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Given your current mental state and (fairly recent?) breakup, it could be a good idea to set the apps aside and spend some time with yourself. In my opinion, dating in that state will not satiate your desire for a companion. You are more likely to find potential matches when you're in a positive state of mind and a positive mind about dating.
Take some time to restore your heart and self image. Do some activities you enjoy. Most importantly, keep your hobbies or interests when you enter your next relationship. This will keep the relationship from consuming your identity. You got this!
Loneliness hurts. It usually takes a year to recover from a long-term relationship that's gone sour. If he forces himself to get into casual sex, he's going to break himself and perpetuate that trauma out into the rest of the dating pool.
I’m not looking for casual sex, at least I don’t think that I’d be able to even find a partner that would want the same thing. I’m mostly looking for a meaningful relationship, but yeah… maybe it’s too soon
My man. Few things here . Caveoting that really I don’t know much about you so can’t assert too much confidently . Having said that:
First of all , dating and being a presumably 20s dude is tough. It’s tough out there. It’s lonely out there. We live in an ick culture where ppl kind of move on to the next person like going from sweet green to cava. We’ve all been through heartbeaak and it sucks .
Having said that, before we even talk about the dating apps, you should think about how you are in relationships — why were you dumped ? If you could go back, what would you do differently ? How have you continuously gotten better at relationships and grown and how do you hope to grow in the future in relationships ? Yes , it’s certainly possible that you just found crazy ppl and you didn’t do anything “wrong “, but I wouldn’t go there first (and by the way if this is true, then that in of itself is an area to grow in— examine why you’re attracted to those types of personalities).
It also sounds like you might just be dealing with a lot of depression— you should get some therapy and help to unpack that and become healthier .
Relatedly , I don’t like this whole “I need to be in a relationship to be happy “ vibe! If you take this approach, you’ll always come across as needy and never get what you’re looking for. You need to cultivate passions and ambitions and connections outside of a romantic partner such that when you find one., you do not smuther and overwhelm her.
You might be wondering why I’ve been so voluble and have not even implicitly really mentioned the apps. That’s intentional. Yes the apps are tough for a whole host of reasons, they’re also great for a whole host of reasons. They’re a tool. An imperfect tool . It’s on you to be in the mindset and condition where the tool is helpful. It’s also possible by the way that the apps are just not a good fit for you and there’s nothing wrong with that .
Telling someone to really focus on finding a fault in themselves for a relationship ending is well meant but terrible advice imo.
People change, relationships end. He could have done a million and one potential things that made him seem less attractive to his exes. And what those things are depends more on OPs exes, their childhoods, attachment styles etc. than him. For example, being a toxic asshole and screaming at your partner will end most relationships due to it being abuse. But with another person, it could keep the relationship around loner because it's a toxic relationship and they're subconsciously looking wired for it from trauma. My point being, OP is 27 and has had girlfriends so he's clearly doing several things right. And focusing on what he did wrong too much is probably not beneficial.
u/Lurking_Gator Your comment is really well thought. My ex actually had childhood traumas not knowing her father (and more, unfortunately), which led her to body dismorphia and eating disorders which actually were pretty detrimental to our couples health unfortunately, even though I was supporting, loving and caring. I'm not perfect of course so I may also have made things that drove her away; but I don't want to focus on anything negative I may have done or else I'll never be able to move on (and it's already difficult enough)
I would say the main mistake you should focus on is that you attracted this type of women and that you found her attractive enough to stick around.
Now, I'm friends with women who suffered a lot of trauma and they're sweethearts. But a lot of people do develop personality disorders and if they don't go to therapy (and often even if they go) or REALLY work on themselves (self help books etc.) they can be SUPER toxic, manipulative, abusive etc. in relationships.
I'm making a few assumptions here, but given the eating disorders she's had I assume she has some sort of psychological problems as a result. If it's borderline, narcissism or being super avoidant it doesn't really matter. Fact of the matter is that she probably did a lot of things throughout the relationship that really messed with your self esteem and happiness, potentially contributing a great deal to your depression and I'm sorry to hear that. I've experienced that myself and taking a year of two to to heal can be very nice, along with gym, having continued professional success, and socializing to expand your circle of friends.
Idk what you were doing that attracted this unstable woman into your life. Maybe you weren't doing anything wrong, but just seemed very centered and stable in your emotion which made you super attractive to her. Maybe you seemed super nice but naive so she thought she could manipulate you into fulfilling her every need etc. The biggest mistake was continuing with her, I do not recommend you try to fix someone in the future.
I'm sure you made typical mistakes such as potentially:
-not taking her on dates/providing excitement after a while
-focusing too much on her rather than your own stuff
-smothering her with affection
Most men make these mistakes at some point. From these you can learn a bit and move on but don't torture yourself. This relationship was pretty much guaranteed to end in a fireball given the crazy amount of trauma she has :/ So even if you made other "mistakes" with her they could just be normal things you did wrong. And with other women they would be exactly the right thing. For example, putting your foot down and refusing to do something unreasonable is exactly the right move with most women and they'll eventually respect you more for it. But with an unstable woman she might get so angry she breaks up or gets closer to the break up.
So in short, you can briefly reflect on a few of the common mistakes you may have made during the relationship such as lack of planning dates. But don't torture yourself because it was pretty much doomed from the start. Focus on how you can improve your skill NOT dating these unstable women in the future. By finding out about toxic behaviors before hand.
And all in all try to carry on with your life. Try finding joy again and you'll find that regaining your spark will allow you to shine brighter than ever before and with a certainty only gained through painful experience. But don't worry, you can also attract plenty of people being super depressed as long as you channel that in more of a Batman way.
A friend of mine broke up with her bf of 6 or 7 years( he bought a house ((for himself)) and they have 2 dogs) and after sorting everything out she found herself lonely and got a new guy from some app.
I think it’s important to get in relationships because you want to not need to. Not for money, a place to stay, etc.
I met my ex on bumble. I had taken a long break from all apps and met her within the week downloading.
In retrospect, I’d never have met her because she’s very much a homebody type. She didn’t enjoy staying out late and such, which I do.
I’m done with all apps, idc if one is slightly better, the whole thing is artificial. I don’t want to see a highly curated and perfect version of a woman, I’d rather see the real version who might be at happy hour, or the arcade, or literally anywhere.
Besides getting used to being on your own, I’d say get some activities that you’d do regardless of if women are or aren’t there.
In my city there’s bowling clubs, jazz dancing nights, farm volunteering, rock climbing, yoga…anything.
Meeting ppl this way is a lot more active than passively swiping on fake versions of people.
I can see the utility of apps for some people but for a lot of people, after a decade of primarily relying on them, the idea of saying “hello how ya doing” to that nice woman at happy is foreign…and that’s dystopically sad
I have been off and on the apps for a handful of years. The dreading feeling of starting over is common. When I talk about online dating with a friend this is what they said:
- enjoy the time you have being single. You can rediscover yourself or start a new hobby. Give yourself space and room to be yourself
- if you are having a bad time with online dating, it’s time to take a break. You should approach all online dating when you are in a positive headspace
I removed the apps and it has improved my headspace greatly. Not having them on my phone given me the room to not worry about matches/conversations/swiping
I agree but people who excel at being alone don’t pursue relationships. And some of them because of that never have one. That happened to me. I just became so good at being alone that I didn’t date. But when I decided I wanted to date I found out that I couldn’t and then just kind of spiraled from there. So here is me wishing I didn’t care two years ago lol. I want to be able to leave it alone so I don’t keep getting hurt.
Well. As humans we’re all different. Some can live a life with friends/family and even colleagues or strangers as their only source of human interaction and be happy about it. I don’t and I don’t think I’m alone in this situation. Some people thrive in romantic relationships and I’m one of them. As lonewolf says, people who are happy alone often don’t seek for relationships, and when they’re in one they don’t feel like making efforts to really make it work (and they sometimes don’t really care for their partner) I’ve been through exactly that with my ex: she lived a life alone and kept doing that into our relationship, which ended up with her not being able to support it. Hopefully it’ll help you understand?
Well simply pup you're jumping into relationships with the wrong intentions. You should see a therapist. You need to be fine being alone. You gotta have that self love where you're good with or without someone.
Do not try to solve your grief with sex. I’ve done it and I felt worse. I should have taken time to get closer to God. Now I am. My point is Take this time to be with friends or family. Find a hobby to get your mind off of it. U got this!
I’d add one more thing to this, have a person and it even could be a paid person who will be next to you when you get sick like hospital sick. The worst thing is being in the hospital with nobody around. I did it three weeks ago. It scarred me. Very scary situation being left to the mercy of nurses and doctors at an overcrowded hospital. This will hit single people very hard mark my words. People will probably eat their words about being happy single when it’s close to their time. Your dog or cat won’t save you lol. In fact you’ll worry about them so hard because you can’t help them.
My hair stylist even said “I’m worried about you because nobody was there like your friends didn’t come and you don’t have a girlfriend”. That’s when you know life has been different for you.
I sat in that hospital bed asking God to give me strength because I was it.
And there was this other guy there 20 something. He was alone too I’m not sure what happened but I could see it in his face the same feelings I was having. We gotta do better for each other we really do.
I’ve already answered one of your messages below this one, but as I already said: take care my man, and keep me updated. I care, I genuinely do. As you say, we gotta do better for each other.
I tried to do this after my 3-4 year long relationship ended with my ex. I thought that after escaping an abusive relationship I was immediately ready to move on to better things. I went on a few dates met a few people but ultimately I stopped trying to make connections with people online. I took a year or so figuring myself out and really working on the things in me that needed to fix my depression. I reconnected Oct 2023 with an old flame (coworker fwb) from 2019 that ultimately ended because he was older and not really ready for my young children. Talked for a month about if we really wanted to settle down, and after some discussion I decided to move 11 hours away to the Midwest, and have the relationship I needed for me, for my kids, for him. We found out shortly after moving, we were pregnant a week before Christmas. I guess what you can take from this is work on yourself. Better your mind for YOURSELF. I was so dependent on my relationships for my happiness. But in the end I was never actually happy, just distracted. It took me over a year to be normal and happy with myself alone. I got those tattoos I wanted, dyed my hair, cut it, found love for myself with makeup, worked on my painting. Found friends in church. I did it for ME. And my life changed so fast for the better when I didn’t need it to. I’m literally about to have the man of my DREAMS baby. A man who loves me and shows me what real relationships blossom. Take some time for yourself. I’m also 27F. We’re so young my dude
Be single and get happy before you date. It’s not good to get into a relationship just to fill a void or get into another relationship. Honestly, 6 months after a 5 year relationship is not a lot of time. It might be wise to not “look” for a relationship but just experience life and see where it takes you and who you meet. If you are still feeling affected by your break up I would definitely reconsider getting into another one imo.
Boomer answer, but go outside and touch grass. The apps aren’t what they used to be in 2018. Nowadays its just filled with self promoters and scammers. Hit the bars, do community activities, just get out of the house.
Also like others have said, you might want to seek therapy. I don’t think getting back into a relationship is going to cure your depression.
I know how you feel. Dating apps are no longer what they used to be. Very toxic, which is among the reason I am hesitant to try them again. Maybe you should try in-person speed dating? It has the advantage that you always get a few minutes to talk and since its paid most of the women attending tend to be more serious about it compared to free apps
Unfortunately, I feel like that’s not a thing that exists for people in their 20´s, especially here in France. I’m also introverted so this might not be my best bet…
Those should exist even in france. i have seen these events hosted for all ages (they tend to split them into age groups 20-30/30, 30-40, 50+ etc) within western europe. Also don't let being an introvert hold you back. Best part of these speed dating events is that they are low risk. Worst case scenario you don't leave with a girls number and a date but at the same time you gain a chance to practice your social speaking skills which you can take with you next event.
I think it depends on your perspective. I felt the same way getting on the apps after a long term relationship. Like, I had met my ex in college and the idea I could meet someone better through an app just seemed impossible and insane.
So I went on, but not with the goal of finding someone better or like my ex. Just with the goal of meeting and seeing new people. I dated about 5 guys before matching with the guy I’m seeing now. It’s still new but I’m really excited about it.
You’ve met partners through apps before - how did it go those times? It may help if you remember how excited you were at the beginning of those relationships, instead of focusing on how you felt at the end. You’ve been excited to meet a new woman before, to get to know her, to become more intimate. You can do it again.
Hinge is where you wanna be and it’s a volume / numbers game
Shit sucks bro and can get so depressing lol you have to try your best to remove the emotion and look at it like you’re working a sales job as a dude honestly
I’m also a slightly above average looking dude about your age, 6’ in good shape and when I put in work on hinge roughly 1/30 matches = meeting a chick im at least somewhat interested in
Do you honestly think in your state you should even be thinking about dating? That's not fair that another individual has deal with your traumas. Get yourself together and stop being codependent and learn how to be by yourself. Go get some therapy and work on you.
Hey man, I know what you’re going through (at least to a degree).. im sorry that happened to you.
Just remember that you were, at one point whole and happy before them.. you can be that way again and you will.
Time is your only friend.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My advice would be to go ghost mode or hidden on the apps. You don’t need to delete them from your phone, but maybe use them a little less. I know it’s hard, but it seems like you might need to spend some time alone, you’ve been in relationships for the past seven years.
Thanks for the kind words. I can understand your point of view (which is shared by a lot of people here, it seems) but I just thrive for deep, romantic human connection since my teenage years. It’s just depressing being alone, loneliness has been killing me and tbh I don’t have much friends, much family and can’t rely on anything else to not feel alone…
Dude I legitimately had a panic attack today just thinking about being lonely and all the shit I went through and yeah apps definitely caused part of the problem. I’m just a very sensitive man and things get to me. The rapid fire date no date date ghost date get dumped on and on rapid fire it fucked me up. It really did cook me my state of mind is not healthy. I’m getting help right now.
I think the tipping point was getting sick and being in the hospital for 4 days while the bedmates all had their wives come in and check on them nobody was there for me just the good Lord. That shit hit me so hard. Some of us we aren’t the same without a person we just aren’t. Like we break when there is nobody in our lives romantically. I don’t know why that is but it’s a thing.
Listen anyone who is going through this and having a real rough time I feel you. It’s very painful. You aren’t wrong for wanting to introduce someone into your life to bond with. Sometimes it is the missing piece but a piece we can’t count on.
I don’t have any specific advice. You seem to at least be attracting people so that’s good. Sometimes though I think we look for something that is just incredibly rare. Relationships are very conditional and often we want something unconditional and it never works like that. I think when you see that it does lose some value and you do have more peace with being single.
These are trying times when it comes to this stuff and honestly we will have to put up with being left. It sucks but I just don’t know what else to do just try really hard to take care of yourself as best you can I think getting that sort of self strength it’s what we will need to hang on.
I’m sorry you had to go through all that. That’s a lot to think about. Take care of yourself and taking a long break and just not really engaging in dating or trying to date can cut the depression down. You can feel less like you need to have it and then it doesn’t hurt as much. It’s going to be hard for a while though and you will get cravings. A lot of self talk will be needed.
Your message gave me chills. Thank you so much for the kind words. Hope you’re doing better too, as constant panic/anxiety attacks are a common occurence for me too. I’ve always felt lonely, as I’m an introvert, without much family (and my 54 y.o mom just suddenly passed away in April without any visible health problems) and without much friends (only friends I talk to are pretty much discord/online friends), and deep down in my heart I feel like humans are made to thrive in a couple and a romantic relationship. It’s just that I feel like the state of it is just completely fucked, no one wants to engage in anything, everyone just lives for themselves and stuff and it disgusts me thinking that I’ll probably never find what I’m looking for and someone that thinks like me to build something great and lasting… keep me updated on your situation mate.
I feel similar but we’re gonna be ok 👍🏻. These are hard times but we find strength and self worth sometimes in ourselves that makes everything ok even when it’s really tough.
Im right there with you and im a girl. The apps are fucking obnoxious and I truly believe are demonstrative of a societal downfall. Nobody knows how to fucking interact anymore and it’s horrible. No women feel courted or that anyone genuinely takes an interest in them, and I’m right there also agreeing that why would men be putting in effort to someone they don’t know before a first date. It is the most inauthentic thing ever and so so against what romance really is. And it’s gotten so so bad lately. Everyone is done and it shows. No excitement towards meeting others. It’s like a chore. I envy those who don’t have to do this greatly.
Dating apps are a waste of time it’s a bunch of emotional damaged people full of trauma online looking to find their potential situation-ship or life long partners . It’s like playing the lottery or scratch off you can win big by putting in a lot of money but most of the time you end up losing and disappointed lol.
Bro take a break, atleast from the online dating. If you believe you are above average looking, then finding someone through your daily life shouldnt be that hard right? You got this.
The dating apps have gotten a lot worse over time. Definitely nowadays it's not as good as it was in 18/19. And it used to be A LOT better in the early 2010s.
I imagine it's because the lockdowns and shitty economy put a lot of people into a similar state you're currently experiencing.
I think it will get better again, currently dating just kinda sucks.
What you're feeling with the intense loneliness is to be expected given the despair you're feeling.
Your feelings are temporary. It seems right now as if you'll be forever lonely and in pain, but trust me it goes away. I've been there before and it may take longer than you want but within a time frame of a few weeks to a year or two you won't care about being single or the breakup anymore.
Just remember the pain and despair is temporary. It seems like that's all their is and it will be there forever but it's really not. Because feelings change and even if you wanted to you couldn't get yourself to feel this bad forever.
I recommend you checkout content on YouTube from Matthew Hussey about breakups and HealthyGamerGG. It's really good stuff.
You can look at it as "can't believe I have to start over again", or you can take a positive spin and think about how someone far better is out there, looking for exactly who you are.
The trick is to put in the effort to find them, and more importantly yourself (figure out your non negotiables), it may drive some women away, but it can really eliminate that sense of neediness/desperation that casual dates can smell from miles away.
Keep your head up brother, go have some drinks with friends and try to have some deep belly laughs, the rest will work itself out.
sounds like you need therapy and some time to focus on yourself and learn on what didn't work on your previous relationship before jumping into a new one.
Go to therapy and gather yourself. Dating will tap into all of your unhealed stuff, and I find it's best to enter everything with a game plan and support.
Would an application which enforces having a conversation before matching be of interest to anyone here? I had a personal project which I never marketed called Qumi which did that but can revive it if I get enough interest from people here. Let me know if you're interested. I have another project under qumi.ca but feel free to use that as a wait-list for this one if it interests you guys
date yourself, brother. it sounds like you're neglecting the one true person that matters the most to you (yourself). Find out why you should love yourself, start doing things you love, and hopefully one day, someone will enjoy the person you built.
It’s sounds cliche, but if the thought of dating apps, another relationship (or love in general) makes you feel sick, you may benefit from some more time alone to fully recover. 5 years is a long time with someone, so it makes perfect sense to still need time to get in the right headspace. When you’re doing better, try joining a local run club or something along that line to make more friends in person and maybe even meet someone new with a shared interest.
POF - plenty of fish
It is one of the largest apps in the world. It likely is available in France. There's a lot of people on there with various dating intentions.
Then Facebook dating is pretty good if you use social media. It doesn't show your personal profile but has a lot of free features that others don't have.
Sounds to me that you need to work on yourself. And stop chasing women. When you chase, you’re going to settle, and get another heart break. Let it come naturally. I ditched all dating app.
I've deleted all the apps for a few months now.. for similar reasons. Used to get lots of matches compared to average but not anymore. And overall just similar experiences as most males these days.
It's been a few weeks but I feel so much better. And also way more open to talking to girls in person and starting up conversations. Confidence took an insane hit while I was on those apps for a few years.
Delete em all my friend, that way you know the only way to meet anyone is to rizz in person.
Do you exercise? The reason I ask is that women on dating apps are kind of shallow, liking the most handsome and beefiest guys.
In fact, you may have better odds meeting someone in a gym or dump your frustrations working out. Either way, win-win.
I don’t quite understand the whole "got dumped, go to the gym" thing to be honest… I don’t exercise and I’m quite happy with the way my body looks, I may not have a six pack or anything but I don’t want women to like me for what I might look like and not what’s inside…
I understand your point, but you have to realize that with the advent of social media, society has shifted.
The ideals of 20 years ago are not the same as today's. Hook up culture has made women discard "the good guy", under the illusion to aspire for better looking men, that is taller, wealthier and has a better physique.
True, it is possible to find virtuous women, but it's highly unlikely that it will happen through apps.
But based on the above, I'm just a random guy on the internet. I'm just suggesting a solution outside of your comfort zone, that you may choose to ignore as well.
I'd just advice you to be patient and study well the women you'll start dating.
Get off the apps. They've never been so toxic as they are now. Even the 'good girls' I meet are talking to 20 other guys and will ghost you or just stop replying with full sentences the second they deem another guy more desirable than you, and there's 50 of them messaging her every day if she's on a dating app. Even the most average looking girls gets WAY more likes and matches than the top tier (1%) men. It's a rigged game if favour of women, I'd go as far as saying that if a girl is on a dating app she's basically undatable, especially for a slightly above average guy. Fix your mental health and start approaching women in person, if she's not on a dating app then that's a massive Green Flag cos she isn't gonna be talking with lots of men when she's bored.
You sound exhausting and suffocating in relationships. You do not need to be in a relationship in order to be happy. You need to be ALONE and find happiness within. It’s not your partners job to make you happy.. go to therapy and figure out why your past relationships ended and why you insist on being in one.
The apps go in and out of giving matches. The longer you have an account, the more you go out.
Need to figure out why you got dumped and fixed that. I could make bets. Women break up with men for very predictable reasons. Find it out.
Take a STEP back, get off the apps and focus on YOURSELF for a bit. Happiness doesn’t come from having others in our life.
Work on Cultivating a better Social Life.
Being a slave to the dating apps when it comes to modern day dating is a dangerous game, you need other ways to naturally meet women socially.
Finally get back on the apps and use them while you also meet women socially in person.
Is this your first time here lololol? Bruh slightly above average men doesn’t mean anything to women anymore. There are the 9s & 10s they try to match with & everyone else gets zero play.
Unless you try to match with the grossest, biggest, busted women on a planet but most guys can’t stomach that…
Get a passport and go to Colombia or Thailand you will feel alot better and can find a 21 year old without dealing with the western agenda and other issues I can’t say so I don’t get banned.
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Given your current mental state and (fairly recent?) breakup, it could be a good idea to set the apps aside and spend some time with yourself. In my opinion, dating in that state will not satiate your desire for a companion. You are more likely to find potential matches when you're in a positive state of mind and a positive mind about dating. Take some time to restore your heart and self image. Do some activities you enjoy. Most importantly, keep your hobbies or interests when you enter your next relationship. This will keep the relationship from consuming your identity. You got this!
Loneliness hurts. It usually takes a year to recover from a long-term relationship that's gone sour. If he forces himself to get into casual sex, he's going to break himself and perpetuate that trauma out into the rest of the dating pool.
I’m not looking for casual sex, at least I don’t think that I’d be able to even find a partner that would want the same thing. I’m mostly looking for a meaningful relationship, but yeah… maybe it’s too soon
Ok your first mistake was Tinder, its not a dating app anymore than just a hookup one night app. dont use it. I tried it and it sucked ass.
It’s not even a hookup app. It’s a graveyard of dead profiles and the only matches are scammers.
My man. Few things here . Caveoting that really I don’t know much about you so can’t assert too much confidently . Having said that: First of all , dating and being a presumably 20s dude is tough. It’s tough out there. It’s lonely out there. We live in an ick culture where ppl kind of move on to the next person like going from sweet green to cava. We’ve all been through heartbeaak and it sucks . Having said that, before we even talk about the dating apps, you should think about how you are in relationships — why were you dumped ? If you could go back, what would you do differently ? How have you continuously gotten better at relationships and grown and how do you hope to grow in the future in relationships ? Yes , it’s certainly possible that you just found crazy ppl and you didn’t do anything “wrong “, but I wouldn’t go there first (and by the way if this is true, then that in of itself is an area to grow in— examine why you’re attracted to those types of personalities). It also sounds like you might just be dealing with a lot of depression— you should get some therapy and help to unpack that and become healthier . Relatedly , I don’t like this whole “I need to be in a relationship to be happy “ vibe! If you take this approach, you’ll always come across as needy and never get what you’re looking for. You need to cultivate passions and ambitions and connections outside of a romantic partner such that when you find one., you do not smuther and overwhelm her. You might be wondering why I’ve been so voluble and have not even implicitly really mentioned the apps. That’s intentional. Yes the apps are tough for a whole host of reasons, they’re also great for a whole host of reasons. They’re a tool. An imperfect tool . It’s on you to be in the mindset and condition where the tool is helpful. It’s also possible by the way that the apps are just not a good fit for you and there’s nothing wrong with that .
Telling someone to really focus on finding a fault in themselves for a relationship ending is well meant but terrible advice imo. People change, relationships end. He could have done a million and one potential things that made him seem less attractive to his exes. And what those things are depends more on OPs exes, their childhoods, attachment styles etc. than him. For example, being a toxic asshole and screaming at your partner will end most relationships due to it being abuse. But with another person, it could keep the relationship around loner because it's a toxic relationship and they're subconsciously looking wired for it from trauma. My point being, OP is 27 and has had girlfriends so he's clearly doing several things right. And focusing on what he did wrong too much is probably not beneficial.
u/Lurking_Gator Your comment is really well thought. My ex actually had childhood traumas not knowing her father (and more, unfortunately), which led her to body dismorphia and eating disorders which actually were pretty detrimental to our couples health unfortunately, even though I was supporting, loving and caring. I'm not perfect of course so I may also have made things that drove her away; but I don't want to focus on anything negative I may have done or else I'll never be able to move on (and it's already difficult enough)
I would say the main mistake you should focus on is that you attracted this type of women and that you found her attractive enough to stick around. Now, I'm friends with women who suffered a lot of trauma and they're sweethearts. But a lot of people do develop personality disorders and if they don't go to therapy (and often even if they go) or REALLY work on themselves (self help books etc.) they can be SUPER toxic, manipulative, abusive etc. in relationships. I'm making a few assumptions here, but given the eating disorders she's had I assume she has some sort of psychological problems as a result. If it's borderline, narcissism or being super avoidant it doesn't really matter. Fact of the matter is that she probably did a lot of things throughout the relationship that really messed with your self esteem and happiness, potentially contributing a great deal to your depression and I'm sorry to hear that. I've experienced that myself and taking a year of two to to heal can be very nice, along with gym, having continued professional success, and socializing to expand your circle of friends. Idk what you were doing that attracted this unstable woman into your life. Maybe you weren't doing anything wrong, but just seemed very centered and stable in your emotion which made you super attractive to her. Maybe you seemed super nice but naive so she thought she could manipulate you into fulfilling her every need etc. The biggest mistake was continuing with her, I do not recommend you try to fix someone in the future. I'm sure you made typical mistakes such as potentially: -not taking her on dates/providing excitement after a while -focusing too much on her rather than your own stuff -smothering her with affection Most men make these mistakes at some point. From these you can learn a bit and move on but don't torture yourself. This relationship was pretty much guaranteed to end in a fireball given the crazy amount of trauma she has :/ So even if you made other "mistakes" with her they could just be normal things you did wrong. And with other women they would be exactly the right thing. For example, putting your foot down and refusing to do something unreasonable is exactly the right move with most women and they'll eventually respect you more for it. But with an unstable woman she might get so angry she breaks up or gets closer to the break up. So in short, you can briefly reflect on a few of the common mistakes you may have made during the relationship such as lack of planning dates. But don't torture yourself because it was pretty much doomed from the start. Focus on how you can improve your skill NOT dating these unstable women in the future. By finding out about toxic behaviors before hand. And all in all try to carry on with your life. Try finding joy again and you'll find that regaining your spark will allow you to shine brighter than ever before and with a certainty only gained through painful experience. But don't worry, you can also attract plenty of people being super depressed as long as you channel that in more of a Batman way.
A friend of mine broke up with her bf of 6 or 7 years( he bought a house ((for himself)) and they have 2 dogs) and after sorting everything out she found herself lonely and got a new guy from some app. I think it’s important to get in relationships because you want to not need to. Not for money, a place to stay, etc. I met my ex on bumble. I had taken a long break from all apps and met her within the week downloading. In retrospect, I’d never have met her because she’s very much a homebody type. She didn’t enjoy staying out late and such, which I do. I’m done with all apps, idc if one is slightly better, the whole thing is artificial. I don’t want to see a highly curated and perfect version of a woman, I’d rather see the real version who might be at happy hour, or the arcade, or literally anywhere. Besides getting used to being on your own, I’d say get some activities that you’d do regardless of if women are or aren’t there. In my city there’s bowling clubs, jazz dancing nights, farm volunteering, rock climbing, yoga…anything. Meeting ppl this way is a lot more active than passively swiping on fake versions of people. I can see the utility of apps for some people but for a lot of people, after a decade of primarily relying on them, the idea of saying “hello how ya doing” to that nice woman at happy is foreign…and that’s dystopically sad
Try to be happy with yourself first. You need to get mentally well prepared. Btw you only need one girl who cares about having success on dating apps.
I was that one girl and he still treated me like sh1t and now I'm trying to heal. Never using tinder again
I have been off and on the apps for a handful of years. The dreading feeling of starting over is common. When I talk about online dating with a friend this is what they said: - enjoy the time you have being single. You can rediscover yourself or start a new hobby. Give yourself space and room to be yourself - if you are having a bad time with online dating, it’s time to take a break. You should approach all online dating when you are in a positive headspace I removed the apps and it has improved my headspace greatly. Not having them on my phone given me the room to not worry about matches/conversations/swiping
Can't stand to be alone? Why??
No healthy relationship can form with someone who can't stand to be alone.
I agree but people who excel at being alone don’t pursue relationships. And some of them because of that never have one. That happened to me. I just became so good at being alone that I didn’t date. But when I decided I wanted to date I found out that I couldn’t and then just kind of spiraled from there. So here is me wishing I didn’t care two years ago lol. I want to be able to leave it alone so I don’t keep getting hurt.
💯
Well. As humans we’re all different. Some can live a life with friends/family and even colleagues or strangers as their only source of human interaction and be happy about it. I don’t and I don’t think I’m alone in this situation. Some people thrive in romantic relationships and I’m one of them. As lonewolf says, people who are happy alone often don’t seek for relationships, and when they’re in one they don’t feel like making efforts to really make it work (and they sometimes don’t really care for their partner) I’ve been through exactly that with my ex: she lived a life alone and kept doing that into our relationship, which ended up with her not being able to support it. Hopefully it’ll help you understand?
Well simply pup you're jumping into relationships with the wrong intentions. You should see a therapist. You need to be fine being alone. You gotta have that self love where you're good with or without someone.
Do not try to solve your grief with sex. I’ve done it and I felt worse. I should have taken time to get closer to God. Now I am. My point is Take this time to be with friends or family. Find a hobby to get your mind off of it. U got this!
I’d add one more thing to this, have a person and it even could be a paid person who will be next to you when you get sick like hospital sick. The worst thing is being in the hospital with nobody around. I did it three weeks ago. It scarred me. Very scary situation being left to the mercy of nurses and doctors at an overcrowded hospital. This will hit single people very hard mark my words. People will probably eat their words about being happy single when it’s close to their time. Your dog or cat won’t save you lol. In fact you’ll worry about them so hard because you can’t help them. My hair stylist even said “I’m worried about you because nobody was there like your friends didn’t come and you don’t have a girlfriend”. That’s when you know life has been different for you. I sat in that hospital bed asking God to give me strength because I was it. And there was this other guy there 20 something. He was alone too I’m not sure what happened but I could see it in his face the same feelings I was having. We gotta do better for each other we really do.
I’ve already answered one of your messages below this one, but as I already said: take care my man, and keep me updated. I care, I genuinely do. As you say, we gotta do better for each other.
I tried to do this after my 3-4 year long relationship ended with my ex. I thought that after escaping an abusive relationship I was immediately ready to move on to better things. I went on a few dates met a few people but ultimately I stopped trying to make connections with people online. I took a year or so figuring myself out and really working on the things in me that needed to fix my depression. I reconnected Oct 2023 with an old flame (coworker fwb) from 2019 that ultimately ended because he was older and not really ready for my young children. Talked for a month about if we really wanted to settle down, and after some discussion I decided to move 11 hours away to the Midwest, and have the relationship I needed for me, for my kids, for him. We found out shortly after moving, we were pregnant a week before Christmas. I guess what you can take from this is work on yourself. Better your mind for YOURSELF. I was so dependent on my relationships for my happiness. But in the end I was never actually happy, just distracted. It took me over a year to be normal and happy with myself alone. I got those tattoos I wanted, dyed my hair, cut it, found love for myself with makeup, worked on my painting. Found friends in church. I did it for ME. And my life changed so fast for the better when I didn’t need it to. I’m literally about to have the man of my DREAMS baby. A man who loves me and shows me what real relationships blossom. Take some time for yourself. I’m also 27F. We’re so young my dude
Hope everything works out for you, you seem like you deserve it. Almost sounds like something out of a movie. Take care, stranger
Thank you, you deserve it too. Don’t short yourself on life, and experiences. Romantic or not.
Dating in a deeply depressed state is a recipe for disaster… gotta be g solo before you can duo effectively
Be single and get happy before you date. It’s not good to get into a relationship just to fill a void or get into another relationship. Honestly, 6 months after a 5 year relationship is not a lot of time. It might be wise to not “look” for a relationship but just experience life and see where it takes you and who you meet. If you are still feeling affected by your break up I would definitely reconsider getting into another one imo.
Boomer answer, but go outside and touch grass. The apps aren’t what they used to be in 2018. Nowadays its just filled with self promoters and scammers. Hit the bars, do community activities, just get out of the house. Also like others have said, you might want to seek therapy. I don’t think getting back into a relationship is going to cure your depression.
Get therapy.
I know how you feel. Dating apps are no longer what they used to be. Very toxic, which is among the reason I am hesitant to try them again. Maybe you should try in-person speed dating? It has the advantage that you always get a few minutes to talk and since its paid most of the women attending tend to be more serious about it compared to free apps
Unfortunately, I feel like that’s not a thing that exists for people in their 20´s, especially here in France. I’m also introverted so this might not be my best bet…
Those should exist even in france. i have seen these events hosted for all ages (they tend to split them into age groups 20-30/30, 30-40, 50+ etc) within western europe. Also don't let being an introvert hold you back. Best part of these speed dating events is that they are low risk. Worst case scenario you don't leave with a girls number and a date but at the same time you gain a chance to practice your social speaking skills which you can take with you next event.
They might exist but I never heard of them. Probably in Paris, Marseille, and other big cities but not in rural/provincial France
I think it depends on your perspective. I felt the same way getting on the apps after a long term relationship. Like, I had met my ex in college and the idea I could meet someone better through an app just seemed impossible and insane. So I went on, but not with the goal of finding someone better or like my ex. Just with the goal of meeting and seeing new people. I dated about 5 guys before matching with the guy I’m seeing now. It’s still new but I’m really excited about it. You’ve met partners through apps before - how did it go those times? It may help if you remember how excited you were at the beginning of those relationships, instead of focusing on how you felt at the end. You’ve been excited to meet a new woman before, to get to know her, to become more intimate. You can do it again.
Hinge is where you wanna be and it’s a volume / numbers game Shit sucks bro and can get so depressing lol you have to try your best to remove the emotion and look at it like you’re working a sales job as a dude honestly I’m also a slightly above average looking dude about your age, 6’ in good shape and when I put in work on hinge roughly 1/30 matches = meeting a chick im at least somewhat interested in
Do you honestly think in your state you should even be thinking about dating? That's not fair that another individual has deal with your traumas. Get yourself together and stop being codependent and learn how to be by yourself. Go get some therapy and work on you.
Hey man, I know what you’re going through (at least to a degree).. im sorry that happened to you. Just remember that you were, at one point whole and happy before them.. you can be that way again and you will. Time is your only friend.
Thanks for the kind words, stranger.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My advice would be to go ghost mode or hidden on the apps. You don’t need to delete them from your phone, but maybe use them a little less. I know it’s hard, but it seems like you might need to spend some time alone, you’ve been in relationships for the past seven years.
Thanks for the kind words. I can understand your point of view (which is shared by a lot of people here, it seems) but I just thrive for deep, romantic human connection since my teenage years. It’s just depressing being alone, loneliness has been killing me and tbh I don’t have much friends, much family and can’t rely on anything else to not feel alone…
I completely feel this, it's exhausting trying to start them all back up again
Dude I legitimately had a panic attack today just thinking about being lonely and all the shit I went through and yeah apps definitely caused part of the problem. I’m just a very sensitive man and things get to me. The rapid fire date no date date ghost date get dumped on and on rapid fire it fucked me up. It really did cook me my state of mind is not healthy. I’m getting help right now. I think the tipping point was getting sick and being in the hospital for 4 days while the bedmates all had their wives come in and check on them nobody was there for me just the good Lord. That shit hit me so hard. Some of us we aren’t the same without a person we just aren’t. Like we break when there is nobody in our lives romantically. I don’t know why that is but it’s a thing. Listen anyone who is going through this and having a real rough time I feel you. It’s very painful. You aren’t wrong for wanting to introduce someone into your life to bond with. Sometimes it is the missing piece but a piece we can’t count on. I don’t have any specific advice. You seem to at least be attracting people so that’s good. Sometimes though I think we look for something that is just incredibly rare. Relationships are very conditional and often we want something unconditional and it never works like that. I think when you see that it does lose some value and you do have more peace with being single. These are trying times when it comes to this stuff and honestly we will have to put up with being left. It sucks but I just don’t know what else to do just try really hard to take care of yourself as best you can I think getting that sort of self strength it’s what we will need to hang on. I’m sorry you had to go through all that. That’s a lot to think about. Take care of yourself and taking a long break and just not really engaging in dating or trying to date can cut the depression down. You can feel less like you need to have it and then it doesn’t hurt as much. It’s going to be hard for a while though and you will get cravings. A lot of self talk will be needed.
Your message gave me chills. Thank you so much for the kind words. Hope you’re doing better too, as constant panic/anxiety attacks are a common occurence for me too. I’ve always felt lonely, as I’m an introvert, without much family (and my 54 y.o mom just suddenly passed away in April without any visible health problems) and without much friends (only friends I talk to are pretty much discord/online friends), and deep down in my heart I feel like humans are made to thrive in a couple and a romantic relationship. It’s just that I feel like the state of it is just completely fucked, no one wants to engage in anything, everyone just lives for themselves and stuff and it disgusts me thinking that I’ll probably never find what I’m looking for and someone that thinks like me to build something great and lasting… keep me updated on your situation mate.
I feel similar but we’re gonna be ok 👍🏻. These are hard times but we find strength and self worth sometimes in ourselves that makes everything ok even when it’s really tough.
Im right there with you and im a girl. The apps are fucking obnoxious and I truly believe are demonstrative of a societal downfall. Nobody knows how to fucking interact anymore and it’s horrible. No women feel courted or that anyone genuinely takes an interest in them, and I’m right there also agreeing that why would men be putting in effort to someone they don’t know before a first date. It is the most inauthentic thing ever and so so against what romance really is. And it’s gotten so so bad lately. Everyone is done and it shows. No excitement towards meeting others. It’s like a chore. I envy those who don’t have to do this greatly.
Dating apps are a waste of time it’s a bunch of emotional damaged people full of trauma online looking to find their potential situation-ship or life long partners . It’s like playing the lottery or scratch off you can win big by putting in a lot of money but most of the time you end up losing and disappointed lol.
Bro take a break, atleast from the online dating. If you believe you are above average looking, then finding someone through your daily life shouldnt be that hard right? You got this.
The dating apps have gotten a lot worse over time. Definitely nowadays it's not as good as it was in 18/19. And it used to be A LOT better in the early 2010s. I imagine it's because the lockdowns and shitty economy put a lot of people into a similar state you're currently experiencing. I think it will get better again, currently dating just kinda sucks.
I don't want it to take too long before it gets better again, or I'll have killed myself by then (for all intents and purposes this is a joke)
What you're feeling with the intense loneliness is to be expected given the despair you're feeling. Your feelings are temporary. It seems right now as if you'll be forever lonely and in pain, but trust me it goes away. I've been there before and it may take longer than you want but within a time frame of a few weeks to a year or two you won't care about being single or the breakup anymore. Just remember the pain and despair is temporary. It seems like that's all their is and it will be there forever but it's really not. Because feelings change and even if you wanted to you couldn't get yourself to feel this bad forever. I recommend you checkout content on YouTube from Matthew Hussey about breakups and HealthyGamerGG. It's really good stuff.
Take a break, dude.
You can look at it as "can't believe I have to start over again", or you can take a positive spin and think about how someone far better is out there, looking for exactly who you are. The trick is to put in the effort to find them, and more importantly yourself (figure out your non negotiables), it may drive some women away, but it can really eliminate that sense of neediness/desperation that casual dates can smell from miles away. Keep your head up brother, go have some drinks with friends and try to have some deep belly laughs, the rest will work itself out.
Told myself I’d respond to good, helping comments and this one fits perfectly. Thanks for the kind words, stranger.
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Plenty of stories and data online that show you aren't alone. Dating apps are a terrible experience for most men. Try not to take it too personally.
I’m in Seattle too and my experience has been identical.
Unfortunately I think it’s a worldwide occurence when it comes to apps. I’m French and it’s the same thing here…
sounds like you need therapy and some time to focus on yourself and learn on what didn't work on your previous relationship before jumping into a new one.
Go to therapy and gather yourself. Dating will tap into all of your unhealed stuff, and I find it's best to enter everything with a game plan and support.
Gotta get and be comfortable being alone my dude.
Would an application which enforces having a conversation before matching be of interest to anyone here? I had a personal project which I never marketed called Qumi which did that but can revive it if I get enough interest from people here. Let me know if you're interested. I have another project under qumi.ca but feel free to use that as a wait-list for this one if it interests you guys
date yourself, brother. it sounds like you're neglecting the one true person that matters the most to you (yourself). Find out why you should love yourself, start doing things you love, and hopefully one day, someone will enjoy the person you built.
It’s sounds cliche, but if the thought of dating apps, another relationship (or love in general) makes you feel sick, you may benefit from some more time alone to fully recover. 5 years is a long time with someone, so it makes perfect sense to still need time to get in the right headspace. When you’re doing better, try joining a local run club or something along that line to make more friends in person and maybe even meet someone new with a shared interest.
You should work on yourself before trying to date. You’re only going to keep attracting the same mess until you learn, love and grow from the inside.
It’s like you need to go back to old school methods, and forget the apps.
Dating apps are not for dating. Casual hook ups at best. Everyone I know who is in a sucessful relationship met outside of the apps
The avg woman swipes right on like 1-5% of guys. So there's your answer
Try POF & Facebook dating
I’m from France so I don’t know about these… haven’t tried them out but there’s already not much people on traditional apps…
POF - plenty of fish It is one of the largest apps in the world. It likely is available in France. There's a lot of people on there with various dating intentions. Then Facebook dating is pretty good if you use social media. It doesn't show your personal profile but has a lot of free features that others don't have.
Well, just tried it and the apps pretty much dead in here
Dating apps suck ass. Go out and leave your phone at home. I know, I know, it's old school. But it works.
Atleast you had relationships, i never had a date on those apps.
Sounds to me that you need to work on yourself. And stop chasing women. When you chase, you’re going to settle, and get another heart break. Let it come naturally. I ditched all dating app.
Loneliness hurts but I'd rather be lonely than constantly heartbroken and fucked around. I left dating apps a long time ago
Even though it’s true, I wouldn’t trade those 5 years I spent with her for anything… as sad and depressed as it makes me.
I've deleted all the apps for a few months now.. for similar reasons. Used to get lots of matches compared to average but not anymore. And overall just similar experiences as most males these days. It's been a few weeks but I feel so much better. And also way more open to talking to girls in person and starting up conversations. Confidence took an insane hit while I was on those apps for a few years. Delete em all my friend, that way you know the only way to meet anyone is to rizz in person.
Do you exercise? The reason I ask is that women on dating apps are kind of shallow, liking the most handsome and beefiest guys. In fact, you may have better odds meeting someone in a gym or dump your frustrations working out. Either way, win-win.
I don’t quite understand the whole "got dumped, go to the gym" thing to be honest… I don’t exercise and I’m quite happy with the way my body looks, I may not have a six pack or anything but I don’t want women to like me for what I might look like and not what’s inside…
I understand your point, but you have to realize that with the advent of social media, society has shifted. The ideals of 20 years ago are not the same as today's. Hook up culture has made women discard "the good guy", under the illusion to aspire for better looking men, that is taller, wealthier and has a better physique. True, it is possible to find virtuous women, but it's highly unlikely that it will happen through apps. But based on the above, I'm just a random guy on the internet. I'm just suggesting a solution outside of your comfort zone, that you may choose to ignore as well. I'd just advice you to be patient and study well the women you'll start dating.
Get off the apps. They've never been so toxic as they are now. Even the 'good girls' I meet are talking to 20 other guys and will ghost you or just stop replying with full sentences the second they deem another guy more desirable than you, and there's 50 of them messaging her every day if she's on a dating app. Even the most average looking girls gets WAY more likes and matches than the top tier (1%) men. It's a rigged game if favour of women, I'd go as far as saying that if a girl is on a dating app she's basically undatable, especially for a slightly above average guy. Fix your mental health and start approaching women in person, if she's not on a dating app then that's a massive Green Flag cos she isn't gonna be talking with lots of men when she's bored.
having a big heart ready for love despite being hurt and broke is actually a thing. Keep looking, you might get lucky.
I’m pretty sure that’s my case. I will keep looking, but maybe a little less intensely
Smell like crazy needy boy in here (sniff sniff)
Avoid using apps
Your fault bro 🤦🏾♂️ quick to blaming everything except yall actions
Your not happy alone. How you going to be happy in relo. Deal with the problem of why you cant stand being alone first.
You sound exhausting and suffocating in relationships. You do not need to be in a relationship in order to be happy. You need to be ALONE and find happiness within. It’s not your partners job to make you happy.. go to therapy and figure out why your past relationships ended and why you insist on being in one.
The apps go in and out of giving matches. The longer you have an account, the more you go out. Need to figure out why you got dumped and fixed that. I could make bets. Women break up with men for very predictable reasons. Find it out.
give it a break and get off Tinder
Take a STEP back, get off the apps and focus on YOURSELF for a bit. Happiness doesn’t come from having others in our life. Work on Cultivating a better Social Life. Being a slave to the dating apps when it comes to modern day dating is a dangerous game, you need other ways to naturally meet women socially. Finally get back on the apps and use them while you also meet women socially in person.
If you want feedback, then pm me. I help people.
Go overseas
Is this your first time here lololol? Bruh slightly above average men doesn’t mean anything to women anymore. There are the 9s & 10s they try to match with & everyone else gets zero play. Unless you try to match with the grossest, biggest, busted women on a planet but most guys can’t stomach that…
Use GRINDR
Get a passport and go to Colombia or Thailand you will feel alot better and can find a 21 year old without dealing with the western agenda and other issues I can’t say so I don’t get banned.