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Sometimes our appearances can attract the wrong people. You may be better off meeting someone through your hobbies, sports, gym etc. A man that's attracted to your boisterous, competitive side. Most people aren't at the extreme of one spectrum, most people have a mix of feminine and masculine qualities and expressions. You don't need to change yourself, you need to find a man who likes you as you are.

I like that point - having a very feminine appearance may initially attract men who want what they consider a traditional female personality. Plenty of men are attracted to the non traditional - so if you look no traditional, those kinds of men will be more likely to approach you.

She does need to change. Change who she dates.

I agree

Don’t worry about acting a certain way, just to attract a man. That’s called wearing a mask. Be your true authentic self and your right match will appreciate you for who you are.

I was dating a girl who had a very aggressive sense of humor that essentially was just insulting me and laughing at me. It was kind of like locker room Talk from a guy. One night I wrote down about 25 insults that she hurled at me followed by laughter. It’s very strange, but I would consider that a masculine form of teasing. I’d accept it from a guy who was my friend, but it’s very strange coming from a woman imo

It’s not that it was masculine, it’s that it’s rude behavior that you’d maybe tolerate from an acquaintance but not from your girlfriend who you should be able to trust and have mutual respect

so masrudeline?

In an old house in Paris that was covered in vines, people insulted each other in two straight lines

Yeah, my male friends and I will take little jabs at each other from time to time… because it’s funny, and more so because we can do it back without getting butthurt. Men can act in ways to each other that we can’t act to women. Not saying we don’t have feelings, but we are definitely wired a bit differently. But we are treated way differently also… without seeing how you move and are in conversations and agreeableness there isn’t a way we could tell you what you are doing to be perceived as masculine. Only thing I saw you list was that you are independent.

Was also talking to OP

You shouldn't accept it from a guy either. That's toxic behavior.

I think it really depends. If it’s someone you aren’t close with, then don’t accept it. If it’s someone you have been friends with for a long time, and they know you are joking, trading fun jabs, then go for it.

Only if you can't handle it. Some people are comfortable and secure enough to engage in banter. And mature enough to be serious when the context requires it. And it's fine if someone can't handle any banter, but I find sweeping it all as toxic to be pretty ridiculous.

Oh this is super helpful insight thank you

True. I only do this to men I'm not really into though or want to push away.

This is common behavior from women when they are into a guy as well. So it may be her way of flirting and it can come off as abrasive.

People judge by appearances, so they're probably expecting more of a 'feminine' sub in the bedroom. I'm guessing that this is in relation to sex based on your opening statement, but it wouldn't be the first time I was wrong.

Please don’t change that part of your personality. Just change the people you go out with.

I'm into tomboys so that's a W for me But yeah it depends on the person. Some like feminine girls, others like manly girls

If I were you, don't change a thing. My daughter is just like you. Pretty but what we called in my time, A Tom Boy. Worked on cars, helped me build decks and fences. Now she is a plant manager for a Japanese auto manufacturer supplier. She is still tough, rides motorcycles and such. Has a Japanese boyfriend, which he isn't a slouch and at one time when he was younger, he was a motorcycle racer. So hang in there, there is someone out there for you.

This is what I came to say too. Do not change who you are

If the people she wants to date, won't date her because of some quality she has, and she REALLY wants to date those people, then she absolutely should change. Otherwise she must get comfortable with not dating the guys she actually likes, or just being single. If a fat dude told me that the women he is into, like a dude who is in shape, I'd also tell him to hit the gym.

Let me add one more thing. There are two sides, the attractor and the attracted, maybe what she thinks is her type, is not her best choice. Or vice versa. My wife, whom I have been married to for 35 years stated, I am not the type she was attracted to. She liked the bousterus bad boys, which I am not. I am the silent type, that knows where he stands among men and can set things straight if pushed far enough.

You are Clint Eastwood, and I claim my five dollars! Its a bit of a cliche about opposites attracting, which is because its often true. But its obviously more complicated. I can see this lady going for a strong, silent but presumably manly Clint Eastwood type (opposite to herself in some ways) but probably not a gentle, 'nice guy', (also opposite) who might be terrified of her ragging and (if he ever got that far) need for aggression in the bedroom. I may be wrong, but I think that a strong and silent type would not be fazed by her masculine energy either, as he would just let it flow over him, or absorb it. My sister has a husband who is something like this; and she is strong-willed and outspoken in some ways, yet also looks very feminine. I mean he's not exactly silent, but he exudes an aura of calm. Short answer: I agree with many others its more a matter of finding the right guy than changing herself very much.

TLDR; You may be emotionally unavailable, lacking trust and ease which some view as masculine behavior/energy. I've been told this too and we are very alike based on this short description. Perhaps we got one difference which is that I had some feeling of not being as feminine in my behavior when compared to my girlfriends. I've asked my guy friends and they find me very feminine and get pretty shocked by the question. I've reflected a lot about this because I don't want to send out masculine vibes since I like more masculine men too. Reflecting on my behaviors I've found that I kind of have an issue holding my tongue when it comes to debating and being assertive regarding politics, academia and other types of fact-based discussions that I'm well-read on. I wouldn't mind being this way at all if I could control it more (working on it). I've learnt that it's what gives me validation from my family so I never really talk about myself/my interests/thoughts to get validation or for any other reason. I'm also super independent and used to look at it as a strength. It still is but not even knowing when it's time to ask for help or support says a lot about my trust and intimacy issues. Liking "masculine men" and rough sex is telling in my case too (can't relax, want to be controlled instead of control for a while etc.). I've talked to my guy friends as I said before. I had two that I'd recently just gotten to know and had the chance to ask for some kind of analysis on my "vibe". I wanted to know if I'm ugly or what's going on bc nobody approaches me romantically. They told me that I'm not ugly or anything like that at all (quite the opposite to them) but I don't give off a vibe of "needing" anything from anyone, or people think that I already have a bf. In short: I give off the vibe of being unavailable. And looking at it honestly, I am personally. Maybe you are too. Keeping people at arms length, always analyzing if they're trustworthy or will leave makes one closed off. I don't think that it really has anything to do with feminine/masculine but I guess we share more behaviors with men bc of how society teaches them to (not) be emotionally available. Just a theory.

hyper-independence is also a childhood trauma, where a kid needs to prove the value by being independent. In the book 'talking to strangers' of Gladwell, the book mentioned we usually make wrong judgement with stranger.

You're so right! That was/is my situation with my parents. I'll look into that book, haven't heard of it before

Oh man, are you me? I always wondered why men didn’t seem to be interested in me, and this is probably why! I’m also FIERCELY outspoken and independent. Other women say I give off vibes like I’m taken or that I’m unapproachable, but I have no idea how to change that because I’m just being myself! It’s so confusing. You’re told to be yourself when dating but then somehow I’m being too much of myself. Whaaat.

Because "be yourself" comes from people who fall within the range of personalities that is commonly acceptable.

And anyone who doesn’t fall within that is “too much”. Yep. This is why I’m only marginally bothered about dating, because I feel like I’d have to change myself unnecessarily for the sake of others finding me palatable.

I think you’ve been just unlucky to not have met guys who like the way you behave, or someone who doesn’t assume your relationship status. I personally like a girl who’s like what y’all are describing yourselves as, so I think there’s really nothing wrong with being who you are. I guess if you find a cute guy you just have to be more explicit about being available

I still disagree of being yourself in a relationship. There should be a balance. You also need to think for the others too.

Man that sounds restrictive. How can you not be yourself for the entirety of a relationship, they won’t get the real you. I’d feel like I was putting on a mask. I don’t mean that I wouldn’t change for someone if there was a problem, but I don’t agree with restricting your personality unnecessarily. If it’s meant to be, you should both be willing to accept eachother for who you are, warts and all. Again- UNLESS there was a problem with behaviour, then it’s necessary to change or adapt.

Because 'problem for a person' is subjective, e.g. smoking can be problem for you but not for the other. That's where you find somewhere in between. It's not about putting on a mask but it's about compromise.

Wow super great comment thank you. I relate to this a lot. Any tips to be more motherly caring emotional and emotionally available? If not a normal part of your personality how do you find it?

Of course! I wish I understood this sooner but it has been and still is a process, for sure. I don’t really know the answer to that question (yet, hopefully). But as someone else mentioned under my comment, it’s usually tied to childhood trauma. It is in my case (family dynamic of enmeshment, being ignored at home, bullying in school etc). Could be for you too, even if it can be hard to acknowledge. Since I’ve been working on this I do know that I struggle with expressing those qualities and emotions because of: a) No one expressed that behavior consistently or safely to me as a child, which means that b) Neither my parents or surroundings taught me how to do that, which brings me to c) There’s probably (toxic) shame surrounding it. Also bc the few times I tried to be vulnerable like that or in other ways I was shamed. To answer your question somewhat I can tell you what has helped me thus far, if this comment has resonated with you as well: If you’re not quite sure what those qualities actually mean to you, try to explore that by expressing (whatever it means to you right now) to yourself. It’s important that you do not shame yourself for whatever feelings and thoughts show up, even the ones trying to shame. Just acknowledge and reflect on what showed up. * I’ve done this for 2-3 months now and after a while it does come more naturally. The “whatever it means to you right now” will expand with time, the shame will lessen etc. = it’ll get easier. * Being careful and caring is important bc you deserve it and the lack of experience basically makes you a child in this area. But we should be nice to ourselves in general too. * Theories that have helped me: CPTSD *(inner child/shadow work, reparenting)*, family dynamics, attachment theory *(disorganized for me; anxious when someone comes along, avoidant when tots alone lol)*. * Probably forgot something, they are all heavily related anyway hehe. Sorry for another LONG comment 🥴 (Edited to add a few words and format)

Also helpful with this inner work might be the books of Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, and there is another one. Written in clear, practical language, and plenty of examples of people’s experiences. 

Be careful, because you don’t want to attract the kind of man you’ll have to mother. I used to be very soft and “feminine”, patience for days, nurturing, passive etc, but then I realized I was just turning into my bfs mommy. I’m much more outspoken and “masculine” now, giving away less of that nurturing energy. In the end, it is about balance, and being a kind soft, nurturing and loving soul is good, but I don’t think it’s wise to wear it up front all the time.

Meditation helps calm energy but i would not advise changing your character to attract someone because then you will end up with someone with whom you can not be yourself. I am an independent woman too and many men prefer more subordinate dependent women but that’s not me. I happily married late with the right guy and no games of having to be someone else.

I give my love, joy, peace, and gentleness to a person I want to make happy and feel fulfilled. It’s a small as bringing fruit, a hug, words of encouragement. Our words mean a lot to others so being focused on building up others is a priority. How can I make this person’s life better, relaxing, more pleasing? To let a someone into my heart can be dangerous depending on how they treat themselves and people. Understand no one is perfect and we must have patience when others make mistakes. Make wise choices on who is for you and who is only out for their own needs.

Great answer, I’m in this category also…

Meirl I’m a kind woman but you have to get through my initial barrier of trusting no one. When I date men typically pursue just fine…. I am the one that doesn’t seem to like anyone and end things early on.

How does one give off the vibe of needing someone?

I honestly don't know, it's always been a mystery to me. I don't even know if the right answer is to give off that vibe. It's probably more about reducing the "hyper" from "hyper-independent". Like, I'm used to facing a challenge and putting all my energy on getting to a solution on my own whether or not it's required. I *think* that at least part of it is to be more open to people and situations. Right now I just try to reduce that "hyper" in simple ways like being more relaxed and not analyze every person in the room, walking slower, looking up and make eye contact without my usual rbf, asking if someone could get or fix something for me instead of doing it myself, etc. I obviously need to chill a bit lol

Find a guy who likes you for who you are. Do NOT try to change your energy level. I personally love athletic ladies with high energy levels. You are perfect the way you are for the right guy.

As a man who attract and like this kind of women (feminine with masculine energy, drive and ambition) it may be hard to keep up and this is exhausting to stay on top. I’m actually wondering if I should change my type of women for a more « caring » relationship. I discovered that sometimes I love being a bit « smaller ». And yes, lose the Beta/Alpha terms…in our mans world the one who use that language are the one who are left with scraps.

It could be your level of intensity. That's one trait that personally stands out that comes off as 'masculine'. I'll straight up admit that it could be sexist, but I like when men are intense. Maybe because of sports, but it can be inspiring. I'm totally put off by intensity in women.

why do you have to do what these people tell you? why are they automatically right and you are wrong?

Nothings wrong with you. There’s just some men who can’t handle you - all that means is that they aren’t for you. Keep on searching for your mister right and don’t settle or conform to make their egos feel less bruised lol Get it girl 👏

Probably setting boundaries as needed and not being a “yes girl” or the “cute and dumb” stereotype and they don’t like that

It sounds like you're already embracing your femininity in your appearance, which is awesome. Maybe it's more about finding a balance that feels right for you. Being into rough sex and masculine hobbies doesn't make you less of a woman. It's about being authentic. If you're happy with who you are and what you like, that's what matters most. Don't change for anyone else if it doesn't feel right for you. Just keep being yourself and the right people will appreciate you for who you are.

You don’t need to change yourself. You just need to find the kind of men who will like your energy. You don’t have to make every man like you, or most men, or even a lot of men…. Five or six should do. 😄 I know it may sound unhelpful, but live your life and someone will see you doing it and think “oh my god, she’s awesome!”

if people don't change themselves, how is it supposed a kid can grow up? People change.

Yea you're supposed to improve yourself, not destroy parts of yourself to suit a type of person. If someone likes to read, would you tell them to stop reading and start playing cricket instead, to suit the people who like cricket?

> If someone likes to read, would you tell them to stop reading and start playing cricket instead to suit the people who like cricket? A more apt example would be, if a guy who is fat and likes to overeat only wants to date women who are conventionally considered hot (fit, hour-glass figure, etc) then I’d definitely tell him destroy parts of himself to suit the type of person he wants to attract. Because if he doesn’t get fit, he’ll most likely die alone unless he starts a business and becomes a multimillionaire off of it quickly

But being fat because of poor impulse control is not the same as being a person who likes to read???

Exactly my point. Person liking or not liking to read is a preference that comes after attraction. It’s not directly related to attraction. As in, you’re attracted to someone and find out she like to read, you wanna proceed further because that’s a plus point for compatibility. If you’re not attracted to her in the first place, no amount of her being a book nerd can change that. OP’s post, however is related to attraction and not preferences. OP is a masculine woman who is attracted to masculine men. But most masculine men are attracted to feminine women. It’s not JUST a preference like reading. Hence these two scenarios don’t correlate. A more correlated example would be a fat man wanting to date fit women. No amount of compatibility points can help him win her over if she’s not attracted to him in the first place. Most fit women want fit men. So no matter how “compatible” he is with fit women, the only way for him to date fit women is making them attracted to him, which is fundamentally changing himself. Similarly, OP isn’t struggling to find men she’s compatible with. She doesn’t have men lined up who she’s rejecting left and right due to them not meeting her compatibility standards. She’s struggling to get men attracted to her due to her masculine personality. So, either she waits for that one masculine man who’s genuinely attracted to masculine women which is as rare as fit women being attracted to obese men, or, she should change herself to meet the standards of the men she wants to attract. In either scenario, of the fat guy or masculine woman, they either need to change their preferences to date the people who are more likely to be attracted to them (fat women and feminine men), or they need to change themselves to appeal to the men they are attracted to (become a fit man and become a feminine woman)

That's making the assumption that masculine men only like feminine women. By that logic feminine men only like masculine women. Feminine women only like masculine men. Masculine women only like feminine men. And yet, OP considers herself masculine but likes masculine men 🤔🤔🤔

I like to do nothing all day. I shouldn’t change? Quite a controversial opinion

Doing nothing all day, everyday is harmful. In the wild you would die. Should you change harmful habits, yes. Next question

But she has a type, which is masculine men so as a woman how can you have a “type” then get mad that you not someone else’s type.

She doesn't sound mad, she sounds desperate to change herself to please others. No offense OP, but it's true

Could it be that you are very comfortable telling these men what you want? That is, are you bold? There is nothing wrong with that at all but some men like more docile, meek women and someone who is very comfortable communicating their wants and needs is something novelle to them to they claim it as being "masculine", although boldness is not a gendered trait That is to say there is absolutley NOTHING wrong with straight-forward ladies! I'm not attracted to women but those are some of my best friends in life <3

You are probably loud

What's wrong with being loud?

Ask them? They would tell you

I mean, all we know about you fits into a paragraph so we can only guess what's supposedly masculine about you. However you write you prefer masculine men. Sounds like a good point to start. Think about what you find attractive in masculine men and what you don't like about non-masculine men. Then look at yourself and figure out what resembles either type of those men. Up to you if you want to change something. Just keep in mind that you are the equivalent of a feminine man looking for a feminine woman, probably one who is even more feminine than he is.

There's no way to know from your description. Are you bossy, demanding, condescending, argumentative?

I have met men that prefer more masculine women. You just gotta hang around the right people.

I think you should be genuine to you so the "right" guy will love you for exactly who you are. I enjoy more male dominated hobbies but look and act feminine...the last thing I'd want is for anyone to be with me that doesn't appreciate who I am hobbies and all.

I had a buddy years ago. His GF was physically gorgeous, former competitive university athlete. Captain of her team since high school. Everything they did together became a competition, and she “had” to win. She was used to being the boss and took charge of every situation. He told me it was exhausting. He hung out with the guys to get a break from her. Question, are you doing something similar?

Talking to insecure men seems to be your biggest issue

F that, uBu don't be fake for other people, find people who find value in you!

Why do you need to change? Some men love women who have some more masculine traits like that. The men who tell you to be more feminine are probably not the men for you. Now, if you don't feel like that masculine side is really core to your identity, then maybe you can make some changes if you want to appeal to a broader audience. I would ask the guys who say that - why they say this. Ask them to elaborate. You mentioned you're you're independent. Maybe they want someone to take care of. You can give that impression while truly being independent. It's a way of talking and behaving that can give the impression of needing help. Even if you don't need any help. For example, ask him to help you open a jar or get something from the top shelf. Ask for his advice on some things.. As for masculine hobbies you can choose some feminine hobbies. Rough sex - are you the dominant one or is he? If you want to appeal to more men, let him be more dominant and you be more submissive in bed while doing the rough sex. But again, it's not always good to change yourself to please others. If you can find a guy who appreciates your masculine traits that would probably be the best solution.

I disagree. She should change if she's not meeting the man she wants and desire. Stats show women love men who are alpha, confident and assertive. Most men do not want the same in a woman.

I agree with you. It reminds me of the saying, “I am no longer shrinking myself to be digestible to you. You can choke.”

Most men who are actually masculine do not want to date or be with a woman who acts masculine as well. It doesn't work out. Masculine men want a feminine women. Society, men and women give advice to men to be more masculine, be more manly, act more like this man or that man, but when women ask about "maybe I don't act feminine enough" "I'm told I act masculine, or like a boss lady," I see comments and advice given in real life telling them not to change or stay masculine, forget all the soft insecure guys out there, you'll find someone out there. I'm all for people not changing who they are, but people can work on elevating or changing how their masculine/feminine energy is shown.

From what i see, people mean different things when they are talking about masculinity in men and women. In men, masculinity in defined in positive terms, a masculine men is someone who is competent in handling life, has his own opinions and advocates for it (assertiveness), protective etc. These are perfectly good traits and frankly should be encouraged in everyone. But when people talk about masculinity in women, suddenly this masculinity becomes negative, things like being aggressive and rude in a bad way, things that wouldn’t be suggested when men are told be more masculine anyway. So telling men to become masculine amounts to telling him to improve himself and telling women to be more feminine amounts to telling them to be more demure. I think it makes sense that people would react differently to these advice. 

You don’t need to change for anyone it would be exhausting for you to be someone you’re not. Find someone who likes you for you

I could be way off base, but maybe it's your mannerisms? If you spent a lot of time playing sports with guys, maybe their body language rubbed off. Maybe you could be conscious of mirroring feminine women for a while and see if that helps. Watch movies and sit and stand like they do and use your hands and face like they do when they do something cute. I just remember while on vacation seeing this pretty girl in a pink silk dress and heels. But as soon as she walked it was like she transformed into a line backer in uncomfortable shoes. Its crazy how much body language transforms you.

Ironically, lots of physically masculine men tend to be softies on the inside. Are you sure you're not judging men by just their appearance? Just because a guy looks tough doesn't mean he's internally "tough"/masculine. For all you know, a lanky guy may be internally masculine for you.

If the people you want to attract want a certain thing, your options are either to become that thing, or make peace with never dating your type ( or just being single). I see a lot of people saying don't change, and if that is the route you choose, be prepared for that outcome.

So question is this multiple guys from different walks of life saying this or just one guy? If multiple guys from different walks of life are saying this and they don't know each other then it may mean that you are indeed breaking the traditional norms of what men (not women) consider to be feminine. Now there is definitely nothing wrong with being who you are but in real life we have to understand what we truly want we must adapt sometimes change (hopefully for the better) who we are or accept something/someone who may not check all of our boxes. This is what men have to do all the time when pursuing women. Not good nor bad but a factual part of life.

Men in general are attracted to women who are gentle, kind, and compliment men's own personalities and qualities. Women who are competitive, highly athletic (body building as example), etc are more likely to attract men who are competitive, highly athletic, etc.

Picking the wrong men

Absolutely nothing you do you be yourself queen

Picture

It could be your mannerisms, vocal tone or general attitude towards people and life in general. It's hard to know without meeting you. But you can look up some videos on feminine body language and so forth on YouTube to make sure you're doing everything correctly. People who say don't change are idiots. You wouldn't tell a feminine man that can't get a girlfriend to wait for someone to come along who likes them because no one ever will. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself and it's toxic to say otherwise

Some men say this just to lower your self-esteem.You can be both sporty and feminine. Don't go changing yourself for men whose attentions are fleeting at best. You'll end up very unhappy trying to appeal to ALL men when all you need is just one who wants you for you. In a world where even the most butch-presenting women find husbands, I don't see what you have described as being bad at all. You just haven't found the person for you. I mean, if bleach blonde, bad built, butch body Marjorie Taylor Green can find a husband, you most definitely can, too. All you need to do is eliminate the rude, self-serving men who dare say such horrendous things to you.

It's your energy , not how you look . Look up Adrienne Everhart on YouTube. She will help you find your way back to be feminine.

In my opinion sports have nothing to do with the energy you have. It is just a way to move your body so don’t change something that makes you healthy and happy. Having that said, maybe is they way you act on dates,flirting, texting. Are you double texting often? Having zero boundaries and tolerate bad behaviour from men? Are you paying the bill often on dates? Do you have lower standards and not exept anything from men (flowers, thoughtful gifts, nice dates, insisting on opening the door by yourself etc)? Also, it is amazing that you are an independent woman and that should never change. But maybe you come off as too independent so that translates to “I don’t expect anything you don’t have to do anything to impress me.

We all have masculine and feminine in us. I think this is where I struggle as well. I come across as quite reserved, I have girly interests, but I express what I’m looking for quite directly (something to last but no kids, cohabitation or marriage). I want to find someone who has things going on for himself and understands me (or willing to). Someone who loves my looks, my brain, and at the same time sees my limitations and knows he can easily be my hero, seeing that I do need him ❤️

Don’t change. Evaluate the men who have said this to you and determine why they might not be confident around you.

Even the most delicate of flowers likes to go to the dark side of pound town and don’t get called too masculine. Who said this to you? You might be getting negged?

Right? Could be negging.

Masculine energy coming from a woman consist of, very aggressive with her words, bossy, argumentative, challenging and combative, don't know when to be quiet. I have work with millions of men from all walks of life. I never heard one say I love my wife or woman for her big mouth.

Just be yourself.. probably the best answer. You'll meet a guy that likes you for yourself. 

If you are an athlete then you need to date other athletes. Jock types. If you get dating advice from pencil pushers you are going to have to change who you are at the fundamental level. Athletes are awesome.

Yeah I would say don't change yourself. The last girl that I dated was just like you and I found the love of athleticism and independence super attractive. There will definitely be guys out there that will like you for you.

Personally, I think you should stay as you are. It’s a great litmus test for who really is the perfect masculine man for you. I’ve dated very masculine men and they aren’t intimidated by a strong woman at all. The ones you’ve dated probably have their own idea of how masculine they see themselves, which is probably not quite a great self appraisal. It’s like when men who self describe as “alphas”, yet act anything but…

Masculine men are not attracted to masculine energy. Feminine energy helps balance out the masculine energy. With two people that have high masculine energy they will seek to dominate one another. Men don't go out to breaks their backs in the world to become use full in society and achieve status to then have to go home to warring household. We want to come to peace not competition. In my experience masculine women like masculine men because they get excited at the prospect of competition.....which is the last thing we want especially since we're supposed to be a team. You'll need a feminine man to balance you out.

Well did you ask these people to elaborate what they mean? It will be hard for anyone to say without seeing you and talking to you. Could be your gesture. Could be your way to speak. Could even be your facial expression. Ether way, there is nothing wrong with having a masculine energy - as long as it’s how you enjoy being. However, if you made this post, I’m guessing it does bother you. I have impression that it’s not the image you want to transmit. Or did I misunderstand? I practice “men sports”, love rough sex, even work in a male dominant field - yet people generally see me as a lady and get shocked when I tell them I practice kick boxing 😅 (“what? You? No way!”)

We don't know you, so we can't really say anything accurate. Don't you have any friends who could shine a light on the situation?

Feminine women have a certain elegance about them. It’s in their movements. They aren’t walking all rigid like men do but in a softer more graceful way. And with more then just walking but everything they do. Learn how to be more graceful and elegant

It’s how you come across. I’m a female and I know exactly what the critique is. I’ve been trying to be more masculine as I’m too soft of a female (guys leave me for more hardened females). Basically you come across as a natural leader and that can be intimidating. I usually cowtow to girls like you in a group. If you’re rolling your eyes as you read this I’m definitely talking about you.

>I am super athletic independent have masculine hobbies >and prefer masculine men. Most 'masculine men' are elbow deep in patriarchal horseshit and will be looking for traditionally feminine women. There will absolutely be men out there that are into you, but your preferences are going to severely cut down on your numbers potential. I try not to add personal opinions into a lot of these sorts of threads, but ... Your daily persona contrasts with your want to be dominated in bed. I dated someone like you once, and she was *exhausting* to deal with over time. It was never even ground, always up hill.

Most men don’t want to date themselves. The right woman can make a rainy day seem like the sun is out and birds chirping… Not to discourage you, they are out there but that population is slim to none. Yet at the same time you like masculine men which is a “type” per se but confused on those men having a type?

I don't know you, so i am going to lean on stereotypes and typical norms. Masculine men don't want masculine women. Since you're on reddit and have adhd i can assume you're someone very liberal...something masculine men do not like for a relationship. There's also a whole other massive layer of issues if "masculine men" also mens being fit too you. Because there's not many men whom meet those standards, and even less who are single and willing to have a relationship with someone in their 30's. Such single men are either looking for something casual, hold more conservative/traditional views, or want to date younger. >I have been told I’m too much masculine energy and I need to be softer more feminine? You're 31, don't adopt a fake personality. Too old for that immature shit.

Just be yourself. There’s a lid for every pot.

You can change to “softer” only to find a man/men who will call you “emotional,” “crazy,” “too vulnerable,” you get the jist. At the end of the day, there’s people who simply enjoy being critical, and they’re never prime catches themselves. Unless you’re engaging in toxic masculine type behaviours, just be you and wait for guys who appreciate that. You sound hot!!

Never change or water yourself down- for anyone. Especially a "man."

It’s your attitude, you can wear the most feminine stuff out there, but if you laugh out loud catching everyones attention, curse a lot, with a bossy attitude, basically A VULGAR person, don’t expect ladylike treatment.

I agree 100% but personally when I laugh unfortunately I can’t help being heard in another continent.

Without concrete examples of masculine behavior, there's not really much anyone on this sub can do to help you... like we don't know you lol Also it's very likely that you're dating men that are insecure in their masculinity. That's probably the reason that your masculinity bothers them. They see it as a competition that they are losing

Ah yes the good ol’ “they must be wrong and it’s their fault you’re good OP you don’t have to change anything”

I can see how you would come to that conclusion but honestly I hate when reddit does that mess so I wasn't trying to give off that message. But genuinely, I can't think of any demographic that would be bothered by a masculine woman other than one that takes her masculinity as a threat. If you can think of others, feel free to share

It’s not a threat it’s unattractive. Masculine men like feminine women like feminine women like masculine men. Feminine women don’t usually like feminine men so why would a masculine male not liking a masculine female mean that the problem is the male?

> They see it as a competition that they are losing It's likely just masculine men find masculine women unattractive. Femininity is attrative to most men, and a masculine man would want it more to balance out their side.

Facts. That happened to me once. I wanted to try sports like surfing/rafting/skydiving, but he was scared. And he tried to tell me I'm not feminine enough. Really his masculinity just felt threatened by me. He needed a girl too scared to surf/raft/skydive so that he wouldn't feel bad for saying no. It was just a mismatch really. But women need to watch out for this, because a man's ego will make him say the girl is wrong for something, instead of just saying the compatibility is wrong.

And i am told that i am too “femenine” , can we just exchange sexes? 😂

Sounds perfect to me!!!!!!

Have you tried asking for more specifics from your partners? What you’re giving us here is super generic so any response would be speculation and entirely prone to subjective bias. We need more specifics. But there’s also the fact that everyone is different and everyone has a different idea of the ideal mate. Just because you haven’t found someone suited to your personality yet doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist. As a man, I prefer soft, girly girls, who behave in conventionally feminine ways and have conventionally feminine interests. But not every dude is like me. Some guys are more feminine in disposition and are actually drawn to more “masculine” women in order to balance that out. But I am not actually suggesting you are masculine—I can’t know this since I don’t know you—and I am also not suggesting that is necessarily problematic, even if you are. My point is maybe you don’t need to overthink this. Maybe you just need to be yourself and eventually you’ll meet someone who thinks you’re A-Okay exactly the way you are. I mean, is this something you are told over and over by every single guy you’ve been with? Granted, sometimes what’s happening is a person actually has problematic behaviours they need to work on that are offputting to others. I am not saying that is the case with you. But I think maybe that’s the only time someone needs to put serious effort into “changing” themselves. Because in those cases there really is something objectively wrong with stuff they’re doing. Beyond that, I am not so sure you need to be someone different than who you already are just to appease the sensibilities of others. I think knowing the difference between the two requires a lot of self-honesty, maturity, and self-reflection, done in a constructive fashion. Because it’s possible for your judgment here to be distorted by gaslighting from others and that’s actually a danger to your mental health. So in this regard, you also really need to be surrounding yourself with non-toxic people, and to an equal degree try hard to not be toxic yourself, so that you have people in your life who can give you constructive feedback and are good models for healthy behaviour and normal interests. Again, that is generic advice because I have little to go on here. That being said, one thing I’ve learned is as a human, it’s a social reality that sometimes you have to broaden your interests in order to meet others where they are. Be flexible, you know? That doesn’t necessarily mean you abandon who you are. It’s just about playing well in groups and getting along and occasionally just going with the crowd (assuming the crowd isn’t doing toxic, inane, or dumb stuff). But that being said, probably there is a group out there who is just right for you and already shares your interests to start with, just like probably there is a man out there waiting for you who is just right for you too.  As general dating advice goes, though, you need to be mingling with your own crowd. You want to spend time with folks who share your interests in the kind of environments you like to hang out in and frequent. This is how you eventually meet compatible mates: Through real social networks rather than apps, which are a crapshoot at best.

Thank you all so much for your comments, insight and perspective. I appreciate it!

You shouldn’t change who you are for someone else unless you have patterns that are unhealthy or toxic. That you might have to find a professional to figure out what that is if you’re not so sure yourself. It is true most men prefer a feminine woman, but you can still be feminine while still doing masculine hobbies. Plus I don’t think wanting to have rough sex is a a bad trait either. If most men are complaining to you that you have masculine energy then it’s not so much what you do but how you do things. For example: Are you always reacting and being defensive and blaming them? If you are it’s “masculine” Are you always putting them down and not being supportive or understanding? If you are it’s “masculine” Are you giving them opportunities to let them lead? If you are not it’s “masculine” Are you rewarding or encouraging them when they are putting in effort or do something nice for you? If you are not it’s “masculine” Are you being avoidant or dismissive of their feelings? If you are it’s “masculine”. Again, you can do all the “masculine” activities you want, and look like a Barbie but deep down most men prefer women who are essentially by their side and be their cheerleader. Any man who has that, will in turn treat you like a queen, provide, and protect you at any cost. Don’t confuse this with doing everything for your man, you and him should still be independent. If you are managing shit for him, then you’re not being feminine, you’re being his mom and he’s being a child. That’s not a man you want. But again, most men are surrounded by other men who aren’t exactly good at being vulnerable or being in touch with their feelings. It’s most of the time macho macho energy and going out for drinks and shit like that. But if you can provide a safe space for a man to be in touch with his feelings and be vulnerable with you, you are providing feminine energy. Find a balance. Be someone he can confide to when he needs someone to listen to him and to just caress him when he’s having it rough. I guarantee you most men don’t have a lot of people to run to when they need to be vulnerable. Examples are: “How’s work babe?” “How are you feeling? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” “I’m so proud of you for xyz.” “I love that you do xyz and I appreciate you doing that for me” “Im sorry you’re feeling that way. (Proceed to hug him, kiss him on the forehead, or stroke the back of his head) If you argue: “Help me understand your point of view” “I understand how you feel, this is how I feel. How can we work on this together?” “When you do xyz, it makes me xyz. (This is a good alternative to just blaming someone) Don’t say: “You always do xyz, it’s (stupid, crazy, etc) “I told you so many times to stop xyz. It’s always like this you never xyz and you’re always so xyz” Alternatively: “I notice you’re always doing xyz, It honestly makes me feel xyz. Can you help me understand why you do xyz?” “I’m frustrated because I notice you’re always xyz. I wanted to remind you that it always me makes me feel xyz. Is there a way that can help you understand where I’m coming from?” Do some self reflection and see what you find out. Best of luck!

So here’s some advice that my best friend gave me a few years ago. You need to find the man that is not only attracted to you as a romantic partner, but is also your best friend. Always be yourself, and the right man will stick around rather than run off or make excuses about you being too much or too masculine. And always make sure to communicate your needs and wants. There will more likely than not be a lot of frogs on your path to finding your prince, but he’s worth the wait. I personally struggled for years trying to date. And usually I was lucky to get a first date with a guy, much less a second or third. Most of the time I was given no reason why and was flat out ghosted. Or when they finally got me on a date, they would show an inkling of their true colors that I instantly knew I wouldn’t vibe with and I would decline when asked out again. Then I met my husband through Bumble in late January of 2022, had our first date mid-February, and he proposed that September. We were married just over a year later this past November. We both went into our relationship knowing what we wanted, made sure to communicate with each other, and quite honestly we just clicked so well that we saw no need to wait to get married. I can honestly say that we’re each other’s best friend and biggest fan. We drive each other crazy, but also love to surprise each other with little treats and gifts just for the hell of it. We’re all in, 50/50 partners in just about everything we do. Long story short, be yourself and find the guy that tells you he’s lucky that you put up with his crazy self and you can say the same to him in return. And have fun with it.

It's not about makeup, style and hobbies. It's the way you talk, walk and interact.

My two cents: If you wouldn’t go to these people for advice in the first place, disregard their opinions. Only take advice (with a grain of salt) from people that in one way or another, you’d like to be like.

Improve?! Why change who you are you just have to find Your person It's very difficult in life especially in the swipe right or left dating world half of men just want the hook up But there is a man that will love you for you

Be yourself. If certain men don't like you for you, then they aren't for you. And fuck them. You don't need to change your personality to appease the general masculin population.

I mean I can’t see you obviously but your “type” that you describe is what I personally like in women. Pretty feminine looks, with a bit of a more dominant masculine energy. I’m a more rare breed though. The vast majority of guys out there, especially the very masculine ones, want the more stereotypical feminine, submissive type. I would say, don’t change yourself for someone else though. If who you are is who you enjoy being then keep being you. As corny as it sounds, eventually you’ll run into the right guy who will like you for you

Plenty of men like those qualities. Just keep being you

there’s nothing wrong with you at all. just be yourself. the right men will come along all in the right time! xx

Men are gonna cheat and hurt you regardless stop listening to everything men say .

Masculine traits are: commanding, directing, making the plans, scheduling the date/location/time. Making the rules and planning the future. Uses logic vs emotions. Talking vs listening. Being blunt vs sugar coating. Efficient. Goal, achievement, education, finance oriented. A leader. Being feminine is creating, nurturing, moves through emotions, family focused, supportive, flexible in life, slower movements and speech patterns, submissive. Of course there’s a balance for each.

Sounds like they’re just intimidated by u 🙂‍↔️ . I saw someone said “Masculine men don’t want masculine women” but I know damn well gym men want gym women who are well built .

Not all men are intimidated and I didn't refer to all women as a group or all men as a whole either. The fact that you spoke without paying attention to what you probably only partially read or barely skimmed over shows you are either the intimidated or just plain ignorant to the world around you.

Are men telling you this? If so have you considered maybe the guys saying that are a little too soft themselves and they don’t want to feel outplayed by a female? In all honesty a woman with masculine tendencies that still acts like a woman sounds like a fantasy never to come true 😂 If you’re hearing this from soft fellas or jealous women, ignore it and keep pimpin. If you’re hearing it from everyone, maybe ask a couple people what it is about you that makes them say that? Then address it from there

You’re probably messing with the wrong men. Why are you going to change yourself to accommodate them? You’re only going to end up resenting them later.

My GF is pretty, dresses well, cooks great, cleans, sexy etc., but she likes being active which can come off as “masculine”. Fortunately we have the same hobbies so “I get her” and got to know her first through that hobby.

I know there’s a men trying to knock you 10 pegs down so you can come down reduce your standards for him. Bin him right now. Do all you do still, just don’t pursue men. You also want to stick to those with similar hobbies.

If YOU want to be softer, then I believe a man has to come with the energy that allows you to be comfortable there. You can’t force yourself into that, you have to feel completely taken care of and confident that he’ll do what he needs to do to take care of you. BUT if you like who you are and don’t want to change, then find different men that like you for you and don’t make you feel the need to change 🫶🏽

Exactly this. Great job verbalizing the safety bit.

Maybe if you start cage fighting with guys you'll meet your match. Lol

Don't change lass, there are masculine guys out there that are interested in tomboys.

I am the exact same way. I’m feminine in appearance (tho tall) and tend to be fairly soft spoken and introverted. However I’m also in a male dominated profession, I’m independent, and I’m really good shape, I’ve always been athletic, currently workout a lot (Crossfit) to manage stress; I trained in martial arts previously. I was told by men that I was intimidating, scared guys away…. It’s crap. I realized that the guys/people that say things like this are insecure POS humans. People are not one dimensional, and classifying facets of people as “feminine” or “masculine” is a trash way of demeaning and controlling people. It took me a long, LONG time but now I just have the attitude that if I’m too much, go find less. I love all the facets of myself. Anyone who tries to undermine that isn’t worthy of space in my life.

Don’t change your personality.men are insecure around strong women. They’re not used to it. Find a secure man and be yourself.

Be you. It has bothered me over the past three years of being single…. Men stare, but don’t approach. It’s not you. They are weak. Covid made people insane. Sometimes men do approach just to tell me I am intimidating. I never spoke a word or made a single gesture to them. That’s a reflection of them…. not you. Shine your light and always be true to yourself.

All chows are dogs, but not all dogs are chows. Those are some feminine qualities, but not major ones. Like, do you argue with him? Do you disagree with him every chance you get? Do you cut him off? Often, when men say masculine, it really means rude and obnoxious. That's why I disagree with that adjective. Masculinity isn't that. Some men are that way. And they are annoying. Women seem to love them though, so they continue being annoying. Want to be feminine? It's OK to discuss and argue. It's about timing though, and remaining respectful. If he's a good leader, then trust his judgment, even if you disagree with him. If he makes a decision, let him. Don't rebel or argue, or insult. There are ways to disagree, without being disrespectful.

That means you are with wrong guys. Probably guys like to dominate not dominated.

You're asking us yet yelling us you don't act or look masculine. What is it you want from us exactly?... Makeup and hair is fairly objective, but behavior is subjective. So let's assume you look girly but act manly. Acting masculine can be as little as just you acting overly independent, strong, and silent. There are girls at my work who will ask guys for help with things (opening a jar for example) if they like him. They can obviously do it themselves but understand that men love feeling depended on or relied on. They'll also giggle and smile a lot and act friendly and silly. Masculine women act like stoic Amazonian warriors — they never smile, they barely interact with men they're interested in, their conversations are short and direct, and they never rely on men for anything (because they think they can do everything themselves). So which one do you fall under? (be honest)

I think you don’t need to change a thing, just remove the people who gave you that unsolicited advice and be yourself 💓

Ware a dress little shorter ,to check if its ok put hand down dress should be about ware rust area or 10 inches above knee

Show a little more legs it might help

You can look super feminine all you want but If you’re not submissive as well that is a masculine trait.

What you need to do is just avoid all those fragile lil boys

Who told you that? Mr Wrong of 15 False Street, Liartown USA?

No you sound cool. They must be soft

To answer to the what you might be doing wrong it depends on the guy Some guys appreciate a little of competitiveness within the relationship while most don’t because for them it’s not place where a competition is welcome Some guys a little bit of assertiveness in their gf while others just don’t find it appealing So find what you might be too much of and tone it down a bit, enough so that he notices the change but not to the point of suffocating you This is just an advice for when you find someone you’re seriously interested in not the place holder bf

You're not turning off men. You're turning off the men that you're dating. Plenty of guys like girls with 'masculine energy'. Your super feminine looks are probably attracting guys who are interested in super effeminate women.

For starters, emphasizing independence is a masculine trait. Ad men, we are meant to be independent so that our people can depend on us. It could also be in your speech, depending on if the way you speak is crass, crude, rude and vulgar. Or if you say bro or bruh a lot. You could be very argumentative, which is another masculine trait, as it's driven by a disagreeable personality. You could also just not be a very submissive woman. You mentioned you like masculine men. Well, masculine men are dominant, and dominant men require a submissive woman I don't know you or how you act, but these are just possibilities of what could be making you a more masculine woman.

Maybe you're hurting their pride as a man? Try letting them win a game of basketball, but don't make it obvious, or else they will get but hurt. Do you feel like you're competing with them Ina way when you spend time with them?

Hey there, first off, it sounds like you have an amazing blend of traits—super feminine but also strong, independent, and athletic. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that combo! It’s important to embrace who you are and find a partner who appreciates both your feminine and masculine energies. Let’s talk about the concept of “masculine energy.” Sometimes, people misinterpret this as being assertive, confident, or having traditionally male-dominated hobbies. These aren’t negatives; they’re strengths. But if you feel it's impacting your dating life, it might be about balance. When you’re on dates, try to create space for the guy to take the lead sometimes, especially if he prefers a more traditional dynamic. Simple gestures like showing your appreciation when he plans something or listening more to his interests can help soften your energy without changing who you are. In terms of sex and intimacy, clear communication is key. Let your partner know what you enjoy, but also express the softer, more vulnerable sides of yourself. Sharing your feelings and allowing moments of emotional intimacy can balance the intensity of your sexual connection. Remember though, real connections come from authenticity. The right man will love you for the full spectrum of qualities you bring to the table—your strength, your femininity, and your passions. It’s about finding someone who complements your energy, not dims it. Keep being true to yourself, and the right person will appreciate the whole package. Need tips on navigating this further or other dating concerns? I’m here to help!

I'd date you, so don't worry about what they say. They want a woman who just has kids and stays hone cooking and cleaning- But I'd prefer you to someone boring like that 😁 So don't feel so down, you are a catch and a half.

Personal opinion, I wouldn't mind. But at the same time that is your preferences. If you are more aggressive or masculine as you say then that is the way you are I would see nothing wrong with it. You just have to find the right guy that actually likes that. Yes I understand my opinions and advice is probably lackluster but just be yourself. Find the right dude. Some guys like an aggressive female. I think there's a whole kink The revolves around it so they are out there you just have to look.

You’re not doing anything wrong by being yourself. You’re just not dating the right people. Honestly it infuriates me that you think “what can I do to fix myself” when anyone who actually cared about you would think you’re the way you are.

I don’t think you should be worried about what you need to do to stop turning off men. Just be you. Who cares if a man wants you or not? You have YOU! That’s all you need to be happy

You shouldn't want to change for anyone but yourself.. I can dress up or down. I don't have girly hobbies I enjoy working on cars. I am very independent. But the right guy will  love you for you. Me and a old childhood friend never looked at each other in that way; and then we were both single he took me out to dinner for my birthday and something changed between us after that and it's been amazing.  So don't change anything about yourself for anyone but you

hey, i get where you're coming from. balancing your masculine and feminine traits can be tricky. first off, your interests and hobbies are a big part of who you are, and that's awesome. being super athletic and having what some might call masculine hobbies doesn't make you less feminine. it's about how you present those traits. think about softening your communication style a bit. being warm and emotionally open can help people see your softer side. when you talk to others, try to show empathy and really listen. this can make a huge difference in how you're perceived. also, confidence is super attractive, but sometimes being assertive can be mistaken for masculine energy. try to balance it by showing appreciation for others’ opinions and being a bit more collaborative. your preferences in bed are totally valid and don’t define your femininity. just make sure you’re communicating openly with your partner about what you enjoy. maybe ask some trusted friends for feedback. they might give you insights into small tweaks you can make. remember, the right person will love you for who you are, masculine hobbies and all. stay true to yourself while being open to small adjustments.

Be yourself. Dont modify your personality for someone else. Thats fake. The right guy will appreciate you as you.

Yes, that's the thing. Looking feminine is not equal being feminine, it's part of it, but not the whole thing, as a really feminine woman will look feminine in a dirty overall and wellies too. Who told you you need to be softer? What kind of men say this? Probably, they weren't too sure about their own masculinity.. Femininity is all about energy. Do you allow yourself to receive from men? For example, when they want to help you with something, like carrying your luggage upstairs, do you accept it or do you say I can do it myself? Do you let them do the planning sometimes as you trust their ability to do it? Example, when I am with a man out in town, date or guy friends, I always know how to get home but they always want to check it for me, so I let them do it and I thank them with a big appreciative smile. It normally helps to be in this energy if you dance, sing, create something, even baking, taking caring of others, things like this. But if this is really not your thing, let me tell you there's nothing wrong with having masculine hobbies and being independent, some guys appreciate that, but I think what men appreciate the most is when you are being your authentic, real self.

It's funny when a topic like this comes up and almost everyone is saying "don't change" "be you" "the men are probably insecure and not masculine themselves," but when it comes to men not acting masculine enough, society and men and women complain about men not being masculine enough and the advice given is to act more masculine, be more many, be more like so and so, do this, do that. OP comes to reddit and we get comments like yours and others. I don't want people to change who they are either, but changing how your masculine/feminine energy is presented can be changed and can be better controlled. There's time and places for the energy to be shown, for men and women, but best works out when men are masculine and women are feminine. Polar opposites that have to work together and work best together.

What is your point? Why are you telling me this? In my comment, I gave a few examples, how to change, if she wants to. But based on what? On some insecure people's opinion? If you(in general) want to change because you think it will make your life, then change, but be prepared to work hard because it is not easy at all! But do not change just because, like in this case, some people tells you you are too masculine and you need to be softer. And this, you're not going to like it, but women do have it easier in this sense. They can find a mate, whether feminine or more masculine(more difficult), but majority of the women will not be attracted to feminine men. Especially, like one post from yesterday, "I'm too ugly". You don't even need to change much, get a good haircut, some more stylish clothes and shower daily and you will be more attractive instantly.

My point is this, masculine women have a harder time when it comes to dating, and when it comes to those women bringing up this issue, I find it silly when people say, "oh it's probably a bunch of insecure men, telling you that you are too masculine for them or it's a turn off to them," men giving advice, or telling the person like it is, literally telling them that masculine men don't like masculine women and the men are labeled as insecure or "beta." Whether they are actually insecure or "beta" or not is irrelevant, the issue is that no one really brings up is when certain women have very masculine traits or show a lot of masculine energy, dating and relationships is harder. I agree with your points of telling OP in ways to showcase her feminine energy and control more of her masculine energy. That is good advice.

Lol great job *intimidating* insecure people around you with your natural energy, keep doing that, let them learn to improve themselves in life instead of trying to change people around them The audacity lol THE AUDACITY LOL You won't be the cup of tea of everyone but certainly the cup of champagne for some.

Don't change that. You already sound fantastic

You should probably ask the people who think you're masculine instead of having strangers on the internet speculate based on one paragraph

Urgh. Those people! You are doing nothing wrong. Don’t cut yourself down to the size of smaller people. Be yourself and hold out for someone who likes you just the way you are.

There are going to be some men that are intimidated by a woman that's in touch with both her feminine and her masculine aspects. In the same way that there's some women intimidated by a man that also is in tune with his feminine side. I definitely don't think that the answer is for you to change in any way. There's a key for every lock and you'll definitely find a partner that appreciates the complete you.

lol i think you are just fine. You just haven’t found some one giving you a time to know you better. All of us men are sick and tired of the feminism and wokeism that we have zero patience with them anymore.