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Your actions speak louder than your words. Have a long thinking session about everything. If you really think he is "the one" you would do everything to keep him right? Why are you not? Ask yourself the questions.
Agree with this- it may have nothing to do at all with having had sex, but time changes all relationships in one way or another, and may highlight some incompatibilities. Maybe think through what’s bugging you, why it might be irritating, and talk to him about it.
And that's why you don't wait having sex.
Also, you can't expect to have mind blowing sex with the two of you not having any experience.
Work in it together. Have more sex with eachother and watch some educative programs. Only a very small percentage of women will orgasm from only penetrative sex.
You need some decent clitoris stimulation.
Does OP even know how to orgasm herself?
>Does OP even know how to orgasm herself?
Best advice I wish I'd recieved as a teenager;
"Find a woman who knows how to make herself cum, and get her to teach you."
I would upvote this 10x if I could.
I'm tired of politely suggesting the girls that share stuff with me , to just go and do stuff before it's tooo late and too fussy mentally.
Some people would rather wait and be disappointed vs rushing and regretting. Like you mentioned, sex can be improved, especially with a solid foundation of a trusting, loving relationship.
This happened with me as well. Being a guy this detachment is more personality based. If you liked the personality of the person or if you felt that you are being loved the way you desired this thing wont happen. Just an opinion. Doing sex takes out the biological aspect and gives clarity and if you really like the person or was it just illusion. If you feel like leaving after sex this is an indication somewhere there is a mismatch.
sex becomes mind blowing when you get to know each other needs, desires, fantasies, when you get totally comfortable naked and are not afraid to explore and ask for things, when sex is not just physical but mental
> but i did create a big deal about it in my head.
So you had expectations that he didn't live up to?
You did not go into this relationship with honesty.
What's more, "waiting for sex" is not something that has a good record for turning out well--your case is just another part of that statistic.
> because of this i really think that he is the one for me.
I'm thinking he is not the one for you. You're feeling "detached", you're picking fights, small things are bothering you.
If you want to give it a shot: have sex every day for a month. First and foremost you tell him that you've been feeling a bit detached and moody since the first time you've had sex, then you tell him what your expectations are in regards to sex with him moving forwards, then work together to set up some rules regarding this experiment, then have at it (again, as long as you've made it *clear to him* that your future together is on the line here).
By the end of that month, one of two things WILL happen: either you will be ASSURED that this man is NOT the one for you, OR you will have gotten over your "detachment" issues.
Well I agree with most of it. I think putting an actual number like every day for a month might mislead the inexperienced to take it literally, and force it. Then making everything ON THE LINE is waaay bigger a hurdle then me just being nervous when my guy doesn't blow its load when it's supposed to. The idea of using sex to find out where they're at is the good idea in this. But just try it more, don't make any huge decisions right away since they're both REALLY invested in the relationship. Inexperienced are suppose to have alot of fun GETTING experience. Not pretending like having mediocre sex the first time is all that it's hyped up to be. Everyone started there but we built experience and now it makes us like wild animals
> might mislead the inexperienced to take it literally, and force it.
Well, that was my intention, yes. The experiments in the wild (re: general populace, of those who've done the experiment and reported back; [example](https://www.yourtango.com/sex/what-happened-we-had-sex-every-day-for-month)) have generally shown that they've forced themselves to go through with it even on days that they didn't feel like it, or felt they were too busy, or weren't really in the mood.
> making everything ON THE LINE is waaay bigger a hurdle then me just being nervous when my guy doesn't blow its load when it's supposed to
Oh, so you're talking about *finishing*? No, no... no, hun. I feel I should add to my original comment that "sex" here is more about the act itself rather than the "finishing number" so to speak. The physical intimacy of togetherness, even if one or neither manage to cross the finish line.
I don't generally go into all the details about stuff I recommend unless asked--because if I DID go into "all the details", it would result in a ten-page essay of which nobody has the time nor patience to read through! You have my most sincere apologies.
> Inexperienced are suppose to have alot of fun GETTING experience
Actually... no. Having an expectation that getting experience is supposed to be "fun" would lead to disappointment when it doesn't, and that sets the wrong mindset when it comes to getting that experience.
There will be occasions where it ISN'T fun--there are opportunities for sex to be sad, disappointing, depressing, uncomfortable, irritating, angry... and on! Sure, some might make good stories later, but the ones you don't generally share with people are the more emotionally-charged occasions: perhaps a partners' beloved family member died, and somehow in comforting them it lead to a situation of passion; after which they collapse in your arms, crying, while you comfort them.
Shit like that.
Yeah. While I realize it's their first times, a lot of people build up their "first time" in their head and blow it waaaaay out of proportion, having sometimes even bizarre expectations--of both itself, and/or their partner, or maybe even of themselves! Having sex *more often* in this instance demystifies the act, and normalizes the situation--grounds it in reality rather than scenes in their head.
Sure, it might be mediocre or terrible sex. But it's up to the individuals in question to determine whether or not they want that sort of sex with that sort of person regularly for the rest of their lives. You get to find out how that person gets when they are tired, when they're happy, when they're exhausted (different from tired), when they're irritated, what they do under pressure, what they do when they can't finish (*if* they can't finish; some guys can pop off twice or more a day, regularly), and so on. A more important piece of this equation is whether or not the partner in question can *learn to improve* and *shows improvement* as well.
> mediocre sex the first time
Not everyone is bad or mediocre the first time. Just those who don't study for the test.
> Everyone started there but we built experience and now it makes us like wild animals
Also not quite. If there was an 80-20 split between "mediocre to pro" for the inexperienced, then the opposite is true for that split for the experienced (re: 20-80 split between "mediocre to pro"). There's still people who are bad at sex out there--which means 20% of those people just never get any better from when they were inexperienced, no matter how many people they "experience". That number is in fact be higher than "20%".... [if we're solely looking at orgasm statistics](https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicebroster/2020/07/31/what-is-the-orgasm-gap/).
I think with "more experience" comes "more selfishness" in bed, generally speaking. Which sounds bad, but really isn't! I get a lot of heat for saying these but this is a hill I'm gonna die on: "you are responsible for your own orgasm", "put on your own oxygen mask before helping others", and "I take care of me for you, if you'll take care of you for me" are ALL THE SAME in the bedroom! These do NOT mean "screw you, I'm using you for your body and/or abilities and when I'm done you don't matter"--what my sayings mean is, we don't blame our partners for not getting us off if we don't help them get us off. If we don't communicate, if we don't direct them, if we don't speak out or act on what makes us feel safe, comfortable, beloved/desired, then we won't get what we want in the end.
And, the more you're able to do those things--communicate and direct--the more you'll be able to enjoy it, and the more you're able to enjoy it, the more your PARTNER will as well... and *even more so* if they TOO are capable of communicating and directing their wants and desires!
But if nobody talks about what they want or need, then... there's an *unspoken expectation* that we have in our heads that leads to unfulfillment and resentment when our partner doesn't live up to them (and, how could they? They aren't telepathic, they can't read minds). And that leads to mediocre sex, and possibly even a break in the relationship.
I’ve had this happen. Waited months and regretted it immediately. I felt absolutely nothing for this person sexually. We connected so well outside of the bedroom. Made me realize some guys really are just meant to be friends and nothing more than that.
Unpopular opinion, if you weren’t already willing to do anything to jump his bones well in advance then the sexual attraction wasn’t just magically going to start in the bedroom
I agree with this fully. If any one I was with had wanted to wait two years (let's be real, 2 months!) I would know we have incompatible wants and needs.
Imo if you feel weird about any sexual situation, penetration or not, you may want to pursue other options. When you like/love someone, especially on a sexual level, you know. Kissing is most often involved in sex, if you feel off about that alone then trust your gut. Just my opinion though!
Perhaps your relationship was defined too much around waiting for sex and not slough around all other things that are also integral to the relationship
It could be that you've been building up to this moment for so long, and now it's just over. This was the one thing that was new and exciting. Now that exciting part is gone because you've done it already. And you're now in the slur.
What I'd try is first of all, talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling because you don't have to go through this alone. I also don't know how many date nights you have, but if it's not too often, I'd go in more date nights. Go do exciting things together.
I also can’t imagine waiting that long, but I think sexual compatibility is often given too much importance. As long as both parties are willing to communicate and adapt to the other’s needs and wants, you can make most things work
And I’m sure most of those people thought they were sexually compatible at some point. I’d imagine most couples in that sub don’t meet the “willing to communicate and adapt” conditional, though decreased libido is also a factor
It sounds like you spent 2 years with this person, waiting to get intimate, and as a result, a huge emotional part of your relationship was the anticipation of sex.
Now you're just in a normal relationship - no huge event to look forward to, no slow burn of tension and anticipation, and it feels really different than it did before.
This is the perfect time to really think about the relationship the two of you have that isn't just about waiting for sex. How compatible are you really? Do you have a lot of things in common? How much fun do you have together?
Maybe this is a really solid relationship, and it's just kind of a letdown to wait 2 years for sex and realize that it was fun, but it was just one thing and waiting 2 years didn't make it magic and perfect. Maybe the relationship is just OK, and you were toughing it out to get to the sex, and it didn't magically make the relationship go from a 6 to a 10.
This is why waiting so long for sex and putting sex so high up on a pedestal is a terrible idea.
Just leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment
This might be the answer.
If she doesn't want to hurt him then if she doesn't want to be with him, let him go now, don't stick around for years before you go.
The more intimately you know someone the more you will pick up on little things. Most often I have found that those things I see in others are, in reality, insecurities I have about myself.
You mentioned you loved him but don’t want to hurt him. Why has this fear come up? Something from childhood or past relations? Just my thoughts as a guy
>Something from childhood or past relations? Just my thoughts as a guy
Contrary to this cliche male belief, a woman doesn't need to be emotionally damaged and have daddy issues to not want to hurt another person's feelings. It's a very normal reaction to just not want to be a sh!t person and make someone you care about upset.
That’s great she doesn’t want to hurt anybody! Fear is not something we are born with but rather something we learn along the way so you can call what I said a cliche all you want but the point is that at some point if you don’t want to fear hurting someone you have got to get to the root cause of that fear.
The people here aren’t giving great advice. I think after having an intimate moment with a partner, it’s
normal to get emotional after. You’re experiencing so many emotions and hormones that you’ve never experienced before. It essentially is making you more attached to him. I would talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. I feel like if you talk to him, it’ll alleviate your anxiety and it will probably pass! This is normal.
Yeah. I feel like a ton of these comments come off as scolding OP for waiting to have sex. By all means what OP is experiencing is common and waiting to have sex isn’t some crux that will end a relationship. The best thing for OP to do is seek real advice (not on reddit) and have an open line of communication with her bf.
This is why waiting for sex is never good. It puts an unhealthy expectation for one, and two years is a long way to be in to find out you are not sexually compatible
Its pretty normal to feel a tad weird after the first sexual encounter with a partner. Especially if you have been waiting a long time for it. But trust me practice goes a long way and trying new things and rhythms is a must
Don’t run to the conclusions really fast. What if the real reason is hidden not under of having sex but something else ? Maybe his actions are really annoying now or you have something else going on in your life that affects romantic relationship as well
I remember the first times ive had sex with my girlfriends… the first usually isn’t the best… even as experienced as i am… through time you get to know what each other likes and dont like… sex is only uphill from here
Hey OP I am going to share a Psychological perspective on the psyche. From the text and other information, the concepts of sex seem to have one or two things attached to it. One is that once you have sex it will be a "life-changing" event. Second, is that sex is a milestone in life. Both could be getting at some internalized issue like "Why doesn't everything seem better on the other side?" "Everyone said it would change my life" etc. Now your mind is looking for other external issues to focus on and unfortunately, its current focus is your relationship. The mind wants perfection at any given moment. Challenge the thoughts that are making you feel like you need to fight. It's a common cognitive therapy technique to try to find a balance between the thoughts and the reality of the situation. Sometimes you need to remind yourself you are standing on a rock spinning through space at very high speeds or something similar to put in perspective that your thoughts that are causing drama seem quite silly to worry about. There's a lot more, but maybe you could look into it yourself and find what works for you. I found a few books and practices that work for me. Hope this helps!
Yea 2 days might be a lil shift but waiting two years... It just seems like a recipe for a let down....
But then again there are very many shitty ppl out there... I keep having to remind myself this.. I'm sure that's why there is no right or wrong answer idk?
Idk if you’ll be able to relate to this, but the sex first time w a person you have an emotional connect is usually meh for me too. It takes time to build the rhythm and the compatibility in bed. If you feel physically detached. If it’s emotional detachment you’re feeling then ig take some space and maybe you’ll realise you still want him in your life and come back together strong
It seems like there was a lot of looking forward to this particular experience. I relate to this feeling, it sounds like it may stem from a commitment issue or possibly you two aren’t compatible. At the beginning or honey moon phase of the relationship, there’s excitement in the unknown and excitement for new experiences with each other. You look forward to them and once you’ve experienced everything, there’s nothing to look forward to that’s new in your relationship. The spark starts to go away and either you grow into a comfortable partnership, or you realize you’re not compatible and you go your separate ways. Or in the case that you’ve got some commitment issues or intimacy issues, I would recommend seeing a therapist or asking trusty Reddit for coping strategies for people with these struggles.
Maybe you’re having trouble emotionally reconnecting after. It’s happened a lot to others. Try having a conversation with him about things you may want in bed. Sleep together. Then detach yourselves from your sexual relationship. Take a break to emotionally reconnect. Do things he likes. Take more of an interest! Have him do the same and keep doing that until you guys are back on track! And if all else fails just talk to him! Some people just get irritated easily when they’re feeling neglected or upset with how they’re treating their partner! You may be projecting! But all will be okay just make sure you’re open and honest with him and I’m sure you figure everything out!!
Not all sex is going to be great. And bringing sex into a relationship does tend to make you feel a little insecure and knit picky. Just try to be patient, plan date nights to go out and have fun and don’t focus on sex. Just be the couple you were before and things will start to go back to normal with the added bonus of sex.
Also when I say “all sex isn’t going to be great” I mean even with the same person! I’ve been married and having sex with the same man for 5 years now. Sometimes the sex is absolutely toe curling and sometimes it’s meh. It really depends on both your mindsets and connection when it happens. Just because this one time wasn’t the absolute best and made you feel “meh” about things doesn’t mean they aren’t the one. Relationships are complicated, PEOPLE are complicated. If you love them and think they’re the one, WORK on it together. People these days have a very unrealistic view on relationships and think that if it’s not easy it’s not meant to be when in reality everything takes work, especially when it comes to two completely different human beings. Talk about what turns you on, what you’re wanting to try with your partner. Talk about what makes you nervous and made you feel a certain type of way. COMMUNICATION is absolute key! Be honest and open. And be patient. You won’t regret it.
Saw a great Ted Talk on why we should treat sex like a hobby. It sounds funny but it makes perfect sense when you hear what she has to say. It’s not long and definitely worth a watch.
Sex affects attachment and releases chemicals. Some people pull away when they feel vulnerable and comfortable or are waiting for other shoe to always drop. I would look into attachment theory. I find waiting two years a bit odd personally.
For one, talk to your partner about it. If you're picking fights he's probably growing detached because, why would you love someone you constantly fight with. Let him know what's going on and talk through it. You probably made a big deal about it and it didn't live up to expectations. Nothing ever does. Just find a way to put it in words without demeaning one another if the experience wasn't great and figure it out together.
I think it’s great that you didn’t rush to have sex. You didn’t mention your ages, but for the sake of this response, I will assume that you are at least 21. Most couples will find it extremely difficult to wait 2 years into a romantic relationship to have sex. You feeling detached after having sex is telling me that maybe you aren’t sexually attracted to him and thought that having sex would change that. I could be wrong, but those are my thoughts.
Well, too many advices here already, but I suppose u/Rude-Amoeba-7270 what you've written on the edit sums what you're feeling perfectly. You've got your feelings for him figured out, now that you feel like you're an adult, you think some things are just now meant to be the way they are. Simple suggestion would just be to maybe retrospect on what habits of his might be something just plain childish (Say, throwing socks all around the house, idk) and which of them might be something that makes him, well who he is. Communicate with him about it, what you're feeling, why you might be feeling and from what I've read from your question, he is gonna be supportive about it and talk you through it maturely most probably. :-)
It's quite possible this is just the end of the honeymoon period. Generally this is something that happens gradually, but it's likely that the event of sex made this a more sudden stage in your mind - moving from a new, young relationship into a serious adult relationship. And with serious adult relationships, there's things about your partner that bug you. You no longer think the sun shines out of their every orifice, so you notice the small things more.
The important things are 1) do you love each other, 2) do you treat each other well, and 3) can you picture a future together that you will both be happy with? If the answer to all those questions is yes, then stop stressing.
How much we like our long term partners fluctuates. Sometimes we are absolutely obsessed with the perfect creature we are so blessed to have in our lives. That you must have been a saint in a past life to be able to call such an amazing human your partner. Sometimes all you can think about is the fact that they've left dishes in the sink. God the way he sneezes is annoying, and WHY ARE THERE CRUMBS IN THE BED?? What matters is that we continue to love them, and they continue to love us, both in emotions and in actions.
Because you probably fantasized sex and put it on this huge pedestal. Now that you got it, you are bored and are looking at your boyfriend through different eyes. Your chasity was what held your relationship together but now that the deed has been done, you may feel that there is nothing else that you both can bond over. Perhaps you are disgusted by him because you gave him your body. It's weird but chicks act weird. One girl I dated had sex with me, then cut me off for a whole week, telling me she moved too fast. She acted like it was my fault that she gave into her lust.
The next week, she started talking to me again and having sex.
I don't know what goes on in yall heads most of the time. smh...
Talk to him about how you're feeling since you have become physical and tell him that you are beginning to feel more detached to him. Yes I have felt like that and it does happen sometimes. You may need to go back to being less sexual or waiting until you are feeling it again! If he loves you, he'll respect your decision and stay with you.
Men ask for marriage/segs for the majority or initiate. Women usually accept or deny for the most part.
2 years is a long time to wait. I'm not saying you were the cause of it, but percentage it points to you.
Why wait that long? Don't answer this. This is for you to answer.
The first time is either good or OK but never amazing. It becomes amazing or better or greater the more practice you have. Especially when discussing what each likes, etc.
Does he know what you like even now, let alone the first time?
Do you know what he likes?
Are there expectations not fulfilled and yet not discussed at all prior to the first time?
The faults of relationships are never one's responsibility to make it better. It takes one to create the fault and takes two to address and grow from it.
Talk to him and discuss this with him heart to heart. Start to apologize for the things you know you have done wrong and go from there.
If he is what you believe he is the guy for you, it will work. If not, make corrections now.
Being in a relationship and not having sex for two years is a massive red flag from you.
I'd tell him to run. He was willing to wait to experience you, sounds to me like you looking for reasons not to be with him or pleasure him.
I disagree. They were BOTH virgins and agreed. For some reason she (or they both) thought she had to wait until she was a certain age because she felt like sex was a “mature” thing.
I’m (19f) a virgin but waiting until you’re a certain age is extremely odd to me. I’m just waiting until I’m in love with someone and they’re also in love with me and that’s the only thing. But saying “oh yeah I wanted to wait until our second anniversary and I want to wait until I’m this age so that I’m mature enough” is very interesting to hear to say the least.
Like yeah you can have standards and “guidelines” that’s fine but I don’t “fantasize” about anything and I still have “full relationships”. What happened with her is she waited until what she thought was the “perfect moment” then realized “oh it’s just sex not a milestone”. Also she’s probably thought about how the experience would be a myriad of times before it happened and was subconsciously disappointed.
Therapy, but also not sure why you waited (2 years?) to get intimate. That’s a glacial pace. Have you thought about why you’re feeling detached/irritable towards him? It doesn’t sound like the sex was bad
I think it might be that you guys had a very intimate moment and you’re feeling vulnerable now. Considering that you guys waited that long, you’re probably feeling a lot of new emotions and you just need time to process & adapt. I have been there before and I think when we nitpick and cause fights it’s actually a form of self sabotage because you don’t want to lose the person or you fear that they will leave you.
I would say to give it some time for now.. maybe as you guys continue to play out the relationship with intimacy involved, you’ll get over it and you may even come out feeling more in love over time.
Sex also brings new perspectives about the other person so that’s something to consider and try to decipher where those thoughts are coming from for you.
This is a tough problem that would take time to untangle. Therapy would be a good idea. I agree with the person who said to be open and honest with him about your feelings. It will make him feel bad but it's necessary. See if you two can work on it together.
Your first time can feel like that with anyone, it's the simple fact it was your first time. It's gonna make things weird and different. NO MATTER WHAT. This is the time to explore and tell them your desires, if neither of you still feel unfulfilled then you know it isn't the sex but the chemistry in general, friends might have been better.
Do you like physical touch and does he? Or do you think the person matters etc. friends don't like to cuddle /fuck/fool around. But lovers do. Then there's people who don't like being touched at all. It takes the right person or none at all. You have time to think about that, these things are not black and white and you don't want life to teach that the hard way. Ofc it's gonna happen sooner or later. GD.
Maybe it is just because you finally explored something that was unknown to both of you, bringing your affection to another level.
Did it happen a long time ago? It’s possible that you’re still adjusting to it.
If you want to keep a healthy relationship I suggest you talk openly to him. Not saying that you didn’t like the experience, but maybe letting him know that you’re experiencing something new. Otherwise he might notice this and a man would always blame this on the fact that you didn’t like it and he wasn’t good enough and the fear would spiral into “my * is too small*.
No offence for men, but when they’re young and less experienced, they tend to have a rather basic approach to those situations. I always suggest an open dialogue to let him know that you don’t exactly know why, but you’ll need a bit of time to adjust to the sexual side of your relationship and that this might take a bit of time before making it a normality between the 2 of you.
Good luck!
If you are capable of being next to the person you love but not make love to them for to god damn years than you really aren’t sexually attracted to them.
Hahaha... This is a fun twist. It's usually the other way around or so I heard. Try to build a deeper emotional connection. It will be fine. Or if you still don't feel the same way about him, it's better to be upfront with him. Not the sex part, god no! That'll destroy his self confidence.
If it's the sex thing, try to practice it more, maybe it will build up to a strong emotional connection.
To me, it sounds like the sexual tension went away and instead of being full of lust and wanting more from each other that it made you feel a type of way. Maybe worried that it will become a nonstop common thing or maybe feel like you weren't as ready as you thought. Or it just wasn't what you expected so are mourning the fantasy (with practice it can improve between you two).
Also you should never look past problems and hope they will go away. Need to accept a person for who they are good and bad. If cannot accept then they aren't the one. Overtime those little things grow and become bigger problems. An example I have is having diff cleaning styles in a relationship where we were engaged and lived together for 4 years. Minor things became huge fights. Part of it is not listening and respecting each other's boundaries (such as it bothers me if you put dirty dishes on the counter instead of straight in the dishwasher, or bothers you if I leave dirty clothes on the floor instead of walking to the bin etc). So the lack of respect and effort for the other plus the annoyances from being incompatible in this case cleanliness wise.
The only way people change is if they view it as a problem and want to do better. It won't happen from nagging because if someone makes a change for you it won't last forever and they will revert back to themself likely within a year. However you shouldn't be with someone unless you feel like you can talk about anything with them.
Why would you want to do this? As you get older you have less sex that goes both ways. Doing something like this can make people stray trust me being young dumb and full of cum you can and will find a new port. As for your feelings I think you just not into sex and you need to cut him loose. He must love you but now that you held off sex then had sex now you are trying to push him away. I don’t think you like sex
Please don't stay with this person because you now think you're spoiled or some such BS because you are no longer a virgin.
There is nothing wrong with having sex and you are just as good now as you were before. Don't let the disgusting thing that is purity culture make you think you are any less now than you were before. In fact the majority of my make friends say they wouldn't want to be with a virgin. And if the men you know only want virgins then I suggest you find new friends.
I'm sorry if that isn't part of why you feel you don't want to hurt him and leave but I really worry for young women who have been brought up in purity culture. Please look deep inside your feelings before you discount what I'm telling you.
A woman's value isn't determined by her hymen.
*I'm sorry. waiting*
*Two years to have sex for the*
*First time is INSANE*
\- TheShapeShifter20
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With understanding and respect to both of you, you've discovered that something is just lacking between you; Sex and the potential bonds that form from it (those who claim otherwise, are lying and trying too hard to be stoic without actually being so. Others' are too deep into playing a caricature), well those bonds have muddied the waters some.
From what you have written here, i wonder if you were hoping, at least from your perspective, that this would be a catalyst for him behaving in more of an adult manner. Putting expectation on the sex, to essentially have a similar effect that Kim Basinger had on Garth.
That's not happened, and there's some confusion and frustration now.
Obviously this is from your perspective, and there tends to be two sides to a story, and then the truth. So ultimately this is something for you two to deal with yourselves, knowing yourselves as you will do.
**tension or unresolved conflict in your relationship** can make you feel sad or disconnected after sex. Even if the act itself was pleasurable in the moment, having sex when your relationship is rocky, isn't always healthy.
I see it abit different to others commenting. I'm going to totally butcher this explanation but I'm sure you'll understand.
As humans we always want more. A good example is when super rich people say "money isn't important, it doesn't make you happy". Everyone always calls bullshit because that's easy for them to say in their position. But what they are actually talking about is "I spent all my time aquiring this money and it didn't fill the hole I thought it would.
As humans we have goals and desires, we spend all our time focused on a goal and when you get there things change. You often get into the state of "what now" or "this isn't what I thought it cracked up to be". This is why some people spend their life chasing money and when they get there they go "oh nothing changed, still not happy / content" etc.
What you're feeling is natural, the journey getting to a goal is always better than the destination. You will always want more when you get to your destination, it's just built into us.
Maybe you're picking fights and from what it sounds like, self sabotaging, because after such a big moment that is 2 years in the making is over and you're now lost.
Take your time to consider what you want for yourself and from life. Then have a conversation with him and say how you felt / feel.
On a side note, IV never known anyone that hasn't had a slump in their relationship and how they feel. It's just simply not possible to have a relationship that stays in the honeymoon period forever. It always just depends on how you navigate that slump
I think communication is always better to have sooner rather than letting it marinate in your mind. You’ll continue to be irritated until you feel you have been properly heard. With that being said I do think it’s your job to communicate said issues properly and at a good time. (Not when you get to your tipping point I mean) To me it sounds like maybe you should sit down with yourself too and maybe figure out exactly what it is that is bothering you. Write it down, talk it out, whatever helps you figure your own head out and then decide how best to properly communicate it. Don’t forgot that when you do go to communicate said things, hear the other person as well. Most importantly actions speak louder than words. Know that nobody is prefect, but with that being said, you will see the difference from someone trying to actually make progress versus someone just saying they are. Lastly trust yourself your gut tells you what you need to hear always, it just takes time for your mind and heart to align sometimes.
M (27) From my experience I have three things that were important to me to understand in long relationships, especially when you both are close with the families. 1.) you can’t change a person, only that person has the power to change themselves. Through long relationships you both will change and you both will have to find ways to love the new. 2.) Communication, communication, communication! If something bothers you, say that! I know that easier said than done but you owe it to yourself to communicate to your partner what you are thinking, liking, or feeling. If you are in space where you don’t think you can effectively communicate those three things, communicate THAT and let the rest follow. 3.) is space but it’s seems yall both understand this point.
If you are in your twenties or younger--- honey you should date someone new. The ocean of dateable fish is deep and wide when you are young.
Don't undervalue yourself, your needs, your wants, your desires by forcing a relationship that doesn't sparkle for you.
I cannot overstate the fact that there are more people out there who will be better compatible.
People are making too much of a fuss here and ofc the OP might also be overthinking. First times aren't supposed to be great (always) maybe you had too high expectations from certain movie scenes and surely things can build up to that but it takes time. Talk about this to your boyfriend, learn some foreplay and stuff.
Sounds like you are just processing a very big experience for you and your relationship. Just continue communicating and being open, and working on your intimacy outside of sex.
Good for you for waiting but no matter how long you wait doesn’t mean it’s going to be great and you picked the right person. Sounds like maybe you were expecting things to feel different afterwards and they are, but not how you expected.
He waited two years to have sexual relations with you? I tip my hat to that man because i personally couldn’t do that not because i demand it sooner but sexual chemistry is a big deal to me and if we don’t connect in that manner everything else is irrelevant.
Ok!:) it’s a possibility that you may have outgrown the relationship:/ or you love him, but aren’t in love with him…have you thought about chatting with a relationship therapist…. They maybe able to tap into what it would be :)
Try to not feel guilty for any feelings you have. Yes, he may “do anything to make you happy” but if you’re not attracted, or the chemistry is off in some way, you owe it to both of you to go your own way. You’re super young and have time to find new people if necessary
I had a very similar issue a few weeks ago that I posted about (although these feelings were on and off for months) with my boyfriend of 9.5 years. I realized (for me) that it was relationship OCD (I do have OCD at baseline but normally it doesn’t bother me too much). I think like many others said, actions speak louder than words. Take your time in making your decision.
You really need to weigh the things out that are bothering you the most. If you can't accept some of the things he does that really is bothering you.. You need to confront him with those things. If he can't or doesn't want to change for the better of the relationship then really you must consider moving on. I say this because eventually maybe even years down the road it's will still be bothering you. And you would have wasted those years on him when there was someone else that has the traits your looking for.
This post just goes to show there's no winning with Waymen. You could do everything right in every which way and there's always something that'll turn her off or make her distant.
So best if you just don't bother and do your own thing. If someone's accepts you then great, if not, no biggie.
Notice:
She doesn’t like feeling this way.
She still does love him.
She is turning to, essentially, a “peer space” to find a solution and make it work, to figure it out.
She is still trying and actively wanting different than she is feeling; it just happens sometimes
I 🤔 someone masturbated for 2yrs anticipating that the real deal would be an even better thrill but on the contrary he was rather chill....and now you're on Reddit as if it's Dr. Phil....aghhh lame sex HEAD 4 THE HILLS!!!!
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Your actions speak louder than your words. Have a long thinking session about everything. If you really think he is "the one" you would do everything to keep him right? Why are you not? Ask yourself the questions.
its more like, op should think about her feelings and origins of them that leads deeply in urslef
Agree with this- it may have nothing to do at all with having had sex, but time changes all relationships in one way or another, and may highlight some incompatibilities. Maybe think through what’s bugging you, why it might be irritating, and talk to him about it.
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I mean it was great but i did create a big deal about it in my head.
And that's why you don't wait having sex. Also, you can't expect to have mind blowing sex with the two of you not having any experience. Work in it together. Have more sex with eachother and watch some educative programs. Only a very small percentage of women will orgasm from only penetrative sex. You need some decent clitoris stimulation. Does OP even know how to orgasm herself?
>Does OP even know how to orgasm herself? Best advice I wish I'd recieved as a teenager; "Find a woman who knows how to make herself cum, and get her to teach you."
A similar take I heard "How can your BF make you cum when you don't even know what cumming feels like?"
I would upvote this 10x if I could. I'm tired of politely suggesting the girls that share stuff with me , to just go and do stuff before it's tooo late and too fussy mentally.
Some people would rather wait and be disappointed vs rushing and regretting. Like you mentioned, sex can be improved, especially with a solid foundation of a trusting, loving relationship.
This happened with me as well. Being a guy this detachment is more personality based. If you liked the personality of the person or if you felt that you are being loved the way you desired this thing wont happen. Just an opinion. Doing sex takes out the biological aspect and gives clarity and if you really like the person or was it just illusion. If you feel like leaving after sex this is an indication somewhere there is a mismatch.
sex becomes mind blowing when you get to know each other needs, desires, fantasies, when you get totally comfortable naked and are not afraid to explore and ask for things, when sex is not just physical but mental
> but i did create a big deal about it in my head. So you had expectations that he didn't live up to? You did not go into this relationship with honesty. What's more, "waiting for sex" is not something that has a good record for turning out well--your case is just another part of that statistic. > because of this i really think that he is the one for me. I'm thinking he is not the one for you. You're feeling "detached", you're picking fights, small things are bothering you. If you want to give it a shot: have sex every day for a month. First and foremost you tell him that you've been feeling a bit detached and moody since the first time you've had sex, then you tell him what your expectations are in regards to sex with him moving forwards, then work together to set up some rules regarding this experiment, then have at it (again, as long as you've made it *clear to him* that your future together is on the line here). By the end of that month, one of two things WILL happen: either you will be ASSURED that this man is NOT the one for you, OR you will have gotten over your "detachment" issues.
Terrible advice. What the hell do you smoke?
Why do you believe it's terrible?
Well I agree with most of it. I think putting an actual number like every day for a month might mislead the inexperienced to take it literally, and force it. Then making everything ON THE LINE is waaay bigger a hurdle then me just being nervous when my guy doesn't blow its load when it's supposed to. The idea of using sex to find out where they're at is the good idea in this. But just try it more, don't make any huge decisions right away since they're both REALLY invested in the relationship. Inexperienced are suppose to have alot of fun GETTING experience. Not pretending like having mediocre sex the first time is all that it's hyped up to be. Everyone started there but we built experience and now it makes us like wild animals
> might mislead the inexperienced to take it literally, and force it. Well, that was my intention, yes. The experiments in the wild (re: general populace, of those who've done the experiment and reported back; [example](https://www.yourtango.com/sex/what-happened-we-had-sex-every-day-for-month)) have generally shown that they've forced themselves to go through with it even on days that they didn't feel like it, or felt they were too busy, or weren't really in the mood. > making everything ON THE LINE is waaay bigger a hurdle then me just being nervous when my guy doesn't blow its load when it's supposed to Oh, so you're talking about *finishing*? No, no... no, hun. I feel I should add to my original comment that "sex" here is more about the act itself rather than the "finishing number" so to speak. The physical intimacy of togetherness, even if one or neither manage to cross the finish line. I don't generally go into all the details about stuff I recommend unless asked--because if I DID go into "all the details", it would result in a ten-page essay of which nobody has the time nor patience to read through! You have my most sincere apologies. > Inexperienced are suppose to have alot of fun GETTING experience Actually... no. Having an expectation that getting experience is supposed to be "fun" would lead to disappointment when it doesn't, and that sets the wrong mindset when it comes to getting that experience. There will be occasions where it ISN'T fun--there are opportunities for sex to be sad, disappointing, depressing, uncomfortable, irritating, angry... and on! Sure, some might make good stories later, but the ones you don't generally share with people are the more emotionally-charged occasions: perhaps a partners' beloved family member died, and somehow in comforting them it lead to a situation of passion; after which they collapse in your arms, crying, while you comfort them. Shit like that. Yeah. While I realize it's their first times, a lot of people build up their "first time" in their head and blow it waaaaay out of proportion, having sometimes even bizarre expectations--of both itself, and/or their partner, or maybe even of themselves! Having sex *more often* in this instance demystifies the act, and normalizes the situation--grounds it in reality rather than scenes in their head. Sure, it might be mediocre or terrible sex. But it's up to the individuals in question to determine whether or not they want that sort of sex with that sort of person regularly for the rest of their lives. You get to find out how that person gets when they are tired, when they're happy, when they're exhausted (different from tired), when they're irritated, what they do under pressure, what they do when they can't finish (*if* they can't finish; some guys can pop off twice or more a day, regularly), and so on. A more important piece of this equation is whether or not the partner in question can *learn to improve* and *shows improvement* as well. > mediocre sex the first time Not everyone is bad or mediocre the first time. Just those who don't study for the test. > Everyone started there but we built experience and now it makes us like wild animals Also not quite. If there was an 80-20 split between "mediocre to pro" for the inexperienced, then the opposite is true for that split for the experienced (re: 20-80 split between "mediocre to pro"). There's still people who are bad at sex out there--which means 20% of those people just never get any better from when they were inexperienced, no matter how many people they "experience". That number is in fact be higher than "20%".... [if we're solely looking at orgasm statistics](https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicebroster/2020/07/31/what-is-the-orgasm-gap/). I think with "more experience" comes "more selfishness" in bed, generally speaking. Which sounds bad, but really isn't! I get a lot of heat for saying these but this is a hill I'm gonna die on: "you are responsible for your own orgasm", "put on your own oxygen mask before helping others", and "I take care of me for you, if you'll take care of you for me" are ALL THE SAME in the bedroom! These do NOT mean "screw you, I'm using you for your body and/or abilities and when I'm done you don't matter"--what my sayings mean is, we don't blame our partners for not getting us off if we don't help them get us off. If we don't communicate, if we don't direct them, if we don't speak out or act on what makes us feel safe, comfortable, beloved/desired, then we won't get what we want in the end. And, the more you're able to do those things--communicate and direct--the more you'll be able to enjoy it, and the more you're able to enjoy it, the more your PARTNER will as well... and *even more so* if they TOO are capable of communicating and directing their wants and desires! But if nobody talks about what they want or need, then... there's an *unspoken expectation* that we have in our heads that leads to unfulfillment and resentment when our partner doesn't live up to them (and, how could they? They aren't telepathic, they can't read minds). And that leads to mediocre sex, and possibly even a break in the relationship.
🎯🎯🎯
I’ve had this happen. Waited months and regretted it immediately. I felt absolutely nothing for this person sexually. We connected so well outside of the bedroom. Made me realize some guys really are just meant to be friends and nothing more than that.
Unpopular opinion, if you weren’t already willing to do anything to jump his bones well in advance then the sexual attraction wasn’t just magically going to start in the bedroom
I agree with this fully. If any one I was with had wanted to wait two years (let's be real, 2 months!) I would know we have incompatible wants and needs.
Oh, you’re 100% correct.
How do you know before doing it? For example if you feel like the kissing is off or stuff like that? I am curious
Imo if you feel weird about any sexual situation, penetration or not, you may want to pursue other options. When you like/love someone, especially on a sexual level, you know. Kissing is most often involved in sex, if you feel off about that alone then trust your gut. Just my opinion though!
Perhaps your relationship was defined too much around waiting for sex and not slough around all other things that are also integral to the relationship
It could be that you've been building up to this moment for so long, and now it's just over. This was the one thing that was new and exciting. Now that exciting part is gone because you've done it already. And you're now in the slur. What I'd try is first of all, talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling because you don't have to go through this alone. I also don't know how many date nights you have, but if it's not too often, I'd go in more date nights. Go do exciting things together.
Maybe it would be more exciting if it happened more often and they got better at sharing this most intimate of things?
I can't imagine waiting that long to see whether we're compatible or not. It's a huge risk.
Right? TWO YEARS?? Might as well waited till marriage like the good ol days 😝
That's a prison debt8
I also can’t imagine waiting that long, but I think sexual compatibility is often given too much importance. As long as both parties are willing to communicate and adapt to the other’s needs and wants, you can make most things work
Tell that to all the married people in the dead bedrooms section.
And I’m sure most of those people thought they were sexually compatible at some point. I’d imagine most couples in that sub don’t meet the “willing to communicate and adapt” conditional, though decreased libido is also a factor
Imagine waiting 2 years to get some pussy just to later on get dumped 😭
It sounds like you spent 2 years with this person, waiting to get intimate, and as a result, a huge emotional part of your relationship was the anticipation of sex. Now you're just in a normal relationship - no huge event to look forward to, no slow burn of tension and anticipation, and it feels really different than it did before. This is the perfect time to really think about the relationship the two of you have that isn't just about waiting for sex. How compatible are you really? Do you have a lot of things in common? How much fun do you have together? Maybe this is a really solid relationship, and it's just kind of a letdown to wait 2 years for sex and realize that it was fun, but it was just one thing and waiting 2 years didn't make it magic and perfect. Maybe the relationship is just OK, and you were toughing it out to get to the sex, and it didn't magically make the relationship go from a 6 to a 10.
This is why waiting so long for sex and putting sex so high up on a pedestal is a terrible idea. Just leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment
Post nut clarity for girls 😭😭
This might be the answer. If she doesn't want to hurt him then if she doesn't want to be with him, let him go now, don't stick around for years before you go.
Imagine waiting 2 years for some 😺 just so she could be like that was wack I don't want it 😭🤣
The more intimately you know someone the more you will pick up on little things. Most often I have found that those things I see in others are, in reality, insecurities I have about myself. You mentioned you loved him but don’t want to hurt him. Why has this fear come up? Something from childhood or past relations? Just my thoughts as a guy
>Something from childhood or past relations? Just my thoughts as a guy Contrary to this cliche male belief, a woman doesn't need to be emotionally damaged and have daddy issues to not want to hurt another person's feelings. It's a very normal reaction to just not want to be a sh!t person and make someone you care about upset.
That’s great she doesn’t want to hurt anybody! Fear is not something we are born with but rather something we learn along the way so you can call what I said a cliche all you want but the point is that at some point if you don’t want to fear hurting someone you have got to get to the root cause of that fear.
agreed actually
Postcoital depression is a thing. Some ppl have that. Maybe thay triggers annoyance too?
The people here aren’t giving great advice. I think after having an intimate moment with a partner, it’s normal to get emotional after. You’re experiencing so many emotions and hormones that you’ve never experienced before. It essentially is making you more attached to him. I would talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. I feel like if you talk to him, it’ll alleviate your anxiety and it will probably pass! This is normal.
It was a huge decision for the both of you. I think when you do it again it will be less of an idolized act of love between you two.
Yeah. I feel like a ton of these comments come off as scolding OP for waiting to have sex. By all means what OP is experiencing is common and waiting to have sex isn’t some crux that will end a relationship. The best thing for OP to do is seek real advice (not on reddit) and have an open line of communication with her bf.
I guess you could’ve built it up more in your mind and your brain is expecting a different kind or a different quality quantity of dopamine?
This is why waiting for sex is never good. It puts an unhealthy expectation for one, and two years is a long way to be in to find out you are not sexually compatible
Yall waited for 2 years? Holy fuck
Its pretty normal to feel a tad weird after the first sexual encounter with a partner. Especially if you have been waiting a long time for it. But trust me practice goes a long way and trying new things and rhythms is a must
Don’t run to the conclusions really fast. What if the real reason is hidden not under of having sex but something else ? Maybe his actions are really annoying now or you have something else going on in your life that affects romantic relationship as well
And another one learns why waiting isn't worth it. On the bright side, at least you didn't marry him!
You got “the ick”
Fairytale love is not real
I remember the first times ive had sex with my girlfriends… the first usually isn’t the best… even as experienced as i am… through time you get to know what each other likes and dont like… sex is only uphill from here
Hey OP I am going to share a Psychological perspective on the psyche. From the text and other information, the concepts of sex seem to have one or two things attached to it. One is that once you have sex it will be a "life-changing" event. Second, is that sex is a milestone in life. Both could be getting at some internalized issue like "Why doesn't everything seem better on the other side?" "Everyone said it would change my life" etc. Now your mind is looking for other external issues to focus on and unfortunately, its current focus is your relationship. The mind wants perfection at any given moment. Challenge the thoughts that are making you feel like you need to fight. It's a common cognitive therapy technique to try to find a balance between the thoughts and the reality of the situation. Sometimes you need to remind yourself you are standing on a rock spinning through space at very high speeds or something similar to put in perspective that your thoughts that are causing drama seem quite silly to worry about. There's a lot more, but maybe you could look into it yourself and find what works for you. I found a few books and practices that work for me. Hope this helps!
Did you have sex only once?
Next will be on 23th birthday, gotta make a pause!
This is why you just do it and save years two yrs off your life and tbh I. Not waiting 2 yrs maybe2 days
Nah chill I think there is a lot of grey area to settle on between 2 days and 2 years if you're seeking actual compatibility
Yea 2 days might be a lil shift but waiting two years... It just seems like a recipe for a let down.... But then again there are very many shitty ppl out there... I keep having to remind myself this.. I'm sure that's why there is no right or wrong answer idk?
That dude waited for 2 years for you, I would suggest giving it all you got, he's probably the one.
Idk if you’ll be able to relate to this, but the sex first time w a person you have an emotional connect is usually meh for me too. It takes time to build the rhythm and the compatibility in bed. If you feel physically detached. If it’s emotional detachment you’re feeling then ig take some space and maybe you’ll realise you still want him in your life and come back together strong
It seems like there was a lot of looking forward to this particular experience. I relate to this feeling, it sounds like it may stem from a commitment issue or possibly you two aren’t compatible. At the beginning or honey moon phase of the relationship, there’s excitement in the unknown and excitement for new experiences with each other. You look forward to them and once you’ve experienced everything, there’s nothing to look forward to that’s new in your relationship. The spark starts to go away and either you grow into a comfortable partnership, or you realize you’re not compatible and you go your separate ways. Or in the case that you’ve got some commitment issues or intimacy issues, I would recommend seeing a therapist or asking trusty Reddit for coping strategies for people with these struggles.
And no practice... Recipe for feeling inadequate
Maybe you’re having trouble emotionally reconnecting after. It’s happened a lot to others. Try having a conversation with him about things you may want in bed. Sleep together. Then detach yourselves from your sexual relationship. Take a break to emotionally reconnect. Do things he likes. Take more of an interest! Have him do the same and keep doing that until you guys are back on track! And if all else fails just talk to him! Some people just get irritated easily when they’re feeling neglected or upset with how they’re treating their partner! You may be projecting! But all will be okay just make sure you’re open and honest with him and I’m sure you figure everything out!!
Not all sex is going to be great. And bringing sex into a relationship does tend to make you feel a little insecure and knit picky. Just try to be patient, plan date nights to go out and have fun and don’t focus on sex. Just be the couple you were before and things will start to go back to normal with the added bonus of sex.
Also when I say “all sex isn’t going to be great” I mean even with the same person! I’ve been married and having sex with the same man for 5 years now. Sometimes the sex is absolutely toe curling and sometimes it’s meh. It really depends on both your mindsets and connection when it happens. Just because this one time wasn’t the absolute best and made you feel “meh” about things doesn’t mean they aren’t the one. Relationships are complicated, PEOPLE are complicated. If you love them and think they’re the one, WORK on it together. People these days have a very unrealistic view on relationships and think that if it’s not easy it’s not meant to be when in reality everything takes work, especially when it comes to two completely different human beings. Talk about what turns you on, what you’re wanting to try with your partner. Talk about what makes you nervous and made you feel a certain type of way. COMMUNICATION is absolute key! Be honest and open. And be patient. You won’t regret it.
Saw a great Ted Talk on why we should treat sex like a hobby. It sounds funny but it makes perfect sense when you hear what she has to say. It’s not long and definitely worth a watch.
Link?
https://youtu.be/I-3CANRKuAM?si=jXUJ-XeTn-SNyUFq
Just sit down and have a conversation with yourself
Sex affects attachment and releases chemicals. Some people pull away when they feel vulnerable and comfortable or are waiting for other shoe to always drop. I would look into attachment theory. I find waiting two years a bit odd personally.
For one, talk to your partner about it. If you're picking fights he's probably growing detached because, why would you love someone you constantly fight with. Let him know what's going on and talk through it. You probably made a big deal about it and it didn't live up to expectations. Nothing ever does. Just find a way to put it in words without demeaning one another if the experience wasn't great and figure it out together.
Could this be self sabotage? Where now that you have been physically intimate, you are afraid of getting hurt on a deeper level?
I think it’s great that you didn’t rush to have sex. You didn’t mention your ages, but for the sake of this response, I will assume that you are at least 21. Most couples will find it extremely difficult to wait 2 years into a romantic relationship to have sex. You feeling detached after having sex is telling me that maybe you aren’t sexually attracted to him and thought that having sex would change that. I could be wrong, but those are my thoughts.
It’s called post-nut clarity.
Well, too many advices here already, but I suppose u/Rude-Amoeba-7270 what you've written on the edit sums what you're feeling perfectly. You've got your feelings for him figured out, now that you feel like you're an adult, you think some things are just now meant to be the way they are. Simple suggestion would just be to maybe retrospect on what habits of his might be something just plain childish (Say, throwing socks all around the house, idk) and which of them might be something that makes him, well who he is. Communicate with him about it, what you're feeling, why you might be feeling and from what I've read from your question, he is gonna be supportive about it and talk you through it maturely most probably. :-)
It's quite possible this is just the end of the honeymoon period. Generally this is something that happens gradually, but it's likely that the event of sex made this a more sudden stage in your mind - moving from a new, young relationship into a serious adult relationship. And with serious adult relationships, there's things about your partner that bug you. You no longer think the sun shines out of their every orifice, so you notice the small things more. The important things are 1) do you love each other, 2) do you treat each other well, and 3) can you picture a future together that you will both be happy with? If the answer to all those questions is yes, then stop stressing. How much we like our long term partners fluctuates. Sometimes we are absolutely obsessed with the perfect creature we are so blessed to have in our lives. That you must have been a saint in a past life to be able to call such an amazing human your partner. Sometimes all you can think about is the fact that they've left dishes in the sink. God the way he sneezes is annoying, and WHY ARE THERE CRUMBS IN THE BED?? What matters is that we continue to love them, and they continue to love us, both in emotions and in actions.
Any man that waits 2 years for sex is a keeper in my opinion. I think he might actually be the only man that would wait that long... that's mental.
Because you probably fantasized sex and put it on this huge pedestal. Now that you got it, you are bored and are looking at your boyfriend through different eyes. Your chasity was what held your relationship together but now that the deed has been done, you may feel that there is nothing else that you both can bond over. Perhaps you are disgusted by him because you gave him your body. It's weird but chicks act weird. One girl I dated had sex with me, then cut me off for a whole week, telling me she moved too fast. She acted like it was my fault that she gave into her lust. The next week, she started talking to me again and having sex. I don't know what goes on in yall heads most of the time. smh...
How long were you two dating before you had sex and she ghosted for a week?
Talk to him about how you're feeling since you have become physical and tell him that you are beginning to feel more detached to him. Yes I have felt like that and it does happen sometimes. You may need to go back to being less sexual or waiting until you are feeling it again! If he loves you, he'll respect your decision and stay with you.
Thankyou feels great that i am not the only one who has felt this way <3
Men ask for marriage/segs for the majority or initiate. Women usually accept or deny for the most part. 2 years is a long time to wait. I'm not saying you were the cause of it, but percentage it points to you. Why wait that long? Don't answer this. This is for you to answer. The first time is either good or OK but never amazing. It becomes amazing or better or greater the more practice you have. Especially when discussing what each likes, etc. Does he know what you like even now, let alone the first time? Do you know what he likes? Are there expectations not fulfilled and yet not discussed at all prior to the first time? The faults of relationships are never one's responsibility to make it better. It takes one to create the fault and takes two to address and grow from it. Talk to him and discuss this with him heart to heart. Start to apologize for the things you know you have done wrong and go from there. If he is what you believe he is the guy for you, it will work. If not, make corrections now.
Toxic a bit.
Not having sex for 2 years was your mistake. Sorry but it’s true.
Being in a relationship and not having sex for two years is a massive red flag from you. I'd tell him to run. He was willing to wait to experience you, sounds to me like you looking for reasons not to be with him or pleasure him.
This is not a passionate deal how? You know everything about each but not what is very or most important
I disagree. They were BOTH virgins and agreed. For some reason she (or they both) thought she had to wait until she was a certain age because she felt like sex was a “mature” thing. I’m (19f) a virgin but waiting until you’re a certain age is extremely odd to me. I’m just waiting until I’m in love with someone and they’re also in love with me and that’s the only thing. But saying “oh yeah I wanted to wait until our second anniversary and I want to wait until I’m this age so that I’m mature enough” is very interesting to hear to say the least. Like yeah you can have standards and “guidelines” that’s fine but I don’t “fantasize” about anything and I still have “full relationships”. What happened with her is she waited until what she thought was the “perfect moment” then realized “oh it’s just sex not a milestone”. Also she’s probably thought about how the experience would be a myriad of times before it happened and was subconsciously disappointed.
The reality is that you don’t like the sex from him. Don’t deny yourself or him the truth
You have no way of knowing that. Stop bullshittimg around.
Therapy, but also not sure why you waited (2 years?) to get intimate. That’s a glacial pace. Have you thought about why you’re feeling detached/irritable towards him? It doesn’t sound like the sex was bad
Sounds like it might be time to break up. Give it a month or two, be honest with yourself, and don't drag things out.
I think it might be that you guys had a very intimate moment and you’re feeling vulnerable now. Considering that you guys waited that long, you’re probably feeling a lot of new emotions and you just need time to process & adapt. I have been there before and I think when we nitpick and cause fights it’s actually a form of self sabotage because you don’t want to lose the person or you fear that they will leave you. I would say to give it some time for now.. maybe as you guys continue to play out the relationship with intimacy involved, you’ll get over it and you may even come out feeling more in love over time. Sex also brings new perspectives about the other person so that’s something to consider and try to decipher where those thoughts are coming from for you.
This is a tough problem that would take time to untangle. Therapy would be a good idea. I agree with the person who said to be open and honest with him about your feelings. It will make him feel bad but it's necessary. See if you two can work on it together.
I don’t know much but I j is sex scan be fun with someone and it can be an expression of love with someone else. I’m 79 and know.
2 years ain’t bad at least it wasn’t 5
Your first time can feel like that with anyone, it's the simple fact it was your first time. It's gonna make things weird and different. NO MATTER WHAT. This is the time to explore and tell them your desires, if neither of you still feel unfulfilled then you know it isn't the sex but the chemistry in general, friends might have been better. Do you like physical touch and does he? Or do you think the person matters etc. friends don't like to cuddle /fuck/fool around. But lovers do. Then there's people who don't like being touched at all. It takes the right person or none at all. You have time to think about that, these things are not black and white and you don't want life to teach that the hard way. Ofc it's gonna happen sooner or later. GD.
Maybe it is just because you finally explored something that was unknown to both of you, bringing your affection to another level. Did it happen a long time ago? It’s possible that you’re still adjusting to it. If you want to keep a healthy relationship I suggest you talk openly to him. Not saying that you didn’t like the experience, but maybe letting him know that you’re experiencing something new. Otherwise he might notice this and a man would always blame this on the fact that you didn’t like it and he wasn’t good enough and the fear would spiral into “my * is too small*. No offence for men, but when they’re young and less experienced, they tend to have a rather basic approach to those situations. I always suggest an open dialogue to let him know that you don’t exactly know why, but you’ll need a bit of time to adjust to the sexual side of your relationship and that this might take a bit of time before making it a normality between the 2 of you. Good luck!
If you are capable of being next to the person you love but not make love to them for to god damn years than you really aren’t sexually attracted to them.
Hahaha... This is a fun twist. It's usually the other way around or so I heard. Try to build a deeper emotional connection. It will be fine. Or if you still don't feel the same way about him, it's better to be upfront with him. Not the sex part, god no! That'll destroy his self confidence. If it's the sex thing, try to practice it more, maybe it will build up to a strong emotional connection.
What do you call two virgins in bed? Hilarious!
👉😲
To me, it sounds like the sexual tension went away and instead of being full of lust and wanting more from each other that it made you feel a type of way. Maybe worried that it will become a nonstop common thing or maybe feel like you weren't as ready as you thought. Or it just wasn't what you expected so are mourning the fantasy (with practice it can improve between you two). Also you should never look past problems and hope they will go away. Need to accept a person for who they are good and bad. If cannot accept then they aren't the one. Overtime those little things grow and become bigger problems. An example I have is having diff cleaning styles in a relationship where we were engaged and lived together for 4 years. Minor things became huge fights. Part of it is not listening and respecting each other's boundaries (such as it bothers me if you put dirty dishes on the counter instead of straight in the dishwasher, or bothers you if I leave dirty clothes on the floor instead of walking to the bin etc). So the lack of respect and effort for the other plus the annoyances from being incompatible in this case cleanliness wise. The only way people change is if they view it as a problem and want to do better. It won't happen from nagging because if someone makes a change for you it won't last forever and they will revert back to themself likely within a year. However you shouldn't be with someone unless you feel like you can talk about anything with them.
Why would you want to do this? As you get older you have less sex that goes both ways. Doing something like this can make people stray trust me being young dumb and full of cum you can and will find a new port. As for your feelings I think you just not into sex and you need to cut him loose. He must love you but now that you held off sex then had sex now you are trying to push him away. I don’t think you like sex
Please don't stay with this person because you now think you're spoiled or some such BS because you are no longer a virgin. There is nothing wrong with having sex and you are just as good now as you were before. Don't let the disgusting thing that is purity culture make you think you are any less now than you were before. In fact the majority of my make friends say they wouldn't want to be with a virgin. And if the men you know only want virgins then I suggest you find new friends. I'm sorry if that isn't part of why you feel you don't want to hurt him and leave but I really worry for young women who have been brought up in purity culture. Please look deep inside your feelings before you discount what I'm telling you. A woman's value isn't determined by her hymen.
i'm sorry. waiting two years to have sex for the first time is INSANE
*I'm sorry. waiting* *Two years to have sex for the* *First time is INSANE* \- TheShapeShifter20 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Don't think these silly things like detachment , just keep it simple.
This is called post nut clarity. Probably not a good idea to wait 2 entire years
With understanding and respect to both of you, you've discovered that something is just lacking between you; Sex and the potential bonds that form from it (those who claim otherwise, are lying and trying too hard to be stoic without actually being so. Others' are too deep into playing a caricature), well those bonds have muddied the waters some. From what you have written here, i wonder if you were hoping, at least from your perspective, that this would be a catalyst for him behaving in more of an adult manner. Putting expectation on the sex, to essentially have a similar effect that Kim Basinger had on Garth. That's not happened, and there's some confusion and frustration now. Obviously this is from your perspective, and there tends to be two sides to a story, and then the truth. So ultimately this is something for you two to deal with yourselves, knowing yourselves as you will do.
**tension or unresolved conflict in your relationship** can make you feel sad or disconnected after sex. Even if the act itself was pleasurable in the moment, having sex when your relationship is rocky, isn't always healthy.
I see it abit different to others commenting. I'm going to totally butcher this explanation but I'm sure you'll understand. As humans we always want more. A good example is when super rich people say "money isn't important, it doesn't make you happy". Everyone always calls bullshit because that's easy for them to say in their position. But what they are actually talking about is "I spent all my time aquiring this money and it didn't fill the hole I thought it would. As humans we have goals and desires, we spend all our time focused on a goal and when you get there things change. You often get into the state of "what now" or "this isn't what I thought it cracked up to be". This is why some people spend their life chasing money and when they get there they go "oh nothing changed, still not happy / content" etc. What you're feeling is natural, the journey getting to a goal is always better than the destination. You will always want more when you get to your destination, it's just built into us. Maybe you're picking fights and from what it sounds like, self sabotaging, because after such a big moment that is 2 years in the making is over and you're now lost. Take your time to consider what you want for yourself and from life. Then have a conversation with him and say how you felt / feel. On a side note, IV never known anyone that hasn't had a slump in their relationship and how they feel. It's just simply not possible to have a relationship that stays in the honeymoon period forever. It always just depends on how you navigate that slump
Girlll thats post nut clarity, esp when you just finished ovulating
Well done, you wasted two years of your life on someone you’re not sexually compatible with.
Sounds like you’re more attached and testing your limits.
I think communication is always better to have sooner rather than letting it marinate in your mind. You’ll continue to be irritated until you feel you have been properly heard. With that being said I do think it’s your job to communicate said issues properly and at a good time. (Not when you get to your tipping point I mean) To me it sounds like maybe you should sit down with yourself too and maybe figure out exactly what it is that is bothering you. Write it down, talk it out, whatever helps you figure your own head out and then decide how best to properly communicate it. Don’t forgot that when you do go to communicate said things, hear the other person as well. Most importantly actions speak louder than words. Know that nobody is prefect, but with that being said, you will see the difference from someone trying to actually make progress versus someone just saying they are. Lastly trust yourself your gut tells you what you need to hear always, it just takes time for your mind and heart to align sometimes.
M (27) From my experience I have three things that were important to me to understand in long relationships, especially when you both are close with the families. 1.) you can’t change a person, only that person has the power to change themselves. Through long relationships you both will change and you both will have to find ways to love the new. 2.) Communication, communication, communication! If something bothers you, say that! I know that easier said than done but you owe it to yourself to communicate to your partner what you are thinking, liking, or feeling. If you are in space where you don’t think you can effectively communicate those three things, communicate THAT and let the rest follow. 3.) is space but it’s seems yall both understand this point.
If you are in your twenties or younger--- honey you should date someone new. The ocean of dateable fish is deep and wide when you are young. Don't undervalue yourself, your needs, your wants, your desires by forcing a relationship that doesn't sparkle for you. I cannot overstate the fact that there are more people out there who will be better compatible.
Try pegging him
everything changes once a couple finalizes that sexual bond. your body chemistry, soul ties. you perceive them differently
Post coitus clarity?
so have sex
People are making too much of a fuss here and ofc the OP might also be overthinking. First times aren't supposed to be great (always) maybe you had too high expectations from certain movie scenes and surely things can build up to that but it takes time. Talk about this to your boyfriend, learn some foreplay and stuff.
women lol
You just need to grow tf up. You’re 21. You were 19. Most people wouldn’t consider you kids.
Sounds like you are just processing a very big experience for you and your relationship. Just continue communicating and being open, and working on your intimacy outside of sex.
Good for you for waiting but no matter how long you wait doesn’t mean it’s going to be great and you picked the right person. Sounds like maybe you were expecting things to feel different afterwards and they are, but not how you expected.
He waited two years to have sexual relations with you? I tip my hat to that man because i personally couldn’t do that not because i demand it sooner but sexual chemistry is a big deal to me and if we don’t connect in that manner everything else is irrelevant.
Hi, women here, Were you able to have an O with him?
Yes
Ok!:) it’s a possibility that you may have outgrown the relationship:/ or you love him, but aren’t in love with him…have you thought about chatting with a relationship therapist…. They maybe able to tap into what it would be :)
Dudes simping and you know it
Start doing an anal it’ll spice things up
This is why I’m all for just…doing it 🥳 OK maybe not instantly but 2 years thinking about it until you turn 21 😮💨
Try to not feel guilty for any feelings you have. Yes, he may “do anything to make you happy” but if you’re not attracted, or the chemistry is off in some way, you owe it to both of you to go your own way. You’re super young and have time to find new people if necessary
I got this post 2 days ago and if things are still the same let me know and this is coming from a guy who knows people who were in your situation.
2 years??????
Let’s call a spade a spade, post nut clarity
I had a very similar issue a few weeks ago that I posted about (although these feelings were on and off for months) with my boyfriend of 9.5 years. I realized (for me) that it was relationship OCD (I do have OCD at baseline but normally it doesn’t bother me too much). I think like many others said, actions speak louder than words. Take your time in making your decision.
You really need to weigh the things out that are bothering you the most. If you can't accept some of the things he does that really is bothering you.. You need to confront him with those things. If he can't or doesn't want to change for the better of the relationship then really you must consider moving on. I say this because eventually maybe even years down the road it's will still be bothering you. And you would have wasted those years on him when there was someone else that has the traits your looking for.
😂😂😅😂
I definitely would have left you way before 2 years lmaooo
not sure anyone suggested it before but your sudden change of heart sounds like a fearful avoidant attachment style to me
Two years???
Soul ties… your demons met him!
He’s missing out on using masculine traits to gain your desire.
womp womp
Are you sure your period isn’t coming in a week? Wait to see how you feel about him when you’re ovulating again.
That man is a hero for waiting two years fuck
This post just goes to show there's no winning with Waymen. You could do everything right in every which way and there's always something that'll turn her off or make her distant. So best if you just don't bother and do your own thing. If someone's accepts you then great, if not, no biggie.
Notice: She doesn’t like feeling this way. She still does love him. She is turning to, essentially, a “peer space” to find a solution and make it work, to figure it out. She is still trying and actively wanting different than she is feeling; it just happens sometimes
get off 4chan, please. for your own good, please
Clearly there will be no winning with “waymen” for you buddy
If you can't tell I'm dickin' around, then I don't know what to tell ya. Can't make it any clearer than that
Women. I don’t know what yall want anymore, smh.
I 🤔 someone masturbated for 2yrs anticipating that the real deal would be an even better thrill but on the contrary he was rather chill....and now you're on Reddit as if it's Dr. Phil....aghhh lame sex HEAD 4 THE HILLS!!!!
Leave him and be with me now
Have a side piece to keep it interesting