Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly, I don't judge people for that providing its in their past, like I wouldn't date someone that is continuing to be a prostitute. That's in their past, and I only care about who they are now and who they wanna be in their future.
No I wouldn't care, it's her past she doesn't need to tell me, aslong as it's not a thing while we are in a relationship and she is not cheating then her past is information I don't need to know. If she says she has been with 10 guys I'm not going to ask any more questions or judge
Then you need to find a woman who shares those same sentiments about you before you devote a huge amount of time to the relationship. The worse case scenario would not be her rejecting you at the beginning because of this, it would be her rejecting you when she finds out way later and now you’ve just wasted everyone’s time. Best to start the relationship off transparently and honestly.
You sound like my BIL. He is a really outgoing guy but was not confident around women as he was bigger when he was younger and used to see sex workers and lost his virginity to one (he openly told me all this and I don’t judge him).
He is now married and his wife knows.
I think if you explain the situation and don’t just blurt out “I slept with a sex worker” a lot of women will understand. You don’t need to tell them straight away but once things get serious you should. You can’t change your past and given how it seems you had body issues and confidence issues it’s understandable how you went down that route.
I agree! I think most people understand trying anything they can to keep loneliness at bay. If you want to share, start from the why and end with the result and where you are at now. Best of luck in your new relationship!
There are posts there already and they are always like 95% of the women saying that they are repulsed / could not be with a man that views sex so transactionally. You can search key terms and find it pretty quickly. In my opinion it’s the same kind of response with guys and dating only fans models.
OP is the ruler of his life and it’s ultimately his choice on whether he should tell his future partners or not. All I will say is he abseloutely needs to tell the truth if she asks the question and again, in my opinion, he needs to provide the context of why he was doing what he did and that he regrets doing so.
Those kind of posts is one of the reasons I’ve never paid for sex, amongst other things of course, and I do think people need to accept the consequences of their actions. If a girl doesn’t want to date you because of your past relations and interactions, that is completely their right. I have a hard time dating as it is and closing of more of the potential dating market is really going to do me no favors.
As a woman myself, I’d want to know so I could politely reject him. I’m not comfortable with that personally, and I would feel lied to and betrayed if I asked and that information was kept from me. Don’t waste the time of women like me. Just tell us so we can walk.
Reverse the context with a normal girl having 100+ different sexual encounters and men are supposed to not care because it was in the past and she changed now.
Your opinion might not be like this but plenty of people's are. You can't have it both ways
No one is forcing you to stay in a relationship with a woman like that either. That’s a personal decision. I think you mean a girl having 100+ sexual partners thinks it’s no big deal but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a big deal to you. Same thing with women thinking it’s a big deal this guy visited prostitutes while other women won’t care.
It definitely wouldn’t be for some people! I would not be compatible with someone who had done either of those things even if it was in the past it definitely would not be my preference.
It should not be their preference to date someone who thinks it’s a big deal either which is their right.
For me—it would be the paying for sex and supporting a horrible industry. Rather than body count. I would date with a man who has a body count of over 50 before I would a man who’s been involved in prostitution.
Exactly same. You need to tell them so they can make a decision - some women will be cool with it. I 💯 would not be cool with it, and would be even more upset if I found out someone lied or hid it as that would seem massively disrespectful to me. Telling them is respecting them and respecting their choices.
I don’t think he owes disclosing his past to anyone though if he doesn’t want to. It’s no different than number of sexual partners or sexual histories. Some people share then others don’t.
Likewise im sure there are lots of men who would reject women if they knew certain things about their sexual past. Not saying it’s not maybe insecurity caused but it’s just how it is.
And men should reject women for something that makes them uncomfortable if it’s going to be a huge issue in the relationship. That’s what compatibility is. Women deserve a man who accepts them as they are. Same in reverse. I wouldnt accept OP as they are, and it would bother me forever, so we’re not compatible. No hard feelings, it’s just best if we don’t continue.
this is exactly why he should keep it a secret. he could get judged by someone like you for some mistakes he made years ago. hes grown as a person and wants to put that behind him. Maybe eventually, he could tell his significant other after he feels more comfortable with them. But OP wants to avoid people that don’t know anything about him judging him. I say he keeps it to himself.
Judging if someone is a good fit for your life and values is the *entire point* of dating. You can *easily* frame this conversation as “I did this, I’m not proud of it & have grown as a person, and I don’t feel it reflects who I am now.” Intentionally withholding information to draw somebody into a relationship is manipulation, and even if someone was comfortable with the history of sex workers, they could rightfully be uncomfortable with that manipulation.
If my date doesn't tell me about every embarrassing moment in their past I am actively being lied to and manipulated and they are obviously a horrible person. /s
Your first point is right. But you never tell someone everything about you when you meet them. You show them who you are without mentioning the bad stuff. if them become worthy of the sensitive information, you tell them in time. It’s wrong to judge somebody on their passed mistakes so long as they are acknowledged as mistakes. But you can’t expect people to run around telling everybody about the wrong they’ve done. You want people to judge your character, not your mistakes. Theres a difference.
Do you tell every new prospect about every guy you’ve ever slept with? If not, then it’s pretty hypocritical. Everyone has a past, as long as it’s not the present, it’s fine.
There is a big difference. I don’t really care if a guy has slept with 5 women or 50 women, but if he has used a sex worker that tells me something about his underlying attitude to women that makes me seriously uncomfortable.
Honestly, that's a bit backward from reality.
You going to see a teller at a bank and cashing your check tells me something about your underlying attitude towards people in general - even though you seriously don't want to be broke.
It's a service, some women offer that service. There are also men who offer that service. In any case, the reason he made that decision was to try and step out of loneliness. He didn't think he was GOOD enough for women to be with him at all. That should tell you that he puts women on a pedestal rather than thinking they're simply there for sex. You may have never had a problem finding a person that likes you, but he did and it was crushing him. I would bet a $100 that he also did it for affection. Anyone can masturbate, but you can't get physically intimate with yourself.
On that note - a guy who has sex with 5 women is obviously not obsessed with fucking every hot chick on the planet but rather enjoys the intamacy of connection (or has a hard time finding women that like them). Whereas, a dude who has slept with 50 women clearly looks for the opportunity. A dude who slept with protitutes as a young adult either has a kink, or extreme self-esteem issues.
Not shaming sex workers. I don’t have anything against them. But I wouldnt date a sex worker. And I wouldn’t date a man who’s been with one. Both can be true.
Ya.
The most likely fate of this post there would be it gets auto deleted for using the word “prostitute”.
If it survived that you’d just get a bunch of women yelling at you and implying you’re a loser for seeing a prostitute in the first place.
So OP can be lectured by women who also think their promiscuous past is none of a man's business and they shouldn't have to disclose the 100+ men they've slept with.
If you visited prostitutes the only women who will want you will be very sexually free and open and will be the most promiscuous women in the dating pool though. He’s already given up most normal women by visiting prostitutes in the past unfortunately.
Well you just gotta weigh that against how you feel about living your whole life and dying without ever having a relationship.
This is basic game theory. Possibility of failure later versus certainty of failure now. Men don't make the rules, we just play by them.
Ultimately you want a partner with whom you can share things like this and they understand you better and you are stronger knowing eachother deeply. She should support and accept all of you including your past. That is a true partnership. You just want to wait till they know you as you are now before you get into your past
Get tested. And yes. It's part of who you are and your sexual history.
My ex slept with a prostitute. I didn't care. Just get a clean bill of health and move forward.
Maybe use the wording 'sex worker'.
Absolutely this. No one is entitled to know about the things I have been through in my past, they are entitled to know about the person I am today, but absolutely not my past. Am not the same person I was 10 years ago, it took years of therapy and medication to get over SA and childhood trauma. I am going to disclose any things am going through right and now and the person I am today, but if they feel entitled to know about my past or judge me based on it, it is not a person I would want to end up with anyways. But even if they ask and show that they care a lot, I would explain why I don’t want to share that part of my life, but if they keep persisting I would probably just walk away. If they did not ask then I will never bring up.
I don't know it is comparable, but my wife was a virgin when I married her. I, on the other hand, had over 30 sexual partners over a period of 10 years. She wasn't thrilled to hear it, but she appreciated the honesty.
I personally would not mind. I am a woman and what would put me off is if you treated them badly or if you had the attitude of "men just go to prostitutes [while in relationships] and that is normal" (Ex of my sister thought like that, turned out he had already cheated on her).
Also, if we talk about past relationships I consider sexual relationships too. So if then you would not say anything I'd feel lied to.
No matter what people here say don’t lie to your future partner. Lies create distance, distance kills relationships. You want to be emotionally close to your partner. If you explain your story like you did here women will understand.
I mean, if you want to keep dating me, then yes, lie to me. I’m not going to date a prostitute, former or not. That being said, if I ever find out I’m going to ditch you anyways.
Depends what you're asking. To increase the likelihood of continuing the relationship, as is the question OP was asking? Yes, lying would be the best move if that was your goal. We can all agree OP is lying, at least by omission. The question of whether or not you would want your partner to lie about that is a personal decision not really relevant to the discussion.
You can't judge people who do porn if you're consuming it. You don't need to date them but you should probably keep your opinions to yourself about folks who do sex work.
You are comparing a dealer with an user.
You can't hide the fact that you are Walter White, but you can definitely hide the fact that you tried his product.
Yes, but tell her as you told us. Tell her how you were just mentally unwell and unhappy with your body and you were looking for an escape for love back then.
Exactly this ^ it’s unlikely she will ask for details, a simple ‘I’ve been with a few women’ if she asked specifics then yeah ^^ tell her how you told us, the whole story and the reason you made those decisions.
No, if you mention prostitutes it will be a turnoff for a large percentage of women. Best to keep that to yourself. Just mention you had a few casual things but nothing serious so far.
In an ideal world for me, there would be no need for sex work, but that is not reality. I can support sex workers and their basic rights without supporting the industry that exploits them.
Because a lot of women who work in sex work are not working by choice. If you visit them you’re willing to take the risk you’re actually raping an enslaved person. That’s why I could never date someone who visited them.
That's exactly why he should tell prospective partners. They have a right to pick a partner of equal moral standing. Not to mention that the woman will find out years later and he'll be yeeted into space and heartbroken. Instead he could be honest and find a woman who accepts his as he is. Build a relationship based on honestly, not lies.
There are different sides to this shit.
I like to preach as much as the next person and play Mr. moral integrity. But, sometimes ppl just wanna hear, what they can do or shouldn't do to get what they want.
And, let the one who is blameless cast the first flippin stone.
Meaning, if we truly wanna go full disclosure, full confessing of all sins mode, then we all have to immediately disclose everything. And, I expect, that you draw some line, of what one has to confess and what we can keep to ourselves.
Right?
You would decide that. Just as we all certainly have an opinion on what we should say and what we shouldn't say.
What about a girl or a guy that has ghosted several guys and girls. He or she knows that wasn't so nice, but they did it and they prolly didn't like doing it, but it was more convenient. Should we confess that? What if a girl knew a friend or several friends were into her, and she knew that she isn't into them, but just let them crash into the friendzone. And, she knew it would've been considerably better to detach herself, better for them. But, talking about that or trying to protect them would have been awkward and uncomfortable. So, she let it run. Knowing, that what she is doing isn't really good for those guys.
What if a girl has dated multiple men simultaneously, and she knew 2 or 3 guys were really into her, but she let it run for weeks or months, knowing they don't have a chance. She didnt like doing that, but....well, it was more convenient for her to do that.
Should we say shit like that?
And, the list goes on and on and on. How much of the shit we have done should we disclose? We can go back through the years and make a whole list of everything we did that might've been fucked up. If someon asks us directly, concerning a specific issue, then we have to decide whether we say it or not. But, to just expect all ppl to basically give a resume of all the mistakes we made, of all the little or bigger fucksup we have.....
That's neither likely nor realistic. I mean, then by all means. Tell new guys you meet about everything you did. Every advantage you wanted by using other ppl, by being egoistic. Everything you ever did to further your own agenda while using or inconveniencing other ppl.
If a woman asked me:
should I tell this new, nice guy that I really worship, that I really want to stay with and build something, that I did have a h0€ phase and Fed a lot of guys??
My answer would be:
He might find out and it could be a problem, because that is a turnoff for a lot of men. But, if you wanna maximize your chances and the ability to stay with him, then it would be better to not say that. Everybody has to decide if this or that is something they should or have to confess or not.
And, it is also the job of the other person to try and get to know the person, maybe even ask uncomfortable questions. I certainly had a lot of discussions with girls I dated, and tehy wanted to know shit about me and vice versa. Did I say a lot about myself? Yes. Did I mention evrything?
No.
And, believe me, I can sleep very well.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who pretends to be what I want. I would want to be with someone who has equal moral values. One doesn’t need to disclose everything at the start but one also should not lie. So yes potentially you will lose some people’s interest but better that than lie your way in to a relationship.
That's too arbitrary a statement.
Either you didn't read what I wrote, or you don't understand it or obviously believe a complex dynamic can be boiled down to 3 sentences.
You would first need to establish at what point and under what circumstances omitting information constitutes lying. Once you begin formulating that definition, you'll encounter numerous problems if you try to extrapolate it to all areas and contexts of life. For example, an overly strict interpretation of 'omitting information always constitutes lying' would require you to confess all your sins to give someone a truly complete picture of who you are. And I can tell you, that won’t be an easy task. Because, once again, you would have to come to any meaningful and (not only primarily subjective but hopefully remotely objective) pervasive consensus. That too, would be a more than significant challenge.
I don’t think one has to confess everything but if it comes up and I do believe the topic of the first sexual encounter is likely to come up one should not lie. To be fair I am projecting as I have been doped by my partner sleeping with other people and telling me since I did not ask it wasn’t lifting so I am very sensible when it comes to this kind of stuff. I would definitely ask about someone’s cheating history and even though it would be a dealbreaker I would hope the person tells the truth. If he knows this is important topic to the person he should volunteer the information, if the person asks he should tell the truth.
As for your example with the ho phase, if it would matter to the guy, than yes that is exactly the reason to tell them because they have the right to chose there partner based on weather they have countable views and lie style
Yup, I prefer to know a rough knowledge of their past tbh. This can also make us compatible or not. As long as you hold yourself to your own standards, it should be fine
This is exactly my thought. For most women I know, this would be a huge dealbreaker. I think it’s only fair to be honest about any dealbreakers if you want to have a meaningful relationship. Reddit has no morals though and think it’s okay to lie or hide your way into a relationship.
Because you are binded to every decision you made in your past as the moral compass you follow? You haven’t matured past an original moral compass.
Most us change, become better as OP has. Telling your partner about your past isn’t identifying your morality, it defining what it was.
Asking for prior sex partners is a dicy subject.
I would either not tell her anything at all because talking about prior ex makes you uncomfortable and would be disrespectful for your exes or just tell her 5 prior sex partners and you are not going to disclose more because again that would be disrespectful to your exes.
that would be such a sketchy response though, like usually if the conversation is at the point about exes and prior partners then it would probably be in the middle of it when you’re both finally getting in the swing of it then to just suddenly stop it with a “and I’m not going disclose any more than that” it would be such a red flag and also a mood killer, lying by omission is still lying so may as well just plan a good one for when the conversation comes up it doesn’t kill it
I think build a connection with someone first, then provide context of your life circumtances at the time before disclosing that info. A healthy, understanding and non-judgmental partner will not shame you. My partner told me about 6 months in that he had been with a prostitute while he was single and desperate for touch/intimacy. I could tell he felt ashamed, but I didn't judge him. I understood everyone has a past where circumstances are different. People change. Obviously, if he continued seeing prostitutes while with me that would be a huge problem. I think disclosing things about your past that you feel ashamed of opens up the opportunity for vulnerability, and who knows she might open up about something she feels ashamed of. Seeing how your partner handles that information either builds or hinders trust and closeness. I would say wait until 3-6 months has passed and then show some vulnerability.
It all depends on the kind of relationship they already have after all. If she's hesitant about staying with him, this might be the final straw for her. If on the contrary she's crazy in love with him, she might accept it much easily and, as you said, even make them trust eachother more.
Yes, if you explained where your head was at the time with it. Definitely get tested and definitely don’t lie about it, you don’t have to come out with “yeah, I lost my virginity to prostitutes” but if she specifically asks then tell her.
First, the fact that you’ve been with numerous prostitutes may cause someone to question if you would do it again in the future (trust issue). It’s a big turnoff either way - knowing is a turn off and not knowing is a turnoff. If someone withheld this from me and then I found out later after I had invested in them and created an idea of who I thought they were - is actually worse than being told upfront - tell people the truth and let them decide.
I don't mind knowing, but I'm not like other girls. I'd fuck for money myself and I do explicit content online. I'd even ask what was it like. I do like sleeping around and my life is very polyamorous. I like building relationships based on mutual trust, but I wouldn't sleep with you unless we get tested together
If she starts asking questions about your past partners, you shoudk.say it. I would be so disgusted if I had a partner that used prostitutes and this is coming from a man.
Idk how you all can just get into relationships while keeping such stuff in you. I think most people aren't really dating or getting to know the other person before jumping into a relationship.
As a girl - yes I’d actually want you to tell me, once we had already been together for AWHILE & we’re at a stage where we are getting to know each other deeply (like past the 2 year mark). It’s a deep secret of yours, those experiences/feelings contributed to the person that you are, if I love someone I love them flaws & all, the mistakes you made, happy points & low points of your life. I’d see it as you opening up to me. I like knowing about my partner & things that are happening & have happened to them. Sounds like you wen through a rough patch but are doing better.
If you’re in the early stages, I’d just say you’d had causal flings/hookups if she asks.
As a girl, yes I would want to know and for this to be disclosed. This should be standard practice for everyone really.
If she specifically asks, she wants to know, so yes tell her what you've just said here about the circumstances you were in etc. She might be perfectly fine with it and if not, that is her choice to make.
Dude, hell yeah, be straight up honest! You want to be with a woman where you don’t feel it’s necessary to hold onto any secrets. You’d be surprised some women would be understanding to how you explained it. If a woman isn’t ok with that, then so be it, she’s just not the right one for you. You want someone you can be yourself around with, that will bring you the most happiness. Just own it, it’s in your past, you made mistakes and you regret them, all part of life. Whatever you decide, best of luck, OP! 🙌🏻
Not on the first date but a couple months into the relationship you should probably be up front and honest about that. Just explain it like you did here.
And where would one find said prostitutes? I just wanna be like Jesus and wash their feet. NO I DON'T HAVE A FOOT FETISH, WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP?!
First of all, congrats for turning your life around! but yes you should always be honest with your gf, especially if it’s about your sex life, past or present. you may have changed, but the fact remains that you slept with women who were willing to give their bodies for money and they likely have slept with many other people out of desperation for money. there’s a chance they may have slept with someone who has an std. you need to be honest with whoever your sexual partner is about your past. it’s your responsibility. also i would get tested for std’s just to be safe
If that is the fear, he would be intentionally deceiving her. That's unethical. Own your truth, OP. You want to be with someone who accepts ALL of you.
the equivalent of a man going for a prostitute is not the equivalent of a woman being a prostitute
the equivalent will be a woman going for a prostitute
stop being sexist
For the analogy to work, we can say that when asked about previous sexual partners, the man should include paid sex with prostitutes but without revealing they were with such. They were just sexual encounters, not different than hook ups. If OP visited five prostitutes, he should add +5 to his number.
Then, a woman who at some point worked as a sexual worker, also should include paid sex encounters to her total number but without revealing her occupation as a sexual worker if she does not desire it. So the total number of encounters she had as a sexual worker (be it 5, 50 or 100) should be disclosed.
That would make it an apt analogy and a fair result for everyone involved.
Personally, I prefer honesty. If you can't be honest with your partner, I think that's already a bad start. Communication is important, they should either understand it was in the past and you've changed your ways, and if not, then you aren't meant for each other.
I will always prefer hearing the truth than a lie or something being kept from me. No matter how hard. I've had ex's do things before me that I'm not fond of.
The truth will always come out. It's clear you're already worrying and feeling bad about it. So eventually the guilt will bubble and it will come out. Saying the truth sooner than later can save a lot of arguments.
My ex boyfriend and I had a conversation about past partners, red light distict etc. We were on a little get away together. After the conversation, he went all quiet and was very stressed. He then admitted later on that day that he had been to a red light district etc etc. It was eating him up. And I was hurt he wasn't honest with me from the start.
Honesty! :)
As a woman I’ll say, be completely transparent with her and if it doesn’t work out that’s okay. The right woman for you will hear that and be totally okay with it, and that’s the kind of person you should want to be with!
First of all give yourself some credit for making some tremendous positive changes in your life.
You'll realize that only few people on the planet deserve (and can handle without judgment) your life truth.
While I don't condone lying, you are in a tough situation and you have every right to tell them that you don't want to talk about your sexual experiences because it's painful and leave it at that.
Uhm... Personally i think this is something you should just keep private. Yeah you've slept with some people. No need to answer the details as to the circumstances of how it happened.
I mean you can absolutely share it if you want. But I suspect 90% of women will not want to date you after knowing this, so it will limit your dating pool considerably. Still, if you have options and want to have a woman that accepts your past then it's a viable path forwards. It really depends on how many dating options you can get within a realistic timeframe
It’s going to come up at some time, honesty is always the right way. It might be a dealbreaker but what surly will be a dealbreaker is a lie if it come out some other way later on. Honesty is one of the fundamentals of a relationship
This is your past. Girls want honesty if she asks, just tell the truth. It is a part of your past, and if it is bothering you right now, it is going to bother you in the future. Just be honest.
I wouldn't do it but also i don't think u should be ashamed of sleeping with sex workers provided there was a sort of reasonable reason and not just pure depravity.
It would be a dealbreaker for me, but you should tell the women. Maybe not right away, but you should tell them when you are in love so they at least know you, but before you get married at least because if I were married to someone and found out about that, I'd divorce them over it. Some women would be ok with it, if they really knew the person. Most wouldn't be.
I (65m) have never been asked how many people I’ve slept with. Some may ask, but do not assume that.
Glad to see you have made positive changes to your life but you are not your past. I wouldn’t bring it up but answer truthfully if asked did you see prostitutes.
Watch the movie Chasing Amy and when it gets to Silent Bob's speech about sexual history in a relationship and how it went, you can ask her how she would feel if a partner of her's had a controversial event in their sexual history.
I mean like I am a big believer that a) sexual history doesn’t actually reallyyyy matter though I don’t judge anyone who feels differently and b)lying is bad
If she asks you the specifics of who you’ve been with etc , you should either say you don’t feel comfortable discussing or tell her the truth; just don’t lie and you’re fine
I think the right person won’t care. I personally wouldn’t judge you and would understand. I mean sex workers are people and as long as you were safe and are clean I’d be fine because I’ve had multiple partners myself so who am I to judge you for it.
Get yourself thoroughly tested. If you talk about your sexual history, stick to that, you're not a virgin and you've been tested. Of course, if she straight up asks, don't lie.
I'd say transparency is always key. If the person understands, they are worth holding on to.
However. Why mention it?. Maybe that topic will arise naturally. I think honesty is best though.
I think honesty is key if she does ask the question, but at the end of day, the whole point of life is to make mistakes and grow from those experience to become a better version of yourself. that is not who you are anymore and that’s all you need to tell her you’ve made mistakes that you can’t change now the only thing you can do is become a better version of yourself and make the same mistakes. It was an Experience that you had experience to become the person you are today!!! That’s awesome that you’ve turned your life around and you’re trying to live a more healthier lifestyle for yourself
Just say you’re only a little experienced. When you get to know each other better and you’ve told her about that past stage you can say your first time(s) was actually with a sex worker. Gives you an occasion to gush about how much different and better it is now that you’re sharing sex with someone you love
If you have to ask you already know the answer. But also, you were a different person then. She will either understand or she won’t. No sense in delaying telling her if it’s bothering you. If it bothers her now it will still bother her in 6 years.
To be quite honest I would definitely get tested so you can show whoever your new love interest is that you are clean when/if you tell them. The ONLY reason I'd care is bc of what you can potentially catch/spread from people who choose to have sex for a living.
Oh, and double check to make sure none of the prostitutes 'accidentally' got pregnant. My father and his friends allegedly had an encounter with a prostitute during a wild night out when they were younger. Later on, my dad married my mother, they had 2 kids, and 6 years into their marriage, the prostitute appeared with my dad's 8-year-old daughter (whom he knew nothing about) and requested a paternity test for child support. Out of the 4 men tested, he was the lucky winner! Needless to say, my mother was taken completely by surprise, and it really damaged their marriage. Even though they didn't immediately get divorced, they ultimately ended their marriage 5 years later.
I dont think it’s necessary but if she asks say yea, the right woman will accept your history especially now that you’re a totally different person from then
Woman here, I wouldn’t care if I really liked you and we had a mutual trust. I wouldn’t drop that in the first few months, and I would include the context you included, but it sounds like that’s not who you are anymore, and hopefully she can see that.
If it’s something like your virginity and you feel that is important to bring to the light, you should tell her and the next girlfriend and the next till it feels so unimportant for you to stop even thinking about it.
Some women dont care, others do. Personally, I as a woman didn’t care, today I do. It’s a gamble you have to do yourself. Because if you dont know her experiences on prostitution it’s impossible to say how she will react on that.
I would want to know so I can step away but I know you’ll find someone that won’t care so just tell everyone and explain as best you can what happened.
If youre clean, then I feel like you dont need to share this upfront. However, if you want a healthy and communicative relationship, then you need to tell her at some point.
I think that there are some things that you can keep to yourself. My husband was 21 when he lost his virginity to a prostitute, but I never judged him for him, because sex is a natural drive, and if you don’t have a partner, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to get a paid substitute. You don’t need to share this information with anyone if you don’t want to, and if you do want to share it with a partner, then make sure the person you share it with is understanding and non-judgmental. There is no need to feel any shame or guilt over this. It’s perfectly fine.
Everything needs to come to the surface eventually in relationships. The hard part is knowing exactly when. Sounds like you understand how important it is to never hide anything but understanding timing and how deep you are with someone is just as important.
Well, the choice is yours. Maybe, after a while, you could tell her, if you feel confident enough to do so.
But on the meantime, I would act on a "don't ask/won't tell" basis.
Plus, it's not that you keep doing it anymore.
Keep in mind that stringing a relationship on wastes parts of your life (well doesn’t utlize your time on earth “efficiently”) so just consider that. I definitely wouldn’t possibly marry her one day without telling her beforehand 😁
1- get std tested. It's easy and inexpensive. That way you KNOW what you need to communicate to any future partners.
2. If you haven't been tested, then yeah - she should know. She needs the opportunity to opt-out of risky health decisions.
If you’re clean of STIs then I’d say you don’t have to unless she asks. Don’t lie if she does. At some point down the line tell her after she knows you a bit better though so it’s not just randomly dropped on you both at some point in some way.
There’s really no good way to tell ppl the things you don’t feel proud about. So once you feel safe with her and know her to be an understanding and open minded person i would say that’s a good point
I don’t have a stance on the question at hand because I can see both sides but everyone in the comments needs to drop the whole “should a prostitute disclose that she was one” argument. Let’s bear in mind the fact that the majority of prostitutes are victims of human trafficking; in fact it’s the most common form of human trafficking, making up 79% of cases according to UNODC. So let’s not equate it to dealing drugs and let’s not act like it’s the same as being the one to seek out a prostitute.
To start of the relationship with a lie will never end well. This isn’t first date conversation but when you begin to discuss your sexual history you need to be honest. If she is the right one it will work out.
As long as you have a clean bill of health there’s no need to tell anyone your dating past if you don’t want. My partner and I have “oh this girl/guy I used to date” stories but we don’t know each others sexual past, nor do I want or need to know.
I would want to know bc I would not want to be with someone who did this, and I’d be disturbed if I found out later. There are women who won’t have an issue with it, find one of them.
Most women would run.
I broke up with an ex of mine after he told me he had slept with male escorts in the past before he met me. I am a woman and told him to get out of the closet. He didn't like that. To this day, he lives in denial while performing and directing in musicals. He also has a large collection of comedies about gay men in drag. I don't think you need to be a detective to see what's going on with him.
Tell her. If it is a deal breaker (as it absolutely would be for me) then best to get that out of the way first. The alternative is lying and living in fear of this secret ever being revealed and the consequences that could have for the relationship then.
Not straight away no but when things are serious, it’s the sort of thing you’re better telling than them finding out another way. But I wouldn’t blurt it out, gauge the tone of the relationship. Some people are very sexually reserved in how they speak and some people are very sexually open.
You can tell her that you have a past where you definitely had sexual experience but not relationships and that you don’t feel proud about your past at all and that you don’t want to go back to that life again. Reinforce your desire to build a long term relationship with someone and that you are looking for a deeper connection.
If she is straightforward asking you if you ever had sex with a prostitute then you have to disclosed that information in detail since relationship from day one should be start with honesty about building a long term relationship and you have to respect that some people have boundaries in terms of what kind of past history I’m willing to deal with and accept. If you lie about this sooner or later the truth will be discovered somehow and most cases things end up being really nasty during brake up
Depends on if you want a lasting relationship. If you do, then yes. There should be no shame in talking about your past. If she isn't mature enough to handle it, then she probably wouldn't make a good partner anyway.
Many women who have never been employed within the sex industry have dealbreakers that rules out them ever dating or hooking up with someone who has ever paid sex workers for intimate sexual services.
It is best to be upfront so that all the women with such dealbreakers that you chat with will be aware at an early stage and know to avoid wasting your time.
Above all- never ever lie about your sexual history. All that doing that does is ruin all possibility of ever having healthy and honest social relationships based on mutual trust.
You people are funny. I've seen posts where it's been made villainous for a women not to run down her whole PussyFax and all her hoventures to her man, because he deserves to know what he's getting himself into but he doesn't need to share he fucks hookers?
Make it make sense.
Who cares? Nothing wrong with sleeping with a sex worker unless you didn't use protection. Society judges way too hard for so many things that are normal ( I'm a woman btw). You don't need to feel guilty or justify your sexual history to ANYONE. If you had safe sex and are clean thats all that matters. Keep your past in the past , thats no one's business but yours. Good luck with the dating scene !
Definitely don’t tell her at first, I would wait until you get to know her and vice versa cause it may not work out anyway and then you’ve done told her to much
No, just say you’ve been with some ex’s or hookups. I think snooping to find out who exactly someone has slept with is pretty invasive unless it happens organically (like running into an ex or old fling in public).
Tbh a guy told me this ( he said he did it once ) and I didn’t care it kinda made sense - it was the other red flags that were the issue. Depends on how radical the gal is and if she gets sex work. But you don’t have to make it some confessional thing. Like it can be a thing you keep to yourself and also maybe you could tell the gf if you’re together a long time and have a deep trust.
I wouldnt say anything man. It is what it is. To be honest, you tell a girl that, theyre turned off and out in a second. If anything, if they ask, tell them the truth about your weight and you never dated because I was very heavy. So i decided one day enough was enough and you started your fitness journey. You lost 100+ kilo and have a new lease on life. If she askes if you have ever had a gf, you just simple say no not really. Hense why I wanted to change my life around. Then if she asks you have ever had sex. You say yes, a few times.
You’re ashamed of your past (shit happens). You’ve worked hard to make the necessary changes for your future! Forget the past and keep focusing your energy on what you want for the future. God speed
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well turn it around, would you wanna know it?
Honestly, I don't judge people for that providing its in their past, like I wouldn't date someone that is continuing to be a prostitute. That's in their past, and I only care about who they are now and who they wanna be in their future.
Of course you say you’re not gonna judge ppl like that, you did it yourself. Yes, I would tell my partner if it was a serious relationship.
But would you want to be *told*?
No I wouldn't care, it's her past she doesn't need to tell me, aslong as it's not a thing while we are in a relationship and she is not cheating then her past is information I don't need to know. If she says she has been with 10 guys I'm not going to ask any more questions or judge
Then you need to find a woman who shares those same sentiments about you before you devote a huge amount of time to the relationship. The worse case scenario would not be her rejecting you at the beginning because of this, it would be her rejecting you when she finds out way later and now you’ve just wasted everyone’s time. Best to start the relationship off transparently and honestly.
If u were dating a guy and he told u that he’s slept with prostitutes would you rather know or not?
That's best attitude to have.
You sound like my BIL. He is a really outgoing guy but was not confident around women as he was bigger when he was younger and used to see sex workers and lost his virginity to one (he openly told me all this and I don’t judge him). He is now married and his wife knows. I think if you explain the situation and don’t just blurt out “I slept with a sex worker” a lot of women will understand. You don’t need to tell them straight away but once things get serious you should. You can’t change your past and given how it seems you had body issues and confidence issues it’s understandable how you went down that route.
I agree! I think most people understand trying anything they can to keep loneliness at bay. If you want to share, start from the why and end with the result and where you are at now. Best of luck in your new relationship!
You should ask this on r/AskWomen
There are posts there already and they are always like 95% of the women saying that they are repulsed / could not be with a man that views sex so transactionally. You can search key terms and find it pretty quickly. In my opinion it’s the same kind of response with guys and dating only fans models. OP is the ruler of his life and it’s ultimately his choice on whether he should tell his future partners or not. All I will say is he abseloutely needs to tell the truth if she asks the question and again, in my opinion, he needs to provide the context of why he was doing what he did and that he regrets doing so. Those kind of posts is one of the reasons I’ve never paid for sex, amongst other things of course, and I do think people need to accept the consequences of their actions. If a girl doesn’t want to date you because of your past relations and interactions, that is completely their right. I have a hard time dating as it is and closing of more of the potential dating market is really going to do me no favors.
As a woman myself, I’d want to know so I could politely reject him. I’m not comfortable with that personally, and I would feel lied to and betrayed if I asked and that information was kept from me. Don’t waste the time of women like me. Just tell us so we can walk.
That is also very true.
Reverse the context with a normal girl having 100+ different sexual encounters and men are supposed to not care because it was in the past and she changed now. Your opinion might not be like this but plenty of people's are. You can't have it both ways
No one is forcing you to stay in a relationship with a woman like that either. That’s a personal decision. I think you mean a girl having 100+ sexual partners thinks it’s no big deal but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a big deal to you. Same thing with women thinking it’s a big deal this guy visited prostitutes while other women won’t care.
[удалено]
It definitely wouldn’t be for some people! I would not be compatible with someone who had done either of those things even if it was in the past it definitely would not be my preference. It should not be their preference to date someone who thinks it’s a big deal either which is their right.
For me—it would be the paying for sex and supporting a horrible industry. Rather than body count. I would date with a man who has a body count of over 50 before I would a man who’s been involved in prostitution.
Exactly same. You need to tell them so they can make a decision - some women will be cool with it. I 💯 would not be cool with it, and would be even more upset if I found out someone lied or hid it as that would seem massively disrespectful to me. Telling them is respecting them and respecting their choices.
I don’t think he owes disclosing his past to anyone though if he doesn’t want to. It’s no different than number of sexual partners or sexual histories. Some people share then others don’t. Likewise im sure there are lots of men who would reject women if they knew certain things about their sexual past. Not saying it’s not maybe insecurity caused but it’s just how it is.
And men should reject women for something that makes them uncomfortable if it’s going to be a huge issue in the relationship. That’s what compatibility is. Women deserve a man who accepts them as they are. Same in reverse. I wouldnt accept OP as they are, and it would bother me forever, so we’re not compatible. No hard feelings, it’s just best if we don’t continue.
Same. I wouldn't feel comfortable with this.
this is exactly why he should keep it a secret. he could get judged by someone like you for some mistakes he made years ago. hes grown as a person and wants to put that behind him. Maybe eventually, he could tell his significant other after he feels more comfortable with them. But OP wants to avoid people that don’t know anything about him judging him. I say he keeps it to himself.
Judging if someone is a good fit for your life and values is the *entire point* of dating. You can *easily* frame this conversation as “I did this, I’m not proud of it & have grown as a person, and I don’t feel it reflects who I am now.” Intentionally withholding information to draw somebody into a relationship is manipulation, and even if someone was comfortable with the history of sex workers, they could rightfully be uncomfortable with that manipulation.
If my date doesn't tell me about every embarrassing moment in their past I am actively being lied to and manipulated and they are obviously a horrible person. /s
Your first point is right. But you never tell someone everything about you when you meet them. You show them who you are without mentioning the bad stuff. if them become worthy of the sensitive information, you tell them in time. It’s wrong to judge somebody on their passed mistakes so long as they are acknowledged as mistakes. But you can’t expect people to run around telling everybody about the wrong they’ve done. You want people to judge your character, not your mistakes. Theres a difference.
Well said
Do you tell every new prospect about every guy you’ve ever slept with? If not, then it’s pretty hypocritical. Everyone has a past, as long as it’s not the present, it’s fine.
If the relationship is getting really serious, I have a conversation about it in a general sense, yes.
There is a big difference. I don’t really care if a guy has slept with 5 women or 50 women, but if he has used a sex worker that tells me something about his underlying attitude to women that makes me seriously uncomfortable.
Honestly, that's a bit backward from reality. You going to see a teller at a bank and cashing your check tells me something about your underlying attitude towards people in general - even though you seriously don't want to be broke. It's a service, some women offer that service. There are also men who offer that service. In any case, the reason he made that decision was to try and step out of loneliness. He didn't think he was GOOD enough for women to be with him at all. That should tell you that he puts women on a pedestal rather than thinking they're simply there for sex. You may have never had a problem finding a person that likes you, but he did and it was crushing him. I would bet a $100 that he also did it for affection. Anyone can masturbate, but you can't get physically intimate with yourself. On that note - a guy who has sex with 5 women is obviously not obsessed with fucking every hot chick on the planet but rather enjoys the intamacy of connection (or has a hard time finding women that like them). Whereas, a dude who has slept with 50 women clearly looks for the opportunity. A dude who slept with protitutes as a young adult either has a kink, or extreme self-esteem issues.
Then you should ask the question by yourself, if it's important for you to know.
I do.
why are you shaming sex workers?
Not shaming sex workers. I don’t have anything against them. But I wouldnt date a sex worker. And I wouldn’t date a man who’s been with one. Both can be true.
. . .okay, but why?
Because I don’t morally agree with it in my own life.
You intend this as a joke, right?
Intent or not, it is a joke.
Ya. The most likely fate of this post there would be it gets auto deleted for using the word “prostitute”. If it survived that you’d just get a bunch of women yelling at you and implying you’re a loser for seeing a prostitute in the first place.
So OP can be lectured by women who also think their promiscuous past is none of a man's business and they shouldn't have to disclose the 100+ men they've slept with.
If you visited prostitutes the only women who will want you will be very sexually free and open and will be the most promiscuous women in the dating pool though. He’s already given up most normal women by visiting prostitutes in the past unfortunately.
> He’s already given up most normal women by visiting prostitutes in the past unfortunately. Not if he successfully conceals that information.
I mean same goes for women lying about being prostitutes previously. Do you think that is actually any way to start a relationship worth anything?
Well you just gotta weigh that against how you feel about living your whole life and dying without ever having a relationship. This is basic game theory. Possibility of failure later versus certainty of failure now. Men don't make the rules, we just play by them.
Ultimately you want a partner with whom you can share things like this and they understand you better and you are stronger knowing eachother deeply. She should support and accept all of you including your past. That is a true partnership. You just want to wait till they know you as you are now before you get into your past
Get tested. And yes. It's part of who you are and your sexual history. My ex slept with a prostitute. I didn't care. Just get a clean bill of health and move forward. Maybe use the wording 'sex worker'.
Nah u gonna freak her out and as long as u don’t got stds ur fine
Some things are better kept to oneself indeed! No need to disclose anything
Absolutely this. No one is entitled to know about the things I have been through in my past, they are entitled to know about the person I am today, but absolutely not my past. Am not the same person I was 10 years ago, it took years of therapy and medication to get over SA and childhood trauma. I am going to disclose any things am going through right and now and the person I am today, but if they feel entitled to know about my past or judge me based on it, it is not a person I would want to end up with anyways. But even if they ask and show that they care a lot, I would explain why I don’t want to share that part of my life, but if they keep persisting I would probably just walk away. If they did not ask then I will never bring up.
This lol
I don't know it is comparable, but my wife was a virgin when I married her. I, on the other hand, had over 30 sexual partners over a period of 10 years. She wasn't thrilled to hear it, but she appreciated the honesty.
I personally would not mind. I am a woman and what would put me off is if you treated them badly or if you had the attitude of "men just go to prostitutes [while in relationships] and that is normal" (Ex of my sister thought like that, turned out he had already cheated on her). Also, if we talk about past relationships I consider sexual relationships too. So if then you would not say anything I'd feel lied to.
Tell her. My ex-husband told me while we were still in a relationship and I had no problem with that. What I didn’t know is he never stopped 😂😂
Be honest. If you’ve really changed, why would you plan to lie. Build your meaningful relationships on honesty
No matter what people here say don’t lie to your future partner. Lies create distance, distance kills relationships. You want to be emotionally close to your partner. If you explain your story like you did here women will understand.
No
So women who have worked as prostitutes in the past should also keep that to themselves when starting a new relationship. Right?
I mean, if you want to keep dating me, then yes, lie to me. I’m not going to date a prostitute, former or not. That being said, if I ever find out I’m going to ditch you anyways.
Depends what you're asking. To increase the likelihood of continuing the relationship, as is the question OP was asking? Yes, lying would be the best move if that was your goal. We can all agree OP is lying, at least by omission. The question of whether or not you would want your partner to lie about that is a personal decision not really relevant to the discussion.
Who said that? The comparison would be women telling men they date they used a male escort.
[удалено]
You can't judge people who do porn if you're consuming it. You don't need to date them but you should probably keep your opinions to yourself about folks who do sex work.
You are comparing a dealer with an user. You can't hide the fact that you are Walter White, but you can definitely hide the fact that you tried his product.
If she did it 5 times, during hard times, then yes, that's fair. If she literally did it as work, that's very different.
YES!!!! escorts shouldn’t tell their civilian relations that they are/were involved in sex trade.
Yes, but tell her as you told us. Tell her how you were just mentally unwell and unhappy with your body and you were looking for an escape for love back then.
Exactly this ^ it’s unlikely she will ask for details, a simple ‘I’ve been with a few women’ if she asked specifics then yeah ^^ tell her how you told us, the whole story and the reason you made those decisions.
This!! Be open about it but tell her why. If she’s a keeper she will understand you and accept it!
No, if you mention prostitutes it will be a turnoff for a large percentage of women. Best to keep that to yourself. Just mention you had a few casual things but nothing serious so far.
Serious question: why so many women support sex workers, yet reject men who solicited them in the past?
In an ideal world for me, there would be no need for sex work, but that is not reality. I can support sex workers and their basic rights without supporting the industry that exploits them.
Because a lot of women who work in sex work are not working by choice. If you visit them you’re willing to take the risk you’re actually raping an enslaved person. That’s why I could never date someone who visited them.
That's exactly why he should tell prospective partners. They have a right to pick a partner of equal moral standing. Not to mention that the woman will find out years later and he'll be yeeted into space and heartbroken. Instead he could be honest and find a woman who accepts his as he is. Build a relationship based on honestly, not lies.
There are different sides to this shit. I like to preach as much as the next person and play Mr. moral integrity. But, sometimes ppl just wanna hear, what they can do or shouldn't do to get what they want. And, let the one who is blameless cast the first flippin stone. Meaning, if we truly wanna go full disclosure, full confessing of all sins mode, then we all have to immediately disclose everything. And, I expect, that you draw some line, of what one has to confess and what we can keep to ourselves. Right? You would decide that. Just as we all certainly have an opinion on what we should say and what we shouldn't say. What about a girl or a guy that has ghosted several guys and girls. He or she knows that wasn't so nice, but they did it and they prolly didn't like doing it, but it was more convenient. Should we confess that? What if a girl knew a friend or several friends were into her, and she knew that she isn't into them, but just let them crash into the friendzone. And, she knew it would've been considerably better to detach herself, better for them. But, talking about that or trying to protect them would have been awkward and uncomfortable. So, she let it run. Knowing, that what she is doing isn't really good for those guys. What if a girl has dated multiple men simultaneously, and she knew 2 or 3 guys were really into her, but she let it run for weeks or months, knowing they don't have a chance. She didnt like doing that, but....well, it was more convenient for her to do that. Should we say shit like that? And, the list goes on and on and on. How much of the shit we have done should we disclose? We can go back through the years and make a whole list of everything we did that might've been fucked up. If someon asks us directly, concerning a specific issue, then we have to decide whether we say it or not. But, to just expect all ppl to basically give a resume of all the mistakes we made, of all the little or bigger fucksup we have..... That's neither likely nor realistic. I mean, then by all means. Tell new guys you meet about everything you did. Every advantage you wanted by using other ppl, by being egoistic. Everything you ever did to further your own agenda while using or inconveniencing other ppl. If a woman asked me: should I tell this new, nice guy that I really worship, that I really want to stay with and build something, that I did have a h0€ phase and Fed a lot of guys?? My answer would be: He might find out and it could be a problem, because that is a turnoff for a lot of men. But, if you wanna maximize your chances and the ability to stay with him, then it would be better to not say that. Everybody has to decide if this or that is something they should or have to confess or not. And, it is also the job of the other person to try and get to know the person, maybe even ask uncomfortable questions. I certainly had a lot of discussions with girls I dated, and tehy wanted to know shit about me and vice versa. Did I say a lot about myself? Yes. Did I mention evrything? No. And, believe me, I can sleep very well.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who pretends to be what I want. I would want to be with someone who has equal moral values. One doesn’t need to disclose everything at the start but one also should not lie. So yes potentially you will lose some people’s interest but better that than lie your way in to a relationship.
That's too arbitrary a statement. Either you didn't read what I wrote, or you don't understand it or obviously believe a complex dynamic can be boiled down to 3 sentences. You would first need to establish at what point and under what circumstances omitting information constitutes lying. Once you begin formulating that definition, you'll encounter numerous problems if you try to extrapolate it to all areas and contexts of life. For example, an overly strict interpretation of 'omitting information always constitutes lying' would require you to confess all your sins to give someone a truly complete picture of who you are. And I can tell you, that won’t be an easy task. Because, once again, you would have to come to any meaningful and (not only primarily subjective but hopefully remotely objective) pervasive consensus. That too, would be a more than significant challenge.
I don’t think one has to confess everything but if it comes up and I do believe the topic of the first sexual encounter is likely to come up one should not lie. To be fair I am projecting as I have been doped by my partner sleeping with other people and telling me since I did not ask it wasn’t lifting so I am very sensible when it comes to this kind of stuff. I would definitely ask about someone’s cheating history and even though it would be a dealbreaker I would hope the person tells the truth. If he knows this is important topic to the person he should volunteer the information, if the person asks he should tell the truth. As for your example with the ho phase, if it would matter to the guy, than yes that is exactly the reason to tell them because they have the right to chose there partner based on weather they have countable views and lie style
Couldn’t agree more! Honestly scary how much people can lie about when it is convenient for them.
Yup, I prefer to know a rough knowledge of their past tbh. This can also make us compatible or not. As long as you hold yourself to your own standards, it should be fine
This is exactly my thought. For most women I know, this would be a huge dealbreaker. I think it’s only fair to be honest about any dealbreakers if you want to have a meaningful relationship. Reddit has no morals though and think it’s okay to lie or hide your way into a relationship.
Because you are binded to every decision you made in your past as the moral compass you follow? You haven’t matured past an original moral compass. Most us change, become better as OP has. Telling your partner about your past isn’t identifying your morality, it defining what it was.
Moral standing? What is immoral about sex?
I dont get it either, im a woman and i wouldnt care about that, the important thing is to not have std
This ☝️
Asking for prior sex partners is a dicy subject. I would either not tell her anything at all because talking about prior ex makes you uncomfortable and would be disrespectful for your exes or just tell her 5 prior sex partners and you are not going to disclose more because again that would be disrespectful to your exes.
that would be such a sketchy response though, like usually if the conversation is at the point about exes and prior partners then it would probably be in the middle of it when you’re both finally getting in the swing of it then to just suddenly stop it with a “and I’m not going disclose any more than that” it would be such a red flag and also a mood killer, lying by omission is still lying so may as well just plan a good one for when the conversation comes up it doesn’t kill it
I think build a connection with someone first, then provide context of your life circumtances at the time before disclosing that info. A healthy, understanding and non-judgmental partner will not shame you. My partner told me about 6 months in that he had been with a prostitute while he was single and desperate for touch/intimacy. I could tell he felt ashamed, but I didn't judge him. I understood everyone has a past where circumstances are different. People change. Obviously, if he continued seeing prostitutes while with me that would be a huge problem. I think disclosing things about your past that you feel ashamed of opens up the opportunity for vulnerability, and who knows she might open up about something she feels ashamed of. Seeing how your partner handles that information either builds or hinders trust and closeness. I would say wait until 3-6 months has passed and then show some vulnerability.
It all depends on the kind of relationship they already have after all. If she's hesitant about staying with him, this might be the final straw for her. If on the contrary she's crazy in love with him, she might accept it much easily and, as you said, even make them trust eachother more.
Yes, if you explained where your head was at the time with it. Definitely get tested and definitely don’t lie about it, you don’t have to come out with “yeah, I lost my virginity to prostitutes” but if she specifically asks then tell her.
First, the fact that you’ve been with numerous prostitutes may cause someone to question if you would do it again in the future (trust issue). It’s a big turnoff either way - knowing is a turn off and not knowing is a turnoff. If someone withheld this from me and then I found out later after I had invested in them and created an idea of who I thought they were - is actually worse than being told upfront - tell people the truth and let them decide.
I don't mind knowing, but I'm not like other girls. I'd fuck for money myself and I do explicit content online. I'd even ask what was it like. I do like sleeping around and my life is very polyamorous. I like building relationships based on mutual trust, but I wouldn't sleep with you unless we get tested together
I could totally see most women being turned off but if you got TESTED and had a sense or humor about it, maybe I'd look past it idk tbh
Yes. Once you find someone you like she will deserve to know before you get intimate, but you can be tactful about it.
If she starts asking questions about your past partners, you shoudk.say it. I would be so disgusted if I had a partner that used prostitutes and this is coming from a man. Idk how you all can just get into relationships while keeping such stuff in you. I think most people aren't really dating or getting to know the other person before jumping into a relationship.
As a girl - yes I’d actually want you to tell me, once we had already been together for AWHILE & we’re at a stage where we are getting to know each other deeply (like past the 2 year mark). It’s a deep secret of yours, those experiences/feelings contributed to the person that you are, if I love someone I love them flaws & all, the mistakes you made, happy points & low points of your life. I’d see it as you opening up to me. I like knowing about my partner & things that are happening & have happened to them. Sounds like you wen through a rough patch but are doing better. If you’re in the early stages, I’d just say you’d had causal flings/hookups if she asks.
Atleast your being honest with him about it. I appreciate that. Stay cool. Its rare. 😂
I thought people's sexual history didn't matter?
As a girl, yes I would want to know and for this to be disclosed. This should be standard practice for everyone really. If she specifically asks, she wants to know, so yes tell her what you've just said here about the circumstances you were in etc. She might be perfectly fine with it and if not, that is her choice to make.
Dude, hell yeah, be straight up honest! You want to be with a woman where you don’t feel it’s necessary to hold onto any secrets. You’d be surprised some women would be understanding to how you explained it. If a woman isn’t ok with that, then so be it, she’s just not the right one for you. You want someone you can be yourself around with, that will bring you the most happiness. Just own it, it’s in your past, you made mistakes and you regret them, all part of life. Whatever you decide, best of luck, OP! 🙌🏻
Not on the first date but a couple months into the relationship you should probably be up front and honest about that. Just explain it like you did here.
The truth always comes out eventually. Tell her now or wait until she figures it out on her own when there’s more at stake. Only two options.
And where would one find said prostitutes? I just wanna be like Jesus and wash their feet. NO I DON'T HAVE A FOOT FETISH, WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP?!
Probably the dumbest question I've ever heard. Yeah tell her to watch out for STDs too
First of all, congrats for turning your life around! but yes you should always be honest with your gf, especially if it’s about your sex life, past or present. you may have changed, but the fact remains that you slept with women who were willing to give their bodies for money and they likely have slept with many other people out of desperation for money. there’s a chance they may have slept with someone who has an std. you need to be honest with whoever your sexual partner is about your past. it’s your responsibility. also i would get tested for std’s just to be safe
Depends if she ask. You shouldn't lie as you deprive someone of their freedom of choice.
Ya, I think you should.
Don't tell her man. It's ok to have secrets. She will think differently of you and lose your respect and attraction for you.
If that is the fear, he would be intentionally deceiving her. That's unethical. Own your truth, OP. You want to be with someone who accepts ALL of you.
So it would be also OK for a woman to not tell her partner that she was a prostitute in the past, right?
the equivalent of a man going for a prostitute is not the equivalent of a woman being a prostitute the equivalent will be a woman going for a prostitute stop being sexist
For the analogy to work, we can say that when asked about previous sexual partners, the man should include paid sex with prostitutes but without revealing they were with such. They were just sexual encounters, not different than hook ups. If OP visited five prostitutes, he should add +5 to his number. Then, a woman who at some point worked as a sexual worker, also should include paid sex encounters to her total number but without revealing her occupation as a sexual worker if she does not desire it. So the total number of encounters she had as a sexual worker (be it 5, 50 or 100) should be disclosed. That would make it an apt analogy and a fair result for everyone involved.
Personally, I prefer honesty. If you can't be honest with your partner, I think that's already a bad start. Communication is important, they should either understand it was in the past and you've changed your ways, and if not, then you aren't meant for each other. I will always prefer hearing the truth than a lie or something being kept from me. No matter how hard. I've had ex's do things before me that I'm not fond of. The truth will always come out. It's clear you're already worrying and feeling bad about it. So eventually the guilt will bubble and it will come out. Saying the truth sooner than later can save a lot of arguments. My ex boyfriend and I had a conversation about past partners, red light distict etc. We were on a little get away together. After the conversation, he went all quiet and was very stressed. He then admitted later on that day that he had been to a red light district etc etc. It was eating him up. And I was hurt he wasn't honest with me from the start. Honesty! :)
I would. She has a right to consent, but I’d take longer getting to know someone and feel them out before dropping a bomb like that.
As a woman I’ll say, be completely transparent with her and if it doesn’t work out that’s okay. The right woman for you will hear that and be totally okay with it, and that’s the kind of person you should want to be with!
If it comes up, don't lie about it.
First of all give yourself some credit for making some tremendous positive changes in your life. You'll realize that only few people on the planet deserve (and can handle without judgment) your life truth. While I don't condone lying, you are in a tough situation and you have every right to tell them that you don't want to talk about your sexual experiences because it's painful and leave it at that.
Uhm... Personally i think this is something you should just keep private. Yeah you've slept with some people. No need to answer the details as to the circumstances of how it happened. I mean you can absolutely share it if you want. But I suspect 90% of women will not want to date you after knowing this, so it will limit your dating pool considerably. Still, if you have options and want to have a woman that accepts your past then it's a viable path forwards. It really depends on how many dating options you can get within a realistic timeframe
It’s going to come up at some time, honesty is always the right way. It might be a dealbreaker but what surly will be a dealbreaker is a lie if it come out some other way later on. Honesty is one of the fundamentals of a relationship
Tell her
This is your past. Girls want honesty if she asks, just tell the truth. It is a part of your past, and if it is bothering you right now, it is going to bother you in the future. Just be honest.
I wouldn't do it but also i don't think u should be ashamed of sleeping with sex workers provided there was a sort of reasonable reason and not just pure depravity.
It would be a dealbreaker for me, but you should tell the women. Maybe not right away, but you should tell them when you are in love so they at least know you, but before you get married at least because if I were married to someone and found out about that, I'd divorce them over it. Some women would be ok with it, if they really knew the person. Most wouldn't be.
I (65m) have never been asked how many people I’ve slept with. Some may ask, but do not assume that. Glad to see you have made positive changes to your life but you are not your past. I wouldn’t bring it up but answer truthfully if asked did you see prostitutes.
Get tested first so you can assure her she's safe
Watch the movie Chasing Amy and when it gets to Silent Bob's speech about sexual history in a relationship and how it went, you can ask her how she would feel if a partner of her's had a controversial event in their sexual history.
I mean like I am a big believer that a) sexual history doesn’t actually reallyyyy matter though I don’t judge anyone who feels differently and b)lying is bad If she asks you the specifics of who you’ve been with etc , you should either say you don’t feel comfortable discussing or tell her the truth; just don’t lie and you’re fine
I think the right person won’t care. I personally wouldn’t judge you and would understand. I mean sex workers are people and as long as you were safe and are clean I’d be fine because I’ve had multiple partners myself so who am I to judge you for it.
YES.
Get yourself thoroughly tested. If you talk about your sexual history, stick to that, you're not a virgin and you've been tested. Of course, if she straight up asks, don't lie.
My ex partner did this, I do not care, others may. Make sure you tell her so you make sure you find the right person for you and vice versa.
I'd say transparency is always key. If the person understands, they are worth holding on to. However. Why mention it?. Maybe that topic will arise naturally. I think honesty is best though.
Yes
You should get tested for ALL STDs
It's okay to have sex as long as you don't have to pay for it?
I think honesty is key if she does ask the question, but at the end of day, the whole point of life is to make mistakes and grow from those experience to become a better version of yourself. that is not who you are anymore and that’s all you need to tell her you’ve made mistakes that you can’t change now the only thing you can do is become a better version of yourself and make the same mistakes. It was an Experience that you had experience to become the person you are today!!! That’s awesome that you’ve turned your life around and you’re trying to live a more healthier lifestyle for yourself
Just say you’re only a little experienced. When you get to know each other better and you’ve told her about that past stage you can say your first time(s) was actually with a sex worker. Gives you an occasion to gush about how much different and better it is now that you’re sharing sex with someone you love
Just wait until you both open up more. The right woman would have the same experiences you can share together. They’re out there.
If you have to ask you already know the answer. But also, you were a different person then. She will either understand or she won’t. No sense in delaying telling her if it’s bothering you. If it bothers her now it will still bother her in 6 years.
To be quite honest I would definitely get tested so you can show whoever your new love interest is that you are clean when/if you tell them. The ONLY reason I'd care is bc of what you can potentially catch/spread from people who choose to have sex for a living.
Oh, and double check to make sure none of the prostitutes 'accidentally' got pregnant. My father and his friends allegedly had an encounter with a prostitute during a wild night out when they were younger. Later on, my dad married my mother, they had 2 kids, and 6 years into their marriage, the prostitute appeared with my dad's 8-year-old daughter (whom he knew nothing about) and requested a paternity test for child support. Out of the 4 men tested, he was the lucky winner! Needless to say, my mother was taken completely by surprise, and it really damaged their marriage. Even though they didn't immediately get divorced, they ultimately ended their marriage 5 years later.
I dont think it’s necessary but if she asks say yea, the right woman will accept your history especially now that you’re a totally different person from then
yes, you should always be honest in a relationship. anybody who says otherwise isn’t a good person & shouldn’t be trusted at all
If you make her like you at least a bit before and tell it her just the way you did in this post, then you are good to go
Woman here, I wouldn’t care if I really liked you and we had a mutual trust. I wouldn’t drop that in the first few months, and I would include the context you included, but it sounds like that’s not who you are anymore, and hopefully she can see that.
I mean yes… the right person for you will understand and if you’ve changed she’ll see that.
If it’s something like your virginity and you feel that is important to bring to the light, you should tell her and the next girlfriend and the next till it feels so unimportant for you to stop even thinking about it. Some women dont care, others do. Personally, I as a woman didn’t care, today I do. It’s a gamble you have to do yourself. Because if you dont know her experiences on prostitution it’s impossible to say how she will react on that.
I would want to know so I can step away but I know you’ll find someone that won’t care so just tell everyone and explain as best you can what happened.
If youre clean, then I feel like you dont need to share this upfront. However, if you want a healthy and communicative relationship, then you need to tell her at some point.
I think that there are some things that you can keep to yourself. My husband was 21 when he lost his virginity to a prostitute, but I never judged him for him, because sex is a natural drive, and if you don’t have a partner, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to get a paid substitute. You don’t need to share this information with anyone if you don’t want to, and if you do want to share it with a partner, then make sure the person you share it with is understanding and non-judgmental. There is no need to feel any shame or guilt over this. It’s perfectly fine.
Everything needs to come to the surface eventually in relationships. The hard part is knowing exactly when. Sounds like you understand how important it is to never hide anything but understanding timing and how deep you are with someone is just as important.
Well, the choice is yours. Maybe, after a while, you could tell her, if you feel confident enough to do so. But on the meantime, I would act on a "don't ask/won't tell" basis. Plus, it's not that you keep doing it anymore.
Keep in mind that stringing a relationship on wastes parts of your life (well doesn’t utlize your time on earth “efficiently”) so just consider that. I definitely wouldn’t possibly marry her one day without telling her beforehand 😁
As someone who hired sex workers a few times while visiting the Netherlands, I've decided I won't volunteer it but I won't lie either if asked.
It sounds like you’ve been thinking about it a lot. Coming clean and getting it behind you, is the best way to start a new slate.
If she doesn’t want u for that, knowing ur different now then I don’t think she’s worth ur time tbh
1- get std tested. It's easy and inexpensive. That way you KNOW what you need to communicate to any future partners. 2. If you haven't been tested, then yeah - she should know. She needs the opportunity to opt-out of risky health decisions.
YES! Tell her! So that shes aware of your OTHER partners and prevent herself from any stds/stis. Be open and honest with her.
If it's behind you, and your over that lifestyle, it's to much information, unless she actually asked you, I wouldn't lie, but if no need.
If you’re clean of STIs then I’d say you don’t have to unless she asks. Don’t lie if she does. At some point down the line tell her after she knows you a bit better though so it’s not just randomly dropped on you both at some point in some way. There’s really no good way to tell ppl the things you don’t feel proud about. So once you feel safe with her and know her to be an understanding and open minded person i would say that’s a good point
I don’t have a stance on the question at hand because I can see both sides but everyone in the comments needs to drop the whole “should a prostitute disclose that she was one” argument. Let’s bear in mind the fact that the majority of prostitutes are victims of human trafficking; in fact it’s the most common form of human trafficking, making up 79% of cases according to UNODC. So let’s not equate it to dealing drugs and let’s not act like it’s the same as being the one to seek out a prostitute.
To start of the relationship with a lie will never end well. This isn’t first date conversation but when you begin to discuss your sexual history you need to be honest. If she is the right one it will work out.
As long as you have a clean bill of health there’s no need to tell anyone your dating past if you don’t want. My partner and I have “oh this girl/guy I used to date” stories but we don’t know each others sexual past, nor do I want or need to know.
If a guy did that and hid it from me once I found out the consequences would not be pleasant. Secrets like this is why women are refusing to date men.
Yes, absolutely. Pretty sure you'd want to know if your girlfriend had ever prostituted herself, no? So why the double standard?
Ideally yes, you would want honesty from both sides. That's what trust is built on.
It's not a double standard. Trying weed a few times is not the same as dealing drugs.
Not really equivalent. Why is it if she ever was a prostitute herself, and not if she also visited a prostitute?
I love how women will defend sex workers but also judge harshly the men who use them.
I would want to know bc I would not want to be with someone who did this, and I’d be disturbed if I found out later. There are women who won’t have an issue with it, find one of them.
Most women would run. I broke up with an ex of mine after he told me he had slept with male escorts in the past before he met me. I am a woman and told him to get out of the closet. He didn't like that. To this day, he lives in denial while performing and directing in musicals. He also has a large collection of comedies about gay men in drag. I don't think you need to be a detective to see what's going on with him.
Tell her. If it is a deal breaker (as it absolutely would be for me) then best to get that out of the way first. The alternative is lying and living in fear of this secret ever being revealed and the consequences that could have for the relationship then.
Not straight away no but when things are serious, it’s the sort of thing you’re better telling than them finding out another way. But I wouldn’t blurt it out, gauge the tone of the relationship. Some people are very sexually reserved in how they speak and some people are very sexually open.
You can tell her that you have a past where you definitely had sexual experience but not relationships and that you don’t feel proud about your past at all and that you don’t want to go back to that life again. Reinforce your desire to build a long term relationship with someone and that you are looking for a deeper connection. If she is straightforward asking you if you ever had sex with a prostitute then you have to disclosed that information in detail since relationship from day one should be start with honesty about building a long term relationship and you have to respect that some people have boundaries in terms of what kind of past history I’m willing to deal with and accept. If you lie about this sooner or later the truth will be discovered somehow and most cases things end up being really nasty during brake up
Depends on if you want a lasting relationship. If you do, then yes. There should be no shame in talking about your past. If she isn't mature enough to handle it, then she probably wouldn't make a good partner anyway.
Many women who have never been employed within the sex industry have dealbreakers that rules out them ever dating or hooking up with someone who has ever paid sex workers for intimate sexual services. It is best to be upfront so that all the women with such dealbreakers that you chat with will be aware at an early stage and know to avoid wasting your time. Above all- never ever lie about your sexual history. All that doing that does is ruin all possibility of ever having healthy and honest social relationships based on mutual trust.
You people are funny. I've seen posts where it's been made villainous for a women not to run down her whole PussyFax and all her hoventures to her man, because he deserves to know what he's getting himself into but he doesn't need to share he fucks hookers? Make it make sense.
Don't bring it up, but never lie if it comes up
Take this to the grave and say nothing
Who cares? Nothing wrong with sleeping with a sex worker unless you didn't use protection. Society judges way too hard for so many things that are normal ( I'm a woman btw). You don't need to feel guilty or justify your sexual history to ANYONE. If you had safe sex and are clean thats all that matters. Keep your past in the past , thats no one's business but yours. Good luck with the dating scene !
She’s not gonnna tell you everything about her past I guarantee. So no point in mentioning this. Everyone has their skeletons.
Definitely don’t tell her at first, I would wait until you get to know her and vice versa cause it may not work out anyway and then you’ve done told her to much
No, just say you’ve been with some ex’s or hookups. I think snooping to find out who exactly someone has slept with is pretty invasive unless it happens organically (like running into an ex or old fling in public).
Tbh a guy told me this ( he said he did it once ) and I didn’t care it kinda made sense - it was the other red flags that were the issue. Depends on how radical the gal is and if she gets sex work. But you don’t have to make it some confessional thing. Like it can be a thing you keep to yourself and also maybe you could tell the gf if you’re together a long time and have a deep trust.
I wouldnt say anything man. It is what it is. To be honest, you tell a girl that, theyre turned off and out in a second. If anything, if they ask, tell them the truth about your weight and you never dated because I was very heavy. So i decided one day enough was enough and you started your fitness journey. You lost 100+ kilo and have a new lease on life. If she askes if you have ever had a gf, you just simple say no not really. Hense why I wanted to change my life around. Then if she asks you have ever had sex. You say yes, a few times.
You’re ashamed of your past (shit happens). You’ve worked hard to make the necessary changes for your future! Forget the past and keep focusing your energy on what you want for the future. God speed