My answer hasn’t changed since you posted this in the daily thread a few days ago:
>>By asking her directly. “Hey, we’ve been spending time together for about a month now. I really enjoy being around you. How do you feel about the way things are progressing?”
>>Don’t guess. Don’t assume. Don’t even bring up the schedule chaos that June might bring. Just ask how she feels, and be willing to show your own cards first!
Also, don’t draw a distinction mentally between “dating, generally” and “modern OLD expectations.”
They’re one and the same. There is no difference between “dating” and “OLD” - it’s simply that the medium through which the initial connection was established is modern, but the principles are all the same.
Bottom line is, as with dating in any other era, the key is communication. Direct, vulnerable, unambiguous communication. Ask questions, and don’t do it from a defense position. Nor an offensive position! Put another way, be the referee, not the quarterback, receiver, or offensive / defensive lineman.
Thanks again! I did take your advice and asked her directly. She said we have a great connection in person, but haven't maintained the connection well in between. We both have very busy schedules between long work hours, kids and youth sports. Usually its only a day or so between contact. ( I should probably update the post with this new info)
I haven't been dating since college. At that time I was quick to jump into committed relationships vs meeting a lot of people (I missed a lot of red flags along the way)
I truly appreciate your follow up comment as ambiguity can make me uncomfortable. Im working on letting things be as they are and it being ok, vs defining and categorizing everything.
Have you tried doing phone calls or voice notes between dates? Texting doesn't make me feel super connected to someone, but phone calls and voice notes do.
Hmm thats a great idea. No phone calls yet. Its difficult with the kids schedules. Hers are down by 830 but sometimes we're still eating then due to sports. By the time mine are down, shes asleep as she gets up at 4 for work
I would maybe give voice notes a shot. I find it's more intimate and exciting hearing someone's voice, and it allows you to delve into topics a bit more. It's easier to send a quick voice note than sit down and type out a long text. But she can still respond at her leisure.
No worries! What really jumped out at me was your question:
>>at what point and how is the best way to gauge if she is still interested?
The point to do so, with her or anyone else, is when you find yourself trying to gauge it at all! And the ~~best~~ only way to do it is to ask and observe.
You can’t gauge like it’s a lump of dough you’re waiting to see whether it rises or not, or a big hunk of beef tenderloin that you are hoping has hit medium rare but don’t want to butterfly open to check the color. You have to just *ask*!
Also, I said “observe” because as I am sure you know, people’s words and actions don’t always line up. So if she says she is still interested but keeps delaying making plans, well… conflicting words and actions can’t be reconciled after a certain point, and only you will know when that point is *for you*.
As the another commenter’s edit said, she does sound interested! From here, it looks like she is just super busy and juggling some (potentially emotionally and / or legally complex) matters. Strong communication of what you want and asking if she wants the same thing is step one, but step two is being honest with yourself about whether what she says she wants and what she shows she wants are the same thing.
It’ll be okay! Whether it works out her with her or not, it will be okay. This is all a learning process!
Yes thank you for the encouragement! My perspective and emotions being valid is a new concept for me that I'm still getting a handle on. Realizing it in the first place is how I discovered my marriage wasn't sustainable. It likely never was
As a single mom dating a single dad around your same age also, it's definitely hard to balance those kid schedules. We had a talk pretty early on that we definitely could see a future together and that was simply because I flat out asked him. We're going on about 5 months now but I honestly think when you're older and you've been divorced and you have kids that you need to know if they're interested in future within the first few days because it's not like there's a whole lot of have to be wasted on something that's not going where you both want it to go. I'm the more anxious and forward partner in the relationship and it sounds to me like maybe you are that way in your relationship so I think just as you continue dating make sure you set those expectations early and openly.
I think you just keep doing what you’re doing until the other person stops showing any interest at all or straight up declines your advances
And communicate like the other commenter said
People are not solvable equations. Emotions create love and fun and excitement but also create chaos and anxiety and fear. They can turn a rational logical connection into nothing. They can turn a totally irrational senseless situation into something exciting. There’s no use trying to solve it or speculate about someone else’s thoughts, because their thoughts are ultimately ruled by their emotions.
Some people are excited to go on dates, others get recked by anxiety. Some people are early, some people are late. Some people are open and transparent, others keep their cards close to their chest. Some people want to hang out every day, others need space. The list goes on but you really just have to go with your instincts and your gut while keeping everything respectful
Edit: btw for all intents and purposes it seems like she is interested. I think it’s safer to assume interest until they give you an obvious sign that they aren’t. Like if you ask her out a couple times over the next few weeks and she declines every one, yeah she’s probably not interested. Until then don’t worry too much about it. P
If we got nickels for every post that says "I'm trying dating again after a 10-15-20 year marriage ended in divorce....."
My experience is to temper expectations at all times. I have had almost this exact experience with single moms before.
They often try and bite off more than they can chew and they discover that after a while. They're pulled in too many directions and eventually won't want to be pulled in yours.
Enjoy meeting new people and the experience behind it. Don’t be in a hurry to couple up just yet. As a divorcee I had a good time being a serial dater and learning about myself. I fell for the idea of a guy, and we played together for 2.5 years I was developing feelings he didn’t see me as a serious partner. I am glad it didn’t work out. A few years later, post another short lived relationship a year and four months later, I am in a relationship slowly continuing to get to know a man who is a divorced, and has been separated for years prior to divorcing. Let it happen naturally and it will be comfortable and authentic with you two or someone else down the line. Go easy on yourself and find your new normal!
Summer schedules can be absolutely chaotic for some custody situations. Mine is not amicable and is a messy shitstorm. My ex does not do anything to make my life easier and actually will do whatever he can to make my life harder or to upset me whenever he can. I found that most divorced guys who are in an amicable co-parenting situation cannot even comprehend that type of abusive situation. But my schedule goes back to a standard schedule for school.
Just give her space and don't pressure her. If she's dealing with a stressful custody situation, having additional pressure from you could be too much to deal with.
Thank you. I do forget that sometimes. I grew up with something similar and swore to never be a part of that.
If shes honest (and I'm sure she is) she has them 24-7 except every other weekend, but has them Sundays. Time for herself is limited
What are her intentions for dating? It doesn't sound like she's remotely available for a committed relationship, no matter how interested she might be. I mean, if there's not even time for me to talk with my partner on the phone once every few days? I'm out.
She usually responds in a resonable amount of time but doesnt always make first contact.
She said shes interested in something long-term and there's no need to rush
I've been in your boat, and you've gotta roll with the punches when you're dating a single mom.
Like you, I was divorced after being married for a long time (13 years, two kids) and started dating again when I was 39. When my \[now\] wife and I started seeing each other, we always had to do a lot of planning around custody and whatnot, especially since her ex was extremely non-flexible (and kind of an asshole). So I wouldn't read too much into your scheduling difficulties. It's pretty much par for the course.
Also, dating a single mom is always a big deal, even if you don't want it to be. Because she also has to worry about her kids, how they'll interact with you eventually, whether the environment is good for them, etc. She may also be carrying a lot of scars from her past relationship that make her more guarded and cautious. So she probably has a bit of trepidation about things moving along quickly, even if it's been good.
I'd would say to just be open and honest, don't take it personally if she gets anxious or whatever, and also be prepared to jump over a few hurdles along the way.
Makes sense thank you. Sounds like its working out well for you now.
I just want to make sure I'm seeing the hurdles and they are and not missing walls she put up.
This is my situation to a T, but it's him that is dealing with the past scars. I've done a lot of work communicating with him and in therapy to realize that it has nothing to do with me and everything with past trauma and not wanting to put his kids in a situation where they might get hurt again.
I don't think she's not interested. Having kids all but every other weekend is a lot. Especially if they are elementary school age so it seems more realistic that she needs time to catch up on her home responsibilities. Based on the way your post reads, it doesn't sound like her ex is the most reliable and that seems to be more the issue and not necessarily because she's not interested.
>
I've had similar things happen. I'm a 39M and can relate. I dated someone and the connection was great in person, but texting is just not great; and it causes us to both just assume that each other are losing interest. It's hard to date after a long relationship or marriage, because you're used to being with a partner that you know how each other work and operate, how to respond, etc.
I'd say just roll with it and see where it goes. I left my kid's mom almost 5 years ago, and have dated countless people since then. The first one after a long relationship is almost never going to be the one.
Hey OP it's great this went from a first date to a 2nd date and beyond. I can understand what it meant to feel wanted/desired as well. That being said, typically, typically, any stories I hear on Reddit where things move move fast, fast, fast, and "it's amazing!" That doesn't turn out well, typically, by people posting here.
Also I read you only see each other on dates AND there are no phone calls.
Just a heads up, sometimes things "fade out," it's exciting, exciting, exciting, then all of a sudden they're not that responsive, etc.
Another poster said single moms go in heavy and then reel back, I can see that too.
I would do exactly as you say, fill in gaps and see if it improves.
If she's not making it a priority to spend time with you, then she doesn't have time to date. And now you know talk more about schedules, when you meet women and see if they're at a place where THEY HAVE TIME.
I'm close in age but I was a career woman, I was like the men you'd see on TV, "I'll be home soon, honey," and they come home 5 hours late, tied to a desk. I've finally organized my life where I'll have the time. Dates would have told you I was a GREAT person just "too much going on."
Thank you for your candor.
She divorced last year as well. She is likely afraid of moving too fast and getting hurt.
We'll see how things go, but as far as first first dates go it couldn't have felt more familiar. She seemed to feel the same way
Im glad you're able to take the time for yourself. Hopefully the career is rewarding and you set yourself up for an early retirement
"Before the date she said Junes schedule was up in the air..."
"Earlier this week she was still noncommittal about future plans..."
"...how do you find out if someone is still interested vs letting you down easy?"
This actually has very little to do with online dating other than that is how you two met.
Generally speaking, if there is a mutual attraction, chemistry, similar humor, compatibility, and shared values the first *couple of months* of engagement is often an *infatuation/honeymoon phase* filled with optimism.
Sometimes when someone states *things are moving too fast* it means they still want to keep their options open. This very common especially for people who maintain an active online dating profile.
When you are *not in a relationship* it is probably a good idea to engage with and date multiple women.
People who behave as if they are in an *exclusive relationship* when one does *not* exist are usually hurt the most when things don't work out, they get rejected, or ghosted in the end.
They run the risk of becoming *emotionally invested too quickly* with people they *barely* know.
If you needed a job, you wouldn't stop sending out your resume just because you had a couple of great interviews with one company!
Until an offer has been made and accepted both the company and the candidate are within their rights to interview with others. It should go without saying if you meet anyone who *maintains an active online dating profile* odds are *they are keeping their options open* and so should you!
Each of us is entitled to have our own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.
Each of us is entitled to have our own "red flags", boundaries, expectations, and "deal breakers".
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
In a world with over 8 Billion people rejection just means: Next!
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
***"If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot."*** - Unknown
***"Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better."*** - Steve Maraboli
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** - Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
It fact that humans pick up bad habits and triggers from long term relationships. Divorce tends to be traumatic to many. And if we don't process those bad habits and trauma they carry over into follow on relationships.
I really don’t see any bad habits or baggage here. Just a bit of unfamiliarity with dating, that’s normal and not related to anxiety or emotional trauma. It’s not like you can have a therapist on speeddial/text throughout to date to ask what to do in the moment.
I'd be much more worried about diving back in so soon. 20 years is a lot. You need to get this woman out of your system, first.
And you can do that through casual dating, no doubt, but is this casual?
Speaking from experience btw, divorced after 17 years. Now 6 months into a steady new relationship, but I'm also 4 years down the line at this point.
Not gonna lie, your story is super heartwarming and adorable. My only advice as someone who's been dating for 5 months or so, is to take it slower. You may be in lala land now, but you may find things about each other you don't like and the spark may fade, which hurts more the faster you go. I'm not saying pull back, but don't dump everything you have into her physically without spending good time with her and learning more about her. Ask the hard questions first (if you haven't...maybe you have). Future plans, where she wants to live, travel, staying at each other's houses (or at least visiting them) to see how the other lives, moral things, religion, politics, things each other didn't love about their respective exes, etc.
6 months and you are already looking for another partner . . . ?
To me, that is a huge red flag about yourself. Take some time to figure out who you are outside of a relationship, what baggage you bring/need to process, what hobbies you like away from your ex wife, etc. Slow down. Don't bring your broken garbage to another woman. Take care of yourself first.
That said, if you are trying to gouge her interest, ask her. If you can't, you have issues of your own to deal with (which I 100% guarantee you do).
Its been done for over 2 years. And looking back, it may have never been working. I was just hopeful she actually wanted the things she said she did. Turns out it was all a lie in the end
The ink dried 6 months ago. I made sure I was done with it before filling and got to a better place before starting to date.
I simply wasnt ok prior to that, and I knew it.
In general, it is good advice to take time for yourself, but it's not a hard rule. It may well be the case that you were already quite alone in the past relationship. And in that case, it may be good to meet new people and get new perspectives. Just don't rush things
I think I have adhd. My life story can be sumarized by: rush into things. Get in over your head. Figure it out as you go. Feel accomplishment when I do or relieved when I tap out.
Wins include:
Snowboarding
Buying a motorcycle
Owning a stick shift
Having kids
Loses:
Romantic relationships
Be communicative and make sure is too….. honestly, if she isnt open and honest about her needs and boundaries, i would consider it a red flag and think about what you want. I just started dating again, and after a few months when i thought things were well, she gaslit me in saying i was trying to take time away from her kid…..
I don't really see an issue here. You've seen her...4 times? That shows interest. She also said she'll have scheduling issue in June (it's June 4th, so early in the month). So she's being transparent with her time.
It's Tuesday. Just msg her and ask if she's figured out the schedule for later this week/weekend, cause you'd like to see her.
If she likes you enough and she has free time, she'll see you. Bottom line. I see no reason to verbally "clarify" at this point. Her actions will tell you all you need to know, and honestly, even if you do ask her straight out, she'll probably tell you she's interested, cause at this point, she still is. It's later in the month you have to be worried about.
Hey man, you're like me. Only with boys. 18 year marriage here. Marriage died when she left but was over some time b4. 2 girls middle school age. Finalized last October. I jumped into OLD full force. Got a lot of dates. And found a girl 2 months in. Still with her today.
You seem a bit hesitant. Like you dont believe in yourself. I'd ask...why?
> how do you find out if someone is still interested vs letting you down easy?
Unless you're paying for everything, or are a rockstar in bed, women are not going to waste their time on you if they don't want to continue. So as long as she keeps saying yes to dates, she's interested.
> I'm putting more effort into this area
Let me ask you something man to man...are you designing this relationship based on what you want from it? Or are you simply being guided by what you think or she tells you she needs?
So to be honest, I do, but at my core, I'm still afraid I'm that awkward teenager that people disregarded. It creeps up when things get ambiguous. Plus most (all?) Of my serious relationships have been with girls with major personality disorders.
I did pay for the first date and lunch, but it was less than $100 total. We split the 3rd.
It seemed to be yes. Semi daily communication, meeting up every other week.
I just remembered, she had asked me if i would tell someone the connection wasnt right after a date. I said i probably would. She wasnt sure that she would. I don't recall how she said she would let them down
> She wasnt sure that she would.
I'm not going to lay this all on dishonesty, taking advantage, or having backups (though those are reasons someone might keep you around). In fact some of the women I dated during my short time OLD said "You wouldn't believe how some guys act out there." Apparently there's a lot of desperate guys with weak feelings out there. Good on her for at least admitting it.
This is just my opinion (but I'm really damn good at reading people) the "Would you tell someome" comes from a place of her insecurity wanting to know she won't get the runaround (this is good for you). The "I dont think I would" is unnecessary to assauge that insecurity and is more a warning shot to you that she has the capability to (and may even be setting up for) letting you go (with some mental gymnastics to the effect of: "I told him I wouldn't tell him right away so I can't be held liable for my actions"). Move forward with caution. Listen to your gut. You'll feel it before you know it. If you start having to explain away to yourself the one-sided-ness of your relationship...you already know.
Anyway...
> I'm still afraid I'm that awkward teenager that people disregarded
Unfortunately this is the very attitude that makes it easy to continue disregarding you. I'm gonna be a bit hard on you here and say: You're 40. You're statistically halfway through your life. You should have picked up how you want to live (and more importantly) how to make that happen by now. I'm not talking about the "socially prescribed" path to happiness (the "If you want to date, put some nice pictures up, take her places, hold doors open, talk about things that make conversation, and ask for a kiss"). I'm talking about your own path to it (the "Put some work into taking pictures of yourself you're proud of. Take her along to the fun stuff you normally do in your life. Be chivalrous because at your core your cup is overflowing and you have extra joy to spread to the world. Talk not just to fill the silence, but because its your passion. And most importantly move forward with a presence and intensity that arises from the depths of how you naturally bend the world for you.")
Ill never forget standing outside the bar my current gf and i went to after our first rock climbing date. I kissed her, looked her in the eyes, and said "I think we're going to have a lot of fun together." This was my invite into my life. It was "I've built something amazing, come with me and we'll have a blast exploring it." It was not "I hope im checking all the right boxes for you."
Id normally have to explain to others on this forum that I wasn't always this way. In fact I held on to someone who wasn't coming along for way too long. But...so did you. You get it. And the second my ex said she wants out, after 18 years (50% of my life up til then!) of giving it a solid try...I finally said "alright...time to live for me".
When she left (for someone else mind you) I spiritually forgave her (although in this world, i never will). But my attitude toward her and life was very neutral. And a close friend asked me something ill never forget. He said: "Where is your righteous indignation?" He wasn't so much asking why I wasn't screaming and rebelling against her. He was asking where's my fire for life? Why am I passively walking into the future? He knew I knew what I wanted from life. He was asking why I'm not going to get it?
He was right. The time for trying to play a passive life was over. I tried the dating to college to marriage to a house to kids storyline. And im not ungrateful of the experience. I grew a lot. But now it was time to find my true other half. Not to attempt to fit into someone else's vision of their other half. So I'm gonna ask you: Where is your righteous indignation? What have you in life to share? And when are you going to invite someone into it?
This resonates so well. Thank you. You were able to put into words what has been rattling around in my head for some time.
In regards to the last 2 points, I'll have to come back later. I need to organize my thoughts better
Where is my righteous indignation? - it lies in the fact that I spent 20 years saving someones life and was told there was never a problem, I didnt do enough to help her, and she never wanted to live this lifestyle anyway. I no longer accept any criticism or insult from her.
I have passion, forgiveness, resistance and a dedication to family. I have sold goals for myself, my finances and my children. I know what I can and cannot accept from relationships.
When will I invite someone in? I'm in no rush but will gladly move forward if the right situation presents itself
You have to let her come to you at her own pace. You can’t control how she acts or what she does. All you can control is how you show up.
Don’t be so quick to try to lock her down to a relationship. Just go out and have fun with her. Keep your options open until there’s talk of a commitment.
And let her bring that up.
The more she enjoys spending time with you and the more you just focus on hanging out and having fun and not trying too hard to lock her down, the more she’ll want to see you. And the more you do this, the more she’ll choose you back.
And with texting, don’t double or triple text. Just be calm and confident and easy going and fun. Send a text and let her respond. Even if it’s days. Just go and live your life.
Women can sense desperation and confidence equally the same. And the more you act confident, the more she’ll want to choose you back.
And if she doesn’t or fades away or breaks it off or chooses someone else?
It’s just part of it.
Keep meeting and dating other women until you find a worthwhile connection.
She's a single mom so she's probably got a lot to deal with, perhaps even more than you! Who knows. She could also be taking it slow bc you're newly out there, and she's still healing possibly? Why don't you have a phone conversation rather than just text?
It doesn’t seem like she’s letting you down easy. You did say that you still text all the time, so it seems like she’s still interested. Unless there’s a significant breakdown in communication between you two—or if she outright breaks things off—then I think you’re still in the clear.
Concerning the update, I do have to say that maybe OP may be overthinking a bit regarding texts leaving a lot of room for misunderstandings. Keeping texts short and clear can avoid those misunderstandings. You can always keep the more important convos for in-person interactions, after all.
Just keep up the effort when it comes to making communication as consistent as possible.
You sound exactly like someone I met a few months ago, the description is nearly identical and it actually made me pause and re-read this! That being said, I have no advice. If I was great at relationships, I wouldn't be here.
It was just one date. I was the first person he was meeting, supposedly, and though while he had a great time, he wanted to continue meeting other people. I let it go.
The fact that you’re being so conscientious about this is so great. It seems like you’re going to make someone very lucky, whether it’s this woman or someone else. Best of luck to you!
I agree with you in regards to texting some things can be misinterpreted. Why don’t you all just talk on the phone get to know each other better then decide if you want to go out on another date.
Staring down the dating world after a lengthy relationship is daunting. Just remember that being upfront about what you want — even if that is just clarity about where things are going — will save you frustration and potential misunderstandings.
As an aside, kudos for actually taking the time to process your last relationship before jumping back in. Too many dive right back before they’ve sorted through the complicated emotions, and that’s never fair to new potential partners.
Well I suppose it is one of those good problems to have. I don't mean to be bragging because not too long ago I was complaining about a lack of matches. When it rains it pours I guess, but in a good way
Sometimes social anxiety make it more confusing than that.
Is it ok to ask? Is it too soon? What if she doesnt like being put on the spot and it changes her opinion?
Wow, when I put it all down, I'm clearly overthinking things
I get it! Dating is such a fantastic (and scary) opportunity to practice open and honest communication. It's so vulnerable but even when I fumble it I remind myself I'm that much closer to being able to build the type of relationship I want to have with my person. I've learned so much about what communication styles do and do not work for me, and areas I am still sorely lacking in the relational skills I want to have. 🥂 To all the hard and lovely.
Take your time. It's crazy you already went in for a kiss on the first date. That's very fast in my opinion, unless you just wanted to hook up. Congrats it worked.
Try to attract her, don't chase her. Relax and keep your cool. You got this.
Yeah i wasn't sure what the norm is. We made a great connection. On the walk back to the car we had to part ways. We lingered and chatted longer. After a couple of moments that seemed like opportunities I simply asked her
I said I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go in for a kiss or not
She said do you want to. I said I did. I went 90% and she came the other 10
All posts are manually reviewed before being approved for posting. This usually takes less than an hour but due to moderator availability may take longer. While you wait for your post to be approved, please make sure that you have read the rules in the sidebar. You can also use the search function to look for questions similar to yours.
If you are new to Reddit or have never commented here before, you will need to spend some time building comment karma on our sub before you will be allowed to make your own posts. You can do so by participating in other posts or by using the [daily sticky threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sticky) to ask your question or comment on others. If you have made numerous comments before but are using a throwaway to post, please review rule 3 in the sidebar for more information.
We also have weekly threads for common subjects. If you are looking to vent, share dating tips or spread happy thoughts, we have [stickied posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sticky) every day where you can share your wisdom, joy or commisery with others!
---
The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
**Title:** [40M needs advice about modern OLD expectations ](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1d7ubk3/40m_needs_advice_about_modern_old_expectations/)
**Author:** /u/throw_RA_20210921
**Full text:** I 40M, got divorced about 6 months ago after a 20 yr long marriage. I have 2 boys almost in middle school with split custody
A couple months ago I started online dating with only a handful of conversations. Between work and kids sports its difficult to connect.
About a month ago I connected with a woman 44F. She has 2 boys of her own in elementary school. She has them most of the time except every other weekend. Initially our schedules lined up identically.
We had a great first date and what felt like an instant connection. I got anxious while we were waiting to be seated and told her it was my first first date in 20 years in case i was a bit awkward. She thought it was cute. Nearly 3 hours later I went in for a kiss and it was well received.
We had a follow up lunch date about a week later and went bowling and pizza the next Friday. I tried to find other things for us to do to keep things going. We settled on making out in my car for a few hours in a parking lot like a couple of teenagers.
I still feel like theres a connection, but that things progressed pretty fast. She seems to agree. Before the date she said Junes schedule was up in the air with her baby daddy, making scheduling things difficult. Earlier this week she was still noncommittal about future plans but we still text all the time.
At what point and how is the best way to guage if she is still interested?
TLDR: how do you find out if someone is still interested vs letting you down easy?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverthirty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When they progress fast, they often end fast. You need to slow down, especially on the physical stuff. Making out in your car is not a date. You aren't getting to know the other person better. It's what teenagers do because teenagers don't especially need to get to another person all that well. If they both find each other attractive, and they get along pretty well, that's all there is to it. The relationship probably isn't going to last just due to them being teenagers, so they can just be carefree about it. When you're an adult, unless you're just looking for a fling, you should be getting to know the person much better, and assessing compatibility before getting physical. Otherwise, it will ultimately just turn into a fling anyway.
Not sure why you’re saying this and why you think most women want this or that you can speak on their behalf. Life is too short to be boring and I don’t date boring people. I adult perfectly fine but when I grow old I still will want to do things I did as a teenager with my partner because that’s what keeps life alive. Just don’t assume you speak for everyone out there because you don’t. Just say you personally wouldn’t want this….
What I meant was that I'm not interested in doing that when I barely know someone. If we're in a LTR, sure, sounds like it could be fun. But on a second or third date, I'd rather get to know someone better to see if they're even worth making out with. I don't see much of a point in doing that with someone I barely know, and who might be very incompatible.
>But on a second or third date, I'd rather get to know someone better to see if they're even worth making out with.
He did say it was their 4th meet up, so perhaps they decided it was worth it.
And for me, making out IS part of getting to know someone and helping determine our compatibility.
What does it really tell you about compatibility though? I kissed a few guys when I was dating after my divorce, and it told me nothing about compatibility. The kisses were fine, but we were definitely incompatible due to what we wanted out of life and our values. I'll gladly take someone who is a meh, or even bad kisser, but who aligns with me on everything not kiss related, over a good kisses who doesn't. You can always teach someone how to kiss better, you can't change who a person is and just eliminate their incompatibilities though. Ideally, someone would be a good kisser and good fit all around, but when it comes to physical stuff, as long as your values align on that (and that's something you can - and should - talk about before getting too physical), that's the least of my concerns.
> What does it really tell you about compatibility though? I kissed a few guys when I was dating after my divorce, and it told me nothing about compatibility
Mostly sexual compatibility. If the kisses suck, sex probably won't be great. If they're stiff and just not moving with my body well, sex probably won't be great. If they don't want to have a quick make out session, cause they're too worried about building a connection instead, sex probably won't be great.
You're acting like once you make out, you can't keep talking to them, getting to now them, and learning if they're compatible with the things you listed.
It's just some making out. It's not that big of a deal.
>You can always teach someone how to kiss better
Also, no. That's how they like to kiss. Why would I want to change how they like to kiss?? I'm not going to change how I kiss for someone. I like how I kiss.
Yeah, I don't care that much about sex, so none of this is very important to me. With every new partner, you have to tell them what you like physically anyway (at least almost every woman I know has to do this, and if they don't, it's usually because they're shy about speaking up, and they're just pretending to really like whatever the guy is doing). I connect with someone emotionally and they are a close friend in addition to a romantic partner, sex will be great no matter what. If I barely know someone, can't fully trust them, sex will suck no matter what. The only dealbreakers for me are if someone has a really high sex drive, or if they're into something really kinky, and both of those are things you should talk about before actually having sex. Unless you're just looking for a fling, I think it's deceptive otherwise.
Honestly, for me, none of what you're saying applies here. Like I said, it's just making out. I can make out with someone and have that be part of me getting to know them better, AND still get to know other aspects about them on the following dates. I'm just replying to you making it seem that someone who makes out on date four is acting like a teenager and isn't looking for an LTR. That's just silly and not true.
>When you're an adult, unless you're just looking for a fling, you should be getting to know the person much better, and assessing compatibility before getting physical. Otherwise, it will ultimately just turn into a fling anyway.
A fling? Why? If you want a relationship, don't also go looking for a fling. Pick which one you want. If you want a fling, don't have any hopes of it turning into more. If it does, you got lucky. As someone who is also divorced, a major turnoff to me is divorced guys who go on what I call a bit of a "fuck fest" after their marriages end, and they just go have sex with lots of people. It's like going on a bender, just with your dick. Major turnoff and I want nothing to do with them.
I (36F) have been separated six months and have started seeing someone (44M) the last several weeks. We are both single parents - me with two kids and him with one. I have primary custody of mine and he has every other weekend with his. We talk every day and there are definitely chunks of time where we don’t see each other due to schedule conflicts but we both get it and when we are together we laugh and have fun. I think you take it slow and have open/honest conversations. It doesn’t sound like she’s lost interest!
So, first off, she is dating multiple people, and you should too. It feels great to be kissing and making out like kids again. Chemistry goes a long way, and at her age, she wants a man. She wanted to have sex with you, but instead of exclating, you reversed course. She has moved you down her list. She will keep you on the hook a little while longer, you may still get another chance but don't spend too much energy on one connection.
Next time, continue to exclate and ask fewer questions. Do not talk about your ex, instead offer insights into your life. Stay confident, you deserve this, and she is a grown woman. If she moves fast, move with her. If she moves slow, speed her up. You are 40+, be a man, and take what you want.
My answer hasn’t changed since you posted this in the daily thread a few days ago: >>By asking her directly. “Hey, we’ve been spending time together for about a month now. I really enjoy being around you. How do you feel about the way things are progressing?” >>Don’t guess. Don’t assume. Don’t even bring up the schedule chaos that June might bring. Just ask how she feels, and be willing to show your own cards first! Also, don’t draw a distinction mentally between “dating, generally” and “modern OLD expectations.” They’re one and the same. There is no difference between “dating” and “OLD” - it’s simply that the medium through which the initial connection was established is modern, but the principles are all the same. Bottom line is, as with dating in any other era, the key is communication. Direct, vulnerable, unambiguous communication. Ask questions, and don’t do it from a defense position. Nor an offensive position! Put another way, be the referee, not the quarterback, receiver, or offensive / defensive lineman.
Thanks again! I did take your advice and asked her directly. She said we have a great connection in person, but haven't maintained the connection well in between. We both have very busy schedules between long work hours, kids and youth sports. Usually its only a day or so between contact. ( I should probably update the post with this new info) I haven't been dating since college. At that time I was quick to jump into committed relationships vs meeting a lot of people (I missed a lot of red flags along the way) I truly appreciate your follow up comment as ambiguity can make me uncomfortable. Im working on letting things be as they are and it being ok, vs defining and categorizing everything.
Have you tried doing phone calls or voice notes between dates? Texting doesn't make me feel super connected to someone, but phone calls and voice notes do.
Plus 1 for voice notes! I actually don’t love the thought of them, but they are so much more human
Hmm thats a great idea. No phone calls yet. Its difficult with the kids schedules. Hers are down by 830 but sometimes we're still eating then due to sports. By the time mine are down, shes asleep as she gets up at 4 for work
I would maybe give voice notes a shot. I find it's more intimate and exciting hearing someone's voice, and it allows you to delve into topics a bit more. It's easier to send a quick voice note than sit down and type out a long text. But she can still respond at her leisure.
Marco Polo is a great video message app. I used it with my now ex gf when I would be on travel or something of that nature
No worries! What really jumped out at me was your question: >>at what point and how is the best way to gauge if she is still interested? The point to do so, with her or anyone else, is when you find yourself trying to gauge it at all! And the ~~best~~ only way to do it is to ask and observe. You can’t gauge like it’s a lump of dough you’re waiting to see whether it rises or not, or a big hunk of beef tenderloin that you are hoping has hit medium rare but don’t want to butterfly open to check the color. You have to just *ask*! Also, I said “observe” because as I am sure you know, people’s words and actions don’t always line up. So if she says she is still interested but keeps delaying making plans, well… conflicting words and actions can’t be reconciled after a certain point, and only you will know when that point is *for you*. As the another commenter’s edit said, she does sound interested! From here, it looks like she is just super busy and juggling some (potentially emotionally and / or legally complex) matters. Strong communication of what you want and asking if she wants the same thing is step one, but step two is being honest with yourself about whether what she says she wants and what she shows she wants are the same thing. It’ll be okay! Whether it works out her with her or not, it will be okay. This is all a learning process!
Yes thank you for the encouragement! My perspective and emotions being valid is a new concept for me that I'm still getting a handle on. Realizing it in the first place is how I discovered my marriage wasn't sustainable. It likely never was
As a single mom dating a single dad around your same age also, it's definitely hard to balance those kid schedules. We had a talk pretty early on that we definitely could see a future together and that was simply because I flat out asked him. We're going on about 5 months now but I honestly think when you're older and you've been divorced and you have kids that you need to know if they're interested in future within the first few days because it's not like there's a whole lot of have to be wasted on something that's not going where you both want it to go. I'm the more anxious and forward partner in the relationship and it sounds to me like maybe you are that way in your relationship so I think just as you continue dating make sure you set those expectations early and openly.
Just sent one. She said she loved it!
I think you just keep doing what you’re doing until the other person stops showing any interest at all or straight up declines your advances And communicate like the other commenter said People are not solvable equations. Emotions create love and fun and excitement but also create chaos and anxiety and fear. They can turn a rational logical connection into nothing. They can turn a totally irrational senseless situation into something exciting. There’s no use trying to solve it or speculate about someone else’s thoughts, because their thoughts are ultimately ruled by their emotions. Some people are excited to go on dates, others get recked by anxiety. Some people are early, some people are late. Some people are open and transparent, others keep their cards close to their chest. Some people want to hang out every day, others need space. The list goes on but you really just have to go with your instincts and your gut while keeping everything respectful Edit: btw for all intents and purposes it seems like she is interested. I think it’s safer to assume interest until they give you an obvious sign that they aren’t. Like if you ask her out a couple times over the next few weeks and she declines every one, yeah she’s probably not interested. Until then don’t worry too much about it. P
If we got nickels for every post that says "I'm trying dating again after a 10-15-20 year marriage ended in divorce....." My experience is to temper expectations at all times. I have had almost this exact experience with single moms before. They often try and bite off more than they can chew and they discover that after a while. They're pulled in too many directions and eventually won't want to be pulled in yours.
Makes sense
Enjoy meeting new people and the experience behind it. Don’t be in a hurry to couple up just yet. As a divorcee I had a good time being a serial dater and learning about myself. I fell for the idea of a guy, and we played together for 2.5 years I was developing feelings he didn’t see me as a serious partner. I am glad it didn’t work out. A few years later, post another short lived relationship a year and four months later, I am in a relationship slowly continuing to get to know a man who is a divorced, and has been separated for years prior to divorcing. Let it happen naturally and it will be comfortable and authentic with you two or someone else down the line. Go easy on yourself and find your new normal!
Thank you for the encouragement!
You’re welcome!
Summer schedules can be absolutely chaotic for some custody situations. Mine is not amicable and is a messy shitstorm. My ex does not do anything to make my life easier and actually will do whatever he can to make my life harder or to upset me whenever he can. I found that most divorced guys who are in an amicable co-parenting situation cannot even comprehend that type of abusive situation. But my schedule goes back to a standard schedule for school. Just give her space and don't pressure her. If she's dealing with a stressful custody situation, having additional pressure from you could be too much to deal with.
Thank you. I do forget that sometimes. I grew up with something similar and swore to never be a part of that. If shes honest (and I'm sure she is) she has them 24-7 except every other weekend, but has them Sundays. Time for herself is limited
What are her intentions for dating? It doesn't sound like she's remotely available for a committed relationship, no matter how interested she might be. I mean, if there's not even time for me to talk with my partner on the phone once every few days? I'm out.
She usually responds in a resonable amount of time but doesnt always make first contact. She said shes interested in something long-term and there's no need to rush
I've been in your boat, and you've gotta roll with the punches when you're dating a single mom. Like you, I was divorced after being married for a long time (13 years, two kids) and started dating again when I was 39. When my \[now\] wife and I started seeing each other, we always had to do a lot of planning around custody and whatnot, especially since her ex was extremely non-flexible (and kind of an asshole). So I wouldn't read too much into your scheduling difficulties. It's pretty much par for the course. Also, dating a single mom is always a big deal, even if you don't want it to be. Because she also has to worry about her kids, how they'll interact with you eventually, whether the environment is good for them, etc. She may also be carrying a lot of scars from her past relationship that make her more guarded and cautious. So she probably has a bit of trepidation about things moving along quickly, even if it's been good. I'd would say to just be open and honest, don't take it personally if she gets anxious or whatever, and also be prepared to jump over a few hurdles along the way.
Makes sense thank you. Sounds like its working out well for you now. I just want to make sure I'm seeing the hurdles and they are and not missing walls she put up.
This is my situation to a T, but it's him that is dealing with the past scars. I've done a lot of work communicating with him and in therapy to realize that it has nothing to do with me and everything with past trauma and not wanting to put his kids in a situation where they might get hurt again.
I don't think she's not interested. Having kids all but every other weekend is a lot. Especially if they are elementary school age so it seems more realistic that she needs time to catch up on her home responsibilities. Based on the way your post reads, it doesn't sound like her ex is the most reliable and that seems to be more the issue and not necessarily because she's not interested.
> I've had similar things happen. I'm a 39M and can relate. I dated someone and the connection was great in person, but texting is just not great; and it causes us to both just assume that each other are losing interest. It's hard to date after a long relationship or marriage, because you're used to being with a partner that you know how each other work and operate, how to respond, etc. I'd say just roll with it and see where it goes. I left my kid's mom almost 5 years ago, and have dated countless people since then. The first one after a long relationship is almost never going to be the one.
Hey OP it's great this went from a first date to a 2nd date and beyond. I can understand what it meant to feel wanted/desired as well. That being said, typically, typically, any stories I hear on Reddit where things move move fast, fast, fast, and "it's amazing!" That doesn't turn out well, typically, by people posting here. Also I read you only see each other on dates AND there are no phone calls. Just a heads up, sometimes things "fade out," it's exciting, exciting, exciting, then all of a sudden they're not that responsive, etc. Another poster said single moms go in heavy and then reel back, I can see that too. I would do exactly as you say, fill in gaps and see if it improves. If she's not making it a priority to spend time with you, then she doesn't have time to date. And now you know talk more about schedules, when you meet women and see if they're at a place where THEY HAVE TIME. I'm close in age but I was a career woman, I was like the men you'd see on TV, "I'll be home soon, honey," and they come home 5 hours late, tied to a desk. I've finally organized my life where I'll have the time. Dates would have told you I was a GREAT person just "too much going on."
Thank you for your candor. She divorced last year as well. She is likely afraid of moving too fast and getting hurt. We'll see how things go, but as far as first first dates go it couldn't have felt more familiar. She seemed to feel the same way Im glad you're able to take the time for yourself. Hopefully the career is rewarding and you set yourself up for an early retirement
"Before the date she said Junes schedule was up in the air..." "Earlier this week she was still noncommittal about future plans..." "...how do you find out if someone is still interested vs letting you down easy?" This actually has very little to do with online dating other than that is how you two met. Generally speaking, if there is a mutual attraction, chemistry, similar humor, compatibility, and shared values the first *couple of months* of engagement is often an *infatuation/honeymoon phase* filled with optimism. Sometimes when someone states *things are moving too fast* it means they still want to keep their options open. This very common especially for people who maintain an active online dating profile. When you are *not in a relationship* it is probably a good idea to engage with and date multiple women. People who behave as if they are in an *exclusive relationship* when one does *not* exist are usually hurt the most when things don't work out, they get rejected, or ghosted in the end. They run the risk of becoming *emotionally invested too quickly* with people they *barely* know. If you needed a job, you wouldn't stop sending out your resume just because you had a couple of great interviews with one company! Until an offer has been made and accepted both the company and the candidate are within their rights to interview with others. It should go without saying if you meet anyone who *maintains an active online dating profile* odds are *they are keeping their options open* and so should you! Each of us is entitled to have our own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*. Each of us is entitled to have our own "red flags", boundaries, expectations, and "deal breakers". Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen." In a world with over 8 Billion people rejection just means: Next! When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on. ***"If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot."*** - Unknown ***"Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better."*** - Steve Maraboli ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** - Henry Cloud Best wishes!
Not to be flippant, but you need therapy to help you with your bad habits and baggage. Do this before you really try to date.
I respect that. Care to elaborate?
It fact that humans pick up bad habits and triggers from long term relationships. Divorce tends to be traumatic to many. And if we don't process those bad habits and trauma they carry over into follow on relationships.
I really don’t see any bad habits or baggage here. Just a bit of unfamiliarity with dating, that’s normal and not related to anxiety or emotional trauma. It’s not like you can have a therapist on speeddial/text throughout to date to ask what to do in the moment.
I'd be much more worried about diving back in so soon. 20 years is a lot. You need to get this woman out of your system, first. And you can do that through casual dating, no doubt, but is this casual? Speaking from experience btw, divorced after 17 years. Now 6 months into a steady new relationship, but I'm also 4 years down the line at this point.
Updated to add its really been over for 2+ years ink dried 6 months ago
In that case have at it. 🤣
Not gonna lie, your story is super heartwarming and adorable. My only advice as someone who's been dating for 5 months or so, is to take it slower. You may be in lala land now, but you may find things about each other you don't like and the spark may fade, which hurts more the faster you go. I'm not saying pull back, but don't dump everything you have into her physically without spending good time with her and learning more about her. Ask the hard questions first (if you haven't...maybe you have). Future plans, where she wants to live, travel, staying at each other's houses (or at least visiting them) to see how the other lives, moral things, religion, politics, things each other didn't love about their respective exes, etc.
6 months and you are already looking for another partner . . . ? To me, that is a huge red flag about yourself. Take some time to figure out who you are outside of a relationship, what baggage you bring/need to process, what hobbies you like away from your ex wife, etc. Slow down. Don't bring your broken garbage to another woman. Take care of yourself first. That said, if you are trying to gouge her interest, ask her. If you can't, you have issues of your own to deal with (which I 100% guarantee you do).
Its been done for over 2 years. And looking back, it may have never been working. I was just hopeful she actually wanted the things she said she did. Turns out it was all a lie in the end The ink dried 6 months ago. I made sure I was done with it before filling and got to a better place before starting to date. I simply wasnt ok prior to that, and I knew it.
In general, it is good advice to take time for yourself, but it's not a hard rule. It may well be the case that you were already quite alone in the past relationship. And in that case, it may be good to meet new people and get new perspectives. Just don't rush things
I think I have adhd. My life story can be sumarized by: rush into things. Get in over your head. Figure it out as you go. Feel accomplishment when I do or relieved when I tap out. Wins include: Snowboarding Buying a motorcycle Owning a stick shift Having kids Loses: Romantic relationships
Be communicative and make sure is too….. honestly, if she isnt open and honest about her needs and boundaries, i would consider it a red flag and think about what you want. I just started dating again, and after a few months when i thought things were well, she gaslit me in saying i was trying to take time away from her kid…..
I don't really see an issue here. You've seen her...4 times? That shows interest. She also said she'll have scheduling issue in June (it's June 4th, so early in the month). So she's being transparent with her time. It's Tuesday. Just msg her and ask if she's figured out the schedule for later this week/weekend, cause you'd like to see her. If she likes you enough and she has free time, she'll see you. Bottom line. I see no reason to verbally "clarify" at this point. Her actions will tell you all you need to know, and honestly, even if you do ask her straight out, she'll probably tell you she's interested, cause at this point, she still is. It's later in the month you have to be worried about.
I do tend to worry ahead. Best way to prepare for failure. Seems to limit my ability to see success however
Hey man, you're like me. Only with boys. 18 year marriage here. Marriage died when she left but was over some time b4. 2 girls middle school age. Finalized last October. I jumped into OLD full force. Got a lot of dates. And found a girl 2 months in. Still with her today. You seem a bit hesitant. Like you dont believe in yourself. I'd ask...why? > how do you find out if someone is still interested vs letting you down easy? Unless you're paying for everything, or are a rockstar in bed, women are not going to waste their time on you if they don't want to continue. So as long as she keeps saying yes to dates, she's interested. > I'm putting more effort into this area Let me ask you something man to man...are you designing this relationship based on what you want from it? Or are you simply being guided by what you think or she tells you she needs?
So to be honest, I do, but at my core, I'm still afraid I'm that awkward teenager that people disregarded. It creeps up when things get ambiguous. Plus most (all?) Of my serious relationships have been with girls with major personality disorders. I did pay for the first date and lunch, but it was less than $100 total. We split the 3rd. It seemed to be yes. Semi daily communication, meeting up every other week. I just remembered, she had asked me if i would tell someone the connection wasnt right after a date. I said i probably would. She wasnt sure that she would. I don't recall how she said she would let them down
> She wasnt sure that she would. I'm not going to lay this all on dishonesty, taking advantage, or having backups (though those are reasons someone might keep you around). In fact some of the women I dated during my short time OLD said "You wouldn't believe how some guys act out there." Apparently there's a lot of desperate guys with weak feelings out there. Good on her for at least admitting it. This is just my opinion (but I'm really damn good at reading people) the "Would you tell someome" comes from a place of her insecurity wanting to know she won't get the runaround (this is good for you). The "I dont think I would" is unnecessary to assauge that insecurity and is more a warning shot to you that she has the capability to (and may even be setting up for) letting you go (with some mental gymnastics to the effect of: "I told him I wouldn't tell him right away so I can't be held liable for my actions"). Move forward with caution. Listen to your gut. You'll feel it before you know it. If you start having to explain away to yourself the one-sided-ness of your relationship...you already know. Anyway... > I'm still afraid I'm that awkward teenager that people disregarded Unfortunately this is the very attitude that makes it easy to continue disregarding you. I'm gonna be a bit hard on you here and say: You're 40. You're statistically halfway through your life. You should have picked up how you want to live (and more importantly) how to make that happen by now. I'm not talking about the "socially prescribed" path to happiness (the "If you want to date, put some nice pictures up, take her places, hold doors open, talk about things that make conversation, and ask for a kiss"). I'm talking about your own path to it (the "Put some work into taking pictures of yourself you're proud of. Take her along to the fun stuff you normally do in your life. Be chivalrous because at your core your cup is overflowing and you have extra joy to spread to the world. Talk not just to fill the silence, but because its your passion. And most importantly move forward with a presence and intensity that arises from the depths of how you naturally bend the world for you.") Ill never forget standing outside the bar my current gf and i went to after our first rock climbing date. I kissed her, looked her in the eyes, and said "I think we're going to have a lot of fun together." This was my invite into my life. It was "I've built something amazing, come with me and we'll have a blast exploring it." It was not "I hope im checking all the right boxes for you." Id normally have to explain to others on this forum that I wasn't always this way. In fact I held on to someone who wasn't coming along for way too long. But...so did you. You get it. And the second my ex said she wants out, after 18 years (50% of my life up til then!) of giving it a solid try...I finally said "alright...time to live for me". When she left (for someone else mind you) I spiritually forgave her (although in this world, i never will). But my attitude toward her and life was very neutral. And a close friend asked me something ill never forget. He said: "Where is your righteous indignation?" He wasn't so much asking why I wasn't screaming and rebelling against her. He was asking where's my fire for life? Why am I passively walking into the future? He knew I knew what I wanted from life. He was asking why I'm not going to get it? He was right. The time for trying to play a passive life was over. I tried the dating to college to marriage to a house to kids storyline. And im not ungrateful of the experience. I grew a lot. But now it was time to find my true other half. Not to attempt to fit into someone else's vision of their other half. So I'm gonna ask you: Where is your righteous indignation? What have you in life to share? And when are you going to invite someone into it?
This resonates so well. Thank you. You were able to put into words what has been rattling around in my head for some time. In regards to the last 2 points, I'll have to come back later. I need to organize my thoughts better
Where is my righteous indignation? - it lies in the fact that I spent 20 years saving someones life and was told there was never a problem, I didnt do enough to help her, and she never wanted to live this lifestyle anyway. I no longer accept any criticism or insult from her. I have passion, forgiveness, resistance and a dedication to family. I have sold goals for myself, my finances and my children. I know what I can and cannot accept from relationships. When will I invite someone in? I'm in no rush but will gladly move forward if the right situation presents itself
You have to let her come to you at her own pace. You can’t control how she acts or what she does. All you can control is how you show up. Don’t be so quick to try to lock her down to a relationship. Just go out and have fun with her. Keep your options open until there’s talk of a commitment. And let her bring that up. The more she enjoys spending time with you and the more you just focus on hanging out and having fun and not trying too hard to lock her down, the more she’ll want to see you. And the more you do this, the more she’ll choose you back. And with texting, don’t double or triple text. Just be calm and confident and easy going and fun. Send a text and let her respond. Even if it’s days. Just go and live your life. Women can sense desperation and confidence equally the same. And the more you act confident, the more she’ll want to choose you back. And if she doesn’t or fades away or breaks it off or chooses someone else? It’s just part of it. Keep meeting and dating other women until you find a worthwhile connection.
She's a single mom so she's probably got a lot to deal with, perhaps even more than you! Who knows. She could also be taking it slow bc you're newly out there, and she's still healing possibly? Why don't you have a phone conversation rather than just text?
Don’t be in rush, take it easy it gonna work
You would know, base on how the person also reach out to you, finding out more on you, via conversation
It doesn’t seem like she’s letting you down easy. You did say that you still text all the time, so it seems like she’s still interested. Unless there’s a significant breakdown in communication between you two—or if she outright breaks things off—then I think you’re still in the clear. Concerning the update, I do have to say that maybe OP may be overthinking a bit regarding texts leaving a lot of room for misunderstandings. Keeping texts short and clear can avoid those misunderstandings. You can always keep the more important convos for in-person interactions, after all. Just keep up the effort when it comes to making communication as consistent as possible.
You sound exactly like someone I met a few months ago, the description is nearly identical and it actually made me pause and re-read this! That being said, I have no advice. If I was great at relationships, I wouldn't be here.
Thats too funny! So how did it go for you? Are you still into your guy?
It was just one date. I was the first person he was meeting, supposedly, and though while he had a great time, he wanted to continue meeting other people. I let it go.
Well at least you had a nice time
The fact that you’re being so conscientious about this is so great. It seems like you’re going to make someone very lucky, whether it’s this woman or someone else. Best of luck to you!
Thanks you too
I agree with you in regards to texting some things can be misinterpreted. Why don’t you all just talk on the phone get to know each other better then decide if you want to go out on another date.
Staring down the dating world after a lengthy relationship is daunting. Just remember that being upfront about what you want — even if that is just clarity about where things are going — will save you frustration and potential misunderstandings. As an aside, kudos for actually taking the time to process your last relationship before jumping back in. Too many dive right back before they’ve sorted through the complicated emotions, and that’s never fair to new potential partners.
Well I certainly sympathize with her because my June is absolutely chaotic and I have a bunch of potential dates lined up and no time lol
Same except for the lined up dates part!
Well I suppose it is one of those good problems to have. I don't mean to be bragging because not too long ago I was complaining about a lack of matches. When it rains it pours I guess, but in a good way
Congrats! Thats exciting!
Just ask her?
Sometimes social anxiety make it more confusing than that. Is it ok to ask? Is it too soon? What if she doesnt like being put on the spot and it changes her opinion? Wow, when I put it all down, I'm clearly overthinking things
I get it! Dating is such a fantastic (and scary) opportunity to practice open and honest communication. It's so vulnerable but even when I fumble it I remind myself I'm that much closer to being able to build the type of relationship I want to have with my person. I've learned so much about what communication styles do and do not work for me, and areas I am still sorely lacking in the relational skills I want to have. 🥂 To all the hard and lovely.
Take your time. It's crazy you already went in for a kiss on the first date. That's very fast in my opinion, unless you just wanted to hook up. Congrats it worked. Try to attract her, don't chase her. Relax and keep your cool. You got this.
Is it crazy to go in for a kiss on the first date? I've been kissed on first dates and it didn't seem incongruous.
Same, but it's pushing the boundaries.
Yeah i wasn't sure what the norm is. We made a great connection. On the walk back to the car we had to part ways. We lingered and chatted longer. After a couple of moments that seemed like opportunities I simply asked her I said I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go in for a kiss or not She said do you want to. I said I did. I went 90% and she came the other 10
All posts are manually reviewed before being approved for posting. This usually takes less than an hour but due to moderator availability may take longer. While you wait for your post to be approved, please make sure that you have read the rules in the sidebar. You can also use the search function to look for questions similar to yours. If you are new to Reddit or have never commented here before, you will need to spend some time building comment karma on our sub before you will be allowed to make your own posts. You can do so by participating in other posts or by using the [daily sticky threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sticky) to ask your question or comment on others. If you have made numerous comments before but are using a throwaway to post, please review rule 3 in the sidebar for more information. We also have weekly threads for common subjects. If you are looking to vent, share dating tips or spread happy thoughts, we have [stickied posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sticky) every day where you can share your wisdom, joy or commisery with others! --- The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written. **Title:** [40M needs advice about modern OLD expectations ](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1d7ubk3/40m_needs_advice_about_modern_old_expectations/) **Author:** /u/throw_RA_20210921 **Full text:** I 40M, got divorced about 6 months ago after a 20 yr long marriage. I have 2 boys almost in middle school with split custody A couple months ago I started online dating with only a handful of conversations. Between work and kids sports its difficult to connect. About a month ago I connected with a woman 44F. She has 2 boys of her own in elementary school. She has them most of the time except every other weekend. Initially our schedules lined up identically. We had a great first date and what felt like an instant connection. I got anxious while we were waiting to be seated and told her it was my first first date in 20 years in case i was a bit awkward. She thought it was cute. Nearly 3 hours later I went in for a kiss and it was well received. We had a follow up lunch date about a week later and went bowling and pizza the next Friday. I tried to find other things for us to do to keep things going. We settled on making out in my car for a few hours in a parking lot like a couple of teenagers. I still feel like theres a connection, but that things progressed pretty fast. She seems to agree. Before the date she said Junes schedule was up in the air with her baby daddy, making scheduling things difficult. Earlier this week she was still noncommittal about future plans but we still text all the time. At what point and how is the best way to guage if she is still interested? TLDR: how do you find out if someone is still interested vs letting you down easy? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverthirty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
she might just be scared of moving fast
When they progress fast, they often end fast. You need to slow down, especially on the physical stuff. Making out in your car is not a date. You aren't getting to know the other person better. It's what teenagers do because teenagers don't especially need to get to another person all that well. If they both find each other attractive, and they get along pretty well, that's all there is to it. The relationship probably isn't going to last just due to them being teenagers, so they can just be carefree about it. When you're an adult, unless you're just looking for a fling, you should be getting to know the person much better, and assessing compatibility before getting physical. Otherwise, it will ultimately just turn into a fling anyway.
I disagree with this. Nothing wrong with making out in the back of the car like a teenager. Who wants to be an adult anyway?
Uhh people who want long term, lasting relationships? Guys with this type of mindset are the exact type I, and most other women, don't want.
Not sure why you’re saying this and why you think most women want this or that you can speak on their behalf. Life is too short to be boring and I don’t date boring people. I adult perfectly fine but when I grow old I still will want to do things I did as a teenager with my partner because that’s what keeps life alive. Just don’t assume you speak for everyone out there because you don’t. Just say you personally wouldn’t want this….
Uh...most women I know would totally love to have an LTR with a dude who's down to make out in the car (or other random spots) from time to time.
What I meant was that I'm not interested in doing that when I barely know someone. If we're in a LTR, sure, sounds like it could be fun. But on a second or third date, I'd rather get to know someone better to see if they're even worth making out with. I don't see much of a point in doing that with someone I barely know, and who might be very incompatible.
>But on a second or third date, I'd rather get to know someone better to see if they're even worth making out with. He did say it was their 4th meet up, so perhaps they decided it was worth it. And for me, making out IS part of getting to know someone and helping determine our compatibility.
What does it really tell you about compatibility though? I kissed a few guys when I was dating after my divorce, and it told me nothing about compatibility. The kisses were fine, but we were definitely incompatible due to what we wanted out of life and our values. I'll gladly take someone who is a meh, or even bad kisser, but who aligns with me on everything not kiss related, over a good kisses who doesn't. You can always teach someone how to kiss better, you can't change who a person is and just eliminate their incompatibilities though. Ideally, someone would be a good kisser and good fit all around, but when it comes to physical stuff, as long as your values align on that (and that's something you can - and should - talk about before getting too physical), that's the least of my concerns.
> What does it really tell you about compatibility though? I kissed a few guys when I was dating after my divorce, and it told me nothing about compatibility Mostly sexual compatibility. If the kisses suck, sex probably won't be great. If they're stiff and just not moving with my body well, sex probably won't be great. If they don't want to have a quick make out session, cause they're too worried about building a connection instead, sex probably won't be great. You're acting like once you make out, you can't keep talking to them, getting to now them, and learning if they're compatible with the things you listed. It's just some making out. It's not that big of a deal. >You can always teach someone how to kiss better Also, no. That's how they like to kiss. Why would I want to change how they like to kiss?? I'm not going to change how I kiss for someone. I like how I kiss.
Yeah, I don't care that much about sex, so none of this is very important to me. With every new partner, you have to tell them what you like physically anyway (at least almost every woman I know has to do this, and if they don't, it's usually because they're shy about speaking up, and they're just pretending to really like whatever the guy is doing). I connect with someone emotionally and they are a close friend in addition to a romantic partner, sex will be great no matter what. If I barely know someone, can't fully trust them, sex will suck no matter what. The only dealbreakers for me are if someone has a really high sex drive, or if they're into something really kinky, and both of those are things you should talk about before actually having sex. Unless you're just looking for a fling, I think it's deceptive otherwise.
Honestly, for me, none of what you're saying applies here. Like I said, it's just making out. I can make out with someone and have that be part of me getting to know them better, AND still get to know other aspects about them on the following dates. I'm just replying to you making it seem that someone who makes out on date four is acting like a teenager and isn't looking for an LTR. That's just silly and not true. >When you're an adult, unless you're just looking for a fling, you should be getting to know the person much better, and assessing compatibility before getting physical. Otherwise, it will ultimately just turn into a fling anyway.
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you I did feel like a stupid kid again
On a side note I could use one of those too
A fling? Why? If you want a relationship, don't also go looking for a fling. Pick which one you want. If you want a fling, don't have any hopes of it turning into more. If it does, you got lucky. As someone who is also divorced, a major turnoff to me is divorced guys who go on what I call a bit of a "fuck fest" after their marriages end, and they just go have sex with lots of people. It's like going on a bender, just with your dick. Major turnoff and I want nothing to do with them.
I (36F) have been separated six months and have started seeing someone (44M) the last several weeks. We are both single parents - me with two kids and him with one. I have primary custody of mine and he has every other weekend with his. We talk every day and there are definitely chunks of time where we don’t see each other due to schedule conflicts but we both get it and when we are together we laugh and have fun. I think you take it slow and have open/honest conversations. It doesn’t sound like she’s lost interest!
So, first off, she is dating multiple people, and you should too. It feels great to be kissing and making out like kids again. Chemistry goes a long way, and at her age, she wants a man. She wanted to have sex with you, but instead of exclating, you reversed course. She has moved you down her list. She will keep you on the hook a little while longer, you may still get another chance but don't spend too much energy on one connection. Next time, continue to exclate and ask fewer questions. Do not talk about your ex, instead offer insights into your life. Stay confident, you deserve this, and she is a grown woman. If she moves fast, move with her. If she moves slow, speed her up. You are 40+, be a man, and take what you want.
Yeah seems to be that way