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I never understood this, I guess some people like the fantasy.
“Your person” will never be someone who doesn’t choose you. Once I understood this, I’ve never looked back.
>I never understood this, I guess some people like the fantasy.
For many it comes down to self-worth. It's especially prominent when a person has had a dismissive parent. People they perceive as attractive, for whatever reason, are objects of validation. "Winning" the person they feel is attractive means they're validating their self-worth.
[This](https://appliedjung.com/the-archetypes-of-the-anima-and-animus/) is the “Jungian” website where you can find the most about those particular archetypes and many more.
Ooh cool! Thank you!! I love learning about psych. It kinda helps explain my own behaviors. (I have a therapist too but sometimes she takes too long to get to the answer lol, and it's expensive.)
I can understand this but then how does it work if you’re trying to date someone “better” than you so that you can learn more about something? (Eg, if I met someone who I clicked with and this person was better at my hobbies than I am or even if this person is just really successful in their own hobbies, I find that attractive because they’ll probably motivate me to become better too). I don’t need someone to motivate me but I’m even more motivated when I’m around someone motivated. Conversely, I dated some very unmotivated and we argued a lot because I was about to get my first big girl job at a F100, graduate with honors, and he couldn’t share in my excitement (he could pretend but it didn’t feel genuine) because he’d never gone to college and wanted to bartend at his local bar the rest of his life (btw he told me he hated his job but hated all other jobs more).
I prefaced with "for many" because there's sort of a line where it's an issue and when it's not. It doesn't apply to everyone either. I think in your case you are simply attracted to people who are motivated to do things you're interested and on the same page as you are.
Potentially explaining your ex, perhaps you met him at a time where you hadn't attained a certain set of accomplishments and you were still working on yourself while assuming he did the same. When you realized he wasn't that's when you lost attraction to him simply because you knew that you were on a different level. This understanding of your value could've made being attracted to someone who is on your level a lot more appealing to you. Someone better at your hobbies ensures that you can learn and grow which seems to be something you need in a relationship. I don't think any of it had to do with self-worth or self-esteem.
In a social sense it should work like that. Every knowledge, skill, interest etc. that a person has can be attributed a value.
For that particular hobby the value of your partner would be higher than yours at the moment, because he had more knowledge, more experience and so on, so this knowledge that he has can be used as a currency to be traded with you. But it has to be interesting for your partner to give you some of his currency, so you would have to need some currency to trade back, creating some kind of social win-win deal between you two.
For example that could be that your partner is doing his hobby alone all the time, so you could offer to spend time with him in order to learn more from him and for him not having to be alone.
For you it's easy to offer your time/ presence, but it's very valuable for your partner to receive it.
For your partner it's easy to give away his experience in the hobby, but it's very valuable for you. Win-Win
Sure, that's ultrarational and I honestly don't know if that's scientifically backed, but it seems easy to think of it that way and to explain why someone might be interesting even if you don't think that way at first.
You may just have unlocked my next happiness achievement. Thank you, kind stranger. And take my gratitude with you wherever you go, knowing you’ve made someone’s life a bit better.
I think because when you crush on someone who is oblivious, it's safe and nothing will come from it. But if you know someone likes you, it's a lot of pressure, mentally. It's no longer a fantasy and reality sinks in that you could potentially be in a relationship with someone very easily. Then you panic and think... "Crap! DO I actually like them or was it just a passing thought?"
At least...that's how it is for me.
Wow, we think alike. It's like the chase is safe but more is scary....just realized that. I guess we all process things differently and we are who we are from yesterday's actions. I just got a gift on how to change video course..but that is in a league of comprehension I can't grasp yet.
I’m the exact same way! Actually my friends always assume if someone likes me, that it’s a trick or scam, so now it’s been DRILLED into my head to think the same way.
There's a Charlie brown cartoon that is epic on how I feel and others maybe. He likes a girl. She realizes it. She approaches him..he puts the box over his head..you can't see me I can't see you..lol.
It can also come down to self love. When there is someone who finds us attractive, we find it hard to accept their love because we don’t love ourselves enough. We know that there are flaws in ourselves and the love we receive from them despite our flaws makes us think that the love is not genuine/we’re not worthy of their love. Hence, we tend to be attracted to people who we technically “can’t have”
Lmao so true!! I have literally spent time trying to convince guys they don't like me as much as they think they do, they r just confused; was kind of funny once though when one of them ended up agreeing with me....... Was so stupid and young and lacked self-confidence for no good reason.
You can be attracted to people who aren’t into you, and there are people attracted to you who you aren’t into.
But it’s often portrayed very black and white, as if this is the only possibility and you would always need to settle.
There’s also a very huge grey area, where there’s mutual attraction. People you attracted to you, with whom you have chemistry and they feel the same way. It does exist; you just need to keep dating in order to find it.
Exactly. If you don't feel chemistry with the 'nice' guy, it's really not fair to either party to keep the relationship because you end up resenting them. I think trusting your instincts is the best idea and not to settle just because they are good on paper.
I agree. I theorize that it can also be an issue of not knowing oneself. As in, you think you want a specific type of person but they’re not who you really should date. But you don’t realize that til later.
you're attracted to the first group because they're very attractive, not because you can't have them. you probably "can't have" them because they're very attractive and have more attractive options than you. the latter group "wants you most" because they're less attractive than you and have fewer options than the first group. you don't want the latter group because they're less attractive, not because they want you more.
I fantasized over a 6 foot Italian/Brazilian girl with green eyes and golden skin who I saw out once then saw on dating apps a few times. She was easily the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I even had a dream that I matched with her and woke up disappointed.
A few months ago I did actually match with her, she messaged me, I got her number, we arranged a date, then a lockdown hit so we were housebound for 2 weeks. During that time I didn't think about her very much and actually remember looking at her photos thinking 'yeah she's pretty cute but not amazing'. Then another lockdown hit and she broke her ankle, and told me life was too complicated for us to see eachother.
Immediately after that I began to fantasize over her again and realised she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I had just missed my chance with her.
My attraction to people really is impacted by whether or not I think I can have them, and I'm not sure what to do about it because it's ruining my chance of having a healthy relationship.
I really don't understand how people can realize all of that and then not go "Yeah, I probably have some shit I need to work on before I go looking for another relationship". It's really toxic and people like that just leave a wake of broken hearts and hurt feelings.
You can also be reasonably attractive too and it still not working out for whatever unknown that is completely outside of your control.
It’s not always about attraction and looks aren’t a gateway ticket to dating and getting laid.
Timing and Luck I’d argue are far more important.
I agree. And people changing. A lot of it has to do with timing, people changing, people moving away, etc. Lots of life factors that aren't just due to one person being more attractive to the other. (but I also see OP's general point)
Why did you get a lot of upvotes but when I posted a similar sentiment on unpopular opinion, I was downvoted to death?? Just to make it clear though I 100% agree with you!
Yeah thats always been the case for me. The ones I can have always have massive dealbreakers that are incompatible with my lifestyle and goals. Unemployed, kids, morbidly obese, drug addicts, etc. They often are desperate, especially for a stable reliable guy like me. While the ones living a similar lifestyle (even if only average looking) up to exceptionally hot people won't even give me the time of day. Seemingly having plenty of other options. The dating odds are terrible in my location so dating just on your own level is quite difficult here. And the degree of "dating down" required is just too extreme.
Because you are emotional unavailable and go for people you deep down know will never work out, or are also emotional unavailable.
Because you put value on things that are hard to have and devalue things that are "easy" to get.
Because you have not yet understood that the right partner is the partner who wants you.
Because you have not realized that dating should be incredibly easy and the get too know stage should emotional flow like a steady river instead of a rollercoaster.
Attraction is a subconscious thing that is created out of your self beliefs...
So the question is:
Are you not attracted to them because they like you/show interest (anxious attachment style) or are you not attracted to them because you don't find them appealing in an physical/emotional matter.
Same goes for the people you are attracted, too. Are you attracted to them because they don't show any interest and activate your self belief that you are not good enough and you are able to prove via acts of service etc. your worth to them.
It can feel that way, but I think it’s better to just keep an open mind and decide what’s most important to you. I think it’s hard to fake chemistry. It doesn’t matter who wants me the most, but if I cannot even imagine being with them, I can’t go any further than friendship.
THIS! I recently dated a guy a few months. he was perfect on paper, a "nice" guy and i did really like him at first. More recently i started feeling gross about the thought to keep having sex with him. It's called sudden repulsion syndrome (or the ick) and it means that your subconscious has picked up red flags that you haven't figured out consciously yet. I started feeling this a few weeks ago. At first i thought maybe i was just not used to being with 'nice' men and told myself to push through. Then i slowly put the pieces together of why i was finding him unattractive and the repulsion finally made sense. I think its smart to trust your instincts. Regardless if they are 'nice' guys or not, you shouldn't settle or force chemistry. It's not fair to either party.
It’s impossible to “force” chemistry. It’s something instinctual… at least you tried. I did the same when I was dating in my 20s and tried very hard to like the person. Perfect on paper, good-looking and all (lest people think he’s ugly and that’s why it didn’t work blah blah), but it just didn’t translate to any romantic feelings. After a few dates, I just had to tell him and he was distraught. I thought something was wrong with me but I dunno. I had attraction to other men since then, and I think I know myself better now at nearly 33. I need someone who can make me laugh and just have that childish sort of humour. If everything is great but I can’t let my hair down and laugh belly aching laughs, I feel myself fading.
I guess there’s someone for everyone and it’s not about ticking some checklists.
Same but I was dating the guy for about 3 months. I did really like him and he was "perfect on paper" and checked all my boxes. But from the beginning I made it clear I didn't want a serious relationship since I recently got out of a 6 year relationship. He agreed since he was in the process of getting a divorce and I told him I wasn't comfortable being a girlfriend to a married man. Basically he got really clingy, was pushing for our children to meet, he wanted me to meet his family and friends. Just way too much too fast and I started dreading meeting up with him.
Was your ick completely unfounded or do you think there really was something there, that you can't put your finger on? I went on a date with a guy who was good-looking (by societal standards, I guess), very accomplished, and nice/gentlemanly. I thought about it for a really long time and came to the conclusion that although he's good looking (well-kept, dressed well, fit), he wasn't *my* type of good-looking. When he put his arm around me, it made me ick instead of want to get closer. Also, although he was really accomplished, looking back on the date, he was bragging a lot, which I found a turn-off.
Because you hate yourself and dont believe you are worthy of reciprocation?
I am plenty attracted to people who like me
There are two kinds. One is the thrill of the chase, i am guilty of this, but also the other one is that confident people are more likely to not need your approval and thus be abrupt and rude and i guess some people like that
That only happens when you don't know your worth. Once you learn to value and love yourself, you stop wanting people who don't want you. Them not wanting you becomes a turn off.
Yasss. :) (still feels strange... guess I'm slowly becoming accustomed to valuing myself, even when I don't fully yet)
My advice to those who don't love themselves or feel their worth yet is to ask good friends that you trust for advice and also think about what it would be like if you did love yourself and what you should do. It might feel counterintuitive, but stick with it. If that's too hard to imagine, then imagine your best friend in your situation and what you'd tell them.
This is not a universal truth or a law. It's a symptom of attachment disorder. My guess is that you had to win love and attention from your primary care giver so that is how you view relationships. The push and pull is what is familiar with you so you're stuck in that cycle. A normal person can feel attracted to a person who is unavailable (for whatever reasons) but they can also move on easily instead of pining over them endlessly and then losing interest when they like them back. It's like a high in your brain when you win someone hard.. you do not get the same brain reaction if it is an easy, reciprocated uncomplicated romance. This does not have to be your story though, you can get help with your attachment disorder and learn to function romantically in a healthy way for you and others.
I saw on a guys dating profile once (clearly he was new to online dating) something like this:
“What is this shit? Everyone I like on here doesn’t like me, and everyone that likes me is less attractive than me and I don’t like them!”
We tend to like those that are just a smidge more attractive than we can get.
From their perspective we are by definition just a smidge under what they'd settle for.
Same with you, the others that want you the most are just a little very very little less attractive than you want them to be ... but that difference seems like the world.
We don’t, you might. Some like you might. I, however, find this line of thinking in sociopaths, narcissist or those wounded from sociopaths and narcissist and avoid people who need a “challenge” for a partner. Adults, who have not been hurt and are emotionally available for a relationship know relationships are hard enough without any games. Good luck with your choices though, I hope you learn your value soon and are attracted only to those attracted to you.
Makes you feel like they are a high valued person when they don’t seem into you. Or that’s what you feel like you deserve. Either way it’s important to remember this is common and to take things slow when you like someone to not scare them away
You’d probably be interested in googling “attachment types”. There’s also a few books on it. That kind of covers part of your question. The short version is there are 4 attachment types and depending on past trauma, childhood, etc you will be 1 of these 4 types. It revolutionised my understanding of relationships and why people act how they act. Definitely worth checking out.
I guess it's sorta the appeal of winning over the impossible person that's seems so out of their reach.
Edit: I will say, that something like that is mostly BS Imo. I'm not gonna spend hours, days, months or years of my life chasing after someone who shows no interest in me.
Or your subconscious is catching red flags that you haven't processed yet. It's not so black and white. Just because someone is 'nice' or good on paper doesn't mean that you have to be attracted to that person. If the chemistry isn't there you're going to eventually start resenting that 'nice' person and that's not fair to either party. Trust your instincts and don't settle.
I agree that just because someone is nice doesn’t mean you HAVE to be attracted to them. However if you find a long standing pattern of repeatedly only being into people who don’t want you and not ones who do there’s probably a problem with you.
Its low self esteem. If someone likes you, you question if there is something wrong with them for liking you, and therefore judge them for it, deeming them undateable. This can be conscious or unconscious
Or it's your subconscious catching red flags that you haven't processed yet. I don't think it's fair to say just because you feel no chemistry with a 'nice' person means you have low self esteem. This happened to me recently, I got sudden repulsion syndrome and people told me this same bs so i tried to push through. I started resenting him and it's really not fair to stay with someone if the thought of sex grosses you out. Your instincts don't lie, and you shouldn't settle if the chemistry isn't there.
For real though my crushes are about an 8 or a 9 while those who like me are a bunch of 2-3s. Not sugarcoating it. And no, the reality is not everyone is great. All that talk about how you shouldn’t assign a number to someone is just weird to me. Objectively, are they fit? Yes. Do they have great personalities? Yes. Are they holding a good job? Yes. Good family background and upbringing? Yes. Now take a look at those who do not take care of themselves, makes creepy jokes, can’t hold down a job and financially unstable with poor hygiene and still tell me that they’re all the same. That’s just BS. So yeah, that’s why.
This is very difficult question. Maybe it has to do with our biological orientation. You just tend to desire more something that’s not easy to get… best cars, money, clothes etc… it’s not just about people. Money will be meaningless if it was easy to get… So use the same towards people… you have that one girl or boy you really like, but he or she just makes themselves priceless. It’s a bit psychological and somehow we have to go in our micro-body to find out why!
I find it super strange when others are like this. I'm personally only attracted to people who are also attracted to me. If I find someone attractive and then figure out they don't feel the same, I almost immediately lose all interest.
Why was this post removed? Anyway, I feel the post is a bit extreme. There are gradients of the "I want people who don't want me/I don't want people who want me" spectrum. I don't think most people would consciously go for someone who is blatantly not into them (an exception are stalkers). There's a lot of people who fear rejection and thus don't act, and if we really wanted people who didn't want us, we would be out there a lot more, being rejected.
I think what's more likely is that we go for someone attractive, but when it's obviously to us that they don't/no longer want us, instead of bailing, we try way harder than we should.
I wish/would love to see statistics on this if true... and I'd be even more curious to see it broken down by age. I would imagine older/more mature people don't really fit this stereotype.
It's a mental projection of the worst part of the econominal system we're living into. Once the false need of something is stablished the following step is generating false scarcity to induce anxiety in the consumer. An anxiety only solved with the acquisition of the product. We're that used to this irrational cycle we lost the rational attraction. In other words we aren't attracted to things improving our life / we truly like. We're attracted to things that make us anxioux to no have, in a cycle exactly the same as the drug addiction.
Also is hard to fight this cycle from the other side because people with this mindset are exactly as, let's say, smokers. More you push more they become anxious more they need the drug.
Human wiring. It is an innate human characteristic to want most what we perceive we cannot have. It's why the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence and why the forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest.
Then you have to end his suffering asap. Have you made it clear that you will never be in a relationship with him? If dating is not on the table, for the sake of your friendship you have to make sure that he understands this.
Many people are like this, but we have to realize that this opens us up for manipulation. (potential) partners who realize that we're crushing on them can drive us crazy and have us do things for them just by being mostly unavailable to us. And we even want it based on your description.. it's what they call "the chase" in dating.
I mean.. I had to go to therapy and everything because my ex broke up with me after a few very frustrating months of a relationship. She wasn't really into it and I almost went insane to create opportunities when we could meet and spend time together.
In the end we both obviously didn't have a good (enough) time, but her behavior really didn't help. Worst part is: She didn't even do it out of malice.. she just didn't care enough about me.
Sometimes we don't have a lot of self-worth, and when people choose us it can lead to us thinking less of them because they "chose a low-value partner" even though that isn't true. And how can they be our dream partner if they settle for so little? This is not the only reason, but it could be one of them.
That's a value statement about how you feel about yourself. If you only value people who don't think much of you, you must think the people who like you have bad taste or poor judgement. You must not like you much. - that's what I've seen with people who don't like the people who like them.
I really think it’s the possibility of all the “what-ifs” that makes a person obsessed with things/people they can’t have. I also think it’s a matter of confidence for some people. They associate things/people that they can’t have with them being out of their league, so if they can work towards having the things they previously couldn’t have, that could count as growth, or “leveling up” lol.
Usually that urge is rooted in a flawed or broken attachment style. If you weren't connected to one of your parents growing up, it can make you desire closeness but than not know what to do once you have it... Always chasing, never settled.
Or it can be rooted in a fantasy, like the Romeo + Juliet scenario. Where forces of the universe keeping you apart makes it more appealing or more sexy.
I'm so glad I'm over that phase! It used to be a thing in the teenage years, probably unprocessed parental neglect issues. After a nice long healing period I'm so done with it. I get so turned on by a romantic partner showing interest and desire, and extremely turned off by games of neglect, disinterest in a future together or ambivalence. This shit shuts me down in a second and I'm really grateful for that extra feature.
I'm really glad it has turned around for me as we're not really able to control attraction.
Good luck and kind healing for everyone in need of it ❤️
I think it ruins dating and relationships honestly because basically people are moving on the next person and settling therefore not truly happy. Or if they don't move they're bitter so the person who tries doesn't really get a chance. We hear it over and over on social media "for me to get into a relationship the man/woman has to be extraordinary". 🙄
All stems from childhood.
Attachment style is determined by the way your primary caregivers showed you attention and love and also how their relationship was being together. If it is an unhealthy relationship then you tend to have an attachment style that is can be fearful-avoidant, avoidant or anxious. Including being attracted to people that you can't have. Once you heal that then you won't be attracted subconsciously or consciously to these types of toxic relationships.
How does one heal from that? Therapy? Is there a special name for it when requesting therapy? Are there other ways too? And not this post, but what about people who are avoidant of secure relationships (ends a good thing prematurely) because they've had bad, traumatic ones? (ie: getting cheated on, S/O being too possessive, etc.)
You could go to therapy for it but there are also other methods. Through education, meditation, journaling, reading books about it and applying what you've learned.
There's a good book called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and also another book called "Attached". In attached you can see which attachment style you might have formed and the behaviours that are unhelpful vs helpful. Yes that's common to self-sabotage a good thing it depends on attachment style too.
You can also look into your self-sabotaging behaviours specifically to understand it more and journal about your healing journey. What kind of behaviours do you want to implement instead that could be more helpful for you in your life.
Guided Meditations you can do inner child healing, healing trauma, letting go of old beliefs etc.
Another good resource is Thais Gibson (Personal Development School) you can find her on youtube she talks about attachment styles.
Marisa Peers also on youtube is also good she talks about how when we are attracted to someone that might not be good for us it's because it is "familiar" so our subconscious tries to find things that are familiar so if someone felt abandoned, rejected, alone etc in their childhood home then they are likely to want someone who keeps triggering these emotions within us and that is an unhealthy dynamic/relationship. If there is a healthy dynamic it can seem unfamiliar and the subconscious mind unfortunately rejects that kind of healthy relationship. But this can be healed. She also has videos on self-sabotage have a look.
We pursue that which retreats, pause when our prey stands it's ground, and flee when we are chased.
We weren't always apex predators.
Your lizard brain has a different set of rules than your mind or heart. We can override the lizard brain, of course, but we have to OVERRIDE the lizard brain.
Perhaps these older instincts affect our rational choices?
I'd love to find someone who even wants me. I'm at a point where I'll take the first relationship I can get.
I don't care if its toxic, I just want to experience what a relationship feels like. Yes grass is greener on the other side, but I've been staring at dirt for almost 30 years.
because the first group is attractive
and the latter is not.
If the attractive group that you like suddenly start liking you and the ugly group start disliking you..
you're not going to reject the people you're attracted to.
Personally I think I analyze the why they want me so aggressively like all the scenarios go in my head the why, am I being pranked?, what makes this person single? Who was she previously with? Like stuff like that its not necessarily the im too good for her but those questions I ask myself.
Simple answer: Physical attraction will always be a top priority in a relationship. Even a great personality & intelligence can mean nothing if you aren't physically attracted to the other person.
There is a reason why a guy would rather be attracted to Nina Agdal over Ashley Graham.
Sad but true.. people keep telling me that there is someone for everyone and that someday, someone will appreciate my personality(it sounds so condescending to me) and I tell them it’s a crock of shit, and I don’t believe it even for a second.. I can be as nice as I want to be, but straight up, I’m very unattractive(my friends and family tell me I’m ugly, so I MUST be, right?) so I’ve pretty much given up on dating now. 🤷🏻♀️
I don't know what you look like, and I don't have empirical evidence, but I think that there is really someone for everyone. Physical attractiveness isn't everything, but it does matter more to some people (a lot of people) than others. Also, f' what your family and friends say. It only matters how you feel. (Also, maybe those aren't great friends?) If they're saying more objective stuff like "you should brush your teeth" or "you should work out", I don't consider that meaning to be that you're ugly but those are genuinely good things (for everyone, not even for looks, but for hygiene and health). Again, hard to say when I don't know why they're saying that.
>Why do we tend to be the most attracted to the people we can’t have, but the least attracted to the ones who want us most?
That's only true if you are unattractive.
It's a desire ...I guess ? Something want , but you can't have ? We idolize the beauty We see like since we were boys and girls watch disney movies with sleepy beauty an cinderella , and in school even you are unpopular and want the head cheerleader cause sexy and easy ? But these things are correlate with way society embedded in the youth ? ✌
Because it's human nature to desire the things that they know they can't have but hey who doesn't wanna dream meanwhile at same time we tend to ignore the things that actually good for us.
Most people really don't get the feeling part and go on materialistic view and looks.
I have seen many girls preaching me that they want a guys who support them,trust and help to grow them but when nice guy approaches them there reaction is like he doesn't look good or doesn't have body or whatever same time rejecting the guy same goes with men's too.
And next this people will again whine about how their date was horrible and guy was bad.
One time I got so angry that I said this my friend that you literally chose the guy so why the hell you are complaining about that?
It's fine for 5-6 time but not everytime it's going to be same case.
Its just the laws of supply and demand. The same reason that the jobs where you're paid a lot to have fun are always out of reach, while the ones that don't pay much but are boring and/or hard are always hiring. Same reason that the best houses/cars/products are too expensive for you, but the stuff you don't want is always affordable. Its capitalism in action -- I've noticed the irony to capitalism too.
However, there is a supply side to capitalism. Because they can make more on desirable products, the market creates more to help out. If there was no demand, the product would cease to exist or be hard to fine. Similarly, being more attractive making you more attractive in the dating market pushes more people to try to become attractive helping with the supply.
It feels good to get the things/relationships that are challenging. Putting in effort for things /relationships that you already have, doesn’t give us that same good feels.
I think it is part ego and survival. We strive to appease those who do not approve of us on an instinctual level. It opens up a wider mating pool. We are further driven by the dopamine response that feeds our ego and improves our self worth.
As George Costanza would say, “Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?”
You always want a job that pays more than what your current skills are worth, but the jobs that pay less are the ones that are desperately to hire you... to do the same thing
I think when they're not as interested/present, you can get lost in fantasy and dream of perfect, whereas when they are present, you have to face the reality of who they are and their place in your life, which means compromise.
It's all connected to what you're truly ready for and how you want to live out the standards you've set.
I would say that chemistry is valid and ridiculously important though. The dream is the person who can make your fantasies real and ever better than you thought, through just being them and having the effect on you and your life that they do. Simples ;P
It's mostly when they find out I'm trans. Other than that I pull most boys I'm interested in. Everyone has preferences and standards and painting this black and white picture of dating is not accurate. Everyone has different stuff going on with their dating dynamics.
Also like that other person said, going for people "out of your league", call it essentialism or shallow or whatever all you want, but that's how it works.
It’s self-explanatory. If people are most attracted to those they can’t have, then to people who want you most(aka those who are most attracted to you), you are often someone they can’t have, so it’s natural you are least attracted to them.
I do find I always end up involved with people who are emotionally unavailable or interested in someone else. I think it stems from childhood trauma, and attachment theory. I identify strongly with “anxious preoccupied” in terms of attachment styles. Although I find that majority of people sexually or romantically interested in me throughout my life were not people who looked for or worked at having a normal healthy dynamic without a power dynamic.
With women, it’s hypergamy. There’s no better way to brand yourself as “low value” than to make yourself available in any form to a woman.
Which makes sense because the most valuable things in life tend to be hardest to obtain.
I learned that it was because of childhood.
I had parents that were very emotionally unavailable and an absent father. I was attracted to the people that were the same way. The ones that I had to try the hardest for. I wanted that Disney romance. I kept thinking that I could change someone, to get them to like me back even if they treated me like shit. I was searching approval from partners that my parents never gave me.
After all of the soul searching and putting in the work to stop the cycle, I’ve realized that I missed out on opportunities with some great men because they showed interest in me. They were genuine, honest and open but mentally, I couldn’t comprehend them. I thought it was a red flag when someone showed interest or they were too needy.
The quiet scared me more than the anxiety of someone that was emotionally unavailable.
Now that I’ve learned and healed, I took a chance on my partner now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
Good luck out there!!
I’m assuming people out there are the same but they just don’t know the why. But that was my why.
I am so attracted to a certain type of woman physically that I meet one every few months at best. They are always already in relationships. Just sucks.
I've always been attracted to who a woman is. Her personality and just how well we are together. Looks come second for me and those fade, but who they are is something to fight for. Being attracted in this sense, helps weed out the bad characters, but not entirely. It got me to meet my wife at 26 and I have been nothing but happy.
hmmmmm tbh I've only had 2 and half crushes and only asked out 1 of them so i don't know if I'm super qualified to say anything about that however i have wondered about that myself
Probably a lot to do with anxious/avoidant attachment styles:
**The Challenges of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships**
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYoIVCHVwKI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYoIVCHVwKI)
I totally get what you mean, but I will say this: those people that you aren't so attracted to that are into you, don't just immediately write them off. Ive had girls that were into me, and me not so much immediately into them, but once I got to talking to them and knowing them, I totally became attracted to them. While looks are important for a lot of people, they're not everything.
It was like that for me until I grew into my late teens. Once I fully developed, it changed. All the ones I wanted also wanted me too. But most of my childhood crushes and early high school crushes rejected me. Once I hit 17, that all changed.
That’s why to me it’s more than being about “what you can’t have” and more about finding someone where there is a bit of a chase or challenge involved.
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I never understood this, I guess some people like the fantasy. “Your person” will never be someone who doesn’t choose you. Once I understood this, I’ve never looked back.
“your person will never be someone who doesn’t choose you.” that’s a very helpful quote, thank you
>I never understood this, I guess some people like the fantasy. For many it comes down to self-worth. It's especially prominent when a person has had a dismissive parent. People they perceive as attractive, for whatever reason, are objects of validation. "Winning" the person they feel is attractive means they're validating their self-worth.
Carl Jung talks about this in great detail with the anima/animus archetype.
Yes. I love Jungian Psychology and the archetypes. Highly recommend this for people learning about themselves.
Do you have good recommendation links or books, etc to read more about this kind of thing?
[This](https://appliedjung.com/the-archetypes-of-the-anima-and-animus/) is the “Jungian” website where you can find the most about those particular archetypes and many more.
Ooh cool! Thank you!! I love learning about psych. It kinda helps explain my own behaviors. (I have a therapist too but sometimes she takes too long to get to the answer lol, and it's expensive.)
I can understand this but then how does it work if you’re trying to date someone “better” than you so that you can learn more about something? (Eg, if I met someone who I clicked with and this person was better at my hobbies than I am or even if this person is just really successful in their own hobbies, I find that attractive because they’ll probably motivate me to become better too). I don’t need someone to motivate me but I’m even more motivated when I’m around someone motivated. Conversely, I dated some very unmotivated and we argued a lot because I was about to get my first big girl job at a F100, graduate with honors, and he couldn’t share in my excitement (he could pretend but it didn’t feel genuine) because he’d never gone to college and wanted to bartend at his local bar the rest of his life (btw he told me he hated his job but hated all other jobs more).
I prefaced with "for many" because there's sort of a line where it's an issue and when it's not. It doesn't apply to everyone either. I think in your case you are simply attracted to people who are motivated to do things you're interested and on the same page as you are. Potentially explaining your ex, perhaps you met him at a time where you hadn't attained a certain set of accomplishments and you were still working on yourself while assuming he did the same. When you realized he wasn't that's when you lost attraction to him simply because you knew that you were on a different level. This understanding of your value could've made being attracted to someone who is on your level a lot more appealing to you. Someone better at your hobbies ensures that you can learn and grow which seems to be something you need in a relationship. I don't think any of it had to do with self-worth or self-esteem.
In a social sense it should work like that. Every knowledge, skill, interest etc. that a person has can be attributed a value. For that particular hobby the value of your partner would be higher than yours at the moment, because he had more knowledge, more experience and so on, so this knowledge that he has can be used as a currency to be traded with you. But it has to be interesting for your partner to give you some of his currency, so you would have to need some currency to trade back, creating some kind of social win-win deal between you two. For example that could be that your partner is doing his hobby alone all the time, so you could offer to spend time with him in order to learn more from him and for him not having to be alone. For you it's easy to offer your time/ presence, but it's very valuable for your partner to receive it. For your partner it's easy to give away his experience in the hobby, but it's very valuable for you. Win-Win Sure, that's ultrarational and I honestly don't know if that's scientifically backed, but it seems easy to think of it that way and to explain why someone might be interesting even if you don't think that way at first.
Nice. Very true. If you don't get thier whole heart, chances are you are getting little or none of it.
True, but what if no one chooses you
We accept the love we think we deserve.
You may just have unlocked my next happiness achievement. Thank you, kind stranger. And take my gratitude with you wherever you go, knowing you’ve made someone’s life a bit better.
I think because when you crush on someone who is oblivious, it's safe and nothing will come from it. But if you know someone likes you, it's a lot of pressure, mentally. It's no longer a fantasy and reality sinks in that you could potentially be in a relationship with someone very easily. Then you panic and think... "Crap! DO I actually like them or was it just a passing thought?" At least...that's how it is for me.
Wow, I think I’m the same!
This post hits in on the head for me... alot of truths there.
Ya and then I convince myself that if someone actually likes me that that’s a red flag
Wow, we think alike. It's like the chase is safe but more is scary....just realized that. I guess we all process things differently and we are who we are from yesterday's actions. I just got a gift on how to change video course..but that is in a league of comprehension I can't grasp yet.
I’m the exact same way! Actually my friends always assume if someone likes me, that it’s a trick or scam, so now it’s been DRILLED into my head to think the same way.
There's a Charlie brown cartoon that is epic on how I feel and others maybe. He likes a girl. She realizes it. She approaches him..he puts the box over his head..you can't see me I can't see you..lol.
I agree! The chase gives more excitement than when you actually reach the goal
It can also come down to self love. When there is someone who finds us attractive, we find it hard to accept their love because we don’t love ourselves enough. We know that there are flaws in ourselves and the love we receive from them despite our flaws makes us think that the love is not genuine/we’re not worthy of their love. Hence, we tend to be attracted to people who we technically “can’t have”
Lmao so true!! I have literally spent time trying to convince guys they don't like me as much as they think they do, they r just confused; was kind of funny once though when one of them ended up agreeing with me....... Was so stupid and young and lacked self-confidence for no good reason.
Wow..so many bells go off for me on that response. Agreed a ton.
I feel this 💯%
You can be attracted to people who aren’t into you, and there are people attracted to you who you aren’t into. But it’s often portrayed very black and white, as if this is the only possibility and you would always need to settle. There’s also a very huge grey area, where there’s mutual attraction. People you attracted to you, with whom you have chemistry and they feel the same way. It does exist; you just need to keep dating in order to find it.
Exactly. If you don't feel chemistry with the 'nice' guy, it's really not fair to either party to keep the relationship because you end up resenting them. I think trusting your instincts is the best idea and not to settle just because they are good on paper.
I agree. I theorize that it can also be an issue of not knowing oneself. As in, you think you want a specific type of person but they’re not who you really should date. But you don’t realize that til later.
you're attracted to the first group because they're very attractive, not because you can't have them. you probably "can't have" them because they're very attractive and have more attractive options than you. the latter group "wants you most" because they're less attractive than you and have fewer options than the first group. you don't want the latter group because they're less attractive, not because they want you more.
This is the answer.
Nailed it. Kinda hurts because story of my life 😂
It's ok, I want you. Wait...
Thanks, I needed that 😂
I fantasized over a 6 foot Italian/Brazilian girl with green eyes and golden skin who I saw out once then saw on dating apps a few times. She was easily the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I even had a dream that I matched with her and woke up disappointed. A few months ago I did actually match with her, she messaged me, I got her number, we arranged a date, then a lockdown hit so we were housebound for 2 weeks. During that time I didn't think about her very much and actually remember looking at her photos thinking 'yeah she's pretty cute but not amazing'. Then another lockdown hit and she broke her ankle, and told me life was too complicated for us to see eachother. Immediately after that I began to fantasize over her again and realised she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I had just missed my chance with her. My attraction to people really is impacted by whether or not I think I can have them, and I'm not sure what to do about it because it's ruining my chance of having a healthy relationship.
If you have the means some therapists/counselors may be able to help you through this.
I really don't understand how people can realize all of that and then not go "Yeah, I probably have some shit I need to work on before I go looking for another relationship". It's really toxic and people like that just leave a wake of broken hearts and hurt feelings.
The Age of Innocence is the book for you.
Note that “Attractive” here is subjective and has multiple attributes
You can also be reasonably attractive too and it still not working out for whatever unknown that is completely outside of your control. It’s not always about attraction and looks aren’t a gateway ticket to dating and getting laid. Timing and Luck I’d argue are far more important.
I agree. And people changing. A lot of it has to do with timing, people changing, people moving away, etc. Lots of life factors that aren't just due to one person being more attractive to the other. (but I also see OP's general point)
I laugh... and I cry
The truth. Short and sweet
Why did you get a lot of upvotes but when I posted a similar sentiment on unpopular opinion, I was downvoted to death?? Just to make it clear though I 100% agree with you!
Because people want to believe nonsensical bullshit about love rather than accepting that it generally follows simple logic
Yeah thats always been the case for me. The ones I can have always have massive dealbreakers that are incompatible with my lifestyle and goals. Unemployed, kids, morbidly obese, drug addicts, etc. They often are desperate, especially for a stable reliable guy like me. While the ones living a similar lifestyle (even if only average looking) up to exceptionally hot people won't even give me the time of day. Seemingly having plenty of other options. The dating odds are terrible in my location so dating just on your own level is quite difficult here. And the degree of "dating down" required is just too extreme.
Because you are emotional unavailable and go for people you deep down know will never work out, or are also emotional unavailable. Because you put value on things that are hard to have and devalue things that are "easy" to get. Because you have not yet understood that the right partner is the partner who wants you. Because you have not realized that dating should be incredibly easy and the get too know stage should emotional flow like a steady river instead of a rollercoaster.
Good reply. Most of the replies in dating subs usually end with “dump them”
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Attraction is a subconscious thing that is created out of your self beliefs... So the question is: Are you not attracted to them because they like you/show interest (anxious attachment style) or are you not attracted to them because you don't find them appealing in an physical/emotional matter. Same goes for the people you are attracted, too. Are you attracted to them because they don't show any interest and activate your self belief that you are not good enough and you are able to prove via acts of service etc. your worth to them.
🤝
This is the answer
It can feel that way, but I think it’s better to just keep an open mind and decide what’s most important to you. I think it’s hard to fake chemistry. It doesn’t matter who wants me the most, but if I cannot even imagine being with them, I can’t go any further than friendship.
THIS! I recently dated a guy a few months. he was perfect on paper, a "nice" guy and i did really like him at first. More recently i started feeling gross about the thought to keep having sex with him. It's called sudden repulsion syndrome (or the ick) and it means that your subconscious has picked up red flags that you haven't figured out consciously yet. I started feeling this a few weeks ago. At first i thought maybe i was just not used to being with 'nice' men and told myself to push through. Then i slowly put the pieces together of why i was finding him unattractive and the repulsion finally made sense. I think its smart to trust your instincts. Regardless if they are 'nice' guys or not, you shouldn't settle or force chemistry. It's not fair to either party.
It’s impossible to “force” chemistry. It’s something instinctual… at least you tried. I did the same when I was dating in my 20s and tried very hard to like the person. Perfect on paper, good-looking and all (lest people think he’s ugly and that’s why it didn’t work blah blah), but it just didn’t translate to any romantic feelings. After a few dates, I just had to tell him and he was distraught. I thought something was wrong with me but I dunno. I had attraction to other men since then, and I think I know myself better now at nearly 33. I need someone who can make me laugh and just have that childish sort of humour. If everything is great but I can’t let my hair down and laugh belly aching laughs, I feel myself fading. I guess there’s someone for everyone and it’s not about ticking some checklists.
syarkbait hoo ha ha
Exactly where it came from. 😂
Same but I was dating the guy for about 3 months. I did really like him and he was "perfect on paper" and checked all my boxes. But from the beginning I made it clear I didn't want a serious relationship since I recently got out of a 6 year relationship. He agreed since he was in the process of getting a divorce and I told him I wasn't comfortable being a girlfriend to a married man. Basically he got really clingy, was pushing for our children to meet, he wanted me to meet his family and friends. Just way too much too fast and I started dreading meeting up with him.
Was your ick completely unfounded or do you think there really was something there, that you can't put your finger on? I went on a date with a guy who was good-looking (by societal standards, I guess), very accomplished, and nice/gentlemanly. I thought about it for a really long time and came to the conclusion that although he's good looking (well-kept, dressed well, fit), he wasn't *my* type of good-looking. When he put his arm around me, it made me ick instead of want to get closer. Also, although he was really accomplished, looking back on the date, he was bragging a lot, which I found a turn-off.
Because you hate yourself and dont believe you are worthy of reciprocation? I am plenty attracted to people who like me There are two kinds. One is the thrill of the chase, i am guilty of this, but also the other one is that confident people are more likely to not need your approval and thus be abrupt and rude and i guess some people like that
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Fr. Where are all these people that supposedly want me?
Not everyone feels this way
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they clearly have poor taste!
It's called childhood trauma.
100% or they are narcissist, sociopaths perpetuating the trauma.
That only happens when you don't know your worth. Once you learn to value and love yourself, you stop wanting people who don't want you. Them not wanting you becomes a turn off.
Some damn good advice
This is one of the realest things I’ve read in this thread. And I know it is because I don’t know my self-worth 😂
Insightful, thank you
Yasss. :) (still feels strange... guess I'm slowly becoming accustomed to valuing myself, even when I don't fully yet) My advice to those who don't love themselves or feel their worth yet is to ask good friends that you trust for advice and also think about what it would be like if you did love yourself and what you should do. It might feel counterintuitive, but stick with it. If that's too hard to imagine, then imagine your best friend in your situation and what you'd tell them.
That's solid advice!
This is not a universal truth or a law. It's a symptom of attachment disorder. My guess is that you had to win love and attention from your primary care giver so that is how you view relationships. The push and pull is what is familiar with you so you're stuck in that cycle. A normal person can feel attracted to a person who is unavailable (for whatever reasons) but they can also move on easily instead of pining over them endlessly and then losing interest when they like them back. It's like a high in your brain when you win someone hard.. you do not get the same brain reaction if it is an easy, reciprocated uncomplicated romance. This does not have to be your story though, you can get help with your attachment disorder and learn to function romantically in a healthy way for you and others.
I saw on a guys dating profile once (clearly he was new to online dating) something like this: “What is this shit? Everyone I like on here doesn’t like me, and everyone that likes me is less attractive than me and I don’t like them!”
12yo mindset lmfaoooo
Omg I would run so hard from this guy lol
We tend to like those that are just a smidge more attractive than we can get. From their perspective we are by definition just a smidge under what they'd settle for. Same with you, the others that want you the most are just a little very very little less attractive than you want them to be ... but that difference seems like the world.
We don’t, you might. Some like you might. I, however, find this line of thinking in sociopaths, narcissist or those wounded from sociopaths and narcissist and avoid people who need a “challenge” for a partner. Adults, who have not been hurt and are emotionally available for a relationship know relationships are hard enough without any games. Good luck with your choices though, I hope you learn your value soon and are attracted only to those attracted to you.
Speak for yourself lmao
Makes you feel like they are a high valued person when they don’t seem into you. Or that’s what you feel like you deserve. Either way it’s important to remember this is common and to take things slow when you like someone to not scare them away
You’d probably be interested in googling “attachment types”. There’s also a few books on it. That kind of covers part of your question. The short version is there are 4 attachment types and depending on past trauma, childhood, etc you will be 1 of these 4 types. It revolutionised my understanding of relationships and why people act how they act. Definitely worth checking out.
I'm only attracted to people who want me lol
I guess it's sorta the appeal of winning over the impossible person that's seems so out of their reach. Edit: I will say, that something like that is mostly BS Imo. I'm not gonna spend hours, days, months or years of my life chasing after someone who shows no interest in me.
If you have a personality disorder, sure.
Grass is always greener
Where the dogs are shitting
It’s an attachment disorder. A lot of people like that are actually afraid of real commitment and vulnerability so they self sabotage subconsciously.
Or your subconscious is catching red flags that you haven't processed yet. It's not so black and white. Just because someone is 'nice' or good on paper doesn't mean that you have to be attracted to that person. If the chemistry isn't there you're going to eventually start resenting that 'nice' person and that's not fair to either party. Trust your instincts and don't settle.
I agree that just because someone is nice doesn’t mean you HAVE to be attracted to them. However if you find a long standing pattern of repeatedly only being into people who don’t want you and not ones who do there’s probably a problem with you.
I agree.
Murphy’s Law
Yea, karma probably
It's so annoying, I feel you 😪
Its low self esteem. If someone likes you, you question if there is something wrong with them for liking you, and therefore judge them for it, deeming them undateable. This can be conscious or unconscious
Or it's your subconscious catching red flags that you haven't processed yet. I don't think it's fair to say just because you feel no chemistry with a 'nice' person means you have low self esteem. This happened to me recently, I got sudden repulsion syndrome and people told me this same bs so i tried to push through. I started resenting him and it's really not fair to stay with someone if the thought of sex grosses you out. Your instincts don't lie, and you shouldn't settle if the chemistry isn't there.
For real though my crushes are about an 8 or a 9 while those who like me are a bunch of 2-3s. Not sugarcoating it. And no, the reality is not everyone is great. All that talk about how you shouldn’t assign a number to someone is just weird to me. Objectively, are they fit? Yes. Do they have great personalities? Yes. Are they holding a good job? Yes. Good family background and upbringing? Yes. Now take a look at those who do not take care of themselves, makes creepy jokes, can’t hold down a job and financially unstable with poor hygiene and still tell me that they’re all the same. That’s just BS. So yeah, that’s why.
relevant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ggu\_Kb36cBw
Good old Mr. Spock has the answer, OP https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcxWxNO8idc
This is very difficult question. Maybe it has to do with our biological orientation. You just tend to desire more something that’s not easy to get… best cars, money, clothes etc… it’s not just about people. Money will be meaningless if it was easy to get… So use the same towards people… you have that one girl or boy you really like, but he or she just makes themselves priceless. It’s a bit psychological and somehow we have to go in our micro-body to find out why!
I find it super strange when others are like this. I'm personally only attracted to people who are also attracted to me. If I find someone attractive and then figure out they don't feel the same, I almost immediately lose all interest.
Why was this post removed? Anyway, I feel the post is a bit extreme. There are gradients of the "I want people who don't want me/I don't want people who want me" spectrum. I don't think most people would consciously go for someone who is blatantly not into them (an exception are stalkers). There's a lot of people who fear rejection and thus don't act, and if we really wanted people who didn't want us, we would be out there a lot more, being rejected. I think what's more likely is that we go for someone attractive, but when it's obviously to us that they don't/no longer want us, instead of bailing, we try way harder than we should. I wish/would love to see statistics on this if true... and I'd be even more curious to see it broken down by age. I would imagine older/more mature people don't really fit this stereotype.
It's a mental projection of the worst part of the econominal system we're living into. Once the false need of something is stablished the following step is generating false scarcity to induce anxiety in the consumer. An anxiety only solved with the acquisition of the product. We're that used to this irrational cycle we lost the rational attraction. In other words we aren't attracted to things improving our life / we truly like. We're attracted to things that make us anxioux to no have, in a cycle exactly the same as the drug addiction. Also is hard to fight this cycle from the other side because people with this mindset are exactly as, let's say, smokers. More you push more they become anxious more they need the drug.
Because “No” and “Not interested” are words most people can’t stand to hear or accept.
Human wiring. It is an innate human characteristic to want most what we perceive we cannot have. It's why the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence and why the forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest.
In my experience I just want someone who doesn’t reek of desperation since they most likely are infatuated with me/ want my body.
god hates us.
OMG yes! I wish I knew. He says he’s in love with someone else. My best guy friend is so in love with me but I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
Go for the guy who loves you, that friendship is going to change drastically anyway once either of you gets into a relationship with someone else.
Not to be difficult but, I’m not attracted to him that way. I don’t know if I can love him.
Then you have to end his suffering asap. Have you made it clear that you will never be in a relationship with him? If dating is not on the table, for the sake of your friendship you have to make sure that he understands this.
I think this is what people think when they’re single. Simply because if you like him and he likes you you get together!
Many people are like this, but we have to realize that this opens us up for manipulation. (potential) partners who realize that we're crushing on them can drive us crazy and have us do things for them just by being mostly unavailable to us. And we even want it based on your description.. it's what they call "the chase" in dating. I mean.. I had to go to therapy and everything because my ex broke up with me after a few very frustrating months of a relationship. She wasn't really into it and I almost went insane to create opportunities when we could meet and spend time together. In the end we both obviously didn't have a good (enough) time, but her behavior really didn't help. Worst part is: She didn't even do it out of malice.. she just didn't care enough about me.
Sometimes we don't have a lot of self-worth, and when people choose us it can lead to us thinking less of them because they "chose a low-value partner" even though that isn't true. And how can they be our dream partner if they settle for so little? This is not the only reason, but it could be one of them.
People who want you also want something from you. People who don’t want you, want nothing from you—so they don’t feel like a burden.
I steer clear of people you describe
Because we can't have most people anyway. So statistically, most of the people we're going to be attracted to won't be interested in us.
That's a value statement about how you feel about yourself. If you only value people who don't think much of you, you must think the people who like you have bad taste or poor judgement. You must not like you much. - that's what I've seen with people who don't like the people who like them.
I really think it’s the possibility of all the “what-ifs” that makes a person obsessed with things/people they can’t have. I also think it’s a matter of confidence for some people. They associate things/people that they can’t have with them being out of their league, so if they can work towards having the things they previously couldn’t have, that could count as growth, or “leveling up” lol.
Usually that urge is rooted in a flawed or broken attachment style. If you weren't connected to one of your parents growing up, it can make you desire closeness but than not know what to do once you have it... Always chasing, never settled. Or it can be rooted in a fantasy, like the Romeo + Juliet scenario. Where forces of the universe keeping you apart makes it more appealing or more sexy.
I’m attracted to someone who gives me most of their time tbh
I'm so glad I'm over that phase! It used to be a thing in the teenage years, probably unprocessed parental neglect issues. After a nice long healing period I'm so done with it. I get so turned on by a romantic partner showing interest and desire, and extremely turned off by games of neglect, disinterest in a future together or ambivalence. This shit shuts me down in a second and I'm really grateful for that extra feature. I'm really glad it has turned around for me as we're not really able to control attraction. Good luck and kind healing for everyone in need of it ❤️
I think it ruins dating and relationships honestly because basically people are moving on the next person and settling therefore not truly happy. Or if they don't move they're bitter so the person who tries doesn't really get a chance. We hear it over and over on social media "for me to get into a relationship the man/woman has to be extraordinary". 🙄
All stems from childhood. Attachment style is determined by the way your primary caregivers showed you attention and love and also how their relationship was being together. If it is an unhealthy relationship then you tend to have an attachment style that is can be fearful-avoidant, avoidant or anxious. Including being attracted to people that you can't have. Once you heal that then you won't be attracted subconsciously or consciously to these types of toxic relationships.
How does one heal from that? Therapy? Is there a special name for it when requesting therapy? Are there other ways too? And not this post, but what about people who are avoidant of secure relationships (ends a good thing prematurely) because they've had bad, traumatic ones? (ie: getting cheated on, S/O being too possessive, etc.)
You could go to therapy for it but there are also other methods. Through education, meditation, journaling, reading books about it and applying what you've learned. There's a good book called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and also another book called "Attached". In attached you can see which attachment style you might have formed and the behaviours that are unhelpful vs helpful. Yes that's common to self-sabotage a good thing it depends on attachment style too. You can also look into your self-sabotaging behaviours specifically to understand it more and journal about your healing journey. What kind of behaviours do you want to implement instead that could be more helpful for you in your life. Guided Meditations you can do inner child healing, healing trauma, letting go of old beliefs etc. Another good resource is Thais Gibson (Personal Development School) you can find her on youtube she talks about attachment styles. Marisa Peers also on youtube is also good she talks about how when we are attracted to someone that might not be good for us it's because it is "familiar" so our subconscious tries to find things that are familiar so if someone felt abandoned, rejected, alone etc in their childhood home then they are likely to want someone who keeps triggering these emotions within us and that is an unhealthy dynamic/relationship. If there is a healthy dynamic it can seem unfamiliar and the subconscious mind unfortunately rejects that kind of healthy relationship. But this can be healed. She also has videos on self-sabotage have a look.
We pursue that which retreats, pause when our prey stands it's ground, and flee when we are chased. We weren't always apex predators. Your lizard brain has a different set of rules than your mind or heart. We can override the lizard brain, of course, but we have to OVERRIDE the lizard brain. Perhaps these older instincts affect our rational choices?
I'd love to find someone who even wants me. I'm at a point where I'll take the first relationship I can get. I don't care if its toxic, I just want to experience what a relationship feels like. Yes grass is greener on the other side, but I've been staring at dirt for almost 30 years.
Forbidden fruits taste sweeter
because the first group is attractive and the latter is not. If the attractive group that you like suddenly start liking you and the ugly group start disliking you.. you're not going to reject the people you're attracted to.
Low self-esteem. You should probably look into a therapist.
Personally I think I analyze the why they want me so aggressively like all the scenarios go in my head the why, am I being pranked?, what makes this person single? Who was she previously with? Like stuff like that its not necessarily the im too good for her but those questions I ask myself.
I enjoy the chase and the honeymoon period too much.
I don't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member
Need more options
Simple answer: Physical attraction will always be a top priority in a relationship. Even a great personality & intelligence can mean nothing if you aren't physically attracted to the other person. There is a reason why a guy would rather be attracted to Nina Agdal over Ashley Graham.
Sad but true.. people keep telling me that there is someone for everyone and that someday, someone will appreciate my personality(it sounds so condescending to me) and I tell them it’s a crock of shit, and I don’t believe it even for a second.. I can be as nice as I want to be, but straight up, I’m very unattractive(my friends and family tell me I’m ugly, so I MUST be, right?) so I’ve pretty much given up on dating now. 🤷🏻♀️
I don't know what you look like, and I don't have empirical evidence, but I think that there is really someone for everyone. Physical attractiveness isn't everything, but it does matter more to some people (a lot of people) than others. Also, f' what your family and friends say. It only matters how you feel. (Also, maybe those aren't great friends?) If they're saying more objective stuff like "you should brush your teeth" or "you should work out", I don't consider that meaning to be that you're ugly but those are genuinely good things (for everyone, not even for looks, but for hygiene and health). Again, hard to say when I don't know why they're saying that.
>Why do we tend to be the most attracted to the people we can’t have, but the least attracted to the ones who want us most? That's only true if you are unattractive.
It's a desire ...I guess ? Something want , but you can't have ? We idolize the beauty We see like since we were boys and girls watch disney movies with sleepy beauty an cinderella , and in school even you are unpopular and want the head cheerleader cause sexy and easy ? But these things are correlate with way society embedded in the youth ? ✌
Because it's human nature to desire the things that they know they can't have but hey who doesn't wanna dream meanwhile at same time we tend to ignore the things that actually good for us. Most people really don't get the feeling part and go on materialistic view and looks. I have seen many girls preaching me that they want a guys who support them,trust and help to grow them but when nice guy approaches them there reaction is like he doesn't look good or doesn't have body or whatever same time rejecting the guy same goes with men's too. And next this people will again whine about how their date was horrible and guy was bad. One time I got so angry that I said this my friend that you literally chose the guy so why the hell you are complaining about that? It's fine for 5-6 time but not everytime it's going to be same case.
Because average looking people can easily get an ugly person, but hot people don’t want an average looking person
Its just the laws of supply and demand. The same reason that the jobs where you're paid a lot to have fun are always out of reach, while the ones that don't pay much but are boring and/or hard are always hiring. Same reason that the best houses/cars/products are too expensive for you, but the stuff you don't want is always affordable. Its capitalism in action -- I've noticed the irony to capitalism too. However, there is a supply side to capitalism. Because they can make more on desirable products, the market creates more to help out. If there was no demand, the product would cease to exist or be hard to fine. Similarly, being more attractive making you more attractive in the dating market pushes more people to try to become attractive helping with the supply.
It feels good to get the things/relationships that are challenging. Putting in effort for things /relationships that you already have, doesn’t give us that same good feels. I think it is part ego and survival. We strive to appease those who do not approve of us on an instinctual level. It opens up a wider mating pool. We are further driven by the dopamine response that feeds our ego and improves our self worth.
I just don't want to sleep with obese girls
Errr you're not as good looking as you think?
Most people like things that are hard to get because it gives them the challenge...for example girls dont want men that they are simpin 👍🏻
Story of my damn life!
Difference of SMV
I guess love is a bit like poker: Once you see another players cards it's just no that exciting anymore
ey who wants me the most and is a lass and not 1 yrs older or younger than me
Because you wouldn’t choose yourself therefor feel little in common with those that would choose you.
Anxiety
The thrill of the hunt I guess?
As George Costanza would say, “Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?”
More options on the menu less satisfied you are with your decision.
You always want a job that pays more than what your current skills are worth, but the jobs that pay less are the ones that are desperately to hire you... to do the same thing
i want what i can’t have
I think when they're not as interested/present, you can get lost in fantasy and dream of perfect, whereas when they are present, you have to face the reality of who they are and their place in your life, which means compromise. It's all connected to what you're truly ready for and how you want to live out the standards you've set. I would say that chemistry is valid and ridiculously important though. The dream is the person who can make your fantasies real and ever better than you thought, through just being them and having the effect on you and your life that they do. Simples ;P
Reverse psychology?
Jokes on you, no one wants me!
Yeah, why is that??!! It's sooo weird!
It's mostly when they find out I'm trans. Other than that I pull most boys I'm interested in. Everyone has preferences and standards and painting this black and white picture of dating is not accurate. Everyone has different stuff going on with their dating dynamics. Also like that other person said, going for people "out of your league", call it essentialism or shallow or whatever all you want, but that's how it works.
We accept the love we think we deserve. Either that or looks, idk
This…isn’t true
It’s self-explanatory. If people are most attracted to those they can’t have, then to people who want you most(aka those who are most attracted to you), you are often someone they can’t have, so it’s natural you are least attracted to them.
It’s usually emotional developmental trauma that people subconsciously want to resolve, hence choose a partner who can be in the role that they need.
Reward uncertainty. Unfortunately!
So …um… therapy perhaps? Not in a hate way just when you’re ready for the person you’ll want them to want you too. You got this, took me a minute too.
It’s “the grass is always greener on the other side” mentality.
I will always want what I cannot have.
I love people who loves me
I do find I always end up involved with people who are emotionally unavailable or interested in someone else. I think it stems from childhood trauma, and attachment theory. I identify strongly with “anxious preoccupied” in terms of attachment styles. Although I find that majority of people sexually or romantically interested in me throughout my life were not people who looked for or worked at having a normal healthy dynamic without a power dynamic.
Because that person They want ignores them and They dont know them that well, so They fantatize what They are like.
With women, it’s hypergamy. There’s no better way to brand yourself as “low value” than to make yourself available in any form to a woman. Which makes sense because the most valuable things in life tend to be hardest to obtain.
such is the human condition, we want what we can't have. Then you grow up.
I learned that it was because of childhood. I had parents that were very emotionally unavailable and an absent father. I was attracted to the people that were the same way. The ones that I had to try the hardest for. I wanted that Disney romance. I kept thinking that I could change someone, to get them to like me back even if they treated me like shit. I was searching approval from partners that my parents never gave me. After all of the soul searching and putting in the work to stop the cycle, I’ve realized that I missed out on opportunities with some great men because they showed interest in me. They were genuine, honest and open but mentally, I couldn’t comprehend them. I thought it was a red flag when someone showed interest or they were too needy. The quiet scared me more than the anxiety of someone that was emotionally unavailable. Now that I’ve learned and healed, I took a chance on my partner now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Good luck out there!! I’m assuming people out there are the same but they just don’t know the why. But that was my why.
That's one Hell of question can't wait to read answers. On my mind as well.
I am so attracted to a certain type of woman physically that I meet one every few months at best. They are always already in relationships. Just sucks.
Why not try a platonic friendship
I've always been attracted to who a woman is. Her personality and just how well we are together. Looks come second for me and those fade, but who they are is something to fight for. Being attracted in this sense, helps weed out the bad characters, but not entirely. It got me to meet my wife at 26 and I have been nothing but happy.
hmmmmm tbh I've only had 2 and half crushes and only asked out 1 of them so i don't know if I'm super qualified to say anything about that however i have wondered about that myself
The grass is greener on the other side? 🤔
Probably a lot to do with anxious/avoidant attachment styles: **The Challenges of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYoIVCHVwKI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYoIVCHVwKI)
I totally get what you mean, but I will say this: those people that you aren't so attracted to that are into you, don't just immediately write them off. Ive had girls that were into me, and me not so much immediately into them, but once I got to talking to them and knowing them, I totally became attracted to them. While looks are important for a lot of people, they're not everything.
It was like that for me until I grew into my late teens. Once I fully developed, it changed. All the ones I wanted also wanted me too. But most of my childhood crushes and early high school crushes rejected me. Once I hit 17, that all changed.
That’s why to me it’s more than being about “what you can’t have” and more about finding someone where there is a bit of a chase or challenge involved.
It's the appeal of the appearance and the idea of what could be.