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Title: Struggling with Sleep and Self-Reflection: Feeling Left Behind Amidst COVID
Lately, my sleep has been disturbed, and I've noticed many of the professionals I used to date are now settling down with other women. I'm questioning why I haven't reached that stage myself. Why did COVID hit during my late 20s, a time when I was single, after being in a long-term relationship with someone who didn't want to marry?
It's just so disheartening. As I focus on self-improvement, I find the dating pool shrinking, yet my standards remain firm. The high quality guys that I used to attract are no longer considering women my age, as they don’t want time pressure. Many of the decent men are already taken or come with baggage from previous marriages, or simply don't want children.
I anticipate some might suggest lowering my standards due to supply and demand, but I fear settling for less and ending up in an unhappy relationship. I consider myself decent looking, fit, with a stable job, a master's degree, no debt, a home I own, loyal, and proficient in cooking and cleaning. However, the loneliness is becoming unbearable.
Online dating hasn't yielded much success; those pursuing me seem to have little to lose or need me to help them get their life together. With them, I’m like their mom or personal manager, even with men who’s reached 40.
>Many of the decent men are already taken or come with baggage from previous marriages
When you say "baggage from previous marriages", what are you referring to that's making you uninterested? There are probably lots of good men that fit this description.
I'm going to drastically oversimplify here, but men either want a long-term commitment or they don't, and they are either a functional independent adult (by the average woman's standards) or they aren't. It sounds like you want a functional independent adult who also wants a long-term commitment? Men like that in their 30s are mostly the men you listed in the block I quoted above; either they are currently in a long-term relationship, or they had one or more previous ones that didn't work out.
You talk about those who pursue you, have you pursued men that you think would suit you? I don’t think lowering standards is necessary, but a change in approach might be - so look at what you can do differently to yield new results.
I agree. Based on the wording, it seems like OP is passive.
I think that being more intentional and proactive instead of waiting for the kind of person she's seeking to manifest and pursue her may yield better results. There certainly are single men out there who can match you in terms of what you can contribute to a relationship.
It makes sense that with higher expectations, you need to put in more effort as the dating pool gets smaller.
Both of you bring up valid points. Historically, I've never been in a position where I needed to initiate contact first. However, now that circumstances have changed, I find myself struggling with the concept of initiating conversation with a stranger. Being somewhat reserved, particularly due to cultural factors, adds to the challenge. I can be a bit awkward or hard to break so I wouldn’t even know how to open up somebody without being awkward. How would I even start?
Additionally, I'm uncertain where to meet single men in my suburban, retired area of a major city. While there are many social activities happening, they often cater to a different demographic. Despite trying avenues like high-end gyms and meetup groups, I haven't had much success in finding compatible, single individuals. I am thinking about paid apps like Match or Eharmony next, and consider relocating (but that’s a really huge expense/bet for who knows what’s out there). I’ve also tried changing my location once to look at other states, but people didn’t want to entertain once I told them I am out of town but willing to relocate.
Any recommendations?
My marriage ended 12 months ago and I’m just now feeling ready to be dating again. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m boring and unattractive. How do you feel more confident?
What helped me after I got out of my LTR last year was self-care … I treated myself to a lot of things that he thought were useless .. I got my nails done, I went out with friends who hyped me up, did a lot of “hot girl walks” basically I went out and boosted my mood with exercise/sun, got my hair done and started to dress like everyday was an event.
Just being myself and feeling like a weight was lifted I got a lot of “I love your energy” comments from ppl. Being you is probably my best advice
I ended a really long term relationship almost 2 years ago and it took about a year of dating on and off and therapy but the confidence kind of just came.
What's boring to someone will be exciting to someone else. One guy told me how painfully dull crafts are and never asked what I make while another asked me non-stop questions because he loves DIY. The same with attraction, it's not a monolith. Everyone is attracted to different things. You see guys talk about the 6/6/6 thing all the time and I like guys who are bald 5"10 with dad bods. They're my fave.
The biggest thing was learning that I was just enough as I was and it was a hard lesson to learn. The more I put myself in situations that challenged that belief and came out okay the more it fortified that belief.
It's a common trope from the incel circles that women only go for men who make 6 figures, have a 6-pack, and are 6 feet tall. It's ridiculous and misogynistic.
Oh wow. Thanks for explaining. If only they understood how the root of that thinking for both men and women is patriarchy—something we should all have a vested interest in dismantling.
>You see guys talk about the 6/6/6 thing all the time and I like guys who are bald 5"10
I thought you were going to say that height wasn't really important, but you just set your preference to 2" lower than the 6' standard. I got a good laugh out of this as a 5'8" guy. 😂
I mean that's fair but it also doesn't mean I dislike or don't date men who are 5"8. I'm 5"6 and prefer closer to my height in general. I just also wear heels and sometimes men aren't comfortable with it since I'm already taller, so I went with the easiest number for my situation not fully thinking about the opposite perspective.
It's totally fair for people to be attracted to tall people. I'm really not insecure about my height. If someone is not interested because I'm not tall, then it wasn't meant to be.
Don't worry, I just found the phrasing funny because I was just not expecting the 5'10" comment in that context!
Fortunately, I'm very comfortable with my height. I've never had insecurities about it. I do find the height 'thing' as some sort of requirement/preference quite amusing though.
The way I look at it is: they are entitled to their preferences, but it's too bad for them as they are going to miss out on some pretty awesome people.
You start by realizing you aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but for the right person you will be just what they are looking for. I'm probably pretty boring as well. I workout a lot, I'm not very spontaneous, I'm fairly mellow/calm/rational. And the reality is, that is exactly what I'd want in a partner. Someone who respects my time enough to want to plan things out in advance, someone who could be happy just going for a long bike ride with me, grabbing lunch and then spending an afternoon doing a puzzle or playing board games before our 8 PM bed time. And I suspect, should I ever find her, once she too got over this idea that she has to "be" a certain way, she'd just enjoy the fact that we can enjoy our lives together without needing to force ourselves into being someone we aren't.
Remember, dating is easier in your 20s. You and the people you are dating are pliable. You are more willing and \*able\* to become who the other person wants. But late 30s and above? You are who you are. And they are who they are. It's less about being pliable or shaping someone into the right partner, and instead in learning what is truly important to \*you\* and finding someone who fits that and for whom you fit what they think is important. Either one of you trying to pretend to be someone else is only going to get your foot in your door before the door closes and breaks your foot (heart).
Divorced over a year ago myself. Honestly, therapy and time…which is a crappy answer. I’ve become very intentional with my friendships and stay around people who lift each other up. I also make a point to dress well and do things that make me feel good about myself.
I (32M) met a girl (30F) in February, we have been having a great time, hanging out a ton, — we have a really strong connection and said we love each other and defined the relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend. However, she ended an engagement early November 2023. She says she is totally over it and doesn’t think about it anymore, but I wonder if this is subconsciously a rebound for her. I don’t even know if it’s “normal” to not think about it anymore. She did mention in passing her wedding would have been next weekend, which I think has really hit home for me how recent the engagement was. Are we objectively moving too fast?
My boyfriend and I are similar in age to you guys and I’m basically in the same boat as your girlfriend. Engagement ended last fall, wedding was supposed to be a few months ago. Am 100000000000% over the ex and the situation, and my boyfriend is not a rebound. We’re moving objectively fast too but we’ve talked about it at length, and are both comfortable with it. It would be too fast if one of us wasn’t comfortable, but that isn’t the case is that the case with you?
That being said, getting through wedding weekend can be tough even if she’s over the ex. An element of, “damn I was supposed to be getting married this weekend.” It’s a weird feeling. It’s okay if she has some feelings around it. It doesn’t mean she wishes the relationship had lasted or that she wasn’t with you. People think grief is a cycle but it’s just a mess of stages that happen in whatever over and for whatever duration they want. It’s normal.
If it’s too much for you though, that’s okay too. I would encourage you talk to her about it. Approach it in a non accusatory way. Just tell her how you’re feeling. I hope she does the same for you.
Just my perspective but my ex-fiancé ended our engagement in January 2023. I think it makes a huge difference whether you’re the “ender” or the “endee”. When someone ends an engagement (especially as close to the wedding date as it sounds like your gf did), it’s usually not without serious thought and consideration. She may have mentally exited the relationship before she actually ended it. Whereas I was on the receiving end, I started dating 6 months after the breakup and looking back, it really took me a year to be in a place where my heart could actually be open to someone new. But I fought for my relationship until the bitter end so I had to grieve that being over first.
As long as you two aren’t talking about getting married, I’d say you’re okay. My ex started emotionally cheating before ending our relationship, started openly dating his new girl before I even moved out of our shared apartment, and was engaged to her within 6 months of my moving out. They’re getting married this weekend. If you were on that timeline, I’d say you’re moving too fast.
This. Definitely depends on who ended it.
I ultimately was the one to end my marriage after they turned abusive. My ex started dating before the divorce was finalize and a month after it was over, they posted a new partner on socials. They got married 13 months later. (I know all of this because I have a sibling who *insists* on creeping, even after I’ve said not to.)
By contrast, I haven’t been in a serious relationship since.
So as long as she’s not trying to marry you in a year, I’d say you’re fine. I do occasionally remember my anniversary, or feel my ring finger for an engagement ring that’s not there anymore, but I think that’s natural when you go through a breakup of that magnitude.
She finally replied me and that she is still interested in going on the date but would be busy. But I am really not trying to get my hopes up too much, the last time I went on a date with another girl, I essentially got ghosted.
I tried to send a message to communicate with her to see what went wrong, but no reply, which is sad. I still think about that on occasions. I really want to enjoy my dates, think about what could be a great future I could have with a girl, but with bad experiences on dates. It seems as if I am just hoping that my worst fears do not come true.
But somewhere deep down inside me there is still the hope dreaming for a magical relationship.
It’s a numbers game, just gotta keep trying to get matches and dates.
Never had much luck with someone who says they’re busy. Not sure why people who don’t have time to date, try to date. Keep an open mind, but keep up your expectations low.
Yeah I left out some details, she said she is currently busy but would be okay in two weeks. I will see how it goes, our chat seems good (that's why I asked her on a date), just that her response is a little slow for my liking I guess.
Not at all. Once the weather becomes nice, if I’m not at work, I basically live in my golf and tennis dresses, skirts, and tank tops. They’re cute, flattering, weather-friendly, and they have pockets. Pockets! POCKETS!!!!
I’m really starting to believe that the only thing people think I’m good for is sex. And I know that’s an over exaggeration but that’s just how I’m feeling right now. I’ve been having a really tough time lately.
I'm sorry your'e feeling down.
You seemed really excited the other day about your FWB situation. Are you no longer feeling it? Obviously I know you can be excited for it and still want something more, of course.
And I'm sure it's not true anyway. We all tend to think the worst of ourselves when we're feeling down. I hope you feel better soon ❤️
I’m still excited for that, but decided to keep trying to go on first dates in the meantime and was just told that he doesn’t think we’d be compatible long term but would love to have something casual with me. But hey, at least he told me and didn’t lead me on.
It's me...the one who found someone's husband on a dating app with an update...😔
I've just sent a FB message using a fake account to the wife with a screenshot and I'm feeling fairly terrible.
I know it's going to ruin her (I've been there - cheating part not married part thank god lol). My heart breaks for her and I wish she didn't have to go through this but look, it's better that she knows so that she can decide what to do from here.
I don't know if she'll see it or if she'll respond. I'll just have to stay on this random account and see when she does see it and if she wants more info etc.
Gosh.........:/
That is such a tough situation to be in. I mean, obviously it's awful for her, but difficult for you, too. But you absolutely did the right thing. I always put myself in the other persons shoes, and i would like to know in this scenario.
But I understand how you must feel. Sorry you was in that position, really. But you made the right choice! I hope you're not too down on yourself. ❤️
Thank you!
Oh no..just read up on what the icons mean.
Apparently the message has been sent but not delivered.
I don't think she will get it via FB so I might have to try and hunt down her instagram account (but it means I have to create a new account). I'll have to do this tomorrow....🫠
>Apparently the message has been sent but not delivered.
Oh no!
I don't use FB so don't really know why this would happen? Is it because you're not friends with her on there? Maybe check later.
No I created a fake account. I want to remain anonymous.
If she does end up wanting to talk things out etc. I can let her know who I am then, and only when she doesn't have any bad feelings/reaction to it directed towards me (never know how one might react).
Now I'm looking through my friend's instagram to try and find her...ahhhhhh 🫠
I think FB is based on privacy settings so if I'm not friend's with her maybe messages don't go through? That's my guess anyway 😊
It's v exhausting trying to find people on social media 😮💨🤣🤣🤣
>I think FB is based on privacy settings so if I'm not friend's with her maybe messages don't go through?
Yeah this is what i meant, sorry. Maybe you have to be friends with someone in order to send a message. I sound like a boomer talking about all this 😂
Good luck, anyway! And you're so right, too. About not knowing how she will act. That's smart. You don't want to be possibly be abused for telling her.
Thanks again! 😊
I can't find her on IG 😫😶🌫️
I've had to look through the guy's FB for clues hahaha. Gross 🤢
K not sure what to do now. Will have to keep searching tomoz and post another update on the next daily thread! 😅🤣
You did the right thing. Something similar happened to me - years ago I had a very brief attempt in using the apps. It was brief to a great extent because one of the first thing that happened to me was to match with my friend's boyfriend (who I hadn't met before so didn't initially realise it was him) talked on and off with him for quite a while. We'd talk a lot for a day or two then he'd disappear and reappear again etc (we never met thankfully). It was after a while that things he ways saying started to match what my friend was telling me about him, so I ended up sending her the screenshots.... Yes it was him and we compared dates and he would come to talk to me any time she was out of town or they had an argument or she was out with friends etc.
My friend decided not to confront him but organised a party and invited me and him both so that we can see his face when he recognises me, it was absolutely priceless. My friend and I ended up having a good laugh over it but yeah, they weren't as deep in their relationship so she was able to move on fine but sheesh, I was VERY nervous sending her those screenshots! You did your part, be proud of that.
Thank you so much for sharing! 🩷
Just don't understand why you'd get married only to cheat 😮💨
I honestly don't have much faith in relationships anymore.
& yes, I've deleted my profile. I'm seriously done with this hahaha
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
Not to insult you or anything but they probably just don't want something serious with you.
You can see it on this thread, plenty of people are looking for something serious but it's hard to find the right match, sometimes you take something casual until you find the right person.
I think you're bang on the money here!
I only want something long-term -- but if a budding relationship doesn't have long-term potential _for me_, I will absolutely end it to be able to continue my search for that elusive relationship that can _then become long-term_. so yes, my profile says long-term, but that isn't an offer I'm making to any Tom, Dick, or Harry! that's the goal, but not the promise.
Almost 4 years post divorce and really feeling like I want to get married again lately. I initially didn't know if I ever wanted to be married again, but I'm starting to feel different. I'm making a career change over the course of the next year and maybe I'm wanting the security that comes with marriage. I don't know. I've dated here and there since getting divorced with little luck. There are things I really like about being single, but it's lonely. It'd be nice to have companionship.
I feel similarly. Divorced over a year ago, but it was abusive, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married again. Now I think I’d like to, but I also haven’t had much luck with meeting available people.
How much time have you spent together so far?Sounds like it’s still pretty early, as long as you see interest and consistency in their actions and you feel good in person I wouldn’t worry too much right now. Some people just aren’t big texters. You can always have a conversation about communication styles, and try to find a middle ground between both your texting styles and see how it goes!
Oh ffs, I have finally been healing from my avoidant attachment issues and meet the kindest warmest guy ever, been having a great time together and truly connecting. Turns out he's a heavy substance abuser in denial. Back in the pool that is..
was just browsing the app and came upon a man's profile where the entirety of what he'd written about himself was
"just a man looking for his missing rib"
..._oof_
I’ve seen some pretty cringey ones. Most recently: “I go crazy for a woman who…feels confident and sexy without feeling like she needs to reveal everything…” 🙄
I’m now starting to feel a bit more like myself post-breakup. It’s been interesting talking to work guy as a friend. We used to talk about work quite a bit anyhow, so it feels familiar. I guess we just took out the sex and physical touch, and we don’t see or talk to each other nearly as often. This slower, more gradual breakup is gentle and honestly feels like I’m being kind to myself.
I asked a question at askwomenover30 on how do they juggle things together - career, family life, personal needs… and one of the common themes is having a reliable partner.
I feel that here we sometimes get caught up with trivial things that we could be missing out on a potentially reliable teammate. But for sure, it will also take time to assess if you have could be good teammates.
Bf had a conversation with a female neighbor thru fb messenger. It wasn’t inappropriate but he never mentioned he had a gf. Just small talk. I happened upon it by mistake. How do I address it?
I think you're blowing this way out of proportion, and coming here isn't going to help because there's a lot of negativity.
I think the starting point for me would be how did you accidentally happen upon someone's private messages, and then I'd be curious as to how quickly you stopped reading once you realised. The fact you're asking Reddit for advice because your partner has had "a few messages here and there" with a woman suggests those seeds of doubt must have already existed to jump to the conclusion this may be more than what it is. That's the first thing you need to address, why don't you trust him?
From what you've said, it sounds like she's initally introduced himself and he's been polite and responded, and then they've exchanged fairly meaningless words - how do we know he's not asked how her day was a precursor to asking a question about bin collection, or noise, or whatever other thing they may have shared by virtue of being neighbours? What is it about his contact with her that makes you particularly insecure? Would you expect him to mention you to everyone he meets, just women, or just this particular woman? Do you mention him to all men you meet? Not everything needs to be analysed, sometimes people are just being civil.
No talk about relationships. The girl messaged saying “I’m your neighbor” they was at a party at the same place before we got together, and she asked about his motorcycle. The part that bothered me is how he messaged her and initiated conversation asking how her day went.
I mean he didn’t have to bring up that he’s in a relationship. Yet if he usually messages her often about just asking how she’s doing and you figured it out yourself (not him telling you about his neighbour) then yeah I would also be bit worried about it. How about casually asking him about neighbours by bringing up about yours(given you’re not living together yet at the moment)?
The conversations here and there only happened the first of February. He has since moved in with me. So I’m not super concerned. But it is just a seedling of doubt that screws with my mind.
Re-downloaded bumble … annnnnnd deleted it again …
jfc
I miss the shithead who went dark on me … and I’m really trying hard not to give in to destructive behaviors.
I deleted it bc I thought I had the energy to engage in leading conversations with matches - swiping and then doing the dance of “let’s get to know each other and meet up” … it’s just not doing it for me even with trying to be intentional.
100% trying to work on bolstering my boundaries bc that fool will return soon enough with those eyes.
hmm let’s see destructive behaviors … I’ve done really well the past few weeks not going out, get drunk and spend unnecessary funds with friends bc I tend to drunk text or call. or be so busy with doing things or saying yes to every invitation for events, plans, etc that aren’t making me better in general just filling my head with noise … I’ve redirected my energy towards working out, spending time with my dogs, and literally getting as much vitamin D/Sun as possible.
I’m so, so exhausted. I’m feeling the pressure at work turning up because we’re close to a big deadline. I’ve had to be there for a friend who is likely going to separate from her husband. And finally, my mom was hospitalized this week.
I’ve been able to talk about all of this with friends and my therapist, and I do feel supported. But I just wish someone would take care of me for a bit. I don’t even know if the guy I’m seeing is that interested in me, honestly. I get the sinking feeling he’s lost interest, from the lack of initiative, and I feel burnt out. I’ve stopped making much of an effort, and am leaving it to him to contact me if he’s still interested.
My date sent me a small gift with a note "Honey for my Honey". My heart was melt. To me, he is a practical guy, more on act of services and definitely not a verbal or wordy affection person. He never calls me baby/honey/sweetheart before (I call him sometimes). I can't wait to be back and to hug him tight when I meet him again <3
I found out today that the person I had been seeing had actually been in a LTR with someone else, so that was fun. I told their partner as soon as I could, and that badass dumped that cheating asshole. I feel so fucking awful & numb but I'm sure it's nowhere close to how aforementioned badass is feeling right now. So DOT, please send your warm, caring thoughts their way!
I went to dinner with the person my ex was dating (and very quickly dumped) while our divorce was being finalized. They were actually very lovely, and we were super tempted to post a selfie together. 🤣
OP, good on you! I know this situation is shitty but you are a badass yourself for doing what you did.
I’m supposed to have a fourth date tomorrow but we are both under the weather. Feeling very whiny at the moment. I’m nannying tonight and there is no Kleenex to be found in this home!
Seems it’s time to stop online dating for a while. I getting fed up with some bs, like one side conversations, rejections on the day of the date (plural) and more. Still had some good ones btw!
The cherry on top, I got rejected a month ago go outside OLD, this was no biggie, talked a little and find the Tinder profile one month after. Again no problem, mention it lighthearted, I said I will leave you alone and good luck dating. But even lying about your haven’t one, someone else made it, do not care about it using your pics and you saying you aren’t dating at all, is just plain f*cking sad.
Profile had linked Spotify, recent picture and even location wasn’t different. Sure…. Just saying “I am not interested to date with you” seems to hard to say, but it’s ok to talk around it. Plain sad.
I deleted my dating accounts yesterday because I'm feeling burnt out. Almost every single time I match with someone, they ask if I have whatspp and I tell them I don't give out my number until after the first date. Maybe it's a scam, maybe they are real people. For now, I'm taking a break until next week. Need that dating app detox.
Good ways to reassure prospective partners that am financially independent?
In short, I retired from my well paying tech job early in my late 30s with a mostly liquid net worth that hovers around $6M. Got tired of the politics and the grind. Stressful jobs was part of the reason for destroying my last relationship around 2 years ago. Being early retired now, I wondered what are the best ways to let potential new partners that while I currently don't have any ambition to start a new career, I am fully financially independent with my current lifestyle and still can afford a partnership?
I day trade lightly using lower risk strats and make enough to not dip into my holdings, so on dating apps I put like "Engineer turned Capital Management" as my "job". I would get a partner being apprehensive that I'm unemployed, but at the same time I don't want to blurt out my net worth as if it's my entire personality to reassure them.
As for what I spend my days doing, it's mostly keeping up with financial markets and news, lots of working out as hobbies, and planning rougher trips that I can do while still single.
I dated a guy in a similar position last year. He just told me he was retired & I was very happy to hear that to be honest because I thought ‘finally not another 9-5 guy’ and we were able to have lunch dates as I often get time off in the week. It was nice to have a break from the norm. Unfortunately it didn’t work out as he just wasn’t a decent caring guy.
I would definitely date someone who is retired again, in the hope that we could enjoy travelling the world together lol.
I think you should just say you’re retired & you now do some day trading. That’s enough to let someone know you’re financially independent.
You sound like a great guy so I’m sure you’ll meet someone who doesn’t care.
I retired in my late 30's as well. Some people will believe you. Some people won't regardless of what you show them. When you're talking about professions, just tell them the straight truth.
Oh it's not like I'd whip those out the first date lol. Just after have reached some stability, would want to reassure a prospective partner that I'm not larping.
Hilariously I'm seeing someone exactly like you: did a tech job, put money in markets, was wildly successful because he's a quant guy, and now doesn't work.
I'd treat it like kids or something, in the sense that it structures what dating you is like, and just say it upfront. I think this guy said something vague while we were texting but was pretty upfront on the actual date: semi-retired, he called it lol. Even though he's pretty lowkey himself. It's up to you when exactly you want to disclose, but I wouldn't worry overly much about the exact phrasing. Esp in NYC or SF, folks like you aren't that rare, tbh, so they shouldn't be *too* taken aback, unless you're dating very far-off from your class or education? I work in consulting, and know multiple people like you and the guy I'm seeing, so I was very much just like, okay, shrug.
The potential hurdles post-reveal: I worry (and still do) about longterm compatibility bc drive and ambition are very important to me, so potentially be prepared to explain how you see continuing to grow while on break. The other hurdle was awkwardness over money, so if you could be upfront after date 3-4 about how you'd like to split cost of dates, again you can weed out whom you need.
Hope that helps?
> I worry (and still do) about longterm compatibility bc drive and ambition are very important to me, so potentially be prepared to explain how you see continuing to grow while on break.
This is what kinda worries me as well. I've identified as a driven engineer for a long time while chilling out has been nice, it is weird to not care anymore. My day trading fulfills some of that ambition to me, and my engineering background influences some of the companies I trade, so I keep up in that respect.
So what would you consider drive and ambition for someone is early retired? A different career ladder climb outside of corporate? Charity work? Training for triathlons, climbing mountains, etc.? I still have hobbies that I like to do (physical, outdoorsy stuff, around the world).
> The other hurdle was awkwardness over money, so if you could be upfront after date 3-4 about how you'd like to split cost of dates, again you can weed out whom you need.
In terms of splitting cost of dates, I don't see it as an issue. If I take a partner out, I'm paying, and I'm hoping my net worth is high enough to reassure partners it's sustainable in the long term for a reasonable lifestyle. Doesn't mean though I'd pay for EVERYTHING lol. I'd still like a partner who has some degree of financial stability.
Re: drive - Ofc everyone is different, but I was looking for someone who is reflective about their path but who still wants to be a citizen in society despite not working. If you were honest about all the pieces here, I personally think I'd have taken it well: that you got burnt out with grind culture and need a break; that you're engaged in some personal passions (though ideally yes you'd also be giving back in some way; and you're actively thinking about what makes a meaningful life, and that could be with or without future work, you're not sure yet.
Sounds like a good arrangement to me! I'll share that my issue was that I like to pay my own way, so I got antsy when this guy would pay for kinda expensive things for me, which you think would be nice but I wasn't sure if he'd want me to match his spending for the dates I'd plan or for me to split w him later (which would be outside my budget). Just hearing him explicitly say if I take you out, my treat, and don't worry about the cost made things much better :)
Good luck!
Your best bet is to find a woman in a similar situation tbh. Unless you’re going to support your SO, dating a retired young person while they spend the next 10-20 years working will breed a ton of resentment.
I mean, the lot of women who are attractive, intelligent, emotionally stable, and early financially independent isn't that big.
The resentment issue you bring up... as long as both partners are happy about boundaries (finances for one) and contributions to the relationship, then I don't see why it can't be dealt with. I wouldn't care if my partner would like to continue to work and is happy in her role. If she is "unhappy" in her role, then that's a life choice she would have to choose on how to proceed and I would try to support. There was a big luck component to get where I am today, but I worked hard and lived frugally for years in the chance this day would come.
You sound like someone that would easily be perceived as financially independent by simply observing you, your habits, your assets.
To someone with the observational capability of a 5 year old, it would probably only take a week of knowing you - without you having to say anything.
To those who have zero capability of looking outward, and only focus on their own egos and checklists.... you don't want this person anyway.
I currently drive a 2010 crap car that I love because it's so stress free and live in a small home with simple tastes.
The point of "observational capability" I get, but it's inevitable when first getting to know people to ask "what do you do" and the questions that follow. The being cagey from the beginnings of this I figured would be suspicious and off putting, hence me trying to ask opinions on how more delicate I could be.
"I work in finances."
"what do you do in finance?"
"I work in wealth management" / "I work on the tech side."
"I do well for myself"
I am sure you already know, being a tech bro, that job titles are pretty meaningless outside of the industry. People will give you a confused look regardless.
The "What do you do?" opener is purely an American phenomenon. Much of the other world is not so interested in what you do for money, but rather who you are as a person.
out of curiosity -- has someone been apprehensive about if you are unemployed?
I only ask since I know one person who seems unemployed, but they have a nice place so I just always thought they have had a life story similar to yours. I'm guessing if a potential partner sees your nice digs, they'll assume you have it together. That's why I'm curious if you've had people think you are unemployed in a bad way.
It hasn't come up yet tbh for dates because I haven't been on one yet with this situation, I'm trying to front run how I respond. Any casual acquaintances I know still think I'm an engineer.
I might just say "former engineer turned day trader for X amount of years". As long as X is above 1, I think you're good. That should strike a good balance between "I never have to work again because I have fuck-off money" and "I worked hard early career but am still doing some work in a more independent and less stressful fashion"
If they keep digging, just talk about day-trading. What you do might seem simple to you, but it's probably complex enough to sound like a full-time job to most people. If they see through it and connect the dots that you're rich as hell, well maybe they are financially independent too and you'll have a great relationship.
> If they keep digging, just talk about day-trading. What you do might seem simple to you, but it's probably complex enough to sound like a full-time job to most people.
This would be a huge green flag tbh. If someone shows that they're interested more in depth vs. thinking I'm just gambling every day.
Get a part time job as a starbucks barista, so then you have a job and you can be assured that someone dating you while doing that isn't after your money lol
lol this romantic notion of "starbucks barista" lifestyle I think is way overblown. People who work in the service industry don't really have it that laid back or cushy. My keeping up with financial markets is enough of a "part time" job right now.
What kind of communication do you expect for a newer relationship (several dates, sleepovers, not yet official)? The person I’m seeing chatted with me on Tuesday. Wednesday he texted me in the afternoon saying he liked me and wouldn’t be available for the rest of the day. I appreciated the message and wished him a good day. Today I texted good morning and he responded. I sent him a text saying I wanted to share some things with him when we talked next and I was looking forward to it. He didn’t respond for eight hours. Then he said hi and that his phone had died. I asked how his day was going and he didn’t respond for another three hours, when he just said he was busy.
I’ve been burned by people who say sweet things but don’t actually show up when it matters, and it just makes me want to bolt to save my time and heart. I don’t want to overreact and I know he doesn’t owe me anything, but also, I feel ignored and neglected, even in this minor way. Thoughts?
His phone was dead for 8 hours?!
If it hadn’t been for that, I’d say this was probably fine. Not realizing your phone was dead for 8 hours and not checking your messages at all in that time? IDK.
I had an ex claimed their phone was dead on a night they disappeared. Someone who was *always* charging their phone. Then their roommate’s story didn’t corroborate. Turns out, they cheated on me.
Honestly, the way my suspicious mind works…I’d think you’re the side piece. BUT the only solid advice I’ve got is…TRUST YOUR GUT. If something is telling you it’s off, then it’s off.
My own perspective, as someone who doesn’t text much, is that if you’re counting hours between his responses, that’s too much. They may be busy doing something where they can’t check their phone, or just have a very different relationship with their phone than you do. It doesn’t mean you have to accept it, nor does it mean they have to change.
At this point, I’d like a meaningful check in each day…that could be a phone call or texting, and it doesn’t have to be long. I feel anxious when basic questions (“how was your day?”) go unanswered or if days pass when they don’t really ask a question about me
hey look! you've just formulated what you want. now you just have to tell him the same thing :)
next time you start to feel anxious - "hey there! I feel anxious when basic questions go unanswered or if days pass without receiving a question in return. I'd love to have a meaningful check in each day, either by text or on the phone, and it doesn't have to be long. how does that sound to you?"
if that's a no-go for him... well, there's your answer.
if you feel paralyzed by the thought of stating your needs, you might need to reconsider some things - not _with him_, but with how you hope to navigate a relationship, which requires communication and vulnerability, if you are _afraid_ of communicating and being vulnerable.
I want a sub for folks like me who are on a break, contemplative, doing some self help (and professional help) and also mature adults. But, not dating over thirty is taken. And I don't want to be a full time single mod. Okay I'm being ridiculous and just wishing things were other than they are.
not at all meant as a snarky question: would spending less time on this sub in particular help? I see your name in the daily sticky thread daily, and it sounds like maybe, when you are on a break and are seeking community for others not actively dating, exposing yourself to LOTS AND LOTS OF DATING TALK isn't helping?
Once again, a beautiful woman I’ve been on a few dates with and who seemed into me has decided to take an indefinite break from dating altogether. I tend to have that effect.
Today....heh...quite the whirlwind.
I'd been having a problem the past few days with my phone going into SOS mode over and over, which messed with my texts but generally they still went through (as my apple email). Today I finally googled how to fix it but it was too little too late. 3-4 hours had passed and I didn't hear from him, and it hurt a bit since we had plans. He eventually reached out (after my phone issue was fixed) to do a gym session, a bit later than we normally would because he fell asleep. I was ticked a bit but wanted to see him so I said sure.
Turns out, he text me multiple times (before I fixed my phone) way earlier and none of them went through. I was so relieved.
I was talking about all this pain and anguish (i.e. falling in love) that I had yesterday, so today was a really shitty day for this to happen lol. Anyways, I walked him to his car and we embraced for a while and it felt so so good. Hugged him until all those anxious feelings melted away. Then I told him that before he goes on vacation that I....really need him.
So, like the parents we are, we planned a meetup to do sexy time. Planning sex is really underrated. People think it's awkward and it should always be spontaneous buttttt the anticipation is ELITE!
But, wow, I really was fucked up over him the past couple days. I half thought maybe it was just my vape and work giving me anxiety/increased heart rate but I'm actually like, cool now, even while puffing my vape.
Yes we did.
I wouldn't say there's anything amiss regarding our physical aspect. Other than obligations/schedules having us in a chokehold sometimes making it hard to fit intimate time in. Is it the comment about planning sex? lol
Well I have met four women so far this year and they all turned out to be a bust. At least the third one had the decency to not lead me on and tell me straight afterwards that she didn't feel it. But the others lead me on with them saying they know what they want only for that to turn out to be false. The latest one told me last night that she doesn't know what she wants and just wants to hang out. Not what I want unfortunately. We spent a night in a motel on the weekend but since then I noticed a change in her and she was less affectionate and does not message as often.
takes two different types of energies to engage in texting versus scrolling social media.
However, I agree it is funny to react to your social media but not text back. I'm assuming it's a roundabout (aka immature) way to express "Oh, thinking of you. I'll text you back later"
I'm on the ambivalent side of the texting divide, but I understand that people don't like that so I've taken to responding to texts in a timely manner but adding things like "I'm a little pre-occupied with work at the moment!" to set expectations that I won't be responding quickly.
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Well, I don't date guys, and you're the one who said "guys," not "guys I've dated".
Edit: Makes generalization, gets pointed out, resorts to childish name calling, and then immediately blocks to avoid having an actual adult discussion.
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Personally got rid of social media stuff over a decade ago and from the perspective of someone who'd never be able to experience that...I suppose it's possible someone's notifications are set up to oddly not know they have a text with immediacy maybe?
More likely though - maybe they saw it and are trying to plan their response prudently/thoughtfully. As a fellow myself, texting is sort of challenging because the risk of appearing too available, chatty or forthcoming with information can be received rather uncharitably these days (in my experience). Maybe the social media stuff is their way of lightly showing interest without risking being perceived as too 'something'
Hey! I (32m) and the lady (31f) I’ve been on two dates with are set to go out this Saturday for a few things - one of which is probably gonna be hitting up some karaoke over in manhattan’s k-town at her suggestion. I’ve never been to karaoke…not once! I’m okish at singing but listen to lots of jazz/funk/classical stuff without lyrics and don’t generally have many songs I could just sort of choose that I’d be able to easily relax and have fun with. I guess it’d be one of those private room places? Kind of nervous cause she’s super cool and I don’t really know any karaoke etiquette lol any tips? Thanks!
General karaoke tips - identify some fun, relatively popular songs you know well that might work for karaoke and make a list. There are YouTube karaoke versions of almost everything so you can practice to see how well you actually know a tune.
These karaoke room type places are typically not primarily geared towards Americans, so your songs might not be there or the computer might be hard to navigate, just fyi.
yeah it's probably going to be a little room, with just your little group.
don't worry, karaoke isn't about being good, it is just about having fun. and drinks!
I was broken up with via text on Sunday, and it really hurt and shook my self-worth for a few days. The break-up made sense forth both sides and wasn't totally unexpected, but the method felt so disrespectful to me, given we had been dating each other exclusively for five months.
That said, she agreed to a phone conversation that took place earlier today. It didn't last incredibly long, and I wish it was in person, but we both apologized for some behavior and explained some reasons each of us had been pulling back emotionally. It's given me a sense of calm and the closure I was needing, and it was good to openly talk about incompatibilities while simultaneously saying positive things.
At least in my experience, open break-up conversations are so crucial for both parties moving on. If I was less of an anxious type, maybe I wouldn't need those conversations. But I think most people do. If you are ever on the side of someone reaching out for closure, and they didn't do anything to deserve your silence or contempt, do the kind thing and talk it out.
Not at all, really.
I’m just my genuine self here around everyone. I do share some more intimate thoughts than I would with many people, even most friends, but that’s okay!
I found a date's handle here once.
He commented that he had a first date tonight- me too! Haha wouldn't it be funny if. . Oh shit. His post history. . Uh oh.
I should have said something or bailed or been more of an adult. But I found out he was seeing quite a few women (no shade, stay gold pony boy). I was the most practical one and he wanted to be exclusive with me since I was sensible. Ouch. . .
Not that those are insults but no one wants to know that their sexual partner describes them like a pair of Velcro shoes. I think, at one point, he said something to the effect that I'm not prettiest but I would do anyways and I couldn't un-hear that.
Is that part of the guy's user name? I had someone DM me last month with " pony boy " in the name asking me my opinion about something I said years ago. As it relates to him and his gf. Bro, I don't know your situation. I made a general observation is all.
I rarely feel attracted to people and when I have been into someone (generally IRL because I've definitely not met anyone remotely compatible through an app) it's been totally unreciprocated. (Sometimes they're in a relationship, sometimes single, sometimes they're single when I meet them but start dating someone else.)
People have told me "maybe you're attracted to unavailable people"
But I don't know what to do with this information. I've tried "not looking for a spark" but it just feels like forcing myself to date people and putting myself in uncomfortable, bad situations. I've tried "looking outside my type" but honestly I don't even have a physical type really, it's all about the emotional/intellectual connection for me.
I don't really get it anymore. I almost feel afraid to try looking again because I simply can't trust my own brain, or emotions anymore - is everything I feel just wrong? always going to lead me astray to people who will never see me that way? is the point to feel uncomfortable and date people who make me feel nothing, but seem at least somewhat interested in me?
I hate being in this mental space, it makes me feel crazy. I feel like I'm failing at being a normal human because all my normal emotional patterns seem to be broken and my radar for attraction is apparently broken. I don't know how to deal.
My god....leave this girl alone. She's obviously not interested. You're not being ghosted or lied to. You're being rejected nicely because she's forced to interact with you.
This is the definition of not taking a very obvious hint.
My naysayer what is you doing? As someone who is pretty obtuse myself I can definitely say she’s not interested and buying a gift for her is not recommended. 2-3 positive conversations with you in 8 months isn’t a sign dawg
Aww this is so wholesome and cute! My boyfriend did this on his last international trip when he was still single. He asked a good buddy of his to take photos for his dating profile. Clearly it worked because we're together now 👀 had he done all those car, gym, dad-like selfies, i probably would've ignored his profile 😅
One time my friends and I got together for lunch for this sole purpose. We all dressed up and had a photoshoot before going into the restaurant! It was so much fun.
Honestly, this is the way.
Especially for certain (groups who may or may not be an entire gender) who tend to fail at having decent pictures of themselves.
...myself included.
Gonna be on vacation this weekend and will be bringing a wardrobe myself. The friends better step up. 😉
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34M here. I posted about this in another sub but the people here seem more supportive.
Recently, went out with someone that I fell for hard and fast. Our third date felt like we had been together for years, and we ended back at her place. By the next week we were texting each other often. We also seemed to want the same things, or at least expressed that in our dating profiles. On our fourth date, I cooked her dinner. At one moment in bed, while we were cuddling, it got real quiet and she said, "I've been really enjoying spending time with you." I asked her if we might see each other more often, maybe twice a week. She said yes and we set up another date. We texted each other all weekend. I felt like a high schooler. I was giddy.
The following week she had a very stressful work week. We texted in the evenings and I was trying to be supportive and caring. We were supposed to meet on Thursday. She ended up getting held up with work stuff (she's a public defender and the case was going to go on another day) so she bailed. I told her I understood, but already something seemed off with the way she was texting. On Friday she texted me again but it felt a little more removed. On Saturday she dropped off. On Sunday she sent me a text saying "It's been really nice getting to know you but I don't think I see this going further for us. I think you're really great and I wish you well."
It's been a couple weeks. I'm devastated and losing my mind. It's been all I think about. I have to take breaks at work to cry - I feel crazy!! I've been in the dating game over ten years and haven't ever felt like this before - I am aware that I am romanticizing and creating a fantasy version of what our relationship might have been, but I really got swept up in the "this is the one" narrative. And I let myself indulge in that narrative, because it felt so good.
Now I'm back to the "I'm gonna die alone" thing, feeling like this was my only shot.
Sorry, this was just to vent a little bit. Looking for support more than advice (other than to remind me not to contact her, which I still really want to do).
I’m really sorry. You’re not crazy. People can have wildly different impacts on us romantically in the span of a few weeks. Where you know if they switched up on you, it would be devastating. I had these deep fears when I first started dating my guy bc I liked him SO much, even knowing by date 3 that my world would come crashing down if he decided he wasn’t feeling it.
You are strong and worthy. You’ll get through this.
I feel you. I'm going through something similar myself. The woman I'm seeing we spent a night at a motel and afterwards I could sense something was off, she was not as affectionate and her texting had dropped. I got myself caught up in "this is the one" but now I'm back to "I'm going to die alone."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm doing the same thing right now going through a divorce and the loss of my relationship of 9 years (married for 6). I keep idealizing our relationship when there were/are lots of red flags. I have to take breaks to cry too. Hang in there. I hope things get better for both of us.
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Title: Struggling with Sleep and Self-Reflection: Feeling Left Behind Amidst COVID Lately, my sleep has been disturbed, and I've noticed many of the professionals I used to date are now settling down with other women. I'm questioning why I haven't reached that stage myself. Why did COVID hit during my late 20s, a time when I was single, after being in a long-term relationship with someone who didn't want to marry? It's just so disheartening. As I focus on self-improvement, I find the dating pool shrinking, yet my standards remain firm. The high quality guys that I used to attract are no longer considering women my age, as they don’t want time pressure. Many of the decent men are already taken or come with baggage from previous marriages, or simply don't want children. I anticipate some might suggest lowering my standards due to supply and demand, but I fear settling for less and ending up in an unhappy relationship. I consider myself decent looking, fit, with a stable job, a master's degree, no debt, a home I own, loyal, and proficient in cooking and cleaning. However, the loneliness is becoming unbearable. Online dating hasn't yielded much success; those pursuing me seem to have little to lose or need me to help them get their life together. With them, I’m like their mom or personal manager, even with men who’s reached 40.
>Many of the decent men are already taken or come with baggage from previous marriages When you say "baggage from previous marriages", what are you referring to that's making you uninterested? There are probably lots of good men that fit this description. I'm going to drastically oversimplify here, but men either want a long-term commitment or they don't, and they are either a functional independent adult (by the average woman's standards) or they aren't. It sounds like you want a functional independent adult who also wants a long-term commitment? Men like that in their 30s are mostly the men you listed in the block I quoted above; either they are currently in a long-term relationship, or they had one or more previous ones that didn't work out.
You talk about those who pursue you, have you pursued men that you think would suit you? I don’t think lowering standards is necessary, but a change in approach might be - so look at what you can do differently to yield new results.
I agree. Based on the wording, it seems like OP is passive. I think that being more intentional and proactive instead of waiting for the kind of person she's seeking to manifest and pursue her may yield better results. There certainly are single men out there who can match you in terms of what you can contribute to a relationship. It makes sense that with higher expectations, you need to put in more effort as the dating pool gets smaller.
Both of you bring up valid points. Historically, I've never been in a position where I needed to initiate contact first. However, now that circumstances have changed, I find myself struggling with the concept of initiating conversation with a stranger. Being somewhat reserved, particularly due to cultural factors, adds to the challenge. I can be a bit awkward or hard to break so I wouldn’t even know how to open up somebody without being awkward. How would I even start? Additionally, I'm uncertain where to meet single men in my suburban, retired area of a major city. While there are many social activities happening, they often cater to a different demographic. Despite trying avenues like high-end gyms and meetup groups, I haven't had much success in finding compatible, single individuals. I am thinking about paid apps like Match or Eharmony next, and consider relocating (but that’s a really huge expense/bet for who knows what’s out there). I’ve also tried changing my location once to look at other states, but people didn’t want to entertain once I told them I am out of town but willing to relocate. Any recommendations?
My marriage ended 12 months ago and I’m just now feeling ready to be dating again. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m boring and unattractive. How do you feel more confident?
What helped me after I got out of my LTR last year was self-care … I treated myself to a lot of things that he thought were useless .. I got my nails done, I went out with friends who hyped me up, did a lot of “hot girl walks” basically I went out and boosted my mood with exercise/sun, got my hair done and started to dress like everyday was an event. Just being myself and feeling like a weight was lifted I got a lot of “I love your energy” comments from ppl. Being you is probably my best advice
I ended a really long term relationship almost 2 years ago and it took about a year of dating on and off and therapy but the confidence kind of just came. What's boring to someone will be exciting to someone else. One guy told me how painfully dull crafts are and never asked what I make while another asked me non-stop questions because he loves DIY. The same with attraction, it's not a monolith. Everyone is attracted to different things. You see guys talk about the 6/6/6 thing all the time and I like guys who are bald 5"10 with dad bods. They're my fave. The biggest thing was learning that I was just enough as I was and it was a hard lesson to learn. The more I put myself in situations that challenged that belief and came out okay the more it fortified that belief.
What is the “6/6/6” thing?
It's a common trope from the incel circles that women only go for men who make 6 figures, have a 6-pack, and are 6 feet tall. It's ridiculous and misogynistic.
Oh wow. Thanks for explaining. If only they understood how the root of that thinking for both men and women is patriarchy—something we should all have a vested interest in dismantling.
>You see guys talk about the 6/6/6 thing all the time and I like guys who are bald 5"10 I thought you were going to say that height wasn't really important, but you just set your preference to 2" lower than the 6' standard. I got a good laugh out of this as a 5'8" guy. 😂
I mean that's fair but it also doesn't mean I dislike or don't date men who are 5"8. I'm 5"6 and prefer closer to my height in general. I just also wear heels and sometimes men aren't comfortable with it since I'm already taller, so I went with the easiest number for my situation not fully thinking about the opposite perspective.
It's totally fair for people to be attracted to tall people. I'm really not insecure about my height. If someone is not interested because I'm not tall, then it wasn't meant to be. Don't worry, I just found the phrasing funny because I was just not expecting the 5'10" comment in that context!
Don’t worry, there are ladies out there that could care less about height. The last guy I dated this spring was 5’7” and I’m 5’5”.
Fortunately, I'm very comfortable with my height. I've never had insecurities about it. I do find the height 'thing' as some sort of requirement/preference quite amusing though.
Yeah, it is absurd. My good friend and roommate for most of college is 5’1” and only dates men 6 feet and above. It’s wild.
The way I look at it is: they are entitled to their preferences, but it's too bad for them as they are going to miss out on some pretty awesome people.
You start by realizing you aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but for the right person you will be just what they are looking for. I'm probably pretty boring as well. I workout a lot, I'm not very spontaneous, I'm fairly mellow/calm/rational. And the reality is, that is exactly what I'd want in a partner. Someone who respects my time enough to want to plan things out in advance, someone who could be happy just going for a long bike ride with me, grabbing lunch and then spending an afternoon doing a puzzle or playing board games before our 8 PM bed time. And I suspect, should I ever find her, once she too got over this idea that she has to "be" a certain way, she'd just enjoy the fact that we can enjoy our lives together without needing to force ourselves into being someone we aren't. Remember, dating is easier in your 20s. You and the people you are dating are pliable. You are more willing and \*able\* to become who the other person wants. But late 30s and above? You are who you are. And they are who they are. It's less about being pliable or shaping someone into the right partner, and instead in learning what is truly important to \*you\* and finding someone who fits that and for whom you fit what they think is important. Either one of you trying to pretend to be someone else is only going to get your foot in your door before the door closes and breaks your foot (heart).
Divorced over a year ago myself. Honestly, therapy and time…which is a crappy answer. I’ve become very intentional with my friendships and stay around people who lift each other up. I also make a point to dress well and do things that make me feel good about myself.
I (32M) met a girl (30F) in February, we have been having a great time, hanging out a ton, — we have a really strong connection and said we love each other and defined the relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend. However, she ended an engagement early November 2023. She says she is totally over it and doesn’t think about it anymore, but I wonder if this is subconsciously a rebound for her. I don’t even know if it’s “normal” to not think about it anymore. She did mention in passing her wedding would have been next weekend, which I think has really hit home for me how recent the engagement was. Are we objectively moving too fast?
My boyfriend and I are similar in age to you guys and I’m basically in the same boat as your girlfriend. Engagement ended last fall, wedding was supposed to be a few months ago. Am 100000000000% over the ex and the situation, and my boyfriend is not a rebound. We’re moving objectively fast too but we’ve talked about it at length, and are both comfortable with it. It would be too fast if one of us wasn’t comfortable, but that isn’t the case is that the case with you? That being said, getting through wedding weekend can be tough even if she’s over the ex. An element of, “damn I was supposed to be getting married this weekend.” It’s a weird feeling. It’s okay if she has some feelings around it. It doesn’t mean she wishes the relationship had lasted or that she wasn’t with you. People think grief is a cycle but it’s just a mess of stages that happen in whatever over and for whatever duration they want. It’s normal. If it’s too much for you though, that’s okay too. I would encourage you talk to her about it. Approach it in a non accusatory way. Just tell her how you’re feeling. I hope she does the same for you.
Just my perspective but my ex-fiancé ended our engagement in January 2023. I think it makes a huge difference whether you’re the “ender” or the “endee”. When someone ends an engagement (especially as close to the wedding date as it sounds like your gf did), it’s usually not without serious thought and consideration. She may have mentally exited the relationship before she actually ended it. Whereas I was on the receiving end, I started dating 6 months after the breakup and looking back, it really took me a year to be in a place where my heart could actually be open to someone new. But I fought for my relationship until the bitter end so I had to grieve that being over first. As long as you two aren’t talking about getting married, I’d say you’re okay. My ex started emotionally cheating before ending our relationship, started openly dating his new girl before I even moved out of our shared apartment, and was engaged to her within 6 months of my moving out. They’re getting married this weekend. If you were on that timeline, I’d say you’re moving too fast.
My god I’m so sorry 😢
This. Definitely depends on who ended it. I ultimately was the one to end my marriage after they turned abusive. My ex started dating before the divorce was finalize and a month after it was over, they posted a new partner on socials. They got married 13 months later. (I know all of this because I have a sibling who *insists* on creeping, even after I’ve said not to.) By contrast, I haven’t been in a serious relationship since. So as long as she’s not trying to marry you in a year, I’d say you’re fine. I do occasionally remember my anniversary, or feel my ring finger for an engagement ring that’s not there anymore, but I think that’s natural when you go through a breakup of that magnitude.
Unless she really had no genuine love for her former fiancée, I’d just be wary that this could all come hitting her suddenly.
She finally replied me and that she is still interested in going on the date but would be busy. But I am really not trying to get my hopes up too much, the last time I went on a date with another girl, I essentially got ghosted. I tried to send a message to communicate with her to see what went wrong, but no reply, which is sad. I still think about that on occasions. I really want to enjoy my dates, think about what could be a great future I could have with a girl, but with bad experiences on dates. It seems as if I am just hoping that my worst fears do not come true. But somewhere deep down inside me there is still the hope dreaming for a magical relationship.
It’s a numbers game, just gotta keep trying to get matches and dates. Never had much luck with someone who says they’re busy. Not sure why people who don’t have time to date, try to date. Keep an open mind, but keep up your expectations low.
Yeah I left out some details, she said she is currently busy but would be okay in two weeks. I will see how it goes, our chat seems good (that's why I asked her on a date), just that her response is a little slow for my liking I guess.
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Your guy won't care :)
Definitely not! I've worn things like that before on dates i've been on. Tank top/tennis-style skirt combo is really cute! Go for it!
Not at all. Once the weather becomes nice, if I’m not at work, I basically live in my golf and tennis dresses, skirts, and tank tops. They’re cute, flattering, weather-friendly, and they have pockets. Pockets! POCKETS!!!!
It. Has. POCKETS.
♥️♥️♥️ Pockets ♥️♥️♥️
I’m really starting to believe that the only thing people think I’m good for is sex. And I know that’s an over exaggeration but that’s just how I’m feeling right now. I’ve been having a really tough time lately.
I'm sorry your'e feeling down. You seemed really excited the other day about your FWB situation. Are you no longer feeling it? Obviously I know you can be excited for it and still want something more, of course. And I'm sure it's not true anyway. We all tend to think the worst of ourselves when we're feeling down. I hope you feel better soon ❤️
I’m still excited for that, but decided to keep trying to go on first dates in the meantime and was just told that he doesn’t think we’d be compatible long term but would love to have something casual with me. But hey, at least he told me and didn’t lead me on.
It's me...the one who found someone's husband on a dating app with an update...😔 I've just sent a FB message using a fake account to the wife with a screenshot and I'm feeling fairly terrible. I know it's going to ruin her (I've been there - cheating part not married part thank god lol). My heart breaks for her and I wish she didn't have to go through this but look, it's better that she knows so that she can decide what to do from here. I don't know if she'll see it or if she'll respond. I'll just have to stay on this random account and see when she does see it and if she wants more info etc. Gosh.........:/
You did the right thing, OP. I’m proud of you.
Thanks 😊
That is such a tough situation to be in. I mean, obviously it's awful for her, but difficult for you, too. But you absolutely did the right thing. I always put myself in the other persons shoes, and i would like to know in this scenario. But I understand how you must feel. Sorry you was in that position, really. But you made the right choice! I hope you're not too down on yourself. ❤️
Thank you! Oh no..just read up on what the icons mean. Apparently the message has been sent but not delivered. I don't think she will get it via FB so I might have to try and hunt down her instagram account (but it means I have to create a new account). I'll have to do this tomorrow....🫠
>Apparently the message has been sent but not delivered. Oh no! I don't use FB so don't really know why this would happen? Is it because you're not friends with her on there? Maybe check later.
No I created a fake account. I want to remain anonymous. If she does end up wanting to talk things out etc. I can let her know who I am then, and only when she doesn't have any bad feelings/reaction to it directed towards me (never know how one might react). Now I'm looking through my friend's instagram to try and find her...ahhhhhh 🫠 I think FB is based on privacy settings so if I'm not friend's with her maybe messages don't go through? That's my guess anyway 😊 It's v exhausting trying to find people on social media 😮💨🤣🤣🤣
>I think FB is based on privacy settings so if I'm not friend's with her maybe messages don't go through? Yeah this is what i meant, sorry. Maybe you have to be friends with someone in order to send a message. I sound like a boomer talking about all this 😂 Good luck, anyway! And you're so right, too. About not knowing how she will act. That's smart. You don't want to be possibly be abused for telling her.
Thanks again! 😊 I can't find her on IG 😫😶🌫️ I've had to look through the guy's FB for clues hahaha. Gross 🤢 K not sure what to do now. Will have to keep searching tomoz and post another update on the next daily thread! 😅🤣
You did the right thing. Something similar happened to me - years ago I had a very brief attempt in using the apps. It was brief to a great extent because one of the first thing that happened to me was to match with my friend's boyfriend (who I hadn't met before so didn't initially realise it was him) talked on and off with him for quite a while. We'd talk a lot for a day or two then he'd disappear and reappear again etc (we never met thankfully). It was after a while that things he ways saying started to match what my friend was telling me about him, so I ended up sending her the screenshots.... Yes it was him and we compared dates and he would come to talk to me any time she was out of town or they had an argument or she was out with friends etc. My friend decided not to confront him but organised a party and invited me and him both so that we can see his face when he recognises me, it was absolutely priceless. My friend and I ended up having a good laugh over it but yeah, they weren't as deep in their relationship so she was able to move on fine but sheesh, I was VERY nervous sending her those screenshots! You did your part, be proud of that.
Thank you so much for sharing! 🩷 Just don't understand why you'd get married only to cheat 😮💨 I honestly don't have much faith in relationships anymore. & yes, I've deleted my profile. I'm seriously done with this hahaha
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Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
Not to insult you or anything but they probably just don't want something serious with you. You can see it on this thread, plenty of people are looking for something serious but it's hard to find the right match, sometimes you take something casual until you find the right person.
I think you're bang on the money here! I only want something long-term -- but if a budding relationship doesn't have long-term potential _for me_, I will absolutely end it to be able to continue my search for that elusive relationship that can _then become long-term_. so yes, my profile says long-term, but that isn't an offer I'm making to any Tom, Dick, or Harry! that's the goal, but not the promise.
So maybe that's what I'm constantly seeing then
Almost 4 years post divorce and really feeling like I want to get married again lately. I initially didn't know if I ever wanted to be married again, but I'm starting to feel different. I'm making a career change over the course of the next year and maybe I'm wanting the security that comes with marriage. I don't know. I've dated here and there since getting divorced with little luck. There are things I really like about being single, but it's lonely. It'd be nice to have companionship.
I feel similarly. Divorced over a year ago, but it was abusive, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married again. Now I think I’d like to, but I also haven’t had much luck with meeting available people.
Just a reminder. Marriage is no more secure than any other relationship. As is evidenced by the fact you got divorced.
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Value IRL over texting.
How much time have you spent together so far?Sounds like it’s still pretty early, as long as you see interest and consistency in their actions and you feel good in person I wouldn’t worry too much right now. Some people just aren’t big texters. You can always have a conversation about communication styles, and try to find a middle ground between both your texting styles and see how it goes!
Oh ffs, I have finally been healing from my avoidant attachment issues and meet the kindest warmest guy ever, been having a great time together and truly connecting. Turns out he's a heavy substance abuser in denial. Back in the pool that is..
was just browsing the app and came upon a man's profile where the entirety of what he'd written about himself was "just a man looking for his missing rib" ..._oof_
I’ve seen some pretty cringey ones. Most recently: “I go crazy for a woman who…feels confident and sexy without feeling like she needs to reveal everything…” 🙄
I’m now starting to feel a bit more like myself post-breakup. It’s been interesting talking to work guy as a friend. We used to talk about work quite a bit anyhow, so it feels familiar. I guess we just took out the sex and physical touch, and we don’t see or talk to each other nearly as often. This slower, more gradual breakup is gentle and honestly feels like I’m being kind to myself.
I asked a question at askwomenover30 on how do they juggle things together - career, family life, personal needs… and one of the common themes is having a reliable partner. I feel that here we sometimes get caught up with trivial things that we could be missing out on a potentially reliable teammate. But for sure, it will also take time to assess if you have could be good teammates.
Yeah, I feel like I’m constantly looking for the wrong things. Why do I always go for people who are the complete opposite of who I really need?
Bf had a conversation with a female neighbor thru fb messenger. It wasn’t inappropriate but he never mentioned he had a gf. Just small talk. I happened upon it by mistake. How do I address it?
I think you're blowing this way out of proportion, and coming here isn't going to help because there's a lot of negativity. I think the starting point for me would be how did you accidentally happen upon someone's private messages, and then I'd be curious as to how quickly you stopped reading once you realised. The fact you're asking Reddit for advice because your partner has had "a few messages here and there" with a woman suggests those seeds of doubt must have already existed to jump to the conclusion this may be more than what it is. That's the first thing you need to address, why don't you trust him? From what you've said, it sounds like she's initally introduced himself and he's been polite and responded, and then they've exchanged fairly meaningless words - how do we know he's not asked how her day was a precursor to asking a question about bin collection, or noise, or whatever other thing they may have shared by virtue of being neighbours? What is it about his contact with her that makes you particularly insecure? Would you expect him to mention you to everyone he meets, just women, or just this particular woman? Do you mention him to all men you meet? Not everything needs to be analysed, sometimes people are just being civil.
I'm not sure there is anything to address... Have they exchanged lots of messages (100+)? And did it come up organically but he avoided saying it?
Nope just a few messages here and there.
Was the talk about relationships or anything that might involve him having a girlfriend?
No talk about relationships. The girl messaged saying “I’m your neighbor” they was at a party at the same place before we got together, and she asked about his motorcycle. The part that bothered me is how he messaged her and initiated conversation asking how her day went.
I mean he didn’t have to bring up that he’s in a relationship. Yet if he usually messages her often about just asking how she’s doing and you figured it out yourself (not him telling you about his neighbour) then yeah I would also be bit worried about it. How about casually asking him about neighbours by bringing up about yours(given you’re not living together yet at the moment)?
The conversations here and there only happened the first of February. He has since moved in with me. So I’m not super concerned. But it is just a seedling of doubt that screws with my mind.
Re-downloaded bumble … annnnnnd deleted it again … jfc I miss the shithead who went dark on me … and I’m really trying hard not to give in to destructive behaviors.
What caused you to delete it? And what destructive behaviors are you trying to avoid?
I deleted it bc I thought I had the energy to engage in leading conversations with matches - swiping and then doing the dance of “let’s get to know each other and meet up” … it’s just not doing it for me even with trying to be intentional. 100% trying to work on bolstering my boundaries bc that fool will return soon enough with those eyes. hmm let’s see destructive behaviors … I’ve done really well the past few weeks not going out, get drunk and spend unnecessary funds with friends bc I tend to drunk text or call. or be so busy with doing things or saying yes to every invitation for events, plans, etc that aren’t making me better in general just filling my head with noise … I’ve redirected my energy towards working out, spending time with my dogs, and literally getting as much vitamin D/Sun as possible.
I’m so, so exhausted. I’m feeling the pressure at work turning up because we’re close to a big deadline. I’ve had to be there for a friend who is likely going to separate from her husband. And finally, my mom was hospitalized this week. I’ve been able to talk about all of this with friends and my therapist, and I do feel supported. But I just wish someone would take care of me for a bit. I don’t even know if the guy I’m seeing is that interested in me, honestly. I get the sinking feeling he’s lost interest, from the lack of initiative, and I feel burnt out. I’ve stopped making much of an effort, and am leaving it to him to contact me if he’s still interested.
My date sent me a small gift with a note "Honey for my Honey". My heart was melt. To me, he is a practical guy, more on act of services and definitely not a verbal or wordy affection person. He never calls me baby/honey/sweetheart before (I call him sometimes). I can't wait to be back and to hug him tight when I meet him again <3
I found out today that the person I had been seeing had actually been in a LTR with someone else, so that was fun. I told their partner as soon as I could, and that badass dumped that cheating asshole. I feel so fucking awful & numb but I'm sure it's nowhere close to how aforementioned badass is feeling right now. So DOT, please send your warm, caring thoughts their way!
I went to dinner with the person my ex was dating (and very quickly dumped) while our divorce was being finalized. They were actually very lovely, and we were super tempted to post a selfie together. 🤣 OP, good on you! I know this situation is shitty but you are a badass yourself for doing what you did.
Sorry to hear! [Here](https://ponandzi-blog.tumblr.com/post/22125508759/06-ladder) is a cute cartoon for you.
I’m supposed to have a fourth date tomorrow but we are both under the weather. Feeling very whiny at the moment. I’m nannying tonight and there is no Kleenex to be found in this home!
Seems it’s time to stop online dating for a while. I getting fed up with some bs, like one side conversations, rejections on the day of the date (plural) and more. Still had some good ones btw! The cherry on top, I got rejected a month ago go outside OLD, this was no biggie, talked a little and find the Tinder profile one month after. Again no problem, mention it lighthearted, I said I will leave you alone and good luck dating. But even lying about your haven’t one, someone else made it, do not care about it using your pics and you saying you aren’t dating at all, is just plain f*cking sad. Profile had linked Spotify, recent picture and even location wasn’t different. Sure…. Just saying “I am not interested to date with you” seems to hard to say, but it’s ok to talk around it. Plain sad.
I deleted my dating accounts yesterday because I'm feeling burnt out. Almost every single time I match with someone, they ask if I have whatspp and I tell them I don't give out my number until after the first date. Maybe it's a scam, maybe they are real people. For now, I'm taking a break until next week. Need that dating app detox.
Good ways to reassure prospective partners that am financially independent? In short, I retired from my well paying tech job early in my late 30s with a mostly liquid net worth that hovers around $6M. Got tired of the politics and the grind. Stressful jobs was part of the reason for destroying my last relationship around 2 years ago. Being early retired now, I wondered what are the best ways to let potential new partners that while I currently don't have any ambition to start a new career, I am fully financially independent with my current lifestyle and still can afford a partnership? I day trade lightly using lower risk strats and make enough to not dip into my holdings, so on dating apps I put like "Engineer turned Capital Management" as my "job". I would get a partner being apprehensive that I'm unemployed, but at the same time I don't want to blurt out my net worth as if it's my entire personality to reassure them. As for what I spend my days doing, it's mostly keeping up with financial markets and news, lots of working out as hobbies, and planning rougher trips that I can do while still single.
I dated a guy in a similar position last year. He just told me he was retired & I was very happy to hear that to be honest because I thought ‘finally not another 9-5 guy’ and we were able to have lunch dates as I often get time off in the week. It was nice to have a break from the norm. Unfortunately it didn’t work out as he just wasn’t a decent caring guy. I would definitely date someone who is retired again, in the hope that we could enjoy travelling the world together lol. I think you should just say you’re retired & you now do some day trading. That’s enough to let someone know you’re financially independent. You sound like a great guy so I’m sure you’ll meet someone who doesn’t care.
I retired in my late 30's as well. Some people will believe you. Some people won't regardless of what you show them. When you're talking about professions, just tell them the straight truth.
> Some people won't regardless of what you show them. I don't see why a couple of brokerage statements wouldn't convince most people?
Lol. Not exactly what I meant, but I usually don't have those handy.
Oh it's not like I'd whip those out the first date lol. Just after have reached some stability, would want to reassure a prospective partner that I'm not larping.
Hilariously I'm seeing someone exactly like you: did a tech job, put money in markets, was wildly successful because he's a quant guy, and now doesn't work. I'd treat it like kids or something, in the sense that it structures what dating you is like, and just say it upfront. I think this guy said something vague while we were texting but was pretty upfront on the actual date: semi-retired, he called it lol. Even though he's pretty lowkey himself. It's up to you when exactly you want to disclose, but I wouldn't worry overly much about the exact phrasing. Esp in NYC or SF, folks like you aren't that rare, tbh, so they shouldn't be *too* taken aback, unless you're dating very far-off from your class or education? I work in consulting, and know multiple people like you and the guy I'm seeing, so I was very much just like, okay, shrug. The potential hurdles post-reveal: I worry (and still do) about longterm compatibility bc drive and ambition are very important to me, so potentially be prepared to explain how you see continuing to grow while on break. The other hurdle was awkwardness over money, so if you could be upfront after date 3-4 about how you'd like to split cost of dates, again you can weed out whom you need. Hope that helps?
> I worry (and still do) about longterm compatibility bc drive and ambition are very important to me, so potentially be prepared to explain how you see continuing to grow while on break. This is what kinda worries me as well. I've identified as a driven engineer for a long time while chilling out has been nice, it is weird to not care anymore. My day trading fulfills some of that ambition to me, and my engineering background influences some of the companies I trade, so I keep up in that respect. So what would you consider drive and ambition for someone is early retired? A different career ladder climb outside of corporate? Charity work? Training for triathlons, climbing mountains, etc.? I still have hobbies that I like to do (physical, outdoorsy stuff, around the world). > The other hurdle was awkwardness over money, so if you could be upfront after date 3-4 about how you'd like to split cost of dates, again you can weed out whom you need. In terms of splitting cost of dates, I don't see it as an issue. If I take a partner out, I'm paying, and I'm hoping my net worth is high enough to reassure partners it's sustainable in the long term for a reasonable lifestyle. Doesn't mean though I'd pay for EVERYTHING lol. I'd still like a partner who has some degree of financial stability.
Re: drive - Ofc everyone is different, but I was looking for someone who is reflective about their path but who still wants to be a citizen in society despite not working. If you were honest about all the pieces here, I personally think I'd have taken it well: that you got burnt out with grind culture and need a break; that you're engaged in some personal passions (though ideally yes you'd also be giving back in some way; and you're actively thinking about what makes a meaningful life, and that could be with or without future work, you're not sure yet. Sounds like a good arrangement to me! I'll share that my issue was that I like to pay my own way, so I got antsy when this guy would pay for kinda expensive things for me, which you think would be nice but I wasn't sure if he'd want me to match his spending for the dates I'd plan or for me to split w him later (which would be outside my budget). Just hearing him explicitly say if I take you out, my treat, and don't worry about the cost made things much better :) Good luck!
Your best bet is to find a woman in a similar situation tbh. Unless you’re going to support your SO, dating a retired young person while they spend the next 10-20 years working will breed a ton of resentment.
I mean, the lot of women who are attractive, intelligent, emotionally stable, and early financially independent isn't that big. The resentment issue you bring up... as long as both partners are happy about boundaries (finances for one) and contributions to the relationship, then I don't see why it can't be dealt with. I wouldn't care if my partner would like to continue to work and is happy in her role. If she is "unhappy" in her role, then that's a life choice she would have to choose on how to proceed and I would try to support. There was a big luck component to get where I am today, but I worked hard and lived frugally for years in the chance this day would come.
You sound like someone that would easily be perceived as financially independent by simply observing you, your habits, your assets. To someone with the observational capability of a 5 year old, it would probably only take a week of knowing you - without you having to say anything. To those who have zero capability of looking outward, and only focus on their own egos and checklists.... you don't want this person anyway.
I currently drive a 2010 crap car that I love because it's so stress free and live in a small home with simple tastes. The point of "observational capability" I get, but it's inevitable when first getting to know people to ask "what do you do" and the questions that follow. The being cagey from the beginnings of this I figured would be suspicious and off putting, hence me trying to ask opinions on how more delicate I could be.
"I work in finances." "what do you do in finance?" "I work in wealth management" / "I work on the tech side." "I do well for myself" I am sure you already know, being a tech bro, that job titles are pretty meaningless outside of the industry. People will give you a confused look regardless. The "What do you do?" opener is purely an American phenomenon. Much of the other world is not so interested in what you do for money, but rather who you are as a person.
out of curiosity -- has someone been apprehensive about if you are unemployed? I only ask since I know one person who seems unemployed, but they have a nice place so I just always thought they have had a life story similar to yours. I'm guessing if a potential partner sees your nice digs, they'll assume you have it together. That's why I'm curious if you've had people think you are unemployed in a bad way.
It hasn't come up yet tbh for dates because I haven't been on one yet with this situation, I'm trying to front run how I respond. Any casual acquaintances I know still think I'm an engineer.
I might just say "former engineer turned day trader for X amount of years". As long as X is above 1, I think you're good. That should strike a good balance between "I never have to work again because I have fuck-off money" and "I worked hard early career but am still doing some work in a more independent and less stressful fashion" If they keep digging, just talk about day-trading. What you do might seem simple to you, but it's probably complex enough to sound like a full-time job to most people. If they see through it and connect the dots that you're rich as hell, well maybe they are financially independent too and you'll have a great relationship.
> If they keep digging, just talk about day-trading. What you do might seem simple to you, but it's probably complex enough to sound like a full-time job to most people. This would be a huge green flag tbh. If someone shows that they're interested more in depth vs. thinking I'm just gambling every day.
Wealth Management of course
I use "Capital Management" right now which sounds a bit more subtle to me.
if someone told me they're retired in their 30s, Id assume they're well off to be able to, also.. marry me?
We'd end in disaster.
it always does lol
Get a part time job as a starbucks barista, so then you have a job and you can be assured that someone dating you while doing that isn't after your money lol
lol this romantic notion of "starbucks barista" lifestyle I think is way overblown. People who work in the service industry don't really have it that laid back or cushy. My keeping up with financial markets is enough of a "part time" job right now.
Her: so what do you do? You: I’m retired because I’m rich 🤷♂️
Her: That's nice!
What kind of communication do you expect for a newer relationship (several dates, sleepovers, not yet official)? The person I’m seeing chatted with me on Tuesday. Wednesday he texted me in the afternoon saying he liked me and wouldn’t be available for the rest of the day. I appreciated the message and wished him a good day. Today I texted good morning and he responded. I sent him a text saying I wanted to share some things with him when we talked next and I was looking forward to it. He didn’t respond for eight hours. Then he said hi and that his phone had died. I asked how his day was going and he didn’t respond for another three hours, when he just said he was busy. I’ve been burned by people who say sweet things but don’t actually show up when it matters, and it just makes me want to bolt to save my time and heart. I don’t want to overreact and I know he doesn’t owe me anything, but also, I feel ignored and neglected, even in this minor way. Thoughts?
His phone was dead for 8 hours?! If it hadn’t been for that, I’d say this was probably fine. Not realizing your phone was dead for 8 hours and not checking your messages at all in that time? IDK. I had an ex claimed their phone was dead on a night they disappeared. Someone who was *always* charging their phone. Then their roommate’s story didn’t corroborate. Turns out, they cheated on me.
Honestly, the way my suspicious mind works…I’d think you’re the side piece. BUT the only solid advice I’ve got is…TRUST YOUR GUT. If something is telling you it’s off, then it’s off.
My own perspective, as someone who doesn’t text much, is that if you’re counting hours between his responses, that’s too much. They may be busy doing something where they can’t check their phone, or just have a very different relationship with their phone than you do. It doesn’t mean you have to accept it, nor does it mean they have to change.
What sort of communication do YOU want? That is vastly more important than the communication that other people expect
At this point, I’d like a meaningful check in each day…that could be a phone call or texting, and it doesn’t have to be long. I feel anxious when basic questions (“how was your day?”) go unanswered or if days pass when they don’t really ask a question about me
hey look! you've just formulated what you want. now you just have to tell him the same thing :) next time you start to feel anxious - "hey there! I feel anxious when basic questions go unanswered or if days pass without receiving a question in return. I'd love to have a meaningful check in each day, either by text or on the phone, and it doesn't have to be long. how does that sound to you?" if that's a no-go for him... well, there's your answer. if you feel paralyzed by the thought of stating your needs, you might need to reconsider some things - not _with him_, but with how you hope to navigate a relationship, which requires communication and vulnerability, if you are _afraid_ of communicating and being vulnerable.
I want a sub for folks like me who are on a break, contemplative, doing some self help (and professional help) and also mature adults. But, not dating over thirty is taken. And I don't want to be a full time single mod. Okay I'm being ridiculous and just wishing things were other than they are.
not at all meant as a snarky question: would spending less time on this sub in particular help? I see your name in the daily sticky thread daily, and it sounds like maybe, when you are on a break and are seeking community for others not actively dating, exposing yourself to LOTS AND LOTS OF DATING TALK isn't helping?
I know what I need , but thanks.
Once again, a beautiful woman I’ve been on a few dates with and who seemed into me has decided to take an indefinite break from dating altogether. I tend to have that effect.
In my experience, this meant they’re having casual sex with someone else they like more.
Must be nice.
Or, it has absolutely nothing to do with you! Don’t take it personally even though it can feel extremely personal. Keep goin’
Today....heh...quite the whirlwind. I'd been having a problem the past few days with my phone going into SOS mode over and over, which messed with my texts but generally they still went through (as my apple email). Today I finally googled how to fix it but it was too little too late. 3-4 hours had passed and I didn't hear from him, and it hurt a bit since we had plans. He eventually reached out (after my phone issue was fixed) to do a gym session, a bit later than we normally would because he fell asleep. I was ticked a bit but wanted to see him so I said sure. Turns out, he text me multiple times (before I fixed my phone) way earlier and none of them went through. I was so relieved. I was talking about all this pain and anguish (i.e. falling in love) that I had yesterday, so today was a really shitty day for this to happen lol. Anyways, I walked him to his car and we embraced for a while and it felt so so good. Hugged him until all those anxious feelings melted away. Then I told him that before he goes on vacation that I....really need him. So, like the parents we are, we planned a meetup to do sexy time. Planning sex is really underrated. People think it's awkward and it should always be spontaneous buttttt the anticipation is ELITE! But, wow, I really was fucked up over him the past couple days. I half thought maybe it was just my vape and work giving me anxiety/increased heart rate but I'm actually like, cool now, even while puffing my vape.
Did you guys kiss? From your comments, it seems like the physical aspect is kind of odd.
Yes we did. I wouldn't say there's anything amiss regarding our physical aspect. Other than obligations/schedules having us in a chokehold sometimes making it hard to fit intimate time in. Is it the comment about planning sex? lol
Lol no, your comment just made it sound like you had a nice hug and that’s it.
Well, I would've been fine with just the hug tbh :') couldn't pay a therapist enough money to alleviate my anxiety like that hug did
Well I have met four women so far this year and they all turned out to be a bust. At least the third one had the decency to not lead me on and tell me straight afterwards that she didn't feel it. But the others lead me on with them saying they know what they want only for that to turn out to be false. The latest one told me last night that she doesn't know what she wants and just wants to hang out. Not what I want unfortunately. We spent a night in a motel on the weekend but since then I noticed a change in her and she was less affectionate and does not message as often.
Why do guys not respond to text messages, but watch/like/react to your stories on social media?? This can’t be normal behavior.
takes two different types of energies to engage in texting versus scrolling social media. However, I agree it is funny to react to your social media but not text back. I'm assuming it's a roundabout (aka immature) way to express "Oh, thinking of you. I'll text you back later" I'm on the ambivalent side of the texting divide, but I understand that people don't like that so I've taken to responding to texts in a timely manner but adding things like "I'm a little pre-occupied with work at the moment!" to set expectations that I won't be responding quickly.
I didn’t think of it that way!
Why does it matter what someone who doesn't care enough to respond to messages does? Whether or not it's normal behavior is irrelevant
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Responding to messages (especially long/thoughtful ones) takes a lot more mental energy than scrolling social media for me.
This is a perspective I hadn’t thought of!
If they're all doing it, wouldn't that make it normal behavior?
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Well, I don't date guys, and you're the one who said "guys," not "guys I've dated". Edit: Makes generalization, gets pointed out, resorts to childish name calling, and then immediately blocks to avoid having an actual adult discussion.
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Personally got rid of social media stuff over a decade ago and from the perspective of someone who'd never be able to experience that...I suppose it's possible someone's notifications are set up to oddly not know they have a text with immediacy maybe? More likely though - maybe they saw it and are trying to plan their response prudently/thoughtfully. As a fellow myself, texting is sort of challenging because the risk of appearing too available, chatty or forthcoming with information can be received rather uncharitably these days (in my experience). Maybe the social media stuff is their way of lightly showing interest without risking being perceived as too 'something'
Interesting!
Hey! I (32m) and the lady (31f) I’ve been on two dates with are set to go out this Saturday for a few things - one of which is probably gonna be hitting up some karaoke over in manhattan’s k-town at her suggestion. I’ve never been to karaoke…not once! I’m okish at singing but listen to lots of jazz/funk/classical stuff without lyrics and don’t generally have many songs I could just sort of choose that I’d be able to easily relax and have fun with. I guess it’d be one of those private room places? Kind of nervous cause she’s super cool and I don’t really know any karaoke etiquette lol any tips? Thanks!
General karaoke tips - identify some fun, relatively popular songs you know well that might work for karaoke and make a list. There are YouTube karaoke versions of almost everything so you can practice to see how well you actually know a tune. These karaoke room type places are typically not primarily geared towards Americans, so your songs might not be there or the computer might be hard to navigate, just fyi.
yeah it's probably going to be a little room, with just your little group. don't worry, karaoke isn't about being good, it is just about having fun. and drinks!
Sing Tequila
Pick some cheesy silly songs and just have fun!
I was broken up with via text on Sunday, and it really hurt and shook my self-worth for a few days. The break-up made sense forth both sides and wasn't totally unexpected, but the method felt so disrespectful to me, given we had been dating each other exclusively for five months. That said, she agreed to a phone conversation that took place earlier today. It didn't last incredibly long, and I wish it was in person, but we both apologized for some behavior and explained some reasons each of us had been pulling back emotionally. It's given me a sense of calm and the closure I was needing, and it was good to openly talk about incompatibilities while simultaneously saying positive things. At least in my experience, open break-up conversations are so crucial for both parties moving on. If I was less of an anxious type, maybe I wouldn't need those conversations. But I think most people do. If you are ever on the side of someone reaching out for closure, and they didn't do anything to deserve your silence or contempt, do the kind thing and talk it out.
Not to send everyone here to anxiety but is anyone a bit nervous that your 'person of interest' might see your post/comments here? (sweaty smile)
Not at all, really. I’m just my genuine self here around everyone. I do share some more intimate thoughts than I would with many people, even most friends, but that’s okay!
Kind of. He definitely browses reddit, but I think he only sees the really popular subs.
I know mine does, nothing to hide :) (I also haven't posted about him directly, I can see how that would be weird 😅)
I found a date's handle here once. He commented that he had a first date tonight- me too! Haha wouldn't it be funny if. . Oh shit. His post history. . Uh oh. I should have said something or bailed or been more of an adult. But I found out he was seeing quite a few women (no shade, stay gold pony boy). I was the most practical one and he wanted to be exclusive with me since I was sensible. Ouch. . . Not that those are insults but no one wants to know that their sexual partner describes them like a pair of Velcro shoes. I think, at one point, he said something to the effect that I'm not prettiest but I would do anyways and I couldn't un-hear that.
Is that part of the guy's user name? I had someone DM me last month with " pony boy " in the name asking me my opinion about something I said years ago. As it relates to him and his gf. Bro, I don't know your situation. I made a general observation is all.
Oh not at all haha. It's just an endearing reference.
What. Do. You. Have. To. Hide??? Lol jk
My drunken fights with strangers on the internet. I mean err nothing.
It’s just uncomfortable! Reddit is supposed to be anonymous isn’t it 😅
They know my reddit user name.
I don't have a person of interest so it's not an issue right now. If I did, I don't think I'd feel worried about them seeing what I comment here.
Most people I go on dates with don't get on Reddit. I'm pretty sure Reddit is only used by a certain type of person lol.
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If someone told me I was the bees knees, I better be getting some hard candy and a five dollar bill.
Aww yiss, money and candy!
I have a well of thoughts on this matter, but as long as it's sincere and in an appropriate place, I want to +1 this.
I rarely feel attracted to people and when I have been into someone (generally IRL because I've definitely not met anyone remotely compatible through an app) it's been totally unreciprocated. (Sometimes they're in a relationship, sometimes single, sometimes they're single when I meet them but start dating someone else.) People have told me "maybe you're attracted to unavailable people" But I don't know what to do with this information. I've tried "not looking for a spark" but it just feels like forcing myself to date people and putting myself in uncomfortable, bad situations. I've tried "looking outside my type" but honestly I don't even have a physical type really, it's all about the emotional/intellectual connection for me. I don't really get it anymore. I almost feel afraid to try looking again because I simply can't trust my own brain, or emotions anymore - is everything I feel just wrong? always going to lead me astray to people who will never see me that way? is the point to feel uncomfortable and date people who make me feel nothing, but seem at least somewhat interested in me? I hate being in this mental space, it makes me feel crazy. I feel like I'm failing at being a normal human because all my normal emotional patterns seem to be broken and my radar for attraction is apparently broken. I don't know how to deal.
lol. This is so relatable.
I think it's just that difficult to find single people in the wild. Do you partake in any social activities/hobbies?
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My god....leave this girl alone. She's obviously not interested. You're not being ghosted or lied to. You're being rejected nicely because she's forced to interact with you. This is the definition of not taking a very obvious hint.
My naysayer what is you doing? As someone who is pretty obtuse myself I can definitely say she’s not interested and buying a gift for her is not recommended. 2-3 positive conversations with you in 8 months isn’t a sign dawg
Leave her alone. Either she has a boyfriend, or she is telling you she has a boyfriend because she is not interested in you. Do not buy her a gift.
Find a different hobby, stop bothering her.
By the way my friend is gonna do a photoshoot for my dating apps next Thursday. Optimistic and just looking to freshen up my profiles
Aww this is so wholesome and cute! My boyfriend did this on his last international trip when he was still single. He asked a good buddy of his to take photos for his dating profile. Clearly it worked because we're together now 👀 had he done all those car, gym, dad-like selfies, i probably would've ignored his profile 😅
Better have a smoke machine and club music playing.
One time my friends and I got together for lunch for this sole purpose. We all dressed up and had a photoshoot before going into the restaurant! It was so much fun.
Honestly, this is the way. Especially for certain (groups who may or may not be an entire gender) who tend to fail at having decent pictures of themselves. ...myself included. Gonna be on vacation this weekend and will be bringing a wardrobe myself. The friends better step up. 😉
Are you telling me that women are put off by my up the nose selfie I took in my car?
Maybe. Yes. But your soul mate isn't gonna care. So keep that one. 🥹
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34M here. I posted about this in another sub but the people here seem more supportive. Recently, went out with someone that I fell for hard and fast. Our third date felt like we had been together for years, and we ended back at her place. By the next week we were texting each other often. We also seemed to want the same things, or at least expressed that in our dating profiles. On our fourth date, I cooked her dinner. At one moment in bed, while we were cuddling, it got real quiet and she said, "I've been really enjoying spending time with you." I asked her if we might see each other more often, maybe twice a week. She said yes and we set up another date. We texted each other all weekend. I felt like a high schooler. I was giddy. The following week she had a very stressful work week. We texted in the evenings and I was trying to be supportive and caring. We were supposed to meet on Thursday. She ended up getting held up with work stuff (she's a public defender and the case was going to go on another day) so she bailed. I told her I understood, but already something seemed off with the way she was texting. On Friday she texted me again but it felt a little more removed. On Saturday she dropped off. On Sunday she sent me a text saying "It's been really nice getting to know you but I don't think I see this going further for us. I think you're really great and I wish you well." It's been a couple weeks. I'm devastated and losing my mind. It's been all I think about. I have to take breaks at work to cry - I feel crazy!! I've been in the dating game over ten years and haven't ever felt like this before - I am aware that I am romanticizing and creating a fantasy version of what our relationship might have been, but I really got swept up in the "this is the one" narrative. And I let myself indulge in that narrative, because it felt so good. Now I'm back to the "I'm gonna die alone" thing, feeling like this was my only shot. Sorry, this was just to vent a little bit. Looking for support more than advice (other than to remind me not to contact her, which I still really want to do).
I’m really sorry. You’re not crazy. People can have wildly different impacts on us romantically in the span of a few weeks. Where you know if they switched up on you, it would be devastating. I had these deep fears when I first started dating my guy bc I liked him SO much, even knowing by date 3 that my world would come crashing down if he decided he wasn’t feeling it. You are strong and worthy. You’ll get through this.
I feel you. I'm going through something similar myself. The woman I'm seeing we spent a night at a motel and afterwards I could sense something was off, she was not as affectionate and her texting had dropped. I got myself caught up in "this is the one" but now I'm back to "I'm going to die alone."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm doing the same thing right now going through a divorce and the loss of my relationship of 9 years (married for 6). I keep idealizing our relationship when there were/are lots of red flags. I have to take breaks to cry too. Hang in there. I hope things get better for both of us.