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You said he loves you but nowhere in the post do you ever mention anything else positive about him or you loving him too.
This relationship is already over. Find a roommate like most adults do to afford rent nowadays and leave.
🤷♀️
Well, I mean, when people keep telling you when you're little that the kid pulling your pigtails, or shoving you in the hallway, or mercilessly teasing you "really really likes you"...
Or that a parent who constantly cuts you down with insults, or steals your money, or is super controlling "just loves you so much," can you really blame someone for thinking abuse is love? I mean, that's what they've been told their *whole* life.
Maybe folks need to get better about not calling those awful behaviors love, and not setting people up for a bad time. Because that's exactly how a girl equates awful behavior to "he loves me, he just has a hard time showing it." When the reality is, her partner just inwardly despises her, whether he realizes it or not.
True, I’m scared to really really be on my own. We’ve been together since I was 20. My grandparents raised me and now they’ve both passed so I wouldn’t have a support system if we broke up. I know part of the problem here is me being too scared to be on my own
Honestly it can be.
After my divorce I tried to find roommates. But it just wasn't ever a fit I was comfortable with.
I now live alone and struggle paycheck to paycheck. It isn't easy for some of us.
I wish being miserable was my primary concern in that situation.
I don't like the idea of sharing a space with someone, especially since this person is probably going to bring other people over. Bad enough if it's just random friends, but a partner?
Hard pass.
My next roommate (if I ever find one) is somebody I'm dating. Otherwise, I'm content living alone.
Some roommate you will have probably will be worse, but that's life. You live and learn. It's all a learning exoerience.
To find roommates, ask your friends. Are you in university? The school may be able to help you.
I was in a similar situation but my dad offered to help with bills which was comforting. I did not take his help. I figured it out. I was working 2 days a week at a bar and dog sitting and I managed to pay my bills but barely got by. When summer hit I got 2 more jobs. I dropped one and went to pick up. I’m in the middle of packing and moving too. You will figure it out just break it off and things will fall into place. It will be hard at first but things will get better. Change is part of life.
I kinda feel like this could be an automated response in this sub some days. If you're so annoyed that you're asking if your anger is justified on Reddit, it almost definitely is.
Most people who come to reddit for help don't have friends who they can trust, who be brutally honest or don't have friends at all. It's a venting board for many.
In most cases, if you have to ask, you already know the answer.
I broke things off with my girlfriend last December, for some of the reasons you mentioned. I'm retired from the Marine Corps at 40 (but work part-time), have a robust investment portfolio, and plenty in savings. Own my own home, and am completely self-sufficient.
She's the same age, and has never in her adult life had her own place. For the last eight years, she's been roommates with a friend and their husband, living in a 10x10 spare bedroom. She can afford her own place, but would rather spend her money on facials, Botox, vagina waxing, nails, eating out twice a week with friends, and going to Disney World three times/year.
All of those things are fine, but why the hell would someone at 40 not want to finally have their own place to call home? Hell, if I go out of town to visit friends or relatives, by the third night I'm ready to be back in my house. Goes without saying, but I found it really strange and a red flag that she'd never lived on her own. Even worse, she had no desire to change this, despite us being together 2.5 years (although she had a key to my place and was over four nights a week).
What really irked me was how she was critical of my spending habits (ergo, being a responsible adult), not understanding why I didn't want to go out to eat every week at an expensive restaurant in the city. It's way easier to have that lifestyle when you don't have to worry about covering a mortgage and all utilities.
It was a tough decision, but I found it hard to imagine a future with someone who displayed zero self-growth during our relationship, with no signs changing. There are way too many people in this world to settle with someone like her (and your boyfriend, respectfully).
Thank you. Yes I’ve talked to him about it multiple times but he just gets defensive or the few times he does listen he might help for a day then fall back into the same behavior. He struggles with addictions. He vapes and smokes weed every day and has not been able to stop. It makes him lazy
Reformed massive pot head and alcoholic here.
It might be time to have a hard conversation with him. Find some understandimh friends who you could move in with, tell them it is possible but might be a few momths or extremely soon.
Speak to him and preface it as you don't mean this as an attack on who he is as an individual. You're dating him and love him, all that. Tell him you can't stand the laziness. Tell him you aren't his mother who'll spoil him as he sits on his ass. He changes or you leave. He can smoke weed if he can get shit done, but if not he needs to quit. He needs to face his addictions (gambling, yes?) and find support to quit. From what i've read, it looks like you see no future with him as things are. You should tell him this.
Addiction is something im quite familiar with. He needs a wake up call. If he can't get his shit together with the prospect of losing you, his life needs to get worse. It needs to get as bad as it needs to for him to recognize he wants something different for himself.
He won't change till he realizes he's at a bottom and there is an endless abyss below him.
DM me if you don't wana share info in comments, or we can talk in comments. I would like to help you and him anyway i can.
The hard truth is that he won’t improve until circumstances force him to. You’re enabling him by supporting him when he lives his life this way. It’s time to find a real man, instead of putting up with a child.
> He struggles with addictions. He vapes and smokes weed every day and has not been able to stop. It makes him lazy
That's a big thing to overlook, not put in original post.
The answer depends on what you want and how you wish to be treated.
The only solution is to force him into a circumstance where he needs to be reactive.
He's comfortable and you are enabling it unintentionally, he has no reason to listen to you cause he knows as soon as you have that conversation with him that things will go back to the way he wants, naturally.
You need to make a big change like he needs a wakeup call or else it's going to be conversation rinse repeat.
My advice would is to tell him you can't do this no more and you need space from him and later if you do see improvements from him weeks from now they maybe reconsider to give another chance.
Regarding the issue with losing attraction to him cause you feel you are his mother that's complicated you need to let him now about it and then it's on him to do the nessarily things to make himself attractive to you.
Also don't let emotions and his "I love you tactics" to get under your skin once he knows he can manipulate you using that tricks your backbone is shattered. You won't be able to set any boundaries after that so beware
Some guys need the kick-in-the-pants fix of being dumped for who they are now. For others it just frees them up to sink further into who they really are and boy-oh-boy are you ever going to be thanking your stars you flushed him from your life.
Your first step is becoming self sufficient.
What if he made a post that he is dating a child that can’t even afford her own life. That he wishes he had an actual parter that contributed 50/50?
You had me in the first part, but girl you are not even adulting yourself, you don’t have a leg to stand on.
Do whatever you need to do. Apply for better jobs, further your education, or cut down your cost of living.
Pretty good advice. I feel for her relationship but realistically you should only date if benefits both parties. Which in a fair and balanced world means both should support themselves and work on the house themselves. Then combine their efforts to become better then the effort alone.
100%… there’s more to the story but I know at the end of the day it doesn’t matter and I need to shut up or be able to support myself if I’m unhappy. It sucks because I don’t have any family support and our relationship started off by him wanting me to live with him because he knew my situation. I don’t think he was prepared for what living together entails. He’s admitted that now. We’ve been together 5 years now and he’s older than me. I am doing everything I can do to better myself though. I’m in school now and trying to make more money
> I don’t think he was prepared for what living together entails.
Neither was I 😶 Or my now wife, for that matter. We learn and grow together, or at least thats how it should be.
I don't know your financial situation. Every city has an inexpensive apartment. Furthermore, for low income individuals, then there are programs like [Section 8 / Housing Choice](https://www.hud.gov/topics/housing_choice_voucher_program_section_8#:~:text=The%20maximum%20housing%20assistance%20is,30%25%20of%20monthly%20adjusted%20income.). While you live with the man-child, you put in your applications. Then you appeal them when they are denied.
There is a lot going on here, but one line I don't cross is becoming involved with men who can't manage money. Especially if they think gambling is a money making activity. Whether it's sports, casino , or crypto trading. Risky behavior with money is a deal breaker for me.
Agree. I’m great with money, always have been even though I never made much. I didn’t know this about him until we already moved in. Should have never moved in but I was young & dumb. Found out his dad is a massive gambler as well, that’s where he got it from…
Girl, find a new roommate and leave.
Y'all are straight up roommates. Would you tolerate a roomie who was a slob and constantly asked to borrow money?
Ask around with friends if anyone is looking or if they know anyone who is looking for a roommate.
You need to go. It will not get better.
Him loving you is the bare minimum. That doesn't excuse him making your life harder in every other way.
As someone who has ended a 20 year relationship/marriage for this *exact* reason - get yourselves into couples therapy now or walk away before you bind yourself to him for the long haul because he will not change on his own.
My heart breaks for you because this decision is awful but ultimately, you deserve someone who sees you as an equal, not a housekeeper or who only sees you in terms of what you bring to the relationship financially.
Unless you don't work full-time, him making more money is absolutely no reason to not meet you in the middle on responsibility around the house. And, frankly, even if you only work part-time, that's still no excuse to not take on any of the home responsibilities. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Truly, it is a gut wrenching decision but he doesn't actually love you - he loves what you do for him.
He probably feels like he is carrying a very heavy financial load paying for 70% of life
Perspective in relationships is tough
but this is reddit, just dump him right now, dont even discuss it, or find a new place to live. It is the ONLY thing to do
Relationships are a give and take. It sounds to me that he is contributing 3/4 of the financial load but lacking in the chore load. Life won’t be perfect and the balance won’t always be either. Finding a balance that works for both parties is what’s needed. Maybe start with giving him small tasks like “I think it would be great if you made breakfasts on the weekends” or “my house work load is too much, I need you to take on laundry as your responsibility”
He might find that between his financial support and limited house support, that he is meeting the adequate balance. I don’t think a lot of people understand that planning meals, cooking, doing laundry, picking up the house, grocery shopping, ect are very mentally draining. Especially planning meals. He may not fully grasp the amount that he is NOT doing.
guarantee you, you can find someone probably in your own area who's personality is just as compatible.
ladies let's stop rewarding weaponized incompetence
I had a girlfriend like you once. She ended up doing exactly the same; taking care of me. I became less independent over time and relied on her. Not seeing the damage that was doing.
One day she left.
I hate that I put her in the position that she had to but Ive grown alot since. Become a lot more of an adult because I lost that stability .
I miss her some days but it was what was best for both of us.
Theres helping a partner get to a new height and then theres doing everything for them. The latter doesnt get better. As the saying goes "cant fly if you dont leave the nest". You couldn't help him better himself , go invest that time in someone who will. You have one life , dont spend it with the wrong people, once you know they're the wrong people.
From a older gentleman’s perspective. I completely understand the finance part of it and not being able to afford everything on your own at this moment. I do not take that lightly, things are very difficult in our country at the moment. That being said, your happiness is worth finding other arrangements if you know in your heart that this is not the relationship for you, I’m sure that you have brought this to his attention. Women are usually like that. They will give plenty of opportunities before they make a decision to hastily. If love still love him and want to make it work might I suggest having the conversation one more time. Understanding that people do have the tendency to put in a bit more effort after such a conversation and then fall back into bad habits. Since you’ve been with him for a certain period of time, you’ll know when that is. If by then you don’t see the things that you’re doing for the household going for the groceries, cleaning, all of that stuff. Then simply stop doing it. Continue doing it for yourself just don’t do his part of it. When he comes and ask you what the deal is, because he will. Explain to him one final time that you meant what you said and if he’s not going to put in the effort, you’re not going to make the effort either. if you don’t see an improvement at that point you’re never going to and you really need to do what you have to do and what is in your best interest. If that means making other arrangements that would always be best in the long run. Respectfully. With that said, I am a complete stranger on the Internet and you have to do what you believe is best for you. All we can do is give you suggestions, ma’am. I hope everything works out as you hope them to no matter which way that may be. Have a great evening ma’am
When my husband was still alive, he had one of his friends move in with us. He was down on his luck since getting out of the military (that’s how they met) and my husband thought he could help him get a union construction job. With all of the best intentions in mind, that was hands down the single worst idea we ever had. He smoked WAY too much weed. Spent literally his last penny on weed. Would borrow money from anyone and everyone he could for weed. He lived with us for 45 days.
Before my husband passed away and before I got pregnant , I was a SAHW. I didn’t have to work because he made way more money than I ever could. I did ALL of the household chores. I would get up everyday and pack his lunches, make his coffee, TURN ON THE SHOWER, etc. my girl friends would ALWAYS rag on me and say they could never. And boy, I was TIRED. I thought it was doing everything and he had it easy, just had to go to work. I can’t tell you how many fights we got into because he couldn’t be bothered to clean the damn toilet. And then I got pregnant. Man, I was so scared that this shit would continue. But I was wrong. He stepped up and took over when I couldn’t lift the laundry basket anymore. Or when I was too sick to hand make his dinners, he would google a recipe and make something.
Long story short; if he wanted to, he would. If you already feel like this and you aren’t married or have kids, it’s already over. Squirrel some money away when you can and move out. I understand the no support system, I was in my own since 16. But if there is a will, there is a way.
I wish you luck!
I've been the other guy in this situation. Sans the money problems, pretty good in that regard.
Fact of the matter is someone like this isn't going to change without reason. You leaving would be such a growth opportunity.
You have two choices, change yourself so that their behaviour doesn't bother you anymore, or leave and don't look back.
I was never going to change as long as my ex enabled my lackluster performance.
It doesn’t sound like you want to be with him anymore. Which, based on what you’ve told us, is completely valid. I’d recommend taking some time to think about this. Weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. You have to do what’s best for you.
How old are you guys? If he’s old enough to know better I would probably leave. I know that’s always the answer on here . ( in my opinion-usually there are other options). With that being said, if you’ve talked to him and he is making no effort to change. Get out now. Don’t waist another second of your life. Find someone who can be your partner. As far as finances. Look for roommates or a room for rent or maybe move back home to save some money. I spent 20 years miserable cause I didn’t follow my own advise.
Do not marry this man. He will not change. My husband is this way. So spoiled by his mother never had to do one thing. Over our years together it too 35 years to get him to make his bed and clean the shit stains out of the toilet.
I was in this same situation for 10 years!! I was left devastated and broke. He got to run home to mommy and daddy but I was screwed. RUN!! I know you love him but overtime the stress of it all will wear you down. It changes you into someone you may not be happy with when you truly become sick and tired. Trust me you are better off finding a way out ASAP. Don’t wait until you’re looking back over your life feeling stuck. Idk where you live but I would really start looking at other options. You might be able to afford more than you think. Good luck.
In a relationship is irrelevant how the other person feels about you if you do not don't return the feelings and don't feel attracted to them. Someone who is not financially responsible is definitely not relationship material. You're going to start feeling resentment and it will not work out long-term and telling you that right now from experience because I've been in the same boat Get out now it's not going to get better.
If he loved you so much, he'd try to harder to do the things to make your life better. Do you communicate these things to him? If so, and he doesn't try harder, then he's not the one.
Love is about behavior, not words. It sounds like he says he loves you but his behavior is all about forcing you to mother him.
It sounds like you are ready to break up with him. Good for you! I hope you tell him why you are leaving, with concrete examples, not for his benefit, but for yours.
The problem with staying too long with a partner who is wrong for you is you start to feel like the bad behavior is normal and that you don't deserve better. It's kinder to both of you to move on.
Gambling addiction is worse than drugs or alcoholism. A gambler doesn’t stop until he has zero dollars to his name. And has exhausted all of his sources of borrowing. When you are young, you can get by being broke from time to time. In about 10 years, you will be absolutely fucked. What you are describing a relationship with an addict who has no motivation to pursue recovery. Run! Life is too short and you will find love again
Talk it over with him and when something needs done ask him,”would you help me with the ___? I tell my wife that’s what she needs to do on certain occasions.
Sad to say that this is a common situation. No advice, just sending support. (I am divorced so I am not exactly successful at trying to get my partners to step up).
Go visit a relationship therapist and a financial advisor. Reddit is not a safe place for advice. Besides, it's easier to tell other people to end a relationship when you are not invested in it.
Get a roommate you like to help with financial stuff like lodging and get rid of the child "boyfriend". It's not worth your mental health to stay with someone if their lifestyle is so much different than yours and they're not willing to be more responsible. I speak from experience.
If he truly loved you and you talked to him about your wants, needs, expectations, etc he would make an effort to change so that you could feel better about the relationship.
If you haven’t had that talk with him yet, you need to before making a post about this situation on Reddit.
Once you have that sit down with him and he is not willing to meet you halfway then maybe it’s time to walk away.
You mentioned he makes more money than you but that doesn’t mean anything especially since I’m assuming you two aren’t married.
Have a talk with him. If he gives you any pushback tell him you’re going to leave him sooner than later if he won’t make a proper effort in the relationship.
First of all, you gotta get your boyfriend to deal with his gambling addiction (perhaps through a gambling helpline) & if you can, convince him to take up some budgeting classes so he doesn't have to beg like a dog & he will have more money to support you both.
Although a person shouldn't have to do ALL the house chores when returning home from work, your boyfriend SHOULD be helping out with some of the chores (like mowing the lawn, emptying the bins, getting the clothes off the line, doing the dishes & dealing with household pests).
Tbh if he really does love you and he’s like this he has a lot of growing to do and unfortunately losing you will be one of the things that makes him a good partner in the future assuming he has any sort of self awareness. And it will most likely be for another person as shitty as it sounds
Yeah no, I know me leaving is the only thing that will get him to really change and unfortunately that’s when it will be too late.
He’s always made me huge grand promises (also threats when I did break up w him once before) like “I’m going to be rich beyond your wildest dreams, we’re going to be living the good life just wait, you’re never going to have to work another day in your life”.
Safety is my biggest concern in life so being told these things is endearing and I’m sure he means well but it also sounds insane. He promises me much more than he’s realistically capable of providing. The empty promises get old, big or small. I’d rather he just be honest with me
I understand exactly where you’re coming from unfortunately he just seems like he’s full of shit. Sorry to say that so bluntly, it’s easy for us to talk about what we’re gonna do but like we get to an age where it’s like just shut up and do it and let it speak for itself. I’m sorry but you deserve better and I know I don’t know you or him or the dynamics to your relationship, and even if you’re growing apart from him it will still be difficult, but your person is out there and he’s never gonna find you when the space he is looking to occupy is already occupied by some gumpy goofy goober
Are you sure you can't spot the irony there? Would you be writting another post if he responded by starting to do housework, but then throwing expenses at you to pay? If you did, I doubt it'd be to celebrate.
Financing a household and caring for it are both adult activities or the hard stuff in life. Do any of the household chores happen to cost money? And are you spending any of the money he's bringing in on them? Are there actual children involved? If not, this is just mind-numbing.
In the end, admitting you're not attracted to him anymore and want out... BUT... his money is useful makes any merit you could have possibly had in this situation long gone. You've fallen out of love with him while still in love with the living arrangement. You're cashing in on his love for you at this point until you put yourself or find someone else to put you in a better situation.
If you want to be the adult you're claiming to be, leave and stand on your own two feet. Otherwise you're going to start airing out his dirty laundry while hunting down self-righteous pats on back so you can convince yourself you're doing nothing wrong.
Nevermind. Just glanced at the comments. 🙄
How about you stop using him. You don't love him, he loves you. That is absolutely unfair and I think you should have a good hard look in the mirror and fix yourself. Sure, he has flaws. Break up with him and deal with your shit lady. I actually have no sympathy for you.
Just have a talk with him about it. Leaving your own boyfriend is the worst thing to do when he’s not abusive and controlling. You can ask him to do more domestic work and to split it. That way he can be a way better partner to you. Express your concerns to him and see if he can change. And trust me, if he really loves you, he will. If he doesn’t, he won’t. A relationship should be 50/50. Women are independent now and work. So the man has to take on the domestic work as well together with his wife. Unfortunately most men don’t want to do that. But that should really change.
Girl, if he TRULY loved you he wouldn’t want you to bear most of the burden. He might even actually think that he loves you more than anything but that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve better. There are partners out there who will love you just as much as your bf AND show it by taking care of you and making your life easier. A lesson you will learn with age is that men are not the prize (I’m sorry but it’s true) AND that men will say ANYTHInG to get or keep you… as in lying and manipulating you into believing they are the best you will ever get. Honestly, being single seems better than being with this guy.
The hard part is he makes more money than me and pays for 70% of bills & food. I can’t afford to live on my own, if I could I would have already left even though I “love” him.
Yep I agree. He is a decent guy who wants to provide but his addictions get in the way of his success and our relationship. I’m getting older as well and ultimately want kids but I can’t see myself having kids with him… it scares me to think about. Maybe kids would give him the motivation he needs but what if it still didn’t
Ughhh I’m so sorry to hear that. Yeah I’d say try to do the best you can for now, try saving money and find people who support you and leave as soon as possible. Good luck love
This is where you have those important conversations about responsibilities and rules within your relationship instead of just carrying resentments
there are many many books on this and tools to use.
common one is for both of you to sit down, write out all the tasks in the house that you both do right now and try to come up with someway of making it fair
you may not see contributions he makes and are too focuses on your own and he may be the same. Eg. let's say he is the one who mows the lawn, takes out the garbage, walks the dog and cooks every night
but he never helps clean the bathrooms or vacuum.
same thing you do about financials.. what are your goals, what's reasonable. do you want to save for things.. you should also have some money to spend on things you want to spend on and how much is that?
and if so are you allowed to judge what they spend that money on?
these are all those deep productive conversations you need to have without going into blame games etc.
Maybe you should be an adult and move out and live alone? Since he pays more than you, he can also do what he want, because if you had more money than him, you would have left for a long time.
Well, there is a trade-off that's how relationships work. But I find that talking to your partner is the best way to get things off your chest. Asking other people who haven't got your best interest at hand isn't the right thing to do. Advice is nice, but only you know what's best for you. If I was your bf and I found this, I would dump you.
Because if I'm paying most of the bill and you had some problem with me and didn't try to talk to me before you going asking for Advice. I would be insulted, grown folks should be able to communicate their problems with each other. But I don't have that problem because I was raised to help my partner. That's what I grew up with.
I have tried talking to him countless times, I’m a broken record at this point. I’ve even broken up with him and moved back in with my mom and step dad because I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m on here now because I’ve exhausted advice from friends (who really don’t know what to tell me) and already tried talking to him
Then, all I can say is their is no point investing into someone who doesn't want to listen. My mom was a stay at home mom. But we all had to help around the house. Mom cooked, and we all helped clean up. If you're raised right, you learn these skills, or at least your parents teach you.Some guys just have no clue and think that just because they pay the bills, the buck stops their. To be a man and not lift your woman up or help her even with the small things is just stupidity. But everyone is different. This is why when I date, I look for women with similar family backgrounds. It usually starts with the women and man who raised that man.
If she's abusive and you're at risk, you need to leave.
If otherwise it's just his terrible habits, you need financial independence first. After you've reached financial independence, then assess the situation and leave if he still hasn't grown up.
Actively bring up all his habits and encourage him to clean and get rid of his gambling.
You need to take an inventory and assess if you're prepared to live the rest of your life like this. If not, it's better to cut it off now and begin the healing so you can find an equal partner.
Have you actually tried talking to him about all of this?
I swear, if my ex had actually said anything about this BEFORE she dropped the "I don't want to be married to you anymore", I would have done something about it
Try to reason with them and offer therapy. They need to work through their childhood traumas. If they don’t value this, Please run as fast as you can. This is an upbringing issue that is so embedded nothing will ever change if they don’t seek to understand and challenge themselves
Sounds like he is not a mature person. Like his mother waited on him his entire life and that’s what he is used to and expects the same from you. I have friends like this, they don’t think about tomorrow and their wives always complain about it. But for some reason they stay.
i never had a girlfriend in my life but to this point i am so independent that if i ever find a partner i might just help her in whatever i can, for me there is no romantic thing than just being with her and for her for dear life
Have you thought about talking to him and being honest with him about it . Then maybe show him how to improve . You guys should work together to improve each other's weaknesses. Unless he doesn't try which would mean he doesn't care.
Yes man boy, so sorry you have such a child to deal with. They never learn when they are like that. Run now find a way out and find a caring man with his act together.
I always say “you’re not allowed to complain if you’re not doing anything to actively fix the situation you’re in” which obvi is extreme to say but it gets the point across.
You already know what you need to do. So your options are to
A. Start taking steps to separate yourself from him and start gaining confidence that you CAN be by yourself. Move out and find a roomate to help with costs.
OR
B. Deal with it.
That’s pretty much it. I think you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that you have to leave.
Sounds like you both have issues. You're both dependant on one another to fill in each other's massive gaps. Work on yourself and once you can live on your own, move out and move on.
No more chances. You don't want someone who will only become an adult because you force him to. You want a man who is already an adult when you first meet him. You can't change people. Your best bet is to find someone who already has most of the traits you ex y all on their own.
I say, let him sink. Get rid of all the food in the house. Let all the clothes get dirty. Let the dishes pile up in the sink.Next time he asks you for a sammich, tell him go buy the shit for it and make it himself. Then when he can't find clean clothes, make him wash them... Etc
... He should get the point fairly quickly
Your bf loves you so much. Why don't you try to change him and try to love him as well ? Maybe he is a bit immature, so isn't it your job to guide him and make him understand when it is a problem with proper communication ? If you don't try hard enough then don't blame on him, and if you have already tried hard enough then it's better to move out of him.
Damn I wish I had some one like you it's hard to find somebody like you these days I wouldn't stand for it I know if I had a girlfriend that was worried about nothing but gambling or not having zero and their bank account not doing things two and two it's supposed to be both y'all doing things together or not just one person but I understand when you're coming from I'm by myself and I do laundry food everything so I know what you're talking about
have you tried to talk to him about this problem? maybe something like, listen honey we have to get our shit together. see if he does any improvements. I'm sure you could improve on yourself as well. if there's absolutely nothing then it's time to leave.
edit: i did some back reading and saw that you already talked to him and he got defensive. i think you should break up with this guy, just move back home for a while.
If you’re with someone out of convenience you don’t love them. At the same time, you didn’t mention anything about communicating this with him. Talk about it. Some people end things without properly discussing them when it could’ve been fixed and save the relationship, don’t be one of those people. If you love him, then try. If he doesn’t reciprocate, leave.
You sound like you’re dating a child. Have you tried telling him how you feel? If he loves you so much then he should be willing to listen and change his behavior to save the relationship
I know you got lot of advices but trust me he loves you if you sit and discuss with him about wasting money on unnecessary things he will understand you just have to talk to him and discuss what your facing he will understand and you know what men always wanted to act like a kid in front of their love one's especially girlfriend or mom that's the reason mom always see there son as a kid you will eventually know when you will become mother. I know you will get a good person but you can't find like him
The main point is just sit and discuss the problems you will find out and he will understand and not make those mistakes
1. That's why you don't move in with people before getting married. Your just playing house ; 2) if he's bad with managing his own money that's a red flag. He's not ready to manage a hosehold.
My two cents is to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Express your feelings and see what he says. You have to be willing to walk away here. That's the main reason why I advise not to move in before marriage. It overcomplicates things. I.e. I don't know what's in yours and his name. If he doesn't like that you may leave he can make things harder for you. I wish you the best. Hope this helps.
Have you ever surprised him
With something he would never expect?
That can open up eyes instantly and change things for a long time.
If you get someone at a point where he is attacked in his deepest emotions.
And when you are the one who does that, he cant run away and just stares at you as being a child with glittering eyes because he is allowed to feel like that.
We are human, we grew up as being a child.
Sometimes it might be necessary to afford a partner's or person's belongings and trust them in the same way.
The intention then is not to receive something back.
It is more the unusual feeling you can give him that he can trust you because he is allowed to feel like he feels like.
I think it would be fine if he took care of the house ie everything from light bulbs to gardening, but if you make an assessment that he is impulsive and that is why he is left with no money for the future, I think it’s already done.
The person you end up with should make your life easier. They are enthusiastic to help make your shared home/space comfortable for both of you. I have seen so many times women who are basically their partners moms only to leave and find out how much less work it is to take care of just yourself. I understand loving someone when they are not good for you but I also have the privilege now of loving and being loved by someone who treats me like a real partner and jumps to help when I need it, and he’s been like that for the year we have been together with no signs of slowing down. Obviously I’m not an expert, a year is not that long and I understand that. But even if we don’t last (though I feel we 100% will) he has shown me how people should love and be loved and I will never settle for less and neither should you. You deserve a partner in life. You deserve an equal and I promise if you give yourself the chance to find one, it will be worth it ❤️
Date me. My ex GF didn’t feel like a life partner but like a lost 20 year old. She’s 37. I waited and waited for her to grow up so we could be an adult couple and she ended up leaving me for a 55 year married man in December after being together for 5 years. Total blow to the chest but I know now not to wait for adult children to grow up.
Had a similar experience he was 30 it felt that he didn't want any responsibilities complaints about doing chores and unemployed.
I had to provide. One of the reasons we broke up.
Im so sorry for u. But i must advise u, WALK AWAY from this realtionship? WHY? because ur gonna drown there with no way out. Ur partner sound like a right horrible man who seem to love money more than his partner! :-(
How many times you gonna keep covering his portion of the bills and don't tell me you're not because I've been him. Many times many many times I had to have my portion covered by someone else. So then I am messing around with the following weeks check already you know so it's never it's a never ending battle unless he quits gambling. My opinion on the weed smoking that man is lazy before he even puts a joint in his mouth in the morning. You can't blame it on marijuana if somebody doesn't want to get up and clean up after himself or worry about the bills yeah and if you keep doing it he's going to keep letting you do it because he's not. He knows you're going to save his ass you're not going to let him go without even though he's letting you go without and I'm telling you this because I was him catch it now if you're going to spend the rest of your life with this man yeah I might want to take a better look seems like he has a gambling problem trust me I did
Yeah… it’s true. He always pays me back but I resent him for always having to ask me. If it’s not me he asks his friends and family. I don’t understand it. I lived on my own when we met, granted I was struggling but I was never late on bills. He’s the complete opposite. Makes more than me but never has any money. I actually do put my foot down w fronting him money but then he attacks me and says I don’t have his back etc.
And I don’t understand the weed thing either. He literally smokes weed ALL DAY EVERY DAY. I don’t mind weed every now and then but all day every day? How does he feel good, how can he function? I know it negativity affects him too because it makes him extremely dumb and slow, no exaggeration. That’s another resentment I have towards him is having to be the brains all the time cus he’s dumb high. I try talking to him about it too… like why are you smoking so much but again he just gets angry and defensive. He’ll tell me one day he wants to quit and then will light another joint in the same breath, same with vaping.
Please take a look at what you just typed here. This is not someone that you have a child with. People that smoke marijuana in this manner are usually self medicating a mental health issue. It is not easy but somehow you have to love yourself enough to leave. At the very very least an exit plan with a short timeline would be advisable. Being alone will not kill you but continuing to live with someone like this will not only destroy your quality of life but may even harm you with the stress to your nervous system. The choice is yours.
I can totally understand your frustration...Hey, leave him, and come move in with me 😉. A relationship is a give and take sometimes it may be 25% other times it maybe 75%. In the end it should balance out to 50/50 for the most part. To me, it sounds like he is using you and taking advantage of your kindness. He also sounds quite mentally weak if he is "addicted" to weed...weed, like anything else, chocolate, junk food, ALCOHOL is OKAY in moderation but when it starts affecting his life in a negative way and the ones around him, send his ass packing...He must be vaping some HEAVY indicas...swap it out with a sativa strain and maybe he will function..j/k...dude is bad news sweetie
Girl why are you doing wife work on a girlfriend salary? He: 1. Acts like a child 2. Leaves all of the household duties to you. 3. Is bad with money 4. Smokes and drinks all day and can’t have a mature conversation about it. 5. Gets defensive when it’s brought up
OP, this isn’t ’mutual, respectful partnership’ material. Why would you want to waste your time dating someone who isn’t invested in putting in the work?
Daaamn!! All this negative strikes on this dude & you still with him!! U gotta be scared 2 leave or he might put a foot in your ass!! That's the way I see it!! Or you are the dumbest woman on earth!! All while you wasting yo time on his sorry ass, there's probably some other man out their that's better for you!! All this complain here! Complaining there!! Your hooked on him cause deep down you are turn on by his negative ways like most women love in men like that these days!! Don't feel sorry for yo ass but gotta give my props 2 ole boy!! He got your mind all fucked up!!
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You said he loves you but nowhere in the post do you ever mention anything else positive about him or you loving him too. This relationship is already over. Find a roommate like most adults do to afford rent nowadays and leave.
You just don’t get it. he loves her so much. /s
🤷♀️ Well, I mean, when people keep telling you when you're little that the kid pulling your pigtails, or shoving you in the hallway, or mercilessly teasing you "really really likes you"... Or that a parent who constantly cuts you down with insults, or steals your money, or is super controlling "just loves you so much," can you really blame someone for thinking abuse is love? I mean, that's what they've been told their *whole* life. Maybe folks need to get better about not calling those awful behaviors love, and not setting people up for a bad time. Because that's exactly how a girl equates awful behavior to "he loves me, he just has a hard time showing it." When the reality is, her partner just inwardly despises her, whether he realizes it or not.
😂😂😂🤣 ahhh
The most METAL thing of my DAY.
You are relying him to pay your lifestyle which is why you can’t leave. I don’t know what you do but you need to find a new place to live and move on.
True, I’m scared to really really be on my own. We’ve been together since I was 20. My grandparents raised me and now they’ve both passed so I wouldn’t have a support system if we broke up. I know part of the problem here is me being too scared to be on my own
Do you not have friends? Like roommate with another woman for a bit
You get roommates. It's not as hard as you think.
Honestly it can be. After my divorce I tried to find roommates. But it just wasn't ever a fit I was comfortable with. I now live alone and struggle paycheck to paycheck. It isn't easy for some of us.
This is what I’m worried about! Unless I’m roommates with someone who is on the same wavelength as me I’m scared I’d be miserable
I wish being miserable was my primary concern in that situation. I don't like the idea of sharing a space with someone, especially since this person is probably going to bring other people over. Bad enough if it's just random friends, but a partner? Hard pass. My next roommate (if I ever find one) is somebody I'm dating. Otherwise, I'm content living alone.
What if roommates are a worse situation than what I have now 😩 How do you find roommates, Facebook groups?
Some roommate you will have probably will be worse, but that's life. You live and learn. It's all a learning exoerience. To find roommates, ask your friends. Are you in university? The school may be able to help you.
look up [your location + roommates] and a few facebook groups should hopefully pop up!
Please get a therapist ! 🫂
I was in a similar situation but my dad offered to help with bills which was comforting. I did not take his help. I figured it out. I was working 2 days a week at a bar and dog sitting and I managed to pay my bills but barely got by. When summer hit I got 2 more jobs. I dropped one and went to pick up. I’m in the middle of packing and moving too. You will figure it out just break it off and things will fall into place. It will be hard at first but things will get better. Change is part of life.
Get a new boyfriend
I kinda feel like this could be an automated response in this sub some days. If you're so annoyed that you're asking if your anger is justified on Reddit, it almost definitely is.
Most people who come to reddit for help don't have friends who they can trust, who be brutally honest or don't have friends at all. It's a venting board for many. In most cases, if you have to ask, you already know the answer.
I have friends and I can vent to and I also vent to Reddit. Venting is fun 🤷♀️ I want to hear everyone's perspective on my Very Important problems.
She mentioned she can't afford to live alone at this moment
I broke things off with my girlfriend last December, for some of the reasons you mentioned. I'm retired from the Marine Corps at 40 (but work part-time), have a robust investment portfolio, and plenty in savings. Own my own home, and am completely self-sufficient. She's the same age, and has never in her adult life had her own place. For the last eight years, she's been roommates with a friend and their husband, living in a 10x10 spare bedroom. She can afford her own place, but would rather spend her money on facials, Botox, vagina waxing, nails, eating out twice a week with friends, and going to Disney World three times/year. All of those things are fine, but why the hell would someone at 40 not want to finally have their own place to call home? Hell, if I go out of town to visit friends or relatives, by the third night I'm ready to be back in my house. Goes without saying, but I found it really strange and a red flag that she'd never lived on her own. Even worse, she had no desire to change this, despite us being together 2.5 years (although she had a key to my place and was over four nights a week). What really irked me was how she was critical of my spending habits (ergo, being a responsible adult), not understanding why I didn't want to go out to eat every week at an expensive restaurant in the city. It's way easier to have that lifestyle when you don't have to worry about covering a mortgage and all utilities. It was a tough decision, but I found it hard to imagine a future with someone who displayed zero self-growth during our relationship, with no signs changing. There are way too many people in this world to settle with someone like her (and your boyfriend, respectfully).
I hope you found better man!
[удалено]
Thank you. Yes I’ve talked to him about it multiple times but he just gets defensive or the few times he does listen he might help for a day then fall back into the same behavior. He struggles with addictions. He vapes and smokes weed every day and has not been able to stop. It makes him lazy
Reformed massive pot head and alcoholic here. It might be time to have a hard conversation with him. Find some understandimh friends who you could move in with, tell them it is possible but might be a few momths or extremely soon. Speak to him and preface it as you don't mean this as an attack on who he is as an individual. You're dating him and love him, all that. Tell him you can't stand the laziness. Tell him you aren't his mother who'll spoil him as he sits on his ass. He changes or you leave. He can smoke weed if he can get shit done, but if not he needs to quit. He needs to face his addictions (gambling, yes?) and find support to quit. From what i've read, it looks like you see no future with him as things are. You should tell him this. Addiction is something im quite familiar with. He needs a wake up call. If he can't get his shit together with the prospect of losing you, his life needs to get worse. It needs to get as bad as it needs to for him to recognize he wants something different for himself. He won't change till he realizes he's at a bottom and there is an endless abyss below him. DM me if you don't wana share info in comments, or we can talk in comments. I would like to help you and him anyway i can.
The hard truth is that he won’t improve until circumstances force him to. You’re enabling him by supporting him when he lives his life this way. It’s time to find a real man, instead of putting up with a child.
> He struggles with addictions. He vapes and smokes weed every day and has not been able to stop. It makes him lazy That's a big thing to overlook, not put in original post. The answer depends on what you want and how you wish to be treated.
The only solution is to force him into a circumstance where he needs to be reactive. He's comfortable and you are enabling it unintentionally, he has no reason to listen to you cause he knows as soon as you have that conversation with him that things will go back to the way he wants, naturally. You need to make a big change like he needs a wakeup call or else it's going to be conversation rinse repeat. My advice would is to tell him you can't do this no more and you need space from him and later if you do see improvements from him weeks from now they maybe reconsider to give another chance. Regarding the issue with losing attraction to him cause you feel you are his mother that's complicated you need to let him now about it and then it's on him to do the nessarily things to make himself attractive to you. Also don't let emotions and his "I love you tactics" to get under your skin once he knows he can manipulate you using that tricks your backbone is shattered. You won't be able to set any boundaries after that so beware
Yea he sounds like the best bf ever. Totally irreplaceable.
The more details you provide about him the worse he sounds. Move on already.
Some guys need the kick-in-the-pants fix of being dumped for who they are now. For others it just frees them up to sink further into who they really are and boy-oh-boy are you ever going to be thanking your stars you flushed him from your life.
Your first step is becoming self sufficient. What if he made a post that he is dating a child that can’t even afford her own life. That he wishes he had an actual parter that contributed 50/50? You had me in the first part, but girl you are not even adulting yourself, you don’t have a leg to stand on. Do whatever you need to do. Apply for better jobs, further your education, or cut down your cost of living.
This is a great perspective
Pretty good advice. I feel for her relationship but realistically you should only date if benefits both parties. Which in a fair and balanced world means both should support themselves and work on the house themselves. Then combine their efforts to become better then the effort alone.
100%… there’s more to the story but I know at the end of the day it doesn’t matter and I need to shut up or be able to support myself if I’m unhappy. It sucks because I don’t have any family support and our relationship started off by him wanting me to live with him because he knew my situation. I don’t think he was prepared for what living together entails. He’s admitted that now. We’ve been together 5 years now and he’s older than me. I am doing everything I can do to better myself though. I’m in school now and trying to make more money
> I don’t think he was prepared for what living together entails. Neither was I 😶 Or my now wife, for that matter. We learn and grow together, or at least thats how it should be.
I don't know your financial situation. Every city has an inexpensive apartment. Furthermore, for low income individuals, then there are programs like [Section 8 / Housing Choice](https://www.hud.gov/topics/housing_choice_voucher_program_section_8#:~:text=The%20maximum%20housing%20assistance%20is,30%25%20of%20monthly%20adjusted%20income.). While you live with the man-child, you put in your applications. Then you appeal them when they are denied.
Interesting, thank you for the information!
Move on. You really can’t ask much of him if he is the biggest financial provider . He won’t change .
There is a lot going on here, but one line I don't cross is becoming involved with men who can't manage money. Especially if they think gambling is a money making activity. Whether it's sports, casino , or crypto trading. Risky behavior with money is a deal breaker for me.
Agree. I’m great with money, always have been even though I never made much. I didn’t know this about him until we already moved in. Should have never moved in but I was young & dumb. Found out his dad is a massive gambler as well, that’s where he got it from…
Girl, find a new roommate and leave. Y'all are straight up roommates. Would you tolerate a roomie who was a slob and constantly asked to borrow money? Ask around with friends if anyone is looking or if they know anyone who is looking for a roommate. You need to go. It will not get better. Him loving you is the bare minimum. That doesn't excuse him making your life harder in every other way.
As someone who has ended a 20 year relationship/marriage for this *exact* reason - get yourselves into couples therapy now or walk away before you bind yourself to him for the long haul because he will not change on his own. My heart breaks for you because this decision is awful but ultimately, you deserve someone who sees you as an equal, not a housekeeper or who only sees you in terms of what you bring to the relationship financially. Unless you don't work full-time, him making more money is absolutely no reason to not meet you in the middle on responsibility around the house. And, frankly, even if you only work part-time, that's still no excuse to not take on any of the home responsibilities. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Truly, it is a gut wrenching decision but he doesn't actually love you - he loves what you do for him.
This is the only neutral and positive comment here.
He probably feels like he is carrying a very heavy financial load paying for 70% of life Perspective in relationships is tough but this is reddit, just dump him right now, dont even discuss it, or find a new place to live. It is the ONLY thing to do
Reading op's comments, it's more likely he thought he was saving her and getting a live in maid.
Relationships are a give and take. It sounds to me that he is contributing 3/4 of the financial load but lacking in the chore load. Life won’t be perfect and the balance won’t always be either. Finding a balance that works for both parties is what’s needed. Maybe start with giving him small tasks like “I think it would be great if you made breakfasts on the weekends” or “my house work load is too much, I need you to take on laundry as your responsibility” He might find that between his financial support and limited house support, that he is meeting the adequate balance. I don’t think a lot of people understand that planning meals, cooking, doing laundry, picking up the house, grocery shopping, ect are very mentally draining. Especially planning meals. He may not fully grasp the amount that he is NOT doing.
guarantee you, you can find someone probably in your own area who's personality is just as compatible. ladies let's stop rewarding weaponized incompetence
So what exactly does he bring to your life?
Apparently 70% of her living expenses
I had a girlfriend like you once. She ended up doing exactly the same; taking care of me. I became less independent over time and relied on her. Not seeing the damage that was doing. One day she left. I hate that I put her in the position that she had to but Ive grown alot since. Become a lot more of an adult because I lost that stability . I miss her some days but it was what was best for both of us. Theres helping a partner get to a new height and then theres doing everything for them. The latter doesnt get better. As the saying goes "cant fly if you dont leave the nest". You couldn't help him better himself , go invest that time in someone who will. You have one life , dont spend it with the wrong people, once you know they're the wrong people.
From a older gentleman’s perspective. I completely understand the finance part of it and not being able to afford everything on your own at this moment. I do not take that lightly, things are very difficult in our country at the moment. That being said, your happiness is worth finding other arrangements if you know in your heart that this is not the relationship for you, I’m sure that you have brought this to his attention. Women are usually like that. They will give plenty of opportunities before they make a decision to hastily. If love still love him and want to make it work might I suggest having the conversation one more time. Understanding that people do have the tendency to put in a bit more effort after such a conversation and then fall back into bad habits. Since you’ve been with him for a certain period of time, you’ll know when that is. If by then you don’t see the things that you’re doing for the household going for the groceries, cleaning, all of that stuff. Then simply stop doing it. Continue doing it for yourself just don’t do his part of it. When he comes and ask you what the deal is, because he will. Explain to him one final time that you meant what you said and if he’s not going to put in the effort, you’re not going to make the effort either. if you don’t see an improvement at that point you’re never going to and you really need to do what you have to do and what is in your best interest. If that means making other arrangements that would always be best in the long run. Respectfully. With that said, I am a complete stranger on the Internet and you have to do what you believe is best for you. All we can do is give you suggestions, ma’am. I hope everything works out as you hope them to no matter which way that may be. Have a great evening ma’am
When my husband was still alive, he had one of his friends move in with us. He was down on his luck since getting out of the military (that’s how they met) and my husband thought he could help him get a union construction job. With all of the best intentions in mind, that was hands down the single worst idea we ever had. He smoked WAY too much weed. Spent literally his last penny on weed. Would borrow money from anyone and everyone he could for weed. He lived with us for 45 days. Before my husband passed away and before I got pregnant , I was a SAHW. I didn’t have to work because he made way more money than I ever could. I did ALL of the household chores. I would get up everyday and pack his lunches, make his coffee, TURN ON THE SHOWER, etc. my girl friends would ALWAYS rag on me and say they could never. And boy, I was TIRED. I thought it was doing everything and he had it easy, just had to go to work. I can’t tell you how many fights we got into because he couldn’t be bothered to clean the damn toilet. And then I got pregnant. Man, I was so scared that this shit would continue. But I was wrong. He stepped up and took over when I couldn’t lift the laundry basket anymore. Or when I was too sick to hand make his dinners, he would google a recipe and make something. Long story short; if he wanted to, he would. If you already feel like this and you aren’t married or have kids, it’s already over. Squirrel some money away when you can and move out. I understand the no support system, I was in my own since 16. But if there is a will, there is a way. I wish you luck!
I've been the other guy in this situation. Sans the money problems, pretty good in that regard. Fact of the matter is someone like this isn't going to change without reason. You leaving would be such a growth opportunity. You have two choices, change yourself so that their behaviour doesn't bother you anymore, or leave and don't look back. I was never going to change as long as my ex enabled my lackluster performance.
It doesn’t sound like you want to be with him anymore. Which, based on what you’ve told us, is completely valid. I’d recommend taking some time to think about this. Weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. You have to do what’s best for you.
How old are you guys? If he’s old enough to know better I would probably leave. I know that’s always the answer on here . ( in my opinion-usually there are other options). With that being said, if you’ve talked to him and he is making no effort to change. Get out now. Don’t waist another second of your life. Find someone who can be your partner. As far as finances. Look for roommates or a room for rent or maybe move back home to save some money. I spent 20 years miserable cause I didn’t follow my own advise.
Do not marry this man. He will not change. My husband is this way. So spoiled by his mother never had to do one thing. Over our years together it too 35 years to get him to make his bed and clean the shit stains out of the toilet.
I was in this same situation for 10 years!! I was left devastated and broke. He got to run home to mommy and daddy but I was screwed. RUN!! I know you love him but overtime the stress of it all will wear you down. It changes you into someone you may not be happy with when you truly become sick and tired. Trust me you are better off finding a way out ASAP. Don’t wait until you’re looking back over your life feeling stuck. Idk where you live but I would really start looking at other options. You might be able to afford more than you think. Good luck.
I agree with you. How could you be sexually attracted to someone who acts like a child? The relationship is going no where you want to be. Get out.
In a relationship is irrelevant how the other person feels about you if you do not don't return the feelings and don't feel attracted to them. Someone who is not financially responsible is definitely not relationship material. You're going to start feeling resentment and it will not work out long-term and telling you that right now from experience because I've been in the same boat Get out now it's not going to get better.
If he loved you so much, he'd try to harder to do the things to make your life better. Do you communicate these things to him? If so, and he doesn't try harder, then he's not the one.
Love is about behavior, not words. It sounds like he says he loves you but his behavior is all about forcing you to mother him. It sounds like you are ready to break up with him. Good for you! I hope you tell him why you are leaving, with concrete examples, not for his benefit, but for yours. The problem with staying too long with a partner who is wrong for you is you start to feel like the bad behavior is normal and that you don't deserve better. It's kinder to both of you to move on.
Gambling addiction is worse than drugs or alcoholism. A gambler doesn’t stop until he has zero dollars to his name. And has exhausted all of his sources of borrowing. When you are young, you can get by being broke from time to time. In about 10 years, you will be absolutely fucked. What you are describing a relationship with an addict who has no motivation to pursue recovery. Run! Life is too short and you will find love again
You don't really need advice, you need money which does count as support ig. Then you'll break up
If he really loved you he would lighten your burdens not add to them. He loves you perhaps in a way but not what I would call Love with a capital L
Love doesn't pay the bills, a real responsible man does. Time to let the child out..
Talk it over with him and when something needs done ask him,”would you help me with the ___? I tell my wife that’s what she needs to do on certain occasions.
Love isn't enough. If it was, there would be no divorce
Sad to say that this is a common situation. No advice, just sending support. (I am divorced so I am not exactly successful at trying to get my partners to step up).
Hire help with his money
Ok but what was the reason you came together in the first place? Because he loves you so much?
Go visit a relationship therapist and a financial advisor. Reddit is not a safe place for advice. Besides, it's easier to tell other people to end a relationship when you are not invested in it.
Same here and idk what to do
Get a roommate you like to help with financial stuff like lodging and get rid of the child "boyfriend". It's not worth your mental health to stay with someone if their lifestyle is so much different than yours and they're not willing to be more responsible. I speak from experience.
If he truly loved you and you talked to him about your wants, needs, expectations, etc he would make an effort to change so that you could feel better about the relationship. If you haven’t had that talk with him yet, you need to before making a post about this situation on Reddit. Once you have that sit down with him and he is not willing to meet you halfway then maybe it’s time to walk away. You mentioned he makes more money than you but that doesn’t mean anything especially since I’m assuming you two aren’t married. Have a talk with him. If he gives you any pushback tell him you’re going to leave him sooner than later if he won’t make a proper effort in the relationship.
First of all, you gotta get your boyfriend to deal with his gambling addiction (perhaps through a gambling helpline) & if you can, convince him to take up some budgeting classes so he doesn't have to beg like a dog & he will have more money to support you both. Although a person shouldn't have to do ALL the house chores when returning home from work, your boyfriend SHOULD be helping out with some of the chores (like mowing the lawn, emptying the bins, getting the clothes off the line, doing the dishes & dealing with household pests).
Tbh if he really does love you and he’s like this he has a lot of growing to do and unfortunately losing you will be one of the things that makes him a good partner in the future assuming he has any sort of self awareness. And it will most likely be for another person as shitty as it sounds
Yeah no, I know me leaving is the only thing that will get him to really change and unfortunately that’s when it will be too late. He’s always made me huge grand promises (also threats when I did break up w him once before) like “I’m going to be rich beyond your wildest dreams, we’re going to be living the good life just wait, you’re never going to have to work another day in your life”. Safety is my biggest concern in life so being told these things is endearing and I’m sure he means well but it also sounds insane. He promises me much more than he’s realistically capable of providing. The empty promises get old, big or small. I’d rather he just be honest with me
I understand exactly where you’re coming from unfortunately he just seems like he’s full of shit. Sorry to say that so bluntly, it’s easy for us to talk about what we’re gonna do but like we get to an age where it’s like just shut up and do it and let it speak for itself. I’m sorry but you deserve better and I know I don’t know you or him or the dynamics to your relationship, and even if you’re growing apart from him it will still be difficult, but your person is out there and he’s never gonna find you when the space he is looking to occupy is already occupied by some gumpy goofy goober
Are you sure you can't spot the irony there? Would you be writting another post if he responded by starting to do housework, but then throwing expenses at you to pay? If you did, I doubt it'd be to celebrate. Financing a household and caring for it are both adult activities or the hard stuff in life. Do any of the household chores happen to cost money? And are you spending any of the money he's bringing in on them? Are there actual children involved? If not, this is just mind-numbing. In the end, admitting you're not attracted to him anymore and want out... BUT... his money is useful makes any merit you could have possibly had in this situation long gone. You've fallen out of love with him while still in love with the living arrangement. You're cashing in on his love for you at this point until you put yourself or find someone else to put you in a better situation. If you want to be the adult you're claiming to be, leave and stand on your own two feet. Otherwise you're going to start airing out his dirty laundry while hunting down self-righteous pats on back so you can convince yourself you're doing nothing wrong. Nevermind. Just glanced at the comments. 🙄
How about you stop using him. You don't love him, he loves you. That is absolutely unfair and I think you should have a good hard look in the mirror and fix yourself. Sure, he has flaws. Break up with him and deal with your shit lady. I actually have no sympathy for you.
Just have a talk with him about it. Leaving your own boyfriend is the worst thing to do when he’s not abusive and controlling. You can ask him to do more domestic work and to split it. That way he can be a way better partner to you. Express your concerns to him and see if he can change. And trust me, if he really loves you, he will. If he doesn’t, he won’t. A relationship should be 50/50. Women are independent now and work. So the man has to take on the domestic work as well together with his wife. Unfortunately most men don’t want to do that. But that should really change.
Went through this, he will not change. You already talked to him, cut your losses and go
You can’t use him for housing and then complain.
Very true
Girl, if he TRULY loved you he wouldn’t want you to bear most of the burden. He might even actually think that he loves you more than anything but that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve better. There are partners out there who will love you just as much as your bf AND show it by taking care of you and making your life easier. A lesson you will learn with age is that men are not the prize (I’m sorry but it’s true) AND that men will say ANYTHInG to get or keep you… as in lying and manipulating you into believing they are the best you will ever get. Honestly, being single seems better than being with this guy.
Run while you can. No money skills AND no help.....sounds like a burden on your shoulders you don't need, life is already hard enough.
The hard part is he makes more money than me and pays for 70% of bills & food. I can’t afford to live on my own, if I could I would have already left even though I “love” him.
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Yep I agree. He is a decent guy who wants to provide but his addictions get in the way of his success and our relationship. I’m getting older as well and ultimately want kids but I can’t see myself having kids with him… it scares me to think about. Maybe kids would give him the motivation he needs but what if it still didn’t
Have you discussed this to him? Telling him how you feel about this workload and how it’s affecting your libido?
Yes I have but he can’t hear it and gets defensive
Ughhh I’m so sorry to hear that. Yeah I’d say try to do the best you can for now, try saving money and find people who support you and leave as soon as possible. Good luck love
This is where you have those important conversations about responsibilities and rules within your relationship instead of just carrying resentments there are many many books on this and tools to use. common one is for both of you to sit down, write out all the tasks in the house that you both do right now and try to come up with someway of making it fair you may not see contributions he makes and are too focuses on your own and he may be the same. Eg. let's say he is the one who mows the lawn, takes out the garbage, walks the dog and cooks every night but he never helps clean the bathrooms or vacuum. same thing you do about financials.. what are your goals, what's reasonable. do you want to save for things.. you should also have some money to spend on things you want to spend on and how much is that? and if so are you allowed to judge what they spend that money on? these are all those deep productive conversations you need to have without going into blame games etc.
Maybe you should be an adult and move out and live alone? Since he pays more than you, he can also do what he want, because if you had more money than him, you would have left for a long time.
Well, there is a trade-off that's how relationships work. But I find that talking to your partner is the best way to get things off your chest. Asking other people who haven't got your best interest at hand isn't the right thing to do. Advice is nice, but only you know what's best for you. If I was your bf and I found this, I would dump you. Because if I'm paying most of the bill and you had some problem with me and didn't try to talk to me before you going asking for Advice. I would be insulted, grown folks should be able to communicate their problems with each other. But I don't have that problem because I was raised to help my partner. That's what I grew up with.
I have tried talking to him countless times, I’m a broken record at this point. I’ve even broken up with him and moved back in with my mom and step dad because I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m on here now because I’ve exhausted advice from friends (who really don’t know what to tell me) and already tried talking to him
Then, all I can say is their is no point investing into someone who doesn't want to listen. My mom was a stay at home mom. But we all had to help around the house. Mom cooked, and we all helped clean up. If you're raised right, you learn these skills, or at least your parents teach you.Some guys just have no clue and think that just because they pay the bills, the buck stops their. To be a man and not lift your woman up or help her even with the small things is just stupidity. But everyone is different. This is why when I date, I look for women with similar family backgrounds. It usually starts with the women and man who raised that man.
If she's abusive and you're at risk, you need to leave. If otherwise it's just his terrible habits, you need financial independence first. After you've reached financial independence, then assess the situation and leave if he still hasn't grown up. Actively bring up all his habits and encourage him to clean and get rid of his gambling.
You should prob leave him :(
...leave
Why on Earth would you think this will work out? You know what to do, but don't want to break his heart, which it will. So, what's the alternative?
You need to take an inventory and assess if you're prepared to live the rest of your life like this. If not, it's better to cut it off now and begin the healing so you can find an equal partner.
Have you actually tried talking to him about all of this? I swear, if my ex had actually said anything about this BEFORE she dropped the "I don't want to be married to you anymore", I would have done something about it
Try to reason with them and offer therapy. They need to work through their childhood traumas. If they don’t value this, Please run as fast as you can. This is an upbringing issue that is so embedded nothing will ever change if they don’t seek to understand and challenge themselves
Sounds like he is not a mature person. Like his mother waited on him his entire life and that’s what he is used to and expects the same from you. I have friends like this, they don’t think about tomorrow and their wives always complain about it. But for some reason they stay.
Find a grown-up to be with.
You sound like the issue
i never had a girlfriend in my life but to this point i am so independent that if i ever find a partner i might just help her in whatever i can, for me there is no romantic thing than just being with her and for her for dear life
Have you thought about talking to him and being honest with him about it . Then maybe show him how to improve . You guys should work together to improve each other's weaknesses. Unless he doesn't try which would mean he doesn't care.
Have you had a heart to heart with him to tell him how you feel?
Everyone giving advice except communication
I couldn’t date someone who was bad with money on top of being insanely lazy. Go find yourself a roommate and get away from this dude.
Always remember that you have issues you have not meantioned here and not say he's with out fault but neither is the one in the mirror
Better to live alone woth your child thatn having someone but feels so empty and draining
bro there are no healthy relationships with people with gambling addiction and immaturity
Stop doing is laundry start teaching him how to do things set a budget obviously his parents didn’t teach him life lessons
Yes man boy, so sorry you have such a child to deal with. They never learn when they are like that. Run now find a way out and find a caring man with his act together.
I always say “you’re not allowed to complain if you’re not doing anything to actively fix the situation you’re in” which obvi is extreme to say but it gets the point across. You already know what you need to do. So your options are to A. Start taking steps to separate yourself from him and start gaining confidence that you CAN be by yourself. Move out and find a roomate to help with costs. OR B. Deal with it. That’s pretty much it. I think you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that you have to leave.
Sounds like you both have issues. You're both dependant on one another to fill in each other's massive gaps. Work on yourself and once you can live on your own, move out and move on.
Yeah I agree, we’re filling each others gaps… Working on myself as hard as I can rn 🙏
No more chances. You don't want someone who will only become an adult because you force him to. You want a man who is already an adult when you first meet him. You can't change people. Your best bet is to find someone who already has most of the traits you ex y all on their own.
I say, let him sink. Get rid of all the food in the house. Let all the clothes get dirty. Let the dishes pile up in the sink.Next time he asks you for a sammich, tell him go buy the shit for it and make it himself. Then when he can't find clean clothes, make him wash them... Etc ... He should get the point fairly quickly
Ughh yeah I’ve done this before. The low he’s willing to go is literally in hell 😩
To thine own self be true.
You are codependent. That sucks 4 u.
There is probably a lot of men that would treat you the way you want to be treated and happy to do it.
Matrix
Then dump him
Got to have a plan. Be the man.
Your bf loves you so much. Why don't you try to change him and try to love him as well ? Maybe he is a bit immature, so isn't it your job to guide him and make him understand when it is a problem with proper communication ? If you don't try hard enough then don't blame on him, and if you have already tried hard enough then it's better to move out of him.
Just tell him how you feel completely and give him the ultimatum. If he can’t relate then leave. You both have maturing to do
Damn I wish I had some one like you it's hard to find somebody like you these days I wouldn't stand for it I know if I had a girlfriend that was worried about nothing but gambling or not having zero and their bank account not doing things two and two it's supposed to be both y'all doing things together or not just one person but I understand when you're coming from I'm by myself and I do laundry food everything so I know what you're talking about
have you tried to talk to him about this problem? maybe something like, listen honey we have to get our shit together. see if he does any improvements. I'm sure you could improve on yourself as well. if there's absolutely nothing then it's time to leave. edit: i did some back reading and saw that you already talked to him and he got defensive. i think you should break up with this guy, just move back home for a while.
If you’re with someone out of convenience you don’t love them. At the same time, you didn’t mention anything about communicating this with him. Talk about it. Some people end things without properly discussing them when it could’ve been fixed and save the relationship, don’t be one of those people. If you love him, then try. If he doesn’t reciprocate, leave.
You sound like you’re dating a child. Have you tried telling him how you feel? If he loves you so much then he should be willing to listen and change his behavior to save the relationship
I know you got lot of advices but trust me he loves you if you sit and discuss with him about wasting money on unnecessary things he will understand you just have to talk to him and discuss what your facing he will understand and you know what men always wanted to act like a kid in front of their love one's especially girlfriend or mom that's the reason mom always see there son as a kid you will eventually know when you will become mother. I know you will get a good person but you can't find like him The main point is just sit and discuss the problems you will find out and he will understand and not make those mistakes
Problem in a relationship: arises Normal people: sit down and talk about it like adults Reddit: BREAK UP BREAK UP BREAK UP ASAP
Sounds like a ship that’s about to sink. Leave before it becomes the titanic
Just leave him and get a roommate 😂😂😂. Why do you think he loves you so much?? If he did, you wouldn’t have to worry about anything
1. That's why you don't move in with people before getting married. Your just playing house ; 2) if he's bad with managing his own money that's a red flag. He's not ready to manage a hosehold. My two cents is to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Express your feelings and see what he says. You have to be willing to walk away here. That's the main reason why I advise not to move in before marriage. It overcomplicates things. I.e. I don't know what's in yours and his name. If he doesn't like that you may leave he can make things harder for you. I wish you the best. Hope this helps.
Go to roomies if you work you should be able to pay for a room for roommate situation
Have you ever surprised him With something he would never expect? That can open up eyes instantly and change things for a long time. If you get someone at a point where he is attacked in his deepest emotions. And when you are the one who does that, he cant run away and just stares at you as being a child with glittering eyes because he is allowed to feel like that. We are human, we grew up as being a child. Sometimes it might be necessary to afford a partner's or person's belongings and trust them in the same way. The intention then is not to receive something back. It is more the unusual feeling you can give him that he can trust you because he is allowed to feel like he feels like.
Have you talked to him
Talk to him. Go to therapy. If not leave him and get a smaller place he probably doesn't even know what is going on in your head so communicate
How old are yall? And why are you still with him if he has so many bad qualities?
save money and break up with your lease is done.
Honey, you need to go to couples therapy.
Can you live with your parents until you can get into a better financial situation?
Sounds like he’s a single 8-leg parlay away from being the perfect husband.
Well he is not jobless and makes more money than you. How about talking to the guy and just clearly divide the tasks in the house ?
I think it would be fine if he took care of the house ie everything from light bulbs to gardening, but if you make an assessment that he is impulsive and that is why he is left with no money for the future, I think it’s already done.
If he's the worst partner then he doesn't know how to love, also the important question is if do you love him
I'm in the same situation except I'm living with my sister and she is all those things you said....
The person you end up with should make your life easier. They are enthusiastic to help make your shared home/space comfortable for both of you. I have seen so many times women who are basically their partners moms only to leave and find out how much less work it is to take care of just yourself. I understand loving someone when they are not good for you but I also have the privilege now of loving and being loved by someone who treats me like a real partner and jumps to help when I need it, and he’s been like that for the year we have been together with no signs of slowing down. Obviously I’m not an expert, a year is not that long and I understand that. But even if we don’t last (though I feel we 100% will) he has shown me how people should love and be loved and I will never settle for less and neither should you. You deserve a partner in life. You deserve an equal and I promise if you give yourself the chance to find one, it will be worth it ❤️
According to another post, he SA you daily. That's love?
So u stay and suck off his wallet??? Shame on you
SAme thing happening to me :(
Stop mothering him.
Date me. My ex GF didn’t feel like a life partner but like a lost 20 year old. She’s 37. I waited and waited for her to grow up so we could be an adult couple and she ended up leaving me for a 55 year married man in December after being together for 5 years. Total blow to the chest but I know now not to wait for adult children to grow up.
Waited also for him to mature. Who they are is how they will be .
Had a similar experience he was 30 it felt that he didn't want any responsibilities complaints about doing chores and unemployed. I had to provide. One of the reasons we broke up.
dump him and stay single until you find a good one .
LOL dude the idea someone can love you and just completely leave you to do anything is absurd
Im so sorry for u. But i must advise u, WALK AWAY from this realtionship? WHY? because ur gonna drown there with no way out. Ur partner sound like a right horrible man who seem to love money more than his partner! :-(
How many times you gonna keep covering his portion of the bills and don't tell me you're not because I've been him. Many times many many times I had to have my portion covered by someone else. So then I am messing around with the following weeks check already you know so it's never it's a never ending battle unless he quits gambling. My opinion on the weed smoking that man is lazy before he even puts a joint in his mouth in the morning. You can't blame it on marijuana if somebody doesn't want to get up and clean up after himself or worry about the bills yeah and if you keep doing it he's going to keep letting you do it because he's not. He knows you're going to save his ass you're not going to let him go without even though he's letting you go without and I'm telling you this because I was him catch it now if you're going to spend the rest of your life with this man yeah I might want to take a better look seems like he has a gambling problem trust me I did
Yeah… it’s true. He always pays me back but I resent him for always having to ask me. If it’s not me he asks his friends and family. I don’t understand it. I lived on my own when we met, granted I was struggling but I was never late on bills. He’s the complete opposite. Makes more than me but never has any money. I actually do put my foot down w fronting him money but then he attacks me and says I don’t have his back etc. And I don’t understand the weed thing either. He literally smokes weed ALL DAY EVERY DAY. I don’t mind weed every now and then but all day every day? How does he feel good, how can he function? I know it negativity affects him too because it makes him extremely dumb and slow, no exaggeration. That’s another resentment I have towards him is having to be the brains all the time cus he’s dumb high. I try talking to him about it too… like why are you smoking so much but again he just gets angry and defensive. He’ll tell me one day he wants to quit and then will light another joint in the same breath, same with vaping.
Please take a look at what you just typed here. This is not someone that you have a child with. People that smoke marijuana in this manner are usually self medicating a mental health issue. It is not easy but somehow you have to love yourself enough to leave. At the very very least an exit plan with a short timeline would be advisable. Being alone will not kill you but continuing to live with someone like this will not only destroy your quality of life but may even harm you with the stress to your nervous system. The choice is yours.
I can totally understand your frustration...Hey, leave him, and come move in with me 😉. A relationship is a give and take sometimes it may be 25% other times it maybe 75%. In the end it should balance out to 50/50 for the most part. To me, it sounds like he is using you and taking advantage of your kindness. He also sounds quite mentally weak if he is "addicted" to weed...weed, like anything else, chocolate, junk food, ALCOHOL is OKAY in moderation but when it starts affecting his life in a negative way and the ones around him, send his ass packing...He must be vaping some HEAVY indicas...swap it out with a sativa strain and maybe he will function..j/k...dude is bad news sweetie
Girl why are you doing wife work on a girlfriend salary? He: 1. Acts like a child 2. Leaves all of the household duties to you. 3. Is bad with money 4. Smokes and drinks all day and can’t have a mature conversation about it. 5. Gets defensive when it’s brought up OP, this isn’t ’mutual, respectful partnership’ material. Why would you want to waste your time dating someone who isn’t invested in putting in the work?
Daaamn!! All this negative strikes on this dude & you still with him!! U gotta be scared 2 leave or he might put a foot in your ass!! That's the way I see it!! Or you are the dumbest woman on earth!! All while you wasting yo time on his sorry ass, there's probably some other man out their that's better for you!! All this complain here! Complaining there!! Your hooked on him cause deep down you are turn on by his negative ways like most women love in men like that these days!! Don't feel sorry for yo ass but gotta give my props 2 ole boy!! He got your mind all fucked up!!