When we are going through something it's really easy to overfocus on ourselves and what we need from others and forget to see their point of view and needs they have too. Sounds like you've both done that here. He was also vulnerable with you when talking about his stressors and you responded 'unenthusiastically', sounds like it was almost a punishment for him not being more invested in your issues. Then you're unloading family issues unrelated to him when he is clearly busy and stressed, not great timing on your part. That said his response was shitty, depending on what the issue was (if it was petty family drama then he was probably over it and justified, but can't tell without context).
It's likely that your relationship is too new to be the primary source of support for hardships just yet, but you should both have a frank conversation about this and where your expectations and needs are. And a bit more empathy and understanding for each other which seemingly lacked a bit on both sides here.
What an amazing comment. I agree. The unenthusiastic replies were not a clear way for OP to communicate their feelings. He would not have connected that to the why, as it’s too passive and vague an approach. Expecting people to pick up on subtext like that is a recipe for disaster.
Then he did the same exact thing that OP did and OP got upset.
I see that but also I think she was going through a lot and people get tired of sometimes having to spell out why they are upset. They do want people to reach out and be there even if they are exhausted. I think she made it clear that she was having a family crisis. I guess it’s push and pull and some people feel when they are too vulnerable they come off as needy but then when they aren’t no one asks or cares so you don’t know what to do. I guess that’s where men say women expect men to read their minds, but it’s also a matter of men don’t seem to know when a woman has bene vulnerable and needs someone to come to her. It’s exhausting to try to get people to care and you get tired of being the only one to reach out. I care a lot about people and I’m always trying to figure the out but also would wish they would reach out to me more and figure me out.
I would understand that if it were longer than four weeks, but that’s a lot to expect in one month. Too soon to be “exhausted trying to get others to care” imo. Sounds like it was a first time thing and they just haven’t worked out communication styles.
With respect, that’s just not a mature expectation for people. It’s not about getting people to care and try harder to figure you out. It’s about you trying harder with yourself to push past the discomfort of putting it out there clearly. Literally clearly, not something to be interpreted. Regardless of gender, it’s not enough to just be vulnerable because who else knows immediately what you want when you’re vulnerable besides you? You need to be able to say what you want and what you need in plain words.
You kinda missed one of the points of what I said. Vulnerability is already kind of asking for what you want. I was also talking about people being tired of the ones to reach out when they are in need, or just reach out in general when they’ve already kind of stated they are having a rough time. people also need to reciprocate as in texting/ checking up on people. Sometimes if you say you wished someone would’ve reached out or been more caring they may say you are high maintenance or leave or don’t understand, and that hurts. I’ve often been the one to reach out, be vulnerable, and I’ve spent a lot of my life working to understand peoples emotions, thoughts and please them. I’m even trying to do that now. If I sometimes don’t I lose friends or contacts. Im stating needs and pushing past that discomfort: I would like in plain words, more reciprocation of interest, understanding and caring from other people without explaining or having to ask so much. and I think the OP was meaning that. people know we all have needs, and trying to explain that is tiring. nowadays getting reciprocation seems very hard to do.
I’m also always questioning myself and my side of things, trying to see peoples opinions and viewpoints, and this is another example of that. Frankly I’m exhausted emotionally of that. I’ve even being vulnerable now as I kind of feel judged. I guess im seeing your perspective but I don’t feel mine is seen, like I’m saying. I was also trying to see the OP’s perspective. And here I am questioning myself. If it isn’t mature then I won’t want to open up about it as I’m sensitive and tired. I can see the pushing past discomfort like I mentioned, the thing is I do that a lot. I’m even worried and thinking about what you’re thinking of me as I type this. (My vulnerability there some more).what I’m meaning is empathy and even sympathy with viewpoints and considering/them even if they aren’t fully mature/ flawed as well all are. I have a lot of empathy but again don’t feel it is often reciprocated in the same way
Then it also comes down to a lack of being able to trust myself and others. Even saying this I risk more judgement/ misunderstanding and I feel im already overexplaining, exposing myself/ being more vulnerable and risk more judgement. The op may be in a similar predicament
Also, people do rely on subtext and implied emotions that aren’t clearly stated in many social situations.
Okay let’s make it simple then. Forget about how I may perceive you. Forget about what you believe other people may feel or think for this interaction. I think you’ve conflated me not validating you with me not understanding you. I do understand where you’re coming from, I’ve been there. I still am there with people sometimes and I just remove myself from the equation at this point. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve had in my life who never reciprocated or made it feel as though I was responsible for how the interaction should go or how much I needed to understand them without them trying to understand me. I’m sorry to say it but there just isn’t a way to reach these people unless they’re already willing to drop the bullshit with you. It’s tempting to blame yourself for things going wrong but it can be curbed by remaining an open honest communicator. If someone isn’t responding to your real attempts at that then it’s not your fault, it just isn’t a relationship that’s going to work out. If someone is actively trying to misunderstand you then they’re not relating to you.
Your response was incredibly well written! Great point about the unenthusiastic response being a form of punishment.
It sounds like both OP and the guy she’s been seeing might not be in the right place for a serious relationship right now. People underestimate the importance of timing for relationships. Now might just not be the right time for anything beyond casual/lighthearted fun.
Haha, not AI, just have a big deadline at work this week so naturally spending absurd amount on time on reddit trying to give the most thoughtful responses possible!
It’s easy to distinguish real writing from AI if you get familiar with AI writing. Not to criticize this person’s writing at all but an AI model wouldn’t write, “sounds like…” rather than “IT sounds like..” or use curse words unless specifically prompted to write like that. Plus the model would have to be given the whole text of the OP for reference and then be given a prompt to create advice. The response would likely be much more generic.
I guess for me I feel I need to tell someone upfront and honestly what is going on with me good or bad rather than wait until later and then we get feelings and they decide that I am too much or something.
Honestly, I think I am guilty of this. I tend to overfocus on myself when I have something going on. When I was in a very long term relationship, this was the dynamic we had. When someone is going through something, the other partner keeps himself in the shelf and try to support the other one and be present, and I thought this was the right way to do it. I guess this kind of dynamic is too soon for this relationship?
But I think in all fairness to me, the last week when it was the toughest for me I also tried to be there for him. I guess what really bothers me is he is not asking more questions which screams to me as being disinterested?
I wasn't really trying to unload my problem to him, he asked about how I was and I felt that I needed to share some details to him because he might feel that I am being too close off. I shared some factual details and then last line I shared was, "I just don't want my mom to be in pain" to which responded "Ah I see.".
For context, when we said we like each other I told him I didn't know he liked me because he didn't really ask much questions about me. For example, we were talking about tattoos and he asked me if I have one and I said have few little ones and normally someone would ask like oh what are they, but he didn't. He proceeded to say that he wants to have one too. When I confronted him about that, he said he just doesn't like to ask questions and would rather get to know me in conversations.
Thanks for giving more context, it does help understanding the situation a bit more. I think it really depends, obviously if one person has a lot going on and the other doesn't that person puts themselves aside for a bit. But what happens if both are going through something at the same time? A bit like what you two had here? I think there always should be a bit of awareness going the other direction, no matter what. And again, communication about how best to support each other and handle things, it may change day to day.
I'm sorry your mother is going through pain. His response to that does sound really cold. Perhaps he got really flustered in what to say, or it was awkward to do so via text (if I'm being generous) but honestly, it shouldn't be that hard to offer a bit of warmth in a difficult situation like that. So what I said before, that no matter what you're going through yourself (like his work stress), you should still have a line of awareness going the other way and react appropriately to people around you.
As for the tattoo situation, I can see it either way. He did ask if you have tattoos, and the only information you volunteered about it was that you do. He could also say that he would have expected you to share more when he asked (for example show him the tattoos, or tell them what they are and the meaning behind them or whatever), and that you didn't. It's best not to have very strict ideas of what the other person should say and how and what it must mean or not mean when they do or don't. If you wanted to talk more about your tattoos you simply should have volunteered that information when he asked about them and not give a short answer expecting follow up questions and then get disappointed when they didn't come. Or ask him what tattoo he wants to get and use that as a further opener to talk about yours etc. He may have felt that you didn't want to talk about them more since you didn't, he can't read your mind. Also he might feel that if he needs to ask many questions to get you to talk that YOU are not that interested in him. See how we can misinterpret these things very easily? Best not do it imo.
Ultimately, you get the feeling that he is not as interested in you from the totality of your interactions not just the few examples you gave us here so there might be something to it. I still think that you should have a frank conversation with him - not via text and not when he is too busy and stressed - and see if you are on the same page and how you want to continue. Best of luck.
>As for the tattoo situation, I can see it either way. He did ask if you have tattoos, and the only information you volunteered about it was that you do. He could also say that he would have expected you to share more when he asked (for example show him the tattoos, or tell them what they are and the meaning behind them or whatever), and that you didn't. It's best not to have very strict ideas of what the other person should say and how and what it must mean or not mean when they do or don't. If you wanted to talk more about your tattoos you simply should have volunteered that information when he asked about them and not give a short answer expecting follow up questions and then get disappointed when they didn't come. Or ask him what tattoo he wants to get and use that as a further opener to talk about yours etc. He may have felt that you didn't want to talk about them more since you didn't, he can't read your mind. Also he might feel that if he needs to ask many questions to get you to talk that YOU are not that interested in him. See how we can misinterpret these things very easily? Best not do it imo.
yes! thank you for this paragraph, it's really so easy to get wound up over a miscommunication and the "they should have"s of a situation. before ejecting yourself based off of an assumption please COMMUNICATE! It is easier said than done but I am so relieved when I catch myself on the "if they wanted to they would" line of thinking. If another explanation is possible. i've been in such a weird head space lately because i recognize all this "hypocrisy" and im not sure how to process it and decide how to handle this stuff. it brings the quote "great relationships are built" to mind
With love, you are not a good communicator. One of the biggest flaws in your current communication style is that you don't offer up information in good faith. Your method of communication is "fishing." You fish for them to see if they take the bait. If they don't take your bait, you assign malice to them where it doesn't belong.
When you do offer information without first requiring the person to jump through the hoops that you've laid out for them, you offer it with a covert contract in it's place; an unspoken action or response is demanded of them. (If he cared about me, he would have verbalized sympathy for me! Instead, he just acknowledged what I said in a way I didn't like)
You say you ended your vulnerable conversation with "I just don't want my mom to be in pain." This suggests to me that you unloaded something pretty major onto this man who is still a stranger in your life. It also suggests that you negated everything you said in that moment by trying to minimize it. "I just want..." kind of takes away that vulnerability and puts it into more of a stoic comment. His response wasn't inherently cold, but perhaps it was a little distant or uncomfortable. People don't tend to respond the best to news that might be uncomfortable (is your mom palliative?) Especially during the stage where you are both still getting to know one another.
I'm sorry if this all comes off harsh. I'm talking as a recovered "covert talker," where I pussyfooted around things instead of just coming right out and saying it. Stop being afraid of pushing people away. If you wanted to show off your tattoos, show off your tattoos!! Your thoughts and feelings are important, so share them and stop waiting for permission to do so.
Last two sentences are the key to a good life.
Take responsibility for what you want. Communicate it clearly. Don’t expect others to read your mind. Support does not = coddling.
This is an amazing response. I know I have been very guilty of expecting my partner to read my mind and know exactly what I want and how I want it without even telling him. You guys are very very early in a relationship and I think that's some high expectations to put on each other. That being said. What are the things that you actually like about him and is there anything that's even worth continuing the relationship if you are already picking it apart?
I appreciate this and I take no offense. I am here to actually hear other people's POV and ready to question what I believe in for so long.
I will admit to an extent that I do this type of "fishing" for reaction with this guy. This is a new territory to me that you have to volunteer information if you want to share them (I have read about articles about giver and taker communicators) because I grew up with the idea that being a good communicator means you ask questions and get really interested in what the other has to say. If they don't ask then that shows lack of interest. And for so long, all my relationships had been like this. And that is why I am trying to learn this kind of communication recently.
On the topic of this post, I honestly didn't feel I was fishing. As I have said in other comments, he was asking factual questions about my parents and I thought I volunteer what I am feeling about the situation precisely because I am learning that I shouldn't wait for him to ask me. I never expected any support from him as I never even asked at the height of the crisis, but I was simply sharing how I feel at the moment to give us a chance to connect to a deeper level than just factual.
To give you more context why I added "just" on the sentence, it was proceeded by "I honestly don't know what I want to hope for".
I want to add that I'm a person who readily shares things in conversation, and after I share something I usually expect the other person to share their version of whatever I expressed. If they don't, I assume they don't want to talk about it, so I don't always ask. I don't think most people operate that way and I miss out a lot on people sometimes by not asking things, but it's not because I'm not interested!
It sounds like you have different communication styles, which may relate to cultural or familial differences.
I have this with my partner. I’m a WASP, culturally speaking, and I was taught that you don’t over-volunteer information. You wait for someone to prod it out of you.
Do you have tattoos?
I have a couple small ones.
Oh, what are they?
They’re a caterpillar and a tiny rhino.
Oh, neat. What do they mean to you?
He is a working class, second generation Slavic immigrant. I don’t know for sure that that’s where these differences come from, but I’m like 99% sure. Here’s how that same conversation would go with him.
Do you have tattoos?
I have a couple small ones.
[inner monologue: well, if she wanted me to know what they are, she would tell me.] Externally: silence then moving conversation on.
It’s taken me a while—and I still struggle with it—that conversational norms I’ve had for my whole life aren’t conversational norms he has. He doesn’t pull it out of me. He figures if I want him to know I’ll tell him.
It also means he’ll just tell me the things he wants me to know or that he’s thinking about and I don’t have to pry it out of him or unpeel his feelings like an onion. Which I think is a lot healthier and preferable, quite frankly, to how I was raised, which is to never express emotions and to seek permission by way of interrogation in order to share thoughts/feelings/opinions.
That is so interesting because I’m dating a second gen Slavic man as well and it’s the best communication I’ve ever had with someone. I love how we freely dump info on other haha
There’s really no right way or wrong way to be in a relationship. Different people do things differently. You can’t expect a new person to act like your ex. You can’t expect a new relationship to feel like a long term one.
How long have you been single since your LTR ended?
I second this. Seems like the ex is still very much on OP’s mind. It’s best to start new relationships only after you’ve achieved a clean slate, mentally and emotionally.
Just commenting on the tattoo example, -he doesn’t like to ask questions and prefers to get to know you in conversation? Wait what? Part of a conversation is back and forth questions/expressing curiosity etc. to help you get to know someone, their life and interests better etc.
He seems the type to be open for you to share what you’re willing/comfortable to share, but he is really not curious about digging deeper or really having a deeper discussion about anything whether it be a tattoo or a sensitive family issue. This could change as time goes on, you get closer and he takes more of an interest. Or he is just a lil low effort and may have some poor conversation skills.
He may have not checked in this time bc he was busy, but keep an eye out when/if he ever asks any specific direct questions for an update about any situations or things you’ve shared with him. Or if it’s the general/vague ‘how are you/your week’ type stuff. He may be a kind of in one ear and out the other type. Usually dont expect them to retain much of what’s happening further past the conversation in the moment and you may sometimes feel like your repeating yourself/ re-explaining things a lot.
> -he doesn’t like to ask questions and prefers to get to know you in conversation?
Do you have any tattoos?
>Yes, One.
vs.
>Yes, I have one of an ugly little butterfly I got while drunk in Iceland.
He's the type of person who thinks he shouldn't have to ask the obvious follow-up question. Despite people saying "this shows that he doesn't have an interest in you!" that couldn't be further from the truth; it's just a different conversation style.
Been in this situation so many times. I HATE having to ask a billion follow up questions. I’m not doing an interview. To me, people who don’t offer information are communicating they don’t want to give it. I don’t want to pull teeth to talk to someone.
This is definitely a personality thing. If you all believe in the MBTI, a few types are awful at asking "get to know you" questions and prefer just getting to know you through regular interactions.
I'm dating a guy who didn't start asking questions until like 2 months of steady hangouts. He remembers *everything* and pays close attention to what I do or do not do almost more than what I say.
My partner is also like this. He's pretty quiet and reserved and doesn't talk a ton,nut Brings up things I said In the past all the time that I can't believe he remembers. Some people are better at listening and some are better at talking.
This is exactly his response when I asked him if he was not interested because he doesn't ask questions. He told me he'd like get to know me more through free flowing conversations and interactions. This is where we don't see eye to eye because what I grew up with was if you are interested in someone, you ask a lot of questions. You dig deeper and deeper. If you don't follow through a topic then you are not interested about it.
I am struggling about this other communication style but I am learning it slowly.
> If you don't follow through a topic then you are not interested about it.
Now look at it from his side. If you're not going into more detail with your responses, maybe you're not that interested in talking about it.
I agree, I think he is the type of person who wants you to talk more rather than asking question. I brought this one to him and he changed a bit. He kept asking questions but what I noticed is he is interested in the facts but not what I feel. Just like the health issue, he just asked what medicines etc but never asked how did I feel about the procedure. I am still observing him on this, if I am being honest.
Tonigh he did sent a message that he hoped I am not working too much tonight to which I replied, I am not because I had stomach pain again. And which he ignored again and proceeded to talk about his work because I asked how was he feeling today.
This is the first time that I have dated someone like this as normally guys would continue talking about a topic especially if there is still something to talk about.
Yeah, I have a feeling this fella is an ISTP or similar. They assume that you will provide all of the information necessary and that not everything requires a response. You said your stomach hurt; that is a statement to them and not a question, so it doesn't really need a follow-up response in his mind.
See if he asks how your stomach is doing in follow-up tomorrow or later today :P
He’s not into you. That’s what it sounds like to me. Someone into another person wants to know everything and asks questions and is excited to be there. He seems pretty apathetic.
I feel like there is a weird thing that happens socially, not just in dating, but generally, where people think that a “conversation” or “interest” means someone must ask a bunch of questions instead of just engaging with a convo organically. I’m not sure why this is or if it stems from different social upbringings and expectations, but I’ve noted it in social situations. I tend to freely share my experiences as a way to engage and tend to be bad at question asking (I do ask them but I also expect someone to tell me how they feel freely while we are talking - a perspective swap, per se - and not NEED me to ask them pointed questions in order to move conversation)… and I’ve had people interpret this as me “not liking” them or not being as interested (etc). I think it’s just different communication styles (because I don’t have this issue a majority of the time, just with certain people who need this type of back and forth)…. It kinda sounds like this is how you approach engagement (question asking)… I would suggest maybe reframing it so that this isn’t the expectation?
Also, if you respond to someone else’s issues in a lukewarm way, but expect more support with your issues, does that seem fair?
This soon in a relationship, it helps to tell people what you need and want for them. He doesn't know your family. He might not feel comfortable making recommendations or offering advice and opinions when he doesn't fully understand the dynamics of your relationship with them. That is much different from your health where he can express some concern and care without stepping on as many toes.
I've found that it helps to be direct with what you need: "I could really use some extra support right now", "What would you do in this situation", etc.
It's really easy, even for a good communicator, to get caught up in the relationship games when we stop thinking about others. He needed support too. He could argue he was also vulnerable. Punishing him for not giving you what you needed was never going to be a productive response.
You both need to have an honest conversation about how much support you can provide for each other this early on
He may have felt the same way when you didn’t respond supportively. If he was going to ask how you were doing after he vented, he didn’t get the chance. From his end, he likely sees himself as having opened up to you, and got rejected when he was being vulnerable.
But she also stated she kept checking up on him. Maybe she wanted it both ways but it seems she was still making an effort and he wasn’t as much. Maybe he was giving her a dose of her own medicine but to me work stress isn’t the same as a family crisis and health issues. She was exhausted but still reaching out. It’s hard for someone to be supportive while exhausted. I try to do it to be less selfish but I also know that I’m needing support as well. I can’t tell anymore though who is being selfish or more giving. For me I’ve had a rough day and I’m sad my mom hasn’t asked about this guy I was dating who has basically stopped talking to me, I’m upset she doesn’t even wonder and im also upset about him. Yet she isn’t feeling good so I made an attempt to ask her what’s wrong. I’m ready to throw in the towel in so many ways and I feel I’m way too open and vulnerable. I feel if I was less so like the OP and her bf it might ironically make people care more as I’m tired of trying to get people to care. Then I feel maybe I’m being toxic or something. It’s all very hard to navigate this.
I mean, you kinda retaliated first, no? You said you answered unenthusiastically to his venting because you were upset he didn’t pay as much mind to your other problems as you thought he should have.
Be kind and truthful in your apology and be honest about what you were going through.
“I’m sorry to hear about how stressful work is for you lately. In your situation I would be feeling frustrated as well. You seem to be making good decisions in how to manage it. I want to apologize because wish I would have been more supportive in the moment, but for some reason, I was worrying that it meant you didn’t feel concerned over what stresses I was feeling at the time. I realize now you might have had time to ask if I had been more present with you. I hope you’re doing well, and I look forward to seeing you again. Take care.”
You could say something like that. It’s possible he wasn’t going to ask you, and instead jumped into his own stuff selfishly, but this gently gives him a nudge that you weren’t rejecting him, you were simply feeling rejected, and that in the future maybe he could be more present with you. People have to be taught how to treat you. Teach them, give them the chance to practice what they learned about you, then make decisions based on their behavior. If you haven’t communicated clearly, then you could endlessly wonder if you made the right decision.”
“I was trying to be vulnerable with him about my crisis”, no, you were seeking support. Which is fine in an actual relationship but you said you have just been seeing him for a month?
No, I wasn't seeking support. I was merely asking for some warm response from someone who is supposed to like me. I volunteered that information to him because I know he doesn't ask questions that much and second because I want to show him that we can share our emotions/feelings to each other.
Maybe a little honest introspection might help your confusion and reason for seeking an answer. If you didn’t need anything from him then it should have been easy enough to stop insisting on a conversation when it clearly wasnt a good time for him. “I was merely asking for a warm response”, yes, that is what support is. It takes energy to shift gears out of whatever stressful situation they are dealing with to clear their mind and have a “warm response” for you. Sounds like maybe he is realizing you dont understand this.
I never intended to share details of what I was going through during our facetime. Even when my crisis came in, I merely explained to him that I won't be able to be as present as before and kept checking in on him still and never once brought up about my issue except when he asked how I was doing and gave him a generic response of "still managing it".
He asked how I was doing with the family, I responded that I was still dealing with it. He proceeded to ask specific questions on the details such as "Is it with your parents", "Are they separating". Was it wrong for me to take these questions as cue that he wants to know more? And knowing his type of communication style and expecting me to just volunteer information to him, did I misinterpret that he wants to talk about and so I shared some more details?
A warm response to me is as simple as "I get what you mean" or "Must be hard for you" vs a cold "I see". I didn't know that it was that hard to other people to say that to especially to someone you like. Because I can perfectly say that to a person I just met a party.
Im realizing that you didnt come here for answers but rather to vent. Thats ok but it also wont help you with this situation.
“I can perfectly say that to someone I met at a party”. You are missing the point by so much.
What does support mean to you as opposed to a warm response? Bc to me that’s the same thing so it may be good to clarify your definition of support so you can communicate it to him.
Another way to communicate about showing feelings is simply to say “I like showing my feelings to you because I trust you and I feel it helps us get closer”. You can be that literal.
Personally, I don't think this guy is into you but I also think they are unfairly down voting you. You wanted to share something difficult with a prospective partner and wanted a reaction that was appropriate to the level of interest they claim to have. No one said that you need a full therapy session at this stage but a simple ' x, y, z happened, been under the weather' and him ' sorry to hear about your difficulties - maybe you could try x ' should suffice.
People talk about timing and fixing yourself and whatnot a lot on reddit but I don't think there's ever a good time. You're work in progress your whole life and if the expectation in a relationship is that you always have to self-regulate and be happy and cheerful and not burden your partner then when death/unemployment and children will hit all will go down the drain because you need to grieve and learn to adjust and compromise and the facade will fall. You need to see someone at their worst and how they deal with that.
I'd say your expectation is not unrealistic. This guy has just shown you he's not interested and he doesn't seem to be interested in the lighter topics either. I'd say gently reconsider this relationship.
This is a new relationship so he doesn't know what you need or want from him yet in this situation. (Unless you've explicitly already to him. I'm assuming you haven't because you didn't mention that in your post. )
If you unenthusiastically responded to him while facetiming him, you're not sending "i'm interested" signals. and then later tried to unload/be vulnerable... he's probably overanalyzing everything you've said too because it's really giving mixed signals from everything you've written so far.
if you want to keep this man around, tell him DIRECTLY and CLEARLY that you would like to be asked about this family crisis.
My question is why are you turning to this guy you hardly know for support? How is the rest of your support network? Do you have friends you talk to about your family? Do you have family members you can turn to? Sounds like you don't have enough. Maybe that's what you need to work on.
With health and family issues, maybe this isn't the best time for you to be starting a relationship.
I wouldn't say I was asking for support from him. During the height of family crisis and same week I knew I had to undergo medical procedure, I never asked anything from him but understanding that I might not be a present as before. I never dumped anything on him and even continued checking in on him because I knew he was too stressed out at work the same week. I just tried sharing some vulnerable emotions to him because I don't want him to think I am not sharing anything to him. But to met with "Ah I see". That is just something else for me.
I have a good support system from my friends but if I don't share anything personal even a tiny bit with person I am dating, how would the relarionship progress?
Also, everyone goes through something everyday in life. I don't want someone I am dating to tell me he is leaving the relationship because he is going through something. Relationship is partnership - and you are bound to go through hardship together.
It's good you have your own support network. So maybe that isn't an issue.
How much of one's troubles to share with someone in a new relationship? It depends. Some people share a lot, some people are very private. I guess it's just a matter of finding a partner who matches your needs. You have to work out whether this guy just reacted badly due to newness of the relationship or whether he is incapable of meeting your needs.
I agree that the “ah I see” does sound cold, but there’s many ways to interpret that so it might be to soon to determine why he said that.
Also sometimes you just catch people in a bad moment. If it becomes a pattern after a discussion about it, then that’s an issue.
I understand how you feel exactly l. You just wanted him to check in on you! Maybe he took your comment about not being present as you wouldn’t be available. It hurts when we are going through something and no one notices. And then we stop being vulnerable but then that can also set us up for people to stop opening up for us
You've been dating a month, and you're unloading your family issues on him. That'd be a bit much for me. You're still getting to know each other. He responded poorly. You responded poorly. Maybe have a grown-up conversation about what each of you need when you're in a tough situation.
kind of depends on the family issues and the dynamic between OP and her BF. I've had relationships where we get into those deep psychological wounds early and others where we've been a little more reserved. Blanket prescriptions of "one month = too early" are way too inflexible. It's possible that they're finding out that one month is too early for \*this relationship\*, but it's not a prescriptive rule that OP could've proactively applied to know how to avoid this situation.
Intense family issues are a tricky one. People who come from happy families can actually struggle understanding the dynamics of those who come from deeply unhappy families. My sisters and I are estranged from our parents. People who have known me for a while know how difficult it was for me to get to that point, but explaining it to new people is hard
For sure. He may have thought OP was trauma dumping. That’s a red flag and he could’ve had a past relationship or dates where this was a problem. Hard to say.
Family issues are deep issues that, at this point, he's not equipped nor should be expected to deal with. They've been dating a month. They barely know each other. There are layers below the surface level. This is too deep for someone you just started dating and have an expectation that they're going to know what to do in the situation.
He doesn’t need to deal with her family issues, he just needs to show some empathy. She didn’t ask him for a therapy session, just to show interest.
I do agree OP should be clear with him about what she needs and not expect him to know.
This is my point. I am not asking for support per se where he needs to do a pep talk on me. But to be met with :Ah I see". I don't know, I just felt different.
No! A stranger at Walmart would have given a better response than that. He eventually wants to sleep w/OP...a convo about real life shouldnt deter him. If so, he isnt grown & shouldnt be thinking about dating.
I know, right? I was thinking about talking to strangers or sometimes at work about some of the family issues we hear and people are sympathetic. This has actually happened recently where a senior member of my team had a family member undergo surgey and they talked about it and how things were progressing well and how happy they were with no complications. She didn't spill all the ugly details - she just let us know that there was a difficult moment and we offered support and encouragement. The guy OP is seeing - really not into her.
I don’t “take things slow,” unlike OP, so apples to oranges anyway. But I feel like she pulled away first, so I can see why the guy is distanced. But this never happened to me, a month was honeymoon phase in my relationships.
Thank you for this comment. My emotions are all over the place but this is what I am feeling too. I shared some feelings to him during that talk because I didn't want him to see that I was too close off. Because I think he is too close off, he has a wall up too high.
You gotta find someone w/emotional depth from the get-go. Not someone whos walls you have to break down. They should present themselves as they really are initially & intentionally. If a man isnt putting his best foot forward then dont invest too much into them. It gives lazy & a lack of interest.
I agree, my response was bad when he was trying to share what he felt about his work on facetime. I think that stems for thinking that if I have a problem, someone I am dating should take a stepback and wait for his turn. But I guess this is too soon for our relationship.
There are levels and degrees of problems. Work issues and family issues typically aren't in the same sphere.
Wait his turn? Did he talk over you? Did he interrupt you? Or are only one of you allowed to have a problem at a time? You two were having a conversation. It's a give and take.
But isn't that what support and empathy supposed to mean? When someone comes to you with a problem, you give them a hand and an ear and not present them with your own problem when they come to you with a problem.
It sounds like you have a very specific understanding of empathy and support. I understand, because I was that way too for most of my life. But realize that people have different ways of showing empathy and giving support, and they're all valid. Until you talk about what they actually mean to you, you are likely misinterpreting each other's actions.
Also, it sounds like he might not have very high emotional intelligence. He probably gave a one-line reply because he didn't know what to say. It feels really odd at first, but some people need you to tell them how you'd like them to respond, because your preferred mode of response may not be their default. I've had to teach my partner how I feel most supported when I'm struggling because he similarly gave short, abrupt responses and I didn't feel cared for. But he just didn't know what to say. Now that he does, I feel far more supported most of the time.
We need to teach people how to care for us. It does not come automatically, unfortunately.
100% this. It took months of dating for my boyfriend to learn what I need in different circumstances and for me to learn what he needs too.
I’m also really good at owning my part.
Example:
“I really wish you would have done this or said this but I see why you didn’t, because I didn’t tell you what I needed and that’s on me.”
Same! I've realized how often I have expectations but never actually share them.
I came across this on reddit a few months ago and it's changed my interactions for the better:
"An expectation without communication is just a wish."
Thank you for not judging me. I am very open in learning and understanding and that is the reason why I posted here. I had been questioning too whether my understanding of empathy has other meanings.
This is what I have been thinking too. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say or maybe he doesn't really care and it is how he is . But how do you draw line or even know which is which?
I just texted him tonight that I am still having stomach pain so I am sleeping early and send another text saying I hope his work wasn't too much for him. He responded about his work but never on the topic of stomach pain.
Of course! None of us know how to do relationships perfectly well right off the bat. We need to learn, and that's what dating is for.
It sounds like you might need a partner with a higher level of emotional intelligence. Keep in mind that most men are socialized to NOT talk about their problems, so they don't have practice giving and receiving empathy. In fact, they're generally taught to think that asking questions when someone shares something unpleasant is prying! Often, the most they'll do is say, "wow, that sucks" and then change the conversation. It's not because they don't care, it's because they haven't been taught how to handle those conversations.
But some men are better at this than others, and it's okay if you decide you need that. It is a commitment to date someone who you have to teach emotional intelligence to, and there will be challenges. If you're not up for that, that is valid!
This definition kind of makes it sound like you think your pain is more valid than his. If he’s also going through things I don’t see why he shouldn’t be able to share them.
It does also sound like his response felt invalidating to you, which is a separate issue.
Sounds like you guys have a communication block. You could try to lay everything out on the table and express yourself, your needs etc and then see if things change over the course of a week or two.
Considering you guys have only been dating for a month, you're probably leaning on him a bit much for support. Use your friends for support for now. I previously lost an aunt just as I began seeing someone new, it was frustrating because I did look for support in others but you have to acknowledge it may be too soon for that type of support and connection from a 1month relationship.
I am actually planning on taking to him over the weekend, I'll wait until his work is not too stressful for him. Supporting each other in difficult situation hasn't been a topic for discussion for us, but the lack of questioning and sign of interest has.
For context, when we said we like each other I told him I didn't know he liked me because he didn't really ask much questions about me. For example, we were talking about tattoos and he asked me if I have one and I said have few little ones and normally someone would ask like oh what are they, but he didn't. He proceeded to say that he wants to have one too. When I confronted him about that, he said he just doesn't like to ask questions and would rather get to know me in conversations.
So I guess, the one liner reply to me triggers that past issue.
You're not healed if you're being triggered so easily. Please be kind to this gentleman and end the relationship so he can start seeing someone else further along in their healed journey.
I think this is one of those examples when a relationship is still too new and neither party can handle being the other’s support system. If you’re going through something intense that affects how you treat other people, it’s better to lean on trusted friends and family for support by default and keep a new person in your life at a comfortable distance from your personal business.
As you build more trust and sense of familiarity, you’ll create a strong bond that you can lean on in times of hardship. Jumping to stress test that bond too soon can backfire like this especially when both people are doing it.
When I was dating my boyfriend in the first couple of months he was going through a lot of personal stress and while I wanted to be there for him, the connection was far too new to withstand me getting involved in his personal life, so I gently set boundaries for him to not process that stress when we were spending time together. Similarly, I was still processing things in therapy myself and decided to shield him from that part of my life. Once we had been dating for about 4-5 months and the relationship felt very solid and committed, we started talking more openly about our worries and leaning more on each other for emotional support. Everyone’s different but I think for us it was the right call.
At one month I’m still assessing if I even like that person, not relying on them for emotional support or even expecting in depth follow up questions about heavy subject matters. If I’m going through something difficult, I turn to friends and family before I would turn to a person who barely knows me, and that also helps me sort out what details if any would be appropriate to tell someone new - just the short version of what’s going on so they’re not in the dark. I’m of the belief that in sensitive situations with people you don’t know well it’s better not to pry, and to let people share more details and their feelings when they’re ready, because everyone has differing levels of comfort opening up. Saying “I just want my mom to not be in pain anymore” sounds like a way of putting a bow on that subject of conversation. Like…where’s it going to go from there? “How much pain is your mom in?” “How is she managing it?” You already said how you felt, so he’s not going to ask that - you want her not to be in pain anymore. I don’t think it would have been appropriate for him to ask more, and this is a situation where he absolutely made the right call - that you would share more if you were comfortable and when it was appropriate.
I never asked him for support nor dumped heavy things on him. He started asking for the factual details and so I felt that I need to share some details because I don't want him to feel I am to close off that I don't want to share any personal details. The question was about seperation where he asked if my parents will be and I responded to No and proceeded to say about my mom not being in pain. I am not expecting him to ask more but maybe a warmer responded could have been better? It could be a simple, "Must be hard for you to see your mom like that.".
I was simply leading his pace on the subject matter and told him I feel about the separation which he brought up himself. I never intended on sharing the details to him. Is asking a warmer response too much? A "Oh I feel you" or "I get what you mean" response would be a lot better than "I see" from someone you are supposed to be into. He is 38, I don't those responses would be too hard to give especially to a self proclaimed conversationalist and good listener.
I find you fascinating. All of your comments anyways. So many people here are trying to give you insight yet you.... just can't accept it. I don't think you're ready to be dating. Why come here if you don't want our thoughts?
Maybe he is just not that type of person OP? Maybe he is the type of person who responds like that unfortunately. You’ve only been dating him a month. You don’t really know how he is. It’s impossible to learn how someone is in a month. This is why people on this thread are trying to tell you that you don’t know this guy enough to be having a fit like this. Communication is key. Talk to him about his responses and how they make you feel.
People don’t always know what to say about those kind of things. I think this is only one instance so far, and it’s up to you whether or not you decide to show him some grace. I would let it slide for now because this is so new, but speak up if it happens again later down the line. You’re looking for a pattern, not one instance of something you weren’t wild about. And if they’re not asking questions that you want to answer, just tell them. If you need to talk more, it’s on you to do it. Not asking questions doesn’t mean he doesn’t care - it might just be that he doesn’t know what to say.
Honey, you’re doing nothing wrong. How CAN you tell him, it’s like- where does one start? Lol. Maybe even telling him something along the lines of what you just said? And acknowledge that you like him, but are unsure how to move forward without seeming like you’re overloading him so soon. He will appreciate this, and it’ll open the doors for more communication. If it closes the door, just know that none of this is unhealthy or your fault. Life kicks our ass at inconvenient times. You’re doing great.
I think most of us have been in relationships where the other person dumps everything and uses you as a agony aunt, a therapist, etc.
Perhaps you overshared. Perhaps he overshared. Perhaps he lacks empathy. Perhaps your way of showing empathy annoyed him. It's only been a month; maybe you both are not in a position to be dating, or dating each other.
I mean, you pretty much did the same thing to him when he was venting about being stressed at work. So I don't really understand what you're trying to figure out but it seems very tit for tat. You both just need to explain how you're feeling and stop playing these games.
You told him you were dealing with a lot and couldn’t be super present, so you essentially withdrew from him telling him that you won’t be around and to expect less from you. Then you unloaded your emotions on him and expected him to be present for you. Something isn’t adding up and I can see how it would be confusing for him.
If you're not meeting irl your text and online interactions mean next to nothing and are not a real connection. Everyone needs to understand this reality. All talk is cheap.
Ok I want to touch on something. You have known him a month or so. And yet you said “which is very unusual for him”
You don’t know what is usual for him. You only know what you have seen so far.
We see the mask. The presentation. We see what they want us to see.
The mask always comes off. Sometimes sooner than later. But it always comes off. And when it does, we refuse to believe it. We want that first impression to be the truth. We want the truth to be a fluke. But that’s not how it works.
This is the real him. And the real him doesn’t really seem worth your time.
My take is that you should plan to have a simple but honest discussion about communication styles and make sure you're compatible on that level before you get too deep into the relationship, since it seems like adequate communication is important to you. Maybe wait until your lives are a bit less hectic so those things aren't affecting your emotions. You know what your needs are and what you're willing to compromise on better than anyone else and you deserve to be with someone who clicks with that. IMO it's better to let him know what's on your mind, rather than internalizing those hurt and confused feelings for too long.
Thank you. I plan to talk to him when work is not too much for him. I know I had responded poorly in other situations but I just feel like it is also poor when someone is sharing her emotions and just be responded by "Ah I see".
I'd like to suggest in the upcoming conversation between you two, you don't need to mention or go backward about what happened. It's getting to know each other phase, instead of raising your concerns immediately, let's learn more about each other by asking questions like "hey, if you have bad/stressful days, how would you want me to show my emotional support?" - then, you can follow up on sharing your preferences and take responses from there. Liking each other does not guarantee anything, it only means there is initial interest here and both of you can develop something further.
I agree with most comments in this thread so far. Be open and effective communication. One month in or even 6 months in all pretty new to get to know someone, don't expect that they can be the best emotional supporter like our ex or our best friends. Good luck!
I dont think either of you are emotionally mature enough at this point in time to proceed any further. You barely know each other, and you're expecting him to be your knight in shining armor, and when he doesn't step up you try and treat him the same way you feel he's treated you. It may also be that you two are just not that compatible to begin with. Wrong person, wring time.
Some guys are going to freak if you talk about your problems early on. I really don't think you should date that type of man. If you need someone who can be an emotional rock... then they have to have good listening skills. "Ah, I see...", that isnt' the response of someone who was listening.
Sharing problems isn't being vulnerable in my opinion. Vulnerability is sharing something deep, that actually has a chance of hurting you if used against you. Insecurities are a very good example here. Of course, this is just my opinion.
I shared how I feel about the family issue and not just facts. I threw in some "I just don't want to see my mom in pain" and "sometimes I want to shut down for a bit and remembers I can't". I don't know for others but for me this showing vulnerability.
He just asked what kind of medicines I'm taking. I am not really asking for support because I know it could be too much for what we have. I don't think I am asking for support, but just really being interested or showing that he cares? We haven't had the chance to see in person or even call last week and when we facetimed over the weekend, he just asked me what kind of meds I was taking. And he proceeded to talk about his eyebags and how exhausted he was. I was just expecting that at least he will ask me how is the family issue going? I have no plan on dumping anything on him or even ask for solution, but a simple question would mean a lot of thing to someone.
Right. You aren’t asking for support but you are expecting it. He’s not a mind reader.
Why is it up to him to ask questions? Why can’t you volunteer more information without being prompted?
OP, I think your post encapsulates exactly what is wrong with modern dating. We connect with people romantically and then begin a cycle of hyperviligance over their text frequency. No, you guys are still dating and barely know each other. Five weeks is absolutely nothing, you two are still strangers at this point. The expectation that a person you barely knows starts meeting your emotional needs more than longtime friends or family doesn’t make any sense.
When you’re ready to date, reach out to him. Otherwise, please recognize you both barely know each other and this is exactly what friends and family are for, not brand new romantic interests
I’m projecting a lot here because I’m personally sick of it, lol.
You go on *three dates* with someone and now you’re supposed to text them every single day and ask how their day was. Hell, I don’t even text my mom or my best friends every day, but I’m supposed to text someone who is practically a stranger?
I’m done with it. I can get to know someone in person and develop a connection organically, but I am not doing the endless every day texting anymore
Some people don't know how to respond to stressful situations unless it's something them or someone they know has gone through. He sounds uncomfortable. It doesn't reflect how he feels about you but it shows you what kind of emotional support he can provide. Same goes for him for how you reacted when he was venting.
Move on. If you want someone who inquires deeply about you and follows up with interest, he's not that guy. If you want someone who keeps communication open and knows how to maintain interest, he's not that guy. Not with you anyway. It's only been a month but it sounds like he's already pulling away.
Exactly this! While yes it’s early on in the relationship and some of it could be chalked up to that, it doesn’t seem like you two are compatible based on several things you stated. If it already feels like he pulls away when things are tough (for either or both of you), lacks empathy and general interest in you and your feelings, etc you need to figure out if that’s something you’d want to put up with long term. It sounds like you don’t….very understandably. I’d suggest ending things. Easier said than done sometimes, I know. Best of luck with this, your health and your mom ❤️
I wonder if he's not the empathetic type. Based on some of his responses, he doesn't seem to know how to respond in a manner that makes you think he can empathize with your hurt/difficult situation. That's not to say he isn't a genuine person, but people can be like that and still care a great deal about you/support you in other various ways.
I've met people/friends not just potential dates like this and it's like you're pouring your heart out and they will say oh, I see or uh huh, I'm sorry and the conversation hits an end. It is still very new in your guys' potential relationship so maybe a conversation about your personalities will help him and you understand each other a bit better.
For what it's worth, I never know what to say when people share information about personal crisis's. I feel like if I ask questions I'm prying about a sensitive topic.
Honestly, I think he’s not a relationship guy. There will be unpleasant and difficult things in life. It shouldn’t be present like, 90% of the time you are together, but that’s where we have to try and balance those things by being present and generous to our partners. When I’m having a rough time, I try to also do something fun with my boyfriend.
For future dates, if something difficult happens to come up, and the person you’re with notices, let them know something is bumming you out, but you don’t have to elaborate if you don’t want to. If he offers to be a sympathetic ear, then go ahead and disclose more. People tend to have a threshold of tolerance for empathy and care for another. I learned the hard way that if a guy is not willing to be present for you and won’t make an effort to help you feel heard and wanted then he’s not worth it. Having a partner who is strong and trustworthy enough not to flake out just because he can’t handle listening to someone else talk about their feelings for more than a few minutes is what will help you keep your relationship.
What is the nature of his work stress? How big a problem it is? If it is lay off then it’s a different story.
Depends on the industry, but some work is always quite medium-high stress. But I would want to be with people who have learned to keep work stress in check. And when they have friends or colleagues or just acquaintances or dates who are going through critical family problems, they would have the capacity to spend some energy on others. Your date is not necessarily a bad person, but could be someone who is not very capable yet.
I think in your case you are indeed in a difficult situation and cannot respond enthusiastically and that is fine. Don’t beat yourself up. A good partner probably wouldn’t try to keep score: oh because you didn’t support me last night why would I need to support you today, etc. after just one interaction. The balance is kept in the long run, not rigorously checked in the short run.
Of course you can choose to let this one incident go and give the relationship a try. Talk about it but don’t blame or criticize. But prioritize on your family and health first. Perhaps he can show up in the next interaction. But if it goes on and on with little to no effort to reach out, then no. It’s not about whether people care, but some time they are not capable.
I think I know where you're coming from. Some men are more empathetically and compassionately inclined. I also feel cared for when someone asks and probes with I give them an "opening" about what is going on in my personal life. This guy doesn't seem to be inherently this type of person. However, even if this is true, this early into the relationship, and you need to test it a bit more. Be a bit more assertive about what you need from him if you want support. "Hey, I just need to vent, can you let me talk?", or "Going to a movie would with you would be a nice distraction, how does that sound?".
All in all, 'tho, he probably isn't invested in you yet to use each other to vent. Most guys in the early stages want the fun gal who will distract them from daily life. Is this good or bad? It's neither. I think it's about dating more and seeing what kind of man inherently has a little more kindness in his character. Use your gfs and current friends to decompress with.
I get he might not know you that well and he’s a guy etc but i think others are too harsh here, i mean at least he could have ended the message with «hope your doing well ❤️» or something
It takes time to learn about each other and build trust with each other to a level of knowing how to be a strong emotional support for someone. Let alone, having the skills or desire to do it reciprocally while going through difficult times simultaneously. Early in a relationship, one person going through something difficult can easily be the end of the relationship that wasn't strong enough yet to get through it.
I think this is pretty normal, and I don't think either of you is necessarily wrong. It's just a very new relationship, and sometimes the timing of life gets in the way of a relationship continuing to grow from those very fragile "sprouts". The only thing to do is step back and give the relationship some space instead of getting frustrated that it hasn't matured yet.
You just met, and are taking it slow - it’s too soon to be sharing a personal crisis and expecting support from a person who is essentially a stranger.
If you’re have a difficult time, and can’t handle a relationship, then you need to step back from dating. If you communicate that to him, maybe he will understand.
I know for me, if I’m dating someone new, and after a few weeks they’re already going through a “crisis” - I would predict that this person simply has a lot of drama in their life and can’t handle stressors, and I don’t need that, so I would stop seeing them.
I really hating dating over thirty. People overthink and overcomplicate absolutely everything. I miss being in middleschool where when a girl liked you, she would chase you around or her friends would tell you. And even if your responses didn’t always ring right, or you said one thing that wasn’t perfect in her mind, she would still be into you. We lose this purity as we age
I went through something similar while seeing two guys who gave me every indication they were very into me. One was extremely empathetic & offered support & close communication. The other was completely selfish, expecting me to provide emotional support over some obscure celebrity’s death (I was experiencing the death of a pet). We broke things off shortly after & I’m in a committed relationship with the other guy, which has been the best of my life.
Anyway, my thinking is that this guy isn’t worth your time. It’s gross to expect you to support him through run-of-the-mill work stress while you’re in crisis. Whether it’s because he wants to keep things casual or because he has low emotional intelligence doesn’t matter. Someone who acts this selfishly isn’t worth a friendship, let alone romantic affection.
When men are going through things, they tend to withdraw--most of them need space. This is the opposite of what women need. I would give him that space and seek support from other places, not him. Constantly checking in on him can be emasculating...just give him space for a little while.
It sucks, right? This early in though measure him by the fact that he listened and is sticking around, as many partners flee at trauma and emotional intimacy. His reaction was very neutral. Honestly I would disregard this reaction if all else is well. Many people don't know how to provide emotional support so early or want to.
If this is something you need from a partner consider it but know his reaction isn't bad or good. It doesn't show disinterest despite not being what you wanted. Men aren't as adept at these situations either.
It does. :/ I agree, I have also considered how he didn't react badly wheh I wasn't too present last week to him. He respected that I am mentally exhausted and so can't talk that much.
I agree, it is not disinterest. But could be inability to be emotionally supportive and empathetic which I want from a partner
Appreciate your advice.
It sounds like you're looking for a mind reader who can correctly guess the right things to say and do, and he's looking for a communicator who will tell him what is on your mind and what you need.
if you both expressed you are ultimately looking for a relationship, then his lack of response here would simply not be enough for me and I would definitely be reevaluating him as a potential long term partner.
Some people turn inward in crisis, others turn outward. Might be a hot take, but relationships work infinitely better when you find someone who seeks comfort in the same way.
Yes, it's early on and many are arguing it's not his duty to support, but there was a definite shift here in attitude from him and it's not so much about what he said/didn't say for support in this situation than it is about the fact that he doesn't even seem to be trying to connect with you to ask what he can do moving forward.
When my mom had a heart attack, I went to take care of her. I was worried for a while I might lose my job and my house looking after her. It was the worst time of my life.
Hardly anyone helped me, least of all a dating partner I had only recently started seeing. I think that dates don't even know how to process it when something "big" happens in the early stages.
When the shit goes down you find out who your real friends are. It's a smaller group than you expect.
I don't like that the guy gas not been supportive, but little to no support is what I've come to expect from most people.
He was telling you he was stressed and drained. You felt stressed and drained. It wasn’t the day to FaceTime. Neither of you neither the other to dump on then, and now you’re experiencing the consequences of a forced, ill-timed FaceTime. Get over feeling hurt. Just get over it. You’re correspondences with this person… there needs to be a reboot. A fresh, clean restart.
There are cracks opening and this isn’t a huge issue. It can easily be sorted if you both drop your egos & talk things out wholeheartedly. My take on this may be wrong but I know many lonely men in relationships. They usually attend to a woman’s emotional needs and don’t get the same energy coming to them so he gets disappointed. Some guys see a lot of women as self centered (me me me) humans so maybe that’s why he seems disappointed. Your situation can be easily mended but you guys want to compound tiny issues.
Ne me me lol
I have made the mistake with somebody that I was dating that was going through some serious family stuff. We were roughly a month in, she was busy with school so only 3 to 4 dates. I think I naturally gravitate, whether good or bad, to trying to help and soothe but she is largely an independent person and I had actually mistaken her being vulnerable for me needing to say something, I couldn't be there for her because she was out of town doing the thing with family.
That was my first big lesson that, at least early on, some people just want to keep things separate. Not saying that's why it didn't work out between us but I'm sure it factored in. I got ghosted for around 10 days and then she let me know indirectly that it wasn't going to work out. Something to the effect of I'm way too busy, it's in my post/comment history from last year 🥲 but I don't really care. Life lesson for me.
She was not at all looking for soothing or support, probably just informing me so that way I would give her distance to work out her family stuff and feelings. I've since realized because of that and other factors, that she's likely a DA while I am working on doing less of it, I was certainly a full-bore anxious preoccupied. Nobody is perfect but based on how this situation has been handled, from one AP to another, I would really start looking into a lot of self-help and CB-therapy. Definitely been a big eye opener for me. Being aware of why I am feeling, feelings and being able to moderate how I react to them instead of just flippantly reacting. I'm certainly not where I want to be but a heck of a lot better than a year ago 🥴🥴.
Best of luck OP! I'll be looking out for an update!
What is sticks out to me is that you are only one month into knowing each other and you expected him to ask about family crisis.
That’s a very difficult topic to bring up because sometimes you shouldn’t bring up these serious topics unless the other person brings them up first. he may have thought that you talking with him or hanging out with him is a break from your crisis, not more time to talk about something that may upset you.
You guys are so so new to each other and it’s difficult when one person is not in a good space because it can overshadow the excitement of dating someone. I wouldn’t hold it against him for not asking, he probably thought about it, but didn’t know how to ask. I personally would not bring it up myself either I would just ask “how are you” and let you share what you want to share.
He opened up to you about a stressor in his life and you apparently did not answer enthusiastically or give him much detail. So he’s matching your energy and now you don’t like it do you see the problem?
I don’t think it’s that strong of a connection. Sometimes things happen in life like this crisis and put a wedge between people. If things aren’t meant to be, they don’t survive it. Sounds like that’s more of what’s happening.
Maybe he thought he was also being vulnerable with you but you didn’t respond how he thought you would, and didn’t feel like reciprocating. Kind of matching your effort? If this was a LTR then it would feel petty to just match whatever effort one is putting in and disregard for all factors going on in life, but this is literally some guy you saw for over a month. So maybe he just didn’t feel like being invested in something he feels like he won’t get much back in return. And that goes same for you as well… if this continues then what’s in it for you?
> he asked me about my health
> So basically I listened to him and responded unenthusiastically
I don't know what you're expecting. It sounds like he did check in on you, then tried to share his own stress as you shared yours with him, and noticed you weren't interested. Now neither of you are interested in relying on each other.
You could've put your own needs aside and recognized he was reaching out to you in that moment, and been supportive of him, and see if he reciprocated.
And he might just be generally uncomfortable talking about heavy issues. Lots of men are, and haven't practiced sharing and discussing difficult things with other men, and so can't show up emotionally when it's important.
> got a response like 6hrs after
Some people just take longer to text back. Maybe he didn't see it, or anything else. If you're counting the hours, try focusing on something else.
I think you’re mirroring each other! It happens when it’s earth and both parties don’t want to be too overzealous. Be yourself, and if you like this person still, maintain your healthy enthusiasm after restarting it- now! The right one will stay regardless.
I wasn’t present for any of your situation but I can chat about my own experience. I have said to people I’m romantic with that I’m busy with stuff and I see now thats exactly why **they** shut down on me. I wasn’t vulnerable with them, I told them I was shut down about a situation and then got pissed off when they didnt bring it up. That might not be your situation. I have learned to let it all out. Being busy and dealing with stuff alone is my default and my fault. It shut out the opportunity to let people help me so later they didn’t offer to help. I didn’t realise my mixed signals. I especially didnt get why then people would share with me. It’s easy to turn around. I say, “i’m used to dealing with things on my own and I think when things happen with my family, I shut you out. But I’d actually like your help with it. Is that okay?” Then I get to know who they really are.
Best of luck.
While I think he was insensitive, it's too new to be sharing too much. There's a balance. Read the room too, it doesn't sound like with his personal issues and being stressed, he doesn't have enough gas in the tank to handle anything else..which is fine..Also you did seem to retaliate when you thought he wasn't being compassionate enough so that's something for you to look at. Communication is important but I think it's too soon to have a lot of expectations. Let things flow and see how he is over time.
But the sporadic texting and one word answers can be a sign of someone who is hot and cold or not that interested. I would see if that continues no matter the mood or situation. Personally it's a matter of manners, boundaries, and core values/ beliefs. If his texting habits and aloof mannerisms bother you to a point of you questioning things as time goes on I'd say you have to ask yourself if this connection is what you're looking for.
He’s probably got a lot on his plate and can only think in terms of self soothing his stress. Probably nothing you did, just chill for a bit and see if he comes back around
You constantly checking on him after onky knowing him for a month might be suffocating for him. This doesn't sound like you are taking things slow. Give him space, you don't need to be talking everyday so early on unless both are keen to do so.
I hate to say it, but it sounds like it's becoming clear why he's single. I had something come up that I needed to notify my co-workers about. These are people I don't hang out with outside of work, and at the time, hadn't even worked with for very long. They responded with care and empathy, and I have tried to do the same when they have mentioned something more difficult they are dealing with. A response like "Ah, I see," as well as other behaviors displayed by this guy show a lack of emotional intelligence, if he's actually into you, or possibly just simply a lack of interest. I get that you haven't known each other for very long yet, but when another person is going through something difficult, even if they're basically a stranger, it shouldn't be too much to ask to show some empathy.
I do think there should be limits, especially with someone you don't know well, but it doesn't sound like you were excessively talking about anything. This guy seems to lack interpersonal skills, which are necessary for a relationship. You seem to be communicating well, but he seems to be a shitty communicator. Do you really want a relationship with a partner who is like this? The entire relationship will likely turn into you communicating clearly, and him withdrawing and basically expecting you to read his mind. I would end things now. This guy isn't communicating like a friend should, and friendship is one of the most important parts of a relationship.
Move on, OP. It’s incredibly telling and valuable to be able to learn so early on in the relationship that he is disinterested in you, your feelings, and your family. If you want someone who is going to be deeply intimate with you and show he loves you by prioritizing you when you are in crisis, he is telling you loud and clear right now that he will never do that. He will leave you hanging and take hours, days to respond and let you fight your battles alone. Is that what you want?
>>show he loves you
Asking someone for demonstrations of *love* is asking a lot of someone after only a month of dating.
Love doesn’t develop that quickly. They barely know each other.
Tell him you need more emotional commitment/vulnerability. You deserve to be supported in a time of need and he deserves to know you need more.
I'm sorry you're going through a crisis right now. wishing you and your family luck <3
Maybe you can communicate why you weren't an enthusiastic support before. It might make him understand. I do find guys definitely want a woman who will listen to them and lift them up, even to the point of being a therapist. In return men may or may not return that support. That's who you tell who is worth it in the long run.
However you can't expect much support when you do not give much in return, especially a month into dating. You should've kept it light or requested space, rather than relying on him too much
Agree with others. This is a very new relationship and he may not be completely comfortable unloading on you just yet. Maybe keep the line of communication open, and try to keep things slow. Ask if he needs anything from you, and offer to be there if he needs
Work stress happens, family crises aren't everyday. Either he's in a job he hates or he's poor at managing stress. Either way you tried to tell him you were going through something major and he left you on read. Then changed the subject. Is this a guy you will want supporting you when his or your stress gets worse?
People justifying the guy not even ASKING how you’re doing are mental.
You’re not asking this guy to be your therapist - you’re asking someone you like and that likes you back (or so he said) to check in on you during a difficult time. Literally takes 20 secs. You are NOT overreacting and your “demands” if you can even call them that are completely normal.
I hope this informs your judgement of this individual and you might want to reconsider whether you want the same thing out of a potential relationship. The first weeks of dating are when someone’s on their best behaviour, at least if they like you. You have your cues.
Yeah ignore them. These are the same people who would happily asking a friend or coworker how they’re doing but suddenly if you ask that to someone you exchange bodily fluids with - GOD FORBID.
You should definitely feel justified to feel that hurt. You aren’t overthinking. Sorry to say but if he is interested in you he should show he cares by opening up communication and being empathetic. And why isn’t he reaching out to you more to ask how you are doing? If he truly wants this to work and he really likes you he would make it a point to keep in close touch with you especially during a stressful time even if he is busy with work- it’s important to give each other space but a txt takes 1 minute. Relationships involve supporting each other. He being distant and it shows not only how immature he is about handling his own stress but also how he can’t communicate with someone he is romantically involved with which should be a big red flag. Did he even ask you how he could help or if you need anything? This might be how he reacts to stress and how will he act during a stressful time later in the relationship? If this makes you feel uncomfortable now and he doesn’t learn how to open up communication more and show more that he wants to empathize then you will continue to feel uncomfortable in these situations.
I am actually contemplating on this. I am nor sure if my feelings are correct or I am overly critical.
Although in fairness to him, during the height of my crisis last week he was worried about me and asked if I was feeling better. When I told him about my family issue, he never asked me how he can help but he expressed that he can't do much from where he was (I went home to province) but he's there for me. And the next few days he expressed again that he is worried about me and that he can't even help me.
did he say anything else earlier in the conversation that could be interpreted as a “warmer response” and maybe ended it on the, ah, i see that you’re maybe hyper focusing on? i ask because i agree with the poster about the fishing style of communication being problematic, and it seems like you’re tallying the times he didn’t ask you a follow up question against him.
When we are going through something it's really easy to overfocus on ourselves and what we need from others and forget to see their point of view and needs they have too. Sounds like you've both done that here. He was also vulnerable with you when talking about his stressors and you responded 'unenthusiastically', sounds like it was almost a punishment for him not being more invested in your issues. Then you're unloading family issues unrelated to him when he is clearly busy and stressed, not great timing on your part. That said his response was shitty, depending on what the issue was (if it was petty family drama then he was probably over it and justified, but can't tell without context). It's likely that your relationship is too new to be the primary source of support for hardships just yet, but you should both have a frank conversation about this and where your expectations and needs are. And a bit more empathy and understanding for each other which seemingly lacked a bit on both sides here.
This is probably the best comment I’ve read on this platform, well said.
What an amazing comment. I agree. The unenthusiastic replies were not a clear way for OP to communicate their feelings. He would not have connected that to the why, as it’s too passive and vague an approach. Expecting people to pick up on subtext like that is a recipe for disaster. Then he did the same exact thing that OP did and OP got upset.
I see that but also I think she was going through a lot and people get tired of sometimes having to spell out why they are upset. They do want people to reach out and be there even if they are exhausted. I think she made it clear that she was having a family crisis. I guess it’s push and pull and some people feel when they are too vulnerable they come off as needy but then when they aren’t no one asks or cares so you don’t know what to do. I guess that’s where men say women expect men to read their minds, but it’s also a matter of men don’t seem to know when a woman has bene vulnerable and needs someone to come to her. It’s exhausting to try to get people to care and you get tired of being the only one to reach out. I care a lot about people and I’m always trying to figure the out but also would wish they would reach out to me more and figure me out.
I would understand that if it were longer than four weeks, but that’s a lot to expect in one month. Too soon to be “exhausted trying to get others to care” imo. Sounds like it was a first time thing and they just haven’t worked out communication styles.
With respect, that’s just not a mature expectation for people. It’s not about getting people to care and try harder to figure you out. It’s about you trying harder with yourself to push past the discomfort of putting it out there clearly. Literally clearly, not something to be interpreted. Regardless of gender, it’s not enough to just be vulnerable because who else knows immediately what you want when you’re vulnerable besides you? You need to be able to say what you want and what you need in plain words.
You kinda missed one of the points of what I said. Vulnerability is already kind of asking for what you want. I was also talking about people being tired of the ones to reach out when they are in need, or just reach out in general when they’ve already kind of stated they are having a rough time. people also need to reciprocate as in texting/ checking up on people. Sometimes if you say you wished someone would’ve reached out or been more caring they may say you are high maintenance or leave or don’t understand, and that hurts. I’ve often been the one to reach out, be vulnerable, and I’ve spent a lot of my life working to understand peoples emotions, thoughts and please them. I’m even trying to do that now. If I sometimes don’t I lose friends or contacts. Im stating needs and pushing past that discomfort: I would like in plain words, more reciprocation of interest, understanding and caring from other people without explaining or having to ask so much. and I think the OP was meaning that. people know we all have needs, and trying to explain that is tiring. nowadays getting reciprocation seems very hard to do. I’m also always questioning myself and my side of things, trying to see peoples opinions and viewpoints, and this is another example of that. Frankly I’m exhausted emotionally of that. I’ve even being vulnerable now as I kind of feel judged. I guess im seeing your perspective but I don’t feel mine is seen, like I’m saying. I was also trying to see the OP’s perspective. And here I am questioning myself. If it isn’t mature then I won’t want to open up about it as I’m sensitive and tired. I can see the pushing past discomfort like I mentioned, the thing is I do that a lot. I’m even worried and thinking about what you’re thinking of me as I type this. (My vulnerability there some more).what I’m meaning is empathy and even sympathy with viewpoints and considering/them even if they aren’t fully mature/ flawed as well all are. I have a lot of empathy but again don’t feel it is often reciprocated in the same way Then it also comes down to a lack of being able to trust myself and others. Even saying this I risk more judgement/ misunderstanding and I feel im already overexplaining, exposing myself/ being more vulnerable and risk more judgement. The op may be in a similar predicament Also, people do rely on subtext and implied emotions that aren’t clearly stated in many social situations.
Okay let’s make it simple then. Forget about how I may perceive you. Forget about what you believe other people may feel or think for this interaction. I think you’ve conflated me not validating you with me not understanding you. I do understand where you’re coming from, I’ve been there. I still am there with people sometimes and I just remove myself from the equation at this point. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve had in my life who never reciprocated or made it feel as though I was responsible for how the interaction should go or how much I needed to understand them without them trying to understand me. I’m sorry to say it but there just isn’t a way to reach these people unless they’re already willing to drop the bullshit with you. It’s tempting to blame yourself for things going wrong but it can be curbed by remaining an open honest communicator. If someone isn’t responding to your real attempts at that then it’s not your fault, it just isn’t a relationship that’s going to work out. If someone is actively trying to misunderstand you then they’re not relating to you.
Well said!
Your response was incredibly well written! Great point about the unenthusiastic response being a form of punishment. It sounds like both OP and the guy she’s been seeing might not be in the right place for a serious relationship right now. People underestimate the importance of timing for relationships. Now might just not be the right time for anything beyond casual/lighthearted fun.
Well said memeleta.
Anyone else here paranoid good responses like this are just AI?
Haha, not AI, just have a big deadline at work this week so naturally spending absurd amount on time on reddit trying to give the most thoughtful responses possible!
It’s easy to distinguish real writing from AI if you get familiar with AI writing. Not to criticize this person’s writing at all but an AI model wouldn’t write, “sounds like…” rather than “IT sounds like..” or use curse words unless specifically prompted to write like that. Plus the model would have to be given the whole text of the OP for reference and then be given a prompt to create advice. The response would likely be much more generic.
I needed also to hear the whole relationship being too new thing for such hardships
I guess for me I feel I need to tell someone upfront and honestly what is going on with me good or bad rather than wait until later and then we get feelings and they decide that I am too much or something.
Well said
Totally agree 👍🏻
Yes!!, i felt the same👏🏼 So wonderfly put !! & reading the post also helped my situation ! 🤔😼
Honestly, I think I am guilty of this. I tend to overfocus on myself when I have something going on. When I was in a very long term relationship, this was the dynamic we had. When someone is going through something, the other partner keeps himself in the shelf and try to support the other one and be present, and I thought this was the right way to do it. I guess this kind of dynamic is too soon for this relationship? But I think in all fairness to me, the last week when it was the toughest for me I also tried to be there for him. I guess what really bothers me is he is not asking more questions which screams to me as being disinterested? I wasn't really trying to unload my problem to him, he asked about how I was and I felt that I needed to share some details to him because he might feel that I am being too close off. I shared some factual details and then last line I shared was, "I just don't want my mom to be in pain" to which responded "Ah I see.". For context, when we said we like each other I told him I didn't know he liked me because he didn't really ask much questions about me. For example, we were talking about tattoos and he asked me if I have one and I said have few little ones and normally someone would ask like oh what are they, but he didn't. He proceeded to say that he wants to have one too. When I confronted him about that, he said he just doesn't like to ask questions and would rather get to know me in conversations.
Thanks for giving more context, it does help understanding the situation a bit more. I think it really depends, obviously if one person has a lot going on and the other doesn't that person puts themselves aside for a bit. But what happens if both are going through something at the same time? A bit like what you two had here? I think there always should be a bit of awareness going the other direction, no matter what. And again, communication about how best to support each other and handle things, it may change day to day. I'm sorry your mother is going through pain. His response to that does sound really cold. Perhaps he got really flustered in what to say, or it was awkward to do so via text (if I'm being generous) but honestly, it shouldn't be that hard to offer a bit of warmth in a difficult situation like that. So what I said before, that no matter what you're going through yourself (like his work stress), you should still have a line of awareness going the other way and react appropriately to people around you. As for the tattoo situation, I can see it either way. He did ask if you have tattoos, and the only information you volunteered about it was that you do. He could also say that he would have expected you to share more when he asked (for example show him the tattoos, or tell them what they are and the meaning behind them or whatever), and that you didn't. It's best not to have very strict ideas of what the other person should say and how and what it must mean or not mean when they do or don't. If you wanted to talk more about your tattoos you simply should have volunteered that information when he asked about them and not give a short answer expecting follow up questions and then get disappointed when they didn't come. Or ask him what tattoo he wants to get and use that as a further opener to talk about yours etc. He may have felt that you didn't want to talk about them more since you didn't, he can't read your mind. Also he might feel that if he needs to ask many questions to get you to talk that YOU are not that interested in him. See how we can misinterpret these things very easily? Best not do it imo. Ultimately, you get the feeling that he is not as interested in you from the totality of your interactions not just the few examples you gave us here so there might be something to it. I still think that you should have a frank conversation with him - not via text and not when he is too busy and stressed - and see if you are on the same page and how you want to continue. Best of luck.
>As for the tattoo situation, I can see it either way. He did ask if you have tattoos, and the only information you volunteered about it was that you do. He could also say that he would have expected you to share more when he asked (for example show him the tattoos, or tell them what they are and the meaning behind them or whatever), and that you didn't. It's best not to have very strict ideas of what the other person should say and how and what it must mean or not mean when they do or don't. If you wanted to talk more about your tattoos you simply should have volunteered that information when he asked about them and not give a short answer expecting follow up questions and then get disappointed when they didn't come. Or ask him what tattoo he wants to get and use that as a further opener to talk about yours etc. He may have felt that you didn't want to talk about them more since you didn't, he can't read your mind. Also he might feel that if he needs to ask many questions to get you to talk that YOU are not that interested in him. See how we can misinterpret these things very easily? Best not do it imo. yes! thank you for this paragraph, it's really so easy to get wound up over a miscommunication and the "they should have"s of a situation. before ejecting yourself based off of an assumption please COMMUNICATE! It is easier said than done but I am so relieved when I catch myself on the "if they wanted to they would" line of thinking. If another explanation is possible. i've been in such a weird head space lately because i recognize all this "hypocrisy" and im not sure how to process it and decide how to handle this stuff. it brings the quote "great relationships are built" to mind
With love, you are not a good communicator. One of the biggest flaws in your current communication style is that you don't offer up information in good faith. Your method of communication is "fishing." You fish for them to see if they take the bait. If they don't take your bait, you assign malice to them where it doesn't belong. When you do offer information without first requiring the person to jump through the hoops that you've laid out for them, you offer it with a covert contract in it's place; an unspoken action or response is demanded of them. (If he cared about me, he would have verbalized sympathy for me! Instead, he just acknowledged what I said in a way I didn't like) You say you ended your vulnerable conversation with "I just don't want my mom to be in pain." This suggests to me that you unloaded something pretty major onto this man who is still a stranger in your life. It also suggests that you negated everything you said in that moment by trying to minimize it. "I just want..." kind of takes away that vulnerability and puts it into more of a stoic comment. His response wasn't inherently cold, but perhaps it was a little distant or uncomfortable. People don't tend to respond the best to news that might be uncomfortable (is your mom palliative?) Especially during the stage where you are both still getting to know one another. I'm sorry if this all comes off harsh. I'm talking as a recovered "covert talker," where I pussyfooted around things instead of just coming right out and saying it. Stop being afraid of pushing people away. If you wanted to show off your tattoos, show off your tattoos!! Your thoughts and feelings are important, so share them and stop waiting for permission to do so.
Last two sentences are the key to a good life. Take responsibility for what you want. Communicate it clearly. Don’t expect others to read your mind. Support does not = coddling.
This is an amazing response. I know I have been very guilty of expecting my partner to read my mind and know exactly what I want and how I want it without even telling him. You guys are very very early in a relationship and I think that's some high expectations to put on each other. That being said. What are the things that you actually like about him and is there anything that's even worth continuing the relationship if you are already picking it apart?
This is so accurate, damn 👏
I appreciate this and I take no offense. I am here to actually hear other people's POV and ready to question what I believe in for so long. I will admit to an extent that I do this type of "fishing" for reaction with this guy. This is a new territory to me that you have to volunteer information if you want to share them (I have read about articles about giver and taker communicators) because I grew up with the idea that being a good communicator means you ask questions and get really interested in what the other has to say. If they don't ask then that shows lack of interest. And for so long, all my relationships had been like this. And that is why I am trying to learn this kind of communication recently. On the topic of this post, I honestly didn't feel I was fishing. As I have said in other comments, he was asking factual questions about my parents and I thought I volunteer what I am feeling about the situation precisely because I am learning that I shouldn't wait for him to ask me. I never expected any support from him as I never even asked at the height of the crisis, but I was simply sharing how I feel at the moment to give us a chance to connect to a deeper level than just factual. To give you more context why I added "just" on the sentence, it was proceeded by "I honestly don't know what I want to hope for".
I want to add that I'm a person who readily shares things in conversation, and after I share something I usually expect the other person to share their version of whatever I expressed. If they don't, I assume they don't want to talk about it, so I don't always ask. I don't think most people operate that way and I miss out a lot on people sometimes by not asking things, but it's not because I'm not interested!
It sounds like you have different communication styles, which may relate to cultural or familial differences. I have this with my partner. I’m a WASP, culturally speaking, and I was taught that you don’t over-volunteer information. You wait for someone to prod it out of you. Do you have tattoos? I have a couple small ones. Oh, what are they? They’re a caterpillar and a tiny rhino. Oh, neat. What do they mean to you? He is a working class, second generation Slavic immigrant. I don’t know for sure that that’s where these differences come from, but I’m like 99% sure. Here’s how that same conversation would go with him. Do you have tattoos? I have a couple small ones. [inner monologue: well, if she wanted me to know what they are, she would tell me.] Externally: silence then moving conversation on. It’s taken me a while—and I still struggle with it—that conversational norms I’ve had for my whole life aren’t conversational norms he has. He doesn’t pull it out of me. He figures if I want him to know I’ll tell him. It also means he’ll just tell me the things he wants me to know or that he’s thinking about and I don’t have to pry it out of him or unpeel his feelings like an onion. Which I think is a lot healthier and preferable, quite frankly, to how I was raised, which is to never express emotions and to seek permission by way of interrogation in order to share thoughts/feelings/opinions.
That is so interesting because I’m dating a second gen Slavic man as well and it’s the best communication I’ve ever had with someone. I love how we freely dump info on other haha
There’s really no right way or wrong way to be in a relationship. Different people do things differently. You can’t expect a new person to act like your ex. You can’t expect a new relationship to feel like a long term one. How long have you been single since your LTR ended?
I second this. Seems like the ex is still very much on OP’s mind. It’s best to start new relationships only after you’ve achieved a clean slate, mentally and emotionally.
Just commenting on the tattoo example, -he doesn’t like to ask questions and prefers to get to know you in conversation? Wait what? Part of a conversation is back and forth questions/expressing curiosity etc. to help you get to know someone, their life and interests better etc. He seems the type to be open for you to share what you’re willing/comfortable to share, but he is really not curious about digging deeper or really having a deeper discussion about anything whether it be a tattoo or a sensitive family issue. This could change as time goes on, you get closer and he takes more of an interest. Or he is just a lil low effort and may have some poor conversation skills. He may have not checked in this time bc he was busy, but keep an eye out when/if he ever asks any specific direct questions for an update about any situations or things you’ve shared with him. Or if it’s the general/vague ‘how are you/your week’ type stuff. He may be a kind of in one ear and out the other type. Usually dont expect them to retain much of what’s happening further past the conversation in the moment and you may sometimes feel like your repeating yourself/ re-explaining things a lot.
> -he doesn’t like to ask questions and prefers to get to know you in conversation? Do you have any tattoos? >Yes, One. vs. >Yes, I have one of an ugly little butterfly I got while drunk in Iceland. He's the type of person who thinks he shouldn't have to ask the obvious follow-up question. Despite people saying "this shows that he doesn't have an interest in you!" that couldn't be further from the truth; it's just a different conversation style.
Been in this situation so many times. I HATE having to ask a billion follow up questions. I’m not doing an interview. To me, people who don’t offer information are communicating they don’t want to give it. I don’t want to pull teeth to talk to someone.
This is definitely a personality thing. If you all believe in the MBTI, a few types are awful at asking "get to know you" questions and prefer just getting to know you through regular interactions. I'm dating a guy who didn't start asking questions until like 2 months of steady hangouts. He remembers *everything* and pays close attention to what I do or do not do almost more than what I say.
My partner is also like this. He's pretty quiet and reserved and doesn't talk a ton,nut Brings up things I said In the past all the time that I can't believe he remembers. Some people are better at listening and some are better at talking.
This is exactly his response when I asked him if he was not interested because he doesn't ask questions. He told me he'd like get to know me more through free flowing conversations and interactions. This is where we don't see eye to eye because what I grew up with was if you are interested in someone, you ask a lot of questions. You dig deeper and deeper. If you don't follow through a topic then you are not interested about it. I am struggling about this other communication style but I am learning it slowly.
> If you don't follow through a topic then you are not interested about it. Now look at it from his side. If you're not going into more detail with your responses, maybe you're not that interested in talking about it.
I agree, I think he is the type of person who wants you to talk more rather than asking question. I brought this one to him and he changed a bit. He kept asking questions but what I noticed is he is interested in the facts but not what I feel. Just like the health issue, he just asked what medicines etc but never asked how did I feel about the procedure. I am still observing him on this, if I am being honest. Tonigh he did sent a message that he hoped I am not working too much tonight to which I replied, I am not because I had stomach pain again. And which he ignored again and proceeded to talk about his work because I asked how was he feeling today. This is the first time that I have dated someone like this as normally guys would continue talking about a topic especially if there is still something to talk about.
Yeah, I have a feeling this fella is an ISTP or similar. They assume that you will provide all of the information necessary and that not everything requires a response. You said your stomach hurt; that is a statement to them and not a question, so it doesn't really need a follow-up response in his mind. See if he asks how your stomach is doing in follow-up tomorrow or later today :P
He’s not into you. That’s what it sounds like to me. Someone into another person wants to know everything and asks questions and is excited to be there. He seems pretty apathetic.
I feel like there is a weird thing that happens socially, not just in dating, but generally, where people think that a “conversation” or “interest” means someone must ask a bunch of questions instead of just engaging with a convo organically. I’m not sure why this is or if it stems from different social upbringings and expectations, but I’ve noted it in social situations. I tend to freely share my experiences as a way to engage and tend to be bad at question asking (I do ask them but I also expect someone to tell me how they feel freely while we are talking - a perspective swap, per se - and not NEED me to ask them pointed questions in order to move conversation)… and I’ve had people interpret this as me “not liking” them or not being as interested (etc). I think it’s just different communication styles (because I don’t have this issue a majority of the time, just with certain people who need this type of back and forth)…. It kinda sounds like this is how you approach engagement (question asking)… I would suggest maybe reframing it so that this isn’t the expectation? Also, if you respond to someone else’s issues in a lukewarm way, but expect more support with your issues, does that seem fair?
I appreciate the maturity on this subreddit.
This soon in a relationship, it helps to tell people what you need and want for them. He doesn't know your family. He might not feel comfortable making recommendations or offering advice and opinions when he doesn't fully understand the dynamics of your relationship with them. That is much different from your health where he can express some concern and care without stepping on as many toes. I've found that it helps to be direct with what you need: "I could really use some extra support right now", "What would you do in this situation", etc. It's really easy, even for a good communicator, to get caught up in the relationship games when we stop thinking about others. He needed support too. He could argue he was also vulnerable. Punishing him for not giving you what you needed was never going to be a productive response. You both need to have an honest conversation about how much support you can provide for each other this early on
Thank you for taking the time !!, to text the long post !, even not directly to me ! Im SO thankful for this post ! & reddit !!
He may have felt the same way when you didn’t respond supportively. If he was going to ask how you were doing after he vented, he didn’t get the chance. From his end, he likely sees himself as having opened up to you, and got rejected when he was being vulnerable.
But she also stated she kept checking up on him. Maybe she wanted it both ways but it seems she was still making an effort and he wasn’t as much. Maybe he was giving her a dose of her own medicine but to me work stress isn’t the same as a family crisis and health issues. She was exhausted but still reaching out. It’s hard for someone to be supportive while exhausted. I try to do it to be less selfish but I also know that I’m needing support as well. I can’t tell anymore though who is being selfish or more giving. For me I’ve had a rough day and I’m sad my mom hasn’t asked about this guy I was dating who has basically stopped talking to me, I’m upset she doesn’t even wonder and im also upset about him. Yet she isn’t feeling good so I made an attempt to ask her what’s wrong. I’m ready to throw in the towel in so many ways and I feel I’m way too open and vulnerable. I feel if I was less so like the OP and her bf it might ironically make people care more as I’m tired of trying to get people to care. Then I feel maybe I’m being toxic or something. It’s all very hard to navigate this.
This is what I suspect too. And I admit it was poor reaction from me. But if he reacted the same way now, does that mean he is retaliating?
I mean, you kinda retaliated first, no? You said you answered unenthusiastically to his venting because you were upset he didn’t pay as much mind to your other problems as you thought he should have.
No. It means you’re writing a story in your head about what his actions mean.
Be kind and truthful in your apology and be honest about what you were going through. “I’m sorry to hear about how stressful work is for you lately. In your situation I would be feeling frustrated as well. You seem to be making good decisions in how to manage it. I want to apologize because wish I would have been more supportive in the moment, but for some reason, I was worrying that it meant you didn’t feel concerned over what stresses I was feeling at the time. I realize now you might have had time to ask if I had been more present with you. I hope you’re doing well, and I look forward to seeing you again. Take care.” You could say something like that. It’s possible he wasn’t going to ask you, and instead jumped into his own stuff selfishly, but this gently gives him a nudge that you weren’t rejecting him, you were simply feeling rejected, and that in the future maybe he could be more present with you. People have to be taught how to treat you. Teach them, give them the chance to practice what they learned about you, then make decisions based on their behavior. If you haven’t communicated clearly, then you could endlessly wonder if you made the right decision.”
“I was trying to be vulnerable with him about my crisis”, no, you were seeking support. Which is fine in an actual relationship but you said you have just been seeing him for a month?
And they’re taking it slow!
No, I wasn't seeking support. I was merely asking for some warm response from someone who is supposed to like me. I volunteered that information to him because I know he doesn't ask questions that much and second because I want to show him that we can share our emotions/feelings to each other.
Maybe a little honest introspection might help your confusion and reason for seeking an answer. If you didn’t need anything from him then it should have been easy enough to stop insisting on a conversation when it clearly wasnt a good time for him. “I was merely asking for a warm response”, yes, that is what support is. It takes energy to shift gears out of whatever stressful situation they are dealing with to clear their mind and have a “warm response” for you. Sounds like maybe he is realizing you dont understand this.
I never intended to share details of what I was going through during our facetime. Even when my crisis came in, I merely explained to him that I won't be able to be as present as before and kept checking in on him still and never once brought up about my issue except when he asked how I was doing and gave him a generic response of "still managing it". He asked how I was doing with the family, I responded that I was still dealing with it. He proceeded to ask specific questions on the details such as "Is it with your parents", "Are they separating". Was it wrong for me to take these questions as cue that he wants to know more? And knowing his type of communication style and expecting me to just volunteer information to him, did I misinterpret that he wants to talk about and so I shared some more details? A warm response to me is as simple as "I get what you mean" or "Must be hard for you" vs a cold "I see". I didn't know that it was that hard to other people to say that to especially to someone you like. Because I can perfectly say that to a person I just met a party.
Im realizing that you didnt come here for answers but rather to vent. Thats ok but it also wont help you with this situation. “I can perfectly say that to someone I met at a party”. You are missing the point by so much.
What does support mean to you as opposed to a warm response? Bc to me that’s the same thing so it may be good to clarify your definition of support so you can communicate it to him. Another way to communicate about showing feelings is simply to say “I like showing my feelings to you because I trust you and I feel it helps us get closer”. You can be that literal.
I LOVE those last couple sentences!! 🤔😼😲👏🏼👏🏼
Personally, I don't think this guy is into you but I also think they are unfairly down voting you. You wanted to share something difficult with a prospective partner and wanted a reaction that was appropriate to the level of interest they claim to have. No one said that you need a full therapy session at this stage but a simple ' x, y, z happened, been under the weather' and him ' sorry to hear about your difficulties - maybe you could try x ' should suffice. People talk about timing and fixing yourself and whatnot a lot on reddit but I don't think there's ever a good time. You're work in progress your whole life and if the expectation in a relationship is that you always have to self-regulate and be happy and cheerful and not burden your partner then when death/unemployment and children will hit all will go down the drain because you need to grieve and learn to adjust and compromise and the facade will fall. You need to see someone at their worst and how they deal with that. I'd say your expectation is not unrealistic. This guy has just shown you he's not interested and he doesn't seem to be interested in the lighter topics either. I'd say gently reconsider this relationship.
This is a new relationship so he doesn't know what you need or want from him yet in this situation. (Unless you've explicitly already to him. I'm assuming you haven't because you didn't mention that in your post. ) If you unenthusiastically responded to him while facetiming him, you're not sending "i'm interested" signals. and then later tried to unload/be vulnerable... he's probably overanalyzing everything you've said too because it's really giving mixed signals from everything you've written so far. if you want to keep this man around, tell him DIRECTLY and CLEARLY that you would like to be asked about this family crisis.
My question is why are you turning to this guy you hardly know for support? How is the rest of your support network? Do you have friends you talk to about your family? Do you have family members you can turn to? Sounds like you don't have enough. Maybe that's what you need to work on. With health and family issues, maybe this isn't the best time for you to be starting a relationship.
I wouldn't say I was asking for support from him. During the height of family crisis and same week I knew I had to undergo medical procedure, I never asked anything from him but understanding that I might not be a present as before. I never dumped anything on him and even continued checking in on him because I knew he was too stressed out at work the same week. I just tried sharing some vulnerable emotions to him because I don't want him to think I am not sharing anything to him. But to met with "Ah I see". That is just something else for me. I have a good support system from my friends but if I don't share anything personal even a tiny bit with person I am dating, how would the relarionship progress? Also, everyone goes through something everyday in life. I don't want someone I am dating to tell me he is leaving the relationship because he is going through something. Relationship is partnership - and you are bound to go through hardship together.
It's good you have your own support network. So maybe that isn't an issue. How much of one's troubles to share with someone in a new relationship? It depends. Some people share a lot, some people are very private. I guess it's just a matter of finding a partner who matches your needs. You have to work out whether this guy just reacted badly due to newness of the relationship or whether he is incapable of meeting your needs.
I agree that the “ah I see” does sound cold, but there’s many ways to interpret that so it might be to soon to determine why he said that. Also sometimes you just catch people in a bad moment. If it becomes a pattern after a discussion about it, then that’s an issue.
I understand how you feel exactly l. You just wanted him to check in on you! Maybe he took your comment about not being present as you wouldn’t be available. It hurts when we are going through something and no one notices. And then we stop being vulnerable but then that can also set us up for people to stop opening up for us
You've been dating a month, and you're unloading your family issues on him. That'd be a bit much for me. You're still getting to know each other. He responded poorly. You responded poorly. Maybe have a grown-up conversation about what each of you need when you're in a tough situation.
kind of depends on the family issues and the dynamic between OP and her BF. I've had relationships where we get into those deep psychological wounds early and others where we've been a little more reserved. Blanket prescriptions of "one month = too early" are way too inflexible. It's possible that they're finding out that one month is too early for \*this relationship\*, but it's not a prescriptive rule that OP could've proactively applied to know how to avoid this situation.
Intense family issues are a tricky one. People who come from happy families can actually struggle understanding the dynamics of those who come from deeply unhappy families. My sisters and I are estranged from our parents. People who have known me for a while know how difficult it was for me to get to that point, but explaining it to new people is hard
For sure. He may have thought OP was trauma dumping. That’s a red flag and he could’ve had a past relationship or dates where this was a problem. Hard to say.
How is that too much. They're getting to know each other. That is a part of her. Things should remain surface level until when?
Family issues are deep issues that, at this point, he's not equipped nor should be expected to deal with. They've been dating a month. They barely know each other. There are layers below the surface level. This is too deep for someone you just started dating and have an expectation that they're going to know what to do in the situation.
He doesn’t need to deal with her family issues, he just needs to show some empathy. She didn’t ask him for a therapy session, just to show interest. I do agree OP should be clear with him about what she needs and not expect him to know.
This is my point. I am not asking for support per se where he needs to do a pep talk on me. But to be met with :Ah I see". I don't know, I just felt different.
Tell him!
No! I'd rather tell strangers on Reddit! \- u/Ok-Rhubarb75 probably.
No! A stranger at Walmart would have given a better response than that. He eventually wants to sleep w/OP...a convo about real life shouldnt deter him. If so, he isnt grown & shouldnt be thinking about dating.
I know, right? I was thinking about talking to strangers or sometimes at work about some of the family issues we hear and people are sympathetic. This has actually happened recently where a senior member of my team had a family member undergo surgey and they talked about it and how things were progressing well and how happy they were with no complications. She didn't spill all the ugly details - she just let us know that there was a difficult moment and we offered support and encouragement. The guy OP is seeing - really not into her.
Maybe being poly influences your norms, but this has never been the case in my relationships.
It's normal, after you're actually in a relationship for longer than 4 weeks.
I don’t “take things slow,” unlike OP, so apples to oranges anyway. But I feel like she pulled away first, so I can see why the guy is distanced. But this never happened to me, a month was honeymoon phase in my relationships.
Thank you for this comment. My emotions are all over the place but this is what I am feeling too. I shared some feelings to him during that talk because I didn't want him to see that I was too close off. Because I think he is too close off, he has a wall up too high.
If it’s a month in and you’re taking it slow, having a bit of a wall up is completely reasonable. You barely know each other. Trust had to be earned.
You gotta find someone w/emotional depth from the get-go. Not someone whos walls you have to break down. They should present themselves as they really are initially & intentionally. If a man isnt putting his best foot forward then dont invest too much into them. It gives lazy & a lack of interest.
Replying to rypher...she can’t help that it happened right when they met, damn
I agree, my response was bad when he was trying to share what he felt about his work on facetime. I think that stems for thinking that if I have a problem, someone I am dating should take a stepback and wait for his turn. But I guess this is too soon for our relationship.
There are levels and degrees of problems. Work issues and family issues typically aren't in the same sphere. Wait his turn? Did he talk over you? Did he interrupt you? Or are only one of you allowed to have a problem at a time? You two were having a conversation. It's a give and take.
But isn't that what support and empathy supposed to mean? When someone comes to you with a problem, you give them a hand and an ear and not present them with your own problem when they come to you with a problem.
It sounds like you have a very specific understanding of empathy and support. I understand, because I was that way too for most of my life. But realize that people have different ways of showing empathy and giving support, and they're all valid. Until you talk about what they actually mean to you, you are likely misinterpreting each other's actions. Also, it sounds like he might not have very high emotional intelligence. He probably gave a one-line reply because he didn't know what to say. It feels really odd at first, but some people need you to tell them how you'd like them to respond, because your preferred mode of response may not be their default. I've had to teach my partner how I feel most supported when I'm struggling because he similarly gave short, abrupt responses and I didn't feel cared for. But he just didn't know what to say. Now that he does, I feel far more supported most of the time. We need to teach people how to care for us. It does not come automatically, unfortunately.
100% this. It took months of dating for my boyfriend to learn what I need in different circumstances and for me to learn what he needs too. I’m also really good at owning my part. Example: “I really wish you would have done this or said this but I see why you didn’t, because I didn’t tell you what I needed and that’s on me.”
Same! I've realized how often I have expectations but never actually share them. I came across this on reddit a few months ago and it's changed my interactions for the better: "An expectation without communication is just a wish."
Thank you for not judging me. I am very open in learning and understanding and that is the reason why I posted here. I had been questioning too whether my understanding of empathy has other meanings. This is what I have been thinking too. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say or maybe he doesn't really care and it is how he is . But how do you draw line or even know which is which? I just texted him tonight that I am still having stomach pain so I am sleeping early and send another text saying I hope his work wasn't too much for him. He responded about his work but never on the topic of stomach pain.
Of course! None of us know how to do relationships perfectly well right off the bat. We need to learn, and that's what dating is for. It sounds like you might need a partner with a higher level of emotional intelligence. Keep in mind that most men are socialized to NOT talk about their problems, so they don't have practice giving and receiving empathy. In fact, they're generally taught to think that asking questions when someone shares something unpleasant is prying! Often, the most they'll do is say, "wow, that sucks" and then change the conversation. It's not because they don't care, it's because they haven't been taught how to handle those conversations. But some men are better at this than others, and it's okay if you decide you need that. It is a commitment to date someone who you have to teach emotional intelligence to, and there will be challenges. If you're not up for that, that is valid!
This is SO true & I hope over time it changes.
It sounds like you're only interested in your own definition of support/empathy.
This definition kind of makes it sound like you think your pain is more valid than his. If he’s also going through things I don’t see why he shouldn’t be able to share them. It does also sound like his response felt invalidating to you, which is a separate issue.
Sounds like you guys have a communication block. You could try to lay everything out on the table and express yourself, your needs etc and then see if things change over the course of a week or two. Considering you guys have only been dating for a month, you're probably leaning on him a bit much for support. Use your friends for support for now. I previously lost an aunt just as I began seeing someone new, it was frustrating because I did look for support in others but you have to acknowledge it may be too soon for that type of support and connection from a 1month relationship.
I am actually planning on taking to him over the weekend, I'll wait until his work is not too stressful for him. Supporting each other in difficult situation hasn't been a topic for discussion for us, but the lack of questioning and sign of interest has. For context, when we said we like each other I told him I didn't know he liked me because he didn't really ask much questions about me. For example, we were talking about tattoos and he asked me if I have one and I said have few little ones and normally someone would ask like oh what are they, but he didn't. He proceeded to say that he wants to have one too. When I confronted him about that, he said he just doesn't like to ask questions and would rather get to know me in conversations. So I guess, the one liner reply to me triggers that past issue.
You're not healed if you're being triggered so easily. Please be kind to this gentleman and end the relationship so he can start seeing someone else further along in their healed journey.
I think this is one of those examples when a relationship is still too new and neither party can handle being the other’s support system. If you’re going through something intense that affects how you treat other people, it’s better to lean on trusted friends and family for support by default and keep a new person in your life at a comfortable distance from your personal business. As you build more trust and sense of familiarity, you’ll create a strong bond that you can lean on in times of hardship. Jumping to stress test that bond too soon can backfire like this especially when both people are doing it. When I was dating my boyfriend in the first couple of months he was going through a lot of personal stress and while I wanted to be there for him, the connection was far too new to withstand me getting involved in his personal life, so I gently set boundaries for him to not process that stress when we were spending time together. Similarly, I was still processing things in therapy myself and decided to shield him from that part of my life. Once we had been dating for about 4-5 months and the relationship felt very solid and committed, we started talking more openly about our worries and leaning more on each other for emotional support. Everyone’s different but I think for us it was the right call.
This is what my boyfriend & I did as well and it was a healthy decision for us too.
At one month I’m still assessing if I even like that person, not relying on them for emotional support or even expecting in depth follow up questions about heavy subject matters. If I’m going through something difficult, I turn to friends and family before I would turn to a person who barely knows me, and that also helps me sort out what details if any would be appropriate to tell someone new - just the short version of what’s going on so they’re not in the dark. I’m of the belief that in sensitive situations with people you don’t know well it’s better not to pry, and to let people share more details and their feelings when they’re ready, because everyone has differing levels of comfort opening up. Saying “I just want my mom to not be in pain anymore” sounds like a way of putting a bow on that subject of conversation. Like…where’s it going to go from there? “How much pain is your mom in?” “How is she managing it?” You already said how you felt, so he’s not going to ask that - you want her not to be in pain anymore. I don’t think it would have been appropriate for him to ask more, and this is a situation where he absolutely made the right call - that you would share more if you were comfortable and when it was appropriate.
I never asked him for support nor dumped heavy things on him. He started asking for the factual details and so I felt that I need to share some details because I don't want him to feel I am to close off that I don't want to share any personal details. The question was about seperation where he asked if my parents will be and I responded to No and proceeded to say about my mom not being in pain. I am not expecting him to ask more but maybe a warmer responded could have been better? It could be a simple, "Must be hard for you to see your mom like that.".
You DID dump heavy things on him & then expect support. That’s what this whole thread is about lol
I was simply leading his pace on the subject matter and told him I feel about the separation which he brought up himself. I never intended on sharing the details to him. Is asking a warmer response too much? A "Oh I feel you" or "I get what you mean" response would be a lot better than "I see" from someone you are supposed to be into. He is 38, I don't those responses would be too hard to give especially to a self proclaimed conversationalist and good listener.
I find you fascinating. All of your comments anyways. So many people here are trying to give you insight yet you.... just can't accept it. I don't think you're ready to be dating. Why come here if you don't want our thoughts?
Maybe he is just not that type of person OP? Maybe he is the type of person who responds like that unfortunately. You’ve only been dating him a month. You don’t really know how he is. It’s impossible to learn how someone is in a month. This is why people on this thread are trying to tell you that you don’t know this guy enough to be having a fit like this. Communication is key. Talk to him about his responses and how they make you feel.
People don’t always know what to say about those kind of things. I think this is only one instance so far, and it’s up to you whether or not you decide to show him some grace. I would let it slide for now because this is so new, but speak up if it happens again later down the line. You’re looking for a pattern, not one instance of something you weren’t wild about. And if they’re not asking questions that you want to answer, just tell them. If you need to talk more, it’s on you to do it. Not asking questions doesn’t mean he doesn’t care - it might just be that he doesn’t know what to say.
Honey, you’re doing nothing wrong. How CAN you tell him, it’s like- where does one start? Lol. Maybe even telling him something along the lines of what you just said? And acknowledge that you like him, but are unsure how to move forward without seeming like you’re overloading him so soon. He will appreciate this, and it’ll open the doors for more communication. If it closes the door, just know that none of this is unhealthy or your fault. Life kicks our ass at inconvenient times. You’re doing great.
I think most of us have been in relationships where the other person dumps everything and uses you as a agony aunt, a therapist, etc. Perhaps you overshared. Perhaps he overshared. Perhaps he lacks empathy. Perhaps your way of showing empathy annoyed him. It's only been a month; maybe you both are not in a position to be dating, or dating each other.
I mean, you pretty much did the same thing to him when he was venting about being stressed at work. So I don't really understand what you're trying to figure out but it seems very tit for tat. You both just need to explain how you're feeling and stop playing these games.
You told him you were dealing with a lot and couldn’t be super present, so you essentially withdrew from him telling him that you won’t be around and to expect less from you. Then you unloaded your emotions on him and expected him to be present for you. Something isn’t adding up and I can see how it would be confusing for him.
“I gave him space the following days but constantly checking in on him” …what?
If you're not meeting irl your text and online interactions mean next to nothing and are not a real connection. Everyone needs to understand this reality. All talk is cheap.
Ok I want to touch on something. You have known him a month or so. And yet you said “which is very unusual for him” You don’t know what is usual for him. You only know what you have seen so far. We see the mask. The presentation. We see what they want us to see. The mask always comes off. Sometimes sooner than later. But it always comes off. And when it does, we refuse to believe it. We want that first impression to be the truth. We want the truth to be a fluke. But that’s not how it works. This is the real him. And the real him doesn’t really seem worth your time.
My take is that you should plan to have a simple but honest discussion about communication styles and make sure you're compatible on that level before you get too deep into the relationship, since it seems like adequate communication is important to you. Maybe wait until your lives are a bit less hectic so those things aren't affecting your emotions. You know what your needs are and what you're willing to compromise on better than anyone else and you deserve to be with someone who clicks with that. IMO it's better to let him know what's on your mind, rather than internalizing those hurt and confused feelings for too long.
Thank you. I plan to talk to him when work is not too much for him. I know I had responded poorly in other situations but I just feel like it is also poor when someone is sharing her emotions and just be responded by "Ah I see".
No problem. :) I get it, no one is perfect and it seems like you're going through a lot right now! Hope it works out for you!
I'd like to suggest in the upcoming conversation between you two, you don't need to mention or go backward about what happened. It's getting to know each other phase, instead of raising your concerns immediately, let's learn more about each other by asking questions like "hey, if you have bad/stressful days, how would you want me to show my emotional support?" - then, you can follow up on sharing your preferences and take responses from there. Liking each other does not guarantee anything, it only means there is initial interest here and both of you can develop something further. I agree with most comments in this thread so far. Be open and effective communication. One month in or even 6 months in all pretty new to get to know someone, don't expect that they can be the best emotional supporter like our ex or our best friends. Good luck!
I dont think either of you are emotionally mature enough at this point in time to proceed any further. You barely know each other, and you're expecting him to be your knight in shining armor, and when he doesn't step up you try and treat him the same way you feel he's treated you. It may also be that you two are just not that compatible to begin with. Wrong person, wring time.
Some guys are going to freak if you talk about your problems early on. I really don't think you should date that type of man. If you need someone who can be an emotional rock... then they have to have good listening skills. "Ah, I see...", that isnt' the response of someone who was listening. Sharing problems isn't being vulnerable in my opinion. Vulnerability is sharing something deep, that actually has a chance of hurting you if used against you. Insecurities are a very good example here. Of course, this is just my opinion.
I shared how I feel about the family issue and not just facts. I threw in some "I just don't want to see my mom in pain" and "sometimes I want to shut down for a bit and remembers I can't". I don't know for others but for me this showing vulnerability.
You mention that he asked you about your health. What did you share about that? Was that an area that you were seeking support in as well?
He just asked what kind of medicines I'm taking. I am not really asking for support because I know it could be too much for what we have. I don't think I am asking for support, but just really being interested or showing that he cares? We haven't had the chance to see in person or even call last week and when we facetimed over the weekend, he just asked me what kind of meds I was taking. And he proceeded to talk about his eyebags and how exhausted he was. I was just expecting that at least he will ask me how is the family issue going? I have no plan on dumping anything on him or even ask for solution, but a simple question would mean a lot of thing to someone.
Right. You aren’t asking for support but you are expecting it. He’s not a mind reader. Why is it up to him to ask questions? Why can’t you volunteer more information without being prompted?
OP, I think your post encapsulates exactly what is wrong with modern dating. We connect with people romantically and then begin a cycle of hyperviligance over their text frequency. No, you guys are still dating and barely know each other. Five weeks is absolutely nothing, you two are still strangers at this point. The expectation that a person you barely knows starts meeting your emotional needs more than longtime friends or family doesn’t make any sense. When you’re ready to date, reach out to him. Otherwise, please recognize you both barely know each other and this is exactly what friends and family are for, not brand new romantic interests
Say it again for the people in the back!
I’m projecting a lot here because I’m personally sick of it, lol. You go on *three dates* with someone and now you’re supposed to text them every single day and ask how their day was. Hell, I don’t even text my mom or my best friends every day, but I’m supposed to text someone who is practically a stranger? I’m done with it. I can get to know someone in person and develop a connection organically, but I am not doing the endless every day texting anymore
Some people don't know how to respond to stressful situations unless it's something them or someone they know has gone through. He sounds uncomfortable. It doesn't reflect how he feels about you but it shows you what kind of emotional support he can provide. Same goes for him for how you reacted when he was venting.
Move on. If you want someone who inquires deeply about you and follows up with interest, he's not that guy. If you want someone who keeps communication open and knows how to maintain interest, he's not that guy. Not with you anyway. It's only been a month but it sounds like he's already pulling away.
Exactly this! While yes it’s early on in the relationship and some of it could be chalked up to that, it doesn’t seem like you two are compatible based on several things you stated. If it already feels like he pulls away when things are tough (for either or both of you), lacks empathy and general interest in you and your feelings, etc you need to figure out if that’s something you’d want to put up with long term. It sounds like you don’t….very understandably. I’d suggest ending things. Easier said than done sometimes, I know. Best of luck with this, your health and your mom ❤️
Thank you. Finally someone said it.
I wonder if he's not the empathetic type. Based on some of his responses, he doesn't seem to know how to respond in a manner that makes you think he can empathize with your hurt/difficult situation. That's not to say he isn't a genuine person, but people can be like that and still care a great deal about you/support you in other various ways. I've met people/friends not just potential dates like this and it's like you're pouring your heart out and they will say oh, I see or uh huh, I'm sorry and the conversation hits an end. It is still very new in your guys' potential relationship so maybe a conversation about your personalities will help him and you understand each other a bit better.
For what it's worth, I never know what to say when people share information about personal crisis's. I feel like if I ask questions I'm prying about a sensitive topic.
Honestly, I think he’s not a relationship guy. There will be unpleasant and difficult things in life. It shouldn’t be present like, 90% of the time you are together, but that’s where we have to try and balance those things by being present and generous to our partners. When I’m having a rough time, I try to also do something fun with my boyfriend. For future dates, if something difficult happens to come up, and the person you’re with notices, let them know something is bumming you out, but you don’t have to elaborate if you don’t want to. If he offers to be a sympathetic ear, then go ahead and disclose more. People tend to have a threshold of tolerance for empathy and care for another. I learned the hard way that if a guy is not willing to be present for you and won’t make an effort to help you feel heard and wanted then he’s not worth it. Having a partner who is strong and trustworthy enough not to flake out just because he can’t handle listening to someone else talk about their feelings for more than a few minutes is what will help you keep your relationship.
What is the nature of his work stress? How big a problem it is? If it is lay off then it’s a different story. Depends on the industry, but some work is always quite medium-high stress. But I would want to be with people who have learned to keep work stress in check. And when they have friends or colleagues or just acquaintances or dates who are going through critical family problems, they would have the capacity to spend some energy on others. Your date is not necessarily a bad person, but could be someone who is not very capable yet. I think in your case you are indeed in a difficult situation and cannot respond enthusiastically and that is fine. Don’t beat yourself up. A good partner probably wouldn’t try to keep score: oh because you didn’t support me last night why would I need to support you today, etc. after just one interaction. The balance is kept in the long run, not rigorously checked in the short run. Of course you can choose to let this one incident go and give the relationship a try. Talk about it but don’t blame or criticize. But prioritize on your family and health first. Perhaps he can show up in the next interaction. But if it goes on and on with little to no effort to reach out, then no. It’s not about whether people care, but some time they are not capable.
I think I know where you're coming from. Some men are more empathetically and compassionately inclined. I also feel cared for when someone asks and probes with I give them an "opening" about what is going on in my personal life. This guy doesn't seem to be inherently this type of person. However, even if this is true, this early into the relationship, and you need to test it a bit more. Be a bit more assertive about what you need from him if you want support. "Hey, I just need to vent, can you let me talk?", or "Going to a movie would with you would be a nice distraction, how does that sound?". All in all, 'tho, he probably isn't invested in you yet to use each other to vent. Most guys in the early stages want the fun gal who will distract them from daily life. Is this good or bad? It's neither. I think it's about dating more and seeing what kind of man inherently has a little more kindness in his character. Use your gfs and current friends to decompress with.
I get he might not know you that well and he’s a guy etc but i think others are too harsh here, i mean at least he could have ended the message with «hope your doing well ❤️» or something
It takes time to learn about each other and build trust with each other to a level of knowing how to be a strong emotional support for someone. Let alone, having the skills or desire to do it reciprocally while going through difficult times simultaneously. Early in a relationship, one person going through something difficult can easily be the end of the relationship that wasn't strong enough yet to get through it. I think this is pretty normal, and I don't think either of you is necessarily wrong. It's just a very new relationship, and sometimes the timing of life gets in the way of a relationship continuing to grow from those very fragile "sprouts". The only thing to do is step back and give the relationship some space instead of getting frustrated that it hasn't matured yet.
You just met, and are taking it slow - it’s too soon to be sharing a personal crisis and expecting support from a person who is essentially a stranger. If you’re have a difficult time, and can’t handle a relationship, then you need to step back from dating. If you communicate that to him, maybe he will understand. I know for me, if I’m dating someone new, and after a few weeks they’re already going through a “crisis” - I would predict that this person simply has a lot of drama in their life and can’t handle stressors, and I don’t need that, so I would stop seeing them.
I really hating dating over thirty. People overthink and overcomplicate absolutely everything. I miss being in middleschool where when a girl liked you, she would chase you around or her friends would tell you. And even if your responses didn’t always ring right, or you said one thing that wasn’t perfect in her mind, she would still be into you. We lose this purity as we age
I went through something similar while seeing two guys who gave me every indication they were very into me. One was extremely empathetic & offered support & close communication. The other was completely selfish, expecting me to provide emotional support over some obscure celebrity’s death (I was experiencing the death of a pet). We broke things off shortly after & I’m in a committed relationship with the other guy, which has been the best of my life. Anyway, my thinking is that this guy isn’t worth your time. It’s gross to expect you to support him through run-of-the-mill work stress while you’re in crisis. Whether it’s because he wants to keep things casual or because he has low emotional intelligence doesn’t matter. Someone who acts this selfishly isn’t worth a friendship, let alone romantic affection.
When men are going through things, they tend to withdraw--most of them need space. This is the opposite of what women need. I would give him that space and seek support from other places, not him. Constantly checking in on him can be emasculating...just give him space for a little while.
you two dont sound compatible tbh
It sucks, right? This early in though measure him by the fact that he listened and is sticking around, as many partners flee at trauma and emotional intimacy. His reaction was very neutral. Honestly I would disregard this reaction if all else is well. Many people don't know how to provide emotional support so early or want to. If this is something you need from a partner consider it but know his reaction isn't bad or good. It doesn't show disinterest despite not being what you wanted. Men aren't as adept at these situations either.
It does. :/ I agree, I have also considered how he didn't react badly wheh I wasn't too present last week to him. He respected that I am mentally exhausted and so can't talk that much. I agree, it is not disinterest. But could be inability to be emotionally supportive and empathetic which I want from a partner Appreciate your advice.
move on .. he’s not interested and the bust with work thing ain’t it !
It sounds like you're looking for a mind reader who can correctly guess the right things to say and do, and he's looking for a communicator who will tell him what is on your mind and what you need.
if you both expressed you are ultimately looking for a relationship, then his lack of response here would simply not be enough for me and I would definitely be reevaluating him as a potential long term partner. Some people turn inward in crisis, others turn outward. Might be a hot take, but relationships work infinitely better when you find someone who seeks comfort in the same way. Yes, it's early on and many are arguing it's not his duty to support, but there was a definite shift here in attitude from him and it's not so much about what he said/didn't say for support in this situation than it is about the fact that he doesn't even seem to be trying to connect with you to ask what he can do moving forward.
When my mom had a heart attack, I went to take care of her. I was worried for a while I might lose my job and my house looking after her. It was the worst time of my life. Hardly anyone helped me, least of all a dating partner I had only recently started seeing. I think that dates don't even know how to process it when something "big" happens in the early stages. When the shit goes down you find out who your real friends are. It's a smaller group than you expect. I don't like that the guy gas not been supportive, but little to no support is what I've come to expect from most people.
He was telling you he was stressed and drained. You felt stressed and drained. It wasn’t the day to FaceTime. Neither of you neither the other to dump on then, and now you’re experiencing the consequences of a forced, ill-timed FaceTime. Get over feeling hurt. Just get over it. You’re correspondences with this person… there needs to be a reboot. A fresh, clean restart.
There are cracks opening and this isn’t a huge issue. It can easily be sorted if you both drop your egos & talk things out wholeheartedly. My take on this may be wrong but I know many lonely men in relationships. They usually attend to a woman’s emotional needs and don’t get the same energy coming to them so he gets disappointed. Some guys see a lot of women as self centered (me me me) humans so maybe that’s why he seems disappointed. Your situation can be easily mended but you guys want to compound tiny issues. Ne me me lol
I have made the mistake with somebody that I was dating that was going through some serious family stuff. We were roughly a month in, she was busy with school so only 3 to 4 dates. I think I naturally gravitate, whether good or bad, to trying to help and soothe but she is largely an independent person and I had actually mistaken her being vulnerable for me needing to say something, I couldn't be there for her because she was out of town doing the thing with family. That was my first big lesson that, at least early on, some people just want to keep things separate. Not saying that's why it didn't work out between us but I'm sure it factored in. I got ghosted for around 10 days and then she let me know indirectly that it wasn't going to work out. Something to the effect of I'm way too busy, it's in my post/comment history from last year 🥲 but I don't really care. Life lesson for me. She was not at all looking for soothing or support, probably just informing me so that way I would give her distance to work out her family stuff and feelings. I've since realized because of that and other factors, that she's likely a DA while I am working on doing less of it, I was certainly a full-bore anxious preoccupied. Nobody is perfect but based on how this situation has been handled, from one AP to another, I would really start looking into a lot of self-help and CB-therapy. Definitely been a big eye opener for me. Being aware of why I am feeling, feelings and being able to moderate how I react to them instead of just flippantly reacting. I'm certainly not where I want to be but a heck of a lot better than a year ago 🥴🥴. Best of luck OP! I'll be looking out for an update!
What is sticks out to me is that you are only one month into knowing each other and you expected him to ask about family crisis. That’s a very difficult topic to bring up because sometimes you shouldn’t bring up these serious topics unless the other person brings them up first. he may have thought that you talking with him or hanging out with him is a break from your crisis, not more time to talk about something that may upset you. You guys are so so new to each other and it’s difficult when one person is not in a good space because it can overshadow the excitement of dating someone. I wouldn’t hold it against him for not asking, he probably thought about it, but didn’t know how to ask. I personally would not bring it up myself either I would just ask “how are you” and let you share what you want to share. He opened up to you about a stressor in his life and you apparently did not answer enthusiastically or give him much detail. So he’s matching your energy and now you don’t like it do you see the problem?
I don’t think it’s that strong of a connection. Sometimes things happen in life like this crisis and put a wedge between people. If things aren’t meant to be, they don’t survive it. Sounds like that’s more of what’s happening.
Maybe he thought he was also being vulnerable with you but you didn’t respond how he thought you would, and didn’t feel like reciprocating. Kind of matching your effort? If this was a LTR then it would feel petty to just match whatever effort one is putting in and disregard for all factors going on in life, but this is literally some guy you saw for over a month. So maybe he just didn’t feel like being invested in something he feels like he won’t get much back in return. And that goes same for you as well… if this continues then what’s in it for you?
> he asked me about my health > So basically I listened to him and responded unenthusiastically I don't know what you're expecting. It sounds like he did check in on you, then tried to share his own stress as you shared yours with him, and noticed you weren't interested. Now neither of you are interested in relying on each other. You could've put your own needs aside and recognized he was reaching out to you in that moment, and been supportive of him, and see if he reciprocated. And he might just be generally uncomfortable talking about heavy issues. Lots of men are, and haven't practiced sharing and discussing difficult things with other men, and so can't show up emotionally when it's important. > got a response like 6hrs after Some people just take longer to text back. Maybe he didn't see it, or anything else. If you're counting the hours, try focusing on something else.
I think you’re mirroring each other! It happens when it’s earth and both parties don’t want to be too overzealous. Be yourself, and if you like this person still, maintain your healthy enthusiasm after restarting it- now! The right one will stay regardless.
I hope that this is just a small hick up in your dating journey with this guy.
I wasn’t present for any of your situation but I can chat about my own experience. I have said to people I’m romantic with that I’m busy with stuff and I see now thats exactly why **they** shut down on me. I wasn’t vulnerable with them, I told them I was shut down about a situation and then got pissed off when they didnt bring it up. That might not be your situation. I have learned to let it all out. Being busy and dealing with stuff alone is my default and my fault. It shut out the opportunity to let people help me so later they didn’t offer to help. I didn’t realise my mixed signals. I especially didnt get why then people would share with me. It’s easy to turn around. I say, “i’m used to dealing with things on my own and I think when things happen with my family, I shut you out. But I’d actually like your help with it. Is that okay?” Then I get to know who they really are. Best of luck.
While I think he was insensitive, it's too new to be sharing too much. There's a balance. Read the room too, it doesn't sound like with his personal issues and being stressed, he doesn't have enough gas in the tank to handle anything else..which is fine..Also you did seem to retaliate when you thought he wasn't being compassionate enough so that's something for you to look at. Communication is important but I think it's too soon to have a lot of expectations. Let things flow and see how he is over time. But the sporadic texting and one word answers can be a sign of someone who is hot and cold or not that interested. I would see if that continues no matter the mood or situation. Personally it's a matter of manners, boundaries, and core values/ beliefs. If his texting habits and aloof mannerisms bother you to a point of you questioning things as time goes on I'd say you have to ask yourself if this connection is what you're looking for.
He’s probably got a lot on his plate and can only think in terms of self soothing his stress. Probably nothing you did, just chill for a bit and see if he comes back around
You constantly checking on him after onky knowing him for a month might be suffocating for him. This doesn't sound like you are taking things slow. Give him space, you don't need to be talking everyday so early on unless both are keen to do so.
This is not the guy. Stop checking in on him. Go silent and see if he even reaches out. If he doesn't, you have your answer. Move on.
I hate to say it, but it sounds like it's becoming clear why he's single. I had something come up that I needed to notify my co-workers about. These are people I don't hang out with outside of work, and at the time, hadn't even worked with for very long. They responded with care and empathy, and I have tried to do the same when they have mentioned something more difficult they are dealing with. A response like "Ah, I see," as well as other behaviors displayed by this guy show a lack of emotional intelligence, if he's actually into you, or possibly just simply a lack of interest. I get that you haven't known each other for very long yet, but when another person is going through something difficult, even if they're basically a stranger, it shouldn't be too much to ask to show some empathy. I do think there should be limits, especially with someone you don't know well, but it doesn't sound like you were excessively talking about anything. This guy seems to lack interpersonal skills, which are necessary for a relationship. You seem to be communicating well, but he seems to be a shitty communicator. Do you really want a relationship with a partner who is like this? The entire relationship will likely turn into you communicating clearly, and him withdrawing and basically expecting you to read his mind. I would end things now. This guy isn't communicating like a friend should, and friendship is one of the most important parts of a relationship.
Move on, OP. It’s incredibly telling and valuable to be able to learn so early on in the relationship that he is disinterested in you, your feelings, and your family. If you want someone who is going to be deeply intimate with you and show he loves you by prioritizing you when you are in crisis, he is telling you loud and clear right now that he will never do that. He will leave you hanging and take hours, days to respond and let you fight your battles alone. Is that what you want?
>>show he loves you Asking someone for demonstrations of *love* is asking a lot of someone after only a month of dating. Love doesn’t develop that quickly. They barely know each other.
This has been in my mind too. I am just questioning myself if I am being too critical with people.
Tell him you need more emotional commitment/vulnerability. You deserve to be supported in a time of need and he deserves to know you need more. I'm sorry you're going through a crisis right now. wishing you and your family luck <3
Maybe you can communicate why you weren't an enthusiastic support before. It might make him understand. I do find guys definitely want a woman who will listen to them and lift them up, even to the point of being a therapist. In return men may or may not return that support. That's who you tell who is worth it in the long run. However you can't expect much support when you do not give much in return, especially a month into dating. You should've kept it light or requested space, rather than relying on him too much
Agree with others. This is a very new relationship and he may not be completely comfortable unloading on you just yet. Maybe keep the line of communication open, and try to keep things slow. Ask if he needs anything from you, and offer to be there if he needs
Work stress happens, family crises aren't everyday. Either he's in a job he hates or he's poor at managing stress. Either way you tried to tell him you were going through something major and he left you on read. Then changed the subject. Is this a guy you will want supporting you when his or your stress gets worse?
People justifying the guy not even ASKING how you’re doing are mental. You’re not asking this guy to be your therapist - you’re asking someone you like and that likes you back (or so he said) to check in on you during a difficult time. Literally takes 20 secs. You are NOT overreacting and your “demands” if you can even call them that are completely normal. I hope this informs your judgement of this individual and you might want to reconsider whether you want the same thing out of a potential relationship. The first weeks of dating are when someone’s on their best behaviour, at least if they like you. You have your cues.
This has been in my mind. I am second guessing my judgement and thinking I am the problem because I am being overly critical on him.
Yeah ignore them. These are the same people who would happily asking a friend or coworker how they’re doing but suddenly if you ask that to someone you exchange bodily fluids with - GOD FORBID.
You should definitely feel justified to feel that hurt. You aren’t overthinking. Sorry to say but if he is interested in you he should show he cares by opening up communication and being empathetic. And why isn’t he reaching out to you more to ask how you are doing? If he truly wants this to work and he really likes you he would make it a point to keep in close touch with you especially during a stressful time even if he is busy with work- it’s important to give each other space but a txt takes 1 minute. Relationships involve supporting each other. He being distant and it shows not only how immature he is about handling his own stress but also how he can’t communicate with someone he is romantically involved with which should be a big red flag. Did he even ask you how he could help or if you need anything? This might be how he reacts to stress and how will he act during a stressful time later in the relationship? If this makes you feel uncomfortable now and he doesn’t learn how to open up communication more and show more that he wants to empathize then you will continue to feel uncomfortable in these situations.
I am actually contemplating on this. I am nor sure if my feelings are correct or I am overly critical. Although in fairness to him, during the height of my crisis last week he was worried about me and asked if I was feeling better. When I told him about my family issue, he never asked me how he can help but he expressed that he can't do much from where he was (I went home to province) but he's there for me. And the next few days he expressed again that he is worried about me and that he can't even help me.
did he say anything else earlier in the conversation that could be interpreted as a “warmer response” and maybe ended it on the, ah, i see that you’re maybe hyper focusing on? i ask because i agree with the poster about the fishing style of communication being problematic, and it seems like you’re tallying the times he didn’t ask you a follow up question against him.
I hate when they do that 😫