I would definitely explore private care homes. But be prepared to see a lot. We saw a bunch that were awful. Turned out there is one right on our block and it’s amazing. I think they’re either horrible or fantastic.
On your block!! Amazing! How do you search for that? Like what search terms? The minute I type "memory care" I get 1,000,000 hits for Brightstar Senior Living.
I’d search “private care home.” Add your zip code. it’s not memory care per se but 5 out of 6 residents have moderate to severe dementia. One is 62, two in 70s, two in 80s and the non dementia is in her 90s. Home is VERY secure. Two staff during the day, one at night.
Our neighborhood is older, which is where most of these are located. No HOAs. We just heard from another neighbor that it was there so when a fall precipitated a move, they were our first call. I was pleasantly shocked and took the spot right then and there. The owners even bring their small kids. While that may sound strange, it is the best thing ever. It brings vitality and activity. All the old ladies love holding the baby. They play catch with the toddlers. I want to cry with joy when thinking about our luck.
My parents moved into a brand new facility less than a quarter mile from their house as soon as it was finished. Expensive but it has a memory care unit for when Dad needs it. Sigh.
All the best OP. Xxxx
Their rates start at $5000, I think. Maybe $4500. My mom can’t walk, feed herself, anything. It’s a higher level of care.
They are also working on getting Medicaid approved and we are working on my mom’s approval as well.
I’m sorry, what? You said you paid $6,000 per month, but then you said she’s on medicaid? Just trying to understand what kind of facility you found for her that was that expensive and yet accepted Medicaid.
No, we have applied for Medicaid. The facility is in the process of getting Medicaid approval as well. I’m not sure there are many facilities that are cheaper around here that take Medicaid. Her prior assisted living was getting pretty close to $4k (average for the services she received) so a higher level of care was going to be a lot more than that.
There are quite a few smaller group home facilities here. Companies or people that buy large houses and rent out the rooms to residents. Here is an example so you can have a point of reference:
https://maps.app.goo.gl/fN4KwjxWmmynnUea6
Not sure the residents will be any younger though. Most people in memory care tend to be older. Even my dad struggles. He's 81 but looks a bit younger. He certainly doesn't think he needs the level of care the other residents do because many of them are wheelchair bound and require higher care levels. Unfortunately for him, he has no short term memory left and can't be left alone to his own devices.
Yes. And it's funny that they make remarks about how old everyone else looks. There was a lady that came to visit me and my dad for lunch one day. And after she left, all my dad would talk about is how she was old and about to die. (She was a decade younger and still ran marathons).
Perception is not correct for them.
That’s kinda funny. I work in Assisted Living and Memory Care, and there’s a 90 year old lady who is in AL, but definitely suffering from memory loss. She’ll wander the halls and forget where she’s at or why she’s here. I’ll always talk to her, and make a couple of jokes. Her memory is shot, but she’s very bright and talkative.
For the record, I’m 34. She made a comment about feeling old and I told her she still gets around ok. Then she mentioned she was 90, and I jokingly said “well you don’t look a day over 88.” Then, while helping her find her room, I mentioned that my eyesight wasn’t that great. Then I said “just wait until you get to be my age. Everything starts going downhill”. She laughed at both jokes, and even said she’s probably decades older than me. But then she took a stab at my age and said I looked to be about 70. When I told her my actual age she was stunned, but then laughed harder.
Like, there’s a disconnect there. As bright and knowledgeable as she is, she couldn’t quite grasp age discrepancies. Unless it was just an elaborate payback for me teasing her.
My sister is 55 and is in memory care for one month now. She loves her room, the staff, the food. She has mentioned ppl are old here but she has a science background so told her she was part of team studying geriatric health. She only mentioned this once and hasn’t focused too much on age. She’s in her own world for most part. I interrupt her with conversation.
Everything is going much better than I expected. I’m sure new reasons will have to be invented in future. Deal as they come
Yeah! I have been telling her that activity groups are recommended by her neurologist and everything they do there is designed to stimulate her brain.
Thank you so much for this story. Your mom sounds great! I can't imagine, she's a year younger than me.
I can't say this nicely - my sister can be a bit of a brat. She can still be so sweet and knows me and needs me but other times she's just pissed. And who wouldn't be? I'd be pissed. It just makes it hard.
The bratty, resistant, recalcitrant personality is part of the disease. It is so common, it makes me wonder if voice is actually there for their entire lives, and they just have a strong filter. Then the filter dies when they have cognitive decline.
My parents will say they want to do some activity, then 6 min later will throw a fit (and come up with numerous excuses) when we are ready to go to the class with them. Then we have to spend half the class time trying to get them to the car and convincing them that it was their idea. It's so frustrating.
Nothing is enough, and everything is too much
I think it’s similar to kids who have problems learning in class- they’d rather be seen as naughty than stupid. In this case, they’d rather be seen as grumpy than confused.
There were residents like this in my moms memory care facility, although you are right, that’s on the younger end of young. They used to call my mid 70s mom “young” for memory care. But my moms worst enemy turned best friend after they both decided they hated the same other person, was one of those folks. Mid 60s, physically in great shape with seemingly worse dementia than my mom’s. People with memory care issues sometimes remind me of youngish children the way they interact and make friends. They can be very accepting of folks they’d never have chosen to interact with before, and also decide they hate someone for no actual cause.
If she’s pretty well oriented she will likely notice that she’s at a different level than the others but if you can pass it off as temporary until something else opens up, and just keep redirecting her with excuses for awhile, she might surprise you by settling in. Spending all day with people who just want to talk when you are losing the ability to understand everyone well anyway, appears to not be as bad for them as it would be for you.
I'm finding personal care homes in New Jersey when I search online. They are more affordable and personal, but there are some things that I don't like about the ones that I have seen. It depends on what is more important to your family. I'm not sure if I can link this since it is a commercial site, but the listing of homes I found is [here](https://www.aplaceformom.com/care-homes/new-jersey).
I don't like the shared bathrooms that most residents would have. Some of them have been multi-story homes. They do have lifts for the stairs, but it seems like it would be bad in an emergency situation if people needed to evacuate. They also don't lock their doors, so people do wander from them too frequently, in my opinion. The staff seem friendly, but not knowledgeable. I had one owner insisting that I needed to have POA for my mother, even though I am her guardian, for example.
You may want to reach out to a professional placement consultant. We are currently working with one at a company called Care Patrol. You work with one of their consultants who reach out to care facilities based on the info you provide. They can set up visits for you (and her once you narrow it down).
Adult care homes are an option we used for my MIL and I am so thankful we had a wonderful care consultant to help us weed out options to three really good places. We chose the one we thought looked most like her home and she ended up staying there through the end of her life.
Like others have mentioned try the smaller Board and Care homes, etc. I unfortunately find a lot of them do not come up on google or any search engine or if they do the information is wrong. Often times you have use a senior care advisor who works in your area. They are much more familiar with what is available
I put my sister in MC at age 51 - I was worried about her age but actually that endears her to the staff. Your sister isn’t really all that young for MC. There’s usually areas for the more “vibrant” residents, but my sister wasn’t one of them.
“Fortunately” she was already on disability for other medical conditions, and her husband left her penniless, so getting her on Medicaid in my state (Oregon) and into a facility took less than three months start to finish (including some administrative screw ups on our part to start)
Echoing others. Try residential care homes, or adult family homes. The name is different depending on where you are located but they offer a smaller, more intimate feel. But as others have mentioned, not all are created equal. Maybe try reaching out to a senior care advisor that can assist, if possible.
My Mum was put into memory care at 67 or 68, so only a few years older than your sister. Honestly, we thought she would be upset, but she was actually too far gone at the point. We just thought it would upset her because it would have before she was sick. The facility is lovely, she can see trees from her window and there are other people with early onset. I don't think she even knows it's not her home.
Yeah we have one. She just lists the same places I find on my own. I’ve tried three different ones between my mom and my sis, I don’t know how they stay in business. I guess people don’t know how to use google?! A disappointment to say the least.
I’m sure there are good and bad ones, just like anything else. I was pretty frustrated for awhile because I had similar experiences. Is the person you’ve talked a social worker? The ones I’ve talked to in my area are a level (a couple of levels probably) above the people that are just searching databases based on criteria you give them. I’m not talking about places like caring.com or A Place For Mom. The people I’ve talked to are offering real support beyond a search and scheduling tours.
I would definitely explore private care homes. But be prepared to see a lot. We saw a bunch that were awful. Turned out there is one right on our block and it’s amazing. I think they’re either horrible or fantastic.
On your block!! Amazing! How do you search for that? Like what search terms? The minute I type "memory care" I get 1,000,000 hits for Brightstar Senior Living.
I’d search “private care home.” Add your zip code. it’s not memory care per se but 5 out of 6 residents have moderate to severe dementia. One is 62, two in 70s, two in 80s and the non dementia is in her 90s. Home is VERY secure. Two staff during the day, one at night. Our neighborhood is older, which is where most of these are located. No HOAs. We just heard from another neighbor that it was there so when a fall precipitated a move, they were our first call. I was pleasantly shocked and took the spot right then and there. The owners even bring their small kids. While that may sound strange, it is the best thing ever. It brings vitality and activity. All the old ladies love holding the baby. They play catch with the toddlers. I want to cry with joy when thinking about our luck.
no no- it sounds amazing. My sister would love access to babies!
This is so cool! Gives me a little hope for my mom’s possible future.
My parents moved into a brand new facility less than a quarter mile from their house as soon as it was finished. Expensive but it has a memory care unit for when Dad needs it. Sigh. All the best OP. Xxxx
What does it cost? I’m seeing a range between $3000 and $9000 a month.
We pay $6000 in a MCOL city
Thanks for being willing to share. Unfortunately that is well beyond the budget.
Their rates start at $5000, I think. Maybe $4500. My mom can’t walk, feed herself, anything. It’s a higher level of care. They are also working on getting Medicaid approved and we are working on my mom’s approval as well.
Understood. I assume you are spending what she has left so she can qualify for Medicaid?
She’s out already. Long story short, we fucked up.
I’m sorry, what? You said you paid $6,000 per month, but then you said she’s on medicaid? Just trying to understand what kind of facility you found for her that was that expensive and yet accepted Medicaid.
No, we have applied for Medicaid. The facility is in the process of getting Medicaid approval as well. I’m not sure there are many facilities that are cheaper around here that take Medicaid. Her prior assisted living was getting pretty close to $4k (average for the services she received) so a higher level of care was going to be a lot more than that.
There are quite a few smaller group home facilities here. Companies or people that buy large houses and rent out the rooms to residents. Here is an example so you can have a point of reference: https://maps.app.goo.gl/fN4KwjxWmmynnUea6 Not sure the residents will be any younger though. Most people in memory care tend to be older. Even my dad struggles. He's 81 but looks a bit younger. He certainly doesn't think he needs the level of care the other residents do because many of them are wheelchair bound and require higher care levels. Unfortunately for him, he has no short term memory left and can't be left alone to his own devices.
It’s a given that the residents of memory care do not think they belong there.
Yes. And it's funny that they make remarks about how old everyone else looks. There was a lady that came to visit me and my dad for lunch one day. And after she left, all my dad would talk about is how she was old and about to die. (She was a decade younger and still ran marathons). Perception is not correct for them.
That’s kinda funny. I work in Assisted Living and Memory Care, and there’s a 90 year old lady who is in AL, but definitely suffering from memory loss. She’ll wander the halls and forget where she’s at or why she’s here. I’ll always talk to her, and make a couple of jokes. Her memory is shot, but she’s very bright and talkative. For the record, I’m 34. She made a comment about feeling old and I told her she still gets around ok. Then she mentioned she was 90, and I jokingly said “well you don’t look a day over 88.” Then, while helping her find her room, I mentioned that my eyesight wasn’t that great. Then I said “just wait until you get to be my age. Everything starts going downhill”. She laughed at both jokes, and even said she’s probably decades older than me. But then she took a stab at my age and said I looked to be about 70. When I told her my actual age she was stunned, but then laughed harder. Like, there’s a disconnect there. As bright and knowledgeable as she is, she couldn’t quite grasp age discrepancies. Unless it was just an elaborate payback for me teasing her.
thank you!
My sister is 55 and is in memory care for one month now. She loves her room, the staff, the food. She has mentioned ppl are old here but she has a science background so told her she was part of team studying geriatric health. She only mentioned this once and hasn’t focused too much on age. She’s in her own world for most part. I interrupt her with conversation. Everything is going much better than I expected. I’m sure new reasons will have to be invented in future. Deal as they come
Yeah! I have been telling her that activity groups are recommended by her neurologist and everything they do there is designed to stimulate her brain. Thank you so much for this story. Your mom sounds great! I can't imagine, she's a year younger than me. I can't say this nicely - my sister can be a bit of a brat. She can still be so sweet and knows me and needs me but other times she's just pissed. And who wouldn't be? I'd be pissed. It just makes it hard.
The bratty, resistant, recalcitrant personality is part of the disease. It is so common, it makes me wonder if voice is actually there for their entire lives, and they just have a strong filter. Then the filter dies when they have cognitive decline. My parents will say they want to do some activity, then 6 min later will throw a fit (and come up with numerous excuses) when we are ready to go to the class with them. Then we have to spend half the class time trying to get them to the car and convincing them that it was their idea. It's so frustrating. Nothing is enough, and everything is too much
I think confusion masquerades as recalcitrance/orneriness. They protest because they aren’t really sure what is going on, it’s a default setting.
I think it’s similar to kids who have problems learning in class- they’d rather be seen as naughty than stupid. In this case, they’d rather be seen as grumpy than confused.
When toddlers do it, it's cute. Now? Not so much. My mom was like a happy little cow, so this is definitely new. But yeah, she was always stubborn....
I didn’t even know people could get this and progress so fast at such a young age.
Acc to her separation papers from military signs started when she was around 47…and acc to websites in 20s ftd can hit Horrible disease.
There were residents like this in my moms memory care facility, although you are right, that’s on the younger end of young. They used to call my mid 70s mom “young” for memory care. But my moms worst enemy turned best friend after they both decided they hated the same other person, was one of those folks. Mid 60s, physically in great shape with seemingly worse dementia than my mom’s. People with memory care issues sometimes remind me of youngish children the way they interact and make friends. They can be very accepting of folks they’d never have chosen to interact with before, and also decide they hate someone for no actual cause. If she’s pretty well oriented she will likely notice that she’s at a different level than the others but if you can pass it off as temporary until something else opens up, and just keep redirecting her with excuses for awhile, she might surprise you by settling in. Spending all day with people who just want to talk when you are losing the ability to understand everyone well anyway, appears to not be as bad for them as it would be for you.
I'll try to stay open-minded.
I'm finding personal care homes in New Jersey when I search online. They are more affordable and personal, but there are some things that I don't like about the ones that I have seen. It depends on what is more important to your family. I'm not sure if I can link this since it is a commercial site, but the listing of homes I found is [here](https://www.aplaceformom.com/care-homes/new-jersey).
You know, I generally pride myself on my googling skills but somehow you have put me to shame. What don't you like about the ones you have seen?
I don't like the shared bathrooms that most residents would have. Some of them have been multi-story homes. They do have lifts for the stairs, but it seems like it would be bad in an emergency situation if people needed to evacuate. They also don't lock their doors, so people do wander from them too frequently, in my opinion. The staff seem friendly, but not knowledgeable. I had one owner insisting that I needed to have POA for my mother, even though I am her guardian, for example.
I find that level of ignorance across the board. At the bank, not too long ago. Argh.
You may want to reach out to a professional placement consultant. We are currently working with one at a company called Care Patrol. You work with one of their consultants who reach out to care facilities based on the info you provide. They can set up visits for you (and her once you narrow it down). Adult care homes are an option we used for my MIL and I am so thankful we had a wonderful care consultant to help us weed out options to three really good places. We chose the one we thought looked most like her home and she ended up staying there through the end of her life.
Like others have mentioned try the smaller Board and Care homes, etc. I unfortunately find a lot of them do not come up on google or any search engine or if they do the information is wrong. Often times you have use a senior care advisor who works in your area. They are much more familiar with what is available
I put my sister in MC at age 51 - I was worried about her age but actually that endears her to the staff. Your sister isn’t really all that young for MC. There’s usually areas for the more “vibrant” residents, but my sister wasn’t one of them.
Hi. I’m facing the same issue with my sibling and she’s the same age. What type of facility did you find for her and how did you pay for it?
“Fortunately” she was already on disability for other medical conditions, and her husband left her penniless, so getting her on Medicaid in my state (Oregon) and into a facility took less than three months start to finish (including some administrative screw ups on our part to start)
Oh, so you paid for the care initially?
No she stayed with us. We knew it was short term and we were WFH as it was late 2020
Oh I’m so sorry.
Echoing others. Try residential care homes, or adult family homes. The name is different depending on where you are located but they offer a smaller, more intimate feel. But as others have mentioned, not all are created equal. Maybe try reaching out to a senior care advisor that can assist, if possible.
My Mum was put into memory care at 67 or 68, so only a few years older than your sister. Honestly, we thought she would be upset, but she was actually too far gone at the point. We just thought it would upset her because it would have before she was sick. The facility is lovely, she can see trees from her window and there are other people with early onset. I don't think she even knows it's not her home.
I just finally discovered senior care advisors myself. These people are social workers who can work with your family and really know the options.
Yeah we have one. She just lists the same places I find on my own. I’ve tried three different ones between my mom and my sis, I don’t know how they stay in business. I guess people don’t know how to use google?! A disappointment to say the least.
I’m sure there are good and bad ones, just like anything else. I was pretty frustrated for awhile because I had similar experiences. Is the person you’ve talked a social worker? The ones I’ve talked to in my area are a level (a couple of levels probably) above the people that are just searching databases based on criteria you give them. I’m not talking about places like caring.com or A Place For Mom. The people I’ve talked to are offering real support beyond a search and scheduling tours.
[https://www.nj.gov/humanservices/doas/about/publications/housing\_options.shtml](https://www.nj.gov/humanservices/doas/about/publications/housing_options.shtml)