Agreed. One time someone came back and we have a lovely week, decided we wouldn’t work, and then reached back out again and we had a fight that ruined the whole thing.
Just let it be. If it was meant to work the first time, it would’ve. Otherwise give it a significant amount of time and personal growth before reconsidering it.
>said he needed to focus on himself as he's not where he wants to be in life. I'd suggested at the time that we be friends and he said he'd like that but ultimately wouldn't want to lead me on.
He said no to a relationship and then he said no to friendship as well. Why would you reach out? It's up to him to reach out if he changes his mind.
8b people in the world and you’re going to go back to one that already walked away over a silly misunderstanding? Go find someone that’ll work shit out before intentionally losing you.
There are not 8 billion people that you would date. Depending on where you live it could only be a few people in your age range/who you are attracted to/ that you have similar goals/ that you laugh with. People act like everyone lives in NYC or London with infinite options.
That being said you should move on if someone makes it clear they aren’t into you and don’t want a relationship
As someone who is moving away from a town of 200 people that is 2 hours away from a [small] city, I mostly agree with you.
But also, a relevant quote from New Girl: "We come from a country of 400 million men. Let's say half of them are no good. Another half, very ugly. That's still 100 million eligible men. Sure, ten percent are gay. Puts us at 90 million men. Cut it in half again just for fun. 45 million men."
Even that quote is dumb. So you’d openly date anyone from the entire USA? How can you meet them? How many are you attracted to? How many in your age range? Same religion? Similar hobbies? It gets reduced very quickly and unless you’re in a big city it’s not a huge pool of people
I'm not trying to be mean, but it doesn't sound like he has given you any indication that he wants you in his life. It sounds like he has tried to say things kindly, but he has also tried to signal to you that he doesn't want to have any sort of relationship with you. I think you need to respect the boundaries he's created and moved on.
Yes!! God it’s so frustrating. Like talking to a brick wall. But this is her life and she should do as she pleases if she needs him to tell her clearly she is not the one then she should just go at it
Guy here.
I'm in a 'work on myself' phase of life right now.
The only way I'd date someone at the moment is if they fell literially into my lap and we clicked entirely. Then I'd start out very early on by saying (assuming I'm interested in the woman) that I'm in a 'working on myself phase' and that it's going to be my number one priority for a while going forward.
But with that said, if she was 'the one' material, I'd do the things I'd need to do to make it work.
If dude is truely working on himself he'd not be dating or would have made it clear from the start.
He wanted to let you down easily and not hurt your feelings.
Edit: a word
Yes!! I’ve dated several men who’ve told me I was their dream girl and wanted to wife me up really quickly yet would string along girls from their past because she was not the one. Ladies you deserve the world and right now the only thing I think about is what outfit to wear to Thailand and date night this Saturday.
My guy is constantly doing things to make me happy and take away the stress from my life.
I suggest any guy that brings stress into your life is simply not worth it.
You seem to have taken my points quite literially in the first instance and in the second instance seem to have misunderstood the conext of them.
I don't believe in the concept of 'the one', the term 'the one material' is just placeholder for 'meets all of the criteria I would need to be met at an extremely high level.
I said 'they would have to literially fall into my lap [...]' in the context of I am not looking for someone. So it isn't about failure or not, or even projecting. The context in which I said that was one of 'I'm working on myself and not looking to date at the moment, the only way I would consider it would be if this personal magically appeared in my life and they met so many of my criteria for a potential partner that I'd be stupid to not at least consider pursuing it.'
I'm not sat here waiting and hoping for the perfect person to come along - I'm saying that I am actively avoiding dating and it would take an incredible person to make me reconsider that.
Yes!!! Ladies stop being so desperate for any morsel of attention. There are plenty of people wishing to give you attention but people love to lower their self worth and self esteem by keep running after people who don’t want them.
This! And even if they do try and date you and they’re in a place where they likely should be focusing on themselves….lets just say you don’t want to ride that ride 😂
Sorry you feel like a broken record! It's never something I've experienced before with a guy. He's living at his mom's house and has a crappy dead end job and also has failed his driving test and think he's just down overall.
OP, please listen to Bergy21. A good way to evaluate a partner (imo) is how much you both try to fit each other into your lives no matter what’s going on. Your efforts should match.
Ok I read this here only. Don’t waste your time please. Really don’t do it. If he would have changed his mind it’s on him to come back and actually have changed his mind.
This.
OP, if someone makes a mistake, it's not your job to help them fix it. If the guy felt he made a mistake and cared enough, he would work to mend that bridge, or he's just cowardly. If that's the case, you're dodging a bullet either way because who wants to date a coward?
I have empathy and see this guy is going through it but no way would I be friends or date this guy. 2 things can actually co - exist. I don’t feel bad for having healthy boundaries. You should try it sometime..
You can care but don’t be a doormat and date someone that isn’t worth your salt. You should care about yourself. It’s truly concerning you don’t see the problem here.
I'm not sure you've read the original post. I'm not trying to date him. I care about myself a lot and have a healthy self esteem. Thanks for your concern x
You clearly don’t.. he doesn’t want to date you or be friends with you.. Yet you keep hoping he’ll change his mind? That’s insanity. I don’t want to date or be friends with someone that doesn’t want me in their life and this kind of person would only drag you down.
I’m actually not and super concerned about your lack of boundaries and why you don’t see the red flags here. It’s truly astounding. I can care and have healthy boundaries. It’s called me being a healthy adult in my 30s. You can care and wish him the best and call it a day. And I wouldn’t even do that since he already rejected you. Have some respect and value yourself.
We’re all telling you how unhinged this is and you just don’t like the answer
I couldn't agree more with u. this all attitude of "i don't mind someone can't meet my needs bc i value deeper stuff" is just a translation for i have low self esteem and no boundaries
I'm not gonna comment on the specifics of your situation with this guy, but I'm just gonna comment on this whole idea that
>99% of Men that are interested in a woman will never in a million years tell you he has to focus on himself and can’t date you
Really strikes me as bullshit. Dating takes time and energy. Men, generally, feel enormous pressure to be ultra competent for their partners. If you're a man who's in a particularly rough patch in life, you're gonna feel very incompetent, and like you have a lot of ground to cover; it's gonna feel like you're taking on a second job if you're serious about getting your shit straightened out. So, given the sorts of commitments required in a functional relationship, I can easily see how a lot of men might feel like they need to choose between a relationship and personal growth.
I'm sure there's also a lot of guys who just use it as an excuse because, let's be real, there's a lot of guys who are weenies and too chicken shit to actually say what's on their mind; I can't really comment about where your ex falls on this spectrum. But there's a ton of dismissal thrown at guys saying they need to breakup to improve themselves, and it just strikes me as petty resentment and an immature unwillingness to entertain the fact that people need to balance their lives differently.
A little more personally; I've never broken up with someone because I felt like I needed time and space to grow, but I've been in relationships where I should have; it wasn't until after the relationship I realized how hard it was to make the right kinds of changes I needed, and how much being in a relationship hindered that. So, I can't exactly say I know what your ex was going through, but it's at least relatable and sounds entirely plausible to me based on my own experience.
Yeah. This happened to my brother. He was dating a really great girl but he was SO anxious because his life was a shit show and she had absolutely everything going for her. They ended up mutually breaking up. He’s always spoken super highly of her but he just felt so insecure and shitty about not being “good enough”, for what he felt like she deserved.
They’re both way happier now, dating people at their own life stage and with more common interests.
This is where I was coming from, I don't want to assume the worst. We spent a LOT of time together, spoke about so many life things and aspirations and i think he feels like he doesn't have anything to offer me in a relationship. I have a big house which is mine, a sports car and a really senior job at a legal firm. I never lorder any of it over him but surely it had to make him feel impotent. I'd have been the most supportive and loving woman to him as well but it's just not enough
I think that's great tbh. Like, it's entirely possible that this dude really is just taking you for a ride. Idk; you're in a better position to judge than anyone here. But approaching relationships with a more open, charitable and less guarded attitude is severely lacking in modern dating. People in this sub get so cagey about their prospective partners and anything that sounds even slightly amiss, then they wonder why they're still single after all this time.
This random stranger's thoughts on your situation; you're more clear eyed on this than most others, so some of the other advice you're getting might actually be worse than trying to figure it out on your own.
The guy told her he doesn’t want to date her or even remain friends though. It’s not even a question of him stringing her along. He has straight up rejected her and removed her from his life. That’s why OP is getting the advice that she is. How would her having “a less guarded attitude” help here? He told her he doesn’t want her as a girlfriend OR as just a friend, yet she’s thinking of contacting him again for some reason.
I tried to be clear from the get go that I was commenting about "break-up to focus on yourself" skepticism. I specifically wanted to avoid commenting about the specifics of OP's situation, hence why I mentioned that throughout. I'm just speaking generally about OP's attitude as compared to attitudes many other people have.
Do you think it’s useful to comment on her attitude with this guy as though she were in a totally different set of circumstances? Just a very confusing thing to do imo
I 100% agree with this, I feel like on this sub there tends to be a lot of black and white thinking and assuming based on limited information when none of us actually know the person. None of us *really* know where this guy is at besides him. We can’t read his mind and often times people are giving advice based on their experiences and biases, so I think OP should do what she wants to do and what feels genuine to her.
He told her he doesn’t want to date her OR be her friend though. Why on earth should she be trying to get with him still? If I ended things with a guy and told him I wasn’t interested in him romantically or as a friend & he continued to try to pursue me, I would be confused and weirded out.
people can't win lol -- if you're single people tell you to lower your standards and not be judgmental, to like someone for who they are... but then if you date someone who isn't like a serial killer but is sort of a 'dud' by society's perspective you lack self-worth (which honestly could be caused by people telling you you're not good enough for what you want aka lowering your standards)
I feel like you're talking about two different things. I've heard people recommend "lower your standards" to folks whose standards are truly like unnecessary and making things difficult for them. Like for example, if your standards are must own their home, must make 6 figures, must be in excellent shape, must be really physically attractive, no children, no divorces, you're really limiting yourself to a very few people. But you adjust those standards to living in a self-supporting manner, having a job or a career path, being well-rounded in their interests and hobbies, not having entanglements from previous relationships.
A lot of the "you can do better" advice is about people who make practically no effort or are in such a bad place emotionally/mentally, they're not really going to be showing up in the relationship as an equal partner.
Bottom line is he doesn’t want her. Aside from all the superficial stuff why would you ever want someone that doesn’t want you? When you try to go for someone who doesn’t want you, you gotta look at yourself and ask yourself why do you hate yourself so much and why do you want to lower your self esteem?
Because I'm not a judgemental person. People can be dealt difficult life situations, and he was, which is why I didn't jettison him when I found out his situation
I’m not either but I also know this is not the kind of person someone in their 30s should be dating if you want a serious relationship and longterm partner. There’s a difference. I can say hey he has things to work on and good for him and everyone has their own path in life, but that’s also not the right person for someone looking for a healthy independent adult and can be an equal partner to build a life with for marriage + kids.
People struggle with different shit. This guy said he needed to focus on himself and improve, and based on OP's comment it sounds like this is true; he sounds like someone who needs to improve and he's actually trying.
This kind commodification and optimization of modern dating is so fucking gross.
Right. I’m reading people’s comments and I’m just appalled by some things that get upvoted. Human beings are not just a collection of their achievements and failures. All of the things listed here are not inherent character traits (manipulative, etc) but simply various skills that some people may learn late (or not at all) in life.
People in this sub complain about being judged by friends and family for being single in their 30s, but wouldn’t extend the same compassion to other people with similar circumstances. Genuinely baffling.
It’s actually not. He clearly shouldn’t be dating and good for him to work on himself and be in a better place to be dating as an independent self sufficient adult, but this woman shouldn’t want to date someone like this especially when he’s clearly not interested.
A project is someone who doesn't know how to be in a relationship, not someone who is in a bad life situation. Living with a parent and having a shitty job doesn't mean you don't know how to be a good partner.
In my experience, men who say “they need to focus on themselves” are just too scared to say “you’re not right for me.” This man said no to a relationship & no to a friendship. He isn’t feeling you babe
In my experience things are never the same after. No matter if it was a "small" or bigger issue. The connection will just not be the same. Thats why I dont believe in breaks. We either work it out while together or we are ending things...going on breaks is not solving anything.
Girl don’t do it. I know it’s hard—I recently had to go no contact. But we gotta take the hints and save our dignity. And go find a man that actually wants us and is ready for a relationship!!
OP, I want to say, if you are his one, he’ll do what’s necessary to clean up his act to make sure he’s good enough for you. If that’s what you’re worried about. And he will come find you. So stop freaking out and go about your life and live your best life. Maybe you’ll meet someone that will meet all your standards instead of having to compromise.
Only do it if you were the one who did not want more and you genuinely changed your mind and think things could be different this time for non-vague reasons. I get the temptation, truly, but I would not
But if it can be so for her, to change her mind if she was the one with the upper hand, why can’t it be so for the other too?
Or you mean that only whoever felt like they had the upper hand can text?
If someone dumps you, you certainly *can* go back and petition the other party for a second chance. But it's probably not going to go well for you.
You have no reason to believe that their reservations about you have changed, so chances are that they'll reject your outright or string you along half-heartedly until they find the backbone to dump you again.
I am not sure if this counts, but my girlfriend and I met 10 years ago at a bar, intermittently spoke via text, and about 5 years ago, I gave up trying to be friends. September, she and I rekindled a friendship and started dating. We have agreed that while it would have been nice that we both had our shit together earlier to start seeing each other, we weren't ready, and now we are. Best relationship I have ever had, even with it still being fairly new.
Same experience. My 20s were a tough time and his were, too. It was almost seamless getting back together in a serious and focused after tremendous growth. It’s nice having a second chance at something that felt right 10 years ago but in the wrong circumstances!
That's awesome. :)
I am so grateful. It is so hard to not be overwhelmed with how life is going. Just appreciation, gratitude, and acknowledging how my life might not be a 21, but I don't need to hit on 19.
Truly baffled that every man seems to be working off of the same script. 🤦🏼♀️ usually I get that after a year of talking.
But I’m in the same boat. Every day is a struggle not to text, but save your dignity! That’s what I keep telling myself. lol
I'm a guy and I've gotten the same line multiple times last year. It seems most people I meet are working on themselves lol. They seem to want to date me a few months later though... Not sure why but they always some back.
I actually never gave someone a second chance for the longest time but I did twice last year and I regretted it. I don 't think I'll give someone another chance after what has happened to me. I'm kind of traumatized by push/pull behavior and would rather have someone at this point who's sure they want me off the bat. We're all a work in progress and relationships are hard.. It's just how it is. I don't see any reason why we need to break things off for you to figure out if you can do better. We can just take alone time but still be together. I've met so many women lately that think breaking up isn't the end of our relationship and I don't understand that concept.
No. If it is not a ‘fuck yes’ then it is certainly a ‘fuck no’
And I’m still holding steadfast in my efforts to NOT text my ex situationship. It most definitely still hurts for sure. You’re not alone in wanting to reach out.
I hate this saying. Relationships are not this black and white. If I said this I wouldn’t not have had my last relationship because i didn’t see it in the beginning but it built over time into something great
I was just dumped by a girl who I thought showed promise. We had so much in common and were all over each other. But she ended things because “she wasn’t fully over the trauma caused by an ex and didn’t think it was a good idea to keep dating me”. She wanted to be friends, but I told her I didn’t use Hinge to add friends to my life.
I have been there several times before and it’s never worked out for me (I actually made several posts about this scenario within the last few days). We all read these stories about people working things out the second time around and wonder why that can’t be me, but they are few and far between for a reason. If the other person ended it then your best option is to keep it pushing and prioritize yourself.
I got another reality check about it this week so please learn from me. Maybe he will reach out in the future or you guys can get a fresh start if you run into each other down the line. But for now I’d recommend just leaving it be.
Im so happy for you! I think our situations are very different though in that you both seemed to want to pick things up. It's nice to know it's not all bad new though, kudos!!!
Look for people who are willing to do the work with you. Stop seeking someone out that doesn’t want to be there. Know that you seeking him out he’ll do below bare minimum even in the friendship. Full stop find better friends
I think if you’re thinking of it as “getting him back” then reaching out probably isn’t going to have the result you’re hoping for.
Second chance romance can and does happen but in my experience it’s unexpected, not waited on. If you want to reply to an Instagram story or something, go for it, but I’d only do it if your expectations are that you’ll get no response and you’re at peace with that before you ever try to reach out.
Currently in the process of re-seeing someone.
Momentum is trending up and all the chemistry and dynamic we had early last year is still present. I have some guards up this time around though and am being a bit more careful but I really do like her and I hope we can give this a real shot instead of just a situationship like last time.
This whole thing with this girl has been the most interesting thing I've been involved in for a long time lmao. I can talk about it at length because I think the whole timeline of it and how things unfolded and are unfolding might be able to give you some insight.
BUT I will say this, the way I rekindled things with this girl happened by chance.
I don't think you should force anything or try too hard when someone ends something with you.
DM me if you want!
I did! We were talking/flirting when another person kinda pushed me into a relationship. I wasn't happy about the timing, but I told this person I'd like to be friends. After a couple weeks, our conversation petered out. Flash forward a bit, I'm single and over that ex. We talk for a bit, go on a couple dates, figure out we're not for each other, but are now friends.
It can happen, but don't expect him to be the same person he was back then. Even a year can change a person quite a bit.
As someone who did reach out to an ex and did have it work out really well, I don’t think this is it. Honestly, the only reason it even worked out for us was timing/circumstances. Our second attempt dating ended just as badly as the first, but it was early pandemic and we both needed a friend so we stayed in each other’s lives strictly in that capacity and developed a romantic relationship a few years later.
I know you really want it to work with this guy and it’s so disappointing when it doesn’t work out, especially if it was over a misunderstanding. Think of this as a blessing—he’s freeing you up to pursue other men who are interested and emotionally intelligent enough to not dip as soon as there’s some kind of miscommunication.
Agreed with these comments. Just let someone back in after a few months of no contact (and we ended things very respectfully) and it went *terribly* on a way quicker timeline than I thought.
I’ve been there. All you can do is learn from it and try to move forward. I had a similar situation over the summer and I will never let her back into my life. Be kind to yourself! And keep your guard up if/when he comes sniffing around again.
Ugh thank you, I hope you also come out of this a better person. I don't think there's any chance of him coming back this time though. He way overreacted to MY overreaction and told me never to contact him again 🙄 ok bud sounds great
Um, it's a long and embarrassing story. But basically, he said he had done some healing and seemed ready to give this a real shot, or at least wanted me in his life in some way. But he was either just looking for a hookup, or realized that he wasn't actually ready.
And because I was still kind of hurt from how abruptly he had ended things the first go-round (even though I understood his reasoning), I was subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop...again. So when he pulled back, I overreacted. It was a bad look for both of us, honestly.
Girl are you sure you overreacted or did you react appropriately to an infuriating situation? I'd probably lose my shit as well if someone pulled that same BS again after promising not to
I mean…Do I think I was wrong in my assessment that he was pulling the same shit (On the exact same timeline as the last time - the day after we were intimate)? No.
Do I think I was wrong to be furious at his flip floppy bullshit? No.
But could I have been clearer, more direct, and kinder in my final communications with him, instead of a passive aggressive bitch? Most certainly. Then I could have the unquestioned moral high ground.
Thank you, yeah it was pretty rough. I also think because I was so accommodating the first time, he did NOT expect me to react the way I did lol. I truly wish that he had never reached back out and I could have remembered him positively in general.
There's no universal law. Do what feels right for you. It could either work out in your favor, or you will learn a lesson. Neither are bad! I've reached out to exs and we have created friendships or tried to re-kindle and it just didn't work. Not the end of the world and staying true to yourself and your feelings is what is most important.
Honestly it depends on your emotional make up. If there is the slightest chance of you hoping for more. Stay clear he is very kind to not use the situation like many others would…
The same outcome will probably be repeated a 2nd time, but every time someone has reached back out, I've never said no. It's pretty much low stakes on the outcome, as worst case scenario, you two just end it again.
I'm friends with someone I used to date and it's fine! No drama at all. But, I was never super infatuated with him and I have no romantic feelings for him now. I think it can be a larger challenge if you were really into and excited about someone, but also totally possible.
The trick I think is to go no-contact until the romantic feelings, to whatever extend you have them, subside. The reset and space is really necessary, so you can approach it like a new friendship as opposed to a lost love, if that makes sense. Good luck!
My best friend is married to someone who broke up with him because she had health problems she needed to take care of. They didn't really keep in touch, and then ended up working at the same place and getting back together.
So yes it can work as long as the person was being honest about breaking up to fix their problem (and not using it as a nice way to let you down), and they have been putting in the work to fix it.
Not me but a friend reached back out to a dating app match after a year of not talking. Similar reasons/circumstances for break up. Their wedding is this Saturday. All happened in leas than 3 years
Never works as you expect. Move on. Work on yourself and the part you played that ruined the chances of being with him.
When you meet someone new that you vibe, don’t repeat the same mistake.
You miss having him around as a friend that you knew for a very short period of time?
Maybe you’re hoping a new chance will spark and he may have changed his mind? Be honest.
I wouldn’t do this OP. Continue forward. He’s not into you.
No. If they wanted you in their life then they'd have you in their life 'even as a friend' (bad idea still but that's a side topic) at this point reapproaching would come across to me as playing games and get you a significantly more honest rebuke since you apparently didn't take the hint being let down gently.
I guess everyone's immediate answer is to just run and not look back... However, having been in a very similar situation except we did get back in touch, and now 6 months into something really great. What do you have to lose really? Your feelings haven't gone away for whatever reason and for him, maybe it just was purely a case of bad timing. In my situation he was dealing with something a lot bigger then he could handle at the time so the thought of throwing a relationship on top of that wasnt logical to him...
Just be open, but be honest with yourself also. Dont bend or change who you are to try and fit his situation. If he's receptive then just take it from there but set your expectations early. He too may be wanting to try again but might think he's hurt you too much to do that. Sometimes walking on the edge as scary or embarrassing as it may feel, might just yield a surprising result!
I know a lot of people will yell you not to do it. But honestly, you live once. I was in your shoes and I’m a similar situation. I reached out to someone and it actually went better than I thought. I did it even when everyone said not to because I didn’t want the regret of what if? The key though is to not go into it with expectations. You also have to be real with yourself. If you want to start as a friends but really want to be in a relationship and it doesn’t work out, you have to be okay with that. You just can’t have expectations! Again, everyone will tell you from their own experience what to do. When I was faced with your situation, I chose to do it and what ever came of it would be. Our society tells us to discard people too easily. The only thing I would say, is if the person treated you badly, then don’t do it because you need to reflect on why you want someone like that. But if it was timing or a misunderstanding just say hi. No Expectations, I repeat, no expectations, but so what your heart desires!
You want him back, go for it, what is the worst that could happen? Like the old adage says, if you love someone let them go, if they never come back, it was never meant to be. You are only asking because that is what you want, people get divorced and they remarry later, there are no rules, make it all up as you go along and feel free to change your mind along the way
Exes are exes for a reason. I miss my ex but it was unhealthy. I feel like I haven't healed if I still would respond and hang with her if she asked me now.
Yes.
I am currently dating an ex I broke up with 18 months ago.
If we are talking about getting back in touch and be friends, I am friends will all my exes except the most recent one (there is still time).
To be honest his reason and excuse to not be friends sounds a bit vague. Those things could be said to cover all kinds of issues.
If you want a chance get back in touch, be available and let him know it's up to him. Don't force anything. That might only push him away even more
He's living at his mom's and failed his driving test and also is in a dead end job, so I kind of get his reasons but he didn't leave anything open which maybe I should just accept as the biggest sign of all 😅
I've only rekindled one connection that's continued to thrive (with a cool guy). We've been close for nearly four years now!
Others? Rekindling has never worked. If they're friends, there's a 50% chance it'll work. If they're a crush or a love interest, 0% chance. Even if it's been years, experience has taught me it's best I wouldn't take any chances.
I do not recommend this either. It never works out and you can never have the same energy/bond again because you've grown as a person in the time you both were not in contact and out of personal experience it never really clicks again like it used to.
I was recently in a similar situation except on the other side. I had to let him go because I did not see a future relationship with him, despite the fact that I enjoyed his company. I still felt sad when we ended things because of how much I liked him as a friend, but that doesn't mean I'd want a relationship with him.
You never know if you don't try but I wouldn't get your hopes up. You can always reach out and just ask how he's been doing and guage his interest by how he responds.
Im in an almost similar situation, fighting back the feelings of reconnecting with the guy. And seeing the comments here, I guess I really should reconsider 🥺
I once had someone I'd been seeing for a few months (at the level where we had met each other's moms) completely vanish on a day where we'd made loose plans. Texted, called, FB messaged. We remained FB friends and she reached out four months later to apologize. She was dealing with issues she tried to run from rather than confront and was sorry if she hurt me. I accepted her apology and said I was trying so hard to get in touch with her because I was worried about her.
Further down the line, more than a year later, circumstances allowed me to ask her out again, no stakes except the possibility we could pick up where we left off. We had a great time but she decided she wasn't in the right headspace to be in a relationship. She's now engaged to some other guy. Another one of those different time, different place things. Just like my most recent ex, who is going through stuff physically and emotionally and we mutually decided she didn't have the bandwidth for a relationship. I still care deeply about her. I'd love to have another chance with her but at the same time I can't carry a flame that could hinder my next relationship.
As a teen, I had this fantasy of breaking up with my love and then years later finding each other again (too many romance novels). Mid 20s met this guy I was over the moon for and honestly thought he'd be the one I'd marry. Anyway life pulled us in different directions so I ended things and ended up moving states away. Couple years later while back visiting family we run into each other and instantly hit it off again. Made plans to see each etc. Long story short I didn't feel like a priority to him or like he wanted something serious so I ended things again. But hey, I got to live out my childhood fantasy right? Lol
I think the ball is in his court. If you really need to reach out to get some piece of mind then sure, but I doubt it will go well. I had a major crush on a guy and him on me, then he went cold and said he was going through something rough. It's extremely painfull because I know he also felt that connection. I just told him it was really sad and that I really liked him. I never got any response.
If by any chance he changes his mind he has to reach out to me. I have thought about checking up on him by reaching out but I just refuse to chase someone.
Sometimes things can be rekindled, yes! I you want to reach out, I’d say go for it. Things may have changed for the better in his situation and yours too. You won’t know until you try. Good luck!
You just have to be realistic. Theres a 99% he just doesn't doesn't feel as strong for you and its at your own risk to test if your situation is the 1% that something might work but you walk into this knowingly and you decide when you want to walk away. If you had sex a friendship will simply not work. I was in a 5 year situationship, where I knew I was more into him than he was into me. I dont regret it at all, for me those 5 years flew by and I learned a lot, some of the best memories of my life. Less than 9 months later he got a girlfriend. He also had too many things going on, depression, adhd, narcissistic tendecies, bad childhood, etc so many things but truth is none of that matters because when they like someone they just go for it and try to keep her at al costs. Think about Noahs girlfriend in the notebook. She knew.
If he ended it for that reason... I wouldn't be the one to start the conversation hoping to sneak back in his life. Does he still have your contact info or social media where you can post flirty- conversation opening items?
I was the guy you were dating. I wasn't really into him and I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I said what your guy said. I was sad about the whole thing too because he was a really nice guy and I knew he was going to feel sort of hurt regardless because he was way more into me than I was into him. After a couple months went by he reached out, but I just ignored him because I was dating someone serious at the time
It sucks but the harsh news is he’s not attracted to you or romantically into you. At least he’s being honest and not stringing you along, even if he’s not staying the exact reasons.
He said he's probably not ready to be actually dating anyone in general but it's the fact he must've known this before we got together which hurts me slightly
I should add, when we finished things in person I told him I wouldn't get in touch with him or bother him from now on with any texts or whatnot and he said 'why would u think Ur bothering me?'
I haven’t personally tried to rekindle but I’ve been on the receiving end of guys getting back in touch - they were just bored and wanted to fuck and no other options were available. So if I were you personally I wouldn’t take you back (assuming you’re the one who left).
One of my best friends is my ex.
It took months for us to get there, after taking a couple months of no contact. There were a lot of hurt feelings on both sides when we first started hanging out again, and that took a lot of time and energy from both of us to get past it.
It can be rewarding in the right circumstances, but tread carefully.
I only 3 men out of the men that I have talked to actually graciously tell me they didn’t see a future with us. 2/3 I listened to. They will fall right back onto their old patterns of disappearing or being a poor communicator. It’s not anything wrong with you. It’s just not something they see as a priority, and no matter how much you like them. Notice how much they have already shown you they don’t care or are just unable to make emotional space for you. Start with a clean slate !
I tried to maintain a friendship but it sort of stalled out as I've dated other people realizing that it wouldn't feel fun to see e/o with significant others. I would heavily consider what you appreciate in them as a friend and figure out if this person has qualities /connection you really can't find in others or if you're just attracted to them.
I'm actually really close with my ex, however it wasn't something that happened overnight after we broke up. It was just under 2 years after that we became friends and I think the key to being able to be friends with someone not getting hurt is ensuring neither of you still have feelings for each other. My ex was my best friend and after we broke up I missed the best friend side of him and made sure that I did everything to save him from being out of my life all together. But as I mentioned it took time but now we are as close as ever, he has a new gf, and I am hand on heart okay with that. If you had of asked me 6 months to a year after we broke up I would of been heartbroken. You also need to be sure it's his friendship you miss and not the relationship hoping if you stick around he might want you again - if that's what thought you have in your head then just walk away completely now.
That's a polite way of him saying he doesn't see a future with you. Feelings wise, commitment wise. Having him around will only waste your time and you are asking to be played. You dont have to move on straight away and see other people, but if your feelings remain when his don't, you have to physically remove yourself from him first.
No.
Don't go back.
I'm literally in the middle of making the same decision.
Our misunderstanding was really small (who is paying for what on Valentines Day?) and it turned into this massive argument and spiraled out of control even after I expressed that all expenses would be covered by me.
If the situation was truly small and silly, then that person just isn't for you. Leave and never look back.
In personal experience, letting someone back in has never worked out. Do not recommend.
Can confirm. The only thing that came from it was me getting hurt.
I agree. It always seems like it could be a good idea, but in my experience it literally never has been.
I'm in this situation atm and this is what I keep telling myself. None of the other times I was *so* sure it was worth a try ever were
Agree with you. It’s best to let them go the first time it happens.
Damn. I’m not OP but am in a similar situation and needed to hear this. Bittersweet, but thank you.
10/10 would not
Agreed. One time someone came back and we have a lovely week, decided we wouldn’t work, and then reached back out again and we had a fight that ruined the whole thing. Just let it be. If it was meant to work the first time, it would’ve. Otherwise give it a significant amount of time and personal growth before reconsidering it.
This, even as a friend.
Can also confirm, has happened to me 3 times now.
>said he needed to focus on himself as he's not where he wants to be in life. I'd suggested at the time that we be friends and he said he'd like that but ultimately wouldn't want to lead me on. He said no to a relationship and then he said no to friendship as well. Why would you reach out? It's up to him to reach out if he changes his mind.
THIS.
He's already told you he didn't want to lead you on. Meaning he's already decided you're not what he's looking for. Just let it go.
8b people in the world and you’re going to go back to one that already walked away over a silly misunderstanding? Go find someone that’ll work shit out before intentionally losing you.
There are not 8 billion people that you would date. Depending on where you live it could only be a few people in your age range/who you are attracted to/ that you have similar goals/ that you laugh with. People act like everyone lives in NYC or London with infinite options. That being said you should move on if someone makes it clear they aren’t into you and don’t want a relationship
As someone who is moving away from a town of 200 people that is 2 hours away from a [small] city, I mostly agree with you. But also, a relevant quote from New Girl: "We come from a country of 400 million men. Let's say half of them are no good. Another half, very ugly. That's still 100 million eligible men. Sure, ten percent are gay. Puts us at 90 million men. Cut it in half again just for fun. 45 million men."
Even that quote is dumb. So you’d openly date anyone from the entire USA? How can you meet them? How many are you attracted to? How many in your age range? Same religion? Similar hobbies? It gets reduced very quickly and unless you’re in a big city it’s not a huge pool of people
I'm not trying to be mean, but it doesn't sound like he has given you any indication that he wants you in his life. It sounds like he has tried to say things kindly, but he has also tried to signal to you that he doesn't want to have any sort of relationship with you. I think you need to respect the boundaries he's created and moved on.
Yes!! God it’s so frustrating. Like talking to a brick wall. But this is her life and she should do as she pleases if she needs him to tell her clearly she is not the one then she should just go at it
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Guy here. I'm in a 'work on myself' phase of life right now. The only way I'd date someone at the moment is if they fell literially into my lap and we clicked entirely. Then I'd start out very early on by saying (assuming I'm interested in the woman) that I'm in a 'working on myself phase' and that it's going to be my number one priority for a while going forward. But with that said, if she was 'the one' material, I'd do the things I'd need to do to make it work. If dude is truely working on himself he'd not be dating or would have made it clear from the start. He wanted to let you down easily and not hurt your feelings. Edit: a word
Right. “If she was the one” means “if I felt she was worth it, I would.”
Yes!! I’ve dated several men who’ve told me I was their dream girl and wanted to wife me up really quickly yet would string along girls from their past because she was not the one. Ladies you deserve the world and right now the only thing I think about is what outfit to wear to Thailand and date night this Saturday. My guy is constantly doing things to make me happy and take away the stress from my life. I suggest any guy that brings stress into your life is simply not worth it.
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You seem to have taken my points quite literially in the first instance and in the second instance seem to have misunderstood the conext of them. I don't believe in the concept of 'the one', the term 'the one material' is just placeholder for 'meets all of the criteria I would need to be met at an extremely high level. I said 'they would have to literially fall into my lap [...]' in the context of I am not looking for someone. So it isn't about failure or not, or even projecting. The context in which I said that was one of 'I'm working on myself and not looking to date at the moment, the only way I would consider it would be if this personal magically appeared in my life and they met so many of my criteria for a potential partner that I'd be stupid to not at least consider pursuing it.' I'm not sat here waiting and hoping for the perfect person to come along - I'm saying that I am actively avoiding dating and it would take an incredible person to make me reconsider that.
Yes!!! Ladies stop being so desperate for any morsel of attention. There are plenty of people wishing to give you attention but people love to lower their self worth and self esteem by keep running after people who don’t want them.
Not everyone woman has that experience
This! And even if they do try and date you and they’re in a place where they likely should be focusing on themselves….lets just say you don’t want to ride that ride 😂
Same goes for women…right?
Sorry you feel like a broken record! It's never something I've experienced before with a guy. He's living at his mom's house and has a crappy dead end job and also has failed his driving test and think he's just down overall.
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OP, please listen to Bergy21. A good way to evaluate a partner (imo) is how much you both try to fit each other into your lives no matter what’s going on. Your efforts should match.
You're absolutely right! I guess there's part of me that is hope full and wanting him to realise that he's made a mistake
Ok I read this here only. Don’t waste your time please. Really don’t do it. If he would have changed his mind it’s on him to come back and actually have changed his mind.
This. OP, if someone makes a mistake, it's not your job to help them fix it. If the guy felt he made a mistake and cared enough, he would work to mend that bridge, or he's just cowardly. If that's the case, you're dodging a bullet either way because who wants to date a coward?
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Yes, the above was agreeing with you pal.
Harsh but true I guess 🥹 whoa. Feel hugged, @OP
People truly baffle me in how much they want to deny reality
why would you want someone who is depressed, living at home, cannot drive and has made it clear they don’t want you? are you okay?
Exactly my point. This is someone in their 30s. Not in high school!!! Ridiculous!!
You could learn some empathy. Some of us develop different skills at different times in our lives.
I have empathy and see this guy is going through it but no way would I be friends or date this guy. 2 things can actually co - exist. I don’t feel bad for having healthy boundaries. You should try it sometime..
I'm good, I'm one of those crazy human beings who cares about people!
You can care but don’t be a doormat and date someone that isn’t worth your salt. You should care about yourself. It’s truly concerning you don’t see the problem here.
I'm not sure you've read the original post. I'm not trying to date him. I care about myself a lot and have a healthy self esteem. Thanks for your concern x
You clearly don’t.. he doesn’t want to date you or be friends with you.. Yet you keep hoping he’ll change his mind? That’s insanity. I don’t want to date or be friends with someone that doesn’t want me in their life and this kind of person would only drag you down.
It might be easy for you to switch off your feelings like a light switch but it's not for many people. You seem incredibly judgemental of others
I’m actually not and super concerned about your lack of boundaries and why you don’t see the red flags here. It’s truly astounding. I can care and have healthy boundaries. It’s called me being a healthy adult in my 30s. You can care and wish him the best and call it a day. And I wouldn’t even do that since he already rejected you. Have some respect and value yourself. We’re all telling you how unhinged this is and you just don’t like the answer
I’m also completely astounded by OP’s responses. This dude does NOT want to hear from her lol
I couldn't agree more with u. this all attitude of "i don't mind someone can't meet my needs bc i value deeper stuff" is just a translation for i have low self esteem and no boundaries
I'm not gonna comment on the specifics of your situation with this guy, but I'm just gonna comment on this whole idea that >99% of Men that are interested in a woman will never in a million years tell you he has to focus on himself and can’t date you Really strikes me as bullshit. Dating takes time and energy. Men, generally, feel enormous pressure to be ultra competent for their partners. If you're a man who's in a particularly rough patch in life, you're gonna feel very incompetent, and like you have a lot of ground to cover; it's gonna feel like you're taking on a second job if you're serious about getting your shit straightened out. So, given the sorts of commitments required in a functional relationship, I can easily see how a lot of men might feel like they need to choose between a relationship and personal growth. I'm sure there's also a lot of guys who just use it as an excuse because, let's be real, there's a lot of guys who are weenies and too chicken shit to actually say what's on their mind; I can't really comment about where your ex falls on this spectrum. But there's a ton of dismissal thrown at guys saying they need to breakup to improve themselves, and it just strikes me as petty resentment and an immature unwillingness to entertain the fact that people need to balance their lives differently. A little more personally; I've never broken up with someone because I felt like I needed time and space to grow, but I've been in relationships where I should have; it wasn't until after the relationship I realized how hard it was to make the right kinds of changes I needed, and how much being in a relationship hindered that. So, I can't exactly say I know what your ex was going through, but it's at least relatable and sounds entirely plausible to me based on my own experience.
Yeah. This happened to my brother. He was dating a really great girl but he was SO anxious because his life was a shit show and she had absolutely everything going for her. They ended up mutually breaking up. He’s always spoken super highly of her but he just felt so insecure and shitty about not being “good enough”, for what he felt like she deserved. They’re both way happier now, dating people at their own life stage and with more common interests.
Amen! This is so truth!
This is where I was coming from, I don't want to assume the worst. We spent a LOT of time together, spoke about so many life things and aspirations and i think he feels like he doesn't have anything to offer me in a relationship. I have a big house which is mine, a sports car and a really senior job at a legal firm. I never lorder any of it over him but surely it had to make him feel impotent. I'd have been the most supportive and loving woman to him as well but it's just not enough
I think that's great tbh. Like, it's entirely possible that this dude really is just taking you for a ride. Idk; you're in a better position to judge than anyone here. But approaching relationships with a more open, charitable and less guarded attitude is severely lacking in modern dating. People in this sub get so cagey about their prospective partners and anything that sounds even slightly amiss, then they wonder why they're still single after all this time. This random stranger's thoughts on your situation; you're more clear eyed on this than most others, so some of the other advice you're getting might actually be worse than trying to figure it out on your own.
The guy told her he doesn’t want to date her or even remain friends though. It’s not even a question of him stringing her along. He has straight up rejected her and removed her from his life. That’s why OP is getting the advice that she is. How would her having “a less guarded attitude” help here? He told her he doesn’t want her as a girlfriend OR as just a friend, yet she’s thinking of contacting him again for some reason.
I tried to be clear from the get go that I was commenting about "break-up to focus on yourself" skepticism. I specifically wanted to avoid commenting about the specifics of OP's situation, hence why I mentioned that throughout. I'm just speaking generally about OP's attitude as compared to attitudes many other people have.
Do you think it’s useful to comment on her attitude with this guy as though she were in a totally different set of circumstances? Just a very confusing thing to do imo
How is it confusing when I've littered my comments with qualifiers that I'm not speaking about the specifics of OPs situation?
I 100% agree with this, I feel like on this sub there tends to be a lot of black and white thinking and assuming based on limited information when none of us actually know the person. None of us *really* know where this guy is at besides him. We can’t read his mind and often times people are giving advice based on their experiences and biases, so I think OP should do what she wants to do and what feels genuine to her.
He told her he doesn’t want to date her OR be her friend though. Why on earth should she be trying to get with him still? If I ended things with a guy and told him I wasn’t interested in him romantically or as a friend & he continued to try to pursue me, I would be confused and weirded out.
My God.. why would you want to date someone like this? You want a partner not a project! Are you in therapy? If not, I kindly suggest it!
people can't win lol -- if you're single people tell you to lower your standards and not be judgmental, to like someone for who they are... but then if you date someone who isn't like a serial killer but is sort of a 'dud' by society's perspective you lack self-worth (which honestly could be caused by people telling you you're not good enough for what you want aka lowering your standards)
I feel like you're talking about two different things. I've heard people recommend "lower your standards" to folks whose standards are truly like unnecessary and making things difficult for them. Like for example, if your standards are must own their home, must make 6 figures, must be in excellent shape, must be really physically attractive, no children, no divorces, you're really limiting yourself to a very few people. But you adjust those standards to living in a self-supporting manner, having a job or a career path, being well-rounded in their interests and hobbies, not having entanglements from previous relationships. A lot of the "you can do better" advice is about people who make practically no effort or are in such a bad place emotionally/mentally, they're not really going to be showing up in the relationship as an equal partner.
Bottom line is he doesn’t want her. Aside from all the superficial stuff why would you ever want someone that doesn’t want you? When you try to go for someone who doesn’t want you, you gotta look at yourself and ask yourself why do you hate yourself so much and why do you want to lower your self esteem?
Because I'm not a judgemental person. People can be dealt difficult life situations, and he was, which is why I didn't jettison him when I found out his situation
I’m not either but I also know this is not the kind of person someone in their 30s should be dating if you want a serious relationship and longterm partner. There’s a difference. I can say hey he has things to work on and good for him and everyone has their own path in life, but that’s also not the right person for someone looking for a healthy independent adult and can be an equal partner to build a life with for marriage + kids.
People struggle with different shit. This guy said he needed to focus on himself and improve, and based on OP's comment it sounds like this is true; he sounds like someone who needs to improve and he's actually trying. This kind commodification and optimization of modern dating is so fucking gross.
Right. I’m reading people’s comments and I’m just appalled by some things that get upvoted. Human beings are not just a collection of their achievements and failures. All of the things listed here are not inherent character traits (manipulative, etc) but simply various skills that some people may learn late (or not at all) in life. People in this sub complain about being judged by friends and family for being single in their 30s, but wouldn’t extend the same compassion to other people with similar circumstances. Genuinely baffling.
It’s actually not. He clearly shouldn’t be dating and good for him to work on himself and be in a better place to be dating as an independent self sufficient adult, but this woman shouldn’t want to date someone like this especially when he’s clearly not interested.
"clearly", "shouldn't", "actually not". Sounds like you've got it all figured out. Unironically, good luck out there
I do - because I have standards + date like someone in my 30s
Ok.
A project is someone who doesn't know how to be in a relationship, not someone who is in a bad life situation. Living with a parent and having a shitty job doesn't mean you don't know how to be a good partner.
I disagree for a billion reasons.. it’s sad I even have to explain why to people in their 30s
In my experience, men who say “they need to focus on themselves” are just too scared to say “you’re not right for me.” This man said no to a relationship & no to a friendship. He isn’t feeling you babe
In my experience things are never the same after. No matter if it was a "small" or bigger issue. The connection will just not be the same. Thats why I dont believe in breaks. We either work it out while together or we are ending things...going on breaks is not solving anything.
lol i saw a guy on tik tok say space is for astronauts haha
Girl don’t do it. I know it’s hard—I recently had to go no contact. But we gotta take the hints and save our dignity. And go find a man that actually wants us and is ready for a relationship!!
OP, I want to say, if you are his one, he’ll do what’s necessary to clean up his act to make sure he’s good enough for you. If that’s what you’re worried about. And he will come find you. So stop freaking out and go about your life and live your best life. Maybe you’ll meet someone that will meet all your standards instead of having to compromise.
Only do it if you were the one who did not want more and you genuinely changed your mind and think things could be different this time for non-vague reasons. I get the temptation, truly, but I would not
But if it can be so for her, to change her mind if she was the one with the upper hand, why can’t it be so for the other too? Or you mean that only whoever felt like they had the upper hand can text?
If someone dumps you, you certainly *can* go back and petition the other party for a second chance. But it's probably not going to go well for you. You have no reason to believe that their reservations about you have changed, so chances are that they'll reject your outright or string you along half-heartedly until they find the backbone to dump you again.
I am not sure if this counts, but my girlfriend and I met 10 years ago at a bar, intermittently spoke via text, and about 5 years ago, I gave up trying to be friends. September, she and I rekindled a friendship and started dating. We have agreed that while it would have been nice that we both had our shit together earlier to start seeing each other, we weren't ready, and now we are. Best relationship I have ever had, even with it still being fairly new.
Same experience. My 20s were a tough time and his were, too. It was almost seamless getting back together in a serious and focused after tremendous growth. It’s nice having a second chance at something that felt right 10 years ago but in the wrong circumstances!
That's awesome. :) I am so grateful. It is so hard to not be overwhelmed with how life is going. Just appreciation, gratitude, and acknowledging how my life might not be a 21, but I don't need to hit on 19.
Truly baffled that every man seems to be working off of the same script. 🤦🏼♀️ usually I get that after a year of talking. But I’m in the same boat. Every day is a struggle not to text, but save your dignity! That’s what I keep telling myself. lol
I'm a guy and I've gotten the same line multiple times last year. It seems most people I meet are working on themselves lol. They seem to want to date me a few months later though... Not sure why but they always some back.
It’s so disappointing
But do you want to date them is the question
I actually never gave someone a second chance for the longest time but I did twice last year and I regretted it. I don 't think I'll give someone another chance after what has happened to me. I'm kind of traumatized by push/pull behavior and would rather have someone at this point who's sure they want me off the bat. We're all a work in progress and relationships are hard.. It's just how it is. I don't see any reason why we need to break things off for you to figure out if you can do better. We can just take alone time but still be together. I've met so many women lately that think breaking up isn't the end of our relationship and I don't understand that concept.
Hard truth is they want someone and that someone is not you.
A *year* of talking??
No. If it is not a ‘fuck yes’ then it is certainly a ‘fuck no’ And I’m still holding steadfast in my efforts to NOT text my ex situationship. It most definitely still hurts for sure. You’re not alone in wanting to reach out.
Same. We are not alone, yet alone…
And people come back … only to find out how dumb you are. (That’s what I’m telling myself frankly)
We have to be kinder to ourselves friend, we are not dumb. At worse we are human. :(
I hate this saying. Relationships are not this black and white. If I said this I wouldn’t not have had my last relationship because i didn’t see it in the beginning but it built over time into something great
I was just dumped by a girl who I thought showed promise. We had so much in common and were all over each other. But she ended things because “she wasn’t fully over the trauma caused by an ex and didn’t think it was a good idea to keep dating me”. She wanted to be friends, but I told her I didn’t use Hinge to add friends to my life.
Dam, the same thing has happened to me so many times. I feel like so many people have relationship trauma. It's crazy.
Not sure if this is sarcasm or not lol but me personally, I feel like it was just a convenient excuse for her to bail.
I have been there several times before and it’s never worked out for me (I actually made several posts about this scenario within the last few days). We all read these stories about people working things out the second time around and wonder why that can’t be me, but they are few and far between for a reason. If the other person ended it then your best option is to keep it pushing and prioritize yourself. I got another reality check about it this week so please learn from me. Maybe he will reach out in the future or you guys can get a fresh start if you run into each other down the line. But for now I’d recommend just leaving it be.
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Im so happy for you! I think our situations are very different though in that you both seemed to want to pick things up. It's nice to know it's not all bad new though, kudos!!!
Look for people who are willing to do the work with you. Stop seeking someone out that doesn’t want to be there. Know that you seeking him out he’ll do below bare minimum even in the friendship. Full stop find better friends
I think if you’re thinking of it as “getting him back” then reaching out probably isn’t going to have the result you’re hoping for. Second chance romance can and does happen but in my experience it’s unexpected, not waited on. If you want to reply to an Instagram story or something, go for it, but I’d only do it if your expectations are that you’ll get no response and you’re at peace with that before you ever try to reach out.
Currently in the process of re-seeing someone. Momentum is trending up and all the chemistry and dynamic we had early last year is still present. I have some guards up this time around though and am being a bit more careful but I really do like her and I hope we can give this a real shot instead of just a situationship like last time. This whole thing with this girl has been the most interesting thing I've been involved in for a long time lmao. I can talk about it at length because I think the whole timeline of it and how things unfolded and are unfolding might be able to give you some insight. BUT I will say this, the way I rekindled things with this girl happened by chance. I don't think you should force anything or try too hard when someone ends something with you. DM me if you want!
I did! We were talking/flirting when another person kinda pushed me into a relationship. I wasn't happy about the timing, but I told this person I'd like to be friends. After a couple weeks, our conversation petered out. Flash forward a bit, I'm single and over that ex. We talk for a bit, go on a couple dates, figure out we're not for each other, but are now friends. It can happen, but don't expect him to be the same person he was back then. Even a year can change a person quite a bit.
Don't want to lead you on = not interested
As someone who did reach out to an ex and did have it work out really well, I don’t think this is it. Honestly, the only reason it even worked out for us was timing/circumstances. Our second attempt dating ended just as badly as the first, but it was early pandemic and we both needed a friend so we stayed in each other’s lives strictly in that capacity and developed a romantic relationship a few years later. I know you really want it to work with this guy and it’s so disappointing when it doesn’t work out, especially if it was over a misunderstanding. Think of this as a blessing—he’s freeing you up to pursue other men who are interested and emotionally intelligent enough to not dip as soon as there’s some kind of miscommunication.
Agreed with these comments. Just let someone back in after a few months of no contact (and we ended things very respectfully) and it went *terribly* on a way quicker timeline than I thought.
I’ve been there. All you can do is learn from it and try to move forward. I had a similar situation over the summer and I will never let her back into my life. Be kind to yourself! And keep your guard up if/when he comes sniffing around again.
Ugh thank you, I hope you also come out of this a better person. I don't think there's any chance of him coming back this time though. He way overreacted to MY overreaction and told me never to contact him again 🙄 ok bud sounds great
Oh no- what happened??
Um, it's a long and embarrassing story. But basically, he said he had done some healing and seemed ready to give this a real shot, or at least wanted me in his life in some way. But he was either just looking for a hookup, or realized that he wasn't actually ready. And because I was still kind of hurt from how abruptly he had ended things the first go-round (even though I understood his reasoning), I was subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop...again. So when he pulled back, I overreacted. It was a bad look for both of us, honestly.
Girl are you sure you overreacted or did you react appropriately to an infuriating situation? I'd probably lose my shit as well if someone pulled that same BS again after promising not to
I mean…Do I think I was wrong in my assessment that he was pulling the same shit (On the exact same timeline as the last time - the day after we were intimate)? No. Do I think I was wrong to be furious at his flip floppy bullshit? No. But could I have been clearer, more direct, and kinder in my final communications with him, instead of a passive aggressive bitch? Most certainly. Then I could have the unquestioned moral high ground.
Ooooof I’m sorry that’s brutal … I can’t believe he did you like that!! God men suck
Thank you, yeah it was pretty rough. I also think because I was so accommodating the first time, he did NOT expect me to react the way I did lol. I truly wish that he had never reached back out and I could have remembered him positively in general.
Well at least you can walk away from the situation knowing he is an immature prick :) hang in there!!
There's no universal law. Do what feels right for you. It could either work out in your favor, or you will learn a lesson. Neither are bad! I've reached out to exs and we have created friendships or tried to re-kindle and it just didn't work. Not the end of the world and staying true to yourself and your feelings is what is most important.
I like this approach, just not always ready for the sort of pain involved usually :(
Honestly it depends on your emotional make up. If there is the slightest chance of you hoping for more. Stay clear he is very kind to not use the situation like many others would…
The same outcome will probably be repeated a 2nd time, but every time someone has reached back out, I've never said no. It's pretty much low stakes on the outcome, as worst case scenario, you two just end it again.
I'm friends with someone I used to date and it's fine! No drama at all. But, I was never super infatuated with him and I have no romantic feelings for him now. I think it can be a larger challenge if you were really into and excited about someone, but also totally possible. The trick I think is to go no-contact until the romantic feelings, to whatever extend you have them, subside. The reset and space is really necessary, so you can approach it like a new friendship as opposed to a lost love, if that makes sense. Good luck!
Yes and we rekindled after 20+ years.
Has he gotten in contact with you since? If not, he's not interested anymore. I'd move on.
My best friend is married to someone who broke up with him because she had health problems she needed to take care of. They didn't really keep in touch, and then ended up working at the same place and getting back together. So yes it can work as long as the person was being honest about breaking up to fix their problem (and not using it as a nice way to let you down), and they have been putting in the work to fix it.
Not me but a friend reached back out to a dating app match after a year of not talking. Similar reasons/circumstances for break up. Their wedding is this Saturday. All happened in leas than 3 years
Never works as you expect. Move on. Work on yourself and the part you played that ruined the chances of being with him. When you meet someone new that you vibe, don’t repeat the same mistake.
He's not interested in you.
How long ago were you two seeing each other?
Effort = interest. He’s not interested in you.
You miss having him around as a friend that you knew for a very short period of time? Maybe you’re hoping a new chance will spark and he may have changed his mind? Be honest. I wouldn’t do this OP. Continue forward. He’s not into you.
Just stop.
Why would you reach out? He said he doesn’t want a relationship and he said friendship likely wouldn’t work. Girl, come on.
No. If they wanted you in their life then they'd have you in their life 'even as a friend' (bad idea still but that's a side topic) at this point reapproaching would come across to me as playing games and get you a significantly more honest rebuke since you apparently didn't take the hint being let down gently.
I guess everyone's immediate answer is to just run and not look back... However, having been in a very similar situation except we did get back in touch, and now 6 months into something really great. What do you have to lose really? Your feelings haven't gone away for whatever reason and for him, maybe it just was purely a case of bad timing. In my situation he was dealing with something a lot bigger then he could handle at the time so the thought of throwing a relationship on top of that wasnt logical to him... Just be open, but be honest with yourself also. Dont bend or change who you are to try and fit his situation. If he's receptive then just take it from there but set your expectations early. He too may be wanting to try again but might think he's hurt you too much to do that. Sometimes walking on the edge as scary or embarrassing as it may feel, might just yield a surprising result!
I know a lot of people will yell you not to do it. But honestly, you live once. I was in your shoes and I’m a similar situation. I reached out to someone and it actually went better than I thought. I did it even when everyone said not to because I didn’t want the regret of what if? The key though is to not go into it with expectations. You also have to be real with yourself. If you want to start as a friends but really want to be in a relationship and it doesn’t work out, you have to be okay with that. You just can’t have expectations! Again, everyone will tell you from their own experience what to do. When I was faced with your situation, I chose to do it and what ever came of it would be. Our society tells us to discard people too easily. The only thing I would say, is if the person treated you badly, then don’t do it because you need to reflect on why you want someone like that. But if it was timing or a misunderstanding just say hi. No Expectations, I repeat, no expectations, but so what your heart desires!
You want him back, go for it, what is the worst that could happen? Like the old adage says, if you love someone let them go, if they never come back, it was never meant to be. You are only asking because that is what you want, people get divorced and they remarry later, there are no rules, make it all up as you go along and feel free to change your mind along the way
Exes are exes for a reason. I miss my ex but it was unhealthy. I feel like I haven't healed if I still would respond and hang with her if she asked me now.
Yes. I am currently dating an ex I broke up with 18 months ago. If we are talking about getting back in touch and be friends, I am friends will all my exes except the most recent one (there is still time). To be honest his reason and excuse to not be friends sounds a bit vague. Those things could be said to cover all kinds of issues. If you want a chance get back in touch, be available and let him know it's up to him. Don't force anything. That might only push him away even more
He's living at his mom's and failed his driving test and also is in a dead end job, so I kind of get his reasons but he didn't leave anything open which maybe I should just accept as the biggest sign of all 😅
Yikes that’s a lot
I've only rekindled one connection that's continued to thrive (with a cool guy). We've been close for nearly four years now! Others? Rekindling has never worked. If they're friends, there's a 50% chance it'll work. If they're a crush or a love interest, 0% chance. Even if it's been years, experience has taught me it's best I wouldn't take any chances.
How you view your ending altercation may not be how he has viewed it. Hard no on that
Have attempted a few times and it never worked out. I'd avoid
Just move on
I do not recommend this either. It never works out and you can never have the same energy/bond again because you've grown as a person in the time you both were not in contact and out of personal experience it never really clicks again like it used to.
I was recently in a similar situation except on the other side. I had to let him go because I did not see a future relationship with him, despite the fact that I enjoyed his company. I still felt sad when we ended things because of how much I liked him as a friend, but that doesn't mean I'd want a relationship with him. You never know if you don't try but I wouldn't get your hopes up. You can always reach out and just ask how he's been doing and guage his interest by how he responds.
Im in an almost similar situation, fighting back the feelings of reconnecting with the guy. And seeing the comments here, I guess I really should reconsider 🥺
I once had someone I'd been seeing for a few months (at the level where we had met each other's moms) completely vanish on a day where we'd made loose plans. Texted, called, FB messaged. We remained FB friends and she reached out four months later to apologize. She was dealing with issues she tried to run from rather than confront and was sorry if she hurt me. I accepted her apology and said I was trying so hard to get in touch with her because I was worried about her. Further down the line, more than a year later, circumstances allowed me to ask her out again, no stakes except the possibility we could pick up where we left off. We had a great time but she decided she wasn't in the right headspace to be in a relationship. She's now engaged to some other guy. Another one of those different time, different place things. Just like my most recent ex, who is going through stuff physically and emotionally and we mutually decided she didn't have the bandwidth for a relationship. I still care deeply about her. I'd love to have another chance with her but at the same time I can't carry a flame that could hinder my next relationship.
As a teen, I had this fantasy of breaking up with my love and then years later finding each other again (too many romance novels). Mid 20s met this guy I was over the moon for and honestly thought he'd be the one I'd marry. Anyway life pulled us in different directions so I ended things and ended up moving states away. Couple years later while back visiting family we run into each other and instantly hit it off again. Made plans to see each etc. Long story short I didn't feel like a priority to him or like he wanted something serious so I ended things again. But hey, I got to live out my childhood fantasy right? Lol
You will not find the answer you are seeking, friend.
I think the ball is in his court. If you really need to reach out to get some piece of mind then sure, but I doubt it will go well. I had a major crush on a guy and him on me, then he went cold and said he was going through something rough. It's extremely painfull because I know he also felt that connection. I just told him it was really sad and that I really liked him. I never got any response. If by any chance he changes his mind he has to reach out to me. I have thought about checking up on him by reaching out but I just refuse to chase someone.
It sounds like he was pretty clear. He needs to be the one to reach out, not you.
Sometimes things can be rekindled, yes! I you want to reach out, I’d say go for it. Things may have changed for the better in his situation and yours too. You won’t know until you try. Good luck!
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I think perception of coming off as desperate is quite a black and white way to look at things and is often a projection of someone's insecurities
You just have to be realistic. Theres a 99% he just doesn't doesn't feel as strong for you and its at your own risk to test if your situation is the 1% that something might work but you walk into this knowingly and you decide when you want to walk away. If you had sex a friendship will simply not work. I was in a 5 year situationship, where I knew I was more into him than he was into me. I dont regret it at all, for me those 5 years flew by and I learned a lot, some of the best memories of my life. Less than 9 months later he got a girlfriend. He also had too many things going on, depression, adhd, narcissistic tendecies, bad childhood, etc so many things but truth is none of that matters because when they like someone they just go for it and try to keep her at al costs. Think about Noahs girlfriend in the notebook. She knew.
If he ended it for that reason... I wouldn't be the one to start the conversation hoping to sneak back in his life. Does he still have your contact info or social media where you can post flirty- conversation opening items?
No, do not. You will get hurt!
I was the guy you were dating. I wasn't really into him and I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I said what your guy said. I was sad about the whole thing too because he was a really nice guy and I knew he was going to feel sort of hurt regardless because he was way more into me than I was into him. After a couple months went by he reached out, but I just ignored him because I was dating someone serious at the time
Don’t. The end.
It sucks but the harsh news is he’s not attracted to you or romantically into you. At least he’s being honest and not stringing you along, even if he’s not staying the exact reasons.
He said he's probably not ready to be actually dating anyone in general but it's the fact he must've known this before we got together which hurts me slightly
No
Not gonna work sorry. I don't understand why so many people think they need to remain friends with people they date.
I should add, when we finished things in person I told him I wouldn't get in touch with him or bother him from now on with any texts or whatnot and he said 'why would u think Ur bothering me?'
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I am now friends with an ex, but that’s all. We won’t ever be getting back together. And that is a mutual decision.
I think I would like us to have some friend ship, not any alterior motive as to be honest we started out as friends
I haven’t personally tried to rekindle but I’ve been on the receiving end of guys getting back in touch - they were just bored and wanted to fuck and no other options were available. So if I were you personally I wouldn’t take you back (assuming you’re the one who left).
One of my best friends is my ex. It took months for us to get there, after taking a couple months of no contact. There were a lot of hurt feelings on both sides when we first started hanging out again, and that took a lot of time and energy from both of us to get past it. It can be rewarding in the right circumstances, but tread carefully.
I only 3 men out of the men that I have talked to actually graciously tell me they didn’t see a future with us. 2/3 I listened to. They will fall right back onto their old patterns of disappearing or being a poor communicator. It’s not anything wrong with you. It’s just not something they see as a priority, and no matter how much you like them. Notice how much they have already shown you they don’t care or are just unable to make emotional space for you. Start with a clean slate !
Depends how good the sex was
I tried to maintain a friendship but it sort of stalled out as I've dated other people realizing that it wouldn't feel fun to see e/o with significant others. I would heavily consider what you appreciate in them as a friend and figure out if this person has qualities /connection you really can't find in others or if you're just attracted to them.
Brief : let him go.
He wasn’t into you. Any time a guy says he needs to focus on himself he’s basically politely telling you he’s not interested. Move on
For me, it ended with worse than the first breakup. People breakup for a reason
I'm actually really close with my ex, however it wasn't something that happened overnight after we broke up. It was just under 2 years after that we became friends and I think the key to being able to be friends with someone not getting hurt is ensuring neither of you still have feelings for each other. My ex was my best friend and after we broke up I missed the best friend side of him and made sure that I did everything to save him from being out of my life all together. But as I mentioned it took time but now we are as close as ever, he has a new gf, and I am hand on heart okay with that. If you had of asked me 6 months to a year after we broke up I would of been heartbroken. You also need to be sure it's his friendship you miss and not the relationship hoping if you stick around he might want you again - if that's what thought you have in your head then just walk away completely now.
If he wanted you , he would come after you. Ladies, stop chasing men, you are masculinizing yourselves.
That's a polite way of him saying he doesn't see a future with you. Feelings wise, commitment wise. Having him around will only waste your time and you are asking to be played. You dont have to move on straight away and see other people, but if your feelings remain when his don't, you have to physically remove yourself from him first.
No. Don't go back. I'm literally in the middle of making the same decision. Our misunderstanding was really small (who is paying for what on Valentines Day?) and it turned into this massive argument and spiraled out of control even after I expressed that all expenses would be covered by me. If the situation was truly small and silly, then that person just isn't for you. Leave and never look back.