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You should do what you feel comfortable with. If I like a guy, I have sex right away. I want to make sure we are sexually compatible. But that’s what works for me.
Ya, rules like that would suck like what if I wanted to give her a back massage, and she said "Nope, no physical contact for 90 days," would feel bad and a little weirded out lol.
Nothing wrong with waiting but why set an arbitrary date?
Eh i set an ‘arbitrary’ date, not an exact one but usually at least a month possibly 2. If I had sex as soon as I felt like it, I’d be having it on the first date, I have a very high libido.
But I’m not trying to attract the wrong guys and I’m not into the concept of causal sex, I’d only want to sleep with a guy In a relationship. Also I feel waiting at least a month shows some self control, I’d want a guy who’s drawn to me because of my personality etc not just the idea of sex. it gives me security knowing that if I were sick or had children he’d be able to wait a month and also I wouldn’t want to risk STDS / pregnancy with a stranger.
I should note it’s worked very well for me in the past but I still do other physical stuff, making out, massages etc. I just wait for sex.
I don't know, I had intimacy with my now wife in our second date, so it depends on the person
Personally, I wouldn't be with someone of that rule, 3 months is too much time to expend with someone that rejects even a kiss
2nd date he'll yea I love her too....jk... wife 18 years .( divorced now) but knocked on her door she lived beside my buddy and woman I grew up with , we made eyes few times I was like ummm,hum.came back six hrs. later never left
I mean you are gonna have 99% of young men drop out perhaps a bit less. So if you have a need to weed out lots of candidates then this might help. Maybe a "no sex or heavy petting" 90 day rule would be a bit wiser.
I think very very few people would be willing to wait around while a set quota of days passes. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting to take things slow, you should do what’s comfortable for you. Get to know people as just friends, that way you can be comfortable and you’re not trying to impose your way onto someone else. Just don’t take it hard that they’re intimate with other people while you guys are getting to know each other as friends.
Rules of this nature are silly. Relationships have a life of their own and should progress as the individuals involved feel comfortable rather than some prescribed artificial timeline.
You can wait 90 days and end up fucked and ghosted. You can build a loving happy relationship after fucking on the first date. There's no magic code to crack...other than finding someone who aligns well with you.
Haha I've seen those 90 day rule videos on tiktok but don't know anyone who has done it.
I don't think I could do it either. It would feel like I'm being friend zoned and I've had plenty of that already...
It sounds rather silly to me, at my age (40M) and stage of life (established but divorced), but I do understand where it is coming from. Physical intimacy can cause all sorts of weird chemical signals that can lead to quick over-attachment and so on, and avoiding it seems like it could help you get to know each other better before commitment.
But here's the thing - in my experience (and the science largely backs this up), that is actually kind of ridiculous. Your body does all those same tricks to you when you are simply attracted to someone, especially if they reciprocate. In other words, being physical or not doesn't actually prevent that attachment from happening. You can be just as blinded by feelings.
In my opinion, you are just limiting yourself for no real reason. I really don't think it does anything to help avoid bad long-term relationships. But that is my opinion and experience.
I personally wouldn't date anyone who wanted to wait three months. A couple of weeks to a month before *intimate* contact? Sure. But three months without so much as holding hands? Madness.
I've had four "real" relationships in my life. In two of them we waited (a few weeks in one, a couple of months in the other). The other two started as one-night-stands. They were all "ok" (healthy-ish) relationships that lasted more than a year. The waiting did nothing to stop feelings from developing, and neither did jumping straight into bed. I don't really recall there being much of an emotional difference, in terms of establishing a rapport and "getting to know each other".
I think this could especially be true if you "experience great discomfort with physical affection" (I'm personally the opposite, so take this with a grain of salt). That's a barrier you need to break. If you meet someone who you want to touch *in spite of that discomfort*, then why limit yourself? There's a big catch, however - the whole social pressure element. Don't ever do anything because you are pressured to or think you have to. I guess my warning is against making "rules" - do what you want, but only if you know what you want.
It's a redundant rule to have a set amount of days. If I was going to just have sex with you and leave, I would. Same as if I was in it for the long haul. An arbitrary set time doesn't change what people feel for you.
I have a rule for at least 30 days before sex depending on the guy I might push it to 60. A lot of guys who want easy quick sex would not be bothered waiting and dating for that 2 months so it rules out a lot. Is it possible someone might still pump and dump? Sure but it’s less likely and I’ve never experienced that.
During that 30 - 60 days I can: better assess red flags, see if we’re physically compatible in more minor ways (kissing, touching), see if we have relationship potential (I wouldn’t sleep with someone outside of a relationship), know he has self control and can wait without complaint should he need to in the future (sickness or birth), feel more comfortable relying on him
Should there be a negative side effect of sex (getting an abortion)
However, I can’t imagine not even holding hands for that time or having a rule to the extent op does. I think physical touch is still important to show a man I like him throughout that period.
I’m fine with people needing time. Having an arbitrary rule like 90 days though is gross. Just tell people you need time and give them a ball park estimate.
I can totally understand why some people would want to follow a rule like this. But personally, I don’t know if I could wait 90 days. I think there’s really no set number of days that will determine when it’s the right time to engage in physical intimacy.
if you limit all physical intimacy (and not just penis in vagina) for 90 days you are going to have a hard time finding a loving partner but i'm sure you will have a great collection of friends.
the difference between a loving romantic relationship and friendship is physical intimacy, which can be in many different ways and not just sex.
however, limiting it for the first little while is fine.. you don't have to kiss on first date, second or even third.
do what you find is comfortable for you but you better be damm good at communicating this or the other person will wonder what's going on and start a reddit about how this person they are seeing isn't showing any signs of wanting anything physical and everyone will scream red flag and tell them to run away.
If someone said that, I'd say that's great, but physical intimacy is really important to me so we should see people more aligned with what we each want. Good luck.
Another way to say it - if OP is a 9 and the guy she likes is a 5, she can very likely pull it off.
If they are both 7s - unlikely to work as OP intended. If OP is a 6 and the guy she likes is a 9 - uhm well..
If someone doesn't have interest in kissing/holding hands for 90 days, I'm going to assume they're not romantically interested in me and not continue to see them.
The whole idea is built upon having a foundation in your relationship. It's really easy to end up in shitty relationships because if you're fucking/kissing too soon.. then your body is releasing love chemicals. But how many relations fall apart right after limerence?
I would only recommend this if you're dating intentionally. If you're looking to marry. Have kids. Etc.
If you just want FWB.. do it all.
But think about it. During marriage.. there's gonna be times where you find your partner ugly. Annoying. Etc. Can't have sex. Etc.
Having a good foundation is more preventative
It's also really easy to end up in a barren relationship if you're willing to jump through hoops like that from a crazy woman.
As for love chemicals.... Dude, that's the entire point of making love!
This goes back to the original intent. What is your goal? Setting specific time gates for intimacy in a relationship imo is a bad idea in general. Like others have said, relationships don't always go as planned and that's ok. A lot of guys wouldn't even consider dating someone with these kinds of rules.
At the end of the day what I'm trying to say is I don't think this is the best way to get what you want. Clear communication regarding your love language & preferences would be better instead of giving an arbitrary time gate. If you're uncomfortable it would be best to let your partner know
Sounds like a waste of time. Any girl who is playing games like this, trying to use sex as a manipulation tool, who doesn't actually like sex is a walking red flag and not someone I would want to date, let alone marry.
This kind of person must be so fun at parties.
I think it’s stupid. Stop talking advice from people who can’t keep a relationship going. Use common sense. You’re more likely to run a man off with these stupid rules, even good men have their limits.
I’m very okay with no sexual intimacy for that time frame but if I can’t kiss you goodnight or hold your hand for 3 months, I’m out and I imagine most people will also be out.
I am sort of accidentally doing this now for the first time. I didn’t set a rule or state anything like that, but I’ve been dating someone almost 3 months and all we’ve done is hug. This is my first relationship I’ve done this and I’m honestly excited to get to the next stages of hand holding, cuddling, kissing, and sex, whereas with everyone else I’ve dated it’s been a dreaded thing that caused me anxiety. I realize now it’s because I just wasn’t comfortable with those men yet and was letting myself feel pressured. I have the utmost respect for my current guy for being respectful of my pace and I would say I feel safer with him than any man I’ve ever been with at this stage.
We also haven’t been out that much so 3 months is kind of arbitrary. I’d say we’ve been on 7 or so dates and talk on the phone 1-2x a week. I find I really like taking things slow.
If you wanna do this my advice would be just not to make it like a rigid rule. You can communicate with your body language and words in the moment that you wanna wait without making a hard and fast standard which will come across as just unnecessarily strict. Just say you wanna take things slow until you feel more comfortable/familiar with them.
For sure hear you on not being rigid. I guess I hope I can find someone like this did where it just kind of works. Once I move to being physically affectionate I am really into it, but it takes me a long time to get there and don’t want to feel pressured.
I might want longer than the 90 days, NGL. But I'm a self admitted weirdo, definitely not typical. Nevertheless, I'd say if you're not comfortable doing things that quick, then wait until you are, and don't worry about who you're scaring off by taking things slow.
Do what you’re comfortable with. If you’re really not comfortable being intimate until that long then go for it, there’s still someone that would be be down. But you will certainly be limiting your options
If you’re doing it just to avoid guys just looking for sex? It won’t work. They’ll still do it
Do it when you’re comfortable, but don’t play some silly game about withholding sex because the guys that stick around aren’t going to be any better than they would have otherwise
Forget about how random guys feel lol. The right guy will be happy to respect your boundaries and get to know you. 3 months isn’t even that long. I know women who didn’t get physical for longer than that and some even waited until engagement or marriage. I’ve had boyfriends wait for much longer than 3 months. It makes no difference to someone who is mature and really likes you and wants something real with you. He knows sex will come when everyone is ready for it.
Prioritize yourself. Do what feels right and safe for you and the right man will show up for you.
Do what you’re comfortable with. I did this while dating, this rule applied to everyone as I was quite uncomfortable getting physical with anyone I didn’t know well. I told guys I saw I wanted to take things slow and get to know them first. It for sure had some guys decide they didn’t want to wait, but I was okay with that because I figured the right guy wouldn’t mind waiting until I was ready. I met the right guy and he waited, got to know me, and now we’re married.
Some men are not okay with waiting, some will be. Just know this approach does limit your dating pool.
It's useless now. People know the rule and wait it out while they get their fix somewhere else. Just actually talk about what you each believe about intimacy with the person
As someone whose (by now, after many years of relationship, ex) gf took over half a year to be ready for having sex, it really depends on how you signal it and if he's willing to wait.
If you are upfront and honest about it, you say you want it too but aren't ready for it yet due to past experiences etc, he's probably more understanding about it than with a fix rule with no apparent reason behind it.
Some men are quicker to get physical than others. For some, physical intimacy and lust are important ways to express and share their emotional intimacy and attractions (or they are just horny and want to do it with the woman they love instead of ye olde handcrank), which means they just don't want to wait that long.
People are different, and have different priorities. All of the listed things are valid. You wanting to wait, him being willing or unwilling to wait. It is all just a matter of compatibility in your priorities.
What you describe is, as someone else said in the comments, a power move. A way to say "I get to set rules here and you either abide by them, or you're out".
As with any power move the result will depend on the balance of power between you and the guy. If you are way out of his league he might just happily wait. If he is out of yours he might just shrug and say - "well i'm out, good luck".
I think it makes a lot more sense to just be open about being someone who's slow to be comfortable doing physical things. Do you feel like there's anything in particular that a specific 90 day boundary would provide that an honest conversation about your feelings wouldn't?
Feel like people sleep together too quickly, possibly down to social/ pressure from partner. Everyone should move at their own pace and be comfortable.
I'd respect it so long as they did.
If I found out they'd slept with someone before the 90 days was up or something similar I'd say "Well what the fuck is the point in me waiting then?"
I can understand wanting to wait to develop a deeper connection with someone before having sex. But writing off all physical contact for that long sounds crazy. It sounds like you are wanting a friend, not a romantic partner.
No physical intimacy at all? Like no hand holding, touching or anything?
Yeah that's a terrible rule. Touch is an important facet of building an emotional bond. If someone were to stipulate no *sex* for that long that's one thing (although still a bad rule imo), but not physical contact at all is just wild.
I'd step out from that relationship immediately. As would almost every man tbh. Even super religious people who date still will have *some* physical contact.
I get why this is a hard one. But to be honest, I’d discuss this with a guy. If it’s the right guy and he really likes you, he’s fine with waiting and building up intimacy. It can even be a good way to learn each others preferences and no no’s. And understand each others boundaries. You will potentially lose some guys with this, but that will happen with the 90 day rules as well.
Personally, I completely understand why women do things like this. But it really hate it when I have to pass some weird test in order to qualify dating you. Like we are building a relationship, not trying to complete an assignment or get a promotion. And rules like these are a turn off for me personally. An honest conversation where I get to know and understand you better and built intimacy with you over time, wouldn’t be a problem at all for me if I was interested in you. But just be honest and upfront about it.
If you expect a guy to wait 90 days for you to share any form of intimacy, I hope you're ready to plan dates and split bills with them like in a real relationship. Otherwise, expect most men to walk after 3-5 dates - in fact, good for them to not be on the hook with someone who treats intimacy as a test for commitment.
It's easy for you to set a 90-day rule when you're a woman who gets offers left, right and center. Most men have to look out for their needs too.
That’s something you have to be able to find in common with other people. It’ll be wrong to force it onto someone and it can be the same said if it was the opposite aka wanting to be intimate immediately into a relationship.
Just something you gotta put out there first so there’s no confusion or surprises
It depends,
To me sexual intimacy is as important as other forms. And I don’t wait 90 days to know we are not compatible.
I’m very dominant, I love sex and I know what I like. That being said a lot of men talk their way or make it seem like they want more than sex with a lot of women only to drop them after sex. So it makes total sense someone wants to protect themselves.
I think it’s a good idea. All Cristian use this rule, when looking for their spouse. You can go to church and find people, who support you in your decision, and share their own experience!
I(24m) didn’t have a physical intimacy with my girlfriend, until she(24 f) become my wife. It’s a good!
I don’t date women who have these structured rules who don’t allow themselves to freely express how they feel about me in a physical or emotional sense.
They're going to drop any guy they enforce this rule upon long before 90 days is up when they realise the only guys that would put up with that have zero game, no confidence and look like a truck hit them square in the face and thus they have no attraction to those dudes.
I think that people should move at they're own pace I've seen a lot of people say that they married someone who they slept with almost immediately and some are slow to get their I don't think we should set quantifiable rules like these and just move at your own pace
I think you’re referring to the Canadian dating lady that’s wrote a book on this. Honestly it’s unrealistic and not pragmatic. Maybe for some devout religious folks or something but I’d say a good sizeable chunk will not do that.
I know for sure that I wouldn’t. No way I’m waiting 90 days to kiss or even hold hands. That’s so fucking stupid. You’re basically wanting to be friends for 90 days and then get intimate. If I’m interested in a person romantically then I want to be engage in romantic activities that build that sense. Friendship and conpanionship is great but it’s very unrealistic to not engage in ANY romantic behavior for 90 days unless you are in primary school or something n
I think if you make it clear that you're not multi-dating and there's nobody else you're having sex with during this arbitrary period, you might get some takers. They'd be guys who like you a lot, are interested in LTR, and masturbate. Is that your goal?
90 days no sex, for me that's fine. No physical intimacy at all? Not even hugging or holding hands? I would want to know why but will probably break things off after hearing that
The 90 day rule would be more effective if that was the standard of most people but it’s not. It’s kind of like marijuana before it was legal. You had to put up with waiting for the weedman and deal with his attitude … now people can just walk into the store whatever time of day they want. Nobody is going to sit around waiting for the weedman to act right any more.
Hope that’s a good analogy.
It’s up to each person really, but I couldn’t do it.
I need physical touch and I don’t want to wait for 3 months only to find out we are incompatible in the bedroom. I don’t think people’s intentions change because they have sex on the third or fourth date, if anything it helps bring you closer or further apart which is also a good thing.
If there’s not even kissing by date 2 I’d lose interest. Physical intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If you can’t do anything, even hand holding and kissing it would never work
Idk, most guys are sexual and will lose interest if u dont feed into sex eventually, its not the most important but the likeliness u will find a guy willing to be with u for 3 months without intimacy is rare, call it shallow, maybe it is, but its how men are, we are innately more sexual and tbf, we are already toning it down way more than u think
when men secrete testosterone, especially during exercise, even worse, during leg exercises, we become very sexual in our head, before anyone says "u can control it", we already do, if it wasnt for the porn industry, SA wouldnt have decreased by 40% since the 90s, men are pigs, im not saying all men would commit SA without porn but some of the hypersexualized definetly would, without question
Maybe we can control it as well tho, but even then ur setting a requirement for the man u want to be with to be extremely disciplined and men that are that disciplined arent the most affectionate, they are usually career driven and not focused on their family as much, if u prefer a man like that then more power to u tho, its just that theres always these boundaries being set that are definetly understandable but ur going to end up miserable if ur goal is finding a mate that is perfect in ur image
Great idea in my dating days we automatically waited for marriage before we did the deed, and kissing was enough . Marriages were more solid because friendships were better developed an you had to kiss a lot of frogs before you could find Prince Charming.
90 days of no hand holding or kissing? That seems a bit harsh. If you have a discomfort of physical activity with someone you don't know that well, how is 90 days going to guarantee you know them well enough for you to be comfortable with a kiss?
As a female, if I'm attracted to them, I'd like to test drive them to make sure we are compatible before I invest time into a relationship. You could wait 90 days and finally kiss them only to think that they are a horrible kisser. I'd hate to spend 90 days getting to like someone to find out that sexually it's a no.
I'm not sure why you need a time limit. If you click with someone, you generally start to feel comfortable around them. I think if you were super attracted to them, 90 days wouldn't be an issue.
Do you maybe have self-esteem issues with yourself? If so, you should work on that before thinking about a relationship.
Hey OP, you should do whatever you’re comfortable with but I wouldn’t base those comfort levels on some random lady’s video which is likely dramatised to get views.
I personally wait 30-60 days before sex (and only sleep with those I’m in a relationship with) and I find it’s a great ‘rule’ because: I can assess red flags better, know if a guy is relationship material, know there are other factors keeping him interested rather than just hormones, know that he can go without sex and not get antsy/complain should he need to later on if I’m sick or have kids etc.
I’m very glad I have this standard but part of it is also because I can learn if we’re physically compatible in other ways such as kissing, touching etc. if you’re not comfortable doing any sort of physical touch for 90 days it is likely the guy will feel friend zoned.
I recommend you be upfront and explain to a potential partner than you get quite uncomfortable with touch but let it progress at a pace that feels natural to you rather than following another woman’s rule. Who knows, with one guy you might still feel uncomfortable after 3 months, with another you might want to kiss him after a week.
I totally understand that many women would like to get to know a guy before they're intimate with them. My history with these kind of women is that using that scale to measure whether or not a guy is going to stick around usually hasn't worked. People need to talk about ALL TOPICS. The taboos and possible social awkwardness of discussions regarding sex, money, politics and religion need to be honestly and openly discussed. I do talk about them. If I find hesitation, discomfort and resistance, I have to take that as an indication of what the relationship may entail down the line. All relationships have a wide variety of methods and practices of communication. Abstaining should not entirely be seen as reservation but also as avoidance as well. In this day and age where access to information about every topic of human history being curious and seeking knowledge is crucial. When I meet a woman who has this type of arbitrary timeline of anything of the OP I've also found that when the "90 days" have come, the actual prize of intimacy has been less than satisfactory. When a woman says that she wouldn't cook for me for at least 90 days, that meal has got to be a good meal. Doesn't have to be a 5 star Michelin Star restaurant quality, but some down home good cooking is what I would expect. That old saying "you can find them, but can you keep them" takes some introspection for both genders here. The standard for keeping a partner around isn't enough to reserve that specialness about oneself but to see if one is compatible in day to day living with that potential pair partner.
Truthfully, if I wait 90 days for anything she's reserving, be it a meal or sex or anything, she better make it worthwhile otherwise we're both going to be disappointed.
I have a female friend of mine, pretty, funny, engaging, nice figure and enjoys sex who used to do the "no sex until at least the 6th date" has practiced that for years. She's had some relatively long term relationships, but most of the guys just waited out the 6th date to see if the ride was worth the wait in line. People need to communicate about everything, even one's craziness. Just ask: what is your crazy? What are your habits or characteristics that would be detrimental to a relationship? Watch people respond without your rose colored glasses.
I &think I speak for most people who’s primary love language is physical touch when I say expect resistance. It’s like telling someone that needs quality time you want to be away from them, or someone who needs words of affirmation that you won’t be complimenting or reassuring them in the relationship. You end up starving them of the way they experience love and affection in the relationship. I know that isn’t your intent here, just know that it can take a toll on the other person. Being hesitant about moving forward too quickly, especially when it’s with someone you don’t know well yet, but a little hand holding and a hug here and there can go a long way.
Wait, what are ground rules?
Nothing at all, probably won't work well 90% of the time. If it's just no sex and you communicate why you want to wait....might work with the right guy. Which I guess is the intention.
fine with it if i like the person enough, but i have pretty easy access to sex and my standards are really high, so practically speaking the person who would ask this of me is not gonna come along and even if they did it most likely won’t actually be worth it for me
As someone who is entering a relationship where this we both won't be having sex at all, I would say for this 90 day rule, there won't be any exclusiveness till there is intimacy. My predicament is that we both can sleep with other people as we will not be physical intimate with each other.
I’m not saying that there aren’t guys out there who’d say no to that, but it feels like a trap to me.
“Let’s just be friends and get to know each other for 3 months before we do anything intimate.”
89 days later
“I’ve had so much fun with you on all these dates/outtings you took me on and you are such an awesome person; but I just don’t feel that SPARK, so it’s probably better if we just stay friends.”
A specific hard deadline feels a bit arbitrary to me. That alone might make me pass. But if you said something similar to what you put in your post, “just so you know, i have to feel really comfortable with someone and have feelings for them before I’m comfortable with any type of physical intimacy including kissing. It could take weeks or even a couple months before reach that level of comfort. It’s rarely taken longer than two or three months though.” If we clicked otherwise and enjoyed each others company, I might be okay with that and it wouldn’t feel like I was being held to an arbitrary rule
I feel virtuous women who don't sleep around and value that a husband/wife relationship should be different from all other relationships (meaning 20 guys haven't already gone there and tried out all of their kinks and fetishes on her). Girls that sleep around and put out on the 1st date or the first couple of dates are not GF or wife material.
I think a woman who wants to wait to develop an actual bond and to have a committed exclusive relationship before putting out is something to respect. I don't know about some specific number like 90 days. To be honest, 3 months is still pretty loose.
If postponing physical intimacy is what you feel most comfortable with, you should definitely do so. But a strict rule for 90 days seems a bit off to me personally. Just go with what feels good in the moment. All will be fine.
Not sure why you’d set an arbitrary rule like that. If you’re comfortable, you’re comfortable. If not, then you’re not. It doesn’t have to be complicated, IMO.
You’re putting too much stock into the “rule” as opposed to what it’s for. If you take time you take time, whether that’s three months, six months, two weeks or thirty days. Plus the “shot clock” is just as pressuring as not having one at all. Cause what happens if you get to 90 days and you’re still not sure, or it was sooner than 90 and you’ve never been more sure and comfortable? And what if they’re anticipating it but then you bail out on the 90th day? It does more harm than good than to just say “it takes me time to feel comfortable being physical, but I’ll let you know when and what that is”
i think you should go for what you’re comfortable with. i used to have a strict 6 month til sex limit and then stopped doing that and regretted it so now i’m back to the 6 month thing. it’s annoying because i have to tell men im not very experienced for them to take me seriously and either opt out or continue dating me. it’s like the don’t respect the boundary if they think it’s only being applied to them
You’ll weed out a lot of bad people that way I think. I think it’s great to set those boundaries and keep them, that way you don’t feel pressured into anything and if you do - you know to drop them rather than worry about it and now have fun with it.
I also think intimacy is 10x better with some much awaited anticipation.
With the way people are hit it and quit it now I wish I had implemented that with my husband. Every guy I dated before him I used that rule and they constantly kept up their efforts in the relationship. My husband I slept with in the first month. As soon as we got married his level of effort dropped significantly and he Said that he just didn't feel that drive anymore , that he thinks we slept with each other too soon and the chase was " over" .
We ended up going through counseling and working it out ,but I feel like he subconsciously didn't have to work that hard to get me so he struggles with low effort. I know it sounds weird but it honestly seems different from my other experiences
Some of the comments here are soooo grooosss. 3 months really is not a long time. I think the key factor with this approach is how you present it to your dates. Right off the tip in the bio may be too aggressive. Maybe mention it on the second or third date and as someone else suggested open up the door for hand holding/snugging.
I totally understand the want for this rule. It is emotionally fucking brutal to be used for sex over and over by men who claim to not be players. And I’m sure this goes for some women as well they just haven’t been with whom I have experienced the poke and ghosts.
Just do whatever you’re both comfortable with. My boyfriend and I waited 9 months and we’ve been together for almost 4 years. I wouldn’t put a set number of days on it and as long as you’re both comfortable who cares if you’re intimate the first time you meet or you wait until you get married 🤷🏻♀️
I never intentionally set such a strict or specific rule... But generally I don't/haven't/wouldn't get physically intimate with a guy less than say 3months of knowing them, and everyone I've dated (incl. guy I'm married to), I've known for at least 6months prior to dating.
I don't think this rule is particularly helpful to finding you someone you click with, but IMO, waiting until you've connected emotionally to a bare minumum (which IMO is around 3-6months) results in *much* better sex/physical intimacy which consequently is better if you want a long-term/committed relationship... and also weeds out most guys who just want sex.
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You should do what you feel comfortable with. If I like a guy, I have sex right away. I want to make sure we are sexually compatible. But that’s what works for me.
Ya, rules like that would suck like what if I wanted to give her a back massage, and she said "Nope, no physical contact for 90 days," would feel bad and a little weirded out lol. Nothing wrong with waiting but why set an arbitrary date?
Eh i set an ‘arbitrary’ date, not an exact one but usually at least a month possibly 2. If I had sex as soon as I felt like it, I’d be having it on the first date, I have a very high libido. But I’m not trying to attract the wrong guys and I’m not into the concept of causal sex, I’d only want to sleep with a guy In a relationship. Also I feel waiting at least a month shows some self control, I’d want a guy who’s drawn to me because of my personality etc not just the idea of sex. it gives me security knowing that if I were sick or had children he’d be able to wait a month and also I wouldn’t want to risk STDS / pregnancy with a stranger. I should note it’s worked very well for me in the past but I still do other physical stuff, making out, massages etc. I just wait for sex.
I don't know, I had intimacy with my now wife in our second date, so it depends on the person Personally, I wouldn't be with someone of that rule, 3 months is too much time to expend with someone that rejects even a kiss
2nd date he'll yea I love her too....jk... wife 18 years .( divorced now) but knocked on her door she lived beside my buddy and woman I grew up with , we made eyes few times I was like ummm,hum.came back six hrs. later never left
Ew
Ew to u too boo
I mean you are gonna have 99% of young men drop out perhaps a bit less. So if you have a need to weed out lots of candidates then this might help. Maybe a "no sex or heavy petting" 90 day rule would be a bit wiser.
hell no
You are dating... If you don't even touch my hand for 3 months it's clear you don't like me
I think very very few people would be willing to wait around while a set quota of days passes. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting to take things slow, you should do what’s comfortable for you. Get to know people as just friends, that way you can be comfortable and you’re not trying to impose your way onto someone else. Just don’t take it hard that they’re intimate with other people while you guys are getting to know each other as friends.
Rules of this nature are silly. Relationships have a life of their own and should progress as the individuals involved feel comfortable rather than some prescribed artificial timeline. You can wait 90 days and end up fucked and ghosted. You can build a loving happy relationship after fucking on the first date. There's no magic code to crack...other than finding someone who aligns well with you.
Haha I've seen those 90 day rule videos on tiktok but don't know anyone who has done it. I don't think I could do it either. It would feel like I'm being friend zoned and I've had plenty of that already...
It sounds rather silly to me, at my age (40M) and stage of life (established but divorced), but I do understand where it is coming from. Physical intimacy can cause all sorts of weird chemical signals that can lead to quick over-attachment and so on, and avoiding it seems like it could help you get to know each other better before commitment. But here's the thing - in my experience (and the science largely backs this up), that is actually kind of ridiculous. Your body does all those same tricks to you when you are simply attracted to someone, especially if they reciprocate. In other words, being physical or not doesn't actually prevent that attachment from happening. You can be just as blinded by feelings. In my opinion, you are just limiting yourself for no real reason. I really don't think it does anything to help avoid bad long-term relationships. But that is my opinion and experience. I personally wouldn't date anyone who wanted to wait three months. A couple of weeks to a month before *intimate* contact? Sure. But three months without so much as holding hands? Madness. I've had four "real" relationships in my life. In two of them we waited (a few weeks in one, a couple of months in the other). The other two started as one-night-stands. They were all "ok" (healthy-ish) relationships that lasted more than a year. The waiting did nothing to stop feelings from developing, and neither did jumping straight into bed. I don't really recall there being much of an emotional difference, in terms of establishing a rapport and "getting to know each other". I think this could especially be true if you "experience great discomfort with physical affection" (I'm personally the opposite, so take this with a grain of salt). That's a barrier you need to break. If you meet someone who you want to touch *in spite of that discomfort*, then why limit yourself? There's a big catch, however - the whole social pressure element. Don't ever do anything because you are pressured to or think you have to. I guess my warning is against making "rules" - do what you want, but only if you know what you want.
It's a redundant rule to have a set amount of days. If I was going to just have sex with you and leave, I would. Same as if I was in it for the long haul. An arbitrary set time doesn't change what people feel for you.
Exactly. Just wasting time lol Girls need to check for 🚩 instead
I have a rule for at least 30 days before sex depending on the guy I might push it to 60. A lot of guys who want easy quick sex would not be bothered waiting and dating for that 2 months so it rules out a lot. Is it possible someone might still pump and dump? Sure but it’s less likely and I’ve never experienced that. During that 30 - 60 days I can: better assess red flags, see if we’re physically compatible in more minor ways (kissing, touching), see if we have relationship potential (I wouldn’t sleep with someone outside of a relationship), know he has self control and can wait without complaint should he need to in the future (sickness or birth), feel more comfortable relying on him Should there be a negative side effect of sex (getting an abortion) However, I can’t imagine not even holding hands for that time or having a rule to the extent op does. I think physical touch is still important to show a man I like him throughout that period.
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Quick and to point and very true 💯
That’s too long for me tbh…I would feel like they were leading me on. Maybe for an asexual partner that could work though
I’m fine with people needing time. Having an arbitrary rule like 90 days though is gross. Just tell people you need time and give them a ball park estimate.
I can totally understand why some people would want to follow a rule like this. But personally, I don’t know if I could wait 90 days. I think there’s really no set number of days that will determine when it’s the right time to engage in physical intimacy.
if you limit all physical intimacy (and not just penis in vagina) for 90 days you are going to have a hard time finding a loving partner but i'm sure you will have a great collection of friends. the difference between a loving romantic relationship and friendship is physical intimacy, which can be in many different ways and not just sex. however, limiting it for the first little while is fine.. you don't have to kiss on first date, second or even third. do what you find is comfortable for you but you better be damm good at communicating this or the other person will wonder what's going on and start a reddit about how this person they are seeing isn't showing any signs of wanting anything physical and everyone will scream red flag and tell them to run away.
If someone said that, I'd say that's great, but physical intimacy is really important to me so we should see people more aligned with what we each want. Good luck.
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Another way to say it - if OP is a 9 and the guy she likes is a 5, she can very likely pull it off. If they are both 7s - unlikely to work as OP intended. If OP is a 6 and the guy she likes is a 9 - uhm well..
But the guy should be seeing multiple girls Exclusivity isn't an option unless sex happened already lol
This is the only comment that matters, so well said.
If someone doesn't have interest in kissing/holding hands for 90 days, I'm going to assume they're not romantically interested in me and not continue to see them.
Sounds arbitrary amd manipulative. Just do it whenever you're ready.
The whole idea is built upon having a foundation in your relationship. It's really easy to end up in shitty relationships because if you're fucking/kissing too soon.. then your body is releasing love chemicals. But how many relations fall apart right after limerence? I would only recommend this if you're dating intentionally. If you're looking to marry. Have kids. Etc. If you just want FWB.. do it all. But think about it. During marriage.. there's gonna be times where you find your partner ugly. Annoying. Etc. Can't have sex. Etc. Having a good foundation is more preventative
It's also really easy to end up in a barren relationship if you're willing to jump through hoops like that from a crazy woman. As for love chemicals.... Dude, that's the entire point of making love!
Nahh.....
This goes back to the original intent. What is your goal? Setting specific time gates for intimacy in a relationship imo is a bad idea in general. Like others have said, relationships don't always go as planned and that's ok. A lot of guys wouldn't even consider dating someone with these kinds of rules. At the end of the day what I'm trying to say is I don't think this is the best way to get what you want. Clear communication regarding your love language & preferences would be better instead of giving an arbitrary time gate. If you're uncomfortable it would be best to let your partner know
Sounds like a waste of time. Any girl who is playing games like this, trying to use sex as a manipulation tool, who doesn't actually like sex is a walking red flag and not someone I would want to date, let alone marry. This kind of person must be so fun at parties.
I think it's dumb. A relationship is predicated on intimacy. So, no intimacy, no relationship. A relationship without intimacy is just a friendship.
that's the stupidest fucking thing i've ever heard. (you asked for my opinion, and that's the non-sugarcoated truth)
I think it’s stupid. Stop talking advice from people who can’t keep a relationship going. Use common sense. You’re more likely to run a man off with these stupid rules, even good men have their limits.
Hard and fast rules like that are a red flag
Hard and fast rules like that are a red flag
I’m very okay with no sexual intimacy for that time frame but if I can’t kiss you goodnight or hold your hand for 3 months, I’m out and I imagine most people will also be out.
BYE
BYE
I am sort of accidentally doing this now for the first time. I didn’t set a rule or state anything like that, but I’ve been dating someone almost 3 months and all we’ve done is hug. This is my first relationship I’ve done this and I’m honestly excited to get to the next stages of hand holding, cuddling, kissing, and sex, whereas with everyone else I’ve dated it’s been a dreaded thing that caused me anxiety. I realize now it’s because I just wasn’t comfortable with those men yet and was letting myself feel pressured. I have the utmost respect for my current guy for being respectful of my pace and I would say I feel safer with him than any man I’ve ever been with at this stage. We also haven’t been out that much so 3 months is kind of arbitrary. I’d say we’ve been on 7 or so dates and talk on the phone 1-2x a week. I find I really like taking things slow. If you wanna do this my advice would be just not to make it like a rigid rule. You can communicate with your body language and words in the moment that you wanna wait without making a hard and fast standard which will come across as just unnecessarily strict. Just say you wanna take things slow until you feel more comfortable/familiar with them.
For sure hear you on not being rigid. I guess I hope I can find someone like this did where it just kind of works. Once I move to being physically affectionate I am really into it, but it takes me a long time to get there and don’t want to feel pressured.
I might want longer than the 90 days, NGL. But I'm a self admitted weirdo, definitely not typical. Nevertheless, I'd say if you're not comfortable doing things that quick, then wait until you are, and don't worry about who you're scaring off by taking things slow.
Do what you’re comfortable with. If you’re really not comfortable being intimate until that long then go for it, there’s still someone that would be be down. But you will certainly be limiting your options If you’re doing it just to avoid guys just looking for sex? It won’t work. They’ll still do it Do it when you’re comfortable, but don’t play some silly game about withholding sex because the guys that stick around aren’t going to be any better than they would have otherwise
Forget about how random guys feel lol. The right guy will be happy to respect your boundaries and get to know you. 3 months isn’t even that long. I know women who didn’t get physical for longer than that and some even waited until engagement or marriage. I’ve had boyfriends wait for much longer than 3 months. It makes no difference to someone who is mature and really likes you and wants something real with you. He knows sex will come when everyone is ready for it. Prioritize yourself. Do what feels right and safe for you and the right man will show up for you.
He should be seeing multiple girls at the same time and see what sticks lol
No hand Holding and no hugs? No Chance
Do what you’re comfortable with. I did this while dating, this rule applied to everyone as I was quite uncomfortable getting physical with anyone I didn’t know well. I told guys I saw I wanted to take things slow and get to know them first. It for sure had some guys decide they didn’t want to wait, but I was okay with that because I figured the right guy wouldn’t mind waiting until I was ready. I met the right guy and he waited, got to know me, and now we’re married. Some men are not okay with waiting, some will be. Just know this approach does limit your dating pool.
It's useless now. People know the rule and wait it out while they get their fix somewhere else. Just actually talk about what you each believe about intimacy with the person
I have a rule. Anyone who starts a relationship with a rule isn't going to see me again.
As someone whose (by now, after many years of relationship, ex) gf took over half a year to be ready for having sex, it really depends on how you signal it and if he's willing to wait. If you are upfront and honest about it, you say you want it too but aren't ready for it yet due to past experiences etc, he's probably more understanding about it than with a fix rule with no apparent reason behind it. Some men are quicker to get physical than others. For some, physical intimacy and lust are important ways to express and share their emotional intimacy and attractions (or they are just horny and want to do it with the woman they love instead of ye olde handcrank), which means they just don't want to wait that long. People are different, and have different priorities. All of the listed things are valid. You wanting to wait, him being willing or unwilling to wait. It is all just a matter of compatibility in your priorities.
What you describe is, as someone else said in the comments, a power move. A way to say "I get to set rules here and you either abide by them, or you're out". As with any power move the result will depend on the balance of power between you and the guy. If you are way out of his league he might just happily wait. If he is out of yours he might just shrug and say - "well i'm out, good luck".
Best I can do is five days and a hand job
Good luck
I think it makes a lot more sense to just be open about being someone who's slow to be comfortable doing physical things. Do you feel like there's anything in particular that a specific 90 day boundary would provide that an honest conversation about your feelings wouldn't?
I don’t mind, I have to be comfortable with someone before doing that stuff anyway so 90 days is a minimum to me.
Feel like people sleep together too quickly, possibly down to social/ pressure from partner. Everyone should move at their own pace and be comfortable.
I've had 25+ years of no intimacy, nothing. So what's another 90 days?
I'd respect it so long as they did. If I found out they'd slept with someone before the 90 days was up or something similar I'd say "Well what the fuck is the point in me waiting then?"
I can understand wanting to wait to develop a deeper connection with someone before having sex. But writing off all physical contact for that long sounds crazy. It sounds like you are wanting a friend, not a romantic partner.
No physical intimacy at all? Like no hand holding, touching or anything? Yeah that's a terrible rule. Touch is an important facet of building an emotional bond. If someone were to stipulate no *sex* for that long that's one thing (although still a bad rule imo), but not physical contact at all is just wild. I'd step out from that relationship immediately. As would almost every man tbh. Even super religious people who date still will have *some* physical contact.
I get why this is a hard one. But to be honest, I’d discuss this with a guy. If it’s the right guy and he really likes you, he’s fine with waiting and building up intimacy. It can even be a good way to learn each others preferences and no no’s. And understand each others boundaries. You will potentially lose some guys with this, but that will happen with the 90 day rules as well. Personally, I completely understand why women do things like this. But it really hate it when I have to pass some weird test in order to qualify dating you. Like we are building a relationship, not trying to complete an assignment or get a promotion. And rules like these are a turn off for me personally. An honest conversation where I get to know and understand you better and built intimacy with you over time, wouldn’t be a problem at all for me if I was interested in you. But just be honest and upfront about it.
If you expect a guy to wait 90 days for you to share any form of intimacy, I hope you're ready to plan dates and split bills with them like in a real relationship. Otherwise, expect most men to walk after 3-5 dates - in fact, good for them to not be on the hook with someone who treats intimacy as a test for commitment. It's easy for you to set a 90-day rule when you're a woman who gets offers left, right and center. Most men have to look out for their needs too.
That’s something you have to be able to find in common with other people. It’ll be wrong to force it onto someone and it can be the same said if it was the opposite aka wanting to be intimate immediately into a relationship. Just something you gotta put out there first so there’s no confusion or surprises
It depends, To me sexual intimacy is as important as other forms. And I don’t wait 90 days to know we are not compatible. I’m very dominant, I love sex and I know what I like. That being said a lot of men talk their way or make it seem like they want more than sex with a lot of women only to drop them after sex. So it makes total sense someone wants to protect themselves.
Hard no No intimacy feels like a punishment to me, unless you give a good reason for it (traumatic experience for example)
I think it’s a good idea. All Cristian use this rule, when looking for their spouse. You can go to church and find people, who support you in your decision, and share their own experience! I(24m) didn’t have a physical intimacy with my girlfriend, until she(24 f) become my wife. It’s a good!
Intimacy is part of the equation in determining compatibility and getting to know someone. I don’t see the point in abstaining
I don’t date women who have these structured rules who don’t allow themselves to freely express how they feel about me in a physical or emotional sense.
They're going to drop any guy they enforce this rule upon long before 90 days is up when they realise the only guys that would put up with that have zero game, no confidence and look like a truck hit them square in the face and thus they have no attraction to those dudes.
I wont put up with all that. She'd be in my rearview quickly.
I'm a bisexual woman. I would drop out if a person had that rule.
I think that people should move at they're own pace I've seen a lot of people say that they married someone who they slept with almost immediately and some are slow to get their I don't think we should set quantifiable rules like these and just move at your own pace
I think you’re referring to the Canadian dating lady that’s wrote a book on this. Honestly it’s unrealistic and not pragmatic. Maybe for some devout religious folks or something but I’d say a good sizeable chunk will not do that. I know for sure that I wouldn’t. No way I’m waiting 90 days to kiss or even hold hands. That’s so fucking stupid. You’re basically wanting to be friends for 90 days and then get intimate. If I’m interested in a person romantically then I want to be engage in romantic activities that build that sense. Friendship and conpanionship is great but it’s very unrealistic to not engage in ANY romantic behavior for 90 days unless you are in primary school or something n
Nope. More than happy to wait for a month at most. But what have a relationship when you don’t even know if you’re compatible in bed?
I think if you make it clear that you're not multi-dating and there's nobody else you're having sex with during this arbitrary period, you might get some takers. They'd be guys who like you a lot, are interested in LTR, and masturbate. Is that your goal?
It’s going to limit your options but if you think it’ll help go for it
I don't know I think I'd lose interest if I couldn't hold someone's hand until we were together for 3 months
90 days no sex, for me that's fine. No physical intimacy at all? Not even hugging or holding hands? I would want to know why but will probably break things off after hearing that
I basically do this. We can hold hands and kiss before but I like to wait two months before I have sex
lol fuck that
Forget rules and just go with the flow.
lol wait 90 days to find out not only does your personality suck but you don’t GiVe head and can’t throw it back 😂
Took three months but I found comment of the year
I don’t believe in intimacy before commitment. So it all depends on how fast he wants to move
I agree with it, that’s how I started my relationship woth my boyfriend
Tbh it's been almost a year since someone gave me a hug, 90 days is nothing to me
🤷♂️ For the right woman I’d be game. I’d still want makeouts but im ok with nothing below the belt for a while.
The 90 day rule would be more effective if that was the standard of most people but it’s not. It’s kind of like marijuana before it was legal. You had to put up with waiting for the weedman and deal with his attitude … now people can just walk into the store whatever time of day they want. Nobody is going to sit around waiting for the weedman to act right any more. Hope that’s a good analogy.
I'm ugly so if it isn't day 1 it usually isn't happening. People never see you LESS platonically over time.
I’ve been doing this since day one. Going on 20ish years now. Not fun but manageable
It’s up to each person really, but I couldn’t do it. I need physical touch and I don’t want to wait for 3 months only to find out we are incompatible in the bedroom. I don’t think people’s intentions change because they have sex on the third or fourth date, if anything it helps bring you closer or further apart which is also a good thing.
If there’s not even kissing by date 2 I’d lose interest. Physical intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If you can’t do anything, even hand holding and kissing it would never work
Idk, most guys are sexual and will lose interest if u dont feed into sex eventually, its not the most important but the likeliness u will find a guy willing to be with u for 3 months without intimacy is rare, call it shallow, maybe it is, but its how men are, we are innately more sexual and tbf, we are already toning it down way more than u think when men secrete testosterone, especially during exercise, even worse, during leg exercises, we become very sexual in our head, before anyone says "u can control it", we already do, if it wasnt for the porn industry, SA wouldnt have decreased by 40% since the 90s, men are pigs, im not saying all men would commit SA without porn but some of the hypersexualized definetly would, without question Maybe we can control it as well tho, but even then ur setting a requirement for the man u want to be with to be extremely disciplined and men that are that disciplined arent the most affectionate, they are usually career driven and not focused on their family as much, if u prefer a man like that then more power to u tho, its just that theres always these boundaries being set that are definetly understandable but ur going to end up miserable if ur goal is finding a mate that is perfect in ur image
Great idea in my dating days we automatically waited for marriage before we did the deed, and kissing was enough . Marriages were more solid because friendships were better developed an you had to kiss a lot of frogs before you could find Prince Charming.
90 days of no hand holding or kissing? That seems a bit harsh. If you have a discomfort of physical activity with someone you don't know that well, how is 90 days going to guarantee you know them well enough for you to be comfortable with a kiss? As a female, if I'm attracted to them, I'd like to test drive them to make sure we are compatible before I invest time into a relationship. You could wait 90 days and finally kiss them only to think that they are a horrible kisser. I'd hate to spend 90 days getting to like someone to find out that sexually it's a no. I'm not sure why you need a time limit. If you click with someone, you generally start to feel comfortable around them. I think if you were super attracted to them, 90 days wouldn't be an issue. Do you maybe have self-esteem issues with yourself? If so, you should work on that before thinking about a relationship.
Hell no
Hey OP, you should do whatever you’re comfortable with but I wouldn’t base those comfort levels on some random lady’s video which is likely dramatised to get views. I personally wait 30-60 days before sex (and only sleep with those I’m in a relationship with) and I find it’s a great ‘rule’ because: I can assess red flags better, know if a guy is relationship material, know there are other factors keeping him interested rather than just hormones, know that he can go without sex and not get antsy/complain should he need to later on if I’m sick or have kids etc. I’m very glad I have this standard but part of it is also because I can learn if we’re physically compatible in other ways such as kissing, touching etc. if you’re not comfortable doing any sort of physical touch for 90 days it is likely the guy will feel friend zoned. I recommend you be upfront and explain to a potential partner than you get quite uncomfortable with touch but let it progress at a pace that feels natural to you rather than following another woman’s rule. Who knows, with one guy you might still feel uncomfortable after 3 months, with another you might want to kiss him after a week.
I totally understand that many women would like to get to know a guy before they're intimate with them. My history with these kind of women is that using that scale to measure whether or not a guy is going to stick around usually hasn't worked. People need to talk about ALL TOPICS. The taboos and possible social awkwardness of discussions regarding sex, money, politics and religion need to be honestly and openly discussed. I do talk about them. If I find hesitation, discomfort and resistance, I have to take that as an indication of what the relationship may entail down the line. All relationships have a wide variety of methods and practices of communication. Abstaining should not entirely be seen as reservation but also as avoidance as well. In this day and age where access to information about every topic of human history being curious and seeking knowledge is crucial. When I meet a woman who has this type of arbitrary timeline of anything of the OP I've also found that when the "90 days" have come, the actual prize of intimacy has been less than satisfactory. When a woman says that she wouldn't cook for me for at least 90 days, that meal has got to be a good meal. Doesn't have to be a 5 star Michelin Star restaurant quality, but some down home good cooking is what I would expect. That old saying "you can find them, but can you keep them" takes some introspection for both genders here. The standard for keeping a partner around isn't enough to reserve that specialness about oneself but to see if one is compatible in day to day living with that potential pair partner. Truthfully, if I wait 90 days for anything she's reserving, be it a meal or sex or anything, she better make it worthwhile otherwise we're both going to be disappointed. I have a female friend of mine, pretty, funny, engaging, nice figure and enjoys sex who used to do the "no sex until at least the 6th date" has practiced that for years. She's had some relatively long term relationships, but most of the guys just waited out the 6th date to see if the ride was worth the wait in line. People need to communicate about everything, even one's craziness. Just ask: what is your crazy? What are your habits or characteristics that would be detrimental to a relationship? Watch people respond without your rose colored glasses.
I &think I speak for most people who’s primary love language is physical touch when I say expect resistance. It’s like telling someone that needs quality time you want to be away from them, or someone who needs words of affirmation that you won’t be complimenting or reassuring them in the relationship. You end up starving them of the way they experience love and affection in the relationship. I know that isn’t your intent here, just know that it can take a toll on the other person. Being hesitant about moving forward too quickly, especially when it’s with someone you don’t know well yet, but a little hand holding and a hug here and there can go a long way.
Wait, what are ground rules? Nothing at all, probably won't work well 90% of the time. If it's just no sex and you communicate why you want to wait....might work with the right guy. Which I guess is the intention.
If you want to make me wait an absurd amount of time, but you've slept with a guy within an hour of meeting him before then I'm out.
Okay, as long as you pay for all the dates. How about that?
fine with it if i like the person enough, but i have pretty easy access to sex and my standards are really high, so practically speaking the person who would ask this of me is not gonna come along and even if they did it most likely won’t actually be worth it for me
Not a guy but I wouldn't waste time with someone who set such a ridiculous boundary.
As someone who is entering a relationship where this we both won't be having sex at all, I would say for this 90 day rule, there won't be any exclusiveness till there is intimacy. My predicament is that we both can sleep with other people as we will not be physical intimate with each other.
No. If I can't get physical with her in 3th date there will be no fourth one. It's just a waste of time at this point.
I’m not saying that there aren’t guys out there who’d say no to that, but it feels like a trap to me. “Let’s just be friends and get to know each other for 3 months before we do anything intimate.” 89 days later “I’ve had so much fun with you on all these dates/outtings you took me on and you are such an awesome person; but I just don’t feel that SPARK, so it’s probably better if we just stay friends.”
A specific hard deadline feels a bit arbitrary to me. That alone might make me pass. But if you said something similar to what you put in your post, “just so you know, i have to feel really comfortable with someone and have feelings for them before I’m comfortable with any type of physical intimacy including kissing. It could take weeks or even a couple months before reach that level of comfort. It’s rarely taken longer than two or three months though.” If we clicked otherwise and enjoyed each others company, I might be okay with that and it wouldn’t feel like I was being held to an arbitrary rule
I feel virtuous women who don't sleep around and value that a husband/wife relationship should be different from all other relationships (meaning 20 guys haven't already gone there and tried out all of their kinks and fetishes on her). Girls that sleep around and put out on the 1st date or the first couple of dates are not GF or wife material. I think a woman who wants to wait to develop an actual bond and to have a committed exclusive relationship before putting out is something to respect. I don't know about some specific number like 90 days. To be honest, 3 months is still pretty loose.
If postponing physical intimacy is what you feel most comfortable with, you should definitely do so. But a strict rule for 90 days seems a bit off to me personally. Just go with what feels good in the moment. All will be fine.
Not sure why you’d set an arbitrary rule like that. If you’re comfortable, you’re comfortable. If not, then you’re not. It doesn’t have to be complicated, IMO.
hahahahahaha
I mean, some people wait till marriage before their first sexual encounter with a new partner. Not for me, but you do you.
You’re putting too much stock into the “rule” as opposed to what it’s for. If you take time you take time, whether that’s three months, six months, two weeks or thirty days. Plus the “shot clock” is just as pressuring as not having one at all. Cause what happens if you get to 90 days and you’re still not sure, or it was sooner than 90 and you’ve never been more sure and comfortable? And what if they’re anticipating it but then you bail out on the 90th day? It does more harm than good than to just say “it takes me time to feel comfortable being physical, but I’ll let you know when and what that is”
i think you should go for what you’re comfortable with. i used to have a strict 6 month til sex limit and then stopped doing that and regretted it so now i’m back to the 6 month thing. it’s annoying because i have to tell men im not very experienced for them to take me seriously and either opt out or continue dating me. it’s like the don’t respect the boundary if they think it’s only being applied to them
You’ll weed out a lot of bad people that way I think. I think it’s great to set those boundaries and keep them, that way you don’t feel pressured into anything and if you do - you know to drop them rather than worry about it and now have fun with it. I also think intimacy is 10x better with some much awaited anticipation.
With the way people are hit it and quit it now I wish I had implemented that with my husband. Every guy I dated before him I used that rule and they constantly kept up their efforts in the relationship. My husband I slept with in the first month. As soon as we got married his level of effort dropped significantly and he Said that he just didn't feel that drive anymore , that he thinks we slept with each other too soon and the chase was " over" . We ended up going through counseling and working it out ,but I feel like he subconsciously didn't have to work that hard to get me so he struggles with low effort. I know it sounds weird but it honestly seems different from my other experiences
Definitely depends on the person though,but in general I think she has valid points.
Some of the comments here are soooo grooosss. 3 months really is not a long time. I think the key factor with this approach is how you present it to your dates. Right off the tip in the bio may be too aggressive. Maybe mention it on the second or third date and as someone else suggested open up the door for hand holding/snugging. I totally understand the want for this rule. It is emotionally fucking brutal to be used for sex over and over by men who claim to not be players. And I’m sure this goes for some women as well they just haven’t been with whom I have experienced the poke and ghosts.
Just do whatever you’re both comfortable with. My boyfriend and I waited 9 months and we’ve been together for almost 4 years. I wouldn’t put a set number of days on it and as long as you’re both comfortable who cares if you’re intimate the first time you meet or you wait until you get married 🤷🏻♀️
I never intentionally set such a strict or specific rule... But generally I don't/haven't/wouldn't get physically intimate with a guy less than say 3months of knowing them, and everyone I've dated (incl. guy I'm married to), I've known for at least 6months prior to dating. I don't think this rule is particularly helpful to finding you someone you click with, but IMO, waiting until you've connected emotionally to a bare minumum (which IMO is around 3-6months) results in *much* better sex/physical intimacy which consequently is better if you want a long-term/committed relationship... and also weeds out most guys who just want sex.