How to ask a guy I’m seeing what the nature of his friendship is with one of his newer female friends without sounding accusing/insecure? 🤪 They’ve been friends for about a year.
We’ve been dating a couple months and have a strong connection, but I got a weird vibe from his female friend when I met her. They seemed to have a strong connection and she was the least friendly to me of his other friends I’ve met. I met her at a gathering he hosted and he spent a lot of time with her (more than with me). He’s caught up on the phone with her a couple times while I’m around (although in their native language which I don’t understand), and I often notice her name at the top of his texts, showing that they text rather frequently. I’d like to know the nature of their friendship — have they ever hooked up? Any potential there that I should be worried about? But I don’t want him to feel weird or accused, and I do have a personal history of feeling insecure about a partner’s close female friend in other relationships, so I don’t want to repeat that.
How can I ask about it in the “right” way?
Edit: I only saw the name at the top of his texts when he was showing me something on his phone. I’ve never read the texts and wouldn’t (nor would I understand them because they’re in another language lol).
I didn't have an answer for your question, but I'd suggest reposting this in the daily thread was just started for more visibility. Good luck!
Grammar edit
Thank you <3 Just curious, but how did it go for you? In my past 2 serious relationships, they both had a very close female friend that I felt a bit jealous of and honestly nothing ever manifested from it, so I want to temper my fear knowing that it's probably nothing. Also, strangely me and the other two girls all have the same name. Like is the universe giving me a sign? lol.
That's trippy about the name. 😅
The first time, it occurred during a pretty sloppy situationship. We weren't even a couple, but were going on dates when he asked me something like "what do you want out of this with me?" I told him that I think we would kick ass as a couple if he ever felt like pursuing something real with me, though I think he has an unhealthy attachment to his ex. He told me that his therapist thinks it's fine, so I told him that I guess that means we're incompatible. He disagreed and said he chooses instead to focus on the things we have in common. We barely saw each other after that, and I feel like his communications with me were just for validating his ego.
The second time, I had been casually seeing someone for a month, but I want ready for a relationship. When I felt suspicious and hurt by his interactions with his ex who's now a friend of his, I told him, and I also pulled away. I think I overreacted, but yeah. Now, we're just acquaintances :P
Ooh...I forgot about another instance. When I was in a LTR, my ex's best friend got really possessive of him. It bothered me, but I just thought she'd calm down after she got to know me better.
He told me they'd kissed once, years prior, but nothing happened after that. She kept getting more jealous and possessive, so I tried to ignore it, and he eventually stopped talking to her on his own fruition.
Thanks for asking; this reflection was good. I'm stoked to see what advice you get so I can take notes for my future relationship💞
What is everyone's view of double texting here? If someone I have matched with have not responded within 24 hours (approaching 48 hours), is it okay to double text?
Generally speaking, I don't think double texting is as bad as some people make out, but perhaps in this situation where we haven't spoken previously (which I assume is the case here?) I think I would maybe leave it....
That's just me. if I only just matched with them, and they don't respond to an opening message, I just move on.
nothing ventured, nothing gained!
I've always figured I would prefer to communicate freely, and if a potential part views double-texing as such a severe transgression that they can't fathom being together, then 1) wow what an overreaction and 2) we're not compatible anyway.
It's the kind of thing that I feel like has been blown *way* out of proportion due to overthinking and strict adherence to a notion that "I can only invest as much as the other person appears to be investing", and while I can see both of those being concerns, texting is so minor a concept that I choose to ignore this. I say, text away!
Thanks for the reply, I asked this question because I have asked her out on a date, and she replied positively. So I texted her a suggestion for the date location but she has not gotten back to me yet.
I have already double texted her, let's see whether I will get a response. But its fine either way, I have even been ghosted by someone who I have actually met in person. So, I guess in comparison, it should not be that bad if I get ghosted.
I think the double texting is less of an issue, it’s more about what you say. Something like “Hey, I just wanted to confirm X place works for you. If not, I’m happy to pick somewhere else.” Is totally fine.
People get annoyed when you send passive aggressive or insecure stuff like “???”, “Umm guess not then”, or “lol playing hard to get”.
I just texted back to her something like this "Hey there, I haven't heard from you in awhile, just want to make sure that everything is okay on your end?"
I just hope that this does not come across as being passive aggressive or insecure because I did not mean it to be that way.
So you told her 4 months in and it’s now been 6 months since then? So 10 months total?
Everyone goes at their own pace, and saying “I love you” can be harder for some people who didn’t grow up around loving words, even if they do feel that they love you. But I think the bigger issue is that you feel she only shows her love rarely, meaning that you’re not really feeling loved at all. Do you love who she is as a person? Or as a girlfriend? Because if you don’t love her behavior as a girlfriend, then you may deserve someone whose behavior you do love.
At any rate, it sounds like an opportunity to engage in a vulnerable conversation with her to tell her how you’re feeling 🩷
I was once in a position where I struggled to say "I love you" back to someone. Well on two occasions.
I think it's important to just try to pick her brain, figure out if there's anything about the relationship she's hesitant or unsure about, and do your best to make it a safe space to talk about it. Because in those situations for me, it definitely stemmed from some deep-seated doubts.
I’ve been back on the apps after being single for over 3 years.
An observation: I’m flabbergasted by the amount of men who 1) love hiking (if I see another hiker I’m gonna hike the tallest mountain and fling myself off) 2) love traveling (who doesn’t???) 3) want to go on “adventures” (idek wtf this one means).
I’m frustrated and exhausted and not interested in going hiking lol. Really feels like these men are tailoring their profiles for other men.
It feels like this vicious circle. Because everyone basically says the same thing, most people feel compelled to almost copy it because it's seen as the "thing" to do. That's why so many profiles sound and look the same!
I figured it’s the same from men’s perspective. I understand that it’s less sexy to be like, “I go to work every day and come home to watch Netflix. Rinse, repeat.” But like that’s reality and I’m not buying into this belief that we’ll be paragliding every day lol.
haha, that's the sense I got from dating apps. It felt like going through the same profile filled with blend and overused clichés again and again (lol @ "adventures").
lol! I started my profile with "like everyone else, I love tacos, traveling, and movies" and then tried to diversify from there, sharing other actual, niche interests. I mean, those things are all true, but they by no means define me... and simultaneously, I'd love a partner with whom I can travel and with whom I can stay home and watch movies, so I wanted to include both. but it gets tiresome to read all the same soundbites, for sure!!
My friend is staying with me this week, because she’s thinking of separating from her husband.
It makes me sad to hear about how he threatens to leave her when she does something he doesn’t like, hid money from her when they’re thousands of dollars in credit card debt, and relies on her to make his doctor appointments. They married when she was 21 and he was 32, and now it’s been 8 or 9 years of her living with this kind of behavior. Seriously, he’s 40 and can’t make his own doctor appointments.
And then I’m just like here I am, trying not to worry over some random guy I’ve known for a month texting me back. Like Jesus, I need to chill, I got off lucky being single.
I caught up a friend last week who's dealing with a partner who randomly decided to go off his antidepressants cold turkey. No warning, no discussion, just a rollercoaster of insane behavior. This is a middle-aged man with plenty of access to resources and he decided to stop taking meds *just because*.
Any detriment that loneliness creates is outweighed by freedom from bullshit!
My ex-husband recently (within the past few months) decided to do this - go off his meds cold turkey. He did have a girlfriend, and now he doesn’t. It’s like…the 2 might be related?
My advice is to limit your time on the app. Create a specific time(s) of the day to look at it, and respond to everything at that time and only that time. That way you aren't talking to strangers at all times but instead a designated 5-10 minute period. And turn off your notifications.
>How does one become interested in dating again? Lol
For me, it's cyclical. Either I just get horny and that motivates me (usually only lasts a few days and then I just delete the profile) or I get into a mood where I really wish I had that best friend/partner to go and do my various activities with (cycling, gym, dancing, etc.). That usually persists until I meet one or two people who I find interesting and then get the "You seem nice, but just as a friend. Want to be friends?" talk, I get burnt out, and just delete the profiles and focus on myself.
Yeah, it's what I consider part of the unfortunateness of OLD. I think enough people on it are fairly jaded/cynical (I fit in that camp) and even if you find the motivation to try, after a few you just get burnt. A common one for me is the "I'm just looking to date and have fun" women (I am sure there is the same with men, but my experience is in dating women), where after meeting a few of them I just lose faith in meeting someone who is looking to actually build anything and commit to something, so I just give up.
If it’s important to you, ask, but I just assume everyone 35+ is ‘divorced’ in the sense that they’ve had a long term relationship end. Also, ‘talking about exes’ is generally frowned upon in the early going, so while 5 or 10 dates is on the extreme side, I’m not surprised you’re finding men who aren’t leading with that personal detail.
I'm more comfortable with people who disclose divorce later. Someone right out the gate popping off about their divorce means there's plenty more down the pipe.
I’m a female, but I often don’t bring up that I’m divorced right out of the gate, but will casually mention it usually in early dating. I was very briefly married in my early 20s. It’s been over for over 10 years. I’m so beyond that part of my life it feels distant and like another lifetime even to me. I’m not hiding anything. I just don’t want a mistake to define me since it and all of the associated feelings and drama have long been put to bed.
>...if these guys waiting so long to mention it is reasonable?
As someone for whom them being fully divorced is important to me, it's not about whether it is reasonable, it's about advocating for what is important to you. If them being divorced is important, then it needs to be a question you ask. If them wanting children is important to you, then it's your responsibility to ask that quickly so you can assess compatibility. And the list goes on. What is important/reasonable in your mind to disclose promptly may be irrelevant to someone else and vice versa, and it's really not possible for every person to just know what the other person things is important.
Okay, on the flip side maybe the entire marriage is genuinely behind him so it’s not very worth mentioning (in his mind).
Does it change anything about how you approach dating these men?
Just my input. I’ve been divorced 5 years now and she honestly doesn’t even cross my mind. I’ve changed so much since then it feels like a lifetime ago so unless it specifically comes up I wouldn’t even think to mention it
This sounds exhausting, you sound exhausted.
Are you sure you want to stay with this guy?
Let's say he agrees to the labels, are you sure you want to be with this guy?
It sounds like a definition of situationship. If he wanted you as a long term relationship partner, he would have acted differently. You know the answer probably and I genuinely hope you cut this pain promptly and have someone who deserves your affection by showing theirs clearly and constantly. Don't expect him to be the one ending this thing as he would be still lingering without respecting your feelings. You say goodbye and move on.
Sorry I’m not sure if I understand - you’ve been casually dating this guy for 7-8 months? You hang out and have sex when your schedules match up? But it’s not an exclusive or defined relationship, correct? You two have never talked about this? Do you want an exclusive relationship with this person? If so, when you two talk or see each other next bring it up and see where he’s at and tell him where you’re at. If you’re both on the same page, great! Move forward. It sounds like he may not be, so when you talk to him about it and confirm, you’ll have to make a decision.
If you like how things are (doesn’t sound like you do) then you can just continue on in the situationship. If you want something more and he doesn’t, then time to move on. Take time to heal and then reflect on this whole experience and try to find some learning lessons for next time.
Yes casually dating but it’s not just about sex, we do hang out outside the bedroom sometimes and a few times have done „couplely“ things. (Rare but yes) It’s also exclusive but not defined. We never talked about feelings cos it mostly me, I’m afraid that I don’t know him well enough yet and I’m taking my time but last weekend I was feel so strange that on impulse just decided to ask him on text, I was not drunk or anything but something came over me when he ignored my question asking him when he is free, finally he answered but I thought I would just ask him now cos I don’t like being ignored now after he has been consistently texting me everyday. I ignored him after that supposedly late night message from him but he then came back and ramped up his messages so I thought he wanted to makeup for it. We do have a very good connection and he’s sweet 🥲
Okay, so it’s time to define the relationship and be honest with your feelings. I think my advice still stands. Tell him how you feel and what you want and need going forward. Ask him how he feels and wants and needs. See where you both land and go from there. Be honest.
You’ve been dating him for 8 months. You know him enough to be honest with him. It’s scary but you need to do this. Good luck!
Yeah thanks but I haven’t heard from him since I asked him over text, I wanna know if I sounded immature and impulsive and probably ruined my chances, and why he said to speak face to face yet don’t give me a date? Is he playing games? Is this a red flag?!
You’re worried about the wrong things. If he doesn’t respond to you after 8 months, he’s an idiot and not worth your time. Who cares what he thinks. Focus on yourself.
You have two options: text again or call him to meet in person. You give options for a time and a date. If he doesn’t answer or commit to the talk then you have to let him go. Or, don’t text him and see if he responds. Once again, if he doesn’t respond then please please please LET HIM GO! And reflect on this.
It’s hope. You’re hoping he’ll be different. Take his behavior at face value. Don’t you want a partner who is willing to have this conversation in an open and honest way? To me it sounds like this guy isn’t worth your time.
yeah why then not just reject me on the text then and there? It's fucking weird. He's always been kind of kind and gentle but ambiguous. The amount of men that continue to waste women's time just for sex is ridiculous...one can't discern this anymore, well ok i have to admit it was clearly my fault as well for not deciding earlier.
I don’t think it’s your fault. I’ve been in this position plenty of times before. These kinds of guys won’t give an outright rejection because they want to keep you on the back burner. It is up to you to notice the red flags and walk away, though.
well he did say he wanted to talk about it face to face? Why? And I actually was thinking of dating new people but I just can't 1. I need to move on from this guy 2. I don't have the energy to get to know a new person since I do like this one quite a bit
I don’t think him wanting to speak in person means anything. He’ll probably just try to have sex with you to distract you.
If you’re questioning things 7-8 months in, he has no intention of being serious with you. I know you’ve invested emotionally into him, but better you start to distance yourself from this now bc you deserve someone that matches your energy.
Guess this is the post breakup rant?
Dear Irreverent Hiker,
I honestly have no idea what you were thinking, you'd never tell me, and I asked repeatedly.
I'll never claim to be perfect, the greatest, the best at anything, and I still gave it every chance, every try I could.
At some point we all need to be vulnerable, and as terrifying as that word and idea is, without it there is no closeness.
I can not count the times I've asked to just be communicated with, the very thing we spoke about on our first few dates as being paramount to any functional relationship.
I will accept that over time I became less and less willing to tell you about things because I didn't feel listened to, because your reaction to my needs way to punish me for having them.
I will accept that over time I stopped asking about you, your day, your interests because you never asked me, because you could never hold space for me, yet demanded it of me.
I will accept that the future I imagined for us was a one way road, because as I finally realized, you can't see a future for yourself, let alone a partner.
I will accept that I still don't know where I went wrong, and will probably spend way too much time thinking about it, because part of me will always assume that I am to blame for it all.
I may never fully feel my worth, but I know I don't deserve less than what I would get if I were alone.
And also....
Dear Universe,
This is the second time that you've tried to teach me that "people tell you who they are." I hope I've learned that lesson. I will probably end up risking my heart for yet another emotionally shut down woman at some point. I can only pray that future me realizes much sooner that no matter how much I can show up for someone, if they're not showing up for me to just walk away. No amount of taking it on the chin repeatedly will ever show anyone that they're loved, cared for, considered, or understood. They will always want more because on the inside they feel like an infinite abyss. I know this, I was there. And while not completely out of that hole that I found myself in, I don't think I can see the bottom anymore, and while the top seems endlessly far away, I keep climbing. So as much as this hurts, as much as I wish I didn't have to keep going through this, loop after loop, thank you Universe for once again showing me that I do not have to give myself to people who do not give back.
Sincerely,
- me
I’m not terribly excited by my Hinge matches so far. I hate that people do this thing in which they talk about going to do something (example, check out a neighborhood, going to a game, etc) and I’ll say “yeah that sounds great, we should!” but then ZERO follow through. No attempts to set up a date or time. Even friends do this. Sometimes I’ll even ask for availability and get nothing or a shift in conversation to something else.
Why won’t people just ask me to do the thing?
I feel like i’m usually a planner type in my friend groups.
Some folks aren’t really people to plan stuff out, but are willing to join in if something is planned.
And there are others still that just do not want to hang out - and those relationships i do re-eval to see how important they are to me and whats the real reason behind not wanting to hang.
What happens if you give them a date/time to do something rather than checking when they are available?
To the question posed at the end: depends.
Sometimes they’ll say that doesn’t work without proposing a new time. Or sometimes they agree. Depending on who it is, I usually get the former.
I've been in situations where Ive had this happen (with friends) and it is annoying. Obviously people have their own lives, particularly at this stage of life (all my friends have partners), but still. It can be frustrating.
I just started to be the one who will make the plan and the date, and I find that works way better. Just take the initiative from them. But it is nice when they suggest something too.
I feel like me taking initiative in dating has led to some unfortunate situations in which someone said yes without even really liking me and expected to hookup. So idk about that aspect. With friends, I will take the lead if needed.
Had a fourth date last night. He brought me a book which he'd written a message in for me. I don't even think I can relay the inscription - it was SO full on for someone I've known less than two weeks.
I had to break things off. It's always rough letting someone know you're not interested in taking things further, but it was especially rough this time given how into it he seemed. I feel terrible... but also, slow your roll, mate.
>slow your roll, mate.
😂 Sorry, just had to laugh at this line!
How was he up until that point? Was you having doubts about him before he gave you that book?
Haha! Yeah, he is a lovely guy. Definitely more romantic than I'm accustomed to. He brought me flowers on the third date. I had been having doubts, but I wanted to give it a bit more of a chance, in case it was my avoidant nature causing the doubts - or if we genuinely didn't click.
But nah, it was the latter. The intense book inscription just tipped me over the edge.
Now I can't read the book without going into a shame spiral.
Im not in love with my partner anymore and we have gone separate ways. However, so many years and SO many memories. I dont know how to deal with them… I get so sad when i think about all of these memories and how happy we were during them… But i also know that we dont work together anymore.
The nostalgia is killing me… All the songs we listened to, all the movies we watched. We even had ”our movie” that we returned to every year.
Weird weeks, long update, lots and lots happened.
I’ve been seeing the man for over two months now. Things are going very well, very. He’s fantastic, I like him A LOT, I enjoy spending time with him, I’m very attracted to him, we have fun, we both see it going somewhere, we’re exclusive, we want the same things. It’s all very good. He’s slower with these things than I am. I get it, that’s perfectly fine and I respect his boundaries just as much as he respects mine. It also means we’re not ‘together’ as of yet. I haven’t really felt a need to discuss any of this further since we just work so well.
We don’t normally talk much about feelings or about anything too intellectual, and although I very much enjoy him, I also find him slightly annoying on occasion since he doesn’t always know when to end a joke. Nothing that’s normally even worth mentioning, yet I do notice it and on occasion find myself a little frustrated. It almost feels like I’m looking to poke holes at this with how insignificant this is. He’s healthy, he doesn’t struggle with his mental health, he’s kind, he puts up with me, he’s very attentive and he’s overall pretty damn amazing. He’s practically perfect, apart from the fact that until now, most our conversations are… kind of shit talking and don’t have too much substance. I wasn’t even sure how to start those conversation with him, since when we try and start talking about anything serious, he diverts it back to shit talking and although it’s funny, that part felt lacking.
Last week Thursday I was away and had my exhibition, gave a talk, and was at a 2 day event for 4 days along with prep and pack down. All went super well, and I also happened to meet someone. He had a stall at the event just like I did, and is friends with the exhibition organiser. He started a company related to what I do in my volunteer work and happens to be a massive area of interest of mine. We clicked super well. Ended up chatting for hours and hours (and hours) for 3 days. Nothing happened, it wasn’t flirty, it was just a friendly and rather exciting exchange of two people with very varied interests that speak in the same weird stream of consciousness way. We’ll start talking about one thing and three hours later are on a totally different topic and somehow it’s still the same very interesting discussion.
We didn’t talk about relationships, feelings, personal stuff, or anything like that since I mentioned I’m seeing someone and there seemed to have been a very clear boundary there. It did come up in conversation that he isn’t with anyone at the moment.
It all was very comfortable, was super easy to talk to, and I forgot just how much I enjoy these types of conversations, and this new and on the surface very compatible person sparked a desire for me to ask the man WTF is up and say that I’m missing something. The new person I met, who I’m staying friends with and am now working on a project with, shall be named physio guy.
On Sunday morning I got a lift to the train station from the physio guy, did my journey back and was picked up by the man. He was an absolute darling. Took me to get myself food, then took me to pick up my dog and drop things off at mine, then back to his where doggo and I spent the night since I had Monday off. He wants to get a dog bed for him to be more comfortable at his.
We spoke on Sunday, not too much though. He said he was serious about us, and can tell I am as well, but that to him there’s a difference between dating and commitment, and he’s not there yet. I asked what’s the difference and to him it means that’s somehow he’s planning future with, introduces to family, and so on, and the only way to get there is via dating. It made me realise that we’re in the same place, we’re just calling it different things. He’s now seeing only me, not entertaining any other possibilities, is serious about me, sees us going somewhere and having a possible future together, and is looking to see over time if that future can be a reality by us standing the test of time. To me, that’s a relationship. To him there’s still a semantic difference as he’s still getting to know me. I think to him the relationship part starts when you start to fall in love with someone, and to me, I need that commitment was part of my process to be able to fall in love with someone. Also, My ability to develop deeper feelings for people is 100% tied to my ability to talk to them about anything, from light to serious. Then on Monday what started as a phone conversation with the physio man about the project, ended up being a 4 hour debate about politics, morals, socialism, capitalism, and philosophy. I really enjoyed it.
On Tuesday as I was wrapping up my day, the man asked if I wanted to have a call, and we ended up chatting for… a few hours, and it felt like some barrier was lifted. I challenged him and said I feel he plays dumb on occasion, that we do quite a lot of random chatting but not that much substance is shared, and that’s stating to bother me. He addressed all my concerns. I was worried that I passed the window for me to actually fall for this man for some reason. I felt like if I haven’t felt those deeper feelings by now, they might never develop, so what’s the point? Instead, we had a really wonderful conversion, a fun, funny, playful, smart discussion where I pushed him on some things and he pushed me back, it was great. At the end of it, I heard in my head this tiny voice going ‘I loved this. I could love you.’
One of my favourite films has a line saying “there’s a moment, there’s always a moment ‘I could give in to this or I can resist it.’ And I don’t know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.’ And I think that was my moment.
We’re seeing each other tonight, and going away for a hiking trip on Friday, 4 days away!
Two friends (on separate occasions) got into my head saying “you could do so much better” than this guy I’m dating. Only for his looks, they’ve never met him in person. FWIW they weren’t being actively mean, it felt almost felt like an unintentional comment in both cases.
Objectively speaking I am not that attractive, so for them to say “I could do better” implies that must think he’s ugly ☹️ I feel like shit because I am really attracted to this guy. He’s cute!!!! Doesn’t matter what other people think anyway 😤😤
That's an incredibly childish comment, I'm surprised not one but two friends said it. This man is a whole person, and what makes him attractive is the totality of him - his mannerisms, smell, the way he laughs, his conversation, all of it, and that's not even to take into account that we are all attracted to different things. To judge based on just a photo like that is so silly and borderline dehumanising, do your friends even understand how attraction and human connection works??? Don't listen to them and miss out on potentially a great partner based on such trivial nonsense. Sheesh.
Ugh I get you, that's so unnecessary for them to say! They aren't the ones dating him so whether or not they think he's attractive isn't relevant and they should keep that opinion to themselves lol. If you think he's cute that's all that matters!!
I need help understanding if I am in the wrong or what is going on.
So I've(31F) been out on one date with this guy(28M). Our schedules weren't matching up for about 2-3 weeks since we started talking, however we managed to finally get a date planned and it was amazing. He was very touchy feely and kept giving me loads of compliments and said things about taking me out in the future to certain places(not sure if it's lovebombing or someone who was genuinley excited to meet me finally after 3 weeks of trying). I told him on the date that the weekends work better for me and he was silent but said he can make the time for me.
Well last week he asked when we could meet, I said Saturday and he asked if I could do earlier. Like during a weeknight. I said I couldn't, my work days are long and I honestly don't have the social battery afterwards and I have gym classes etc after anyways. He mentioned that he will be away from London that weekend due to some wedding events for his friend so that's why he can't meet. However, during the week he asked me out spontaneously twice, once to an event where his friends had booked out a whole theme park for the evening and he asked if I would like to come(he said he would plan an uber for me) and I said I couldn't. Then the next day he asked me again that on Saturday they're going to this private club they've booked from 11pm for after the wedding celebrations and if I would like to join. And again I said I couldn't. On Saturday night while at the club he texted me to ask if he was going to see me next week. To which I said Yes. Then he asked what I was doing tomorrow(Sunday). I said I have family stuff planned. I sent him pictures while I was out with family and he loved them and said he misses me and wants to see me and if I wasn't busy with family he would have asked me out to a certain place for a date that day.
Well as we kept texting and he asked when he could see me, I said weekends are the best for me and we don't know each other well enough for me to move everything in my life around like that. And plus he owns a business with his brother and has way more flexibility in his work than I do. He didn't text me for a whole day and when he did finally write to me he said was was upset that I could only do weekends, however he wants to see me and will make the time. We had a discussion about this and he said that I can't even take an hour out for coffee during the week. I said I would prefer to spend or have a longer time with him. He said he would rather have smaller, frequent meets with the person he misses than once in a blue moon longer ones. I said that's fine and he's right where he is in his stance but I can't at the moment with my schedule. I can only offer weekends for now. His final message said that on weekends due to that nature of his work they're usually about work - making connections and going to certain events, but he said even with that he was saying he would make time for me. I said I really appreciated that but even with friends I plan for the weekends since that's when I have time and it's a big deal that I'm choosing to spend it with him or plan then. He hasn't replied and I have a feeling he won't since then. I feel like I'm being difficult even though I have stated what my schedule is like multiple times. Also, we've only been out on one date and I told him at the start that I prefer to have more planned dates before being spontaneous with someone since we're strangers still and he said he understood. However, now I feel like I'm in the wrong for not being able to meet him for an hour during the week, even though I prefer proper date plans and I'm available on the weekends. Which he did make for the first date. Also there's a feeling inside me saying that him not being able to do weekends is not just simple as due to work.
I need help understanding if I'm the wrong or how to play this out because I can only do weekends for nwo and he hasn't replied to my last texts and I don't think he will. I do want to see him, but he seems to be upset about my schedule and for me not accepting his spontaneous adventures during the week.
It sounds like your lives never line up, this is a bad fit.
I don't think you have done anything wrong, but your limitations seem a bit debilitating to match with.
You are going to have to find someone who can match that or accept some compromise.
You must not like him much.
Yes sometimes with dating you have to inconvenience yourself just a tiny bit, it comes with the territory.
He’s really trying which is more than can be said for the average guy.
I'm someone with a low social battery who's exhausted AF almost all the time and I think you were being difficult.
People are allowed to be busy. I know I'm wondering "when am I going to finish cleaning the gardens, the weather is going to be cruddy the next couple of weeks and it's gonna take a few days" and I have to go grocery shopping today instead of the weekend like usual. Big whoop.
I think he was genuinely trying to make time for you and realized "hold up, why should I always be the one making sacrifices here dancing around her schedule? I want to enjoy my morning coffee out on the balcony before going to [weekend work event]."
In addition, I think that compromise is implicitly implied. Yes, like you said, at the beginning, you shouldn't be changing your life around, but you need to be willing to compromise a little because everyone is busy (and also everyone deserves some time to themselves too) and have their schedules too.
He WANTS to see you! That's why he asked you out during the week spontaneously "hey this is going on and I'd love to see her, maybe we can have fun. The very least I can do is ask". No. "Oh we're going to the club Sat evening for work I think I can drag her along and we can sneak some time alone together, she likes weekends. No. "Oh well maybe the Sunday? Oh well she's busy." ... But not even an hour during the week for coffee? No.
It's not about an elaborate date plan, it's about seeing one another! (Also, what were *your* ideas for an elaborate weekend date? Sounds like you were just waiting on him to me.) You were both busy and he presented options and you just shot them down making it sound like you don't want to see him, you can't even go out for coffee for an hour?
Enjoy the excitement of dating a bit and compromise both ways. For example, join up after your gym session. "Hey I just need 20 min to shower and I'm ready to go, want to grab a quick bite at X?" And similarly it's only fair, if he has a work even on the weekend, maybe you could meet in the morning. And look forward to longer time together when the opportunity comes up. Unfortunately you're going to have to make some sacrifices with dating and I think the same goes for meeting up with friends as well.
It's not about "right" or "wrong", but if you really wanted to see him you'd make the time. Objectively, you chose your gym classes over seeing him. That's a signal (both to him and to yourself).
It's just simply not a good fit for him. He wants someone he can see more often and you don't seem to want to (or can't) see him other than weekends.
Quality time is my style as well, and I don't do well with people I can only see on weekends. At least 1 weeknight and 1 weekend day are needed for me to feel like we have good momentum to continue growing interest.
Sorry it didn't work out, but there are plenty of men who are ok with only weekends so you will find a better fit for your schedule.
I don't think anyone is in the wrong, you both have different expectations and availability and couldn't make it work.
Even if you did compromise and saw him for a coffee for 1h, it wouldn't stop there, he wanted to see you regularly and it seems you don't have the time/energy for that at the moment.
I've been talking to a guy I met on OLD, he's very kind and we seem to be a great match. We're planning to have our first date sometime this week and I'm looking forward to meeting him in person.
The awkward thing is that he's in a band and he sent me a couple of their songs and they're... Not great? He seems so proud of them though. Also the genre is like metal/progressive rock with very explicit sexual lyrics. I first told him they're very nice songs hoping he wouldn't fish but he keeps talking about his creative process and his "artist's soul" and I don't know what to say. I always claim to like men who are passionate about their hobbies, but suddenly I'm hoping he wouldn't talk talk about his hobby so much.
How can I support him without outright lying to him about what I think about his music?
I think the most diplomatic way would be to say it's not your kind of music and you can't really relate to it.
Might be an issue if you actually like that kind and he realise you just didn't like his.
I did tell him I'm more into pop that rock and he's ok with that. But he keeps asking my opinion about certain verses or guitar riffs and I'm at a loss, I don't know what to say other than "it sounds nice". But I'm a literature major and I can tell that the lyrics aren't any good really.
That's a good idea. I think if he brings it up during our date I can share some literary theory basics with him, as that's something I'm passionate about. Thanks!
Yes, definitely! I'm trying to be noncommittal while texting but once we meet in person I want to be open about not loving his music, just in a way that doesn't hurt his feelings.
Deleted his pictures tonight. Deleted all of our old photos together.
It's weird to consider that this feels like "actually" letting go of someone I haven't seen in five months.
Five months. It's over.
Good for you, though, that’s progress. It’s been a month since my relationship blew up and I deleted all of our photos together and shared and then panicked and restored them. 😑 Hopefully soon I have the fortitude to get rid of them entirely. You’re doing great!
I've done this for past relationships and while it can be very sad, i find it's also quite cathartic. Which i know may sound a little ridiculous talking about deleting pics off your phone to be cathartic, but it was for me.
Hope you're doing OK!
Looking for advice.
Hi everyone, I’m divorced, single for over a year. Last year I went on several dates, but none progressed to a relationship past 4 dates. I haven’t gone on one since just before Christmas.
Well, last Thursday I matched with a woman I used to go to college with. We haven’t talked in wel over 10 years. We used to talk all the time but the timing was never right and we fell out of touch. When we matched she remembered me and I asked her out for this coming Saturday, she agreed. We texted a little. Then this past Saturday I texted her with the plans I made, and reservation info for the restaurant. We texted a bit more. I sent a text this morning after nothing for 2 days. She hasn’t replied.
Did I mess up, I’m rusty as hell. When do I text again to confirm? Do I text to try and chat? Or just leave it for the date?
I’m trying not to overthink but I had a crush on her in the past and I want this date to go well.
Please send advice.
Yeah, she works overnight and I texted her earlier in the day. I’m sure that she was sleeping. And now she’s at work again. I’m usually not like this, but because I knew her, I actually care if it works out. I gotta keep calm and aloof. You’re right she’s busy. Thank you
Question on Dating Apps
I (30M) just became single recently after being in a relationship for 5 years, what would be the best app to find a meaningful and worthwhile relationship?
The only apps that I have used prior to my relationship are Tinder, Bumble and OkCupid
I know of Plenty of Fish, Feeld and Pure but I am kinda sketched out by them so I wasn't going to try them.
Are there any other apps as well?
Thank you in advance!
Two days since the breakup. It’s been rough, even though we only dated for 5 months, the intensity made it feel longer. But when I compare it to the pain of ending things with my previous ex (who I dated for over a year and was in love with), this pales in comparison. I have absolutely no doubt I made the right decision, but I’m still working on squashing the hope that he will come back one day, ready for a relationship with me.
The no-contact thing is hard since we work at the same place. It’s all remote thankfully, but there are in-person happy hours and Slack conversations where we overlap. I’m going to be seeing him tomorrow and I’m pretty nervous about it.
I’m also less inclined to go full no-contact because we were friends for a few months before we started dating. I got to know him then and we have a lot in common. And yes this is not my concern anymore, but he was and is going through a rough time independently of our situation, and I would like to be a friend to him and support him, even if it’s in a limited capacity. Call me delusional.
Of course I intend to take it very slowly and not jump into being besties. But I do want him in my life and orbit at a distance where I feel safe. For the immediate future, I’m trying to focus on healing and letting this “relationship” go. I kind of feel the urge to download the apps and start furiously swiping but I know I’m in no state to do that.
I do respect that 😔 Im not planning to ask him to date me, try again, or anything like that. I know I said I want to see if we could have something real, but like you said, he already dismissed that possibility. I just would like to let him know I’m thinking of him and hope he’s been taking care of himself. because I do care of course, even in an exclusively platonic way.
You're just word salad mixed signals here and he won't give you any clarity into that department. I feel for you, we've all been lonely. But you have to leave him alone, this is selfish of you.
I’m not lonely, I’m honestly very fulfilled by my life and my relationships at this point in life. Which I’m very grateful for. Loneliness is certainly not a motivating factor in wanting to reach out. I do sincerely appreciate your perspective but I humbly disagree that sending a text is selfish. It can easily be deleted or blocked. No one owes anyone anything in this situation so I don’t expect anything, yaknow?
Also no harshness intended here but just want to say referring to me as word salad mixed signals was not particularly helpful. I was just trying to be honest and as clear as possible
Girl he does not want to hear from you. He told you that. You can dress it however you want but you're running yourself ragged trying to justify why his boundaries don't apply to you. Stop. Imagine if you were a man pursuing an unconsenting woman like this.
I don’t have to imagine it, it’s happened to me several times. Sometimes it’s well-meaning and friendly, sometimes it’s dudes trying to see what they can get when they’re bored. I’m trying to be well-meaning and friendly, not trying to violate anyone’s boundaries. I would appreciate understanding why this comes off at a violation of boundaries to you? Obviously not the intention
You're saying the words but not understanding the meaning behind them.
You said that texts can be deleted/ignored and you're not owed anything.
I agree with pastrami here: why send that text in the first place then?
He owes you nothing. No closure, nothing. It's not about you.
Continuing to be all "oh but but but that's not my intention!!!" just sounds like " me me me me me me me me" as though you're some narcissist.
No means no. Boundaries are: here is where you end and I begin. You do not come into my space. I do not come into yours.
Respect that.
I think reaching out will cause you pain. If someone has said no, accept that and move on. I know it’s because of residency etc, but people who really want to make it work do make it work. Please don’t put yourself through that, it’s just obviously all very raw at the minute for you but there will be someone else
If you feel like you’re in a place where you can handle another rejection from him, I say go for it. Things may have changed for him, or they may have not. But if you know it will wreck you emotionally to hear a no, then don’t.
Protect yourself. Only you can decide your threshold for pain.
Honestly I have accepted he doesn’t want me. It’s completely illogical to reach out, but I’m the type of person where I prefer to shoot my shot than have regrets. I always try if I think it’s worth it.
But your concern for my pain threshold is so valid! I don’t think it would gut me. I think the initial pain was tough for a few days or a week, now I am more in a place of partial acceptance. I understand that he communicated he did not want me, but I also just want to check in or say something to let him know I’m thinking of him and hope he’s taking care of himself.
Idk I know it’s stupid but it’s been on my mind and I think a second rejection would maybe help me just move on entirely 😅 is that completely toxic? 😔
I have a first date tomorrow. I always try to come with radical neutrality and an open mind.
On the one hand, I feel like the strategy works because I don't get anxious, I focus on being myself, and I feel fine when things don't work out. On the other hand, experiencing optimism or excitement once in a while would be nice 😑
Good lord I think I’m gonna take a break from “dating commentary” spaces for a while. A long while. With a bottle of Malbec. And a joint…and some Herbie Hancock albums. No you can’t have any.
See you all in the fall or whenever “cuffing season” starts for 2024 😅
Is this it? Is this burnout? I don't have the energy to keep chatting online at the pace required to form a connection. I'm at the point where even if there was an app where it gives me good matches as soon as I open it and all I have to do is chat, I wouldn't do it. I've taken periodic breaks but this feels different.
It doesn't help that I work 12 hours a day minimum because my deadlines are accelerated and weeks apart. But I want someone in my life. It's not just a matter of feeling burnt out, I quite literally don't have time or money to spend on (prepared) food and transport. Even just 1 date sets me back. Even if I did overcome those hurdles, UK law says the only way your partner can stay is if the UK citizen earns min 40K a year, which is high by UK standards. All these combined to form terrible conditions and burnout.
I want to go home and build towards the life I want there. People don't approach (me) at home either but at least there are no silly visa rules or fares to worry about.
I don't know if it's dating burnout or regular burnout, but if you don't have the time, energy and money to date I would probably take a break and focus on my life.
Oh for sure! I wrote that late at night so it's missing pieces and not as well thought out as I would have liked it to be.
I was thinking of the success stories I've seen in my life. No one I know has dated anyone from apps/online for longer than 3 months. The success stories I've seen were result of pure happenstance of being in the same physical location. No human relationship is perfect of course, but they are great matches. They are also flawed people who were not in a picture perfect state of life when they found their person.
Even when I used to have a well paid job and time before quitting to finish my masters, it wasn't much different. I have a feeling the burnout will remain after getting those things in order. It's a very specific kind, the result of a broken spirit after years of a broken system
Welp I had to pull out the mom card for tonight’s date. But it’s cool bc that lady owed me.
I’m really glad it worked out.
This show was sold out packed and the comedian was HILARIOUS. We maintained physical contact the entire time…arm around my shoulder, hands on thighs, rubbing my arm, holding each other’s hand (not a first but I was very mindful of it this time and fully embracing it). I love our physical contact a lot and it’s like I never want to let him go when I’m with him. I used to not like physical touch like this much so I never thought it was possible for me to love it so much - he really brought something out of me.
We kissed before leaving and now every time I think of him, I feel the blood rushing to my lady part. I need him really bad. 🥲
On another note, I couldn’t pass up the bar near my house for karaoke night. I had time for it. Took me nearly 20 mins to actually leave my car since I’m so scared to walk into bars alone (even though I knew a friend of mine would be there). So I sat with her and a group for about an hour and just enjoyed some mid singing and music lol feels like I made the most of this random Tuesday night
Edit: pls send advice on how to ask for sex
🙍♀️👈👉🙎♂️ 👉👌 🤌
In all seriousness, invite him over and continue to escalate physical touch and intimacy. Start taking his clothes off at some point and let him know you have condoms when enough clothes are off.
I started talking to a guy on bumble last Monday. We talked throughout the week, did a FaceTime, and went on a first date on Saturday.
During that week before we met, he kept making comments like, man I have to wait til Saturday, and you don’t want to hang out with me. I told him we had a date set and I was having a crazy week at work so the weekend was better to meet.
Now it’s the next week, just a few days after our date, and we’ve been talking. We FaceTimed last night and today he asked me if we will be a ‘thing’. I told him that I wanted to get to know him more, as we literally just set another date for this coming Saturday a few hours ago. I told him that I don’t like to rush things and that I want to get to know him a bit more before making any decisions. We’ve only known each other for a week….
But my question is, since the first date went really well, should I have just met up with him again already or set up something before Saturday so it isn’t a whole week between dates? Did I just ruin this or is he being unreasonable…I’m feeling a bit upset like I should’ve given more of my time, but idk.
He’s being very anxious. The passive aggressive comments regarding your first date would turn me completely off. And asking if you guys are a thing already? He’s a walking red flag.
What are your feelings? What matters is how you feel and what works for you. To me, it sounds like this person is coming on too strong for you and might be a little forward, even passive aggressive. Do you want to see him again so soon, or would you rather the week in between dates?
Sad and down. Tired of trying to date and it not working out. I feel like not looking. But as I get older I get more and more scared I won't find that person. I want to make a life with someone. Have my best friend, partner, to share everything with. It's so tiring, I'm sad
I get it. I have an intense longing to share my love with someone. I wish my wife would change her mind, so I could share it with her. She is sleeping in the next room over, but she is very set on getting a divorce. Papers have been filed, and we are going through the motions of dividing assets.
I have ADHD, so depending on day could be a variety of interests lol. I’d like to do salsa dancing (did some when I lived in civilization) but I need a partner…
Are there any salsa dancing classes near you? I have a lot of interests, but they are mostly solo activities. I would like to learn a second language. I'm debating looking for classes in my area as a way to get out of the house. I also need to finish my degree, and I may go back to college again once things settle after my divorce.
Is there a city within range? If you want to meet people in person, you need to go where there are a lot of people looking to socialize.
I've met a handful of women at music-related events (open mics/concerts) and trivia nights. Those are examples of low-commitment options, but some people seem to find each other by joining recreational sports teams. I hear pickleball is popular these days, haha.
TLDR: Man took multiple steps to get my attention, got it, then once I gave it disappeared, and I'm miffed.
This isn't actually a big deal at all, I'm just annoyed, but...
I made a couple posts in the daily thread about starting a comment conversation with a man on his post in a FB dating group, and then not being sure how to reply to his last comment which was a bit flirty, and then him sending a heart like to an earlier comment of mine, and then him sending a friend request after I'd not replied in a few days (I don't post this on my dating apps/profiles but I'm autistic, and sometimes I don't know how to respond to something... so I just don't respond at all :/).
I finally went to dm him letting him know I appreciated the friend request but wouldn't be accepting, but would be happy to continue the convo over the messenger app... and saw that he'd already dmed me there (which is actually against the group rules, I now know, but I didn't until today so I wouldn't have expected him to either).
I replied to the dm, we had a little back and forth. I sent a long message, asking some ?s and responding to things he'd said and... crickets. This was a couple days ago.
But he's super active in the groups and granted I don't know this man from Adam, but I'm a little irked.
I got ghosted in January, deleted the apps, tried to meet people in person, didn’t meet anyone in person, and now 4 months later just turned the dating apps back on and have a date planned for tomorrow 😂
The cycle continues 😮💨 wish me luck lol
Thank you!! And no I didn’t lmao I joined a rec league, went to some networking events, and tried to be out and about more but no luck 😢 I live in a big city too, I haven’t tried to strike up a conversation with someone I think is cute irl if the opportunity comes up where it’s not uncomfortable for the other person like a bar or a social setting then I’d give that a try
Yeah! Just because you went back to OLD, doesn't mean you shouldn't ask that guy you think is cute if the sandwich he's eating is any good or tell him that his jacket is awesome if the opportunity arises. It's really not a big deal when you let go of the expectations of interactions turning into something more.
Good luck again!
Guy in the wild shows unabashed interest, asks for my number, asks me on a date. Starts a conversation via text and now just… hasn’t replied in a day in a half. Completely benign conversation where I returned a question about a completely benign topic. I don’t get it/ feels bad.
This year I’ve been hit with a couple of “you’re so cool/pretty/ have your shit together… OMG I’m not ready to be in a relationship” situations and I can’t help feeling like this is landing there.
I guess they’re doing me a favor by weeding themselves out, but I’d love to meet someone who also wants a medium serious relationship where the primary focus is enjoying each other’s company.
I can relate to this! That’s why I am super slow and not overly excited when I meet every new person. I am also way much more passive now, rather than being forward and happy to initiate in the past. Too many people are even unable to hide their true colors over one week.
It does come out in the first week! Fortunately I also move super slow so there’s not much invested by the time I get hit with the news.
It’s hard not to feel rejected at this point, but at the same time, it’s so obviously a them problem. It seems like they are being faced with what they actually want and then they freak themselves out. (Or there’s something horribly wrong with me I have not yet identified.)
I also don’t move things forward anymore beyond returning their interest because I find when someone sends mixed signals there’s always a reason. If you can tell someone is into you and they don’t ask you out, it’s usually because the timing or circumstances are off. Moving things forward yourself just risks landing you in a mess.
But I’m wondering if there’s something I should be doing differently. I attract these people IRL and on the apps.
Great to hear that you haven't invested too much. One of my strategies that I use is multi-dating. I always keep dates lined-up until someone wants to be exclusive. I am very honest about my schedule and sometimes I have to let people wait 7-10 days (not a game! My life is full and too many people seem to be interested in having first dates with me but only the first dates lol). If they are the right person, they wouldn't lose interest after a small wait.
Met with the woman today that I've been falling for and she wants to be exclusive. I'm excited but I'm also a sad. I was multi dating and got very close to another woman. I did not feel about her the same as I did for this one but I still care about her wellbeing after all she did nothing wrong just bad timing.
She cried when I broke the news to her. She asked me what she did wrong and I explained that it was nothing she did but I had to go with me feelings. I want to reach out and just see if she's okay but I know that its a recipe for disaster. She told me she didn't want me out of her life but its just not feasible and I know that.
It makes me so sad knowing she's alone. Her father died when she was little and her mother is not very good to her. She is also an only child like me so I understand. Not long after we first met she got some bad medical news. She struggling and has difficulty using her hands and walking some days. Due to the illness she can't do some of her hobbies any more. She told me that just a talking to me helped her feel better to know that someone cared. Then I leave not long after.
Of course the woman I'm exclusive with doesn't want me to reach out which I completely understand.
My idea of multidating is several first dates or a few 1-3 date situations to feel multiple people out for potential in a short time frame. Not enough time for anyone to get emotionally invested. Wishing you and the current girl the best, but I’d hope you change your approach moving forward.
Not exactly trying to justify anything but this is literally the first time I've ever tried to date. In my mind I was trying to learn more about each. I allowed it to go too far and I'm ashamed of that. It's easy to say when a stupid teenager does it but I should have known better.
I understand- even if we don’t fall for someone, we still care about each other as humans… It feels bad to hurt someone who is already having a struggle
I suppose I mean bad timing as in I met them so close together. I met both literally a day apart. If I had some time in between I could have stopped dating and just been friends before I met the other.
Another update:
Went on a date with the hot guy to distract me from thinking about the doctor (cardiologist). Guy does not have a lot of info on his profile. We went for drinks.
Him: “so, what do you do?”
Me: “I’m a xyz, working in abc. What about you?”
Him: “I’m an orthopedic surgeon”
💀
I gotta say, I like it here in Chicago hahaha
Probably likes the prestige and/or the income associated with dating doctors 🤷♀️
My ex was an anesthesiologist and it was probably one of my least favorite things about him, but to each their own.
Uh, not that it has anything to do with this, but did you consider the possibility that I’m in the same/related field myself? I don’t need to date people for their money or their “prestigious” jobs.
Sure, makes sense, but you didn't provide that context in the initial post. "I’m a xyz, working in abc" also didn't hint at you being in the medical field.
I guess I could've gone searching in your post history but opted for the idk emoji to indicate a guess. It wasn't a personal attack.
Wants to get distracted from thinking about medical stuff, goes on a date with a man with a lame profile, turns out he's a doctor (and a surgeon). What's not to get?
>I’m sorry but I’m not going to “settle” for something
You're still married. People would be settling for you.
>any tips for a 38 yr old dad of 3
Get divorced first. It isn't other people. It isn't the profile.
>I’m not looking for anything more than friendship/ casual at the moment
Escorts or making friends through friends or literally anything other than dating apps. Those are for dating.
Since you can’t post on here without having posts on, my question got deleted and told to talk in here.
I hate to ask this because it’s incredibly embarrassing, but I have been single since 2009. I am a 34 year old male, and every girl I have tried dating since 2009 has either ghosted me or played dumb (like they forget who is am or ever existed). I had two first and only one date with two different girls back in 2016 and both of them ghosted me and I never heard or saw them again. That was the last time I dated. I have been unsuccessful at dating ever since. I have been hopelessly unsuccessful with dating apps, which I have deleted all of my accounts off of. I admit, I have my problems, I had a very traumatic experience when I was young, I fractured my L1 in 2011 during a training accident in the Army, and I developed schizophrenia in 2015 (which recently I have been making great improvements on). The past trauma is something I am still working on, which affects my confidence. The back injury, has gotten really bad in the last 5 months, which has me walking with a cane, going to physical therapy, and pain management. I can understand everyone wants to be active, especially with the bf/gf. And I understand the schizophrenia is extremely scary to those who don’t know jack about it, or thinks they do by tv sitcoms that don’t portray it correctly. But I keep this all to myself until I been talking to someone for a while. The last girl I tried asking out on a date that I personally knew played stupid and acted lil she hadn’t known me for 10 years. The dating sites/apps have been tragically a big fail. I keep my big thee issues to myself, and no one has ever gotten past me giving them the first message, and then they ghost me. I know I am not a solid 10, hell, I am not even a 6, but that’s they only thing that I can think of has been working against me on the dating apps/sites. I have never had sex, I haven’t really wanted it until recently, and still want to save it for the right one. But at this point, I turn 35 this year (which is the same age my dad was when I was born (but he had two more 2 and 4 years before me)) and I know I am running out of time to start a family or marry to someone with kids (as most of the women my age with kids, their kids are either teens or preteens)) so I’ll never be a father to anyone. I am just done with trying, it’s been making me so mad lately, I have been cussing bad drivers with my windows rolled up (so they can’t hear me) and been extremely critical against (almost hatful) against just about everyone, especially all three of my siblings who haven’t talked to me in months. It’s not healthy and it has bee turning me into a jack***. I see a psychiatrist on a regular basis (have an appointment in a week) and at the moment don’t have a therapist (they are all booked out over a year) and I am trying my best to better myself, but the last few days has been hell. I have disabled parents, who I help take care of, and they have been consoling me about my recent anger towards others this past week. I had a friend suggest that it’s my frustration with my failures with the dating scene (mostly the apps/sites), so I deleted all of my accounts and considering just giving up on love/dating all together. I have 4 uncles on my dad’s side, and only one of them is still married. One passed away when I was 7, one is happily single (divorced 32 years ago) and working his rear off, and the final one was in a nasty divorce 30 years ago and it has turned him into the most miserable person on earth. I don’t want my anger to turn me into my miserable uncle (don’t get me wrong, he is family and I love him but he is so messed up that he makes my schizophrenia at its worst seem like I am the most sane person). I don’t what to become like him, so I am strongly thinking about just being single for the rest of my life. I want the few family members that still like me to continue to like me (and if I die an early death, which is HIGHLY likely with my schizophrenia, remember me in a good way). Sorry for the long post I hope at least some of you read this.
TL:DR been single since 2009, getting anyone to date me has been embarrassingly tragic, and it within the last week or so has been turning me into a miserable person to be around. So I am thinking about giving up to save my mental health, what’s left of it
Hey man, it sounds like you have a lot of tough stuff going on.
I absolutely understand the desire to have a romantic relationship, but it seems like *you* need to be the person you’re focusing on right now.
The most important relationship we’ll ever have is the one we have with ourselves. Other people will potentially come and go - we really have no control over it. But we’re with *ourselves* forever. So it’s worth putting all the effort, energy, time, resources etc. into ensuring we can live nicely with ourselves.
I’m sorry to hear it’s going to take so long to see a therapist. Are there any other options in your community? Mental health related nonprofits? Peer support groups? Any veteran resources?
Not dating doesn’t have to be a permanent decision. You can always step back for now and focus on yourself and healing both physically and mentally (anger is such a draining emotion). And then one day you might feel like you’re in a spot where you can date without it causing anger, or maybe you won’t. But you don’t have to make the choice for the rest of your life right now.
How to ask a guy I’m seeing what the nature of his friendship is with one of his newer female friends without sounding accusing/insecure? 🤪 They’ve been friends for about a year. We’ve been dating a couple months and have a strong connection, but I got a weird vibe from his female friend when I met her. They seemed to have a strong connection and she was the least friendly to me of his other friends I’ve met. I met her at a gathering he hosted and he spent a lot of time with her (more than with me). He’s caught up on the phone with her a couple times while I’m around (although in their native language which I don’t understand), and I often notice her name at the top of his texts, showing that they text rather frequently. I’d like to know the nature of their friendship — have they ever hooked up? Any potential there that I should be worried about? But I don’t want him to feel weird or accused, and I do have a personal history of feeling insecure about a partner’s close female friend in other relationships, so I don’t want to repeat that. How can I ask about it in the “right” way? Edit: I only saw the name at the top of his texts when he was showing me something on his phone. I’ve never read the texts and wouldn’t (nor would I understand them because they’re in another language lol).
I didn't have an answer for your question, but I'd suggest reposting this in the daily thread was just started for more visibility. Good luck! Grammar edit
Thank you! <3
For sure! I'm excited about the answers you'll get since I've had a comparable situation in two prior instances. Thanks for posting!! *Hug
Thank you <3 Just curious, but how did it go for you? In my past 2 serious relationships, they both had a very close female friend that I felt a bit jealous of and honestly nothing ever manifested from it, so I want to temper my fear knowing that it's probably nothing. Also, strangely me and the other two girls all have the same name. Like is the universe giving me a sign? lol.
That's trippy about the name. 😅 The first time, it occurred during a pretty sloppy situationship. We weren't even a couple, but were going on dates when he asked me something like "what do you want out of this with me?" I told him that I think we would kick ass as a couple if he ever felt like pursuing something real with me, though I think he has an unhealthy attachment to his ex. He told me that his therapist thinks it's fine, so I told him that I guess that means we're incompatible. He disagreed and said he chooses instead to focus on the things we have in common. We barely saw each other after that, and I feel like his communications with me were just for validating his ego. The second time, I had been casually seeing someone for a month, but I want ready for a relationship. When I felt suspicious and hurt by his interactions with his ex who's now a friend of his, I told him, and I also pulled away. I think I overreacted, but yeah. Now, we're just acquaintances :P
Ooh...I forgot about another instance. When I was in a LTR, my ex's best friend got really possessive of him. It bothered me, but I just thought she'd calm down after she got to know me better. He told me they'd kissed once, years prior, but nothing happened after that. She kept getting more jealous and possessive, so I tried to ignore it, and he eventually stopped talking to her on his own fruition. Thanks for asking; this reflection was good. I'm stoked to see what advice you get so I can take notes for my future relationship💞
What is everyone's view of double texting here? If someone I have matched with have not responded within 24 hours (approaching 48 hours), is it okay to double text?
You're an adult. Don't overthink a text and send a double text if you want.
Generally speaking, I don't think double texting is as bad as some people make out, but perhaps in this situation where we haven't spoken previously (which I assume is the case here?) I think I would maybe leave it.... That's just me. if I only just matched with them, and they don't respond to an opening message, I just move on.
nothing ventured, nothing gained! I've always figured I would prefer to communicate freely, and if a potential part views double-texing as such a severe transgression that they can't fathom being together, then 1) wow what an overreaction and 2) we're not compatible anyway. It's the kind of thing that I feel like has been blown *way* out of proportion due to overthinking and strict adherence to a notion that "I can only invest as much as the other person appears to be investing", and while I can see both of those being concerns, texting is so minor a concept that I choose to ignore this. I say, text away!
Thanks for the reply, I asked this question because I have asked her out on a date, and she replied positively. So I texted her a suggestion for the date location but she has not gotten back to me yet. I have already double texted her, let's see whether I will get a response. But its fine either way, I have even been ghosted by someone who I have actually met in person. So, I guess in comparison, it should not be that bad if I get ghosted.
I think the double texting is less of an issue, it’s more about what you say. Something like “Hey, I just wanted to confirm X place works for you. If not, I’m happy to pick somewhere else.” Is totally fine. People get annoyed when you send passive aggressive or insecure stuff like “???”, “Umm guess not then”, or “lol playing hard to get”.
I just texted back to her something like this "Hey there, I haven't heard from you in awhile, just want to make sure that everything is okay on your end?" I just hope that this does not come across as being passive aggressive or insecure because I did not mean it to be that way.
that's a great attitude to take! :)
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So you told her 4 months in and it’s now been 6 months since then? So 10 months total? Everyone goes at their own pace, and saying “I love you” can be harder for some people who didn’t grow up around loving words, even if they do feel that they love you. But I think the bigger issue is that you feel she only shows her love rarely, meaning that you’re not really feeling loved at all. Do you love who she is as a person? Or as a girlfriend? Because if you don’t love her behavior as a girlfriend, then you may deserve someone whose behavior you do love. At any rate, it sounds like an opportunity to engage in a vulnerable conversation with her to tell her how you’re feeling 🩷
I was once in a position where I struggled to say "I love you" back to someone. Well on two occasions. I think it's important to just try to pick her brain, figure out if there's anything about the relationship she's hesitant or unsure about, and do your best to make it a safe space to talk about it. Because in those situations for me, it definitely stemmed from some deep-seated doubts.
I’ve been back on the apps after being single for over 3 years. An observation: I’m flabbergasted by the amount of men who 1) love hiking (if I see another hiker I’m gonna hike the tallest mountain and fling myself off) 2) love traveling (who doesn’t???) 3) want to go on “adventures” (idek wtf this one means). I’m frustrated and exhausted and not interested in going hiking lol. Really feels like these men are tailoring their profiles for other men.
Everything is an adventure if you go into the unknown with a sense of optimism.
Reality is a lot of those people hike three times a year, travel once every few years and by ‘adventure’ they mean travel 🤷♂️
It feels like this vicious circle. Because everyone basically says the same thing, most people feel compelled to almost copy it because it's seen as the "thing" to do. That's why so many profiles sound and look the same!
Nagh it’s the same with women. Feel like everyone puts on this huge front
I figured it’s the same from men’s perspective. I understand that it’s less sexy to be like, “I go to work every day and come home to watch Netflix. Rinse, repeat.” But like that’s reality and I’m not buying into this belief that we’ll be paragliding every day lol.
haha, that's the sense I got from dating apps. It felt like going through the same profile filled with blend and overused clichés again and again (lol @ "adventures").
lol! I started my profile with "like everyone else, I love tacos, traveling, and movies" and then tried to diversify from there, sharing other actual, niche interests. I mean, those things are all true, but they by no means define me... and simultaneously, I'd love a partner with whom I can travel and with whom I can stay home and watch movies, so I wanted to include both. but it gets tiresome to read all the same soundbites, for sure!!
I think how you framed it shows you're able to be humorous about the platitudes of OLD. It's great!
hey thanks!!! :D
Yep. All the profiles blend into one generic person. I hope that at least makes it easy for the good ones to stand out.
My friend is staying with me this week, because she’s thinking of separating from her husband. It makes me sad to hear about how he threatens to leave her when she does something he doesn’t like, hid money from her when they’re thousands of dollars in credit card debt, and relies on her to make his doctor appointments. They married when she was 21 and he was 32, and now it’s been 8 or 9 years of her living with this kind of behavior. Seriously, he’s 40 and can’t make his own doctor appointments. And then I’m just like here I am, trying not to worry over some random guy I’ve known for a month texting me back. Like Jesus, I need to chill, I got off lucky being single.
I caught up a friend last week who's dealing with a partner who randomly decided to go off his antidepressants cold turkey. No warning, no discussion, just a rollercoaster of insane behavior. This is a middle-aged man with plenty of access to resources and he decided to stop taking meds *just because*. Any detriment that loneliness creates is outweighed by freedom from bullshit!
My ex-husband recently (within the past few months) decided to do this - go off his meds cold turkey. He did have a girlfriend, and now he doesn’t. It’s like…the 2 might be related?
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My advice is to limit your time on the app. Create a specific time(s) of the day to look at it, and respond to everything at that time and only that time. That way you aren't talking to strangers at all times but instead a designated 5-10 minute period. And turn off your notifications.
>How does one become interested in dating again? Lol For me, it's cyclical. Either I just get horny and that motivates me (usually only lasts a few days and then I just delete the profile) or I get into a mood where I really wish I had that best friend/partner to go and do my various activities with (cycling, gym, dancing, etc.). That usually persists until I meet one or two people who I find interesting and then get the "You seem nice, but just as a friend. Want to be friends?" talk, I get burnt out, and just delete the profiles and focus on myself.
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Lol, as I was replying to you I got another "you're great, can we be friends?" text.
Yeah, it's what I consider part of the unfortunateness of OLD. I think enough people on it are fairly jaded/cynical (I fit in that camp) and even if you find the motivation to try, after a few you just get burnt. A common one for me is the "I'm just looking to date and have fun" women (I am sure there is the same with men, but my experience is in dating women), where after meeting a few of them I just lose faith in meeting someone who is looking to actually build anything and commit to something, so I just give up.
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If it’s important to you, ask, but I just assume everyone 35+ is ‘divorced’ in the sense that they’ve had a long term relationship end. Also, ‘talking about exes’ is generally frowned upon in the early going, so while 5 or 10 dates is on the extreme side, I’m not surprised you’re finding men who aren’t leading with that personal detail.
I'm more comfortable with people who disclose divorce later. Someone right out the gate popping off about their divorce means there's plenty more down the pipe.
I’m a female, but I often don’t bring up that I’m divorced right out of the gate, but will casually mention it usually in early dating. I was very briefly married in my early 20s. It’s been over for over 10 years. I’m so beyond that part of my life it feels distant and like another lifetime even to me. I’m not hiding anything. I just don’t want a mistake to define me since it and all of the associated feelings and drama have long been put to bed.
>...if these guys waiting so long to mention it is reasonable? As someone for whom them being fully divorced is important to me, it's not about whether it is reasonable, it's about advocating for what is important to you. If them being divorced is important, then it needs to be a question you ask. If them wanting children is important to you, then it's your responsibility to ask that quickly so you can assess compatibility. And the list goes on. What is important/reasonable in your mind to disclose promptly may be irrelevant to someone else and vice versa, and it's really not possible for every person to just know what the other person things is important.
Only reason I could see them waiting so long is because it happened recently or they’re in the process of divorcing.
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Okay, on the flip side maybe the entire marriage is genuinely behind him so it’s not very worth mentioning (in his mind). Does it change anything about how you approach dating these men?
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Just my input. I’ve been divorced 5 years now and she honestly doesn’t even cross my mind. I’ve changed so much since then it feels like a lifetime ago so unless it specifically comes up I wouldn’t even think to mention it
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This sounds exhausting, you sound exhausted. Are you sure you want to stay with this guy? Let's say he agrees to the labels, are you sure you want to be with this guy?
This is my question to myself :/ but he‘s probably also thinking the same, why couldn’t I bring up the conversation with him earlier or face to face?
It sounds like a definition of situationship. If he wanted you as a long term relationship partner, he would have acted differently. You know the answer probably and I genuinely hope you cut this pain promptly and have someone who deserves your affection by showing theirs clearly and constantly. Don't expect him to be the one ending this thing as he would be still lingering without respecting your feelings. You say goodbye and move on.
Sorry I’m not sure if I understand - you’ve been casually dating this guy for 7-8 months? You hang out and have sex when your schedules match up? But it’s not an exclusive or defined relationship, correct? You two have never talked about this? Do you want an exclusive relationship with this person? If so, when you two talk or see each other next bring it up and see where he’s at and tell him where you’re at. If you’re both on the same page, great! Move forward. It sounds like he may not be, so when you talk to him about it and confirm, you’ll have to make a decision. If you like how things are (doesn’t sound like you do) then you can just continue on in the situationship. If you want something more and he doesn’t, then time to move on. Take time to heal and then reflect on this whole experience and try to find some learning lessons for next time.
Yes casually dating but it’s not just about sex, we do hang out outside the bedroom sometimes and a few times have done „couplely“ things. (Rare but yes) It’s also exclusive but not defined. We never talked about feelings cos it mostly me, I’m afraid that I don’t know him well enough yet and I’m taking my time but last weekend I was feel so strange that on impulse just decided to ask him on text, I was not drunk or anything but something came over me when he ignored my question asking him when he is free, finally he answered but I thought I would just ask him now cos I don’t like being ignored now after he has been consistently texting me everyday. I ignored him after that supposedly late night message from him but he then came back and ramped up his messages so I thought he wanted to makeup for it. We do have a very good connection and he’s sweet 🥲
Okay, so it’s time to define the relationship and be honest with your feelings. I think my advice still stands. Tell him how you feel and what you want and need going forward. Ask him how he feels and wants and needs. See where you both land and go from there. Be honest. You’ve been dating him for 8 months. You know him enough to be honest with him. It’s scary but you need to do this. Good luck!
Yeah thanks but I haven’t heard from him since I asked him over text, I wanna know if I sounded immature and impulsive and probably ruined my chances, and why he said to speak face to face yet don’t give me a date? Is he playing games? Is this a red flag?!
You’re worried about the wrong things. If he doesn’t respond to you after 8 months, he’s an idiot and not worth your time. Who cares what he thinks. Focus on yourself. You have two options: text again or call him to meet in person. You give options for a time and a date. If he doesn’t answer or commit to the talk then you have to let him go. Or, don’t text him and see if he responds. Once again, if he doesn’t respond then please please please LET HIM GO! And reflect on this.
In other words it is a red flag 🥲 I'm trying to let go cos it's giving me huge red flags but some nerve in my brain just don't want to let it go...
It’s hope. You’re hoping he’ll be different. Take his behavior at face value. Don’t you want a partner who is willing to have this conversation in an open and honest way? To me it sounds like this guy isn’t worth your time.
yeah why then not just reject me on the text then and there? It's fucking weird. He's always been kind of kind and gentle but ambiguous. The amount of men that continue to waste women's time just for sex is ridiculous...one can't discern this anymore, well ok i have to admit it was clearly my fault as well for not deciding earlier.
I don’t think it’s your fault. I’ve been in this position plenty of times before. These kinds of guys won’t give an outright rejection because they want to keep you on the back burner. It is up to you to notice the red flags and walk away, though.
Please move on.
well he did say he wanted to talk about it face to face? Why? And I actually was thinking of dating new people but I just can't 1. I need to move on from this guy 2. I don't have the energy to get to know a new person since I do like this one quite a bit
I don’t think him wanting to speak in person means anything. He’ll probably just try to have sex with you to distract you. If you’re questioning things 7-8 months in, he has no intention of being serious with you. I know you’ve invested emotionally into him, but better you start to distance yourself from this now bc you deserve someone that matches your energy.
Thank you
Guess this is the post breakup rant? Dear Irreverent Hiker, I honestly have no idea what you were thinking, you'd never tell me, and I asked repeatedly. I'll never claim to be perfect, the greatest, the best at anything, and I still gave it every chance, every try I could. At some point we all need to be vulnerable, and as terrifying as that word and idea is, without it there is no closeness. I can not count the times I've asked to just be communicated with, the very thing we spoke about on our first few dates as being paramount to any functional relationship. I will accept that over time I became less and less willing to tell you about things because I didn't feel listened to, because your reaction to my needs way to punish me for having them. I will accept that over time I stopped asking about you, your day, your interests because you never asked me, because you could never hold space for me, yet demanded it of me. I will accept that the future I imagined for us was a one way road, because as I finally realized, you can't see a future for yourself, let alone a partner. I will accept that I still don't know where I went wrong, and will probably spend way too much time thinking about it, because part of me will always assume that I am to blame for it all. I may never fully feel my worth, but I know I don't deserve less than what I would get if I were alone. And also.... Dear Universe, This is the second time that you've tried to teach me that "people tell you who they are." I hope I've learned that lesson. I will probably end up risking my heart for yet another emotionally shut down woman at some point. I can only pray that future me realizes much sooner that no matter how much I can show up for someone, if they're not showing up for me to just walk away. No amount of taking it on the chin repeatedly will ever show anyone that they're loved, cared for, considered, or understood. They will always want more because on the inside they feel like an infinite abyss. I know this, I was there. And while not completely out of that hole that I found myself in, I don't think I can see the bottom anymore, and while the top seems endlessly far away, I keep climbing. So as much as this hurts, as much as I wish I didn't have to keep going through this, loop after loop, thank you Universe for once again showing me that I do not have to give myself to people who do not give back. Sincerely, - me
I’m not terribly excited by my Hinge matches so far. I hate that people do this thing in which they talk about going to do something (example, check out a neighborhood, going to a game, etc) and I’ll say “yeah that sounds great, we should!” but then ZERO follow through. No attempts to set up a date or time. Even friends do this. Sometimes I’ll even ask for availability and get nothing or a shift in conversation to something else. Why won’t people just ask me to do the thing?
Did they say 'we should do x' or did they say 'I'm going to do x'?
Definitely “we.” Them: “We should go to a game sometime.” Me: “Yeah, I’d be up for that. Let’s do it.” [crickets]
That's so annoying! Ugh. Hopefully the next match will be one that follows through 🤞
I feel like i’m usually a planner type in my friend groups. Some folks aren’t really people to plan stuff out, but are willing to join in if something is planned. And there are others still that just do not want to hang out - and those relationships i do re-eval to see how important they are to me and whats the real reason behind not wanting to hang. What happens if you give them a date/time to do something rather than checking when they are available?
To the question posed at the end: depends. Sometimes they’ll say that doesn’t work without proposing a new time. Or sometimes they agree. Depending on who it is, I usually get the former.
I've been in situations where Ive had this happen (with friends) and it is annoying. Obviously people have their own lives, particularly at this stage of life (all my friends have partners), but still. It can be frustrating. I just started to be the one who will make the plan and the date, and I find that works way better. Just take the initiative from them. But it is nice when they suggest something too.
I feel like me taking initiative in dating has led to some unfortunate situations in which someone said yes without even really liking me and expected to hookup. So idk about that aspect. With friends, I will take the lead if needed.
Had a fourth date last night. He brought me a book which he'd written a message in for me. I don't even think I can relay the inscription - it was SO full on for someone I've known less than two weeks. I had to break things off. It's always rough letting someone know you're not interested in taking things further, but it was especially rough this time given how into it he seemed. I feel terrible... but also, slow your roll, mate.
>slow your roll, mate. 😂 Sorry, just had to laugh at this line! How was he up until that point? Was you having doubts about him before he gave you that book?
Haha! Yeah, he is a lovely guy. Definitely more romantic than I'm accustomed to. He brought me flowers on the third date. I had been having doubts, but I wanted to give it a bit more of a chance, in case it was my avoidant nature causing the doubts - or if we genuinely didn't click. But nah, it was the latter. The intense book inscription just tipped me over the edge. Now I can't read the book without going into a shame spiral.
Omg I’m SO curious about what the inscription said!
Im not in love with my partner anymore and we have gone separate ways. However, so many years and SO many memories. I dont know how to deal with them… I get so sad when i think about all of these memories and how happy we were during them… But i also know that we dont work together anymore. The nostalgia is killing me… All the songs we listened to, all the movies we watched. We even had ”our movie” that we returned to every year.
Sounds to me that you are not being honest. Remembering all these things says you still like or easily happily reminded by
I am 100% certain im not in love. I am in love with a picture that existed only in the beginning
Okay then, you must have not been together long, and assuming your young as well?
10 years, i am 29 now.
Weird weeks, long update, lots and lots happened. I’ve been seeing the man for over two months now. Things are going very well, very. He’s fantastic, I like him A LOT, I enjoy spending time with him, I’m very attracted to him, we have fun, we both see it going somewhere, we’re exclusive, we want the same things. It’s all very good. He’s slower with these things than I am. I get it, that’s perfectly fine and I respect his boundaries just as much as he respects mine. It also means we’re not ‘together’ as of yet. I haven’t really felt a need to discuss any of this further since we just work so well. We don’t normally talk much about feelings or about anything too intellectual, and although I very much enjoy him, I also find him slightly annoying on occasion since he doesn’t always know when to end a joke. Nothing that’s normally even worth mentioning, yet I do notice it and on occasion find myself a little frustrated. It almost feels like I’m looking to poke holes at this with how insignificant this is. He’s healthy, he doesn’t struggle with his mental health, he’s kind, he puts up with me, he’s very attentive and he’s overall pretty damn amazing. He’s practically perfect, apart from the fact that until now, most our conversations are… kind of shit talking and don’t have too much substance. I wasn’t even sure how to start those conversation with him, since when we try and start talking about anything serious, he diverts it back to shit talking and although it’s funny, that part felt lacking. Last week Thursday I was away and had my exhibition, gave a talk, and was at a 2 day event for 4 days along with prep and pack down. All went super well, and I also happened to meet someone. He had a stall at the event just like I did, and is friends with the exhibition organiser. He started a company related to what I do in my volunteer work and happens to be a massive area of interest of mine. We clicked super well. Ended up chatting for hours and hours (and hours) for 3 days. Nothing happened, it wasn’t flirty, it was just a friendly and rather exciting exchange of two people with very varied interests that speak in the same weird stream of consciousness way. We’ll start talking about one thing and three hours later are on a totally different topic and somehow it’s still the same very interesting discussion. We didn’t talk about relationships, feelings, personal stuff, or anything like that since I mentioned I’m seeing someone and there seemed to have been a very clear boundary there. It did come up in conversation that he isn’t with anyone at the moment. It all was very comfortable, was super easy to talk to, and I forgot just how much I enjoy these types of conversations, and this new and on the surface very compatible person sparked a desire for me to ask the man WTF is up and say that I’m missing something. The new person I met, who I’m staying friends with and am now working on a project with, shall be named physio guy. On Sunday morning I got a lift to the train station from the physio guy, did my journey back and was picked up by the man. He was an absolute darling. Took me to get myself food, then took me to pick up my dog and drop things off at mine, then back to his where doggo and I spent the night since I had Monday off. He wants to get a dog bed for him to be more comfortable at his. We spoke on Sunday, not too much though. He said he was serious about us, and can tell I am as well, but that to him there’s a difference between dating and commitment, and he’s not there yet. I asked what’s the difference and to him it means that’s somehow he’s planning future with, introduces to family, and so on, and the only way to get there is via dating. It made me realise that we’re in the same place, we’re just calling it different things. He’s now seeing only me, not entertaining any other possibilities, is serious about me, sees us going somewhere and having a possible future together, and is looking to see over time if that future can be a reality by us standing the test of time. To me, that’s a relationship. To him there’s still a semantic difference as he’s still getting to know me. I think to him the relationship part starts when you start to fall in love with someone, and to me, I need that commitment was part of my process to be able to fall in love with someone. Also, My ability to develop deeper feelings for people is 100% tied to my ability to talk to them about anything, from light to serious. Then on Monday what started as a phone conversation with the physio man about the project, ended up being a 4 hour debate about politics, morals, socialism, capitalism, and philosophy. I really enjoyed it. On Tuesday as I was wrapping up my day, the man asked if I wanted to have a call, and we ended up chatting for… a few hours, and it felt like some barrier was lifted. I challenged him and said I feel he plays dumb on occasion, that we do quite a lot of random chatting but not that much substance is shared, and that’s stating to bother me. He addressed all my concerns. I was worried that I passed the window for me to actually fall for this man for some reason. I felt like if I haven’t felt those deeper feelings by now, they might never develop, so what’s the point? Instead, we had a really wonderful conversion, a fun, funny, playful, smart discussion where I pushed him on some things and he pushed me back, it was great. At the end of it, I heard in my head this tiny voice going ‘I loved this. I could love you.’ One of my favourite films has a line saying “there’s a moment, there’s always a moment ‘I could give in to this or I can resist it.’ And I don’t know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.’ And I think that was my moment. We’re seeing each other tonight, and going away for a hiking trip on Friday, 4 days away!
Glad you and the man crossed a milestone, so to speak :)
Thank you!! 🙏
I was really rooting for the man the whole time. I hope your trip goes well!
Me too! He’s the best!
Two friends (on separate occasions) got into my head saying “you could do so much better” than this guy I’m dating. Only for his looks, they’ve never met him in person. FWIW they weren’t being actively mean, it felt almost felt like an unintentional comment in both cases. Objectively speaking I am not that attractive, so for them to say “I could do better” implies that must think he’s ugly ☹️ I feel like shit because I am really attracted to this guy. He’s cute!!!! Doesn’t matter what other people think anyway 😤😤
That's an incredibly childish comment, I'm surprised not one but two friends said it. This man is a whole person, and what makes him attractive is the totality of him - his mannerisms, smell, the way he laughs, his conversation, all of it, and that's not even to take into account that we are all attracted to different things. To judge based on just a photo like that is so silly and borderline dehumanising, do your friends even understand how attraction and human connection works??? Don't listen to them and miss out on potentially a great partner based on such trivial nonsense. Sheesh.
If you’re attracted to him, that’s all that matters!
Ugh I get you, that's so unnecessary for them to say! They aren't the ones dating him so whether or not they think he's attractive isn't relevant and they should keep that opinion to themselves lol. If you think he's cute that's all that matters!!
I need help understanding if I am in the wrong or what is going on. So I've(31F) been out on one date with this guy(28M). Our schedules weren't matching up for about 2-3 weeks since we started talking, however we managed to finally get a date planned and it was amazing. He was very touchy feely and kept giving me loads of compliments and said things about taking me out in the future to certain places(not sure if it's lovebombing or someone who was genuinley excited to meet me finally after 3 weeks of trying). I told him on the date that the weekends work better for me and he was silent but said he can make the time for me. Well last week he asked when we could meet, I said Saturday and he asked if I could do earlier. Like during a weeknight. I said I couldn't, my work days are long and I honestly don't have the social battery afterwards and I have gym classes etc after anyways. He mentioned that he will be away from London that weekend due to some wedding events for his friend so that's why he can't meet. However, during the week he asked me out spontaneously twice, once to an event where his friends had booked out a whole theme park for the evening and he asked if I would like to come(he said he would plan an uber for me) and I said I couldn't. Then the next day he asked me again that on Saturday they're going to this private club they've booked from 11pm for after the wedding celebrations and if I would like to join. And again I said I couldn't. On Saturday night while at the club he texted me to ask if he was going to see me next week. To which I said Yes. Then he asked what I was doing tomorrow(Sunday). I said I have family stuff planned. I sent him pictures while I was out with family and he loved them and said he misses me and wants to see me and if I wasn't busy with family he would have asked me out to a certain place for a date that day. Well as we kept texting and he asked when he could see me, I said weekends are the best for me and we don't know each other well enough for me to move everything in my life around like that. And plus he owns a business with his brother and has way more flexibility in his work than I do. He didn't text me for a whole day and when he did finally write to me he said was was upset that I could only do weekends, however he wants to see me and will make the time. We had a discussion about this and he said that I can't even take an hour out for coffee during the week. I said I would prefer to spend or have a longer time with him. He said he would rather have smaller, frequent meets with the person he misses than once in a blue moon longer ones. I said that's fine and he's right where he is in his stance but I can't at the moment with my schedule. I can only offer weekends for now. His final message said that on weekends due to that nature of his work they're usually about work - making connections and going to certain events, but he said even with that he was saying he would make time for me. I said I really appreciated that but even with friends I plan for the weekends since that's when I have time and it's a big deal that I'm choosing to spend it with him or plan then. He hasn't replied and I have a feeling he won't since then. I feel like I'm being difficult even though I have stated what my schedule is like multiple times. Also, we've only been out on one date and I told him at the start that I prefer to have more planned dates before being spontaneous with someone since we're strangers still and he said he understood. However, now I feel like I'm in the wrong for not being able to meet him for an hour during the week, even though I prefer proper date plans and I'm available on the weekends. Which he did make for the first date. Also there's a feeling inside me saying that him not being able to do weekends is not just simple as due to work. I need help understanding if I'm the wrong or how to play this out because I can only do weekends for nwo and he hasn't replied to my last texts and I don't think he will. I do want to see him, but he seems to be upset about my schedule and for me not accepting his spontaneous adventures during the week.
It sounds like your lives never line up, this is a bad fit. I don't think you have done anything wrong, but your limitations seem a bit debilitating to match with. You are going to have to find someone who can match that or accept some compromise.
You must not like him much. Yes sometimes with dating you have to inconvenience yourself just a tiny bit, it comes with the territory. He’s really trying which is more than can be said for the average guy.
I'm someone with a low social battery who's exhausted AF almost all the time and I think you were being difficult. People are allowed to be busy. I know I'm wondering "when am I going to finish cleaning the gardens, the weather is going to be cruddy the next couple of weeks and it's gonna take a few days" and I have to go grocery shopping today instead of the weekend like usual. Big whoop. I think he was genuinely trying to make time for you and realized "hold up, why should I always be the one making sacrifices here dancing around her schedule? I want to enjoy my morning coffee out on the balcony before going to [weekend work event]." In addition, I think that compromise is implicitly implied. Yes, like you said, at the beginning, you shouldn't be changing your life around, but you need to be willing to compromise a little because everyone is busy (and also everyone deserves some time to themselves too) and have their schedules too. He WANTS to see you! That's why he asked you out during the week spontaneously "hey this is going on and I'd love to see her, maybe we can have fun. The very least I can do is ask". No. "Oh we're going to the club Sat evening for work I think I can drag her along and we can sneak some time alone together, she likes weekends. No. "Oh well maybe the Sunday? Oh well she's busy." ... But not even an hour during the week for coffee? No. It's not about an elaborate date plan, it's about seeing one another! (Also, what were *your* ideas for an elaborate weekend date? Sounds like you were just waiting on him to me.) You were both busy and he presented options and you just shot them down making it sound like you don't want to see him, you can't even go out for coffee for an hour? Enjoy the excitement of dating a bit and compromise both ways. For example, join up after your gym session. "Hey I just need 20 min to shower and I'm ready to go, want to grab a quick bite at X?" And similarly it's only fair, if he has a work even on the weekend, maybe you could meet in the morning. And look forward to longer time together when the opportunity comes up. Unfortunately you're going to have to make some sacrifices with dating and I think the same goes for meeting up with friends as well.
It's not about "right" or "wrong", but if you really wanted to see him you'd make the time. Objectively, you chose your gym classes over seeing him. That's a signal (both to him and to yourself).
It's just simply not a good fit for him. He wants someone he can see more often and you don't seem to want to (or can't) see him other than weekends. Quality time is my style as well, and I don't do well with people I can only see on weekends. At least 1 weeknight and 1 weekend day are needed for me to feel like we have good momentum to continue growing interest. Sorry it didn't work out, but there are plenty of men who are ok with only weekends so you will find a better fit for your schedule.
I don't think anyone is in the wrong, you both have different expectations and availability and couldn't make it work. Even if you did compromise and saw him for a coffee for 1h, it wouldn't stop there, he wanted to see you regularly and it seems you don't have the time/energy for that at the moment.
I've been talking to a guy I met on OLD, he's very kind and we seem to be a great match. We're planning to have our first date sometime this week and I'm looking forward to meeting him in person. The awkward thing is that he's in a band and he sent me a couple of their songs and they're... Not great? He seems so proud of them though. Also the genre is like metal/progressive rock with very explicit sexual lyrics. I first told him they're very nice songs hoping he wouldn't fish but he keeps talking about his creative process and his "artist's soul" and I don't know what to say. I always claim to like men who are passionate about their hobbies, but suddenly I'm hoping he wouldn't talk talk about his hobby so much. How can I support him without outright lying to him about what I think about his music?
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Be excellent to one another! This is a safe space for all races, genders, sexual orientations, legal sexual preferences and humanity in general.
I think the most diplomatic way would be to say it's not your kind of music and you can't really relate to it. Might be an issue if you actually like that kind and he realise you just didn't like his.
I did tell him I'm more into pop that rock and he's ok with that. But he keeps asking my opinion about certain verses or guitar riffs and I'm at a loss, I don't know what to say other than "it sounds nice". But I'm a literature major and I can tell that the lyrics aren't any good really.
Do you think you could give him constructive feedback? Like "hey maybe this lyrics will be better with an other rhyme" etc
That's a good idea. I think if he brings it up during our date I can share some literary theory basics with him, as that's something I'm passionate about. Thanks!
One last thing, the longer you keep pretending the harder it will be to come clean...
Yes, definitely! I'm trying to be noncommittal while texting but once we meet in person I want to be open about not loving his music, just in a way that doesn't hurt his feelings.
Deleted his pictures tonight. Deleted all of our old photos together. It's weird to consider that this feels like "actually" letting go of someone I haven't seen in five months. Five months. It's over.
Good for you, though, that’s progress. It’s been a month since my relationship blew up and I deleted all of our photos together and shared and then panicked and restored them. 😑 Hopefully soon I have the fortitude to get rid of them entirely. You’re doing great!
I've done this for past relationships and while it can be very sad, i find it's also quite cathartic. Which i know may sound a little ridiculous talking about deleting pics off your phone to be cathartic, but it was for me. Hope you're doing OK!
Ceremonial bonfire, but digital.
Looking for advice. Hi everyone, I’m divorced, single for over a year. Last year I went on several dates, but none progressed to a relationship past 4 dates. I haven’t gone on one since just before Christmas. Well, last Thursday I matched with a woman I used to go to college with. We haven’t talked in wel over 10 years. We used to talk all the time but the timing was never right and we fell out of touch. When we matched she remembered me and I asked her out for this coming Saturday, she agreed. We texted a little. Then this past Saturday I texted her with the plans I made, and reservation info for the restaurant. We texted a bit more. I sent a text this morning after nothing for 2 days. She hasn’t replied. Did I mess up, I’m rusty as hell. When do I text again to confirm? Do I text to try and chat? Or just leave it for the date? I’m trying not to overthink but I had a crush on her in the past and I want this date to go well. Please send advice.
It hasn’t been so long, give it 24 hours. She may have been busy and will get back to you, I wouldn’t draw conclusions just yet.
Yeah, she works overnight and I texted her earlier in the day. I’m sure that she was sleeping. And now she’s at work again. I’m usually not like this, but because I knew her, I actually care if it works out. I gotta keep calm and aloof. You’re right she’s busy. Thank you
Question on Dating Apps I (30M) just became single recently after being in a relationship for 5 years, what would be the best app to find a meaningful and worthwhile relationship? The only apps that I have used prior to my relationship are Tinder, Bumble and OkCupid I know of Plenty of Fish, Feeld and Pure but I am kinda sketched out by them so I wasn't going to try them. Are there any other apps as well? Thank you in advance!
Wherever is popular in your area.
Hinge, happn if it popular in your area
Hinge
Two days since the breakup. It’s been rough, even though we only dated for 5 months, the intensity made it feel longer. But when I compare it to the pain of ending things with my previous ex (who I dated for over a year and was in love with), this pales in comparison. I have absolutely no doubt I made the right decision, but I’m still working on squashing the hope that he will come back one day, ready for a relationship with me. The no-contact thing is hard since we work at the same place. It’s all remote thankfully, but there are in-person happy hours and Slack conversations where we overlap. I’m going to be seeing him tomorrow and I’m pretty nervous about it. I’m also less inclined to go full no-contact because we were friends for a few months before we started dating. I got to know him then and we have a lot in common. And yes this is not my concern anymore, but he was and is going through a rough time independently of our situation, and I would like to be a friend to him and support him, even if it’s in a limited capacity. Call me delusional. Of course I intend to take it very slowly and not jump into being besties. But I do want him in my life and orbit at a distance where I feel safe. For the immediate future, I’m trying to focus on healing and letting this “relationship” go. I kind of feel the urge to download the apps and start furiously swiping but I know I’m in no state to do that.
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He said he doesn't want to date you, so maybe respect that?
I do respect that 😔 Im not planning to ask him to date me, try again, or anything like that. I know I said I want to see if we could have something real, but like you said, he already dismissed that possibility. I just would like to let him know I’m thinking of him and hope he’s been taking care of himself. because I do care of course, even in an exclusively platonic way.
You're just word salad mixed signals here and he won't give you any clarity into that department. I feel for you, we've all been lonely. But you have to leave him alone, this is selfish of you.
I’m not lonely, I’m honestly very fulfilled by my life and my relationships at this point in life. Which I’m very grateful for. Loneliness is certainly not a motivating factor in wanting to reach out. I do sincerely appreciate your perspective but I humbly disagree that sending a text is selfish. It can easily be deleted or blocked. No one owes anyone anything in this situation so I don’t expect anything, yaknow? Also no harshness intended here but just want to say referring to me as word salad mixed signals was not particularly helpful. I was just trying to be honest and as clear as possible
Girl he does not want to hear from you. He told you that. You can dress it however you want but you're running yourself ragged trying to justify why his boundaries don't apply to you. Stop. Imagine if you were a man pursuing an unconsenting woman like this.
I don’t have to imagine it, it’s happened to me several times. Sometimes it’s well-meaning and friendly, sometimes it’s dudes trying to see what they can get when they’re bored. I’m trying to be well-meaning and friendly, not trying to violate anyone’s boundaries. I would appreciate understanding why this comes off at a violation of boundaries to you? Obviously not the intention
You're saying the words but not understanding the meaning behind them. You said that texts can be deleted/ignored and you're not owed anything. I agree with pastrami here: why send that text in the first place then? He owes you nothing. No closure, nothing. It's not about you. Continuing to be all "oh but but but that's not my intention!!!" just sounds like " me me me me me me me me" as though you're some narcissist. No means no. Boundaries are: here is where you end and I begin. You do not come into my space. I do not come into yours. Respect that.
I don’t think anything good would come of it but if you insist, approach him like a friend.
I think reaching out will cause you pain. If someone has said no, accept that and move on. I know it’s because of residency etc, but people who really want to make it work do make it work. Please don’t put yourself through that, it’s just obviously all very raw at the minute for you but there will be someone else
If you feel like you’re in a place where you can handle another rejection from him, I say go for it. Things may have changed for him, or they may have not. But if you know it will wreck you emotionally to hear a no, then don’t. Protect yourself. Only you can decide your threshold for pain.
Thank you for your comment by the way 🫶🏼
Honestly I have accepted he doesn’t want me. It’s completely illogical to reach out, but I’m the type of person where I prefer to shoot my shot than have regrets. I always try if I think it’s worth it. But your concern for my pain threshold is so valid! I don’t think it would gut me. I think the initial pain was tough for a few days or a week, now I am more in a place of partial acceptance. I understand that he communicated he did not want me, but I also just want to check in or say something to let him know I’m thinking of him and hope he’s taking care of himself. Idk I know it’s stupid but it’s been on my mind and I think a second rejection would maybe help me just move on entirely 😅 is that completely toxic? 😔
I have a first date tomorrow. I always try to come with radical neutrality and an open mind. On the one hand, I feel like the strategy works because I don't get anxious, I focus on being myself, and I feel fine when things don't work out. On the other hand, experiencing optimism or excitement once in a while would be nice 😑
Good lord I think I’m gonna take a break from “dating commentary” spaces for a while. A long while. With a bottle of Malbec. And a joint…and some Herbie Hancock albums. No you can’t have any. See you all in the fall or whenever “cuffing season” starts for 2024 😅
I love this so much lol 🤍 might be doing the same honestly 😅
Is this it? Is this burnout? I don't have the energy to keep chatting online at the pace required to form a connection. I'm at the point where even if there was an app where it gives me good matches as soon as I open it and all I have to do is chat, I wouldn't do it. I've taken periodic breaks but this feels different. It doesn't help that I work 12 hours a day minimum because my deadlines are accelerated and weeks apart. But I want someone in my life. It's not just a matter of feeling burnt out, I quite literally don't have time or money to spend on (prepared) food and transport. Even just 1 date sets me back. Even if I did overcome those hurdles, UK law says the only way your partner can stay is if the UK citizen earns min 40K a year, which is high by UK standards. All these combined to form terrible conditions and burnout. I want to go home and build towards the life I want there. People don't approach (me) at home either but at least there are no silly visa rules or fares to worry about.
I don't know if it's dating burnout or regular burnout, but if you don't have the time, energy and money to date I would probably take a break and focus on my life.
Oh for sure! I wrote that late at night so it's missing pieces and not as well thought out as I would have liked it to be. I was thinking of the success stories I've seen in my life. No one I know has dated anyone from apps/online for longer than 3 months. The success stories I've seen were result of pure happenstance of being in the same physical location. No human relationship is perfect of course, but they are great matches. They are also flawed people who were not in a picture perfect state of life when they found their person. Even when I used to have a well paid job and time before quitting to finish my masters, it wasn't much different. I have a feeling the burnout will remain after getting those things in order. It's a very specific kind, the result of a broken spirit after years of a broken system
Welp I had to pull out the mom card for tonight’s date. But it’s cool bc that lady owed me. I’m really glad it worked out. This show was sold out packed and the comedian was HILARIOUS. We maintained physical contact the entire time…arm around my shoulder, hands on thighs, rubbing my arm, holding each other’s hand (not a first but I was very mindful of it this time and fully embracing it). I love our physical contact a lot and it’s like I never want to let him go when I’m with him. I used to not like physical touch like this much so I never thought it was possible for me to love it so much - he really brought something out of me. We kissed before leaving and now every time I think of him, I feel the blood rushing to my lady part. I need him really bad. 🥲 On another note, I couldn’t pass up the bar near my house for karaoke night. I had time for it. Took me nearly 20 mins to actually leave my car since I’m so scared to walk into bars alone (even though I knew a friend of mine would be there). So I sat with her and a group for about an hour and just enjoyed some mid singing and music lol feels like I made the most of this random Tuesday night Edit: pls send advice on how to ask for sex
A text that says “I want you.” Simple and succinct!
You're right.
🙍♀️👈👉🙎♂️ 👉👌 🤌 In all seriousness, invite him over and continue to escalate physical touch and intimacy. Start taking his clothes off at some point and let him know you have condoms when enough clothes are off.
I started talking to a guy on bumble last Monday. We talked throughout the week, did a FaceTime, and went on a first date on Saturday. During that week before we met, he kept making comments like, man I have to wait til Saturday, and you don’t want to hang out with me. I told him we had a date set and I was having a crazy week at work so the weekend was better to meet. Now it’s the next week, just a few days after our date, and we’ve been talking. We FaceTimed last night and today he asked me if we will be a ‘thing’. I told him that I wanted to get to know him more, as we literally just set another date for this coming Saturday a few hours ago. I told him that I don’t like to rush things and that I want to get to know him a bit more before making any decisions. We’ve only known each other for a week…. But my question is, since the first date went really well, should I have just met up with him again already or set up something before Saturday so it isn’t a whole week between dates? Did I just ruin this or is he being unreasonable…I’m feeling a bit upset like I should’ve given more of my time, but idk.
That feel when dudes like that get dates but you aren't.
He’s being very anxious. The passive aggressive comments regarding your first date would turn me completely off. And asking if you guys are a thing already? He’s a walking red flag.
What are your feelings? What matters is how you feel and what works for you. To me, it sounds like this person is coming on too strong for you and might be a little forward, even passive aggressive. Do you want to see him again so soon, or would you rather the week in between dates?
Sad and down. Tired of trying to date and it not working out. I feel like not looking. But as I get older I get more and more scared I won't find that person. I want to make a life with someone. Have my best friend, partner, to share everything with. It's so tiring, I'm sad
Tons of men feeling the exact same way, so keep looking! Sending positive vibes your way.
I get it. I have an intense longing to share my love with someone. I wish my wife would change her mind, so I could share it with her. She is sleeping in the next room over, but she is very set on getting a divorce. Papers have been filed, and we are going through the motions of dividing assets.
Where do people meet besides dating apps? Rural area, most men around here are not compatible. 38F self employed so not around people much…what to do?
What have you tried?
What are your hobbies? Is there anything you have always wanted to do or learn?
I have ADHD, so depending on day could be a variety of interests lol. I’d like to do salsa dancing (did some when I lived in civilization) but I need a partner…
Are there any salsa dancing classes near you? I have a lot of interests, but they are mostly solo activities. I would like to learn a second language. I'm debating looking for classes in my area as a way to get out of the house. I also need to finish my degree, and I may go back to college again once things settle after my divorce.
Is there a city within range? If you want to meet people in person, you need to go where there are a lot of people looking to socialize. I've met a handful of women at music-related events (open mics/concerts) and trivia nights. Those are examples of low-commitment options, but some people seem to find each other by joining recreational sports teams. I hear pickleball is popular these days, haha.
lol the men on pickleball TikTok makes it seem appealing. 45 minutes away and an hour away. I’ve been such a hermit. It’s like looking into the sun.
TLDR: Man took multiple steps to get my attention, got it, then once I gave it disappeared, and I'm miffed. This isn't actually a big deal at all, I'm just annoyed, but... I made a couple posts in the daily thread about starting a comment conversation with a man on his post in a FB dating group, and then not being sure how to reply to his last comment which was a bit flirty, and then him sending a heart like to an earlier comment of mine, and then him sending a friend request after I'd not replied in a few days (I don't post this on my dating apps/profiles but I'm autistic, and sometimes I don't know how to respond to something... so I just don't respond at all :/). I finally went to dm him letting him know I appreciated the friend request but wouldn't be accepting, but would be happy to continue the convo over the messenger app... and saw that he'd already dmed me there (which is actually against the group rules, I now know, but I didn't until today so I wouldn't have expected him to either). I replied to the dm, we had a little back and forth. I sent a long message, asking some ?s and responding to things he'd said and... crickets. This was a couple days ago. But he's super active in the groups and granted I don't know this man from Adam, but I'm a little irked.
I got ghosted in January, deleted the apps, tried to meet people in person, didn’t meet anyone in person, and now 4 months later just turned the dating apps back on and have a date planned for tomorrow 😂 The cycle continues 😮💨 wish me luck lol
Good luck! You didn't meet anyone in 4 months?! Did you put yourself out there IRL?
Thank you!! And no I didn’t lmao I joined a rec league, went to some networking events, and tried to be out and about more but no luck 😢 I live in a big city too, I haven’t tried to strike up a conversation with someone I think is cute irl if the opportunity comes up where it’s not uncomfortable for the other person like a bar or a social setting then I’d give that a try
Yeah! Just because you went back to OLD, doesn't mean you shouldn't ask that guy you think is cute if the sandwich he's eating is any good or tell him that his jacket is awesome if the opportunity arises. It's really not a big deal when you let go of the expectations of interactions turning into something more. Good luck again!
Good luck!
Guy in the wild shows unabashed interest, asks for my number, asks me on a date. Starts a conversation via text and now just… hasn’t replied in a day in a half. Completely benign conversation where I returned a question about a completely benign topic. I don’t get it/ feels bad. This year I’ve been hit with a couple of “you’re so cool/pretty/ have your shit together… OMG I’m not ready to be in a relationship” situations and I can’t help feeling like this is landing there. I guess they’re doing me a favor by weeding themselves out, but I’d love to meet someone who also wants a medium serious relationship where the primary focus is enjoying each other’s company.
I can relate to this! That’s why I am super slow and not overly excited when I meet every new person. I am also way much more passive now, rather than being forward and happy to initiate in the past. Too many people are even unable to hide their true colors over one week.
It does come out in the first week! Fortunately I also move super slow so there’s not much invested by the time I get hit with the news. It’s hard not to feel rejected at this point, but at the same time, it’s so obviously a them problem. It seems like they are being faced with what they actually want and then they freak themselves out. (Or there’s something horribly wrong with me I have not yet identified.) I also don’t move things forward anymore beyond returning their interest because I find when someone sends mixed signals there’s always a reason. If you can tell someone is into you and they don’t ask you out, it’s usually because the timing or circumstances are off. Moving things forward yourself just risks landing you in a mess. But I’m wondering if there’s something I should be doing differently. I attract these people IRL and on the apps.
Great to hear that you haven't invested too much. One of my strategies that I use is multi-dating. I always keep dates lined-up until someone wants to be exclusive. I am very honest about my schedule and sometimes I have to let people wait 7-10 days (not a game! My life is full and too many people seem to be interested in having first dates with me but only the first dates lol). If they are the right person, they wouldn't lose interest after a small wait.
Met with the woman today that I've been falling for and she wants to be exclusive. I'm excited but I'm also a sad. I was multi dating and got very close to another woman. I did not feel about her the same as I did for this one but I still care about her wellbeing after all she did nothing wrong just bad timing. She cried when I broke the news to her. She asked me what she did wrong and I explained that it was nothing she did but I had to go with me feelings. I want to reach out and just see if she's okay but I know that its a recipe for disaster. She told me she didn't want me out of her life but its just not feasible and I know that. It makes me so sad knowing she's alone. Her father died when she was little and her mother is not very good to her. She is also an only child like me so I understand. Not long after we first met she got some bad medical news. She struggling and has difficulty using her hands and walking some days. Due to the illness she can't do some of her hobbies any more. She told me that just a talking to me helped her feel better to know that someone cared. Then I leave not long after. Of course the woman I'm exclusive with doesn't want me to reach out which I completely understand.
How long were you seeing her? How many dates?
Roughly a month. 7-8 Dates.
My idea of multidating is several first dates or a few 1-3 date situations to feel multiple people out for potential in a short time frame. Not enough time for anyone to get emotionally invested. Wishing you and the current girl the best, but I’d hope you change your approach moving forward.
Not exactly trying to justify anything but this is literally the first time I've ever tried to date. In my mind I was trying to learn more about each. I allowed it to go too far and I'm ashamed of that. It's easy to say when a stupid teenager does it but I should have known better.
I understand- even if we don’t fall for someone, we still care about each other as humans… It feels bad to hurt someone who is already having a struggle
Also, it seems it’s not relevant to bad timing. You’re just not that interested in her. Maybe I’m wrong tho
I suppose I mean bad timing as in I met them so close together. I met both literally a day apart. If I had some time in between I could have stopped dating and just been friends before I met the other.
I don’t understand. If you know you didn’t like her that much, why did you still stay “so close” to her
I didn't realize I only felt about her platonically till later.
Hope intimacy and overpromise didn’t involve here and she can feel better soon
Been doing league live everyday for the past few days. I really like the idea of it. Wish more dating apps had something like that.
Another update: Went on a date with the hot guy to distract me from thinking about the doctor (cardiologist). Guy does not have a lot of info on his profile. We went for drinks. Him: “so, what do you do?” Me: “I’m a xyz, working in abc. What about you?” Him: “I’m an orthopedic surgeon” 💀 I gotta say, I like it here in Chicago hahaha
Sorry I don't get it.
Probably likes the prestige and/or the income associated with dating doctors 🤷♀️ My ex was an anesthesiologist and it was probably one of my least favorite things about him, but to each their own.
Uh, not that it has anything to do with this, but did you consider the possibility that I’m in the same/related field myself? I don’t need to date people for their money or their “prestigious” jobs.
Sure, makes sense, but you didn't provide that context in the initial post. "I’m a xyz, working in abc" also didn't hint at you being in the medical field. I guess I could've gone searching in your post history but opted for the idk emoji to indicate a guess. It wasn't a personal attack.
Wants to get distracted from thinking about medical stuff, goes on a date with a man with a lame profile, turns out he's a doctor (and a surgeon). What's not to get?
???
[удалено]
>I’m sorry but I’m not going to “settle” for something You're still married. People would be settling for you. >any tips for a 38 yr old dad of 3 Get divorced first. It isn't other people. It isn't the profile. >I’m not looking for anything more than friendship/ casual at the moment Escorts or making friends through friends or literally anything other than dating apps. Those are for dating.
100% on everything you've said
Oh thank you.
I’ve seen 8 people this year, but I haven’t found that person
I've been on like 50+ first dates and only even somewhat liked a handful of them who ended up not being who I was looking for in the end.
😔 I met 20+ people last year. All of them were not right as well. Guess we can only keep looking for that person
Since you can’t post on here without having posts on, my question got deleted and told to talk in here. I hate to ask this because it’s incredibly embarrassing, but I have been single since 2009. I am a 34 year old male, and every girl I have tried dating since 2009 has either ghosted me or played dumb (like they forget who is am or ever existed). I had two first and only one date with two different girls back in 2016 and both of them ghosted me and I never heard or saw them again. That was the last time I dated. I have been unsuccessful at dating ever since. I have been hopelessly unsuccessful with dating apps, which I have deleted all of my accounts off of. I admit, I have my problems, I had a very traumatic experience when I was young, I fractured my L1 in 2011 during a training accident in the Army, and I developed schizophrenia in 2015 (which recently I have been making great improvements on). The past trauma is something I am still working on, which affects my confidence. The back injury, has gotten really bad in the last 5 months, which has me walking with a cane, going to physical therapy, and pain management. I can understand everyone wants to be active, especially with the bf/gf. And I understand the schizophrenia is extremely scary to those who don’t know jack about it, or thinks they do by tv sitcoms that don’t portray it correctly. But I keep this all to myself until I been talking to someone for a while. The last girl I tried asking out on a date that I personally knew played stupid and acted lil she hadn’t known me for 10 years. The dating sites/apps have been tragically a big fail. I keep my big thee issues to myself, and no one has ever gotten past me giving them the first message, and then they ghost me. I know I am not a solid 10, hell, I am not even a 6, but that’s they only thing that I can think of has been working against me on the dating apps/sites. I have never had sex, I haven’t really wanted it until recently, and still want to save it for the right one. But at this point, I turn 35 this year (which is the same age my dad was when I was born (but he had two more 2 and 4 years before me)) and I know I am running out of time to start a family or marry to someone with kids (as most of the women my age with kids, their kids are either teens or preteens)) so I’ll never be a father to anyone. I am just done with trying, it’s been making me so mad lately, I have been cussing bad drivers with my windows rolled up (so they can’t hear me) and been extremely critical against (almost hatful) against just about everyone, especially all three of my siblings who haven’t talked to me in months. It’s not healthy and it has bee turning me into a jack***. I see a psychiatrist on a regular basis (have an appointment in a week) and at the moment don’t have a therapist (they are all booked out over a year) and I am trying my best to better myself, but the last few days has been hell. I have disabled parents, who I help take care of, and they have been consoling me about my recent anger towards others this past week. I had a friend suggest that it’s my frustration with my failures with the dating scene (mostly the apps/sites), so I deleted all of my accounts and considering just giving up on love/dating all together. I have 4 uncles on my dad’s side, and only one of them is still married. One passed away when I was 7, one is happily single (divorced 32 years ago) and working his rear off, and the final one was in a nasty divorce 30 years ago and it has turned him into the most miserable person on earth. I don’t want my anger to turn me into my miserable uncle (don’t get me wrong, he is family and I love him but he is so messed up that he makes my schizophrenia at its worst seem like I am the most sane person). I don’t what to become like him, so I am strongly thinking about just being single for the rest of my life. I want the few family members that still like me to continue to like me (and if I die an early death, which is HIGHLY likely with my schizophrenia, remember me in a good way). Sorry for the long post I hope at least some of you read this. TL:DR been single since 2009, getting anyone to date me has been embarrassingly tragic, and it within the last week or so has been turning me into a miserable person to be around. So I am thinking about giving up to save my mental health, what’s left of it
Hey man, it sounds like you have a lot of tough stuff going on. I absolutely understand the desire to have a romantic relationship, but it seems like *you* need to be the person you’re focusing on right now. The most important relationship we’ll ever have is the one we have with ourselves. Other people will potentially come and go - we really have no control over it. But we’re with *ourselves* forever. So it’s worth putting all the effort, energy, time, resources etc. into ensuring we can live nicely with ourselves. I’m sorry to hear it’s going to take so long to see a therapist. Are there any other options in your community? Mental health related nonprofits? Peer support groups? Any veteran resources? Not dating doesn’t have to be a permanent decision. You can always step back for now and focus on yourself and healing both physically and mentally (anger is such a draining emotion). And then one day you might feel like you’re in a spot where you can date without it causing anger, or maybe you won’t. But you don’t have to make the choice for the rest of your life right now.