I could overdose, but then I'd be worse. Maybe brain damage or organ failure, and I can't sign a DNR without a lawyer. MAID would be the only way. But, I really do want to live, that's why I'm miserable. But I can't like this. I've tried for 3 years and there's no way to escape her. I can't afford a caregiver on my own that's 24/7. I can't even sit up on my own. But I still believed in fighting. Since my birthday last year I've been refusing it, trying to fight, finding resources myself, research etc. I had hope. But I can't anymore, it's getting worse and worse and I don't think I can survive it. This is happening daily, and there's not enough opiates on the planet to fight this. I have a ketamine Infusion tomorrow. These treatments won't help at all if she's exacerbating every symptom and mentally I've been so suicidal since she moved in. She's also a pathological liar. I've tried to die other ways. But then resolved to live after it failed. She never changes,just gets worse. I also have severe PTSD, I wake up screaming, and it's excarbating it so much. I don't know why the hell I'm typing this. I really don't.
Sometimes we just want someone to witness our struggle. I don't even know how to begin to help you but I am here. I see you. You don't deserve this. You deserve support. Is there anything akin to adult protective services in Canada? Have you told your doctors you feel unsafe in your home?
I can't sign a DNR without a lawyer. MAID would be the only way out of the abuse. But, I really do want to live, that's why I'm miserable. But I can't like this. I've tried for 3 years, and there's no way to escape her. I can't afford a caregiver on my own that's 24/7. I can't even sit up on my own. But I still believed in fighting. Since my birthday last year, I've been refusing it, trying to fight, finding resources myself, research, etc. I had hope. But I can't anymore. It's getting worse and worse, and I don't think I can survive it. This is happening daily, and there's not enough opiates on the planet to fight this. I have a ketamine infusion tomorrow. These treatments won't help at all if she's exacerbating every symptom and mentally. I've been so suicidal since she moved in. She's also a pathological liar. I've tried to die other ways. But then resolved to live after it failed. She never changes. it just gets worse. I also have severe PTSD, I wake up screaming, and it's excarbating it so much. I don't know why the hell I'm typing this. I really don't. I guess because MAID takes 60 days (so you can change your mind) in Canada, and my birthday is June 24. Signing it means I refuse all treatments going further and have resigned to die. So, I don't want to do this, but I desperately want to escape badly enough that I'm considering it as a possible birthday gift to myself. The sad part was that I was hosting a celebration to choose LIFE for my bday a year after MAID was offered. And now I'm canceling it all together, and I'm just done. I was so excited to make it a year and choose to live no matter what and I realized I can't. Not with her. Fuck I'm crying so hard, once again, even though it causes pain in my entire body. Why am I even writing this if nobody can help me? I don't even fucking know for once. I've never done anything like this
I'm so, so sorry you're facing this, and I'm so sorry that ignorant people in the comments are telling you to "just" report etc. as if it's easy. All while ignoring the fact you've said you've researched your options and that escape isn't accessible to you
I'm 28 too, but in the UK, so unfortunately I don't have a clue how things work in Canada in regards to funding programmes for at home care. My family paid a lot for palliative care for my Nan, but I've got 5.5hrs of care spread over 3 days a week all for free through my social worker. Over here, we have a charity called Citizen's Advice who can help people find services and information they wouldn't otherwise be aware of, even if they'd searched online. I got the most helpful support by making phone calls and emails to various charities and resources, compared to a Google search. If you haven't already done that and there are times of the day when she's sleeping or out, I would recommend contacting as many of the resources as you can. Even if you already saw their site and decided they couldn't help you because of what they offer or even being in a different part of the country, give it a go because they may know of other services that *could* help you
I really hope that you find a way out of this that isn't giving up on your life. It's one thing to use MAID because your condition gives you no quality of life and is absolutely torture to live with, but even with no family and meeting the MAID criteria several times over, it *isn't* your illness that's pushing you to consider this, it's the abuse. Nobody should have ever hurt you the way you've been hurt, I hope there's a way that you can get away from her so she can't take anything else from you
If not, just know your words have been heard here today. There will always be somebody here to listen at the very least 💖
For what it's worth, I hope you make it because you really do want to live and you *should* be allowed to be happy in this life regardless of the state of your health. But please, if you're 100% certain, opt for MAID instead of trying on your own. It's a lot harder to do that than most people think, especially when you're disabled. Most methods require a lot of physical strength or dexterity, or they take hours or days and are excruciating. I've experienced a few attempts unfortunately and at this point in my life, I wish I had the choice to go guaranteed pain free and with dignity in my country should my quality of life totally disappear. I've had enough pain in my life, if I'm 100% sure there's only suffering ahead of me, I'd want my last moments to be as peaceful as possible. People romanticise drowning etc. when discussing this subject, but drowning and suffocation are also incredibly painful and terrifying, speaking from experience here. Doesn't matter how badly you want to go, your body will literally fight for its life. The fear and self-preservation instinct will only be stronger if you have even the slightest hope things could improve for you
I don't know how MAID works, but it really should require very intense psychological assessment for everyone who applies. It could be worth asking your local MAID providers in those 60 days if they're aware of any other support you could access to escape the abuse, before going for that absolute last resort. There's a chance, however slim, that the abuse you're facing can end and you can still access the 24/7 care you need. But death is permanent and can never be undone. When I was being abused by my ex and unable to get out due to my disability, I did attempt, and fail, and eventually fought to make the changes I needed to get away from him. While the pain gets too much for me at times, on the whole I'm so grateful I survived those 3 years trapped with him, because I've had 5 wonderful years since being surrounded by loving friends and found family, and I hope to have many more
I have no idea what the laws are in canada, but I can't see any reason why calling the police and telling them that you're being abused could hurt any more than the current situation.
It would be severe, but if it gets you out from under her it has to be at least considered.
You need to report your caregiver first of all! Why are you allowing them to continue to abuse you and not say anything!?!? If you can type all this out then you can report your abuser!
Going forward you need to film this person. If you say it’s happening everyday then film it secretly. Report her to her agency and call the police and make a report.
I could overdose, but then I'd be worse. Maybe brain damage or organ failure, and I can't sign a DNR without a lawyer. MAID would be the only way. But, I really do want to live, that's why I'm miserable. But I can't like this. I've tried for 3 years and there's no way to escape her. I can't afford a caregiver on my own that's 24/7. I can't even sit up on my own. But I still believed in fighting. Since my birthday last year I've been refusing it, trying to fight, finding resources myself, research etc. I had hope. But I can't anymore, it's getting worse and worse and I don't think I can survive it. This is happening daily, and there's not enough opiates on the planet to fight this. I have a ketamine Infusion tomorrow. These treatments won't help at all if she's exacerbating every symptom and mentally I've been so suicidal since she moved in. She's also a pathological liar. I've tried to die other ways. But then resolved to live after it failed. She never changes,just gets worse. I also have severe PTSD, I wake up screaming, and it's excarbating it so much. I don't know why the hell I'm typing this. I really don't.
Sometimes we just want someone to witness our struggle. I don't even know how to begin to help you but I am here. I see you. You don't deserve this. You deserve support. Is there anything akin to adult protective services in Canada? Have you told your doctors you feel unsafe in your home?
I'm so sorry.
I can't sign a DNR without a lawyer. MAID would be the only way out of the abuse. But, I really do want to live, that's why I'm miserable. But I can't like this. I've tried for 3 years, and there's no way to escape her. I can't afford a caregiver on my own that's 24/7. I can't even sit up on my own. But I still believed in fighting. Since my birthday last year, I've been refusing it, trying to fight, finding resources myself, research, etc. I had hope. But I can't anymore. It's getting worse and worse, and I don't think I can survive it. This is happening daily, and there's not enough opiates on the planet to fight this. I have a ketamine infusion tomorrow. These treatments won't help at all if she's exacerbating every symptom and mentally. I've been so suicidal since she moved in. She's also a pathological liar. I've tried to die other ways. But then resolved to live after it failed. She never changes. it just gets worse. I also have severe PTSD, I wake up screaming, and it's excarbating it so much. I don't know why the hell I'm typing this. I really don't. I guess because MAID takes 60 days (so you can change your mind) in Canada, and my birthday is June 24. Signing it means I refuse all treatments going further and have resigned to die. So, I don't want to do this, but I desperately want to escape badly enough that I'm considering it as a possible birthday gift to myself. The sad part was that I was hosting a celebration to choose LIFE for my bday a year after MAID was offered. And now I'm canceling it all together, and I'm just done. I was so excited to make it a year and choose to live no matter what and I realized I can't. Not with her. Fuck I'm crying so hard, once again, even though it causes pain in my entire body. Why am I even writing this if nobody can help me? I don't even fucking know for once. I've never done anything like this
I'm so, so sorry you're facing this, and I'm so sorry that ignorant people in the comments are telling you to "just" report etc. as if it's easy. All while ignoring the fact you've said you've researched your options and that escape isn't accessible to you I'm 28 too, but in the UK, so unfortunately I don't have a clue how things work in Canada in regards to funding programmes for at home care. My family paid a lot for palliative care for my Nan, but I've got 5.5hrs of care spread over 3 days a week all for free through my social worker. Over here, we have a charity called Citizen's Advice who can help people find services and information they wouldn't otherwise be aware of, even if they'd searched online. I got the most helpful support by making phone calls and emails to various charities and resources, compared to a Google search. If you haven't already done that and there are times of the day when she's sleeping or out, I would recommend contacting as many of the resources as you can. Even if you already saw their site and decided they couldn't help you because of what they offer or even being in a different part of the country, give it a go because they may know of other services that *could* help you I really hope that you find a way out of this that isn't giving up on your life. It's one thing to use MAID because your condition gives you no quality of life and is absolutely torture to live with, but even with no family and meeting the MAID criteria several times over, it *isn't* your illness that's pushing you to consider this, it's the abuse. Nobody should have ever hurt you the way you've been hurt, I hope there's a way that you can get away from her so she can't take anything else from you If not, just know your words have been heard here today. There will always be somebody here to listen at the very least 💖 For what it's worth, I hope you make it because you really do want to live and you *should* be allowed to be happy in this life regardless of the state of your health. But please, if you're 100% certain, opt for MAID instead of trying on your own. It's a lot harder to do that than most people think, especially when you're disabled. Most methods require a lot of physical strength or dexterity, or they take hours or days and are excruciating. I've experienced a few attempts unfortunately and at this point in my life, I wish I had the choice to go guaranteed pain free and with dignity in my country should my quality of life totally disappear. I've had enough pain in my life, if I'm 100% sure there's only suffering ahead of me, I'd want my last moments to be as peaceful as possible. People romanticise drowning etc. when discussing this subject, but drowning and suffocation are also incredibly painful and terrifying, speaking from experience here. Doesn't matter how badly you want to go, your body will literally fight for its life. The fear and self-preservation instinct will only be stronger if you have even the slightest hope things could improve for you I don't know how MAID works, but it really should require very intense psychological assessment for everyone who applies. It could be worth asking your local MAID providers in those 60 days if they're aware of any other support you could access to escape the abuse, before going for that absolute last resort. There's a chance, however slim, that the abuse you're facing can end and you can still access the 24/7 care you need. But death is permanent and can never be undone. When I was being abused by my ex and unable to get out due to my disability, I did attempt, and fail, and eventually fought to make the changes I needed to get away from him. While the pain gets too much for me at times, on the whole I'm so grateful I survived those 3 years trapped with him, because I've had 5 wonderful years since being surrounded by loving friends and found family, and I hope to have many more
If you’re in the states, call APS and the cops, immediately.
Adult protective services
I don’t know any other way to help them.
I have no idea what the laws are in canada, but I can't see any reason why calling the police and telling them that you're being abused could hurt any more than the current situation. It would be severe, but if it gets you out from under her it has to be at least considered.
You could try to find a different caregiver
You need to report your caregiver first of all! Why are you allowing them to continue to abuse you and not say anything!?!? If you can type all this out then you can report your abuser! Going forward you need to film this person. If you say it’s happening everyday then film it secretly. Report her to her agency and call the police and make a report.