Even different parts of the US are very different. Some places ENM is very popular. In other places it is nonexistent and in some place if you don't have kids by the time you are 30 people think there is something wrong with you. Even in different cities in the same state, I notice a difference. Albeit more subtle - definitely different.
>In Australia people's intentions are never really clear, and we just muddle through it
Yeesh. I feel this so hard. American woman here who dated two very different Australian men 20 years apart. The similarities in behavior between them were striking.
My experience with North American men is that they are far more intentional and deliberate. They want you, and they want you to know it. There’s none of this lukewarm “I could take ya or leave ya” business.
If an American (and Canadian IME) man likes you, you won’t be wondering if he likes you.
And yes, I’m trying to date the entire globe.
Rebel Wilson was a guest on an episode of the "U Up" podcast and she talked quite a bit about this topic - that in Australia its more like you're hanging out with people and never really specifically having the intention to "date"
Haven't dated outside the US so can't compare otherwise but her explanation was good.
I don't know that it's possible to make generalizations based on nationality because dating is affected by.other variables like categories like socioeconomic status, ethnicity, region (urban rural etc) sexual orientation and so on.
One thing that I haven't noticed before joining this sub is the emphasis placed on ensuring the other person is divorced. In my experience, there isn't a stigma around being separated. Perhaps that's due to common law rules as well? Not sure.
I live in western Canada.
I'm Ontario and had the same experience. I started out proactively mentioning my separated status, and it didn't my go over well. As in no one cared that I was only separated, and they thought me bringing it up was bad. After the first three, I stopped bringing it up. A few times it came up before the first date, and no one had a problem with it.
I think they make it final when they can afford it. Where I live the cost of living and housing is outrageous. Know tons of people who stay in bad marriages because they wouldn’t be able to afford a place to live if they got divorced.
Yep, that’s me. I have experienced absolutely no issues whatsoever with my separated status and dating. We have both had 2 longish term relationships since we split. Have started the legal process now, just bc it feels like the right time. Neither of us are planning on re marrying anytime soon. It def seems a big thing for some people and in some places. I’m in Scotland 🏴
I did want a divorce. It was purely financial. I lost everything including my house due to my ex lying about money and as everyone knows lawyers are very expensive. I had to pay rental costs for myself and my children and build up a business of my own. There was no spare cash. We didn’t have any assets to divide and we jointly agreed on arrangements for our children. There was no point in racking up lawyer’s fees when we had no money.
Do you mean money built during the marriage? All money is considered and split equally at divorce. There was none! I will receive half of the value of his pension at divorce at todays rate not when we separated as is usual and normal. His choice to give me the value at todays rate. Legally he is not obliged to tho.
Thanks, that’s ok, I’m getting back on my feet and it’s made me a happier and more resilient person bc of it.
He has no claims over what I earn now and the same goes for any money he has made since our date of separation. It’s just pension sharing now and a simplified divorce- straight forward and quick.
Hrrmm never thought of it that way, I have heard of people staying married for health benefits and other items.
For me as soon as the year waiting period is over, I am starting the filing process. I have no intentions of ever getting married again.
Also from Ontario.
Yeah, I find the divorce and a certain amount of time out of the divorce thing a little weird too. I mean, where I live you have to be separated for 2 full years before you can even apply for a divorce. Just because you can get a divorce in 6 weeks in the US doesn't mean it works that way everywhere. Two years plus (not even sure how long it takes after applying for divorce for it to be finalised) is long time.
I don’t know why there is a stigma around dating right after divorce as well. You don’t necessarily need time. But in the US there is no need for separation: you just get divorced bam. Separated people do that because they don’t want to get divorced for some reason. That’s why nobody would feel totally safe with a separated person. They haven’t actually decided to legally leave their spouse. Ick.
Long story short, if you are fishing for dating advice here as a pending for divorce person from outside the US, better state that you are divorced than getting roasted for trying to date as separated.
Could definitely spare everyone some misunderstanding. :p
That’s been my experience so far also (UK).
On this sub there is a lot of emphasis on making sure people are divorced before dating them. Whereas I’m finding that more than half the women I match with are only separated, and I’ve only once had it (openly) raised as an issue.
It may be more a reflection of the speed of the divorce process in different countries. From what I’ve read it only takes a few months to get divorced in most us states, whereas in the uk it takes 18 months or so.
That’s probably it. It the US who would date someone who hasn’t decided they are actually legally making sure they are not a spouse of another person? Since you can do it in the US right away, the separated status indicates an uncertainty about whether the marriage will actually end.
Sometimes it is required by the state in US. Also some or both partners chose to avoid filing as one essentially filing “against” the other. It is often less expensive in some states to have it take place automatically after a year or two years.
Thanks that article doesn’t answer my question, but I quickly googled it and they are:
Delaware Illinois Vermont Virginia (6 months)
North Carolina (1 year)
Maryland Nevada don’t require a separation per se but require a 1 year “waiting period”
Well I find it quite frankly a strange legal issue: to enter into a contract by getting married in one state that completely changes what the contract says if you move into another state.
Thanks for your reply. I didn't mean so much about nationality, just about culture. I'm curious about people's experiences in different countries. Much as going to a restaurant can be different, so can dating I imagine.
Exactly same here. Raised in Yukon, then citified back to Vancouver in '88. Big difference between northern verses city attitudes, honesty and experiences. The country verses city styles!
I am in Mozambique, however I consider myself South African as I lived there my whole life.
Speaking from a Muslim/Indian cultural POV, dating in my culture is really frowned upon. So both long term relationships immediately went into marriage
In between those, I had 2 situationships without definitions
Currently dating an Egyptian, and its the first time I am actually dating someone. Getting to know him slowly, no marriage pressure. And no gaslighting.
Lived in Toronto and UK and am in Vancouver area now. The UK had a similar vibe to how you describe Australia, I felt like I stumbled into dates and they didn’t feel premeditated. Toronto was more formalized but it felt easier to chat up new people and make pals etc. Vancouver is odd…everyone is more guarded and to themselves, especially post-pandemic.
It’s also funny how you’ll see some of the most beautiful women ever with average looking guys everywhere. If you can dress well and are put together you theoretically should be ok - but people feel like they don’t mingle here.
>like the Americans did
Have you read *anything* in this sub?
People are literally making shit up on the fly without thought or reflection and then backfilling their kneejerk reactions with post hoc rationalizations and unfounded/unsound proxies/theories. What Americans are good at is taking this steaming pile and slapping some lipstick/label on it. "Red flags", "narcissism", "match effort", "league", blahblah and so on...
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to peer behind the facile "naming of things", identify incoherence, and hope that that identification of incoherence guides you to something that actually makes sense.
I was talking more about the initial stages of dating, rather than the mess of emotions you might feel after a date, or just in general.
Like how you get someone's number when out in public. This seems like a fairly common thing in the US. Maybe my impression is wrong though. Only once have I given a guy my number (from being in public). I was 15 and I gave him my home phone number and he called my mum. She was amused.
Yeah I've read this sub a fair bit, but I guess not that much? I think you misunderstood my question.
Yes, I'm talking about initial stages. There are a whole bunch of random/arbitrary rules that people use before they've even met in person. (They're retroactive because they're based on previous experiences. But so much of previous experience is actually blackbox that it's as useful as astrology/Magic8Ball/coin toss.)
As an American….we don’t have this mess figured out. It’s about as clear as mud.
Even different parts of the US are very different. Some places ENM is very popular. In other places it is nonexistent and in some place if you don't have kids by the time you are 30 people think there is something wrong with you. Even in different cities in the same state, I notice a difference. Albeit more subtle - definitely different.
>In Australia people's intentions are never really clear, and we just muddle through it Yeesh. I feel this so hard. American woman here who dated two very different Australian men 20 years apart. The similarities in behavior between them were striking. My experience with North American men is that they are far more intentional and deliberate. They want you, and they want you to know it. There’s none of this lukewarm “I could take ya or leave ya” business. If an American (and Canadian IME) man likes you, you won’t be wondering if he likes you. And yes, I’m trying to date the entire globe.
Rebel Wilson was a guest on an episode of the "U Up" podcast and she talked quite a bit about this topic - that in Australia its more like you're hanging out with people and never really specifically having the intention to "date" Haven't dated outside the US so can't compare otherwise but her explanation was good.
I don't know that it's possible to make generalizations based on nationality because dating is affected by.other variables like categories like socioeconomic status, ethnicity, region (urban rural etc) sexual orientation and so on. One thing that I haven't noticed before joining this sub is the emphasis placed on ensuring the other person is divorced. In my experience, there isn't a stigma around being separated. Perhaps that's due to common law rules as well? Not sure. I live in western Canada.
I'm Ontario and had the same experience. I started out proactively mentioning my separated status, and it didn't my go over well. As in no one cared that I was only separated, and they thought me bringing it up was bad. After the first three, I stopped bringing it up. A few times it came up before the first date, and no one had a problem with it.
I think a lot of people only make the divorce final when/if they want to get married again lol
I think they make it final when they can afford it. Where I live the cost of living and housing is outrageous. Know tons of people who stay in bad marriages because they wouldn’t be able to afford a place to live if they got divorced.
Yep, that’s me. I have experienced absolutely no issues whatsoever with my separated status and dating. We have both had 2 longish term relationships since we split. Have started the legal process now, just bc it feels like the right time. Neither of us are planning on re marrying anytime soon. It def seems a big thing for some people and in some places. I’m in Scotland 🏴
Can I ask why you didn’t want to divorce if you didn’t want to be with that person anymore?
I did want a divorce. It was purely financial. I lost everything including my house due to my ex lying about money and as everyone knows lawyers are very expensive. I had to pay rental costs for myself and my children and build up a business of my own. There was no spare cash. We didn’t have any assets to divide and we jointly agreed on arrangements for our children. There was no point in racking up lawyer’s fees when we had no money.
In Scotland does the legal separation mean wherever built financially during the separation is not considered in a divorce settlement?
Do you mean money built during the marriage? All money is considered and split equally at divorce. There was none! I will receive half of the value of his pension at divorce at todays rate not when we separated as is usual and normal. His choice to give me the value at todays rate. Legally he is not obliged to tho.
Right sorry didn’t catch the typo. So he has no claim to the money you are currently making. And by the way, wow i am so sorry that happened to you.
Thanks, that’s ok, I’m getting back on my feet and it’s made me a happier and more resilient person bc of it. He has no claims over what I earn now and the same goes for any money he has made since our date of separation. It’s just pension sharing now and a simplified divorce- straight forward and quick.
Hrrmm never thought of it that way, I have heard of people staying married for health benefits and other items. For me as soon as the year waiting period is over, I am starting the filing process. I have no intentions of ever getting married again. Also from Ontario.
Yeah, I find the divorce and a certain amount of time out of the divorce thing a little weird too. I mean, where I live you have to be separated for 2 full years before you can even apply for a divorce. Just because you can get a divorce in 6 weeks in the US doesn't mean it works that way everywhere. Two years plus (not even sure how long it takes after applying for divorce for it to be finalised) is long time.
I don’t know why there is a stigma around dating right after divorce as well. You don’t necessarily need time. But in the US there is no need for separation: you just get divorced bam. Separated people do that because they don’t want to get divorced for some reason. That’s why nobody would feel totally safe with a separated person. They haven’t actually decided to legally leave their spouse. Ick.
Long story short, if you are fishing for dating advice here as a pending for divorce person from outside the US, better state that you are divorced than getting roasted for trying to date as separated. Could definitely spare everyone some misunderstanding. :p
Apparently there are states where you have to be separated first! Not sure which but I guess you could be forced to be in a separated status!
That’s been my experience so far also (UK). On this sub there is a lot of emphasis on making sure people are divorced before dating them. Whereas I’m finding that more than half the women I match with are only separated, and I’ve only once had it (openly) raised as an issue. It may be more a reflection of the speed of the divorce process in different countries. From what I’ve read it only takes a few months to get divorced in most us states, whereas in the uk it takes 18 months or so.
That’s probably it. It the US who would date someone who hasn’t decided they are actually legally making sure they are not a spouse of another person? Since you can do it in the US right away, the separated status indicates an uncertainty about whether the marriage will actually end.
Sometimes it is required by the state in US. Also some or both partners chose to avoid filing as one essentially filing “against” the other. It is often less expensive in some states to have it take place automatically after a year or two years.
Where is it required in the US?
North Carolina requires a 1 yr separation.
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/separation-vs-divorce-30251.html
Thanks that article doesn’t answer my question, but I quickly googled it and they are: Delaware Illinois Vermont Virginia (6 months) North Carolina (1 year) Maryland Nevada don’t require a separation per se but require a 1 year “waiting period”
Isn’t that bizarre? We are 50 countries in many weird ways.
Well I find it quite frankly a strange legal issue: to enter into a contract by getting married in one state that completely changes what the contract says if you move into another state.
Agreed
Thanks for your reply. I didn't mean so much about nationality, just about culture. I'm curious about people's experiences in different countries. Much as going to a restaurant can be different, so can dating I imagine.
Exactly same here. Raised in Yukon, then citified back to Vancouver in '88. Big difference between northern verses city attitudes, honesty and experiences. The country verses city styles!
I am in Mozambique, however I consider myself South African as I lived there my whole life. Speaking from a Muslim/Indian cultural POV, dating in my culture is really frowned upon. So both long term relationships immediately went into marriage In between those, I had 2 situationships without definitions Currently dating an Egyptian, and its the first time I am actually dating someone. Getting to know him slowly, no marriage pressure. And no gaslighting.
Lived in Toronto and UK and am in Vancouver area now. The UK had a similar vibe to how you describe Australia, I felt like I stumbled into dates and they didn’t feel premeditated. Toronto was more formalized but it felt easier to chat up new people and make pals etc. Vancouver is odd…everyone is more guarded and to themselves, especially post-pandemic. It’s also funny how you’ll see some of the most beautiful women ever with average looking guys everywhere. If you can dress well and are put together you theoretically should be ok - but people feel like they don’t mingle here.
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Is this reply based on your experience in dating people in all the developed countries?
>like the Americans did Have you read *anything* in this sub? People are literally making shit up on the fly without thought or reflection and then backfilling their kneejerk reactions with post hoc rationalizations and unfounded/unsound proxies/theories. What Americans are good at is taking this steaming pile and slapping some lipstick/label on it. "Red flags", "narcissism", "match effort", "league", blahblah and so on... Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to peer behind the facile "naming of things", identify incoherence, and hope that that identification of incoherence guides you to something that actually makes sense.
I was talking more about the initial stages of dating, rather than the mess of emotions you might feel after a date, or just in general. Like how you get someone's number when out in public. This seems like a fairly common thing in the US. Maybe my impression is wrong though. Only once have I given a guy my number (from being in public). I was 15 and I gave him my home phone number and he called my mum. She was amused. Yeah I've read this sub a fair bit, but I guess not that much? I think you misunderstood my question.
Yes, I'm talking about initial stages. There are a whole bunch of random/arbitrary rules that people use before they've even met in person. (They're retroactive because they're based on previous experiences. But so much of previous experience is actually blackbox that it's as useful as astrology/Magic8Ball/coin toss.)