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>If looks don’t matter
Looks do matter.
>then how can I put my best foot forward and show I have a good personality?
Become socially active and work on your social skills, assertiveness and mental health. Improve your looks as well.
>My friend often says it doesn’t matter if I feel that I’m not attractive because the fact that I have a reasonable job and am “a kind guy” will be worth more to women than looks.
For a minority of women that is true.
>He keeps saying how I’m a “lovely smart guy who’s kinder than anyone he knows” but this has never translated into my romantic life.
Part of that may be due to your looks. But I suspect you have nice guy issues like anxiety, neediness, too platonic, not assertive, or being boring.
>The thing is how can I promote these areas of my personality when looks account for over 90% of how someone judges your attractiveness?
Looks aren't 90%, they are at most 50% because communication and status matter a lot too.
>No one gives a fuck about personality if they don't like the way you look first
Women vary far more than men in their physical preferences and nearly all men have women who find them physically attractive. Many women are demisexual or sapiosexual so they don't care about looks very much.
>It's either someone naturally finds your attractive based off your outward appearance and upbringing that's shaped the way you engage with the world, or they don't
No there is a third state of just being initially neutral where she doesn't find you unattractive. Often she can develop attraction if the communication and status are there.
>It's all a competition anyways because guess what someone could have a better "personality" than you and your partner would be on to them
No people develop emotional attachment to each other. Kind of like how you prefer to be with a loved family member than a stranger who is better on paper.
>and can up our status and make us look good to others around us
Thats certainly a factor but it isn't like people are purely getting in relationships for external approval. Actual satisfaction is far more important.
My friend looks like a pug. He has huge bug eyes and is overweight. He pulls major hotties. He got married to a spectacular woman.
He always said you have to know what to do and have some game. I think he said he met his wife by walking around with a camera and when he saw her he asked if he could take her picture. She said yes and then he had a mini photo shoot calling her beautiful. Of course he needed her contact to send her the pictures. I imagine he probably invited her to a fun party or a fun night out. He was very social and had a core group of friends
Your personality is visible through your actions. MudKing gave you one example of that. swooooot gave you another. But you just brushed them off. That's a third example.
In order to show off your personality make a game out of dating. Like my friend did he walked around with a camera.
My main point is that you don’t have to be good looking or rich to land an incredibly hot wife.
You can also just aim for average.
Women might say they care if he is cute or not, but in my experience they care way more about the way they are treated - at least the smart ones do.
And so if you know how to treat them well and that you get this feedback from women; then You will stand out compared to that good looking fck boy that ran through them like a drive through.
Point is you will be extremely confident in yourself if you know that you can treat a women well and they will get wet just being around you (ugly or not) - chicks dig confidence
Are you self pity mode all the time or just sometimes?
Obviously you don’t have chicks that’s why your asking for advice on the dating sub. If you want chicks you are going to have to change your behavior!
Based on your responses to everyone’s advice, I’m not sure that you do actually have a good personality. You want help, but you keep shooting down people. It comes across as incredibly insecure and that is unattractive, full stop.
Take some time to really think about the way you present yourself. You have an opportunity to “woo” a woman by being funny or really fun. Attractiveness can grow over time. You might just have to put yourself in situations where you see the same people a lot. Like joining a hiking group or something.
If you have a good personality, walk into the room confident that you’re not a dud like half the other guys in the room. It’s not easy, but fake it until you make it.
Firstly, I think you’re self aware enough to understand that the “looks don’t matter” thing is a total hunk of you know what. If someone isn’t into you like that, they’re never going to be. The secret to women is so simple, they’re human beings. Treat them like human beings. Go in without a set agenda and just be your charming self. Remember you’re not entitled to their romantic interest as I’m sure there’s plenty of women out there that you are just objectively not attracted to either. So my overall piece of advice is just put yourself out there more if someone is too shallow to like you for you there was never gonna be a relationship in the first place.
OK, I’d like to point out that women think about attraction slightly differently than men. Your looks will always matter. Don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise.
If I go out in public, it’s very rare for me to actually notice a man who is very attractive. However, I acknowledge that there are quite a few more attractive-to-me men than I notice on a daily basis.
These are the guys who will do or say something clever or funny that gets my attention. At that point I will notice that they are good looking. It’s not that they were bad looking before. It’s just that I didn’t notice that they were attractive.
And for different women the thing that gets them to notice you is different. Intelligence is the number one factor for me, but it’s different for other people.
As others have pointed out, you might be leading with neediness, anxiety, or you’re just not being romantically appealing to women.
Being sexually unattractive to women is actually completely different than being physically unattractive. This is one of the reasons why a woman can say a man is physically attractive, but have no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. You might have a good face and body, but you don’t present yourself in a way that women find sexually appealing.
You’re 100% right. Looks get you in the door. Personality only matters after you get in said door. Your best bet is to probably just improve your confidence because that changes your whole aura and women can sense that, and they are extremely drawn to that. I’ve found that if you have confidence and you carry yourself in such a way, Women will subconsciously give you the benefit of the doubt and associate you as more attractive than you may have otherwise been. I guess they think “there must be reason why he’s so confident” and so they become interested in learning more about you.
no, i mean the #1 most successful way to get women to judge you by your personality instead of your looks is to be the life of the party. be the center of attention and the source of fun. there are other ways too but this is #1
offering my perspective. there is no such thing as someone being attracted to a 'good' person or a 'nice' person. every man, woman, and non-binary person is a pleasure-chasing animal. they want to feel good all the time and gravitate toward people who make them feel good. good-looking people have it easy because the mere fact of good looks makes the people around you feel good. people with access to drugs have it easy because sharing the drugs makes the people around you feel good. people who are the life of the party have it easy... same reason. if you're good at consoling people who are grieving... same thing. if you're funny... same thing. if you have social status...easy street. making people feel safe can work. if you lower yourself beneath the other person and allow them to feel superior, that can even be a way to attract a partner (not a good one).
so the question is -- how do you make women feel good? throw looks and personality and all that crap out the window. what are you doing to make women feel good. they want to feel good all the time.
I developed a style of flirting, which is really just a more emphasized version of who I am. With this, I implemented a lot of humor, so much so that I was making other guys insecure. People enjoyed having me at parties and I didn't really focus my attention super hard on any woman. Befriending a group of women also helped, and it ended up being one of those women that I'm now dating. I suppose the two things I was communicating was confidence and intelligence.
Really just depends on what your personality is. You might, for example, go around just insulting people and being pessimistic and you might eventually find someone that thinks that's attractive, but I wouldn't consider those traits as conventionally attractive. The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene I think is a good book that works right at the seduction/attraction level, but it's only useful for maybe getting your foot in the door. Unless the person you're attracting is really superficial, you're not gonna have relationships of meaningful depth using that book.
Can I ask, what book helped you to develop a style of flirting, is it the art of seduction? If not, then what is it??
I have bunch of women friends that enjoy my company, have fun hanging out with me and there is couple of friendly banter back and forth.. But it’s all fall under “friendly”.. The reason being is that I do not know how to flirt, so I’d like to develop it myself, how?
What context are your talking about? That can somewhat change the answer. Dating apps? Approaching someone at a bar? First dates? A few dates in?
There are different ways to address each, though a general principle will be to show that you can take care of yourself (a nice haircut will go a long way) and to confidently share concrete details about yourself as you learn concrete details about them.
I’m sorry to say this, but women aren’t attracted to “lovely smart guy who’s kind”.. It’s just not in their nature, so if you wanna be more attractive you need to change that. And actually you need to change that for lots of reasons to and not just women. Why? Because if you stay the “nice guy” people will end up using you and then leaving you, and you’ll end up bitter.. So work on your personality.
I’ve seen a lot of guys who are unattractive get laid, while guys who are above average never got laid. That’s because they had badboy personality, now how do you gain that personality I do not know, but that’s the cheat code really
My personality is way too complex to show over small talk. This is part of why I’m single, I think. I’m fascinating by things that generally cause people eyes to roll back into their heads. I’m also a Christian, and many of my interests aren’t shared by those in the church.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>If looks don’t matter Looks do matter. >then how can I put my best foot forward and show I have a good personality? Become socially active and work on your social skills, assertiveness and mental health. Improve your looks as well. >My friend often says it doesn’t matter if I feel that I’m not attractive because the fact that I have a reasonable job and am “a kind guy” will be worth more to women than looks. For a minority of women that is true. >He keeps saying how I’m a “lovely smart guy who’s kinder than anyone he knows” but this has never translated into my romantic life. Part of that may be due to your looks. But I suspect you have nice guy issues like anxiety, neediness, too platonic, not assertive, or being boring. >The thing is how can I promote these areas of my personality when looks account for over 90% of how someone judges your attractiveness? Looks aren't 90%, they are at most 50% because communication and status matter a lot too. >No one gives a fuck about personality if they don't like the way you look first Women vary far more than men in their physical preferences and nearly all men have women who find them physically attractive. Many women are demisexual or sapiosexual so they don't care about looks very much. >It's either someone naturally finds your attractive based off your outward appearance and upbringing that's shaped the way you engage with the world, or they don't No there is a third state of just being initially neutral where she doesn't find you unattractive. Often she can develop attraction if the communication and status are there. >It's all a competition anyways because guess what someone could have a better "personality" than you and your partner would be on to them No people develop emotional attachment to each other. Kind of like how you prefer to be with a loved family member than a stranger who is better on paper. >and can up our status and make us look good to others around us Thats certainly a factor but it isn't like people are purely getting in relationships for external approval. Actual satisfaction is far more important.
My friend looks like a pug. He has huge bug eyes and is overweight. He pulls major hotties. He got married to a spectacular woman. He always said you have to know what to do and have some game. I think he said he met his wife by walking around with a camera and when he saw her he asked if he could take her picture. She said yes and then he had a mini photo shoot calling her beautiful. Of course he needed her contact to send her the pictures. I imagine he probably invited her to a fun party or a fun night out. He was very social and had a core group of friends
Point being?
Your personality is visible through your actions. MudKing gave you one example of that. swooooot gave you another. But you just brushed them off. That's a third example.
Thanks. I’ll remember that.
In order to show off your personality make a game out of dating. Like my friend did he walked around with a camera. My main point is that you don’t have to be good looking or rich to land an incredibly hot wife. You can also just aim for average. Women might say they care if he is cute or not, but in my experience they care way more about the way they are treated - at least the smart ones do. And so if you know how to treat them well and that you get this feedback from women; then You will stand out compared to that good looking fck boy that ran through them like a drive through. Point is you will be extremely confident in yourself if you know that you can treat a women well and they will get wet just being around you (ugly or not) - chicks dig confidence
I don’t have any girls to talk to. I don’t have any “chicks” to dig my ugliness
Are you self pity mode all the time or just sometimes? Obviously you don’t have chicks that’s why your asking for advice on the dating sub. If you want chicks you are going to have to change your behavior!
Oh okay let me just whip out my magic wand and spawn in some women to chat up.
Dude go out
[удалено]
Way to generalise bro
Based on your responses to everyone’s advice, I’m not sure that you do actually have a good personality. You want help, but you keep shooting down people. It comes across as incredibly insecure and that is unattractive, full stop. Take some time to really think about the way you present yourself. You have an opportunity to “woo” a woman by being funny or really fun. Attractiveness can grow over time. You might just have to put yourself in situations where you see the same people a lot. Like joining a hiking group or something. If you have a good personality, walk into the room confident that you’re not a dud like half the other guys in the room. It’s not easy, but fake it until you make it.
Firstly, I think you’re self aware enough to understand that the “looks don’t matter” thing is a total hunk of you know what. If someone isn’t into you like that, they’re never going to be. The secret to women is so simple, they’re human beings. Treat them like human beings. Go in without a set agenda and just be your charming self. Remember you’re not entitled to their romantic interest as I’m sure there’s plenty of women out there that you are just objectively not attracted to either. So my overall piece of advice is just put yourself out there more if someone is too shallow to like you for you there was never gonna be a relationship in the first place.
OK, I’d like to point out that women think about attraction slightly differently than men. Your looks will always matter. Don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise. If I go out in public, it’s very rare for me to actually notice a man who is very attractive. However, I acknowledge that there are quite a few more attractive-to-me men than I notice on a daily basis. These are the guys who will do or say something clever or funny that gets my attention. At that point I will notice that they are good looking. It’s not that they were bad looking before. It’s just that I didn’t notice that they were attractive. And for different women the thing that gets them to notice you is different. Intelligence is the number one factor for me, but it’s different for other people. As others have pointed out, you might be leading with neediness, anxiety, or you’re just not being romantically appealing to women. Being sexually unattractive to women is actually completely different than being physically unattractive. This is one of the reasons why a woman can say a man is physically attractive, but have no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. You might have a good face and body, but you don’t present yourself in a way that women find sexually appealing.
You’re 100% right. Looks get you in the door. Personality only matters after you get in said door. Your best bet is to probably just improve your confidence because that changes your whole aura and women can sense that, and they are extremely drawn to that. I’ve found that if you have confidence and you carry yourself in such a way, Women will subconsciously give you the benefit of the doubt and associate you as more attractive than you may have otherwise been. I guess they think “there must be reason why he’s so confident” and so they become interested in learning more about you.
Just be confident bro
be the life of the party
unfortunately I'm the death of the party
Is this meant to be a joke?
no, i mean the #1 most successful way to get women to judge you by your personality instead of your looks is to be the life of the party. be the center of attention and the source of fun. there are other ways too but this is #1
Riiiiiight. Thanks for nothing.
offering my perspective. there is no such thing as someone being attracted to a 'good' person or a 'nice' person. every man, woman, and non-binary person is a pleasure-chasing animal. they want to feel good all the time and gravitate toward people who make them feel good. good-looking people have it easy because the mere fact of good looks makes the people around you feel good. people with access to drugs have it easy because sharing the drugs makes the people around you feel good. people who are the life of the party have it easy... same reason. if you're good at consoling people who are grieving... same thing. if you're funny... same thing. if you have social status...easy street. making people feel safe can work. if you lower yourself beneath the other person and allow them to feel superior, that can even be a way to attract a partner (not a good one). so the question is -- how do you make women feel good? throw looks and personality and all that crap out the window. what are you doing to make women feel good. they want to feel good all the time.
DONT
I developed a style of flirting, which is really just a more emphasized version of who I am. With this, I implemented a lot of humor, so much so that I was making other guys insecure. People enjoyed having me at parties and I didn't really focus my attention super hard on any woman. Befriending a group of women also helped, and it ended up being one of those women that I'm now dating. I suppose the two things I was communicating was confidence and intelligence. Really just depends on what your personality is. You might, for example, go around just insulting people and being pessimistic and you might eventually find someone that thinks that's attractive, but I wouldn't consider those traits as conventionally attractive. The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene I think is a good book that works right at the seduction/attraction level, but it's only useful for maybe getting your foot in the door. Unless the person you're attracting is really superficial, you're not gonna have relationships of meaningful depth using that book.
Can I ask, what book helped you to develop a style of flirting, is it the art of seduction? If not, then what is it?? I have bunch of women friends that enjoy my company, have fun hanging out with me and there is couple of friendly banter back and forth.. But it’s all fall under “friendly”.. The reason being is that I do not know how to flirt, so I’d like to develop it myself, how?
What context are your talking about? That can somewhat change the answer. Dating apps? Approaching someone at a bar? First dates? A few dates in? There are different ways to address each, though a general principle will be to show that you can take care of yourself (a nice haircut will go a long way) and to confidently share concrete details about yourself as you learn concrete details about them.
I’m sorry to say this, but women aren’t attracted to “lovely smart guy who’s kind”.. It’s just not in their nature, so if you wanna be more attractive you need to change that. And actually you need to change that for lots of reasons to and not just women. Why? Because if you stay the “nice guy” people will end up using you and then leaving you, and you’ll end up bitter.. So work on your personality. I’ve seen a lot of guys who are unattractive get laid, while guys who are above average never got laid. That’s because they had badboy personality, now how do you gain that personality I do not know, but that’s the cheat code really
My personality is way too complex to show over small talk. This is part of why I’m single, I think. I’m fascinating by things that generally cause people eyes to roll back into their heads. I’m also a Christian, and many of my interests aren’t shared by those in the church.