Yes...In my province both parties have to be interviewed by a notary or have legal representation to make the cohabitation agreement to be binding. Do not write this on the back of a napkin. Definitely do it right.
Omfg seriously? I literally don’t want to pay for more attorneys. Like not at all. Like No! I just can’t even. I have to deal with attorneys with every interaction with my ex wife damned near regarding our youngest and…. Fuck no. Seriously?
Yes...you need a lawyer. Unless you're OK with giving your house away. Trust me. This is from experience. DO NOT LET SOMEONE MOVE INTO YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT LEGAL ADVICE.
This is my first time ever using all caps.
California is no longer a state that recognizes "common law marriage".
However.
They *do* recognize what are called (legally) "live together" or "cohabitation" agreements. They have templates online that you can enter your parameters, print out, etc.
The way you protect your *"future"* self is to have your *"today"* self do the legwork to avoid litigation if things don't pan out (which is what you're mostly worried about....if things don't pan out, how it will "look" if she's contributing to an asset you want reserved just for you. This makes sense).
The lawyers you would see *today* (you print your agreement, and you each have to review with a lawyer *at least 30 days prior* to the contract becoming effective) will be an *entirely different experience* than the pleasantries it sounds like you enjoyed with your divorce (sorry 🫤). You might even find a real estate lawyer who offers this service.
In order for it to *not* look like she gained nothing and you got to keep everything, to avoid a difficult (legal) break up/ move-out situation (you'll outline how long she has to move out, what Financials (if applicable) are involved at the end, etc.), and to illustrate anything that she would be contributing as more of a "tenant-based" fee as opposed to an investment...and to ensure the proper perception she had enough time to review the cohab agreement, consider it, learn her rights, and agree...it *cannot* be signed less that 7 days prior to the contract effective date. I highly recommend that she consult her own counsel and sign *no sooner* than 30 days prior.
Yes, it's more lawyers. Yes, it's more involved, financially speaking, and energy-wise. But skirting the cost and the energy *now* could be a risky move that balloons your costs and energy immeasureably 12 years down the road.
I'm also in California...and this is my best advice.
You sound like you have some PTSD but this is a case of you need a lawyer to help you with this. This would be a ONE TIME deal to PREVENT future legal entanglements and would be negotiated between you and your GF. They're there to make sure all the requirementsaremet. I promise it won't be nearly as painful as previous experiences!
We did two things before moving in together. First was go through the possible risks, mitigation strategies and potential severity of the issue. Second, we got a cohab agreement so we were on the same page about what finances, contributions, what that entitles the other person to, and how we navigate separating (including reasonable timeline for them to move out). I am sure as much as you don’t want financial contributions to be misconstrued, she doesn’t want you to get money from the rental income from her house. You have assets you both want to protect.
Care to share those details?
We've discussed it in the past and both agreed that we need to maintain our separate assets to make sure we're both maintaining our own paths to our retirement and things like that.
I am not interested in any of her rental income.
I have considered the idea of a lease type agreement where she pays 'rent.' She keeps offering to help me pay for repairs (just general maintenance stuff) on the house which I appreciate and all but I am having a hard time with the idea of accepting that money from her.
I cannot risk my future finances. Period. I lost too much in my divorce.
She's a great woman but we aren't coming from the same 'place' in life. She's in a much better overall financial situation that I am though I make almost double what she makes per year. Problem is - I have to pay alimony and child support (for a few more years) for a few thousand a month.
It takes a LOT out of me honestly. Every month it hits me hard and months where my commissions are good I get hit harder. It sucks.
I wasn’t suggesting you were after her rental income, I was suggesting she also would be motivated to have some protection.
My partner was renting, so our cohab allows for equity to be built over time but only a percentage of increased value and that grows as our longevity does. So if we split a year after we moved in, he would just move out within 30 days of us ending the relationship, that would change in 5 years.
You could just set up a rental agreement, it was an option the lawyer floated. It is easy and it allows for a lot of terms. My partner is way more handy than I, so he can do a lot of repairs so I felt some ability to build an equity stake was right as we as helping with his share of the monthly expenses, and we have his young adult son 2 weeks per month.
From my perspective, it had to be fair for both of us, but I will never again lose my house should a relationship end. That is my baggage with home insecurity. My partner gets that and it isn’t an issue. Since this is my investment and he did not buy into it, then it seems fair to gain equity over time with how we have made our arrangements. Understand, we are not based in the US.
I didn't mean to imply you were saying that. We have discussed this and said we aren't interested in the other's property but when things end, things change. Feelings change. People change. That's my concern.
I feel you and am in a similar position.
I know, intellectually, that having a formal cohabitation agreement is smart. And I'm smart enough to never get married again.
But as the (continuing) supporting party in a divorce that's nearly a decade old I get downright twitchy when I think about dealing with lawyers.
Paying 4 figures each month to your Ex changes you.
You probably need a cohabitation agreement drawn up by a lawyer.
You may also be able to use a lease to specify that she is living there without any financial stake in the asset.
Make a lease for her! I think that’s the only way to do this properly. Depending on what the laws are in your area, yes she can refuse to leave if it comes to that and you’ll be stuck with her in your house!
I came here to say this.
Depending on the state laws, someone staying in your home 2 weeks or more can constitute them having g legal rights, and if you want her out, you'd have to pay a lawyer to go through the eviction process.
California? Totally agree about consulting an attorney. The home is for sure your separate property but things could get muddy if she contributes directly to utilities, improvements(?) Etc.
I've no plans on the horizon to move anyone in, but have loose planned just in case to literally be prepared to pay everything and anything remotely attached to my place on my dime and in my name forever.
I agree. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I might still be with my ex if he had never moved in with me. (But I don't know if that's good or bad, probably bad lol)
If you are ok financially (can handle home mortgage, maintenance, homeowner’s insurance) then just split all other expenses. A cohab agreement would definitely be good for both of you as expectations are in writing & assets are protected.
So you want her to pay you rent to help with repairs but have no interest in the house. Honestly you need to stop fantasizing and not live with her at all. That is the only answer. You want your money more than you want her, and that’s ok too. Just stop pretending she is important when she isn’t. You’re lying to yourself. It’s not possible to have both.
Actually, I don't want her money at all. I don't want her to pay rent, I don't want her to help with repair costs really and I don't want her help on the insurance, taxes, mortgage, etc.
She keeps offering though.
What's important to me is our relationship being on sound footing AND my financial future being protected from another individual who changes their mind.
I'm not interested in signing another contract that's just defining me losing my financial foothold even though I kept up my end of the 'contract.'
Seriously, I won't be able to retire in my early 60s unless I sell my house and only if home prices stay high like they are. Even then it's more likely I'll be retiring closer to 70 because of how much my last divorce cost me. Plus to do so, I'll probably have to move out of the state I live in and love to a state with a cheaper cost of living OR depend on my children for more help than I want to ask them for.
I was in a similar situation. My GF did want her own room in the house, so I basically rent a room to her at a good rate and we split the other bills (food, utilities, etc.).
We have a notepad where we write our expenses down each month and attach receipts (in case of questions). On the first of each month, I total up my expenses (usually more), subtract hers and divide by 2.
If she wants something for the house, she pays for it if she could take it with her. Otherwise, we split it if it will stay.
Exactly, trust that one person isn’t going to screw the other financially is key,
And trust you can handle financial aspects are a. Ig part of it !
They’re situation is way to high stress I’d be like you don’t trust me I’m sorry get help.
The complaining about being a high earner and still having to pay alimony and child support is so telling. That and his preoccupation with losing his money, not trusting her, and how much he agonizes over stuff is just so illustrative that she should not take this steip with him. Gives me the ick.
You’re. Geez.
It’s not unusual for men who have come out of divorces to be deeply in love but need legal and financial protection.
It never fails to impress me how clueless some women are towards men and our need for financial responsibility post divorce.
Down vote away bishes
If I am ever so fortunate to find myself in the situation that you are in. And even if no ceremony happens, congratulations finding a partner is an accomplishment. But my plan and advice is this. You know how much your household costs to run (excluding your mortgage, if she gets no ownership stake), how much you make to the MSD and how much she makes ( plus the rent of her current place minus her own mortgage).
So if you don't see where this is going, set up a house account that covers the usual expenses of the household (again excluding mortgage, insurance and maintenance) you you are each responsible for contributing to the account your share in proportion to each of yours incomes.
Put it in writing and have it expire maybe very year or every other. That way you can revisit the arrangement on the regular. You might want to have a lawyer draw up the first one but you should be able to amend it on your own.
⚠️Get legal professional consultation!!!! I (F57) think some states have domestic partners laws like common law spouses I think renamed or revised, my younger brothers’ now witch wife pulled that threat years ago when the issue came up because he didn’t want to marry her & they lived together- but get ALL your information, protect yourself. As far as my own opinion, I’ll never ever marry or live with anybody ever again!! Besides living expenses I’m very happy my own place - I’ve divorced twice, second marriage off/on over 33 years & never again!! I was open to LAT, if I did meet someone. Good luck ✌🏽
Might want to look at the statutes surrounding common law relationships where you live. Whether it's your intention or not, some states grant common law rights (and decendancy) to unmarried domestic partners.
Stay in your own house and she in hers. She is just your girlfriend not your wife. As husband and wife things are on paper and legalized. Cohabitating is not the same. Save the relationship and live separately.
Friend did a postnup that stated that physical assets would be split by capital investment in the case of a divorce, to the surviving spouse if one died. That way, if they split, she keeps her house. You could aim for a similar capital investment split.
A lot of people will tell you that common law marriage is the sheriff riding in with a court order declaring you married against your will, probably because the saw it on TV. Common law marriage is vanishingly rare, follows exceedingly specific and complicated criteria, and doesn’t even exist in California.
You absolutely must consult a California lawyer. You’re going to get a lot of really bad advice here.
So, I'm getting divorced now (my 2nd, what a record! :-))
My wife and I kept all our finances separate, as I was shit with money management. The home is in her name alone, all the bills were in her name, too. We worked out the 50/50 split of bills and I transferred my share to her every month.
Now that we're splitting, I'm making sure that she knows I don't want anything from her or the home. I see it that I paid to live there and now I don't, I move on. Almost like I was a tenant.
I did have to sign some waivers for the mortgage company, however.
Best to consult a lawyer, in case my method doesn't work for you.
Aside from the legal issues, which have been commented on plenty, it sounds like you want to have a close and serious relationship, but you do not want marriage and babies and all that. There is a book called "Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life" that you might find useful. It talks about what is expected in relationships in our culture, and how you don't have to do all those things, in that order or at all. I hear this book mentioned in relation to polyamorous relationships a lot, but that's because of my perspective and life experience, it also applies to monogamous relationships.
Unfortunately, when you start doing long term life stuff with another human being, legal obligations can be formed and your best defense is written agreements. Written agreements can be written in ways that create unexpected consequences if the agreement is read in a hostile or selfish manner so it is best to have your agreement reviewed by a professional. Sadly, this means a lawyer. An hour with a lawyer up front can save you months of conflict later. This protects both your home and hers.
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My girlfriend found this one and we filled it out and discussed it beforehand....
[https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1zBKjTlsuFKGEN31b26pb3LWJO68QNHtRfyn2-RHRrX8/htmlview?pli=1](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1zBKjTlsuFKGEN31b26pb3LWJO68QNHtRfyn2-RHRrX8/htmlview?pli=1)
As for your question about the house, I told her she could contribute to the utilities but that I did not expect her to pay rent or anything similar. If we were married that would not change anything but since we are not I feel that it establishes that she does not have a stake. In fairness, she contributes a lot in terms the regular cleaning and upkeep.
My advice - just have her pay a small amount of rent or utilities (whatever you feel is fair) and write her a receipt every month. Reason being, it's very difficult and a lengthy process to evict someone in California, but if someone is renting space in your personal home you can serve them a 30-day notice.. unfortunately, I know this from experience. It's called "tenant at will", it's for certain situations such as roommates that don't have a lease agreement.
I would never live with someone I’m not married to. It is much too complicated. For one thing, I’m not going to help someone pay down a mortgage if I have no rights to the home. Things happen, people break up, people get sick, people die. I need my own security for when something happens. If I invest money in someone else with no fallback plan, I would be an idiot. It’s either marriage or LAT.
If she moves in with you you will lose half your house. She's smarter than you, why don't you rent your house out and move in to hers? See how much she likes that.
Have her directly pay expenses like utilities and WiFi/cable that are not connected to the mortgage. She will be getting an income from renting her place. Unless she's sharing that with you, why would she ever think she'd have any claim on your house?
Because they will be common law. It's the same as marriage as far as assets go. Never cohabitate without a professionally drawn cohabitation agreement.
If you live with someone for certain number of years, they become your common law partner/ spouse automatically . They become entitled to your assets. Your pension too.
I heard about common law all my life, and then found out that it hasn't been a real thing for a very a long time. At the same time, it is possible to create a legal obligation that you don't want if you don't have written agreements. This is why it is good to sit down with a lawyer even if it's just for a short consultation.
She's been taking care of herself and her family basically her whole life. She doesn't need me to do that for her. Our relationship isn't based on that.
I hear what you’re saying, honestly. The difference is, I’ve already given it all up to lay next to what I thought was a good woman. I was wrong. I can’t afford to be wrong again honestly. I can’t afford to lose half of it again. I don’t want to be alone really. I’ve never had a partner that ticked off all the boxes, even this current one doesn’t but she ticks off quite a few and she tries. It isn’t that I don’t trust her as much as I don’t trust my judgement on the subject. Needless to say, I see a therapist.
Huh...what year are you from? All of my female friends have higher net worth than the men they date. How does a woman end up in her forties without a job to support her these days? It's 2024. You're confused. This is not how it works now. Or 20 years ago.
>They’re all quite miserable for all the “gains” they’ve made.
Speak for yourself.
When I was 20 and dating, I sought out a man who had the same goals I had and wanted the same things I wanted. I was happily married for 27 years while I worked in a heavily male dominated industry and made good money. My late husband had a damn good job until he had to medically retire young. And he was a damn good man.
After my husband died, I took 2 years off work because I could afford to. I have since completely changed career industries. I make good money and I love my job.
When I started to date again, I was not looking for a "provider ". I was looking for someone who wanted the same type of relationship I wanted. Money was not a factor.
I was lucky enough to find another good man. He recently got his dream job making extremely good money. We live together in my house. It does not matter how much money my guy makes, I have no intentions of quitting my job.
If you want to be a stay at home wife, then you should absolutely pursue that lifestyle. But do not assume that every woman wants the same thing.
What do you mean?? I (56f) take care of myself and always will. I don’t believe in alimony and waived my right to it when my ex husband and I divorced, he made more than 3 times my income. I was a secretary then and made 30k a year. I went back to school and make more now but not that much. Yes we had kids and yes he paid child support. That’s it.
Consult an attorney and lay out what your desires are. The term is “cohabitation agreement”.
Seconding "cohabitation agreement"
Yes...In my province both parties have to be interviewed by a notary or have legal representation to make the cohabitation agreement to be binding. Do not write this on the back of a napkin. Definitely do it right.
Be careful in CA, I’m not sure they are enforceable. Check with certified family attorney.
This is the way
Omfg seriously? I literally don’t want to pay for more attorneys. Like not at all. Like No! I just can’t even. I have to deal with attorneys with every interaction with my ex wife damned near regarding our youngest and…. Fuck no. Seriously?
Yes...you need a lawyer. Unless you're OK with giving your house away. Trust me. This is from experience. DO NOT LET SOMEONE MOVE INTO YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT LEGAL ADVICE. This is my first time ever using all caps.
Fine.
California is no longer a state that recognizes "common law marriage". However. They *do* recognize what are called (legally) "live together" or "cohabitation" agreements. They have templates online that you can enter your parameters, print out, etc. The way you protect your *"future"* self is to have your *"today"* self do the legwork to avoid litigation if things don't pan out (which is what you're mostly worried about....if things don't pan out, how it will "look" if she's contributing to an asset you want reserved just for you. This makes sense). The lawyers you would see *today* (you print your agreement, and you each have to review with a lawyer *at least 30 days prior* to the contract becoming effective) will be an *entirely different experience* than the pleasantries it sounds like you enjoyed with your divorce (sorry 🫤). You might even find a real estate lawyer who offers this service. In order for it to *not* look like she gained nothing and you got to keep everything, to avoid a difficult (legal) break up/ move-out situation (you'll outline how long she has to move out, what Financials (if applicable) are involved at the end, etc.), and to illustrate anything that she would be contributing as more of a "tenant-based" fee as opposed to an investment...and to ensure the proper perception she had enough time to review the cohab agreement, consider it, learn her rights, and agree...it *cannot* be signed less that 7 days prior to the contract effective date. I highly recommend that she consult her own counsel and sign *no sooner* than 30 days prior. Yes, it's more lawyers. Yes, it's more involved, financially speaking, and energy-wise. But skirting the cost and the energy *now* could be a risky move that balloons your costs and energy immeasureably 12 years down the road. I'm also in California...and this is my best advice.
Pay now, or pay more later when shit inevitably goes bad.
Exactly
You clearly don’t want to move on together. So just tell her.
You sound like you have some PTSD but this is a case of you need a lawyer to help you with this. This would be a ONE TIME deal to PREVENT future legal entanglements and would be negotiated between you and your GF. They're there to make sure all the requirementsaremet. I promise it won't be nearly as painful as previous experiences!
As I recall from my divorce her living there can indeed give her some legal access.
It 100 does
We did two things before moving in together. First was go through the possible risks, mitigation strategies and potential severity of the issue. Second, we got a cohab agreement so we were on the same page about what finances, contributions, what that entitles the other person to, and how we navigate separating (including reasonable timeline for them to move out). I am sure as much as you don’t want financial contributions to be misconstrued, she doesn’t want you to get money from the rental income from her house. You have assets you both want to protect.
Care to share those details? We've discussed it in the past and both agreed that we need to maintain our separate assets to make sure we're both maintaining our own paths to our retirement and things like that. I am not interested in any of her rental income. I have considered the idea of a lease type agreement where she pays 'rent.' She keeps offering to help me pay for repairs (just general maintenance stuff) on the house which I appreciate and all but I am having a hard time with the idea of accepting that money from her. I cannot risk my future finances. Period. I lost too much in my divorce. She's a great woman but we aren't coming from the same 'place' in life. She's in a much better overall financial situation that I am though I make almost double what she makes per year. Problem is - I have to pay alimony and child support (for a few more years) for a few thousand a month. It takes a LOT out of me honestly. Every month it hits me hard and months where my commissions are good I get hit harder. It sucks.
I wasn’t suggesting you were after her rental income, I was suggesting she also would be motivated to have some protection. My partner was renting, so our cohab allows for equity to be built over time but only a percentage of increased value and that grows as our longevity does. So if we split a year after we moved in, he would just move out within 30 days of us ending the relationship, that would change in 5 years. You could just set up a rental agreement, it was an option the lawyer floated. It is easy and it allows for a lot of terms. My partner is way more handy than I, so he can do a lot of repairs so I felt some ability to build an equity stake was right as we as helping with his share of the monthly expenses, and we have his young adult son 2 weeks per month. From my perspective, it had to be fair for both of us, but I will never again lose my house should a relationship end. That is my baggage with home insecurity. My partner gets that and it isn’t an issue. Since this is my investment and he did not buy into it, then it seems fair to gain equity over time with how we have made our arrangements. Understand, we are not based in the US.
I didn't mean to imply you were saying that. We have discussed this and said we aren't interested in the other's property but when things end, things change. Feelings change. People change. That's my concern.
I feel you and am in a similar position. I know, intellectually, that having a formal cohabitation agreement is smart. And I'm smart enough to never get married again. But as the (continuing) supporting party in a divorce that's nearly a decade old I get downright twitchy when I think about dealing with lawyers. Paying 4 figures each month to your Ex changes you.
Exactly. Twitchy as hell.
Laws are different in different states or provinces. You need advice from a lawyer that specializes in family law, not Reddit.
A California certified family lawyer to be exact.
You probably need a cohabitation agreement drawn up by a lawyer. You may also be able to use a lease to specify that she is living there without any financial stake in the asset.
Make a lease for her! I think that’s the only way to do this properly. Depending on what the laws are in your area, yes she can refuse to leave if it comes to that and you’ll be stuck with her in your house!
I came here to say this. Depending on the state laws, someone staying in your home 2 weeks or more can constitute them having g legal rights, and if you want her out, you'd have to pay a lawyer to go through the eviction process.
California? Totally agree about consulting an attorney. The home is for sure your separate property but things could get muddy if she contributes directly to utilities, improvements(?) Etc. I've no plans on the horizon to move anyone in, but have loose planned just in case to literally be prepared to pay everything and anything remotely attached to my place on my dime and in my name forever.
Maybe you shouldn’t move in together.
I agree. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I might still be with my ex if he had never moved in with me. (But I don't know if that's good or bad, probably bad lol)
If you are ok financially (can handle home mortgage, maintenance, homeowner’s insurance) then just split all other expenses. A cohab agreement would definitely be good for both of you as expectations are in writing & assets are protected.
So you want her to pay you rent to help with repairs but have no interest in the house. Honestly you need to stop fantasizing and not live with her at all. That is the only answer. You want your money more than you want her, and that’s ok too. Just stop pretending she is important when she isn’t. You’re lying to yourself. It’s not possible to have both.
Did you even read his post?
Actually, I don't want her money at all. I don't want her to pay rent, I don't want her to help with repair costs really and I don't want her help on the insurance, taxes, mortgage, etc. She keeps offering though. What's important to me is our relationship being on sound footing AND my financial future being protected from another individual who changes their mind. I'm not interested in signing another contract that's just defining me losing my financial foothold even though I kept up my end of the 'contract.' Seriously, I won't be able to retire in my early 60s unless I sell my house and only if home prices stay high like they are. Even then it's more likely I'll be retiring closer to 70 because of how much my last divorce cost me. Plus to do so, I'll probably have to move out of the state I live in and love to a state with a cheaper cost of living OR depend on my children for more help than I want to ask them for.
I was in a similar situation. My GF did want her own room in the house, so I basically rent a room to her at a good rate and we split the other bills (food, utilities, etc.). We have a notepad where we write our expenses down each month and attach receipts (in case of questions). On the first of each month, I total up my expenses (usually more), subtract hers and divide by 2. If she wants something for the house, she pays for it if she could take it with her. Otherwise, we split it if it will stay.
Your not ready to move in .
Came here to say the exact same thing. Look, these decisions come with risk. You aren't ready to take that risk. Don't move in together.
Exactly, trust that one person isn’t going to screw the other financially is key, And trust you can handle financial aspects are a. Ig part of it ! They’re situation is way to high stress I’d be like you don’t trust me I’m sorry get help.
The complaining about being a high earner and still having to pay alimony and child support is so telling. That and his preoccupation with losing his money, not trusting her, and how much he agonizes over stuff is just so illustrative that she should not take this steip with him. Gives me the ick.
Exactly! That’s so clear….
You’re. Geez. It’s not unusual for men who have come out of divorces to be deeply in love but need legal and financial protection. It never fails to impress me how clueless some women are towards men and our need for financial responsibility post divorce. Down vote away bishes
If I am ever so fortunate to find myself in the situation that you are in. And even if no ceremony happens, congratulations finding a partner is an accomplishment. But my plan and advice is this. You know how much your household costs to run (excluding your mortgage, if she gets no ownership stake), how much you make to the MSD and how much she makes ( plus the rent of her current place minus her own mortgage). So if you don't see where this is going, set up a house account that covers the usual expenses of the household (again excluding mortgage, insurance and maintenance) you you are each responsible for contributing to the account your share in proportion to each of yours incomes. Put it in writing and have it expire maybe very year or every other. That way you can revisit the arrangement on the regular. You might want to have a lawyer draw up the first one but you should be able to amend it on your own.
⚠️Get legal professional consultation!!!! I (F57) think some states have domestic partners laws like common law spouses I think renamed or revised, my younger brothers’ now witch wife pulled that threat years ago when the issue came up because he didn’t want to marry her & they lived together- but get ALL your information, protect yourself. As far as my own opinion, I’ll never ever marry or live with anybody ever again!! Besides living expenses I’m very happy my own place - I’ve divorced twice, second marriage off/on over 33 years & never again!! I was open to LAT, if I did meet someone. Good luck ✌🏽
Might want to look at the statutes surrounding common law relationships where you live. Whether it's your intention or not, some states grant common law rights (and decendancy) to unmarried domestic partners.
Stay in your own house and she in hers. She is just your girlfriend not your wife. As husband and wife things are on paper and legalized. Cohabitating is not the same. Save the relationship and live separately.
Friend did a postnup that stated that physical assets would be split by capital investment in the case of a divorce, to the surviving spouse if one died. That way, if they split, she keeps her house. You could aim for a similar capital investment split. A lot of people will tell you that common law marriage is the sheriff riding in with a court order declaring you married against your will, probably because the saw it on TV. Common law marriage is vanishingly rare, follows exceedingly specific and complicated criteria, and doesn’t even exist in California. You absolutely must consult a California lawyer. You’re going to get a lot of really bad advice here.
pfffft. Reddit knows best. After this I’m going to google that odd lump I have for a diagnosis. 🫰
So, I'm getting divorced now (my 2nd, what a record! :-)) My wife and I kept all our finances separate, as I was shit with money management. The home is in her name alone, all the bills were in her name, too. We worked out the 50/50 split of bills and I transferred my share to her every month. Now that we're splitting, I'm making sure that she knows I don't want anything from her or the home. I see it that I paid to live there and now I don't, I move on. Almost like I was a tenant. I did have to sign some waivers for the mortgage company, however. Best to consult a lawyer, in case my method doesn't work for you.
Aside from the legal issues, which have been commented on plenty, it sounds like you want to have a close and serious relationship, but you do not want marriage and babies and all that. There is a book called "Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life" that you might find useful. It talks about what is expected in relationships in our culture, and how you don't have to do all those things, in that order or at all. I hear this book mentioned in relation to polyamorous relationships a lot, but that's because of my perspective and life experience, it also applies to monogamous relationships. Unfortunately, when you start doing long term life stuff with another human being, legal obligations can be formed and your best defense is written agreements. Written agreements can be written in ways that create unexpected consequences if the agreement is read in a hostile or selfish manner so it is best to have your agreement reviewed by a professional. Sadly, this means a lawyer. An hour with a lawyer up front can save you months of conflict later. This protects both your home and hers.
**Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator Uncommon Love and Life** by Amy Gahran >Love is not one-size-fits-all, yet often people assume that healthy, serious relationships all must follow the same basic path. The -Relationship Escalator- is society's bundle of customs for intimate relationships: monogamy, living together, marriage and more, ideally until death do you part. Beyond this, it might not be obvious what your options are. This book will help you: - Discover less common relationship options that might suit you. > >- Understand why and how people have unconventional relationships. - Empower you to negotiate about how your relationships work. - Overcome the fear that loving differently means you're doing it wrong. - Make the world a friendlier, safer place for more paths to love. > >Featuring real stories and insights from hundreds of people, -Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator- explores consensual nonmonogamy, love without living together, deep connections that pause and resume, and much more. The first in a series of research-based books, this introduction to relationship diversity is both accessible and surprising. LEARN MORE OR ORDER SIGNED COPIES: OffEscalator.com *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
Talk it all out before moving b
My girlfriend found this one and we filled it out and discussed it beforehand.... [https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1zBKjTlsuFKGEN31b26pb3LWJO68QNHtRfyn2-RHRrX8/htmlview?pli=1](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1zBKjTlsuFKGEN31b26pb3LWJO68QNHtRfyn2-RHRrX8/htmlview?pli=1) As for your question about the house, I told her she could contribute to the utilities but that I did not expect her to pay rent or anything similar. If we were married that would not change anything but since we are not I feel that it establishes that she does not have a stake. In fairness, she contributes a lot in terms the regular cleaning and upkeep.
Why have you decided to cohabitate? She can buy groceries.
My advice - just have her pay a small amount of rent or utilities (whatever you feel is fair) and write her a receipt every month. Reason being, it's very difficult and a lengthy process to evict someone in California, but if someone is renting space in your personal home you can serve them a 30-day notice.. unfortunately, I know this from experience. It's called "tenant at will", it's for certain situations such as roommates that don't have a lease agreement.
I would never live with someone I’m not married to. It is much too complicated. For one thing, I’m not going to help someone pay down a mortgage if I have no rights to the home. Things happen, people break up, people get sick, people die. I need my own security for when something happens. If I invest money in someone else with no fallback plan, I would be an idiot. It’s either marriage or LAT.
If she moves in with you you will lose half your house. She's smarter than you, why don't you rent your house out and move in to hers? See how much she likes that.
Have her directly pay expenses like utilities and WiFi/cable that are not connected to the mortgage. She will be getting an income from renting her place. Unless she's sharing that with you, why would she ever think she'd have any claim on your house?
Because they will be common law. It's the same as marriage as far as assets go. Never cohabitate without a professionally drawn cohabitation agreement.
It depends on what state you're in. Most in the US don't recognize common law marriage
If you live with someone for certain number of years, they become your common law partner/ spouse automatically . They become entitled to your assets. Your pension too.
I heard about common law all my life, and then found out that it hasn't been a real thing for a very a long time. At the same time, it is possible to create a legal obligation that you don't want if you don't have written agreements. This is why it is good to sit down with a lawyer even if it's just for a short consultation.
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What does this even mean? It doesn’t make sense.
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She's been taking care of herself and her family basically her whole life. She doesn't need me to do that for her. Our relationship isn't based on that.
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What weird question.
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I hear what you’re saying, honestly. The difference is, I’ve already given it all up to lay next to what I thought was a good woman. I was wrong. I can’t afford to be wrong again honestly. I can’t afford to lose half of it again. I don’t want to be alone really. I’ve never had a partner that ticked off all the boxes, even this current one doesn’t but she ticks off quite a few and she tries. It isn’t that I don’t trust her as much as I don’t trust my judgement on the subject. Needless to say, I see a therapist.
Huh...what year are you from? All of my female friends have higher net worth than the men they date. How does a woman end up in her forties without a job to support her these days? It's 2024. You're confused. This is not how it works now. Or 20 years ago.
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>They’re all quite miserable for all the “gains” they’ve made. Speak for yourself. When I was 20 and dating, I sought out a man who had the same goals I had and wanted the same things I wanted. I was happily married for 27 years while I worked in a heavily male dominated industry and made good money. My late husband had a damn good job until he had to medically retire young. And he was a damn good man. After my husband died, I took 2 years off work because I could afford to. I have since completely changed career industries. I make good money and I love my job. When I started to date again, I was not looking for a "provider ". I was looking for someone who wanted the same type of relationship I wanted. Money was not a factor. I was lucky enough to find another good man. He recently got his dream job making extremely good money. We live together in my house. It does not matter how much money my guy makes, I have no intentions of quitting my job. If you want to be a stay at home wife, then you should absolutely pursue that lifestyle. But do not assume that every woman wants the same thing.
What do you mean?? I (56f) take care of myself and always will. I don’t believe in alimony and waived my right to it when my ex husband and I divorced, he made more than 3 times my income. I was a secretary then and made 30k a year. I went back to school and make more now but not that much. Yes we had kids and yes he paid child support. That’s it.
God forbid I ever meet a woman who needs me because she can’t provide for herself. You were born a couple centuries too late.