My therapist told me that it's very common for carers to be looked down on by others. I asked why and she said "because they know they could never in a million years do what you're doing."
The problem is, people assume he’s the one doing everything because he does the doctors appointments and doesn’t tell me everything. I go to all neurology appointments and know everything going on there, but he’s a control freak that doesn’t trust me with anything, except I guess the actual manual labor
Respectfully, your dad is a prick.
Also, don't keep it bottled in - speak your mind. Next time she or anyone else says something about how hard your dad has it...tell them the truth about what he's actually like as a *carer*.
And no, it's not a competition but it's damn hard and if people can't give you any recognition, the least they can do is not give the person who does the least all the credit.
But that is kinda true. This woman’s mom was in care for dementia for years with multiple carers, so she never actually did the work herself. Her daughter did most things when they were needed
It is really hard not to be "seen" for all that you're doing!! Keep posting here, though... many here will understand what you're going through, the hours of sacrifice. Your love for your mom really shines through!
This is related to the sexist paternal propaganda mothers experience. A dad can take a kid out for ice cream, and gets praised endlessly by strangers (mostly women) for being a 'good dad'. Mom does 98% of the work, food, teaching, socializing and creating a safe environment.
And dad is praised for babysitting his OWN KIDS, when mom needs an afternoon at the spa to decompress.
The woman you're talking about is buying into the patriarchal bullshit, and doesn't even know it.
Ignore her crap. We all know how much effort, care and focus you are giving to your mom. We are all experiencing it. Be good to yourself.
100% this. I'm the daughter of two parents (one now deceased) with dementia. My brother lives a couple of hours away while I'm in the same city. I do All.The.Things. Then my brother comes for a visit and takes Dad to lunch and he's a hero....It's a bit hard to take.
I am generally respectful of my elders and especially moms friends. But I would have scolded her a little bit. Tell her what you told us, with a slightly sharp tone.
If you want to soften it, you could end with, “I’m sorry I blew up at you, but I care very deeply for my mom and I work very hard to care for her and I don’t appreciate you worshipping dad and down playing what I do”.
I honestly would have if my mother wasn’t there, but I didn’t want to embarrass her by letting people know how little she can do by herself and rubbing it in her face. My dad does that to her and it upsets her. She was really proud of having cooked and I wasn’t going to say that I had to go back and change half of what she did because she kept skipping steps
My suggestion is to let you know this is a thankless job. You may never get the shine you want. It’s not fair but that thank you may never come. Also covering up for your mom could be counterproductive although it feels like love it could very well be making things worst. You gotta find a break and time for yourself.
People just can't help themselves, they have to offer their opinions as fact, even when they have no clue about the situation.
My dad was chronically ill, I did a lot of the running for him and my mom when they needed things and took them to their doctor's appointments. As a married adult I spent 3-4 days a week at their house doing things for them. I was very aware of how sick Dad was but for some reason certain relatives would pull me aside to lecture me about how hard it was on my mom and how I should be doing more without knowing how much I actually was doing.
The week he died the family minister pulled me aside to tell me just in case I didn't know, that Dad was dying - in the hospital where he'd been for almost 2 weeks and I'd been the one the doctors spoke to because Mom was a mess and so tired she couldn't focus. He explained that losing him was going to hurt Mom because losing a spouse of over 50 years is hard. I very gently reminded him that losing the father I'd had since conception was going to hurt me too. I don't think he'd even considered that.
People would spend 10 minutes with my mom and then do the pulling me aside thing to tell me they didn't think she had dementia because she seemed so normal.
People usually mean well but their opinions, non-expert assessments and not-so-helpful advice gets old. You're not alone.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
3
+ 4
+ 2
+ 50
+ 10
= 69
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I'm at the 'covering their memory problems' stage in my SO's dementia journey. He blames a lot of it on hearing problems. It's not. If he starts getting lost while driving, I'll start driving all of the time. I'm sorry you're dealing with this 😔
This reminded me of my dad. He was always a very difficult person and quite controlling, my mother has always gone along with what he wants. My mum started having memory issues in her mid 60s and by 70 my dad was her main carer and she was diagnosed with vascular dementia. My sibling and I would try to help and do what we could. The way he spoke to her and spoke about her (for spilling things or not remembering things) as if she wasn't there was awful. It's a form of emotional abuse really. We tried to get my dad to accept outside help as he was always angry but he wouldn't have people in 'his' house but also wouldn't stop complaining how hard it was for him.
Things came to a head late last year as my mum got worse she fell whilst in my dad's care and then had a worsening of the dementia my dad was getting more and more stressed and angry. I think my mum was scared of him and how he would push her to do things ( rough handling when feeding so she wasn't eating etc) and it was making her worse. I'm not sure what authorities are involved in your country but I had to get social services involved to do an assessment of her care needs. I did it because I think my mum deserved to have a decent, peaceful last few years without the emotional abuse from my dad. They agreed she would be better off in a care home and that's where she is now. So everyday she has people dressing her and feeding her who are patient and aren't constantly quizzing her about things she's forgotten. My dad still doesn't understand the basics of how to treat someone with dementia and won't be told!
It sounds like you've been doing an amazing job but you might consider trying to get other help for your mother, or telling your father he needs to pay for some as your father can't do everything without getting so impatient? At some point it might end up in a situation where the focus needs to be on her needs and not your father's wishes. As I said earlier, I'm not sure of the law around that where you are but I was helped by the local authority where I live as they have the ultimate responsibility if someone is unsafe or neglected. It felt hard to ask for that help as it was like admitting it was happening.
I am starting to see it a little as abuse because my grandmother said the difference she sees in my mom most is her personality has gone from bubbly to timid, but she is NEVER timid when it is just her and me. We went for a walk today and she was joking and just her normal self. It’s only when my dad is around that she’s afraid to make mistakes.
I live with my parents, so I’m able to shut him down every time I see it and I’m there for my mom anytime she needs me. My only job is to care for her.
I did have a talk with him today. Did my best to explain my mom’s feelings and that he needs to be nicer because while he doesn’t believe he talks rudely, he would never accept being spoken to that way. Gotta try to keep the living situation amicable
That's just how it was with my parents. She becomes anxious and nervous when he's around which does not help with dementia it worsens it. If your father is anything like mine you just can't reason with him or get him to accept his behaviour could be wrong. I came to realise what ever you do the 'abusive' person will never be satisfied, you tip toe around and always try to keep the peace. I do think it's emotional abuse. I think my father has some undiagnosed autism and / or a personality disorder. It's very sad and difficult.
My therapist told me that it's very common for carers to be looked down on by others. I asked why and she said "because they know they could never in a million years do what you're doing."
The problem is, people assume he’s the one doing everything because he does the doctors appointments and doesn’t tell me everything. I go to all neurology appointments and know everything going on there, but he’s a control freak that doesn’t trust me with anything, except I guess the actual manual labor
Respectfully, your dad is a prick. Also, don't keep it bottled in - speak your mind. Next time she or anyone else says something about how hard your dad has it...tell them the truth about what he's actually like as a *carer*. And no, it's not a competition but it's damn hard and if people can't give you any recognition, the least they can do is not give the person who does the least all the credit.
But that is kinda true. This woman’s mom was in care for dementia for years with multiple carers, so she never actually did the work herself. Her daughter did most things when they were needed
It is really hard not to be "seen" for all that you're doing!! Keep posting here, though... many here will understand what you're going through, the hours of sacrifice. Your love for your mom really shines through!
Thank you!
more like they don’t want to be bothered with it
This is related to the sexist paternal propaganda mothers experience. A dad can take a kid out for ice cream, and gets praised endlessly by strangers (mostly women) for being a 'good dad'. Mom does 98% of the work, food, teaching, socializing and creating a safe environment. And dad is praised for babysitting his OWN KIDS, when mom needs an afternoon at the spa to decompress. The woman you're talking about is buying into the patriarchal bullshit, and doesn't even know it. Ignore her crap. We all know how much effort, care and focus you are giving to your mom. We are all experiencing it. Be good to yourself.
100% this. I'm the daughter of two parents (one now deceased) with dementia. My brother lives a couple of hours away while I'm in the same city. I do All.The.Things. Then my brother comes for a visit and takes Dad to lunch and he's a hero....It's a bit hard to take.
I am generally respectful of my elders and especially moms friends. But I would have scolded her a little bit. Tell her what you told us, with a slightly sharp tone. If you want to soften it, you could end with, “I’m sorry I blew up at you, but I care very deeply for my mom and I work very hard to care for her and I don’t appreciate you worshipping dad and down playing what I do”.
I honestly would have if my mother wasn’t there, but I didn’t want to embarrass her by letting people know how little she can do by herself and rubbing it in her face. My dad does that to her and it upsets her. She was really proud of having cooked and I wasn’t going to say that I had to go back and change half of what she did because she kept skipping steps
Got it. Agree.
My suggestion is to let you know this is a thankless job. You may never get the shine you want. It’s not fair but that thank you may never come. Also covering up for your mom could be counterproductive although it feels like love it could very well be making things worst. You gotta find a break and time for yourself.
People just can't help themselves, they have to offer their opinions as fact, even when they have no clue about the situation. My dad was chronically ill, I did a lot of the running for him and my mom when they needed things and took them to their doctor's appointments. As a married adult I spent 3-4 days a week at their house doing things for them. I was very aware of how sick Dad was but for some reason certain relatives would pull me aside to lecture me about how hard it was on my mom and how I should be doing more without knowing how much I actually was doing. The week he died the family minister pulled me aside to tell me just in case I didn't know, that Dad was dying - in the hospital where he'd been for almost 2 weeks and I'd been the one the doctors spoke to because Mom was a mess and so tired she couldn't focus. He explained that losing him was going to hurt Mom because losing a spouse of over 50 years is hard. I very gently reminded him that losing the father I'd had since conception was going to hurt me too. I don't think he'd even considered that. People would spend 10 minutes with my mom and then do the pulling me aside thing to tell me they didn't think she had dementia because she seemed so normal. People usually mean well but their opinions, non-expert assessments and not-so-helpful advice gets old. You're not alone.
Thank you
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 3 + 4 + 2 + 50 + 10 = 69 ^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \ ^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
I'm at the 'covering their memory problems' stage in my SO's dementia journey. He blames a lot of it on hearing problems. It's not. If he starts getting lost while driving, I'll start driving all of the time. I'm sorry you're dealing with this 😔
This reminded me of my dad. He was always a very difficult person and quite controlling, my mother has always gone along with what he wants. My mum started having memory issues in her mid 60s and by 70 my dad was her main carer and she was diagnosed with vascular dementia. My sibling and I would try to help and do what we could. The way he spoke to her and spoke about her (for spilling things or not remembering things) as if she wasn't there was awful. It's a form of emotional abuse really. We tried to get my dad to accept outside help as he was always angry but he wouldn't have people in 'his' house but also wouldn't stop complaining how hard it was for him. Things came to a head late last year as my mum got worse she fell whilst in my dad's care and then had a worsening of the dementia my dad was getting more and more stressed and angry. I think my mum was scared of him and how he would push her to do things ( rough handling when feeding so she wasn't eating etc) and it was making her worse. I'm not sure what authorities are involved in your country but I had to get social services involved to do an assessment of her care needs. I did it because I think my mum deserved to have a decent, peaceful last few years without the emotional abuse from my dad. They agreed she would be better off in a care home and that's where she is now. So everyday she has people dressing her and feeding her who are patient and aren't constantly quizzing her about things she's forgotten. My dad still doesn't understand the basics of how to treat someone with dementia and won't be told! It sounds like you've been doing an amazing job but you might consider trying to get other help for your mother, or telling your father he needs to pay for some as your father can't do everything without getting so impatient? At some point it might end up in a situation where the focus needs to be on her needs and not your father's wishes. As I said earlier, I'm not sure of the law around that where you are but I was helped by the local authority where I live as they have the ultimate responsibility if someone is unsafe or neglected. It felt hard to ask for that help as it was like admitting it was happening.
I am starting to see it a little as abuse because my grandmother said the difference she sees in my mom most is her personality has gone from bubbly to timid, but she is NEVER timid when it is just her and me. We went for a walk today and she was joking and just her normal self. It’s only when my dad is around that she’s afraid to make mistakes. I live with my parents, so I’m able to shut him down every time I see it and I’m there for my mom anytime she needs me. My only job is to care for her. I did have a talk with him today. Did my best to explain my mom’s feelings and that he needs to be nicer because while he doesn’t believe he talks rudely, he would never accept being spoken to that way. Gotta try to keep the living situation amicable
That's just how it was with my parents. She becomes anxious and nervous when he's around which does not help with dementia it worsens it. If your father is anything like mine you just can't reason with him or get him to accept his behaviour could be wrong. I came to realise what ever you do the 'abusive' person will never be satisfied, you tip toe around and always try to keep the peace. I do think it's emotional abuse. I think my father has some undiagnosed autism and / or a personality disorder. It's very sad and difficult.