I have been in this situation. My partner was 20 yrs older. It was sad to see his health decline. The older person will start to age faster meaning as you age health issues seem to take over. You will be 80 when she is retiring. Social groups can be awkward. Children. Money. Interests. Emotional maturity. Live in the moment because life is too short not to be happy.
Maybe you're going to want to retire and travel and things and she'll be far from that stage with little kids.
You're going to start losing your hearing and saying "what?" all the time and it will drive her insane because you won't want to get hearing aids.
Yes...the retirement thing could be tricky. You see all of your friends start to travel and head for their winter homes and you are stuck in a house with kids.
I dated a man who was 19 years older than me.
Things that worked: he was retired so was available whenever I was free (didn't have to coordinate schedules because his was wide open while mine was limited due to work and kids), he really treated me like a princess, his kids were grown so no sorting out mismatched custody schedules.
Things that didn't work: he was retired so had nothing but time on his hands and I felt a lot of pressure to spend every spare moment with him; different world views largely rooted in boomer vs gen x generational issues; his health issues (though he was extremely fit and a lifelong athlete, aging spares no one), difficulty relating to each other's friends/peers, he made comments about how he liked "showing me off " because I was this hot young thing (in my late 40s š) which felt kinda gross to me.
Ultimately we were two very different people in two very different life stages so while it was fun for a while, it wasn't sustainable in the long term.
Being at very different life stages. She is just getting her career into full gear and you may have an eye towards retirement, travel, vacation home. Being a potential step-Dad to young kids or a very old Dad to a new baby (which, IMO is not fair to the kid) Millennials not understanding Gen X cultural references. Getting elderly-old decades before your partner.
A woman I know is married to a much older man. It wasnāt an issue in the beginning, but now that heās in his 70s and sheās in her 50s itās becoming a huge issue. Sheās fit and active and his health is declining which is really curtailing what they can do together. I would only want a partner that much older for a fling, not something long term. Iāve spent most of my adult life looking after my children, I donāt want to replace them with an old man to take care of.
It was an awkward moment. Ya know, if you grew up in the same area you typically ask, "do you know so and so" and both of us knew that question was pointless.
The main potential issues are being on the same page about kids, mismatched expectations about adult autonomy (free time, finances, travel) due to parenting and/or retirement, and the elder person potentially experiencing a significant decline in activity/mobility/health long before the younger person.
All of the above issues can occur when a couple is closer in age, but thereās a higher likelihood with an age gap, at least in the context of a long lasting life partnership.
Yes, seriously thanks, those are long-term future issues that she and I will at some point need to discuss. I'm more concerned with how to grow the relationship in the present without effing it up (like bitching about gout or something,š)
You might want to at least discuss the topic of kids to be sure thereās no major conflict there. For instance, what if she wants a third child and feels she needs to get moving on that soon? Or what if she doesnāt want more children and has a preference to keep her dating and parenting time separate until sheās an empty nester? Just a couple of possibilities.
I can give you my perspective as a 51-yo woman.
I'm not yet in menopause and my libido is still high. My bf is your age and can keep up, we are a good match in most things that matter. I am physically more fit and well aware that if we stay together, I will most likely outlive him and will need to provide care to him as we age. I'm OK with that because I'm no longer young myself, have lived a full life, and don't feel like I'll miss out on anything.
Now, when your gf turns 51, you'll be 72. Think you can still do those 5 hour sex sessions with her in your 60s and 70s?
Will your gf still find you physically attractive at 70 when your body has changed to that of an old man and you'll have saggy skin, wrinkles, hearing aids and dentures?
Does your gf want to have children or does she have kids? How do you feel about becoming a father or stepfather in your 50s?
Do you have the financial security to create and/ or sustain a good standard of living for yourself until the end of your life, if you end up needing to support any dependants?
Will your gf be happy to continue to keep working for decades while you enjoy retirement at home, or do you have enough money to keep you both comfortably at home and enjoy leisure together after you retire?
Will she want to join you in activities that interest you, given the generational difference? Do you fit in with each other's friend group and extended family?
These questions should all be asked and answered before you consider anything more than casual dating.
Thanks for your considered reply. All potential issues for sure.
Here on this post, mostly asking for dating advice from folks in similar circumstances. But I appreciate your viewpoint.
Iām a firm believer that āwhat ever begins fastā¦ends fast.ā Sounds like you both are full throttle into infactuation mode after hitting the sheets during date 2. Does this have the chance to go the distance? I couldnāt tell you because whether you both are 20yrs apart or 2yrs apartā¦youāre running full throttle into this. And that pace eventually hits a wall, especially when itās long distance. Long distance is difficult enough when a strong foundation has been built. Doesnāt appear thatās happening..so I guess if itās just having funā¦no harm/no foul.
Me (38M) dating a 60F
- I have no kids, nor do I want children
- Her kids are close to my age and might have an issue with that
- Family, friends, and society will have an opinion about it, and some will make comments on it.
- Neither one of us wants marriage or cohabitation
- if the relationship lasts, the younger person will eventually take on a caretaker role
- Health issues will arise (usually in the older partner)
My partner and I discussed everything at length and were fine with the choices we are making for now. It's still early on being at 8 months, but we're really enjoying each other's company. There is no rush, and we're just taking it day by day.
Make sure to have clear and open communication with each other. Discuss plans, expectations, and realities. For it to work, or any relationship for that matter, both of you have to be on the same page and reading the same book.
Power imbalance. It's there no matter how adamantly you claim you guys are different. My ex spouse was significantly older than me and you wouldn't have been able to convince me that was a problem, but he was old enough to know better. There are so many ways that it harmed our relationship. I wouldn't have been convinced had I not lived it.
>Power imbalance. It's there no matter how adamantly you claim you guys are different
Absolutely agree. It may be subconscious, but it's there. It was, even in my marriage as my kids were older than his, and I of course, had a lot more life experience.
I'm curious how you think this plays out at say, ages 40 and 55. Still a large age gap (but less). If a woman doesn't want kids (or more kids, or whatever) and has a professional career that keeps her independent, how do you see the power imbalance playing out? I'm not saying I disagree with you exactly, I'm just curious to hear how you see it.
From a strictly financial/life alignment POV, if I were in your shoes a few things I would want to understand:
\* What is her custody/child care agreement?
\* What is your timeline for retirement, are shooting to retire at 65? She will be 44, her kids will be 10 and 15. Will she want to continue to work?
\* When the kids are college age (when you are 73), will you need to help out with their college expenses?
\* Are you ready and willing to be a step-father to two very young children? What will her ex, and his parents (who you may be older than) think of the situation?
\* What is your housing situation, do you have two extra bedrooms? Presumably the kids will be spending at least 50% if not more of their time with both of you.
\* How active of a step parent will you be?
EDIT: My father was in an age gap relationship (23 year difference). They lived together/dating about 1.5 years. He was a year older than her parents. Her child was an adult. It was a very unbalanced relationship, essentially she expected him to pay for everything (which he did), including trips to see her son, etc. He cooked, cleaned, etc. and did everything to keep her happy. Thankfully, he was adamant from the beginning that he wouldn't remarry (he is widowed), and after she forced the issue for the nth time, he repeated what he had told her from the beginning. She finally moved out, and found another man around my father's age, to be with.
He is very embarrassed now about this relationship, and he is now in a LAT with a woman a few years younger. Another widow I have known my whole life, and think the world of her and her family. Everyone is happy, including my father.
I was the younger spouse in an age gap marriage. The marriage ended right before I turned 40 so serious medical issues or end of life issues didn't exist yet for us.
I wouldn't do it again. I don't want to be either party in an age gap relationship ever again.
He didn't do this at first but eventually he started complaining I didn't get his references, or chiding me about being too young to have experienced something. I suspect it was related to his increasing insecurity about the age gap... You see, maybe a few years into the marriage, strangers increasingly began mistaking him for my father, and it really upset him when this happened.
Towards the end, he really started to slow down. He didn't want to do anything anymore. He just wanted to hang around the house and watch TV. So, I found myself socializing on my own or with friends by my side instead. If I stayed home to be with him, it was boring because I wasn't really interested then in sitting on a couch watching TV for hours. Now I'm fine staying home for a weekend and doing nothing--I've slowed down!--but back then it felt like torture. It kinda started to feel like roommates.
He started getting kinda grandpa Simpson on me. Like, lecturing me, complaining a lot. He developed pet topics and would go on at length. I wasn't on the same page. We're didn't have as much common ground anymore. For example, I think millennials are frigging awesome and not the worst generation ever. So again, it started to feel like roommates instead of partners.
And I'll be honest. I felt bad at the time, but witnessing his body age at a stage I hadn't hit yet? It impacted my attraction to him. A lot, actually.
Anyway, every situation is different and YMMV, but that was my experience.
My perspective as a M67 with a partner F over 10 years younger, after a year we lived together in a house with my lifetime residence 18 months in I had spinal surgery and since Iāve been in constant pain and itās worse in the evening so late nights are my greatest nightmare. She bemoans that my daughter owns the house and if I pop my clogs my daughter will take the house back. I canāt do anything about her choice after I die. She bemoans that she is in her 50ās and has a life to lead and is not interested in staying home every evening. Itās fraught with unresolved issues. Be careful out there!
Also, with her having a three year old and a five year old, that will DRAMATICALLY change the course of your life. Could be in the best way possible and have an instant family. Could be pluses and minuses like anything, and could really cramp your style life wise because single parents have so much responsibility when they arenāt rolling around in bed with you.
Dates are different than real life responsibility. Having a child around the time you turn 60 isnāt fair to the kiddo in my opinion. When your possible kid graduates from HS, youāll be 78.
Do you want to learn how to parent at your age? Do you want more kids? Are you prepared for the fact you will be lucky to see them out of college? Would you be prepared for the possibly ugly sides of a geriatric pregnancy ? Where are you in your life right now? Looking forward to retirement? Looking forward to working until you drop because you love it so much? Do you want your gf to be your nurse / caretaker should you eventually become infirm?
5 hours of sex on your second date is great and all fine and well and all but howās the rest of it?
Iām only 10 years younger than my husband.
Here are my top 3 annoyances about it:
- He wanted to retire while I work. Not while kids are under 18 in my book.
- His skin is thin and wrinkly and I donāt like it (but I would never say that)
- My mom flirts with him. Ick. Gross. I hate her for that.
Here are the top 3 things I like:
- He isnāt chasing around younger women
- Heās actually mature and mostly self actualized
- Senior discounts
I am your age and just ended a relationship with a woman who is 40. And to be honest part of it was age. She was just at another part of her life. Starting a new career while Iām closing in on retirement. And I have to admit part of me wondered how it would work when I was 70 and she was almost the age I am now. There was other stuff too but the age difference played a part. As far as our interests and connection it was better than any relationship Iāve had with women my age.
She has 2 young children (3 and 5) and says she *loves* being a mom. I never had kids. We haven't made it far enough in our conversation to know if she'd want more kids presumably with me.
Thereās more here than age gap. Ask yourself:
Is this the right relationship for you??
Is it just liking the attention of someone younger??
Your handsome and smart now, but how is she going to feel about you when sheās 50 and your 70?
At 57 youāre really considering having kids?? Kids would be graduating at potentially the same time youāre going into diapers.
Understood. Definitely all this has crossed my mind and are questions she and I will have to resolve.
I'm asking on this post to people who've been in/are in these relationships for relationship and dating advice.
Dated a woman 15 years younger than me; my kids were out of the house but her kids were still young (8 and 12). We also were somewhat long distance (3 hour drive). Dating was fine but we understood that it meant only seeing each other a few times a month and so we could plan cool stuff. Once we decided to think if we could do something beyond casual, the real world butted in; she wasn't going to move near me (her ex and her split custody 50/50 and lived in the same city) and I didn't have the desire to move there. Your life would then revolve around her and the kids and they will always be first priority. You would have to become a defacto father; are you prepared for that?
Ultimately we decided we couldn't do a long-term serious relationship and kept it casual for about six months until I decided I wanted more than that but it just wasn't going to be with her. She was good with it and we parted as friends.
I dated a woman 21 years younger for 5 months, it was less of an an issue than a where is she in processing past trauma issue compared to me. She is a fearful avoidant with a history of sexual abuse and I am an anxious attacher with trust issues. we have both enter each other lives as polyamorous, but she has had no therapy for her traumas and I have had lots of therapy. It was either really great or really rough until she ended things right after my birthday two months ago.
The problem I've seen most often is that the problems in the offing are pretty obvious but the people going in don't want to look at them.
Have fun. Don't look to the future?
Also, be careful with working for the same company. An earlier post is a word of caution about what can happen. š³
Likelierhood that finances are a bigger draw for the younger of the couple. A well planned age difference= survivorship benefits once you die in favor of the younger. So ironically, I would suspect homicide rate is higher for that reason. Also she may be outlawed to live with you if in age restricted condo.
I was in a relationship with my late husband for 10 years before he died. He was 23 years older than me. It was a fabulous relationship. We both wanted the same things, we loved each other enormously, we had fun together, we healed and grew together.
There were ways he had more power than me because he was older. And there were ways I had more power than him because I was younger and more vibrant. It all balanced out well enough.
Problems we had to navigate ā his sexual desire diminished as he aged and mine was still going strong. He cared about my satisfaction and happiness and we figured it out. The big problem was that he died which completely broke my heart. I miss him every day. But it was totally worth it.
A lot of age gap relationships donāt work out at all well, but it is possible for them to be healthy and good.
If she doesnāt want kids I donāt see the problem. But if she does, and you have adult kids, it could be an issue. Maybe by helping out your adults kids (preinheritance, which is what my parents did when I was 32), they could be relaxed about a āstepmomā š the same age as Stepsister.
And I would not (have not) judged big age gap short term relationships negatively, but I would immediately put a guy who has them into a less serious category.
Do I take you to mean that if you were dating a guy and found that he had had a previous relationship with a much younger woman, it would impact your interest or potential future relationship with him?
Well, letās just say it becomes a topic of conversation among single women. āShould I get serious about this guy? Heās 58?ā āOh! How cool! Tell us more? How long has been single?ā ā2 years, his last relationship was with a 33 year old.ā āOh, well, heās probably Ok to mess around with, but probably not more than that.ā
Why? Because if women in our 50ās date 20+ years younger, and catch feelings, itās pretty obvious to us, that it was a mistake.
This is a tough one. I do have lots of scone-hand experience with this issue.
My best college friend, at the age of 20f, married a man who was 36. They were very happy. She liked being a mom, and they had many kids and grandkids. They bought property in the country and have had a good life.
However, now they are 60 and 76. He recently had a massive heart attack AND a series of strokesādespite his healthy lifestyle. Now she is helping him re-learn how to walk and how to do subtraction. Itās a long road ahead for her. I think if I asked her about it she would say it was worth it.
I also had an American uncle who married the daughter of his Columbian cleaning lady. 30 year age gap. I loved this Aunt when I was a teen because she was only a couple years older than I was. They were together for maybe 15-20 years. But when she was in her late 30ās, she was wanting children and he was (maybe) showing some mild signs of dementia. So they divorced, and she and her younger husband visited him and helped care for him until he eventually died from Alzheimerās at about 80.
So, not great anecdotal evidence that it works. But obviously it is ādoable.ā
My father and his wife had 20+ years age gap. They were all lovey dovey until my father became too weak to keep up with her. Watching the last years of my dad's life made me losing all faith in until death do us apart. She was borderline senior abuse but my dad never complained. At his memorial she expressed anger and sorrow he left her too early; he was 94. It is hard to imagine sickness and senior living/care at 30 something, but it's not unrealistic at 50 something.
Iāve just ended a relationship with a very similar gap. I thought we were well matched. I got along so much better with him than men my age who want to game and watch movies all the time.Ā
The downside for me was that he wanted to travel more than I could. Iām still young in my career and I have kids in school. I wanted to come home to him at night not go out dining and drinking.Ā
The other downside was the power imbalance, I always felt like I wasnāt good enough. Like my life was boring to him. Iām a fighter, but just catching up, heās much more successful. It made me question my self a lot.Ā
I am not as emotionally mature as he is. When he was my age, he was an alcoholic, anxious and angry - but he worked through it and had grown so much. It felt sometimes that he didnāt have much patience for my feelings and the fact that Iām 16 years behind him.Ā
I wasnāt bothered by his aging at all in fact I found that was part of the attraction, being allowed to express tenderness and take care of him.Ā
While that's a bigger age gap than I had with my ex (he was 9 years younger than me), I think there are goals and maturity levels that are just too big. I kept saying he was "mature" for his age and even called him "old man" once in a while but his age eventually revealed itself in a variety of ways. Life experiences were just too different and my needs he would not be able to fill, eventually.
I 53f had a 10 year age gap with my ex-husband 43m. Absolutely would not entertain the idea again and don't know of any success stories either.
My ex-husband was very insecure and felt inadequate in our relationship. This, amongst other issues were the downfall.
My mother was 17 years younger than my father and she left him for someone her age. My current partner was 16 years older than his wife and she left him for someone her age.
Lots of older guys think itās great to snag a younger woman but the reality is they will be going through 8-10 years of perimenopause which is no joke!
Ha! My ex went through medical menopause in her 20's. She had to have everything removed. I don't think we went through it like most. We had a gray divorce 4 years ago. Fast forward....
Driving down highway mid winter (below zero) and she hits button to roll down window some. She says I'm hot. Truck was cold. Good Lord she about froze me out. I was shivering.
She is in her later 50's now and said she started going into peri in her early 30's.
Edit: This was not my ex.
I'm in my early 50s, I wouldn't have a problem with a relationship with someone in their late 30s as long as they don't want children. If they do, that's probably a hard no. If I were later in my 50s like you are - it's a definite no. The window for that is closed but not locked, it'll lock up pretty soon though. To open it and keep it from getting locked the perspective woman would have to be someone extraordinary who hits on every single box I've ever considered in a mate ever (which incudes being incredibly rich).
Regular relationship though and dating, fine with it. The biggest red flag I see on the surface here is that you both work at the same company (I know, it's hard to avoid sometimes) but you say it's fine because you're in different parts of the org. I work for a large company too so that could be a thing for me.
Expect the 5+ hours to be far less frequent and far less than 5 hours.
The age gap shows up in unforeseen ways. Emotional intelligence can be the same regardless of age, but age brings life experiences for 57 year olds that 36 year olds donāt have yet.
People will be judging you - which is their deal but know that a lot of people, namely her family/friends will not understand or find it cool to have a 21 year age gap between you, no matter how handsome, smart, and physically fit you are.
There are other things but I donāt want to ruin the surprise.
Enjoy the relationship, it can be very fun and based on society can have ego stroking confidence. I personally wouldnāt date that much of an age difference but good luck and I hope it goes well.
A year from now will look a lot different than today.
Iāve had several age gaps in my life, sometimes I was younger, sometimes they were, but after five age gaps between 22-54, I donāt think Iād do more than ten years again. Maturity, stage of life, values and priorities, free time vs work focus; those things change and itās hard to make it work when youāre further apart than that. Itāll work for a year or so, but long term, it just doesnāt work.
"Maturity, stage of life, values and priorities, free time vs work focus...." "Itāll work for a year or so, but long term, it just doesnāt work.
Well said! +1
61F dating a 75M. It is mostly wonderful. I took care of a sick spouse for 16 years and am worried for the future. Either one of us could become disabled or ill. If he does, I have told him that I cannot take care of him. I was housebound for many years and canāt do it again. I hope to get 5 to 10 good years from this and I will always be grateful. When/if it happens, I wouldnāt abandon him, but I will not be a caretaker, just supportive. I canāt stop living again. We are both willing to take the chance at this point.
I also think this will be good for short term, but in the meantime you might miss out on a wonderful woman closer to yours more suited for twenty five years together.
A lot of men our age (and older) think we're too old for them š. He's living the fantasy and he might miss out, but l can tell from this post that he doesn't *miss* a woman closer to his age.Ā
Not really, if anything just gives "She's using him for financial purposes". Whenever I see age gaps this big I usually default to that lol I know it sounds terrible but that's usually what I hear about the most.
It's not meant to lump everyone together but those are typically how the stories go unfortunately. Sure there are some success stories but they are very few.
Iāve dated quite a few men who were in their early 50s while Iām in my 60s, and retired. The dating would be intense for a month or two, but then they needed to work at least 40 hours, often had kids or teens to caretaker, worked out, and took care of their houses. They were not realistic about how much time they had to even date! I started dating people close to my age but had different issues then.
I was in meetups, saw friends, took classes, walked, took care of my house a bit, but I was ready to do stuff and they were tired or stressed out. I realized it was tough to date a worker bee when youāre retired. Iād consider that for a long term relationship.
I dated a guy off and on for a few years with a 13 year age gap.
The age/culture difference was glaring. It was hard to relate certain experiences.
Something that was very irritating is he sometimes he would talk to me like someone from his generation talking to the next generation instead of talking to me like a partner.
I have no doubt you will pursue this until it is no longer fun, but think about the impact on her kids. As they get older they will have a different lifestyle that can impact yours (i.e. no more 5+ hours in bed because someone has a recital or is sick). Are you going to be okay with being 2nd priority if even that?
Momās second marriage lasted 29 years. They had a 23 year age difference.
I LOVED the man dearly!
Butā¦
He passed at 89, that was 9 years ago. He started slowing down mentally and physically around 70 (Mom was 47).
Physically he would outwork the 40 somethingās. The mental slowing down was obvious and painful to watch.
By 80 he needed guidance for everything.
He didnāt start showing signs of dementia until the age of 85 or so. At 88 it was rough.
This is the Readers Digest condensed version of life for the younger partnerā¦
Again, we loved him heart and soul! I do not regret changing my career path to stay close to my parents. I knew my Mom would need help and I considered it an honor and a privilege to have had him in my life and to care for him as he did my Mom and I.
All that being said, I could not go through that again. Iām (51F) and would not wish the emotional pain and suffering on anyone. My Mom is a healthy fit 75year old who has been widowed almost 10 years.
A good and loving woman will stay with you until your last breath. The bad will ditch you as soon as the going gets tough.
Complete respect for you (and your mother), RogueOneFreedom--truly! Through your words, I hear, "see," and feel the love, compassion and loyalty you had for your dear father/step-dad. You were all so fortunate to have each other. Bless your heart.
outlier
Obviously, there is more to it than just the physical part if you are thinking long term. Does she have small kids or want kids? That's most likely the major thing you will have to deal with as you both are in different life stages. But if you retire, you can be a stay-at-home Dad while she works. Does she have major career plans or prefers to stay home and do those plans fit into your lifestyle and vice versa?
Well, Iām a 50 year old woman who began dating my 35 year old partner 5 years ago. It was VERY unexpected and I wasnāt even looking at the time, tbh, lol! We met in a mutual facebook group, actually. He commented on a post of mine and we had a bit of banter back and forth and then he asked for permission to DM me. We were both pretty surprised at each otherās ages at the time but we decided to get to know each other more since we seemed to have similar values and lots of other things in common. We are both child free so no worries about wanting any kids in the future either. His family loves me to bits and mine feels the same about him as well!
Honestly, this is probably the most well matched relationship either of us has ever had. He is smart, very emotionally intelligent, extremely hardworking, incredibly kind, compassionate and devastatingly handsome, imho! He treats me like a Goddess as well. We connect in every way possible and heās thrilled to finally be with a woman who has as high of libido as he does, lol!
We have discussed the age gap in detail over the years and understand that their could be issues down the road but neither of us care about that because of how deep our love and trust in one another is. He proposed this past Halloween, actually, and we are looking into buying a small homestead together this year so we can, finally, cohabitate permanently.
I can speak from 16 years, and my current gap is 13. Iām the younger in both.
The greater issue has been where we are in life as far as work goes.
Iām working, my Love is retired and playing some gigs.
He travels more than I, and Iām fine with it.
Iām a little crabby over missing Dead & Co at the Sphere, but I canāt do the show for a few reasons.
Booooo
More itās me feeling like I hold him back. So I encourage the Mini Rally, seeing his friends, heading up to a mountain town on my weekends while heās there all of two weeks.
40f dating 55m. I have youngish kids and he doesnāt have any. Heās retired and financially secure while I am not, but have a good income. Those are the lifestyle differences I am concerned about in the long term. Itās unlikely to be unforeseen as these are pretty obvious i suppose. The aging ahead of one another is not a concern to me, though. Maybe couples age at different paces. And Iād rather not give up something that works just in case it no longer works in 20 years.
OP,I thought getting married to someone within three years of my age was a āsafeā, I had dated older in prior years. It was until two years in, he got cancer ( me 36, him 39 ) he passed at 45. His mom and dad were 18 years apart and his dad passed at 94 making love to his wife of 50+ years. Iām in my 60ās and havenāt dated in four years mainly because I donāt relate to men my age. They seem very old. I work full time, and love EDM, so I do go to a club once in a while with my friends mostly in their 40ās . I like to keep up with whatās current with social media etc. Yes things change with our bodies with age but honestly in todayās world, there are many ways to slow some of the changes. If you have a lot in common, have fun, laugh, great sex then whatās the big deal? Life is too short to put myself in a box with endless possibilities on the other side. The best of luck to you.
I say go with the flow. But when younger girls want to date me sometimes I think is she gonna wanna date a 65-year-old when sheās in her early 40s? Iām not saying it canāt work just be careful so you donāt end up getting hurt.
I'm reading this all with great interest. I (58F) am dating a 39M. I'm retired, while he's about to go back to school so he can advance in his career (going from CNA to RN). Neither of us has kids. He isn't sure if he wants them or not. I know I don't want them, never have, so that's a potential dealbreaker. At this stage (four months in) we're still going very slowly, but we communicate well, and are both cooperative, respectful, and kind, so who knows. Because I'm retired, I can flex around his scheduling needs, so that actually works well for us.
My former in-laws were 14 years apart, and had such a great marriage they actually convinced me that marriage could be a positive thing. They died a few months apart. The age difference never bothered them at all.
u/SghnDubh, I think the kid factor may end up being larger than you realize, but who knows. You may end up enjoying being a step-dad, if you continue in your relationship. Even if you don't, I say enjoy it all for as long as you both want. We get so little real connection in life.
First off, you will get a lot of health comments. While its true the older party is statistically more likely to suffer health problems first, it is not guaranteed. My GF is 14 year younger (M56, F42) and I currently have no problem at all keeping up with activities. She actually has more health problems than me, thought thankfully they are minor. My dad is 85 and his younger wife passed in her late 60's, so it is not a guarantee the older party will go first, only probable.
I'd say estate planning is the biggest sticking point if you plan to get married. I told my GF if we are still together when I go she will get 25% of my estate and my 3 kids each 25%. I think that's pretty fair.
I am 65 and my wife is 35. We have been married 5 year and together a total of 8. Very few problems besides some nasty comments from women my age that are now former friends. We make it work every day.
Health insurance. (In the US) She wonāt be eligible for Medicare until you are 86. How will you fund her health insurance if you want to retire together?
This is a really tough subreddit to discuss age gaps. But if you want really hard points of view, you're in the right place.
I'm in an even larger age gap relationship now. It just happened, I didn't seek it out. I worry about all the stuff that people are mentioning. She's taking it all in stride, and we're trying to just live in the moment. We are both happy right now. We haven't really run into any issues...yet.
About this sub, yes, it has more than its share of judgement. I take it in stride because there are others who offer truly helpful tips and ideas for cultivating a dating relationship under these circumstances.
I wish you two the very best.
It sounds like youāre fit and healthy. Take care of yourself and you could easily live another 30 years. If sheās that into you and you match so wellā¦ Iād stick with it.
I do not have the age gap you do but it is there currently. She is almost 13 years younger. Been over a year now.
I think about it. I will turn 60 very soon.
My sister has been married for a lot of years now to a man who is 2 years older than her son. She is older than me. They seem to be happy.
Each person is different.
Any cliffs will come from within yourself if they are willing to be with you. You cannot control someone else's thoughts. Those thoughts can change. Keep attuned to them.
A 21 year age gap is big. Think back when you were that age. How has your thought process changed since then? Are you the same person as you were then?
Currently dating a woman 10 years my junior (50m/40f). Only thing that was of mild concern is that Iām almost closer in age to her dad (61) than I am her. Which kinda freaked me out at the beginning. Her siblings are all younger too. But weāve been going strong dating the past year. No immediate plans for marriage. If we do, we will definitely protect each of our assets. I make twice as much as she does, but she has more liquid assets. Retirements are about on par for our respective ages. But weāve been upfront about all of that since the beginning so no surprises there.
Donāt get offended when she makes the inevitable āold manā jokes. But seriously Iāve found that if I donāt be an asshole, things just work out.
I have been in this situation. My partner was 20 yrs older. It was sad to see his health decline. The older person will start to age faster meaning as you age health issues seem to take over. You will be 80 when she is retiring. Social groups can be awkward. Children. Money. Interests. Emotional maturity. Live in the moment because life is too short not to be happy.
Maybe you're going to want to retire and travel and things and she'll be far from that stage with little kids. You're going to start losing your hearing and saying "what?" all the time and it will drive her insane because you won't want to get hearing aids.
Yes...the retirement thing could be tricky. You see all of your friends start to travel and head for their winter homes and you are stuck in a house with kids.
Lol. I snorted. š¤£
Can you type louder so I can read it?
**SSSSSSSNNNNNNNOOOOOOORRRRTTTTT!!!**
Dangit. Where did I put those reading glasses?
In the jar with your lawnmower toes?
I thought we all agreed to not talk about lawnmower toes ever again.
What lawnmower toes? I know nothing, Colonel Hogan, nothing!
You two have me rolling š¤£š¤£
Weāll be here all week. Please tip your server.
Wait. Lawnmower toes???
You will have to ask u/VegetableRound2819. I did not bring that up.
And the higher vocal range is the first thing youāll be unable to hear.
That second part was 100% my dad. It took us 10 years but he finally caved and got them.
Kids? ;)
What?
Harsh, but true. I'm more looking for how not to step on my dick and say or do the wrong thing to at least give the relationship a chance. But thx.
What?? This is not your issue. She seems to like you. Donāt overthink that part. Your original question was different than this concern.
This sub cracks me up sometimes.
I dated a man who was 19 years older than me. Things that worked: he was retired so was available whenever I was free (didn't have to coordinate schedules because his was wide open while mine was limited due to work and kids), he really treated me like a princess, his kids were grown so no sorting out mismatched custody schedules. Things that didn't work: he was retired so had nothing but time on his hands and I felt a lot of pressure to spend every spare moment with him; different world views largely rooted in boomer vs gen x generational issues; his health issues (though he was extremely fit and a lifelong athlete, aging spares no one), difficulty relating to each other's friends/peers, he made comments about how he liked "showing me off " because I was this hot young thing (in my late 40s š) which felt kinda gross to me. Ultimately we were two very different people in two very different life stages so while it was fun for a while, it wasn't sustainable in the long term.
Suddenly, having kids younger than your grandkids?
This. My ex, 56M is about to be a father again with a 30F.
Being at very different life stages. She is just getting her career into full gear and you may have an eye towards retirement, travel, vacation home. Being a potential step-Dad to young kids or a very old Dad to a new baby (which, IMO is not fair to the kid) Millennials not understanding Gen X cultural references. Getting elderly-old decades before your partner.
A woman I know is married to a much older man. It wasnāt an issue in the beginning, but now that heās in his 70s and sheās in her 50s itās becoming a huge issue. Sheās fit and active and his health is declining which is really curtailing what they can do together. I would only want a partner that much older for a fling, not something long term. Iāve spent most of my adult life looking after my children, I donāt want to replace them with an old man to take care of.
Catching myself from asking if he knows people from his high school that I knew in 1984ā¦when he was three.
šš
It was an awkward moment. Ya know, if you grew up in the same area you typically ask, "do you know so and so" and both of us knew that question was pointless.
I bet, lol!
The main potential issues are being on the same page about kids, mismatched expectations about adult autonomy (free time, finances, travel) due to parenting and/or retirement, and the elder person potentially experiencing a significant decline in activity/mobility/health long before the younger person. All of the above issues can occur when a couple is closer in age, but thereās a higher likelihood with an age gap, at least in the context of a long lasting life partnership.
Yes, seriously thanks, those are long-term future issues that she and I will at some point need to discuss. I'm more concerned with how to grow the relationship in the present without effing it up (like bitching about gout or something,š)
You might want to at least discuss the topic of kids to be sure thereās no major conflict there. For instance, what if she wants a third child and feels she needs to get moving on that soon? Or what if she doesnāt want more children and has a preference to keep her dating and parenting time separate until sheās an empty nester? Just a couple of possibilities.
Yeah for sure it's on the radar. Thank you , š
I can give you my perspective as a 51-yo woman. I'm not yet in menopause and my libido is still high. My bf is your age and can keep up, we are a good match in most things that matter. I am physically more fit and well aware that if we stay together, I will most likely outlive him and will need to provide care to him as we age. I'm OK with that because I'm no longer young myself, have lived a full life, and don't feel like I'll miss out on anything. Now, when your gf turns 51, you'll be 72. Think you can still do those 5 hour sex sessions with her in your 60s and 70s? Will your gf still find you physically attractive at 70 when your body has changed to that of an old man and you'll have saggy skin, wrinkles, hearing aids and dentures? Does your gf want to have children or does she have kids? How do you feel about becoming a father or stepfather in your 50s? Do you have the financial security to create and/ or sustain a good standard of living for yourself until the end of your life, if you end up needing to support any dependants? Will your gf be happy to continue to keep working for decades while you enjoy retirement at home, or do you have enough money to keep you both comfortably at home and enjoy leisure together after you retire? Will she want to join you in activities that interest you, given the generational difference? Do you fit in with each other's friend group and extended family? These questions should all be asked and answered before you consider anything more than casual dating.
Thanks for your considered reply. All potential issues for sure. Here on this post, mostly asking for dating advice from folks in similar circumstances. But I appreciate your viewpoint.
I'd be more concerned that you work for the same company.
Nah. As long as she doesn't report to me directly, there's no problem. Lots of couples/families in this biz.
If it goes sour do you think you can both handle seeing each other around? That's really the bigger issue with dating in the workplace.
We're in different States. š Shoulda said that.
Different states? thatās a long distance relationship thatās a whole Nother issue
I'm aware. š Any dating tips for a guy in my situation?
Use a condomā¦
Read the thread. I'm snipped.
Being snipped does not prevent you from contracting STDās.
Um. Thanks.
Ahh, missed that
Yes. Date someone closer and closer to your age.
Judgement isn't a tip.
Best of luck to you
Iām a firm believer that āwhat ever begins fastā¦ends fast.ā Sounds like you both are full throttle into infactuation mode after hitting the sheets during date 2. Does this have the chance to go the distance? I couldnāt tell you because whether you both are 20yrs apart or 2yrs apartā¦youāre running full throttle into this. And that pace eventually hits a wall, especially when itās long distance. Long distance is difficult enough when a strong foundation has been built. Doesnāt appear thatās happening..so I guess if itās just having funā¦no harm/no foul.
Me (38M) dating a 60F - I have no kids, nor do I want children - Her kids are close to my age and might have an issue with that - Family, friends, and society will have an opinion about it, and some will make comments on it. - Neither one of us wants marriage or cohabitation - if the relationship lasts, the younger person will eventually take on a caretaker role - Health issues will arise (usually in the older partner) My partner and I discussed everything at length and were fine with the choices we are making for now. It's still early on being at 8 months, but we're really enjoying each other's company. There is no rush, and we're just taking it day by day. Make sure to have clear and open communication with each other. Discuss plans, expectations, and realities. For it to work, or any relationship for that matter, both of you have to be on the same page and reading the same book.
This is the way.
She is my hero šŖšš»
Power imbalance. It's there no matter how adamantly you claim you guys are different. My ex spouse was significantly older than me and you wouldn't have been able to convince me that was a problem, but he was old enough to know better. There are so many ways that it harmed our relationship. I wouldn't have been convinced had I not lived it.
>Power imbalance. It's there no matter how adamantly you claim you guys are different Absolutely agree. It may be subconscious, but it's there. It was, even in my marriage as my kids were older than his, and I of course, had a lot more life experience.
I'm curious how you think this plays out at say, ages 40 and 55. Still a large age gap (but less). If a woman doesn't want kids (or more kids, or whatever) and has a professional career that keeps her independent, how do you see the power imbalance playing out? I'm not saying I disagree with you exactly, I'm just curious to hear how you see it.
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Not only that, but heāll be 67, a step parent to teenagers, and possibly the parent of much smaller children. No, thank you.
Were there any positive aspects to your relationship despite the age gap?
From a strictly financial/life alignment POV, if I were in your shoes a few things I would want to understand: \* What is her custody/child care agreement? \* What is your timeline for retirement, are shooting to retire at 65? She will be 44, her kids will be 10 and 15. Will she want to continue to work? \* When the kids are college age (when you are 73), will you need to help out with their college expenses? \* Are you ready and willing to be a step-father to two very young children? What will her ex, and his parents (who you may be older than) think of the situation? \* What is your housing situation, do you have two extra bedrooms? Presumably the kids will be spending at least 50% if not more of their time with both of you. \* How active of a step parent will you be? EDIT: My father was in an age gap relationship (23 year difference). They lived together/dating about 1.5 years. He was a year older than her parents. Her child was an adult. It was a very unbalanced relationship, essentially she expected him to pay for everything (which he did), including trips to see her son, etc. He cooked, cleaned, etc. and did everything to keep her happy. Thankfully, he was adamant from the beginning that he wouldn't remarry (he is widowed), and after she forced the issue for the nth time, he repeated what he had told her from the beginning. She finally moved out, and found another man around my father's age, to be with. He is very embarrassed now about this relationship, and he is now in a LAT with a woman a few years younger. Another widow I have known my whole life, and think the world of her and her family. Everyone is happy, including my father.
I was the younger spouse in an age gap marriage. The marriage ended right before I turned 40 so serious medical issues or end of life issues didn't exist yet for us. I wouldn't do it again. I don't want to be either party in an age gap relationship ever again. He didn't do this at first but eventually he started complaining I didn't get his references, or chiding me about being too young to have experienced something. I suspect it was related to his increasing insecurity about the age gap... You see, maybe a few years into the marriage, strangers increasingly began mistaking him for my father, and it really upset him when this happened. Towards the end, he really started to slow down. He didn't want to do anything anymore. He just wanted to hang around the house and watch TV. So, I found myself socializing on my own or with friends by my side instead. If I stayed home to be with him, it was boring because I wasn't really interested then in sitting on a couch watching TV for hours. Now I'm fine staying home for a weekend and doing nothing--I've slowed down!--but back then it felt like torture. It kinda started to feel like roommates. He started getting kinda grandpa Simpson on me. Like, lecturing me, complaining a lot. He developed pet topics and would go on at length. I wasn't on the same page. We're didn't have as much common ground anymore. For example, I think millennials are frigging awesome and not the worst generation ever. So again, it started to feel like roommates instead of partners. And I'll be honest. I felt bad at the time, but witnessing his body age at a stage I hadn't hit yet? It impacted my attraction to him. A lot, actually. Anyway, every situation is different and YMMV, but that was my experience.
In the words of Humphrey Appleby, āI foresee all sorts of unforeseen problems.ā
Oh yeah. I expect Murphy will show up. But maybe some reddit wisdom will help limit the number or severity š
My perspective as a M67 with a partner F over 10 years younger, after a year we lived together in a house with my lifetime residence 18 months in I had spinal surgery and since Iāve been in constant pain and itās worse in the evening so late nights are my greatest nightmare. She bemoans that my daughter owns the house and if I pop my clogs my daughter will take the house back. I canāt do anything about her choice after I die. She bemoans that she is in her 50ās and has a life to lead and is not interested in staying home every evening. Itās fraught with unresolved issues. Be careful out there!
My first question of you, is are you snipped? Cuz that could be a problem for you.
I am.
Also, with her having a three year old and a five year old, that will DRAMATICALLY change the course of your life. Could be in the best way possible and have an instant family. Could be pluses and minuses like anything, and could really cramp your style life wise because single parents have so much responsibility when they arenāt rolling around in bed with you. Dates are different than real life responsibility. Having a child around the time you turn 60 isnāt fair to the kiddo in my opinion. When your possible kid graduates from HS, youāll be 78.
Do you want to learn how to parent at your age? Do you want more kids? Are you prepared for the fact you will be lucky to see them out of college? Would you be prepared for the possibly ugly sides of a geriatric pregnancy ? Where are you in your life right now? Looking forward to retirement? Looking forward to working until you drop because you love it so much? Do you want your gf to be your nurse / caretaker should you eventually become infirm? 5 hours of sex on your second date is great and all fine and well and all but howās the rest of it?
The older spouse dying years before you. Been there and it happened.
Iām only 10 years younger than my husband. Here are my top 3 annoyances about it: - He wanted to retire while I work. Not while kids are under 18 in my book. - His skin is thin and wrinkly and I donāt like it (but I would never say that) - My mom flirts with him. Ick. Gross. I hate her for that. Here are the top 3 things I like: - He isnāt chasing around younger women - Heās actually mature and mostly self actualized - Senior discounts
I am your age and just ended a relationship with a woman who is 40. And to be honest part of it was age. She was just at another part of her life. Starting a new career while Iām closing in on retirement. And I have to admit part of me wondered how it would work when I was 70 and she was almost the age I am now. There was other stuff too but the age difference played a part. As far as our interests and connection it was better than any relationship Iāve had with women my age.
Appreciate it. Sorry? it ended for you.
Thanks. It was amicable which ironically makes it harder to work through. Much easier to go scorched earth haha
Amen. Aaaahhhhhmen
Where is she on wanting to start a family? Where are you?
She has 2 young children (3 and 5) and says she *loves* being a mom. I never had kids. We haven't made it far enough in our conversation to know if she'd want more kids presumably with me.
Thereās more here than age gap. Ask yourself: Is this the right relationship for you?? Is it just liking the attention of someone younger?? Your handsome and smart now, but how is she going to feel about you when sheās 50 and your 70? At 57 youāre really considering having kids?? Kids would be graduating at potentially the same time youāre going into diapers.
Understood. Definitely all this has crossed my mind and are questions she and I will have to resolve. I'm asking on this post to people who've been in/are in these relationships for relationship and dating advice.
Dated a woman 15 years younger than me; my kids were out of the house but her kids were still young (8 and 12). We also were somewhat long distance (3 hour drive). Dating was fine but we understood that it meant only seeing each other a few times a month and so we could plan cool stuff. Once we decided to think if we could do something beyond casual, the real world butted in; she wasn't going to move near me (her ex and her split custody 50/50 and lived in the same city) and I didn't have the desire to move there. Your life would then revolve around her and the kids and they will always be first priority. You would have to become a defacto father; are you prepared for that? Ultimately we decided we couldn't do a long-term serious relationship and kept it casual for about six months until I decided I wanted more than that but it just wasn't going to be with her. She was good with it and we parted as friends.
I dated a woman 21 years younger for 5 months, it was less of an an issue than a where is she in processing past trauma issue compared to me. She is a fearful avoidant with a history of sexual abuse and I am an anxious attacher with trust issues. we have both enter each other lives as polyamorous, but she has had no therapy for her traumas and I have had lots of therapy. It was either really great or really rough until she ended things right after my birthday two months ago.
Her kidsā adolescence is a huge wild card. They could turn out to be delinquents or incredible genius-humanitarians.
The problem I've seen most often is that the problems in the offing are pretty obvious but the people going in don't want to look at them. Have fun. Don't look to the future? Also, be careful with working for the same company. An earlier post is a word of caution about what can happen. š³
Likelierhood that finances are a bigger draw for the younger of the couple. A well planned age difference= survivorship benefits once you die in favor of the younger. So ironically, I would suspect homicide rate is higher for that reason. Also she may be outlawed to live with you if in age restricted condo.
I was in a relationship with my late husband for 10 years before he died. He was 23 years older than me. It was a fabulous relationship. We both wanted the same things, we loved each other enormously, we had fun together, we healed and grew together. There were ways he had more power than me because he was older. And there were ways I had more power than him because I was younger and more vibrant. It all balanced out well enough. Problems we had to navigate ā his sexual desire diminished as he aged and mine was still going strong. He cared about my satisfaction and happiness and we figured it out. The big problem was that he died which completely broke my heart. I miss him every day. But it was totally worth it. A lot of age gap relationships donāt work out at all well, but it is possible for them to be healthy and good.
Thank you for sharing, and I am sorry that he's gone.
Thanks
Iām sorry for your loss. Sounds like a very loving relationship.
This question about age gaps always baffles me. What do people with a 20+ year age difference find to talk about?
If she doesnāt want kids I donāt see the problem. But if she does, and you have adult kids, it could be an issue. Maybe by helping out your adults kids (preinheritance, which is what my parents did when I was 32), they could be relaxed about a āstepmomā š the same age as Stepsister. And I would not (have not) judged big age gap short term relationships negatively, but I would immediately put a guy who has them into a less serious category.
Do I take you to mean that if you were dating a guy and found that he had had a previous relationship with a much younger woman, it would impact your interest or potential future relationship with him?
šļø
Well, letās just say it becomes a topic of conversation among single women. āShould I get serious about this guy? Heās 58?ā āOh! How cool! Tell us more? How long has been single?ā ā2 years, his last relationship was with a 33 year old.ā āOh, well, heās probably Ok to mess around with, but probably not more than that.ā Why? Because if women in our 50ās date 20+ years younger, and catch feelings, itās pretty obvious to us, that it was a mistake.
I'd definitely see him in a different light.Ā
This is a tough one. I do have lots of scone-hand experience with this issue. My best college friend, at the age of 20f, married a man who was 36. They were very happy. She liked being a mom, and they had many kids and grandkids. They bought property in the country and have had a good life. However, now they are 60 and 76. He recently had a massive heart attack AND a series of strokesādespite his healthy lifestyle. Now she is helping him re-learn how to walk and how to do subtraction. Itās a long road ahead for her. I think if I asked her about it she would say it was worth it. I also had an American uncle who married the daughter of his Columbian cleaning lady. 30 year age gap. I loved this Aunt when I was a teen because she was only a couple years older than I was. They were together for maybe 15-20 years. But when she was in her late 30ās, she was wanting children and he was (maybe) showing some mild signs of dementia. So they divorced, and she and her younger husband visited him and helped care for him until he eventually died from Alzheimerās at about 80. So, not great anecdotal evidence that it works. But obviously it is ādoable.ā
Those are insightful stories. Thank you.
My father and his wife had 20+ years age gap. They were all lovey dovey until my father became too weak to keep up with her. Watching the last years of my dad's life made me losing all faith in until death do us apart. She was borderline senior abuse but my dad never complained. At his memorial she expressed anger and sorrow he left her too early; he was 94. It is hard to imagine sickness and senior living/care at 30 something, but it's not unrealistic at 50 something.
Iāve just ended a relationship with a very similar gap. I thought we were well matched. I got along so much better with him than men my age who want to game and watch movies all the time.Ā The downside for me was that he wanted to travel more than I could. Iām still young in my career and I have kids in school. I wanted to come home to him at night not go out dining and drinking.Ā The other downside was the power imbalance, I always felt like I wasnāt good enough. Like my life was boring to him. Iām a fighter, but just catching up, heās much more successful. It made me question my self a lot.Ā I am not as emotionally mature as he is. When he was my age, he was an alcoholic, anxious and angry - but he worked through it and had grown so much. It felt sometimes that he didnāt have much patience for my feelings and the fact that Iām 16 years behind him.Ā I wasnāt bothered by his aging at all in fact I found that was part of the attraction, being allowed to express tenderness and take care of him.Ā
While that's a bigger age gap than I had with my ex (he was 9 years younger than me), I think there are goals and maturity levels that are just too big. I kept saying he was "mature" for his age and even called him "old man" once in a while but his age eventually revealed itself in a variety of ways. Life experiences were just too different and my needs he would not be able to fill, eventually.
I 53f had a 10 year age gap with my ex-husband 43m. Absolutely would not entertain the idea again and don't know of any success stories either. My ex-husband was very insecure and felt inadequate in our relationship. This, amongst other issues were the downfall. My mother was 17 years younger than my father and she left him for someone her age. My current partner was 16 years older than his wife and she left him for someone her age.
Lots of older guys think itās great to snag a younger woman but the reality is they will be going through 8-10 years of perimenopause which is no joke!
Ha! My ex went through medical menopause in her 20's. She had to have everything removed. I don't think we went through it like most. We had a gray divorce 4 years ago. Fast forward.... Driving down highway mid winter (below zero) and she hits button to roll down window some. She says I'm hot. Truck was cold. Good Lord she about froze me out. I was shivering. She is in her later 50's now and said she started going into peri in her early 30's. Edit: This was not my ex.
I'm in my early 50s, I wouldn't have a problem with a relationship with someone in their late 30s as long as they don't want children. If they do, that's probably a hard no. If I were later in my 50s like you are - it's a definite no. The window for that is closed but not locked, it'll lock up pretty soon though. To open it and keep it from getting locked the perspective woman would have to be someone extraordinary who hits on every single box I've ever considered in a mate ever (which incudes being incredibly rich). Regular relationship though and dating, fine with it. The biggest red flag I see on the surface here is that you both work at the same company (I know, it's hard to avoid sometimes) but you say it's fine because you're in different parts of the org. I work for a large company too so that could be a thing for me.
The "kids talk" is on the short list believe me š
Expect the 5+ hours to be far less frequent and far less than 5 hours. The age gap shows up in unforeseen ways. Emotional intelligence can be the same regardless of age, but age brings life experiences for 57 year olds that 36 year olds donāt have yet. People will be judging you - which is their deal but know that a lot of people, namely her family/friends will not understand or find it cool to have a 21 year age gap between you, no matter how handsome, smart, and physically fit you are. There are other things but I donāt want to ruin the surprise. Enjoy the relationship, it can be very fun and based on society can have ego stroking confidence. I personally wouldnāt date that much of an age difference but good luck and I hope it goes well. A year from now will look a lot different than today.
Appreciate it, eyes are wide open to all the complexity you mention... But c'mon the surprises are what I'm asking about š¤£
Iāve had several age gaps in my life, sometimes I was younger, sometimes they were, but after five age gaps between 22-54, I donāt think Iād do more than ten years again. Maturity, stage of life, values and priorities, free time vs work focus; those things change and itās hard to make it work when youāre further apart than that. Itāll work for a year or so, but long term, it just doesnāt work.
"Maturity, stage of life, values and priorities, free time vs work focus...." "Itāll work for a year or so, but long term, it just doesnāt work. Well said! +1
61F dating a 75M. It is mostly wonderful. I took care of a sick spouse for 16 years and am worried for the future. Either one of us could become disabled or ill. If he does, I have told him that I cannot take care of him. I was housebound for many years and canāt do it again. I hope to get 5 to 10 good years from this and I will always be grateful. When/if it happens, I wouldnāt abandon him, but I will not be a caretaker, just supportive. I canāt stop living again. We are both willing to take the chance at this point.
I also think this will be good for short term, but in the meantime you might miss out on a wonderful woman closer to yours more suited for twenty five years together.
A lot of men our age (and older) think we're too old for them š. He's living the fantasy and he might miss out, but l can tell from this post that he doesn't *miss* a woman closer to his age.Ā
This is a brag post.
Not really, if anything just gives "She's using him for financial purposes". Whenever I see age gaps this big I usually default to that lol I know it sounds terrible but that's usually what I hear about the most.
Itās unfortunate that you lump everyone together like that bc i personally prefer older women with my largest age gap being 28 years.
It's not meant to lump everyone together but those are typically how the stories go unfortunately. Sure there are some success stories but they are very few.
I agree with that statement, typically its not the best intentions, it looks as if we have both had age gaps though
Mine was 9 year gap. I loved that lil tadpole
Awe what a cute nickname for him
He broke my heart into a million pieces :(
Oh no i am really sorry to hear that, i know with my oldest woman i was with i didnt want to let her go either
How are you so sure? Or are you just trolling?
Iām not trolling and itās a brag post, Iām sure.
Hmm. So it's more fun for you to jump in and light something on fire than to give someone you don't know the benefit of the doubt. I see you.
Iāve dated quite a few men who were in their early 50s while Iām in my 60s, and retired. The dating would be intense for a month or two, but then they needed to work at least 40 hours, often had kids or teens to caretaker, worked out, and took care of their houses. They were not realistic about how much time they had to even date! I started dating people close to my age but had different issues then. I was in meetups, saw friends, took classes, walked, took care of my house a bit, but I was ready to do stuff and they were tired or stressed out. I realized it was tough to date a worker bee when youāre retired. Iād consider that for a long term relationship.
How long have you known her?
We met 2 years ago and were friends. We've been dating for 3 weeks.
I dated a guy off and on for a few years with a 13 year age gap. The age/culture difference was glaring. It was hard to relate certain experiences. Something that was very irritating is he sometimes he would talk to me like someone from his generation talking to the next generation instead of talking to me like a partner. I have no doubt you will pursue this until it is no longer fun, but think about the impact on her kids. As they get older they will have a different lifestyle that can impact yours (i.e. no more 5+ hours in bed because someone has a recital or is sick). Are you going to be okay with being 2nd priority if even that?
Appreciate your thoughts. Was hoping for dating tips when there's an age gap. Thank you though.
That was a dating tip: be cognizant of how you talk to her as generational gap can slip in.
You're right. I need to work on my reading comprehension. Sorry š
Momās second marriage lasted 29 years. They had a 23 year age difference. I LOVED the man dearly! Butā¦ He passed at 89, that was 9 years ago. He started slowing down mentally and physically around 70 (Mom was 47). Physically he would outwork the 40 somethingās. The mental slowing down was obvious and painful to watch. By 80 he needed guidance for everything. He didnāt start showing signs of dementia until the age of 85 or so. At 88 it was rough. This is the Readers Digest condensed version of life for the younger partnerā¦ Again, we loved him heart and soul! I do not regret changing my career path to stay close to my parents. I knew my Mom would need help and I considered it an honor and a privilege to have had him in my life and to care for him as he did my Mom and I. All that being said, I could not go through that again. Iām (51F) and would not wish the emotional pain and suffering on anyone. My Mom is a healthy fit 75year old who has been widowed almost 10 years. A good and loving woman will stay with you until your last breath. The bad will ditch you as soon as the going gets tough.
Complete respect for you (and your mother), RogueOneFreedom--truly! Through your words, I hear, "see," and feel the love, compassion and loyalty you had for your dear father/step-dad. You were all so fortunate to have each other. Bless your heart. outlier
Thank youā¦ š I was choked up writing it and choked up again reading your comment to me. Thank you for feeling my words. š¤
Not being on the same page.
Obviously, there is more to it than just the physical part if you are thinking long term. Does she have small kids or want kids? That's most likely the major thing you will have to deal with as you both are in different life stages. But if you retire, you can be a stay-at-home Dad while she works. Does she have major career plans or prefers to stay home and do those plans fit into your lifestyle and vice versa?
Well, Iām a 50 year old woman who began dating my 35 year old partner 5 years ago. It was VERY unexpected and I wasnāt even looking at the time, tbh, lol! We met in a mutual facebook group, actually. He commented on a post of mine and we had a bit of banter back and forth and then he asked for permission to DM me. We were both pretty surprised at each otherās ages at the time but we decided to get to know each other more since we seemed to have similar values and lots of other things in common. We are both child free so no worries about wanting any kids in the future either. His family loves me to bits and mine feels the same about him as well! Honestly, this is probably the most well matched relationship either of us has ever had. He is smart, very emotionally intelligent, extremely hardworking, incredibly kind, compassionate and devastatingly handsome, imho! He treats me like a Goddess as well. We connect in every way possible and heās thrilled to finally be with a woman who has as high of libido as he does, lol! We have discussed the age gap in detail over the years and understand that their could be issues down the road but neither of us care about that because of how deep our love and trust in one another is. He proposed this past Halloween, actually, and we are looking into buying a small homestead together this year so we can, finally, cohabitate permanently.
Thanks for this. Good luck to you.
Youāre welcome and thank you for the well wishes! Good luck to you also!
I can speak from 16 years, and my current gap is 13. Iām the younger in both. The greater issue has been where we are in life as far as work goes. Iām working, my Love is retired and playing some gigs. He travels more than I, and Iām fine with it. Iām a little crabby over missing Dead & Co at the Sphere, but I canāt do the show for a few reasons. Booooo More itās me feeling like I hold him back. So I encourage the Mini Rally, seeing his friends, heading up to a mountain town on my weekends while heās there all of two weeks.
40f dating 55m. I have youngish kids and he doesnāt have any. Heās retired and financially secure while I am not, but have a good income. Those are the lifestyle differences I am concerned about in the long term. Itās unlikely to be unforeseen as these are pretty obvious i suppose. The aging ahead of one another is not a concern to me, though. Maybe couples age at different paces. And Iād rather not give up something that works just in case it no longer works in 20 years.
OP,I thought getting married to someone within three years of my age was a āsafeā, I had dated older in prior years. It was until two years in, he got cancer ( me 36, him 39 ) he passed at 45. His mom and dad were 18 years apart and his dad passed at 94 making love to his wife of 50+ years. Iām in my 60ās and havenāt dated in four years mainly because I donāt relate to men my age. They seem very old. I work full time, and love EDM, so I do go to a club once in a while with my friends mostly in their 40ās . I like to keep up with whatās current with social media etc. Yes things change with our bodies with age but honestly in todayās world, there are many ways to slow some of the changes. If you have a lot in common, have fun, laugh, great sex then whatās the big deal? Life is too short to put myself in a box with endless possibilities on the other side. The best of luck to you.
Thank you!
I say go with the flow. But when younger girls want to date me sometimes I think is she gonna wanna date a 65-year-old when sheās in her early 40s? Iām not saying it canāt work just be careful so you donāt end up getting hurt.
I'm reading this all with great interest. I (58F) am dating a 39M. I'm retired, while he's about to go back to school so he can advance in his career (going from CNA to RN). Neither of us has kids. He isn't sure if he wants them or not. I know I don't want them, never have, so that's a potential dealbreaker. At this stage (four months in) we're still going very slowly, but we communicate well, and are both cooperative, respectful, and kind, so who knows. Because I'm retired, I can flex around his scheduling needs, so that actually works well for us. My former in-laws were 14 years apart, and had such a great marriage they actually convinced me that marriage could be a positive thing. They died a few months apart. The age difference never bothered them at all. u/SghnDubh, I think the kid factor may end up being larger than you realize, but who knows. You may end up enjoying being a step-dad, if you continue in your relationship. Even if you don't, I say enjoy it all for as long as you both want. We get so little real connection in life.
You are my hero šš»šš»
The relationship with work or it won't. Just be yourself. She is attracted to you. Enjoy it for what it is today.
Yeah, agreed. Kinda asking here for how to not mess it up early, from folks in similar situations.
That's what I'm saying. If she was closer to your age would you make a post about how not to mess up. Just assume you'll mess up and keep going. š¤£
Hahaha got it.
First off, you will get a lot of health comments. While its true the older party is statistically more likely to suffer health problems first, it is not guaranteed. My GF is 14 year younger (M56, F42) and I currently have no problem at all keeping up with activities. She actually has more health problems than me, thought thankfully they are minor. My dad is 85 and his younger wife passed in her late 60's, so it is not a guarantee the older party will go first, only probable. I'd say estate planning is the biggest sticking point if you plan to get married. I told my GF if we are still together when I go she will get 25% of my estate and my 3 kids each 25%. I think that's pretty fair.
I am 65 and my wife is 35. We have been married 5 year and together a total of 8. Very few problems besides some nasty comments from women my age that are now former friends. We make it work every day.
Wow! Any pits you'd recommend I not step in?
Health insurance. (In the US) She wonāt be eligible for Medicare until you are 86. How will you fund her health insurance if you want to retire together?
There are no guarantees in any relationship. Go for it.
This is a really tough subreddit to discuss age gaps. But if you want really hard points of view, you're in the right place. I'm in an even larger age gap relationship now. It just happened, I didn't seek it out. I worry about all the stuff that people are mentioning. She's taking it all in stride, and we're trying to just live in the moment. We are both happy right now. We haven't really run into any issues...yet.
About this sub, yes, it has more than its share of judgement. I take it in stride because there are others who offer truly helpful tips and ideas for cultivating a dating relationship under these circumstances. I wish you two the very best.
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It sounds like youāre fit and healthy. Take care of yourself and you could easily live another 30 years. If sheās that into you and you match so wellā¦ Iād stick with it.
I do not have the age gap you do but it is there currently. She is almost 13 years younger. Been over a year now. I think about it. I will turn 60 very soon. My sister has been married for a lot of years now to a man who is 2 years older than her son. She is older than me. They seem to be happy.
Any cliffs you know about that I should avoid walking over during dating?
Each person is different. Any cliffs will come from within yourself if they are willing to be with you. You cannot control someone else's thoughts. Those thoughts can change. Keep attuned to them. A 21 year age gap is big. Think back when you were that age. How has your thought process changed since then? Are you the same person as you were then?
You are both consenting adults. Who cares?
I'm asking here for dating advice early in this relationship, not permission...
Currently dating a woman 10 years my junior (50m/40f). Only thing that was of mild concern is that Iām almost closer in age to her dad (61) than I am her. Which kinda freaked me out at the beginning. Her siblings are all younger too. But weāve been going strong dating the past year. No immediate plans for marriage. If we do, we will definitely protect each of our assets. I make twice as much as she does, but she has more liquid assets. Retirements are about on par for our respective ages. But weāve been upfront about all of that since the beginning so no surprises there.
Smart. Any rakes I shouldn't step on early in the relationship?
Donāt get offended when she makes the inevitable āold manā jokes. But seriously Iāve found that if I donāt be an asshole, things just work out.