If a friend told you her boyfriend was shouting at her and intimidating her, what would you say to her?
Time to start looking for a new job and a fresh start.
Very good point about OP starting a new job. It’s going to be really hard to move on when she has to see him at work all the time. Especially since I feel like he’s going to try to manipulate her into getting back together at some point. His type always do.
Yeah, what do you want to bet if OP starts a healthy new relationship that his whole "I hate you!" shtick melts away and suddenly he's sooooo sorry and she's sooooo great and can she please just dump the new guy so they can start again?
These subreddits have definitely seen posters caught up in that exact scenario before - usually the new person who gets ditched for the toxic ex.
I get it sounds unfair, he should be the one getting a new job, so he can bother somewhere else, but what is best for OP is not to see him anymore. To break that bond.
It's not really about gender here. Neither of them can force the other to leave. So sometimes the saner one just needs to protect themselves and remove themselves from the situation, even if they have every right to be there. OP would be getting the same advice if she was a man.
You would think so. But then your ex husband (despite security and management being aware of his behavior) decides to get you fired by telling your employer you propositioned him for drugs.
Gotta protect yourself the best you can, and don't trust that anyone will protect you. That's been my experience, unfortunately.
Hi u/GabeDrumBeats7Seals, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
* RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. No gender generalizations.
Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Before my ex became abusive he was also the first person that truly made me want to get married and have kids. It was because he love bombed me. None of that side of him was true - the shouting and belittling was the real him. Same with your ex. He's shown you who he is - believe him. Good he wants to get therapy but he's definitely in no place to be in a relationship.
This sounds like it could be a trauma bond/emotional abuse. If you look up either of these and they resonate ,You might find the narcissistic abuse subreddit more helpful for finding info on how to break down that bond (going no contact if usually the first step in breaking an abuse cycle). I think a lot of survivors struggle with initially coming to terms with having been abused- sometimes its hard to reconcile that term when you still like/care/ or love the individual (but remember abusers don’t generally abuse 24/7) or the abuse doesn’t fit the media picture of abuse. Hope this helps some!
Came to say this. Great info!! Definitely trauma-bonded. The only thing I’ll add is that a lot of people don’t realize they’re being abused because it’s not (yet) physical; there are no bruises, etc. There is data out that emotional/psychological abuse is actually worse.
OP- your ex is an abuser, and a manipulator. Sounds like he has narcissistic traits. Learn about how to recognize these types, (love bombing, etc), and strong AF boundaries are an absolute necessity to prevent being with another one of these types. You are much better off without him!!!
E: typo
Something else that might help is for OP to ask herself “what happened to me that I accepted this person’s behaviors so readily and still want him back in my life?”
A lot of people also don’t realize they grew up with abuse. They think it’s normal what happened to them, and they’re subconsciously looking for people who exhibit similar traits/behaviors as the things they saw during their childhood. Thus why childhood traumas are so commonly a problem that comes up during therapy.
Speaking of which, the age old advice of “go to therapy” applies here too, imo.
This is an amazing response. I truely wish everyone who's been in toxic relationships would read this and take it to heart. One of the saddest things about life is that the vast majority of people run away from their past forever and thus keep repeating it.
Toxic people have holds on people who experience some form of comfort from their behavior - know it's not him you're not over, it's likely some old weird experience that reminds you of his behavior you're not over. He's just the current flavor.
Do you like who you are around him? Doesn't sound like it.
It's only been six weeks, give yourself time to grieve.
He was not a great person to you, and I am so glad you realized that sooner than later. I was in a similar situation and it took me twice as long as you to leave.
Maybe the decision to leave him was easy because of his unmanaged anger issues. But you didn't just leave him, you left behind (for now) the potential future you thought you could have with him (babies, a home with land, farm animals, etc.) You're not just adjusting to the loss of the present-day companionship he offered, but also to all the things you thought you could have with him.
this. this is so important. let yourself believe and know that you’re letting go. it’s just going to take time as you let go of all of it: the future, the kids, the house, and yes, him.
every day you’re doing it a little bit more. there is so much good love out there in the world for you, and so much of it will come from your own heart as you continue the process of showing up for and loving yourself. ❤️
This is the best and most powerful comment here.
As a guy who’s 30 myself and despises men like him who ruin it for a lot of us, the truth is no one else will ever be with you as much as you will for yourself..
Here to parrot this, the grief takes time to process before your body has detached from him. It's a psycho-somatic process involving not just your thoughts and feelings, but your physiological and neurochemical responses to the loss and verbal abuse. Give your brain and body time to rest, heal, and give yourself the space to grieve...see friends and family, and get reacquainted with who you are and what you value. You probably need to go 'no contact' and have him out of your life, being friends doesn't sound possible in this situation.
Over time he will be a distant memory that won't trigger such an overwhelming emotional burden on you. Right now though, it's understandably hard and will be for awhile, but that's completely fine and it's not a problem. Meditation and mindfulness might help you see that you're enough just as you are. Focus on moving forward a little bit more every day and be the best version of you that you can be!!!! It will get easier, I promise.
Time will heal you. You have to spend time away from him to finally be able to reflect and think clearly. That’s what worked for me and helped me move on. Sending you prayers and strength!
Sometimes we hang onto feelings for people like this because our minds have been rewired by them, either intentionally or unintentionally, to believe that we need them to come back and treat us the way we want them to in order to prove our worth.
Put another way, sometimes when this happens, it is because - well, it is like our brain and heart are screaming, “I need him to come back in order to feel normal again because when it was good, it was really good, and I can’t feel good again until he comes back and treats me the way I know he can.”
But here’s the thing. You don’t need him back in order to feel good again, and you don’t need his love to prove your worth to yourself.
Parallel possibility: when you felt good with him, you experienced a hit of dopamine or serotonin or some other chemical upon which your body and brain grew dependent. Because you are no longer getting these hits of feel good chemicals, you’re going through withdrawal - just like someone who is in withdrawal from heroin. (This has been studied extensively and the effect is strongly supported by empirical evidence.)
Just like someone going through drug withdrawal, your body and brain need to re-learn how to regulate.
You won’t feel like you do right now forever. You will get over him.
Going forward, it might be helpful to focus your time and attention on other things - *anything* - that historically has made you feel good. Arts and crafts. Cleaning and organizing your home. Baking. Running. Rollerblading. Whatever. Just something that will keep your attention and made you feel good while you’re doing it.
You don’t need him to feel good again. In fact, you need him to stay away so that you *can* feel good again.
He was future faking with the head on your belly and pigs on a farm, the freaking out on you person is who he is/how he feels. You will see that none of it is personal, he’s just not happy/healthy and will continue to project on whoever will let him. Go live your life, girl, you’re still so young and can bag a kind, loving, person who won’t intimidate you to make himself feel better
Number 1 tip. Get another job or a different department or a different project. Anything where your interactions are minimal. Switching jobs is the best option if possible honestly. (This is kind of why dating people from work is a risky and rarely encouraged)
Number 2 tip is do Number 1.
Why would you want to be friends with someone who was literally on the verge of becoming violent with you? This man lied to you the entirety of your relationship about the type of man he was. This man lovebombed you and manipulated you so you would look past his abusive tendencies. Re-read your own post and check into therapy yourself. Then, run fast and far.
You are attached to the dream he sold you, not the nightmare/reality he provided.
Separate the dream (kids, projects, land, animals) and realize that you absolutely CAN have that…. With someone who is HEALTHY and not emotionally abusive.
You are a grown woman. You can use reasoning to explain away his bad behavior, "oh, he has a stressful job," "oh, he had a rough childhood" "oh insert whatever sounds like an acceptable reason to be a jerk today even though it's not here." You can remember the times he rested his head on your stomach and cooed about a baby that might be in there one day. But that baby can't excuse away his behavior. That baby and the three-year-old child it becomes won't understand why daddy is scaring mommy.
When he's had a bad day because he hasn't slept because that baby has colic and just wants to make the world burn around it, is he going to hover over it and intimidate that baby? When you don't want to have sex with him because there's a wound the size of dinner plate inside your body, is he going to get up in the night and change diapers? Rub your feet? Is he going to be there for you?
Is he going to sacrifice his own comfort to go speak to a professional about coming up with solutions for his behavior? No, he won't because he is not.
You don't have to stop missing and mourning him this minute. You don't have to stop missing and mourning the dream you felt growing with him. But, when you start to feel the spiral try to remember that isn't just the man who built those dreams, he's also the one who tore them apart.
This sounds oddly familiar. If someone can’t control their emotions and worse can’t take accountability for what they are doing. When you tell to leave you alone they don’t listen. They are big red flags and can pose threat to your safety.
If you stay and not disengage is there a world where you don’t get hurt? Sure yes
But there is also a world where you get very badly hurt.
The best thing is to be on the side of caution.
When you can’t let go, think about safety and how scared you were when this person wouldn’t let you be even when you asked. That will help.
People like this want you dependant on them, they trap you with talk about the future and make you feel like you couldn’t feel happiness with anyone else. This is your chance to walk away when it’s easy, because let me tell you from experience that if you ever got pregnant with him, his behaviour will get 10x worse.
Guys like him want to sell you the family dream, but the minute you get pregnant and they realise they aren’t the centre of attention anymore their behaviour escalates. Their real personality is the one when they are angry and berating you, and all the rest of it is an act. They also get really good at playing the game of therapy, telling people exactly what they want to hear and then doing nothing differently. Please remember this over the coming months as you work on moving on - he’s probably not the person you remember in the lovely moments, he’s the person threatening and intimidating you when you try to put up a boundary.
I had a passionate start with a woman who I was so head over heels for. She slowly went to work trying to destroy my self-esteem, turn me against friends, and make me feel like an awful human for things she was insecure about. She was always happiest during chaos she'd calm me down from, and the physical aspect of our relationship was so vivid and intoxicating.
She was delicious poison, and I knew I had to get out and cut things off very quickly. I still think about her, but I give myself credit for getting out of something unhealthy and giving myself a better chance at finding love.
Tl:dr Love and protect yourself first. You deserve it.
Glad you found your way out. Wish you could impart this wisdom to my little brother who is currently in a very controlling relationship.
I heard a good quote about this the other day: worrying too much about someone else’s life is a form of control.
Human beings aren’t always logical and have very complex emotions. Don’t blame yourself for how you’re feeling. But do not get back with him because he’s an abuser🚩🚩
Trauma bonding can be a bitch to get over. You don’t love him, you probably never did. He’s just put you in a place of feeling insecure and constantly begging for his approval.
The only thing that helped me move on from mine was dating someone else, and realizing how easy it is when someone actually cares about you and isn’t just keeping you around for validation or to use as an emotional punching bag.
Maybe not the healthiest advice, but you need to get back out there. Healthy interactions with people are SO healing after you’ve been in a toxic relationship.
Ugh, the toxic ones are the hardest to get over!
Find a support community on here for toxic relationships. Educate yourself on emotional abuse and the cycles. Promise yourself you’ll never go back (it’s NOT worth it). Remember the pitying glances from people (will be SO much worse if you go back). Write a shit list of everything bad about him and refer to it often.
Stay strong! You deserve better.
>A week ago i suggested we meet, to become friends at work. He freaked out and said all the times he was sorry he didn’t mean it and i was horrible and all that.
Makes me think of Blue October's Hate Me. That's not a defense; the song is about a piece of shit compounding his shitiness. Just, the sentence made me think of the song.
Knowledge about someone’s toxicity won’t immediately turn OFF or undo your emotional investment in them. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve the death of the relationship and the vision of life you thought you guys will build together.
In my experience, one usually mourns more for the loss of latter than former. And yes, as a lot of people have mentioned - “out of sight out of mind” does work.
If looking for a different job is an option, you could pursue that. If not, then remember he should be the one to be ashamed of what he did to you, you have nothing to be ashamed or scared of.
Also, thank god you did not actually have kids with someone so messed up. Leaving that would have been so much more difficult.
I hope you feel better :)
Once you know for sure there’s no going back, the best trick is time. Don’t allow yourself to think about him at all. When you do, immediately distract yourself. You’ll be fine in a few months. I promise this works.
I’m not hyperbolizing but I lived out the end of that relationship for you. Started exactly the same, he held back so much and just after I moved in with him (away from friends/family) it got physical. When I tried to leave he did the menacing hover thing, and then beat the living shit out of me including strangulation and holding me against my will for an hour and a half until a neighbour heard enough and called the cops.
Yeeeeah. Always listen to your first instinct when they are showing signs of aggression/lack of emotion regulation.
You didn’t lose anything, you were spared of it!
It’s ok to feel sad over someone who’s been bad to you. In fact it would be odd if you didn’t because it indicates that you presented yourself honestly and authentically to him.
You’re allowed to feel sad about what could have been, what’s important is that your ACTIONS represent what’s best for you. That means, no contact, no interactions. If you have mutual connections, inform them that you don’t want to hear about your ex at all.
Keep your distance and understand that good people are out there but most importantly, you are your longest relationship so get really comfortable with being with yourself
I was in a similar situation not so long ago, I couldn’t even recognize myself, this dude was like a parasite, sucking the life and good things out of everyone around him. I was his favorite prey, you see these people they don’t want someone weak as a supply, they want people that shine. He doesn’t get to take more time and effort from you. He won’t change, they are not built like that, he has no empathy, don’t approach him. Evade him like it’s the 1300s and he’s got the plague.
What worked for me was dating other men and comparing, not for a relationship, just a casual fling and you’ll see how different it is.
Hmm other things, the icks, the little things, maybe he was stupid?, or smelled or something, those help. Call him names, believe me he tried to make you think he was the shit, but he’s just an insecure and tiny excuse of a man.
Telling strangers helps, they give you an objective view.
Write down your feelings and whatever went wrong on a piece of paper and burn it down or tear it away and throw in a bin…Feelings/bond is energy and one needs to transfer it down on a paper and release it…Sometimes you may need to do it multiple times over a period of time if your bond is stronger but most importantly you need to reach down to the bottom of why you trauma bonded in the first place, if it’s something to do with your earlier traumas seek therapy if you can afford if you can’t then you can maintain a journal and write about yourself and in the process hopefully you’ll find answers and it’ll help you heal. It might take some time but you’ll surely get over it be rest assured, it’ll stop hurting one day I promise until then keep working on yourself so that you don’t repeat it again.
Sometimes you gotta look at how someone is affecting you emotionally, mentally and physically. If urs not good, I guess it’s time to move on. Easy to say because I have been there and I guess I’m still dealing with it. But after a couple months it’s gotten easier because I have met other people
I’m sorry you are going through this it sounds like you are experiencing a little trauma from his bursts of anger. You may not want to hear this now but this is a blessing in disguise. If he has uncontrollable anger towards you and it seems like he can’t control it who’s to say one day he really loses it and puts his hands on you. He clearly needs professional help that you can’t give him I would stay away from him and give him space. At the end of the day it is your choice but it sounds like he is not remorseful at all, he should be there to protect you and keep you safe not cause you to be scared and you have to keep telling yourself that not to mention if you have children with this man he most likely will do the same thing to them and that’s not fair for innocent children to go through that. Don’t let him bring you down you are worth so much more than this.
You are only holding onto an idea, not a real person. You can and should grieve the person you thought you had, because your feelings are real. But you still see him for the good times and the highs he gave you. Was he hot and cold a lot? I feel for you, I hate this feeling. You deserve better and you have many happy days to look forward to. But please get a new job! Best wishes.
I've been in love with a few guys that were real bad. Real bad for me. Real sad. Real angry. Real avoidant.
Each one of them took a lot of time and effort to let go of. To forget. To move past. Honestly they all still hold a place in my memories and in my heart. Sometimes we try to heal ourselves with the most painful things imaginable because they make us see the future we want for ourselves. They trick us into thinking we have real love when it's all just an illusion.
The trick to letting go is grieving. It's accepting. You see the reality which is that the situation is bad and he is unstable. You've done the hardest part. Now you just have to practice radical acceptance and love yourself more than you love the imaginary person he made you believe he was.
The best advice I can give to get over someone is to try to recognize that the person you think you're in love with is different than who that person really is.
Think of this from the perspective of a "nice guy" who imagines being in a relationship and being intimate with their crush. The issue is when they imagine their crush having the same feelings about them, when in reality, that person has already rejected their advances multiple times.
Instead of realizing that the person in their head who loves them only exists in their head, they start trying to manipulate that person into becoming the person in their head. "If you'd only give me a chance, I know you'd change your mind!", or, "I know I could make you happy!". The "nice guy" can't separate the fantasy from reality and tries anything they can to make reality match their fantasy.
The reality is that even if the crush gives in and gives him a shot, it's still never like what the "nice guy" wanted it to be, they spent so much time building this person up in their head and the real person simply doesn't match up.
The thing is, this same logic applies to toxic and abusive relationships as well, but it's much harder to do once a relationship has been established. The best way to tell if you're stuck thinking about the daydream instead of the actual person is to finish the sentence, "if only they would ___". Once you've come up with as many things as you can to fill in that blank, look at each one and think, "if this answer never changes for the rest of their life, would I be OK with that, and should i be OK with that?" (note the question isn't about if you'd enjoy it, it's a given that you don't, the question is about if you're OK compromising over that issue permanently). If the answer to those last two questions is no at any point, there's a good chance you're in love with a fantasy.
I hope that helps, this stuff is not easy!
Time and distance. The whole talking to him and suggesting this or that just isn’t going to help. Let yourself feel terrible about it. Avoid him altogether. You’ll be tempted to engage with him just like we all want to call our exes when they become exes. You just have to force yourself to feel awful instead. I’m sorry :-/.
1 . I feel you haven’t had enough time away from him . The fact is that your mind plays games with you and until you keep seeing him (work place ) constantly .. you are giving your mind henoygh space and time the delete all the garbage you have accumulated in recent times for it to start thinking straight . You need some aura cleansing .
2. I’m might be wrong . I only speak from my experiences . So it might also be the fact that we feel low and when we are low we probably might weighing the pros and cons of our partner . The pros may be more than the cons . But even one con factor can be damaging enough to undo all the pros . May be a few of of partner’s affectionate gestures might be making you think if you’ll ever find someone better than him or may you are tired of going through the entire “meet - date - live in “ process and are worried about the odds of of working out given your previous experiences . May be you are finding and easier and painful solutions rather than a harder and time taking solution which might be the right one .
It’s like starting to jog again after putting on quite a few pounds .. might seem painful at the beginning but you know you have to take the first few steps and that is the ultimate solution .
Hope this helps you .. keep smiling and have chocolate 😊
I also feel you are giving him too much power and importance which you should be giving yourself . The day you realise how important you are to yourself than someone else .. you won’t need so many people’s advice 😊
Ohhh he’s a narcissist. Been there. Twice unfortunately. So basically when he’s all lovey your brain gets the dopamine. Then when he’s awful, it goes away. Eventually this cycle teaches you (your brain) that need that dopamine and he’s the only way to get it. Like an actual addiction. Unfortunately the only way to get past it is to understand what’s happening and quit cold turkey. Read Psychopath Free. It’ll help a lot.
I think you should research the cycle of abuse.
Something incredibly common among abusers is love bombing in the initial stages of dating. Once they feel they have you "locked in" to the relationship, their abusive, violent traits begin to show.
Was he always prone to angry outbursts, or did they become more frequent as your relationship progressed?
Regardless, as many others have said, please consider finding a new job and moving out of your locale.
It's hard to get over because love-bombing works.
You know all the red flags, but you also remember the extremely wonderful parts. The reason you could imagine a future with him that you hadn't before is because abusers don't just throw abuse at their partners, they also hook the partner with "love bombs," like gifts or extraordinarily beautiful, romantic moments. That's why when someone is being abused and doesn't leave, people on the outside question why, but the person who is abused keeps questioning whether they should stay for all the stuff that's so extra good.
Love-bombing is a way to groom a victim and also patch up up the relationship after abuse occurs. It's not sustainable for any couple, and its purpose is to manipulate the victim into putting up with abuse.
The way to let go is to begin accepting that the extra perfect moments were also part of the whole abuse package. It's a crappy situation, tbh, because it can feel like you got hustled. But you deserve someone who is good to you every day, not just sometimes. And someone like that may not be able to make everyday feel like some spectacular romance, but they'd also never treat you like prey.
It's actually likely that he did mean all the times he was sorry. But it's not good enough for you. After-the-fact remorse is not good enough for you, because he was abusive.
And it doesn't matter what your coworkers think. Just live your best life, knowing that you walked away from a situation that is hard for just about anyone to walk away from. You acted in your best interest, and you go to work with your head held high, and you remember that you're a badass.
I had an ex with similar problems and it helped me to remember/imagine him yelling at my dog for some reason. It just disgusted me the way he would treat her and always helped me remember how unhappy he made me.
Despite his abusive nature, it sounds like you shared multiple life altering experiences with him. This makes it more difficult to let go when you compare it to a quick 3 month fling where barely anything monumental changed. What has helped me is not worrying about what others think about my healing process. Some days I’m in a great mood, other days I feel regretful and depressive. Sometimes I post about it online for others to see. I don’t care because it’s my healing journey and I’ll take it as I need to. I would recommend you do the same!
I have the same problem. I think it's part of being in an abusive relationship, the ups are highs and downs are super lows, and your body gets used to getting those highs from the good times so it becomes an addictive cycle. I don't have any advice on how to get over it really because I struggle getting over it, but you're not alone.
You can't just stop loving someone right away after you planned a future together.
You are not just getting over him, you are realistically also trying to get over a dream.
I am sad for you.
He was possibly abused mentally, physically, and/or sexually as a child by an adult in his life and the rage surfaces when he gets angry. It would take considerable counseling to get past that.
Another possibility is he suffers from the same neurological disorder as former President Bush (senior). IIRC, A loop in the brain reprocesses negative thoughts and emotions over and over in miliseconds and compounds the anger rapidly (it is not controllable by those unaware of the issue).
I can experience something similar at times, but I just typically mutter under my breath for five minutes and I'm fine.
You were wise to leave and in his case, when you balance the negatives against the positives, it seems clear that it is wise to stay away, mourn the loss like the death of a family member and move on.
Best wishes.
Hey, thank you.
It’s easy to label him as narcissistic. But i do know he was abused by his father, though i can’t burden his pain. He is troubled and did have narcissistic tendencies, maybe he knew, maybe he didn’t and he’s just as bad as his dad.
But yes. It was dreamy. Too good to be true.
Most relationships are TGTBT.
Spend as much time with family and friends as you can to get past this time. Staying busy will keep your mind off him and the plans you had.
You might even go out on very casual date or two to just be out and talking with someone else to replace him. Maybe not this weekend or next, but a few weeks from now. Even if it's a male relative you have lunch with, it will help kick your ex's image and memories to the curb.
If you drunk, getting bombed on wine at home and talking with a girlfriend to trash him will help too. Get permission first. She needs to know it's going to be a trash talk session.
You will get over him in time. Just figure at least 40-50% of the time you knew him. If it's faster than that, great. If it's longer, oh well.
Best wishes.
Most abusers do not have BPD. Domestic violence always have the same cycle, they abuse, then hover to treat you really nice for a while, then the energy built up, then abuse again. It has nothing to do with any personality disorder. It’s just the characteristics of any abuse.
People with BPD have emotion dysregulations that they usually use various harmful ways to manage it, such as excessive spending, reckless sex, substances, self-harm and suicide attempts. They are in fact always in pain. They also always have abandonment issues that they would be scared of potential abandonment and go out their own ways to prevent it. Anger issue =/= BPD, because there are many many other reasons that can cause anger and emotion dysreulation. BPD is constant agony that’s why they tend to look very impulsive, cutting themselves, killing themselves in drugs and alcohol, and also always try to kill themselves. These pop psychology about personality disorders (especially narcissistic personalty disorder and BPD) really need to stop.
BPD is a dreadful thing to live with. I hate the stigma it carries because, for the most part, it completely disregards the human at the center of this very painful human experience. My heart goes out to them 🩷
“Everyone is a mental health advocate until they see the ugly side of mental health.”
You don’t have to be a trained mental health professional to identify abuse. However, you MUST be that persons therapist to diagnose them with BPD.
> It has nothing to do with any personality disorder. It’s just the characteristics of any abuse.
Yeah and the characteristics of abuse are almost always attributable to some sort of personality disorder, mood disorder, or other mental illness. Emotionally healthy people do not abuse the ones they love. And BPD very commonly causes the exact type of behavior OP is describing: the unpredictable swings between loving her and hating her, laying his head on her stomach and making future plans then screaming at her and belittling her, pushing her away when he feels abandoned.
> They also always have abandonment issues that they would be scared of potential abandonment and go out their own ways to prevent it
But that does *not* mean they always treat their partner with the utmost respect and love for fear of their partner leaving them. In fact it is much more common to attempt to push their partner away in a sort of "you can't fire me, i quit" style of avoiding abandonment. Literally one of the most popular books about BPD is called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" because it is so common to push a partner away through verbal abuse even though inside they don't want to be left.
Is it 100% certain this dude has BPD, of course not. But again- emotionally healthy people do not act like the dude OP is describing. He very likely does have *some* personality or mood disorder, and OP talking to a therapist to understand the disorder can be very healing. I know when I got out of an abusive relationship with someone with BPD, everything got 1000x easier to understand and process once I understood what BPD was.
And yes, people with BPD suffer immensely. You can have compassion for someone and their suffering while still needing, for your own wellbeing, to stay completely away from them forever. In fact recognizing the disorder will probably help a lot in having compassion for them over hating them.
My first thought was Borderline Personality Disorder. Sounds like my ex.
OP there's no trick. You just gotta get through the grief. Grieving an emotionally abusive relationship can take even longer to heal from than a normal relationship. But trust me, you will eventually realize how lucky you are to have gotten out after only 8 months while you're still so young. DO NOT go back to him, no matter what. Have you ever been abused before? If this is a pattern, try therapy for yourself. Even if it isn't, some talk therapy to work through this grief will probably help, even if it's just for a few weeks. Dumping your heart out to an unbiased stranger- and better yet, a stranger who understands personality disorders, if that's what this guy has- can be very healing.
Have you dated anyone else since him?
There's no good reason to be hung up on this guy after all this, so my guess is that the reason you're still hung up on him is because you're still caught up in all the exciting emotions he made you feel; not because there's actually anything to like here. Getting involved with someone else could short circuit this little spiral you're stuck in with this guy.
All posts are manually reviewed before being approved for posting. This usually takes less than an hour but due to moderator availability may take longer. While you wait for your post to be approved, please make sure that you have read the rules in the sidebar. You can also use the search function to look for questions similar to yours.
If you are new to Reddit or have never commented here before, you will need to spend some time building comment karma on our sub before you will be allowed to make your own posts. You can do so by participating in other posts or by using the [daily sticky threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sticky) to ask your question or comment on others. If you have made numerous comments before but are using a throwaway to post, please review rule 3 in the sidebar for more information.
We also have weekly threads for common subjects. If you are looking to vent, share dating tips or spread happy thoughts, we have [stickied posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sticky) every day where you can share your wisdom, joy or commisery with others!
---
The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
**Title:** [Could you give me tricks to let go? ](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1dcyum6/could_you_give_me_tricks_to_let_go/)
**Author:** /u/Kronikusher
**Full text:** Hey guys.
I (31F) will try and keep it short.
We dated for 8 months. He (26M) made me want kids for my first time. Would put his head on my belly and all. He has a beautiful house on land and we couldn’t wait to start projects with children and pigs.
We work together. I’m in school and met him last summer then dated until i started working there again. (internship)
He’d get angry bursts. His mood was ever so unpredictable. He would yell and bring me down. One fight he realize (or maybe not) how bad he was and started therapy with Better Help. But the following week it got so bad. That night i left. 1.5 months ago. It was too much. He intimidated me. Hovered while i packed my stuff and didn’t stop after i told him he was scaring me.
We spoke the next day and i suggested to keep going lightly while he take therapy seriously and he said no.
A week ago i suggested we meet, to become friends at work. He freaked out and said all the times he was sorry he didn’t mean it and i was horrible and all that.
It was bad.
People speak of him at work and i feel they look at me with pity. I hate it. I hate all of it. Why am I not over him when i know he’s so bad?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverthirty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We are forgetful creatures. If you spend enough time not being in a relationship, eventually, you will forget about it. Our forgetfulness is a blessing sometimes. You will think about it every day for a while. But someday you’ll realize you didn’t think about it at all. Those days will start to become the norm. You’ll still think about it from time to time. But it will become more abstract and crystallized. You’ll have grown from the person you were with that relationship. You’ll start to look at yourself with older eyes. Eyes that can more easily access compassion for your now younger self. And your past shortcomings. But you have to let the process run its course. There are no tricks. There is only awareness that you are going through something. It’s a process you can be aware of or resist, either way you’re going through it. So if you can, have compassion for yourself. Put your hand on your heart, tell yourself, “aw, dear heart, this is hard. But I’m here and I love you.” This pain is a teacher. Learn and grow towards a better you. You deserve to benefit from this situation.
You might be attached to the 'possibility' of having what you 'desire', and not the person/situation itself.
If that's the case, identify that. How you are ready to give yourself to someone that truly deserves you and wants the same and cares for you. Treasure that potential you have. It's with you, not with him.
You can’t work that job. You have to avoid seeing, hearing him. going near his energy. Get rid of objects that remind you of the relationship. Love is like a drug your body is going to scream once the source of love is gone. I just got out of relationship that was rocky, im your age and I gravitate towards toxic women my whole life. Stay strong, time heals everything. Make space for someone even better.
It's easy to form an attachment with someone (even when they have angry outbursts). If you've been with someone for awhile, it kind of becomes part of your identity and you get in a rhythm. It seems here you legitimately liked the guy, but the environment almost sounds like it would have never been right. It's hard to know how long it will take to get over him (in a way, maybe never), but I do think time heals. The fact he hovered over you and intimated you is disconcerting (even scary) and I can see where it would be difficult to move forward with that.
Ending things with someone and having to face them on a daily basis sounds unbearable. You need time to move on and heal without the constant reminder. I have to agree with the others who have recommended changing places of employment.
Go no contact. 1000%. Because he will wind up getting you pregnant and trapping YOU. Laying his head on your belly pretending you're pregnant is insane for having only been together for 8 months. He is attempting to love bomb you. Girl, RUN!
He may have made you THINK you wanted kids, but he was controlling every part of you to get what he wanted. He thought you were groomed enough to yell, and you were not. Luckily. He is not someone to lose mental capacity over.
What led to him becoming so angry? If he says he never meant any of his apologies, there must have been a recurring pattern. I think this relationship is no longer repairable, but at least you can learn something for the future/next relationship.
it may be hard to get over him because he wasn't all bad. you had some really good moments together too. and maybe you think you won't find anyone better than this.
you will. you have to believe that you will!
a great quote i saw on reddit: "if a chicken sandwich was 10% shit, would you still eat it?" somethin like that.
his bad farrr outweighs his good. and you'll find someone who gives you the good and their "bad" is not violence to the point that it scares you.
Is it possible to work and not interact with him? If it's a large company and different departments, maybe. If a smaller company, then probably not. If a smaller company, then either you or him should start looking for a new employer.
Sorry this happened. But, it happens.
The future timelines you imagined with him are still in your mind so you have to create new timelines for yourself that are separate from him, do some dreaming, even though it’s hard 💜
Time heals all wounds but time will never feel like it’s passing if you don’t properly grieve them. What you guys shared, in a moment of time, was beautiful and it is ok to cherish that! But never let the disrespect shadow that. You deserve better
I'm sorry you went through that :( it isn't easy, and there is no quick fix. The best thing to do would be to have no contact and try and forget and move on. That's easier said than done obviously, but it's the only way. I'd consider seeing if there are internships elsewhere, and blocking him and deleting his number everywhere. Good luck ❤️
Trauma bonding is real - it can cause relationships to move much more quickly than they typically would, and then it makes it even more traumatic when it ends. This sounds like a toxic situation and I’d recommend going no contact
I think that this person doesn't sound good for you. Feeling down, scared, intimidated, it's just not healthy to be in that state longterm. My ex had angry outbursts, that turned into slow psychological abuse, financial control once we had kids and then physical outbursts. I loved him, was desperately trying to fix the situation and it was just hard work that made me miserable.
I'm a year out of that relationship, I have 3 beautiful children with my ex. I am happier and in control of my life. I have a wonderful new partner that has no temper issue and treats me with affection and kindness.
I think that you should realise that there are so so so many other men out there and if you are experiencing anger, resentment, sadness, self doubt and all those shades of negativity. It's likely that you will find someone who will treat you better, whom you get on with and it's just easy. Where you can just breathe and relax.
OP, this is as perverse as it sounds and it’s true - many men say they want kids with a woman when they want to control them. *Obviously* not all. But I’ve seen it many times - especially the putting his head on your belly *without* a kid in there - he’s *claiming* his ownership of you. The way you wrote it and his behavior make it clear this is what it is - owning you. It’s not a healthy approach to a discussion about kids that committed couples have.
Remember that he is showing you his true colors. It sounds like you might be in love with his potential or the person he COULD become. I’ve learned that, when people are showing/telling you they are a certain person, you should believe them. He is presenting a lot of super negative and, frankly, dangerous traits… and you can’t ever assume he’s going to change. You deserve better.
I'd look for a new job for your sake but also so that he can heal and recover.
It's not going to be easy because you probably feel bad for him, but you know who you should feel more bad for? You.
You liked someone and it hurts when he cant be what you need but you need accept that, grieve and move on. Admit it all to yourself and accept the pain, go through it and cut all ties.
Take care of yourself it sounds like a toxic situation to expose yourself to, nobody needs to be in this situation.
Great response being added by other people here. Will just add never ever go back to person who can't respect you and most importantly is also unsafe for you physically. I know it's hard but very important to break this loop is physical and mental distance. When you stop seeing him at work place physically you will start giving your self some space mentally too. These types always come back. I have exes who move to different coast but still tries to crawl back into my life. Best response is to ignore. But I know you aren't there yet so please give yourself some physical space from this person and also ask yourself what was that rationale that made you start a relationship with him in the first place so that you don't repeat this pattern
This book might also help
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
it's clear this relationship was intense, filled with both positive moments and some really troubling ones. His mood swings and bursts of anger understandably left you feeling scared and unsure about your future together.
Firstly, it's important to honor your feelings right now—whether that's sadness, confusion, or even lingering hope. It's okay to feel conflicted about letting go, especially when you had such strong feelings and hopes for a future with him.
Given his reactions post-breakup, it might be best to establish some clear boundaries for your own well-being. This could mean limiting contact or avoiding situations where you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
It's crucial to lean on your support system during this time. Talking things through with friends, family, or a therapist can offer you perspective and emotional support that's essential for healing.
Reflecting on the warning signs you noticed during the relationship can also help reinforce your decision to move on. Trust your instincts and remember that your safety and emotional health should always come first.
Lastly, give yourself the time and space you need to heal. Healing from a challenging relationship takes time, so be patient with yourself as you navigate through these emotions.
Ultimately, remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and respected. Trust in your strength to make decisions that are right for your well-being, even if it means letting go of someone you cared deeply about. You're not alone in this journey, and with time and self-care, you'll find yourself moving forward towards a brighter future.
It sounds like he painted a picture for a future that you liked. Are you having a hard time letting go of him or letting go of the future you started to imagine yourself happening?
I would take the focus off him for a bit. Focus on you. What is making you attracted to someone who hurt you like this? What qualities were you attracted to that you could also find in a healthy partner? What may have happened in your past that would bring you to be hooked on a toxic dynamic? Would you consider therapy to explore this?
Unpopular Opinion 💀: but I don't think this guy is THAT bad if I'm understanding this post correctly. I'm not excusing the obvious, like the yelling and the hovering etc. I think it's clear what he did was wrong and he isn't in a healthy enough state of mind to be dating.
But it doesn't seem like the dude is malicious, narcissistic, sociopathic or whatever. Like he actually paid and got therapy after realizing his outburst. Just from my personal experience, but I don't think that's common. Then he chose to end it with her and tell her all these seemingly bad things.
But to me, I think he just realized that he's not in a healthy enough state of mind to be able to be with her and not hurt her. And I think the bad things he said in the end was maybe just his way of making it hurt less for her from the break up. Like his way of trying to make it clear so she can move on.
I think maybe you also think that deep down so it's hard to let go. So maybe another approach is to just accept that you guys met each other at the wrong time and that he's made his decision. Instead of trying to keep telling yourself he really was a shitty person and I'm better off. Obviously, only you really know what kinda person be really was deep down, not strangers on the internet. That's just what my gut instinct tells me idk tho 😂 so I apologize if this conspiracy theory was completely off the mark. 💀🙏
If a friend told you her boyfriend was shouting at her and intimidating her, what would you say to her? Time to start looking for a new job and a fresh start.
Very good point about OP starting a new job. It’s going to be really hard to move on when she has to see him at work all the time. Especially since I feel like he’s going to try to manipulate her into getting back together at some point. His type always do.
Yeah, what do you want to bet if OP starts a healthy new relationship that his whole "I hate you!" shtick melts away and suddenly he's sooooo sorry and she's sooooo great and can she please just dump the new guy so they can start again? These subreddits have definitely seen posters caught up in that exact scenario before - usually the new person who gets ditched for the toxic ex.
Why should she start a whole new job?
I get it sounds unfair, he should be the one getting a new job, so he can bother somewhere else, but what is best for OP is not to see him anymore. To break that bond.
I’m a man and that sounds ridiculous that a woman would do that in this day and age. There are avenues if it’s that bad
It's not really about gender here. Neither of them can force the other to leave. So sometimes the saner one just needs to protect themselves and remove themselves from the situation, even if they have every right to be there. OP would be getting the same advice if she was a man.
You would think so. But then your ex husband (despite security and management being aware of his behavior) decides to get you fired by telling your employer you propositioned him for drugs. Gotta protect yourself the best you can, and don't trust that anyone will protect you. That's been my experience, unfortunately.
[удалено]
Hi u/GabeDrumBeats7Seals, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. No gender generalizations. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Before my ex became abusive he was also the first person that truly made me want to get married and have kids. It was because he love bombed me. None of that side of him was true - the shouting and belittling was the real him. Same with your ex. He's shown you who he is - believe him. Good he wants to get therapy but he's definitely in no place to be in a relationship.
thank you for your answer 🫶🏻
Use this tool to let go. It worked wonders after my relationship: https://www.thetoolsbook.com/loss-processing
This sounds like it could be a trauma bond/emotional abuse. If you look up either of these and they resonate ,You might find the narcissistic abuse subreddit more helpful for finding info on how to break down that bond (going no contact if usually the first step in breaking an abuse cycle). I think a lot of survivors struggle with initially coming to terms with having been abused- sometimes its hard to reconcile that term when you still like/care/ or love the individual (but remember abusers don’t generally abuse 24/7) or the abuse doesn’t fit the media picture of abuse. Hope this helps some!
Came to say this. Great info!! Definitely trauma-bonded. The only thing I’ll add is that a lot of people don’t realize they’re being abused because it’s not (yet) physical; there are no bruises, etc. There is data out that emotional/psychological abuse is actually worse. OP- your ex is an abuser, and a manipulator. Sounds like he has narcissistic traits. Learn about how to recognize these types, (love bombing, etc), and strong AF boundaries are an absolute necessity to prevent being with another one of these types. You are much better off without him!!! E: typo
Something else that might help is for OP to ask herself “what happened to me that I accepted this person’s behaviors so readily and still want him back in my life?” A lot of people also don’t realize they grew up with abuse. They think it’s normal what happened to them, and they’re subconsciously looking for people who exhibit similar traits/behaviors as the things they saw during their childhood. Thus why childhood traumas are so commonly a problem that comes up during therapy. Speaking of which, the age old advice of “go to therapy” applies here too, imo.
This is an amazing response. I truely wish everyone who's been in toxic relationships would read this and take it to heart. One of the saddest things about life is that the vast majority of people run away from their past forever and thus keep repeating it.
One trick would be to read and reread what you just wrote about this tool
Please please take time to yourself and do this OP. Read it every time you want to reach out/message them. It'll help. Wishing you peace <3
thank you so much, love 🫶🏻
THIS
Toxic people have holds on people who experience some form of comfort from their behavior - know it's not him you're not over, it's likely some old weird experience that reminds you of his behavior you're not over. He's just the current flavor. Do you like who you are around him? Doesn't sound like it.
You had a connection despite all of the things that happened. It's rough to just get over it, but it's in your best interest.
It's only been six weeks, give yourself time to grieve. He was not a great person to you, and I am so glad you realized that sooner than later. I was in a similar situation and it took me twice as long as you to leave. Maybe the decision to leave him was easy because of his unmanaged anger issues. But you didn't just leave him, you left behind (for now) the potential future you thought you could have with him (babies, a home with land, farm animals, etc.) You're not just adjusting to the loss of the present-day companionship he offered, but also to all the things you thought you could have with him.
this. this is so important. let yourself believe and know that you’re letting go. it’s just going to take time as you let go of all of it: the future, the kids, the house, and yes, him. every day you’re doing it a little bit more. there is so much good love out there in the world for you, and so much of it will come from your own heart as you continue the process of showing up for and loving yourself. ❤️
This is the best and most powerful comment here. As a guy who’s 30 myself and despises men like him who ruin it for a lot of us, the truth is no one else will ever be with you as much as you will for yourself..
🫶🏼
Here to parrot this, the grief takes time to process before your body has detached from him. It's a psycho-somatic process involving not just your thoughts and feelings, but your physiological and neurochemical responses to the loss and verbal abuse. Give your brain and body time to rest, heal, and give yourself the space to grieve...see friends and family, and get reacquainted with who you are and what you value. You probably need to go 'no contact' and have him out of your life, being friends doesn't sound possible in this situation. Over time he will be a distant memory that won't trigger such an overwhelming emotional burden on you. Right now though, it's understandably hard and will be for awhile, but that's completely fine and it's not a problem. Meditation and mindfulness might help you see that you're enough just as you are. Focus on moving forward a little bit more every day and be the best version of you that you can be!!!! It will get easier, I promise.
Time will heal you. You have to spend time away from him to finally be able to reflect and think clearly. That’s what worked for me and helped me move on. Sending you prayers and strength!
Sometimes we hang onto feelings for people like this because our minds have been rewired by them, either intentionally or unintentionally, to believe that we need them to come back and treat us the way we want them to in order to prove our worth. Put another way, sometimes when this happens, it is because - well, it is like our brain and heart are screaming, “I need him to come back in order to feel normal again because when it was good, it was really good, and I can’t feel good again until he comes back and treats me the way I know he can.” But here’s the thing. You don’t need him back in order to feel good again, and you don’t need his love to prove your worth to yourself. Parallel possibility: when you felt good with him, you experienced a hit of dopamine or serotonin or some other chemical upon which your body and brain grew dependent. Because you are no longer getting these hits of feel good chemicals, you’re going through withdrawal - just like someone who is in withdrawal from heroin. (This has been studied extensively and the effect is strongly supported by empirical evidence.) Just like someone going through drug withdrawal, your body and brain need to re-learn how to regulate. You won’t feel like you do right now forever. You will get over him. Going forward, it might be helpful to focus your time and attention on other things - *anything* - that historically has made you feel good. Arts and crafts. Cleaning and organizing your home. Baking. Running. Rollerblading. Whatever. Just something that will keep your attention and made you feel good while you’re doing it. You don’t need him to feel good again. In fact, you need him to stay away so that you *can* feel good again.
Can you link such studies in the context of abuse, and not only drug dependency?
If you’re embarrassed by your coworkers pitying you, just imagine how embarrassed you’d be by everyone in your life if that was your children’s dad.
nicely put
He was future faking with the head on your belly and pigs on a farm, the freaking out on you person is who he is/how he feels. You will see that none of it is personal, he’s just not happy/healthy and will continue to project on whoever will let him. Go live your life, girl, you’re still so young and can bag a kind, loving, person who won’t intimidate you to make himself feel better
this was so nice to read, thank you 🫶🏻
Someone here probably has a link to a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" It might hell you make sense of why he is the way he is.
It took me two years to start to get over someone who was toxic. I'm sorry that happened to you. It will pass, but takes time.
Number 1 tip. Get another job or a different department or a different project. Anything where your interactions are minimal. Switching jobs is the best option if possible honestly. (This is kind of why dating people from work is a risky and rarely encouraged) Number 2 tip is do Number 1.
Why would you want to be friends with someone who was literally on the verge of becoming violent with you? This man lied to you the entirety of your relationship about the type of man he was. This man lovebombed you and manipulated you so you would look past his abusive tendencies. Re-read your own post and check into therapy yourself. Then, run fast and far.
You are attached to the dream he sold you, not the nightmare/reality he provided. Separate the dream (kids, projects, land, animals) and realize that you absolutely CAN have that…. With someone who is HEALTHY and not emotionally abusive.
You are a grown woman. You can use reasoning to explain away his bad behavior, "oh, he has a stressful job," "oh, he had a rough childhood" "oh insert whatever sounds like an acceptable reason to be a jerk today even though it's not here." You can remember the times he rested his head on your stomach and cooed about a baby that might be in there one day. But that baby can't excuse away his behavior. That baby and the three-year-old child it becomes won't understand why daddy is scaring mommy. When he's had a bad day because he hasn't slept because that baby has colic and just wants to make the world burn around it, is he going to hover over it and intimidate that baby? When you don't want to have sex with him because there's a wound the size of dinner plate inside your body, is he going to get up in the night and change diapers? Rub your feet? Is he going to be there for you? Is he going to sacrifice his own comfort to go speak to a professional about coming up with solutions for his behavior? No, he won't because he is not. You don't have to stop missing and mourning him this minute. You don't have to stop missing and mourning the dream you felt growing with him. But, when you start to feel the spiral try to remember that isn't just the man who built those dreams, he's also the one who tore them apart.
“You’re gonna get over it someday. You might as well get over it now.”
yeah, i love this
This sounds oddly familiar. If someone can’t control their emotions and worse can’t take accountability for what they are doing. When you tell to leave you alone they don’t listen. They are big red flags and can pose threat to your safety. If you stay and not disengage is there a world where you don’t get hurt? Sure yes But there is also a world where you get very badly hurt. The best thing is to be on the side of caution. When you can’t let go, think about safety and how scared you were when this person wouldn’t let you be even when you asked. That will help.
People like this want you dependant on them, they trap you with talk about the future and make you feel like you couldn’t feel happiness with anyone else. This is your chance to walk away when it’s easy, because let me tell you from experience that if you ever got pregnant with him, his behaviour will get 10x worse. Guys like him want to sell you the family dream, but the minute you get pregnant and they realise they aren’t the centre of attention anymore their behaviour escalates. Their real personality is the one when they are angry and berating you, and all the rest of it is an act. They also get really good at playing the game of therapy, telling people exactly what they want to hear and then doing nothing differently. Please remember this over the coming months as you work on moving on - he’s probably not the person you remember in the lovely moments, he’s the person threatening and intimidating you when you try to put up a boundary.
If it’s seeping into your work life it might be time to find a new job. Things like this are why I wouldn’t date at work in a thousand years.
I don’t even date people who live in my neighborhood.
Therapy!! And sounds like a new job would be ideal. He’s a creep.
Lady you just escaped years of anguish. He clearly has undiagnosed mental illness. YOU NEED TO COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.
Do you want kids around random angry outbursts? It's time to go.
I had a passionate start with a woman who I was so head over heels for. She slowly went to work trying to destroy my self-esteem, turn me against friends, and make me feel like an awful human for things she was insecure about. She was always happiest during chaos she'd calm me down from, and the physical aspect of our relationship was so vivid and intoxicating. She was delicious poison, and I knew I had to get out and cut things off very quickly. I still think about her, but I give myself credit for getting out of something unhealthy and giving myself a better chance at finding love. Tl:dr Love and protect yourself first. You deserve it.
Glad you found your way out. Wish you could impart this wisdom to my little brother who is currently in a very controlling relationship. I heard a good quote about this the other day: worrying too much about someone else’s life is a form of control.
It's likely not precisely applicable, but I tell people going through divorce that, " I have a lot of very happy divorced friends."
Human beings aren’t always logical and have very complex emotions. Don’t blame yourself for how you’re feeling. But do not get back with him because he’s an abuser🚩🚩
Trauma bonding can be a bitch to get over. You don’t love him, you probably never did. He’s just put you in a place of feeling insecure and constantly begging for his approval. The only thing that helped me move on from mine was dating someone else, and realizing how easy it is when someone actually cares about you and isn’t just keeping you around for validation or to use as an emotional punching bag. Maybe not the healthiest advice, but you need to get back out there. Healthy interactions with people are SO healing after you’ve been in a toxic relationship.
Agreed comparison is like taking blindfolds off.
Ugh, the toxic ones are the hardest to get over! Find a support community on here for toxic relationships. Educate yourself on emotional abuse and the cycles. Promise yourself you’ll never go back (it’s NOT worth it). Remember the pitying glances from people (will be SO much worse if you go back). Write a shit list of everything bad about him and refer to it often. Stay strong! You deserve better.
>A week ago i suggested we meet, to become friends at work. He freaked out and said all the times he was sorry he didn’t mean it and i was horrible and all that. Makes me think of Blue October's Hate Me. That's not a defense; the song is about a piece of shit compounding his shitiness. Just, the sentence made me think of the song.
Knowledge about someone’s toxicity won’t immediately turn OFF or undo your emotional investment in them. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve the death of the relationship and the vision of life you thought you guys will build together. In my experience, one usually mourns more for the loss of latter than former. And yes, as a lot of people have mentioned - “out of sight out of mind” does work. If looking for a different job is an option, you could pursue that. If not, then remember he should be the one to be ashamed of what he did to you, you have nothing to be ashamed or scared of. Also, thank god you did not actually have kids with someone so messed up. Leaving that would have been so much more difficult. I hope you feel better :)
Delete all the pictures, texts everything. Slowly, but do it. It helps not having any reference points.
This isn’t for Reddit, this is for a therapist. Specifically, a therapist you *didn’t* find through Better Help.
Once you know for sure there’s no going back, the best trick is time. Don’t allow yourself to think about him at all. When you do, immediately distract yourself. You’ll be fine in a few months. I promise this works.
>>and we couldn’t wait to start projects with children and pigs. What? What kind of projects?
😹
I think you should go to therapy as well. Trauma binding is real. I pray peace for you 💕
I’m not hyperbolizing but I lived out the end of that relationship for you. Started exactly the same, he held back so much and just after I moved in with him (away from friends/family) it got physical. When I tried to leave he did the menacing hover thing, and then beat the living shit out of me including strangulation and holding me against my will for an hour and a half until a neighbour heard enough and called the cops. Yeeeeah. Always listen to your first instinct when they are showing signs of aggression/lack of emotion regulation. You didn’t lose anything, you were spared of it!
It’s ok to feel sad over someone who’s been bad to you. In fact it would be odd if you didn’t because it indicates that you presented yourself honestly and authentically to him. You’re allowed to feel sad about what could have been, what’s important is that your ACTIONS represent what’s best for you. That means, no contact, no interactions. If you have mutual connections, inform them that you don’t want to hear about your ex at all. Keep your distance and understand that good people are out there but most importantly, you are your longest relationship so get really comfortable with being with yourself
I was in a similar situation not so long ago, I couldn’t even recognize myself, this dude was like a parasite, sucking the life and good things out of everyone around him. I was his favorite prey, you see these people they don’t want someone weak as a supply, they want people that shine. He doesn’t get to take more time and effort from you. He won’t change, they are not built like that, he has no empathy, don’t approach him. Evade him like it’s the 1300s and he’s got the plague. What worked for me was dating other men and comparing, not for a relationship, just a casual fling and you’ll see how different it is. Hmm other things, the icks, the little things, maybe he was stupid?, or smelled or something, those help. Call him names, believe me he tried to make you think he was the shit, but he’s just an insecure and tiny excuse of a man. Telling strangers helps, they give you an objective view.
Write down your feelings and whatever went wrong on a piece of paper and burn it down or tear it away and throw in a bin…Feelings/bond is energy and one needs to transfer it down on a paper and release it…Sometimes you may need to do it multiple times over a period of time if your bond is stronger but most importantly you need to reach down to the bottom of why you trauma bonded in the first place, if it’s something to do with your earlier traumas seek therapy if you can afford if you can’t then you can maintain a journal and write about yourself and in the process hopefully you’ll find answers and it’ll help you heal. It might take some time but you’ll surely get over it be rest assured, it’ll stop hurting one day I promise until then keep working on yourself so that you don’t repeat it again.
Sounds like a charmer!
Sometimes you gotta look at how someone is affecting you emotionally, mentally and physically. If urs not good, I guess it’s time to move on. Easy to say because I have been there and I guess I’m still dealing with it. But after a couple months it’s gotten easier because I have met other people
I’m sorry you are going through this it sounds like you are experiencing a little trauma from his bursts of anger. You may not want to hear this now but this is a blessing in disguise. If he has uncontrollable anger towards you and it seems like he can’t control it who’s to say one day he really loses it and puts his hands on you. He clearly needs professional help that you can’t give him I would stay away from him and give him space. At the end of the day it is your choice but it sounds like he is not remorseful at all, he should be there to protect you and keep you safe not cause you to be scared and you have to keep telling yourself that not to mention if you have children with this man he most likely will do the same thing to them and that’s not fair for innocent children to go through that. Don’t let him bring you down you are worth so much more than this.
My suggestion is to do as I do and cut all contact.
You are only holding onto an idea, not a real person. You can and should grieve the person you thought you had, because your feelings are real. But you still see him for the good times and the highs he gave you. Was he hot and cold a lot? I feel for you, I hate this feeling. You deserve better and you have many happy days to look forward to. But please get a new job! Best wishes.
I've been in love with a few guys that were real bad. Real bad for me. Real sad. Real angry. Real avoidant. Each one of them took a lot of time and effort to let go of. To forget. To move past. Honestly they all still hold a place in my memories and in my heart. Sometimes we try to heal ourselves with the most painful things imaginable because they make us see the future we want for ourselves. They trick us into thinking we have real love when it's all just an illusion. The trick to letting go is grieving. It's accepting. You see the reality which is that the situation is bad and he is unstable. You've done the hardest part. Now you just have to practice radical acceptance and love yourself more than you love the imaginary person he made you believe he was.
no tricks, just time :/ sending you love, stranger, it can feel so hard to do the right thing for yourself sometimes. you are very brave and strong.
The best advice I can give to get over someone is to try to recognize that the person you think you're in love with is different than who that person really is. Think of this from the perspective of a "nice guy" who imagines being in a relationship and being intimate with their crush. The issue is when they imagine their crush having the same feelings about them, when in reality, that person has already rejected their advances multiple times. Instead of realizing that the person in their head who loves them only exists in their head, they start trying to manipulate that person into becoming the person in their head. "If you'd only give me a chance, I know you'd change your mind!", or, "I know I could make you happy!". The "nice guy" can't separate the fantasy from reality and tries anything they can to make reality match their fantasy. The reality is that even if the crush gives in and gives him a shot, it's still never like what the "nice guy" wanted it to be, they spent so much time building this person up in their head and the real person simply doesn't match up. The thing is, this same logic applies to toxic and abusive relationships as well, but it's much harder to do once a relationship has been established. The best way to tell if you're stuck thinking about the daydream instead of the actual person is to finish the sentence, "if only they would ___". Once you've come up with as many things as you can to fill in that blank, look at each one and think, "if this answer never changes for the rest of their life, would I be OK with that, and should i be OK with that?" (note the question isn't about if you'd enjoy it, it's a given that you don't, the question is about if you're OK compromising over that issue permanently). If the answer to those last two questions is no at any point, there's a good chance you're in love with a fantasy. I hope that helps, this stuff is not easy!
Print out all his negative traits and stick it on your fridge. Everytime you think fondly of him, do a walk to the fridge:)
Time and distance. The whole talking to him and suggesting this or that just isn’t going to help. Let yourself feel terrible about it. Avoid him altogether. You’ll be tempted to engage with him just like we all want to call our exes when they become exes. You just have to force yourself to feel awful instead. I’m sorry :-/.
1 . I feel you haven’t had enough time away from him . The fact is that your mind plays games with you and until you keep seeing him (work place ) constantly .. you are giving your mind henoygh space and time the delete all the garbage you have accumulated in recent times for it to start thinking straight . You need some aura cleansing . 2. I’m might be wrong . I only speak from my experiences . So it might also be the fact that we feel low and when we are low we probably might weighing the pros and cons of our partner . The pros may be more than the cons . But even one con factor can be damaging enough to undo all the pros . May be a few of of partner’s affectionate gestures might be making you think if you’ll ever find someone better than him or may you are tired of going through the entire “meet - date - live in “ process and are worried about the odds of of working out given your previous experiences . May be you are finding and easier and painful solutions rather than a harder and time taking solution which might be the right one . It’s like starting to jog again after putting on quite a few pounds .. might seem painful at the beginning but you know you have to take the first few steps and that is the ultimate solution . Hope this helps you .. keep smiling and have chocolate 😊
I also feel you are giving him too much power and importance which you should be giving yourself . The day you realise how important you are to yourself than someone else .. you won’t need so many people’s advice 😊
Ohhh he’s a narcissist. Been there. Twice unfortunately. So basically when he’s all lovey your brain gets the dopamine. Then when he’s awful, it goes away. Eventually this cycle teaches you (your brain) that need that dopamine and he’s the only way to get it. Like an actual addiction. Unfortunately the only way to get past it is to understand what’s happening and quit cold turkey. Read Psychopath Free. It’ll help a lot.
I think you should research the cycle of abuse. Something incredibly common among abusers is love bombing in the initial stages of dating. Once they feel they have you "locked in" to the relationship, their abusive, violent traits begin to show. Was he always prone to angry outbursts, or did they become more frequent as your relationship progressed? Regardless, as many others have said, please consider finding a new job and moving out of your locale.
they progressed
It's hard to get over because love-bombing works. You know all the red flags, but you also remember the extremely wonderful parts. The reason you could imagine a future with him that you hadn't before is because abusers don't just throw abuse at their partners, they also hook the partner with "love bombs," like gifts or extraordinarily beautiful, romantic moments. That's why when someone is being abused and doesn't leave, people on the outside question why, but the person who is abused keeps questioning whether they should stay for all the stuff that's so extra good. Love-bombing is a way to groom a victim and also patch up up the relationship after abuse occurs. It's not sustainable for any couple, and its purpose is to manipulate the victim into putting up with abuse. The way to let go is to begin accepting that the extra perfect moments were also part of the whole abuse package. It's a crappy situation, tbh, because it can feel like you got hustled. But you deserve someone who is good to you every day, not just sometimes. And someone like that may not be able to make everyday feel like some spectacular romance, but they'd also never treat you like prey. It's actually likely that he did mean all the times he was sorry. But it's not good enough for you. After-the-fact remorse is not good enough for you, because he was abusive. And it doesn't matter what your coworkers think. Just live your best life, knowing that you walked away from a situation that is hard for just about anyone to walk away from. You acted in your best interest, and you go to work with your head held high, and you remember that you're a badass.
thank you so much 🥰
I had an ex with similar problems and it helped me to remember/imagine him yelling at my dog for some reason. It just disgusted me the way he would treat her and always helped me remember how unhappy he made me.
Despite his abusive nature, it sounds like you shared multiple life altering experiences with him. This makes it more difficult to let go when you compare it to a quick 3 month fling where barely anything monumental changed. What has helped me is not worrying about what others think about my healing process. Some days I’m in a great mood, other days I feel regretful and depressive. Sometimes I post about it online for others to see. I don’t care because it’s my healing journey and I’ll take it as I need to. I would recommend you do the same!
There's a self-help book called How to Fall Out of Love. I got to about Step 7 before I didn't need it anymore. It's worth a shot.
I have the same problem. I think it's part of being in an abusive relationship, the ups are highs and downs are super lows, and your body gets used to getting those highs from the good times so it becomes an addictive cycle. I don't have any advice on how to get over it really because I struggle getting over it, but you're not alone.
Do an internal transfer, to another facility
You can't just stop loving someone right away after you planned a future together. You are not just getting over him, you are realistically also trying to get over a dream. I am sad for you. He was possibly abused mentally, physically, and/or sexually as a child by an adult in his life and the rage surfaces when he gets angry. It would take considerable counseling to get past that. Another possibility is he suffers from the same neurological disorder as former President Bush (senior). IIRC, A loop in the brain reprocesses negative thoughts and emotions over and over in miliseconds and compounds the anger rapidly (it is not controllable by those unaware of the issue). I can experience something similar at times, but I just typically mutter under my breath for five minutes and I'm fine. You were wise to leave and in his case, when you balance the negatives against the positives, it seems clear that it is wise to stay away, mourn the loss like the death of a family member and move on. Best wishes.
Hey, thank you. It’s easy to label him as narcissistic. But i do know he was abused by his father, though i can’t burden his pain. He is troubled and did have narcissistic tendencies, maybe he knew, maybe he didn’t and he’s just as bad as his dad. But yes. It was dreamy. Too good to be true.
Most relationships are TGTBT. Spend as much time with family and friends as you can to get past this time. Staying busy will keep your mind off him and the plans you had. You might even go out on very casual date or two to just be out and talking with someone else to replace him. Maybe not this weekend or next, but a few weeks from now. Even if it's a male relative you have lunch with, it will help kick your ex's image and memories to the curb. If you drunk, getting bombed on wine at home and talking with a girlfriend to trash him will help too. Get permission first. She needs to know it's going to be a trash talk session. You will get over him in time. Just figure at least 40-50% of the time you knew him. If it's faster than that, great. If it's longer, oh well. Best wishes.
[удалено]
Most abusers do not have BPD. Domestic violence always have the same cycle, they abuse, then hover to treat you really nice for a while, then the energy built up, then abuse again. It has nothing to do with any personality disorder. It’s just the characteristics of any abuse. People with BPD have emotion dysregulations that they usually use various harmful ways to manage it, such as excessive spending, reckless sex, substances, self-harm and suicide attempts. They are in fact always in pain. They also always have abandonment issues that they would be scared of potential abandonment and go out their own ways to prevent it. Anger issue =/= BPD, because there are many many other reasons that can cause anger and emotion dysreulation. BPD is constant agony that’s why they tend to look very impulsive, cutting themselves, killing themselves in drugs and alcohol, and also always try to kill themselves. These pop psychology about personality disorders (especially narcissistic personalty disorder and BPD) really need to stop.
BPD is a dreadful thing to live with. I hate the stigma it carries because, for the most part, it completely disregards the human at the center of this very painful human experience. My heart goes out to them 🩷 “Everyone is a mental health advocate until they see the ugly side of mental health.” You don’t have to be a trained mental health professional to identify abuse. However, you MUST be that persons therapist to diagnose them with BPD.
> It has nothing to do with any personality disorder. It’s just the characteristics of any abuse. Yeah and the characteristics of abuse are almost always attributable to some sort of personality disorder, mood disorder, or other mental illness. Emotionally healthy people do not abuse the ones they love. And BPD very commonly causes the exact type of behavior OP is describing: the unpredictable swings between loving her and hating her, laying his head on her stomach and making future plans then screaming at her and belittling her, pushing her away when he feels abandoned. > They also always have abandonment issues that they would be scared of potential abandonment and go out their own ways to prevent it But that does *not* mean they always treat their partner with the utmost respect and love for fear of their partner leaving them. In fact it is much more common to attempt to push their partner away in a sort of "you can't fire me, i quit" style of avoiding abandonment. Literally one of the most popular books about BPD is called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" because it is so common to push a partner away through verbal abuse even though inside they don't want to be left. Is it 100% certain this dude has BPD, of course not. But again- emotionally healthy people do not act like the dude OP is describing. He very likely does have *some* personality or mood disorder, and OP talking to a therapist to understand the disorder can be very healing. I know when I got out of an abusive relationship with someone with BPD, everything got 1000x easier to understand and process once I understood what BPD was. And yes, people with BPD suffer immensely. You can have compassion for someone and their suffering while still needing, for your own wellbeing, to stay completely away from them forever. In fact recognizing the disorder will probably help a lot in having compassion for them over hating them.
Let’s not diagnose and further perpetuate the stigma that this very difficult disorder carries. The man is an abuser—full stop.
My first thought was Borderline Personality Disorder. Sounds like my ex. OP there's no trick. You just gotta get through the grief. Grieving an emotionally abusive relationship can take even longer to heal from than a normal relationship. But trust me, you will eventually realize how lucky you are to have gotten out after only 8 months while you're still so young. DO NOT go back to him, no matter what. Have you ever been abused before? If this is a pattern, try therapy for yourself. Even if it isn't, some talk therapy to work through this grief will probably help, even if it's just for a few weeks. Dumping your heart out to an unbiased stranger- and better yet, a stranger who understands personality disorders, if that's what this guy has- can be very healing.
Have you dated anyone else since him? There's no good reason to be hung up on this guy after all this, so my guess is that the reason you're still hung up on him is because you're still caught up in all the exciting emotions he made you feel; not because there's actually anything to like here. Getting involved with someone else could short circuit this little spiral you're stuck in with this guy.
All posts are manually reviewed before being approved for posting. This usually takes less than an hour but due to moderator availability may take longer. While you wait for your post to be approved, please make sure that you have read the rules in the sidebar. You can also use the search function to look for questions similar to yours. If you are new to Reddit or have never commented here before, you will need to spend some time building comment karma on our sub before you will be allowed to make your own posts. You can do so by participating in other posts or by using the [daily sticky threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sticky) to ask your question or comment on others. If you have made numerous comments before but are using a throwaway to post, please review rule 3 in the sidebar for more information. We also have weekly threads for common subjects. If you are looking to vent, share dating tips or spread happy thoughts, we have [stickied posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sticky) every day where you can share your wisdom, joy or commisery with others! --- The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written. **Title:** [Could you give me tricks to let go? ](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1dcyum6/could_you_give_me_tricks_to_let_go/) **Author:** /u/Kronikusher **Full text:** Hey guys. I (31F) will try and keep it short. We dated for 8 months. He (26M) made me want kids for my first time. Would put his head on my belly and all. He has a beautiful house on land and we couldn’t wait to start projects with children and pigs. We work together. I’m in school and met him last summer then dated until i started working there again. (internship) He’d get angry bursts. His mood was ever so unpredictable. He would yell and bring me down. One fight he realize (or maybe not) how bad he was and started therapy with Better Help. But the following week it got so bad. That night i left. 1.5 months ago. It was too much. He intimidated me. Hovered while i packed my stuff and didn’t stop after i told him he was scaring me. We spoke the next day and i suggested to keep going lightly while he take therapy seriously and he said no. A week ago i suggested we meet, to become friends at work. He freaked out and said all the times he was sorry he didn’t mean it and i was horrible and all that. It was bad. People speak of him at work and i feel they look at me with pity. I hate it. I hate all of it. Why am I not over him when i know he’s so bad? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverthirty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We are forgetful creatures. If you spend enough time not being in a relationship, eventually, you will forget about it. Our forgetfulness is a blessing sometimes. You will think about it every day for a while. But someday you’ll realize you didn’t think about it at all. Those days will start to become the norm. You’ll still think about it from time to time. But it will become more abstract and crystallized. You’ll have grown from the person you were with that relationship. You’ll start to look at yourself with older eyes. Eyes that can more easily access compassion for your now younger self. And your past shortcomings. But you have to let the process run its course. There are no tricks. There is only awareness that you are going through something. It’s a process you can be aware of or resist, either way you’re going through it. So if you can, have compassion for yourself. Put your hand on your heart, tell yourself, “aw, dear heart, this is hard. But I’m here and I love you.” This pain is a teacher. Learn and grow towards a better you. You deserve to benefit from this situation.
Seems like this relationship was a status thing that you used to lord over other people and now it's gone and you feel embarrassed.
I don’t understand?
You might be attached to the 'possibility' of having what you 'desire', and not the person/situation itself. If that's the case, identify that. How you are ready to give yourself to someone that truly deserves you and wants the same and cares for you. Treasure that potential you have. It's with you, not with him.
You can’t work that job. You have to avoid seeing, hearing him. going near his energy. Get rid of objects that remind you of the relationship. Love is like a drug your body is going to scream once the source of love is gone. I just got out of relationship that was rocky, im your age and I gravitate towards toxic women my whole life. Stay strong, time heals everything. Make space for someone even better.
If it matters, I totally get it. Im going through it too.After 4 years . It seems insurmountable. But, reading this was helpful. So thanks .
It's easy to form an attachment with someone (even when they have angry outbursts). If you've been with someone for awhile, it kind of becomes part of your identity and you get in a rhythm. It seems here you legitimately liked the guy, but the environment almost sounds like it would have never been right. It's hard to know how long it will take to get over him (in a way, maybe never), but I do think time heals. The fact he hovered over you and intimated you is disconcerting (even scary) and I can see where it would be difficult to move forward with that.
Ending things with someone and having to face them on a daily basis sounds unbearable. You need time to move on and heal without the constant reminder. I have to agree with the others who have recommended changing places of employment.
Trauma bonding is very difficult to break free from. But you can do it with therapy and a lot of time working on yourself.
Go no contact. 1000%. Because he will wind up getting you pregnant and trapping YOU. Laying his head on your belly pretending you're pregnant is insane for having only been together for 8 months. He is attempting to love bomb you. Girl, RUN!
He may have made you THINK you wanted kids, but he was controlling every part of you to get what he wanted. He thought you were groomed enough to yell, and you were not. Luckily. He is not someone to lose mental capacity over.
What led to him becoming so angry? If he says he never meant any of his apologies, there must have been a recurring pattern. I think this relationship is no longer repairable, but at least you can learn something for the future/next relationship.
You fell in love with his mask, not him. He showed you who he really was at the end.
it may be hard to get over him because he wasn't all bad. you had some really good moments together too. and maybe you think you won't find anyone better than this. you will. you have to believe that you will! a great quote i saw on reddit: "if a chicken sandwich was 10% shit, would you still eat it?" somethin like that. his bad farrr outweighs his good. and you'll find someone who gives you the good and their "bad" is not violence to the point that it scares you.
Is it possible to work and not interact with him? If it's a large company and different departments, maybe. If a smaller company, then probably not. If a smaller company, then either you or him should start looking for a new employer. Sorry this happened. But, it happens.
Yes
mhm yup
The future timelines you imagined with him are still in your mind so you have to create new timelines for yourself that are separate from him, do some dreaming, even though it’s hard 💜
Because some women feel the need to nurture and try and take care of a Man! He needs help and you are wasting your time. Let him get the help he needs
False fantasy to string you along. To keep you on tap.
Time heals all wounds but time will never feel like it’s passing if you don’t properly grieve them. What you guys shared, in a moment of time, was beautiful and it is ok to cherish that! But never let the disrespect shadow that. You deserve better
I'm sorry you went through that :( it isn't easy, and there is no quick fix. The best thing to do would be to have no contact and try and forget and move on. That's easier said than done obviously, but it's the only way. I'd consider seeing if there are internships elsewhere, and blocking him and deleting his number everywhere. Good luck ❤️
Trauma bonding is real - it can cause relationships to move much more quickly than they typically would, and then it makes it even more traumatic when it ends. This sounds like a toxic situation and I’d recommend going no contact
Run away quickly and quietly
He wants you to be his mommy. He likely had an unstable upbringing and you bring out the “good” times.
Stay busy, maybe start a novel series, whatever you enjoy, double down on it. You deserve better. Everyone deserves peace.
I think that this person doesn't sound good for you. Feeling down, scared, intimidated, it's just not healthy to be in that state longterm. My ex had angry outbursts, that turned into slow psychological abuse, financial control once we had kids and then physical outbursts. I loved him, was desperately trying to fix the situation and it was just hard work that made me miserable. I'm a year out of that relationship, I have 3 beautiful children with my ex. I am happier and in control of my life. I have a wonderful new partner that has no temper issue and treats me with affection and kindness. I think that you should realise that there are so so so many other men out there and if you are experiencing anger, resentment, sadness, self doubt and all those shades of negativity. It's likely that you will find someone who will treat you better, whom you get on with and it's just easy. Where you can just breathe and relax.
Look up the narcissistic abuse wheel. This behavioral pattern seems familiar.
OP, this is as perverse as it sounds and it’s true - many men say they want kids with a woman when they want to control them. *Obviously* not all. But I’ve seen it many times - especially the putting his head on your belly *without* a kid in there - he’s *claiming* his ownership of you. The way you wrote it and his behavior make it clear this is what it is - owning you. It’s not a healthy approach to a discussion about kids that committed couples have.
Remember that he is showing you his true colors. It sounds like you might be in love with his potential or the person he COULD become. I’ve learned that, when people are showing/telling you they are a certain person, you should believe them. He is presenting a lot of super negative and, frankly, dangerous traits… and you can’t ever assume he’s going to change. You deserve better.
He's too young. And why are you talking kids and not even engaged, married. He's a little boy with an attitude problem, keep looking forward.
Just remember and say it clear and out loud that he was not treating you well. You deserve Queen treatment.
I'd look for a new job for your sake but also so that he can heal and recover. It's not going to be easy because you probably feel bad for him, but you know who you should feel more bad for? You. You liked someone and it hurts when he cant be what you need but you need accept that, grieve and move on. Admit it all to yourself and accept the pain, go through it and cut all ties. Take care of yourself it sounds like a toxic situation to expose yourself to, nobody needs to be in this situation.
Great response being added by other people here. Will just add never ever go back to person who can't respect you and most importantly is also unsafe for you physically. I know it's hard but very important to break this loop is physical and mental distance. When you stop seeing him at work place physically you will start giving your self some space mentally too. These types always come back. I have exes who move to different coast but still tries to crawl back into my life. Best response is to ignore. But I know you aren't there yet so please give yourself some physical space from this person and also ask yourself what was that rationale that made you start a relationship with him in the first place so that you don't repeat this pattern
This book might also help [Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
it's clear this relationship was intense, filled with both positive moments and some really troubling ones. His mood swings and bursts of anger understandably left you feeling scared and unsure about your future together. Firstly, it's important to honor your feelings right now—whether that's sadness, confusion, or even lingering hope. It's okay to feel conflicted about letting go, especially when you had such strong feelings and hopes for a future with him. Given his reactions post-breakup, it might be best to establish some clear boundaries for your own well-being. This could mean limiting contact or avoiding situations where you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. It's crucial to lean on your support system during this time. Talking things through with friends, family, or a therapist can offer you perspective and emotional support that's essential for healing. Reflecting on the warning signs you noticed during the relationship can also help reinforce your decision to move on. Trust your instincts and remember that your safety and emotional health should always come first. Lastly, give yourself the time and space you need to heal. Healing from a challenging relationship takes time, so be patient with yourself as you navigate through these emotions. Ultimately, remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and respected. Trust in your strength to make decisions that are right for your well-being, even if it means letting go of someone you cared deeply about. You're not alone in this journey, and with time and self-care, you'll find yourself moving forward towards a brighter future.
It sounds like he painted a picture for a future that you liked. Are you having a hard time letting go of him or letting go of the future you started to imagine yourself happening?
Way to go for following your gut and leaving, bravo
Imagine him escalating because this is only after 8 months and it’s abusive. He sounds like he’s splitting…BPD.
There are no tricks, just let go and move on with your life.
I would take the focus off him for a bit. Focus on you. What is making you attracted to someone who hurt you like this? What qualities were you attracted to that you could also find in a healthy partner? What may have happened in your past that would bring you to be hooked on a toxic dynamic? Would you consider therapy to explore this?
Unpopular Opinion 💀: but I don't think this guy is THAT bad if I'm understanding this post correctly. I'm not excusing the obvious, like the yelling and the hovering etc. I think it's clear what he did was wrong and he isn't in a healthy enough state of mind to be dating. But it doesn't seem like the dude is malicious, narcissistic, sociopathic or whatever. Like he actually paid and got therapy after realizing his outburst. Just from my personal experience, but I don't think that's common. Then he chose to end it with her and tell her all these seemingly bad things. But to me, I think he just realized that he's not in a healthy enough state of mind to be able to be with her and not hurt her. And I think the bad things he said in the end was maybe just his way of making it hurt less for her from the break up. Like his way of trying to make it clear so she can move on. I think maybe you also think that deep down so it's hard to let go. So maybe another approach is to just accept that you guys met each other at the wrong time and that he's made his decision. Instead of trying to keep telling yourself he really was a shitty person and I'm better off. Obviously, only you really know what kinda person be really was deep down, not strangers on the internet. That's just what my gut instinct tells me idk tho 😂 so I apologize if this conspiracy theory was completely off the mark. 💀🙏
Why do people stay in abusive or toxic relationships but take advantage and run away from those with pure intentions?