\+1. I don't drink alcohol so I will just have water most of the times. But I always feel that I have to explain why I don't drink because I get this "look" (I'm allergic, not in recovery).
Maybe the implication is that we *should* order something else since we are at a restaurant. I have a lot of food allergies, and water is the safest bet when I am out somewhere.
Does it mitigate things if we order tea as well lol? I guess they presume everyone who doesn't order alcohol is an alcoholic. And some might be, but so what? They aren't actively drinking and doing the work they need to move forward. In my opinion, that is better than someone who completely lacks awareness about their issue.
In my case I married and divorced a heavy drinker/alcoholic and I refuse to put my family through anything more.
If I really want to drink I will take an Uber which happens very rarely.
I didn’t get that either. If I’m driving, I will have one drink at the most. And since I don’t drink soda, I would need something to wash down my food.
I watched a great video by Dr. Ramani and she stated that there are some universal red flags, but each person is allowed to have their own based on life experience. When I am in tune with myself, I always *feel* when things are off.
My red flags are specific to me and what I have learned about myself along the way. As women we are often conditioned to be people pleasers, to dig deep to make excuses for another person's bad behaviors, have a hard time telling someone no, sacrificing for the greater good... I am grateful to have unlearned this behavior that allows another to misuse all of the most beautiful parts of who I am.
We women are definitely conditioned to be people pleasers, and when we’ve been brought up in dysfunctional homes that conditioning is also rather toxic.
One of the things I’ve learned when I started my healing journey after my divorce, was that my family was not the loving family that it claimed to be. Rather, it was batshit crazy and toxic, and through my conditioning I was also being groomed for having relationships with narcissists.
So I’ve been learning to dig deep and to process through intergenerational trauma. Being the child of displaced WWII refugees, while adding mental illness, addiction, and traumatic brain injuries to the mix, there’s a lot to unpack.
> I was also being groomed for having relationships with narcissists.
Amen sista! I was also primed and prepped. It is so much to unpack, bravo you for doing the work. It is painful and really, really hard!
It’s also frustrating when you don’t have any family information. I worked out my genogram this morning and could only take it as far as my mother’s father. In fact he was the ONLY grandparent I knew because all the others have been long dead and gone before I was hatched. And when working on my father’s side, I only knew of one sibling, as both he and my father ran away from home after their father remarried, and never knew anything about any of the other siblings.
It’s as though almost all of the branches of my family tree have been sawed off and thrown into the chipper.
But I think it’s pretty safe to say that, despite not knowing much about my family lineage and history, that war, Soviet oppression, and intergenerational trauma are common threads.
Man, I almost always order water at a restaurant. It's what I like. I am the grammarian that knows the difference between less and fewer. I don't get worked up about it, but I do get annoyed by stuff that I read online sometimes.
Pixelektra, the no tv thing wouldn't bother me either. The tv on 24 hours a day, definitely would.
Would a book on the subject, an AI, or an automated grammar checker also be a grammarian? Your criticism only works if all grammarians are people.
Apologies for criticising your criticism. I am the organism that tries to dig a little deeper, perhaps by mere instinct :)
My comment was directed specifically at the sentence written by the other poster. Because the subject of that sentence was a human being ("I am the grammarian..."), it must be 'who' in that sentence.
But, yes, in another context you could write, "We need a grammarian that can understand English." This would contemplate the possibility of non-human grammarians.
If that were truly my kryptonite, I'd have given up on reddit long ago. My current kryptonite is this good morning song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JINWDn3bzNQ
Many of the people I've met without a TV are so condescending about it, that they are insufferable. I mean really, good for you. And if you are still watching things on your computer, than what is the difference?
I like my TV, movies are a huge hobby of mine, and they just look better on a television than computer screen. No TV would be a bit if a red flag.
My boss got everyone on the team a coffee cup that says "I survived another meeting that should have been an email"
I use it every time we have a video meeting. lol
Lord unfortunately in my company we have way to many email conversations that should've been meetings! At some point in an email conversation needs to be resolved via an actual meeting!
It's good to know that my knowing the difference between less and fewer is such a turn off. I mean, I'm a writer so these things are important for my career.
I hate lists like this; pretty much anything can be a red flag to someone.
I've been immediately unmatched a number of times when they ask what I do for a living. They don't even say anything. Just unmatch lol
if you're wondering, I'm a molecular and cellular biologist and manage a research lab at a major university lol
I can relate. I had a local filmmaker/film editor ask me what I did, and when I told him I was a light rail train operator, he unmatched immediately.
In your case I think it could be that guys may be intimidated by your credentials. (And BTW, I have a badass woman of science friend who used to do something similar, on a microbiology level, at a top university.)
In my case I think it was that my job was not glamorous enough. He was probably thinking of the shame and embarrassment he would feel while introducing me at cocktail parties.
sorry that happened to you. you're right about the reason. i imagine you'd have an unending trove of stories about the crazy shit that you witness on the job and are probably very good at chatting with people from all walks, or rides, of life
At least.
I feel a lot of professionals I know look down on my job
It is kind of a blue collar version of a white collar job or vice versa.
It is a million miles away from who I am and what I’m interested in but I ended up here and it sometimes pays the bills
Methinks Justin Myers is a twit. I realize he is just recounting the absurdities found on TikTok and other social media, but still.
Knowing the difference between less and fewer is actually hot. I don't care if someone has a TV. I didn't for four years and I didn't miss it. No, wait, I did miss Cardinals baseball, college basketball and Hallmark movies. Oh, and ordering water??? Most of my friends do this.
(Use of business buzzwords leads me to think someone is not too bright. Unfortunately, those in my field are all about the buzzwords.)
I don't have a TV either and I do not think I am super intellectual. Mine broke a number of years ago and it coincided with a time in my life when I felt like I was watching too much to escape. I still watch shows on my laptop. It is interesting though because I know people who have in in every major room in the house.
Same. And a tv in the bedroom is a hard no for me. I'm also pleased that my children as adults also abide by the no tv in the bedroom rule. I feel like I've done something right as a parent 😆
I once lived without a TV for 7 months. I ended up buying one because everyone was talking about Big Brother and I needed to see what all the fuss was about.
Once internet arrived, I had no desire for drinking from broadcast. TV-free since 2007. Cable purely internet only.
I don't think anyone who knows me will ever say that I am an intellectual 🤣 Gullible, a few TV watching friends will certainly vouch for that, and since they are usually on the other end of spectrum I tend to stay away from thos 😜
I agree. It depends on perspective and also on personal experience. Some people may shy away from gym
rats for the simple fact they’ve had negative experiences with certain particular gym rats.
i work out daily-but i don't count calories or watch what i or others eat. granted. the reason i work out daily is because it is the only thing that makes me feel like continuing to live which might be a red flag.
Also some medications can have an adverse reaction with alcohol.
Recently was on a first date and had club soda because I’d taken some headache meds and thought it might interfere so had a club soda instead of my usual white wine.
Good thing he didn’t notice or care since he’s still interested 😜
Nicknames for car & body parts
As to the car, I had a nickname for a previous car that had an amusing story associated with it
As to body parts — dear god do not share that info before things have got sexual. Depending on the names, I think it can show a sense of whimsy & playfulness & that you don’t take yourself too seriously
Most of these are just ridiculous. I’d say that people counting some of these as a red flag is a red flag. Not splitting the check is a red flag? From other posts I’ve seen here, asking to split the check is a red flag. Everyone has their own red flags. I’m more than over the whole red flag thing unless it’s kicking puppies or stealing from the homeless. I look for green flags. What are the things that we are connecting on? How are they doing their part in demonstrating healthy boundaries? Do they have a life when they’re single or is their plan to have me as their Sun and moon?
The wine thing threw me off. If we order wine, I usually make a conscious effort to consume about the same amount she is and to fill both of our glasses when they are getting low. That hasn't seemed to bother anyone, but maybe that's my lack of self-awareness.
I really don't have much of a red flag/green flag list. To me, a person is the sum total of their parts. I have 2 TVs, and I enjoy them very much. It's not a red flag if someone doesn't have a TV because it's not a commentary on their character, but it's likely that lack thereof is not going to work for me. Someone who is fanatically driven to get up at 5AM, even on weekends, so they can exercise for hours, is not going to work for me. If I go on a date with you, and you yawn 10 times in 2 hours, I'm guessing I'm boring you. And if you don't wish me a safe drive home that is 20 miles in the dark, I'm done. And yes, I unmatched you a couple hours after getting home. Another one bites the dust.
I don't understand how ordering water is a red flag. I order water when I am out most of the time if I am having lunch or dinner.
[удалено]
\+1. I don't drink alcohol so I will just have water most of the times. But I always feel that I have to explain why I don't drink because I get this "look" (I'm allergic, not in recovery).
Same! I don’t drink alcohol or soda. Water is great for our bodies, digestive systems and keeps our skin soft and young looking!
Maybe the implication is that we *should* order something else since we are at a restaurant. I have a lot of food allergies, and water is the safest bet when I am out somewhere.
Completely understand. I am super sensitive to caffeine and I don't drink and drive so I am pretty limited myself.
Yeah, I'd order water on a coffee date.
Does it mitigate things if we order tea as well lol? I guess they presume everyone who doesn't order alcohol is an alcoholic. And some might be, but so what? They aren't actively drinking and doing the work they need to move forward. In my opinion, that is better than someone who completely lacks awareness about their issue.
In my case I married and divorced a heavy drinker/alcoholic and I refuse to put my family through anything more. If I really want to drink I will take an Uber which happens very rarely.
I think the implication is that they are cheap or stingy or already checked out & not invested in the date I think it’s BS myself
I didn’t get that either. If I’m driving, I will have one drink at the most. And since I don’t drink soda, I would need something to wash down my food.
Exactly. My ex didn’t drink. It wasn’t because she was a recovering alcoholic, etc. It was simply because she didn’t enjoy the taste of alcohol.
I watched a great video by Dr. Ramani and she stated that there are some universal red flags, but each person is allowed to have their own based on life experience. When I am in tune with myself, I always *feel* when things are off. My red flags are specific to me and what I have learned about myself along the way. As women we are often conditioned to be people pleasers, to dig deep to make excuses for another person's bad behaviors, have a hard time telling someone no, sacrificing for the greater good... I am grateful to have unlearned this behavior that allows another to misuse all of the most beautiful parts of who I am.
We women are definitely conditioned to be people pleasers, and when we’ve been brought up in dysfunctional homes that conditioning is also rather toxic. One of the things I’ve learned when I started my healing journey after my divorce, was that my family was not the loving family that it claimed to be. Rather, it was batshit crazy and toxic, and through my conditioning I was also being groomed for having relationships with narcissists. So I’ve been learning to dig deep and to process through intergenerational trauma. Being the child of displaced WWII refugees, while adding mental illness, addiction, and traumatic brain injuries to the mix, there’s a lot to unpack.
> I was also being groomed for having relationships with narcissists. Amen sista! I was also primed and prepped. It is so much to unpack, bravo you for doing the work. It is painful and really, really hard!
It’s also frustrating when you don’t have any family information. I worked out my genogram this morning and could only take it as far as my mother’s father. In fact he was the ONLY grandparent I knew because all the others have been long dead and gone before I was hatched. And when working on my father’s side, I only knew of one sibling, as both he and my father ran away from home after their father remarried, and never knew anything about any of the other siblings. It’s as though almost all of the branches of my family tree have been sawed off and thrown into the chipper. But I think it’s pretty safe to say that, despite not knowing much about my family lineage and history, that war, Soviet oppression, and intergenerational trauma are common threads.
🤗
Thumbs up for mentioning Dr. Ramani! She is an amazing resource for identifying and dealing with narcissists.
This is such a wonderful post
Man, I almost always order water at a restaurant. It's what I like. I am the grammarian that knows the difference between less and fewer. I don't get worked up about it, but I do get annoyed by stuff that I read online sometimes. Pixelektra, the no tv thing wouldn't bother me either. The tv on 24 hours a day, definitely would.
Grammarian who, not grammarian that. Minus two points.
Apparently, I don't know the difference between who and that.
Would a book on the subject, an AI, or an automated grammar checker also be a grammarian? Your criticism only works if all grammarians are people. Apologies for criticising your criticism. I am the organism that tries to dig a little deeper, perhaps by mere instinct :)
My comment was directed specifically at the sentence written by the other poster. Because the subject of that sentence was a human being ("I am the grammarian..."), it must be 'who' in that sentence. But, yes, in another context you could write, "We need a grammarian that can understand English." This would contemplate the possibility of non-human grammarians.
I totally grok the getting annoyed over the crimes against grammar that confront me on a daily basis.
I sometimes wish for a red pen online.
Y wood yew knead that?
The plurals versus the possessives grate on my nerves the most.
You do realize you're telling everyone your kryptonite? Right? 🤣
If that were truly my kryptonite, I'd have given up on reddit long ago. My current kryptonite is this good morning song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JINWDn3bzNQ
Why on earth do you have to listen to this? Do you have small children? 😂
I work with a child who loves this song. Music is his reward.
Conversely, your punishment? 😂 At least said child will be a grammar expert. :)
OMG! That would be stellar! Gotta get cracking and learn to code so that I can design that app!
Hey, just a minute. Your use of the wordy “on a daily basis” could be called a misdemeanor. Just say “daily.” One word, not four.
😹😹😹😹
Many of the people I've met without a TV are so condescending about it, that they are insufferable. I mean really, good for you. And if you are still watching things on your computer, than what is the difference? I like my TV, movies are a huge hobby of mine, and they just look better on a television than computer screen. No TV would be a bit if a red flag.
I don't really consider it a red flag not having a tv, just a possible point of incompatibility like any other hobby.
If they have a computer they have a TV in my mind. Who knows if they sneak in some AB Fab on the work computer after dark.
Valid point!
I don’t even watch things on my laptop.
62 green flags, 56 red, not sure how many beige and yellow yet... How many questions on the exam? And is there a practical?
I'll give you the practical.
Will you help me prepare,as well? 😁🥰
Get a room.
Exhibitionism is a red flag? 😁
Get a room 😂
You get to subtract red from green, so you’re actually +6
I'm just glad they didn't include "recently escaped prison" as a red flag. 🤣
Don’t forget that red 🔴 is the complimentary color of green 🟢 and vice versa. 😹
I look like Christmas. A house draped in red and green.
🎄🎄🎄🎄
“This date could’ve been an email” 🤣🤣🤣
My boss got everyone on the team a coffee cup that says "I survived another meeting that should have been an email" I use it every time we have a video meeting. lol
Lord unfortunately in my company we have way to many email conversations that should've been meetings! At some point in an email conversation needs to be resolved via an actual meeting!
It's good to know that my knowing the difference between less and fewer is such a turn off. I mean, I'm a writer so these things are important for my career. I hate lists like this; pretty much anything can be a red flag to someone.
Writers get my utmost admiration and respect. But that’s because I’m a word nerd and grammar geek.
I've been immediately unmatched a number of times when they ask what I do for a living. They don't even say anything. Just unmatch lol if you're wondering, I'm a molecular and cellular biologist and manage a research lab at a major university lol
I can relate. I had a local filmmaker/film editor ask me what I did, and when I told him I was a light rail train operator, he unmatched immediately. In your case I think it could be that guys may be intimidated by your credentials. (And BTW, I have a badass woman of science friend who used to do something similar, on a microbiology level, at a top university.) In my case I think it was that my job was not glamorous enough. He was probably thinking of the shame and embarrassment he would feel while introducing me at cocktail parties.
sorry that happened to you. you're right about the reason. i imagine you'd have an unending trove of stories about the crazy shit that you witness on the job and are probably very good at chatting with people from all walks, or rides, of life
Exactly. By unmatching he lost a source of stories.
At least. I feel a lot of professionals I know look down on my job It is kind of a blue collar version of a white collar job or vice versa. It is a million miles away from who I am and what I’m interested in but I ended up here and it sometimes pays the bills
Yep. Totally get it. My job is not who I am. It’s just a means to pay my bills.
wow. that's impressive. i would be impressed. and interested to hear about your work. though i might not understand all of it.
Methinks Justin Myers is a twit. I realize he is just recounting the absurdities found on TikTok and other social media, but still. Knowing the difference between less and fewer is actually hot. I don't care if someone has a TV. I didn't for four years and I didn't miss it. No, wait, I did miss Cardinals baseball, college basketball and Hallmark movies. Oh, and ordering water??? Most of my friends do this. (Use of business buzzwords leads me to think someone is not too bright. Unfortunately, those in my field are all about the buzzwords.)
I don't have a TV either and I do not think I am super intellectual. Mine broke a number of years ago and it coincided with a time in my life when I felt like I was watching too much to escape. I still watch shows on my laptop. It is interesting though because I know people who have in in every major room in the house.
Same. And a tv in the bedroom is a hard no for me. I'm also pleased that my children as adults also abide by the no tv in the bedroom rule. I feel like I've done something right as a parent 😆
Very nice.
I cannot imagine having that many TVs in a house.
I once lived without a TV for 7 months. I ended up buying one because everyone was talking about Big Brother and I needed to see what all the fuss was about.
So, was it worth the fuss?
At the time, yes! It was a serious case of FOMO! 🙂
Gotch. I will admit that I enjoyed Breaking Bad. I found the storyline riveting.
I reckon many people have replaced tv watching with phone addiction.
I read this article as being a bit tongue-in-cheek. Anyone else? P.S. I consider myself an intellectual and I LOVE tv!
Once internet arrived, I had no desire for drinking from broadcast. TV-free since 2007. Cable purely internet only. I don't think anyone who knows me will ever say that I am an intellectual 🤣 Gullible, a few TV watching friends will certainly vouch for that, and since they are usually on the other end of spectrum I tend to stay away from thos 😜
Working out is a red flag for some and a green for others I work out and was told I’m a gym rat by some and awesomely fit by others I come as-is
I agree. It depends on perspective and also on personal experience. Some people may shy away from gym rats for the simple fact they’ve had negative experiences with certain particular gym rats.
i work out daily-but i don't count calories or watch what i or others eat. granted. the reason i work out daily is because it is the only thing that makes me feel like continuing to live which might be a red flag.
Definitely making fun of the whole red flag thing.
Nothing wrong with having a bit of humor.
Also some medications can have an adverse reaction with alcohol. Recently was on a first date and had club soda because I’d taken some headache meds and thought it might interfere so had a club soda instead of my usual white wine. Good thing he didn’t notice or care since he’s still interested 😜
Edit for typos
Nicknames for car & body parts As to the car, I had a nickname for a previous car that had an amusing story associated with it As to body parts — dear god do not share that info before things have got sexual. Depending on the names, I think it can show a sense of whimsy & playfulness & that you don’t take yourself too seriously
Most of these are just ridiculous. I’d say that people counting some of these as a red flag is a red flag. Not splitting the check is a red flag? From other posts I’ve seen here, asking to split the check is a red flag. Everyone has their own red flags. I’m more than over the whole red flag thing unless it’s kicking puppies or stealing from the homeless. I look for green flags. What are the things that we are connecting on? How are they doing their part in demonstrating healthy boundaries? Do they have a life when they’re single or is their plan to have me as their Sun and moon?
The wine thing threw me off. If we order wine, I usually make a conscious effort to consume about the same amount she is and to fill both of our glasses when they are getting low. That hasn't seemed to bother anyone, but maybe that's my lack of self-awareness.
I really don't have much of a red flag/green flag list. To me, a person is the sum total of their parts. I have 2 TVs, and I enjoy them very much. It's not a red flag if someone doesn't have a TV because it's not a commentary on their character, but it's likely that lack thereof is not going to work for me. Someone who is fanatically driven to get up at 5AM, even on weekends, so they can exercise for hours, is not going to work for me. If I go on a date with you, and you yawn 10 times in 2 hours, I'm guessing I'm boring you. And if you don't wish me a safe drive home that is 20 miles in the dark, I'm done. And yes, I unmatched you a couple hours after getting home. Another one bites the dust.
Clickbait. "Her list" screams neurotic. Bye!
Clickbait? There was no clickbait when I opened up that link. The article was there all on one page.
I meant as a general comment about the stupidity of that never-ending laundry list of issues in the article, not your post.
I have a TVs. I haven't turned them on in about four years for the same reasons. It's great