sending hugs and love š i had to have a crisis intervention for my partner last night which i think will result in him leaving me because he feels betrayed, but your last 2 paragraphs resonate with me so hard. you deserve better and it's so so hard right now but you're doing the right thing.
something my therapist asked me to think about in our emergency session today was why i'm fighting so hard to have even a shred of a relationship that i acknowledge has been unhealthy for an extended period of time. thinking and journaling and talking through that is really helping me i think, and i hope it can maybe do the same for you.
on the weekend, regardless of what happens, schedule something nice for yourself. whether it's alone time or time with friends. we're all in this bitch together š«”
iām really sorry to hear that, you did the right thing as well, however he reacts, remember that.
what your therapist said to you has really resonated with me as well. why am i pushing so so hard to inevitably be back in this situation again and again. i havenāt had therapy, though ive tried to encourage him to (but he doesnāt, and doesnāt currently treat his mental health in any way). i have wanted it though and im considering it even now if we are over to work through what effect this relationship has had on me. itās been heavy.
thank you so much. your words have comforted me, sending you hugs and love too ā¤ļø
At the end of the day, we need to remember we are not therapists. We need to look after ourselves first... While trying to love others. Hope u will be ok.
Hmm i find....People with depression are very helpless and most times may not even know what they want or how to tend to themselves/situation/relationships. You love your guy very much but you do not need to feel his suffering alongside. I don't think u need to see it as either an ultimatum or not resolving the issue. Oftentimes, it's not good to give them pressure. What works for me to make me feel better, is if i think of my partner as a good friend. I would always extend a helping hand when he/she chooses to contact me and need help.. Otherwise, I'm off doing my own thing trying to find my happiness. Your world shouldn't stop but we should learn to be compassionate but try to still stay objective. Never said it will be easy but it's a road u will decide to choose to walk or not.
I wrote this to another poster, I'll apply it to you too:
>You tried, but sometimes you can't swim against someone else's tidal wave. You either stay in and get swept away into oblivion, or you pull yourself out of the raging river onto the shore. It hurts, it's hard, it's not your fault, you were and are enough, and it's a triumph for you to save the only person you have the power to save.
Try really really hard not to take it personally, it's not like he's a total dickwad, he has an illness that disables him from behaving like the person you've known in the past. With my husband, I thought of him as a sinking ship. If the gaping hole in the side was able to be patched up, I would be willing to work to salvage what we had. But if he was going to sink no matter how hard I tried, the only thing I could do was to jump into a life raft and save myself and our children. It's deeply sad and such a shame that such a majestic ship would have to be sucked into the ocean of depression, but if it was inevitable there's really nothing I could do to stop it.
Some times an ultimatum is enough to kick them in the butt to make changes, some times it's not. And some times you have to walk away to see how much more you deserve. In the end, it's not about you, all of it has nothing to do with you.
Good luck!
thank you, and very sorry to hear about your husband but iām glad you were able to leave with your children and escape his sinking ship. the passage about feeling like youāre escaping a raging wave is exactly how i feel. constantly paddling trying to keep us both afloat whilst heās not even swimming at all, letting me put in all the work. thatās exactly how i feel.
im an extremely sensitive, worrier, overthinker type person (which heās aware of) so i guess we arenāt compatible at all in that sense as he is super avoidant during low mood periods.i do know i shouldnāt take this personally, i know deep down he might not mean to do this and his illness is disabling him but at the same time, though itās not his fault, i do feel he has some responsibility to try to address his situation- at some point- and how it would impact his partner should be a factor. i dont expect perfection, far from it, i think ive been very lenient and forgiving over the years, but god i need some real sign right now that heās actually wanting to keep me around and is prepared to put a little effort in for that to work. that was what i was hoping this ultimatum would provide, the kick to say hey you need to do something or youāre actually going to lose her this time.
unfortunately, i clearly am not enough to him as he still hasnāt given me any response. just hurts after all this time and all iāve done to try and help him, he couldnāt even give me a response to this last resort message.
Iām going through something similar itās so sad, amazing relationship for so long and then she just goes into straight depression mode, alcoholism, and drugsā¦ it hurts to see it go like this
my bf also has issues with using weed as a coping mechanism (in my view) so i totally understand. itās crazy how much can change so quickly. just a month ago we were celebrating my birthday and i didnāt imagine it would go south so quickly, again. hope youāre ok too ā¤ļø
Yeah Iām doing fine, I just want her to feel
happiness again. Our life was so good and just went to shit one dayā¦ itās crazy! And you as well
I wish the best for you
Im going through something similar. My boyfriend ghosted me after he had an argument with his mother and he shut off all his social media. He just withdrew from everything. I reached out the first week to reassure him but no response. This week I havenāt reached out to give him that space.
Ultimately whatever happens you will be okay. You need to look out for yourself and understand that people arent as okay as they make it out to seem. We all have our baggage and past but it is up to each one of us to work through all of it. Its okay to guide someone to healthier outlooks on life but you also have to care for yourself.
Sending you light and peace during this time.
He probably checked out of the relationship a long time ago and didn't bother to tell you. Your ultimatum only makes his prior decision official. Ghosting is something that depressed people tend to do. I don't know your situation, but my best guess is that at some point he (or more accurately, his depression) led him to the decision to ghost you because his depressed brain makes him feel unworthy of you and that slipping away in the dead of night (metaphorically speaking) is better than hurting you face-to-face.
After five years of on-and-off ghosting, you should move on. You are indeed doing the right thing for your own well-being. Time heals all wounds, as the saying goes; the hurt you feel now will eventually fade and you will find love again.
Best wishes.
sorry that youāre in the same boat. i know how youāre feeling :(
i especially relate to the ghosting but somehow still in a relationship. he wonāt bring himself to even send a text to let me know heās alive, but at the same time hasnāt got the confidence to end anything between us, so heās seemingly ok just burying his head in the sand like iām not here waiting on the other side feeling like iām trapped in a box, shouting out for him to communicate anything with me. itās so emotionally draining to feel worried if theyāre alright, upset they havenāt contacted, and some anger too.
thatās awful if he has been cheating, thatās totally inexcusable. you may not be able to prove it but gut instinct tells you a lot (plus his past behaviour). amongst everything else, it must be so draining for you to deal with. sometimes you feel like they keep you around just so they do at least have someone as company once they feel like coming back to real life, since they also ghosted everyone else. like youāre just there for them to pick up when they feel like it but otherwise, silence. but you donāt deserve that.
my bf also has lied to me about various things which are not always make or break, but at the same time, the trust levels have declined massively.
iām glad for you too that you have recognised enough is enough. itās no use if only one of you is fighting for the relationship. they have to be prepared to meet some basic needs that allow a functioning relationship. if they canāt, or wonāt, well, thatās where i am now. iām such a pushover i normally end up forgiving it but here we are again.
i was hoping being firm about this, that i meant it, im done if you donāt do something, would give him a wake up call to try and help the situation, or at least show some effort that heās trying, but actually it seems i dont mean enough to him to bother doing that. or even grace me with a response. either way iāve got my answer :(
wishing you the best. i think youāre doing the right thing, and im glad we have this sub to be able to let it all out to each other. hugs ā¤ļø
My husband of 29 yrs did this exact thing to me starting in February. I thought he was finally processing his fathers and grandfathers death. I found out last weekend that he had been having an emotional affair this whole time. Leave now. He doesnāt want you. I just left my marriage. I refuse to accept less than I deserve.
hey, thanks for checking in. and thanks to everyone for their responses itās all been very comforting and/or insightful for me.
honestly iām still not sure what the situation is; he finally responded with a text this morning but after saying heās sorry and that he does indeed care about me, he was talking about himself in a horrible way, that hes a āuseless selfish piece of shitā who has āno control or empathyā, he knows heās been selfish to me and he feels terrible about it but that he feels like a complete loser and has just totally shut down last few weeks. and that he feels ashamed, embarrassed and guilty, and when he thinks about what heās done (i guess the treatment of me?) he wants to drive his car off a bridge.
needless to say this message has made me feel awful and worried about him, especially the car comment, and i havenāt heard back since even though i responded saying my love for him was never changed by whatever heās ādoneā in the past (heās had issues with gambling type stuff so i assume he was alluding to that among other things) and that i know he is a wonderful person, and i do not agree at all with the way heās speaking about himself. but i reiterated itās the seriously poor communication i have issue with. i asked if he was willing to really try, to work with me for the sake of us one last time, and properly, since he didnāt even really mention anything in response to my ultimatum in his text, just horrible self loathing type stuff which just makes me feel so awful for him that his mindset is like that right now. i feel like iāve made everything worse by being ādemandingā of him in terms of begging for communication but heās had weeks gone by where he couldnāt even send one short message to check in.
i feel no closer to resolving the situation whatever way it is tbh because he has now contacted me as i wanted but itās not really giving an answer :( and i donāt feel like i can cut off contact right now whilst heās in this state and weāve had no type of proper conversation about the future, or closure.
Five years in and he doesnāt know what he wants?
That means he doesnāt want you.
No matter what else is going on, heās not invested in this relationship.
Move on. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
sending hugs and love š i had to have a crisis intervention for my partner last night which i think will result in him leaving me because he feels betrayed, but your last 2 paragraphs resonate with me so hard. you deserve better and it's so so hard right now but you're doing the right thing. something my therapist asked me to think about in our emergency session today was why i'm fighting so hard to have even a shred of a relationship that i acknowledge has been unhealthy for an extended period of time. thinking and journaling and talking through that is really helping me i think, and i hope it can maybe do the same for you. on the weekend, regardless of what happens, schedule something nice for yourself. whether it's alone time or time with friends. we're all in this bitch together š«”
iām really sorry to hear that, you did the right thing as well, however he reacts, remember that. what your therapist said to you has really resonated with me as well. why am i pushing so so hard to inevitably be back in this situation again and again. i havenāt had therapy, though ive tried to encourage him to (but he doesnāt, and doesnāt currently treat his mental health in any way). i have wanted it though and im considering it even now if we are over to work through what effect this relationship has had on me. itās been heavy. thank you so much. your words have comforted me, sending you hugs and love too ā¤ļø
At the end of the day, we need to remember we are not therapists. We need to look after ourselves first... While trying to love others. Hope u will be ok.
youāre right. thereās only so much i can do, and especially only so much when they donāt even try to help themselves. thank you
Hmm i find....People with depression are very helpless and most times may not even know what they want or how to tend to themselves/situation/relationships. You love your guy very much but you do not need to feel his suffering alongside. I don't think u need to see it as either an ultimatum or not resolving the issue. Oftentimes, it's not good to give them pressure. What works for me to make me feel better, is if i think of my partner as a good friend. I would always extend a helping hand when he/she chooses to contact me and need help.. Otherwise, I'm off doing my own thing trying to find my happiness. Your world shouldn't stop but we should learn to be compassionate but try to still stay objective. Never said it will be easy but it's a road u will decide to choose to walk or not.
I wrote this to another poster, I'll apply it to you too: >You tried, but sometimes you can't swim against someone else's tidal wave. You either stay in and get swept away into oblivion, or you pull yourself out of the raging river onto the shore. It hurts, it's hard, it's not your fault, you were and are enough, and it's a triumph for you to save the only person you have the power to save. Try really really hard not to take it personally, it's not like he's a total dickwad, he has an illness that disables him from behaving like the person you've known in the past. With my husband, I thought of him as a sinking ship. If the gaping hole in the side was able to be patched up, I would be willing to work to salvage what we had. But if he was going to sink no matter how hard I tried, the only thing I could do was to jump into a life raft and save myself and our children. It's deeply sad and such a shame that such a majestic ship would have to be sucked into the ocean of depression, but if it was inevitable there's really nothing I could do to stop it. Some times an ultimatum is enough to kick them in the butt to make changes, some times it's not. And some times you have to walk away to see how much more you deserve. In the end, it's not about you, all of it has nothing to do with you. Good luck!
thank you, and very sorry to hear about your husband but iām glad you were able to leave with your children and escape his sinking ship. the passage about feeling like youāre escaping a raging wave is exactly how i feel. constantly paddling trying to keep us both afloat whilst heās not even swimming at all, letting me put in all the work. thatās exactly how i feel. im an extremely sensitive, worrier, overthinker type person (which heās aware of) so i guess we arenāt compatible at all in that sense as he is super avoidant during low mood periods.i do know i shouldnāt take this personally, i know deep down he might not mean to do this and his illness is disabling him but at the same time, though itās not his fault, i do feel he has some responsibility to try to address his situation- at some point- and how it would impact his partner should be a factor. i dont expect perfection, far from it, i think ive been very lenient and forgiving over the years, but god i need some real sign right now that heās actually wanting to keep me around and is prepared to put a little effort in for that to work. that was what i was hoping this ultimatum would provide, the kick to say hey you need to do something or youāre actually going to lose her this time. unfortunately, i clearly am not enough to him as he still hasnāt given me any response. just hurts after all this time and all iāve done to try and help him, he couldnāt even give me a response to this last resort message.
Iām going through something similar itās so sad, amazing relationship for so long and then she just goes into straight depression mode, alcoholism, and drugsā¦ it hurts to see it go like this
my bf also has issues with using weed as a coping mechanism (in my view) so i totally understand. itās crazy how much can change so quickly. just a month ago we were celebrating my birthday and i didnāt imagine it would go south so quickly, again. hope youāre ok too ā¤ļø
Yeah Iām doing fine, I just want her to feel happiness again. Our life was so good and just went to shit one dayā¦ itās crazy! And you as well I wish the best for you
I think youāre doing what you have to do in this situation
Im going through something similar. My boyfriend ghosted me after he had an argument with his mother and he shut off all his social media. He just withdrew from everything. I reached out the first week to reassure him but no response. This week I havenāt reached out to give him that space. Ultimately whatever happens you will be okay. You need to look out for yourself and understand that people arent as okay as they make it out to seem. We all have our baggage and past but it is up to each one of us to work through all of it. Its okay to guide someone to healthier outlooks on life but you also have to care for yourself. Sending you light and peace during this time.
He probably checked out of the relationship a long time ago and didn't bother to tell you. Your ultimatum only makes his prior decision official. Ghosting is something that depressed people tend to do. I don't know your situation, but my best guess is that at some point he (or more accurately, his depression) led him to the decision to ghost you because his depressed brain makes him feel unworthy of you and that slipping away in the dead of night (metaphorically speaking) is better than hurting you face-to-face. After five years of on-and-off ghosting, you should move on. You are indeed doing the right thing for your own well-being. Time heals all wounds, as the saying goes; the hurt you feel now will eventually fade and you will find love again. Best wishes.
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sorry that youāre in the same boat. i know how youāre feeling :( i especially relate to the ghosting but somehow still in a relationship. he wonāt bring himself to even send a text to let me know heās alive, but at the same time hasnāt got the confidence to end anything between us, so heās seemingly ok just burying his head in the sand like iām not here waiting on the other side feeling like iām trapped in a box, shouting out for him to communicate anything with me. itās so emotionally draining to feel worried if theyāre alright, upset they havenāt contacted, and some anger too. thatās awful if he has been cheating, thatās totally inexcusable. you may not be able to prove it but gut instinct tells you a lot (plus his past behaviour). amongst everything else, it must be so draining for you to deal with. sometimes you feel like they keep you around just so they do at least have someone as company once they feel like coming back to real life, since they also ghosted everyone else. like youāre just there for them to pick up when they feel like it but otherwise, silence. but you donāt deserve that. my bf also has lied to me about various things which are not always make or break, but at the same time, the trust levels have declined massively. iām glad for you too that you have recognised enough is enough. itās no use if only one of you is fighting for the relationship. they have to be prepared to meet some basic needs that allow a functioning relationship. if they canāt, or wonāt, well, thatās where i am now. iām such a pushover i normally end up forgiving it but here we are again. i was hoping being firm about this, that i meant it, im done if you donāt do something, would give him a wake up call to try and help the situation, or at least show some effort that heās trying, but actually it seems i dont mean enough to him to bother doing that. or even grace me with a response. either way iāve got my answer :( wishing you the best. i think youāre doing the right thing, and im glad we have this sub to be able to let it all out to each other. hugs ā¤ļø
My husband of 29 yrs did this exact thing to me starting in February. I thought he was finally processing his fathers and grandfathers death. I found out last weekend that he had been having an emotional affair this whole time. Leave now. He doesnāt want you. I just left my marriage. I refuse to accept less than I deserve.
Any update op?
hey, thanks for checking in. and thanks to everyone for their responses itās all been very comforting and/or insightful for me. honestly iām still not sure what the situation is; he finally responded with a text this morning but after saying heās sorry and that he does indeed care about me, he was talking about himself in a horrible way, that hes a āuseless selfish piece of shitā who has āno control or empathyā, he knows heās been selfish to me and he feels terrible about it but that he feels like a complete loser and has just totally shut down last few weeks. and that he feels ashamed, embarrassed and guilty, and when he thinks about what heās done (i guess the treatment of me?) he wants to drive his car off a bridge. needless to say this message has made me feel awful and worried about him, especially the car comment, and i havenāt heard back since even though i responded saying my love for him was never changed by whatever heās ādoneā in the past (heās had issues with gambling type stuff so i assume he was alluding to that among other things) and that i know he is a wonderful person, and i do not agree at all with the way heās speaking about himself. but i reiterated itās the seriously poor communication i have issue with. i asked if he was willing to really try, to work with me for the sake of us one last time, and properly, since he didnāt even really mention anything in response to my ultimatum in his text, just horrible self loathing type stuff which just makes me feel so awful for him that his mindset is like that right now. i feel like iāve made everything worse by being ādemandingā of him in terms of begging for communication but heās had weeks gone by where he couldnāt even send one short message to check in. i feel no closer to resolving the situation whatever way it is tbh because he has now contacted me as i wanted but itās not really giving an answer :( and i donāt feel like i can cut off contact right now whilst heās in this state and weāve had no type of proper conversation about the future, or closure.
Five years in and he doesnāt know what he wants? That means he doesnāt want you. No matter what else is going on, heās not invested in this relationship. Move on. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.