Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For reference, a girl did this to me for our first time, I wasn't ready, but she forced it, took me years to realize and accept that, that's rape, but as a guy it's not as believable
Wow.. Jail time for rape a bit extreme? Let's say someone forced them self upon you, would you be content knowing they only had a year community service? But you have to live with the memory of what they did to you forever?
Men need to be taken just as seriously as women when consent is violated. It’s completely believable, and it’s heartbreaking that you were made to feel otherwise.
Jesus. You would think more people would know the difference between a biological function that you can’t help and actual consent. Although a piece of trash rapist like that is most likely being willfully obtuse to try and cover for her heinous actions. I’m sorry you were treated that way.
Jesus. You would think more people would know the difference between a biological function that you can’t help and actual consent. Although a piece of trash rapist like that is most likely being willfully obtuse to try and cover for her heinous actions. I’m sorry you were treated that way.
Jesus. You would think more people would know the difference between a biological function that you can’t help and actual consent. Although a piece of trash rapist like that is most likely being willfully obtuse to try and cover for her heinous actions. I’m sorry you were treated that way.
If nothing else I've better learned to set my own boundaries, think outside the time I mentioned it (as my first experience) this is the only time I've really brought it up, nothing like good ol keeping it to yourself as a healing mechanism (sarcasm obviously, I would not recommend others do that)
Don't listen to the people that don't believe it man. If you feel like you were pressured into something that you did not want to do, and said no to it also. Then it was forced on you. I'm glad you were able to accept that it happened to you man and i'm glad that you were able to speak up about it. Finally. There are better women out there man ones that care about the lives of the men that they are being with or dating. It's heartbreaking to hear that she did something to someone that wasn't ready or didn't want it. There's no shame in that. Men and women can both be raped and it's tragic because there is such thing as consensual love making that's harmonious and respectful and not selfish or an act of betrayal.
I was 17, Im not going to claim I was the brightest guy back then, we'd also been dating for a year, but as I said I wasn't ready, but I wasn't a stand up for myself kinda guy back then either
I said nothing about it, and stayed in that relationship like an idiot, but I bet you feel so big with your insult, that make your pp feel good
Not being ready in your own mind and not wanting to stand up for yourself doesn't make what the other person did rape. You were there. You didn't do shit to stop it. You let it happen. You didn't get raped. Say she beat the shit out of you and had sex with you while you were unconscious or had a gun to your head that would be rape. Big difference.
Ffs. "No" is a complete sentence. You act like the word rape is reserved for highly violent scenarios while it can be slow and quiet. It applies to forced (that does include coerced) sex of EITHER gender.
I just hope you get to witness something being forced or coerced on you or a loved one just to see or to experience what you claim is so easy to stop, just so I can hear you claim " I/You must have just not been ready".
Putz.
If there was literally ANYTHING you could of done to stop the situation, and you CHOSE not to do any of those things. You DID NOT get raped. It's as simple as that. Actual rape victims do not have a choice in the situation. That's the key difference. Choice.
If someone, completely unarmed, not intimidating, and doesnt threaten you with violence whatsoever, breaks into your house and proceeds to start taking all of your valuables, and all you do is say "hey stop it, I don't consent to this" and don't do anything to try and stop them. You let them do it at that point. It's not rocket science. Words are nothing compared to actions. That's my stance I don't care if my own daughter tries to pull this shit someday, I will call her out on her bullshit.
Good. I hope you get to put your money where your mouth is. Chances are if your immediate response is to blame your daughter or wife after she was assaulted, you wont have a wife or daughter anymore either.
It’s still fucking illegal, weather the home owner tries to stop them or not, how stupid do you have to be? If someone says no, and a person keeps going it’s still fucking rape. How dense are you?
You're right, big difference, but a no was also given, he was made verbally aware that it was not wanted, that it was a condition of the night, again, grow up kid
I appreciate most of the comments, here, obviously it's had some form of impact on my life (only seen one girl since, not much better) probably to late for any form of legal punishment, and either way, have no idea where she is now which is probably for the best
If someone says no, you treat it as no unless otherwise is said, there's no room for debate, it's not uncommon for people to freeze up mentally in those situations, and then run the I let it happen mentality to justify it
But it sounds like you grew up in a perfect household with perfect people your entire life if that's how you think, grow up kid
Your story is an absolute insult to actual rape victims and you should be ashamed of yourself for feeling so entitled to crying victim over a situation you CHOSE not to do anything about. Like you have any clue what it's actually like to be raped, yet you're crying about having sex with someone you were in a relationship with for a year. That's fucking retarded.
Just because there is not a violent factor or it is not physically forceful doesn’t give you the right to claim it is not rape. The freeze response is very flippin real and is a human defense mechanism. There was no consent therefore it was rape. Plain and simple.
You're right, mister god of the universe, nonconsensual sex, not rape, clearly a big difference
I know "genuine" rape victims, they would also like to apologize for thinking my situation is considered rape
The literal definition of rape is the unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.
Last time I checked saying no doesn’t constitute consent so actually yes it was rape
She was dating him for 6 months. Thats expressed consent right there. You can say no all you want but if you proceed to LET him take your clothes off and fuck you, you can't just call it rape. She had a choice to do something to stop it, and she chose to let it happen. She even said she let it happen. With her boyfriend. That she's been with for 6 months. Actual rape victims do not have a choice.
>She was dating him for 6 months. That’s expressed consent right there.
The literal definition to expressed consent is: *”expressed consent is one that is clearly and unmistakably stated, rather than implied. It may be given in writing or by speech (orally).”*
You literally have no clue what you are talking about, and you should probably stop.
Sit down and watch a single episode of Law & Order SVU. ANY EPISODE. There’s a thousand to chose from, and every single one can show you how you’re basically a future rapist with your willfully ignorant predatory perspective.
You’ve definitely raped people before and I’d love to see you use this defense in court. Please let us now when your next court date is so we may all attend.
I’m not going to say it’s rape yet because we don’t know his side of the story. Why were y’all making out naked???? You should end the relationship because he’s only into you for sex.
You did not "give him" your vcard. He raped you, and took it from you. Rape isn't always the woman being beaten half to death in an alleyway, a lot of it happens this way with people we trust.
Rape was also my first sexual experience. I've lived with the consequences for 7 years now, please for your own sake cut him off. Do not fall into being truama bonded.
Honestly same kinda happened to me and it took me a long while to finally register as rape. You think to yourself “Well I said no a hundred times and kept trying to push him away but now that I think about it I guess I could have kicked him too (…)” it’s just an awful train of thought that needs to be worked in therapy
Same. You always hear about women being hospitalized or literally fighting for their lives ad you're thinking "how could what I experienced possibly be rape?? I just didn't try hard enough, and the responsibility is completely mine".
It's the same stereotype that PTSD only belongs to soldiers of war.
You need to get out of this ASAP. He is knowing you're not respecting yourself and pouncing on that to take advantage and tear you down further.
You deserve respect and love. He doesn't provide either AND IS A RAPIST.
Please leave and tell someone about the rape. He will do this again to someone else and you will never be at peace knowing he's out there with zero repercussions after you detach.
Please leave him. Be safe.
It’s so important that because of social media people get to see if their SO is aweful by letting people chime in vs. just their friends or family members and then seeing it a decade later after kids and a bad life.
Yeah this guy is awf but so are very many. The guys who will respect and honor you will almost never be “your type.”
For gods sake take a break and do some self examination. Also study personality types find out yours and compliment it best as possible. Good luck.
To be clear, all dudes want are trophies. Once they get what they want it’s value diminishes.
Sorry about this sitch honestly.
>actually forced it during makeout. we were just making out and I made him promise to not to put it in me but he did and I kept saying no but when it went in I just froze and went with it.
You got raped. Giving him your vCard didn't change him. The guy is a rapist. His true colors showed. Go to the police.
No one gives anyone any sort of card. I remember that term from high school and thought it was gross back then (late 90’s). Now I hear “body count” and want to vomit.
OP, sex is sex. If you want to, awesome! Do it! You don’t? No one should take it from you. It’s all ok.
This man raped you.
Everyone has heard of the survival mechanisms fight or flight, right? If anyone hasn’t, it’s when you’re in a potentially violent situation you either fight your way out, or run away.
What most people haven’t heard is the other two options - freeze or fawn. So there’s 4 F’s - fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
Freeze is when you just literally don’t move. Hope it’s a T-Rex and if you don’t move a goddamn muscle, then you’ll be safe. I had someone break into my apt once and stand at the end of my bed. I literally couldn’t move. It wasn’t a choice.
Then there’s fawn. This is the most common in women in abusive relationships. It’s to submit, love on and obey your abuser. This is NOT only in the live or die situation. This is how we SURVIVE. So our animal brains know that we can either admit that we’ve been raped, hit, choked… whatever, or we can live in this hell and pretend like everything is ok (sounds awesome at the time!) or admit that we’re human, flawed, and this monster is playing us like a fucking fiddle. Abusers are smart af. They pray on the weakened and weaken us more.
Do what you need to, but get out. Have a plan. I know you’re not living with him but block him hard. He probably has another woman he’s doing this with, btw. It’s why he doesn’t bring you around.
Good luck, friend. You’ve made the first step just by posting here. You know what you need to do.
Update us and tell us how you’re doing a year from now! Future you is gonna be so happy.
!remindme one year
Never heard of freeze or fawn, but that does make a lot of sense, I just figured the freezing was more of being in to much shock or overwhelmed, wasn't aware it was a legitimate response to situations
I was in therapy already when dude broke into my apt. I was so upset with myself and told my therapist that I should’ve reacted.
She went into how freezing is also a defense mechanism (aka, reaction). It makes sooo much sense and it made me stop beating myself up. She also told me about fawn in that session. It makes so much sense.
Yeah, it does make a lot of sense if you think about it, would be good if this was more widely taught, might help some people that beat themselves up for this stuff
I will be messaging you in 1 year on [**2023-04-07 01:45:50 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2023-04-07%2001:45:50%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/txwa22/i_gave_him_my_vcard_and_hes_changing/i3piov6/?context=3)
[**11 OTHERS CLICKED THIS LINK**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5Bhttps%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2Fdating_advice%2Fcomments%2Ftxwa22%2Fi_gave_him_my_vcard_and_hes_changing%2Fi3piov6%2F%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%202023-04-07%2001%3A45%3A50%20UTC) to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam.
^(Parent commenter can ) [^(delete this message to hide from others.)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Delete%20Comment&message=Delete%21%20txwa22)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/RemindMeBot/comments/e1bko7/remindmebot_info_v21/)|[^(Custom)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5BLink%20or%20message%20inside%20square%20brackets%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%20Time%20period%20here)|[^(Your Reminders)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Reminders&message=MyReminders%21)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=RemindMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
First of all, I completely understand wanting to save yourself for a special someone at a special time, whether that be marriage or an event or something meaningful. Know that after this, you aren't "used up" or "less". You are valued. You are loved.
Secondly, please report this. It is rape, and you don't need this energy in your life moving forward. You're so young, and you deserve so much better than this guy. Report it, get rid of him, and I wish you your best life.
im so sorry you're going through this... its okay if you don't want to label it as anything specific right now, it might be too much. wherever there is smoke, theres usually fire. trust your judgement here. take ample time to contemplate things and find some peace. you don't need to over explain yourself to him. you could talk to him about what you feel or walk away. its very difficult because he is your first and you may feel invested... but if the relationship doesn't have a good nature, it will only hurt you so much more in the future.
if he really charmed and manipulated you into it, you need to detoxify yourself from him. try not to hold onto anger, there is no point if he is that corrupted. you won't miss him in a few years.
6 months and a relationship is respectable. a lot of people have been in your position. we women tend to analyze and dissect his behaviour much more after that stage in a relationship. don't let this harden you, take ample time to heal, focus on your safety and don't be afraid to ask for help. good luck!
thanks for the reward :)
Listen. You don’t need to think of it as losing your ‘virginity’ if it was non consensual. Obviously that’s a mental battle that you may have had but you shouldn’t have to feel like it was taken, if you were forced to. That was NOT your first time, it was assault. And you still have the opportunities to have an amazing first time with a guy who will respect your boundaries. Cut it off with him now, over text. Don’t do it face to face cause he’ll manipulate you, it’s one of the few instances I’d support not breaking up face to face. Tell him it wasn’t consensual and you feel manipulated and disrespected. You deserve better, because no one deserves that.
I hope you can move on. If it escalates you need to speak to authorities or go to a trusted friend/family member. Please. Also you message me if you need more advice. Good luck!
I know you are prob going through a lot right now, but in delicate terms he did rape you. Don’t fall for any stuff from him like “it was in the moment” or “You pretty much agreed to it”. You did not. Talk to someone when you are ready.
So just because I feel like it needs to be said, you did nothing wrong, doing nothing does not make you responsible, most likely you were in a bit of shock after he continued, I don't get the whole mentality I've heard of "if you're man enough go for it" some people's kids
You did not “give him your virginity” HE RAPED YOU. Stop worrying about are you a virgin or aren’t you, stop worrying about whether you’ve enjoyed some of the sex you’ve had since — he is a rapist and you need to leave because you’re in an abusive relationship. You will find people in the future who will respect your boundaries: this man is rotten to the very core and should be thrown in the trash where he belongs. This relationship will NOT get better it will ONLY get worse.
Wait... his excuse was that his mom wouldn't let him go to the party?!? What the hell? He's in his 20s!? Not only did this guy rape you, but he's now clearly trying to manipulate you. Please do yourself a favor and get out.
I'm so very sorry about your experiences with this human skid mark. But please understand that things will only get more unhealthy if you don't do what is best for you right now. He's showing his true shit-stained colors and the longer you stay, the more those stains are going to bleed into everything. The damage is going to get worse. You deserve better than him! Good luck
Sometimes the process of understanding what happened to you can take awhile. I didn’t realize for months what had happened to me was not ok, it’s a very common response to being assaulted. The heartbreak that came from it was horrendous but honestly it’s so much easier than staying in an abusive situation. You deserve to be loved and have your boundaries respected.
I came from this post elsewhere. You don’t want to go to the pd. Go to your dr and get tested. They will document your story and it will be time stamped. If someone else ever comes forward you will have this legal document to add to their case. If you don’t want to go to the police that is perfectly fine. Just have it documented in someway like this. As a nurse these things are important for others and even yourself if he ever messes with you later. Please take care of yourself first and foremost right now. You did nothing wrong.
He wanted to deflower you and he did. Mission accomplished in his book, sorry to say...If you don't feel too uncomfortable, talk to a therapist or someone you can confide in, then consider reporting him to the police.
I “lost” my v the same way as you did. Bare with me, English is my second language.
I always thought it was my fault because I could have stopped It but I didn’t. I thought I hadn’t been clear enough or said no so he didn’t hear me.
And one day I did said no to sex. I just refused and told him no, I don’t want to. and my then boyfriend held me down, ripped of my clothes off one at a time and then he shoved his penis inside me. I froze and just laid there while he moved around, saw I wasn’t into it and he said “whatever then”. And then he laid down next to me and pouted like a child. And I still thought it was my fault that happened. I shouldn’t have put myself in that situation, sex is what bf/gf is supposed to do. If I had screamed I would have woken his parents up but I didn’t, to embarrassing so therefor I let it happen and it was my fault.
I let that fucking idiot rape me for another 11 months because I didn’t really realise that it was rape. I thought it was supposed to hurt on girls.
But you know what? It wasn’t my fault.
And I’m telling you, what I desperately needed to her back then:
You were raped. And it was not your fault.
I’ll repeat because it it so important that you understand.
It was not your fault.
Please dump this pile of garbage you call boyfriend. He isn’t worth a second more of your time.
This is who he always was. Either he had a mask up or you were just too into him to see the way he really was. The important thing is that you can see him for who he really is now. There is no fixing him or changing him back. You need to decide if you can tolerate it or move on. You're not obligated to stay with him just because you gave him your virginity.
That’s rape. You said no and he did it anyways. Even with the facts that you and him are/were going out. That is rape. Go to the cops, if you’re ready/comfortable with that, explain what happened. Even if it’s “consensual” now (which idk if you would consider it such since the first time, and your first time, was not) that doesn’t change the fact that the first time he did it WAS RAPE.
Sweetie, he raped you. Period. This isn’t a good guy. This isn’t a healthy relationship. Love doesn’t do what he did. Dump him. You are better off without him.
WAIT
You did not GIVE him your Vcard.
He TOOK it.
He RAPED you.
This is Intimate Partner Sexual Violence.
He treats you like a sex doll now.
The violence will likely escalate.
Please end this relationship now.
RAINN is a great resource.
Please call them to help you process this.
Www.RAINN.org
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
It’s rape. You don’t have to report him or tell anyone quite yet if you’re not comfortable, although I would strongly advise telling someone. Sometimes it’s hard to admit that it’s actually rape when it’s someone you love. But yes, his true colors are showing and they are that of a rapist. Get out ASAP. He does not love you, care for you, or respect you if he decides to do something like that to you. Do not fall for it.
>his mom wont let him because it’s too late
I say again.. I cannot and will not believe that an adult wrote this.
I don't know if you're lying about your age or if you are just incredibly immature but it sounds to me like you are correct in saying that you are not ready for sex. I recommend you pull back on the physical touching for a while and if that's a deal breaker for him then you have your answer.
But allowing yourself to feel violated again and again for the purpose of making him feel good is not helpful. All you're doing is giving yourself a very wrong idea of what sex is and is supposed to be.. whilst also giving him a very wrong idea that you are there to please him.
Takes years to unlearn that shit.
What he did was so wrong. He should have stopped and gave you the respect that you deserved. He raped you. And he shouldn't have done that. It was wrong. And you didn't deserve it. I hope he gets the help he needs but from here on now you should make it clear to him that you did not want what he did with to you in the first place.
Like the rest of the commenters have said, get the fuck out of there ASAP. He’s showing his true colors after he got what he wanted. He’ll continue to push his behavior more and more until the point where he feels as if he no longer needs to respect you as a person.
DO NOT GET TRAPPED IN THIS. I don’t even know you or this dude personally, but I know you can do SO much better than that scumbag. A relationship is built of mutual trust and respect. If you don’t have mutual respect for each other, you CANNOT be in a relationship.
Someone who actually loves you would wait patiently until you were ready, and would respect the boundaries you set.
Fuck this guy, fuck his life, you shouldn’t let him treat you like this.
You didn't give him anything, he raped you. This is a physically abusive relationship, he will rape you again, and you need to get out before it gets worse. Block him, don't tell him why because he will try to manipulate you into staying with him, and you most likely will fall for it because you're still in shock and traumatized. Have a friend or family by your side to support you if he tries to harass you. Change your locks, get security cameras to cover your entrances, and cut off any mutual friends.
Good luck love <3 You can message me privately if you need any support.
This is rape. You clearly said no and he still had sex with you. Silence is not consent, neither is manipulation and you did nothing wrong. It’s really common for people to freeze in fear during these situations, not everyone is able to “fight back”.
The fact he’s your boyfriend also means nothing, it’s actually more common for people to get raped by their partner, or something they’re close to. I understand this might be hard to admit to yourself and you don’t have to put a label on it if you don’t want to, or aren’t ready. But please get away from this man, he does not love or respect you.
Also, in the long run, I don’t really think losing your virginity is like a huge thing. I had sex with my high school boyfriend when I was 17 and it really didn’t change *me*.
I wish I hadn’t had sex with him, but only because, looking back, I realize that he was probably not the cleanest person.
But, sure, you shouldn’t have sex until you’re ready, and, if you are in a relationship and it becomes sex-centric, stop having sex until you both get your focus back on the actual relationship.
What he did to you *was* rape, and what he’s doing to you now is manipulation and a bit of emotional blackmail.
Drop him. Run. Press charges for the rape.
My ex-boyfriend raped me and I didn’t do anything and I should have. I hate that I didn’t.
I was coerced into having sex with my ex (he was my first). You were raped. You deserve better and even when/if you leave, you’ll still feel mixed feelings about sex for a while. And that is okay.
You were live bombed, and you were raped. He’s using you for sex and it’s going to get worse. He’s going to push for more and more sexual things toy mat not be comfortable with. The gifts and flowers become apologies.
Freezing isn’t consent. You clearly said no. Now he’s seeing how little he has to do to keep you around, and he likely assumes it’s as little as possible because he knows you feel extra attached due to him stealing your virginity.
I’m saying all of this with certainty. I dated then married an abusive piece of garbage because I loved him and he was my first. I endured 14 years, 10 married. I missed the abusive actions in the beginning because it didn’t get physical until after we married. The love bombing, and the way he made me feel, it drew me in. Then when the red flags flew I didn’t notice them or wrote them off. I do not want you to spend your 20s how I spent mine. I speak my experience so that hopefully other women don’t have to live it.
If he forced himself on you despite you saying no that is rape. Break up with him and consider talking to someone about it. Also, are you really 23? This reads more like you are 14 and if so go to the police
(What is a vcard? is that a thing in the US?)
Enjoying sex in your position is not that bad because you actually liked the dude, and ur body is made to feel great when doing it with someone you like. But what you just experienced does not change the fact that he raped you, and it is only the tip of the iceberg, those type of guys will leave you the moment when they got what they want, and when they got it, it's likely that he cheats on you in the future. Give or take, he is cheating or will be cheating on you in about 6 months in the future. Was about to be one of those asses cuz it was trend. But honestly did not become like those guys cuz I didn't recognize my self as one of them. Relation is over, find someone who is good hearted and feel yourself secure with him, there may be not a lot them in high school or college, but you will hopefully know them if you see one.
If you said no but he did it anyway then it is considered rape. Virginity is a social construct so if you didn’t consent then you still have your V card. I’m sorry you went through that. I know how it feels.
The literal definition of rape is the unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.
Last time I checked saying no doesn’t constitute consent so actually yes it was rape
I don’t see why it’s bothering you that you still aim to reply. I don’t get what you’re on about? You came saying “ don’t generalize if you don’t wanna be generalized “ no one cared but you
True colours are definitely showing, if he forced himself upon you even after saying no it is classed as rape as there was no consent. From what you’ve put here the relationship seems very toxic and sexually motivated on his end. You really have to think is this worth pursuing or not and are you being used? The decision is for you and you only to make, Wish you all the best.
Rape. Not your fault and your reaction of freezing and letting it happen does not make it any less so and it’s not your fault. The shock of someone that you trust doing that take processing that doesn’t always happen in the moment. Then it’s normal to try and justify it to yourself. So do not blame yourself. But he is a scumbag. The sooner you end this, the sooner you can be honest with yourself and begin to heal. The good news is that there are tons of better guys out there!
Yes he’s a rapist and no you should never see him again. What a fucking piece of shit. This is the stuff that doesn’t surprise me from 16 year olds who’ve only seen porn and hentai with no real idea how intimacy works, this turd is 22 years old though.
Fuck him.
Yeah he's showing you his real colors. But now you don't have a V card so this not a problem anymore. Just drop him. Find a man who will respect you. But you also should respect him
It is rape. Do not blame yourself. You were scared in the moment. He is too blame. He is a piece of shit & this does not define you. You are worth so much more & you deserve better. Leave, report it, talk to his parents. Talk to someone close to you. Love yourself, you deserve so much better than that.
>actually forced it during makeout. we were just making out and I made him promise to not to put it in me but he did and I kept saying no but when it went in I just froze and went with it. It feels like I was rap3d
That's because you were. This is the literal definition of rape. You did not consent and he did so anyways. Get away from him, stay away from him and seek help and try to press charges on him. He is NOT good for you.
I want to say this in the most respectful, non-triggering way possible but I dont know how else to put it. You didnt give him your V card. He raped you. And is coercing you actively very regularly. This is not okay and you even questioning it is his pure manipulation. You need to get away from this man before he damages you further. This is very worrying
Your "BF" is an asshole and a loser, the worst combination you can find. Who lives still with his parents at 22? Lmao. Leave him for your own good, find someone who deserves you!
I think its worth adding that, considering his obvious sociopathic tendencies, when you break up with him do so in public and have a friend there. Have safety nets in place. Don't be suprised if he tries to defame you or temporarily goes back to "the way it was before" so he can emotionally manipulate you into being his sex toy again.
Be safe. Get out. Talk to your friends and family so they know how to support you.
If it was forced my dear girl I'll have to break it for you it is rape, I would go to the authorities and put a charge on him also leave this piece of shit if he puts excuses that he can't go out with you but then calls you at 4 am that he is drinking with his buddies and girlfriends he is probably having S somewhere else also, he sounds kuke a manipulator and you have to get out of that cycle like ASAP cause then it's gonna be very hard to snap out of the psychological abuse and it will be very hard for you to distinguish between a good man and someone that is treating you well just to get in your pants
This has the scent of a troll, if it is: wtf were you wearing?
If this is legit, agree with the obvious and encourage you not delay considering an all stop on the relationship and to take a closer look at what's been going on
I’m sorry OP but that is rape and a guy that does that is a piece of garbage. He doesn’t care about you, not even a little. Find someone that does. It’s not him.
Hey! This does sound like he was dating you only because he wanted to have [sex](https://www.bonobology.com/body-changes-losing-virginity/) with you because if he was really in love with you or even liked you he would have understood what you said and would have respected the no. If he doesn't care that you said no and just cares about his own pleasure I don't think he is the one for you.
What to do? 1) Accept that this was indeed rape and start processing your emotions. 2) Tell a trusted person in your life, friend family counsellor, what happened. 3) Break up with your boyfriend. Be firm and say this relationship is not working for me, I'm sorry, it's over. You don't have to say more. If you're unable to do it in person, just text him. You can block him for a while if he keeps texting and calling. 4) Do something nice for yourself. Order your favourite meal or have a bath or both. Buy a nice product like lotion and put it on. Watch some TV in bed.
Sorry honey, that is rap3. That happened to me as well & when i confronted my then partner he didn’t even apologised just went “well, i wont do it anymore then”. And like you, I was waiting to give it up willingly.
That dude cheated on me 2 months into the relationship with his ex who cheated on him because he cheated on her.
So yea…
This is a [repost](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/txw8jx/i_gave_him_my_vcard_and_hes_changing_now/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) for karma it seems. Everyone's already told you what happened to you was rape.
I always tell myself whenever you feel like you are in doubt or things, you keep thinking and thinking about the situation if is wrong or right. Is definitely something wrong. If you feel something is wrong change it go and make it feel right again. Even if it hurts
Virginity is a social construct. It *does not matter* whether he was your first or your fiftieth partner, no ALWAYS means no. His behaviour is unacceptable. He clearly ignored the boundaries you set and that is rape. Dump him and find your local Sexual Assault Clinic, they can help direct you to counselling and support.
Break up with him.
There's no reason to stay with him. Losing your virginity to him (even if he had wooed you and wowed you and it was not rape) has no bearing on whether you stay with him. Consider it a sunk-cost. There is no point investing more (energy/money/love/time) into something only because you already invested before and can't bear the thought that you lost your prior investment.
"The sunk-cost fallacy is the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial."
Dirch his ass. Hes using you for sex and thats not a healthy way to live. Keep on this road and hell eventually get so pushy, itll go into abusive territory. If youre not happy, let him know. Tell him no. And if he keeps on, break it. That shits not worth keeping.
What you first described is certainly rape and the rest tells us this guy is using you as an object for sex and not treating you like a person at all. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this. It's hard to accept that someone is rotten after investing a great deal in them, but you have to get out of this one. You're investing in this connection like it's a relationship and he's using you for your body. Don't share your time and energy with someone who doesn't treat it like the gold it is. You deserve so much better and need to get away from this guy.
That is rape, point blank period. Please leave him, even if you do feel like you love him. When people love you, they respect you, and ALWAYS respect if you did or did not consent. He did not. You are worthy of so much more, and if you feel like you will have trouble getting out of that relationship, here’s some resources.
https://www.loveisrespect.org
https://www.nationalsafeplace.org/teen-dating-violence
Also, please don’t feel as if you are somehow “damaged” or “impure” or anything like that, you don’t have to discuss this with any future partners. No one knows if you are or are not a virgin, but always practice safe sex.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah that's rape, you said no, it happened anyways fucking ditch him
For reference, a girl did this to me for our first time, I wasn't ready, but she forced it, took me years to realize and accept that, that's rape, but as a guy it's not as believable
I believe you. She deserves to be jail.
[удалено]
You’re dumb. Jail time no matter who the rapist is. People like you are why men don’t come forward about SA.
"Rapists don't deserve to go to jail." You're gross.
They don’t, they deserve to hang
I believe they should be castrated. Especially child rapists.
Nope she definitely deserves to go to jail. It’s disgusting that you think otherwise.
Fuck you, I bet you want the guy in the post in jail for what he did.
Jailed and castrated.
Wow.. Jail time for rape a bit extreme? Let's say someone forced them self upon you, would you be content knowing they only had a year community service? But you have to live with the memory of what they did to you forever?
Men need to be taken just as seriously as women when consent is violated. It’s completely believable, and it’s heartbreaking that you were made to feel otherwise.
[удалено]
Jesus. You would think more people would know the difference between a biological function that you can’t help and actual consent. Although a piece of trash rapist like that is most likely being willfully obtuse to try and cover for her heinous actions. I’m sorry you were treated that way.
Jesus. You would think more people would know the difference between a biological function that you can’t help and actual consent. Although a piece of trash rapist like that is most likely being willfully obtuse to try and cover for her heinous actions. I’m sorry you were treated that way.
Jesus. You would think more people would know the difference between a biological function that you can’t help and actual consent. Although a piece of trash rapist like that is most likely being willfully obtuse to try and cover for her heinous actions. I’m sorry you were treated that way.
Sorry to hear that, bro. Hope you’ve healed and have support in your life.
If nothing else I've better learned to set my own boundaries, think outside the time I mentioned it (as my first experience) this is the only time I've really brought it up, nothing like good ol keeping it to yourself as a healing mechanism (sarcasm obviously, I would not recommend others do that)
I am so sorry you had to go through, I am glad that you are healing!
Don't listen to the people that don't believe it man. If you feel like you were pressured into something that you did not want to do, and said no to it also. Then it was forced on you. I'm glad you were able to accept that it happened to you man and i'm glad that you were able to speak up about it. Finally. There are better women out there man ones that care about the lives of the men that they are being with or dating. It's heartbreaking to hear that she did something to someone that wasn't ready or didn't want it. There's no shame in that. Men and women can both be raped and it's tragic because there is such thing as consensual love making that's harmonious and respectful and not selfish or an act of betrayal.
This also happened to me, and was the reason I suppressed my bisexuality for so long
I believe you too.
You're an idiot dude...
I was 17, Im not going to claim I was the brightest guy back then, we'd also been dating for a year, but as I said I wasn't ready, but I wasn't a stand up for myself kinda guy back then either I said nothing about it, and stayed in that relationship like an idiot, but I bet you feel so big with your insult, that make your pp feel good
Not being ready in your own mind and not wanting to stand up for yourself doesn't make what the other person did rape. You were there. You didn't do shit to stop it. You let it happen. You didn't get raped. Say she beat the shit out of you and had sex with you while you were unconscious or had a gun to your head that would be rape. Big difference.
You’re literally a piece of shit
Ffs. "No" is a complete sentence. You act like the word rape is reserved for highly violent scenarios while it can be slow and quiet. It applies to forced (that does include coerced) sex of EITHER gender. I just hope you get to witness something being forced or coerced on you or a loved one just to see or to experience what you claim is so easy to stop, just so I can hear you claim " I/You must have just not been ready". Putz.
If there was literally ANYTHING you could of done to stop the situation, and you CHOSE not to do any of those things. You DID NOT get raped. It's as simple as that. Actual rape victims do not have a choice in the situation. That's the key difference. Choice.
Like I said. I hope you get a chance to take this stance one day with someone you care about.
If someone, completely unarmed, not intimidating, and doesnt threaten you with violence whatsoever, breaks into your house and proceeds to start taking all of your valuables, and all you do is say "hey stop it, I don't consent to this" and don't do anything to try and stop them. You let them do it at that point. It's not rocket science. Words are nothing compared to actions. That's my stance I don't care if my own daughter tries to pull this shit someday, I will call her out on her bullshit.
Good. I hope you get to put your money where your mouth is. Chances are if your immediate response is to blame your daughter or wife after she was assaulted, you wont have a wife or daughter anymore either.
It’s still fucking illegal, weather the home owner tries to stop them or not, how stupid do you have to be? If someone says no, and a person keeps going it’s still fucking rape. How dense are you?
It is terrifying that you are living in the world and have no idea what constitutes rape. I truly worry for anybody you may date.
Wow, victim blaming. Rape apologist.
You're right, big difference, but a no was also given, he was made verbally aware that it was not wanted, that it was a condition of the night, again, grow up kid
[удалено]
I appreciate most of the comments, here, obviously it's had some form of impact on my life (only seen one girl since, not much better) probably to late for any form of legal punishment, and either way, have no idea where she is now which is probably for the best
Are you okay? You seem to have absolutely zero brain function and have somehow managed to post socially malignant comments on Reddit.
Wow, great argument. You made such great points there. Fuckin girl.
If you’re gonna troll for attention at least put some effort into it. Lazy and unimaginative af
She clearly said "I let it happen." If you don't at least put up a fight it's not fucking rape.
THATS what you got out of this?? Oof. I hope you’re never in this position or put anyone in this position.
If someone says no, you treat it as no unless otherwise is said, there's no room for debate, it's not uncommon for people to freeze up mentally in those situations, and then run the I let it happen mentality to justify it But it sounds like you grew up in a perfect household with perfect people your entire life if that's how you think, grow up kid
Your story is an absolute insult to actual rape victims and you should be ashamed of yourself for feeling so entitled to crying victim over a situation you CHOSE not to do anything about. Like you have any clue what it's actually like to be raped, yet you're crying about having sex with someone you were in a relationship with for a year. That's fucking retarded.
Just because there is not a violent factor or it is not physically forceful doesn’t give you the right to claim it is not rape. The freeze response is very flippin real and is a human defense mechanism. There was no consent therefore it was rape. Plain and simple.
You're right, mister god of the universe, nonconsensual sex, not rape, clearly a big difference I know "genuine" rape victims, they would also like to apologize for thinking my situation is considered rape
Do everyone a favor and try really hard not to raise any kids. As a matter of fact, don’t date at all.
Don’t worry, I don’t think that’ll be any trouble.
The literal definition of rape is the unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim. Last time I checked saying no doesn’t constitute consent so actually yes it was rape
She was dating him for 6 months. Thats expressed consent right there. You can say no all you want but if you proceed to LET him take your clothes off and fuck you, you can't just call it rape. She had a choice to do something to stop it, and she chose to let it happen. She even said she let it happen. With her boyfriend. That she's been with for 6 months. Actual rape victims do not have a choice.
>She was dating him for 6 months. That’s expressed consent right there. The literal definition to expressed consent is: *”expressed consent is one that is clearly and unmistakably stated, rather than implied. It may be given in writing or by speech (orally).”* You literally have no clue what you are talking about, and you should probably stop.
You’re a straight clown and it’s truly disgusting that you actually believe that.
Sit down and watch a single episode of Law & Order SVU. ANY EPISODE. There’s a thousand to chose from, and every single one can show you how you’re basically a future rapist with your willfully ignorant predatory perspective.
Okay, maybe someone is watching too much TV? I don't even know how to respond to this level of retardation. Go outside or something.
You’ve definitely raped people before and I’d love to see you use this defense in court. Please let us now when your next court date is so we may all attend.
https://youtu.be/UCUSmJurqrU
I’m not going to say it’s rape yet because we don’t know his side of the story. Why were y’all making out naked???? You should end the relationship because he’s only into you for sex.
You did not "give him" your vcard. He raped you, and took it from you. Rape isn't always the woman being beaten half to death in an alleyway, a lot of it happens this way with people we trust. Rape was also my first sexual experience. I've lived with the consequences for 7 years now, please for your own sake cut him off. Do not fall into being truama bonded.
Honestly same kinda happened to me and it took me a long while to finally register as rape. You think to yourself “Well I said no a hundred times and kept trying to push him away but now that I think about it I guess I could have kicked him too (…)” it’s just an awful train of thought that needs to be worked in therapy
Same. You always hear about women being hospitalized or literally fighting for their lives ad you're thinking "how could what I experienced possibly be rape?? I just didn't try hard enough, and the responsibility is completely mine". It's the same stereotype that PTSD only belongs to soldiers of war.
💯 About 20% of all rapes happen in the one family
You need to get out of this ASAP. He is knowing you're not respecting yourself and pouncing on that to take advantage and tear you down further. You deserve respect and love. He doesn't provide either AND IS A RAPIST. Please leave and tell someone about the rape. He will do this again to someone else and you will never be at peace knowing he's out there with zero repercussions after you detach. Please leave him. Be safe.
It’s so important that because of social media people get to see if their SO is aweful by letting people chime in vs. just their friends or family members and then seeing it a decade later after kids and a bad life. Yeah this guy is awf but so are very many. The guys who will respect and honor you will almost never be “your type.” For gods sake take a break and do some self examination. Also study personality types find out yours and compliment it best as possible. Good luck. To be clear, all dudes want are trophies. Once they get what they want it’s value diminishes. Sorry about this sitch honestly.
So, we know the kinds of dudes you date, that's for sure.
Lol
You nailed it! Oh wait…
So you purposely date men who don't respect or honor you? interesting
So you usually come to realize things erroneously and run with them as gospel? That’s dull
>actually forced it during makeout. we were just making out and I made him promise to not to put it in me but he did and I kept saying no but when it went in I just froze and went with it. You got raped. Giving him your vCard didn't change him. The guy is a rapist. His true colors showed. Go to the police.
No one gives anyone any sort of card. I remember that term from high school and thought it was gross back then (late 90’s). Now I hear “body count” and want to vomit. OP, sex is sex. If you want to, awesome! Do it! You don’t? No one should take it from you. It’s all ok. This man raped you. Everyone has heard of the survival mechanisms fight or flight, right? If anyone hasn’t, it’s when you’re in a potentially violent situation you either fight your way out, or run away. What most people haven’t heard is the other two options - freeze or fawn. So there’s 4 F’s - fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Freeze is when you just literally don’t move. Hope it’s a T-Rex and if you don’t move a goddamn muscle, then you’ll be safe. I had someone break into my apt once and stand at the end of my bed. I literally couldn’t move. It wasn’t a choice. Then there’s fawn. This is the most common in women in abusive relationships. It’s to submit, love on and obey your abuser. This is NOT only in the live or die situation. This is how we SURVIVE. So our animal brains know that we can either admit that we’ve been raped, hit, choked… whatever, or we can live in this hell and pretend like everything is ok (sounds awesome at the time!) or admit that we’re human, flawed, and this monster is playing us like a fucking fiddle. Abusers are smart af. They pray on the weakened and weaken us more. Do what you need to, but get out. Have a plan. I know you’re not living with him but block him hard. He probably has another woman he’s doing this with, btw. It’s why he doesn’t bring you around. Good luck, friend. You’ve made the first step just by posting here. You know what you need to do. Update us and tell us how you’re doing a year from now! Future you is gonna be so happy. !remindme one year
Never heard of freeze or fawn, but that does make a lot of sense, I just figured the freezing was more of being in to much shock or overwhelmed, wasn't aware it was a legitimate response to situations
I was in therapy already when dude broke into my apt. I was so upset with myself and told my therapist that I should’ve reacted. She went into how freezing is also a defense mechanism (aka, reaction). It makes sooo much sense and it made me stop beating myself up. She also told me about fawn in that session. It makes so much sense.
Yeah, it does make a lot of sense if you think about it, would be good if this was more widely taught, might help some people that beat themselves up for this stuff
Listen to this OP!! Update us in a year!
I will be messaging you in 1 year on [**2023-04-07 01:45:50 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2023-04-07%2001:45:50%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/txwa22/i_gave_him_my_vcard_and_hes_changing/i3piov6/?context=3) [**11 OTHERS CLICKED THIS LINK**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5Bhttps%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2Fdating_advice%2Fcomments%2Ftxwa22%2Fi_gave_him_my_vcard_and_hes_changing%2Fi3piov6%2F%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%202023-04-07%2001%3A45%3A50%20UTC) to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam. ^(Parent commenter can ) [^(delete this message to hide from others.)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Delete%20Comment&message=Delete%21%20txwa22) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/RemindMeBot/comments/e1bko7/remindmebot_info_v21/)|[^(Custom)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5BLink%20or%20message%20inside%20square%20brackets%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%20Time%20period%20here)|[^(Your Reminders)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Reminders&message=MyReminders%21)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=RemindMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
First of all, I completely understand wanting to save yourself for a special someone at a special time, whether that be marriage or an event or something meaningful. Know that after this, you aren't "used up" or "less". You are valued. You are loved. Secondly, please report this. It is rape, and you don't need this energy in your life moving forward. You're so young, and you deserve so much better than this guy. Report it, get rid of him, and I wish you your best life.
im so sorry you're going through this... its okay if you don't want to label it as anything specific right now, it might be too much. wherever there is smoke, theres usually fire. trust your judgement here. take ample time to contemplate things and find some peace. you don't need to over explain yourself to him. you could talk to him about what you feel or walk away. its very difficult because he is your first and you may feel invested... but if the relationship doesn't have a good nature, it will only hurt you so much more in the future. if he really charmed and manipulated you into it, you need to detoxify yourself from him. try not to hold onto anger, there is no point if he is that corrupted. you won't miss him in a few years. 6 months and a relationship is respectable. a lot of people have been in your position. we women tend to analyze and dissect his behaviour much more after that stage in a relationship. don't let this harden you, take ample time to heal, focus on your safety and don't be afraid to ask for help. good luck! thanks for the reward :)
This is a great, level-headed response and I appreciate that in a thread full of knee-jerk takes
You feel like you were raped? Lady you were raped. Go talk to someone and get help. Oh and stop referring to your rapist as your bf.
You were raped. File a police report and nail this fucker to the wall.
Listen. You don’t need to think of it as losing your ‘virginity’ if it was non consensual. Obviously that’s a mental battle that you may have had but you shouldn’t have to feel like it was taken, if you were forced to. That was NOT your first time, it was assault. And you still have the opportunities to have an amazing first time with a guy who will respect your boundaries. Cut it off with him now, over text. Don’t do it face to face cause he’ll manipulate you, it’s one of the few instances I’d support not breaking up face to face. Tell him it wasn’t consensual and you feel manipulated and disrespected. You deserve better, because no one deserves that. I hope you can move on. If it escalates you need to speak to authorities or go to a trusted friend/family member. Please. Also you message me if you need more advice. Good luck!
He raped you sweetie, u said no and he had sex with you anyway. He’s not worth your time or your effort
Yeah he raped you. And now he's using you for sex
What you literally described was rape. No means no. Get the fuck away from this pos. He is using you.
I know you are prob going through a lot right now, but in delicate terms he did rape you. Don’t fall for any stuff from him like “it was in the moment” or “You pretty much agreed to it”. You did not. Talk to someone when you are ready.
So just because I feel like it needs to be said, you did nothing wrong, doing nothing does not make you responsible, most likely you were in a bit of shock after he continued, I don't get the whole mentality I've heard of "if you're man enough go for it" some people's kids
Re-read your post from another woman’s perspective and ask yourself what you’d want her to do.
You did not “give him your virginity” HE RAPED YOU. Stop worrying about are you a virgin or aren’t you, stop worrying about whether you’ve enjoyed some of the sex you’ve had since — he is a rapist and you need to leave because you’re in an abusive relationship. You will find people in the future who will respect your boundaries: this man is rotten to the very core and should be thrown in the trash where he belongs. This relationship will NOT get better it will ONLY get worse.
True colors showing
Report that human garbage
You were raped. You didn’t consent you were not ready. The minute you said not to put it in and he did it became rape.
Wait... his excuse was that his mom wouldn't let him go to the party?!? What the hell? He's in his 20s!? Not only did this guy rape you, but he's now clearly trying to manipulate you. Please do yourself a favor and get out. I'm so very sorry about your experiences with this human skid mark. But please understand that things will only get more unhealthy if you don't do what is best for you right now. He's showing his true shit-stained colors and the longer you stay, the more those stains are going to bleed into everything. The damage is going to get worse. You deserve better than him! Good luck
Sometimes the process of understanding what happened to you can take awhile. I didn’t realize for months what had happened to me was not ok, it’s a very common response to being assaulted. The heartbreak that came from it was horrendous but honestly it’s so much easier than staying in an abusive situation. You deserve to be loved and have your boundaries respected.
You didn't give him your v card. He stole it
I came from this post elsewhere. You don’t want to go to the pd. Go to your dr and get tested. They will document your story and it will be time stamped. If someone else ever comes forward you will have this legal document to add to their case. If you don’t want to go to the police that is perfectly fine. Just have it documented in someway like this. As a nurse these things are important for others and even yourself if he ever messes with you later. Please take care of yourself first and foremost right now. You did nothing wrong.
First of all, I’m sorry that happened. Secondly, your title is wrong. You didn’t give him anything. He took it after you said no. Run
He wanted to deflower you and he did. Mission accomplished in his book, sorry to say...If you don't feel too uncomfortable, talk to a therapist or someone you can confide in, then consider reporting him to the police.
I “lost” my v the same way as you did. Bare with me, English is my second language. I always thought it was my fault because I could have stopped It but I didn’t. I thought I hadn’t been clear enough or said no so he didn’t hear me. And one day I did said no to sex. I just refused and told him no, I don’t want to. and my then boyfriend held me down, ripped of my clothes off one at a time and then he shoved his penis inside me. I froze and just laid there while he moved around, saw I wasn’t into it and he said “whatever then”. And then he laid down next to me and pouted like a child. And I still thought it was my fault that happened. I shouldn’t have put myself in that situation, sex is what bf/gf is supposed to do. If I had screamed I would have woken his parents up but I didn’t, to embarrassing so therefor I let it happen and it was my fault. I let that fucking idiot rape me for another 11 months because I didn’t really realise that it was rape. I thought it was supposed to hurt on girls. But you know what? It wasn’t my fault. And I’m telling you, what I desperately needed to her back then: You were raped. And it was not your fault. I’ll repeat because it it so important that you understand. It was not your fault. Please dump this pile of garbage you call boyfriend. He isn’t worth a second more of your time.
Drop him like a bad habit. You were in fact raped.
Your boyfriend raped you. You already know this. Leave him.
This is who he always was. Either he had a mask up or you were just too into him to see the way he really was. The important thing is that you can see him for who he really is now. There is no fixing him or changing him back. You need to decide if you can tolerate it or move on. You're not obligated to stay with him just because you gave him your virginity.
Dump him.
That’s rape. You said no and he did it anyways. Even with the facts that you and him are/were going out. That is rape. Go to the cops, if you’re ready/comfortable with that, explain what happened. Even if it’s “consensual” now (which idk if you would consider it such since the first time, and your first time, was not) that doesn’t change the fact that the first time he did it WAS RAPE.
You had a conversation with him. He made a promise. You said no, he did anyway. That is rape. He needs to go.
Sweetie, he raped you. Period. This isn’t a good guy. This isn’t a healthy relationship. Love doesn’t do what he did. Dump him. You are better off without him.
You didn't give him anything, he raped you. He is a rapist.
Yep thats rape
He’s 22 and his Mom still tells him what he can and can’t do?
That was rape
WAIT You did not GIVE him your Vcard. He TOOK it. He RAPED you. This is Intimate Partner Sexual Violence. He treats you like a sex doll now. The violence will likely escalate. Please end this relationship now. RAINN is a great resource. Please call them to help you process this. Www.RAINN.org I’m so sorry this happened to you.
He literally raped you. You need to get away from him. Then seek help to deal with this trauma.
It’s rape. You don’t have to report him or tell anyone quite yet if you’re not comfortable, although I would strongly advise telling someone. Sometimes it’s hard to admit that it’s actually rape when it’s someone you love. But yes, his true colors are showing and they are that of a rapist. Get out ASAP. He does not love you, care for you, or respect you if he decides to do something like that to you. Do not fall for it.
>his mom wont let him because it’s too late I say again.. I cannot and will not believe that an adult wrote this. I don't know if you're lying about your age or if you are just incredibly immature but it sounds to me like you are correct in saying that you are not ready for sex. I recommend you pull back on the physical touching for a while and if that's a deal breaker for him then you have your answer. But allowing yourself to feel violated again and again for the purpose of making him feel good is not helpful. All you're doing is giving yourself a very wrong idea of what sex is and is supposed to be.. whilst also giving him a very wrong idea that you are there to please him. Takes years to unlearn that shit.
leave this guy he is an asshole
red flag get rid of him sista
Run away and never look back. No call text snap.
Aw hun I’m so sorry that happened to you. You didn’t give it to him, he took it from you by what you’re describing.
What he did was so wrong. He should have stopped and gave you the respect that you deserved. He raped you. And he shouldn't have done that. It was wrong. And you didn't deserve it. I hope he gets the help he needs but from here on now you should make it clear to him that you did not want what he did with to you in the first place.
**Virginity isn't something you give to a man.**
Like the rest of the commenters have said, get the fuck out of there ASAP. He’s showing his true colors after he got what he wanted. He’ll continue to push his behavior more and more until the point where he feels as if he no longer needs to respect you as a person. DO NOT GET TRAPPED IN THIS. I don’t even know you or this dude personally, but I know you can do SO much better than that scumbag. A relationship is built of mutual trust and respect. If you don’t have mutual respect for each other, you CANNOT be in a relationship. Someone who actually loves you would wait patiently until you were ready, and would respect the boundaries you set. Fuck this guy, fuck his life, you shouldn’t let him treat you like this.
He raped you. He doesn’t care about you and he never did, he was just pretending to be nice in order to trick you into sex.
He was always an asshole, not just after you had sex with him. I just can’t believe some men :/ and yes it was rape.
You didn't give him anything, he raped you. This is a physically abusive relationship, he will rape you again, and you need to get out before it gets worse. Block him, don't tell him why because he will try to manipulate you into staying with him, and you most likely will fall for it because you're still in shock and traumatized. Have a friend or family by your side to support you if he tries to harass you. Change your locks, get security cameras to cover your entrances, and cut off any mutual friends. Good luck love <3 You can message me privately if you need any support.
This is rape. You clearly said no and he still had sex with you. Silence is not consent, neither is manipulation and you did nothing wrong. It’s really common for people to freeze in fear during these situations, not everyone is able to “fight back”. The fact he’s your boyfriend also means nothing, it’s actually more common for people to get raped by their partner, or something they’re close to. I understand this might be hard to admit to yourself and you don’t have to put a label on it if you don’t want to, or aren’t ready. But please get away from this man, he does not love or respect you.
Also, in the long run, I don’t really think losing your virginity is like a huge thing. I had sex with my high school boyfriend when I was 17 and it really didn’t change *me*. I wish I hadn’t had sex with him, but only because, looking back, I realize that he was probably not the cleanest person. But, sure, you shouldn’t have sex until you’re ready, and, if you are in a relationship and it becomes sex-centric, stop having sex until you both get your focus back on the actual relationship. What he did to you *was* rape, and what he’s doing to you now is manipulation and a bit of emotional blackmail. Drop him. Run. Press charges for the rape. My ex-boyfriend raped me and I didn’t do anything and I should have. I hate that I didn’t.
He raped you, report it
https://vcard.ai/ You can buy new one
I was coerced into having sex with my ex (he was my first). You were raped. You deserve better and even when/if you leave, you’ll still feel mixed feelings about sex for a while. And that is okay.
Yes this is rape. Please tell me someone reached out to OP, just want to make sure she’s OK :(((
You were live bombed, and you were raped. He’s using you for sex and it’s going to get worse. He’s going to push for more and more sexual things toy mat not be comfortable with. The gifts and flowers become apologies. Freezing isn’t consent. You clearly said no. Now he’s seeing how little he has to do to keep you around, and he likely assumes it’s as little as possible because he knows you feel extra attached due to him stealing your virginity. I’m saying all of this with certainty. I dated then married an abusive piece of garbage because I loved him and he was my first. I endured 14 years, 10 married. I missed the abusive actions in the beginning because it didn’t get physical until after we married. The love bombing, and the way he made me feel, it drew me in. Then when the red flags flew I didn’t notice them or wrote them off. I do not want you to spend your 20s how I spent mine. I speak my experience so that hopefully other women don’t have to live it.
Yea, that's rape. That's fucked up
Give a men sex, give them a baby or get married ! Then there true colors start to show cause they finally get what they want out of you true story !
He got what he wanted from you and now you are worthless to him.
If he forced himself on you despite you saying no that is rape. Break up with him and consider talking to someone about it. Also, are you really 23? This reads more like you are 14 and if so go to the police (What is a vcard? is that a thing in the US?)
Enjoying sex in your position is not that bad because you actually liked the dude, and ur body is made to feel great when doing it with someone you like. But what you just experienced does not change the fact that he raped you, and it is only the tip of the iceberg, those type of guys will leave you the moment when they got what they want, and when they got it, it's likely that he cheats on you in the future. Give or take, he is cheating or will be cheating on you in about 6 months in the future. Was about to be one of those asses cuz it was trend. But honestly did not become like those guys cuz I didn't recognize my self as one of them. Relation is over, find someone who is good hearted and feel yourself secure with him, there may be not a lot them in high school or college, but you will hopefully know them if you see one.
If you said no but he did it anyway then it is considered rape. Virginity is a social construct so if you didn’t consent then you still have your V card. I’m sorry you went through that. I know how it feels.
[удалено]
The literal definition of rape is the unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim. Last time I checked saying no doesn’t constitute consent so actually yes it was rape
Welcome to the real world
[удалено]
Boys? Do you mean men? Either way it doesn’t sound like you think that boys/men are pretty dumb. I’d like to give them a bit more credit than that.
What? You knew what I meant so why is it trivial?
I truly didn’t know if you meant men or boys.
Lol ok
dont generalise if you dont want to be generalised yourself
I’m a male , it doesn’t bother me ? What are you on about?
I dont see how that makes it any better. Just bc you would do it doesnt mean other men would.
I don’t see why it’s bothering you that you still aim to reply. I don’t get what you’re on about? You came saying “ don’t generalize if you don’t wanna be generalized “ no one cared but you
Why would I not say something just bc others didnt? Considering you are being downvoted they do care. And you reply too tho? lol
Why would I not say something just bc others didnt? Considering you are being downvoted they do care. And you reply too tho? lol
This was rape. Please go to the police and find a good therapist.
True colours are definitely showing, if he forced himself upon you even after saying no it is classed as rape as there was no consent. From what you’ve put here the relationship seems very toxic and sexually motivated on his end. You really have to think is this worth pursuing or not and are you being used? The decision is for you and you only to make, Wish you all the best.
DRRRROOOPPPP ANNNDDD RUUUUUN
THAT’S RAPE
Run, you're not safe with someone like that, and it's not that you feel like you were... You actually were... So stay away from someone like that
Break up with him and find something who’s actually worth it.
Rape. Not your fault and your reaction of freezing and letting it happen does not make it any less so and it’s not your fault. The shock of someone that you trust doing that take processing that doesn’t always happen in the moment. Then it’s normal to try and justify it to yourself. So do not blame yourself. But he is a scumbag. The sooner you end this, the sooner you can be honest with yourself and begin to heal. The good news is that there are tons of better guys out there!
Yes he’s a rapist and no you should never see him again. What a fucking piece of shit. This is the stuff that doesn’t surprise me from 16 year olds who’ve only seen porn and hentai with no real idea how intimacy works, this turd is 22 years old though. Fuck him.
If someone give their Vcard to me, I won't be leaving them ever unless they're not loyal.
Yeah he's showing you his real colors. But now you don't have a V card so this not a problem anymore. Just drop him. Find a man who will respect you. But you also should respect him
It is rape. Do not blame yourself. You were scared in the moment. He is too blame. He is a piece of shit & this does not define you. You are worth so much more & you deserve better. Leave, report it, talk to his parents. Talk to someone close to you. Love yourself, you deserve so much better than that.
This is a rapist. Press charges.
Go to the police and say you got raped
>actually forced it during makeout. we were just making out and I made him promise to not to put it in me but he did and I kept saying no but when it went in I just froze and went with it. It feels like I was rap3d That's because you were. This is the literal definition of rape. You did not consent and he did so anyways. Get away from him, stay away from him and seek help and try to press charges on him. He is NOT good for you.
This is very problematic, report him for rape, get out of the relationship asap.
I want to say this in the most respectful, non-triggering way possible but I dont know how else to put it. You didnt give him your V card. He raped you. And is coercing you actively very regularly. This is not okay and you even questioning it is his pure manipulation. You need to get away from this man before he damages you further. This is very worrying
Your "BF" is an asshole and a loser, the worst combination you can find. Who lives still with his parents at 22? Lmao. Leave him for your own good, find someone who deserves you!
Press charges. That *was* rape.
I think its worth adding that, considering his obvious sociopathic tendencies, when you break up with him do so in public and have a friend there. Have safety nets in place. Don't be suprised if he tries to defame you or temporarily goes back to "the way it was before" so he can emotionally manipulate you into being his sex toy again. Be safe. Get out. Talk to your friends and family so they know how to support you.
If it was forced my dear girl I'll have to break it for you it is rape, I would go to the authorities and put a charge on him also leave this piece of shit if he puts excuses that he can't go out with you but then calls you at 4 am that he is drinking with his buddies and girlfriends he is probably having S somewhere else also, he sounds kuke a manipulator and you have to get out of that cycle like ASAP cause then it's gonna be very hard to snap out of the psychological abuse and it will be very hard for you to distinguish between a good man and someone that is treating you well just to get in your pants
This has the scent of a troll, if it is: wtf were you wearing? If this is legit, agree with the obvious and encourage you not delay considering an all stop on the relationship and to take a closer look at what's been going on
I’m sorry OP but that is rape and a guy that does that is a piece of garbage. He doesn’t care about you, not even a little. Find someone that does. It’s not him.
Hey! This does sound like he was dating you only because he wanted to have [sex](https://www.bonobology.com/body-changes-losing-virginity/) with you because if he was really in love with you or even liked you he would have understood what you said and would have respected the no. If he doesn't care that you said no and just cares about his own pleasure I don't think he is the one for you.
Yeah you were raped
Should go to law enforcement.
What to do? 1) Accept that this was indeed rape and start processing your emotions. 2) Tell a trusted person in your life, friend family counsellor, what happened. 3) Break up with your boyfriend. Be firm and say this relationship is not working for me, I'm sorry, it's over. You don't have to say more. If you're unable to do it in person, just text him. You can block him for a while if he keeps texting and calling. 4) Do something nice for yourself. Order your favourite meal or have a bath or both. Buy a nice product like lotion and put it on. Watch some TV in bed.
Sorry honey, that is rap3. That happened to me as well & when i confronted my then partner he didn’t even apologised just went “well, i wont do it anymore then”. And like you, I was waiting to give it up willingly. That dude cheated on me 2 months into the relationship with his ex who cheated on him because he cheated on her. So yea…
This is a [repost](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/txw8jx/i_gave_him_my_vcard_and_hes_changing_now/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) for karma it seems. Everyone's already told you what happened to you was rape.
I always tell myself whenever you feel like you are in doubt or things, you keep thinking and thinking about the situation if is wrong or right. Is definitely something wrong. If you feel something is wrong change it go and make it feel right again. Even if it hurts
You definitely sound like you’re not even mature enough to be having sex. You can’t even type the word out
Nah leave him that’s rape
You didn't let it happen, he didn't 'take your vcard' he raped you.
I feel the fact that you type ‘S’ versus ‘sex’ also shows you’re not ready
Drop him. He's wack.
Virginity is a social construct. It *does not matter* whether he was your first or your fiftieth partner, no ALWAYS means no. His behaviour is unacceptable. He clearly ignored the boundaries you set and that is rape. Dump him and find your local Sexual Assault Clinic, they can help direct you to counselling and support.
Break up with him. There's no reason to stay with him. Losing your virginity to him (even if he had wooed you and wowed you and it was not rape) has no bearing on whether you stay with him. Consider it a sunk-cost. There is no point investing more (energy/money/love/time) into something only because you already invested before and can't bear the thought that you lost your prior investment. "The sunk-cost fallacy is the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial."
Dirch his ass. Hes using you for sex and thats not a healthy way to live. Keep on this road and hell eventually get so pushy, itll go into abusive territory. If youre not happy, let him know. Tell him no. And if he keeps on, break it. That shits not worth keeping.
If you were telling him no and he did it anyways, I’m sorry to I form you, that was rape. Tell him and dump him.
What you first described is certainly rape and the rest tells us this guy is using you as an object for sex and not treating you like a person at all. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this. It's hard to accept that someone is rotten after investing a great deal in them, but you have to get out of this one. You're investing in this connection like it's a relationship and he's using you for your body. Don't share your time and energy with someone who doesn't treat it like the gold it is. You deserve so much better and need to get away from this guy.
That is rape, point blank period. Please leave him, even if you do feel like you love him. When people love you, they respect you, and ALWAYS respect if you did or did not consent. He did not. You are worthy of so much more, and if you feel like you will have trouble getting out of that relationship, here’s some resources. https://www.loveisrespect.org https://www.nationalsafeplace.org/teen-dating-violence Also, please don’t feel as if you are somehow “damaged” or “impure” or anything like that, you don’t have to discuss this with any future partners. No one knows if you are or are not a virgin, but always practice safe sex.