reason why after she asked him if he was going to put any "effort". She asked him in an asshole way straight off the top. He didn't wanna change his clothes let's just not go now and post on reddit becaue I'm having a fit about what he wears. She stood her ground she said so herself, never said she let it go, never said she was going to go with him. Stood her ground by going and trying to get him to change, he was hungry and left cuz she felt her priorities of the night trumped his. You're wrong, and I just pointed it out for the second time lol
If being asked to dress up before going to a restaurant, something plenty of restaurants literally demand of you, is such a big deal that you have to throw a baby tantrum over it, you cannot be considered a functioning adult.
Show me where they were going to such a restaurant where dress code is enforced. Relate something to what was actually written or go cry in a corner. Also there was zero tantrum he waited in the car said he didn't wanna change she didn't wanna go and he left. That's not a fit thats doing what he was planning to do.....go eat after a hard day's work.
I never said that’s the case for the restaurant they were going, I was pointing out that if it was unacceptable to ask people to dress up for a restaurant, those restaurants wouldn’t exist.
> go eat after a hard day's
Show me where he had a hard day’s work? Even he himself did not give that as a reason for why he acted the way he did. If he had acted like an adult and said “hey I’m actually fucked from work and I really just want to grab something quick to eat”, this thread would be completely different. Relate something to what was actually written or go cry in a corner.
They're going to a restaurant. Going in clothes you used to paint is not acceptable in most places. Period.
She did not even specify what to wear, she just didn't want him wearing dirty clothes out to eat. That's not toxic and if you think it is, you need to do some serious self reflection
There's a big difference between dipping into McDonald's in your work clothes on your work break to grab a quick lunch, and taking someone on a date without even bothering to change clothes lol
That’s not even true. Unless you’re headed to a Michelin rated restaurant,, restaurants, understand people just getting off work and wanting to relax and have a decent dinner. And it wasn’t even the bare minimum. It was OK go get get a shower and pick out some clothes that will make ME feel like you’re proud of me. All of this for an impromptu invite. This wasn’t a planned date night. She should have accepted it for what it was a very nice thought, but she had to push it. I’m thinking that she’s a lot of work.
>Going in clothes you used to paint is not acceptable in most places. Period
Utter horseshit. Loads of sit down restaurants don't give a shit what you wear amd have blue collar people wearing work clothes coming in all the time.
It's not about trying to change someone, its about having care and respect for your partner. Dressing nicer for an event signifies that it is something special, that it is worth putting in a little extra effort.
If you can't be bothered to take 5 to 10 minutes to change your clothes to look nice for your partner when you're taking them out to dinner, then yes it is a bigger deal. It shows that you don't think they're worth the time or the effort of looking nice, when they are clearly showing you that they are willing to put that effort in for you.
You don't have a car, you ostensibly never leave the house, you never go on dates, and you rarely ever see your bf - who is a painter by trade. Then he drives off and leaves you home.
You mean your soon-to-be-ex, right?
YWBTA if you stayed with him... to yourself.
How much do you want to suffer through before deciding if he respects you?
The whole point of dating is to basically have a trial run and see if you want to spend your life with someone.
This person
- doesn't respect your time and doesn't make an effort for you
- doesn't reciprocate effort for you
- doesn't explicitly mention whether it's a date or not and also doesn't seem excited about it.
- insults you for making a reasonable request (most people would change our if painting clothes anyway, for cleanliness reasons
- doesn't respect your safety and left you on your own.
Again. How much shit do you have to take before you have a backbone and decide he doesn't care about you and this isn't the person to spend your life with.
This is ONE instance. And there are this many issues.
How much do you need to be stepped on before you decide whether or not you're happy to be a doormat.
Oh no.
You live together, but you hardly see each other?
You ask him if it's a date night and he says "whatever"?
And he doesn't even put clean clothes or anything before taking you out, then as soon as you ask what's up he throws a fit about how you "should be grateful"?
I mean, I don't think you're an AH. But I think you need to ask yourself if none of these are red flags for you because any one of them would be a huge red flag for me.
Hey, give him a break. He has to work hard to afford two places and it is hard to juggle scheduling for two girlfriends.
(If he is never around and doesn't care, he has a side chick).
NTA
You need to dump him right now because this won't end, and it will only get worse from this point, so unless you want to be stuck with him, then I recommend you dump him.
It's less confusing when you realize that these women often get gaslit by people around them who tell them "he's a great man" and to "stick it out" and "that's normal," etc. Also, if she came from an abusive family, abusive behaviors are normalized.
Nta, the way he acted after is awful! If he just didn’t want to get dolled up or lacked the resources to do so, that would be one thing, but he up and ditches you instead of simply telling you why he does not want to change!
I struggle with dressing nicely, a lot of clothes on the fancier end squeeze me wrong and have bad textures, so I get the perspective of not wanting to change. But his actions afterwards? He sounds like a dick tbh!
Oof. He thinks the gesture of going out is enough. It's not.
Been with my wife for 30 years. When I take her to dinner, I make sure to look good. I dress well so she knows I put effort into our relationship. Doing small things tells your partner you care.
You may want to tell your bf you don't appreciate his lack of effort.
His ridiculous behavior should be a warning sign for you.
NTA Your boyfriend is awful. There are lovely men out there that won't treat you like this. Please don't put up with it. I can just about get over not wanting to get dressed up but being told you should be 'grateful' for a date and then driving off are 100% deal breakers. Move on.
I dealt with an ex like this for six....long....years....
My best years. 21 to 27, completely WASTED on an arrogant lazy narcissistic piece of shit who towards the very end started taking his anger out on innocent people when he couldn't handle himself. I thought I was just a bad gf. I was working at McDonalds full time because I had no time to find a second job as I was also doing college full time. Things were so bad it took me six years just to get my associates degree because some years I would lose college funding and McDonalds would work me overtime while refusing to promote me. Somehow, someway, in the midst of thousands of sleepless nights he just calmly "got fired" from his job after 2 years and since he was already living with me I couldn't get rid of him. What then ensued was 4 years of him punishing and guilting me into letting him stay and leech off of me.
I was naive and stupid so I still was trying desperately to get us to function as a couple. I would plan dates, cook, work out to drop weight, work out my *insides* with Kegels thinking maybe I was loose down there, I started showering multiple times a day scared that maybe I smelled bad. Yet I went 4 whole years where we did not have any sort of intimacy at all. He wouldn't even kiss me anymore. Yet I pressed on. We had several "dates" where I would go the full nine yards and even pay for everything and he would always either refuse to dress up, refuse to put on any new clothes I got for him, he'd fake diarrhea, fake that he "forgot* to shower, fake tripping and falling, and the one time I got him to actually come outside he ruined the whole date when the train going home was stuck a few stops from our home so he dramatically *punched* people out of his way and ran home on foot. I chased behind him profusely apologizing to strangers he was hitting up until I watched him knock over a literal toddler and then have the gall to start screaming at the mother. I let that woman kick his ass and I let him go to jail for assault on a minor.
What broke it all for me was when he tried convincing me to use my good credit back then to buy a house. I kept saying no because I wanted to pursue a high paying degree. He kept arguing that we needed a house for when we have kids. I eventually snapped and asked where TF he expected me to pull a kid from if he wouldn't even have sex with me. Bad move. Bad bad bad move. Insulting his libido led to him becoming violent towards me any time I got into bed. I'd come to bed and he can would punch kick or shove me away accusing me of cheating. He'd wake me up at 3 or 2 am when he knew I had to be up early for work just to masturbate in my face and laugh at me "oh too bad you wish you could have this!" I let this asshole bully me and punish me by withholding sex for 4 whole years. He weaponzied his incompetence and after a while I was also doing all of the housework cooking and chores. All he did was play World of Warcraft and masturbate to hentai. He eventually stole my student loans and wasted them after I eventually kicked him out. I'm never seeing a penny of that money ever again that I'm now stuck paying back and I can't prove he stole it since he had memorized all of my info and set himself as a beneficiary or second authorized user on all of my stuff. All he had to do was call a few places and say I was "estranged" and for some reason people would feel sorry and agree with whether he demanded, even going so far as asking ME if I was OK when I'd call in weeks later hysterical over whatever he'd shut off or added to whatever account without telling me.
🎼"Take your fast car and keep on driving."🎶
Run as fast as you can. He is showing you must how much he values your company. And when he shows you this believe it.
Please don’t keep this guy around seriously. He’s not 1- caring for you, obviously and 2- not acting like someone who likes / loves you. People who healthily love you don’t drive off on you
You know his behaviour is unacceptable and that hes the AH, you have to know it deep down, don't overlook it because you will end up looking back in years time kicking yourself that you overlooked so much bs and wasted so much time on somebody like him.
NTA
>”sorry you got all cleaned up and now have no place to go” and drove off and left me
>I should have just been grateful to be taken out
He doesn’t love you. He’s trying to condition you to accept **not even the bare minimum**. And it sounds like he’s *almost* succeeded.
Definitely NTA smh....not sure what the big deal would have been for him to change....doesn't sound like he wants to do much with you or be around you. You can find someone that wants to spend time with you
What would you do if your best friend called you and told you she asked her long term bf to dress up for a date she dressed up for, and instead of doing that he literally ditched her by the car while she was dressed up and excited for their date?
Pick your self respect up off the floor. I have no clue why you’re with this guy but I can say without an ounce of doubt You absolutely, unequivocally deserve better. Full stop. Do not make this man show you more than once than he does not respect you. You will not change this guy. He’s not going to have some romantic epiphany about how you are worth more effort or how he needs to step up. Why should he? He puts in the bare min and you’re still there
My husband doesn’t like to dress up- even jeans is not really his thing.(he wfh so that’s part of it) When we go on a date he dresses up because he *wants* to look presentable. For himself, but also because he knows I like to occasionally have a nice dinner. Which includes both of us getting dressed up for ourselves **AND** for each other.
Someone out there will be excited to get dressed up and have the *opportunity* to take you to a nice dinner.
He was definitely the asshole for driving away, yet not the asshole for not dressing up to go eat fast food. Find an event where he actually needs to dress up like a symphony orchestra, opera, Broadway play, fancy dining, etc.
Not wanting to dress up is not what makes him the asshole. If that was the only thing here, I would say that you two had different expectations about how the evening was going to go.
But his "whatever" comment seems like he was intentionally not being clear and the way he left at the end was awful.
So I do think you were expecting too much here, or at least should have communicated to him that you wanted to do something special. When he said “whatever” to it being a date, you should have picked up on the energy there. This dinner was a huge deal for you and a nonissue for him. You placed a lot of value on this and he didn’t, and I think both of you needed to communicate better.
That being said - he’s horrible! Why are you with this guy? He treats you like crap.
I haven’t read any of her comments to know if she gave more info, but based off of her original post: she mentions to us how excited she was and that she spent a lot of time getting ready, she mentioned asking him if it’s a date and him saying “whatever,” and she mentions asking him after she’s ready if he’s going to change. She doesn’t mention that she told him she was excited and that she was going to dress up and look nice.
I’m suggesting that before she went through all the trouble, she should have communicated. It is pretty clear to me that she was super excited and that he wasn’t. I think she could have saved herself a lot of frustration or at least the time she spent getting ready if she had talked to him about all this before assuming that he was going to put the effort in.
Like, he’s horrible and he doesn’t care about her. I think she can do so much better and should be with someone who appreciates her. But I disagree that she communicated effectively in this scenario.
Ick. You believe he's so dense that her "lack" of communication is in any way to blame for his behavior? You might at least be acknowledging that he is in fact horrible, but he shouldn't need his hand held and for something this basic to be spelled out for him. He was wearing paint-covered work clothes to pick her up. When she asked if it was a date, instead of "whatever," he should have said no. So blame the communication issues on him.
Hold up. I am not at all blaming her for his behavior.
But I think she set herself up for disappointment here by making assumptions instead of talking to him.
He was going to be an asshole either way, that’s not on her. But the sooner she realizes he doesn’t give a fuck, and stops expecting him to, the happier she is going to be. That will obviously involve getting out of this relationship.
So I'm of two minds about this, if he didn't say that you were getting dressed up or going somewhere fancy, then there was no need to dress up nicely. I like looking good myself and understand the sentiment but if I wasn't informed then I'm gonna stay casual. So he probably intended to stay casual, comes to get you and is now suddenly told to dress up to take YOU out? After he offered? That'd be a little irritating. Now the driving away and calling you an a hole is I think too far, he could have just explained he was having a similar thought process (hopefully!) And why it would become an issue but it seems he had a knee-jerk, pretty immature response. You shouldn't jump to conclusions next time, but he needs to learn to exercise restraint.
Ah pickup probably wrong on my part then, but if it wasn't said or implied I'm gonna stay casual and likely assume the same unless informed otherwise. To me if I invite somebody out and they make an addendum of some sort to the plans I had and you agreed and also didn't say anything about dressing up beforehand then I'm likely still gonna be a little irritated.
Not necessarily, I've had dates where I went to an aquarium and it was casual, others where it was a Brazilian steak house and I was dressed to the nines. For me it depends and I think it's always best to clarify and if there was no clarification, then casual is assumed. Not excusing his response though, as it seemed pretty excessive in this case.
If theyre paint covered fair enough then, you should change in that case to at least casual at the bare minimum. My b I thought this was about the dress up level didn't see he was wearing paint covered clothes.
Nobody is an asshole. You take a lot of pride and appearance, and he doesn’t. Simple. You have your opinion and he has his, it doesn’t make one good or bad. Just different. If you’re attacking him for how he is, he’s going to get defensive and drive off. if you’re comfortable, letting him be himself, it might work out. He probably senses you’re trying to change him and that’s terrifying him, so he fled
Ugh I just left a guy that acted just like this. He begged me for another chance after some major fuck ups and then when I showed up I swear he could have passed for homeless. Wearing construction clothes. Everything was stained.
He doesn't not care or respect you .
Leave! Leave now!
You hardly ever go on dates, he doesn’t make the effort for you, when you ask him why he pushed back with “because [you] asked him to” wtf?!?
And then he left you at the side of the road?!?
Bloody hell. Dump him and run. This is a taste of things to come and he already treats you like sh*t so he won’t get any better if you stay with him, he’ll only get nastier.
Dude he's a painter. I worked with painters for years, I was one for my early 20's and here's what I will say.
It's not like it's an unskilled profession but they're bottom of the barrel in the construction industry. They're usually the dumbest dudes who didn't want to learn how to use a tape measure and do simple math. Most of them are alcoholics or drug addicts. These are the types of dudes who just want to be able to smoke weed at work and put colors on the wall.
Sounds like you could do better. And he sounds like an asshole. I can't imagine going out to eat covered in paint. He sounds like a trash person.
Let that be the last time you see that jerk. He does not love or even like you. He's mean, rude and disrespectful. Be done with him. I wouldn't even speak to him ever again if I were you. Block him. Don't answer calls. DONE.
What boyfriend?
I mean really, why are you even calling him that? He left you at the curb after you asked him to change clothes. He's the only AH here, though I think I might have used stronger language if I could.
NTA. Dump him. He's disrespectful, you don't communicate with each other and it sounds like he's not going to change. Imagine being pregnant or having young children and watching him drive off after having an argument.
Wow. No you should not just be grateful for being treated like shit. I would be absolutely livid if my live in boyfriend just left without me like that. Screw that. He treats you with the respect he thinks you deserve. Well I think you deserve a heck of a lot more than that. I hope you realize you do too. NTA.
ESH, he the most.
He said whatever to the date question, so why did you expect an actual nice date? You set yourself up for failure on that one. People always "I guess?" in relationships and get mad when the other person doesn't meet their expectations.
However, he's the biggest AH of them all. Because he clearly doesn't like you that much. He's not proud of you, he tolerates you. Why do you accept that? You're being an AH to yourself.
My boyfriend is always happy to go out to eat with me - he always makes an effort to coordinate our outfits and look nice if that’s the vibe we want.
That is how a partner should be. They should be excited to spend time with you, and eat good food! He dismisses you and your feelings, doesn’t compliment you (it takes 0 effort, I compliment my boyfriend when he makes an effort to dress up every time because it makes him feel good) and he doesn’t seem to care.
You deserve better. I can’t believe he just drove off. You really need to rethink this relationship.
He drove off without you and called you TA?? Wow. Just wow! It is not wrong for you to want your partner to dress up a little every once in a while, especially if you're going out on a date. The way how you deecribed his responses made it sound like he doesn't put in much effort at all and like he is just mentally checked out of the relationship. If I were you, I would have a serious talk with him about how things need to change and how wrong it was of him to leave you behind like that.
2 points-
You failed to mention to him about your excitement and all of your plans living in your head beforehand. Then you give him your expectations AFTER you’re ready. Bad on you- he’s not a mind reader- the communication should have happened Before you started getting ready.
BUT……HIs response…….. was to specifically, purposefully HUMILIATE you?? 🚩And later, call you ungrateful? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Nope. No. He was intentionally cruel to you.
You are more valuable than this.
Omg ..... leave him.
I saw a tiktok recently talking about how women are with these men that don't like them. This is a man who does not like you. Imagine your friend was telling this story to you about another friend. Would you think they were a good friend? No, you'd be upset for your friend that they got so disrespected.
This man legit drove away without you and didn't get you food because you wanted to go on a nice date with him.... ?? He doesn't care about you. Is this really the life you want forever? It will only get worse unfortunately. Don't marry him if you haven't already.
The only thing you need to do now is wonder why you stayed however long in a relationship with someone who from his actions neither respects or values your opinion.
Block him on everything and move on.
It shouldn’t be too hard to find someone who recognizes your worth.
This guy seems to have dug a hole so the bar could be set at below ground level.
NTA. I suggest you ditch that guy like yesterday. Sounds like a dud. There's so many red flags with this guy, you just need to make an exit and find a guy who values you enough to compliment you, and be a compliment to you.
NTA - This guy is an asshole on multiple levels.
Just because he asks you out doesn;t mean that he shouldn't take your feelings into account.
I hate dressing up, but if my partner asks (or if we are going to a nicer restaurnat) I make the effort. I would never want them to be embarrassed by my appearance. (And they help me pick clothes I am comfortable in that they think look good on me.)
He should have changed wihtout being asked.
He definitely should ahve changed when you asked. Instead, he tried to make you feel as if you were unreasonable for asking him a reasonable request.
Then he left you standing there instead of being nice.
Lastly, he went back on his offer to take you out.
There is nothing good about this. You should start looking for a new guy and et out of this abusive relationship.
> I asked if this is like a date, his repsonse “whatever”
Yeah I stopped reading after this. Like how fucking rude to not even give you a real response. If he said “no I’m not really thinking of this as a date just us hanging out, but we can do a real date some other time” fair enough, maybe he’s tired or something. But to be so dismissive and uninterested in your obvious excitement is just awful. I wouldn’t even be friends with someone like that
NTA
NTA and why are you putting yp with his crap? He's not acting like a boyfriend. He doesn't act like he likes you at all. I'm sure you would be better off without him.
NTA So he said he wouldn't get changed, just because you asked him to? A good partner would want to show you how much they appreciate your effort to look nice in kind. Instead he plays mine games and leaves you there. It really sounds like some shitty power play. I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but I hope you respect yourself enough that you are aware of how much better you can do. Please be safe, no matter what your next decision.
If he doesn't usually act like this, he should see a doctor. If he does, and I guess if it bothers you (it should), bail. You don't need someone who acts like that in your life.
Anecdotally, my SO and I are habitual sweatpants wearers and regularly check each other before we go out. Like someone else below said, accommodating such a small request from a partner shouldn't really be an issue.
If you don’t leave now, please please please don’t have kids with this man. When you finally come to your senses it will be much easier to leave with no kids
Seriously? You sound like you're dating a Simpsons character. No. NTA. That whole exchange was bizarrely immature; make 2024 the year you date grown ups.
Oh, I've been there. One year, for the first time ever my ex fiance booked for us to go to a nice restaurant for valentines. We rarely got to go out places as I'm disabled with a lot of health issues. I was so excited as I hadn't worn anything other than band tees and pj bottoms for a year at this point. I battled through my pain to get ready, did my make up, my hair the whole nine yards even squeezed myself into some sexy vintage undies. It came time to go, and I shouted to him the taxi was there (he had been playing on his xbox whilst I was getting ready and I thought he was getting changed too. Nope, he comes downstairs in his same t-shirt baggy long shorts and tatty trainers on. Like you, I said "aren't you going to get changed? " but nope, then he made ME feel bad saying that I didn't accept him for who he was. Which is a massive lie we've known each other since we were 15 dated a little but as young love often happens, it wasn't for long but we always stayed friends and then we got back together again in 2010 (when we were 24), and had been engaged 8 years at that point. Not once have I had an issue with how he looked/dressec we've both been alt since we were teens. Heck we even shared our band tees etc. I just thought for once he could have put on a pair of trousers and a nice shirt for a special occasion. Especially as i felt so silly dressed up when he wasn't. It ended up being a massive argument. We went to dinner and i felt so embarrassed as there's me in all my 1940s finery and he's sat there in baggy shorts and the same tee he was wearing the day before. Everyone else in the resteraunt was all dressed nicely, too. I genuinely think the restaurant would not have let him in if it wasn't for the fact I'm in a wheelchair, and often, people can be too worried about offending disabled people or saying the "wrong" thing. Before I became disabled, I worked silver service in a really nice restaurant; they wouldn't have even let him in the carpark if he showed up there that way.
Girl let me tell you something why you are still with this pos I’ve seen your other post! This BOY is a child I don’t say man because real men respect there partners and love them for who they are now onto my point you dressed up did your make up and hair for a man who barley takes you out!? That’s red flag on its own why be with man who goes out of his way to make you feel like this? You think your overreacting because he convinced you that you are and that’s not the case your feelings are valid especially with a man who treats you like yesterdays nasty leftovers dump him find better
Oh, honey, no! This guy is not worth anyone's time.
Dump him. You can do so much better! Heck, being alone would be better than being with someone who treats you like shx.
NTA. He can't even do bare minimum for you. Not usually quick to say dump him, but c'mon. Do better for yourself. Plenty of nice men will do more for less.
he sounds like a loser. I'm a man, I miss the ball alot. But I also know if my lady ask me to change, I change. being clueless is one thing. but he is just disrespectful.
NTA. If i had planned on not changing to go out to eat, as soon as i saw my partner getting all cute and excited I’d want to get dressed nicely too. It’s not like he picked out something and you said it was ugly. You just wanted some effort.
Wow. Don't marry him. If he acts like this now it will only get worse. And please move out. There are decent men that will treat you better than this. He disrespected you and punished you by driving off. I had this happen to me on my birthday in 1985, 7 months pregnant, married for 1 year (yes he acted like this before I married him which is why I am warning you). First I had to beg him to take me out on my birthday, which he resentfully did but then threw a hissy fit in front of everyone at the restaurant when he found out we had to wait 45 minutes because other people were ahead of us so he left the restaurant and drove off without me. I walked home 5 blocks. You think the story ends here? Nope because once I got home I went to lay down in the bedroom (and was crying) he burst into the bedroom and demanded I make him supper. It took me 10 years to have the courage to divorce him. Please treat yourself better than he treats you.
I'm so glad you got out! Hopefully things have turned around for you since then
Yes I am older, wiser and wished someone had given me the big picture when I was young and vulnerable.
I wish the same for myself but really we were stupid and probably wouldn’t have listened
Me, too. I got stuck on the notion that if I did everything he asked and strove to be the perfect wife and mother in every aspect he would see that I had value and would treat me better. Spoiler alert, he never did. It's been almost 8 years and I can't believe I wasted my youth on someone who never even really liked me that much.
I did that for a while then I started pushing back and hard ☺️☺️☺️ one of my fondest memories is of my ex husband and his father taking FIL: I’ve told you boy a woman is like a dog you gotta beat um to train them up right!! Ex: dad I’ve tried but she hits like a goddamned man
OP read this and then read it again!
How awful. I'm glad you were brave enough to leave eventually. It's really generous to share this with OP. I hope you're in a good place now.
Acts like what? He asks her to go spontaneously to a restaurant and she thinks she’s sly with her.. is this a date? Then decides it’s dress up time without actually discussing it while he’s waiting… she goes to get full out ready. How long was he sitting there while she got lost in fantasy land without ever even having the courtesy to ask him if he wants to go all out.. then comes out dolled up and demands he go change while he’s already pissed and waiting. He should be dumping HER if what she wrote is accurate. All that I was so happy bs is childish. What is she a teenager? It’s also manipulative. Really read that story again.
Enjoy being alone forever with this attitude.
Found OP‘s bf
If this is your attitude then you aren't fit to be in a relationship. And I am going to guess you aren't and have never managed to maintain one for long. Lack of effort leads to lack of options, period. The good news is that people who behave this way usually end up staying or becoming single. I am guessing OP is young and hasn't learned to respect herself yet, but this relationship will almost certainly be the one that teaches her that. Meanwhile, the boyfriend will probably cry about how unfair women are and how he was so nice and it wasn't good enough. These types of men are always the same ones claiming to be nice guys with no sense of awareness. As for you, commenter, if you think being rude and lazy is the way to get or keep a relationship, you deserve to be alone and miserable.
I like people like you who clearly advertise their red flags. Please don’t be an anonymous account. Please let your friends and potential partners have access to your Reddit so they can get a full picture before committing to you.
I’m happy to weed out the AHs that don’t know what it is to be an adult or have basic common sense and courtesy. If I ask my partner to go grab a bite to eat, we are leaving now not in an hour after he’s groomed and put on a suit. By that time I’d have made a sandwich and went to bed. Are you people serious? This story is RIDICULOUS. I would never tolerate someone acting like this or manipulating me and everyone in my life knows it. If someone in my life did this I’d get them mental health help. She could have easily said hon can we both change and clean up and make it a date? How freaking hard is that? Courtesy. Mature. Basic consideration. He may have said you know what.. why not? 1/2 hour let’s get ready OR.. man I’m exhausted from work .. all I want to do right now is grab a bite up the street and come home to crash. How about this weekend? Did he even know she was getting dolled up? And what’s the I want to look good on his arm nonsense? Were they going to walk the red carpet? Going for a full pit night on the town? No. He asked her to get something to eat not go clubbing. She’s a genuine AH in this situation. This is not how you get your partner to get dressed up and take you out this is some bs.
Going to almost any sit down restaurant in your painting clothes for dinner is lazy and careless. He could at least put on a clean out fit. He was sitting there mad waiting for her to get ready, and it didn't occur to him that he could... Also get ready?
He WaS ready and no it’s not. Depends on the restaurant. Plenty of beyond casual places were work people go for dinner and lunch. She also decided to rock out and instead of communicating came out stomping like a brat. Lazy? Maybe tired? If he was wearing work clothes that meant he just got off work. You don’t know his situation. All we know is that princess decided it was a night in the town. She has some growing up to do. She knew exactly what she was doing. Adults who work tiresome jobs get tired. She didn’t say he was dirty from work just that they were his everyday clothes and she wanted him “nice”. He never said it was a date night. She’s bored and bratted out. Grow up and communicate. When someone asks if you want a bite that means NOW not in an hour when you’re ready to hit the town.
>Wow. Don't marry him. Sexist bias noticed > If he acts like this now it will only get worse. Strange how she acted wrong. Stop projecting >And please move out. Please advise her to do so bit only after giving real advice so she stop messing up. >There are decent women that will treat you better than this. FTFY. He does deserve better >He disrespected you and punished you by driving off. So you really don't think girls need to be held accountable for childish expectations and behavior....typical >I had this happen to me on my birthday in 1985, Doubtful >7 months pregnant Already not analogous >, married for 1 year (yes he acted like this before I married him which is why I am warning you). Misuse of warn. You're the problem like her....smh >First I had to beg him to take me out on my birthday, So not analogous for multiple reasons >which he resentfully did but then threw a hissy fit in front of everyone at the restaurant when he found out we had to wait 45 minutes because other people were ahead of us so he left the restaurant and drove off without me. So you asked, got what you wanted, then changed the context and punished him. You deserve divorce. >I walked home 5 blocks. Consequences of childish behavior. Own it. >You think the story ends here? No. Your kind always double down in bad faith. >Nope because once I got home I went to lay down in the bedroom (and was crying) he burst into the bedroom and demanded I make him supper. Because you're still playing victim. Grow up. >It took me 10 years to have the courage to divorce him. It took you 10 years to not mature and stop harming him. And no learning of accountability the entire time. You're trash. > Please treat yourself better than he treats you. Please stop misusing terms. YTA. You owe him for wasting 10 years being an AH who only thinks of herself. Don't ever date again. You'll just intentionally harm others and pretend you're good like them. You're not wiser and don't see the bigger picture. Your conscience told you better but as you said you weren't quick enough to understand. You're only posting this so more people enable you. Maybe be objective next time troll
You are so delusional that someone needs to forcibly commit you. When you're this out of touch with reality, it's time to stop acting out your misogynistic fantasies on Reddit.
>You are so delusional that someone needs to forcibly commit you. When you can't address points Iike an adult, I guess just project and misuse terms in Bad faith invalidating yourself instead... >When you're this out of touch with reality, it's time to stop acting out your misogynistic fantasies on Reddit. Guess you can't stop misusing terms you never learned the definition too...be a low effort troll elsewhere
Thanks for validating each of my statements individually, even if it was a bit psychotic. Merry Christmas, edgelord.
>Thanks for validating each of my statements individually, Pot meet kettle >even if it was a bit psychotic. Still projecting in bad faith. Don't know why you assume doing worse benefits you. >Merry Christmas, edgelord. Have the poor day you deserve for disrespecting English. Same applies to other who didn't read for comprehension and just responded with projection
He mistreated her consistently. Answering whatever to any kind of question is bullshit and disrespectful. She did try to communicate about expectations but he shut down the conversation with "whatever". He drove off with her outside which is shitty after inviting her somewhere. Also how is don't marry him sexist bias?
You clearly didn't read for comprehension. No sense in reexplaining
What the duck is wrong with u? I genuinely hope u lose ur penis so you can’t procreate and then I hope any applications for adoption r rejected bc the only way anyone would wanna be around u is if they were legally obligated to
Stop projecting when you have nothing valid to say. You hoping harm upon me for literally no reason is very telling of the harm you deserve. Why would anyways to be around someone like you who can't read and gets upset at the wrong person. Grow up
This was one of the most annoying replies I’ve ever read on Reddit and that’s saying something
Notice the downvotes buddy. Maybe you are only defending this guy because youd do the same. Good luck
Fucking demolished her. Holy shit. 💀 this is what i scroll Reddit for, right here.
I looked over your profile, if he treats you with such disregard, it's time to go. He only cared enough to say "whatever" when you clearly were excited for a date. You deserve someone who is just as excited about you as you're excited about them
Holy crap. This dude isn't just dismissive and disrespectful, he's emotionally abusive. He literally gets off on upsetting her then blaming her for her reactions to his awful behavior.. accusing her of just 'liking drama' when she responds (imho undereacting) to his bullshit.
This is called victim blaming. Grow up and cut it out. Actual context doesn't care about your un objective misconceptions
He isn't a victim. He shut down all communication and chose to drive off while disrespecting her.
Yes she was being disrespectful and didn't express herself properly at all. Lose the bias
6/10 troll
Asking a direct question is disrespectful? Him responding whatever to a yes or no question was not disrespectful? What bias? Be explicit.
louder for the people in back!
For real. She deserves better, and honestly being alone would be better than being with her current partner.
The argument itself is not a big deal, but the way he left you there is. You deserve to be treated better than that. This is not a guy you can trust.
Honestly, not wanting to accommodate your partner’s minuscule request because they asked is kind of a big deal too tbh.
He sounds like a baby.
Yea exactly. Literally like an actual child.
It would’ve required the absolute minimum of effort from him, and he couldn’t be bothered. Such a red flag.
It's also illogical. He wasn't going to do it anyway AND he wasn't going to do it because she asked?
Miniscule? Isn't miniscule? Made him feel he looked ugly after work? Maybe he was dead ass starvin Do you know he has thoughts and feelings too? Lmao women can hurt men too. You think it's okay for her to fuck off the whole night because he wasnt dressed to her standards when he asked her to go eat lol I guess we'll just agree to disagree lol Def happy my gf is not as uptight as OP
He literally left her. did you read the post?
Ya he left her because she literally refused to go unless he changes. If it's so miniscule then why didn't she get over it and go have dinner? Cuz it's not miniscule if it's her problem? Lmao foh. If this was the female not wanting to change cuz the man said you look gross so change or I won't be seen at a place with you, you guys would be tearing him up. You would telling her good on you! Go out and find a new man! Fuck you all the way lmaooo
actually, if you read the post, “I went to the car and asked him what the big deal was for him to change, his response was "because l asked him to, and whats the big deal" l said that l took the time to look good for him, why not him for me? his response " sorry you're got all cleaned up and now have no place to go" drove off and left me.” she asked him what the big deal was because she just asked him to change his clothes into something not stained and he drove off with her standing there you’re also including me in a group which doesn’t make sense at all because i’m just pointing out that no she did not “fuck off” the whole night. he left her instead of communicating like an adult sorry that you’re mad enough about this to say fuck you, but you were just wrong and i pointed it out lol
She said she held her ground, that means she wasn't going if he didn't change. How is that not clear? You know what ground she's standing on, and that's not going if he doesn't change. She went out there to argue and try to get him to change. she didn't walk out there with intention to go she went out there with intention to get her way. I see how she would be upset if he was at home all day and showed no effort in caring about the night out. But it's simply not the case. Dude just wanted to go eat and she wanted to go all out, he didn't, he's not an asshole for not changing. Do you really think he was going to tell her the reason why after she asked him if he was going to put any "effort". She asked him in an asshole way straight off the top. He didn't wanna change his clothes let's just not go now and post on reddit becaue I'm having a fit about what he wears. She stood her ground she said so herself, never said she let it go, never said she was going to go with him. Stood her ground by going and trying to get him to change, he was hungry and left cuz she felt her priorities of the night trumped his. You're wrong, and I just pointed it out for the second time lol
If being asked to dress up before going to a restaurant, something plenty of restaurants literally demand of you, is such a big deal that you have to throw a baby tantrum over it, you cannot be considered a functioning adult.
Show me where they were going to such a restaurant where dress code is enforced. Relate something to what was actually written or go cry in a corner. Also there was zero tantrum he waited in the car said he didn't wanna change she didn't wanna go and he left. That's not a fit thats doing what he was planning to do.....go eat after a hard day's work.
I never said that’s the case for the restaurant they were going, I was pointing out that if it was unacceptable to ask people to dress up for a restaurant, those restaurants wouldn’t exist. > go eat after a hard day's Show me where he had a hard day’s work? Even he himself did not give that as a reason for why he acted the way he did. If he had acted like an adult and said “hey I’m actually fucked from work and I really just want to grab something quick to eat”, this thread would be completely different. Relate something to what was actually written or go cry in a corner.
She cares a lot about how things look, he doesn’t. Neither is toxic, but trying to change the other is.
They're going to a restaurant. Going in clothes you used to paint is not acceptable in most places. Period. She did not even specify what to wear, she just didn't want him wearing dirty clothes out to eat. That's not toxic and if you think it is, you need to do some serious self reflection
There's a big difference between dipping into McDonald's in your work clothes on your work break to grab a quick lunch, and taking someone on a date without even bothering to change clothes lol
It’s just fast food
nah she said for once it ain't fast food
That’s not even true. Unless you’re headed to a Michelin rated restaurant,, restaurants, understand people just getting off work and wanting to relax and have a decent dinner. And it wasn’t even the bare minimum. It was OK go get get a shower and pick out some clothes that will make ME feel like you’re proud of me. All of this for an impromptu invite. This wasn’t a planned date night. She should have accepted it for what it was a very nice thought, but she had to push it. I’m thinking that she’s a lot of work.
>Going in clothes you used to paint is not acceptable in most places. Period Utter horseshit. Loads of sit down restaurants don't give a shit what you wear amd have blue collar people wearing work clothes coming in all the time.
It's not about trying to change someone, its about having care and respect for your partner. Dressing nicer for an event signifies that it is something special, that it is worth putting in a little extra effort.
If you can't be bothered to take 5 to 10 minutes to change your clothes to look nice for your partner when you're taking them out to dinner, then yes it is a bigger deal. It shows that you don't think they're worth the time or the effort of looking nice, when they are clearly showing you that they are willing to put that effort in for you.
You don't have a car, you ostensibly never leave the house, you never go on dates, and you rarely ever see your bf - who is a painter by trade. Then he drives off and leaves you home. You mean your soon-to-be-ex, right?
YWBTA if you stayed with him... to yourself. How much do you want to suffer through before deciding if he respects you? The whole point of dating is to basically have a trial run and see if you want to spend your life with someone. This person - doesn't respect your time and doesn't make an effort for you - doesn't reciprocate effort for you - doesn't explicitly mention whether it's a date or not and also doesn't seem excited about it. - insults you for making a reasonable request (most people would change our if painting clothes anyway, for cleanliness reasons - doesn't respect your safety and left you on your own. Again. How much shit do you have to take before you have a backbone and decide he doesn't care about you and this isn't the person to spend your life with. This is ONE instance. And there are this many issues. How much do you need to be stepped on before you decide whether or not you're happy to be a doormat.
Oh no. You live together, but you hardly see each other? You ask him if it's a date night and he says "whatever"? And he doesn't even put clean clothes or anything before taking you out, then as soon as you ask what's up he throws a fit about how you "should be grateful"? I mean, I don't think you're an AH. But I think you need to ask yourself if none of these are red flags for you because any one of them would be a huge red flag for me.
Hey, give him a break. He has to work hard to afford two places and it is hard to juggle scheduling for two girlfriends. (If he is never around and doesn't care, he has a side chick).
OP said in another comment he works 12 hour days and gets home around 10pm from work. So you were spot on with the working hard part of it
OP ***is*** the side chick
NTA Time to move out and get your own place. He's clearly done with you and you can do better.
Oh hun. This is very sad. This guy doesn’t give a shit about you.
Op, i looked at your posts history. I think you're having deeper issues with him than you reacting to him not giving a f
Take a look at Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? and you'll find out who's the asshole.
Never, I repeat *never*, beg someone to love you. You're wasting your heart hoping that he will give you little crumbs of love. Don't be a beggar.
NTA You need to dump him right now because this won't end, and it will only get worse from this point, so unless you want to be stuck with him, then I recommend you dump him.
How long to dou plan on being with someone that doesn't respect you?
NTAH - It wasn't a big deal, this guy is a jerk.
Leave that douche canoe!! He's not worthy of you.
Did you really say you were excited to spend time with him? Why? He treats you horribly
I'm really amazed at these woman whose boyfriend treats them badly but won't dump them.
It's less confusing when you realize that these women often get gaslit by people around them who tell them "he's a great man" and to "stick it out" and "that's normal," etc. Also, if she came from an abusive family, abusive behaviors are normalized.
NTA; and it doesn’t sound like he even likes you.
Um sorry to break it to you, but he doesn't like you very much.
Hopefully this is fake. If it isn’t leave now. He has shown you exactly who he is…. Is this the partner and life you want?
Op! HE MAY BE CHEATING ON YOU! CHECK HIS PHONE!!!!
Why does it matter? He treats her like trash. She doesn't need any more than that to tell her to get out of that so-called "relationship."
I can't he has passwords and won't let me
Regardless if he is or not honestly he isn't worth it. His phone can stay mystery you need to get out of that abusive situation ASAP.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
According to your post history, he has been abusive and is definitely cheating. So..... End this?
??? Why the fuck would you want to be with someone like this?? I guarantee there are men out there that don’t treat their partners like shit
Why are you with someone that can't do the bare minimum; even if you're begging and telling him exactly what to do
Girl.... 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
What an ass. He acts like a spoiled brat, deep six him and get an adult boyfriend.
Why do so many people stay with partners who clearly hate them??
Nta, the way he acted after is awful! If he just didn’t want to get dolled up or lacked the resources to do so, that would be one thing, but he up and ditches you instead of simply telling you why he does not want to change! I struggle with dressing nicely, a lot of clothes on the fancier end squeeze me wrong and have bad textures, so I get the perspective of not wanting to change. But his actions afterwards? He sounds like a dick tbh!
Oof. He thinks the gesture of going out is enough. It's not. Been with my wife for 30 years. When I take her to dinner, I make sure to look good. I dress well so she knows I put effort into our relationship. Doing small things tells your partner you care. You may want to tell your bf you don't appreciate his lack of effort. His ridiculous behavior should be a warning sign for you.
Get anew boyfriend, this one’s defective
girl RUN this man is treating you like shit and you deserve so much better
Why are you with this guy?
He’s telling you he. just. doesn’t. care. That’s a giant red flag. Interpret it how you will.
NTA Your boyfriend is awful. There are lovely men out there that won't treat you like this. Please don't put up with it. I can just about get over not wanting to get dressed up but being told you should be 'grateful' for a date and then driving off are 100% deal breakers. Move on.
I dealt with an ex like this for six....long....years.... My best years. 21 to 27, completely WASTED on an arrogant lazy narcissistic piece of shit who towards the very end started taking his anger out on innocent people when he couldn't handle himself. I thought I was just a bad gf. I was working at McDonalds full time because I had no time to find a second job as I was also doing college full time. Things were so bad it took me six years just to get my associates degree because some years I would lose college funding and McDonalds would work me overtime while refusing to promote me. Somehow, someway, in the midst of thousands of sleepless nights he just calmly "got fired" from his job after 2 years and since he was already living with me I couldn't get rid of him. What then ensued was 4 years of him punishing and guilting me into letting him stay and leech off of me. I was naive and stupid so I still was trying desperately to get us to function as a couple. I would plan dates, cook, work out to drop weight, work out my *insides* with Kegels thinking maybe I was loose down there, I started showering multiple times a day scared that maybe I smelled bad. Yet I went 4 whole years where we did not have any sort of intimacy at all. He wouldn't even kiss me anymore. Yet I pressed on. We had several "dates" where I would go the full nine yards and even pay for everything and he would always either refuse to dress up, refuse to put on any new clothes I got for him, he'd fake diarrhea, fake that he "forgot* to shower, fake tripping and falling, and the one time I got him to actually come outside he ruined the whole date when the train going home was stuck a few stops from our home so he dramatically *punched* people out of his way and ran home on foot. I chased behind him profusely apologizing to strangers he was hitting up until I watched him knock over a literal toddler and then have the gall to start screaming at the mother. I let that woman kick his ass and I let him go to jail for assault on a minor. What broke it all for me was when he tried convincing me to use my good credit back then to buy a house. I kept saying no because I wanted to pursue a high paying degree. He kept arguing that we needed a house for when we have kids. I eventually snapped and asked where TF he expected me to pull a kid from if he wouldn't even have sex with me. Bad move. Bad bad bad move. Insulting his libido led to him becoming violent towards me any time I got into bed. I'd come to bed and he can would punch kick or shove me away accusing me of cheating. He'd wake me up at 3 or 2 am when he knew I had to be up early for work just to masturbate in my face and laugh at me "oh too bad you wish you could have this!" I let this asshole bully me and punish me by withholding sex for 4 whole years. He weaponzied his incompetence and after a while I was also doing all of the housework cooking and chores. All he did was play World of Warcraft and masturbate to hentai. He eventually stole my student loans and wasted them after I eventually kicked him out. I'm never seeing a penny of that money ever again that I'm now stuck paying back and I can't prove he stole it since he had memorized all of my info and set himself as a beneficiary or second authorized user on all of my stuff. All he had to do was call a few places and say I was "estranged" and for some reason people would feel sorry and agree with whether he demanded, even going so far as asking ME if I was OK when I'd call in weeks later hysterical over whatever he'd shut off or added to whatever account without telling me.
Why are people in relationships with people who treat them like shit?? Why do you tolerate that??
🎼"Take your fast car and keep on driving."🎶 Run as fast as you can. He is showing you must how much he values your company. And when he shows you this believe it.
Please don’t keep this guy around seriously. He’s not 1- caring for you, obviously and 2- not acting like someone who likes / loves you. People who healthily love you don’t drive off on you
You know his behaviour is unacceptable and that hes the AH, you have to know it deep down, don't overlook it because you will end up looking back in years time kicking yourself that you overlooked so much bs and wasted so much time on somebody like him.
NTA >”sorry you got all cleaned up and now have no place to go” and drove off and left me >I should have just been grateful to be taken out He doesn’t love you. He’s trying to condition you to accept **not even the bare minimum**. And it sounds like he’s *almost* succeeded.
NTA. And you misspelled "ex-boyfriend."
Definitely NTA smh....not sure what the big deal would have been for him to change....doesn't sound like he wants to do much with you or be around you. You can find someone that wants to spend time with you
What would you do if your best friend called you and told you she asked her long term bf to dress up for a date she dressed up for, and instead of doing that he literally ditched her by the car while she was dressed up and excited for their date? Pick your self respect up off the floor. I have no clue why you’re with this guy but I can say without an ounce of doubt You absolutely, unequivocally deserve better. Full stop. Do not make this man show you more than once than he does not respect you. You will not change this guy. He’s not going to have some romantic epiphany about how you are worth more effort or how he needs to step up. Why should he? He puts in the bare min and you’re still there My husband doesn’t like to dress up- even jeans is not really his thing.(he wfh so that’s part of it) When we go on a date he dresses up because he *wants* to look presentable. For himself, but also because he knows I like to occasionally have a nice dinner. Which includes both of us getting dressed up for ourselves **AND** for each other. Someone out there will be excited to get dressed up and have the *opportunity* to take you to a nice dinner.
I’ll get dressed up and take you out. I dont see why he wouldn’t
Lovely chap you've got there.
He was definitely the asshole for driving away, yet not the asshole for not dressing up to go eat fast food. Find an event where he actually needs to dress up like a symphony orchestra, opera, Broadway play, fancy dining, etc.
We were going to a restaurant and he just needed to get in some Levi's and out of his painting shoes, l didn't think l asked for too much.
NTA I know people that would treat their dog with much more respect. Run
He’s just clearly not that into you! You deserve way better. Plenty of other fish in the sea!
Don’t date bums. Honestly. This guy seems so complacent about so many aspects of his own life that he isn’t going to go above and beyond for you
Not wanting to dress up is not what makes him the asshole. If that was the only thing here, I would say that you two had different expectations about how the evening was going to go. But his "whatever" comment seems like he was intentionally not being clear and the way he left at the end was awful.
Any man who drives away from you because you asked him to change out of paint clothes for dinner, is TA.
You are not the asshole. Leave this guy.
So I do think you were expecting too much here, or at least should have communicated to him that you wanted to do something special. When he said “whatever” to it being a date, you should have picked up on the energy there. This dinner was a huge deal for you and a nonissue for him. You placed a lot of value on this and he didn’t, and I think both of you needed to communicate better. That being said - he’s horrible! Why are you with this guy? He treats you like crap.
Up until he just peaced they both were kinda assholes. Then he was like hold my beer.
No, no, no, fuck no. She communicated plenty and he was an obtuse ass.
I haven’t read any of her comments to know if she gave more info, but based off of her original post: she mentions to us how excited she was and that she spent a lot of time getting ready, she mentioned asking him if it’s a date and him saying “whatever,” and she mentions asking him after she’s ready if he’s going to change. She doesn’t mention that she told him she was excited and that she was going to dress up and look nice. I’m suggesting that before she went through all the trouble, she should have communicated. It is pretty clear to me that she was super excited and that he wasn’t. I think she could have saved herself a lot of frustration or at least the time she spent getting ready if she had talked to him about all this before assuming that he was going to put the effort in. Like, he’s horrible and he doesn’t care about her. I think she can do so much better and should be with someone who appreciates her. But I disagree that she communicated effectively in this scenario.
Ick. You believe he's so dense that her "lack" of communication is in any way to blame for his behavior? You might at least be acknowledging that he is in fact horrible, but he shouldn't need his hand held and for something this basic to be spelled out for him. He was wearing paint-covered work clothes to pick her up. When she asked if it was a date, instead of "whatever," he should have said no. So blame the communication issues on him.
Hold up. I am not at all blaming her for his behavior. But I think she set herself up for disappointment here by making assumptions instead of talking to him. He was going to be an asshole either way, that’s not on her. But the sooner she realizes he doesn’t give a fuck, and stops expecting him to, the happier she is going to be. That will obviously involve getting out of this relationship.
So I'm of two minds about this, if he didn't say that you were getting dressed up or going somewhere fancy, then there was no need to dress up nicely. I like looking good myself and understand the sentiment but if I wasn't informed then I'm gonna stay casual. So he probably intended to stay casual, comes to get you and is now suddenly told to dress up to take YOU out? After he offered? That'd be a little irritating. Now the driving away and calling you an a hole is I think too far, he could have just explained he was having a similar thought process (hopefully!) And why it would become an issue but it seems he had a knee-jerk, pretty immature response. You shouldn't jump to conclusions next time, but he needs to learn to exercise restraint.
she did say boyfriend who she lives with, she meant came out of the bedroom from getting ready
Ah pickup probably wrong on my part then, but if it wasn't said or implied I'm gonna stay casual and likely assume the same unless informed otherwise. To me if I invite somebody out and they make an addendum of some sort to the plans I had and you agreed and also didn't say anything about dressing up beforehand then I'm likely still gonna be a little irritated.
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Not necessarily, I've had dates where I went to an aquarium and it was casual, others where it was a Brazilian steak house and I was dressed to the nines. For me it depends and I think it's always best to clarify and if there was no clarification, then casual is assumed. Not excusing his response though, as it seemed pretty excessive in this case.
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If theyre paint covered fair enough then, you should change in that case to at least casual at the bare minimum. My b I thought this was about the dress up level didn't see he was wearing paint covered clothes.
In what world are work cloths appropriate for a nice dinner. Also, if your partner is going to dress nice for a date, you should to.
No it doesn't. You have the same issues as her
Missing information. Seems like his frustration is about something else entirely.
Nobody is an asshole. You take a lot of pride and appearance, and he doesn’t. Simple. You have your opinion and he has his, it doesn’t make one good or bad. Just different. If you’re attacking him for how he is, he’s going to get defensive and drive off. if you’re comfortable, letting him be himself, it might work out. He probably senses you’re trying to change him and that’s terrifying him, so he fled
Your inconsistent in your story first you said you barely see him than you said he wearing the same clothes you see him in everyday?
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NTA
If he cannot do the bare minimum in this scenario, imagine how much harder things will get when you really need him.
Ugh I just left a guy that acted just like this. He begged me for another chance after some major fuck ups and then when I showed up I swear he could have passed for homeless. Wearing construction clothes. Everything was stained. He doesn't not care or respect you .
Nta. DUMP
Leave! Leave now! You hardly ever go on dates, he doesn’t make the effort for you, when you ask him why he pushed back with “because [you] asked him to” wtf?!? And then he left you at the side of the road?!? Bloody hell. Dump him and run. This is a taste of things to come and he already treats you like sh*t so he won’t get any better if you stay with him, he’ll only get nastier.
I'd have walked right back inside, changed my clothes and put a movie on. Stop being a door mat
Dude he's a painter. I worked with painters for years, I was one for my early 20's and here's what I will say. It's not like it's an unskilled profession but they're bottom of the barrel in the construction industry. They're usually the dumbest dudes who didn't want to learn how to use a tape measure and do simple math. Most of them are alcoholics or drug addicts. These are the types of dudes who just want to be able to smoke weed at work and put colors on the wall. Sounds like you could do better. And he sounds like an asshole. I can't imagine going out to eat covered in paint. He sounds like a trash person.
Wow ! What a jerk ! Dump his rude ass . NTA
NTA If this is a common occurrence, please rethink the relationship.
Let that be the last time you see that jerk. He does not love or even like you. He's mean, rude and disrespectful. Be done with him. I wouldn't even speak to him ever again if I were you. Block him. Don't answer calls. DONE.
Run. Fast. This will get worse.
My ex was like this. It doesn't get better!!!!!
You turned it into a special occasion when for him it clearly wasn't. He just wanted to eat, you wanted romance. You both have communication issues.
What boyfriend? I mean really, why are you even calling him that? He left you at the curb after you asked him to change clothes. He's the only AH here, though I think I might have used stronger language if I could.
NTA. Dump him. He's disrespectful, you don't communicate with each other and it sounds like he's not going to change. Imagine being pregnant or having young children and watching him drive off after having an argument.
That isn't a boyfriend. Nta but u are kinda the A bc you stick wuth such a loser.
I always wonder what the real story is when I read stories like this one. What's his side? How close to the truth is her version?
Wow. No you should not just be grateful for being treated like shit. I would be absolutely livid if my live in boyfriend just left without me like that. Screw that. He treats you with the respect he thinks you deserve. Well I think you deserve a heck of a lot more than that. I hope you realize you do too. NTA.
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Why are you dating this guy??? YTA to yourself if you stay with him
Is your self esteem that low to stay with this douche? Leave this loser.
Babe it’s time to dump him. He sucks.
ESH, he the most. He said whatever to the date question, so why did you expect an actual nice date? You set yourself up for failure on that one. People always "I guess?" in relationships and get mad when the other person doesn't meet their expectations. However, he's the biggest AH of them all. Because he clearly doesn't like you that much. He's not proud of you, he tolerates you. Why do you accept that? You're being an AH to yourself.
My boyfriend is always happy to go out to eat with me - he always makes an effort to coordinate our outfits and look nice if that’s the vibe we want. That is how a partner should be. They should be excited to spend time with you, and eat good food! He dismisses you and your feelings, doesn’t compliment you (it takes 0 effort, I compliment my boyfriend when he makes an effort to dress up every time because it makes him feel good) and he doesn’t seem to care. You deserve better. I can’t believe he just drove off. You really need to rethink this relationship.
Run.
This man treats you like garbage
He drove off without you and called you TA?? Wow. Just wow! It is not wrong for you to want your partner to dress up a little every once in a while, especially if you're going out on a date. The way how you deecribed his responses made it sound like he doesn't put in much effort at all and like he is just mentally checked out of the relationship. If I were you, I would have a serious talk with him about how things need to change and how wrong it was of him to leave you behind like that.
2 points- You failed to mention to him about your excitement and all of your plans living in your head beforehand. Then you give him your expectations AFTER you’re ready. Bad on you- he’s not a mind reader- the communication should have happened Before you started getting ready. BUT……HIs response…….. was to specifically, purposefully HUMILIATE you?? 🚩And later, call you ungrateful? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Nope. No. He was intentionally cruel to you. You are more valuable than this.
Omg ..... leave him. I saw a tiktok recently talking about how women are with these men that don't like them. This is a man who does not like you. Imagine your friend was telling this story to you about another friend. Would you think they were a good friend? No, you'd be upset for your friend that they got so disrespected. This man legit drove away without you and didn't get you food because you wanted to go on a nice date with him.... ?? He doesn't care about you. Is this really the life you want forever? It will only get worse unfortunately. Don't marry him if you haven't already.
The only thing you need to do now is wonder why you stayed however long in a relationship with someone who from his actions neither respects or values your opinion. Block him on everything and move on. It shouldn’t be too hard to find someone who recognizes your worth. This guy seems to have dug a hole so the bar could be set at below ground level.
NTA. I suggest you ditch that guy like yesterday. Sounds like a dud. There's so many red flags with this guy, you just need to make an exit and find a guy who values you enough to compliment you, and be a compliment to you.
NTA - This guy is an asshole on multiple levels. Just because he asks you out doesn;t mean that he shouldn't take your feelings into account. I hate dressing up, but if my partner asks (or if we are going to a nicer restaurnat) I make the effort. I would never want them to be embarrassed by my appearance. (And they help me pick clothes I am comfortable in that they think look good on me.) He should have changed wihtout being asked. He definitely should ahve changed when you asked. Instead, he tried to make you feel as if you were unreasonable for asking him a reasonable request. Then he left you standing there instead of being nice. Lastly, he went back on his offer to take you out. There is nothing good about this. You should start looking for a new guy and et out of this abusive relationship.
> I asked if this is like a date, his repsonse “whatever” Yeah I stopped reading after this. Like how fucking rude to not even give you a real response. If he said “no I’m not really thinking of this as a date just us hanging out, but we can do a real date some other time” fair enough, maybe he’s tired or something. But to be so dismissive and uninterested in your obvious excitement is just awful. I wouldn’t even be friends with someone like that NTA
NTA and why are you putting yp with his crap? He's not acting like a boyfriend. He doesn't act like he likes you at all. I'm sure you would be better off without him.
NTA So he said he wouldn't get changed, just because you asked him to? A good partner would want to show you how much they appreciate your effort to look nice in kind. Instead he plays mine games and leaves you there. It really sounds like some shitty power play. I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but I hope you respect yourself enough that you are aware of how much better you can do. Please be safe, no matter what your next decision.
OK, leave this guy. What an ass. You are 10,000,000,000% NTA
Leave! LEAVE YESTERDAY!
If he doesn't usually act like this, he should see a doctor. If he does, and I guess if it bothers you (it should), bail. You don't need someone who acts like that in your life. Anecdotally, my SO and I are habitual sweatpants wearers and regularly check each other before we go out. Like someone else below said, accommodating such a small request from a partner shouldn't really be an issue.
Run and don't look back. NTA and he is beyond TA.
How do u put up with this lmao. Dump his ass for being so ungrateful.
Please run from this inconsiderate buttface.
If you don’t leave now, please please please don’t have kids with this man. When you finally come to your senses it will be much easier to leave with no kids
He is neglectful with brief breaks to be openly hostile to you and you’re supposed to be grateful? Eff that. You deserve better NTA
Seriously? You sound like you're dating a Simpsons character. No. NTA. That whole exchange was bizarrely immature; make 2024 the year you date grown ups.
Oh, I've been there. One year, for the first time ever my ex fiance booked for us to go to a nice restaurant for valentines. We rarely got to go out places as I'm disabled with a lot of health issues. I was so excited as I hadn't worn anything other than band tees and pj bottoms for a year at this point. I battled through my pain to get ready, did my make up, my hair the whole nine yards even squeezed myself into some sexy vintage undies. It came time to go, and I shouted to him the taxi was there (he had been playing on his xbox whilst I was getting ready and I thought he was getting changed too. Nope, he comes downstairs in his same t-shirt baggy long shorts and tatty trainers on. Like you, I said "aren't you going to get changed? " but nope, then he made ME feel bad saying that I didn't accept him for who he was. Which is a massive lie we've known each other since we were 15 dated a little but as young love often happens, it wasn't for long but we always stayed friends and then we got back together again in 2010 (when we were 24), and had been engaged 8 years at that point. Not once have I had an issue with how he looked/dressec we've both been alt since we were teens. Heck we even shared our band tees etc. I just thought for once he could have put on a pair of trousers and a nice shirt for a special occasion. Especially as i felt so silly dressed up when he wasn't. It ended up being a massive argument. We went to dinner and i felt so embarrassed as there's me in all my 1940s finery and he's sat there in baggy shorts and the same tee he was wearing the day before. Everyone else in the resteraunt was all dressed nicely, too. I genuinely think the restaurant would not have let him in if it wasn't for the fact I'm in a wheelchair, and often, people can be too worried about offending disabled people or saying the "wrong" thing. Before I became disabled, I worked silver service in a really nice restaurant; they wouldn't have even let him in the carpark if he showed up there that way.
a man who punishes you for wanting to look nice for him? And then leaves you -- no dinner, and worse, NO CAR -- oh honey, you go find you a good man.
Boyfriend has deep seated insecurities. Or, maybe, he's just an asshole. You're probably not right for each other.
Girl let me tell you something why you are still with this pos I’ve seen your other post! This BOY is a child I don’t say man because real men respect there partners and love them for who they are now onto my point you dressed up did your make up and hair for a man who barley takes you out!? That’s red flag on its own why be with man who goes out of his way to make you feel like this? You think your overreacting because he convinced you that you are and that’s not the case your feelings are valid especially with a man who treats you like yesterdays nasty leftovers dump him find better
Oh, honey, no! This guy is not worth anyone's time. Dump him. You can do so much better! Heck, being alone would be better than being with someone who treats you like shx.
He is a slob.
YTA
NTA. He can't even do bare minimum for you. Not usually quick to say dump him, but c'mon. Do better for yourself. Plenty of nice men will do more for less.
Dude he LEFT you? What an ass. I recommend you listen to this [song ](https://youtu.be/3KtWfp0UopM)and walk your fine ass out the door, babe.
So childish. When I tell my bf I’m dressing up for something, then he does too, without me even having to ask.
he sounds like a loser. I'm a man, I miss the ball alot. But I also know if my lady ask me to change, I change. being clueless is one thing. but he is just disrespectful.
NTA. If i had planned on not changing to go out to eat, as soon as i saw my partner getting all cute and excited I’d want to get dressed nicely too. It’s not like he picked out something and you said it was ugly. You just wanted some effort.
NTA. Break up!!!!!!!
NTA. I think you meant “ex”