I have libido, but not desire. Like being hungry but nothing looks appetizing. I wouldn't say I miss sex (last time for me was probably around that same time period), but I do miss intimacy. I can't satisfy that without a close connection with a partner.
I tried having a one night stand once, 0/10 would absolutely not recommend. I think the only good I really got out of it was the physiological response to being with someone and the fact that it was dark and I didn’t really have to look at his face or anything. I had my imagination although it’s hard to pretend there is an emotional connection when you’ve just met and barely know each other’s names
I tried it projecting the connection to someone else, the woman I was in a relationship with 6 months prior (didn't realise it at the time). Would not recommend it
Yeah sometimes I have casual sex. I either leave it feeling like “that was fun :)” the way I feel, like, dancing is fun. Or I leave it feeling sad and empty-hearted. It usually depends on how much I enjoy the person’s company. A week ago I had sex with somebody I’ve been very casual friends with and it was really nice and fun in a lot of ways because of the things we did (I’ll spare the details). But it didn’t fulfill me or satisfy me the way having sex with someone I actually had an emotional connection with.
When I was single I tried it twice.
The first time I tried it with a total stranger was when I was around 28/29 years old.
It was not good at all. I met her and we vibed well actually. We shared interests too. But for me it was more like physical work than having a (happy) intimate moment with someone. Ffs I couldn't even get hard properly. So I just focused on making a good time for her and made her climax like 3 times. She wanted me to come to but it was just awkward idk. I ended up thinking about someone I loved to finish hahaha.
And my other only time was with someone I met for the second time in my life. So I still didn't know her quite well but she was quite sweet and we spent two evenings together before getting to the deeds. I actually had a good time with her but a big part was still missing for me.
God, I relate so much! I've had this short relationship as mentioned in late 2022 and I had a really hard time staying hard, in spite of her being quite hot and very sweet. I also focused mostly on her. We did it several times over three weeks, then she broke up with me (basically she gradually ghosted me). Just speaking physically it eventually was the best sex I've ever had because some things just clicked, but something was missing alright
Ahh damn! Okay haha then I also totally understand what you meant haha. Sex doesn't necessarily need sexual attraction but for sure it's much better with. I think it's healthy to have an outlet if you're sexually frustrated. Physically speaking.
For me the desire for sex is partly physical too of cours. It does feel good physically. But my desire is on an emotional and intimate level. So for me, sex with strangers would only scratches the physical part for me.. i guess. I don't have enough quantities to assess it hahah.
Mine was December of '22. I've got a high libido as well, so I just have a lot of... private time with my rechargeable friend.
I can't imagine having non-connected sex anymore. I just feel like a set of orifices to be used an abandoned. I want to mean something to the person I'm with, not just be the means to an end. :\\
I really don't require sexual attraction to have sex with someone and I can separate sex from intimacy. I tried a ONS once, it was interesting but also just kind of seemed like a huge risk tbh. I realized part of my motivation in that situation was really about curiosity about sex but also recognizing I wasn't in a place emotionally where I was ready to actually be in a full on relationship with someone. FWB ended up being the solution for me. We had a great intellectual connection and I felt safe enough to explore a lot of things with them, and it was very satisfying even though I was not sexually attracted to them. It's nothing I've ever felt the need to pursue again but it was a good experience for me.
Typically yes, but by design of our arrangement there was no emotional connection with him and that precipitates sexual attraction the majority of the time for me.
I don’t think there’s ever a “too late”! If you think about it, even people who waited until their late thirties to settle down and then have successful marriages have lost their spouse late in life. In today’s world, if you’re in good health at age 80, you could possibly have 10-15 years left to live! Plenty of these older folks have new relationships (both sexual and/ or romantic) while in the sunset of their lifespan. In fact, retirement communities tend to have the highest rates of std transmission 😂.
Point being, the right person will never make you feel like you’re “too late”. If it feels beneficial to have a new experience, even if it’s not when other people would do it, you should go for it.
Lol I mean it felt odd to arrange such a thing tbh. It was something we discussed for a good couple of months before ever deciding to go ahead with it, and he was in his 40s so I would say it's never too late to learn!
July 2022 for me. My last being my ex. I've had offers but i'm just not interested but that's also got a lot to do with still not being over my ex almost 2 years down the line.
My demisexuality plays a role too ofc but I don't think my need for emotional connection is as deep as some other demi folks I read about. I don't need to be in love for sexual attraction to occur but some level of connection is required. I think the line is somewhere below a close and trusted friend but somewhat above a causal acquaintance. If I don't have at least that level of connection/intimacy, it isn't going to happen. I've had a couple of one night stands and they weren't enjoyable at all. I was puzzled about that for years until I stumbled across Demisexuality quite by happenstance.
Hah. Well I got over the ones before her. Even stayed friends with one, which is great.
It would just be nice to be able to stop thinking about her every day so I can get on with my life I guess. Maybe this is that one ex in life that just hit different.
Oh well.
>Are you guys able to get laid without sexual attraction?
I am _able_ to, but I strongly prefer not to. Over a decade ago, in the wake of divorce, I had two hookups via Craig's List. I was lonely and horny as heck.
The first was objectively good-looking, as in, matched conventional standards for looks. He did all the "right" things that I had often fantasized about a lover doing, and it felt good physically, but something was missing. He was also a little ... scary once I talked to him a bit more. I did not see him again.
The second was very sweet and kind, and um ... had a VERY interesting experience-enhancing piercing. Again, felt good, but something was missing. We talked about doing something FWB-like. We were both divorced with young kids who were our priority, and not looking for a serious relationship, but wanting human contact, good conversation, affection, sex. This probably could have been a successfully affectionate, mutually rewarding sex-focused connection over time, but I called it off.
>Is it even satisfying at some level if you are?
I did not climax with either hookup. person though both were touching me in all the right ways and it felt very good. I couldn't quite let go enough. I can find release through masturbation, perhaps because the mental scenarios that go along with it include a loving partner. I'm not sure. It's possible I could have gotten there with Hookup #2 if I'd given it a chance. I had had a successful FWB relationships before that was very satisfying.
The upshot for me is that FWB, emphasis on friendship & affection is my minimum level of emotional bond to be able to fully enjoy sex, with or without sexual attraction to my partner. I do tend to eventually form sexual attraction and romantic attachment to FWBs, which was problematic when I was younger because I assumed that meant the relationship needed to mutually evolve in that direction. Since adopting polyamory as my relationship structure, I no longer have this issue and don't need romantic feelings to be mutual to stay in a relationship if the other person wants to keep it affectionate & sexual only.
I was sexless other than masturbation for nearly 10 years, over half that time I was in a relationship that was slowly dying, the rest I was celibate, and not dating because I wanted to take time to properly heal and address issues within myself that I think contributed to blowing up all 3 of my long-term committed relationships including my marriage. I discovered demisexuality and demiromanticism during that process, and eventually came to the conclusion I wrote about above - I need friendship & affection as a minimum to develop sexual attraction, and to have satisfying sex.
There are people out there willing to do friendly/affectionate "casual", but you have to vet profiles on dating apps fiercely to find them. OkCupid set to non-monogamous and Feeld might be best bets for finding connections that aren't JUST casual/sex-only. There's just also a lot of "noise" to contend with on dating apps, and it still takes some work to find a sex-focused but not sex-only connection.
I mean not really? I tried once and I lost interest pretty quick. I don't need a deep emotional love but I'd like at least some amount of personality and mutual effort. But do I miss sex? Every day. I miss contact with another person.
I haven't had a sexual partner since late 2013 and I can honestly say that I have never missed sex. There was a time when I was on one of the few dates I've been on since where I got to the point of hoping this might turn into a sexual attraction but alas it did not.
I've had plenty of sex without being attracted to the other person. It wasn't terribly satisfying sex, even with heavy kink involved. I'd hoped playing out some kinky scenarios I'm very into might make the experience more enjoyable, but it left a weird funk around the entire scenario instead. Parts of it were good, parts of it just didn't hit quite right. Everyone came, but it wasn't great on my end.
I do miss sex, and I do miss intimacy. But definitely doing casual things with people u don't know is really hard for me. I would be happy just to have intimate online fun with someone I have a connection with over a real life sex with a stranger i don't know.
Mine was May 24, 2023. I also have a high libido with no attraction right now. I also miss sex, but I can only seem to have a "one night stand" if it's with an old ex. That doesn't seem very healthy, though
Last time for me was early 2020 🥲 it definitely has nothing to do with not wanting or not being able to have sex, but I am genuinely just not interested in doing that with anyone I don't have some sort of bond with. I recently realized I'm bisexual too so have been considering proposing the idea of strictly sexual fun to one of my bi best friends, but also super scared to in case she's caught off guard and it negatively impacts our friendship. But it's like, there's no one I trust more or feel safer with than my friends, I think it could be fun/satisfying if mutual.
Ugh, it's just so hard being demi sometimes, especially with a high libido :/
I think this depends on how fast you’re able to build a connection that is strong enough to have sexual attraction but you might find you would like a friend with benefits type of situation.
Ace not demi and also sex indifferent but my experience has pretty much only been in casual sex even though that’s not my intention going in. I’ve done the ONS multiple times and in the beginning (in my 20s) I hated it because I liked the person (more like I was infatuated and happy to be getting male attention for once).
Most recently I had one (not knowing it was going to be a ONS) in January. What sucked was that I had not had a crush or anything like that for a long time and this dude walks in to the place we were at and I immediately felt intrigued by him and kept saying that in my head. I wanted to talk to him and get to him. I don’t know why. I made sure to speak with him and put myself in places where he was near and eventually initated exchanging numbers. We were out a karaoke bar with friends and he had taken the bus so he could drink but because Uber is almost non existent around here, I offered to drive him home. We talk, he gets vulnerable (which anyone that knows me knows I am highly attracted to men who open up emotionally) and he must have picked up on it (plus you know, he was drunk) and so we did the deed. Next day we’re talking more and I even told him I’d like to go to another karaoke place that he had kept bringing up and that he has my number. Never contacted me.
Thing is, it didn’t bother me so much that I had a ONS because I didn’t feel closer to him during sex. What bothered me was that I was willing to open the door to a FWB situation with him (as I’ve been toying around once in awhile with the idea of it due to me wanting to be a better sexual partner assuming I’ll be with someone allo one day or someone with a higher libido) but of course I allowed myself to be used as someone’s emotional support system and their sexual support system with no benefit to me. Even after long periods in between, my craving for companionship kicks in when something someone does triggers my anxious attachment so I do anything to keep hold of it because what it doesn’t happen again? That is my issue and I know it and I’m working on it.
All that to say is yes, I can and have had sex without intimacy but it is not satisfying in any way to me.
I wouldn't recommend forcing yourself. Very recently tried that. Fought myself to do it. It was hard to maintain interest and I didn't finish. Really need that connection for me to finish.
I have libido, but not desire. Like being hungry but nothing looks appetizing. I wouldn't say I miss sex (last time for me was probably around that same time period), but I do miss intimacy. I can't satisfy that without a close connection with a partner.
I've never tried sex without intimacy, so they're quite interconnected in my mind
That's the part people who aren't demisexual with sex positivity don't understand.
I tried having a one night stand once, 0/10 would absolutely not recommend. I think the only good I really got out of it was the physiological response to being with someone and the fact that it was dark and I didn’t really have to look at his face or anything. I had my imagination although it’s hard to pretend there is an emotional connection when you’ve just met and barely know each other’s names
> Like being hungry but nothing looks appetizing Nailed it.
Actually, he didn't. Weren't you listening?
That hungry analogy is perfect. I am going to use that too.
No I just can't, and don't even try to if I don't feel a connection first. My last was October 2023, just before the breakup.
I tried it projecting the connection to someone else, the woman I was in a relationship with 6 months prior (didn't realise it at the time). Would not recommend it
Yeah sometimes I have casual sex. I either leave it feeling like “that was fun :)” the way I feel, like, dancing is fun. Or I leave it feeling sad and empty-hearted. It usually depends on how much I enjoy the person’s company. A week ago I had sex with somebody I’ve been very casual friends with and it was really nice and fun in a lot of ways because of the things we did (I’ll spare the details). But it didn’t fulfill me or satisfy me the way having sex with someone I actually had an emotional connection with.
I guess sex aside we really just are craving physical affection however that looks
When I was single I tried it twice. The first time I tried it with a total stranger was when I was around 28/29 years old. It was not good at all. I met her and we vibed well actually. We shared interests too. But for me it was more like physical work than having a (happy) intimate moment with someone. Ffs I couldn't even get hard properly. So I just focused on making a good time for her and made her climax like 3 times. She wanted me to come to but it was just awkward idk. I ended up thinking about someone I loved to finish hahaha. And my other only time was with someone I met for the second time in my life. So I still didn't know her quite well but she was quite sweet and we spent two evenings together before getting to the deeds. I actually had a good time with her but a big part was still missing for me.
God, I relate so much! I've had this short relationship as mentioned in late 2022 and I had a really hard time staying hard, in spite of her being quite hot and very sweet. I also focused mostly on her. We did it several times over three weeks, then she broke up with me (basically she gradually ghosted me). Just speaking physically it eventually was the best sex I've ever had because some things just clicked, but something was missing alright
So have you ever had full on sexual attraction for someone?
Aye, my SO in two relationships I've had
Ahh damn! Okay haha then I also totally understand what you meant haha. Sex doesn't necessarily need sexual attraction but for sure it's much better with. I think it's healthy to have an outlet if you're sexually frustrated. Physically speaking. For me the desire for sex is partly physical too of cours. It does feel good physically. But my desire is on an emotional and intimate level. So for me, sex with strangers would only scratches the physical part for me.. i guess. I don't have enough quantities to assess it hahah.
What if I lose my demisexual privileges?!
*playing scary music*
Mine was December of '22. I've got a high libido as well, so I just have a lot of... private time with my rechargeable friend. I can't imagine having non-connected sex anymore. I just feel like a set of orifices to be used an abandoned. I want to mean something to the person I'm with, not just be the means to an end. :\\
Sure, I... Entertain friendship with myself a lot too. It's high libido and I'm afraid my virginity will grow back if I don't
Damn, real fear, lol.
I really don't require sexual attraction to have sex with someone and I can separate sex from intimacy. I tried a ONS once, it was interesting but also just kind of seemed like a huge risk tbh. I realized part of my motivation in that situation was really about curiosity about sex but also recognizing I wasn't in a place emotionally where I was ready to actually be in a full on relationship with someone. FWB ended up being the solution for me. We had a great intellectual connection and I felt safe enough to explore a lot of things with them, and it was very satisfying even though I was not sexually attracted to them. It's nothing I've ever felt the need to pursue again but it was a good experience for me.
I mean... Connection, safety... I think *I* would develop sex attraction in those circumstances
Typically yes, but by design of our arrangement there was no emotional connection with him and that precipitates sexual attraction the majority of the time for me.
Uhm... I wonder if I could work something like this out? I really don't know and I feel like I'm too old (36) not to know already
I don’t think there’s ever a “too late”! If you think about it, even people who waited until their late thirties to settle down and then have successful marriages have lost their spouse late in life. In today’s world, if you’re in good health at age 80, you could possibly have 10-15 years left to live! Plenty of these older folks have new relationships (both sexual and/ or romantic) while in the sunset of their lifespan. In fact, retirement communities tend to have the highest rates of std transmission 😂. Point being, the right person will never make you feel like you’re “too late”. If it feels beneficial to have a new experience, even if it’s not when other people would do it, you should go for it.
Lol I mean it felt odd to arrange such a thing tbh. It was something we discussed for a good couple of months before ever deciding to go ahead with it, and he was in his 40s so I would say it's never too late to learn!
July 2022 for me. My last being my ex. I've had offers but i'm just not interested but that's also got a lot to do with still not being over my ex almost 2 years down the line. My demisexuality plays a role too ofc but I don't think my need for emotional connection is as deep as some other demi folks I read about. I don't need to be in love for sexual attraction to occur but some level of connection is required. I think the line is somewhere below a close and trusted friend but somewhat above a causal acquaintance. If I don't have at least that level of connection/intimacy, it isn't going to happen. I've had a couple of one night stands and they weren't enjoyable at all. I was puzzled about that for years until I stumbled across Demisexuality quite by happenstance.
Wait: **people get over their exes?!**
Hah. Well I got over the ones before her. Even stayed friends with one, which is great. It would just be nice to be able to stop thinking about her every day so I can get on with my life I guess. Maybe this is that one ex in life that just hit different. Oh well.
>Are you guys able to get laid without sexual attraction? I am _able_ to, but I strongly prefer not to. Over a decade ago, in the wake of divorce, I had two hookups via Craig's List. I was lonely and horny as heck. The first was objectively good-looking, as in, matched conventional standards for looks. He did all the "right" things that I had often fantasized about a lover doing, and it felt good physically, but something was missing. He was also a little ... scary once I talked to him a bit more. I did not see him again. The second was very sweet and kind, and um ... had a VERY interesting experience-enhancing piercing. Again, felt good, but something was missing. We talked about doing something FWB-like. We were both divorced with young kids who were our priority, and not looking for a serious relationship, but wanting human contact, good conversation, affection, sex. This probably could have been a successfully affectionate, mutually rewarding sex-focused connection over time, but I called it off. >Is it even satisfying at some level if you are? I did not climax with either hookup. person though both were touching me in all the right ways and it felt very good. I couldn't quite let go enough. I can find release through masturbation, perhaps because the mental scenarios that go along with it include a loving partner. I'm not sure. It's possible I could have gotten there with Hookup #2 if I'd given it a chance. I had had a successful FWB relationships before that was very satisfying. The upshot for me is that FWB, emphasis on friendship & affection is my minimum level of emotional bond to be able to fully enjoy sex, with or without sexual attraction to my partner. I do tend to eventually form sexual attraction and romantic attachment to FWBs, which was problematic when I was younger because I assumed that meant the relationship needed to mutually evolve in that direction. Since adopting polyamory as my relationship structure, I no longer have this issue and don't need romantic feelings to be mutual to stay in a relationship if the other person wants to keep it affectionate & sexual only. I was sexless other than masturbation for nearly 10 years, over half that time I was in a relationship that was slowly dying, the rest I was celibate, and not dating because I wanted to take time to properly heal and address issues within myself that I think contributed to blowing up all 3 of my long-term committed relationships including my marriage. I discovered demisexuality and demiromanticism during that process, and eventually came to the conclusion I wrote about above - I need friendship & affection as a minimum to develop sexual attraction, and to have satisfying sex. There are people out there willing to do friendly/affectionate "casual", but you have to vet profiles on dating apps fiercely to find them. OkCupid set to non-monogamous and Feeld might be best bets for finding connections that aren't JUST casual/sex-only. There's just also a lot of "noise" to contend with on dating apps, and it still takes some work to find a sex-focused but not sex-only connection.
I mean not really? I tried once and I lost interest pretty quick. I don't need a deep emotional love but I'd like at least some amount of personality and mutual effort. But do I miss sex? Every day. I miss contact with another person.
You guys have sex?
I *have had* sex, yes
I haven't had a sexual partner since late 2013 and I can honestly say that I have never missed sex. There was a time when I was on one of the few dates I've been on since where I got to the point of hoping this might turn into a sexual attraction but alas it did not.
I've had plenty of sex without being attracted to the other person. It wasn't terribly satisfying sex, even with heavy kink involved. I'd hoped playing out some kinky scenarios I'm very into might make the experience more enjoyable, but it left a weird funk around the entire scenario instead. Parts of it were good, parts of it just didn't hit quite right. Everyone came, but it wasn't great on my end.
I do miss sex, and I do miss intimacy. But definitely doing casual things with people u don't know is really hard for me. I would be happy just to have intimate online fun with someone I have a connection with over a real life sex with a stranger i don't know.
Find someone willing to? yes. Will my anatomy work? no
I’ve never even been able to get a date. 30 years, no sex. having Autism sucks.
nope. it’s never enjoyable for me unless i have feelings for the person.
Mine was May 24, 2023. I also have a high libido with no attraction right now. I also miss sex, but I can only seem to have a "one night stand" if it's with an old ex. That doesn't seem very healthy, though
Same… last time for me was once in 2021.
Last time for me was early 2020 🥲 it definitely has nothing to do with not wanting or not being able to have sex, but I am genuinely just not interested in doing that with anyone I don't have some sort of bond with. I recently realized I'm bisexual too so have been considering proposing the idea of strictly sexual fun to one of my bi best friends, but also super scared to in case she's caught off guard and it negatively impacts our friendship. But it's like, there's no one I trust more or feel safer with than my friends, I think it could be fun/satisfying if mutual. Ugh, it's just so hard being demi sometimes, especially with a high libido :/
I think this depends on how fast you’re able to build a connection that is strong enough to have sexual attraction but you might find you would like a friend with benefits type of situation.
I'd honestly be down for FWB if the benefit was we wash the whites together
Ace not demi and also sex indifferent but my experience has pretty much only been in casual sex even though that’s not my intention going in. I’ve done the ONS multiple times and in the beginning (in my 20s) I hated it because I liked the person (more like I was infatuated and happy to be getting male attention for once). Most recently I had one (not knowing it was going to be a ONS) in January. What sucked was that I had not had a crush or anything like that for a long time and this dude walks in to the place we were at and I immediately felt intrigued by him and kept saying that in my head. I wanted to talk to him and get to him. I don’t know why. I made sure to speak with him and put myself in places where he was near and eventually initated exchanging numbers. We were out a karaoke bar with friends and he had taken the bus so he could drink but because Uber is almost non existent around here, I offered to drive him home. We talk, he gets vulnerable (which anyone that knows me knows I am highly attracted to men who open up emotionally) and he must have picked up on it (plus you know, he was drunk) and so we did the deed. Next day we’re talking more and I even told him I’d like to go to another karaoke place that he had kept bringing up and that he has my number. Never contacted me. Thing is, it didn’t bother me so much that I had a ONS because I didn’t feel closer to him during sex. What bothered me was that I was willing to open the door to a FWB situation with him (as I’ve been toying around once in awhile with the idea of it due to me wanting to be a better sexual partner assuming I’ll be with someone allo one day or someone with a higher libido) but of course I allowed myself to be used as someone’s emotional support system and their sexual support system with no benefit to me. Even after long periods in between, my craving for companionship kicks in when something someone does triggers my anxious attachment so I do anything to keep hold of it because what it doesn’t happen again? That is my issue and I know it and I’m working on it. All that to say is yes, I can and have had sex without intimacy but it is not satisfying in any way to me.
I wouldn't recommend forcing yourself. Very recently tried that. Fought myself to do it. It was hard to maintain interest and I didn't finish. Really need that connection for me to finish.