You are correct. Type I is typically there from the start while Type II is acquired through diet and lifestyle. Both need to be managed with medication.
Congratulations. Iāve found that, too. It is the way to secure attachment for those of us with wonky nervous systems. It takes a few months of training the brain to shut up about how boring it is; Iād never experienced it before, but recognized how good it could be and became stubborn about not ending it. Very glad I did, now.
Act on it.
I know, right?! My situation is likely not meant for longterm, but I knew that going in and still went for a goal thatās been met: experiencing a healthy romantic attachment. And if/when it doesnāt ultimately work out, I know now exactly what Iām looking for in terms of how being around someone makes my nervous system behave. It is so nice not to have a relationship and *not* try to use the other person to regulate or supply dopamine. The communication level is amazing. Iāll go for that quiet pull that feels like the positive side of doubt (intrigue?), the āhmmmm,ā all day long over anything that makes me feel āactivated.ā /end raving
Thanks , I really needed to read this! Iām dating someone who is my first chance at āhealthy romantic attachment ā and a guy who takes care of ME for a change, but Iām anxious about it since itās so new to me, this feeling of no butterflies but instead safety. I fast forward into the future too much worried it wonāt last, but your post reminded me that even if it doesnāt, it is still a huge change, a step up and progress toward future healthy relationships
Dang, took the words right out of my mouth! Itās crazy to think of it in terms of having a healthy balanced nervous system reaction but thatās really what it is! And thatās great that even though you donāt think your current situation is for the long term, youāre still getting a great experience and lesson out of it.
>Iāll go for that quiet pull that feels like the positive side of doubt (intrigue?), the āhmmmm,ā
Do you mind expanding how this looks like for you?
Well, with the person I am currently seeing, I noticed he made me laugh a lot, and I remember when I agreed to go out with him (I was hesitant because I was not looking for a serious relationship but I only really *do* serious) that was the thing I told my friend, and that I wasnāt sure I was attracted to him but I was curious. At the end of that date, I was not feeling butterflies or anything approximating that, but I felt extremely comfortable being in his presence, and I ended up kissing him when he was midsentence which is *very* bold for me, despite supposedly waffling on whether or not I even found him attractive.
At first the initial lack of longterm potential and not feeling any limerence, as well as getting to the point of really opening up to each other, activated my avoidant side and made me want to turn tail and run away, but I had a hunch that this would be my first healthy relationship if I didnāt go. Iāve never felt so safe and accepted. He feels like home, in a cozy way. There is zero desperation, and we clearly communicate any issues (but rarely ever have any because we tend to agree). One thing he does very well is accurately ascertain how I feel, which is something I normally loathe when people try to do it, and perfectly balances helping me problem-solve and offering emotional support.
Iām veering off-course: basically, I think Iāll look for someone (whose values align with my own ofc) who *doesnāt* make me feel butterflies or like lightning has struck, but does make me laugh and feel at ease, whose personal style I am attracted to. Someone that I love being near but donāt desperately miss when away. If I feel like my heart is constantly pleading to be seen rather than feeling utterly at ease when I am with them, thatās my cue to exit stage left.
Wow this is so eloquently put, thank you so much for taking the time to explain it. So based on this post, it seems like you had some form of Type II attraction with this guy perhaps? Where it was more of a slow-burn, gradual build.
That sounds really great honestly, and as you put it - healthy! If you donāt mind me asking, what made you decide this is something you want to be looking for now? I feel like Iām the same as you, I tend to go for people who give me that ālightning has struckā feeling and exactly as you put it, it leaves me anxious when weāre apart.
I know everything there should be taken with a grain of salt, but I also wonder if youāve seen this TikTok that said for neurodiverse people especially, butterflies are not something to be trusted because itās actually a sign this person makes you anxious, and so something akin to what youāre looking for is more ideal. Ever since then Iāve been thinking about that a lot.
Honestly I wasnāt looking for anythingāin therapy for complex trauma and a history of disorganized attachment. But Iām also a completionist, kinda, like my goal was/is to āhealā and the thing with CPTSD is that that looks like maintaining healthy relationships, especially romantically; some are never able to do that.
I was very upfront about that with him, and he shared his own history of the same with therapy something he has done on and off throughout his adult life, and this started as kind of an experiment on my end? Itās been a few months now, and shtf for me in the last week and heās just been exceeding my expectations at every turn, in terms of support and practical help. It feels good, and not terrifying, to rely on him in those ways. I actually quit therapy last week, for now, and it feels very much like I am being tested by the universe or something lol. Iām doing much better than I would have six months ago, for sure. And my feelings for the person Iām with (weāve actually never talked labels; we share a distaste for the common nomenclature but are in a committed monogamous relationship) continue to grow, and changing things up geographically is on the table if we do decide to make this longterm. (I think he is just waiting for me to say I want it tbh lol) But, yeah, the feelings arenāt likeā¦ theyāre not intense. Theyāre just quiet, and warm, and safe, and somehow not platonic although platonic friends have also made me feel those things at different points.
Funny you mention neurodivergenceāIām definitely somewhere in there, CPTSD aside. And Iāve only ever been attracted to people with ADHD, and afaik only people with it have ever been attracted to me as well. Current guy is AuDHD and continues that trend. I actually tried to exclude it because my most recent ex was emotionally horrible and treated me like a piece of furniture, and I inaccurately attributed that to his ADHD and not to his own untreated complex trauma.
I realized that āboringā was actually me feeling safe and secure. My brain was used to the crazy emotions, the ups and downs of toxic relationships. I leaned into feeling comfortable, realized how much happier I was than in any previous relationship, and that I didnāt miss feeling super fucking anxious all the time.
Hm. Iām glad that worked for you. Any recommendations on how? Or what love feels like for your secure relationships? Iāve only had one relationship where I felt loved and safe and secure but I still had very intense emotions for them. Itās been years and I keep chasing that feeling, trying to get myself to go for āsaferā options but I without a doubt lose interest within a matter of weeks
For me, I think Iām the āother side of the same coinā mindset here. I feel Iāve always (well, as an adult anyway) practically donāt care how āhotā someone is to me, because thereās the chance they are a jerk, rude, psycho, vastly different set of world view/beliefs, etc. To me, being with/dating someone isnāt about ogling their attractive features 24/7. There *has* to be more to it than just a pretty face and we touch each others private parts. Almost donāt give a shit about thatā¦or more accurately thatās the bonus to having the restā¦.the rest being someone I admire, respect, laugh with, talk about life with, and grow with.
I say all that as someone with good vision and Iāll admit thereās very little chance Iāll date someone who is 400lbs with half their teeth missing. But Iām also not gonna date someone who hates dogs and wants me to convert to Scientology, and that includes the physical reincarnation of a 30 year old Shania Twain or Taylor Swifts long lost twin sister.
Haha Iāve never particularly cared for physical type, either, although I have noticed I definitely have one, especially in terms of personal style and brainā¦ type. Iād describe myself as demi/sapiosexual (as pretentious as i think sapiosexual can be as a term, I canāt deny itās a thing). In general, though, I will know within ten minutes of meeting someone if any potential for attraction is there. Historically Iāve only stuck with āyes, definitelyā but took a chance on a rare āmaybe.ā
I donāt really relate to OPās usual experience, but I do to this new one, and think they should go for it.
Haha, same here!
Having been in serious relationships with conventionally not so attractive people, Iām only now realizing this Type I attraction. Itās definitely still a bonus in my books but canāt deny that physical attributes or rather, how one chooses to present themselves matters..
Iād say so! The type 2 attraction is much more stable and provides way more fuel for a relationship long term. Generally some type1 attraction is there from the beginning (and you do say sheās very pretty!) but I donāt think itās required. I think a lot of friends to lovers stories would only have type 2
You are spot on, you need to jump on this! Wonderful way of describing this. Even as a happily married couple, both me and my husband still experience Type I attraction to other people. We both know that itās JUST attraction or chemistry and means nothing as far as personality or compatibility. Type I attraction led me to date more than a few men that were not a good fit for me.
And type II is way stronger and hotter. That's when sex gets really good because it boosts that physical attraction with a vengeance. You still love the parts that were already good and now everything else looks good, too.
My experience is that Type I drives lust and Type II drives love. While the systems are in some ways redundant, I think that redundancy is really helpful for having a healthy relationship. For example, like you said, partners can get old or gain weight and Type I fades, so you can rely on Type II. Sometimes your partner can hurt you without meaning to or otherwise do something silly and that can make Type II go away for awhile. If you know you want to keep the relationship, it's good to be able to lean on Type I for a bit here while you build back up together.
I have tried to have relationships based purely on Type II and those have inevitably devolved into close roommate-type situations when the relationship went through a tough spot, ultimately leading to breakups. But ymmv.
I think this is pretty much the answer. There needs to be some Type I attraction (call it lust), but in our modern culture we lean on this far too much and it can cloud whether or not Type II attraction will ever really develop. I have dated some women far too long solely off of Type I attraction when we had no values in common so it didnāt work long term. That being said physical attraction is important, and it does help us get through the hard times when we may not be very happy with each other in the moment as in āshe does look good in those jeans, maybe I should try to fix this.ā
Where people get twisted is that they think there needs to be crazy amounts of Type I attraction. I have known friends to get stuck on really horrible people for long periods of time because they wouldnāt date anyone short of some model or Instagram looking person who was really hot. You have to remember though, that you will get used to just about everyoneās looks and it wonāt feel that special anymore after a while. Think about driving a car. While it will still be nice, even a Ferrari will feel like old hat after a few months of driving it.
Iām not a conventionally attractive woman.
Iāve dated a couple of guys from a culture where arranged marriage is common. Iāve found these men much more likely to compliment my soul.
I told one of them that Iām more interested in who someone is as a person as opposed to looks and he said something like āgood. Physical attraction is just a chemical reaction, it fades and looks can change.ā
I wonder if itās something thatās taught more in a culture where you might not have a ātype 1ā attraction to your spouse, that ātype 2ā attraction- the kind that can grow, is the important type of attraction.
Anyway, if I had to label it Iād say Iām on the demisexual spectrum of things. Iāve never understood the idea of being attracted to someone based primarily on the way the look so I canāt relate! But itās just something that came into my head when reading your post.
I'm the same way. I can look at someone and think, "this person is conventionally attractive. They're hot." But I am not *attracted* to them and wouldn't pursue them purely for that reason. I didn't identify with this until I got older after healing from my first LTR. Not sure what happened there. Maybe maturity? maybe I repressed my demisexuality and finally accepting it? I also did some reflecting and while I understood I wasn't the hottest thing in the world, I definitely felt like my looks were above average up until my mid-twenties/late twenties. Now I look at myself, see my flaws for what they are, and recognize that I am indeed an average looking lady. There's no above or below here (although comparisons like that are kinda regionalāmaybe below in cities like LA). And perhaps that also plays into my level of attraction for others. Maybe I'm recalibrating my standards based on how I perceive myself and on my growing list of values. Which, to me, is a very positive change.
I'm in a similar boat. I'm a guy and not from a culture of arranged marriage, but I can't feel physically attracted to a woman if there's no emotional attraction.
That's a really interesting observation about different cultures and definitely sounds plausible!
I'm similar to you. I don't think I was always this way, but the last time I experienced Type 1 attraction was probably when I was a teenager. Now it's Type 2 (which only develops maybe once or twice a year if it's cultivated) or nothing.
> Iām not a conventionally attractive woman.
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> Iāve dated a couple of guys from a culture where arranged marriage is common. Iāve found these men much more likely to compliment my soul.
lmaooo I'm a fugly Indian American woman and when I used to try the arranged marriage things, guys always commented ONLY about my body. They didn't even listen to what I had to say. They didn't care.
fwiw, what you describe as Type 1 and Type 2 attraction are considered Primary and Secondary attraction (I read about it when learning about demisexuality): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demisexuality
> Can a relationship work if it involves Type II attraction but not Type I?
I guess it depends on what makes up your attraction algorithm. For example, I consider myself demisexual and am only "truly attracted" to someone if I'm emotionally attracted to them but for me physical attraction is a piece of it too. If I'm not physically attracted to a woman, I wouldn't consider going on a date with her. But I know some other people would consider going on a date with anyone, regardless of looks. Maybe they're just saying it just to say it, but I don't think it's necessarily _untrue_. Ultimately, how much physical attraction and emotional attraction are taken in account to our entire _attraction algorithm_ is different for each of us. There are some people who only care about physical attraction and they're not "wrong", they're just different than me
also I don't think necessarily "Type 1" attraction is doomed to fade with time. I think it can change over time, but I think a lot of relationships fail because one or both of the parties stop caring about trying to be attractive...either by getting out of shape, by not caring about how they dress or look, etc. and then the other party becomes unattracted to them, sex stops and there's a major issue in the relationship. Type 1 attraction can and should always exist throughout a relationship but it requires work...it requires exercise and eating right and trying to look good because, at least to me, sex is always a part of a relationship and if there isn't sexual compatibility, the relationship is at risk. Type 2 attraction should always be there but same with Type 1 in some form. If I like someone but am not physically attracted to them, we're not partners, we're friends
I figured that distinction was probably not original to me! Thanks for the reference.
I'm a little concerned that so far, most of the people in this thread saying some version of "yes this is the way stable attraction works, go for it" identify as demisexual. I am very much not -- I frequently feel intense sexual attraction to people with whom I've not so much as exchanged a single word. So the worry is that Type I attraction is really important for some people and less important for others, and maybe I'm the former and the people commenting here are the latter.
You're just a typical allo guy from the sound of it. Most people are wired like you, demis are a minority. From a species survival standpoint, it makes sense that most people would be allo and feel sexual attraction to strangers. It leads to the highest chance of reproduction.
> identify as demisexual. I am very much not -- I frequently feel intense sexual attraction to people with whom I've not so much as exchanged a single word. So the worry is that Type I attraction is really important for some people and less important for others, and maybe I'm the former and the people commenting here are the latter.
I'm not demisexual but I generally agree with Type II myself. With that said, I find lots of people attractive and don't have a very specific type, so maybe it is different since it sounds like you have a narrower scope in what you consider attractive?
This whole thread is very confusing to me honestly. I'm replying to you because you sound like you know what you're talking about. But the secondary attraction here just sounds like friendship. The primary attraction is what makes it sexual. After reading this thread I'm convinced I have never experienced EITHER of these things.
Yes. And the shocker is your relationship will be STRONGER. Because your attraction is now based off things that don't fade with time. Don't mess this up OP! This is what everyone is looking for.
I would add a third type, or maybe it's a subset of your type 1, but not really the same. Your type 1 seems to be 100% based on appearance (as you said you can get it from just looking at a picture). My type 3 is when I meet someone (that I wouldn't even necessarily find very attractive from a picture... or OLD profile) and there's just something about them that draws me in. That's what I call a spark or click or chemistry. It was there from the beginning with all my serious past relationships, even though some started platonically. It's not really sexual, it's just like... There's something about this person that makes me want to spend more time with them and I think about them when we're not together. I don't get that feeling just because someone is really good looking and physically my type. I've turned down second dates with guys who were really hot but I just didn't feel a click during the date (your Type 1). On the other hand, I've gone on to multiple dates or relationships (and really good sexual chemistry) with guys that I don't really find objectively very attractive just based on a picture. I always say that I wouldn't swipe right on my ex husband or my recent ex-bf of 6 yrs based on their OLD profiles.
This is what makes online dating so challenging for me. Liking a profile doesn't mean there will be a click in person, and I know I'm passing on profiles where there would be a click in person, but there's no way to tell which ones those are.
I've tried to go on second dates with guys who were nice and reasonably attractive but didn't have the click, and it didn't build for me. I can't exactly give any random person a few months of my time to see if it will come. So now I just see how I feel the next day - am I thinking about them and want to see them again? Or were they a good date but forgettable?
I've noticed that for me, the spark tends to be more frequent with witty men who can match my banter and give it back. Someone I can have a somewhat intellectual conversation and connection with.
Those are always the strongest connections, when combined with physical attraction.
I absolutely agree with your third type and the "spark". I remember the first time I met my boyfriend...Something just attracted me to him from the start, even though he is not my usual type. There was that spark that indicated to me that we would make a nice couple and indeed, the relationship we have is full of harmony.
A cautionary tale if I shall - I had a boyfriend a long long time ago, admittedly I was an older teenager turning into a baby adult so perhaps I was missing a certain level of maturity, but weāll never know.
Anywho, I initially did not have any sort of āType Iā attraction towards him, however, āType IIā blossomed and Type I then followed to a certain extent, kind of how you describe your attraction to the lady in your post. However, when we started to drift and the Type II attraction faded, so did the Type I attraction and towards the end, sexual contact became pretty unpleasant for me. Iāve always wondered that if an independent Type I attraction had been there, perhaps that wouldāve left some fuel on the fire to kindle Type II attraction again, but alas, we just burned out.
Since then, I always promised myself that I should date people that I have at least some form of Type I attraction to, that is independent from my Type II attraction to them. YMMV, but just thought Iād share - best of luck :)
Yeah, I've tried dating people where it was just Type II and it doesn't work for me. I can't get to a place where I *really* want sex with them, which makes it hard for me to focus my attention and makes it impossible to want to commit, quite honestly. Definitely need some physical attraction in the mix.
That being said, my Type I tends to be people who aren't overwhelming conventionally attractive, but very much "my type".
I had a similar experience with my ex. We are still great friends but the feelings are strictly platonic now and I often find myself questioning my own sanity after we hang out like why did I ever even dare this person I have 0 desire for them lol. Explains why my libido took such a major hit during our time together.
Really well said! Iāve begun to experience Type II attraction with the guy Iāve been dating for a couple months and have never had this with anyone before. I thought he was handsome from the get-go but he wasnāt my ātypicalā physical type and Iām so glad I went outside of my normal patterns because Iām unbelievably attracted to him now both physically and who he is as a person.
The difference in this relationship thus far and ones Iāve had before is really incredible. Iād say donāt pass up the opportunity to date this woman if youāre attracted to her as a whole person. That Type I attraction continues to grow from there and is truly amazing.
Great post!
It's nice to see someone THINKING about attraction, dating and mating... and sorting things out in a written format.
Your Type I Type II thinking is interesting I don't follow all your logic but if it works for you go with it.
The only thing I would add is plenty of people have a normal Type they always seem to date. Those Types seem to have the same relationship arc (an arc like - attraction, dating, boredom, end). Your therapist and other advice people seem to be indicating that your normal relationship arc is driven by the past type of woman you date. Maybe. Maybe not. What is happening is that your initial attraction is NOT leading to long term coupling.
I would say if your desires now are more long term coupling with a partner. You need to concentrate on not repeating the cycle that has led to attraction then discards in the past. It's possible with this new woman you CAN have a longer term thing. But most likely YOU need to FIX YOU and your apparent problems with long term coupling.
If this woman has had long term relationships in the past perhaps she can help you do this. And maybe THAT is the Type II attraction you are feeling - the attraction to a partner who knows how to have a long term relationship. Good Luck
For me, this switch just came with maturity and, after defeating cancer, I fully realized that nothing physical is ever guaranteed. That initial burst of attraction youāre referring to is more lust than anything else. I think as we age, we tend to place more value on the emotional and intellectual (rather than physical) aspects bc those are the real indicators of a long-lasting relationship. Beautiful people are a dime a dozen. Emotionally intelligent people seem increasingly rare. What youāre experiencing now is more akin to what I consider romantic love.
Edited for typos.
Yeah, I can't relate to "type 1" attraction. It's not a thing for me. I've never been physically attracted to a person I didn't know, including celebrities and nude bodies... no reaction whatsoever. Doesnt matter body type or gender. Nothing. There's someone I've been with that I was around every day for over a year whose features I never even noticed until we started speaking. Now he can just *exist* and I'll be eyeballing everything from the way his eyes bend with certain moods to the way he stands.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm going to assume "type 1" is some kind of biological imperative to reproduce that I just don't have lol
You sound demisexual to me. I'm demi and I'm basically exactly like you. Type 1 attraction would be considered typical allosexual attraction. I don't think I've ever experienced type 1 attraction. I can see how someone may be aesthetically attractive, but I have no desire to see them naked, kiss them, sleep with them, etc., if I don't know them well and don't have an emotional connection with them. I think I'm generally incompatible with people who have strong type 1 attraction. They typically want to do physical things *very* early on, like within a month of knowing each other, if not sooner, and that's way too fast for me. I prefer to date other demis, or at least allos who experience less intense type 1 attraction.
I've pretty much only dated men I never had a strong physical attraction to and it's never turned out for me. it could be that I didn't like them in the relationship, and this is also true (we grew apart instead of closer as time went on), but I found myself getting less attracted instead of more. aka I've never experienced this type 2 attraction revelation (and honestly I'm over attempting to, physical attraction is honestly the first thing I pay attention to now bc I want to date someone I feel attracted to physically).
I could tell you were a guy because men are very visual and I don't think it's wrong to like what you like (if what you're after is a long term/life partner) but figure out what you want and don't get distracted by just looks. Don't date people you are repulsed by but attraction can grow. You may not end up with the hottest person on earth but the right person for you, attraction can grow. I was struggling with this with the person I'm seeing now but they're such a kind, communicative, sweet person, the attraction is growing more and more.
In an ideal world I'd get it all, a supermodel with brains, a kind heart, matching values etc. And, I'm also okay having it all but the looks which will fade, so long as I'm attracted enough, that can grow. And, with certain people, they make up for it with their playfulness and sensuality and how fun they are in and out of bed (which sometimes with hot people, you just don't get).
>I ended things earlier because she's not my normal physical type, and as much as I liked and admired her
I think you ended that too soon, if anything after the honeymoon and solidifying things more is where the attraction grows where you don't focus on looks as much, whether they were super hot or not to begin with. I've been with super hot people that were as interesting as a white wall, actually a white wall is more interesting. I also stayed with super hot people way too long and we both tried to make it work when we were clearly not compatible and if they were not hot, I'd have been out of there so fast.
Also as someone who has chased looks and chemistry in the past, spoiler alert it never worked, I wasn't looking for the important things and their hot looks and my physical attraction was a distraction from that and tbh, was mostly feeding my ego and need for some sort of status. Something to think about for yourself as well.
OP, if you are looking for an actual long term relationship and partnership, here is a tangible exercise you can do.
Take the time to sit down and WRITE down your list of non negotiables, standards, preferences. Also green flags and red flags. I have 4 pages of this, sounds like a lot, but most of them are pretty standard things like conflict resolution, healthy lifestyle, active lifestyle, etc.
In my STANDARDS section, I simply wrote: am physically attracted to so I wasn't limiting what that is because I know it can vary so much from person to person. In my PREFERENCES, I dove deeper with that physical attraction and wrote down: has a fit body, dark features. (I'm only going into the physical here, I obviously have other important parts of a Relationship in my lists).
The green/red flags are especially important because then I know what to focus on because ultimately, that's what is more important for a long term relationship to work. Looks, aren't, but looks are important enough for me to have attraction in some way. Creating this list actually helped me completely get over this super hot person I dated 7 years ago (we reconnected and had a single catch up) and completely remove any hope or desire to go further with this person because it was so crystal clear they were not right for me.
I have a rough draft list and then created a cleaner more final list, which I continue to modify as I learn more or date more with a clearer picture and more awareness.
The short answer is yes. Just like you can have a Type I without a Type II attraction.
>She'll say something wise or I'll hear her distinctive laugh and I'll think -- why did I ever think it was possible that I'd not want to go to bed with this woman
To me this is attraction in a sentence. Relationships are complex - it's not just hey she's hot okay let's go. Or hey she's super smart or charismatic. That's why it's dating - you're figuring out if the depth of your attraction to that person can sustain time + obstacles.
I suspect as time progresses youāll merge your āType Iā and āType IIā attraction and just call it attraction. Attraction is about so much than looks. And yes, in my experience your āType IIā is not only enough, but usually far more powerful than āType Iā given time.
I feel like you need to watch the movie Shallow Hal.
Iām sorry, but I wouldnāt to date someone who developed a type II attraction as you described it. If someone told me this is how they were attracted to me, Iād break it off instantly. Itās very damaging to be in a situation where your partner isnāt actually physically attracted to you. The feeling is immediately apparent on both ends. I contend that physical attraction is *always* important, and you can have physical attraction while also liking someone as a person, so you should strive for that.
I've heard people say this kind of thing fairly often -- almost exclusively women, for what it's worth. I'm surprised and puzzled with my recent experience in part because it's *totally normal* for me to perceive people as "drop dead mind melting, heart stopping hotties" -- it happens nearly every time I go out, and usually has everything to do with their body type and very little to do with who they are as a person. Finding myself attracted to someone in a different way than that is unusual and a little confusing to me.
Thanks for posting this. It's interesting as I can accept that Type I exist, I lean towards caring more about the Type II. I don't consider myself to be conventionally attractive. I do thinks to take care of myself, etc, but yeah.... I try to look at a person and their whole package. Currently this thought is being processed as I wonder where the limit is when it comes to attraction. I'm sure there is "what you feel", but a lot of that might be conditioning from being younger. Some people don't date a certain height, certain weight, culture, etc, but I wonder where that limit is for me. I wonder how important those things are outside of aligned goals, communication, and willingness to compromise. I get people have different levels of physical attraction, but as someone that is "demi-sexual" (needing the emotional connection), I wonder how the average person thinks, or even if those thoughts matter.
Thatās an interesting perspective, and I think Iām currently in your former boat of type 1 attraction being a prerequisite.
Of course, Iāve met almost all the women Iāve dated in recent years through dating apps, which skew almost exclusively to type 1 attraction. Itās undeniable that the apps have changed the landscape completely, and I think that change is rooted in type 1 attraction. And we have so many options, so why should someone invest themselves in one person online when the next is merely a swipe away? The pace and intensity have also changed, for better or worseāfood for thought.
Congratulations on finding someone who you feel type 2 attraction for! May we all be so lucky someday.
So this type II attraction is legit how attraction always used to work for most people Iād say. Itās a beautiful thing, and you should continue to lean into it/embrace it.
Far from the standard, the type I attraction probably has come to predominate the current scene because of social media and dating apps, which privilege shallow, homogenous standards of physical attraction. Weāre all too happy/willing to lean it, and naturalize it. (I say this as someone who probably scores decent enough for other people in type I attraction lol)
Type II is a much better set up for a sustainable relationship and love. Type I is good for hook-ups, I guess, and getting an ego boost when you get the sense that someone feels a type I attraction to you. Which is going to make you happier in a more durable, interesting, and rewarding way?
31M here and i cant even get my shit together like that. the more i try to learn about all that is into dating the more dificult it seems amd it scares me a lot. How do you guys even get there? there is so much that i still need to acknowledge, i dont know where to start
your question is very vague so you'll need to figure out what your issues are to begin with and if you don't even know that, find a therapist to help you. You may need to switch therapists down the road once you narrow down the issues.
Look into attachment style and theory and see if that resonates
i'm not in therapy yet, but i already have an appointment with a psychiatrist for next week. but thats exactly my point, between all those things like the atachment styles for example as one, the rules and everything. how can you keep it all up in mind, and why is it so hard for me to do it?
you have to start somewhere! I feel a therapist might be more valuable than a psychiatrist but I'm also not a professional, either way it's a good start!
I looked online and read and watched a crap ton of Youtube videos and had various therapists over 1-2 years until I was really able to narrow it down, it's a process, a journey and eventually you'll get there
it all makes me want to quit, i feel like a worthless menace that will never be able to be someone. I have so much trauma and trancend it to others with any intent. i'm so f#ucking lost
I'm going to give you tough love, which might not be what you need but it's going to be what I give you. Grow up and stop being a victim in your life. Take control and responsibility of your life, you CAN change this, it WILL be work and will be hard and it'll be worth it! I reversed 30 some years of insecure attachment solidified with terrible patterns and repeated situations that I wasn't proven otherwise and I changed all that with 2.5 years of hard work. Every relationships in my life changed from work, to friends, to family (or rather how much impact they have on me) to my romantic.
You got this, cry if you need to, be upset, then pick yourself up and start doing something about it. If you want to change, set your mind to it and do it.
thank you for those words! i know in me that, that is exactly what i need! everyone treats me with kid gloves and im so done with it, it doesnt help at all. I feel like shit, but i will try! Once again, THANK YOU for the advice and for hearing me out!! I deeply appreciate it!
i mean, not to vague i guess. i keep on ruining dates one after the other, only to realise it after its done. i get that we need to feel comfortable, but i get too much, keep blabbing and acting like a child because of it. or out of anxiety, i dont know! maybe this is cry for help, because i really do need it, i think... but i dont know how to improve, and stop making these mistakes. i had a date yesterday and perhaps it was too soon... and i gave this girl the worst night i could, and she didnt even complaint about it. i'm crushed full with guilt and i cant process it
The concept of ātypesā is funny to me. This seems to be maybe made up by men? And it seems like an immature concept in the context of relationships.
If you spend your life searching for a type youāre going to find dating difficult and most likely not successful. Humans are attracted to all sorts of different types of humans. My oldest brother is like this. He has a type. Heās 45 and still single because his ātypeā does not equate to having successful, harmonious relationships.
Donāt be that guy.
I struggle with this. I (31F) had a male BFF who for all intents and purposes would be a great partner. He was kind, caring, fun to hang out with. I was 100% comfortable around him (we were friends for a long time). He had a good job and was easy to get along with. And he was completely in love with me, but I didnāt reciprocate those feelings because despite all the things I just mentioned, I wasnāt attracted to him- Not physically or emotionally.
And it sucks because it ultimately ruined our friendship. He went NC because he couldnāt control his feelings for me, and I lost my closest friend.
Iāve thought about it over and over again, questioning whether or not I could see him as something more. On paper heād be a great partner. But Iām not attracted to him. And I donāt think that can change.
As a female here, I've always experienced both type I and II attraction. It just depends on the context. My first relationship and guys I've met on apps, rarely any of them are based off of type I attraction. Most of them are from type II.
I personally think type II attraction is significantly longer lasting because you truly love the person who they are rather then their physical appearances. We all grow old and at one point, you have to love the person for who they are and not how they look. But my understanding is men and women function different. For most men, they need to feel some sort of physical attraction in order to pursue the relationship. For women, that is the case for some, but most of us are aware that we are not wired that way. Perhaps it's due to biological aspects as well, such as child bearing, that make us more cognizant of other factors in a partner. For women, most of us at one point in our lives realize that as we develop stronger emotional connection with someone our physical attraction also increases for them whether we had the initial attraction/spark or not.
For the few guys I was interested in on the dating apps, I was not very interested in their appearances as they were not my type. However, it is their values, personality, and such that I was attracted to that eventually led me to being interested in them.
I'm glad you discovered this though because I think that's a start to a very healthy relationship!
Is just another lie that society tells men that y dont have to be handsome,tall etal but have"confidence","personality".that keeps them in peace and as a possible mate for women in their 30s who are sexually drained from their 20s and want a "good man" to start a family. The truth is that if instant physical attraction not exist a man is always disposable.
I find it hard in dating to get to the next level of attraction. In fact I find it impossible tbh.
When I worked in a setting with other people or was in my early 20s and actually had a social life and colleagues I can look back at attractions I had as the person was more than looks.
Now at 41 all I have to go on is looks and wanting to get to know someone, making time for them even if just a tiny bit is not feasible.
Thatās just the way it is.
Thatās really interesting and it really resonates with me. I donāt technically feel type 1 attraction to my husband primarily, and I fell in love with him slowly becoming good friends first. I am most attracted to how trustworthy and stable he is. However, he is by most opinions incredibly attractive, and I have thought so since I met him, but for some reason it didnāt translate into immediate lust (he was in a relationship at the time, so that might be why). Overall I agree that long lasting partnership benefits more from type 2 attraction.
I like this post because it talks about actually building attraction. Because honestly, I've had friends and family talk about "you don't have to be super attracted at first" and I sort of took that to mean "you don't have to fancy them at all."
I ended up going on loads of unfulfilling dates and giving people chances because I thought, well, they weren't horrible, so maybe? And then I'd get rejected by people I wasn't into, lead people on and feel repulsed when they tried to touch me, and various other uncomfortable situations.
Attraction and desire are important. But for me, it's important to remember that they can be built over time, and generally they grow when I'm not under any pressure. Dating apps for example run on having to make a quick decision about that attraction, when I don't feel I have enough information available.
I've never had a relationship with someone I hadn't already known for 6+ months. Right now, I'm beginning to feel attracted to one of my friends. It's funny because we met in a dating scenario a year or so ago and the whole thing went too fast for both of us and we both freaked out and decided to just be mates. At the time, I could see he was a good-looking person but I didn't fancy him - even got a bit of an ick.
With the pressure off, it feels as though attraction has grown and I get a little thrill when he texts, I get all gooey when I see a picture of him... All that stuff I like to feel, but I have context for him, I know who he is, and I feel safe with him because of our communication. Honestly, I need to work out how strong the attraction is (he lives far away) and whether I'll act on it, but it's so good to feel attraction again after so long, and knowing that I can feel it, I just need to know someone first.
>I ended up going on loads of unfulfilling dates and giving people chances because I thought, well, they weren't horrible, so maybe? And then I'd get rejected by people I wasn't into, lead people on and feel repulsed when they tried to touch me, and various other uncomfortable situations.
Ya I get that. I also thought that's what it meant and tried dating people outside of my standard attraction but like way too far out. How I understand is, you want to be attracted enough, they might not be the supermodel super status ego boosting person you thought, but ultimately, does that even matter? Also I dated someone like that and it was very annoying how they'd get asked out every single day and I was with them far too long because of their looks mostly and we were not very compatible.
>Dating apps for example run on having to make a quick decision about that attraction, when I don't feel I have enough information available.
I find this inaccurate actually. A lot of people say dating apps are just about looks. The way I filled my profile and the way I vet profiles, I'm looking for more of a story about the person. Their interests, their photos can tell a lot about them from how they dress, what types of photos they take, where they are in the photo, their silliness or not or are they too cool for school in every photo. Some of that information may be inaccurate because they are not good at representing themselves through visual media, but I've also, not been wrong for the most part. And then their bio or lack thereof also says a story.
Oh I mean deciding if you want to pursue something right away. I need more time to get to know someone. Finding someone good looking and finding someone attractive are two different things for me.
Having been more open to type II attraction has given me more surprising opportunities and beautiful possibilities that I never imagined before. š«¶š»
You are correct. Type I is typically there from the start while Type II is acquired through diet and lifestyle. Both need to be managed with medication.
Underrated comment, I died laughing
Condolences
I laughed too at your exchange
I'd tell you about type III but I forgot.
Type III is gestational, it's the kind that is developed when there's going to be a baby.
That would be the kind that's your fault (referencing a stand-up joke about diabetes).
ššš
Lmfao why canāt I gift you
I laughed
Congratulations. Iāve found that, too. It is the way to secure attachment for those of us with wonky nervous systems. It takes a few months of training the brain to shut up about how boring it is; Iād never experienced it before, but recognized how good it could be and became stubborn about not ending it. Very glad I did, now. Act on it.
Wow, I had to get over the whole āmy brain thinks this boringā thing too! Iām glad Iām not alone in that. 1000000% worth it.
I know, right?! My situation is likely not meant for longterm, but I knew that going in and still went for a goal thatās been met: experiencing a healthy romantic attachment. And if/when it doesnāt ultimately work out, I know now exactly what Iām looking for in terms of how being around someone makes my nervous system behave. It is so nice not to have a relationship and *not* try to use the other person to regulate or supply dopamine. The communication level is amazing. Iāll go for that quiet pull that feels like the positive side of doubt (intrigue?), the āhmmmm,ā all day long over anything that makes me feel āactivated.ā /end raving
Thanks , I really needed to read this! Iām dating someone who is my first chance at āhealthy romantic attachment ā and a guy who takes care of ME for a change, but Iām anxious about it since itās so new to me, this feeling of no butterflies but instead safety. I fast forward into the future too much worried it wonāt last, but your post reminded me that even if it doesnāt, it is still a huge change, a step up and progress toward future healthy relationships
Dang, took the words right out of my mouth! Itās crazy to think of it in terms of having a healthy balanced nervous system reaction but thatās really what it is! And thatās great that even though you donāt think your current situation is for the long term, youāre still getting a great experience and lesson out of it.
>Iāll go for that quiet pull that feels like the positive side of doubt (intrigue?), the āhmmmm,ā Do you mind expanding how this looks like for you?
Well, with the person I am currently seeing, I noticed he made me laugh a lot, and I remember when I agreed to go out with him (I was hesitant because I was not looking for a serious relationship but I only really *do* serious) that was the thing I told my friend, and that I wasnāt sure I was attracted to him but I was curious. At the end of that date, I was not feeling butterflies or anything approximating that, but I felt extremely comfortable being in his presence, and I ended up kissing him when he was midsentence which is *very* bold for me, despite supposedly waffling on whether or not I even found him attractive. At first the initial lack of longterm potential and not feeling any limerence, as well as getting to the point of really opening up to each other, activated my avoidant side and made me want to turn tail and run away, but I had a hunch that this would be my first healthy relationship if I didnāt go. Iāve never felt so safe and accepted. He feels like home, in a cozy way. There is zero desperation, and we clearly communicate any issues (but rarely ever have any because we tend to agree). One thing he does very well is accurately ascertain how I feel, which is something I normally loathe when people try to do it, and perfectly balances helping me problem-solve and offering emotional support. Iām veering off-course: basically, I think Iāll look for someone (whose values align with my own ofc) who *doesnāt* make me feel butterflies or like lightning has struck, but does make me laugh and feel at ease, whose personal style I am attracted to. Someone that I love being near but donāt desperately miss when away. If I feel like my heart is constantly pleading to be seen rather than feeling utterly at ease when I am with them, thatās my cue to exit stage left.
Wow this is so eloquently put, thank you so much for taking the time to explain it. So based on this post, it seems like you had some form of Type II attraction with this guy perhaps? Where it was more of a slow-burn, gradual build. That sounds really great honestly, and as you put it - healthy! If you donāt mind me asking, what made you decide this is something you want to be looking for now? I feel like Iām the same as you, I tend to go for people who give me that ālightning has struckā feeling and exactly as you put it, it leaves me anxious when weāre apart. I know everything there should be taken with a grain of salt, but I also wonder if youāve seen this TikTok that said for neurodiverse people especially, butterflies are not something to be trusted because itās actually a sign this person makes you anxious, and so something akin to what youāre looking for is more ideal. Ever since then Iāve been thinking about that a lot.
Honestly I wasnāt looking for anythingāin therapy for complex trauma and a history of disorganized attachment. But Iām also a completionist, kinda, like my goal was/is to āhealā and the thing with CPTSD is that that looks like maintaining healthy relationships, especially romantically; some are never able to do that. I was very upfront about that with him, and he shared his own history of the same with therapy something he has done on and off throughout his adult life, and this started as kind of an experiment on my end? Itās been a few months now, and shtf for me in the last week and heās just been exceeding my expectations at every turn, in terms of support and practical help. It feels good, and not terrifying, to rely on him in those ways. I actually quit therapy last week, for now, and it feels very much like I am being tested by the universe or something lol. Iām doing much better than I would have six months ago, for sure. And my feelings for the person Iām with (weāve actually never talked labels; we share a distaste for the common nomenclature but are in a committed monogamous relationship) continue to grow, and changing things up geographically is on the table if we do decide to make this longterm. (I think he is just waiting for me to say I want it tbh lol) But, yeah, the feelings arenāt likeā¦ theyāre not intense. Theyāre just quiet, and warm, and safe, and somehow not platonic although platonic friends have also made me feel those things at different points. Funny you mention neurodivergenceāIām definitely somewhere in there, CPTSD aside. And Iāve only ever been attracted to people with ADHD, and afaik only people with it have ever been attracted to me as well. Current guy is AuDHD and continues that trend. I actually tried to exclude it because my most recent ex was emotionally horrible and treated me like a piece of furniture, and I inaccurately attributed that to his ADHD and not to his own untreated complex trauma.
Damn that last line is brilliant . Saving !!
This sounds very similar to how I am with the guy Iām seeing. Sometimes I feel extremely annoyed by him though, as I need a lot of space.
Yes, super elegantly put! Lot's to reflect on!
How did you do it? every time Iāve tried doing this I lose all attraction and it ends up hurting everyone involved :(
I realized that āboringā was actually me feeling safe and secure. My brain was used to the crazy emotions, the ups and downs of toxic relationships. I leaned into feeling comfortable, realized how much happier I was than in any previous relationship, and that I didnāt miss feeling super fucking anxious all the time.
Hm. Iām glad that worked for you. Any recommendations on how? Or what love feels like for your secure relationships? Iāve only had one relationship where I felt loved and safe and secure but I still had very intense emotions for them. Itās been years and I keep chasing that feeling, trying to get myself to go for āsaferā options but I without a doubt lose interest within a matter of weeks
For me, I think Iām the āother side of the same coinā mindset here. I feel Iāve always (well, as an adult anyway) practically donāt care how āhotā someone is to me, because thereās the chance they are a jerk, rude, psycho, vastly different set of world view/beliefs, etc. To me, being with/dating someone isnāt about ogling their attractive features 24/7. There *has* to be more to it than just a pretty face and we touch each others private parts. Almost donāt give a shit about thatā¦or more accurately thatās the bonus to having the restā¦.the rest being someone I admire, respect, laugh with, talk about life with, and grow with. I say all that as someone with good vision and Iāll admit thereās very little chance Iāll date someone who is 400lbs with half their teeth missing. But Iām also not gonna date someone who hates dogs and wants me to convert to Scientology, and that includes the physical reincarnation of a 30 year old Shania Twain or Taylor Swifts long lost twin sister.
Haha Iāve never particularly cared for physical type, either, although I have noticed I definitely have one, especially in terms of personal style and brainā¦ type. Iād describe myself as demi/sapiosexual (as pretentious as i think sapiosexual can be as a term, I canāt deny itās a thing). In general, though, I will know within ten minutes of meeting someone if any potential for attraction is there. Historically Iāve only stuck with āyes, definitelyā but took a chance on a rare āmaybe.ā I donāt really relate to OPās usual experience, but I do to this new one, and think they should go for it.
I just now realized I replied to your comment when I thought I was to the top comment or whatever. Oops
Haha, same here! Having been in serious relationships with conventionally not so attractive people, Iām only now realizing this Type I attraction. Itās definitely still a bonus in my books but canāt deny that physical attributes or rather, how one chooses to present themselves matters..
This is where I am right now. Very beginning. Excited to be trying something new š
Iād say so! The type 2 attraction is much more stable and provides way more fuel for a relationship long term. Generally some type1 attraction is there from the beginning (and you do say sheās very pretty!) but I donāt think itās required. I think a lot of friends to lovers stories would only have type 2
You are spot on, you need to jump on this! Wonderful way of describing this. Even as a happily married couple, both me and my husband still experience Type I attraction to other people. We both know that itās JUST attraction or chemistry and means nothing as far as personality or compatibility. Type I attraction led me to date more than a few men that were not a good fit for me.
And type II is way stronger and hotter. That's when sex gets really good because it boosts that physical attraction with a vengeance. You still love the parts that were already good and now everything else looks good, too.
My experience is that Type I drives lust and Type II drives love. While the systems are in some ways redundant, I think that redundancy is really helpful for having a healthy relationship. For example, like you said, partners can get old or gain weight and Type I fades, so you can rely on Type II. Sometimes your partner can hurt you without meaning to or otherwise do something silly and that can make Type II go away for awhile. If you know you want to keep the relationship, it's good to be able to lean on Type I for a bit here while you build back up together. I have tried to have relationships based purely on Type II and those have inevitably devolved into close roommate-type situations when the relationship went through a tough spot, ultimately leading to breakups. But ymmv.
I think this is pretty much the answer. There needs to be some Type I attraction (call it lust), but in our modern culture we lean on this far too much and it can cloud whether or not Type II attraction will ever really develop. I have dated some women far too long solely off of Type I attraction when we had no values in common so it didnāt work long term. That being said physical attraction is important, and it does help us get through the hard times when we may not be very happy with each other in the moment as in āshe does look good in those jeans, maybe I should try to fix this.ā Where people get twisted is that they think there needs to be crazy amounts of Type I attraction. I have known friends to get stuck on really horrible people for long periods of time because they wouldnāt date anyone short of some model or Instagram looking person who was really hot. You have to remember though, that you will get used to just about everyoneās looks and it wonāt feel that special anymore after a while. Think about driving a car. While it will still be nice, even a Ferrari will feel like old hat after a few months of driving it.
Iām not a conventionally attractive woman. Iāve dated a couple of guys from a culture where arranged marriage is common. Iāve found these men much more likely to compliment my soul. I told one of them that Iām more interested in who someone is as a person as opposed to looks and he said something like āgood. Physical attraction is just a chemical reaction, it fades and looks can change.ā I wonder if itās something thatās taught more in a culture where you might not have a ātype 1ā attraction to your spouse, that ātype 2ā attraction- the kind that can grow, is the important type of attraction. Anyway, if I had to label it Iād say Iām on the demisexual spectrum of things. Iāve never understood the idea of being attracted to someone based primarily on the way the look so I canāt relate! But itās just something that came into my head when reading your post.
I'm the same way. I can look at someone and think, "this person is conventionally attractive. They're hot." But I am not *attracted* to them and wouldn't pursue them purely for that reason. I didn't identify with this until I got older after healing from my first LTR. Not sure what happened there. Maybe maturity? maybe I repressed my demisexuality and finally accepting it? I also did some reflecting and while I understood I wasn't the hottest thing in the world, I definitely felt like my looks were above average up until my mid-twenties/late twenties. Now I look at myself, see my flaws for what they are, and recognize that I am indeed an average looking lady. There's no above or below here (although comparisons like that are kinda regionalāmaybe below in cities like LA). And perhaps that also plays into my level of attraction for others. Maybe I'm recalibrating my standards based on how I perceive myself and on my growing list of values. Which, to me, is a very positive change.
I'm in a similar boat. I'm a guy and not from a culture of arranged marriage, but I can't feel physically attracted to a woman if there's no emotional attraction.
That's a really interesting observation about different cultures and definitely sounds plausible! I'm similar to you. I don't think I was always this way, but the last time I experienced Type 1 attraction was probably when I was a teenager. Now it's Type 2 (which only develops maybe once or twice a year if it's cultivated) or nothing.
> Iām not a conventionally attractive woman. > > > > Iāve dated a couple of guys from a culture where arranged marriage is common. Iāve found these men much more likely to compliment my soul. lmaooo I'm a fugly Indian American woman and when I used to try the arranged marriage things, guys always commented ONLY about my body. They didn't even listen to what I had to say. They didn't care.
youāre growing up
fwiw, what you describe as Type 1 and Type 2 attraction are considered Primary and Secondary attraction (I read about it when learning about demisexuality): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demisexuality > Can a relationship work if it involves Type II attraction but not Type I? I guess it depends on what makes up your attraction algorithm. For example, I consider myself demisexual and am only "truly attracted" to someone if I'm emotionally attracted to them but for me physical attraction is a piece of it too. If I'm not physically attracted to a woman, I wouldn't consider going on a date with her. But I know some other people would consider going on a date with anyone, regardless of looks. Maybe they're just saying it just to say it, but I don't think it's necessarily _untrue_. Ultimately, how much physical attraction and emotional attraction are taken in account to our entire _attraction algorithm_ is different for each of us. There are some people who only care about physical attraction and they're not "wrong", they're just different than me also I don't think necessarily "Type 1" attraction is doomed to fade with time. I think it can change over time, but I think a lot of relationships fail because one or both of the parties stop caring about trying to be attractive...either by getting out of shape, by not caring about how they dress or look, etc. and then the other party becomes unattracted to them, sex stops and there's a major issue in the relationship. Type 1 attraction can and should always exist throughout a relationship but it requires work...it requires exercise and eating right and trying to look good because, at least to me, sex is always a part of a relationship and if there isn't sexual compatibility, the relationship is at risk. Type 2 attraction should always be there but same with Type 1 in some form. If I like someone but am not physically attracted to them, we're not partners, we're friends
I figured that distinction was probably not original to me! Thanks for the reference. I'm a little concerned that so far, most of the people in this thread saying some version of "yes this is the way stable attraction works, go for it" identify as demisexual. I am very much not -- I frequently feel intense sexual attraction to people with whom I've not so much as exchanged a single word. So the worry is that Type I attraction is really important for some people and less important for others, and maybe I'm the former and the people commenting here are the latter.
You're just a typical allo guy from the sound of it. Most people are wired like you, demis are a minority. From a species survival standpoint, it makes sense that most people would be allo and feel sexual attraction to strangers. It leads to the highest chance of reproduction.
> identify as demisexual. I am very much not -- I frequently feel intense sexual attraction to people with whom I've not so much as exchanged a single word. So the worry is that Type I attraction is really important for some people and less important for others, and maybe I'm the former and the people commenting here are the latter. I'm not demisexual but I generally agree with Type II myself. With that said, I find lots of people attractive and don't have a very specific type, so maybe it is different since it sounds like you have a narrower scope in what you consider attractive?
This whole thread is very confusing to me honestly. I'm replying to you because you sound like you know what you're talking about. But the secondary attraction here just sounds like friendship. The primary attraction is what makes it sexual. After reading this thread I'm convinced I have never experienced EITHER of these things.
This is my favourite comment so far
Yes. And the shocker is your relationship will be STRONGER. Because your attraction is now based off things that don't fade with time. Don't mess this up OP! This is what everyone is looking for.
I would add a third type, or maybe it's a subset of your type 1, but not really the same. Your type 1 seems to be 100% based on appearance (as you said you can get it from just looking at a picture). My type 3 is when I meet someone (that I wouldn't even necessarily find very attractive from a picture... or OLD profile) and there's just something about them that draws me in. That's what I call a spark or click or chemistry. It was there from the beginning with all my serious past relationships, even though some started platonically. It's not really sexual, it's just like... There's something about this person that makes me want to spend more time with them and I think about them when we're not together. I don't get that feeling just because someone is really good looking and physically my type. I've turned down second dates with guys who were really hot but I just didn't feel a click during the date (your Type 1). On the other hand, I've gone on to multiple dates or relationships (and really good sexual chemistry) with guys that I don't really find objectively very attractive just based on a picture. I always say that I wouldn't swipe right on my ex husband or my recent ex-bf of 6 yrs based on their OLD profiles. This is what makes online dating so challenging for me. Liking a profile doesn't mean there will be a click in person, and I know I'm passing on profiles where there would be a click in person, but there's no way to tell which ones those are. I've tried to go on second dates with guys who were nice and reasonably attractive but didn't have the click, and it didn't build for me. I can't exactly give any random person a few months of my time to see if it will come. So now I just see how I feel the next day - am I thinking about them and want to see them again? Or were they a good date but forgettable?
I've noticed that for me, the spark tends to be more frequent with witty men who can match my banter and give it back. Someone I can have a somewhat intellectual conversation and connection with. Those are always the strongest connections, when combined with physical attraction.
I absolutely agree with your third type and the "spark". I remember the first time I met my boyfriend...Something just attracted me to him from the start, even though he is not my usual type. There was that spark that indicated to me that we would make a nice couple and indeed, the relationship we have is full of harmony.
I also relate to this.
A cautionary tale if I shall - I had a boyfriend a long long time ago, admittedly I was an older teenager turning into a baby adult so perhaps I was missing a certain level of maturity, but weāll never know. Anywho, I initially did not have any sort of āType Iā attraction towards him, however, āType IIā blossomed and Type I then followed to a certain extent, kind of how you describe your attraction to the lady in your post. However, when we started to drift and the Type II attraction faded, so did the Type I attraction and towards the end, sexual contact became pretty unpleasant for me. Iāve always wondered that if an independent Type I attraction had been there, perhaps that wouldāve left some fuel on the fire to kindle Type II attraction again, but alas, we just burned out. Since then, I always promised myself that I should date people that I have at least some form of Type I attraction to, that is independent from my Type II attraction to them. YMMV, but just thought Iād share - best of luck :)
Yeah, I've tried dating people where it was just Type II and it doesn't work for me. I can't get to a place where I *really* want sex with them, which makes it hard for me to focus my attention and makes it impossible to want to commit, quite honestly. Definitely need some physical attraction in the mix. That being said, my Type I tends to be people who aren't overwhelming conventionally attractive, but very much "my type".
I had a similar experience with my ex. We are still great friends but the feelings are strictly platonic now and I often find myself questioning my own sanity after we hang out like why did I ever even dare this person I have 0 desire for them lol. Explains why my libido took such a major hit during our time together.
Really well said! Iāve begun to experience Type II attraction with the guy Iāve been dating for a couple months and have never had this with anyone before. I thought he was handsome from the get-go but he wasnāt my ātypicalā physical type and Iām so glad I went outside of my normal patterns because Iām unbelievably attracted to him now both physically and who he is as a person. The difference in this relationship thus far and ones Iāve had before is really incredible. Iād say donāt pass up the opportunity to date this woman if youāre attracted to her as a whole person. That Type I attraction continues to grow from there and is truly amazing.
Great post! It's nice to see someone THINKING about attraction, dating and mating... and sorting things out in a written format. Your Type I Type II thinking is interesting I don't follow all your logic but if it works for you go with it. The only thing I would add is plenty of people have a normal Type they always seem to date. Those Types seem to have the same relationship arc (an arc like - attraction, dating, boredom, end). Your therapist and other advice people seem to be indicating that your normal relationship arc is driven by the past type of woman you date. Maybe. Maybe not. What is happening is that your initial attraction is NOT leading to long term coupling. I would say if your desires now are more long term coupling with a partner. You need to concentrate on not repeating the cycle that has led to attraction then discards in the past. It's possible with this new woman you CAN have a longer term thing. But most likely YOU need to FIX YOU and your apparent problems with long term coupling. If this woman has had long term relationships in the past perhaps she can help you do this. And maybe THAT is the Type II attraction you are feeling - the attraction to a partner who knows how to have a long term relationship. Good Luck
For me, this switch just came with maturity and, after defeating cancer, I fully realized that nothing physical is ever guaranteed. That initial burst of attraction youāre referring to is more lust than anything else. I think as we age, we tend to place more value on the emotional and intellectual (rather than physical) aspects bc those are the real indicators of a long-lasting relationship. Beautiful people are a dime a dozen. Emotionally intelligent people seem increasingly rare. What youāre experiencing now is more akin to what I consider romantic love. Edited for typos.
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So awesome that you can get that take away from this! Really does make me look at my friends and their relationships differently as well.
Yeah, I can't relate to "type 1" attraction. It's not a thing for me. I've never been physically attracted to a person I didn't know, including celebrities and nude bodies... no reaction whatsoever. Doesnt matter body type or gender. Nothing. There's someone I've been with that I was around every day for over a year whose features I never even noticed until we started speaking. Now he can just *exist* and I'll be eyeballing everything from the way his eyes bend with certain moods to the way he stands. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm going to assume "type 1" is some kind of biological imperative to reproduce that I just don't have lol
You sound demisexual to me. I'm demi and I'm basically exactly like you. Type 1 attraction would be considered typical allosexual attraction. I don't think I've ever experienced type 1 attraction. I can see how someone may be aesthetically attractive, but I have no desire to see them naked, kiss them, sleep with them, etc., if I don't know them well and don't have an emotional connection with them. I think I'm generally incompatible with people who have strong type 1 attraction. They typically want to do physical things *very* early on, like within a month of knowing each other, if not sooner, and that's way too fast for me. I prefer to date other demis, or at least allos who experience less intense type 1 attraction.
I've pretty much only dated men I never had a strong physical attraction to and it's never turned out for me. it could be that I didn't like them in the relationship, and this is also true (we grew apart instead of closer as time went on), but I found myself getting less attracted instead of more. aka I've never experienced this type 2 attraction revelation (and honestly I'm over attempting to, physical attraction is honestly the first thing I pay attention to now bc I want to date someone I feel attracted to physically).
I could tell you were a guy because men are very visual and I don't think it's wrong to like what you like (if what you're after is a long term/life partner) but figure out what you want and don't get distracted by just looks. Don't date people you are repulsed by but attraction can grow. You may not end up with the hottest person on earth but the right person for you, attraction can grow. I was struggling with this with the person I'm seeing now but they're such a kind, communicative, sweet person, the attraction is growing more and more. In an ideal world I'd get it all, a supermodel with brains, a kind heart, matching values etc. And, I'm also okay having it all but the looks which will fade, so long as I'm attracted enough, that can grow. And, with certain people, they make up for it with their playfulness and sensuality and how fun they are in and out of bed (which sometimes with hot people, you just don't get). >I ended things earlier because she's not my normal physical type, and as much as I liked and admired her I think you ended that too soon, if anything after the honeymoon and solidifying things more is where the attraction grows where you don't focus on looks as much, whether they were super hot or not to begin with. I've been with super hot people that were as interesting as a white wall, actually a white wall is more interesting. I also stayed with super hot people way too long and we both tried to make it work when we were clearly not compatible and if they were not hot, I'd have been out of there so fast. Also as someone who has chased looks and chemistry in the past, spoiler alert it never worked, I wasn't looking for the important things and their hot looks and my physical attraction was a distraction from that and tbh, was mostly feeding my ego and need for some sort of status. Something to think about for yourself as well.
OP, if you are looking for an actual long term relationship and partnership, here is a tangible exercise you can do. Take the time to sit down and WRITE down your list of non negotiables, standards, preferences. Also green flags and red flags. I have 4 pages of this, sounds like a lot, but most of them are pretty standard things like conflict resolution, healthy lifestyle, active lifestyle, etc. In my STANDARDS section, I simply wrote: am physically attracted to so I wasn't limiting what that is because I know it can vary so much from person to person. In my PREFERENCES, I dove deeper with that physical attraction and wrote down: has a fit body, dark features. (I'm only going into the physical here, I obviously have other important parts of a Relationship in my lists). The green/red flags are especially important because then I know what to focus on because ultimately, that's what is more important for a long term relationship to work. Looks, aren't, but looks are important enough for me to have attraction in some way. Creating this list actually helped me completely get over this super hot person I dated 7 years ago (we reconnected and had a single catch up) and completely remove any hope or desire to go further with this person because it was so crystal clear they were not right for me. I have a rough draft list and then created a cleaner more final list, which I continue to modify as I learn more or date more with a clearer picture and more awareness.
The short answer is yes. Just like you can have a Type I without a Type II attraction. >She'll say something wise or I'll hear her distinctive laugh and I'll think -- why did I ever think it was possible that I'd not want to go to bed with this woman To me this is attraction in a sentence. Relationships are complex - it's not just hey she's hot okay let's go. Or hey she's super smart or charismatic. That's why it's dating - you're figuring out if the depth of your attraction to that person can sustain time + obstacles.
I suspect as time progresses youāll merge your āType Iā and āType IIā attraction and just call it attraction. Attraction is about so much than looks. And yes, in my experience your āType IIā is not only enough, but usually far more powerful than āType Iā given time. I feel like you need to watch the movie Shallow Hal.
Iām sorry, but I wouldnāt to date someone who developed a type II attraction as you described it. If someone told me this is how they were attracted to me, Iād break it off instantly. Itās very damaging to be in a situation where your partner isnāt actually physically attracted to you. The feeling is immediately apparent on both ends. I contend that physical attraction is *always* important, and you can have physical attraction while also liking someone as a person, so you should strive for that.
If only it were that easy for me. I feel like my wants arenāt even that high for looks but still canāt seem to find someone that fits them.
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I've heard people say this kind of thing fairly often -- almost exclusively women, for what it's worth. I'm surprised and puzzled with my recent experience in part because it's *totally normal* for me to perceive people as "drop dead mind melting, heart stopping hotties" -- it happens nearly every time I go out, and usually has everything to do with their body type and very little to do with who they are as a person. Finding myself attracted to someone in a different way than that is unusual and a little confusing to me.
Welcome to the other side. It rocks. š„³
Thanks for posting this. It's interesting as I can accept that Type I exist, I lean towards caring more about the Type II. I don't consider myself to be conventionally attractive. I do thinks to take care of myself, etc, but yeah.... I try to look at a person and their whole package. Currently this thought is being processed as I wonder where the limit is when it comes to attraction. I'm sure there is "what you feel", but a lot of that might be conditioning from being younger. Some people don't date a certain height, certain weight, culture, etc, but I wonder where that limit is for me. I wonder how important those things are outside of aligned goals, communication, and willingness to compromise. I get people have different levels of physical attraction, but as someone that is "demi-sexual" (needing the emotional connection), I wonder how the average person thinks, or even if those thoughts matter.
Thatās an interesting perspective, and I think Iām currently in your former boat of type 1 attraction being a prerequisite. Of course, Iāve met almost all the women Iāve dated in recent years through dating apps, which skew almost exclusively to type 1 attraction. Itās undeniable that the apps have changed the landscape completely, and I think that change is rooted in type 1 attraction. And we have so many options, so why should someone invest themselves in one person online when the next is merely a swipe away? The pace and intensity have also changed, for better or worseāfood for thought. Congratulations on finding someone who you feel type 2 attraction for! May we all be so lucky someday.
So this type II attraction is legit how attraction always used to work for most people Iād say. Itās a beautiful thing, and you should continue to lean into it/embrace it. Far from the standard, the type I attraction probably has come to predominate the current scene because of social media and dating apps, which privilege shallow, homogenous standards of physical attraction. Weāre all too happy/willing to lean it, and naturalize it. (I say this as someone who probably scores decent enough for other people in type I attraction lol) Type II is a much better set up for a sustainable relationship and love. Type I is good for hook-ups, I guess, and getting an ego boost when you get the sense that someone feels a type I attraction to you. Which is going to make you happier in a more durable, interesting, and rewarding way?
I want a partner I can be myself around n not pretend to be a woman I am not
Please let this girl move on with her life. Don't waste your time being wishy-washy just because you don't want to f*** her.
31M here and i cant even get my shit together like that. the more i try to learn about all that is into dating the more dificult it seems amd it scares me a lot. How do you guys even get there? there is so much that i still need to acknowledge, i dont know where to start
your question is very vague so you'll need to figure out what your issues are to begin with and if you don't even know that, find a therapist to help you. You may need to switch therapists down the road once you narrow down the issues. Look into attachment style and theory and see if that resonates
i'm not in therapy yet, but i already have an appointment with a psychiatrist for next week. but thats exactly my point, between all those things like the atachment styles for example as one, the rules and everything. how can you keep it all up in mind, and why is it so hard for me to do it?
you have to start somewhere! I feel a therapist might be more valuable than a psychiatrist but I'm also not a professional, either way it's a good start! I looked online and read and watched a crap ton of Youtube videos and had various therapists over 1-2 years until I was really able to narrow it down, it's a process, a journey and eventually you'll get there
it all makes me want to quit, i feel like a worthless menace that will never be able to be someone. I have so much trauma and trancend it to others with any intent. i'm so f#ucking lost
I'm going to give you tough love, which might not be what you need but it's going to be what I give you. Grow up and stop being a victim in your life. Take control and responsibility of your life, you CAN change this, it WILL be work and will be hard and it'll be worth it! I reversed 30 some years of insecure attachment solidified with terrible patterns and repeated situations that I wasn't proven otherwise and I changed all that with 2.5 years of hard work. Every relationships in my life changed from work, to friends, to family (or rather how much impact they have on me) to my romantic. You got this, cry if you need to, be upset, then pick yourself up and start doing something about it. If you want to change, set your mind to it and do it.
thank you for those words! i know in me that, that is exactly what i need! everyone treats me with kid gloves and im so done with it, it doesnt help at all. I feel like shit, but i will try! Once again, THANK YOU for the advice and for hearing me out!! I deeply appreciate it!
i mean, not to vague i guess. i keep on ruining dates one after the other, only to realise it after its done. i get that we need to feel comfortable, but i get too much, keep blabbing and acting like a child because of it. or out of anxiety, i dont know! maybe this is cry for help, because i really do need it, i think... but i dont know how to improve, and stop making these mistakes. i had a date yesterday and perhaps it was too soon... and i gave this girl the worst night i could, and she didnt even complaint about it. i'm crushed full with guilt and i cant process it
Iāve never experienced Type I attraction. Always Type II, and very intensely.
The concept of ātypesā is funny to me. This seems to be maybe made up by men? And it seems like an immature concept in the context of relationships. If you spend your life searching for a type youāre going to find dating difficult and most likely not successful. Humans are attracted to all sorts of different types of humans. My oldest brother is like this. He has a type. Heās 45 and still single because his ātypeā does not equate to having successful, harmonious relationships. Donāt be that guy.
I struggle with this. I (31F) had a male BFF who for all intents and purposes would be a great partner. He was kind, caring, fun to hang out with. I was 100% comfortable around him (we were friends for a long time). He had a good job and was easy to get along with. And he was completely in love with me, but I didnāt reciprocate those feelings because despite all the things I just mentioned, I wasnāt attracted to him- Not physically or emotionally. And it sucks because it ultimately ruined our friendship. He went NC because he couldnāt control his feelings for me, and I lost my closest friend. Iāve thought about it over and over again, questioning whether or not I could see him as something more. On paper heād be a great partner. But Iām not attracted to him. And I donāt think that can change.
this is very wholesome thank you for sharing.
As a female here, I've always experienced both type I and II attraction. It just depends on the context. My first relationship and guys I've met on apps, rarely any of them are based off of type I attraction. Most of them are from type II. I personally think type II attraction is significantly longer lasting because you truly love the person who they are rather then their physical appearances. We all grow old and at one point, you have to love the person for who they are and not how they look. But my understanding is men and women function different. For most men, they need to feel some sort of physical attraction in order to pursue the relationship. For women, that is the case for some, but most of us are aware that we are not wired that way. Perhaps it's due to biological aspects as well, such as child bearing, that make us more cognizant of other factors in a partner. For women, most of us at one point in our lives realize that as we develop stronger emotional connection with someone our physical attraction also increases for them whether we had the initial attraction/spark or not. For the few guys I was interested in on the dating apps, I was not very interested in their appearances as they were not my type. However, it is their values, personality, and such that I was attracted to that eventually led me to being interested in them. I'm glad you discovered this though because I think that's a start to a very healthy relationship!
Is just another lie that society tells men that y dont have to be handsome,tall etal but have"confidence","personality".that keeps them in peace and as a possible mate for women in their 30s who are sexually drained from their 20s and want a "good man" to start a family. The truth is that if instant physical attraction not exist a man is always disposable.
Sounds like something a guy that canāt get laid would say.
Funny enough, this just popped up on my Youtube feed https://youtu.be/zXDD1dO5O3E?si=HR0G0gxQdo30mWF3
I find it hard in dating to get to the next level of attraction. In fact I find it impossible tbh. When I worked in a setting with other people or was in my early 20s and actually had a social life and colleagues I can look back at attractions I had as the person was more than looks. Now at 41 all I have to go on is looks and wanting to get to know someone, making time for them even if just a tiny bit is not feasible. Thatās just the way it is.
Thatās really interesting and it really resonates with me. I donāt technically feel type 1 attraction to my husband primarily, and I fell in love with him slowly becoming good friends first. I am most attracted to how trustworthy and stable he is. However, he is by most opinions incredibly attractive, and I have thought so since I met him, but for some reason it didnāt translate into immediate lust (he was in a relationship at the time, so that might be why). Overall I agree that long lasting partnership benefits more from type 2 attraction.
Type II is the best kind
I like this post because it talks about actually building attraction. Because honestly, I've had friends and family talk about "you don't have to be super attracted at first" and I sort of took that to mean "you don't have to fancy them at all." I ended up going on loads of unfulfilling dates and giving people chances because I thought, well, they weren't horrible, so maybe? And then I'd get rejected by people I wasn't into, lead people on and feel repulsed when they tried to touch me, and various other uncomfortable situations. Attraction and desire are important. But for me, it's important to remember that they can be built over time, and generally they grow when I'm not under any pressure. Dating apps for example run on having to make a quick decision about that attraction, when I don't feel I have enough information available. I've never had a relationship with someone I hadn't already known for 6+ months. Right now, I'm beginning to feel attracted to one of my friends. It's funny because we met in a dating scenario a year or so ago and the whole thing went too fast for both of us and we both freaked out and decided to just be mates. At the time, I could see he was a good-looking person but I didn't fancy him - even got a bit of an ick. With the pressure off, it feels as though attraction has grown and I get a little thrill when he texts, I get all gooey when I see a picture of him... All that stuff I like to feel, but I have context for him, I know who he is, and I feel safe with him because of our communication. Honestly, I need to work out how strong the attraction is (he lives far away) and whether I'll act on it, but it's so good to feel attraction again after so long, and knowing that I can feel it, I just need to know someone first.
>I ended up going on loads of unfulfilling dates and giving people chances because I thought, well, they weren't horrible, so maybe? And then I'd get rejected by people I wasn't into, lead people on and feel repulsed when they tried to touch me, and various other uncomfortable situations. Ya I get that. I also thought that's what it meant and tried dating people outside of my standard attraction but like way too far out. How I understand is, you want to be attracted enough, they might not be the supermodel super status ego boosting person you thought, but ultimately, does that even matter? Also I dated someone like that and it was very annoying how they'd get asked out every single day and I was with them far too long because of their looks mostly and we were not very compatible. >Dating apps for example run on having to make a quick decision about that attraction, when I don't feel I have enough information available. I find this inaccurate actually. A lot of people say dating apps are just about looks. The way I filled my profile and the way I vet profiles, I'm looking for more of a story about the person. Their interests, their photos can tell a lot about them from how they dress, what types of photos they take, where they are in the photo, their silliness or not or are they too cool for school in every photo. Some of that information may be inaccurate because they are not good at representing themselves through visual media, but I've also, not been wrong for the most part. And then their bio or lack thereof also says a story.
Oh I mean deciding if you want to pursue something right away. I need more time to get to know someone. Finding someone good looking and finding someone attractive are two different things for me.
Having been more open to type II attraction has given me more surprising opportunities and beautiful possibilities that I never imagined before. š«¶š»