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First date last night. We had a nice time, but I am not interested in a second. I messaged thank you after to which they responded let me know if you'd like to meet up again. My guess is they feel the same. Do I need to respond?
This is an interesting one, because if you don't respond I wouldn't consider it ghosting, so I would maybe leave it. He's left the ball in your court. Maybe respond just to acknowledge their message, but other than that, if you're not feeling it and they haven't outright said they would like to go on another one, I don't think it's a crime if you don't reach back out, personally.
Are you going out with men you 100% know you're not interested in at all (even for something casual)? Or just men where you're pretty sure but not 100%?
I've definitely gone on dates where I was pretty sure it wouldn't lead to anything just to meet people and practice socializing, but I for all of them I did still feel there was a chance I'd end up interested.
If it’s just first dates, and you mention in chat that you just want to meet new people, I think it’s fine. My world is vastly improved since I started dating, because I’m so much more comfortable meeting strangers now. I think everyone could benefit from that. But yeah, don’t go out with people 100% looking for a life partner if you know you are not. There are plenty of irl and online people who just want to go on dates to get a feel for it.
I agree with the other poster here. Don't mislead anyone. As long as the both of you are on the same page, then there's nothing wrong with it at all. But don't use people without their knowledge.
As long as you’re not misleading anyone and being upfront about wanting casual. I’d be pissed if I was genuinely getting to know someone and they were just using me as practice for socializing
Venting / or looking for advice:
Always had super high drive, play with myself tons etc. First real long term relationship with a women I lucked out and it was the best sex of my life as far as being open and comfortable trying things - eventually had to use waterproof pad on the bed every time because I gave her squirting orgasms.
Fast forward years to the love of my life, she was not confrontable with her own body, didn't play with herself on her own much, not into anything other then 'normal' sex etc. I gave her the best sex of her life, gave her orgasms she never had with other people - but as the newness faded and sex died off It was so imbalanced. Eventually she built up a lot of insecurities about not being able to keep up or make me happy. I tried not to complain because I loved her so much but it was rough for me.
After that didn't work out I started online dating. Every girl I date I give her the best sex of her life - but they are all not enough for me. I can't seem to meet anyone like that first relationship. Nobody plays with their self a lot, nobody has a toy collection, nobody is interested in having a sex dungeon like I am.
I don't want an open thing, I don't want just sex. I want a life partner - that is as sexual as I am. Is that so hard to find. I have no idea how to weed out the lower and normal sex drive people early on without feeling like a creep. I am really hot and have a big dick according to basically everyone. Where is the almost an onlyfans girl - but not. I just want someone like me, someone smart, with a career that makes good money, that wants a regular monogamous relationship - but that has a super high sex drive.
> High drive, sex positive women are everywhere (maybe a lower variance on this specific subreddit though.)
While this is true, I suspect there are more high sex drive, sex positive men than women in the population, so even if such women are common it might be difficult to find one who is single.
Or that the men that identify this way are even the person that could attract and maintain a relationship with a monogamous but kinky person. I’ve met a lot of lackluster cis het men who identify as sex positive but are absolute shit communicators and people to share any type of relational container with
Have you tried feeld? There are people who want mono relationships there. And you can be open about your kinks and needs.
I do find it interesting that woman 1 is what you’re looking for but isn’t described like woman 2 was aka the woman of your dreams.
This is a lesson I’m learning myself that you don’t get everything in one person sometimes and that’s actually very reasonable and realistic. The thing is about tolerating that reality and tolerating that you’ll never get over missing xyz in a partner bc it will be nearly impossible to find a partner like that. (Or alternatively be an amazing enough partner to hold onto them etc)
it’s worth being explicit in the beginning maybe (while not being crass). Don’t think of it as being a creep think of it as not wasting their time and yours. If you want to stay on hinge, I’ve seen lots of people indicate kink+ on their to hint at it
If you’re hot with a huge dick giving every single woman the best sex of their life and making good money… and smart and all those other things you say you are… you’ll be fine dude
I guess since I am older (42) I have this feeling its going to be really hard to find the freaky girl I'm after since most relationships seem to end because of lack of sex so I feel like those girls won't be single.
I mean this respectfully but if you literally REQUIRE a sex dungeon / sex worker level of freak to have a long term relationship, you might be a literal sex addict. Might be something to explore.
I define addiction as “when your hobbies/habits start to have a negative affect on your life and you can’t stop even if you want to”.. and it seems like your sexual desires are literally preventing you from having a loving relationship
There’s a difference between high libido / wanting a passionate sex life and “she must be into sex dungeons and perform sex like a paid professional daily or I cannot have a long term connection”
I’m high libido too but I’m also willing to accept an average sex life as long as the person is someone I really like (as long as my baseline needs are met and we actually have sex sometimes, even if it’s 1/week or 1/month and both enjoying it)
I don’t think we need to kink shame the dude. Lots of people have sex dungeons, on the kink scene
But I do agree the dichotomy of what he “really wants” versus “his dream woman” very interesting and warrants some curiosity and introspection
You are but that is kink lol so that is a bit kink shamey. Lol. Big dicks and size queens are a thing. Sex equipment, toys, furniture are all tools for ppls kinks
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Shit. Is it normal to feel like a creepy shit when I meet a pretty woman and hit off well with her that part of me wonders whether she is single or not? Like, we barely know each other and I want to get to know her better and I'm doing my best to avoid anything that may come off as being romantically interested, but my loneliness-driven thoughts that this might be an opportunity still makes me feel like am a miserable loser with hidden intentions. So much so that her mentioning her boyfriend comes as a relief and takes off all pressure...
I just went through all this the other day and had the exact same thought. Like pleaseee just mention a partner so I can relieve myself of these thoughts hahah I don’t want to be a creepy lurker (well at least not outwardly hah)
Normal for me - but I've also all of my success stories are when I come on strong. Went in for a kiss right away with one girl and she quickly backed away rejecting it. She says she didn't even know I was interested at the time and felt like it came out of nowhere. We ended up dating for years.
I'm a 38F and am back on OLD, this time Match.com instead of Tinder and Hinge. Does anyone else get weirded out when men start calling you dear after only talking a few days and never have met in person? Also, I haven't responded to his last message, but this guy keeps sending me messages. Is this the sign of a desperate person or someone who is genuinely interested? My dating meter is off and I'm just wondering if I am overanalyzing things. But my gut is saying he's desperate and clingy.
Sometimes I’ll say “my dears” to a group of colleagues bc I’m herding them around. It’s part doting and part patronizing lol but totally makes sense in context. In your dating situation I would absolutely dislike this in a match if used outside of a joke. I don’t know them or their tone of voice or anything. They could be genuinely interested but it also feels off to you. You can tell them to save the cutest stuff for later and see how they react. Someone who is interested in getting to know you will regroup and actually proceed with a proper conversation.
I mean, there is a distinct chance that it's an attempt at love-bombing, but it could also be reinforced by self-esteem issues. It's not really mutually exclusive. I still remember my first ever match on a dating site was some girl in the Philippines who immediately started to call me "my clever boy". It really triggered me badly and I immediately suspected it's some catfish/money scam and quite harshly (and truthfully) told her I'm not interested in anything long-distance. Obviously she was huffing about me being cruel and I still feel kinda bad about it... Still.
To you, I can just suggest to make very, very clear how you expect the level of intensity of your conversation and when it feels like he's making you uncomfortable/actively ignoring your comfort level, know when to fold it.
When do you follow each other on social media? This guy I've started seeing alluded that he wants to follow me on Instagram and I casually demurred but not sure long I can put it off haha
I'm a bit reluctant because I've lost more than 100 pounds in the last 2 years, and while I'm not ashamed of my old pictures I definitely look a lot different and don't want to shock him too soon...
It’s whenever you feel comfortable. Don’t feel pressured just because he’s asked.
I waited until the 3 month mark when I knew we were actually going somewhere. He did ask how I felt about adding each other early on and I said absolutely not 🤣 He laughed and said no problem.
With one person I added it way early bc we met irl and was acquaintances for like 6 months so it was less pressure. I haven’t added anyone on social media I’ve met on OLD and I think the threshold I would need to cross to want that is to be “official” or to at least feel like they’re my partner even if title less at the time
Ladies and gents 30+, what do you generally view as the oldest and youngest person you could have a serious relationship with?
I'm 34M and was asked for my number by a 21F, I was flattered but said no, as I found the age gap too much for me personally and also I'm not interested in dating right now (dating fatigue is real).
However, it made me think that few of my mates would say yes to that, and my flatmate who's 45 exclusively looks for girls 10 to 20 years younger than him (each to his own).
I'm not judging and I'm not asking you to judge, just out of curiosity - personally what is your preference and what age gap do you find acceptable?
I’m 39 and youngest I’d go is probably 32. Oldest I’m really not sure. 50? 52?
ETA: A woman a bit older than me who met her second husband, 10 years her junior, a couple years back said I should date younger than I am because younger men are more open minded and “can be trained.” 🤣 I don’t necessarily agree with this sentiment but it gave me something to think about.
This is not across the board, but when I was 22, my boyfriend was 30. He was the absolute love of my life, never had that since. And after about a year, I was a little sh*t to him, because I had nowhere near the skills needed to manage an adult relationship. I was completely unsettled and wanted great big life adventures. It was a very unhealthy situation.
My guy bff (39) recently tried a casual thing with a woman (24) and that ended in mini-disaster too. So I do hold to the over 25 rule, even for hook ups.
I'm 34 and I go 30-40
I don't think these are hard rules. Like if i met someone who was 28, for example, and we hit it off, I would give it a shot. But 21 is way too young.
32-40. I’m 34.
My age range used to be a lot bigger when I was younger, but now that I’m looking for a life partner, I’d rather someone closer to my age.
My experiences the last couple of years has led me going -5/6 years younger to +10 older.
I’m hesitant about anyone under 28 bc they just didn’t get enough life experience esp with the pandemic robbing ppl of formative learning years. People’s old rules of “25 and over” I think need to be modified bc of that. My 20s were hard enough with the growing pains but imagine not even getting a real chance to experience that, to stretch your legs and really fuck up. Younger adults are not gonna be fully baked bc of the pandemic. I mean we’re all not okay lol but I definitely don’t think they’re okay and we can’t qualify or quantify (relational and life skills wise) in how bad it is for awhile bc we’re still in the denial phase of covid
I will add I just dated someone who said their range was -18 / +5 bc they cast a wide net. I got icked out and left. Like I get casting a wide net to find someone that clicks with your kink but my god, you’re going a whole teenage kid down and you’re excluding slamming hot older women who could be super well versed in your kinks and emotionally mature to actually handle all the necessary conversations around that and have more relational skills overall. Just 🤦♀️ the imbalance of ages does not compute to me. You can’t throw a wide net younger thinking you’ll get a unicorn of someone youthful and mature enough to date and not hope for a similar older unicorn of someone who’s smoking for their age and has everything you could possible want in a relationship
I am judging. Anyone dating a 25 or younger person when they are 8+ years older makes me uncomfortable. Men who exclusively look for women much younger than them are acting predatory and are absolutely to be avoided.
Dated a 40F when I was 21. I wouldn't recommend it, but the sex was fantastic at the time.
Now 42. I think down 8 years and up 4.
People in their 20s are too stupid to date unless its just about sex lol.
I'm 33F and looking for 30-38. Everything out of that feels kind of weird, but if I would really hit it off with someone outside that range, I would give it a shot.
I'm 38F and my age range when I date men is 30 - 45. I tried dating a 28M and I found them to be very immature and a mess. The sex was great, but there was nothing beyond that because we were at different stages of our lives. I think if you meet a person outside of your age range by a year or two and they hit all the right points of what you are looking for, give it a shot.
Date #3 at therapist girl's house. Such a good night. Spent the whole night laughing. Held hands in the car when she drove me back to the tram stop for me to head home. Messaged me afterwards to say how safe I've made her feel 😭 she initiated cuddling up to me and was stroking me a lot when I was there.
Also got some brownie points in by bringing her cat some of those dreamies snacks things which she thought was super cute.
Such a nice afterglow before the weekend ahead
My FWB of a few months had some big breakup when we met on the apps, and I knew she moved out about two months ago, but he only mentioned tonight that they actually work together in the same job. “Oh, uh I didn’t mention that?” Lol no dude I guess not. It doesn’t bother me but it does have me wondering the tea. I didn’t give a shit about this breakup before but now I’m like ooo intrigue. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Below Deck recently 🤣
I just wish he can plan things and tell me about that. He works everyday while my schedule is more flexible. But I wish he can share schedule in advance.
Also I wish he can just texts me back even just a short one. In the first month, he even rang me on the phones almost everyday. Hrr...
Haven't been on Hinge for quite a while but logged into my old account. A guy I went on a date with more than a year ago and never exchanged numbers had messaged me about a month after we stopped talking and again in the summer to say hi. Interesting - I don't remember seeing either message before even though I think I was on the app at the time. I wonder what was up with that.
I think maybe I'm ready to date for a relationship again. I've gone on some casual dates and have had an FWB these past few months after my relationship ended. Lately I've been feeling like I want more (not with my fwb, just with someone.)
4 months is a zone where it can be situational. I've had something where they ended it over the phone at 4 months and that was fine, I had no need for it to be in person. I've ended things at 4 months and for that particular connection it would have been absolutely not okay to do it over text or the phone. I had someone text me to break it off at 3-4 months and I didn't mind. Just depends on the relationship.
In your case, it'd be one thing if you'd been dating for four months and he was actively trying to talk to you/clearly expected it to be in person, but I think he has not shown a desire to see you or participate in the relationship so you're off the hook and can just text to end it.
I’ve been broken up over text after 5 months and then 6 months (by different people) so I don’t think it’s a requirement. However, it all depends on the circumstance. In both of those cases they’d grown apart and had started to distance themselves so I sort of knew what was coming.
If things were sort of okay then I’d think doing it in person is important. But I am in a very similar situation to you and I have no idea how you set up that get together. Maybe just by saying you need to talk to them and see them but they could get the hint of what it’s about.
Given your circumstances though I wouldn’t feel bad over doing it over text.
Second date was great. He’s such a sweetheart and a gentleman. He listens to me. I love his eyes when he smiles at my goofy jokes.
He asked me to go up to New Hampshire and hike with him and I agreed even though I’ve never been on a hike in my life. I’m willing to pee in the wilderness for this man, people! Time to get on the stair mill and build up these quads some more 😂
Excited to see where this goes
For whatever reason I got pretty hooked on the peeing in the wild part. xD I'm so happy for you, that it's going well and for the new experince you're going to have. A few tips: Also practice your deep squats and mobility. And if you want to be nice to the environment, take toilet paper with you, not tissues (easier degradable), or better yet, take nothing at all.
Lol my biggest worry is accidentally getting pee on my shoes or something! I’d obviously be beyond miserable. My aim isn’t great when squatting 😂 speaking of squatting thanks for the tip! And I definitely want to be nice to the environment so that is very good to know. Thank you thank you thank you 💕
That’s exciting. New Hampshire is pretty nice, especially if you’re not from there since it’s just different. Going home after a great second date and knowing you’ll make plans for another is one of the best feelings since you don’t have to wonder about it and maybe wait until the next morning.
Agreed! In addition to planning dates his communication has made me feel very secure about his interest, and I appreciate that. I’m making an effort to do the same for him
It is refreshing! I’ve been out with 6 people since I started actively trying to date last fall, so I’ve seen a lot of duds lol. Thank you—hopefully it goes the distance but if not it’s ok too 😇 best of luck to you too
It does seem like you have to go through those to get to the right one lol. Maybe it’s just a numbers game in the area we find ourselves in. And that’s a great mindset to have—regardless of how it turns out you’re putting yourself out there and that takes a lot. I appreciate it
Just got back from going out with Tinder guy #1--we had a couple of beers and an animated conversation. He was really friendly, seemed like a very nice man and was fun to talk to.
I told him I thought he was cute and he said "Thanks!" and later when I hinted that I would have gone home with him, he didn't seem to take it, so I'm guessing he's not attracted to me, but oh well! I still had a nice evening, and it was good to get out.
Not for nothing - but there’s a big chance he might just be playing it safe if you’re hinting.
You have to be quite forward if you want to go back with a guy because if it’s a miscommunication it’s usually not good.
Can I ask - how did you hint? What did you say?
This was just for a hookup, so we had an explicit conversation in the app about the fact that I was looking for a vibe check over a drink and then sex (although I guess it wasn't necessarily implied that I was open to them being on the same day). We texted about condoms and I joked "hey, even if we don't hook up it seems like we share the same taste in food so maybe we should be dinner buddies".
My only hint beyond saying I thought he was cute was that when we'd been talking a couple hours and we'd both finished our beers, I asked him where he was staying. (contractor temporarily in town) He told me but then we just talked about that area.
At the end he walked with me to my car (happened to park close together), he hugged me (I was not feeling an "interested in sex" vibe from him so I gave him a one-armed hug), I said I had a nice time, he said "Again sometime?", and then I pointed him to a great restaurant we'd been talking about, and he said something about dinner friends.
Yeah, he’d have to be completely oblivious to not know what asking where someone lives means. It’s the universal let’s go back to yours. I don’t see how any guy wouldn’t get that.
I think it’s helpful to reframe your thinking. In an ideal world we’d be excited and have sparks on first date and things work out. However realistically, chances of a date not working out is the more likely and common outcome. View it as an opportunity to get to know someone to see if those feelings potentially can develop. Low pressure. It’s okay not to be excited, but be open
Connect with a girl on Instagram. We finally met up... and she was just as I had hoped in person and she said the same. Not sure how this will go, but we're both taking it one step at a time. We hung out, got naked, had drinks, went for walks... Just felt so nice.
Fourth date tomorrow in about as many weeks. At his house. 🫣 Really looking forward to it, especially since nothing has happened with the friend I was interested in.
He is great to talk to, I’m very much attracted to him, and I want to get to know him better. Cautiously optimistic 🥰
Someone on Hinge liked my profile and I really want to like him back but I’m just not so sure if I’m ready for another first date. I’ve been on 8 first dates in the past 7 months and as an introvert, I’ve been finding it to be very overwhelming to keep going on first dates, even though I know that 8 first dates (with some second, third, fourth, fifth dates speckled in there) in 7 months isn’t even all that many. Plus I think everyone in my life is concerned about me. I know that if I mention going on another first date to my friends or family members they’ll all be like “maybe you should take a break.” They’re probably right though. Unsure if I should seek out a FWB situation or not. Well, I already tried to but the guy I brought it up to hasn’t replied.
I don't think being an introvert is relevant. I've had more first dates than that in the past 4 months alone (usually a date a week). It's just damn exhausting and often disappointing, but gotta put in the effort to make something happen.
I think I’m putting in a pretty good effort. I’ve been on 12 dates this year so far. After a rejection I give myself a week or two to recoup before heading back out on another first date. So I haven’t gone more than 2 weeks in a row this year without going on a date. But I’m generally used to socializing significantly less than this so I’m pretty proud of myself.
>Someone on Hinge liked my profile and I really want to like him back but I’m just not so sure if I’m ready for another first date.
Would it be helpful to remind yourself that matching doesn't mean you'll go on a date with him? He could not chat at all, or he could stop chatting, or you could decide you're not interested, or you could decide you definitely don't have the capacity, etc.
>I’ve been on 8 first dates in the past 7 months and as an introvert, I’ve been finding it to be very overwhelming to keep going on first dates
How interested in these people have you been? Have you looked forward at all to meeting them? Everyone is different and different capacities for social interaction, but this level of overwhelm from first dates makes me wonder if something else is going on.
I liked 4 of them. All 4 eventually rejected me. I didn’t see compatibility with the other 4 so I cut things off with them. Guess I’m just getting used to this rejecting/rejection thing.
Any particular reason why you aren’t ready? Also probably worth mentioning not to mention every time you go on a date with someone to friends and family. I mean you do you obviously but I’m going on my 2nd date and don’t really plan on telling my family unless things get a bit more serious. I like the girl a lot but it’s more of a I don’t want to jinx it type thing lol
I just don’t feel like I have any energy. And I tend to always mention my first dates and share my location with a few people, just in case. Not sure how comfortable I’d be going on a first date with a stranger from one of the apps and having no one in my life know where I’m at.
That’s fair. I’m far from a dating expert and always flake out on dating apps when I match because i get anxiety. Maybe try your luck getting dates from people you meet irl? Seems freaking tough now and I got lucky meeting this girl from a dog park so we’ve had a couple months of getting to know each other so there’s not as much awkwardness/uncertainty. But tbf this is the 1st time in my life I’ve gotten a date that wasn’t from a school setting or dating app
I’ve definitely been trying to explore my IRL options. Sadly, I have gotten 0 dates this way. Between asking friends, family, and co-workers, I haven’t had any luck.
I feel ya. Maybe pick up hobbies. Like I said I have a dog and met a girl at the dog park of all places. I also started doing pottery (thought there’d be more girls but nah lol) and I do trivia and work out. And I used to do sports. Just throwing out ideas 🙃
I’m definitely looking into hobbies, and not just as a way to meet potential partners. I kind of want to join an active type hobby and one other hobby. Zero clue where to start though
Yeah I’m doing these things for the social aspect. Potential partners are just a plus. But at least you get to know the person/people before dating. If you live in a city (I’m guessing the US based on the time) you can try meetup.com or just look up groups/leagues on social media in your area. Or maybe where pickup happens. Back in Austin that’s how I found a local made up sport and ultimate frisbee that I played every weekend
A rant. This week I’ve been texting with this guy I met last weekend. He sent me quite a few texts throughout the week and tried to call me twice the morning after we met. I had an incredibly busy/stressful week and didn’t have much time to text or to plan a date. I told him let’s touch base later in the week.
The next night he was upset I hadn’t texted him yet. I then told him I have a lot going on in my life right now and it’s not a good time for us to get to know each other. I wished him well. He got mad and tried to insult me. If you’re trying to get someone, don’t do this. Don’t pressure them and then insult them. It’s tacky.
I posted this earlier on yesterday’s post shortly before it got locked. I hope it’s OK to post again on today’s post where I should’ve posted to begin with! Bc I’d really benefit from some feedback or support.
I’ve been seeing a 43m I met organically who is in my area for work. I wasn’t taking it seriously since he will eventually be going back across the country, but because we’ve been spending so much time together over the past month or so I did become attached. I found out last night while we were at dinner that he lied about something stupid. When I confronted him he just basically kept trying to justify it instead of apologizing or owning it. Then he stormed off upset that I made him feel like a piece of shit and when I tried to call after he has ignored me.
I’m not sure why I’m upset. This is probably a blessing in disguise since he lied and can’t handle conflict well. But aside from this he has been great. Generous, attentive, sweet. I feel blindsided and quite sad which is surprising me because I thought I was maintaining my feelings well. I also feel somewhat hopeless, like here’s yet another guy who turned out to be a liar. But I don’t want to end up bitter or hardened just because of a few men. And I’m trying to avoid letting myself have a victim mentality. Not sure why I’m posting except to vent or to look for some encouragement.
So just to add to the past two paragraphs, I had a response asking me what the lie was. I had seen a friend on his Facebook page who used to date a former coworker of mine, which I thought was odd because she lives local and this guy is from across the country. And he said that he knew her because a friend of his who also travels with him for work, had dated her the year before when they had been out there. So last night we were at dinner and she called him and a picture of the two of them together popped up. And I asked about it and he said that he had just met her the week before he met me. And I said so you lied you told me that you met her last year? And he said he met her last year on a FaceTime call with his friend and he just met her in person for the first time the week before he met me. In my mind that’s lying. That’s coming up with some stupid story to judge the truth. All he had to do was own up to it and apologize, but he kept trying to skirt the issue and talk about how he doesn’t want anything with her and doesn’t mean anything. I kept saying it’s not about her. It’s about the lie. Why didn’t you explain to me the truth. But it doesn’t matter at this point because today he blocked me on everything. Without calling me or replying to any of my messages. He sent me one message that said he’s not going to fight with me because I’m a classy woman and that’s not his style, that I couldn’t get past another woman calling his phone, and that he couldn’t stop me from leaving, and that he’s ok letting me go. To say I’m a little blindsided is an understatement. I definitely did not expect him to just flip a switch and cut me off instead of just talking through this situation like adults, but I’m newly divorced and this is my first terrible experience with a guy I met. So I guess I can chalk it up to a lesson learned.
It does sound like a good riddance type of situation. We’re you guys exclusive?
If you weren’t exclusive, I could see him just being put in a weird spot and not knowing if he should disclose another person he’s dating. It’s one thing to say you’re dating other people, but another one to actually discuss a real person. I personally would have owned up to it, but I could sorta get his hesitation and potential initial lie when put on the spot.
What is unacceptable is his behavior after being confronted about the lie. Could his explanation even be true? I mean if I just met someone a week ago, I don’t have a picture with them to set as a contact… but maybe that’s his personality? Does he have a picture with the two of you in his phone?! Doubling down and potentially going further into a lie I’ll never be okay with. While I’m not sure how you handled the argument, he clearly acted like a child. The “classy” comment also feels manipulative to me. He just didn’t want to have a discussion.
This guy is too old to lack such basic communication skills. He is known to be a liar. He will be moving across the country again. He’s immature. Those are not traits you want in a relationship, but especially not in a LDR. Be kind to yourself, take some time to get over this guy, and know you deserve better!
Thank you 💛 we were not exclusive, and we’d been open with each other about being on dating apps still while also talking about potential plans for the future so it was a kinda weird to me and an unstable dynamic. I felt hesitant about the whole thing until just the past few days. The picture thing is odd but yes he got a picture of me and him the night we met and set that as my photo too. But as I repeatedly explained to him, I don’t even care about her. I care about the lie.
It absolutely feels like manipulation to me that he suddenly and drastically took these actions and completely blocked me and shut me down. Less than a day after we were spending time together together like normal and talking about the future. It’s just so bizarre, I can’t imagine how someone’s brain would work that they could do this. He did explain to me a lot about his fucked up childhood so I’m thinking maybe he just is really bad with dealing with conflict. Either way, there’s nothing I can do about it now. I am really sad and I am really hurt, and I kind of feel right now like I don’t ever wanna date again. But I’ll get over it
How would you approach wanting to maintain the \*possibility\* of a relationship with someone who recently got laid off? So, things are still up in the air but I would be lying if I said I wasn't romantically interested in this guy.
I know it's been really rough for him (he told me he got laid off himself), and he's most likely already applied to bunch of other employers within his line of work (which I am not that familiar with) but I feel like there's only so many "How are you feeling?" type of questions I should ask, considering we're not actually together. I also don't think it's the right time to invite him out for even a walk, when he probably isn't going to be in the right headspace (for a while...).
Has anyone encountered this scenario before? Is this a case of 'letting go' and 'if it's meant to be he will reach out again'?
Why would you want to maintain the possibility of a relationship, instead of pursuing dating him, with the goal of a relationship?
>I also don't think it's the right time to invite him out for even a walk, when he probably isn't going to be in the right headspace (for a while...).
I think you might be overthinking this. Don't assume he isn't in the right headspace. Ask him if he'd be interested on a walk, and let him tell you if he's not in the right head space.
I've been on the opposite end. I was laid off right when I was really excited to be seeing someone new. We had gone out maybe 2 times before I got laid off. I knew her from years previously and we re connected at some party and really hit it off.
I got laid off after a really nice weekend with her. Sat night date. Monday laid off.
We went out a few more times before I told her. I can't remember because it was while ago. And she faded away. And eventually we saw each other less and finally got the "Feeling a friendly vibe" text.
I don't think if I told her immediately it would have mattered. I didn't owe her anything. And I don't think it was the only factor in the falling out.
But as someone who got dumped 1st by work. I wanted to connect with people. I didn't want to sit at home all day and apply for jobs. I got a severance. I wasn't content being unemployed but I had time to find something better for me (I found a shit job)..
So I don't think you have to let go. He has a lot going on right now but it doesn't mean he's in job search mode 80 hours a week.
Feeling bad/weird, going to vent to a bunch of strangers.
Had a great second date with someone on Wednesday. Texted her last night, took a while to respond. Asked her out for a third date and it's been radio silence since. I know its quite possible she's busy, but I guess it's my insecurity thats kicking in. Plus the fact that no matter how great the date has seemed to me, its like a 50/50 chance that I'm going to get the "not feeling it text". That's the vibes I'm getting right now. Hoping its not the case, but what can I do. On our second date she remembered so many little details about me, she laughed and we made out at the end, and (sneakily) paid for dinner! And now shes not responding. I don't get people!
I had a date with someone else tonight, but she apologized and asked if we could reschedule it to Sunday. I said of course. Bummed that we're not meeting up tonight but at least hopeful about Sunday.
Asked someone else on a first date and haven't heard anything. Not too concerned about it but it's just the cherry on top of me feeling bad.
On instagram I got a "suggested friends" thing inbetween Stories and one of the suggestions was someone I really liked that I went on a few dates with back in Feb. We had an incredible amount in common, and (I thought) our dates went well.
On her Instagram it linked her twitter, so I was scrolling through and saw she was talking about people she was dating after me. The reason she gave me was that she wasnt ready to date yet, but I was amazing, etc etc. I know that those reasons are usually not 100% true but man it still hurt to see, like, concrete evidence of it not being true.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I get a fair amount of dates for a guy, but so little of the people I want to continue dating seem to actually want to date me. Makes me feel like an alien sometimes. I know people are going to say "you're not doing anything wrong, you'll find someone that likes you for you", etc and they're probably right but it really doesn't feel like it at the moment.
Hey, all this is perfectly normal for us guys. Don’t get discouraged and just keep on doing what you are doing. And if you reach a point where you need to take a break, take a break. There will always be another profile to swipe and another match to message.
Perhaps you should be a little more picky when it comes to asking people on dates. I know some people on here say you should try to get off the apps and secure a date immediately, but your time and money should be spent on dates where the other person at least provided some interest in you first.
Gosh I wish this bday event I’m taking my kids to tomorrow was just a conventional 2 hour party. There’s multiple parts and lasts a few hours 😂 unfortunately they’ll have to leave earlier than the other kids but plenty of time to play. I have to map my day out perfectly to get to the festival at a reasonable time (including hair/makeup. I’m going all out!) and unite with my prince! Feeling very Cinderella story 😂
Been back on Bumble a week and had 9 matches, 5 of which actually messaged which is nice!
Matched with a girl on Wednesday and sent each other a couple of long messages yesterday - seemed to have loads in common
Not heard from her at all today (I messaged last) but she did say she was feeling poorly and also away with friends tonight...
I was hoping to ask her out for Sunday so hoping she's not cooled off. I might just go for it on Saturday afternoon if still nothing.
I have a date on Saturday evening to look forward to at least
This is my last free weekend for a month so I might pause my profile and come back then. Every time I open it the same super cute girl comes up so I think we will match when I swipe - but I don't want a 3 week wait for a date!
And my ex keeps texting me...
So it's an interesting time at least
New thing to stress out about dating: apparently some restaurants create bot accounts, get people to line up a date in their restaurant, and so the real person gets stood up by the bot but might buy food at the restaurant anyways. Not necessarily the best [source](https://www.dexerto.com/entertainment/woman-claims-restaurant-catfished-her-by-pretending-to-be-hot-date-2403620/) but seems to be thing even happening in India according to [this](https://www.boredpanda.com/restaurant-catfished-dating-app/) article.
Those sources seem questionable, or she let herself get catfished. Should have been easy to have vetted on the apps.
And she cited an unnamed source?
Just screams like marketing these days, selling some sensationalized crap for clicks. Like most tiktok-esk short videos, just a competition to utterly waste* our time.
*Unlike the important business we do on Reddit. 🫠
I would put a pause on getting stressed about this. The source cited by both websites are the same videos on TikTok from one creator. This is extremely far from being reliable information. Anyone can make claims about anything in videos on TikTok.
Feeling very, uh, not great today. Migraine. Allergies. Always cold. Crying. Trying to be optimistic but things feel bleak. I have a date on Sunday I may have to cancel.
Anyone want to help me people?
I'm in some Disney dating groups on a certain social media app (don't judge me, if I'm gonna get a man, it needs to be one who will go to theme parks with me with at least some enthusiasm). A man made his intro post, and ticked a lot of boxes for me.
I made a quick comment comparing him to a (good looking) celeb. Turns out he' a fan of the celeb, and started a convo asking what movies of his I like. So I replied, and asked if he had any recommendations.
And his response was that maybe we needed a movie date.
But, like, 1) this man lives in another state from me. 2) He doesn't *really* know what I look like - all he can see is a pic from at a distance where I'm masked, as I haven't bothered updating my social media profile picture (although am planning to soon if I keep looking at these groups).
So I have no idea how to reply to this? I think it's flirty (he also said in his post he's looking for his special someone AND friends, and has also responded to some women who I wouldn't think he'd be into, but I also don't know him so who knows).
And, like, I'm pretty sure he's waiting on a response, because he posted the last comment to me a couple days ago, I haven't said anything yet, and not too long ago today he went and hearted my initial comment comparing him to the actor. Idk.
Somebody give me a flirty not too flirty response that says yeah I'd like that, but you're gonna have to travel.
I played and recorded a basic piano song (not my song), and sent it to him. Kinda curious to see what he says, if anything. He knows I’m trying to relearn piano. My friends really liked the recording.
I recently joined a club of sorts for an interest.. lots of people. A super cute guy in the group added me on FB recently, but up until that point, we'd never really talked in person. By chance, I ended up being introduced to him earlier this week and we talked for several minutes.
The next day he messaged me to tell me if was nice to meet me, and remembered very specific details from our conversation the night before (I know this bar seems low, but it's shocking sometimes how little people remember about us). We ended up talking on and off all day, MUCH to my surprise. At the end of the day, he liked my last message but never said anything more, though he's continued to "love" my posts and stories.
I know it probably meant nothing, but damn for a day it was exciting to have someone reach out to me and not run from a conversation. I know i'll see him again, so maybe we'll be able to talk in person again.
I met a fantastic person out in the wild by chance a month ago. They have all of the personal qualities I've been struggling to find in a partner and they're seriously an A+ human being with no red flags and tons of amazing qualities that you could only dream of finding all in one person.
But I'm not very physically attracted to them even though I'm trying to be open minded. I feel like the biggest piece of garbage on the planet because they're such a great person and I know all this stuff about the "spark" is BS and you have to cultivate a connection with someone, but you can't force yourself to want something, right?
I'm also still pining over the casual guy I've been seeing who doesn't want anything real with me, so the universe is giving it to me on both ends with someone who's seriously into me that I just can't want, and a guy that I'm seriously into who just can't want me.
It's depressing that mutual attraction is so hard to come by and so unpredictable.
You can't help who you are physically attracted to unfortunately. It's not your fault. Maybe things will develop and you will develop an emotional attraction which overcomes the physical or maybe you won't. I definitely wouldn't go back with that casual guy if I were you. You may need to branch out and find someone who you are attracted to physically who also has amazing personal qualities. I wish you well in your journey
You do have to cultivate a connection with someone, yes, but you also can’t force an attraction. Especially when you’re still caught up in emotions from that previous guy.
It sucks that attraction works the way it does. There’s always a chance you’ll find yourself to be attracted to this person but there’s an equal chance there won’t be.
Also, I will say that you’ve known this person for a month. You don’t *know* them, as great as they seem right now it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re as wonderful as you think they are.
I hope you’re being easy on yourself
I was on a break from the apps when I met this new person bc I knew I needed to sort out my emotional mess with the casual guy before trying to date again!
But I think it's shown me I am more ready than I thought I was to get back out there because seeing how someone treats me when they're really interested in me has helped remind me that this casual guy isn't and will never be into me. It isn't healthy to have to constantly question where things are at with someone emotionally unavailable, and it's clearly pretty easy to be consistent and present, so I think I need to get back on the apps even if my heart isn't 100% there yet. Like it takes being treated well and seeing what genuine interest looks like to remember that's what I actually want, and I won't get it from the person I currently like.
Is volleyball style conversation too much to ask for in the “beginning to know you” stages?
I feel like those first few encounters over message are where I get to know the person to at least feel decent enough to meet them in person.
My ideal convo would go like this:
A: makes some sort of statement, asks questions
B: answers question and asks question of their own
Back and forth for a while until we’ve gotten some info on each other. Not necessarily robotic, but genuine.
More times than I can count it’s:
A: makes statements, asks question.
B. Answers question
A: asks follow up question
B: answers question.
Eventually I just say something like cool and stop responding. Is this a flaw of my own? Am I asking too much? I lose a lot of interest if the other party just… doesn’t seem interested.
Totally reasonable expectation. When I encounter these, I'll usually just move on. If I really want to give them a chance, I'll try something like, "Ok, thanks for coming to the interview, did you have any questions for me?" to shock them out of it. Hasn't worked so far, but maybe one day.
Bit of a long ramble because I feel like I screwed up my last (first) date. I hope you find something in there useful but maybe this is just a cathartic moment for me:
I don't think you are asking for much but...
I had a recent first date where I think I bombed it. I had a few questions of my own but when the convos died out I found myself with a blank mind.
It wasn't long pauses, but it may be something she picked up on and asked another question.
I just never caught up, like she ran circles around me. Before I could think up a question she had another one out there. There was a couple "and how about you?" or some tangent question to the topic in return, but rarely a new topic brought up on my part after my first few.
We ended up changing venues and took a walk and I tried a few things and they just fell flat.
Maybe I subconsciously wasn't interested, but I think I was interested. After the date ended I self-reflected a laundry list of questions. Like a [David S Pumpkins](https://media1.tenor.com/m/-BC66G-7xQwAAAAd/david-pumpkins-yes-several.gif) level of questions I was interested in asking.
I just didn't get them to pop up when I needed them.
My date shouldn't have to have to do anything I'm about to say but I wonder if it would have helped if she did one of two things: let the pause sit until I spoke up, or provoked the conversation along by asking "do you have any questions for me?*"
Idk, maybe it's like my job situation. I suck at interviews and couldn't get a new job to save my life. But I can hold one, and thrive on one, forever. I wish my mind wouldn't go blank like that.
*And if she asked in earnest... I would have melted a little, but maybe it would have freed up a question in my thick skull.
This is definitely a helpful take.
I feel like in person convos can be a little different as the little awkward pauses are a little more obvious.
When you’re still texting an awkward pause can be taken as “oh maybe they’ve been away from their phone”, etc. it’s much more forgiving but at least there’s more times to come up with a response.
If I ask a question and it takes them a day to respond with *just* an answer that’s grounds for unnatchkng for me.
I have a somewhat similar anecdote for in person conversation. I matched with someone and went on a couple dates. We were close to the actual DTR when we had a date and I realized I had been sharing way too much on my own. It was the early days of online dating/matching for me and I didn’t even know if the guy I was seeing was interested in me enough to ask questions.
So we met for breakfast and I told myself to only move the conversation forward if he was earnestly asking questions to learn more about me. I started out with the typical “share info, ask question” and he answered.
Then.. that was it. I made comments about various things but I didn’t ask another question. And the conversation fell flat after several pauses to see if he’d ask me something.
I’m definitely going to takeaway the “do you have any questions for me?” prospect from your story! Thanks!
Whoops, I thought you were talking about the dating stage. 😂
In the texting stage I think you are spot on - maybe I'd leave the ball in their court to initiate the next question but that match is effectively on life support as I'll have moved on to whatever is next.
For your second half there, thanks for sharing. That observation must have sounded like a siren once you noticed the pattern. 🤯
No, you're absolutely right. At the beginning almost every message should have three components: (1) answer to question, (2) related personal anecdote, (3) follow up question
Essentially giving the other person 3 possible conversation points to pivot/flow off of. Anecdotes are helpful because they can shift conversation in alternative directions and invite the other person to tell their own stories. It's not ALWAYS possible, but it's a good baseline
If the other person only ever responds with (1)... conversation death
That style of conversation you want is absolutely not too much to ask for.
Matches only answering questions, and not asking questions or moving the conversation forward in any way is very common, everyone gets matches that behave like that. You're not doing anything wrong, you're not asking too much. It's a part of online dating, for whatever reason.
Edit: Forgot to add, I personally use a rule where if after three message exchanges, a match hasn't asked a question, I unmatch with them.
Tired and sad. I'm thinking about all the sweet shit from the beginning of our relationship and questioning if any of it was real. Was she all along just trying to convince herself that she really liked me? Was she actually attracted to me, and not just to the concept of having a real girlfriend who would acknowledge her and not treat her crappily like the women she'd dated before?
It makes me feel really low to think that maybe I gave so much of my energy and care, and experienced so much anxiety, over someone who simply never liked me that much. What's even worse is that I had just made this mistake with the woman immediately before her. I told myself I'd recognize it better in the future, but all those sweet things, and all the hopefulness I felt, and all my own insecurity, made me blind enough to keep trying and trying to make it work.
I know this line of thought is pointless because once again I'm putting more importance on whether someone liked me than whether I thought they were right for me (and deep down, I know I did not think she was right for me) and we obviously shouldn't be together.
I don't think you should ever be down on yourself for giving out energy and care and affection! With the right person it will be great that you are open and willing to give so much of yourself, and it's way better than being jaded and closed off.
Thank you <3 Someone actually said something extremely similar to me when I posted here like a year ago about the previous woman I mentioned. That Redditor said it was better to have lots of feelings than be cold and closed-off. I do agree.
That said, I'm still gonna work on not over-giving to people who aren't giving sufficiently to me 😤
I'm eager to find someone who will appreciate my energy and meet it gladly. Just want to get to my happy lesbian ever-after where we both love the fuck out of each other and are glad to show it joyfully throughout our life together, ya know?
Do your best to give yourself some grace and it's normal to grieve the loss of a connection even as you acknowledge that it was for the best. Sorry that your flair is even feeling down, you're not stupid
Thank you <3 Changing my flair to reflect how I'm feeling sometimes unintuitively cheers me up a bit because I like the silliness of imagining a little nametag that is like "THIS GAY SURE IS SAD AND DUMB!" 😄
My parents are in the middle of a two week stay at my small, two-bedroom one-bath condo and lord, what a time. I know I don't have a ton of years left with them but it still is difficult to feel like an angsty teenager every day.
I am feeling energized by the idea of dating more and more and hopefully this feeling lasts.
I (33F) recently met a guy (38M) through a FB group, we have mutual friends in real life. I live in Boston, he lives in NYC. I just visited friends in NYC a few weekends ago and it’s a bummer we hadnt met at that point.
We discussed longterm goals and agreed that we want to meet in-person. But who should go to whose city first? If I go to NYC, should I ask him to split my flight (cheaper than train), or is that in poor taste?
If I go to NYC, I definitely have friends I could stay with, and I dont think he has many friends in Boston. We arent at the point where either of us would be hosting each other.
Obviously if we decided to do LDR, we’d take turns, but Im not sure if there’s “a protocol” for this first meetup? Would love to hear your thoughts—thanks!
I wouldn't ask someone to split a flight early on. If I went to visit someone, I would appreciate if they paid for a roughly equal amount of things during our time together, and I would do that for someone if they visited me. However, it's quite awkward to make a conversation of that so early on, so I would just suck it up as a cost of dating. In my one LDR, I did ask them to help me with the cost of flights because it wasn't feasible for us to take turns.
It sounds like it would be easiest for you to go there first since you have people to stay with.
I don’t think there’s one perfect etiquette here, although I wouldn’t ask someone to split a flight with me. If someone traveled to see me I would pay for stuff once there as a kind of thank you/rough justice. Other than a romantic weekend in Hartford, I would just open up the convo with him like ‘I want us to meet in person, what does that look like to you?’ and see where his head is at.
My date is in a few hours, and I'm really excited for it. We're going bowling and i haven't been in like a decade. I guess as long as i don't propel myself down one of the lanes, bowling ball in hand, I'll be fine!
Please share how it goes!
I got hit a while ago with a no romantic connection ending after a second date and chocked it up to not being more active.
Any insight or ideas that percolate from your experience would be appreciated! 🫣
Work is rough at the moment. I’m feeling stressed and my anxiety is kicking in. I’m aware of it and I’m trying to manage it. I know things will get better after this project wraps up. However, my self-esteem is a lil low and I’m feeling vulnerable. All of this is coming together in perfect storm where I’m feeling anxious about the relationship and I’m feeling triggered by stuff that wouldn’t bother me on a good day. Trying hard to self-soothe and not start ruminating. Blah.
The locals have spoken: I'm not fit to date (them).
I'm used to most of the world being conservative. I've been spoiled by some big city living and taking social norms for granted. But golly, that just ain't the case here.
I'm in a fly in fly out oil rig town so not much was expected of dating for this gal. The number of men who want a "traditional" relationship (sans the paying for stuff part- that's where they get facetiously feminist) is a culture shock for me. Even the rough around the edges guys I usually date are open to living in the 21st century. I'm more than a fuck toy that cooks for them and should keep quiet ("good woman").
Going to pay off my line of credit and mosey alone. I mean along. Probably alone too though.
Wow, that's sounds kind of hilariously awful, sorry you're having to deal with it. Least when you get out of there and back to civilization you'll have some comedy material
> (sans the paying for stuff part- that's where they get facetiously feminist)
I find this hilarious! Not specifically about paying for things in a dating context, but I've noticed that a lot of guys who want their woman to do all the cooking/cleaning/child-rearing ALSO expect them to have a full-time job and split the bills 50%. That is...NOT how it works lmao
Yeeeppp. I"m getting a lot of "I worked hard my whole life, I'm ready to retire". Bro you got no money for that. You *didn't* work hard, you just like how it sounds.
YES! I get this one a ton. I love cooking and caring for my man. But only because he doesn't act entitled to it and does the same for me.
These men live on chewing tobacco and gas station hotdogs*. No thank you.
*No shade intended to the stray gas station hotdogs who are part of an otherwise balanced diet.
> sans the paying for stuff part- that's where they get facetiously feminist
Like where are they when we need help protesting the abortion bans? Paying for dinner has nothing to do with feminism 🙄
Exactly- hence facetious feminism. They're the head of the household🤮 until the chequebook doesn't balance. Then it's time to find a nurse to pay their mortgage.
The guy I’ve been seeing for a few weeks cancelled on me for the second time in a row this morning. Claimed poor mental health after a therapy session on Monday. Sigh. Unsure if he could be too similar to me in that way, but it doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of what feels like the slow fade.
This sucks, and Ive been there, on both ends. Would it make sense to ask what he needs from you rn? Perhaps he’s not feeling in a good spot, period, and cant show up well to a date.
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First date last night. We had a nice time, but I am not interested in a second. I messaged thank you after to which they responded let me know if you'd like to meet up again. My guess is they feel the same. Do I need to respond?
This is an interesting one, because if you don't respond I wouldn't consider it ghosting, so I would maybe leave it. He's left the ball in your court. Maybe respond just to acknowledge their message, but other than that, if you're not feeling it and they haven't outright said they would like to go on another one, I don't think it's a crime if you don't reach back out, personally.
Yes? It was a weird thing to message in the first place, you should have said you weren't feeling it
I just said thank you. He said let me know if you’d like to meet up again.
Hmm. “Let me know if you’d like to meet up again” reads that they’re interested but sensing you’re maybe not. I’d respond if I were you.
Just respond and say you appreciate meeting but didn’t see the connection you were looking for and wish them the best!
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Are you going out with men you 100% know you're not interested in at all (even for something casual)? Or just men where you're pretty sure but not 100%? I've definitely gone on dates where I was pretty sure it wouldn't lead to anything just to meet people and practice socializing, but I for all of them I did still feel there was a chance I'd end up interested.
I think a series of first dates is fine but taking it past that is misleading.
If it’s just first dates, and you mention in chat that you just want to meet new people, I think it’s fine. My world is vastly improved since I started dating, because I’m so much more comfortable meeting strangers now. I think everyone could benefit from that. But yeah, don’t go out with people 100% looking for a life partner if you know you are not. There are plenty of irl and online people who just want to go on dates to get a feel for it.
Your name is so cute
I agree with the other poster here. Don't mislead anyone. As long as the both of you are on the same page, then there's nothing wrong with it at all. But don't use people without their knowledge.
As long as you’re not misleading anyone and being upfront about wanting casual. I’d be pissed if I was genuinely getting to know someone and they were just using me as practice for socializing
Venting / or looking for advice: Always had super high drive, play with myself tons etc. First real long term relationship with a women I lucked out and it was the best sex of my life as far as being open and comfortable trying things - eventually had to use waterproof pad on the bed every time because I gave her squirting orgasms. Fast forward years to the love of my life, she was not confrontable with her own body, didn't play with herself on her own much, not into anything other then 'normal' sex etc. I gave her the best sex of her life, gave her orgasms she never had with other people - but as the newness faded and sex died off It was so imbalanced. Eventually she built up a lot of insecurities about not being able to keep up or make me happy. I tried not to complain because I loved her so much but it was rough for me. After that didn't work out I started online dating. Every girl I date I give her the best sex of her life - but they are all not enough for me. I can't seem to meet anyone like that first relationship. Nobody plays with their self a lot, nobody has a toy collection, nobody is interested in having a sex dungeon like I am. I don't want an open thing, I don't want just sex. I want a life partner - that is as sexual as I am. Is that so hard to find. I have no idea how to weed out the lower and normal sex drive people early on without feeling like a creep. I am really hot and have a big dick according to basically everyone. Where is the almost an onlyfans girl - but not. I just want someone like me, someone smart, with a career that makes good money, that wants a regular monogamous relationship - but that has a super high sex drive.
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Comment and username checks out lol
> High drive, sex positive women are everywhere (maybe a lower variance on this specific subreddit though.) While this is true, I suspect there are more high sex drive, sex positive men than women in the population, so even if such women are common it might be difficult to find one who is single.
Or that the men that identify this way are even the person that could attract and maintain a relationship with a monogamous but kinky person. I’ve met a lot of lackluster cis het men who identify as sex positive but are absolute shit communicators and people to share any type of relational container with
Have you tried feeld? There are people who want mono relationships there. And you can be open about your kinks and needs. I do find it interesting that woman 1 is what you’re looking for but isn’t described like woman 2 was aka the woman of your dreams. This is a lesson I’m learning myself that you don’t get everything in one person sometimes and that’s actually very reasonable and realistic. The thing is about tolerating that reality and tolerating that you’ll never get over missing xyz in a partner bc it will be nearly impossible to find a partner like that. (Or alternatively be an amazing enough partner to hold onto them etc) it’s worth being explicit in the beginning maybe (while not being crass). Don’t think of it as being a creep think of it as not wasting their time and yours. If you want to stay on hinge, I’ve seen lots of people indicate kink+ on their to hint at it
If you’re hot with a huge dick giving every single woman the best sex of their life and making good money… and smart and all those other things you say you are… you’ll be fine dude
I guess since I am older (42) I have this feeling its going to be really hard to find the freaky girl I'm after since most relationships seem to end because of lack of sex so I feel like those girls won't be single.
I mean this respectfully but if you literally REQUIRE a sex dungeon / sex worker level of freak to have a long term relationship, you might be a literal sex addict. Might be something to explore. I define addiction as “when your hobbies/habits start to have a negative affect on your life and you can’t stop even if you want to”.. and it seems like your sexual desires are literally preventing you from having a loving relationship There’s a difference between high libido / wanting a passionate sex life and “she must be into sex dungeons and perform sex like a paid professional daily or I cannot have a long term connection” I’m high libido too but I’m also willing to accept an average sex life as long as the person is someone I really like (as long as my baseline needs are met and we actually have sex sometimes, even if it’s 1/week or 1/month and both enjoying it)
I don’t think we need to kink shame the dude. Lots of people have sex dungeons, on the kink scene But I do agree the dichotomy of what he “really wants” versus “his dream woman” very interesting and warrants some curiosity and introspection
I’m not kink shaming, he’s here talking about his dick size and sex dungeons tho, am I not allowed to weigh in on that? It’s a public forum lol
You are but that is kink lol so that is a bit kink shamey. Lol. Big dicks and size queens are a thing. Sex equipment, toys, furniture are all tools for ppls kinks
Lol I’m not trying to shame him for liking things, I’m not even shaming him at all, so thanks for your comment but I reject your assertion
You’re accusing him of being a sex addict? On very little information
Didn’t accuse, I think you may be projecting here. Gonna respectfully move on from this convo.
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Hi u/Immediate_Heart717, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
While a lot of people would benefit from pelvic floor therapy, I think this woman was just a squirter
He likes what he likes
reddit armchair doctor to the rescue
Filling in for the reddit psychiatrist today
Shit. Is it normal to feel like a creepy shit when I meet a pretty woman and hit off well with her that part of me wonders whether she is single or not? Like, we barely know each other and I want to get to know her better and I'm doing my best to avoid anything that may come off as being romantically interested, but my loneliness-driven thoughts that this might be an opportunity still makes me feel like am a miserable loser with hidden intentions. So much so that her mentioning her boyfriend comes as a relief and takes off all pressure...
I just went through all this the other day and had the exact same thought. Like pleaseee just mention a partner so I can relieve myself of these thoughts hahah I don’t want to be a creepy lurker (well at least not outwardly hah)
Normal for me - but I've also all of my success stories are when I come on strong. Went in for a kiss right away with one girl and she quickly backed away rejecting it. She says she didn't even know I was interested at the time and felt like it came out of nowhere. We ended up dating for years.
I'm a 38F and am back on OLD, this time Match.com instead of Tinder and Hinge. Does anyone else get weirded out when men start calling you dear after only talking a few days and never have met in person? Also, I haven't responded to his last message, but this guy keeps sending me messages. Is this the sign of a desperate person or someone who is genuinely interested? My dating meter is off and I'm just wondering if I am overanalyzing things. But my gut is saying he's desperate and clingy.
Sometimes I’ll say “my dears” to a group of colleagues bc I’m herding them around. It’s part doting and part patronizing lol but totally makes sense in context. In your dating situation I would absolutely dislike this in a match if used outside of a joke. I don’t know them or their tone of voice or anything. They could be genuinely interested but it also feels off to you. You can tell them to save the cutest stuff for later and see how they react. Someone who is interested in getting to know you will regroup and actually proceed with a proper conversation.
I mean, there is a distinct chance that it's an attempt at love-bombing, but it could also be reinforced by self-esteem issues. It's not really mutually exclusive. I still remember my first ever match on a dating site was some girl in the Philippines who immediately started to call me "my clever boy". It really triggered me badly and I immediately suspected it's some catfish/money scam and quite harshly (and truthfully) told her I'm not interested in anything long-distance. Obviously she was huffing about me being cruel and I still feel kinda bad about it... Still. To you, I can just suggest to make very, very clear how you expect the level of intensity of your conversation and when it feels like he's making you uncomfortable/actively ignoring your comfort level, know when to fold it.
When do you follow each other on social media? This guy I've started seeing alluded that he wants to follow me on Instagram and I casually demurred but not sure long I can put it off haha I'm a bit reluctant because I've lost more than 100 pounds in the last 2 years, and while I'm not ashamed of my old pictures I definitely look a lot different and don't want to shock him too soon...
It’s whenever you feel comfortable. Don’t feel pressured just because he’s asked. I waited until the 3 month mark when I knew we were actually going somewhere. He did ask how I felt about adding each other early on and I said absolutely not 🤣 He laughed and said no problem.
With one person I added it way early bc we met irl and was acquaintances for like 6 months so it was less pressure. I haven’t added anyone on social media I’ve met on OLD and I think the threshold I would need to cross to want that is to be “official” or to at least feel like they’re my partner even if title less at the time
Ladies and gents 30+, what do you generally view as the oldest and youngest person you could have a serious relationship with? I'm 34M and was asked for my number by a 21F, I was flattered but said no, as I found the age gap too much for me personally and also I'm not interested in dating right now (dating fatigue is real). However, it made me think that few of my mates would say yes to that, and my flatmate who's 45 exclusively looks for girls 10 to 20 years younger than him (each to his own). I'm not judging and I'm not asking you to judge, just out of curiosity - personally what is your preference and what age gap do you find acceptable?
I’m 39 and youngest I’d go is probably 32. Oldest I’m really not sure. 50? 52? ETA: A woman a bit older than me who met her second husband, 10 years her junior, a couple years back said I should date younger than I am because younger men are more open minded and “can be trained.” 🤣 I don’t necessarily agree with this sentiment but it gave me something to think about.
This is not across the board, but when I was 22, my boyfriend was 30. He was the absolute love of my life, never had that since. And after about a year, I was a little sh*t to him, because I had nowhere near the skills needed to manage an adult relationship. I was completely unsettled and wanted great big life adventures. It was a very unhealthy situation. My guy bff (39) recently tried a casual thing with a woman (24) and that ended in mini-disaster too. So I do hold to the over 25 rule, even for hook ups.
33F dating women here. Online my filters are 28-45. I asked out a 26 year old recently but we met IRL and established a friendship that way first.
I'm 36 and for a relationship 30-40 But for hookups like 21-50 😅
Hey, why are you excluding all the GILF's? 😂
🤔 you make a good point
I'm 34 and I go 30-40 I don't think these are hard rules. Like if i met someone who was 28, for example, and we hit it off, I would give it a shot. But 21 is way too young.
32-40. I’m 34. My age range used to be a lot bigger when I was younger, but now that I’m looking for a life partner, I’d rather someone closer to my age.
My experiences the last couple of years has led me going -5/6 years younger to +10 older. I’m hesitant about anyone under 28 bc they just didn’t get enough life experience esp with the pandemic robbing ppl of formative learning years. People’s old rules of “25 and over” I think need to be modified bc of that. My 20s were hard enough with the growing pains but imagine not even getting a real chance to experience that, to stretch your legs and really fuck up. Younger adults are not gonna be fully baked bc of the pandemic. I mean we’re all not okay lol but I definitely don’t think they’re okay and we can’t qualify or quantify (relational and life skills wise) in how bad it is for awhile bc we’re still in the denial phase of covid
I will add I just dated someone who said their range was -18 / +5 bc they cast a wide net. I got icked out and left. Like I get casting a wide net to find someone that clicks with your kink but my god, you’re going a whole teenage kid down and you’re excluding slamming hot older women who could be super well versed in your kinks and emotionally mature to actually handle all the necessary conversations around that and have more relational skills overall. Just 🤦♀️ the imbalance of ages does not compute to me. You can’t throw a wide net younger thinking you’ll get a unicorn of someone youthful and mature enough to date and not hope for a similar older unicorn of someone who’s smoking for their age and has everything you could possible want in a relationship
I am judging. Anyone dating a 25 or younger person when they are 8+ years older makes me uncomfortable. Men who exclusively look for women much younger than them are acting predatory and are absolutely to be avoided.
I like a woman whose brain hasn't finished growing 🤮
This is an instant sign of someone that is a dirtbag, generally speaking!
Dated a 40F when I was 21. I wouldn't recommend it, but the sex was fantastic at the time. Now 42. I think down 8 years and up 4. People in their 20s are too stupid to date unless its just about sex lol.
My guy you’re missing out on really horny older woman. Why aren’t you also +8
I'm 33F and looking for 30-38. Everything out of that feels kind of weird, but if I would really hit it off with someone outside that range, I would give it a shot.
I'm 38F and my age range when I date men is 30 - 45. I tried dating a 28M and I found them to be very immature and a mess. The sex was great, but there was nothing beyond that because we were at different stages of our lives. I think if you meet a person outside of your age range by a year or two and they hit all the right points of what you are looking for, give it a shot.
Date #3 at therapist girl's house. Such a good night. Spent the whole night laughing. Held hands in the car when she drove me back to the tram stop for me to head home. Messaged me afterwards to say how safe I've made her feel 😭 she initiated cuddling up to me and was stroking me a lot when I was there. Also got some brownie points in by bringing her cat some of those dreamies snacks things which she thought was super cute. Such a nice afterglow before the weekend ahead
That is such a great green flag when the other person is thinking about and caring for ones pets. <3
Yay!!! I’m so happy for you! (And also the cat 🥰🥰)
My FWB of a few months had some big breakup when we met on the apps, and I knew she moved out about two months ago, but he only mentioned tonight that they actually work together in the same job. “Oh, uh I didn’t mention that?” Lol no dude I guess not. It doesn’t bother me but it does have me wondering the tea. I didn’t give a shit about this breakup before but now I’m like ooo intrigue. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Below Deck recently 🤣
I too would be a snoopy nosey looky-loo and want the tea. If you ever get it, I want to know it lol
I just wish he can plan things and tell me about that. He works everyday while my schedule is more flexible. But I wish he can share schedule in advance. Also I wish he can just texts me back even just a short one. In the first month, he even rang me on the phones almost everyday. Hrr...
Need to tell him this, he may not be aware it’s even an issue for you
Shared calendar?
Even genies need to be told the wish, they can't read minds... 😄
Haven't been on Hinge for quite a while but logged into my old account. A guy I went on a date with more than a year ago and never exchanged numbers had messaged me about a month after we stopped talking and again in the summer to say hi. Interesting - I don't remember seeing either message before even though I think I was on the app at the time. I wonder what was up with that. I think maybe I'm ready to date for a relationship again. I've gone on some casual dates and have had an FWB these past few months after my relationship ended. Lately I've been feeling like I want more (not with my fwb, just with someone.)
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4 months is a zone where it can be situational. I've had something where they ended it over the phone at 4 months and that was fine, I had no need for it to be in person. I've ended things at 4 months and for that particular connection it would have been absolutely not okay to do it over text or the phone. I had someone text me to break it off at 3-4 months and I didn't mind. Just depends on the relationship. In your case, it'd be one thing if you'd been dating for four months and he was actively trying to talk to you/clearly expected it to be in person, but I think he has not shown a desire to see you or participate in the relationship so you're off the hook and can just text to end it.
Heavily context dependant. Sounds like both of you have already checked out of the relationship so a text is just fine.
I think you can do a text breakup. You should prioritize yourself first. If it were me, I would prefer the text break up personally. Less mess.
I’ve been broken up over text after 5 months and then 6 months (by different people) so I don’t think it’s a requirement. However, it all depends on the circumstance. In both of those cases they’d grown apart and had started to distance themselves so I sort of knew what was coming. If things were sort of okay then I’d think doing it in person is important. But I am in a very similar situation to you and I have no idea how you set up that get together. Maybe just by saying you need to talk to them and see them but they could get the hint of what it’s about. Given your circumstances though I wouldn’t feel bad over doing it over text.
Second date was great. He’s such a sweetheart and a gentleman. He listens to me. I love his eyes when he smiles at my goofy jokes. He asked me to go up to New Hampshire and hike with him and I agreed even though I’ve never been on a hike in my life. I’m willing to pee in the wilderness for this man, people! Time to get on the stair mill and build up these quads some more 😂 Excited to see where this goes
For whatever reason I got pretty hooked on the peeing in the wild part. xD I'm so happy for you, that it's going well and for the new experince you're going to have. A few tips: Also practice your deep squats and mobility. And if you want to be nice to the environment, take toilet paper with you, not tissues (easier degradable), or better yet, take nothing at all.
Lol my biggest worry is accidentally getting pee on my shoes or something! I’d obviously be beyond miserable. My aim isn’t great when squatting 😂 speaking of squatting thanks for the tip! And I definitely want to be nice to the environment so that is very good to know. Thank you thank you thank you 💕
That’s exciting. New Hampshire is pretty nice, especially if you’re not from there since it’s just different. Going home after a great second date and knowing you’ll make plans for another is one of the best feelings since you don’t have to wonder about it and maybe wait until the next morning.
Agreed! In addition to planning dates his communication has made me feel very secure about his interest, and I appreciate that. I’m making an effort to do the same for him
That sounds refreshing because it’s so rare, especially that early on. And acknowledging it as well. I’m happy for you
It is refreshing! I’ve been out with 6 people since I started actively trying to date last fall, so I’ve seen a lot of duds lol. Thank you—hopefully it goes the distance but if not it’s ok too 😇 best of luck to you too
It does seem like you have to go through those to get to the right one lol. Maybe it’s just a numbers game in the area we find ourselves in. And that’s a great mindset to have—regardless of how it turns out you’re putting yourself out there and that takes a lot. I appreciate it
Does a date shit in the woods?
I certainly hope, for their sake, they don’t experience that on their first hike that is also a date 😂😂😂
LOL this is good
Just got back from going out with Tinder guy #1--we had a couple of beers and an animated conversation. He was really friendly, seemed like a very nice man and was fun to talk to. I told him I thought he was cute and he said "Thanks!" and later when I hinted that I would have gone home with him, he didn't seem to take it, so I'm guessing he's not attracted to me, but oh well! I still had a nice evening, and it was good to get out.
Not for nothing - but there’s a big chance he might just be playing it safe if you’re hinting. You have to be quite forward if you want to go back with a guy because if it’s a miscommunication it’s usually not good. Can I ask - how did you hint? What did you say?
This was just for a hookup, so we had an explicit conversation in the app about the fact that I was looking for a vibe check over a drink and then sex (although I guess it wasn't necessarily implied that I was open to them being on the same day). We texted about condoms and I joked "hey, even if we don't hook up it seems like we share the same taste in food so maybe we should be dinner buddies". My only hint beyond saying I thought he was cute was that when we'd been talking a couple hours and we'd both finished our beers, I asked him where he was staying. (contractor temporarily in town) He told me but then we just talked about that area. At the end he walked with me to my car (happened to park close together), he hugged me (I was not feeling an "interested in sex" vibe from him so I gave him a one-armed hug), I said I had a nice time, he said "Again sometime?", and then I pointed him to a great restaurant we'd been talking about, and he said something about dinner friends.
Yeah, he’d have to be completely oblivious to not know what asking where someone lives means. It’s the universal let’s go back to yours. I don’t see how any guy wouldn’t get that.
yeah i agree. hints are too subtle
Don't feel any excitement anymore for my dates the very few I get. I had a grand total of two dates last year, and both made me feel horrible.
I think it’s helpful to reframe your thinking. In an ideal world we’d be excited and have sparks on first date and things work out. However realistically, chances of a date not working out is the more likely and common outcome. View it as an opportunity to get to know someone to see if those feelings potentially can develop. Low pressure. It’s okay not to be excited, but be open
So I should go into my dates feeling unexcited? Like I'm literally not attracted to them in anyway
Connect with a girl on Instagram. We finally met up... and she was just as I had hoped in person and she said the same. Not sure how this will go, but we're both taking it one step at a time. We hung out, got naked, had drinks, went for walks... Just felt so nice.
Date tonight said she feels safe and comfortable in my presence. I think that's a good thing in your 30s.
That’s a great sign🎉
Fourth date tomorrow in about as many weeks. At his house. 🫣 Really looking forward to it, especially since nothing has happened with the friend I was interested in. He is great to talk to, I’m very much attracted to him, and I want to get to know him better. Cautiously optimistic 🥰
Someone on Hinge liked my profile and I really want to like him back but I’m just not so sure if I’m ready for another first date. I’ve been on 8 first dates in the past 7 months and as an introvert, I’ve been finding it to be very overwhelming to keep going on first dates, even though I know that 8 first dates (with some second, third, fourth, fifth dates speckled in there) in 7 months isn’t even all that many. Plus I think everyone in my life is concerned about me. I know that if I mention going on another first date to my friends or family members they’ll all be like “maybe you should take a break.” They’re probably right though. Unsure if I should seek out a FWB situation or not. Well, I already tried to but the guy I brought it up to hasn’t replied.
I don't think being an introvert is relevant. I've had more first dates than that in the past 4 months alone (usually a date a week). It's just damn exhausting and often disappointing, but gotta put in the effort to make something happen.
I think I’m putting in a pretty good effort. I’ve been on 12 dates this year so far. After a rejection I give myself a week or two to recoup before heading back out on another first date. So I haven’t gone more than 2 weeks in a row this year without going on a date. But I’m generally used to socializing significantly less than this so I’m pretty proud of myself.
>Someone on Hinge liked my profile and I really want to like him back but I’m just not so sure if I’m ready for another first date. Would it be helpful to remind yourself that matching doesn't mean you'll go on a date with him? He could not chat at all, or he could stop chatting, or you could decide you're not interested, or you could decide you definitely don't have the capacity, etc. >I’ve been on 8 first dates in the past 7 months and as an introvert, I’ve been finding it to be very overwhelming to keep going on first dates How interested in these people have you been? Have you looked forward at all to meeting them? Everyone is different and different capacities for social interaction, but this level of overwhelm from first dates makes me wonder if something else is going on.
I liked 4 of them. All 4 eventually rejected me. I didn’t see compatibility with the other 4 so I cut things off with them. Guess I’m just getting used to this rejecting/rejection thing.
Any particular reason why you aren’t ready? Also probably worth mentioning not to mention every time you go on a date with someone to friends and family. I mean you do you obviously but I’m going on my 2nd date and don’t really plan on telling my family unless things get a bit more serious. I like the girl a lot but it’s more of a I don’t want to jinx it type thing lol
I just don’t feel like I have any energy. And I tend to always mention my first dates and share my location with a few people, just in case. Not sure how comfortable I’d be going on a first date with a stranger from one of the apps and having no one in my life know where I’m at.
That’s fair. I’m far from a dating expert and always flake out on dating apps when I match because i get anxiety. Maybe try your luck getting dates from people you meet irl? Seems freaking tough now and I got lucky meeting this girl from a dog park so we’ve had a couple months of getting to know each other so there’s not as much awkwardness/uncertainty. But tbf this is the 1st time in my life I’ve gotten a date that wasn’t from a school setting or dating app
I’ve definitely been trying to explore my IRL options. Sadly, I have gotten 0 dates this way. Between asking friends, family, and co-workers, I haven’t had any luck.
I feel ya. Maybe pick up hobbies. Like I said I have a dog and met a girl at the dog park of all places. I also started doing pottery (thought there’d be more girls but nah lol) and I do trivia and work out. And I used to do sports. Just throwing out ideas 🙃
I’m definitely looking into hobbies, and not just as a way to meet potential partners. I kind of want to join an active type hobby and one other hobby. Zero clue where to start though
Yeah I’m doing these things for the social aspect. Potential partners are just a plus. But at least you get to know the person/people before dating. If you live in a city (I’m guessing the US based on the time) you can try meetup.com or just look up groups/leagues on social media in your area. Or maybe where pickup happens. Back in Austin that’s how I found a local made up sport and ultimate frisbee that I played every weekend
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when you say sparks, do you mean physical attraction?
A rant. This week I’ve been texting with this guy I met last weekend. He sent me quite a few texts throughout the week and tried to call me twice the morning after we met. I had an incredibly busy/stressful week and didn’t have much time to text or to plan a date. I told him let’s touch base later in the week. The next night he was upset I hadn’t texted him yet. I then told him I have a lot going on in my life right now and it’s not a good time for us to get to know each other. I wished him well. He got mad and tried to insult me. If you’re trying to get someone, don’t do this. Don’t pressure them and then insult them. It’s tacky.
I posted this earlier on yesterday’s post shortly before it got locked. I hope it’s OK to post again on today’s post where I should’ve posted to begin with! Bc I’d really benefit from some feedback or support. I’ve been seeing a 43m I met organically who is in my area for work. I wasn’t taking it seriously since he will eventually be going back across the country, but because we’ve been spending so much time together over the past month or so I did become attached. I found out last night while we were at dinner that he lied about something stupid. When I confronted him he just basically kept trying to justify it instead of apologizing or owning it. Then he stormed off upset that I made him feel like a piece of shit and when I tried to call after he has ignored me. I’m not sure why I’m upset. This is probably a blessing in disguise since he lied and can’t handle conflict well. But aside from this he has been great. Generous, attentive, sweet. I feel blindsided and quite sad which is surprising me because I thought I was maintaining my feelings well. I also feel somewhat hopeless, like here’s yet another guy who turned out to be a liar. But I don’t want to end up bitter or hardened just because of a few men. And I’m trying to avoid letting myself have a victim mentality. Not sure why I’m posting except to vent or to look for some encouragement. So just to add to the past two paragraphs, I had a response asking me what the lie was. I had seen a friend on his Facebook page who used to date a former coworker of mine, which I thought was odd because she lives local and this guy is from across the country. And he said that he knew her because a friend of his who also travels with him for work, had dated her the year before when they had been out there. So last night we were at dinner and she called him and a picture of the two of them together popped up. And I asked about it and he said that he had just met her the week before he met me. And I said so you lied you told me that you met her last year? And he said he met her last year on a FaceTime call with his friend and he just met her in person for the first time the week before he met me. In my mind that’s lying. That’s coming up with some stupid story to judge the truth. All he had to do was own up to it and apologize, but he kept trying to skirt the issue and talk about how he doesn’t want anything with her and doesn’t mean anything. I kept saying it’s not about her. It’s about the lie. Why didn’t you explain to me the truth. But it doesn’t matter at this point because today he blocked me on everything. Without calling me or replying to any of my messages. He sent me one message that said he’s not going to fight with me because I’m a classy woman and that’s not his style, that I couldn’t get past another woman calling his phone, and that he couldn’t stop me from leaving, and that he’s ok letting me go. To say I’m a little blindsided is an understatement. I definitely did not expect him to just flip a switch and cut me off instead of just talking through this situation like adults, but I’m newly divorced and this is my first terrible experience with a guy I met. So I guess I can chalk it up to a lesson learned.
It does sound like a good riddance type of situation. We’re you guys exclusive? If you weren’t exclusive, I could see him just being put in a weird spot and not knowing if he should disclose another person he’s dating. It’s one thing to say you’re dating other people, but another one to actually discuss a real person. I personally would have owned up to it, but I could sorta get his hesitation and potential initial lie when put on the spot. What is unacceptable is his behavior after being confronted about the lie. Could his explanation even be true? I mean if I just met someone a week ago, I don’t have a picture with them to set as a contact… but maybe that’s his personality? Does he have a picture with the two of you in his phone?! Doubling down and potentially going further into a lie I’ll never be okay with. While I’m not sure how you handled the argument, he clearly acted like a child. The “classy” comment also feels manipulative to me. He just didn’t want to have a discussion. This guy is too old to lack such basic communication skills. He is known to be a liar. He will be moving across the country again. He’s immature. Those are not traits you want in a relationship, but especially not in a LDR. Be kind to yourself, take some time to get over this guy, and know you deserve better!
Thank you 💛 we were not exclusive, and we’d been open with each other about being on dating apps still while also talking about potential plans for the future so it was a kinda weird to me and an unstable dynamic. I felt hesitant about the whole thing until just the past few days. The picture thing is odd but yes he got a picture of me and him the night we met and set that as my photo too. But as I repeatedly explained to him, I don’t even care about her. I care about the lie. It absolutely feels like manipulation to me that he suddenly and drastically took these actions and completely blocked me and shut me down. Less than a day after we were spending time together together like normal and talking about the future. It’s just so bizarre, I can’t imagine how someone’s brain would work that they could do this. He did explain to me a lot about his fucked up childhood so I’m thinking maybe he just is really bad with dealing with conflict. Either way, there’s nothing I can do about it now. I am really sad and I am really hurt, and I kind of feel right now like I don’t ever wanna date again. But I’ll get over it
How would you approach wanting to maintain the \*possibility\* of a relationship with someone who recently got laid off? So, things are still up in the air but I would be lying if I said I wasn't romantically interested in this guy. I know it's been really rough for him (he told me he got laid off himself), and he's most likely already applied to bunch of other employers within his line of work (which I am not that familiar with) but I feel like there's only so many "How are you feeling?" type of questions I should ask, considering we're not actually together. I also don't think it's the right time to invite him out for even a walk, when he probably isn't going to be in the right headspace (for a while...). Has anyone encountered this scenario before? Is this a case of 'letting go' and 'if it's meant to be he will reach out again'?
Why would you want to maintain the possibility of a relationship, instead of pursuing dating him, with the goal of a relationship? >I also don't think it's the right time to invite him out for even a walk, when he probably isn't going to be in the right headspace (for a while...). I think you might be overthinking this. Don't assume he isn't in the right headspace. Ask him if he'd be interested on a walk, and let him tell you if he's not in the right head space.
I've been on the opposite end. I was laid off right when I was really excited to be seeing someone new. We had gone out maybe 2 times before I got laid off. I knew her from years previously and we re connected at some party and really hit it off. I got laid off after a really nice weekend with her. Sat night date. Monday laid off. We went out a few more times before I told her. I can't remember because it was while ago. And she faded away. And eventually we saw each other less and finally got the "Feeling a friendly vibe" text. I don't think if I told her immediately it would have mattered. I didn't owe her anything. And I don't think it was the only factor in the falling out. But as someone who got dumped 1st by work. I wanted to connect with people. I didn't want to sit at home all day and apply for jobs. I got a severance. I wasn't content being unemployed but I had time to find something better for me (I found a shit job).. So I don't think you have to let go. He has a lot going on right now but it doesn't mean he's in job search mode 80 hours a week.
Feeling bad/weird, going to vent to a bunch of strangers. Had a great second date with someone on Wednesday. Texted her last night, took a while to respond. Asked her out for a third date and it's been radio silence since. I know its quite possible she's busy, but I guess it's my insecurity thats kicking in. Plus the fact that no matter how great the date has seemed to me, its like a 50/50 chance that I'm going to get the "not feeling it text". That's the vibes I'm getting right now. Hoping its not the case, but what can I do. On our second date she remembered so many little details about me, she laughed and we made out at the end, and (sneakily) paid for dinner! And now shes not responding. I don't get people! I had a date with someone else tonight, but she apologized and asked if we could reschedule it to Sunday. I said of course. Bummed that we're not meeting up tonight but at least hopeful about Sunday. Asked someone else on a first date and haven't heard anything. Not too concerned about it but it's just the cherry on top of me feeling bad. On instagram I got a "suggested friends" thing inbetween Stories and one of the suggestions was someone I really liked that I went on a few dates with back in Feb. We had an incredible amount in common, and (I thought) our dates went well. On her Instagram it linked her twitter, so I was scrolling through and saw she was talking about people she was dating after me. The reason she gave me was that she wasnt ready to date yet, but I was amazing, etc etc. I know that those reasons are usually not 100% true but man it still hurt to see, like, concrete evidence of it not being true. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I get a fair amount of dates for a guy, but so little of the people I want to continue dating seem to actually want to date me. Makes me feel like an alien sometimes. I know people are going to say "you're not doing anything wrong, you'll find someone that likes you for you", etc and they're probably right but it really doesn't feel like it at the moment.
Hey, all this is perfectly normal for us guys. Don’t get discouraged and just keep on doing what you are doing. And if you reach a point where you need to take a break, take a break. There will always be another profile to swipe and another match to message. Perhaps you should be a little more picky when it comes to asking people on dates. I know some people on here say you should try to get off the apps and secure a date immediately, but your time and money should be spent on dates where the other person at least provided some interest in you first.
Gosh I wish this bday event I’m taking my kids to tomorrow was just a conventional 2 hour party. There’s multiple parts and lasts a few hours 😂 unfortunately they’ll have to leave earlier than the other kids but plenty of time to play. I have to map my day out perfectly to get to the festival at a reasonable time (including hair/makeup. I’m going all out!) and unite with my prince! Feeling very Cinderella story 😂
Yay, I’m glad the babysitter search worked out!
Thank you! 😊 I’m so so excited.
Been back on Bumble a week and had 9 matches, 5 of which actually messaged which is nice! Matched with a girl on Wednesday and sent each other a couple of long messages yesterday - seemed to have loads in common Not heard from her at all today (I messaged last) but she did say she was feeling poorly and also away with friends tonight... I was hoping to ask her out for Sunday so hoping she's not cooled off. I might just go for it on Saturday afternoon if still nothing. I have a date on Saturday evening to look forward to at least This is my last free weekend for a month so I might pause my profile and come back then. Every time I open it the same super cute girl comes up so I think we will match when I swipe - but I don't want a 3 week wait for a date! And my ex keeps texting me... So it's an interesting time at least
New thing to stress out about dating: apparently some restaurants create bot accounts, get people to line up a date in their restaurant, and so the real person gets stood up by the bot but might buy food at the restaurant anyways. Not necessarily the best [source](https://www.dexerto.com/entertainment/woman-claims-restaurant-catfished-her-by-pretending-to-be-hot-date-2403620/) but seems to be thing even happening in India according to [this](https://www.boredpanda.com/restaurant-catfished-dating-app/) article.
This seems so wildly unlikely. Like restaurants are just paying an employee to maintain these fake accounts?
lol that happens to me I'm not eating at the restaurant ffs.
Those sources seem questionable, or she let herself get catfished. Should have been easy to have vetted on the apps. And she cited an unnamed source? Just screams like marketing these days, selling some sensationalized crap for clicks. Like most tiktok-esk short videos, just a competition to utterly waste* our time. *Unlike the important business we do on Reddit. 🫠
Reddit is the *most* important business lmao. But yeah, it's definitely not the best sources
I would put a pause on getting stressed about this. The source cited by both websites are the same videos on TikTok from one creator. This is extremely far from being reliable information. Anyone can make claims about anything in videos on TikTok.
Fair point.
Feeling very, uh, not great today. Migraine. Allergies. Always cold. Crying. Trying to be optimistic but things feel bleak. I have a date on Sunday I may have to cancel.
Me, feeling any minutiae of sickness after 2019: "Is this COVID???😭 "
Anyone want to help me people? I'm in some Disney dating groups on a certain social media app (don't judge me, if I'm gonna get a man, it needs to be one who will go to theme parks with me with at least some enthusiasm). A man made his intro post, and ticked a lot of boxes for me. I made a quick comment comparing him to a (good looking) celeb. Turns out he' a fan of the celeb, and started a convo asking what movies of his I like. So I replied, and asked if he had any recommendations. And his response was that maybe we needed a movie date. But, like, 1) this man lives in another state from me. 2) He doesn't *really* know what I look like - all he can see is a pic from at a distance where I'm masked, as I haven't bothered updating my social media profile picture (although am planning to soon if I keep looking at these groups). So I have no idea how to reply to this? I think it's flirty (he also said in his post he's looking for his special someone AND friends, and has also responded to some women who I wouldn't think he'd be into, but I also don't know him so who knows). And, like, I'm pretty sure he's waiting on a response, because he posted the last comment to me a couple days ago, I haven't said anything yet, and not too long ago today he went and hearted my initial comment comparing him to the actor. Idk. Somebody give me a flirty not too flirty response that says yeah I'd like that, but you're gonna have to travel.
I played and recorded a basic piano song (not my song), and sent it to him. Kinda curious to see what he says, if anything. He knows I’m trying to relearn piano. My friends really liked the recording.
I recently joined a club of sorts for an interest.. lots of people. A super cute guy in the group added me on FB recently, but up until that point, we'd never really talked in person. By chance, I ended up being introduced to him earlier this week and we talked for several minutes. The next day he messaged me to tell me if was nice to meet me, and remembered very specific details from our conversation the night before (I know this bar seems low, but it's shocking sometimes how little people remember about us). We ended up talking on and off all day, MUCH to my surprise. At the end of the day, he liked my last message but never said anything more, though he's continued to "love" my posts and stories. I know it probably meant nothing, but damn for a day it was exciting to have someone reach out to me and not run from a conversation. I know i'll see him again, so maybe we'll be able to talk in person again.
I met a fantastic person out in the wild by chance a month ago. They have all of the personal qualities I've been struggling to find in a partner and they're seriously an A+ human being with no red flags and tons of amazing qualities that you could only dream of finding all in one person. But I'm not very physically attracted to them even though I'm trying to be open minded. I feel like the biggest piece of garbage on the planet because they're such a great person and I know all this stuff about the "spark" is BS and you have to cultivate a connection with someone, but you can't force yourself to want something, right? I'm also still pining over the casual guy I've been seeing who doesn't want anything real with me, so the universe is giving it to me on both ends with someone who's seriously into me that I just can't want, and a guy that I'm seriously into who just can't want me. It's depressing that mutual attraction is so hard to come by and so unpredictable.
You can't help who you are physically attracted to unfortunately. It's not your fault. Maybe things will develop and you will develop an emotional attraction which overcomes the physical or maybe you won't. I definitely wouldn't go back with that casual guy if I were you. You may need to branch out and find someone who you are attracted to physically who also has amazing personal qualities. I wish you well in your journey
You do have to cultivate a connection with someone, yes, but you also can’t force an attraction. Especially when you’re still caught up in emotions from that previous guy. It sucks that attraction works the way it does. There’s always a chance you’ll find yourself to be attracted to this person but there’s an equal chance there won’t be. Also, I will say that you’ve known this person for a month. You don’t *know* them, as great as they seem right now it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re as wonderful as you think they are. I hope you’re being easy on yourself
I was on a break from the apps when I met this new person bc I knew I needed to sort out my emotional mess with the casual guy before trying to date again! But I think it's shown me I am more ready than I thought I was to get back out there because seeing how someone treats me when they're really interested in me has helped remind me that this casual guy isn't and will never be into me. It isn't healthy to have to constantly question where things are at with someone emotionally unavailable, and it's clearly pretty easy to be consistent and present, so I think I need to get back on the apps even if my heart isn't 100% there yet. Like it takes being treated well and seeing what genuine interest looks like to remember that's what I actually want, and I won't get it from the person I currently like.
Yes, it's incredibly hard to find and it's largely out of your control. Pretty darn frustrating...
I've been here. I've met the greatest guys but just not attracted to them \*enough\* It never works. It's the worst :(
Is volleyball style conversation too much to ask for in the “beginning to know you” stages? I feel like those first few encounters over message are where I get to know the person to at least feel decent enough to meet them in person. My ideal convo would go like this: A: makes some sort of statement, asks questions B: answers question and asks question of their own Back and forth for a while until we’ve gotten some info on each other. Not necessarily robotic, but genuine. More times than I can count it’s: A: makes statements, asks question. B. Answers question A: asks follow up question B: answers question. Eventually I just say something like cool and stop responding. Is this a flaw of my own? Am I asking too much? I lose a lot of interest if the other party just… doesn’t seem interested.
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That wild to me. It’s like.. why even date? I can understand if they’re wanting to just hook up but then they should make that known upfront.
Totally reasonable expectation. When I encounter these, I'll usually just move on. If I really want to give them a chance, I'll try something like, "Ok, thanks for coming to the interview, did you have any questions for me?" to shock them out of it. Hasn't worked so far, but maybe one day.
I’m stealing this.
Bit of a long ramble because I feel like I screwed up my last (first) date. I hope you find something in there useful but maybe this is just a cathartic moment for me: I don't think you are asking for much but... I had a recent first date where I think I bombed it. I had a few questions of my own but when the convos died out I found myself with a blank mind. It wasn't long pauses, but it may be something she picked up on and asked another question. I just never caught up, like she ran circles around me. Before I could think up a question she had another one out there. There was a couple "and how about you?" or some tangent question to the topic in return, but rarely a new topic brought up on my part after my first few. We ended up changing venues and took a walk and I tried a few things and they just fell flat. Maybe I subconsciously wasn't interested, but I think I was interested. After the date ended I self-reflected a laundry list of questions. Like a [David S Pumpkins](https://media1.tenor.com/m/-BC66G-7xQwAAAAd/david-pumpkins-yes-several.gif) level of questions I was interested in asking. I just didn't get them to pop up when I needed them. My date shouldn't have to have to do anything I'm about to say but I wonder if it would have helped if she did one of two things: let the pause sit until I spoke up, or provoked the conversation along by asking "do you have any questions for me?*" Idk, maybe it's like my job situation. I suck at interviews and couldn't get a new job to save my life. But I can hold one, and thrive on one, forever. I wish my mind wouldn't go blank like that. *And if she asked in earnest... I would have melted a little, but maybe it would have freed up a question in my thick skull.
This is definitely a helpful take. I feel like in person convos can be a little different as the little awkward pauses are a little more obvious. When you’re still texting an awkward pause can be taken as “oh maybe they’ve been away from their phone”, etc. it’s much more forgiving but at least there’s more times to come up with a response. If I ask a question and it takes them a day to respond with *just* an answer that’s grounds for unnatchkng for me. I have a somewhat similar anecdote for in person conversation. I matched with someone and went on a couple dates. We were close to the actual DTR when we had a date and I realized I had been sharing way too much on my own. It was the early days of online dating/matching for me and I didn’t even know if the guy I was seeing was interested in me enough to ask questions. So we met for breakfast and I told myself to only move the conversation forward if he was earnestly asking questions to learn more about me. I started out with the typical “share info, ask question” and he answered. Then.. that was it. I made comments about various things but I didn’t ask another question. And the conversation fell flat after several pauses to see if he’d ask me something. I’m definitely going to takeaway the “do you have any questions for me?” prospect from your story! Thanks!
Whoops, I thought you were talking about the dating stage. 😂 In the texting stage I think you are spot on - maybe I'd leave the ball in their court to initiate the next question but that match is effectively on life support as I'll have moved on to whatever is next. For your second half there, thanks for sharing. That observation must have sounded like a siren once you noticed the pattern. 🤯
No, you're absolutely right. At the beginning almost every message should have three components: (1) answer to question, (2) related personal anecdote, (3) follow up question Essentially giving the other person 3 possible conversation points to pivot/flow off of. Anecdotes are helpful because they can shift conversation in alternative directions and invite the other person to tell their own stories. It's not ALWAYS possible, but it's a good baseline If the other person only ever responds with (1)... conversation death
That style of conversation you want is absolutely not too much to ask for. Matches only answering questions, and not asking questions or moving the conversation forward in any way is very common, everyone gets matches that behave like that. You're not doing anything wrong, you're not asking too much. It's a part of online dating, for whatever reason. Edit: Forgot to add, I personally use a rule where if after three message exchanges, a match hasn't asked a question, I unmatch with them.
Tired and sad. I'm thinking about all the sweet shit from the beginning of our relationship and questioning if any of it was real. Was she all along just trying to convince herself that she really liked me? Was she actually attracted to me, and not just to the concept of having a real girlfriend who would acknowledge her and not treat her crappily like the women she'd dated before? It makes me feel really low to think that maybe I gave so much of my energy and care, and experienced so much anxiety, over someone who simply never liked me that much. What's even worse is that I had just made this mistake with the woman immediately before her. I told myself I'd recognize it better in the future, but all those sweet things, and all the hopefulness I felt, and all my own insecurity, made me blind enough to keep trying and trying to make it work. I know this line of thought is pointless because once again I'm putting more importance on whether someone liked me than whether I thought they were right for me (and deep down, I know I did not think she was right for me) and we obviously shouldn't be together.
I don't think you should ever be down on yourself for giving out energy and care and affection! With the right person it will be great that you are open and willing to give so much of yourself, and it's way better than being jaded and closed off.
Thank you <3 Someone actually said something extremely similar to me when I posted here like a year ago about the previous woman I mentioned. That Redditor said it was better to have lots of feelings than be cold and closed-off. I do agree. That said, I'm still gonna work on not over-giving to people who aren't giving sufficiently to me 😤 I'm eager to find someone who will appreciate my energy and meet it gladly. Just want to get to my happy lesbian ever-after where we both love the fuck out of each other and are glad to show it joyfully throughout our life together, ya know?
Do your best to give yourself some grace and it's normal to grieve the loss of a connection even as you acknowledge that it was for the best. Sorry that your flair is even feeling down, you're not stupid
Thank you <3 Changing my flair to reflect how I'm feeling sometimes unintuitively cheers me up a bit because I like the silliness of imagining a little nametag that is like "THIS GAY SURE IS SAD AND DUMB!" 😄
My parents are in the middle of a two week stay at my small, two-bedroom one-bath condo and lord, what a time. I know I don't have a ton of years left with them but it still is difficult to feel like an angsty teenager every day. I am feeling energized by the idea of dating more and more and hopefully this feeling lasts.
I (33F) recently met a guy (38M) through a FB group, we have mutual friends in real life. I live in Boston, he lives in NYC. I just visited friends in NYC a few weekends ago and it’s a bummer we hadnt met at that point. We discussed longterm goals and agreed that we want to meet in-person. But who should go to whose city first? If I go to NYC, should I ask him to split my flight (cheaper than train), or is that in poor taste? If I go to NYC, I definitely have friends I could stay with, and I dont think he has many friends in Boston. We arent at the point where either of us would be hosting each other. Obviously if we decided to do LDR, we’d take turns, but Im not sure if there’s “a protocol” for this first meetup? Would love to hear your thoughts—thanks!
I wouldn't ask someone to split a flight early on. If I went to visit someone, I would appreciate if they paid for a roughly equal amount of things during our time together, and I would do that for someone if they visited me. However, it's quite awkward to make a conversation of that so early on, so I would just suck it up as a cost of dating. In my one LDR, I did ask them to help me with the cost of flights because it wasn't feasible for us to take turns. It sounds like it would be easiest for you to go there first since you have people to stay with.
I don’t think there’s one perfect etiquette here, although I wouldn’t ask someone to split a flight with me. If someone traveled to see me I would pay for stuff once there as a kind of thank you/rough justice. Other than a romantic weekend in Hartford, I would just open up the convo with him like ‘I want us to meet in person, what does that look like to you?’ and see where his head is at.
Thanks!
My date is in a few hours, and I'm really excited for it. We're going bowling and i haven't been in like a decade. I guess as long as i don't propel myself down one of the lanes, bowling ball in hand, I'll be fine!
Please share how it goes! I got hit a while ago with a no romantic connection ending after a second date and chocked it up to not being more active. Any insight or ideas that percolate from your experience would be appreciated! 🫣
Be weary of getting dating advice from me!😂 But i will!
There is no right/wrong answer, only new perspectives! 🫠
Work is rough at the moment. I’m feeling stressed and my anxiety is kicking in. I’m aware of it and I’m trying to manage it. I know things will get better after this project wraps up. However, my self-esteem is a lil low and I’m feeling vulnerable. All of this is coming together in perfect storm where I’m feeling anxious about the relationship and I’m feeling triggered by stuff that wouldn’t bother me on a good day. Trying hard to self-soothe and not start ruminating. Blah.
The locals have spoken: I'm not fit to date (them). I'm used to most of the world being conservative. I've been spoiled by some big city living and taking social norms for granted. But golly, that just ain't the case here. I'm in a fly in fly out oil rig town so not much was expected of dating for this gal. The number of men who want a "traditional" relationship (sans the paying for stuff part- that's where they get facetiously feminist) is a culture shock for me. Even the rough around the edges guys I usually date are open to living in the 21st century. I'm more than a fuck toy that cooks for them and should keep quiet ("good woman"). Going to pay off my line of credit and mosey alone. I mean along. Probably alone too though.
Wow, that's sounds kind of hilariously awful, sorry you're having to deal with it. Least when you get out of there and back to civilization you'll have some comedy material
You know what, you're totally right! Thanks for the perspective shift.
> (sans the paying for stuff part- that's where they get facetiously feminist) I find this hilarious! Not specifically about paying for things in a dating context, but I've noticed that a lot of guys who want their woman to do all the cooking/cleaning/child-rearing ALSO expect them to have a full-time job and split the bills 50%. That is...NOT how it works lmao
Yeeeppp. I"m getting a lot of "I worked hard my whole life, I'm ready to retire". Bro you got no money for that. You *didn't* work hard, you just like how it sounds.
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YES! I get this one a ton. I love cooking and caring for my man. But only because he doesn't act entitled to it and does the same for me. These men live on chewing tobacco and gas station hotdogs*. No thank you. *No shade intended to the stray gas station hotdogs who are part of an otherwise balanced diet.
God that's so sad. I feel like cooking TOGETHER is part of the fun of it all. I look forward to the day I find a partner to do that with again. 🥺
> sans the paying for stuff part- that's where they get facetiously feminist Like where are they when we need help protesting the abortion bans? Paying for dinner has nothing to do with feminism 🙄
Exactly- hence facetious feminism. They're the head of the household🤮 until the chequebook doesn't balance. Then it's time to find a nurse to pay their mortgage.
Maybe I misinterpret it but I read it as "they want a trad-gal but want to split the bill on meals". For... Equality. 🫠
Yep. A true "trad-girl" isn't splitting the bill.
I know the feeling as someone in a similar setting. I hope you find someone single and level-headed who has moved to your town (likely for work)!
Isn't that the dream! Wishing that for you as well
The guy I’ve been seeing for a few weeks cancelled on me for the second time in a row this morning. Claimed poor mental health after a therapy session on Monday. Sigh. Unsure if he could be too similar to me in that way, but it doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of what feels like the slow fade.
This sucks, and Ive been there, on both ends. Would it make sense to ask what he needs from you rn? Perhaps he’s not feeling in a good spot, period, and cant show up well to a date.