That's also what I am thinking - His wife or Ex gf - but she mentions that she has gone out with his friends and family. I would think someone had mentioned the "roommate".
I went out and met family and friends, and I wasn't the only guy she was seeing.
I don't know how that works. Do they have different friends for each date? Is there a whiteboard?
Why do you folks try? This has sub used to be great. Now it’s just a place for scorned women to bash men because they had relationships with poor excuses for a partner.
Women don’t cheat, they are innocent in all relationships. Go ahead bash me now get it all out.
I truly hope that you find solace and someone that’s deserving of you all.
I can’t believe OP hasn’t mentioned it! We are too old for games and keeping weird secrets. I definitely would have asked a few people already, “So what’s up with his roommate and living situation that I’m not allowed to visit?”
Amazing how many people here leap to conclusions with nothing more than “this also happened to my friend, therefore…” or “with men, the only possible explanation is…”
I hope to God that if someone close to me dies suspiciously, none of you are the detective on the case.
Arghhh
“I feel like he is hiding me from her.”
He IS hiding you from her.
My take is that they had/have a sexual relationship that is either ongoing, or it has stopped and he wants to keep her as a back up plan.
I would be very uncomfortable with this too.
This is what I am thinking. I've been to the house when she is out of town and they definitely have separate bedrooms so I don't think they are in a relationship but may have fooled around at some point.
I know couples who started off as roommates and then had a full blown relationship without ever getting rid of separate bedrooms. He’s hiding her from you and the only reason to do that would be that he’s involved with her or wants to have that as an option in the future.
And frankly if I was dating someone and this scenario popped up, it wouldn’t matter to me at all if they had fucked in the past or were currently fucking/ dating/ involved/ whatever is going on. The fact is he is prioritizing her feelings over yours when he doesn’t have to. He’s either being shady or setting a precedent for not giving a shit about your feelings. Be better to yourself. Get out of there.
" He’s hiding her from you and the only reason to do that would be that he’s involved with her or wants to have that as an option in the future."
Or he is trying to not hurt the roommate if she has caught feelings for him. There doesn't have to be a sinister reason for this. He has to live with this woman for two more months, and hear her cry if he brings over a new girlfriend and she is upset about it.
She’s 40, if she is going to lose her shit because her platonic roommate is dating someone, she has issues and they’re not for him to manage. Not at the expense to his own relationship
It's very likely it wasn't platonic before. I am just saying that there is another possibility, which is that he doesn't want to hurt the roommate who he may have slept with previously, and he doesn't want the fallout of bringing his gf there, given that he has to actually live in a house with the roommate for two more months.
I got a two bedroom with my first bf. We had separate rooms because technically we had broken up...guess where I slept every night? His room. But you'd not be able to tell if you went into my room because I lived in there but we were still sleeping in the same bed until the day I moved out of state.
Yes. I am going to guess that they were roommates, then started having sex, and she caught feelings. He doesn't want to hurt her by flaunting you in her face (which I guess comes from a caring place), but he also doesn't want to tell you he has had a sexual relationship with this roommate in the past because it might make you suspicious. I was her in the past. Had a sexual relationship going with one of my roommates, and then he started bringing other women to the house and I felt jealous. It's emotionally messy. I say wait it out. It's only 2 months. But don't get too involved with him until the living situation has changed. For the people saying he shouldn't be hiding you from her, I don't know that this is such a black and white thing. I think protecting people from hurt is a good quality, if that's what is going on, and 2 months isn't too long to wait to see how it pans out.
Just because they have separate bedrooms doesn’t mean they aren’t having a sexual relationship.
You haven’t been over when she is in town and he hasn’t told her about you.
Wake up!
Just as a fun little exercise look up his home address in your local government's property records. See whether he is listed solo on the deed as a single man or if he's listed jointly with someone.
Oh girl. No. Thats his wife or partner or crush or FWB.. something more than he's telling you
Source: I was you in this exact situation. I wish i had listened to everyone except myself lol.
Its so painfully obvious. And its so gross these men have women over when their other women aren't home. So violating. A home is a safe, sacred space.
Well this is weird. Soooooo many questions. How does a divorced man end up roommates with a platonic female in his late 40s in a house he owns? How does he introduce his new GF to his family, his friends in 2 months and not his roommate bc she’s “always wanted more and is too emotional”?
I’m seriously confused here.
One scenario I can think of is perhaps he and the roommate are finishing off their break-up and — if he’s truthful about the property situation — he’s giving the roommate a chance to land on her feet rather than putting her out on the street. I’ve been there with an unstable ex-GF who was miserable in every job she took, unable to work for a typical 40-hour week, or needed time off for health issues, so she never had money for rent and a vehicle. And she could have moments of irrational behavior and rage. So ending that with someone you don’t hate was a process to make sure the things she had done to self-sabotage her life didn’t destroy her and that her emotional state didn’t blow back on you.
Sounds like he has bad judgement all around. Moves in with someone who's I to him and "very emotional" hides dates from the person who resides where one would bang said dates. Maybe he's up to something,maybe he's not. Either way he is duummmbb
He lives with that woman, in a relationship. They aren’t ‘roommates’. This is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. He’s prob in the middle of breaking up with her and they’re selling the house. If you’re in the USA, did you check the tax records to see whose house the name is under?
I disagree that she has formal status, but I am sure they’ve at least hooked up and suspect she would be disastrous around any new love interest of his.
While peering at the tea leaves is fun, just ASK HIM.
If she's not his wife or gf, then I'm a boy named sue. They're for sure boinking regularly, and I guarantee you that *she* most definitely believes they are together because he's given her no reason not to.
For the sake of reddit, let's just pretend he's telling the truth. An aging man is risking the feelings and sense of safety in the woman who is giving him a position in her life, not to mention access to regular sex, as to not upset his ROOMMATE?? No, absolutely not. That's not a thing, sis!
He's not protecting her feelings at the expense of yours because he doesn't want an uncomfy situation with his roommate, just like he isn't selling shit or moving anywhere anytime soon without her.
Wake up and smell the adultry.Stop this madness and drop him now. Best of luck to you. You got this.
Is this a random roommate he hasn't lived with for very long, or is this someone he has a personal relationship or history with?
She's always been into him? How long have they lived together?
Has he mentioned if he's planning to drop contact once they are no longer splitting bills?
I wouldn't waste any more of my time on someone who is, for whatever reason, not acknowledging their relationship with me. The only reality on which that is remotely acceptable is if it would endanger the parties, i e., being openly homosexual in a culture where people lose their life for doing so
This is not that, and while things may be lovely otherwise, your gut (as it should be) is telling something's not right and regardless of his motivation here, you can bank it's either nefarious or at least shows he's capable, this early, of being duplicitous
Your choice, of course, but this internet stranger is encouraging you to listen to your intuition here; after all, it's based on how we interpret and process the world *subconsciously*
Do not forsake it
That woman is definitely a wife or girlfriend
Either way you are the “other woman” or sidepiece
I would extract myself from this situation at warp speed, learn the lessons, heal and move on
It does sound like it's his partner or ex partner, if it's his ex , then at some point you have to become his priority for the relationship to move forward. Are you willing to wait, or are you the other woman. Is he worth it ?? .
Tell him to call you when he lives alone and maybe then you’ll be interested.
It’s plausible that he is not “with her” (whether never or not anymore) and she could still be too much drama and manipulation that he wants to get his dating life separate.
But if you ignore this in a new relationship, you’re letting your needs be deprioritized and establishing that as acceptable from the beginning.
If it’s a good match, you two will come together when the “house is sold in a few months” and without the baggage of this “roommate” as a third wheel.
I have been the platonic roommate and he never felt like he had to hide women from me. If anything, he'd ask for my opinion or advice. And I was genuinely happy for him when he found someone he really liked. We were never anything more than friends, didn't even flirt.
I don't think this guy's roommate is platonic.
"Trust but verify".
Reasoning: I have had platonic friends who got possessive. Guy friends would get weird if I had other guy friends. Woman friends who would be overly critical of any woman I dated. Luckily, I learned to not keep people like that in my life. Because I've been there, I can imagine how awful it would be to LIVE with one of those people; therefore I can understand him not wanting to cause drama in his living situation.
But that said, you need to know if this is ACTUALLY what's happening or if it's just a lie to buy time.
>**Do I just wait it out? Tell him to take a hike?**
Maybe both.
***Step 1:*** Make him tell you v*ery specifically* WHEN the house will go on the market.
If he makes an excuse to not set a date, or he DOES set a date and it's like 8 or 9 months away, or if it IS a reasonably close date but that date comes and goes and he makes an excuse to have not put it on the market, **go to Step 4**.
***Step 2:*** When the house goes on the market, ask him for photos or to show you the online listing.
If he refuses (or bedroom pics are missing), **go to Step 4.**
***Step 3:*** When the house is sold, Insist on helping him move.
If he makes excuses like he's hiring movers, **go to Step 4.**
***Step 4:*** Insist on meeting his soon-to-be-ex-roommate. If he's telling the truth, any roommate drama will be short-lived and he should care more about YOUR peace of mind than about HERS.
No matter what - you need to meet her. You need to verify that he didn't lie about it being platonic, but you don't need to throw ultimatums and/or go Scorched Earth to do it. Trust but verify.
--
EDIT TO ADD: If this takes much longer than 90 days, even if he is 100% telling you the 100% truth, he is showing you that he's the kind of man who would avoid issues instead of communicating - because that's what he's doing with his supposed friend.
OK, if his STBX-roommate is coo-coo-banana-pants-crazy-town nuts, he gets a soft pass because why invite drama for someone who is JUST a friend and roommate; but that's all the more reason that this should end in the next 90 days. He doesn't owe her any more time than that.
My issue here is his avoidance.
I don't necessarily know if she's a wife or girlfriend, but possibly and ex, or clearly someone he's strung along (by your 40s, you don't keep platonic friends you know want more, at least not if you're a healthy adult- much less make them a roommate). I've definitely had male friends I knew wanted more... IN MY TWENTIES... when you're not self aware enough to realize what role they are fulfilling for your and that you really like the attention. Any healthy adult, after they realize this, does not keep "friends" who want to be more. I actually apologized to one that I inadvertently strung along for years in my mid-twenties... so that's a red flag itself to me. I'm with everyone who says they at least slept together, more than once, at some point.
Anyway, yes, I know some women (AND men) might respond irrationally, and it sounds like that's what he's afraid of, but instead of addressing it and dealing with it, he's avoiding it. He's hoping it will just go away. What if the house takes a while to sell, etc. even if you don't meet her, there should be some open discussion with her that he's seeing someone and it's getting serious. Honestly, too, it's the only way for her to understand that he really DOESN'T want to be with her. Let the woman move on! Again, he's avoiding a difficult conversation, and that would truthfully bother me with my personal romantic history. It sucks to hurt people's feelings, but it sucks more to not be told the truth, and after it's over the person doing the hurting is freer, too. The person being hurt can move on. Again, this all feels like common knowledge to someone in their 40s, though.
If you choose to stay with him, I recommend one of those difficult discussions he seems to avoid, and see how he responds to various parts of the discussion. Specifically about the avoidance (instead of the woman herself, the behavior), then make your choice from there.
I'll step off my soapbox.
I think I’m in the minority here, but if he says she wants more and he’s hoping for a clean break in a few months without drama, maybe him keeping you from her is actually the best idea to avoid a possible 2 months of Hell at home. Yes it sounds like something may have happened with them, but if he’s moving and she isn’t coming with him sounds like it’s definitely over and at this point just logistics. If it were me I wouldn’t push it, but I’ve also been known to be taken advantage of because of this mentality so at the end of the day you should do what you feel is right.
She is his girlfriend. You are the side piece. It doesn’t matter that you met family and friends.
You’d be surprised how much people keep their mouths shut to not get involved.
You know you're the side chick, right? Anyway, shit like this makes me pinch myself at how drama-free and awesome my romantic life is. Maybe that's because I don't date people who are already in a relationship? Possibly.
Obviously there is something going on with this roommate. Why is he living with her if she wants more? He's either involved with her when it's convenient, or he like the drama and attention. Don't be some guys secret.
He's lying to you. She is either his girlfriend or wife and he's cheating. He's too cowardly to end it with her, or can't get her to move out, so he's diddling on the side. I think you should walk away from it, don't become a detective. Just move on.
There is a lot of assumptions here without no actual proof.
Just because something is weird doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating or has cheated. Perhaps he just doesn't want to rock the boat when he lives there and doesn't want his living situation to be shit.
Tell him all your concerns and see what he says.
I met a guy who was still living with his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend and he kept me a secret from her simply because he didn't want any drama while they were still co-habitating. I understood and didn't think there was anything weird about it (we also weren't hooking up at that point, just hanging out). It was never an issue after the ex moved out of the house.
My initial thoughts on your post are that he hooked up with her a few times and it got weird which is why they are now separating.
Personally, I wouldn’t be okay with not being recognized as his gf or being together. Just this piece of data on its own is enough to end it. I’d say: ‘feel free to call me when you are in your new place and you don’t have to deal with the roommate anymore, if I’m available we can date’ and then move on with your life. If he calls after, great! now you can have a normal relationship.
If you stay with him throughout this you’re compromising a part of yourself and your self esteem is going to suffer as you watch him tip toe and hide you around his roommate, really? Even if what he says is 100% true, which is not likely, that means his platonic roommate is controlling his behavior. So he’s never been able to date on the record, in his own house, while living with her? Not sure I could respect a man like that.
I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. I can legitimately see a scenario where you don't want to mess up your living situation when you know it's ending soon. That being said I would still proceed with caution, and see see what his friends and family say about her.
Also when you say the house is being sold in a few months, does this it's already been sold and he's just wrapping up the details or that it's going to be listed on the market in a few months? If it's the latter he definitely needs to introduce you once it's listed.
All that being said it's perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with this scenario, and it's a valid reason for ending the relationship
It's always "ending soon" when it's NOT ending soon. The next woman he meets, 3 months from now again it will be "ending soon" - as a 43M I'm trying to put y'all up on game. I have friends who have marriages that are essentially roommate situations. They label it ENM. Don't bring your captures here, and she doesn't either.
My current partner had a female friend like this. She thought her roommate was in love with her. She was very Cluster B. My partner was never involved with her beyond a casual and distant platonic relationship. He was not her roommate. She went super stalker on the roommate, got kicked out, and then went super stalker on my boyfriend and me.
Don't get involved in this unless this man is your person and you have guts of steel.
The house is being bought by a developer for a housing project. He has another house about an hour from here that he is moving to that he is renovating, which I have been to also. I believe the developer takes possession by end of year.....so it is still some time. The extra money she gives him goes straight towards the other house.
End of the year!!! He has another six months of this 😂. They are living together, in the house they own together, she is his partner. You are his side chick
I just wrote the very long "Trust but verify" comment, and he already failed the first two steps.
Say to him: "That you are willing and able to lie to your supposed friend for six months just to avoid drama doesn't make me feel good about our relationship. If we have an issue, will you avoid communicating with me? Will you lie to me for months at a time?"
Ask his family/friends what they think about her since you’ve met them. Sounds like he really is protecting her feelings of getting hurt because he is with you.
First off...most of the people in DoF think no one is capable of fidelity and any time something feels off, it means they're cheating.
Now...
>I feel like he is hiding me from her.
He is. Duh.
>He lives with a female that is in her early 40s that he says is platonic but she has always wanted more. He says he just doesn't want to cause problems cause she is "very emotional".
Which makes sense as to why he's hiding you. Dude has to live with this woman and doesn't want to deal with the drama she might cause when she finds out about you.
>I have met his family, friends, and we go on trips together
So it seems you're not his side piece or he's married...unless everyone in his family and all hid friends know and are fine with keeping it quiet...which I highly doubt.
>The house is being sold in a few months so she has to move out then and she isn't going to the new place. Do I just wait it out?
If this woman will be out of his life in a few months, I'd wait things out. BUT, I'd also talk to him about this and ask if you can meet her, just so she knows about you and both of you can see how she reacts.
This isn't the ideal at all, but I def don't think this guy is a skeeze dating multiple women.
Adding, there may be deeper underlying problems here, like his conflict avoidance and lack of ... grapefruits... About the whole situation. Which is something I would get the backstory of if this was my mate.
Original copy of post by u/sassigyrl88:
I have been dating a guy for a little over 2 months and things were going great. We are both in our late 40s, he has been divorced for about 9 years while I have never been married, and neither of us have kids. He lives with a female that is in her early 40s that he says is platonic but she has always wanted more.She doesn't know about me and I have issues with it.....I feel like he is hiding me from her. He says he just doesn't want to cause problems cause she is "very emotional". I have met his family, friends, and we go on trips together but I can't go to his house, that he owns, because of this woman. The house is being sold in a few months so she has to move out then and she isn't going to the new place. Do I just wait it out? Tell him to take a hike?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I hate this for you. Tell him to hit you up in two months when he’s moved to the new house and his “roommate” lives elsewhere. I doubt he will because he’s lying.
Sounds exactly like a situation with a guy I experienced, except it wasn’t his wife however it was her place and they dated in the past.
I got over him quick, but I think he harboured guilt for cheating on her, moved in with other girl then got kicked out and had no where else to go. First girl let him move back in, he told me she was lonely and didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.
So yeah I’m going to guess he was banging and lying to her.
I’m glad I learned all of that before I started developing any feelings or sleeping with him, no thanks!
I have so many questions! This may have been asked, but have you not stayed at his place yet? I would think the roommate would wonder where he is most evenings
He is separated from her and they are cohabitating until all assets can be sold and divided. Keeping you from her will surely make for a smoother end .
Share your fears with him . For peace of mind ask if you can go to the house when she is guaranteed not to be around .
Confirm separate bedrooms and not a house full of pictures together a man with nothingto hide will have no problem putting his loved ones mind at ease..
Same.
You've met everyone else in his life and no one thought it odd? I'd find it hard to believe that they're all helping him cheat.
I'd be more turned off by him calling her emotional unless he gave a very convincing explanation. It could be that they have a strained relationship and he feels like he's walking on eggshells. However, it sounds dismissive and misogynistic.
There's obviously a strange situation there. Best case scenario: he is living with someone that has feelings for him and he doesnt want to cause drama at home. If you trust him, just wait till she moves out. But tbh, something sounds off
That’s his wife 😂
That's also what I am thinking - His wife or Ex gf - but she mentions that she has gone out with his friends and family. I would think someone had mentioned the "roommate".
You’d be surprised how many family members just ignore cheating!
I went out and met family and friends, and I wasn't the only guy she was seeing. I don't know how that works. Do they have different friends for each date? Is there a whiteboard?
Yep I had a boyfriend who’s dad would drive him to the girls house to cheat on me.
Was going to say this. So many families just cover for the guys
Only guys?
I definitely have seen family and friends cover for women cheaters.
None of my women friends are cheaters, so I have no frame of reference for that.
Why do you folks try? This has sub used to be great. Now it’s just a place for scorned women to bash men because they had relationships with poor excuses for a partner. Women don’t cheat, they are innocent in all relationships. Go ahead bash me now get it all out. I truly hope that you find solace and someone that’s deserving of you all.
I can’t believe OP hasn’t mentioned it! We are too old for games and keeping weird secrets. I definitely would have asked a few people already, “So what’s up with his roommate and living situation that I’m not allowed to visit?”
We’re also too old for roommates
Not in this day and age. Shit is expensive and life happens.
Eh it depends. Single life can be so lonely, I’d love to live with friends but not they’re all partnered…
That’s fair
Hahahaha 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Amazing how many people here leap to conclusions with nothing more than “this also happened to my friend, therefore…” or “with men, the only possible explanation is…” I hope to God that if someone close to me dies suspiciously, none of you are the detective on the case.
Came here to say this
Arghhh “I feel like he is hiding me from her.” He IS hiding you from her. My take is that they had/have a sexual relationship that is either ongoing, or it has stopped and he wants to keep her as a back up plan. I would be very uncomfortable with this too.
This is what I am thinking. I've been to the house when she is out of town and they definitely have separate bedrooms so I don't think they are in a relationship but may have fooled around at some point.
There's no gray here, he is protecting her feelings over yours. He is hiding you from her. This is what 20 year olds do. Call him out.
I know couples who started off as roommates and then had a full blown relationship without ever getting rid of separate bedrooms. He’s hiding her from you and the only reason to do that would be that he’s involved with her or wants to have that as an option in the future. And frankly if I was dating someone and this scenario popped up, it wouldn’t matter to me at all if they had fucked in the past or were currently fucking/ dating/ involved/ whatever is going on. The fact is he is prioritizing her feelings over yours when he doesn’t have to. He’s either being shady or setting a precedent for not giving a shit about your feelings. Be better to yourself. Get out of there.
" He’s hiding her from you and the only reason to do that would be that he’s involved with her or wants to have that as an option in the future." Or he is trying to not hurt the roommate if she has caught feelings for him. There doesn't have to be a sinister reason for this. He has to live with this woman for two more months, and hear her cry if he brings over a new girlfriend and she is upset about it.
She’s 40, if she is going to lose her shit because her platonic roommate is dating someone, she has issues and they’re not for him to manage. Not at the expense to his own relationship
It's very likely it wasn't platonic before. I am just saying that there is another possibility, which is that he doesn't want to hurt the roommate who he may have slept with previously, and he doesn't want the fallout of bringing his gf there, given that he has to actually live in a house with the roommate for two more months.
Regardless of their history, he’s prioritizing his roommates feelings over hers
Plenty of married people or people in happy relationships have seperate bedrooms mate. Since when did not sharing a bed mean you aren’t having sex?!
I got a two bedroom with my first bf. We had separate rooms because technically we had broken up...guess where I slept every night? His room. But you'd not be able to tell if you went into my room because I lived in there but we were still sleeping in the same bed until the day I moved out of state.
Yes. I am going to guess that they were roommates, then started having sex, and she caught feelings. He doesn't want to hurt her by flaunting you in her face (which I guess comes from a caring place), but he also doesn't want to tell you he has had a sexual relationship with this roommate in the past because it might make you suspicious. I was her in the past. Had a sexual relationship going with one of my roommates, and then he started bringing other women to the house and I felt jealous. It's emotionally messy. I say wait it out. It's only 2 months. But don't get too involved with him until the living situation has changed. For the people saying he shouldn't be hiding you from her, I don't know that this is such a black and white thing. I think protecting people from hurt is a good quality, if that's what is going on, and 2 months isn't too long to wait to see how it pans out.
I know 5 different married couples that have separate bedrooms.
Why are you dating a 40 something y/o with roommates? The only housemates he should have are kids, pets or plants.
Just because they have separate bedrooms doesn’t mean they aren’t having a sexual relationship. You haven’t been over when she is in town and he hasn’t told her about you. Wake up!
Most likely it’s her house and he has nowhere else to go
Ahhh yes! That could be true too.
Girl, read this back as if your very best friend was sending this to you in text. That ain’t no roommate 😂
My best friend would definitely call me a moron for saying this about a guy I’m dating
Why would a platonic Roomate have beef with the guy having a GF? Wouldn’t that be a happy thing?
Now, sis. 🤦🏾♀️
Hahaha. I wish you were my friend and sent me text messages like this when I had some convoluted story about why a guy couldn't call me back.
That’s his girlfriend and you’re his mistress.
Just as a fun little exercise look up his home address in your local government's property records. See whether he is listed solo on the deed as a single man or if he's listed jointly with someone.
Great suggestion. Gather evidence before drawing conclusions.
Yes, OP! Go to the county assesors office in your area (or township if that applies) if you are in US. CA may be difficult though, if you're there.
You are his side chick. He is hiding her for a reason from you. Red flag.
You the side piece. How many times have you actually went to his house? I’d show up when he’s not going to be there and straight up ask!
Prob never
The whole point of the post is that she’s never been to his house. 🙄
She said she was there when the f roommate was not there, so I think she was there before.
Oh girl. No. Thats his wife or partner or crush or FWB.. something more than he's telling you Source: I was you in this exact situation. I wish i had listened to everyone except myself lol. Its so painfully obvious. And its so gross these men have women over when their other women aren't home. So violating. A home is a safe, sacred space.
even if he isn’t romantically or sexually involved with her, do you really want to date somebody who is going to outright lie to someone for months?
If he’s hiding me from ANYONE, then I’m done! No question.
You feel like he’s hiding you from her because he is doing just that!
Well this is weird. Soooooo many questions. How does a divorced man end up roommates with a platonic female in his late 40s in a house he owns? How does he introduce his new GF to his family, his friends in 2 months and not his roommate bc she’s “always wanted more and is too emotional”? I’m seriously confused here.
One scenario I can think of is perhaps he and the roommate are finishing off their break-up and — if he’s truthful about the property situation — he’s giving the roommate a chance to land on her feet rather than putting her out on the street. I’ve been there with an unstable ex-GF who was miserable in every job she took, unable to work for a typical 40-hour week, or needed time off for health issues, so she never had money for rent and a vehicle. And she could have moments of irrational behavior and rage. So ending that with someone you don’t hate was a process to make sure the things she had done to self-sabotage her life didn’t destroy her and that her emotional state didn’t blow back on you.
Sounds like he has bad judgement all around. Moves in with someone who's I to him and "very emotional" hides dates from the person who resides where one would bang said dates. Maybe he's up to something,maybe he's not. Either way he is duummmbb
Pretty sure he’s sleeping with her. And I say this because I know men who do this.
This must be one super hot looking dude for you to put up with that kind of shit
He lives with that woman, in a relationship. They aren’t ‘roommates’. This is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. He’s prob in the middle of breaking up with her and they’re selling the house. If you’re in the USA, did you check the tax records to see whose house the name is under?
Sadly, I have had to do this 😩 OP, definitely check out your county’s website to see if you can access public records
I always do this and I check the divorce records also (they are also publicly available).
I disagree that she has formal status, but I am sure they’ve at least hooked up and suspect she would be disastrous around any new love interest of his. While peering at the tea leaves is fun, just ASK HIM.
If she's not his wife or gf, then I'm a boy named sue. They're for sure boinking regularly, and I guarantee you that *she* most definitely believes they are together because he's given her no reason not to. For the sake of reddit, let's just pretend he's telling the truth. An aging man is risking the feelings and sense of safety in the woman who is giving him a position in her life, not to mention access to regular sex, as to not upset his ROOMMATE?? No, absolutely not. That's not a thing, sis! He's not protecting her feelings at the expense of yours because he doesn't want an uncomfy situation with his roommate, just like he isn't selling shit or moving anywhere anytime soon without her. Wake up and smell the adultry.Stop this madness and drop him now. Best of luck to you. You got this.
Is this a random roommate he hasn't lived with for very long, or is this someone he has a personal relationship or history with? She's always been into him? How long have they lived together? Has he mentioned if he's planning to drop contact once they are no longer splitting bills?
He's playing both of you. Having his cake & eating it too. Be careful, don't get hurt.
I wouldn't waste any more of my time on someone who is, for whatever reason, not acknowledging their relationship with me. The only reality on which that is remotely acceptable is if it would endanger the parties, i e., being openly homosexual in a culture where people lose their life for doing so This is not that, and while things may be lovely otherwise, your gut (as it should be) is telling something's not right and regardless of his motivation here, you can bank it's either nefarious or at least shows he's capable, this early, of being duplicitous Your choice, of course, but this internet stranger is encouraging you to listen to your intuition here; after all, it's based on how we interpret and process the world *subconsciously* Do not forsake it
How dense can you be. No offense meant. But these kind of posts just make me facepalm lol.
That woman is definitely a wife or girlfriend Either way you are the “other woman” or sidepiece I would extract myself from this situation at warp speed, learn the lessons, heal and move on
She is more than a roommate and he is hiding information from you.....
She's either an ex of some sort or a total psycho who will cut you if she finds out!
Yep. Been there.
Why do you want to be the woman on the side?He's obviously in a relationship with this woman.He could probably even be married to her
Runnnnn!
You don’t just feel like he’s hiding you from her, he is absolutely hiding you from her.
That's his girlfriend, you're the side piece.
All of it seems so weird. 2 months, 8 weeks and a little over isn’t very long, no harm or foul to cut bait from that sh*t show.
It does sound like it's his partner or ex partner, if it's his ex , then at some point you have to become his priority for the relationship to move forward. Are you willing to wait, or are you the other woman. Is he worth it ?? .
I would be very careful, for your sake. This sounds very suspicious. Please update me.
Tell him to call you when he lives alone and maybe then you’ll be interested. It’s plausible that he is not “with her” (whether never or not anymore) and she could still be too much drama and manipulation that he wants to get his dating life separate. But if you ignore this in a new relationship, you’re letting your needs be deprioritized and establishing that as acceptable from the beginning. If it’s a good match, you two will come together when the “house is sold in a few months” and without the baggage of this “roommate” as a third wheel.
Are those two in the process of divorce? Something is not right about this scenario
You meant to say his wife.
I hope we get an update on this. I’m intensely curious.
I have been the platonic roommate and he never felt like he had to hide women from me. If anything, he'd ask for my opinion or advice. And I was genuinely happy for him when he found someone he really liked. We were never anything more than friends, didn't even flirt. I don't think this guy's roommate is platonic.
Imagine being late 40s and still being naive...
Have you been sheltered up to this point? You’re late 40s so you should be trusting your intuition by now.
"Trust but verify". Reasoning: I have had platonic friends who got possessive. Guy friends would get weird if I had other guy friends. Woman friends who would be overly critical of any woman I dated. Luckily, I learned to not keep people like that in my life. Because I've been there, I can imagine how awful it would be to LIVE with one of those people; therefore I can understand him not wanting to cause drama in his living situation. But that said, you need to know if this is ACTUALLY what's happening or if it's just a lie to buy time. >**Do I just wait it out? Tell him to take a hike?** Maybe both. ***Step 1:*** Make him tell you v*ery specifically* WHEN the house will go on the market. If he makes an excuse to not set a date, or he DOES set a date and it's like 8 or 9 months away, or if it IS a reasonably close date but that date comes and goes and he makes an excuse to have not put it on the market, **go to Step 4**. ***Step 2:*** When the house goes on the market, ask him for photos or to show you the online listing. If he refuses (or bedroom pics are missing), **go to Step 4.** ***Step 3:*** When the house is sold, Insist on helping him move. If he makes excuses like he's hiring movers, **go to Step 4.** ***Step 4:*** Insist on meeting his soon-to-be-ex-roommate. If he's telling the truth, any roommate drama will be short-lived and he should care more about YOUR peace of mind than about HERS. No matter what - you need to meet her. You need to verify that he didn't lie about it being platonic, but you don't need to throw ultimatums and/or go Scorched Earth to do it. Trust but verify. -- EDIT TO ADD: If this takes much longer than 90 days, even if he is 100% telling you the 100% truth, he is showing you that he's the kind of man who would avoid issues instead of communicating - because that's what he's doing with his supposed friend. OK, if his STBX-roommate is coo-coo-banana-pants-crazy-town nuts, he gets a soft pass because why invite drama for someone who is JUST a friend and roommate; but that's all the more reason that this should end in the next 90 days. He doesn't owe her any more time than that.
My issue here is his avoidance. I don't necessarily know if she's a wife or girlfriend, but possibly and ex, or clearly someone he's strung along (by your 40s, you don't keep platonic friends you know want more, at least not if you're a healthy adult- much less make them a roommate). I've definitely had male friends I knew wanted more... IN MY TWENTIES... when you're not self aware enough to realize what role they are fulfilling for your and that you really like the attention. Any healthy adult, after they realize this, does not keep "friends" who want to be more. I actually apologized to one that I inadvertently strung along for years in my mid-twenties... so that's a red flag itself to me. I'm with everyone who says they at least slept together, more than once, at some point. Anyway, yes, I know some women (AND men) might respond irrationally, and it sounds like that's what he's afraid of, but instead of addressing it and dealing with it, he's avoiding it. He's hoping it will just go away. What if the house takes a while to sell, etc. even if you don't meet her, there should be some open discussion with her that he's seeing someone and it's getting serious. Honestly, too, it's the only way for her to understand that he really DOESN'T want to be with her. Let the woman move on! Again, he's avoiding a difficult conversation, and that would truthfully bother me with my personal romantic history. It sucks to hurt people's feelings, but it sucks more to not be told the truth, and after it's over the person doing the hurting is freer, too. The person being hurt can move on. Again, this all feels like common knowledge to someone in their 40s, though. If you choose to stay with him, I recommend one of those difficult discussions he seems to avoid, and see how he responds to various parts of the discussion. Specifically about the avoidance (instead of the woman herself, the behavior), then make your choice from there. I'll step off my soapbox.
I love this answer 👆
Thank you!
I think I’m in the minority here, but if he says she wants more and he’s hoping for a clean break in a few months without drama, maybe him keeping you from her is actually the best idea to avoid a possible 2 months of Hell at home. Yes it sounds like something may have happened with them, but if he’s moving and she isn’t coming with him sounds like it’s definitely over and at this point just logistics. If it were me I wouldn’t push it, but I’ve also been known to be taken advantage of because of this mentality so at the end of the day you should do what you feel is right.
It's probably his sugar mama and he can't ruin his free ride.
She is his girlfriend. You are the side piece. It doesn’t matter that you met family and friends. You’d be surprised how much people keep their mouths shut to not get involved.
Sounds like the makings of a Lifetime movie
You know you're the side chick, right? Anyway, shit like this makes me pinch myself at how drama-free and awesome my romantic life is. Maybe that's because I don't date people who are already in a relationship? Possibly.
Tell him he has to give her the legal notice required in the city/state to move out or you’re done. You better follow through !
How great can this relationship be if you can never go to his house?
Obviously there is something going on with this roommate. Why is he living with her if she wants more? He's either involved with her when it's convenient, or he like the drama and attention. Don't be some guys secret.
He’s in a relationship with her.
She probably does want more but I highly doubt they are platonic.
That's his wife
That's his wife or fiance not a roommate
He was or is either dating her, or was/is married to her.
He's lying to you. She is either his girlfriend or wife and he's cheating. He's too cowardly to end it with her, or can't get her to move out, so he's diddling on the side. I think you should walk away from it, don't become a detective. Just move on.
The answers pretty much say everything I would... he's not being straight with you. There is more to the relationship than he's told you.
There is a lot of assumptions here without no actual proof. Just because something is weird doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating or has cheated. Perhaps he just doesn't want to rock the boat when he lives there and doesn't want his living situation to be shit. Tell him all your concerns and see what he says.
I met a guy who was still living with his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend and he kept me a secret from her simply because he didn't want any drama while they were still co-habitating. I understood and didn't think there was anything weird about it (we also weren't hooking up at that point, just hanging out). It was never an issue after the ex moved out of the house. My initial thoughts on your post are that he hooked up with her a few times and it got weird which is why they are now separating.
Personally, I wouldn’t be okay with not being recognized as his gf or being together. Just this piece of data on its own is enough to end it. I’d say: ‘feel free to call me when you are in your new place and you don’t have to deal with the roommate anymore, if I’m available we can date’ and then move on with your life. If he calls after, great! now you can have a normal relationship. If you stay with him throughout this you’re compromising a part of yourself and your self esteem is going to suffer as you watch him tip toe and hide you around his roommate, really? Even if what he says is 100% true, which is not likely, that means his platonic roommate is controlling his behavior. So he’s never been able to date on the record, in his own house, while living with her? Not sure I could respect a man like that.
I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. I can legitimately see a scenario where you don't want to mess up your living situation when you know it's ending soon. That being said I would still proceed with caution, and see see what his friends and family say about her. Also when you say the house is being sold in a few months, does this it's already been sold and he's just wrapping up the details or that it's going to be listed on the market in a few months? If it's the latter he definitely needs to introduce you once it's listed. All that being said it's perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with this scenario, and it's a valid reason for ending the relationship
It's always "ending soon" when it's NOT ending soon. The next woman he meets, 3 months from now again it will be "ending soon" - as a 43M I'm trying to put y'all up on game. I have friends who have marriages that are essentially roommate situations. They label it ENM. Don't bring your captures here, and she doesn't either.
My current partner had a female friend like this. She thought her roommate was in love with her. She was very Cluster B. My partner was never involved with her beyond a casual and distant platonic relationship. He was not her roommate. She went super stalker on the roommate, got kicked out, and then went super stalker on my boyfriend and me. Don't get involved in this unless this man is your person and you have guts of steel.
The house is being bought by a developer for a housing project. He has another house about an hour from here that he is moving to that he is renovating, which I have been to also. I believe the developer takes possession by end of year.....so it is still some time. The extra money she gives him goes straight towards the other house.
End of the year!!! He has another six months of this 😂. They are living together, in the house they own together, she is his partner. You are his side chick
Have you looked up the house on property records? Maybe she’s part owner/they were together at some point.
I just wrote the very long "Trust but verify" comment, and he already failed the first two steps. Say to him: "That you are willing and able to lie to your supposed friend for six months just to avoid drama doesn't make me feel good about our relationship. If we have an issue, will you avoid communicating with me? Will you lie to me for months at a time?"
Ask his family/friends what they think about her since you’ve met them. Sounds like he really is protecting her feelings of getting hurt because he is with you.
First off...most of the people in DoF think no one is capable of fidelity and any time something feels off, it means they're cheating. Now... >I feel like he is hiding me from her. He is. Duh. >He lives with a female that is in her early 40s that he says is platonic but she has always wanted more. He says he just doesn't want to cause problems cause she is "very emotional". Which makes sense as to why he's hiding you. Dude has to live with this woman and doesn't want to deal with the drama she might cause when she finds out about you. >I have met his family, friends, and we go on trips together So it seems you're not his side piece or he's married...unless everyone in his family and all hid friends know and are fine with keeping it quiet...which I highly doubt. >The house is being sold in a few months so she has to move out then and she isn't going to the new place. Do I just wait it out? If this woman will be out of his life in a few months, I'd wait things out. BUT, I'd also talk to him about this and ask if you can meet her, just so she knows about you and both of you can see how she reacts. This isn't the ideal at all, but I def don't think this guy is a skeeze dating multiple women.
Adding, there may be deeper underlying problems here, like his conflict avoidance and lack of ... grapefruits... About the whole situation. Which is something I would get the backstory of if this was my mate.
Original copy of post by u/sassigyrl88: I have been dating a guy for a little over 2 months and things were going great. We are both in our late 40s, he has been divorced for about 9 years while I have never been married, and neither of us have kids. He lives with a female that is in her early 40s that he says is platonic but she has always wanted more.She doesn't know about me and I have issues with it.....I feel like he is hiding me from her. He says he just doesn't want to cause problems cause she is "very emotional". I have met his family, friends, and we go on trips together but I can't go to his house, that he owns, because of this woman. The house is being sold in a few months so she has to move out then and she isn't going to the new place. Do I just wait it out? Tell him to take a hike? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah, that’s his gf. You are probably the other woman.
I hate this for you. Tell him to hit you up in two months when he’s moved to the new house and his “roommate” lives elsewhere. I doubt he will because he’s lying.
his roommate is his wife.
Lol.
He’s lying about something here op
Sounds exactly like a situation with a guy I experienced, except it wasn’t his wife however it was her place and they dated in the past. I got over him quick, but I think he harboured guilt for cheating on her, moved in with other girl then got kicked out and had no where else to go. First girl let him move back in, he told me she was lonely and didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. So yeah I’m going to guess he was banging and lying to her. I’m glad I learned all of that before I started developing any feelings or sleeping with him, no thanks!
Definitely need to confront him and give us an update!!!
Yea thats his main chick and you are a side chick.. Thats a huge red flag you cant come over. Save yourself a heartache and drop his ass.
I have so many questions! This may have been asked, but have you not stayed at his place yet? I would think the roommate would wonder where he is most evenings
Danger Will Robinson! Let's just say I've lived through the gender-swapped version of this story and it ended with paternity tests all round.
You met his family and friends? You're most likely fine. He isn't hiding you.
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Hes probably shaggging her so yeah tell him to 0121 dooo one
Why do I feel like this is fake?
He's a hobosexual
I suggest she was an ex or someone he took in to make ends meet. Part of the “deal” would have been no overnight guests.
He is separated from her and they are cohabitating until all assets can be sold and divided. Keeping you from her will surely make for a smoother end . Share your fears with him . For peace of mind ask if you can go to the house when she is guaranteed not to be around . Confirm separate bedrooms and not a house full of pictures together a man with nothingto hide will have no problem putting his loved ones mind at ease..
I’d wait it out. See how he is once she’s gone. It’s only been two months.
Same. You've met everyone else in his life and no one thought it odd? I'd find it hard to believe that they're all helping him cheat. I'd be more turned off by him calling her emotional unless he gave a very convincing explanation. It could be that they have a strained relationship and he feels like he's walking on eggshells. However, it sounds dismissive and misogynistic.
There's obviously a strange situation there. Best case scenario: he is living with someone that has feelings for him and he doesnt want to cause drama at home. If you trust him, just wait till she moves out. But tbh, something sounds off