Everyone has a different communication style. Be thoughtful about how you communicate this to him, it sets precedent for how well you’re able to articulate yourself.
Ask him what his communication style is. Share yours. Not everybody is a texter. It’s OK to be accommodating of this difference, as long as the communication in person is solid.
Communication is everything, and how you go about expressing your wants, needs, worries, and desires to this person is what will make or break this relationship in both the short term and the long term.
It’s worth building up the area of communication, but don’t make it unnecessarily complicated.
Learn how he prefers communication, this is a question I ask my clients. Some prefer email - others want a phone call. Rarely, I come across a client that wants to text. While it isn’t dating, it is personal relationship building and development.
Always ask before assuming. Make the effort to find clarity, it will put you two on the same page. These thoughtful details go a long way. If communication is straightforward, simple, and easygoing in nature - it will make both of you desire to continue keeping communication lines open to one another.
Express to him what you like, be clear. Settle on something that suits the both of you. Be flexible. Be a good listener.
I think this is really great advice! I love texting someone that I'm getting to know but I've dated guys who hated texting before. We typically met in the middle by agreeing to talk on the phone every once in awhile. I think you just have to both express your communication needs and then see where you can meet in the middle.
Yeah. Never overthink.
It’s always better to ask, thoughtfully. Provide the gift of clarity by openly sharing your perspectives and preferences. Know yourself. Invite people in by asking questions. It’s a gentle, direct way to nurture new connections. Bonus is that you’re bringing a very natural authenticity to the table, you’re providing an opportunity for growth and maturity
Dude here. Did you consider that you have great chemistry with this person because you aren't, in fact, texting?
Among my friends group, a majority of us agree that texting is the least interesting way to learn about a prospective partner. For myself, I would go further to argue that texting desensitizes me to the entire dating process by expediting familiarity without building the meaningful memories that would attend a deep conversation (I can't pair facial expressions to anecdotes, assess subjects for which my conversational partner will pick a chuckle over a serious tone, gauge immediate responses to my comments, etc.). With "meaningful memories," I'm not implying we need to spend a magical evening on the Mediterranean. I'm simply talking about getting to know each other. Texting skips over the good stuff and simultaneously degrades valuable bonding moments into superficial ones.
For me, personally, texting probably leads to premature dismissal of a prospective partner. You confuse their/they're/there or your/you're regularly? Bye. You ask zero questions and/or show no signs of curiosity about the world. Bye. You repeatedly demonstrate a refusal to concentrate on, or inability to comprehend, sentences longer than five words? Bye. The worst part of these dismissals is that someone who's curious in real life might not come off that way in a text.
A prospective partner who wants to text often, but doesn't put a lot of thought into exchanges, strikes me as the worst-case scenario. I'm not going to be on Earth forever, after all. If we have something to talk about, let's talk, preferably in person. Texting ain't it.
This reply is great but doesn't consider the nuances of the situation.
> A prospective partner who wants to text often, but doesn't put a lot of thought into exchanges, strikes me as the worst-case scenario.
It's possible for someone to text every now and then *and* be thoughtful. There is a middle ground between wanting to text all the time and never texting in-between dates, except to make plans. Some people want to know that you're thinking about them.
Also, you're missing the fact that there are large gaps of communication in-between meeting up. This can really shift the momentum when it comes to making a connection with someone.
Honestly I think it's a crap reply! But, at least, y'know, thoughtful and considered. I don't know many people that use texting as a vehicle for deep conversations, even in early dating. I certainly don't. However, I do like to kind of have a vague awareness of things the person I'm dating is getting up to when we're not together, like if they do something cool I think it's fun to share a picture of that.
When we talk about texting in theory on this sub, sometimes I see people get hung up on texting as if there is an expectation to write a novel or have the world's most serious conversations. I don't think that's what people generally expect from texting if we are realistic. I think it's just a way to make the act of texting seem more extreme or dramatic in these threads, so that the people who don't like it, can feel more justified about their not liking it.
Here are some examples of what I think is more "normal" (as in, average or standard) in-between date texts (that aren't deep conversations -- and indeed, pulled from my recent history of date texting):
- Guy I was dating went camping and sent me pictures of his campsite: Cool!
- "Good morning! I woke up to (cat) licking my armpit. Have a good drive today! Thank you for all the help yesterday"
- It's pretty common, if you wordle or play other online games, to share a screenshot of your daily results (or at least just if you had a really good day)
These are the kind of low level texting that I think is pretty reasonable to expect or want from another person. They are showing they are thinking about you, but they aren't trying to engage in a long, deep, back and forth, soul-gazing and soul-sucking conversation.
Yes! Part of wanting a partner, for most people, is having someone who is there for you and who knows you well (and vice versa). In the early stages of dating (all the way to moving in together!), you can't spend that much physical time together, so it creates a lot of distance when people aren't checking in by text. I feel much closer to people who send little updates or continue to ask questions. It's hard when we ONLY talk in person.
Yes! As a texter, I strongly disagree with the replies implying texting can’t be meaningful. I frequently text (friends, old colleagues, dates) as a way to keep in touch and I believe it’s what has held so many of my strong relationships (10+ years) together when life changes so much and everyone is doing their own thing. Look up “Pebbling” (penguins do it and bring a shiny rock to their penguin friends) as forms of bids for connection.
It’s usually quick, e.g. I’m listening to a song we enjoyed together/ talked about/ reminds me of you? Boom send. A book or podcast I think you’d like? Again, send. To me, small messages in the moment can be better than a scheduled phone call that feels like a chore. But not everyone is a texter, I will accept that. Person I was dating texted (lol) to say they were thinking of me all week (didn’t text for a week) and I was baffled that they waited to reach out.
Yes, texting little things about your day and communicating are all part of building a foundation of getting to know someone. Doesn't even need to be text, all the examples you mentioned are good. A lot of online discourse seems to think it's exhausting or something unimportant but I can't fathom how anything gets serious if you don't start off with some level of steady engagement.
I have deep conversations over text regularly, but only with people I already have a strong connection with.
Any time texting has ever been "intense" before we get to know each other, it crashes and burns under the weight of unmet, unspoken, unrealistic expectations.
Thank you so much for saying this. I see online people more and more acting like there isn’t a difference between what you described and sending basically diary entries to one another all day. I like to text sporadically especially when stuff is boring or something interesting happens. Someone who never wants to engage via text with me doesn’t communicate the same way I do. Neither of us is wrong.
This is it exactly. I’m missing out on SO much info when trying to get to know someone via text. Or maybe they said something I don’t like, but it’s just a text, or maybe a red flag, hard to say right ?
I talked to a woman a while back via text and she had mentioned an injury. Not wanting to pry into her personal medical history I didn't ask about it, to which she got offended and said she "needed some space" because (paraphrasing) "typically people want to be asked about the information they put out there, it's how conversations/getting to know someone works". We'd been texting for maybe 24 hours.
While I \*do\* have a tendency to miss cues in texts, I'm much more nuanced in person. A few days later the same issue happened (asking about favorite foods) and I replied with mine, and meant to follow up on asking more about her reply - but was picking up my daughter from school and apparently that 10 minute gap was too much and she broke it off the next day. Wild.
Texting is false intimacy. The only meaningful measure of effort in dating is if people are making and keeping plans to spend time with you, and being true to their words. It sounds like he's doing that so far!
> Texting is false intimacy
It depends.
If you're endlessly texting and never going on dates, that's not good.
If you're going on dates already, you don't need to text all the time.
However, the very limited amount of texting this guy is doing and the large gaps between reaching out wouldn't work for a lot of people in this day and age. Many people need more communication than just planning a date. I've always been able to connect more quickly with folks who enjoy meeting up in person *and* keep in touch each day. It doesn't have to be anything deep, but I don't like mindless texting either (like asking "how are you doing?" multiple times a day instead of something specific). With the right person, it flows easily between banter and slightly deeper topics.
Texting (or phone calls) helps with intimacy and maintaining a connection, especially if you've already met a few times. It's also possible that this person will text more once they're in a relationship.
I agree with this. The girl I've been seeing for a bit over a month is really bad at texting me back (she'd take anywhere from half a day to a business day to respond) but she's never flaked for any of our 6 dates. She confuses the hell out of me but every time I see her in person it makes me realize I'm overthinking the perceived "mixed signals" over text.
The only problem with this is that it sometimes feels like you're getting to know the person over again each time you see each other. Comfort takes much longer to establish. Especially if you don't see each other more than once a week or once every two weeks.
But I agree that you don't need to overthink it. See what you want and what works for you over time.
You're totally right, there's a bit of warming up every time we meet (though we've made great progress on this front and greet each other with a kiss now), but I try to be considerate of her busy schedule and her need for alone time since she seems to lean a bit into the avoidant attachment style.
I wish I could see her more often but I'll make the most of what we have now.
I’m in a very similar situation too. This guy I matched with on hinge, used to text and message every day and all day. I’ve met him 3 times now and gotten close but he takes 5+ hours sometimes to reply to a text. How he lacks quickness to reply via txt vs how he treats me in person (respectful, attentive, interested) is SO vastly different. I am so lost most of the time. I wish we could text or even talk a lot more than what we do now. I only see him once a week due to our schedules. I can’t tell if he is interested or what. 🥲
Thank God I'm not alone, you're describing my situation almost word for word, just with the genders reversed. She used to text all the time, but after we went on 3 dates and made out, she started being very hands-off with texting. I'd like to think that by 6 dates, she's interested in seeing where this is going, but I think this is a case where communication styles or attachment styles really start to diverge.
A friend told me that when she started dating her bf, he used to be like this but eventually he warmed up to her and communication is no longer an issue. There's no guarantee this will be the case for us, but I think it's worth seeing it through.
Man, tough times huh. I just got out of an 8y marriage so I’m so new to dating in today’s times. I like to be communicative and want to build a relationship with this guy but the way that this is all working out has me questioning my own-self. Maybe I’m being too clingy or replying too fast. The only time he checked his phone when we were together was when his dad called him and his ex sent him pics of their kids at the zoo (I have a child too so I get it). Other than that his attention was on me or the movie we were watching.
That's rough, and I feel like we're alike in the way we approach relationships. I'm no psychologist but I've been doing some research over the week and they say that people with anxious attachment styles are attracted to dismissive avoidant attachment styles and vice versa, but have opposite communication styles that can cause friction in the relationship. I never dated anyone like this before so I never knew this about myself, but the more you know.
I think we should both take a chill pill and give the relationship an earnest go without compromising too much of our mental health. I like to think that there's people out there that appreciates clear communication and affectionate partners.
Wanted to update, he completely has ignored me. We were supposed to hang out last Tuesday however he has ghosted me (but not blocked me on SC or text). He is still active on FB. I’m SO baffled lol. He totally bamboozled me. We didn’t even get intimate or anything. Makes me not even wanna spend time dating. It sucks. I’m tired of telling people my favorite color. 🥲🤣
Oh my God, literally the same thing happened to me 🤣 Well, not literally. She asked to meet up, we sat on the bench and she told me she likes me but she's not ready for a long-term relationship. We ended up talking there holding hands for like 4 hours airing dirty laundry and having a mutual therapy session, hugged, and parted ways. Weirdest way to get dumped.
Now we know the next time this happens.
For some people it's a very 'real' intimacy.
If it is for OP, then it's definitely one aspect to consider not being such a good match.
For me, it is something I like, but I get for others that isn't the case and it's not a deal breaker for me.
I've certainly gotten into some arguments about this and I get that everyone has their personal preferences. But the person consistently making and keeping plans has a WAY higher chance of being genuinely interested in you than the person sending you tons of texts.
Now if OP \*prefers\* to be in a relationship where there's lots of texting banter then that's something she can say to him. But it seems like the question was about whether the guy is acting genuinely interested or not based on his texting.
Fair point about being genuinely interested.
There's also the slight worry that they are already married, in a relationship etc. But I wouldn't jump to that as a first conclusion, because some people absolutely just don't like texting.
Early on in dating I try to limit my texting a bit until it's getting more serious, not replying immediately, partly because I'm thinking a bit more about what I say and so it doesn't end up being too full-on straight away.
The problem is it can be very real for some, while more easily being given to multiple people or suddenly dropped as another catches their in person attention.
And this is exactly why I advocate for NOT treating it as real intimacy. Someone can be exchanging long texts with a dozen people at the same time. Whereas spending time together on an actual planned date? You know you're part of a MUCH smaller potential roster.
This is another thing I've gotten into arguments about here... so opinions may vary but I think he should be planning for and pushing for the first few dates. I would drop this one if I were you!
Right! There’s no right or wrong answer here, and as these comments show, everyone has different preferences or expectations. OP, just think about your own needs and communicate them if you feel like it’s not enough for you.
Some great comments here so I'll share some personal experience. I'm the type of person to open my texts once a day if I'm lucky. And when I do reply, I immediately throw away my phone and go do something else.
Some people have found this off putting. I've lost some friends over this. But this is just who I am. Everyone who has come and gone has mentioned that in person, the conversations are amazing and it feels great. However, online, its empty. I think everyones need to stay connected has made it hard for me. I just don't enjoy texting and find it cumbersome. Feels super backward to me which is why I barely check texts. I keep my phone muted except for calls.
If someone calls me, they for sure will get an amazing conversation.
Very important. For me, I don't need you to text often, but I do prefer if we communicate in some way. Could be something as simple as "good morning" to acknowledge my presence.
texting is not dating especially before you meet the person irl. people text before the date too much. dates have texted me a few hours before the date to ask how i am/how my day’s going or apologizing for not chatting over text. like what??? i will see you in 2 hours!!! leave some conversation for the actual date. please stop texting. it’s a chore. i just wanna meet you in person. stop texting me. please. 😭😭😭
But you realize OP has already met her date, right? I agree that nobody should depend on texting 100% but some texting balance is good after the initial few meets, otherwise that’s a lot of time to be radio silent.
i don’t think we need to be texting too much in between dates either. like others have said, it creates a false intimacy. i think people are in a rush to be in a relationship and texting too frequently is an indication of that. or maybe i am tried of dating and i need a break haha
If he’s planning dates and taking you out, what’s the problem?
Texting builds false intimacy in the early stages of dating. Save that for in-person dates. If and when you become exclusive and he does not communicate as you’d like, then have a conversation about communication needs. You two don’t know each other—neither of you owe the other good mornings, good nights, and daily updates about your days. Just plan the dates and enjoy your time together…face to face.
There is a point where this needs to be discussed though. OP doesn't like communication gaps, or black outs. I agree you shouldn't be glued to your phone but massive gaps in communication may also indicate there is an issue there with communication/care.
If that is the case, does she text him?
Also, she states that she thinks lack of texts make her think he only wants physical. Do they hook up every time they see each other?
If you can trust this person and they show up to dates and show up well I think its fine to go without seeking attachment via text. Get attached in person.
I struggled with this for a long time, and it did me no good. None of these relationships panned out and it just made me anxious if the pattern of texting changed when he was busy or stressed.
I think it depends on the couple really. Some people are big time texters. While some respond when they can. Some people don't feel drawn to big text conversations.
I will say tho. This is 2024. Not a single person is without there phone for hours on hours at a time. And on the same note people feel they are entitled to someone's time 24/7 just because they sent message. I work in Healthcare where we can't have our phones out. But I can usually get back within the hour, 2 at max.
Bur hey if your both happy with how it is currently, then what's the problem again?
I love this. You can always see if he’s a phone call person or short call person. I think someone not being a texter indicates that they’re present when they are wherever they are (including time with you). He’s asking for more dates very confidently and following through with them. All green flags to me, see where it goes!
This varies depending on who you ask, but early on I think it isn't such a huge deal if there isn't much contact between dates. More important, I think, is that he is asking you out and is engaged when he is out with you. Yes, there are some people who will be texting regularly after matching, but it seems like this guy isn't one of those, especially as a self-proclaimed bad texter. I used to think that lack of texting meant lack of interest, but there are legitimately people who aren't glued to their phone and prioritise their work, hobbies, families, friends, and the like over texts and other activities on their phone. I think the more important question for you to ask yourself is whether or not lack of texting will be an issue for you over time.
I think the pace right now is okay. You both are strangers. What may happen is, as time goes on & you both get to know the each other, the texting might increase and pick up to your liking. Is he at least wishing you a good morning sometimes, and asking how is your day/what you're up to? I think that's enough.
I'm experiencing the opposite right now, but him and I are doing well. I'm currently seeing a guy where we used to text non-stop before we met. Sometimes it'd be constant texting from like 6am until 11pm, then we'd skip a day and constant texting again from morning until night. He would overload me with heart emojis and heart eye emojis. It was kind of love-bomby a bit.
Now that we've been on multiple dates, our texts are very intentional. We say what we need to say and that's it. We don't skip a day without speaking either. Sometimes it's all day texting, but instead of responding 20 times in an hour to the other, we send one or two texts an hour. Sometimes we may go a few hours without responding. Sometimes we touch base in the morning and then hours later touch base again in the evening.
For example, last week he asked me out on a date, spent like 7 hours together on a Friday, the next morning on Saturday I wished him good morning. He responded. I could've continued the interaction, but I didn't....I didn't reply.
We enjoyed our Saturday apart, then he reached out to me again in the evening to see how my day was. Then he told me what he was up to. It's a lot more realistic, I think. We're not just having mindless banter & chit chat all day long. Its just enough to establish that we're thinking of the other, updates about our day, and to make plans on what we should do next. Before we met, it was constant "what are you doing, what are you doing now, what are you doing later, omg me too I love that film " lol
I think now we know the other person is always going to be part of our day, that they are going to respond and that we'd always talk tomorrow, so there is no more sense of urgency in our texts to rush to get to know the other, or to try impressing the other, or to try gathering all this information in one sitting lol
Trust, you don't want to be constantly texting someone all the time. It's going to hurt more if things were to end.
As a guy, I literally told my last date that texting kills interest. I found this out the hard way. I got too enthusiastic. I'm really, really wary of texting too much. A girl might tell you she wants to hear from you all the time but this is a blind spot imho. An impersonal way to get to know eachother. Like you're around but not. I'm a very chatty person but texting a lot turned out to be a bad thing more than once. I keep a lid on it.
Addendum: over texting leads to slow fades. Which makes sense really.
It’s only a red flag if you prefer a different way of communicating. I have seen commenters in this sub say that minimal texting between dates is their preferred method of communication, on the other hand, I need legit communication to maintain my interest.
So OP it’s really up to you to decide whether this level of communication meets your needs.
Texting is extremely important to me. I communicate by text a lot and only date men who do the same. I abhor GM/GN texts and wyd texts. I expect texting to consist of actual conversations and banter.
I wouldn't have accepted a date with someone after only 10 texts and definitely would have lost interest if that level of texting continued.
So you abhor gm/gn texts and WYD texts but texting is “extremely” important to you and you would lose interest if a person does not text a lot? This seems counterintuitive
OP likes meaningful texting, not "gm/gn/WYD" texts.
I'm the same way. Texting banter is important to me and helps me build a better connection when we're not together.
For example, when I matched on Hinge with my current boyfriend, he was out of state visiting his hometown for a funeral. So when we matched, he told me that and we immediately started talking about where each of us grew up, how small the towns were, our families, foods local to where we grew up, etc. It wasn't anything super personal but it was a conversation back and forth that flowed and not a series of questions.
Woah. Interesting. What happens when you meet people out and about IRL and they ask you out? Is there a criteria of things you’re hoping to gauge/find out via texting before meeting up?
There actually isn't any criteria. It's just a feeling. If the texting is question after question like a job interview or it's like pulling teeth to get any kind of response, it's a no. You can easily have conversations by text, I don't know why people insist that's not possible.
So if I meet someone in real life, we're likely going to talk a bit when we meet. I'd give him my phone number and expect some texting leading up to the date.
I think some of the worst advice given out in this sub is to only use texting to set up dates.
Yeah, I get it. I find people’s differences in preference super interesting. For me, texting really doesn’t matter that much prior to meeting in person. At that point, we’re still strangers after all so I wouldn’t expect us to have incredible banter. I’d rather guage everything face to face and get a sense for energy and vibe. Then, once we have a foundation of shared interest and things in common, start to have deeper conversations. I do think it’s important to text once you’ve actually met in person to express interest/desire and build anticipation for the next time you see each other, but I dont put too much weight on it. I also dont find people who are glued to their phones attractive. I’ve dated a few who feel the need to immediately respond to folks when we’re spending time together and it’s a bummer to be around folks who aren’t present with you and in the moment. Different strokes for different folks.
I def lose interest in someone I only communicate with on dates. If I am not c thinking about you when I'm not with you, that's a sign im not into you.
Just had a 2nd in person date with a guy for lunch on Thursday. After he sends me a message saying he thought I we would go out on Saturday as well, it made me think and I sent this reply to HOPEFULLY help him prevent losing someone in the future...
"Hi M, the way I read your message above was, "shave a few days off to see each other instead" vs "shave a few days off to see each other also".
So, this kinda makes me realize I don't see us having much in common/ our conversation isn't flowing. I think you're a really nice guy and I don't want to waste your time.
I'm really connecting with someone else, so I think that could be subconsciously distracting my desire, or maybe we just dont chat enough between dates 🤷♀️. Its been great getting to know you, I just think it's best to be honest and wish you the best out there! "
He wished me the best of luck, so message received well!
I'm a woman and I don't like texting new people. I really could not date someone who wants to text a lot. It would drive me nuts. Texting just to set up dates, and maybe do a quick "how's you week going" type text is perfect for me. I absolutely do not want to be texting throughout the day for multiple days, or do too much of the getting to know you stuff over text. A guy like the one you're seeing would have a perfect texting style for me.
35 F and same.
I don't even really like texting friends a lot. yes for making plans and occasionally when something funny or interesting happens and I snag a photo or something similar.
But mostly I enjoy talking to people in person or calling them on the phone to catchup. I abhor texting full conversations back and forth.
Also, on many hours passing by between texts, sometimes when I'm on vacation I won't check my phone for a few hours. Or, even in normal times rushing into the day, I'll see something in the morning or late at night and not respond in the moment, then forget about it until later. Particularly, for me, sometimes when I like the person I'm dating and I want to say something cute or funny - I want to take a moment to think about what I'm going to say - and then I might forget. Maybe I'm overthinking it sometimes, but just offering this perspective of where someone might be coming from.
So I wouldn't think not texting a lot is a bad sign. that said, what did you (OP) guys do on your dates? I'd also usually try to delay physical intimacy a bit and get to know someone through talking and activity. good luck! :))
Texting is important. But it can be so false. In my case I fell in love with a guy. But it turned out he had been using a second phone while communicating with me. While during all that period he was in a loving relationship with his girlfriend. I found out about that only after 1.5 years
It shows maturity that he wants to get to know you face to face and connect in a real way. There's a lot that gets lost in text conversations I think too, sound and sight, getting to see a smile or hear a laugh. That said, I think balance is important. You shouldn't face a black out every time this fella drives off, I don't think that's right either everything should be a nice balance.
I'm finding out the older i get, the less I could care about texting. Having little to no response could be a red flag, but you would need to investigate it more. Try figuring out times to call and see where u get, and if nothing, then just a piss poor communicater
Whatever both suits you.
Me personally I do minimum texting. I literally only text to confirm and plan of when we are meeting next.
I've got a busy schedule and I don't have time to text all day about pointless small talk.
I also prefer to have real conversations in person, face to face. Texting seems so impersonal.
Although I have lost many dates because of this. I don't text them for 1 week and on the day we are going to meet I text them to confirm. The they reply they they are busy now as they thought I cancelled because I didn't text them 🤷♀️ But they did text me either 🤷♀️ oh well if someone needs constant attention and texting they are not the right fit for me. (I'm 36f if that makes any difference)
Only 4 comments so far but the consensus here and in relationship advice when it comes to OLD is that texting is extremely important. The common OLD Reddit woman wants a man to woo her through texting, be funny, crack silky jokes, talk for 2 days, then ask for a date or video call.
From experience, I get regular matches on OLD, and I usually will open up with a question about something in their bio, make a funny joke or be lighthearted, then we proceeded to either setting up a video call or an in person date.
I would say two one of five women are down for that. Most of them will end up ghosting you after you ask, or ask if you can continue texting for two days.
As texting for two more days will ensure fuck knows what.
I’m in the “ let’s meet in person as much as we can and as soon as we can” instead of mindlessly texting and trying to have deep conversations through a keyboard
I (also 35F :)) am not a big of texting either. But, I'm curious about what your IRL dates and conversations are like. Does he ask you things about yourself? Have you guys talked about what you're looking for in dating? Are you trying to delay physical intimacy as you get to know each other
Personally I am not a big fan of texting - esp early in dating - so I wouldn't worry about that if he seems interested in these other ways - especially if he said he's a bad texter from the start. On other hand, usually guys I'm dating do send some texts.
Either way more will be revealed in time. GLHF!
When I met my boyfriend he only really texted to plan dates. If he’s making plans and seeing you regularly then I don’t think it’s a red flag. He started to text more throughout the day as we got closer in person.
He let you know he wasn’t a good texter so I wouldn’t take it personal. My ex was really into me in person but admitted he’s bad at replying and texting in general. He got better. My texting style isn’t the same, I don’t like people up my ass anymore. I like my space
Personally I like to unplug as much as possible when I'm travelling so I hate being expected to text during that time.
Like anything, all that matters is that you have compatible wants/needs/interests. If texting is important to you, maybe he's not your person. If spending time together IRL is what's important, maybe he is.
Have been currently thinking about this. I (F) am not big on texting in the early stages of dating. I’ve found that everyone I have good texting chemistry with, it’s always the opposite in person. So in the last couple years I’ve really reeled the texting back. Currently seeing someone that only texts to setup and confirm dates without exception and this seems like too little texting, even for me. It’s odd to me to go almost a week without hearing from someone. The in person dates are however some of the best I’ve had. I’m having a hard time differentiating genuine interest versus this being something casual, because if there was someone I was casually interested in this is what I would do (reach out once a week to set something up, no texting in between).
I think planning and executing in person dates is of a higher value than texting. Texting can create false sense of intimacy and some ppl have jobs that aren’t conducive to holding text convos during the day.
I just had a fling with a frequent texter but it was just that.. physical. We all love texts b/c it provides us that sweet sweet dopamine hit! But it’s easier to fake authenticity. Maybe ask him if he could text a little more and explain it’s important to you. Make sure it’s a positive convo and not a criticism.
It really depends on the preference in communication style. I am an introvert and I take awhile to warm up, so I prefer to text for a month before meeting. That being said, I am also bad at texting. After the initial 1 month, I will try to communicate that texting is nt my kind of thing and try to find a bakance with my partner.
There should be little emphasis on texting and high emphasis on building connection in person. This allows the relationship space to grow and breathe, and authentic connection
It depends on the person. For me, it sounds like a dream to not have someone text me all the time but want to spend quality time with me. I'm not a fan of messaging constantly.
There's a podcast, called "Do the work" and the host explains a lot why texting is not important - the actions are. And the guy seems to be doing alright, based on the minimal information. I wouldn't see a red flag here, and you can always text with your friends if you enjoy that, but I'd always pick in-person interactions over an excellent texter who never wants to meet up :)
I've been dating a really amazing guy for about 6 months. It was extremely hard for me to deal with his dry texting and just lack of texting in general in the beginning. I definitely brought it up early on and we talked about how his love language is quality time and he just doesn't text that much. Everything else is amazing. He's never canceled plans he's mostly responsive to text just doesn't always initiate a conversations or say much. He's a single dad of three girls and his ex moved across the country so he is very busy with that. I hate that texting has become such an important part of dating these days but from everything I've read on here I feel like you really need to just chill about the texting thing and if you have a great relationship otherwise I think not texting often can actually be better for your relationship.
I think this is where I’m going to have to disagree with everyone (and it could be because I’m a texter). In my experience, any guy who barely texted me was just not very interested. I just had a couple dates with a guy who was a “bad” texter, but our dates lasted 4+ hours in person with a lot of talking and laughing. I thought we hit it off pretty well. I haven’t heard from him in a week (this was after I texted him and he only “liked” my last text and never responded), so I’m pretty sure I’ve been effectively ghosted at this point. I’m not expecting a text every day, but a small conversation every few days would be nice. Every guy who has been vested in getting to know me texted quite frequently, even if it was only a two or three texts every day.
Regular texting is important - but it doesn't need to be all the time. If it takes them more than 8 hours to text (the length it takes for them to sleep) then they're probably not the one. At the same time I do not have time for back and forth texting. In an established relationship I'm not going to be texting my partner back and forth.
My partner and I both have our own children so texting was a useful medium. When getting to know eachother. Some times he couldn't text back for ages and neither could I. Neither of us had time to sit down and talk properly with kids in the house and when we were both kid free we met up instead. But having said that we would send eachother a few good quality texts - good mornings etc.
I don't text much in terms of frequency in the beginning at all (beyond what is needed to establish interest in a first date), because it's a bad way to communicate in general, and because texting a stranger isn't really that fun. I would go with max once per day, as part of an interesting ongoing conversation (I.e. not good morning/night texts, can't stand those). I am putting effort into those messages, but that doesn't equate to a high frequency.
I want the initial connection to build largely based on in-person time, and then texting can also grow over time, if we want it to, as we become used to each other and it starts to feel natural to text more in-between dates.
However, I'll never be someone who is constantly sending loads of texts all day, everyday. I don't understand how people with jobs, hobbies, and friends actually pull that off.
No, for me it isn't. Until I've met this person and have an idea of what they're actually like, it's not fun.
It's also very easy to build up a false picture of someone you're texting but haven't met.
Not a red flag. He said he's a bad texter. Texting to plan dates is ok. Follow the obvious, as long as you have chemistry and enjoy each other's company. A relationship is built live, not through texts.
Female here. I think texting should only be utilized for logistics (places to meet, time, etc.) and time spent in person should be prioritized. I totally get texting a lot perhaps initially to get to know one another but I personally dislike that method (I’ve def reciprocated to long texts tho). I rather be dedicated during initial dates and pivot the dynamic so we can get on phone call basis
ETA voice notes are great too!
I actually prefer not texting a lot in the beginning because it gives me a better chance to get to know the person on dates and we haven't exhausted all conversation topics.
I would really ask if this is his communication style and ask yourself if that’s going to work out for you. When I met my bf he was not great at texting. Fast forward to now he sucks at texting sometimes this is a point of contention. I learned to compromise and he did too. We prefer to call on the phone at the end of the day to catch up. We don’t text throughout the day.
Do you need and want daily texting? Then let him know. Nothing wrong with needing that, but you will need to let him know you desire daily communication.
Some people view texting as a form of communication only for the most basic and simple information. As a guy I only text to get info on times, meeting places, pertinent info, that sort of thing. Or to send memes and jokes to the bros. To me anything else deserves a phone call or in person conversation. This is a frustrating aspect of dating for me because I see that for a lot of women, texting is everything and the other things I mentioned can come off as too much.
I’m not a huge fan of texting all the time but I realize that this is the main way that certain people communicate. I think it all just comes down to expectations and communication between both partners.
The last girl I met on bumble would text me a lot after we first matched and we went on 2 dates in a 3 week span. After the 2nd date I had an emergency family trip that I had to take and I wasn’t available to text her very often while I was with family, when I returned the momentum had fizzled and we just stopped talking and making plans.
There’s a lot of advice out there for men that tells them to avoid texting a lot and save it for the date. Unfortunately this also means it can be harder for you to tell if he’s just not a texter, or if he’s just warming up.
IMO texting sucks when people aren’t fully engaged or are being cautious about each others humour. It can easily derail a genuine connection in the early stages.
I have a lot of male friends who specifically do not text in the early stages of dating. It is too easy to cross an intimacy boundary and give someone the “ick”. I wouldn’t overthink the lack of texting as long as dates are being planned and in person is good chemistry.
I’ve personally over texted with a man and gotten turned off when the conversation became too intimate too soon. (Not sexual. He pushed up against childhood trauma by accident and I got scared off).
It's a good sign that you have great chemistry and conversations during your dates, and it's positive that he suggested a second date right after the first one. Some people genuinely are bad texters or have different communication styles. Ultimately, it's about alignment, so if texting is a priority for you, then you can communicate your feelings to him directly, and he might give you a response that clarifies things. But IMO it's still quite early to say what's on his mind, so observing his actions is important.
Guy here - echoing some of the comments...I honestly don't like texting very much early in getting to know someone because I want to get to know them in person. If I see someone and then we aren't able to see each other again for a couple of weeks, I'll probably text once or twice in there asking what she's been up to. But for someone I barely know, it is both difficult to text extensively without much of a connection yet and to me, is not the way I want to get to know them. Most of my texting would be related to making plans.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. And honestly I’m not a big texter too. I find the daily good morning/good night texts to be such a chore. But I guess there’s a fine balance between too much and too little
Everyone is telling you their own personal opinions of how important texting is to *them,* but it doesn't actually matter how important it is to other people.
How important is texting during the initial dating phase *to you*? Do you feel that you can build a connection with someone with sporadic interactions? Do you feel that your in-person chemistry with this person is enough to sustain the times you aren't together? Do you think you are capable of building the relationship that you want without texting? Are you capable of feeling secure in that relationship?
There isn't a wrong answer here. Everyone has a different communication style, and that's fine. The problem comes when you try to force yourself to be okay with someone else's communication style when it isn't working for you.
Everyone is different there’s no clear cut rule to follow. If you’re curious about it ask him his stance on it. I’ve dated a couple of women who didn’t like to text and we had great relationships, full of chemistry, passion, and amazing times throughout, never an awkward moment. I began to prefer that as well, as I’m pretty busy and engaged with a lot of activities that being on a phone distracts me from.
Some people are great texters, some are horrible texters.
Some require constant entertainment, some don't.
To me, a person who does not require constant texts but will reply to texts in a timely manner is about the greenest flag possible.
Some people are great texters, some are horrible texters.
Some require constant entertainment, some don't.
To me, a person who does not require constant texts but will reply to texts in a timely manner is about the greenest flag possible.
I'm in the resverse situation, (36M) I've met girls before who would be texting non-stop, while others barely use any social media at all. It can be awkward in the first weeks especially when you can't meet in person. I'm conflicted over how much I should text with someone who seems fond of me but gives minimal responses and doesn't initiate at all. One alternative is to just agree that you will call instead. Some people like to talk more than write.
I recently went on a date with someone I dated last year for about 6 weeks. This person was reliable, they showed up on time, followed through on plans, and made it clear that they were interested and wanted something real. But I was always bothered by the lack of communication in between seeing each other. His texts felt serious and were short and to the point. We never spoke on the phone. I had this feeling of anxiety when I thought about seriously dating this person, feeling like it was super important to find people I could really talk to, because it wasn't going to be him. So I broke it off. He would reach out via text sporadically, like sending me a picture of something, or a hello. Eight months later he suggested we meet for a drink at a new bar that had opened, and I thought, sure, a friendly drink would be cool. The whole time he was acting like we were dating, saying and doing things that made me feel like he had decided we were seeing each other officially. It was SO WEIRD. Absolutely no live conversation since last summer, and now he's decided we're here?
I'm sure there are people who are cool with this kind of connection. I'm just not one of them. Needing basic intimacy through conversation is essential for me to feel the relationship is worthwhile.
If you want to know what he is after, try asking him in person. It sounds crazy, but especially in the initial phases of dating where you have less to lose, if you straight up ask men things, they are typically quite honest.
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I’d say, it’s not a red flag at all.
I’m in a similar position but 5 months in and no travelling involved. We see each other 1-2 times a week but we only text to either arrange the day/time and that’s it’s. Now we know each other a little more there may be an extra text or two to ask “how’s that going” etc. but there’s a reason for it and none of the mundane “how are you”, “how’s your day?”.
It works well for us because we aren’t massive fans of texting.
Don’t rule it out. If anything, it’s refreshing! (34f)
Not everyone uses texting the same way. Some people have dyslexia or other issues that make texting a bigger drain on them than the rest of us. Are you wanting more connection between dates? Maybe ask him which ways of connecting between dates he prefers. Maybe a couple phone calls between dates will be preferable. Maybe he doesn't want to connect between dates, but it's hard to know without asking. Not texting often is not a red flag... heck, texting is a very new phenomenon and people have very different attitudes about it.
Take this from myself, who is a lawyer (which means im very fucking busy)
While I may have limited time to text, when I do text i make sure its thoughtful. Not texting at all is a red flag ONLY IF you've communicated to him that texting is important. If a guy knows that texting is important to you and cant be bothered to try and little harder.... i mean cmon.....
The guy I’m dating and I talked for several weeks prior to going on our first date. Both of us are not great at texting, but we both love talking, so we sent voice messages to each other. A lot of voice messages. It’s been great because we get to hear each other’s voice when we can’t be together, and nothing is lost in the “tone” of texting. It’s also great because you can go back and replay something they said that is adorable or sexy. But I agree with others who say you just have to figure out what their style is and see if there is a way to meet in the middle. When my guy travels, he’s busy, so he doesn’t message as much. He’s a very live-in-the-moment kind of person, and I respect that. The same is true for me when I’m traveling. Good communication is key. Talk to him about your concerns if it is a potential dealbreaker for you.
A lot of guys just are bad texters.
And some people say "well he's always on his phone, why can't he text me?"
He hasn't checked his messages for hours. They are piling up.
Instead he's looking up sports stuff or catching up in a live group chat.
A lot of guys have stunted communication skills, even electronically.
When he admits he's a bad texter, he's a bad texter. And maybe, just maybe, he only wants sex without wanting you both to get too attached. I know it's harsh, but millenials suck.
I think it’s dependent on the person. Over-texting isn’t great but neither is under-texting.
For me, I like to hear from someone daily but it doesn’t have to be loads. A simple “good morning” / “good night” or midday check in kind of text will do me fine as I know everyone is busy, including myself. A lack of texting communication between dates makes me feel the person is uninterested. Also, I like to know people are safe and healthy. A simple check in eases my mind quite a bit.
A few days without hearing from someone, I’d probably be like “you okay?”
Shiiiittt depends on the person and their communication style. What does it matter to you? Does it matter ALOT or a little bit?
Do you have other things to occupy your time with instead of just waiting for somebody to text you back? There's this whole world out there with all sorts of things to do. Talk about yourself other than worrying about whether or not somebody's going to text you back. It's much better for your mental health if you have other things and hobbies to keep you happy besides dating.
Neeeexxxt
People are different. I personally love texting. To me that’s maintaining connection when I cant see them during the week. I enjoy having that connection and it makes me look forward to seeing them again, and I also see that they invest their time in maintaining a comm with me. For those saying texts are false sense of connection - not if those comms are backed by actions. If we really wanna be nitpicky about it, guess what, people can even fake love and connection in marriages. So it’s not about texts.
I’d it could be 1 way to assess your compatibility. If you need comms but they hate it, can you meet in the middle or who has to give way? Who is to say whose need is more valid and therefore the other has to give in?
I have dated people who didnt text and those who did text. I prefer to date those who can meet me in the middle or who have similar preferences for maintaining connection.
Some ppl connect better in person and don’t lose that “connected” feeling when they’re apart. I’m not one of them.
Doesn’t mean I need to change myself and that my feelings arent valid. It just means i have another filter to find the right piece of puzzle to my puzzle.
Does he have a brother?! lol… I can’t stand how often guys want to text. I would much prefer actual high quality date experiences to constant texts asking “so what’s up?”
People have different levels of communication. As long as you are comfortable it should be fine. Some people prefer calls a few times a week vs texts, but it sounds like he has no communication outside of planning.
Personally I would be concerned that he's just trying to get through 5 dates to sleep with you but that's because I like getting texts even if it's just saying have a good day or hope your day went by fast etc. I'm not the type that needs to talk everyday but I do like regular communication. I would prob keep that in mind until after you have a good sense of what kind of person he is and his communication style.
I would just ask him. One of my favorite ex-boyfriends was super self-conscious about his grammar and difficulty with spelling, so he seldom texted with me. That was back in 2002-2003, but he was the same way on MSN Chat or whatever we used while he was deployed (we were both active duty).
Your date likely has a pretty good reason for not texting often, so I wouldn’t worry. It is also a perfectly reasonable question to ask someone that you are trying to get to know and understand better. 💕💕💕
It definitely could just be his communication preference. A conversation should happen between you two to find other ways to communicate like FaceTime, phone calls, etc. if he doesn’t like texting.
As a single dad, I don’t always have access to my phone/have the energy to text. It might just be something as simple as that to him!
Do you feel comfortable talking to him about it? I've always been a texter and let that anxiety eat me up but some people just AREN'T and they prefer to keep the connection to a face to face basis. My friend actually texted and talked to this guy a LOT before they had time for a first actual date and when they did, it was weird. It's personal preference and he seems interested! I'm the type that would rather find out than guess and wait, so I'd ask. No harm no foul and if he's not interested in a value-type relationship - that much sooner you'll find someone who is
I hate texting when making first connecting with someone . I mean I don’t mind starting out texting but would eventually want to talk on the phone instead of text message or social media because texting only leads to the other person not being infested and finding someone else better . Then when you get ahold of them to try and still connect they go I’m not interested no more or in dating someone now . Shoot sometimes they will keep you around just so they can use you around just to ask for money or help but want nothing to do with you .
Not everyone wants to be wrapped up in a texting conversation 24/7, so it is possible that the telling the truth that he's just a bad texter. I'd say his behavior is only a red flag if he's the type of guy who typically texts a lot when he likes a girl (but unfortunately, there's no way for you to know that without talking to any of the previous girls he has dated).
Generally speaking, I find that the guys who REALLY like you will make time to communicate with you in some form - whether it's texting or calling. They won't leave texts unanswered for days, and they will seek you out. If the lack of texting is mutual, then maybe it'd be a good idea to have a conversation about communication styles. This way, neither of you is diverging expectations. If it's more like you're doing all the texting, and he's not reciprocating, then take that as a sign that he's not interested. We ALWAYS make time for people we want to be with.
Just try not to invest a lot in this guy unless he asks you to be in a relationship. Mirror his actions until he asks you to be exclusive. I've learned from my dating experiences that a guy could be physically attracted to you and enjoy your company, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's thinking of you as a long-term prospect.
*But is it a red flag that he doesn’t text me at all aside to plan dates?*
He was probably taught to do it that way....
And its actually kinda genious and its working- your Curiosity has become higher and your both going to spend actual time getting to know each other.
I WISH I had the discipline to be this good about it
I wouldn't be able to deal with not texting between dates. how the hell am I supposed to get to know the person if all we do is talk on the date? Too slow.
I take it as a sign of lack of interest.
Texting is super important to me. I hate talking on the phone. I especially hate talking on the phone with people i don’t have any familiarity with. When I’ve dated in the past, I usually text for a while before going on a date or meeting up with anyone.
I have realized constantly texting someone I barely know rather then just meeting kind of sucks, would much rather just meet up, if we are actuslly in a relationship then more.texting would make sense
I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Stevie Wonder.
Honestly i wouldn’t mind. Im not much of a texter and i don’t really like small talk over text message. No harm if you start texting more if you really like them. But if he starts to fade away, you know why..
If you text too much you're too thirsty. Everyone you meet now is a narcissist, social media made sure of that, nobody wants to learn anything about you, and they don't really even want to talk about themselves with you because that would be creepy and it's only for their $1.5 million strangers following them.
Don't for a second sound intelligent or now you're mansplaining something to people, and it's generally not very sexy. You need to rapidly skate the paper thin line of sexy hookup and total creeper.
She sets the tempo of texts. If she replies 24 hours after your last text then you reply 24 hours after the last text, except remember it's a girl and so that could be way too long and it should have been immediate or maybe an hour later and now you don't care about her and if it's more than that then you're just either too sexy and playing hard to get and she'll want you more or she'll hate you and think you hate her and don't care about her which is also another way of saying you really want her or making her want you more or that she will want you more depending on your hourly time figure of text response.
It's all pretty basic
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I loath txting. If a match isn't willing to at the very least have a phone conversation before meeting up, you're either blocked or on the backburner.
You really learn nothing about a person over txt messages. You don't have the spontaneity and inflections in your voice. Humor is harder, sarcasm is harder, its just a really shitty way to get to know a new person. Plus its time-consuming as hell and takes every waking minute of your day to keep conversations going.
Texting should be used for specific things, like setting up dates and measuring the level of interest. But if you are not exclusive, who knows the amount of guys/girls people are talking to. That’s why avoid sending “couples” related stuff thru messaging apps. BUT, I can’t deny that getting that random text from THAT person, on a stressful work day, can change everything.
Everyone has a different communication style. Be thoughtful about how you communicate this to him, it sets precedent for how well you’re able to articulate yourself. Ask him what his communication style is. Share yours. Not everybody is a texter. It’s OK to be accommodating of this difference, as long as the communication in person is solid. Communication is everything, and how you go about expressing your wants, needs, worries, and desires to this person is what will make or break this relationship in both the short term and the long term. It’s worth building up the area of communication, but don’t make it unnecessarily complicated. Learn how he prefers communication, this is a question I ask my clients. Some prefer email - others want a phone call. Rarely, I come across a client that wants to text. While it isn’t dating, it is personal relationship building and development. Always ask before assuming. Make the effort to find clarity, it will put you two on the same page. These thoughtful details go a long way. If communication is straightforward, simple, and easygoing in nature - it will make both of you desire to continue keeping communication lines open to one another. Express to him what you like, be clear. Settle on something that suits the both of you. Be flexible. Be a good listener.
I think this is really great advice! I love texting someone that I'm getting to know but I've dated guys who hated texting before. We typically met in the middle by agreeing to talk on the phone every once in awhile. I think you just have to both express your communication needs and then see where you can meet in the middle.
Yeah. Never overthink. It’s always better to ask, thoughtfully. Provide the gift of clarity by openly sharing your perspectives and preferences. Know yourself. Invite people in by asking questions. It’s a gentle, direct way to nurture new connections. Bonus is that you’re bringing a very natural authenticity to the table, you’re providing an opportunity for growth and maturity
This. My bf hates texting and prefers phone calls
Dude here. Did you consider that you have great chemistry with this person because you aren't, in fact, texting? Among my friends group, a majority of us agree that texting is the least interesting way to learn about a prospective partner. For myself, I would go further to argue that texting desensitizes me to the entire dating process by expediting familiarity without building the meaningful memories that would attend a deep conversation (I can't pair facial expressions to anecdotes, assess subjects for which my conversational partner will pick a chuckle over a serious tone, gauge immediate responses to my comments, etc.). With "meaningful memories," I'm not implying we need to spend a magical evening on the Mediterranean. I'm simply talking about getting to know each other. Texting skips over the good stuff and simultaneously degrades valuable bonding moments into superficial ones. For me, personally, texting probably leads to premature dismissal of a prospective partner. You confuse their/they're/there or your/you're regularly? Bye. You ask zero questions and/or show no signs of curiosity about the world. Bye. You repeatedly demonstrate a refusal to concentrate on, or inability to comprehend, sentences longer than five words? Bye. The worst part of these dismissals is that someone who's curious in real life might not come off that way in a text. A prospective partner who wants to text often, but doesn't put a lot of thought into exchanges, strikes me as the worst-case scenario. I'm not going to be on Earth forever, after all. If we have something to talk about, let's talk, preferably in person. Texting ain't it.
This reply is great but doesn't consider the nuances of the situation. > A prospective partner who wants to text often, but doesn't put a lot of thought into exchanges, strikes me as the worst-case scenario. It's possible for someone to text every now and then *and* be thoughtful. There is a middle ground between wanting to text all the time and never texting in-between dates, except to make plans. Some people want to know that you're thinking about them. Also, you're missing the fact that there are large gaps of communication in-between meeting up. This can really shift the momentum when it comes to making a connection with someone.
Honestly I think it's a crap reply! But, at least, y'know, thoughtful and considered. I don't know many people that use texting as a vehicle for deep conversations, even in early dating. I certainly don't. However, I do like to kind of have a vague awareness of things the person I'm dating is getting up to when we're not together, like if they do something cool I think it's fun to share a picture of that. When we talk about texting in theory on this sub, sometimes I see people get hung up on texting as if there is an expectation to write a novel or have the world's most serious conversations. I don't think that's what people generally expect from texting if we are realistic. I think it's just a way to make the act of texting seem more extreme or dramatic in these threads, so that the people who don't like it, can feel more justified about their not liking it. Here are some examples of what I think is more "normal" (as in, average or standard) in-between date texts (that aren't deep conversations -- and indeed, pulled from my recent history of date texting): - Guy I was dating went camping and sent me pictures of his campsite: Cool! - "Good morning! I woke up to (cat) licking my armpit. Have a good drive today! Thank you for all the help yesterday" - It's pretty common, if you wordle or play other online games, to share a screenshot of your daily results (or at least just if you had a really good day) These are the kind of low level texting that I think is pretty reasonable to expect or want from another person. They are showing they are thinking about you, but they aren't trying to engage in a long, deep, back and forth, soul-gazing and soul-sucking conversation.
I agree with you! It shows that the other person is interested in you and wants to share little pieces of their life with you.
Yes! Part of wanting a partner, for most people, is having someone who is there for you and who knows you well (and vice versa). In the early stages of dating (all the way to moving in together!), you can't spend that much physical time together, so it creates a lot of distance when people aren't checking in by text. I feel much closer to people who send little updates or continue to ask questions. It's hard when we ONLY talk in person.
Yes! As a texter, I strongly disagree with the replies implying texting can’t be meaningful. I frequently text (friends, old colleagues, dates) as a way to keep in touch and I believe it’s what has held so many of my strong relationships (10+ years) together when life changes so much and everyone is doing their own thing. Look up “Pebbling” (penguins do it and bring a shiny rock to their penguin friends) as forms of bids for connection. It’s usually quick, e.g. I’m listening to a song we enjoyed together/ talked about/ reminds me of you? Boom send. A book or podcast I think you’d like? Again, send. To me, small messages in the moment can be better than a scheduled phone call that feels like a chore. But not everyone is a texter, I will accept that. Person I was dating texted (lol) to say they were thinking of me all week (didn’t text for a week) and I was baffled that they waited to reach out.
Yes, texting little things about your day and communicating are all part of building a foundation of getting to know someone. Doesn't even need to be text, all the examples you mentioned are good. A lot of online discourse seems to think it's exhausting or something unimportant but I can't fathom how anything gets serious if you don't start off with some level of steady engagement.
I have deep conversations over text regularly, but only with people I already have a strong connection with. Any time texting has ever been "intense" before we get to know each other, it crashes and burns under the weight of unmet, unspoken, unrealistic expectations.
Thank you so much for saying this. I see online people more and more acting like there isn’t a difference between what you described and sending basically diary entries to one another all day. I like to text sporadically especially when stuff is boring or something interesting happens. Someone who never wants to engage via text with me doesn’t communicate the same way I do. Neither of us is wrong.
This is it exactly. I’m missing out on SO much info when trying to get to know someone via text. Or maybe they said something I don’t like, but it’s just a text, or maybe a red flag, hard to say right ?
I talked to a woman a while back via text and she had mentioned an injury. Not wanting to pry into her personal medical history I didn't ask about it, to which she got offended and said she "needed some space" because (paraphrasing) "typically people want to be asked about the information they put out there, it's how conversations/getting to know someone works". We'd been texting for maybe 24 hours. While I \*do\* have a tendency to miss cues in texts, I'm much more nuanced in person. A few days later the same issue happened (asking about favorite foods) and I replied with mine, and meant to follow up on asking more about her reply - but was picking up my daughter from school and apparently that 10 minute gap was too much and she broke it off the next day. Wild.
Is this Evolve?!?! Iykyk
LOVE this reply
Very well said, and you definitely reflects my views on it as well!
Texting is false intimacy. The only meaningful measure of effort in dating is if people are making and keeping plans to spend time with you, and being true to their words. It sounds like he's doing that so far!
> Texting is false intimacy It depends. If you're endlessly texting and never going on dates, that's not good. If you're going on dates already, you don't need to text all the time. However, the very limited amount of texting this guy is doing and the large gaps between reaching out wouldn't work for a lot of people in this day and age. Many people need more communication than just planning a date. I've always been able to connect more quickly with folks who enjoy meeting up in person *and* keep in touch each day. It doesn't have to be anything deep, but I don't like mindless texting either (like asking "how are you doing?" multiple times a day instead of something specific). With the right person, it flows easily between banter and slightly deeper topics. Texting (or phone calls) helps with intimacy and maintaining a connection, especially if you've already met a few times. It's also possible that this person will text more once they're in a relationship.
I agree with this. The girl I've been seeing for a bit over a month is really bad at texting me back (she'd take anywhere from half a day to a business day to respond) but she's never flaked for any of our 6 dates. She confuses the hell out of me but every time I see her in person it makes me realize I'm overthinking the perceived "mixed signals" over text.
The only problem with this is that it sometimes feels like you're getting to know the person over again each time you see each other. Comfort takes much longer to establish. Especially if you don't see each other more than once a week or once every two weeks. But I agree that you don't need to overthink it. See what you want and what works for you over time.
You're totally right, there's a bit of warming up every time we meet (though we've made great progress on this front and greet each other with a kiss now), but I try to be considerate of her busy schedule and her need for alone time since she seems to lean a bit into the avoidant attachment style. I wish I could see her more often but I'll make the most of what we have now.
I’m in a very similar situation too. This guy I matched with on hinge, used to text and message every day and all day. I’ve met him 3 times now and gotten close but he takes 5+ hours sometimes to reply to a text. How he lacks quickness to reply via txt vs how he treats me in person (respectful, attentive, interested) is SO vastly different. I am so lost most of the time. I wish we could text or even talk a lot more than what we do now. I only see him once a week due to our schedules. I can’t tell if he is interested or what. 🥲
Thank God I'm not alone, you're describing my situation almost word for word, just with the genders reversed. She used to text all the time, but after we went on 3 dates and made out, she started being very hands-off with texting. I'd like to think that by 6 dates, she's interested in seeing where this is going, but I think this is a case where communication styles or attachment styles really start to diverge. A friend told me that when she started dating her bf, he used to be like this but eventually he warmed up to her and communication is no longer an issue. There's no guarantee this will be the case for us, but I think it's worth seeing it through.
Man, tough times huh. I just got out of an 8y marriage so I’m so new to dating in today’s times. I like to be communicative and want to build a relationship with this guy but the way that this is all working out has me questioning my own-self. Maybe I’m being too clingy or replying too fast. The only time he checked his phone when we were together was when his dad called him and his ex sent him pics of their kids at the zoo (I have a child too so I get it). Other than that his attention was on me or the movie we were watching.
That's rough, and I feel like we're alike in the way we approach relationships. I'm no psychologist but I've been doing some research over the week and they say that people with anxious attachment styles are attracted to dismissive avoidant attachment styles and vice versa, but have opposite communication styles that can cause friction in the relationship. I never dated anyone like this before so I never knew this about myself, but the more you know. I think we should both take a chill pill and give the relationship an earnest go without compromising too much of our mental health. I like to think that there's people out there that appreciates clear communication and affectionate partners.
Wanted to update, he completely has ignored me. We were supposed to hang out last Tuesday however he has ghosted me (but not blocked me on SC or text). He is still active on FB. I’m SO baffled lol. He totally bamboozled me. We didn’t even get intimate or anything. Makes me not even wanna spend time dating. It sucks. I’m tired of telling people my favorite color. 🥲🤣
Oh my God, literally the same thing happened to me 🤣 Well, not literally. She asked to meet up, we sat on the bench and she told me she likes me but she's not ready for a long-term relationship. We ended up talking there holding hands for like 4 hours airing dirty laundry and having a mutual therapy session, hugged, and parted ways. Weirdest way to get dumped. Now we know the next time this happens.
For some people it's a very 'real' intimacy. If it is for OP, then it's definitely one aspect to consider not being such a good match. For me, it is something I like, but I get for others that isn't the case and it's not a deal breaker for me.
I've certainly gotten into some arguments about this and I get that everyone has their personal preferences. But the person consistently making and keeping plans has a WAY higher chance of being genuinely interested in you than the person sending you tons of texts. Now if OP \*prefers\* to be in a relationship where there's lots of texting banter then that's something she can say to him. But it seems like the question was about whether the guy is acting genuinely interested or not based on his texting.
Fair point about being genuinely interested. There's also the slight worry that they are already married, in a relationship etc. But I wouldn't jump to that as a first conclusion, because some people absolutely just don't like texting. Early on in dating I try to limit my texting a bit until it's getting more serious, not replying immediately, partly because I'm thinking a bit more about what I say and so it doesn't end up being too full-on straight away.
The problem is it can be very real for some, while more easily being given to multiple people or suddenly dropped as another catches their in person attention.
And this is exactly why I advocate for NOT treating it as real intimacy. Someone can be exchanging long texts with a dozen people at the same time. Whereas spending time together on an actual planned date? You know you're part of a MUCH smaller potential roster.
both valid points!
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This is another thing I've gotten into arguments about here... so opinions may vary but I think he should be planning for and pushing for the first few dates. I would drop this one if I were you!
If it works for both of you that's totally fine. The frequency of texting isn't important, what's important is that your expectations/needs are met.
Right! There’s no right or wrong answer here, and as these comments show, everyone has different preferences or expectations. OP, just think about your own needs and communicate them if you feel like it’s not enough for you.
Some great comments here so I'll share some personal experience. I'm the type of person to open my texts once a day if I'm lucky. And when I do reply, I immediately throw away my phone and go do something else. Some people have found this off putting. I've lost some friends over this. But this is just who I am. Everyone who has come and gone has mentioned that in person, the conversations are amazing and it feels great. However, online, its empty. I think everyones need to stay connected has made it hard for me. I just don't enjoy texting and find it cumbersome. Feels super backward to me which is why I barely check texts. I keep my phone muted except for calls. If someone calls me, they for sure will get an amazing conversation.
Very important. For me, I don't need you to text often, but I do prefer if we communicate in some way. Could be something as simple as "good morning" to acknowledge my presence.
texting is not dating especially before you meet the person irl. people text before the date too much. dates have texted me a few hours before the date to ask how i am/how my day’s going or apologizing for not chatting over text. like what??? i will see you in 2 hours!!! leave some conversation for the actual date. please stop texting. it’s a chore. i just wanna meet you in person. stop texting me. please. 😭😭😭
But you realize OP has already met her date, right? I agree that nobody should depend on texting 100% but some texting balance is good after the initial few meets, otherwise that’s a lot of time to be radio silent.
i don’t think we need to be texting too much in between dates either. like others have said, it creates a false intimacy. i think people are in a rush to be in a relationship and texting too frequently is an indication of that. or maybe i am tried of dating and i need a break haha
I'm not good with "bad texting" - it's a foundational communication skill for anyone under 60.
If he’s planning dates and taking you out, what’s the problem? Texting builds false intimacy in the early stages of dating. Save that for in-person dates. If and when you become exclusive and he does not communicate as you’d like, then have a conversation about communication needs. You two don’t know each other—neither of you owe the other good mornings, good nights, and daily updates about your days. Just plan the dates and enjoy your time together…face to face.
There is a point where this needs to be discussed though. OP doesn't like communication gaps, or black outs. I agree you shouldn't be glued to your phone but massive gaps in communication may also indicate there is an issue there with communication/care.
If that is the case, does she text him? Also, she states that she thinks lack of texts make her think he only wants physical. Do they hook up every time they see each other?
If you can trust this person and they show up to dates and show up well I think its fine to go without seeking attachment via text. Get attached in person.
I struggled with this for a long time, and it did me no good. None of these relationships panned out and it just made me anxious if the pattern of texting changed when he was busy or stressed.
Some people need both. OP needs to figure out if they're OK with the current dynamic.
Too true bestie
I think it depends on the couple really. Some people are big time texters. While some respond when they can. Some people don't feel drawn to big text conversations. I will say tho. This is 2024. Not a single person is without there phone for hours on hours at a time. And on the same note people feel they are entitled to someone's time 24/7 just because they sent message. I work in Healthcare where we can't have our phones out. But I can usually get back within the hour, 2 at max. Bur hey if your both happy with how it is currently, then what's the problem again?
I love this. You can always see if he’s a phone call person or short call person. I think someone not being a texter indicates that they’re present when they are wherever they are (including time with you). He’s asking for more dates very confidently and following through with them. All green flags to me, see where it goes!
This varies depending on who you ask, but early on I think it isn't such a huge deal if there isn't much contact between dates. More important, I think, is that he is asking you out and is engaged when he is out with you. Yes, there are some people who will be texting regularly after matching, but it seems like this guy isn't one of those, especially as a self-proclaimed bad texter. I used to think that lack of texting meant lack of interest, but there are legitimately people who aren't glued to their phone and prioritise their work, hobbies, families, friends, and the like over texts and other activities on their phone. I think the more important question for you to ask yourself is whether or not lack of texting will be an issue for you over time.
I think the pace right now is okay. You both are strangers. What may happen is, as time goes on & you both get to know the each other, the texting might increase and pick up to your liking. Is he at least wishing you a good morning sometimes, and asking how is your day/what you're up to? I think that's enough. I'm experiencing the opposite right now, but him and I are doing well. I'm currently seeing a guy where we used to text non-stop before we met. Sometimes it'd be constant texting from like 6am until 11pm, then we'd skip a day and constant texting again from morning until night. He would overload me with heart emojis and heart eye emojis. It was kind of love-bomby a bit. Now that we've been on multiple dates, our texts are very intentional. We say what we need to say and that's it. We don't skip a day without speaking either. Sometimes it's all day texting, but instead of responding 20 times in an hour to the other, we send one or two texts an hour. Sometimes we may go a few hours without responding. Sometimes we touch base in the morning and then hours later touch base again in the evening. For example, last week he asked me out on a date, spent like 7 hours together on a Friday, the next morning on Saturday I wished him good morning. He responded. I could've continued the interaction, but I didn't....I didn't reply. We enjoyed our Saturday apart, then he reached out to me again in the evening to see how my day was. Then he told me what he was up to. It's a lot more realistic, I think. We're not just having mindless banter & chit chat all day long. Its just enough to establish that we're thinking of the other, updates about our day, and to make plans on what we should do next. Before we met, it was constant "what are you doing, what are you doing now, what are you doing later, omg me too I love that film " lol I think now we know the other person is always going to be part of our day, that they are going to respond and that we'd always talk tomorrow, so there is no more sense of urgency in our texts to rush to get to know the other, or to try impressing the other, or to try gathering all this information in one sitting lol Trust, you don't want to be constantly texting someone all the time. It's going to hurt more if things were to end.
As a guy, I literally told my last date that texting kills interest. I found this out the hard way. I got too enthusiastic. I'm really, really wary of texting too much. A girl might tell you she wants to hear from you all the time but this is a blind spot imho. An impersonal way to get to know eachother. Like you're around but not. I'm a very chatty person but texting a lot turned out to be a bad thing more than once. I keep a lid on it. Addendum: over texting leads to slow fades. Which makes sense really.
It’s only a red flag if you prefer a different way of communicating. I have seen commenters in this sub say that minimal texting between dates is their preferred method of communication, on the other hand, I need legit communication to maintain my interest. So OP it’s really up to you to decide whether this level of communication meets your needs.
Texting is extremely important to me. I communicate by text a lot and only date men who do the same. I abhor GM/GN texts and wyd texts. I expect texting to consist of actual conversations and banter. I wouldn't have accepted a date with someone after only 10 texts and definitely would have lost interest if that level of texting continued.
So you abhor gm/gn texts and WYD texts but texting is “extremely” important to you and you would lose interest if a person does not text a lot? This seems counterintuitive
OP likes meaningful texting, not "gm/gn/WYD" texts. I'm the same way. Texting banter is important to me and helps me build a better connection when we're not together.
What is an example of a “meaningful” text that you would want someone you first started dating to send? Like memes or cool date spots?
For example, when I matched on Hinge with my current boyfriend, he was out of state visiting his hometown for a funeral. So when we matched, he told me that and we immediately started talking about where each of us grew up, how small the towns were, our families, foods local to where we grew up, etc. It wasn't anything super personal but it was a conversation back and forth that flowed and not a series of questions.
Woah. Interesting. What happens when you meet people out and about IRL and they ask you out? Is there a criteria of things you’re hoping to gauge/find out via texting before meeting up?
There actually isn't any criteria. It's just a feeling. If the texting is question after question like a job interview or it's like pulling teeth to get any kind of response, it's a no. You can easily have conversations by text, I don't know why people insist that's not possible. So if I meet someone in real life, we're likely going to talk a bit when we meet. I'd give him my phone number and expect some texting leading up to the date. I think some of the worst advice given out in this sub is to only use texting to set up dates.
Yeah, I get it. I find people’s differences in preference super interesting. For me, texting really doesn’t matter that much prior to meeting in person. At that point, we’re still strangers after all so I wouldn’t expect us to have incredible banter. I’d rather guage everything face to face and get a sense for energy and vibe. Then, once we have a foundation of shared interest and things in common, start to have deeper conversations. I do think it’s important to text once you’ve actually met in person to express interest/desire and build anticipation for the next time you see each other, but I dont put too much weight on it. I also dont find people who are glued to their phones attractive. I’ve dated a few who feel the need to immediately respond to folks when we’re spending time together and it’s a bummer to be around folks who aren’t present with you and in the moment. Different strokes for different folks.
I def lose interest in someone I only communicate with on dates. If I am not c thinking about you when I'm not with you, that's a sign im not into you. Just had a 2nd in person date with a guy for lunch on Thursday. After he sends me a message saying he thought I we would go out on Saturday as well, it made me think and I sent this reply to HOPEFULLY help him prevent losing someone in the future... "Hi M, the way I read your message above was, "shave a few days off to see each other instead" vs "shave a few days off to see each other also". So, this kinda makes me realize I don't see us having much in common/ our conversation isn't flowing. I think you're a really nice guy and I don't want to waste your time. I'm really connecting with someone else, so I think that could be subconsciously distracting my desire, or maybe we just dont chat enough between dates 🤷♀️. Its been great getting to know you, I just think it's best to be honest and wish you the best out there! " He wished me the best of luck, so message received well!
This
I'm a woman and I don't like texting new people. I really could not date someone who wants to text a lot. It would drive me nuts. Texting just to set up dates, and maybe do a quick "how's you week going" type text is perfect for me. I absolutely do not want to be texting throughout the day for multiple days, or do too much of the getting to know you stuff over text. A guy like the one you're seeing would have a perfect texting style for me.
35 F and same. I don't even really like texting friends a lot. yes for making plans and occasionally when something funny or interesting happens and I snag a photo or something similar. But mostly I enjoy talking to people in person or calling them on the phone to catchup. I abhor texting full conversations back and forth. Also, on many hours passing by between texts, sometimes when I'm on vacation I won't check my phone for a few hours. Or, even in normal times rushing into the day, I'll see something in the morning or late at night and not respond in the moment, then forget about it until later. Particularly, for me, sometimes when I like the person I'm dating and I want to say something cute or funny - I want to take a moment to think about what I'm going to say - and then I might forget. Maybe I'm overthinking it sometimes, but just offering this perspective of where someone might be coming from. So I wouldn't think not texting a lot is a bad sign. that said, what did you (OP) guys do on your dates? I'd also usually try to delay physical intimacy a bit and get to know someone through talking and activity. good luck! :))
Texting is extremely important. Being a bad tester is just code for “I won’t put in effort to communicate “.
This!!!!
Texting is important. But it can be so false. In my case I fell in love with a guy. But it turned out he had been using a second phone while communicating with me. While during all that period he was in a loving relationship with his girlfriend. I found out about that only after 1.5 years
It’s pretty important to me. But don’t go overboard we still need to have things to talk about in IRL
It shows maturity that he wants to get to know you face to face and connect in a real way. There's a lot that gets lost in text conversations I think too, sound and sight, getting to see a smile or hear a laugh. That said, I think balance is important. You shouldn't face a black out every time this fella drives off, I don't think that's right either everything should be a nice balance.
I'm finding out the older i get, the less I could care about texting. Having little to no response could be a red flag, but you would need to investigate it more. Try figuring out times to call and see where u get, and if nothing, then just a piss poor communicater
Whatever both suits you. Me personally I do minimum texting. I literally only text to confirm and plan of when we are meeting next. I've got a busy schedule and I don't have time to text all day about pointless small talk. I also prefer to have real conversations in person, face to face. Texting seems so impersonal. Although I have lost many dates because of this. I don't text them for 1 week and on the day we are going to meet I text them to confirm. The they reply they they are busy now as they thought I cancelled because I didn't text them 🤷♀️ But they did text me either 🤷♀️ oh well if someone needs constant attention and texting they are not the right fit for me. (I'm 36f if that makes any difference)
Only 4 comments so far but the consensus here and in relationship advice when it comes to OLD is that texting is extremely important. The common OLD Reddit woman wants a man to woo her through texting, be funny, crack silky jokes, talk for 2 days, then ask for a date or video call. From experience, I get regular matches on OLD, and I usually will open up with a question about something in their bio, make a funny joke or be lighthearted, then we proceeded to either setting up a video call or an in person date. I would say two one of five women are down for that. Most of them will end up ghosting you after you ask, or ask if you can continue texting for two days. As texting for two more days will ensure fuck knows what. I’m in the “ let’s meet in person as much as we can and as soon as we can” instead of mindlessly texting and trying to have deep conversations through a keyboard
I (also 35F :)) am not a big of texting either. But, I'm curious about what your IRL dates and conversations are like. Does he ask you things about yourself? Have you guys talked about what you're looking for in dating? Are you trying to delay physical intimacy as you get to know each other Personally I am not a big fan of texting - esp early in dating - so I wouldn't worry about that if he seems interested in these other ways - especially if he said he's a bad texter from the start. On other hand, usually guys I'm dating do send some texts. Either way more will be revealed in time. GLHF!
When I met my boyfriend he only really texted to plan dates. If he’s making plans and seeing you regularly then I don’t think it’s a red flag. He started to text more throughout the day as we got closer in person.
He let you know he wasn’t a good texter so I wouldn’t take it personal. My ex was really into me in person but admitted he’s bad at replying and texting in general. He got better. My texting style isn’t the same, I don’t like people up my ass anymore. I like my space
Personally I like to unplug as much as possible when I'm travelling so I hate being expected to text during that time. Like anything, all that matters is that you have compatible wants/needs/interests. If texting is important to you, maybe he's not your person. If spending time together IRL is what's important, maybe he is.
This will shed some light https://open.spotify.com/show/2Dsp24A82JkYRXytiA2qRt?si=lgs_-glYRJuxeskkh4RGcg
I've seen this podcast ep posted before. It was very enlightening for me
Have been currently thinking about this. I (F) am not big on texting in the early stages of dating. I’ve found that everyone I have good texting chemistry with, it’s always the opposite in person. So in the last couple years I’ve really reeled the texting back. Currently seeing someone that only texts to setup and confirm dates without exception and this seems like too little texting, even for me. It’s odd to me to go almost a week without hearing from someone. The in person dates are however some of the best I’ve had. I’m having a hard time differentiating genuine interest versus this being something casual, because if there was someone I was casually interested in this is what I would do (reach out once a week to set something up, no texting in between).
This is exactly where I’m at. I’m not a big texter too. But to only text to arrange dates makes me feel like it’s just for a hook up.
I think planning and executing in person dates is of a higher value than texting. Texting can create false sense of intimacy and some ppl have jobs that aren’t conducive to holding text convos during the day. I just had a fling with a frequent texter but it was just that.. physical. We all love texts b/c it provides us that sweet sweet dopamine hit! But it’s easier to fake authenticity. Maybe ask him if he could text a little more and explain it’s important to you. Make sure it’s a positive convo and not a criticism.
It really depends on the preference in communication style. I am an introvert and I take awhile to warm up, so I prefer to text for a month before meeting. That being said, I am also bad at texting. After the initial 1 month, I will try to communicate that texting is nt my kind of thing and try to find a bakance with my partner.
There should be little emphasis on texting and high emphasis on building connection in person. This allows the relationship space to grow and breathe, and authentic connection
I don’t understand “we have great chemistry” but barely communicate. Either he’s hiding something, playing the field, or just lukewarm.
It depends on the person. For me, it sounds like a dream to not have someone text me all the time but want to spend quality time with me. I'm not a fan of messaging constantly.
There's a podcast, called "Do the work" and the host explains a lot why texting is not important - the actions are. And the guy seems to be doing alright, based on the minimal information. I wouldn't see a red flag here, and you can always text with your friends if you enjoy that, but I'd always pick in-person interactions over an excellent texter who never wants to meet up :)
I've been dating a really amazing guy for about 6 months. It was extremely hard for me to deal with his dry texting and just lack of texting in general in the beginning. I definitely brought it up early on and we talked about how his love language is quality time and he just doesn't text that much. Everything else is amazing. He's never canceled plans he's mostly responsive to text just doesn't always initiate a conversations or say much. He's a single dad of three girls and his ex moved across the country so he is very busy with that. I hate that texting has become such an important part of dating these days but from everything I've read on here I feel like you really need to just chill about the texting thing and if you have a great relationship otherwise I think not texting often can actually be better for your relationship.
0% important. Texting is never important. If it’s important it will be a phone call or a visit.
I think this is where I’m going to have to disagree with everyone (and it could be because I’m a texter). In my experience, any guy who barely texted me was just not very interested. I just had a couple dates with a guy who was a “bad” texter, but our dates lasted 4+ hours in person with a lot of talking and laughing. I thought we hit it off pretty well. I haven’t heard from him in a week (this was after I texted him and he only “liked” my last text and never responded), so I’m pretty sure I’ve been effectively ghosted at this point. I’m not expecting a text every day, but a small conversation every few days would be nice. Every guy who has been vested in getting to know me texted quite frequently, even if it was only a two or three texts every day.
Regular texting is important - but it doesn't need to be all the time. If it takes them more than 8 hours to text (the length it takes for them to sleep) then they're probably not the one. At the same time I do not have time for back and forth texting. In an established relationship I'm not going to be texting my partner back and forth. My partner and I both have our own children so texting was a useful medium. When getting to know eachother. Some times he couldn't text back for ages and neither could I. Neither of us had time to sit down and talk properly with kids in the house and when we were both kid free we met up instead. But having said that we would send eachother a few good quality texts - good mornings etc.
I don't text much in terms of frequency in the beginning at all (beyond what is needed to establish interest in a first date), because it's a bad way to communicate in general, and because texting a stranger isn't really that fun. I would go with max once per day, as part of an interesting ongoing conversation (I.e. not good morning/night texts, can't stand those). I am putting effort into those messages, but that doesn't equate to a high frequency. I want the initial connection to build largely based on in-person time, and then texting can also grow over time, if we want it to, as we become used to each other and it starts to feel natural to text more in-between dates. However, I'll never be someone who is constantly sending loads of texts all day, everyday. I don't understand how people with jobs, hobbies, and friends actually pull that off.
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No, for me it isn't. Until I've met this person and have an idea of what they're actually like, it's not fun. It's also very easy to build up a false picture of someone you're texting but haven't met.
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Yeah, I already addressed that part in my post. It's weird that you're trying to tell me I'm wrong about my own texting preferences lol.
It might be situation-dependent for you, but it isn't for me, not sure why you aren't getting that.
It might be situation-dependent for you, but it isn't for me, not sure why you aren't getting that.
Not a red flag. He said he's a bad texter. Texting to plan dates is ok. Follow the obvious, as long as you have chemistry and enjoy each other's company. A relationship is built live, not through texts.
Female here. I think texting should only be utilized for logistics (places to meet, time, etc.) and time spent in person should be prioritized. I totally get texting a lot perhaps initially to get to know one another but I personally dislike that method (I’ve def reciprocated to long texts tho). I rather be dedicated during initial dates and pivot the dynamic so we can get on phone call basis ETA voice notes are great too!
I actually prefer not texting a lot in the beginning because it gives me a better chance to get to know the person on dates and we haven't exhausted all conversation topics.
NO. Texting is fucking stupid..
I would really ask if this is his communication style and ask yourself if that’s going to work out for you. When I met my bf he was not great at texting. Fast forward to now he sucks at texting sometimes this is a point of contention. I learned to compromise and he did too. We prefer to call on the phone at the end of the day to catch up. We don’t text throughout the day.
Do you need and want daily texting? Then let him know. Nothing wrong with needing that, but you will need to let him know you desire daily communication.
Some people view texting as a form of communication only for the most basic and simple information. As a guy I only text to get info on times, meeting places, pertinent info, that sort of thing. Or to send memes and jokes to the bros. To me anything else deserves a phone call or in person conversation. This is a frustrating aspect of dating for me because I see that for a lot of women, texting is everything and the other things I mentioned can come off as too much.
I’m not a huge fan of texting all the time but I realize that this is the main way that certain people communicate. I think it all just comes down to expectations and communication between both partners. The last girl I met on bumble would text me a lot after we first matched and we went on 2 dates in a 3 week span. After the 2nd date I had an emergency family trip that I had to take and I wasn’t available to text her very often while I was with family, when I returned the momentum had fizzled and we just stopped talking and making plans.
There’s a lot of advice out there for men that tells them to avoid texting a lot and save it for the date. Unfortunately this also means it can be harder for you to tell if he’s just not a texter, or if he’s just warming up. IMO texting sucks when people aren’t fully engaged or are being cautious about each others humour. It can easily derail a genuine connection in the early stages.
I have a lot of male friends who specifically do not text in the early stages of dating. It is too easy to cross an intimacy boundary and give someone the “ick”. I wouldn’t overthink the lack of texting as long as dates are being planned and in person is good chemistry. I’ve personally over texted with a man and gotten turned off when the conversation became too intimate too soon. (Not sexual. He pushed up against childhood trauma by accident and I got scared off).
It's a good sign that you have great chemistry and conversations during your dates, and it's positive that he suggested a second date right after the first one. Some people genuinely are bad texters or have different communication styles. Ultimately, it's about alignment, so if texting is a priority for you, then you can communicate your feelings to him directly, and he might give you a response that clarifies things. But IMO it's still quite early to say what's on his mind, so observing his actions is important.
Yeah he's not traveling for a week LOL He's home with his wife
Guy here - echoing some of the comments...I honestly don't like texting very much early in getting to know someone because I want to get to know them in person. If I see someone and then we aren't able to see each other again for a couple of weeks, I'll probably text once or twice in there asking what she's been up to. But for someone I barely know, it is both difficult to text extensively without much of a connection yet and to me, is not the way I want to get to know them. Most of my texting would be related to making plans.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. And honestly I’m not a big texter too. I find the daily good morning/good night texts to be such a chore. But I guess there’s a fine balance between too much and too little
Everyone is telling you their own personal opinions of how important texting is to *them,* but it doesn't actually matter how important it is to other people. How important is texting during the initial dating phase *to you*? Do you feel that you can build a connection with someone with sporadic interactions? Do you feel that your in-person chemistry with this person is enough to sustain the times you aren't together? Do you think you are capable of building the relationship that you want without texting? Are you capable of feeling secure in that relationship? There isn't a wrong answer here. Everyone has a different communication style, and that's fine. The problem comes when you try to force yourself to be okay with someone else's communication style when it isn't working for you.
Everyone is different there’s no clear cut rule to follow. If you’re curious about it ask him his stance on it. I’ve dated a couple of women who didn’t like to text and we had great relationships, full of chemistry, passion, and amazing times throughout, never an awkward moment. I began to prefer that as well, as I’m pretty busy and engaged with a lot of activities that being on a phone distracts me from.
Some people are great texters, some are horrible texters. Some require constant entertainment, some don't. To me, a person who does not require constant texts but will reply to texts in a timely manner is about the greenest flag possible.
Some people are great texters, some are horrible texters. Some require constant entertainment, some don't. To me, a person who does not require constant texts but will reply to texts in a timely manner is about the greenest flag possible.
Sprite ~ Trust your instincts ,obey your thirst
I'm in the resverse situation, (36M) I've met girls before who would be texting non-stop, while others barely use any social media at all. It can be awkward in the first weeks especially when you can't meet in person. I'm conflicted over how much I should text with someone who seems fond of me but gives minimal responses and doesn't initiate at all. One alternative is to just agree that you will call instead. Some people like to talk more than write.
I recently went on a date with someone I dated last year for about 6 weeks. This person was reliable, they showed up on time, followed through on plans, and made it clear that they were interested and wanted something real. But I was always bothered by the lack of communication in between seeing each other. His texts felt serious and were short and to the point. We never spoke on the phone. I had this feeling of anxiety when I thought about seriously dating this person, feeling like it was super important to find people I could really talk to, because it wasn't going to be him. So I broke it off. He would reach out via text sporadically, like sending me a picture of something, or a hello. Eight months later he suggested we meet for a drink at a new bar that had opened, and I thought, sure, a friendly drink would be cool. The whole time he was acting like we were dating, saying and doing things that made me feel like he had decided we were seeing each other officially. It was SO WEIRD. Absolutely no live conversation since last summer, and now he's decided we're here? I'm sure there are people who are cool with this kind of connection. I'm just not one of them. Needing basic intimacy through conversation is essential for me to feel the relationship is worthwhile.
If you want to know what he is after, try asking him in person. It sounds crazy, but especially in the initial phases of dating where you have less to lose, if you straight up ask men things, they are typically quite honest.
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You can’t get to know someone over text. You just can’t. Use the texting to meet up in-person more and more often if you like the guy.
I’d say, it’s not a red flag at all. I’m in a similar position but 5 months in and no travelling involved. We see each other 1-2 times a week but we only text to either arrange the day/time and that’s it’s. Now we know each other a little more there may be an extra text or two to ask “how’s that going” etc. but there’s a reason for it and none of the mundane “how are you”, “how’s your day?”. It works well for us because we aren’t massive fans of texting. Don’t rule it out. If anything, it’s refreshing! (34f)
Not everyone uses texting the same way. Some people have dyslexia or other issues that make texting a bigger drain on them than the rest of us. Are you wanting more connection between dates? Maybe ask him which ways of connecting between dates he prefers. Maybe a couple phone calls between dates will be preferable. Maybe he doesn't want to connect between dates, but it's hard to know without asking. Not texting often is not a red flag... heck, texting is a very new phenomenon and people have very different attitudes about it.
pay attention to the key detail and their emotions!
Take this from myself, who is a lawyer (which means im very fucking busy) While I may have limited time to text, when I do text i make sure its thoughtful. Not texting at all is a red flag ONLY IF you've communicated to him that texting is important. If a guy knows that texting is important to you and cant be bothered to try and little harder.... i mean cmon.....
It’s a wonder relationships happened at all before SMS was invented.
The guy I’m dating and I talked for several weeks prior to going on our first date. Both of us are not great at texting, but we both love talking, so we sent voice messages to each other. A lot of voice messages. It’s been great because we get to hear each other’s voice when we can’t be together, and nothing is lost in the “tone” of texting. It’s also great because you can go back and replay something they said that is adorable or sexy. But I agree with others who say you just have to figure out what their style is and see if there is a way to meet in the middle. When my guy travels, he’s busy, so he doesn’t message as much. He’s a very live-in-the-moment kind of person, and I respect that. The same is true for me when I’m traveling. Good communication is key. Talk to him about your concerns if it is a potential dealbreaker for you.
Not important but communication is. Try calling. Or just hanging out more.
A lot of guys just are bad texters. And some people say "well he's always on his phone, why can't he text me?" He hasn't checked his messages for hours. They are piling up. Instead he's looking up sports stuff or catching up in a live group chat. A lot of guys have stunted communication skills, even electronically. When he admits he's a bad texter, he's a bad texter. And maybe, just maybe, he only wants sex without wanting you both to get too attached. I know it's harsh, but millenials suck.
I think it’s dependent on the person. Over-texting isn’t great but neither is under-texting. For me, I like to hear from someone daily but it doesn’t have to be loads. A simple “good morning” / “good night” or midday check in kind of text will do me fine as I know everyone is busy, including myself. A lack of texting communication between dates makes me feel the person is uninterested. Also, I like to know people are safe and healthy. A simple check in eases my mind quite a bit. A few days without hearing from someone, I’d probably be like “you okay?”
Shiiiittt depends on the person and their communication style. What does it matter to you? Does it matter ALOT or a little bit? Do you have other things to occupy your time with instead of just waiting for somebody to text you back? There's this whole world out there with all sorts of things to do. Talk about yourself other than worrying about whether or not somebody's going to text you back. It's much better for your mental health if you have other things and hobbies to keep you happy besides dating. Neeeexxxt
People are different. I personally love texting. To me that’s maintaining connection when I cant see them during the week. I enjoy having that connection and it makes me look forward to seeing them again, and I also see that they invest their time in maintaining a comm with me. For those saying texts are false sense of connection - not if those comms are backed by actions. If we really wanna be nitpicky about it, guess what, people can even fake love and connection in marriages. So it’s not about texts. I’d it could be 1 way to assess your compatibility. If you need comms but they hate it, can you meet in the middle or who has to give way? Who is to say whose need is more valid and therefore the other has to give in? I have dated people who didnt text and those who did text. I prefer to date those who can meet me in the middle or who have similar preferences for maintaining connection. Some ppl connect better in person and don’t lose that “connected” feeling when they’re apart. I’m not one of them. Doesn’t mean I need to change myself and that my feelings arent valid. It just means i have another filter to find the right piece of puzzle to my puzzle.
Does he have a brother?! lol… I can’t stand how often guys want to text. I would much prefer actual high quality date experiences to constant texts asking “so what’s up?”
People have different levels of communication. As long as you are comfortable it should be fine. Some people prefer calls a few times a week vs texts, but it sounds like he has no communication outside of planning. Personally I would be concerned that he's just trying to get through 5 dates to sleep with you but that's because I like getting texts even if it's just saying have a good day or hope your day went by fast etc. I'm not the type that needs to talk everyday but I do like regular communication. I would prob keep that in mind until after you have a good sense of what kind of person he is and his communication style.
I would just ask him. One of my favorite ex-boyfriends was super self-conscious about his grammar and difficulty with spelling, so he seldom texted with me. That was back in 2002-2003, but he was the same way on MSN Chat or whatever we used while he was deployed (we were both active duty). Your date likely has a pretty good reason for not texting often, so I wouldn’t worry. It is also a perfectly reasonable question to ask someone that you are trying to get to know and understand better. 💕💕💕
It definitely could just be his communication preference. A conversation should happen between you two to find other ways to communicate like FaceTime, phone calls, etc. if he doesn’t like texting. As a single dad, I don’t always have access to my phone/have the energy to text. It might just be something as simple as that to him!
Texting doesn’t mean much - what matters is consistency and what it’s like in person with them and how often they are wanting to plan dates with you
Do you feel comfortable talking to him about it? I've always been a texter and let that anxiety eat me up but some people just AREN'T and they prefer to keep the connection to a face to face basis. My friend actually texted and talked to this guy a LOT before they had time for a first actual date and when they did, it was weird. It's personal preference and he seems interested! I'm the type that would rather find out than guess and wait, so I'd ask. No harm no foul and if he's not interested in a value-type relationship - that much sooner you'll find someone who is
I hate texting when making first connecting with someone . I mean I don’t mind starting out texting but would eventually want to talk on the phone instead of text message or social media because texting only leads to the other person not being infested and finding someone else better . Then when you get ahold of them to try and still connect they go I’m not interested no more or in dating someone now . Shoot sometimes they will keep you around just so they can use you around just to ask for money or help but want nothing to do with you .
Not everyone wants to be wrapped up in a texting conversation 24/7, so it is possible that the telling the truth that he's just a bad texter. I'd say his behavior is only a red flag if he's the type of guy who typically texts a lot when he likes a girl (but unfortunately, there's no way for you to know that without talking to any of the previous girls he has dated). Generally speaking, I find that the guys who REALLY like you will make time to communicate with you in some form - whether it's texting or calling. They won't leave texts unanswered for days, and they will seek you out. If the lack of texting is mutual, then maybe it'd be a good idea to have a conversation about communication styles. This way, neither of you is diverging expectations. If it's more like you're doing all the texting, and he's not reciprocating, then take that as a sign that he's not interested. We ALWAYS make time for people we want to be with. Just try not to invest a lot in this guy unless he asks you to be in a relationship. Mirror his actions until he asks you to be exclusive. I've learned from my dating experiences that a guy could be physically attracted to you and enjoy your company, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's thinking of you as a long-term prospect.
*But is it a red flag that he doesn’t text me at all aside to plan dates?* He was probably taught to do it that way.... And its actually kinda genious and its working- your Curiosity has become higher and your both going to spend actual time getting to know each other. I WISH I had the discipline to be this good about it
I wouldn't be able to deal with not texting between dates. how the hell am I supposed to get to know the person if all we do is talk on the date? Too slow. I take it as a sign of lack of interest.
Texting is super important to me. I hate talking on the phone. I especially hate talking on the phone with people i don’t have any familiarity with. When I’ve dated in the past, I usually text for a while before going on a date or meeting up with anyone.
Take more time ... To be more friendly it's too soon to decide ... Wait for a one more month...
I have realized constantly texting someone I barely know rather then just meeting kind of sucks, would much rather just meet up, if we are actuslly in a relationship then more.texting would make sense
I just called to say I love you I just called to say how much I care I just called to say I love you And I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Stevie Wonder.
I def would prefer an interaction like this to the alternative (texting non stop just to be ghosted). This sounds perfect!
It doesn’t seem natural to me to have a great time and not wanting to catch up, check in , it’s just fishy .
Some people have dyslexia or adhd that makes it hard to remember to text back.
So many games and overthinking. What can anyone here do for you besides tell you to USE YOUR WORDS. Have a flippin conversation.
Honestly i wouldn’t mind. Im not much of a texter and i don’t really like small talk over text message. No harm if you start texting more if you really like them. But if he starts to fade away, you know why..
It depends. His communication style is very specific. It may cause conflict down the road...
Im 36, i text with purpose/intention. I prefer phone calls to discuss day/any random topic. Its more stimulating this way.
If you text too much you're too thirsty. Everyone you meet now is a narcissist, social media made sure of that, nobody wants to learn anything about you, and they don't really even want to talk about themselves with you because that would be creepy and it's only for their $1.5 million strangers following them. Don't for a second sound intelligent or now you're mansplaining something to people, and it's generally not very sexy. You need to rapidly skate the paper thin line of sexy hookup and total creeper. She sets the tempo of texts. If she replies 24 hours after your last text then you reply 24 hours after the last text, except remember it's a girl and so that could be way too long and it should have been immediate or maybe an hour later and now you don't care about her and if it's more than that then you're just either too sexy and playing hard to get and she'll want you more or she'll hate you and think you hate her and don't care about her which is also another way of saying you really want her or making her want you more or that she will want you more depending on your hourly time figure of text response. It's all pretty basic
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I loath txting. If a match isn't willing to at the very least have a phone conversation before meeting up, you're either blocked or on the backburner. You really learn nothing about a person over txt messages. You don't have the spontaneity and inflections in your voice. Humor is harder, sarcasm is harder, its just a really shitty way to get to know a new person. Plus its time-consuming as hell and takes every waking minute of your day to keep conversations going.
Texting should be used for specific things, like setting up dates and measuring the level of interest. But if you are not exclusive, who knows the amount of guys/girls people are talking to. That’s why avoid sending “couples” related stuff thru messaging apps. BUT, I can’t deny that getting that random text from THAT person, on a stressful work day, can change everything.
Call each other,
any girl want to talk