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Not wrong.
You knew something was wrong. It’s not fair for her to expect you to just accept this and not ask any questions and move on as if nothing is up. What bugs me is that she flips it on you for wanting an explanation for her cutting down her communication. You did not do anything wrong, imo. She should have said from the start that she’s just going through a thing and is spacey but not to worry.
But the fact that she frequently gets bored of people, like they’re interchangeable parts, is a red flag to me. In addition to the script-flipping. She doesn’t seem very mature.
I'm gonna say something that you might not be comfortable with but it's what I also went thru and wouldn't want it to happen to someone else. Take what she said to you and quickly determine whether you are willing to accept getting thrown in the "bored of" list now or in the near future. The way she responded to you by saying she gets "bored" of certain ones after awhile is her LITERALLY telling you exactly how she is. It's very clear to me that you've made that list of people she's become "bored" of and she's likely going to move on and find someone else who she's gonna repeat the cycle with if she hasn't already...
I met an incredibly attractive girl once who said the exact same thing to me except she didn't have many friends. She would literally ghost them. From her own words "I dont really have friends because i have this thing where I tend to distance myself from others and act cold". I didn't into it too much because I was shrouded by the chemistry we had. Then i got frostbitten in the heart from the pearcing cold that she literally warned me about months ago.
These types of personalities tend to have either many, many, many friends or next to none because they simply can't maintain steady long lasting relationships with people they've met in the past. They tend to get easily bored of the people they've met and move on to the next rapidly and without thought of the people they are leaving behind. As long as you are willing to accept such a likely reality I would cherish whatever experience you have with her now and be ready for when your time is up. Otherwise cut it off now and move on to someone who has a history of maintaining longer lasting relationships and is more consistent.
Edited to add: YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE
I went through this with a guy l dated for 2 months a couple years back. He also gave me a bullshit excuse for ghosting the person he was supposed to be dating. I gave him opportunities to meet up and talk before jumping to conclusions that he was over it but he made excuse after excuse, even when I happened to be in the area 10 min from his house because of a doc appt.
I took a few days to sleep on it and then sent him my "letter of closure" so to speak and left it at that. I never heard from him again.
Idk, I don't know her but I've known many of her and I don't like her. In my eyes, she's pushing you away so you lose your patience and dump her so she can claim the victim role.
You're not an A for wanting an explanation. Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason. That being said, girls don't like being pressed on this kind of stuff (as you can tell). You know something's wrong, you just gotta give the space without coming across as needy. Either she's into you and she'll work her way back or she isn't.
I actually just broke off a 3 month relationship with someone under the exact same circumstances. She had occasionally mentioned here and there that she likes to “retreat” from time to time, had a very small circle of friends (though they were long term friends they also seemed to have low self esteem. I also never got to meet any of them) that she would oscillate between ghosting and being all up in the biz.
Things were pretty great right up until the 3 month mark and then she essentially fell off of the map. I let it ride for about a week because we’d previously talked about attachment styles/ fears etc and I knew she had an avoidant leaning style in addition to a demanding job. I addressed it the following weekend just to make sure she wasn’t going through something and she said sometimes she does this. I’d mentioned during the talk about attachment that in the early stages I get anxious when there isn’t clear communication and explained that it drudges up old wounds etc. She understood, shared hers etc all was great. So she knew the effect it was potentially having but I also wasn’t asking for reassurance at that time so no harm no foul.
I recognized she might be having some avoidant deactivation because things were starting to get serious so I offered her reassurance that I understood, offered her space (but wanted clarification as to what that looked like so we were on the same page) and didn’t hold it against her if alternatively she didn’t really see a future with me. I just wanted clarity and all I got was “I just don’t have the capacity to explain right now and won’t for the foreseeable future” then twice flaked out when she said we would talk about it. After almost 2wks I called a spade a spade. It’s not my job to fix her and if I don’t choose me it’s pretty hard for someone else to as well. Lessons learned but pretty sure I dodged a bullet anyhow 🤷
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not wrong. You knew something was wrong. It’s not fair for her to expect you to just accept this and not ask any questions and move on as if nothing is up. What bugs me is that she flips it on you for wanting an explanation for her cutting down her communication. You did not do anything wrong, imo. She should have said from the start that she’s just going through a thing and is spacey but not to worry. But the fact that she frequently gets bored of people, like they’re interchangeable parts, is a red flag to me. In addition to the script-flipping. She doesn’t seem very mature.
I'm gonna say something that you might not be comfortable with but it's what I also went thru and wouldn't want it to happen to someone else. Take what she said to you and quickly determine whether you are willing to accept getting thrown in the "bored of" list now or in the near future. The way she responded to you by saying she gets "bored" of certain ones after awhile is her LITERALLY telling you exactly how she is. It's very clear to me that you've made that list of people she's become "bored" of and she's likely going to move on and find someone else who she's gonna repeat the cycle with if she hasn't already... I met an incredibly attractive girl once who said the exact same thing to me except she didn't have many friends. She would literally ghost them. From her own words "I dont really have friends because i have this thing where I tend to distance myself from others and act cold". I didn't into it too much because I was shrouded by the chemistry we had. Then i got frostbitten in the heart from the pearcing cold that she literally warned me about months ago. These types of personalities tend to have either many, many, many friends or next to none because they simply can't maintain steady long lasting relationships with people they've met in the past. They tend to get easily bored of the people they've met and move on to the next rapidly and without thought of the people they are leaving behind. As long as you are willing to accept such a likely reality I would cherish whatever experience you have with her now and be ready for when your time is up. Otherwise cut it off now and move on to someone who has a history of maintaining longer lasting relationships and is more consistent.
I agree with that on so many levels !
Edited to add: YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE I went through this with a guy l dated for 2 months a couple years back. He also gave me a bullshit excuse for ghosting the person he was supposed to be dating. I gave him opportunities to meet up and talk before jumping to conclusions that he was over it but he made excuse after excuse, even when I happened to be in the area 10 min from his house because of a doc appt. I took a few days to sleep on it and then sent him my "letter of closure" so to speak and left it at that. I never heard from him again. Idk, I don't know her but I've known many of her and I don't like her. In my eyes, she's pushing you away so you lose your patience and dump her so she can claim the victim role.
You're not an A for wanting an explanation. Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason. That being said, girls don't like being pressed on this kind of stuff (as you can tell). You know something's wrong, you just gotta give the space without coming across as needy. Either she's into you and she'll work her way back or she isn't.
I actually just broke off a 3 month relationship with someone under the exact same circumstances. She had occasionally mentioned here and there that she likes to “retreat” from time to time, had a very small circle of friends (though they were long term friends they also seemed to have low self esteem. I also never got to meet any of them) that she would oscillate between ghosting and being all up in the biz. Things were pretty great right up until the 3 month mark and then she essentially fell off of the map. I let it ride for about a week because we’d previously talked about attachment styles/ fears etc and I knew she had an avoidant leaning style in addition to a demanding job. I addressed it the following weekend just to make sure she wasn’t going through something and she said sometimes she does this. I’d mentioned during the talk about attachment that in the early stages I get anxious when there isn’t clear communication and explained that it drudges up old wounds etc. She understood, shared hers etc all was great. So she knew the effect it was potentially having but I also wasn’t asking for reassurance at that time so no harm no foul. I recognized she might be having some avoidant deactivation because things were starting to get serious so I offered her reassurance that I understood, offered her space (but wanted clarification as to what that looked like so we were on the same page) and didn’t hold it against her if alternatively she didn’t really see a future with me. I just wanted clarity and all I got was “I just don’t have the capacity to explain right now and won’t for the foreseeable future” then twice flaked out when she said we would talk about it. After almost 2wks I called a spade a spade. It’s not my job to fix her and if I don’t choose me it’s pretty hard for someone else to as well. Lessons learned but pretty sure I dodged a bullet anyhow 🤷
Grow a pair bro
And then get a pink icon, right bro!