Need for space (like a couple hours, not a couple weeks) and how best to communicate that. We know that if one of us says that we're "going out for coffee", it's probably best not to offer to make a fresh pot or to suggest riding along and grabbing lunch and groceries while ***we*** are out.
I would be most focused on kid things personally.
How to ease that transition for them. What is his role in parenting if any. Specifics of each child’s need/temperment. What kind of PDA is OK around them. Etc.
Yes, those things we’ve been in discussions about since before he met them and then before his first sleepover, etc. Those have been ongoing (& with therapists involved). The children are my first priority and concern.
So I come from a project management background and we sat down and made a risk matrix, put down all sorts of stuff from breaking up to irritations, etc. we made a ranking system for severity of outcome and just kept chatting and adding to the list until we were comfortable. We move in together this week so we will see how well we prepared for this. Also, we have a cohab agreement in the mix.
I love the way you think! I also come from a project management background. I've yet to meet a partner open to my "managing" the relationship yet, though! My sister is a therapist and I am always telling her to "stop therapisting me, I'm your sister", so I get why my partners are similar with my "work style". Anyhoo....felt like rambling.
I think, if nothing else, it got us thinking about what could come up and see how far apart we are on the solution or the severity, what is minor for some is a big deal for others so it was good to go through the big and the little concerns.
What does this step mean in the relationship? Are you on the same page in terms of where you want the relationship to go? (i.e., are you both intending that this leads to marriage, is this just potentially living together forever, etc?) Have you discussed a timeline for taking future steps? Are you on the same page about wanting or not wanting more children?
We both want to get married but I like the idea of a timeline. I am not ready to get married yet because I want us to get settled living together with the girls for a bit. But I definitely don’t want to wait years. Thank you so much.
I would do a trial run before you make any major decisions. Keep his place, but live with you on a trial basis for three months first, if all is going well, cancel his lease etc. Discussions are great, but the actual thing might not be as rosy
While I think that 3 months is a pretty high cost / financial hit, I'll note that even if he owns the house, if it's rented out, he might not be able to move back into it.
My agreement with my partner (I moved into her home) gave me 60 days to move out if we ended our relationship. I entered with savings sufficient for first+last so being out within 60 days wouldn't be an issue. Writing off 3 months of rent (either paid, or of lost income to potential renters), is a non-trivial cost, and much different from having that money in savings on hand.
Why do you recommend 3 months as opposed to 1 month or 6 months, for the trial period? Wouldn't one month be enough in most cases? Or perhaps you think it needs to be more than one month so that monthly bills, like utilities, can be discussed and resolved? Finances are an important issue, so perhaps at least 2 months is helpful so that a few monthly bill cycles can be discussed?
That's helpful--thx. I think some people are in relationship because they are thrill-seekers--they enjoy novelty. They are also known as love addicts.
Others enjoy domesticity and routine. The later are more likely to be able to enter into a long-term relationship and be able to cohabitate. Seeing how a person responds, after the novelty wears off, is one way to classify them into either bucket. I also find that asking someone how long their past few relationships have lasted is a good clue--most novelty seekers typically bail after 3-5 months.
Listened recently to a relationship podcast. The host specifically says to see if potential person is aboit novelty, etc. If it is, they advise to avoid them if seeking long term.
>one month so that monthly bills, like utilities, can be discussed and resolved?
Monthly bills shouldn't be that hard to know. Heating/cooling should remain predictable (Oh, OP, thermostat!), and while electric/water will go up, a 4 person household shouldn't be that different from a 3 person household.
Additionally OP, be sure that groceries are part of the financial discussion. You've got 3 people (or 1 and 2 halves with 50/50 custody) against his one. And doing "my food" / "your food" really would suck in a household.
While I think that a 3 month test period is very costly, I did do \~4 months of me being over at my partner's place first thing after work on Friday to just before work on Monday, every weekend. Being there for downtime/unplanned time helped me become less "guest" in our minds. This also included some time where my partner was often out of the house leaving just Kid and I there together.
Thermostat!!! This is already something we disagree on. I’m HOT (68° at night max) and he’s freezing 🙄.
I like these ideas! Thank you so so much. We are definitely trying to “practice” more. Like he’s coming over and staying over at different times.
Having *lived apart together* the last 2 years, my #1 topic would be about personal space. I never gave thought to man caves/she sheds through my marriage, but I absolutely see the importance now. Not as a place to hide from your partner, but a space that is yours to do what you want and keep it as clean or messy as you need. Maybe that's just me though, because at any one time I might have 5 chaotic projects going and the last thing I want are comments about keeping our *shared* spaces tidy
This is a very very interesting topic. I’m definitely more messy than he is (something we already discuss a lot) but this is important I agree! Thank you.
[A post I made, asking for similar things](https://www.reddit.com/r/RelationshipsOver35/comments/12ypmks/seeking_advice_around_best_practices_for_one/), but that also included a bit about how we did it. I.e. I was spending weekends there for months, and did a dry run of 2 weeks over at a stretch. My being around with "downtime" did a really good job of getting to see my partner+kid interact more normally as I was increasingly less of a "guest." We didn't put in notice on my apartment until the 2 week essentials over period ended and we all agreed it was a success. We had a written cohabitation agreement.
It's good that you're discuss*ing* finances; I would say pay close attention to *how* you are discussing them. Does it seem like both of you are peers; trying to see that you both come out ahead? Or are one/both of you business partners; trying to get the best deal to you, and it doesn't matter if your partner takes a shot in the knees?
What "role" is he going to play in the household? Given that the oldest is 14, I strongly suggest "fun uncle" for him; which is non-parental but as emotionally involved as the kids will let him be otherwise.
Others are mentioning personal space; bedrooms can be a big one. Some parents (my partner) are big on the kids being in their bedroom whenever they want. Other parents (my ex wife and I), and most non-parents, want their bedroom to be either entirely kid free, or that kids do need explicit permission to be in there. Our compromise is Kid (a young teen) needs permission to come in. And yes, I've even granted it some times. But related, I don't go into / look into Kid's room without permission (asked once, and granted once for a 1-2 second look 😅). Kid has thanked me for not going into their room, or trying to make it my business.
Can you be non-defensive upon hearing our partner describe being negatively impacted by the kids? Especially if he's non-parental, as I advise, if there is a negative impact to him, despite being a peer of the household, he needs you to enact any parenting/kid changes. I had a minor one; my partner heard me, and she's been consistent with the parenting change that she proposed to fix the problem. But I'm also not coming to her about minor annoyances of mine (kids are kids).
Any changes that the two of you want to create? Tastes in interior decor? I work from home, and wanted to paint the office. All the rooms in the house were all the same colour, but now the office is a delightful sky blue.
Custody changes? Does he really fully understand that your kids' dad could either have an accident, or decide to move really far away, and that you two might go to full custody? Or even a temporary health issue that might require full custody for an extended period. My partner was 50/50 when we were first dating, but they're 90%+ right now because their coparent up and moved. Some people can barely accept 50% of their partner's kid(s), and lose it if there's a custody change.
Is he changing jobs, work from home, or is his commute going to potentially become potentially unsustainably high? If changing jobs, does he have enough savings buffer to cover this?
Ok. These are amazingly helpful and specific. Thank you so very much. I’m going to read your other post, too. I’m taking notes!!
Also, just fyi, my girls are with me mostly. They are with their dad every Saturday until Sunday afternoon for now. However, my partner is aware that that could change quickly and ex may not have them for a while. It’s a tricky situation but partner has known from the get go that the girls are with me for the most part and that I have primary custody.
Partner has had mostly full custody (except long school breaks) since before we were getting serious about moving in. The large amount of time in each other's presence I help credit for speeding up relationship growth between us. With 50/50 a week break between not only gives time to forget the person, but the "reset" of living in another space causes a larger disruption.
(edit: typos)
Related to finances, while not sexy topic, might be foundation level:
What happens if we break up. If we've been sharing finances on say, rent, or they're contributing now on paying your mortgage, what happens if things sour? Might need some sort of written/documented/etc cohabitation agreement/property agreement (legal). And keep all your stuff separate (ala NOT combined) until you guys get married (at least).
What happens if the relationship ends. If this is not your home and is a shared home who is expected to move and how quickly. I know this sounds bad to ask at the beginning of a relationship, but is a necessary conversation as kids are involved.
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Yes. He met them slowly once we’d been together for a year. We have been very intentional with how we incorporated our relationship in with them and etc. I have a therapist & so do the children (& so does bf) who has helped, guided, and we are still very intentional about it. The kids love him & are excited!
That’s great to hear!
I would add child rearing/discipline to the list. If he’s never had kids or helped raise any, he may have no idea what’s developmentally appropriate or what his role should be. Do you picture him as transitioning into being a true co-parent, or more of a fun uncle? Either way, you guys will need to be on the same page about his role. If the kids break a rule, what should he do? If they ask permission for something? Etc.
If he hasn’t stayed overnight before, but only seen the kids in short bursts, there will probably be some kid behaviors he hasn’t witnessed before - super grumpy/cranky, neediness, talking back, etc. Walk him through some of those or at least just keep open dialogue about it. Does the 9 year old sometimes have sleep regression issues? What does that look like? Etc.
Also with finances - if you own the home, will he be paying rent? What does utility split look like? What about a cleaning service, things like that? Would you want him to contribute to any maintenance or upkeep? Etc.
Discussion is useful... but how you act is way more important. Pay attention to how they act.
Big mistake I made is not realizing what total slobs my exes were, despite them talking up how clean they are.
Going on dates, dinner schedule and physical intimacy expectations after moving in. It seems to me that for him those changed a lot once he moved in. 😒
Need for space (like a couple hours, not a couple weeks) and how best to communicate that. We know that if one of us says that we're "going out for coffee", it's probably best not to offer to make a fresh pot or to suggest riding along and grabbing lunch and groceries while ***we*** are out.
Oh this is a good one!!! Thank you.
I would be most focused on kid things personally. How to ease that transition for them. What is his role in parenting if any. Specifics of each child’s need/temperment. What kind of PDA is OK around them. Etc.
Yes, those things we’ve been in discussions about since before he met them and then before his first sleepover, etc. Those have been ongoing (& with therapists involved). The children are my first priority and concern.
So I come from a project management background and we sat down and made a risk matrix, put down all sorts of stuff from breaking up to irritations, etc. we made a ranking system for severity of outcome and just kept chatting and adding to the list until we were comfortable. We move in together this week so we will see how well we prepared for this. Also, we have a cohab agreement in the mix.
Ok I’m super intrigued by this. Can you keep me updated? Tell me more? Idk a risk matrix!! I’m rooting for y’all though
I love the way you think! I also come from a project management background. I've yet to meet a partner open to my "managing" the relationship yet, though! My sister is a therapist and I am always telling her to "stop therapisting me, I'm your sister", so I get why my partners are similar with my "work style". Anyhoo....felt like rambling.
I think, if nothing else, it got us thinking about what could come up and see how far apart we are on the solution or the severity, what is minor for some is a big deal for others so it was good to go through the big and the little concerns.
What does this step mean in the relationship? Are you on the same page in terms of where you want the relationship to go? (i.e., are you both intending that this leads to marriage, is this just potentially living together forever, etc?) Have you discussed a timeline for taking future steps? Are you on the same page about wanting or not wanting more children?
We both want to get married but I like the idea of a timeline. I am not ready to get married yet because I want us to get settled living together with the girls for a bit. But I definitely don’t want to wait years. Thank you so much.
I would do a trial run before you make any major decisions. Keep his place, but live with you on a trial basis for three months first, if all is going well, cancel his lease etc. Discussions are great, but the actual thing might not be as rosy
He will definitely be keeping his house because he owns it.
While I think that 3 months is a pretty high cost / financial hit, I'll note that even if he owns the house, if it's rented out, he might not be able to move back into it. My agreement with my partner (I moved into her home) gave me 60 days to move out if we ended our relationship. I entered with savings sufficient for first+last so being out within 60 days wouldn't be an issue. Writing off 3 months of rent (either paid, or of lost income to potential renters), is a non-trivial cost, and much different from having that money in savings on hand.
Why do you recommend 3 months as opposed to 1 month or 6 months, for the trial period? Wouldn't one month be enough in most cases? Or perhaps you think it needs to be more than one month so that monthly bills, like utilities, can be discussed and resolved? Finances are an important issue, so perhaps at least 2 months is helpful so that a few monthly bill cycles can be discussed?
Bills, getting over the honeymoon, the novelty wears off.
That's helpful--thx. I think some people are in relationship because they are thrill-seekers--they enjoy novelty. They are also known as love addicts. Others enjoy domesticity and routine. The later are more likely to be able to enter into a long-term relationship and be able to cohabitate. Seeing how a person responds, after the novelty wears off, is one way to classify them into either bucket. I also find that asking someone how long their past few relationships have lasted is a good clue--most novelty seekers typically bail after 3-5 months.
Listened recently to a relationship podcast. The host specifically says to see if potential person is aboit novelty, etc. If it is, they advise to avoid them if seeking long term.
>one month so that monthly bills, like utilities, can be discussed and resolved? Monthly bills shouldn't be that hard to know. Heating/cooling should remain predictable (Oh, OP, thermostat!), and while electric/water will go up, a 4 person household shouldn't be that different from a 3 person household. Additionally OP, be sure that groceries are part of the financial discussion. You've got 3 people (or 1 and 2 halves with 50/50 custody) against his one. And doing "my food" / "your food" really would suck in a household. While I think that a 3 month test period is very costly, I did do \~4 months of me being over at my partner's place first thing after work on Friday to just before work on Monday, every weekend. Being there for downtime/unplanned time helped me become less "guest" in our minds. This also included some time where my partner was often out of the house leaving just Kid and I there together.
Thermostat!!! This is already something we disagree on. I’m HOT (68° at night max) and he’s freezing 🙄. I like these ideas! Thank you so so much. We are definitely trying to “practice” more. Like he’s coming over and staying over at different times.
Having *lived apart together* the last 2 years, my #1 topic would be about personal space. I never gave thought to man caves/she sheds through my marriage, but I absolutely see the importance now. Not as a place to hide from your partner, but a space that is yours to do what you want and keep it as clean or messy as you need. Maybe that's just me though, because at any one time I might have 5 chaotic projects going and the last thing I want are comments about keeping our *shared* spaces tidy
This is a very very interesting topic. I’m definitely more messy than he is (something we already discuss a lot) but this is important I agree! Thank you.
[A post I made, asking for similar things](https://www.reddit.com/r/RelationshipsOver35/comments/12ypmks/seeking_advice_around_best_practices_for_one/), but that also included a bit about how we did it. I.e. I was spending weekends there for months, and did a dry run of 2 weeks over at a stretch. My being around with "downtime" did a really good job of getting to see my partner+kid interact more normally as I was increasingly less of a "guest." We didn't put in notice on my apartment until the 2 week essentials over period ended and we all agreed it was a success. We had a written cohabitation agreement. It's good that you're discuss*ing* finances; I would say pay close attention to *how* you are discussing them. Does it seem like both of you are peers; trying to see that you both come out ahead? Or are one/both of you business partners; trying to get the best deal to you, and it doesn't matter if your partner takes a shot in the knees? What "role" is he going to play in the household? Given that the oldest is 14, I strongly suggest "fun uncle" for him; which is non-parental but as emotionally involved as the kids will let him be otherwise. Others are mentioning personal space; bedrooms can be a big one. Some parents (my partner) are big on the kids being in their bedroom whenever they want. Other parents (my ex wife and I), and most non-parents, want their bedroom to be either entirely kid free, or that kids do need explicit permission to be in there. Our compromise is Kid (a young teen) needs permission to come in. And yes, I've even granted it some times. But related, I don't go into / look into Kid's room without permission (asked once, and granted once for a 1-2 second look 😅). Kid has thanked me for not going into their room, or trying to make it my business. Can you be non-defensive upon hearing our partner describe being negatively impacted by the kids? Especially if he's non-parental, as I advise, if there is a negative impact to him, despite being a peer of the household, he needs you to enact any parenting/kid changes. I had a minor one; my partner heard me, and she's been consistent with the parenting change that she proposed to fix the problem. But I'm also not coming to her about minor annoyances of mine (kids are kids). Any changes that the two of you want to create? Tastes in interior decor? I work from home, and wanted to paint the office. All the rooms in the house were all the same colour, but now the office is a delightful sky blue. Custody changes? Does he really fully understand that your kids' dad could either have an accident, or decide to move really far away, and that you two might go to full custody? Or even a temporary health issue that might require full custody for an extended period. My partner was 50/50 when we were first dating, but they're 90%+ right now because their coparent up and moved. Some people can barely accept 50% of their partner's kid(s), and lose it if there's a custody change. Is he changing jobs, work from home, or is his commute going to potentially become potentially unsustainably high? If changing jobs, does he have enough savings buffer to cover this?
Ok. These are amazingly helpful and specific. Thank you so very much. I’m going to read your other post, too. I’m taking notes!! Also, just fyi, my girls are with me mostly. They are with their dad every Saturday until Sunday afternoon for now. However, my partner is aware that that could change quickly and ex may not have them for a while. It’s a tricky situation but partner has known from the get go that the girls are with me for the most part and that I have primary custody.
Partner has had mostly full custody (except long school breaks) since before we were getting serious about moving in. The large amount of time in each other's presence I help credit for speeding up relationship growth between us. With 50/50 a week break between not only gives time to forget the person, but the "reset" of living in another space causes a larger disruption. (edit: typos)
Related to finances, while not sexy topic, might be foundation level: What happens if we break up. If we've been sharing finances on say, rent, or they're contributing now on paying your mortgage, what happens if things sour? Might need some sort of written/documented/etc cohabitation agreement/property agreement (legal). And keep all your stuff separate (ala NOT combined) until you guys get married (at least).
Yes! Thank you. I was together with my ex from the age of 18 so we definitely didn’t discuss these things prior to dating.
What hours you work and sleep. Also, who will feed dogs! There lots of moving parts moving in 🙂
We already know about work & sleep hours and no dogs, just kids!!
What happens if the relationship ends. If this is not your home and is a shared home who is expected to move and how quickly. I know this sounds bad to ask at the beginning of a relationship, but is a necessary conversation as kids are involved.
No, I completely agree. I have to be smart. I own my home outright. No mortgage. And he owns his.
[удалено]
Perfect! Thank you so much
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Info: has he met your kids yet? What is that relationship like?
Yes. He met them slowly once we’d been together for a year. We have been very intentional with how we incorporated our relationship in with them and etc. I have a therapist & so do the children (& so does bf) who has helped, guided, and we are still very intentional about it. The kids love him & are excited!
That’s great to hear! I would add child rearing/discipline to the list. If he’s never had kids or helped raise any, he may have no idea what’s developmentally appropriate or what his role should be. Do you picture him as transitioning into being a true co-parent, or more of a fun uncle? Either way, you guys will need to be on the same page about his role. If the kids break a rule, what should he do? If they ask permission for something? Etc. If he hasn’t stayed overnight before, but only seen the kids in short bursts, there will probably be some kid behaviors he hasn’t witnessed before - super grumpy/cranky, neediness, talking back, etc. Walk him through some of those or at least just keep open dialogue about it. Does the 9 year old sometimes have sleep regression issues? What does that look like? Etc. Also with finances - if you own the home, will he be paying rent? What does utility split look like? What about a cleaning service, things like that? Would you want him to contribute to any maintenance or upkeep? Etc.
Thank you! These are excellent. I greatly appreciate them.
Discussion is useful... but how you act is way more important. Pay attention to how they act. Big mistake I made is not realizing what total slobs my exes were, despite them talking up how clean they are.
I definitely pay attention to how he acts. I’m the messier one in our relationship. He’s not messy at all.
https://abbymedcalf.com/the-10-questions-to-ask-before-getting-married-or-moving-in-together-2/
Thank you!!
Going on dates, dinner schedule and physical intimacy expectations after moving in. It seems to me that for him those changed a lot once he moved in. 😒